Shutdown Fullcast - ShutdownFullcast4

Episode Date: September 25, 2013

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So, let's forget about this past weekend and talk about Grand Theft Auto, which I really wanted to be playing instead of watching everything that happened on Saturday. Yeah, yeah, let's do that. I think sort of the thing to do with Grand Theft Auto, just to tie it back to college football, just because we're obligated to do that, even though college football was not kind to us over the past few days, we still hold a certain level of affection for it, is to do the thing where we relate it to college football coaches, which that's how we approach pretty much everything we ever talk about.

So I think we look at the three main characters in the game, which is a very cool feature, coolest thing the game has going, is you switch between three guys as if you have three different perspectives, three totally different characters. You have an older guy who's kind of dull, kind of boring. It's not really clear exactly what he's good at, but he always pulls in these big heists every now and then he'll just take down somebody way over his weight. By the way, he likes button downs with big collars, almost kind of Tommy Bahama-ish.

He's had some credit problems, and his wife's gotten in some trouble. Yeah, yeah, and, you know, he's got... this weird marital situation going on where it's not clear whether they live in the same state or not. He's a slick talker. He's a great recruiter. He'll let you know. He's brought on some talent.

He's got this young man named Franklin. He brought on his big shoulders. Kind of looks like Ray Lewis. Who was it that recruited Ray Lewis, was it? Oh, that'd be Tommy Tuberville. Tommy Tuberville. So basically, the main characters, when you start the game, this guy, Michael, he's basically Tommy Tuberville.

moves around the country a lot, faked his own death at one point, not in a pine box, like Tommy Tuberville, but did fake his own death in order to relocate, employed a crazy, wild-haired madman who wasn't Tony Franklin. The guy's name is Trevor, but that guy makes an appearance back. I just, I don't see any way that Michael is anybody with Tommy Tupperville. Up and down every box on the checklist, Tommy Tupperville hits it. does he have any kind of like I haven't played the game so I'm not even going to pretend to have the level of expertise you two fine fathers do but I feel like there is something of like a Mark Dantonio vibe to him as well in sort of the he's he's sort of wearily going about his business like I don't know that's maybe just what I've gotten from the the video they've shown the gameplay videos they've shown on TV but there is that. sort of business-like quality, but also joylessness for everything around him. Well, I will say this, and by the way, Jason and I have to explain this to Mr. Tubb and Matt

Ufford. Hello, sir. Oh, yeah, that guy's here. Interloping, coming over from the world of the NFL, this alone with us. It is. It is. No, I, uh, between, between college football and GTA-5, I'm just, uh, I, I am lost in these metaphors, but I'm doing my best to keep my head above water.

So maybe I'm just listening respectfully. I'm going to object to Mr. Tubbs thing. I think Mark Dantoneo, at least Michael has the ability to show some flare in his heist occasionally, and you don't see any flare in a Michigan State game. Well, there's always the little Giants thing. That's quite a key. That's true. And by the way, you know, having a heart attack after a game, it's also a very Michael thing.

grimly, Michael. We're not even joking about that. That really happened. That's a very, that's a very good nominee. I, perhaps he's second on the Michael depth chart. And I also considered Mark Ricked, but not quite deadly. By the way, we can also play this game just to expand the franchise a little bit. You know, to our NFL people who might accidentally, with their ears, stumble down this particular staircase drunkenly and listening to this podcast, who would you say the NFL equivalent of a Michael? your operator, your sort of world-weary and perpetually sort of behind the eight-ball overtaxed family man, okay, who's already sort of faked his own death once. Who's the NFL equivalent of that? Oh, gosh, you're putting me on the spot and making me a hit on my feet. I have a vote. Okay. I'd like to throw Tom Coughlin out there.

That's the first one that comes to mind for me. Look at that man's face. He's seen death. one of his employees is married to his daughter. Like, that seems like a very Michael thing. Yeah. I'm going to go a step further. He's older than you think, and he's kind of got the right demeanor, and that he doesn't

care anymore, which is the song that plays when Michael is having his grand character introduction. But he also just can't quit. He can't just walk away. I'm going to bridge the two worlds. I'm going to say Jim Mora. Oh, God. Jim Mora from both the Falcons to the Sea Hall.

and has died several times, actually, and is now at UCLA, having sort of spanned all worlds. I'm going to go ahead and nominate him for that. A man who has long pine for the West Coast and finally arrived there after some misfortune. Jim Mara also has kind of a video game-looking face. Can I say that? Yeah, he's kind of an uncanny valley kind of person. Okay, like it's not fully rendered, and you're like, it looks good, and the mouth matches all the words he's same, but it's not really 100%. Yeah. Now, I'm going to move on and suggest this, that in GTO5 you have the second

character, which, by the way, man, it would be so great if you could do a football game and switch perspectives with specific coaches, because we can't license specific players. But if you had three perspectives on a game, and you could look at it from announcer, camera pulls out, right? And you see everything that Gary Danielson seeing. So you see a spread offense, and you just want to switch it all around to look like one horrible 1975 college football press why to lament what you're looking at so then so then you hit like

switch perspective camera pulls back right and you go down to like player and you see what a college football player actually sees which is no goddamn clue what they're looking at just chaos unicorns on the field right like blurs pretty much

you could put it in like John Brantley vision it's the drug scenes it's the aliens and clown scenes no no it's not the drug scene yet because I haven't gotten to step three. You ready for step three? Okay. Step three is Houston Nut Cam. Oh, there's the clown cam.

Yeah. Is that where you zoom into the body and for some reason you're choking the strength and conditioning coach and you don't even know why? Screaming, I love you. You toggle again and Dana Holerson is sneaking out of the apartment of a single mother of two. Daddy. Oh, no, I answer your dad. I think that's just his mission. That's not even every mission for him.

Every mission he gets 96%. Now, there is. Speaking of Holgo, there are the other two main characters. There's Franklin, who's this young dude who's super naive and super loyal and the most, you know, seems like the most talented guy there. It's just not clear why he's going along with these psychopaths. I think he'd be your defensive coordinator. I'm not sure exactly who you'd put in that role

because he's just not a well-defined character. That screams Al Golden to me. Al Golden, who... Na-Eve, he did take the Miami job. That's true. He started, and he came from the hood. And he stuck around with the Miami job when any reasonable person would have cut bait. Yeah, although I will always say this, by the way.

Al Golden takes a month off. He's the only college football coach I know that takes an entire month off. So he probably went to Miami, and he was like, yeah, you know that month off? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm never letting that go. Al Golden also has 74 orange ties that he bought when he got the Miami job. And his wife is like, well, you said you were going to use them all. So we're not leaving until you do.

If Jim Mora has a video game face, Al Golden definitely has a video game wardrobe. Because, like, you buy these characters, you know, you got to go buy them a suit for a mission. And then they never wear it again. You spent $6,000 on a suit, and it disappears, and you don't know where you put it. And Al Golden. Yeah, like the waist is a foot too low, and the walk doesn't look right. And there's paunch in weird air. Yeah, Al Golden is definitely a video game body.

And that air is just one polygon. Also, you know, one central facet of GTA is the, the computer. continual hustling, right? Which I've always posited that Al Golden doesn't sleep and that he, in fact, runs a rental car business, but only the night shift out at the Miami airport. And it's totally legit. Oh, it's legit. No, he tries really hard.

Like, and he's got little management plans for, like, you know, all of the guys who work for him who are going to quit in three months. You know, like Al's really trying to make it work both at the University of Miami and at the dollar rental car. So GTA characters never sleep, right? You don't have to. You could continually, like he could just hit the map, bling, set waypoint for Miami rental car airport,

go make 500 bucks, and then come right back to the other hustle of the job. So that's a really good nomination. There is another character we need to take care of before we really labor this over, and that's Trevor. Let's explain Jason Trevor for, Matt, you're kind of a voyeur when it comes to this, right? You've been reading and seeing stuff. Very much so. As a child who grew up without gaming consoles, but who always went over to the houses

of friends who did have them, I never really had the time to dedicate developing my hand-eye coordination for gaming, but I watched a lot of friends play video games, and yes, I know how sad that sounds, but what that's... No, you know what, I think that's a really common thing, not just among, like, typically you hear like the girlfriend and or wife. who says, oh, I really liked watching that game, right? Mm-hmm. But that's actually a really common thing among dudes, too.

There's typically one guy or two guys in a group who just enjoy watching games. I really do. I would watch a friend in college play StarCraft, and I know that sounds freaking weird, but, like, it's just one thing. Like, I've enjoyed video games. I just didn't really develop the skill set for them. And so I, like, love watching GTA, especially GTA 5, because it's beautiful. I have one follow-up question.

Did the college friend know you were watching him? No, no. That's, on the fifth night, you saw me, and it was good. And by college friend, it's not actually a guy you know, and they weren't actually playing a video game. It wasn't actually a guy. Matt wasn't even enrolled at the time. In this day, StarCraft is a metaphor for the Tridelt house.

And, uh, under a man. Man, Northwestern's such a weird place. I'm talking about a Zerg Rush. Isn't that the same? Oh, man. So, so. We hit Zerg Rush, like, 12 minutes into this podcast. Yeah, I, I'm going to be honest.

I'm not even saying this to sound like a non-nerd. I don't know what a Zerg Rush is, so I just know it's a term from that game. I do, and let's not explain it because if I do, I'll have to post that picture of me with a mullet. It's in Jimbo Fisher's playbook. I know that. Zerg Rush is pretty, actually Gurg Rush is Greg Robinson. And it's actually just, it's theoretically possible, but you have to make more players with the resources you have, more than 11 on the field at the same time, which is why he's terrible at his job. Well, the thing about the Gurg rush is all 11 players play Zone.

They hang back and Gurg storms the quarterback himself. God, that'd be so awesome that there were like a real... And there he goes. 500 agro-Korean teens rushing at the quarterback. That'd be fantastic. This is a rabbit hole I did not see coming. Oh, oh, you just wait. So we're going to explain Trevor, because Trevor is the id.

He's the character who kind of is unkempt, is no filter on what he says. In the game, he's the one who, if you go to meet him, he might meet you in a helicopter and jump out of it rather than landing it in order to meet you. he's this he's pretty much the sort of impulsive instinct in the game and you really don't want to play anybody but him but it either goes really well if he's on board with a mission or it goes really poorly yeah he uh he's like this mountain desert dude he's kind of like less a character and more watching someone play like watching someone play grand theft auto he's like a character who is basically a grand theft auto player like all he wants to do is just kill people and blow stuff up. There's one mission where he just, like, he walks up to two people talking about in criminal code, we've got to do this thing. And he's very excited.

I love things. Let's do the thing. Are we going to kill people? We're going to shoot people? This guy just likes action and horrible decisions. He's the only character in the game who asks for Angel Dust, which is why we figure he's Dana Holgerson. It's kind of, it feels too obvious, but I mean, the only other options would be Mike

Leach, who is way too laid back, Edor Geron, who is maybe too dangerous. It might be too dangerous to be Trevor. But, I mean, Holgo is the only option. I mean, he's even got the skullet. Yeah, there's a passing physical resemblance. Yeah, a little punch, a little skullet. I'm going to go back to Franklin for a second, by the way. The NFL equivalent of Franklin, and yes, partly because he's black, but also because

of the position he occupies, is Mike Tomlin. Yeah, that sounds right. Because, you know, like the Roonies are like, yeah, I can teach you some things. We'll bring you along. And all of a sudden they're like, we're going to give you like a 260, 270 pound quasi-development link, handicapped, brilliant, possibly sexual assaulting, molesty, grabby quarterback as your star player. Good luck. Mike Conlin's going to stumble upon Ben Roethers' birth certificate pretty soon, be like,

Oh, my God, he's 47. This is like the hood all over again, I'm quoting Franklin. But, yeah, to go to Trevor, the NFL equivalent of Trevor in terms of Madman, in terms of... Jim Harbaugh. Man, he's so... It's somewhere in the NFC West, because it's got to be Harbaugh or it's got to be Pete Carroll. Yeah, Pete Carroll's too friendly. Yeah, Pete Carroll's got a little...

Trevor's friendly. Petero is a cheerful psychopath. Like, he really, it's one of those things where, yes, he's always clapping, he's always cheering on his players, but he is cheering on a death machine. He is laughing while kicking a hobo's ribs in. And, like, that's a little Trevor-esque, whereas, like, I think Jim Harbaugh more outwardly seems the violent, dangerous person. But don't underestimate Pete Carroll as the psychopath. Okay, you're making a good case.

And I'd also point out that Carol's sense of humor is kind of Trevor-esque because after one practice at USC, he played a joke that involved a player attempting suicide. They threw a dummy off the top of a building while Carol was pointing out and saying, no, don't jump. That happened. Is there anything more than, like, more Pete Carroll than that mission where Trevor stumbles into the hood and he's with Franklin and Lamar, okay? Like, he's the only white guy for miles around and he looks at them and goes, the thing? Yeah, let's do the thing.

Pete Carroll's really done that. Yeah, it's true. Remember that Pete Carroll would just like roll around in a van with like, you know, youth leaders in South Central being like, hey, Pete Carroll, here's my phone number. Now, I think the deal breaker there, though, would be the what's your deal moment. I don't think, I don't think Trevor says, what's your deal. Trevor is the guy you say, what's your deal, too. That has more to do with security. Yeah, that is more to do a security policy.

Although, if we're talking about, like, Trevor seems like he could be a 9-11 truther. Oh, man. Bring it the thunder here, Matt. Oh, he's a 9-11 truth. He's a 9-11 truther, because Trevor might have done it. Okay. I want to throw out a wild card here.

I assume GTA 5, like all the other GTA games, has that one guy who's always, no matter what time of day or weather or where you are in the game, that one guy who's just standing on the corner by himself, like, eating a hot dog, doing nothing. That's Marvin Lewis. Now, a serious question, is he still in the NFL with the Bengals? Oh, man, is he ever in the NFL? Okay. I just hadn't heard anything about him in like a decade. You know what he is? He's like, have you ever had like a particularly bulky couch? It's just like, I should probably get rid of this, but it's going to be a bitch to move. It won't get through the door.

Right. I don't know how it got in. We did something. We found the right angle, but now it won't work going back the other way because the stairs turn. And it's all tiger print. Yep. Boy, that's, by the way, Marvin Lewis, probably going to go 7 and 9 or 9 and 7 this year. I'm just going to throw that out. True fact, Marvin Lewis tells his players, like, one of his mantras is just keep playing. And the thing that's happened is that, like, the Bengals actually have assembled a team of excellent players. So, like, that advice is finally working.

It's just like, oh, well, sure. You say so, coach. Just supposed to Mike Ditka's innovative quit now. The Cincinnati Bengals don't not football. Be sure to continue doing the thing that is your job. Because what are you going to do? Go outside in Cincinnati. Especially if you're black.

Oh, did we just harken to Cincinnati's tortured racial history? We did. Oh, Ohio. You're just Kentucky with a collar. Let's go ahead, and I think that's what Jason and I have tortured people long enough with the GTA-A-5, but, you know, really, it's, that's not, we just started. We're just going to continue doing that because we're married, and when you're married and have kids, you give up on sleep. Yeah. Look forward to that.

You also clearly need escapes from real life. You know, you need some white noise. You need some static. And know that that static is made all the sweeter when it happens to be you piling a helicopter into a tanker full of gasoline. Now, the challenge with this game is, like, with any other game, when the kids around, you can, you know,

you can sort of do things that are non-missions and make them acceptable, like even like a far cry where you're like the game's about LSD pirates chopping each other's heads off. You can just go take pictures of pictures of pigs in FARCriars. You can. You can go sit on a jet ski.

But in Grand Theft Doughty, you can't do that. If you go sit on a jet ski, your guy's going to start cussing at himself, and the radio's going to cuss at you, and, like, a hooker is going to shoot you. Like, there's nothing you can do to make a kid-friendly. So you really have to manage your schedule well. By the, yeah, which is very dad-like. Like, seriously, dad skills in GTA, you're way up there. This is a great segue, by the way, because LSU just have a big game this week.

And they had experience with another, they had experience with Grand Theft Auto themselves because Auburn football fan Zachary Burgess of Hoover, which I will translate for you, Hoover is that cushy-ass suburb with a really nice high school stadium in, insert city here. Okay? That's where Hoover is. Hoover's got a big mall. That's all you really need to know about Hoover. It's Cobb County for Atlanta.

What would it be for New York, Ryan? Well, we don't have a lot of tactical things. firearms stores? Listen, where do the cushy upper middle class, but not quite haughty, like, not quite haughty, like, like people live? Where is the nice target? Not Manhattan, not Manhattan. That's probably me and Mr. Tubbs neighborhood, Park Slope.

Shit. Park Slope is the Hoover, Alabama of New York. Is that the hipstery, the hipstery part? No, I mean, not the super hipster. No, it's really hard. You know what? I'm going to have to change that answer because Park Slope has too much of a personality, not necessarily a good personality, but I think you're looking for something a little bit more bland.

You're looking for either the Westchester, which is the first nice suburb north of the Bronx. Or I'd even say like one of the nicer first towns in New Jersey, or you can take the rail into New York City. I'm going to throw a Long Island City in there. Okay, that's good, too. I mean, it could be Massapequa, for all I know. And I've lived my whole life waiting to make this analog. Can you orient me to that place via Hoover, Alabama?

Can you explain? What's the Hoover, Alabama, Romania? What kind of Hoover you got? But the Auburn fan, Zachary Burgess, he, after a tough loss on the road, young Auburn team, 3521. They fought hard. Wasn't a bad game. Probably actually one of the better ones. in the SEC, certainly, on the weekend,

he decided that he wanted to try Grand Theft Auto in real life, and that's a quote, because that's what he told the cops, because he's an idiot. He allegedly stole a car, kidnapped a woman, and rammed nine cars prior to his team's tilt with LSU. So before the game started, this otherwise nice man, who I will say in the picture, he has beautiful hair. I'd like to point out that he's probably not an otherwise nice man,

because you left out a very important detail. Oh, go ahead. He's a lacrosse player. And an Auburn fan. So Jesus is watching out for him and for his pros. Just blessed. Y'all have a blessed day. In case you didn't know, Matt,

Auburn is the most Jesus-fied of all teams because they have their own Jesus. The worst person I met in the Marine Corps, my bunkmate at OCS, was from Auburn. I will hate Auburn until the day I died because of him. You're just like the biggest fucking asshole I've ever met. Now, did he talk about Jesus stuff and really, really personal conspiracies? Like, was everyone out to get him?

No, but I wish they had been. Then he's not really an Auburn fan. I also didn't exactly engage in any conversation with him. And today they call him Gus Malz-on. that would be awesome if we just found out last week like do you know gus miles on with like an officer in iraq it was so insane he was coaching arkansas at the same time that's a hell of a commute um he'd go to springdale to bagdad and back um you know he does everything fast but yes this actually happened and uh the female passenger said he uh she was held against her will as burgess punched the gas and slammed into multiple cars while trying to flee the parking lot here's a great to have at the age of 20, okay? First of all, the AL dot, the AJC article, okay, which mentions this specifically.

Burgess, who can't drive as well as Franklin? Wow. So it compares him to a character in the game who does happen to drive pretty well. Abandon the vehicle nearby, and this is the really horrifying part of the story for me. He's in Baton Rouge, and it said he was held. by a, quote, group of witnesses, unquote, until police arrived. Man, they weren't going to have a witch trial. They'd be like, oh, you're going to die or you're going to float.

What are the other? Somebody grabbed a Napoleonic code. Somebody runs up with like a copy of the Duck Dynasty book. Here it is. There's... Not that I condone any of the violence, the kidnapping, the crash mother goes, but there is something kind of inspiring about this like this is the way that I want to live this is what I want to do with my life and uh you know it reminds me of Spencer your digital biking it is spicy living he went for it

I just want to know how much time you have on the clock between a group of witnesses in the state of Louisiana subduing you and you ending up in a tree or in a pot of gumbo well no no no you gotta get up in the tree first, Jack, because you got to drain. We got to put a pot under you, then we drain you. Because you got to be clean when you go on the cleaning table, and then we call Metery, and we get my cousin, you come over. And then, you know, we get your nice and clean, and then you go into pot, you know, a little bit of burl in there for, you know, 45, maybe 2 hours, it depends on your

Constitution. So that happened, leading. us to a discussion of I believe Ryan wanted to discuss this this would be the Dr. Bo.

Dr. Bo! So yeah, Old Miss headed to Alabama this Saturday evening. Dr. Bo Wallace, fearless man, has already come out

and said that Old Miss's wide receivers who I think are a collective 27 years old combined are better than Texas A&M's

receivers, which just lit up this Alabama team two weeks ago. Is there anything Bo Wallace is afraid of at this point? Well, probably not the Mississippi's... Yeah, I'm just going to say that. Remember, Dr. Bo is not a licensed

physician. I'm going to say this a lot of times. Now, if you've seen seen him run the inverted veer, you'd swear the man had a Ph.D. Because he's seriously, like, for what they do, he's brilliant. And as Our own colleague, Rick Muscles, of Rick Mussels, Twitter feed, because he doesn't even own Rick Muscles.com, cheap bastards.

As Rick Muscles has pointed out numerous times as an Alabama fan but Old Miss season ticket holder, that Bo Wallace managed to survive multiple seasons in the SEC at this point playing quarterback in a running offense while weighing seriously like 130 pounds. He's got no meat on him whatsoever, and he runs a run-first read option offense and is not dead so he must know something about medicine he knows something about resuscitation revivification I'd point out that if we're talking about a bunch of a bunch of youngster receivers who are better collectively than Mike Evans we could

be looking at a human centipede kind of situation where where Dr. Beau is he's gone all twisted and dark even more so than usual and he's stringing these boys together in his basement rubber cement will hold anything together for a lot longer than you think it will as long as it doesn't rain old miss could do some damage with them three receivers stacked on top of each other like some unholy jenga now yeah go ahead oh i i just want to apologize i'm gonna i'm gonna drag down the uh level of discourse here uh as as the uh as the the designated uh nfl hathen i did catch some of Mike Evans' performance against Alabama, and he looked like Calvin Johnson playing in a

peewee football game. So he looked like Calvin Johnson at Georgia Tech, you're saying? Because he had a four-foot-tall person throwing in the ball. It was, it's staggering, and I am very excited to see Mike Evans play for the next like 10 to 15 years, because good God, he is amazing. And I've also seen Dr. Bo at work, and I haven't, no one on that field has popped out to me as remotely Mike Evans-esque. Well, you know, when you're undergoing the most perfect surgery in the world, you don't notice the doctor going to work on you because that's just how damn good he is. You're not paying attention to the bones. That's right. Hey, listen, he's just got that triple specialty.

Anesthesiologist puts you to sleep. Neurosurgeon rearranges your mind, so you don't even know he was ever there. and free obstetrician, which is weird, but it's somehow relevant to a surgery he performs on you, even if you're a man, because it's Mississippi, and let's be honest. The medical board, they're creative and liberal in the use of terminology. And the fourth, he's always got prices right turned on real loud in case you wake up. That's actually required by Mississippi board. You've got to have a game show on in the background. Except pressure luck, it's too exciting, and it's caused fatalities in the operating rib before.

rest in peace whammy the uh by the way Evans reminded me like when you're like it looked like David Boston in the like height of his roydiers like when David Boston would just basically destroy anyone he was facing

in double coverage because he was just oozing HGH and Stanazol like that's what Evans reminded me of I'm not suggesting he was on steroids I'm just saying he has the constitution of somebody who is unnaturally huge and strong, which could be his natural default.

I think I get what you're saying. You're recommending a Mr. Evans, got a little business proposition for him. I hear what you're putting down. That's what we're here to do is take the corrupt corpse of college football, reanimate it, and turn it into an even more corrupt zombie. That's what we're here to do. Actually, I'm basically saying that if he ever went on steroids, he would make sure. David Boston look like a joke.

I would like to point out that corrupt zombie would be the worst rap-rock combination. Especially if we misspell it and it's like... Right. K-U-R. U-U-P-D. No, no, no, you just use the rapper corrupt from Rob Zombie. Oh, my God. And they just get really, really high together and don't make any music.

Kirk, you got anything else on the docket looking forward to this week? Well, we have Wisconsin-Ohio State. I'll be damned if I'm going to be excited about a big 10 game. Luckily, Ohio State's in the SEC. Both these teams should be undefeated considering the misfortune Wisconsin face down there in the desert, but that'll happen. We got a lot of fast guys, not quite as many big fat guys as you expect. This looks like a legitimately exciting game. I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to look at the LSU Georgia game, mostly because I really want to see what happens when LSU defense faces an offense that, you know, piloted by the best offensive coordinator in America, Mike Bobo, per Bill Connolly. That's not even just me talking ironically or sarcastically.

I don't even know physically if I could have said that three years ago. Like if you gave it to me a paper and said, read this. it wouldn't have yeah once bill says it's basically official there's true there's also a late game we should point out USC at Arizona State which has the potential

you know how in like some very low level boxing matches both fighters will raise their hands at the end of the match like they both won I think that could happen at the end of this game but neither of them won the referee won

like my god I would also point out, Texas A&M, Arkansas. We had a nice little happy honeymoon period for Brett Bilema. And then he went and lost a damn Rutgers. Ooh, yeah. Also, in the noon slot, we got Steve Sparrier going to Orlando. Got a lot of nice golf in the Orlando area.

That features the best matchup of, I have this theory that most people have like a cool granddad and an asshole granddad. And this is both of them. coming to dinner. Yeah, and by the way, I can just tell you that he may not have ever met him or know him, but Steve Spurrier already hates George O'Leary. Like, he hates, like, he hates run first defensive guys. He just despises their DNA, smells it on him, right?

He's like, I bet you spent a lot of time in the film room, don't you? Just looking at that film over and over again. Not seeing a damn thing every time you say it, huh? Why are you watching more than once? Huh? You slow? Because I'll watch it. Here, look, five minutes.

Done. That guy sucks. This one doesn't. Throw the ball of him. All right, I'm out. Like, he hates George O'Leary. I can tell you. Be like, yeah, did you kill a kid?

Jesus. How'd you do that? Football. He didn't even do it on purpose. He didn't even do it on purpose. Should Steve Spurger be some sort of like criminal pre-cog guy? Like, he can just look at you and just know everything you've done? Yeah, I know.

You first play? I Formation I sew. You're a dumbass. You are. I bet you think the NFL's like smart or something, huh? Yeah, I've been up there. How smart are they? They wrote me a check. Wrote me a bunch of them.

A lot of money. How smart are they? Huh? I always have like the teeing off noise with the background. A lot of South Florida, goodness. Yeah, there's a little bit of that there. Also, Oklahoma plays Notre Dame, if you like a game, that's going to be utterly unwatchable.

Yeah, I'm good. Oklahoma's quarterback is, what, 280 pounds? And Notre Dame's problem is they can't find anybody to simulate him in practice. So that'll be about an 11 to 9 game, I think. Yeah, that sounds like, you know what, if they need somebody to simulate them. Sounds like a job for Dr. Bo, plastic surgeon slash obstetricians slash plumber. Well, I tell you what, they got Lewis Nix. You ran to play a quarterback in the spring game.

Just have him simulate Blake Bell. Lou's Knicks would do it too Lou Sticks is really cool I'm going to give you somebody to watch this weekend I'll give you J.C. Copeland because he's shaved his beard so we have to see if he still has the same strength playing fullback for LSU

he's like 270 pounds 6 foot 3 mean as shit you probably need to watch him because he likes to hit people. It's very entertaining and if the right people are calling this game they'll just have the telestrator on him going look murder look murder just circling him over and over again

You all want to take some We have Reader questions which I got earlier. You want to answer these? Yeah. Yeah. That's how we'll close out. We'll engage with the people.

So, our first question, by the way, from PFT Commenter, who you might be familiar with. His question is just, in written in the following way, all lowercase, Lane Kiffin,

two number, no space, the space, Cowboys. Lane Kiffin to the Cowboys. I say yes because Benning can fire his dad again. Oh, good point. I would

also say that could mean Oklahoma State, which that would probably be a better job than USC at this point, and that's the kind of thing that Lane Kiffin does. Also, it's another orange team he could drive into the ground. It just makes sense. Kiffin's the perfect, like, patsy for Jerry

Jones. Ah, we got this guy. All right. I don't know it's just like this underqualified moron who looks who like can like probably sell himself in an interview but doesn't get any results but jerry jones can control that's it's like lane kiffin is basically uh a less smart better looking version of the cowboy's current coach i would i would like that to happen because i bet lane kiffin cowboys head dallas cowboy's head coach would win his first four or five games, all of the Dallas fans would be like, oh, we fucking nailed it, dog. And then they're stuck with him for five years of just total mediocrity.

I'm going to go ahead and answer this next question from Mark the Nomad on Twitter, which is what would happen if we sent the B1G into space. So if you sent the Big Ten into space, as the resident science correspondent, I will answer by saying that you're essentially putting one more quasar into the cosmos because an infinitely dense object that just emits strange noises that seems so distant from our universe and inscrutable and yet exists it's pretty much the same big ten quasar it's a push i'm going to disagree and say that the big ten cannot achieve escape velocity so this question is impossible i'm going to point out that we would discover the moon has no media market whatsoever so it would not be on it

The moon is Rutgers It's close to something And yet lifeless The moon is Yeah the moon If Rutgers can claim New York Then the moon can claim the sun Yeah Earth is a moon town

It's more like Mars Since we've at least theorized people on Mars Right Like we'll be like we found water on Rutgers Oh my gosh Next one This is actually I asked for anything by the way

So next one from user San Ang Will Walt Or Jesse's survive. No. So you go no to both. I think Jesse survives.

I think Carol kills them all. I'm going to go with Network, and I'm just going to suggest that Holly takes the fuck over. In the jet. Wasted bitches. So no. The other question, let's see. Going to Adam Jacoby. How come they don't make the whole football?

bull helmet out of black box you're an idiot adam jacobi the worst fire adam because they tried that and then they lost to alabama at home so stupid god don't follow adam jacob uh let's see uh moving forward in our questions we have a time for a few more um let's see is butter a carb that's from uh jamie nine nine nine there's a lot of nines there uh Listen, I happen to be the CrossFit expert here. Therefore, I have read all of the paleo literature, butter is not a carb. Okay, we'll go with that for an answer. Contrario Man asks, I like this question a lot.

What coach past or present? We can do this NFL or pro. NFL or pro. You know college. The CFL. You know what, you could do CFL, man. If you can pull a CFL name out for this question, do it. Cresman.

Dan Hawkins. Dan Hawkins. Dan Hawkins. And we're out. Which coach, past or present, would you like to try to coach a game in a white dinner tucks? Didn't Schnelly do that at one point? I don't know that he didn't. Can't prove you didn't. Bill Belichick.

He'd just be pulled out of like a fuzzy baby. No, no, no. What he would do? This is the best part. At one point, he would just reach behind the collar and pull a hood up. You wouldn't have even seen it. It would just appear. He'd just yank the sleeves off.

You'd be like, oh, my God, Bill Belichick has an organic gray cotton dulape that grows right at the back of his neck that he pulls up like a hood. It's part of his body. I want to go the other way here and suggest Mike Nolan just because I think that the suit wasn't enough. I think that he should have the Reebok white dinner tucks. Oh, God. Yeah, like Tom Hanks and Big. Listen, I'm going to be fully goddamn evil here, and I'm just going to say Charlie Weiss,

because imagine that much white. It's just wasteful. God damn, he'd look like an albino rhino out there, wouldn't he? A poacher might take him down. What is that very short water tower doing? Vote patsy for governor. I feel like, my God, that's the most handsome lesbian I've ever seen in my life. a couple of more questions while we're at it

let's see looking down the list skipping past all the obviously drunk people who responded my god here we go for nuclear combustion research purposes can Mustamp be forced to stay at Florida

until Kentucky breaks the losing streak in case you don't know Matt Uffert Kentucky hasn't beaten Florida in 26 years My goodness, gracious. Yeah, and they're never going to beat them. So no, Must Champ can stay there as long as he wants because Kentucky is never beating Florida ever again. Do you know how many Floridians have had their children taken away from them in 26 years? It's a lot.

It's like the entire population of Kentucky. Let's see. Oh, God, that's just not even worth asking. Ooh, I like this question. Rumpel fish steak. Rumble fish sticks asks, what is the best burrito meat? Carnitas, hands down. I agree.

I'm going to go, listen, I'm just going to flip. Does that mean park? Let's go to Cobb County for their question here. What is the Hoover of Burritos? What is the Hoover, Alabama of that? Well, we're about to go. Mayor Bernsey, one of your old chums, Matt, asks. Is Dads the best new TV show or the best TV show ever?

Oh, man. What fuck is that? It's the show that leads into the very excellent Brooklyn Nine-N-N-N-N-N starring Andy Sandberg. I have yet to watch Dads. I don't think that I will. It stars Seth Green, and that's really as far as I got. What's that? the son of Dr. Evil.

He was Scott Evil. That's our lowest common denominator. Also, robot chicken. Yeah, he also made robot chicken. So I'm going to say no. No, it's not the worst. I mean, like, again, like, you can go to CBS and find 20 worse sitcoms than dads, I'm sure. The, uh, let's see, this question is for me.

Apologies. Rank Steely Dan's discography. I'm just going to take Asia. you're going to start it there. Royal Scam. I know most people put Katie Lide there. I'm going to go number two. Katie Lide, it's number three.

And then you can just go all the way down as long as you put Goucho last, because it sounds like they're asphyxating themselves slowly over the course of the record. Let's go down to this question, which I think is so very, very important, which is who has the... I'm going to expand this.

This says who has the better anger? angry face, Brian Kelly or Rex Ryan, I want you to expand that and just name your favorite angry face and a coach. As someone who basically watches football mostly for the angry faces and or the sad faces, I really don't think it gets better than Jim Harbaugh. Like Jim Harbaugh pissed off. Like what, like, what capital, like, capital grade 4A, like, is he fit? Like, this is a grown man screaming, screaming at, like, at paid officials.

I love it. It fills my heart with joy to see him that upset. Now, perhaps the poor man's hardball would be Paul Rhodes at Iowa State, who there are dubstep remixes of his freakouts. Just, you piss this man off, and he will be grabbing at his nut sack and yelling at the student section. but my personal favorite, and this is a Homer pick, would be Mike Smith of the Falcons, just because it's such a surprise.

He's the mild-mannered, boring, straight-laced dude with his hair is just a block of white. But when he goes, he goes. He turns full red and once punched DeAngelo Hall in the chest, and DeAngelo Hall was, it seemed to be actually affected by it, but it's the surprise that gets you there. Yeah, Mike Smith really does have like Lego person. in hair, doesn't he? Yeah.

He's got a lot of personality, right? There are many... There are many... ...has that are very Lego-ish. Yeah. Many Hasbro things about the man. I'm going to go with Paul Pasquiloni because he doesn't... He's not good at any emotion.

So whenever he looks angry, he also looks like he doesn't know why he's angry. Like, he knows, like, something bad happened, and I don't know how to explain it. Damn it! That makes me angrier. I'm going to go with the obvious one, which I think is Will Must Champ, because I've never seen anyone in a position of power or responsibility who is so willing to make himself look like a two-year-old.

And I don't mean just the sort of eight-year-old kind of anger. No, I mean the kind where I'm concerned that he is shit his pants from anger. in the middle of it. So I'm going to go with Will, especially because occasionally I really think he's got replacement tongues because he just bites them off over the course of the game. You know what's impressive about Will Must Champ's angry face? Have you ever seen like a slow motion video of a baseball being hit and you can see it contract and sort of the waves pulsing through it?

That's what Will Must Champ looks like in real time. I also like Matt Brown too because he looks like a lady who's mad that you're closing the garage sale. oh hey we're done now no you ain't you said this kitchen aid mixer was mine that's my crowd he's like really petulant and shitty at getting mad i'm gonna go two more questions here uh one uh what asian country could best recreate college football i guess that means starting it and sort of redoing it what Asian country so you get the entire continent of Asia aka most of the universe uh to do this this is obviously up my alley so i'm let you three answer but I have a definite answer

in terms of what country would do this best. My gut reaction is India. I think it's... I'm going to tell you you're correct. Okay. Oh, all right. I'm going to sit. I'm going to stay on India. Thank you, dealer.

You know why, by the way? Elephants roll tide. Oh, nice. I'm going to go Mongolia because, hey, they'd be an SEC schedule before. I can do it again. They're just... They're just...

They just need to make the right hires. We need to get us a better con in here who can recruit some horsemen. Tell you what, Mongolia need to upgrade that stadium, though. It's a little bit dilapidated. Hey, listen, all I got to say is that Mongolia, they're the Boise state of Asia. If we're just going to, little out of the way. Oh, for sure. A little out of the way, right, on the high plane.

Population, not all that, but they make a lot of what they got. Additionally, you kind of have to have a trucking program. Just like Boise State. You're going to be on the move a lot. Yeah, you're going to be on the move. So what's the Florida of Asia? Would it be the Philippines? Would it be the Philippines or Taiwan?

You've done this wrong. Florida is the Asia of America. Like, seriously, the depths of humanity and the depravity evoked by that sentence just gave me, like, goosebumps. Seriously, I'm looking at, I'm like, hold on. What would that be? I can do this because I've thought about it if I had to do an analog state for state

Okay Thailand is entirely too festive Okay but everybody does go on vacation there So it's the best possible fit All right It also helps that there's nothing as orderly as Singapore in there So you knock out Malaysia And the Philippines, the Philippines is just kind of hot and crappy

That's kind of like the Louisiana Of East Asia I've always thought of the Philippines as the Mexico Of Asia They are but the Mexico of America is Louisiana Right It's true. Can you forget how much of Mexico is kind of hot and swampy and shitty?

That's, you know, it's the Yucatan. It's the U. They're just pretty much on the same line, too, right? It's the same place, just a different longitude, or a different longitude, right? Or latitude. Japan, Japan's very much like the entire Big Ten, if you're going to do it, because it's pretty orderly and they have this belief that the world should work, right? And that people should just work hard all the time, and when they get drunk, they turn into animals, right?

Also, they kind of peaked back in the 80s, and it's been stagnant ever since, right? They're real good in the 40s. I like this because I'm picturing Brady Hoke just eating a pile of Walkman. Well, there is that, like, CatLab video of Brady Hoke playing the Chinese violin, right? Which I will tell you, Michigan is most definitely not China. It's not. First of all, there's a lot of jobs in China. No, they have a horrible one and play the public too.

And then finally, I think if you're looking for the natural matchup between like the orderly hot place, right? Singapore would be great at college football, mostly because like college football, they could just make the labor work for free. Yeah. One last question, by the way, and all of this. Who is the – I have an answer, then that's why I'm asking, because it's rigged. Who is the Saul Goodman of college coaches? Wow. Constantly wheedling, knows a guy who can take care of that problem.

By the way, I bet all three of us have the same answer. Matt, you probably actually are the older. I really, I probably haven't even heard of the correct answer. You can go pro if you want. We give you that option. No, no, I want to hear what you guys have to say. I say Houston Nut Ooh

That's a good one Because I'm going Todd Graham Because he's getting out of there Okay Todd Graham knows a guy It's going to cost 500 grand But it's new IDs, new life They'll get you out of there

You're right I think Houston nut is probably the hule In this situation He's just sitting in a room What about do? I'm in here with Ron Zook just watching TV. Just waiting on a big old three star. Ron Zook's been dead for two years.

But it's an energetic dead. Jason? This is a really hard one. I'm going to go with Ty Graham. I was debating Houston night, actually. But I don't think he's got the confidence to be Saul Goodman, which that sounds amazing to say. But Saul's actually pretty good at his job. So I think I've been talked into.

Todd Graham here. Yeah, can I just give you the other detail that sealed Todd Graham for me? Mysterious Asian masseuse, leaving the office. All the time. All the time. You're not sure what just happened. Big fan of laser tag. Oh, laser tag. Well, I don't know. Laser tag just says it's used to nut to me. They're like guns, but they shoot light. All right. We've had entirely too much fun. And by that, I mean, we went really long. So my apologies, but that was great.

This has been Matt Offer, Jason Kirk, and Mr. Hot Tub. His name is Ryan. We'll talk to you next time.