Shutdown Fullcast - ShutdownFullcast2.5

Episode Date: October 1, 2014

The Shutdown Fullcast explores the horrors of the Michigan Man Riots of 2014, answers reader mail about SEC rap rankings and the worst teams we've ever seen, and looks at the week ahead in college football. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, the savagery of the Michigan football riots of 2014. The mainstream media, they don't want you to hear about it, but this is a shutdown full cast with myself, Spencer Hall, Jason Kirk, joining us from Kennesaw, Georgia. Hello. And Ryan Nanny, joining us from beautiful Brooklyn, New York City. That's right. that's the noise of contempt we have

at the MSM for ignoring this important media story about the savagery and violence occurring in Ann Arbor, Michigan as they protest the tyrannical reign of Dave Brandon and Brady Hoke and their reign of error You know, reports are coming in that in Ann Arbor

there are people are going on hunger strikes but not just normal hunger strikes These are Michigan men we're talking about So they're going on knowledge hunger strikes, refusing to listen to a single NPR podcast until Dave Brandon steps down. Not reading anything at Medium.com at all. Wait, no fresh air? Not even a whiff of fresh air between noon and midnight until Dave Brandon steps down.

Jesus. Not a New Republic article shared. Not a Nal Ferguson podcast listened to. Not one. Well, surely they're still getting their Economist subscription. We're not savages, sir. Well, the

society hasn't completely devolved, sir. This isn't Guantanamo. There's still, you still need the basics of survival. Please. Even though their recent turn towards a consciousness

neoliberalism really disturbed the Michigan man. But we are We are only buying the second best brie at the market. That's true, along with the weekly stop at Zingerman. But except for that, we're totally going on a hunger strike. I did think it was nice of the Michigan Riot Police to strictly use non-GMO-tier gas. That was a really nice touch.

That was appreciated. I mean, and additionally, to excuse those with allergies from the protests, that's a big move. A very sensitive move in community policing that I think everyone should follow. Even if it wasn't an allergy to tear gas, it was just like, hey, I have a nut allergy. They were like, you know what? I can't say that this tear gas wasn't produced in a factory that also handles nuts. You know what? I asked the chef, and he doesn't know.

So you probably just shouldn't order it. It may have soy. I don't know. This uniform is gluten-free. Bleed on it as you like. there was a there's talk of a foreign coalition to

to restore order in Ann Arbor reports of Ohio State sending bombers full of gay you know gay slurs dropping those they're not very helpful

but it's the thought that counts there's a rumor those are actually just secondhand from the University of Miami yeah they're well they're imported they're expired everything at the University of Miami

is secondhand that means nothing It's a fourth hand now. Hey, it's new to you. And remember, for University of Miami fans, Gay slurs never go out of style. Never. Nope, just as cool as they were in 1987. That's why the Roman Empire never died.

It's true. Interesting. Just never gave up on that. I wouldn't know that because I'm a Michigan man and I've gone on a knowledge diet. Until Brady Hoke has taken. My favorite fact, by the way, from all of this, in case you

might need some catching up, which you probably don't, but we'll get you there anyway. Brady Hoke kind of oversaw a procedural snafu and keeping a possibly concussed player obviously head injured

on the field. Thus, springing and serving is kind of the tipping point for people getting blindly just so outraged that they were allowed to on the internet, maybe on fine websites like SB Nation,

and are now protesting. Admittedly, probably not really committing the kind of violence that we'd imagined, you know, but still, actually protesting this. Which, I don't know if that was actually a planned protest. I don't think anybody knows at this point.

Yeah, I think Brian Cook himself said he should be fired because it appeared he was in charge, of the protest, but he actually wasn't. Yeah, like this might actually, we have to confirm this. It'll probably be confirmed by the time this is up tomorrow. I think Michigan fans went to this because they were afraid a syllabus would be handed out and they wouldn't get a copy of it.

Because you know, if you're not there when they hand out the syllabus, you are fucked. How are you going to catch up? How? Somebody else is ahead of you. And then they're going to get into law school before you do. They're going to get that job in Chicago. Don't you want that job in Chicago? Whatever it is.

We all want that job in Chicago. You hate it, but you need that job in Chicago. I don't even know what it is, and it's all I crave. Get me that job in Chicago. I'm selling insurance to insurance companies. That's very complicated. It's very important. Can you actually quantify what you're going to do with two degrees from Michigan?

No, it's a product so removed from reality that nobody actually understands it, but it's fabulously expensive. It's important to quantify. It's a Dr. Manhattan kind of thing. You just, you don't need to understand it. But you'll appreciate it when I'm 500 feet tall, blue and naked, strongly in Earth. Yeah. Go blue. Go blue. Dr. Manhattan, the ultimate Michigan man. I have, I have departed this earth to create new worlds of crystal in the cosmos. And I don't care about football very much. There is no Rose Bowl here. And we certainly win it if there is.

What do you call this constellation, Schembeckler Hall? So, really the only things of interest that happened this week were that. We're agreeing, like, basically that's the story. Yeah, oh yeah. On the field, there was really nothing happened other than FSU falling behind early, but... How are we just glossing over Charlie Weiss getting fired? Who? we're not talking about NFL coaches here sir

they're far too smart Ryan you're a few years behind he was fired by Notre Dame several years ago I'm sorry but I realize he's still getting paid for that not one but two schools couldn't have made the mistake of giving that man money surely surely you need to refresh your Wikipedia browser do you think they're accidentally going to keep paying him after they're

supposed to Notre Dame money dude people just like writing him checks. Be like, yeah, the HR coordinator who was here at the time, she left, and we don't really know when it runs out, and he's been dead for seven years, but we're still paying him. Is this like an auto

draft check that people just take? Yeah. Like, I think my grandfather was paid by the railroad for like years afterwards, not in like a pension sort of way, but like I think they just kept writing checks. So is it like that? Is Notre Dame like a railroad?

Let's see. Is anything more like a railroad in Notre Dame? I mean, they do have trouble with Purdue all the time, so that would make sense. Let's see. Derail spectacularly? Mm, yes. Was incredible 100 years ago. Yes, yes.

Was kind of built on a myth that doesn't actually exist? Was benefits immensely from unpaid labor? Is propped up by an outdated contract with a large corporate entity that doesn't doesn't deserve, yes? Beloved by Lou Holtz, true and both counts. Absolutely. You know Lou loved him in Ice Express.

A train man, through and through. He is a train man. I bet Lou still travels by train. Even where there isn't one, he just puts it on the back of a truck. Just drives it. Engineers that way. Blake, yeah, like in Inception. That's Lou Holtz.

Don't ever dream about Lou Holtz. Who do you think could explain the plot of Inception better, Lou Holtz or Mark May? Lou Holtz. I think Mark May, because he talks so quickly, he could explain any movie in about four seconds. Here's the thing about Inception. It doesn't have good offensive line play.

I'm done with it. That's a really good Mark May. It's a spectacular Mark May. I mean, this is stupid, and it's kind of mean, but I don't know if Lou Holtz could even say Inception without everyone laughing. That's part. Why do you think I chose him? You start with it.

You start with the basics and work out from there. Also, he's getting Skip a part in it somehow. Like, you'll get three sentences into it, and he'll be like, get my son, Skip Xling rest. And then Skip Holtz will come on, everybody will be like, oh, God, this dude. It's like the Matrix, but with not as cool guns. Oh, why do you have a job?

Skip Holtz ruins everything. Not Tampa. No, contrary. He took them to a new low. I think the expression I heard on Saturday when Hoke went out, the only person who had anything comparable, somebody on Twitter said, has anybody ever seen a fan base as mad as the Michigan fan base is after this game? And the only person I saw even had a comparable answer was Colin Sherwin of Voodoo Five, our fine USF blog, who said, oh yeah, Skip Holtz when he left USF, like the 80 people who were there were basically like chasing him out of the stadium.

And I was like, is there anything scarier? It would be scary to be chased by like 5,000 people in Tampa, but for some reason I'm way more terrified of being chased by like 12. Yeah, they just have so much mobility at that point. That was like two or three games after he just started

like burning red shirts to try to save his job, like screwing over the next coach just to try and beat I don't know, Western Kentucky or whoever. It's like taking a pickaxe to your apartment walls hoping you're just going to find money because you can't make the rent

and fuck the security deposit at this point. That's called the Tampa Retirement Hap. Skip Holtz retirement assets. We'll just start breaking into houses. Break some stuff. This might be the legend of Zelda. There might be a bomb

in it. You could use the bomb to blow open a crater and then you might find a ruby in it. Took apart this IKEA cabinet and I found an 18th century silver dagger. Use it to kill a Zora. Gotta be a red shirt

in here somewhere. That was the only answer where I looked at it and thought, no, I bet that was really terrifying. I bet that was just as angry. And it was in the Buck Stadium, too. Yeah, yeah, like someone's like manning the cannon in the pirate ship. Yard!

Lower! Lower! Fill it with checkers french fries. Those would Those would kill on contact. Fired at a great enough velocity, admit it. It would be brutal. Sir, your blood is full of paprika. We can't do anything.

It's a matter of hours. You'll either become a Hungarian or you'll die. You're made entirely of powder. My mutant power is seasoning. Man, we're already so far off course. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Well, other things that, like, just before,

we completely dismissed last week is totally uninteresting. Arkansas is like the best little team that could. They're just so close to winning a game at this point in the SEC and they just continue to like just barely miss it

somehow against really good teams. Certain to ruin someone's season and going to be really good next year. Basically. God. God, Bileman's going to be unbearable once that happens.

Yeah. Yeah, that's fan. And that's when it really falls apart. I think that's what we're all about. We're playing that long game, though. We want Arkansas to get really good, and then we want vertigo. We want the nightmare to happen all over again. I'm up 2,000 at the roulette table.

I should bet more. Brett Bilemma has a mistress. That mistress is the governor's wife? Shaka Khan? Way to go, Brett Bilema. My man. I feel for both of you. I think they let him off with that one.

I mean, who's mad at that? I was trying to think of, like, the woman in Arkansas that, like, would be the most, or in the Arkansas constellation. But, like, the, uh, a Walton. Someone from the Walton family. You know, I don't even know she's from Arkansas, but I'm just going to throw Araiba McIntyre out there. Hmm.

Uh, Hillary Clinton. oh that that put Arkansas fans in a bind wouldn't it well like like Brett Bilema ruins the presidential election and wins the SEC in the same year or better yet well I was there

I had no choice but to run the ball that's what the card said what the card said this card says have sex with Hillary Clinton had to do it who's writing your cards Brett Bilema my friend Steve he's a dick

Mitt Romney is in charge of Pratt Beelma all along That They're still like this close to being good Texas A&M is still the team That's just probably gonna be able to bail itself out And like the way that probably frustrates dudes Like David Pollock the most right Like they just threw two long passes

And made one stop That's not football Yeah that's actually football Teams can win like that That is within the rules Yeah you can you can do it, as far as I know. No flags on that play.

Anything else of note before we just dump week five into the dumpster? Nah. I think Florida had a great week, just speaking as a homer. Florida had Florida's second best week of the year so far, counting the one where you thought you'd have to play a game,

and then you didn't. You can't top that. Instant power rankings. Best weeks for Florida so far in this very young season. Lightning game. and bye week, solid one and solid two. Yep. Followed by a game

against Eastern Michigan, Kentucky, and then Alabama. Even Florida's biweek couldn't be good because all anybody would fucking talk about was Jacoby Brissette being awesome at NC State. And then reminding you that Tyler Murphy had been the quarterback who helped

Boston College upset USC. So nothing is good for Florida ever. Nope. Did you see a, all Will, oh, Will, today, had a question from Edgar Thompson, the Orlando Sentinel, where he asked if Tennessee was a big game, and Will must champ testily answered, well, they're all big games now, every one of them, every week. Including Eastern Michigan and the lightning game. Including that light, man, we kicked the shit out of lightning.

One in a lot of lightning on the year. But yeah, he's starting to run out of, uh, I think he's actually getting. tired of himself. I don't think I think he's going to challenge somebody to a fight at a press conference. Might be himself. Come on, come on, Will.

He's so tough. I don't know who's in charge of this team, but I am going to... I'll beat his ass. I'm going to beat that dude. Gators deserve better than whatever idiots running this ship. Everybody just needs to do their job,

including me. Jerk. Total jerk me. Oh, Will. Just talking. to himself. Well, don't say that. Talking himself down off the podium. It's like David Lynch's roadhouse.

That's the best single encapsulation summary of the Will Must Champ era I've heard. Yeah, I don't need to hear anything else about Florida until next year. Yeah, we can, we've pissed Florida football is so bad at this.

We've pissed off Jason, who actually likes Manball. David Lynch's Roadhouse. I'm good. until y'all hire Bobby Petrino and then we will revisit. I'm just going to dub Florida footage over some of David Lynch's

horrible solo albums that he's released where he sort of creepily sings about ice cream over his music? I didn't even know this. Bobby Petrino's years at Florida are going to be Lars von Trier's Roadhouse. Yes. I can't wait. Wait, wait, years?

Yeah, he's like, yeah. I'm rounding up. Months. After he quits in week two of year two. Okay, weeks, weeks. His spectacular 27-day tenure at the University of Florida. Hey, hey. Burn, right. Don't be hating on that quick gestation period. Well, at least we didn't

at least we didn't pass over Kevin Sumblin to hire Brady Hoke. Oh. Michigan. I would die it to. That's it. We officially have to move on because you're making me too sad now. There one last note on that, by the way. I bet they passed him over

because they were like, Oh, a Michigan man just don't have swag. Can you imagine him asking for a swag copter? Well, you see a swag copter. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,

Washington football is open. I think I could get him one if he wore one of those, like, leather caps with the goggles built into him, you know? I'm like a scarf. You're talking about George Lucas's red tails? You're talking like an old helicopter

that looks like a radio tower, strapped to a bubble. I think if Kevin Sumblin flew a triplane to high school games, I think you can pull that off at Michigan. Like tailspin. I will ask, lift me on the bike. Exactly.

Launch pad McQuack. If he had some sort of a Zeppelin piloted by chipmunks, Michigan head coach. You know, now we're just turning this into like a Michigan comment thread because they would really dig that. You'd be like it's a Zeppelin, you know? Hey, man, I would dig that. Maybe with some otters?

Hmm. Well, here 19 minutes into it, I think we can go ahead and move on to the most important part of the evening, which is reader mail and questions submitted from Twitter. Our first reader question of the week, by reader, I mean a listener, comes to us from Peter Burns of ESPN. Could I get SEC rap power rankings by team, please? what team can claim certain rappers, et cetera. So, I've gone ahead and figured this out for us. Number one, representing Texas A&M is UGK.

I feel that Bunby has acknowledged the existence of Kevin Sumlin, Johnny Mansell, and Kenny Hill, and seem to defer to Kevin Sumlin on the question of whether Kenny Hill has earned the nickname Kenny Trill. Therefore, I think it's okay to tie the Aggies to UGK, and anytime UGK is in Arapolis, UGK is probably number one. Number two, Mississippi State, represented by a fan of Mississippi State Big Crit.

He's not an Ole Miss fan. He's a Mississippi State fan. Number three, LSU, one of the most crowded rap markets as far as it's hard to even pick a single rapper to represent LSU here. But I went with Juvenile. Number four, I got Bama. Number four, rep by Yellow Wolf. he's mentioned Nick Saban in song before there's more

more Bama rappers than you'd think could we could we throw a rich boy in there well I'll get through rich boy later I'll get through rich boy later okay okay number five this is probably going to stun you all a little bit but I got Bubba Sparks representing the dogs we know he's a Georgia fan based on Twitter

and you might think you know Georgia you go outcast or whatever but Atlanta and Athens really really different markets here I think you could go Bubba, you could go someone like Field Mob. You could probably even go like Pastor Troy, who spends a lot of his time outside of Atlanta. But Bubba Sparks, his second or third album, the one Timberlin produced. They had a lot of, the whole thing was like Blue Grass, one of the most underrated rap albums of the last decade.

So I'm comfortable with Bubba Sparks, number five here. Number six, we're going with Napier Roots, representing Kentucky. number seven this probably be the most controversial one Nellie representing the zoo some people would have a number one some people would have a number 14

that's got to be Murphy Lee but whatever okay well all right listen I told you it's going to be controversial I tried to warn him number eight South Carolina this is kind of a tough one because there are not a lot of South Carolina

rappers I know that's the most shocking thing you've ever heard young Jeezy's from South Carolina but has actually never acknowledge that in any way. I'm going with those dudes who made that Gamecock fan rap video. I was gonna say, yeah, no, that thing was that thing was like hard. Yeah, if you haven't heard it look it up at EDSPS. It's the best fan rap video that's ever been made by

far. Yeah, it's basically about like how hard life is in South Carolina and how they love the Gamecocks anyway even though it sucks. Like it's it's called Ride for my team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, I mean, as far as, like, rappers representing a school, it doesn't get any closer or better than this. After that, we have, we're going to the state of Tennessee, but we're not going to Tennessee itself. We've got to go to Nashville because I don't think either Vandy or Tennessee can claim Memphis at all. We're going to go to Vandy for Young Buck, who is Nashville's only rapper. Only rapper.

And it's, you know, he's pretty good. That's about all I have to say about Young Buck. The next one is Arkansas. I had to look up here to find out that Roscoe Dash is from Arkansas. And without him, turn up would probably not be a thing. So cultural impact on the rap world coming from the state of Arkansas. Didn't see that coming. And from here on out, it's a little fly-by-wire.

For Tennessee, we're going with that basketball player. they had a couple years ago who did some rap songs Swiper Boy. Yes, Swiper Boy for Old Miss This was the hardest one of all Because it's Old Miss We gotta go with Eli Manning He's been in a rap video

Oh, I thought you were going to say Wright Thompson for that one Oh From the streets of Copton How much Like money amount right Thompson cuts a rap single that he does the verses on not the beat okay i'm not gonna make him like embarrass himself with a garage band beat okay uh so so we're so we're so we're giving him

a michael made it beat and just be right thompson over it dude i'll give him like uh we'll give him a pretty good beat like are we talking like a like you name the producer we can do it you know who we can get for stupid cheap is scott storch no scott Got Storch beat. He's probably, that's probably the worst fit you could ever imagine, so let's try that. I like that. I'm just saying, he's broke as hell. Okay, that's true.

Is he? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, he seems so frugal. I mean, cocaine, if you're going to do a drug, cocaine, it's really an affordable one. All right, so two more here. Auburn, this is another really hard one. I thought about Rich Boy here, because he's from Mobile, and that's close. It's at least South Alabama, but I'm going to go with Christy Malzahn.

We've had old dudes here, and, you know, she's got personality. I bet she could put some rhymes together. Can I call her Christy Azalea now? Yeah, you might as well. Sure. All right. Because she is very fancy. She's actually from, you know, the part of the world where that flower is a big thing

and not Australia, so sure. She's so fancy. You already know. You know she's crazy from a church video. Oh, oh. And then a dead last. I tried to find a rapper from North Florida. And the best I could do is Fred Durs.

So y'all got Fred Durs and you're in last place. Yep. That's fair. It's fair. I also think, by the way, that, you know, that Yellow Wolf really gets the entire spectrum of Alabama fanhood because he did have a video where an Auburn fan was shot dead. So in keeping with Alabama's theme of,

we'd actually like to destroy and kill things that aren't us yellow wolf right there yeah and also he has a song about uh driving someone else's really expensive car which has nothing to do with the state of alabama or you know Alabama football i don't know why i even mention that you know what everyone just borrows a car in alabama you just got different words for how long you borrow it get that down off the tow truck i set that check dang it takes a village um Next question. I think that's on you, Ryan. Okay.

This one comes from VT. Ben, and he asks, Better Final Record this year, Florida or Indiana? So Florida has a slight advantage in that they've played one less game than Indiana to date Florida's 2 and 1, Indiana's 2 and 2. Looking at Indiana's schedule, I'm going to say I conservatively see at least four more wins. I think they can beat North Texas, Iowa, Michigan, and Purdue. There's probably another possible win on there, but I am, in theory, talking about Indiana making a bowl game, which is not a thing that ever happens. So let's say we're looking at six wins for Indiana. Compare that to Florida,

which obviously didn't get to six wins last year. Yeah, they're not going to get to six wins. So Indiana wins this. Yeah, I'm comfortable awarding Indiana here at this point. With Tennessee looking better, that one was looking like a win, but now it sure doesn't. I think Florida. That five and six thing with asking the NCAA if you can go to a bowl,

at 5 and 6, that's starting to look pretty real. Yeah, yeah, I think Eastern Newtucky and Vanderbilt, those are the wins. And the only other hope I have is that Will Mustchamp is convinced that he has no choice but to beat Georgia to salvage his dwindling image, and somehow does that. And that won't happen in any universe. Well, I think if you do that, then you go ahead and Mark Van Gogh. Andy is a loss. Yeah.

God damn. God damn. I can't have anything. He can't, he can't do both. Great. It's only one hand. Will Muston.

He can't beat Georgia and Vandy. Move on. Next question. I hate this. Next question. I agree, by the way. That's a full sweep for Indiana having a better record than Florida. This is a very important one.

And one that I think is an underreported story again in that dastardly mainstream media. which is, is, from Jamie at Chucky Crater on Twitter. Is SMU the worst D1 college football team you've ever seen? If not, who was it? Now, the very preliminary and shocking answer is this. SMU might be the worst D1 football team of my lifetime. It just, if they keep this up, and I believe they can. Because just four games into this season,

SMU is putting up a torrid pace in four games these are the four games they've played they lost 45-0 to Baylor they lost 43-6 to North Texas they lost 586 to Texas A&M and they followed that up with a loss 560 to TCU that is four games

12 points and over 200 points allowed over 50 points a game overall deplorable on both sides of the field Jason has maybe the saddest fact I have heard about a team through four games they have yet to attempt an extra point so far this year the only the two touchdowns they scored one came at the very end of the North Texas game

and there's no reason to attempt the extra point because they would still be losing by 35 points. They'd converted a two-pointer. And the other was against TCU, a 31-yarder that was ruled not a touchdown because the player was down 30 yards shy of the goal line, and SMU Football's official Twitter account tweeted it with a frowny-face emoticon. And then they did not follow it up by actually scoring a touchdown or a field goal. Now let me go down this line and just highlight what Lovecraftian,

horror could await the SMU football team, which has already lost its head coach, who resigned because... Because he's old. I'm tired. June Joe's just resigned because, yeah, did you see this? I'm done. Yeah, and it's not just you lost your head coach

and everyone's reorganized. It's also there's one fewer, like, set of eyeballs on, like, on these players, you know, one fewer adult telling these players there's more to life than SMU football. Well, I think you're overrating what he did, but... Maybe he never did that. I don't know. I don't know whether...

I don't know whether doing anything is really a question here at this point, because... Well, you got... They're going to East Carolina this week. That line opened at 39 points. Who just put 70 on UNC. Yeah. Cincinnati, Memphis, those will both be tough games. The last five, maybe they could score a touchdown or two, but... Not until November are they likely to score a touchdown, in my opinion.

If you want to know how the random brilliance of college football scheduling, it can be really bad. But like, for instance, in November 1st, when Baylor has to play Kansas. Has to. What do you mean has to? Nobody has to do anything, really. I just got to do anything, but wait around and sit around and wait to die. That's Kansas football this year.

Go Jayhawks. It's a Sturgle Simpson song. Ain't got to do a goddamn thing, but sit around and wait to die. Go, Jayhawks. But, yeah, that last month of the season, guess what it ends with? At Connecticut. Yeah. Players from Dallas are going to Connecticut in December.

God. After they've lost their head coach, 11 games, probably scored like 30 points. They get to go to Connecticut. And Bob Diaco is going to be so pissed by them. To play a team that is designed to get a football game over with as quickly as possible with no regard for wins or loss. It's a mercy killing

for everyone involved. It's the dad's making dinner of football teams. Just put it all together and get food on the table. Fuck what it looks like. Connecticut is just a five second film. We're playing football and we're not. Yukon is a vine.

They're the only football team that could be a vine. And we're on and now we're not. Final score 10.3. You're welcome. it's like i don't know what happened but the game's over and that's fine this is the worst price is right game ever this is a you know i really enjoy yukon games because i can go home and play tennis and the lights are still on yeah they might really be the worst team but this did lead to the question of after we've fully illustrated how bad sm you really could be headless

smu at this point we did go through and pick some truly atrocious teams uh go of horrible football past. Jason, yours? I'm going to lead us off with 2006, FIU, which went 0 and 12 in the big metrics point scored. It was a last in offense, 87th in scoring defense. It was shut out three times by Miami, prehistoric ULM and prehistoric Florida Atlantic.

And the question, the stipulation was this has to be a team that you actually saw. and we all have seen this team because this is the team that got in the big brawl with Miami where like radio announcers were cheering on the brawl and everything Amad Ned going in on crutches, yeah

players on crutches were joining the fray in that game they did lose 35 to nothing to Miami I'm gonna say this is the worst team I've ever seen It's a robust choice Frankly Ryan's got a better answer than I do So he's going to go last Mine's still pretty good that would be

the worst one I've seen in person would be the 1994 Kentucky Wildcats which is one of the worst Kentucky teams ever put together that damn that's a that's a that's a brisk vintage isn't it just got fine notes of

atrocity ethanol that was the team that I saw the game I saw was Tim Couch running the option under a blazing Florida sun on September 10th 1994 yes they lost

73 to 7 in that game back when Florida was competent at football but the worst team that I've seen on television recent history was the winless 2005 Temple Owls who you may remember from such hits as the time we lost 65-0 to Wisconsin

or the time we lost 70 to 7 to Bowling Green or that month where we only scored 20 points and they went an entire month and only scored 20 points. Oh, maybe the time we lost 51-3 to Virginia. My favorite note about that team is they finished within a touchdown only once all year. Yes, they only, and that was against Western Michigan, which was a 1619 loss, whose box score I will not look up because I have enough sadness in my life.

Ryan So I was originally, and I didn't tell either of you this, going to go with the 2000 slash 2001 Duke Blue Devils, a team that was so bad, they went 0 and 11 in 2000, and they kept the coach. And you know what he did in 2001? Did it again. He went 0 and 11 again.

Remix. But you know what? There is not a chance. In 2002, 2001, I was in high school. And even if I was not the most popular kid in high school, no fucking way I was watching Duke football. So I'm going to go with the 2008 Washington Huskies, Ty Willingham's 0-12 year.

And they actually had kind of a tough schedule. They had to play BYU and Oklahoma and Notre Dame out of conference. But my God, this was a terrible... This was like... They lost to Paul Wolfe. That happened. That was the year

when Washington and Utah was advertised as the Crapple Cup. Yeah, and that was a... That was a 2-11 Washington State team that, other than the Washington game, only beat Portland State. Now, was that Jerry Grant...

Jerry Glanville's Portland State at that time. Might have been. There is no record of that, sir. I cannot tell you. I did find a record, by the way, from the only time when the 2005 Temple Owls were within a touchdown. I found the Brave AP writer's account of somebody who actually watched this. Holy shit.

There are so many sentences in this that are each the saddest thing ever written that I don't really know where to start, but I will try. Nate Meyer kicked a 33-yard field goal as time. Time expired to give Western Michigan a 1916 win over winless temple on Saturday. The Broncos, two and two, storm the field as they celebrated their first two-game winning streak since late in 2003. Several owls lay stunned, their best real chance of victory gone, and another horrible ending added to one of the worst programs in football. It gets worse. Oh, my God.

The owls had plenty of chances to win. A boxed extra point attempt cost them two points that came back to haunt them. They also let several scoring opportunities slip away in a game that lasted nearly four hours. Holy shit. Was there some sort of, was there a hurricane or something? I don't know. There should have been. Was there a volcano?

Should have wiped this from the earth. Better still. Hoss. Okay, if he started, Robbie Hoss. Western Michigan's starting quarterback was needed after Ryan Cupid's game to a horrible end when he was seriously hurt so Temple didn't even get out of this game

without ruining somebody else's day all right he was wheeled off the field so terrible injury thanks Temple and as if that wasn't bad enough Haas took over and had a pass intercepted by Temple setting up a good scoring opportunity but in typical Temple setback he's phrasing

the player was penalized for spiking the ball which completely ruined all scoring chances because oh 15 yards away might as well punt nope nope there's two more sentences that are actually okay it gets worse it's no it gets worse a sparse crowd turned out at lincoln financial field with maybe 1500 fans in the stands for kickoff it's an NFL size stadium 1500 people

on the visitor's side of the stadium everything was empty only a few fans were in the end zones and the biggest cheers that came at half time for a kids football game wow Philadelphians cheering something

that's hey that's progress that's true that isn't a mass murder that isn't you know basically murder because remember Philadelphians all closet serial killers every last one of them right evidence against it a mass murder.

Right down to Terry Gross. Hi, this is Fresh Air, and I'm thinking about bodies in the walls. Man, that AP writer went hard. That AP writer was not happy to be there. That AP writer emptied some some emotions in that recap. I'm hoping they... You made me sit through this

bullshit. I'm going to hear some things. I'm hoping they contact us. I went to Northwestern, and I'm going to show you. I know what's football supposed to look like. I went to Northwestern in the 80s. An atrocity, exactly like this. Oh, it's a Denny Green fan.

A couple of wrap-up questions here before we move on. How many Paul Johnsons does it take to get drunk? That's a question from Nate McW at Nate MCW on Twitter. Well, we have to define what a Paul Johnson is. I'm going to assume a Paul Johnson is pretty much just kerosene in a glass, maybe garnished with a giant four-inch bolt. Why, you got to put it in a glass, you got hands. That's true.

Got strong hands, right? Right? Strong enough the whole kerosene? It's just a shoe full of kerosene, a wooden shoe. I'm going to assume it's one of those like series drinks. You know, you got to do this before you drink this. Like it's whatever it is, it's seven of something and five of the other. First you get the kerosene in, and then you got to drink the vinegar. Then you've got to punch yourself five times.

You got to titrate it. That's pretty complex for mountain technology, Ryan. Always be titrating. I think you just leave it outside underneath a full moon to ensure that a witch comes over and test it for you. I think the answer to how many Paul Johnson says it takes to get drunk? There's two answers. One is like a half because it would kill most men. Or the other is, I don't care.

Paul Johnson doesn't care. Last question. Matt King, at Matt King or on Twitter, wants to know. Who would host a Kitchen Nightmare style show that fixes. poorly run collegiate athletic programs. Pretty easy one. The answer is at Orgeron. Mm-hmm.

Which, uh, he's, he's already done it, so. I would, I would watch the John L. Smith version, where he actually makes it worse somehow. He is the kitchen nightmare. Be like, hey, you had a perfectly functioning seven-win team. Now I'm going to get my hot piss all over it. They call him the kitchen nightmare. He's like the kitchen apparition, the kitchen phantom. It's like Gremlin's three.

I'm stuck in the walk-in with all this hot pass. You fed John L. Smith after midnight? Oh, God damn it. It's going to get involved in a Ponzi scheme. He does it every time. I think Ed Ordrott is the correct answer. He did say today, by the way, real quote, at a quarterbacks club or one of these alumni club meetings that he was at.

And they asked him, you know, what's the secret to sort of take an over program and improving morale. His answer, quote, Cookies! He is quite literally a Sesame Street character. Following that, he said, First day I put cookies out,

they ate 500 of them. Oh, man. He's the best sleepover dad ever. Ed Orrude runs so good as long as he's not in charge of your football program. Like if he's the temporary guy, if he's the recruiter, if he's not the dude trying to poach your recruits after a hurricane, he's a great guy. He's got an expiration date, and it is short.

I'm telling you, he's sleepover, dad. You want to go to, you want to be friends with his kid, so you can go to that sleepover, but you don't want him to be your dad. Oh, you kind of do. Well, you kind of do, but only in the most unreal sense of the word. Maybe you shouldn't, but... Not once you turn 30, you. don't? No, no. Or maybe that's

when you really want them, because you're like, oh, fatherhood's a lie. It's all an illusion anyway. I think you're projecting. Maybe. In our conclusion here, so start looking at this week, which is abundant. We have many, many games to look at,

starting really on Thursday night when we get, for some reason, yet another 1030 kick. Can't imagine why the Pac-12 has problems getting traction on the east. goes among voters and writers. 10.30, you should stay up because Arizona is going to play at Oregon, and that game will not be sane.

Nope, it's in the bylaws. Larry Scott is just banging on that Asian market. He's like, oh, America's going to fall anyway. China's where all the action is going to be. And these 1030 games are going to be catnip. Yeah, not a lot of people know that China actually has two shadow delegates on the playoff selection committee. Well, they own us anyway, right?

One of them is Archie Manning. I knew it. Archie Manning, secret Asian. Can you spell China without Archie Manning? Hold on, you put me on the spot here, Ryan. Let me get out my calculator and figure out his answer. Geez. Ty Hilton Brandt and Archie Manning, both secret Asians.

Wait. You know that about Ty, right? That's a running gag. For a minute, I thought you were saying Ty Willingham was Ty Hilden Brand, but I'm fine with that too. Maybe. See like Nause. It's a Tupac Machiavelli kind of thing.

Oh, okay. Let's go to, let's see. Florida, Tennessee, let's not talk about that. Why the hell would we do it there? Nope. Nope. Nope. Going to lose. Just bypassing that.

I'm done with Florida football. Wow. I'm going to watch. Seriously, you two are not going to watch it I'm the only one who's going to watch it I honestly don't know why you're doing this I have to You don't have to

You're oh my God A man has A man has rules Stupid, inflexible rules about life You might as well be Catholic Move on Let's see Alabama at Old Miss

The CBS game of the week Yeah Yeah I still think this is going to be like A major letdown Dr. Bo! I think so. The line's up to Bama by a touchdown. Yeah.

I think it started at four. It's just creeping on up. Yeah, I'd take that to cover. I think people are drifting in the right direction because on Monday they're real excited about Old Miss, and they started thinking about that offense working against that defense. They're like, Dr. Bo!

I'm going to go, I'll go Bama to cover there. But who is the best defense, Alabama? has played to date. Is it FAU? If the honest answer we give is West Virginia? It might be in West Virginia, right? It is West Virginia, to be honest. It's West Virginia.

So that's not much of it. I mean, if you're going from that's the best you've played to a really nasty old Miss defense, that's kind of concerning, right? Oh, sure. Sure, on defense, yeah, but... Well, and then you just DVR past the other part, and you're good.

But those points do count. I don't believe that's true, sir. I don't know. I don't know about those non-DVR points. They get on Bo Wallace, those do count. Yeah. I think this is a game. In my opinion.

No, it's like traffic points. You just go online, you get them all taken away. I go to a class. In the check that's like a dollar short, and then you don't cash the refund, and then you're beating Bama by three in the fourth quarter. That's right. I go to that stand-up comedy DUI class, except for turnovers,

and then I just get two of them back. I like this because it's just that the DUI is caused by stand-up comedy. Yeah, that's it, which entirely plausible. Let's see, we've got Oklahoma at TCU, and boy, after an Ebola diagnosis, those tickets are probably a little bit cheaper than they were. I'm never going outside again, Hank. Oklahoma at TCU, this is really one of Oklahoma's only real challenges in the Big 12.

Agreed. Agreed. Well, you know, depending on who wins Baylor, Texas, because if you talk to them Texas boys, that's, I mean, Texas is still Texas. Hey, without question, Texas is still Texas. They are two and two, therefore Texas is still Texas. East Germany is still East Germany, am I right? Well, Stasi, stay Stasi. I hope somebody puts that on a burnt orange shirt.

Stasi, Stasi, Huck him. Huck him, with the umlots over the O. Yeah, I think Oklahoma rolls in that one. I don't think it's that close. I mean, I know T.C. was good. Yeah, T.C. is good. And they have the home field. advantage and it's not much of one but it's uh it's not oklahoma i'll tell you that much right

now uh you put me down for that no one's watching stanford at notre dame i don't care how many tvs you have set up no one's watching that yeah it's on the same time as uh u tc u bama omis and baylor texas so no fuck that i'm not watching uh notre dame score eight points against stanford and stanford win by eleven to eight be like ever goulson completed 30 passes and he only had 28 yards Stanford got in the red zone 16 times and scored 12 points scored pie I don't know how they did

that and somehow won They went for point one It was crazy I didn't know you could go for a derivative But they did it Came out to negative 1 It always does Stanford won 1 to nothing

Just based on field position It said nobody's watching that game It's just going to be like a pot of some horrible food That you really don't want to eat Just leave it on the stove for three hours. Come back. Oh, look, I've got porridge. Yay.

Moving on, looking down the schedule a little bit. It does thin out in the evening. We're kind of sleeping on LSU Auburn a little bit. Yeah, that's because we don't have good feelings about LSU. Which means they'll probably win. God damn it, they totally will. And then they'll lose two other games. No, they're like at 8 and 14.

It's just going to, because I thought Auburn was like the great disruptor in the SEC West, and I'm totally wrong. It's going to be LSU, right? They're going to lose four games and still screw up someone's season horribly. I mean, that goes for, like, everybody in the SEC West, right? No, no. Somebody's just going to beat some ass.

Yeah. I still think somebody's coming out of the SEC West, but it's just like one loss. Dr. Bo. We're all sitting here. Mississippi State. This is how it happens. Remember, we've already discussed this.

South Carolina gets back into the hunt. They win the SEC East They face a one lost Mississippi State team Headed to a possible national title shot Everything a Bulldog fans ever wanted And Steve Spurger is going to scuttle that so hard And be like, yeah

Remember that time you beat us in Starkville? Huh? How's it feel now? Should have thought twice about that one? Hey, Batesy, Batesy, come watch this. Yeah, Batesy, come on. Mississippi State, I never really even heard of them But they got a good little team I'm going to take this SEC championship team

all the way down of the Capital One Bowl. I didn't know Conference USA teams could win the U.S. West, but we're going to lose 515.

They win some horrible 13 to 9 game against Dan Mullen. I don't care. Send me to jail. We also have late night working down

through the schedule. Maybe the last potentially interesting Big 10 game for a while, like for a long while, Nebraska date since we've just kind of

give it up on the rest of the Big Ten and these are the two teams that we've decided are kind of like quality even though Iowa's lurk it just sitting right there waiting to just somehow... You can say that pretty much every year at all times. I was lurking. Professional lurker, Kirk Farrants.

What is the last thing that either of you can remember Tommy Armstrong doing football-wise? Handing off to Amir Abdullah. Okay, okay, other than that. probably throwing a pick yeah yeah so like that's not great

well i mean my actual answer was going to be throwing that like 99 yard bomb against Georgia in whatever shitty bowl they played in last year well he'll pull out one of those every now and then remember one can throw against the michigan state this year Oregon did it pretty well

albeit it was marius marriota Tommy Armstrong, Marcus Marietta, basically the same player. They both have letters in their names. There's actually a copyright infringement case. Can't get enough oxygen. Two of those just sucking it up.

Breathing all the time. Destroying the environment. Both of them just is equally. Yep. And then the late night game, there's one game. Cal. Say cow. Dude.

No, no, we don't just get... It gets even better. It's not just Cal. We don't just get... Cal. This is the ultimate, as Brian Floyd calls it, drunk Pact 12 football game. Oh my God. We're going to be up until 5 a.m. Cal at Washington State. This game is going to be like 300 to 302.

They're like, Connor Halliday through its Hail Mary, Wazoo caught it at the one, fumbled it, Cal ran it back for their game winning touchdown. And that's the first play. Yeah. We're going to get a four-point safety in this game. This game is going to last until week nine. Do you know what the over-under for this game is? 3 million. 78.5.

I'll take the over. Yeah. Hey, I mean, Zona Oregon over-under is 76, so that Kowazoo over is sounding pretty good. By way of comparison, the over-under in Louisville, Syracuse on Friday night, 48.5. Stanford, Notre Dame, 44.5. Under, please. Under, no at all.

Man, I'm throwing that over the transom. I don't care if you shut the door. I'm sliding it under. You're taking that. If it's 4.5, I'll take the under. That's smart. That's smart money. I'm putting the mortgage on that 117 game. Daddy, why are we rich? Because Notre Dame sucks.

that's the answer to everything is there a god well georgia tech still undefeated so no so no is what you're saying that's right son there's no god he lives in the acc paul johnson is there a god nope i ain't him yeah i don't care

neither is he our relationship's pretty great me and that non-existent god get out of my office desert end i think you're gonna hear that yeah that's the end paul johnson on god i don't care

just smite me good see what happens still ain't changing my offense see what happened bitch