Shutdown Fullcast - Shutdownfullcast3

Episode Date: September 17, 2013

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Dear, dear Coach Bellini, I'm just, I'm just mad as fucking hell that you would use that kind of goddamn language and describing our fuck ton of a fan base. To whom it fucking concerns. Fuck Nebraska. To the honor fucking noble, Bo fucking Polini. How fucking dare you use that language. in fucking regards to this institution of fucking learning that pays you six fucking million dollars or what fucking ever every fucking year.

I've seen you out there with the sick little fucking kids, and that's great. And I appreciate all the goddamn charity work you do. But when you talk about the fan base, the hardworking shit heels who pay your goddamn ass. wipe and special dollar bill ass wipe and toilet paper budget. I don't know. You probably wipe your bottom width, pardon my language. But seriously, you can't talk that fucking way about the

greatest fucking fans in America. And if you don't believe it, I'm going to write all this down. I'm going to throw it through a fucking brick. And I'm going to put it not through the windshield of your house, but I'm certainly going to open your truck door and just put it right in that bastard. Coach Polini, as an educator, I work with young children for the last 30 years, and what I try to teach them is the value of choosing language, not only for its shock value, but for what it can convey about you as a person. And I'm very disappointed in that you needed to rely on such vulgarities to get a

point across. Sincerely yours, fuck off. Frank fucking Solich wouldn't ever stoop to this You you a piece of cock shit I want to slam your dick in a car trunk And drive it off a cliff But we don't have any Yeah

There's got to be one cliff in Nebraska Right Like one I thought even though they didn't have cars We'll get the one fucking car You see And then we're going to put We're going to put one fucking car on that one fucking cliff.

We got a fucking Ferris wheel powered by corn ethanol. I will throw your ass off it, Bo Polini. This is starting to do like a very tame version of the Wu-Tang torture skit. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to set that corn on the friar for like five minutes. Let it pop real loud. I'll put you on a silo on a moderately warm day, and I won't tell your parents for at least. three hours. And then I'm a, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a, I'm a,

that we're going to get your leg tangled in a combine, then I'm going to get you, torture, you'll start thinking about killing yourself. Torture, motherfucker. Lutan corn ain't nothing to fuck with. Yeah, that's, there has to be seriously, like, a state with that much agriculture has to have something that has eroded to, like, a 30-foot cliff on accident, right? It's a cow. From what I understand, all they have protecting them from the winds of, like, Winnipeg is barbed wire. So, I mean, it's all got to be pretty dang flat by now.

I mean the Pamela Anderson character? Yeah, she just stands there with, uh, what did she have? Was it a bazooka? Did you see those? I don't recall, but. Coach Bellini, did you see that goddamn lady? She's just a threat all the time. She in Nebraska football.

That's all that unites us. Pam Anderson scored as many touchdowns in the second half of, uh, the UCLA game as Nebraska did, so. Oh, Nebraska. Indian word for bumpy Kansas. but not hilly it's just it's kind of pimply the whole state just pimply thank god for acutane because it gave us it gave kansas that smooth skin that it enjoys

i uh i really seriously like the best part about this is that what we're going to do is that we're going to get bo pollini talking about how shitty the fans are like i'm sure that's the word he used i'm not looking at the transcript fucking shitty is probably what he said because he's bo polini by the way that's not funny. Have you seen Bo Polini in person? Not no.

No. Well, we're both alive, so no. Okay. I was in New Orleans for the 2007 championship game, and I was in Jackson Square talking to somebody, and this dude ran by, and my first thought was, I think that guy's in the special forces. Like, he just kind of looked like the guy's like, yeah, I'm going to go out for a quick, like, you know, 30-minute jog. How far are you going? you know, like five miles, like that kind of guy. And this dude just jogs by, and he looks jacked and really intense and going really fast. And it was Bo Polini. And people in Jackson Square in the morning consider that level of alertness, like, all whip their head around.

Like, whoa, don't fuck with that guy. That's Bo Polini. So what doesn't get across on the tape is how terrifying this must have been for the interviewer. and the true rage that must have just been glowing off of his head. Or maybe this was just a grade C, Pellini rant, and, like, that guy's totally hurt it all. Like, there's literally nothing that could frighten that man in any way at this point. This is Pellini after a game they won. That's true.

Like, what did he sound like after the Big Ten championship games? last year my god yeah think about it you know this is probably with bret beelma like texting him his balls on his phone you know that's that's probably what's happening it's like hey uh oh so i always do butt head when i start talking like oh polini like that hey hey oh look that my balls you know it's just like him putting his balls on just a nebraska huskers t-shirt in the locker room and he probably sent it like seven times so that it's not even funny well what if it's uh the the the reaction is sort of inversely proportional to the result of the game so you get a big win over ohio state and you have a fucking meltdown about it um but your team

gets splattered all over the field and uh you know then you're just a pleasant sweet guy maybe oh god i just had this side thought by the way what was it like when beelma got the arkansas job like because politi's obviously not real happy in necraska You know, and he's just stuck and it's cold and he can't get over that non-for-loss season hump, right? And then a guy who, I guarantee you, he thinks he's a better coach then, right? Because all coaches think that, right? Like if you ask Bo Pellini, hey, man, who's a better coach? You or Brett Biedelman?

He's like, fuck that guy. I'm so much better. And then he gets the Arkansas job. He had to just look out. And when that happened, he just had to look out of that corn. so what you're saying is this fort has turned the state of arkansas into like the one corn cob thrown to like a pack of starving rats and everyone's fighting over the state of arkansas like it's it's refuge and then beelum is just texting him as balls again he's like SEC job what what this is setting up is act three of this drama you're describing is going to be a very intense outback bowl in two years Why is he going for two

When they're winning by 40 It's half time Why is he going for two now? They're not even playing Oh my God He's kicking a field goal When they're up by 40 Why is Bo Polini

Bighting Breit Bilema in the balls? Just him sitting there screaming Over and over again Across the sidelines That's what the card said At Bilema All at noon noon o'clock in Tampa.

It'll be perfect. Beelam will be wearing long sleeves. It'll be 98 degrees. 74 degree day on January 2nd or whatever. Beelva will be wearing a mock turtle neck and bike shorts. He just won't let go of his hand at the postgame shake, just trying to squeeze it. Say it! Say it!

That's what the card said! That's right! But he just quit. Like, that would be for me. be the low satisfactory ending. There's a faux Politi gets that matchup, beats Arkansas by like 900 points in the Outback Bowl, punches Beelma at the halftime, and does the mic drop, just punches him, walks off, and just goes, SEC, walks out.

And then Arkansas fires Beelma for that, hires Polini. My question, after all of this, is why are fans surprised when their coach, it turns out their coach hates them? because do fans not realize that they are the field trip of seventh graders in this equation, bringing almost nothing positive and only problems? Yeah, I like the idea that the only people in the world who don't complain about, you know, their customers, so to speak, are college football head coaches who are just known to be totally reasonable about everything and have patience for so many things.

No, I think that's a perfectly valid criticism that I only came back. back from 21 down against Ohio State to beat them. I mean, that seems like that, yeah, I mean, the fans got to expect more than that. They got to expect more than nine wins at a school that's located nowhere. Might not even have a hometown. Yeah, with an aging fan base, like a really aging fan base, like a fan base that Ohio State would consider old. That kind of fan base. Yeah, nine wins.

Nine wins. Nine wins at a place that, that seriously, is like, what, they're the second largest state? So do federal corn subsidies, we have to take on 20 players with ties to the corn subsidy coalition every year. That's on me. I have to overcome that. And they're the same ones. That's sane to expect that at a place that fired Frank Solich for having nine wins. Well, Frank Solich didn't really cuss enough. I beg to differ. If you've heard him in an Athens, Ohio Mexican restaurant, that man can curse up a store. Nine wins.

Now, they fired him for that. Now, is that an authentic Mexican restaurant? Like, are they actually shipping stuff up from Mexico, like, you know, peppers and what have you? Because that stuff is going to be, like, weeks old by the time it gets there. The nearest airport is like five states away. You know, knowing Frank Solich, you know, it's probably, it's probably running on the ground. So it's probably in pretty rough shape. That guacamole, it's brown.

Well, you just got to stir it. You just got to put a little food color in it. It's a blue collar brown, though. There's a triple option with this guacamole. You can either eat it rotten, rotten with food coloring in it, or you can simply eat. the mayonnaise that we've mixed with what would you mix with mayonnaise to give it that guacamole

flair oh let us French onion dip French onion dip French French onion dip this is our John Boy's creation for this podcast we're going to call it Ohio guacamole and it's when you take

mayonnaise lettuce green food color no no no green I'm going to go with green plato and we'll just take that it's got to be the fresh plato though you can't get it with what about quickly

What about like Gerber spinach? Yeah, get some baby food because that comes in jars. Babies are fed in Ohio. I know that much. So you got a lot. Gosh, aren't they ever? You got a leg up on Mississippi, Ohio. Just put the K-Rose syrup right in the bottle.

It's all we have. Public health-wise, if you knew how true that was, everyone in this podcast would be crying. Everyone. But yeah, that's something that I think Nebraska's have. They've got a hold on reason and logic that most college fans, they've just let slip over the years. It's pretty obvious. Well, this is why they're just going to bring Osborne back, right? This is where we intro into our discussion of the spot uncle.

We've been talking about this, that football programs all need a spot uncle who can come in, maybe take the reins for a week or two, you know, just to simmer things down between the current, You know, it's like when, you know, things are a little hot with the misses. You just, you know, you bring in the spot husband. Go spend a week or two somewhere else. That's basically what this is, the custodian of every program. Maybe you have the Osborne Statue do a little coaching for a while. Wouldn't hurt on defense, would it? Huh?

No, sir. Did you see the way they played against UCLA? It just makes me fucking sick. Pardon my language. Yeah, see, like, Spencer seems to know a little. lot about the Nebraska accent, but no one else here is really familiar at all. I'm just making it up. I'm basically like... I think it's a little suspicious.

Anybody in the first hour of a Superman movie when he's in like Smallville, I'm just doing that accent. I think you have ties to Nebraska interests, sir. All right. You've uncovered me. I am a closet sleeper cell for the Houston nut for Nebraska. campaign. We were really close in 2004, and we were trying to make it happen again. In case you wonder, who leaked it, it was Houston Nut. That's who it was there. It was Houston Nut, a tiny one, like a tiny three-inch Houston Nut in a pocket. Tell me Houston Nut wouldn't make an excellent miniaturized person, by the way. If somebody had to spend the rest of their life being like three inches tall, being like,

hey, put me in your pocket. It'll be fun. Let's do it. Houston Nut would be a great candidate for that. This is a great live-action ratatouille you've just created. Except the dish we're making is scholarship violations. With a side of cotton bowl. Well, something gets flushed down the toilet in both movies. That's it. Like the critic lines up, takes a bite.

Oh, my God, it tastes like Troy University scholarship numbers. I haven't had a dish like this since Larry Blakeney was head chef here. That's an inside joke. Abundance freshman. That's a Larry Blakeney trapped in a fridge somewhere. What'd you do? You know, I wanted some Gus Malzahn, but not the whole Gus Malzahn. So I just cut an arm off and put it in the stew.

It was delicious. Both of us appreciated it. Gus Malzons over there like, it's a resume line. Yeah. Yeah, you forget sometimes. Gus Malzahn, coach for Houston Nutt, that happened. I mean, I should coached as in he was sort of there and like handcuffed. He was present.

Like literally handcuffed. They had like three or four games where Malzahn was clearly mostly in charge of the offense. I remember watching it and you're thinking, Dear God, what is this madness? This magnificent offense. And then like after like three or four games, they handcuffed him. And, like, in game seven, you're like, oh, that's happen ball right there. There had to be some point where the nuts and the Malzons went out to dinner together, right?

That probably happened. What must that have been like? What must that golden corral have felt like that evening? Well, you know, Christy Malzant's there, too. That's the really golden part. Right, yeah. That she's a portion of this. Like, you know, Houston, we're real, we're real active in our church.

And, like, Houston Nutt's like, that's great. And he's terrified because he doesn't actually know anything about church. Yeah, he's never heard that word before. No, no. Houston Nutt knows the word football, and he knows sign language. Those are pretty much his skill sets right there. And one of them is shakier than the other, and it's not the sign language. Yeah, it's just Christy being, you know, really excited in a southern blonde lady sort of way about normal person things.

And Houston Nuts trying to cheat. Just trying to cheat. Do you think he's the guy who gets like, he's like, would you like a drink? And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Can you give me a big glass? Can you give me some water? Some lemons. Yeah, you know, this is the sign that Ryan grew up.

Oh, God, I'm going to have to bleak that. This is the sign that Ryan, yeah, I can say Ryan. Just for the record, you've called me Ryan on every podcast. Yeah, that's been broken. Okay. As long as I don't do the last name, right? Right. Right.

Okay. This is how you know that you grew up in Tampa. Yeah. It's like the most Florida thing ever. No, no, no, I don't want to drink. But at this Olive Garden, I would like the free bread. And if you could get me a big glass, some lemons, and some splendor, because I'm watching my diet. Oh, no, no.

We're talking about Houston Nutt. Just bring him some maple syrup. That'll be 30 cents for a side, sir. Oh, dang it. Oh! Bring me some light syrup. That'll be 45 cents. Gaw!

Do you just have some of those free mints? Because I could just make it peppermint lemonade. No wonder these Italians took over the world. yeah that's uh by the way the the uh spot uncle for nebraska's obviously tom osborne right the spot uncle uh who when things get hard if we'd call for florida it's probably still steve brerger because you could just call him he's not doing much he might say he might send junior you know if we can get Skype you know he's probably capable of that right yeah sure distance learning he'd probably prefer that to actually uh attending practice Hey, you could do that from the boat. Hey, you got an iPhone? These things are amazing. Just look at it.

I think the stepdad or the spot uncle for Georgia is Ray Gough, but he's like the kind of spot uncle who takes you to buy cigarettes and go to the shooting range, right, when you're like eight? Yeah, I see that. It could be maybe like Governor Sonny Perdue. I don't think he's still the governor. I don't keep up with those things, but he's like, it's probably Travis Tritt. Let's be honest. Yeah, yeah. It's, it's got to be Travis Trit or maybe Damon Evans.

Maybe they just never took his name off the form. And they're going to go have to find him, and he's going to have to coach football team. Who's a golfer from Georgia? That would probably be a good call. I don't know any of those people. But if there were. Is it a, yeah, famous Georgia golfer. That guy.

Yeah. Zombie Bobby Jones. Probably Ray, Ray Golf. Ray Golf. You know the spot uncle for Old Miss is probably Houston Nut, right? Like, that's how bad Old Miss's history is. Like, who are they going to call? They call Cutcliffe and be like, hey, could you just come back here and help us?

Cutcliff and be like, suck my ass. You can kiss it. All four acres of them. Just kiss it. I don't care. For Tennessee, It would be Johnny Majors. And, you know, that spot uncle would come in and he'd leave something burning on the stove.

I'm going to say it's Cooper Manning. Just like, just give us some Hanning. Just show up. Just smile a little bit. That's it. Everything else to take care of itself. Will be Kentucky? Everybody will shut up.

Every now and then it's just like, hey, could you get Archie to text me? Archie just text. Hi. Oh, my God. Spot Uncle for, I think Spot Uncle for USC has always been John Robinson. Although it'd be great if Pete Carroll just made like an appearance. Like, Pete would probably do that. Like, he's that crazy.

Like working for the Seahawks. They're like, hey, Pete, could you just show up for like four hours Saturday and put on a headset? Okay. Yeah, the Spot Uncle for LSU is, of course, Nick Saban. Yeah. Who actually would just be a binder. The like complete binder of how to be Nick Saban that I'm convinced he left in his office, right? Like the detailed decision tree of how to handle everything that less Miles

consults when he needs to actually do something. I'm convinced he consults it. He's like, okay, that's great. Here, hold on. Opens it up. Page 73, what to have to lunch. Salad and turkey. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Okay, okay, great coach. We got it. And he tries really hard to do that, but he just ends up eating an ox. I don't know how it, I don't know how it happened. I'll tell you what, damn thing was delicious. So I think this leaves Gene Stalings at the Alabama Spot Uncle? Yeah. Bill Curry.

Bill Curry is the spot crazy cousin. You know what? Like after seeing Gene Stallings after the tornadoes show up with a grill, I'm convinced Gene Stallings, maybe everybody's spot uncle. Because I don't know if anything, like, that was a bad, it's a bad moment, right? Sad. It's a disaster. And then somebody tweets out a picture.

like, man, Gene Sully just drove up with his truck and a grill. Like, that was like, Gene Sondon was like, well, I need to go help. Guess I better get my grill. I laughed, but I cried because that's like the sweetest old man thing ever. Like, everything's gone wrong. I better mix hamburgers, which he's right. Something that's like, I want Gene Sahlings to be everybody's spot, uncle. Like, when things go wrong, I want to like, is that something cooking?

Open my door. in the front yard. Hello. Heard you needed some help. I brought my grill. What an awesome spot uncle he would be. Mississippi State has only been coached by spot uncles. They've never had a dad. Oh, God. Yeah, who's the abusive spot uncle? That's what I want to know. Who's the spot uncle where they're like, he's not supposed to be within 100 feet of church. Is that Jackie Cheryl? that's Butch Davis

Is that Butch? That's so bad that like Miami's You know Miami's spot uncle probably is Butch Davis It's not right, right Oh, that's a bad situation He's like, hey, don't tell your mom I'm here, all right? It's Christmas, what are you doing? Uncle Butch?

I said, I just need to sleep in the garage, don't say nothing I'll give you some weed I'm seven He's the line from fight club the fucker setting up franchises that's that's that's bouch davis like he's got he's got a sax piece does he he have a saxby no actually that's right golf red golf has like reigoff actually made a lot of money with saxpies is that the best that like he failed at football and he's like i'm going to something where i can prosper chicken he's that's like the master pee move he's like georgia's master pee he's like

George's masterpiece. He probably did the same masterpiece thing. I'll beat Shaq on his back court. No, you didn't, Ray Goff. Shack was incapacitated with Zach's sauce. He was. I ate too many salads. Raygoff's like dunking on him on like a three-foot goal as he's like lying there

incapacitated with gluttony on the floor. Sodium overload. How much sodium, it would take the, take down shack, probably like three Zaxby's French fries. You'd have to eat a salt lick. You'd have to eat like one Zaxby's meal in its entirety. For those who don't

know Zaxby's, it's like a mix between Hardee's and Kenny Rogers Roasters. Is that a good? It's been compared to Raisin Cains for our folks on the western side of the world, the world being the South. I don't know what you people outside eat, but it's just the most over-sulted the chicken you can imagine is my take on it.

So in other words, huge with deer and obese Southerners. It strikes me as the kind of restaurant that a frat guy just out of college was like, man, we can totally beat Chick-fil-A at this game. Let's do it, bros. We got a Z and an X. Do you know how extreme that is? Scrabble points. Everything will have a Z in it.

Everything. our employees will sue for sexual arrasment. Oh, that's like the longest discussion anyone's ever had about Zaxby's. Including, like, the CEO of Zaxby's. He's probably never thought. He was probably like, just call it Zaxby's. I'm going to hit 18. All right.

Before we end the Zaxby's discussion, I want to call Dibbs on Zaxis of Evil. Whatever. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but something. That's like, yeah, when Zaxby's and Huddell House, a line to take over the knockoff Georgia Foods market? Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and see the idea of Ryan. That territory is yours. We may populate all worlds except that one. We'll stay away from it.

Great controlling alien. That is your playground. Yeah, it's your Europa, man. You play with it. Zaxis of Evil, we don't have running water. I think the spot uncle for, this is my favorite one, and it is an obscure one. But remember who the all-time, like, losing his coach at Vanderbilt was? It was Watson Brown, Mack Brown's brother.

Yeah, Watson Brown, that's how bad Van Dy is. Watson Brown is their spot uncle. You know who's currently the spot uncle for Notre Dame? Is it Tyrone Willingham? Is it Bob Davy? It's Bob Davy. Yeah, got to be Bob Davy. He was kind of leering at them from above for several years there.

Hey, listen, you know, Bob's in a little trouble out in New Mexico right now. He thought he could just coach football. But then he got in a little over his head. He's only going to be there for a year. It's a crazy story. Actually, that was Mike Loxley. Because Mike Loxley really only was in New Mexico for a year in Albuquerque, remember? But he made a count.

Yeah, and then he had to get a new identity in Maryland. And a fiery exit. The spot uncle for Oregon football is Mike Bellotti. Actually, I think the spot uncle's Rich Brooks, man. Rich Brooks. Yeah, he's just out there with a fishing pole, just living the swank-ass Rich Brooks life. Yeah, Rich Brooks is the spot uncle you call in when your other spot uncle fucked up. Yeah.

You know? He pulls up in the Lincoln, pulls out a lot of money. Do you need like, do you need like, you know, 200 bucks? We can go, we could go make like three times that at a casino. And like, unlike every other spot uncle, he means it. Like he'll go there and be like, God, my uncle can't lose it, Blackjack. I think Rich Brooks, there's a, he's going to check the calendar first. He's checking the weather, checking the farmer's almanac to see what the crops and the golf and the, all that stuff looks like.

Like Kentucky, somehow, somehow he's their spot uncle. well um well you know Kentucky deserves something good right so really he has it set up if the weather sucks he just stays in and goes to the casino so he's a migratory bird

he just travels from Kentucky to Oregon throughout the year he's a snowbird oh I have one more spot uncle like one more definite spot uncle that's kind of terrifying I'm going to be mad if you steal mine but go ahead I really doubt I'm going to steal yours seriously

the spot uncle for Auburn football it's Terry Bowden I mean he's not real helpful he's got this weird new family The spot uncle for Virginia who you're secretly like he might be my dad I'll grow When you're like man I sound really boring

when you're like, man, I sound really boring when I talk. Right. Did you see how bland I looked in the mirror? Look at this angle. Oh, God. Now, the guy with the best spot uncle gig in the world is probably June Jones. He can just take a trip out to Hawaii at a moment's notice. That's true.

Although, keep in mind, he's not going to stay for long because they tried to kill him. And then we... Go ahead, sir. Well, we have the actual spot uncle Chris Alt. Yeah. done it. He's got experience. That's like Bill Snyder. If things go wrong with Bill Snyder, he calls Bill Snyder. I think it's entirely possible in 40 years if things are bad at Nevada. They're like, all right, I think we can revivify Chris Alt.

Would that be the most like old flinty westerner thing ever? That they're like, yeah, go get Chris Alt. And they just point to this mine shaft. He can only play at night because direct sunlight will make his skin fall off. He'll shatter. He's been a coached from the booth during day games. But he just has like a, he has some guys wearing some kind of animal skin. If he's not talking about football, he's talking about how much the government's in his business. They say, I can't take lead out of the water. Like, why did Bronco Mendonol have to go shake hands with the sarcophagus?

He's just prone to slapping antiquated firearms on the table to make a point. He's basically, like, I'm just writing him as Gus Chiggins. That's it. Just the old prospector. That's Chris Alt. That and Chris Peterson, this is my favorite one too, Boise State. Boise State has its choice of spot uncles. Dan Hawkins.

Dan Hawkins is their spot uncle. Oh, man. I want you to imagine how hard Dan Hawkins would try if he got another college football head coaching gig. Like, and I don't say that as a good thing. Like, he would try way too hard. It'd be It hurt your heart

It would show up Get like, I don't know Let's just say the Memphis job And he'd say He'd say Put Stanford on the schedule We're beating those assholes Yeah

I mean it would Yeah You'd be like God man you know Optimism is a great thing And in abundance It's kind of tragic No I can fly

I'll pay you I'll pay you to coach here. You ain't have to pay me. How about this? You pay me a million dollars per a win. I'm going to break your bank. Yeah. It would just be like Greg Kinnear, you know, in Little Miss Sunshine.

Hold on, everybody. I've got this seminar. You'll just sit down and listen. Yeah. Hey, there's like nothing happening this week. Nope. Yeah. Nothing.

Like seriously. Dan Hawkins is more interesting than every game from 4 o'clock forward next week. Absolutely. I mean, from noon o'clock forward? Listen, that Utah State USC game is going to be fun. Wait, is that a nooner? That's a 3.30. I keep trying to find, I guarantee you, there are a couple of absolute,

there are a couple that are strictly from morbid curiosity. I believe you were talking about Tulane at Syracuse. Hey, one game win streak. Winner keeps the domes. All of them. Please take them. If you actually had the deed to the Superdome, how screwed would you be? I'm like, oh, God.

What do I do with it? I'm pretty sure Vanderbilt at Massachusetts only... That looks like something Vanderbilt fans are only going to go to for shopping purposes. That's clearly a recruiting game. where the games you schedule in a talent-rich state? Sure, sure. Vanderbilt hockey. James Franklin just wants some really crabby sports fans.

That's all they have in Massachusetts, just people to bitch about sports. Okay, well, let's rewind. I'm going to uncover a few gems on the schedule. There are a few, okay? And you do have to extract them from copper lights, aka dinosaur poop. It's an extensive process. It's very expensive, and it yields you these tiny little, fractured rubies but you know they saw

like dinosaurs why were dinosaurs eating jewels because they were ballers I'm sorry continue that's why they died because they make my dokey twinkle exactly exactly Clemson NC State this will be a really entertaining

football game because it's great to see something blown up it's really awesome also the fat guy from last year might be there. He might be on a poll, and he might be shortless. The Husky Harbinger of Doom. I'm going to go ahead and point out Auburn LSU. The Gus Bus is going to just slam right into the side of a huge, huge building, but it's going to be going full speed when it does it.

It'll make a fascinating noise, as always. I will go ahead and also point out, on Friday, do not sleep on Boise State, Fresno State. Do not. A blinding shootout with weapons of questionable accuracy in all directions. I really, really, really like this game. You should know that Run the Jewels is playing in Atlanta that night, and I'm recommending you stay home and watch Boise Fresno instead. That says something, sir.

I would also point out if you want to see the unholyest of unholy ass whippings if you want to see a cow blown up with a rocket launcher nay if you want to see death race 3,000 I suggest you go ahead and you watch at 12 p.m. Saturday Louisville take on Florida International. So you're saying that's going to be the explosive game and not Ohio State hosting famu? That's how bad FIU is at this point? I only give the edge of to FIU for this. They are coached by Ron Turner. And they lost to, and they lost to Bethune Cookman by like 3413 this week.

You know, we're often very negative when we do this, but I'd like to point out that we do live in a world where Ron Turner can only coach one team. And that is a damn shame. I mean, come on, because if this is what he's doing full-time, we can split in between two teams. He can do three-hour shifts. With no discernible loss in effect, because 50% of nothing is nothing. Oh, and speaking of FIU, which please, let's spend as much time as possible on FIU, that bio that y'all dug up on the FIUOC, who happens to be Ron Turner's son,

the coaching bio on their website, that's basically just glowing quotes from other coaches and no actual work experience whatsoever. This guy's in charge of an FBS offense, and it's not clear. Like, it's a broke down film for the bills in 2008. Chartered timeouts. Jason, they got all these positions where they say they want three years' experience, but how am I supposed to get in three years if every position wants experience? That's true.

So there are certain schools that they function as sort of an internship program. If you come to work for an exciting, you'll find a job elsewhere. but FIU, it's like a call center. Yeah, after a week, they just like, man, he's been here a week. That's a long time. Boy, he might kill us. We should put him, we should promote him. He knows too many things.

He knows too many things. We should put him up here. Another couple of uncovered gems here, by the way. The next insult, God, this week sucks so bad. I'm just going to run through a few of these because they hurt. Arkansas at Rutgers, the immortal struggle continues. Arkansas versus Rutgers. You're going to see Utah State at USC.

Chuckie Keaton. Chuck and don't fuck somebody up. I'm telling you, they might lose, but they're going to bleed. Kansas State at Texas? Ooh. Yeah. I mean... You can watch...

There's a good chance you can watch an old man cry himself to death. I thought you're going to say, an old man, murder another old man. Well, if you're, again, I grew up in Tampa, so that's not something I'm not used to. Yeah, damn, when you pitch it like that, you know, that's the game of the week. If you're like, old man versus old man, they're literally going to murder each other. If those two got in a fight, what percentage of your life savings would you bet on Bill Snyder? Like a fight of any nature.

Sword fight, fist fight, if they're driving trucks at each other. All of it. All of it. You don't understand. Once Mac Brown throws his hair at you, you're blinded. To pay attack. Actually, remember, he just, Mac Brown just takes his defensive coordinator with him. He doesn't have to be faster than Bill Snyder.

He just has to be faster than the defensive coordinator. So he just lights the defense. defensive coordinator on fire. Greg Robinson's like, rolls him down a hill in Hill, he'll Snyder. Hey, Mac, a little hot in here, huh? Yeah.

Like, I bet many Diaz would be like, oh, please don't set me on fire. This is awful. Greg Robinson's like, whoa, crazy. I don't know, motivational tactic. Get the kids in here. I'm into it. I'm into this.

Yeah, let's do it. Oh, yeah. Later on, he'd deny it. No, no, there's no man on fire in here as he's burning. I would never, I never allowed myself to be set on fire to stir people. up. That never happened. We also have Louisiana Monroe Baylor, which you're kind of flipping on.

I'm not. No, you're not. Yeah, which again, that was an exciting thrill ride last year. This is in Baylor, so they're probably beat them by 40 points. Nothing personal. It's just what Baylor does. I predict, well, what do we think is going to happen at Troy, Mississippi State? No, no, we're not thinking about that. Come on.

trying really hard not to think about that. Come on, guys. Mississippi is going to win by 10 after scoring 21 unanswered points in the fourth quarter, and Dan Mullen is going to pretend like everything's fine. Yeah. Jack Prescott, by the way, didn't. I mean, he didn't play a bad game

against Auburn. He really didn't, if you watched it. But it wasn't that great. Yeah, I think Dan Mullen's going to go ahead and claim a state championship because he doesn't know which state choice in. we run this municipality this aggregate it'll be like centagambia we just merge

Alabama and Mississippi into Alisipi see if it works better that way just give it two or three years and then decide if you know ah it's not working yeah combine the two states and they can like pool resource uh down we actually have at night

there are a few games Michigan at the Little House. At the Ligandvary. This was by the way. Now, the Little House get pretty good reviews as a stadium. It really does. This is still a lesson on why you should read everything you sign very carefully. I believe RG3 said Yukon Stadium was allowed to see every played at.

Didn't that happen? Said that Rensler Stadium was the basis for Baylor's new stadium, actually, in terms of being a small stadium that packed a lot of sound in. So they really wanted to borrow some of those features. I hope one of them isn't the football team because Yukon's unbearable. Absolutely. If you want a really fun Google image result, by the way, search young Paul Pasquolone. It's just all pictures of old Paul Pasquilone.

What was born? And like the third image is that one of him just staring dead at the camera, like, all of the images. All of the images. You've got Arizona State at Stanford, which I hope Stanford beats the televangelist's headset off of Todd Graham, but mainly because Todd Graham totally did the heel move, and they were like, hey, you know, I was too bad about Wisconsin and the officiating there, but, you know, the better team won. Sorry.

Yeah, and Stanford exacting revenge there would be really striking a blow for, like teams with a lot of fat guys. So there's a kinship there. Arizona State Stanford is going to be like that first time you played Mike Tyson's punch out and you got past Glassjaw, Joe, and you were like, oh, this game's totally easy. And then you got your ass creamed by the next fighter. That's what Arizona State is. Yeah, Stanford's a little bald bullish.

Here he goes. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Every time. And then after that, there's a, boy, it's a, boy, it's a. It's a night for the dregs of the old whack, the Mountain West, and every other team that you end up watching at 10.15 p.m. It's pretty bad. If I had, by the way, the connoisseurs pick for the evening,

the Holy War is this night. Yes. And if you'll remember, this was the night last year when the must chart the field three times. I believe Utah is this is in Provo. So they'll probably be a little more organized than that. but a surprisingly hateful game every single year and you're out. So I would go ahead and pay some attention to that. 10.15 is the kick, and you can't stay up late for it, Mormons, because you don't drink coffee.

The alternative there is New Mexico State of UCLA, so I think you could consider our ticket to Provo booked. Yeah, that and that and remember, I can't even say this with a straight face. It's the battle of UTSA versus Utep. which you know you can watch i really recommend watching like 15 minutes of a utep game any weekend just to be like dear god is that how they live