ShutdownFullcast2.5
00:00Oh, the savagery of the Michigan football riots of 2014.The mainstream media, they don't want you to hear about it,but this is a shutdown full cast with myself, Spencer Hall,Jason Kirk, joining us from Kennesaw, Georgia.Hello.And Ryan Nanny, joining us from beautiful Brooklyn, New York City.That's right.that's the noise of contempt we have
00:31at the MSM for ignoringthis important media storyabout the savagery and violenceoccurring in Ann Arbor, Michiganas they protest the tyrannical reignof Dave Brandon and Brady Hokeand their reign of errorYou know, reports are coming in that in Ann Arbor
00:50there are people are going on hunger strikesbut not just normal hunger strikesThese are Michigan men we're talking aboutSo they're going on knowledge hunger strikes,refusing to listen to a single NPR podcast until Dave Brandon steps down.Not reading anything at Medium.com at all.Wait, no fresh air?Not even a whiff of fresh air between noon and midnight until Dave Brandon steps down.
01:17Jesus.Not a New Republic article shared.Not a Nal Ferguson podcast listened to.Not one.Well, surely they're still getting theirEconomist subscription.We're not savages, sir.Well, the
01:33society hasn't completelydevolved, sir.This isn't Guantanamo.There's still, you still need the basicsof survival.Please.Even though their recent turn towardsa consciousness
01:52neoliberalismreally disturbed the Michigan man.But we areWe are only buying the second best brie at the market.That's true, along with the weekly stop at Zingerman.But except for that, we're totally going on a hunger strike.I did think it was nice of the Michigan Riot Police to strictly use non-GMO-tier gas.That was a really nice touch.
02:19That was appreciated.I mean, and additionally, to excuse those with allergies from the protests, that's a big move.A very sensitive move in community policing that I think everyone should follow.Even if it wasn't an allergy to tear gas, it was just like, hey, I have a nut allergy.They were like, you know what?I can't say that this tear gas wasn't produced in a factory that also handles nuts.You know what?I asked the chef, and he doesn't know.
02:45So you probably just shouldn't order it.It may have soy.I don't know.This uniform is gluten-free.Bleed on it as you like.there was athere's talk of a foreigncoalition to
02:58to restore orderin Ann Arborreports ofOhio State sending bombersfull of gayyou know gay slursdropping thosethey're not very helpful
03:09but it's the thought that countsthere's a rumor those are actuallyjust secondhandfrom the University of Miamiyeah they'rewell they're importedthey're expiredeverything at the University of Miami
03:21is secondhand that means nothingIt's a fourth hand now.Hey, it's new to you.And remember, for University of Miami fans,Gay slurs never go out of style.Never.Nope, just as cool as they were in 1987.That's why the Roman Empire never died.
03:40It's true.Interesting.Just never gave up on that.I wouldn't know that because I'm a Michigan manand I've gone on a knowledge diet.Until Brady Hoke has taken.My favorite fact,by the way, from all of this, in case you
03:54might need some catching up,which you probably don't, butwe'll get you there anyway.Brady Hoke kind ofoversaw a proceduralsnafu and keeping apossibly concussed playerobviously head injured
04:10on the field.Thus, springing andserving is kind of the tipping point for peoplegetting blindlyjust so outragedthat they were allowed toon the internet, maybe on finewebsites like SB Nation,
04:27and are now protesting.Admittedly, probablynot really committingthe kind of violence that we'd imagined,you know, but still,actually protesting this.Which, I don't know if that was actually a planned protest.I don't think anybody knows at this point.
04:46Yeah, I think Brian Cook himselfsaid he should be fired becauseit appeared he was in charge,of the protest, but he actually wasn't.Yeah, like this might actually, we have to confirm this.It'll probably be confirmed by the time this is up tomorrow.I think Michigan fans went to this because they were afraid a syllabus would be handed outand they wouldn't get a copy of it.
05:09Because you know, if you're not there when they hand out the syllabus, you are fucked.How are you going to catch up?How?Somebody else is ahead of you.And then they're going to get into law school before you do.They're going to get that job in Chicago.Don't you want that job in Chicago?Whatever it is.
05:27We all want that job in Chicago.You hate it, but you need that job in Chicago.I don't even know what it is, and it's all I crave.Get me that job in Chicago.I'm selling insurance to insurance companies.That's very complicated.It's very important.Can you actually quantify what you're going to do with two degrees from Michigan?
05:45No, it's a product so removed from reality that nobody actually understands it,but it's fabulously expensive.It's important to quantify. It's a Dr. Manhattan kind of thing. You just, you don't need to understand it.But you'll appreciate it when I'm 500 feet tall, blue and naked, strongly in Earth.Yeah. Go blue. Go blue. Dr. Manhattan, the ultimate Michigan man.I have, I have departed this earth to create new worlds of crystal in the cosmos.And I don't care about football very much.There is no Rose Bowl here. And we certainly win it if there is.
06:21What do you call this constellation, Schembeckler Hall?So, really the only things of interest that happened this week were that.We're agreeing, like, basically that's the story.Yeah, oh yeah.On the field, there was really nothing happened other than FSU falling behind early, but...How are we just glossing over Charlie Weiss getting fired?Who?we're not talking about NFL coaches here sir
06:53they're far too smartRyan you're a few years behindhe was fired by Notre Dame several years agoI'm sorry but I realize he's still getting paid for thatnot one but two schools couldn't have made the mistakeof giving that man moneysurely surely you need to refresh your Wikipedia browserdo you think they're accidentally going to keep paying him after they're
07:15supposed to Notre Dame moneydude people just like writing himchecks. Be like, yeah, the HRcoordinator who was here at the time, sheleft, and we don't really know when it runsout, andhe's been dead for seven years,but we're still paying him. Is this like an auto
07:31draft check that people just take?Yeah. Like, I thinkmy grandfather was paid by the railroadfor like years afterwards, not in likea pension sort of way, but likeI think they just kept writing checks.So is it like that?Is Notre Dame like a railroad?
07:48Let's see.Is anything more like a railroad in Notre Dame?I mean, they do have trouble with Purdue all the time, so that would make sense.Let's see.Derail spectacularly?Mm, yes.Was incredible 100 years ago.Yes, yes.
08:04Was kind of built on a myth that doesn't actually exist?Was benefits immensely from unpaid labor?Is propped up by an outdated contract with a large corporate entity that doesn'tdoesn't deserve, yes?Beloved by Lou Holtz,true and both counts.Absolutely.You know Lou loved him in Ice Express.
08:27A train man, through and through.He is a train man.I bet Lou still travels by train.Even where there isn't one, he just puts it on the back of a truck.Just drives it.Engineers that way.Blake, yeah, like in Inception.That's Lou Holtz.
08:43Don't ever dream about Lou Holtz.Who do you think could explain the plot of Inception better,Lou Holtz or Mark May?Lou Holtz.I think Mark May, because he talks so quickly,he could explain any movie in about four seconds.Here's the thing about Inception.It doesn't have good offensive line play.
08:59I'm done with it.That's a really good Mark May.It's a spectacular Mark May.I mean, this is stupid, and it's kind of mean,but I don't know if Lou Holtz could even say Inception without everyone laughing.That's part.Why do you think I chose him?You start with it.
09:19You start with the basics and work out from there.Also, he's getting Skip a part in it somehow.Like, you'll get three sentences into it,and he'll be like, get my son, Skip Xling rest.And then Skip Holtz will come on, everybody will be like,oh, God, this dude.It's like the Matrix, but with not as cool guns.Oh, why do you have a job?
09:39Skip Holtz ruins everything.Not Tampa.No, contrary.He took them to a new low.I think the expression I heard on Saturday when Hoke went out, the only person who had anything comparable,somebody on Twitter said, has anybody ever seen a fan base as mad as the Michigan fan base is after this game?And the only person I saw even had a comparable answer was Colin Sherwin of Voodoo Five, our fine USF blog,who said, oh yeah, Skip Holtz when he left USF, like the 80 people who were there were basically like chasing him out of the stadium.
10:18And I was like, is there anythingscarier? It would be scary to bechased by like 5,000people in Tampa, but for some reason I'mway more terrified of being chased by like12. Yeah, theyjust have so much mobility at that point.That was like two or three games after he just started
10:34like burning red shirts to try to save hisjob, like screwingover the next coachjust to try and beatI don't know, Western Kentucky or whoever.It's like taking a pickaxe to your apartmentwalls hoping you're just going to find moneybecause you can't make the rent
10:51and fuck the security depositat this point. That's called the TampaRetirement Hap.Skip Holtzretirement assets.We'll just start breaking into houses.Break some stuff. This might bethe legend of Zelda. There might be a bomb
11:07in it. You could use the bombto blow open a craterand then you might find a ruby in it.Took apart this IKEA cabinetand I found an 18th century silverdagger.Use it to kill a Zora.Gotta be a red shirt
11:24in here somewhere.That was the only answer where I looked at it and thought,no, I bet that was really terrifying.I bet that was just as angry.And it was in the Buck Stadium, too.Yeah, yeah, like someone's like manning the cannonin the pirate ship.Yard!
11:41Lower! Lower!Fill it with checkers french fries.Those wouldThose would kill on contact.Fired at a great enough velocity, admit it.It would be brutal.Sir, your blood is full of paprika.We can't do anything.
11:57It's a matter of hours.You'll either become a Hungarian or you'll die.You're made entirely of powder.My mutant power is seasoning.Man, we're already so far off course.I'm sorry.Oh, yeah.Well, other things that, like, just before,
12:17we completely dismissed last week is totallyuninteresting. Arkansas is likethe best little team that could.They're just so close to winninga game at this point in the SECand they justcontinue to likejust barely miss it
12:33somehow againstreally good teams.Certain to ruin someone's seasonand going to be reallygood next year.Basically.God. God,Bileman's going to be unbearable once that happens.
12:49Yeah.Yeah, that's fan.And that's when it really falls apart.I think that's what we're all about.We're playing that long game, though.We want Arkansas to get really good, and then we want vertigo.We want the nightmare to happen all over again.I'm up 2,000 at the roulette table.
13:04I should bet more.Brett Bilemma has a mistress.That mistress is the governor's wife?Shaka Khan?Way to go, Brett Bilema.My man.I feel for both of you.I think they let him off with that one.
13:27I mean, who's mad at that?I was trying to think of, like, the woman in Arkansas that, like, would be the most,or in the Arkansas constellation.But, like, the, uh, a Walton.Someone from the Walton family.You know, I don't even know she's from Arkansas, but I'm just going to throwAraiba McIntyre out there.Hmm.
13:45Uh, Hillary Clinton.oh that that putArkansas fans in a bind wouldn't itwell like like Brett Bilema ruinsthe presidential election and wins theSEC in the same yearor better yetwell I was there
13:59I had no choice but to run the ballthat's what the card saidwhat the card said this card sayshave sex with Hillary Clintonhad to do itwho's writing your cardsBrett Bilemamy friend Steve he's a dick
14:14Mitt Romney is in charge of Pratt Beelma all alongThatThey're still like this close to being goodTexas A&M is still the teamThat's just probably gonna be able to bail itself outAnd like the way that probably frustrates dudesLike David Pollock the most rightLike they just threw two long passes
14:34And made one stopThat's not footballYeah that's actually footballTeams can win like thatThat is within the rulesYeah you canyou can do it, as far as I know.No flags on that play.
14:48Anything else of notebefore we just dump week fiveinto the dumpster?Nah.I think Florida had a great week,just speaking as a homer.Florida had Florida's second best week of the year so far,counting the one where you thought you'd have to play a game,
15:06and then you didn't. You can't top that.Instant power rankings.Best weeks for Florida so farin this very young season.Lightning game.and bye week, solid one and solidtwo. Yep.Followed by a game
15:20against Eastern Michigan, Kentucky,and then Alabama.Even Florida's biweek couldn't be goodbecause all anybody would fucking talk aboutwas Jacoby Brissette being awesomeat NC State.And then reminding you that Tyler Murphyhad been the quarterback who helped
15:35Boston College upset USC.So nothing is good for Florida ever.Nope. Did you see a, allWill, oh, Will, today, had a question from Edgar Thompson, the Orlando Sentinel, where heasked if Tennessee was a big game, and Will must champ testily answered, well, they're allbig games now, every one of them, every week.Including Eastern Michigan and the lightning game.Including that light, man, we kicked the shit out of lightning.
16:07One in a lot of lightning on the year.But yeah, he's starting to run out of, uh, I think he's actually getting.tired of himself.I don't thinkI think he's going to challenge somebody to a fightat a press conference.Might be himself.Come on, come on, Will.
16:24He's so tough.I don't know who's in charge of this team,but I am going to...I'll beat his ass.I'm going to beat that dude.Gators deserve better than whateveridiots running this ship.Everybody just needs to do their job,
16:37including me. Jerk.Total jerk me.Oh, Will.Just talking.to himself.Well, don't say that.Talking himself down off the podium.It's like David Lynch's roadhouse.
16:52That's the bestsingle encapsulationsummary of the Will Must Champ eraI've heard.Yeah, I don't need to hear anything elseabout Florida until next year.Yeah, we can, we've pissedFlorida football is so bad at this.
17:06We've pissed off Jason,who actually likes Manball.David Lynch's Roadhouse.I'm good.until y'all hire Bobby Petrinoand then we will revisit.I'm just going to dubFlorida footage over some of David Lynch's
17:23horrible solo albums that he's releasedwhere he sort of creepily sings about ice creamover his music? I didn't even know this.Bobby Petrino's years at Floridaare going to be Lars von Trier's Roadhouse.Yes.I can't wait.Wait, wait, years?
17:41Yeah, he's like, yeah.I'm rounding up.Months. After he quits in weektwo of year two. Okay, weeks,weeks. His spectacular 27-day tenure at the University of Florida.Hey, hey. Burn, right.Don't be hating on that quick gestation period.Well, at least we didn't
17:59at least we didn't pass over Kevin Sumblin to hire Brady Hoke.Oh.Michigan.I would die it to.That's it.We officially have to move on because you're making me too sad now.There one last note on that, by the way.I bet they passed him over
18:13because they were like,Oh,a Michigan man just don't have swag.Can you imagine him asking for a swag copter?Well, you see a swag copter.Whoa,Whoa,Whoa,
18:24Washington football is open.I think I could get him one if he woreone of those, like,leather caps with the gogglesbuilt into him, you know?I'm like a scarf.You're talking about George Lucas's red tails?You're talking like an old helicopter
18:40that looks like a radio tower,strapped to a bubble.I think if Kevin Sumblinflew a triplane to high school games,I think you can pull that off at Michigan.Like tailspin.I will ask, lift me on the bike.Exactly.
18:56Launch pad McQuack.If he had some sort of a Zeppelin piloted by chipmunks,Michigan head coach.You know, now we're just turning this into like a Michigan commentthread because they would really dig that.You'd be like it's a Zeppelin, you know?Hey, man, I would dig that.Maybe with some otters?
19:11Hmm.Well, here 19 minutes into it, I think we can go ahead and move on to the most important part of the evening,which is reader mail and questions submitted from Twitter.Our first reader question of the week, by reader, I mean a listener, comes to us from Peter Burns of ESPN.Could I get SEC rap power rankings by team, please?what team can claim certain rappers, et cetera.So, I've gone ahead and figured this out for us.Number one, representing Texas A&M is UGK.
19:51I feel that Bunby has acknowledged the existence of Kevin Sumlin,Johnny Mansell, and Kenny Hill,and seem to defer to Kevin Sumlin on the question of whetherKenny Hill has earned the nickname Kenny Trill.Therefore, I think it's okay to tie the Aggies to UGK,and anytime UGK is in Arapolis,UGK is probably number one.Number two, Mississippi State, represented by a fan of Mississippi State Big Crit.
20:16He's not an Ole Miss fan.He's a Mississippi State fan.Number three, LSU, one of the most crowded rap markets as far as it's hard to even pick a single rapper to represent LSU here.But I went with Juvenile.Number four, I got Bama.Number four, rep by Yellow Wolf.he's mentioned Nick Saban in song beforethere's more
20:41more Bama rappers than you'd thinkcould we could we throw a rich boy in therewell I'll get through rich boy laterI'll get through rich boy later okay okaynumber fivethis is probably going to stun you all a little bitbut I got Bubba Sparks representing the dogswe know he's a Georgia fan based on Twitter
20:58and you might think you knowGeorgia you go outcast or whateverbut Atlanta and Athensreally really different markets hereI think you could go Bubba, you could go someone like Field Mob.You could probably even go like Pastor Troy, who spends a lot of his time outside of Atlanta.But Bubba Sparks, his second or third album, the one Timberlin produced.They had a lot of, the whole thing was like Blue Grass, one of the most underrated rap albums of the last decade.
21:27So I'm comfortable with Bubba Sparks, number five here.Number six, we're going with Napier Roots, representing Kentucky.number seventhis probably be the most controversialoneNellie representing the zoosome people would have a number onesome people would have a number 14
21:43that's got to be Murphy Leebut whateverokay well all rightlisten I told you it's going to be controversialI tried to warn himnumber eight South Carolinathis is kind of a tough onebecause there are not a lot of South Carolina
21:57rappers I know that's the most shocking thingyou've ever heardyoung Jeezy's from South Carolinabut has actually neveracknowledge that in any way. I'm going with those dudes who made thatGamecock fan rap video. I was gonna say, yeah, no, that thing wasthat thing was like hard. Yeah, if you haven't heard it look it up atEDSPS. It's the best fan rap video that's ever been made by
22:21far. Yeah, it's basically about like how hard life is in South Carolina andhow they love the Gamecocks anyway even though it sucks. Like it'sit's called Ride for my team. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.It's, I mean, as far as, like, rappers representing a school, it doesn't get any closer or better than this.After that, we have, we're going to the state of Tennessee, but we're not going to Tennessee itself.We've got to go to Nashville because I don't think either Vandy or Tennessee can claim Memphis at all.We're going to go to Vandy for Young Buck, who is Nashville's only rapper.Only rapper.
22:57And it's, you know, he's pretty good.That's about all I have to say about Young Buck.The next one is Arkansas.I had to look up here to find out that Roscoe Dash is from Arkansas.And without him, turn up would probably not be a thing.So cultural impact on the rap world coming from the state of Arkansas.Didn't see that coming.And from here on out, it's a little fly-by-wire.
23:29For Tennessee, we're going with that basketball player.they had a couple years ago who did some rap songsSwiper Boy. Yes, Swiper Boyfor Old MissThis was the hardest one of allBecause it's Old MissWe gotta go with Eli ManningHe's been in a rap video
23:45Oh, I thought you were going to sayWright Thompson for that oneOhFrom the streets of CoptonHow muchLike money amountright Thompson cuts a rap single that he does the verses on not the beat okay i'm not gonna makehim like embarrass himself with a garage band beat okay uh so so we're so we're so we're giving him
24:15a michael made it beat and just be right thompson over it dude i'll give him like uh we'll give hima pretty good beat like are we talking like a like you name the producer we can do it you knowwho we can get for stupid cheap is scott storch no scottGot Storch beat.He's probably, that's probably the worst fit you could ever imagine, so let's try that.I like that.I'm just saying, he's broke as hell.Okay, that's true.
24:42Is he?Oh, yeah, yeah.I mean, he seems so frugal.I mean, cocaine, if you're going to do a drug, cocaine, it's really an affordable one.All right, so two more here.Auburn, this is another really hard one.I thought about Rich Boy here, because he's from Mobile, and that's close.It's at least South Alabama, but I'm going to go with Christy Malzahn.
25:05We've had old dudes here, and, you know, she's got personality.I bet she could put some rhymes together.Can I call her Christy Azalea now?Yeah, you might as well.Sure.All right.Because she is very fancy.She's actually from, you know, the part of the world where that flower is a big thing
25:21and not Australia, so sure.She's so fancy.You already know.You know she's crazy from a church video.Oh, oh.And then a dead last.I tried to find a rapper from North Florida.And the best I could do is Fred Durs.
25:36So y'all got Fred Durs and you're in last place.Yep.That's fair.It's fair.I also think, by the way, that, you know,that Yellow Wolf really gets the entire spectrum of Alabama fanhoodbecause he did have a video where an Auburn fan was shot dead.So in keeping with Alabama's theme of,
26:00we'd actually like to destroy and kill things that aren't us yellow wolf right there yeahand also he has a song about uh driving someone else's really expensive car which has nothingto do with the state of alabama or you know Alabama football i don't know why i even mention thatyou know what everyone just borrows a car in alabama you just got different words for how longyou borrow it get that down off the tow truck i set that check dang it takes a village umNext question.I think that's on you, Ryan.Okay.
26:33This one comes from VT. Ben, and he asks,Better Final Record this year, Florida or Indiana?So Florida has a slight advantage in that they've played one less game than Indiana to date Florida's 2 and 1, Indiana's 2 and 2.Looking at Indiana's schedule, I'm going to say I conservatively see at least four more wins.I think they can beat North Texas, Iowa, Michigan, and Purdue.There's probably another possible win on there, but I am, in theory, talking about Indiana making a bowl game, which is not a thing that ever happens.So let's say we're looking at six wins for Indiana.Compare that to Florida,
27:32which obviously didn't get to six wins last year.Yeah, they're not going to get to six wins.So Indiana wins this.Yeah, I'm comfortable awarding Indiana here at this point.With Tennessee looking better, that one was looking like a win,but now it sure doesn't.I think Florida.That five and six thing with asking the NCAA if you can go to a bowl,
27:53at 5 and 6, that's starting to look pretty real.Yeah, yeah, I think Eastern Newtucky and Vanderbilt, those are the wins.And the only other hope I have is that Will Mustchamp is convinced that he has no choicebut to beat Georgia to salvage his dwindling image, and somehow does that.And that won't happen in any universe.Well, I think if you do that, then you go ahead and Mark Van Gogh.Andy is a loss.Yeah.
28:26God damn.God damn.I can't have anything.He can't,he can't do both.Great.It's only one hand.Will Muston.
28:34He can't beat Georgia and Vandy.Move on.Next question.I hate this.Next question.I agree, by the way.That's a full sweep for Indiana having a better record than Florida.This is a very important one.
28:48And one that I think is an underreported story again in that dastardly mainstream media.which is, is, from Jamie at Chucky Crater on Twitter.Is SMU the worst D1 college football team you've ever seen?If not, who was it?Now, the very preliminary and shocking answer is this.SMU might be the worst D1 football team of my lifetime.It just, if they keep this up, and I believe they can.Because just four games into this season,
29:23SMU is putting up a torrid pacein four gamesthese are the four games they've playedthey lost 45-0 to Baylorthey lost 43-6 to North Texasthey lost 586 to Texas A&Mand they followed that up with a loss560 to TCU that is four games
29:5112 points and over 200 points allowedover 50 points a game overalldeplorable on both sides of the fieldJason has maybe the saddest fact I have heard about a teamthrough four gamesthey have yet to attempt an extra pointso far this year the only the two touchdowns they scoredone came at the very end of the North Texas game
30:17and there's no reason to attempt the extra pointbecause they would still be losing by 35 points.They'd converted a two-pointer.And the other was against TCU, a 31-yarder that was ruled not a touchdownbecause the player was down 30 yards shy of the goal line,and SMU Football's official Twitter account tweeted it with a frowny-face emoticon.And then they did not follow it up by actually scoring a touchdown or a field goal.Now let me go down this line and just highlight what Lovecraftian,
30:49horror could await the SMU football team,which has already lost its head coach,who resigned because...Because he's old.I'm tired.June Joe's just resigned because, yeah,did you see this? I'm done.Yeah, and it's not just you lost your head coach
31:09and everyone's reorganized.It's also there's one fewer, like, set of eyeballs on, like,on these players, you know,one fewer adult telling these players there's more to lifethan SMU football.Well, I think you're overrating what he did, but...Maybe he never did that. I don't know.I don't know whether...
31:27I don't know whether doing anything is really a question here at this point, because...Well, you got... They're going to East Carolina this week.That line opened at 39 points.Who just put 70 on UNC.Yeah.Cincinnati, Memphis, those will both be tough games.The last five, maybe they could score a touchdown or two, but...Not until November are they likely to score a touchdown, in my opinion.
31:52If you want to know how the random brilliance of college football scheduling,it can be really bad.But like, for instance, in November 1st, when Baylor has to play Kansas.Has to.What do you mean has to?Nobody has to do anything, really.I just got to do anything, but wait around and sit around and wait to die.That's Kansas football this year.
32:15Go Jayhawks.It's a Sturgle Simpson song.Ain't got to do a goddamn thing, but sit around and wait to die.Go, Jayhawks.But, yeah, that last month of the season, guess what it ends with?At Connecticut.Yeah.Players from Dallas are going to Connecticut in December.
32:33God.After they've lost their head coach, 11 games, probably scored like 30 points.They get to go to Connecticut.And Bob Diaco is going to be so pissed by them.To play a team that is designed to get a football gameover with as quickly as possiblewith no regard for wins or loss.It's a mercy killing
32:54for everyone involved. It's thedad's making dinner of football teams.Just put it all togetherand get food on the table. Fuck what itlooks like. Connecticut is just a fivesecond film. We're playing footballand we're not.Yukon is a vine.
33:09They're the onlyfootball team that could be a vine.And we're on and now we're not.Final score 10.3. You're welcome.it's like i don't know what happened but the game's over and that's fine this is the worstprice is right game ever this is a you know i really enjoy yukon games because i can go homeand play tennis and the lights are still on yeah they might really be the worst team but this didlead to the question of after we've fully illustrated how bad sm you really could be headless
33:41smu at this point we did go through and pick some truly atrocious teams uh goof horrible football past.Jason, yours?I'm going to lead us off with 2006, FIU,which went 0 and 12 in the big metrics point scored.It was a last in offense, 87th in scoring defense.It was shut out three times by Miami,prehistoric ULM and prehistoric Florida Atlantic.
34:13And the question, the stipulation was this has to be a teamthat you actually saw.and we all have seen this teambecause this is the teamthat got in the big brawl with Miamiwhere like radio announcerswere cheering on the brawl and everythingAmad Ned going in on crutches, yeah
34:28players on crutches were joining the frayin that game they did lose 35 to nothing to MiamiI'm gonna say this is the worst team I've ever seenIt's a robust choiceFrankly Ryan's got a better answer than I doSo he's going to go lastMine's still pretty goodthat would be
34:47the worst one I've seen in personwould be the 1994 Kentucky Wildcatswhich is one of the worst Kentucky teamsever put togetherthat damnthat's a that's athat's a brisk vintage isn't itjust got fine notes of
35:03atrocityethanolthat was the team that I sawthe game I saw was Tim Couchrunning the optionunder a blazing Florida sunon September 10th1994 yes they lost
35:1573 to 7 in that gameback when Florida was competent at footballbut the worst team that I've seen on televisionrecent historywas the winless 2005Temple Owlswho you may remember from such hits asthe time we lost 65-0 to Wisconsin
35:36or the time we lost 70 to 7 to Bowling Greenor that month where we only scored 20 pointsand they went an entire month and only scored 20 points.Oh, maybe the time we lost 51-3 to Virginia.My favorite note about that team is they finished within a touchdown only once all year.Yes, they only, and that was against Western Michigan,which was a 1619 loss, whose box score I will not look upbecause I have enough sadness in my life.
36:11RyanSo I was originally, and I didn't tell either of you this,going to go with the 2000 slash 2001 Duke Blue Devils,a team that was so bad, they went 0 and 11 in 2000,and they kept the coach.And you know what he did in 2001?Did it again.He went 0 and 11 again.
36:37Remix.But you know what?There is not a chance.In 2002, 2001, I was in high school.And even if I was not the most popular kid in high school,no fucking way I was watching Duke football.So I'm going to go with the 2008 Washington Huskies,Ty Willingham's 0-12 year.
37:02And they actually had kind of a tough schedule.They had to play BYU and Oklahoma and Notre Dameout of conference.But my God, this was a terrible...This was like...They lost to Paul Wolfe.That happened.That was the year
37:24when Washington and Utahwas advertised as the Crapple Cup.Yeah, and that was a...That was a 2-11Washington State teamthat, other than the Washington game,only beat Portland State.Now, was that Jerry Grant...
37:41Jerry Glanville's Portland State at that time.Might have been.There is no record of that, sir.I cannot tell you.I did find a record, by the way,from the only time when the 2005 Temple Owls were within a touchdown.I found the Brave AP writer's account of somebody who actually watched this.Holy shit.
37:59There are so many sentences in this that are each the saddest thing ever writtenthat I don't really know where to start, but I will try.Nate Meyer kicked a 33-yard field goal as time.Time expired to give Western Michigan a 1916 win over winless temple on Saturday.The Broncos, two and two, storm the field as they celebrated their first two-game winning streak since late in 2003.Several owls lay stunned, their best real chance of victory gone, and another horrible ending added to one of the worst programs in football.It gets worse.Oh, my God.
38:36The owls had plenty of chances to win.A boxed extra point attempt cost them two points that came back to haunt them.They also let several scoring opportunities slip away in a game that lasted nearly four hours.Holy shit.Was there some sort of, was there a hurricane or something?I don't know.There should have been.Was there a volcano?
38:59Should have wiped this from the earth.Better still.Hoss.Okay, if he started, Robbie Hoss.Western Michigan's starting quarterbackwas needed after Ryan Cupid's game to a horrible endwhen he was seriously hurtso Temple didn't even get out of this game
39:15without ruining somebody else's dayall righthe was wheeled off the fieldso terrible injurythanks Temple and as if that wasn't bad enoughHaas took over and had a pass intercepted by Templesetting up a good scoring opportunitybut in typical Temple setback he's phrasing
39:35the player was penalized for spiking the ballwhich completely ruined all scoring chancesbecause oh 15 yards away might as well puntnope nope there's two more sentences that are actuallyokay it gets worse it's no it gets worsea sparse crowd turned out at lincoln financial fieldwith maybe 1500 fans in the stands for kickoffit's an NFL size stadium 1500 people
40:03on the visitor's side of the stadiumeverything was emptyonly a few fans were in the end zonesand the biggest cheers that cameat half time for akids football gamewowPhiladelphians cheering something
40:20that's hey that's progressthat's true that isn't a mass murderthat isn't you knowbasically murder because rememberPhiladelphians all closet serial killersevery last one of themright evidence against ita mass murder.
40:34Right down to Terry Gross.Hi, this is Fresh Air, and I'm thinkingabout bodies in the walls.Man, that AP writer went hard.That AP writer was not happy to be there.That AP writer emptied somesome emotions in that recap.I'm hoping they... You made me sit through this
40:49bullshit. I'm going to hear some things.I'm hoping they contact us.I went to Northwestern, and I'm going to show you.I know what'sfootball supposed to look like.I went to Northwestern in the 80s.An atrocity, exactly like this.Oh, it's a Denny Green fan.
41:08A couple of wrap-up questions here before we move on.How many Paul Johnsons does it take to get drunk?That's a question from Nate McW at Nate MCW on Twitter.Well, we have to define what a Paul Johnson is.I'm going to assume a Paul Johnson is pretty much just kerosene in a glass,maybe garnished with a giant four-inch bolt.Why, you got to put it in a glass, you got hands.That's true.
41:31Got strong hands, right?Right? Strong enough the whole kerosene?It's just a shoe full of kerosene, a wooden shoe.I'm going to assume it's one of those like series drinks.You know, you got to do this before you drink this.Like it's whatever it is, it's seven of something and five of the other.First you get the kerosene in, and then you got to drink the vinegar.Then you've got to punch yourself five times.
41:56You got to titrate it.That's pretty complex for mountain technology, Ryan.Always be titrating.I think you just leave it outside underneath a full moon to ensure that a witch comes over and test it for you.I think the answer to how many Paul Johnson says it takes to get drunk?There's two answers.One is like a half because it would kill most men.Or the other is, I don't care.
42:22Paul Johnson doesn't care.Last question.Matt King, at Matt King or on Twitter, wants to know.Who would host a Kitchen Nightmare style show that fixes.poorly run collegiate athletic programs.Pretty easy one.The answer is at Orgeron.Mm-hmm.
42:40Which, uh, he's, he's already done it, so.I would, I would watch the John L. Smith version, where he actually makes it worse somehow.He is the kitchen nightmare.Be like, hey, you had a perfectly functioning seven-win team.Now I'm going to get my hot piss all over it.They call him the kitchen nightmare.He's like the kitchen apparition, the kitchen phantom.It's like Gremlin's three.
43:05I'm stuck in the walk-in with all this hot pass.You fed John L. Smith after midnight?Oh, God damn it.It's going to get involved in a Ponzi scheme.He does it every time.I think Ed Ordrott is the correct answer.He did say today, by the way, real quote,at a quarterbacks club or one of these alumni club meetings that he was at.
43:29And they asked him, you know,what's the secret to sort of take an over programand improving morale.His answer, quote,Cookies!He is quite literally a Sesame Street character.Following that, he said,First day I put cookies out,
43:50they ate 500 of them.Oh, man.He's the best sleepover dad ever.Ed Orrude runs so goodas long as he's not in charge of your football program.Like if he's the temporary guy, if he's the recruiter,if he's not the dude trying to poach your recruits after a hurricane, he's a great guy.He's got an expiration date, and it is short.
44:14I'm telling you, he's sleepover, dad.You want to go to, you want to be friends with his kid,so you can go to that sleepover, but you don't want him to be your dad.Oh, you kind of do.Well, you kind of do, but only in the most unreal sense of the word.Maybe you shouldn't, but...Not once you turn 30, you.don't? No, no. Or maybe that's
44:33when you really want them, because you're like,oh, fatherhood's a lie. It's all an illusionanyway. I think you're projecting.Maybe.In our conclusion here,so start looking at this week,which is abundant.We have many, many games to look at,
44:53starting really on Thursday nightwhen we get, for some reason, yet another1030 kick. Can't imagine why the Pac-12has problems getting traction on the east.goes among voters and writers.10.30,you should stay up because Arizona is going to play at Oregon,and that game will not be sane.
45:12Nope, it's in the bylaws.Larry Scott is just banging on that Asian market.He's like, oh, America's going to fall anyway.China's where all the action is going to be.And these 1030 games are going to be catnip.Yeah, not a lot of people know that China actually hastwo shadow delegates on the playoff selection committee.Well, they own us anyway, right?
45:34One of them is Archie Manning.I knew it.Archie Manning, secret Asian.Can you spell China without Archie Manning?Hold on, you put me on the spot here, Ryan.Let me get out my calculator and figure out his answer.Geez.Ty Hilton Brandt and Archie Manning, both secret Asians.
45:54Wait.You know that about Ty, right?That's a running gag.For a minute, I thought you were saying Ty Willinghamwas Ty Hilden Brand, but I'm fine with that too.Maybe.See like Nause.It's a Tupac Machiavelli kind of thing.
46:15Oh, okay.Let's go to,let's see.Florida, Tennessee, let's not talk about that.Why the hell would we do it there?Nope. Nope.Nope.Going to lose. Just bypassing that.
46:28I'm done with Florida football.Wow.I'm going to watch.Seriously, you two are not going to watch itI'm the only one who's going to watch itI honestly don't know why you're doing thisI have toYou don't have to
46:40You're oh my GodA man hasA man has rulesStupid, inflexible rules about lifeYou might as well be CatholicMove onLet's seeAlabama at Old Miss
46:54The CBS game of the weekYeahYeah I still think this is going to be likeA major letdownDr. Bo!I think so.The line's up to Bama by a touchdown.Yeah.
47:07I think it started at four.It's just creeping on up.Yeah, I'd take that to cover.I think people are drifting in the right directionbecause on Monday they're real excited about Old Miss,and they started thinking about that offenseworking against that defense.They're like, Dr. Bo!
47:25I'm going to go, I'll go Bama to cover there.But who is the best defense, Alabama?has played to date.Is it FAU?If the honest answer we give is West Virginia?It might be in West Virginia, right?It is West Virginia, to be honest.It's West Virginia.
47:50So that's not much of it.I mean, if you're going fromthat's the best you've playedto a really nasty old Miss defense,that's kind of concerning, right?Oh, sure.Sure, on defense, yeah, but...Well, and then you just DVR past the other part, and you're good.
48:10But those points do count.I don't believe that's true, sir.I don't know.I don't know about those non-DVR points.They get on Bo Wallace, those do count.Yeah.I think this is a game.In my opinion.
48:20No, it's like traffic points.You just go online, you get them all taken away.I go to a class.In the check that's like a dollar short, and then you don't cash the refund,and then you're beating Bama by three in the fourth quarter.That's right.I go to that stand-up comedy DUI class,except for turnovers,
48:40and then I just get two of them back.I like this because it's just that the DUI is caused by stand-up comedy.Yeah, that's it, which entirely plausible.Let's see, we've got Oklahoma at TCU,and boy, after an Ebola diagnosis,those tickets are probably a little bit cheaper than they were.I'm never going outside again, Hank.Oklahoma at TCU, this is really one of Oklahoma's only real challenges in the Big 12.
49:10Agreed.Agreed.Well, you know, depending on who wins Baylor, Texas, because if you talk to them Texas boys, that's, I mean, Texas is still Texas.Hey, without question, Texas is still Texas.They are two and two, therefore Texas is still Texas.East Germany is still East Germany, am I right?Well, Stasi, stay Stasi.I hope somebody puts that on a burnt orange shirt.
49:41Stasi, Stasi, Huck him.Huck him, with the umlots over the O.Yeah, I think Oklahoma rolls in that one.I don't think it's that close.I mean, I know T.C. was good.Yeah, T.C. is good.And they have the home field.advantage and it's not much of one but it's uh it's not oklahoma i'll tell you that much right
50:06now uh you put me down for that no one's watching stanford at notre dame i don't care how manytvs you have set up no one's watching that yeah it's on the same time as uh u tc u bama omis and baylortexas so no fuck that i'm not watching uh notre dame score eight points against stanford andstanford win by eleven to eight be like ever goulson completed 30 passes and he only had 28 yardsStanford got in the red zone16 timesand scored 12 pointsscored pie I don't know how they did
50:39that and somehow wonThey went for point oneIt was crazyI didn't know you could go for a derivativeBut they did itCame out to negative 1It always doesStanford won 1 to nothing
50:52Just based on field positionIt said nobody's watching that gameIt's just going to be like a pot of some horrible foodThat you really don't want to eatJust leave it on the stove for three hours.Come back.Oh, look, I've got porridge.Yay.
51:06Moving on, looking down the schedule a little bit.It does thin out in the evening.We're kind of sleeping on LSU Auburn a little bit.Yeah, that's because we don't have good feelings about LSU.Which means they'll probably win.God damn it, they totally will.And then they'll lose two other games.No, they're like at 8 and 14.
51:25It's just going to, because I thought Auburn was like the great disruptor in the SEC West,and I'm totally wrong.It's going to be LSU, right?They're going to lose four gamesand still screw up someone's season horribly.I mean, that goes for, like, everybody in the SEC West, right?No, no.Somebody's just going to beat some ass.
51:40Yeah.I still think somebody's coming out of the SEC West,but it's just like one loss.Dr. Bo.We're all sitting here.Mississippi State.This is how it happens.Remember, we've already discussed this.
51:56South Carolina gets back into the hunt.They win the SEC EastThey face a one lostMississippi State teamHeaded to a possible national title shotEverything a Bulldog fans ever wantedAnd Steve Spurger is going to scuttle that so hardAnd be like, yeah
52:10Remember that time you beat us in Starkville?Huh? How's it feel now?Should have thought twice about that one?Hey, Batesy, Batesy, come watch this.Yeah, Batesy, come on.Mississippi State, I never really even heard of themBut they got a good little teamI'm going to take this SEC championship team
52:26all the way downof the Capital One Bowl.I didn't knowConference USA teamscould win the U.S.West, butwe're going to lose515.
52:35They win some horrible13 to 9 gameagainst Dan Mullen.I don't care.Send me to jail.We also havelate nightworking down
52:47through the schedule.Maybe the lastpotentially interestingBig 10 gamefor a while,like for a long while,Nebraskadate since we've just kind of
52:58give it up on the rest of the Big Ten and these are the twoteams that we've decided are kind of like qualityeven though Iowa's lurk itjust sitting right there waiting to justsomehow... You can say that pretty muchevery year at all times. I waslurking. Professionallurker, Kirk Farrants.
53:15What is the last thing thateither of you can remember Tommy Armstrongdoing football-wise?Handing off to Amir Abdullah.Okay, okay, other than that.probably throwing a pickyeahyeah so like that's not great
53:32well i mean my actual answer was going to bethrowing that like 99 yard bombagainst Georgia in whatevershitty bowl they played in last yearwell he'll pull out one of those every now and thenrememberone can throw against the michigan state this yearOregon did it pretty well
53:52albeitit was marius marriotaTommy Armstrong, Marcus Marietta,basically the same player.They both have letters in their names.There's actually a copyright infringement case.Can't get enough oxygen.Two of those just sucking it up.
54:10Breathing all the time.Destroying the environment.Both of them just is equally.Yep.And then the late night game, there's one game.Cal.Say cow.Dude.
54:22No, no, we don't just get...It gets even better.It's not just Cal.We don't just get...Cal. This is the ultimate, as Brian Floyd calls it,drunk Pact 12 football game. Oh my God. We're going to be up until 5 a.m.Cal at Washington State.This game is going to be like 300 to 302.
54:41They're like, Connor Halliday through its Hail Mary,Wazoo caught it at the one, fumbled it,Cal ran it back for their game winning touchdown. And that's the first play.Yeah. We're going to get a four-point safety in this game.This game is going to last until week nine.Do you know what the over-under for this game is?3 million.78.5.
55:08I'll take the over.Yeah.Hey, I mean, Zona Oregon over-under is 76, so that Kowazoo over is sounding pretty good.By way of comparison, the over-under in Louisville, Syracuse on Friday night,48.5.Stanford, Notre Dame,44.5. Under, please.Under, no at all.
55:31Man, I'm throwing that over the transom.I don't care if you shut the door.I'm sliding it under. You're taking that.If it's 4.5, I'll take the under.That's smart. That's smart money.I'm putting the mortgage on that 117 game.Daddy, why are we rich?Because Notre Dame sucks.
55:54that's the answer to everythingis there a godwell georgia tech still undefeatedso no so no is what you're sayingthat's right son there's no godhe lives in the accpaul johnson is there a godnope i ain't him yeah i don't care
56:18neither is he our relationship's pretty greatme and that non-existent godget out of my officedesert endi think you're gonna hear thatyeah that's the endpaul johnson on godi don't care
56:34just smite megoodsee what happensstill ain't changing my offensesee what happenedbitch
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.