Shutdown Fullcast - ShutdownFullcast5

Episode Date: October 2, 2013

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Well, out here on the range, you can hear the crickets, recording from the backyard of Swindle Manor here in Atlanta, Georgia. An embarrassing place to be fired is an airport parking lot. But there are other bad places to be fired, Lane Kiffin. For instance, Ryan. A Renaissance fair is an embarrassing place to be fired. Oh, especially if you don't work there? Yeah. Nobody works at a Renaissance Fair, so if you're getting fired by definition, you have some other job.

Sir, can one be fired if you're an indentured servant? No one is released from serfdom. That would be my favorite response if you were fired at a Renfair. Like if Lane Kiffin's like, you can't fire me, dumbass, it's a Renaissance Fair, you own me. I'm a surf. You'll have to sell me or something. You're going to have to kill me. You're going to, I know that Lane Kiffin argued with Pat Hayden.

Like, I kind of like to think he got down to that level, right? Like, you're going to have to kill me to get me out of this job. And Hayden was like, all right. Then he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'll go. Pat Hayden reached for his, his axe. His nine. His Saturday night special. He had to have one of the ladies ones, like the little derringer.

Pat Hayden holds up a hand and, and, and, and, for him. where red lights appear on Lane Kiffin. Of course, he doesn't know what that means, so they had to call it off because he's just, like, looking at the lights, like, what the fuck is this glowy stuff on me? Do you play a laser tag? I mean, he's a coach. I hate laser tag. He knows what a laser pointer is, right? So he's like, are you guys

going to illustrate a defense or something? Because I'd like that would be helpful. That'd be good, because Clancy's not, I mean, it's confusing. I think another really embarrassing place to be fired would be at a funeral. build a bear is an embarrassing place to get fired especially if you work there or if you are a bear or if you are one of them said built bears or if you're on a date and your boss just

all bad yeah yeah i think if you're on a date and your boss walks up and fire you at build a bear Or if you're performing in the porn being filmed on the USC Coliseum Stadium. Fired mid-C.? Which is actually how Elaine Kiffin was fired. Fired mid-coitus. That's a real story. Plasma Donation Center. That's an embarrassing place to be fired.

I think it would be embarrassing to be fired in the middle of childbirth. Sure. Yeah. My son. You're fired. He's got to be poor What if you were the baby And you got fired

What if that's the first thing that happened to you Upon entering this world Just Vince McMahon coming in What if your baby fired you Said that was horrible I'm never frequenting this establishment again I'm so glad to be out And this is the last we'll speak

I'd be like Damn that's one air you die baby This is a strange plot twist for Downton Abbey but I'm following it. What were your baby's first words? They were, I gave you one star on Yelp because I couldn't give you zero. I waited nine months for a table. My baby was precocious and a dick.

Yeah, I think we were talking about like Lane Kiffin being fired, the circumstance that really amuses me most when you get down to it is, if you were following inside USC on Sunday morning, Which, remember, this happened late, not just for the West Coast. This happened at 4.28 a.m. Pacific, right? So, we're truly in the graveyard shift because everyone was waking up having breakfast, right? Like, I was in a hotel room in Austin, and it just starts popping up, you know? Lane Kiffin fired.

Lane Kiffin fired. And Prey Tell, remind us who that was, who told the world that Lane Kiffin was fired. That was Pat Hayden himself. So if we can just review the details of Lane Kiffin's past firings, one, a dedicated press conference devoted exclusively to illustrating how much of a liar he was and how badly he needed firing. And now a press release before anyone else could really get the story saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, we did that shit. We think the press release was. dictated as he was firing lane kiffin or like before kiffin even really processed what was happening i think maybe it was or maybe uh or maybe he forced kiffin to write it like an apology

gun to his head like taking his own grave you type that letter and like he you know he was like trying to sneak little things in like lane kiffin who has an enormous cock back back back back take that out i like how it included uh it said after an going to start in the Pac-12. I mean, we know your team is bad. Yeah, like, they really, that was the part that amused me second most, was that USC announced it and wanted you to know they were the ones. It was like a terrorist attack, right, when like jihadis of Yemen come forward and go,

no, no, no, no, no, y'all, that was us. That was us. Claiming it seconds after it happened. And it was at an airport. Which they're all too happy to share, all too happy to confirm those details behind the scenes. My favorite thing about this, though, and it is a silly and useless detail, but a great one, was that one USC player was thrown off after going to his Manhattan Beach house and finding out the cost of Lane Kiffin's pillows.

Now, do you think that, like, Nick Saban has a poor house that he shows to players? like so he doesn't offend them because like i just think like everything lane kiffin does nick sabin probably does the exact opposite so does he just have like um like a rental no no no like like a trailer like i'm just humble nick sabin this is my trailer your house is probably nicer than mine you're gonna be really rich someday four words nick sabin trap house yeah some boys on the corner nick sabin's boys A.O. Playstation. I got a PlayStation.

I got a cocaine dealers. I have five naked women cooking rocks on the stove so that I can make sure they're not stealing any of my product. I got that work if you need it. He does. Nick David has a trap house where he takes it.

And then when it's time to recruit AJ McKearrow into the trap house, let's be honest. Yeah, AJ definitely has let's go downtown to buy drugs vibe to him. I bet AJ McCarran has a map to the traphouse tattooed on his body somewhere. It's a code, actually. If you put him under ultraviolet light, it glows, right? Now, I'll tell you this.

He's got the Mobile skyline tattooed on him, so yes, yes, he does. Just look and you'll see one. By default. It's the tallest building in Mobile. It's the trap house. That's the mayor and lord of the trap house. Yeah, like, when it's time to recruit, like, you know, someone from Hoover, he takes them to his actual lakehouse, right?

There's just my humble lake house. About 3 million, coach? It's about 4.2 with, you know, some renovations. What if Nick Saban just breaks into other people's houses while they're on vacation and uses them? That's legal in Alabama. Now does he do that? He'll break into a recruits house. and steal the kid.

Well, you've got to demonstrate that you really want them, right? Yeah. Look, as long as the parent's sign, it all works out. Speaking of being stolen at gunpoint, we now have head coach of USC. I can't even get it out without laughing. This is real life. Coach Ed Orcheron rides again. And Jason earlier today, you tweeted maybe the most insightful thing I've seen about how unreal a situation this is.

Yeah, just fascinating that Ed Orgeron is giving injury updates, which Lane Kiffin never did. And he's doing them about a player who transferred from Penn State who used to play for Joe Paterno. Now he plays for Ed Orgeron. They sort of have the same build. Joe's smaller. same shape kind of same shape of head same lack of control of volume square head yeah in opposite directions

if they both spoke at the same time it would probably sound like it would probably modulate into a normal sounding human but strange accents both of them yeah I was trying to say if you really if you sped Ed Orgeron up you'd get Gilbert Godfrey think about it run it in your head it works how terrified are they of what they've done that they won't just come out and say no obviously

ed orgeron is not going to get this job full time they're too scared to say that so they have to say well you know he'll be evaluated just like any other candidate they know that if they tell ed orgeron that this is a limited time deal he will get naked on the sideline Remember, Ed Orgeron's bio, a crucial part of that bio, is listing that he met his wife at the Liberty Bowl, which, like the ending of Breaking Bad, it took me about 12 to 16 hours to really properly process what that meant. It meant that Ed Orgeron found his wife in the wilds of Memphis. And do you know who his star was hitched to for that Liberty Bowl? Oh, my goodness. Who?

Paul Pasquiloni. My God. Sweet Jesus. Now, do you think that Paul P's face is like that because he witnessed Coach O doing something unspeakable? Coach O'Corton? That's what I think. When you talk about unspeakable, I think Paul Pasquiclone was a normal human being capable of moving the muscles in his face before he saw Edward Geron and loved. At work.

the man is a magician we know we know it can evaluate we know he can recruit listen as long as you keep the boot and ear on the whole time you're being a gentleman i'm just i'm flipping through uh bruce feldman's meat market right now just uh trying to find a choice passage but literally everything the man says is um just the opposite of everything we've ever been told usc is if you said hey ed um that's indecent exposure i I think his response would be, is it? But the UCLA game is going to be real fun now, right? Oh, oh, God.

Because Jim Mora is the reasonable one now? Yeah, because Jim Mora, I can't imagine a taunt that Jim Mora would not rise to. So if Ed Orrin was like, we're going to drink all this poison at halftide and prove who's the better team. Jim Moore would be like, I'm going to drink twice as much poison. Just sitting there sweating, convulsing. No, no, he goes down last. He goes down last. Dad used to make me do this in the summers.

That's something Jim Moore, Jr. Jim Moore probably did do his son, right? A little bit of arsenic every day, right? Don't ever lose weight or you'll die. Stay at that same weight, young Jim. You're loaded with poison, just like my Saints teams. The other fascinating thing, by the way, this week that happened. Oh, no, we're not getting away from Ann Orderon.

I can talk about Ed Orderon all day. I mean, do you know what a nightmare? One of our staff riders does. Do you know what a nightmare? His Old Miss tenure really was. That at one point they decided to just set off fireworks in the daytime. That's how discombobulated Old Miss was under Ed Orderon. scheduled to have a fireworks display to be fair to be fair uh fireworks do count as

indoor lighting in the state of mississippi that's probably the only way they could like their classrooms so uh strong on academics set of fireworks in the middle of the day is something you do when an animal is loose from the zoo and you don't know where it is it's hiding well like we just got get it out in the open and shoot it. I think the Southeastern American, Northern American, Orgeron qualifies as that. Oh, if you, if you have kids, try this. I assume you own a book in the Babar series.

Imagine Ed Orgeron is Babbar. It's seamless. All the other characters remain the same. Ed Ordron, vaguely French King of the Elephants. Because we're rooting for him. him to run the table right yeah make this a tough decision make make pat hayden think twice about hiring anybody but ed or geron i'm actually rooting for him not to run the table but to get a an unfavorable bowl matchup and then improbably win that ball well what's going to happen

go ahead finish well i was going to say like let's say like three loss USC gets i don't i don't I don't know, draws like to Las Oklahoma, and they just thwomp Bob Stubes. That would be my ideal world of worlds. Let me go ahead and just beat you to this. The question asked by reader Sam Duren, after getting fired, did Kiffin get, well, he says, did Kiffin got an airport Cinnabon? He misspelled Cinebon, too, which I feel bad about because, one, He's not good at spelling.

That's okay. And two, I know what the proper spelling of Cinnabon is that occupies some space in my head. Yeah, that's on you. Yeah, but life's a gift, and you should appreciate every second. To complete the shame sandwich while waiting for the ride. I don't know what the other ingredient in the shame sandwich is. I'm assuming it's pills of some sort. But, yeah, he got a Cinebon.

You're damn right. No, that's the problem. It was at a time of day where he couldn't get any food at the airport. That's what's so shameful about it. The thing is Lane Kiffin would have no shame in waiting for the airport Sinabund to open. Like if you want a shamey at 3 in the morning, you have to go to a village inn. That's true.

And you have to like fall asleep at the table with your face and some like hash browns. You either have to do that or you have to go to Albertsons and be like, yeah, just this Entenman's cake to go, please. Where do you keep the forks? It would just be you and Brett Bilema at 3. 3.30 in the morning, and Bill is dead. Every damn time. Both with your face burbling in a mix of eggs, hot sauce, potatoes, and bacon.

And you're doing it because you're asleep, and Brett Bielma is doing it because that's how he prefers to sleep every night. That's actually the only way he can breathe. Brett Bailamow loudly complaining that the Constitution means he should be allowed to plug in his karaoke machine. But it does. That's how I met my wife. Just plugged it in in a blackjack table. come get me security life short um i i also think that the fascinating thing from usc cut and loose is that they get screwed screwed yet again for the second time in a row because remember the kiffin thing was a little last second because pete carroll was like later um

they get screwed because texas might be hiring as well they get blocked they get blocked out on on at least one other major job, no? But can't they use that against Texas? Like, can't they figure out the candidate that they don't want? Let me put it this way. Can they use this to get taxed just to pay Jack Del Rio $9 million a year? You know, capitalism is a perfectly logical system, and Jack Del Rio being paid $9 million a year is proof.

The market makes no mistakes. Well, I think what you're getting at. is USC won't be able to hire Cam Cameron because Texas will already have. Right, right, yeah. That's the move I would make if I were USC. Use their wealth against them. At this point, with the machinations behind the scenes at Eater program, are there two programs you trust less to hire a good coach?

I mean, besides, like, FIU, just take FIU off the table. like two major programs where you're like oh they're going to fuck this up but USC and Texas right now are kind of up there now the thing I like about Texas is Delas Dodds has said he didn't ever want to hire you know hire another football coach but he's staying on until 2014 so he's going to have some sort of role in hiring a coach he didn't want to hire which like does Mac Brown have a son is there is there an imposter Mac Brown that Delas does going to push for is it going to be an apple whole white situation operation oh that's that's what's happening here that'll

that that'll really get Phil Sims hot they should hire my son I'm Phil Sims and I'm not that bright you know how many boys I got who could do that job

we could just we could just so like Matt and whatever my other son's name is I forgot how many these Sims children are there. There's Matt. There's a Chris. And Bojangle and Flapjack and Steve.

Teeter-Totter. Yeah. Crums. There's a Sims, Sims. There's a Sims, Sims. Ardbark. Ardbark's the black sheep of the family. I think he's really out of the running here. Isn't Sim Ant a Sims? Yeah. Yeah. I think there's one named Phil. He's not even related. He just sort of showed up, and Phil took a liking to him because his name is Phil Sims. His name is Phil the fourth.

He's a junior, but he's called Phil the fourth. Because he's three times the man his daddy was. That's why. The other thing this week that in terms of extracurriculars is that Earl Campbell suggested that Mac Brown should be fired. Then Earl Campbell was corrected that and said, he was taken out of context, it seems difficult for me to say that Mac Brown should be fired

and then see that it's out of context. Unless we're talking about launching Mac Brown as a projectile, which, given his odd shape, not a good use for Mac Brown. No, not ideal. You've missed the point entirely. What he's saying is that Mac Brown is actually a valuable piece of pottery

who should be fired in a kiln so that he can be protectively glazed. I believe what he was saying is MacGron is wired because MacGround has been retrofitted with a top-of-the-line home containment system. Yeah, but it's Texas, so it's probably one that doesn't perform that well despite being very expensive. Correct. Hello?

Hello? I think we lost you. You there? Yeah. Hello? Okay. Sorry, we're technical difficulties. Oh, no.

No, no, can you hear me? Yeah. Okay, good. We'll just keep going. But, yeah, we'll pick up at 24 minutes, 35 seconds. We'll pick up at, but Texas would be a very expensive home entertainment system that didn't work that well, correct? yeah it's it's one of those that kind of squeaks and pops and the channel will change on you and it'll show the longhorn network which you don't want that to happen i was very excited that the university of texas convention center hotel actually has the longhorn network recent acquisition i assume i have very recent but if you turn it on it's it's a lot of texas there's a lot of there's a lot of stuff about vintzion on there like a good fit

15 to 20% of the channel is Vince Young devoted. Vince Young, pay no attention to his pro career. I know. I think they just cut that selectively. I think they probed the eyes that. They're like game seven, 2007, Tennessee Titans. Just game seven. It's like a spliced-together single-game highlight package.

Very poorly. There's like one throw from him. with, like, the jets and one throw from he made with the jaguars or, you know, and it's all presented as if it's one game. Exactly. Over ten completions. And ran for at least five yards. At least.

There's a bit of that going on of a longhorn network. Make no mistake. The other thing, by the way, is that guess where Texas plays this Thursday? one of Jason's favorites. They are headed to AIMS. Don't knock it till you riot. Ames. A terrifying specter on the horizon,

a apparently mediocre Paul Roads team on a Thursday night looming. Just waiting. Lurking. A town named after someone pointing a weapon at you. just lurking in the corn just waiting that's one of those games that like every Iowa State upset

is just landmines of turnovers a panoply of mistakes that weird ethanol cloud that sort of suffocates the sideline there makes your player sleepy thanks to farm subsidies

damn you Congress do you know what I like best about this Iowa State team, though. Quarterback this year is Sam B. Richardson. He, on everything I've ever seen, he insists that the B isn't there. And I'd like to imagine

that that's a tribute to beloved TV actress and B. Davis of the Brady Bunch. Oh, agreed. Absolutely. Because Iowa State is the sort of confusingly ever-present

maid slash cook of the big 12 just making quips from the side just devastating quips like Mr. Brady comes in all high on life and all of a sudden Alice is like oh snap you ain't all that and I'm still a maid

and I'm going to try to fuck somebody in your house Sam and I will have the bondage get the best moment in the Brady Bunch movie is that one tiny little moment where you see Sam and Alice in like leather running in the middle of the night from one spot to the other.

I see you Amy Hackerling. That was nice. I don't know if I've ever seen the Brady Bunch. Is there really that much murder in it? A shocking amount of murder. I wouldn't say it's shocking. Maybe to some sensibilities. It's Southern California. It's a placid place of great beauty built on murder. Haven't you played great theft all? It'd be a lot of murder for a family of three, but this isn't a family of three. It's true.

It's per capita. Life gets cheap when you have a lot of kids. That's true. That's a lot of conflict. Yeah. And also, I'm just going to assume that Florence Henderson has probably got, you know, rage in her veins at all times. Definitely. I've never seen the show.

Okay, you've never seen, okay, because this is an interesting question. We were given a question here from T. Holterman on Twitter, wrestling aficionado, who's asked what my favorite episode of It's Always Sunny is, and my answer would be the first one I watch, because I've never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I saw the first one, so I'll roll with that one. It's got a sassy girl and some sassy guys. I've seen more than one, but I can tell you that I, the, one of the lead characters on the show, Charlie, I am frequently told that that's who I sound like.

You do. And Charlie is functionally dysfunctional, I would say. He pulls his teeth out at random. he will eat anything. Yeah, this character will just pop his teeth out because he takes such poor care of himself. He is basically like... You?

Yeah. To a T. Yeah. So that would be my answer. You've never seen the Brady Bunch. I've never seen a single episode that's Always Sunny. Ryan? I've never seen Titanic.

I've never seen Titanic. That makes two of us. I've seen half of it at times I've seen clips I'll go and look up clips because people will talk about that scene I'll be like oh well I should go see that like the scene where everybody talks about

like you know draw me like your French girls I've seen that just so I could understand now this is how you know that you're fully absorbed by the internet that the MCP has just sucked you into the computer I went and saw that so I could understand the fartzilla joke where they're drawing

fartzilla instead of the naked Kate Wins like that's how you know you've gone through the looking glass oh good you've lost the ability to feel feelings past it well past it which means which means i'm ready for the big 10 i'm ready to go ahead and walk into that world of numb hearts and blank souls the uh i want to answer a couple of more questions before we move on to looking on uh the uh jason oh oh jason what do you think about brian mccann's future in atlanta you have to answer that because i don't know who brian mccan is we specifically requested no baseball questions so some wise ass who was it that asked that question that'd be pat j burns thanks pat um brian mccann let me list the things i know about him

this is this is not the guy who sings start back at one no different person oh all right no brian mccan is not going to be not going to be singing about squirting anytime soon Oh, okay. Now, if Brian McKnight played baseball, I'm seeing a first baseman. I don't see him running around a lot. He's going to want a position where you can stand and talk to someone that seems to be all first baseman do, right? Is a base runner stands there and they tell jokes, they talk about, like, their butts and their wives and baseball stuff. Why does that never, like, that has never turned into a fight.

In every other team sport circumstance where you have two opposing players who are talking, I would say conservatively 35% of the time they're jawn at each other and about ready to throw down. But that never happens at first base. Right. That's the first baseman's job. He's actually not an athlete. He's more of a counselor. But he doesn't like to be called a counselor.

He likes to be called a buddy. Okay. I also know this about Brian McCann. he's sensitive and is an aficionado of etiquette which if there's one thing that I associate with the city of Atlanta and with those who follow the Atlanta Braves it's a deep understanding of etiquette what I'm saying the fun thing there is he's from Athens is he yeah I believe I believe he's from Athens hopefully he's from that that one lot near Sanford Stadium that's always just absolute hell on earth anarchy. Yeah, and just filled with...

He was just born there and he just sort of was birth from a stack of trash. But that trash plays the game the right way. That's right. You can't really underestimate that. Baseball's a dying sport. Forget about it and stop

watching it. John Boyes asks, are football's baseball is the only sewn objects that hold anything and ain't clothes? Thanks. No, beanie babies. That's a good call. Any kind of doll. There's a good one. I would say another sound object, anybody who's had extensive plastic surgery.

Yeah, I was just going to say. Jerry Jones. Jerry Jones doesn't really hold anything. In fact, he pays people to carry things for him. And he ain't clothes because I've tried to wear him as a stole. And trust me, he's feisty. He didn't like it. He'd lose in all the wrong places and tight and all the other rooms. It's not pleasant. Yeah.

We have a somebody who we could, we have two people on this call who could answer this. From Razor Hamon, tips for a first time trip to Gainesville. Woo! Oh, boy. Oh, man. Don't go. Wait, no, you should go. You should know this.

Tailgating's very spread out. Gator fans are apathetic until they walk in the door of the stadium. And then they're pretty apathetic when they walk out. I would not recommend calling the hogs a lot but the locals tend to be the most violent ones and they're pretty quiet up until the point where they stab you. Holly Anderson swears a friend of hers was actually stabbed by a completely silent non-trash-talking gator fan

after Tennessee lost, which I don't believe for a second but apparently it happened. Additionally, I'd recommend you go to balls. It's a terrible bar. Everyone has to go there. your suggestion ryan um i think you've covered all of it i would probably say god on the one hand you don't want to stay anywhere particularly close campus because everywhere you could stay close to campus it's going to be terrible on the other hand driving to and from campus for the game is absolute

misery. So if you can just sleep in your car, that's probably your best way. Sleep in your car. It's a very safe thing to do in Florida. Hundreds of German tourists can just back us up on this. Now, based on what I understand about Gainesville, it seems to me

the thing to do is go to the gun store and steal a car and drive it right under Bill and Hill Griffin and just stand on top of that car and fire your weapon into the skies and then take a nap. Look, there is not a gun store in Gainesville.

You are given a gun when you get to Gainesville, but it's from a local official or a Girl Scout troop. So I don't want to hear about how easy it is to buy a gun in Gainesville because nobody's bought a gun in Gainesville in 50 years. Also, I would recommend this. You know that thing about not pointing at people because you've got three fingers pointing back. Florida is just like that, but with guns.

So just think of it that way. You got three point in back at you. You're rolling a Ben Hill Griffin. I guarantee you you're going to be dead in a hala gunfire, like three seconds. That might happen anyway, but don't invite it. Now, at the Publix's in Gainesville. Publices. Publices.

Well, which Publix are we talking about? Because they're very different. You're talking to Archer Road Publix? Because that's club Publix. You're going to want to get dressed up. Yeah, no, that's the fancy public. Are we talking? Now, Main Street Publix, where my friend used to work for the legendary manager, Tony Jones, of the Main Street Publix. They had to close that one for a while because it was infested with rats.

These things happen. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a pretty common thing. Elatua County, where rats are people, too. Now, at a Publix here in Cobb County, a former manager. that I know of once did fire a weapon inside the store, trying to take down a bird that was on the ceiling, hit a water pipe

and flooded a large portion of the store. Was this in Kennesaw? This was in Marietta. We don't associate with those people. The closest thing I've seen to that is somebody speeding out of a Gainesville Public's parking

lot in a truck with the tailgate flip down. They had a toilet in the truck, and when they turned out of the parking lot at a high speed, the toilet went flying and shattered in the middle of the street. By the way, I'm just going to go back, Jason. I just imagine this employee discharging

a weapon. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hang on. I need to interrupt you. Store manager. Go ahead. The store manager. I just imagine him discharging this firearm to the tune and playing in the background of like

Sarah by Fleetwood Mac, right? Which is playing like one out of every four times I go into Publix, right? So there's this really mournful, ethereal Fleetwood Mac song as he's trying to just unloading land into the ceiling of the Publix. That made my story better. John Sicada would have been a good choice for that, too. There's that. There's to the House of Stone and Light.

There's Stephen Curtis Chapman. How much longer? I'm not so. Oh, yeah, so one more question, we'll look ahead. By the way, you gentlemen, please, go ahead and sort through what we have from readers here. Okay, I have an actual question from, it's from Rick Mussels again. But he said, if you could break any NCAA record, what would it be? I know what my answer is, but I'm curious what you two want to say here.

I'm going to say the most money given to a recruit. Are you the recruit or the giver of the money? Either way is an achievement, but I would prefer to be the one to sacrifice my eligibility so that coach can stay on the sidelines. Okay. Mine is also fairly – mine's just pretty humble. I think it's not all that much to ask to be the leading punt returner with a weight over 350 pounds in yardage. That's a good one. I was going to pick breaking the 222 to 0 just to take away what little Georgia Tech has to brag about at this point.

Mark Rick should really put that on the list of things to do. 224, y'all. God bless. Yeah, it would be a 2-24, and then he finds a book of the Bible to associate it with. And that's why he did it. It wasn't about spite. I don't know. Was that in Colossians or something?

Proverbs 224. I'm going to say, listen, you know, smitens godly. Look it up. There's a lot of that going on. Jason, do you have a reader question you'd like to answer before we review the upcoming week? From Steve Hummer on Twitter. If Steve Spurrier were a wrestler, he'd be Rick Flair, right? First of the things they have in common, they are both known for getting needlessly naked.

They're both kind of super-fit old guy slash flabby, which that's fine. That's better than, you know, being any other kind of old guy. Beyond that, I don't see any similarities. Rick Flair's known for just diving off the top rope, landing on his head, bleeding unnecessarily, so on and so forth. Resty's Spurs, other than the occasional visor kick, he's just going to go out there and do the most casual thing he can do to get the victory. But I don't know if I have a better recommendation. Perhaps you guys do. Is he Rick Rood?

Are we kind of lean on that way? He can talk like Rick Rood. He'll call out, say, say Mark Rick's wife. Yeah. I mean, he's, you know, he's he's kind of ravishing, right? Oh, gosh, yeah. Yeah? There's an implied in a section.

Yeah. I mean, he's a little sort of, I don't know, he's a little, Sean Michaelsy, too, because Mr. Ass, right? You there? Hello? Oh, man, technical difficulties, but, you know, we moved closer.

Things got a little bit better because dipset. The reason for every season, dipset. I wanted to go ahead and let's look at next week. Then we'll answer a few more reader questions, and we'll wrap this up. Ames, Texas, Iowa State. No real rational reason to believe that Iowa State is going to even stay in this game, which is just a perfect setup for them.

I am worried, though, that if that happens, that will sap all of the crazy juju and eliminate any possibility that Utah, I don't know if they beat UCLA, but maybe takes it into overtime, or, you know, misses a field goal that would win the game, something like that. Now, do you think that if Utah fans preemptively storm the field that Jim Morrill will try to fight all of them? Yes. Yeah, I mean, he's feeling pretty, he's feeling his oats now that he's the king of L.A., right? So this is when his downfall begins. Like, now, like, this is, by the way, this would be the most UCLA thing now that Lane Kiffin has been excused from USC and they're in total disarray, that Jim Moore would be like,

this is my moment and then just botches everything from here on out are he saying jimor is going to start dressing like a generalissimo or something on his side i think he'll be like justin beaver he'll just have somebody carry him up various tall walls around the world you know i think he'll uh i think he'll just he'll screw this up because i don't know i just remember watching him coach the falcons and thinking he's going to mess this up and it was never wrong yeah that seems to be the trend. I've been all in on UCLA's success so far, and it's fine to see,

but things are right around the corner, such as a late night game at Utah. Oh, yes, son. Which, you know, don't mess with the bus, because they'll come on the field. They'll come give you a little visit. Because they're already atop you. Yeah.

You know, they're a little premature, which happens when, you know, you wait a long time to have sex. Hey, Utah. Speaking of Utah, by the way, quite the weekend for Utah because BYU goes to Utah State. If you want to watch Chuckie Keaton run and be chased by 25-year-old men, it's a good day to do it. That's not going to be good for Tays and Hill, though, right? Because Tason Hill is going to think, like, oh, man, I'm going to be like Chuckie,

but he's going to be like Chuckie in all the wrong ways. We're going to see a running quarterback shootout. So, like, they both take the shotgun snap and stuff. start sprinting. Tason Hill's going to run on the field while the offense isn't even on it. Yeah. They're going to throw, like, running interceptions. Well, yeah, but, you know, Chuckie Keaton will do it with, like, you know, a good 60, 65% completion rate.

And Tassam Hill will do it with, like, a 40% completion rate, because that's what he's firing for the year 2013. 40.6%. But it'll be like a John Wu movie, and they'll just, like, run at each other. and then doves and you know yeah except you know except one of those dugs will be dubs will be pelted out of the sky by an errant tasem hill pass because he has a 40% completely like that's my favorite part is people getting really like man tasem hill you seen him run yep never seen him pass though i've seen him do something akin to throwing or hurling or ejecting the ball from his shoulder but i've never seen him pass a football maybe kind of

It's kind of an arm run. Maybe he doesn't have a dominant hand. That would be the best. You just don't understand him, Heal. He just doesn't work in your system because he's ambidextrous. Well, what's the opposite of ambidextrous when you're just, you can't use either hand? I believe that's called non-bidextrous. I'm flambidextrous.

Yeah, looking forward down the schedule even further, Air Force Navy not happening thanks to the government shut down. Thanks, Obama. That's that one game. It'll start at about 1130 and everyone gets fired up and patriotic for it. And we sort of forget that these teams play football.

Let's be honest, until the end of the year. We can get real mad about it, though. I enjoy being very mad about it. But how do you say that? Like, when you see it as a hashtag, do you see, like, thanks Obama? Like, I see it as, like, the most political ad voice ever, right? Thanks, Obama, paid for it by the committee to thanks Obama.

So it's not T. Hanks, Obama? Yeah, it's not Tom Hanks, Obama. I think at this point, I couldn't imagine anyone saying it non-ironically. So it's sort of a, it just comes out with a smirk. Thanks, Obama, you know, like, I'm a smart ass on Twitter who thanks Obama for things. you know what I like to see it as I like to see it is thanks Obama as in thanks of Bama

that everything good comes back to the Tides so thanks Obama well the thing the thing about Bama is you ain't ever going to see a O in front of a Tide's record that's right unless you put it on the losses column

the other thing about the government shutdown effect is that Boston College is now like they're doing a good job of not showing it but they're clearly desperate to play this game against Army because they know getting to six wins

is going to be just the ugliest struggle and if they lose the army game they are fucked you know Steve Adosio is their coach that might be the case

with them anyway Texas Tech Kansas the sexiest matchup of the year got big bear Charlie Weiss masculinity little padden

something for the ladies who feel that big pun vibe and then across the way Yuggs done on Cliff Kingsbury so really something for every lady in this game.

And it's at Lawrence. Which, the home of sex. Is that one of, say, three VCS conference stadiums with a track around the football field? I believe students are allowed to exercise during games, actually. I just got to do a couple of laps. I'm doing wind sprints, you know. It's CrossFit. A little conditioning.

Sure, go ahead. the basketball team just cut and laughs that's what everyone shows up for everyone hears the applause right it's just them going around and a rousing round of applause for the basketball team sounds like the wave yeah yeah yeah um you know can i go ahead by the way and just just put somebody on upset alert here given the debacle uh the PR debacle that it's been so far i can't believe i'm saying this but you might want to keep an eye at Illinois at Nebraska. Okay. Well, it's sort of, how about we say an eye on the scoreboard? Yeah, keep an eye on the scoreboard. It could be interesting for like a quarter or a half,

but how terrifying would it be for Nebraska fans if they're tied with Illinois at the end of like the half? If it's like 10-10 at the half with Illinois at home with those oh-so supportive and beloved Nebraska fans. No, you want to talk about voice modulation. Tim Beckman telling Bo Pellini that you have a real good team. It was an honor to play you. Keep swinging.

You'll connect Slugger and Bo Pellini, you know, like choking into death. Tim Beckman doesn't really understand. He just keeps talking, getting louder and louder. Why did I stand next to all of those airplanes? The love of aviation has dented my hearing and ability to understand other people. Oh, beautiful sky. I was raised by tornadoes. That's why I live in Illinois without fear.

I see one on the horizon and think, mother. Oh, what a deranged thought, Jason. No, Georgia State is playing at Bama, which Nick Saban has tried to pour mouth his team and talk of his opponent by pointing out that Akron almost beat Michigan. Does that make you feel good, Brady Hoke? You're the... Yeah, especially when a lot of people on that team remember absolutely whipping Michigan's ass and going, really?

Really? That team? Speaking of Michigan, they face the four-and-one. Minnesota Golden Gophers, which I'm just going to say this. You struggle against Akron. You're capable of struggling against anyone. The four of the four. Minnesota has...

Oh, let's not get into you. Stop. Well, to be fair, it looks about like Michigan's four. I was going to say, let's look at Michigan's four, Yukon, Akron, right? And Minnesota's got four wins. So let's just skate. Okay, go ahead. Say the four they've beat. Fine.

UNLV. New Mexico State. Western Illinois and San Jose State. I will say a dominant win over New Mexico State. Minnesota's first four games are, like, the first time you're playing NCAA on, like, a season, and you're like, oh, I got to, we got to reschedule these ones. Oh, I don't know. Texas early. No, we need to, hey, Western Illinois, their team, let's play them.

Can we play them twice? Yeah, that's a very, we can only play FCS East once. Can we make a subdirectional out of these two schools? FCS, East, West East. That would be great. I like all the implied traveling. Like, if those had all been road game, that's a heck of a road trip. Western Illinois, which, it's close to a river.

That's better than Eastern Illinois, therefore. Easier escape routes, I guess. I would say to you, by the way, name one great song of 2002. Just one. You can name one. 2002, if you can name one. Me? Yes, and either of you.

Not all at once. Can we look these up? I'm cheating. I have them looked up, so I'm going to go ahead and just say don't look them up, okay? I don't think it's right. Is it possible lights camera action is on there? That's not a great song, damn it? It is, actually.

cheeks, lights, camera, action. Wow. Yeah. Dog her light's camera action. That may be the song that was played most for the least awareness of who actually was responsible for it. How You Remind Me by Nickelback, number one song of the year, which is proof that you can condemn this entire millennium before it ever got off the ground.

Hot in Here by Nellie and Georgia, Tennessee. Hence why I'm asking. A really hot game in 2002, and it's 2013. They play this weekend. Well, let's get that over with. Now, Tennessee is wearing their charcoal gray uniforms, which they have white helmets, which just looks like sheer ass. I was going to say gray and white, sort of like a cremated body. Perfect for what's going to happen in this case.

The white represents your teeth, the only part that remains. and for a school with a body farm only appropriate sticklers for dental records anything else to get out to you gentlemen on the week because obviously we're not we're doing some unranked teams but red meat in the schedule it gets better as the day goes on we have at the same time Ohio State Northwestern and West Virginia Baylor round two as well as Todd Graham and take the under I am curious for very bizarre reasons about this

old miss at Auburn game mostly because I feel like I don't like I feel like these could be the same team and I don't know it yeah you know like if you look at Mississippi's like raw numbers they're way better than

Auburn like Auburn's 3 and 1 and that's a pretty flabby 3 and 1 thus far God Mississippi State is so bad. Mississippi State's I don't know. Well, the thing about Auburn is they didn't get to fluff it up

with a game against Texas. No, no, no, no. You can't take that away from Mississippi. We beat the most profitable program. Some of that money rub off on you? Take a little bit of that home. The game that I'm interested in watching because I like watching things die

is Arizona State at Notre Dame. Because either way, this works for me. Notre Dame might get hammered at home and fall to three and three on the season, Joy of Choys, or Arizona State might do what I think they're going to do, which is completely botched all of the momentum and goodwill they have from beating USC and hanging 62 on them by losing to Notre Dame in a low-scoring game on the road. And then they called Dennis Erickson. This one's actually being played at Jerry World.

Oh, yeah. Could see Todd Graham try to take over the Cowboys during the game. The coup de Todd. Do you think he has a tattoo that does that? Oh, listen. It's Hena, but yeah. That man would not commit to a tattoo. No, no, no, no.

That's a little bit beyond Todd Graham. In more ways than one, by the way. I think he's on his third wife, by the way. That wouldn't surprise anybody. We are leaving out a classic rivalry game that I push for every year. New Mexico State New Mexico Which What would one call that rivalry

If you were unfamiliar with the actual name Oh my God Just sadness I think we call it Heisenberg's Revenge The Crystal Fraud Bowl Crystals Magical Resetticles Yeah I look at like a really

Tacky but extremely expensive dream catcher. Maybe you call it breaking really bad. Breaking New Mexico football. Winner gets to live in the vortex. Oh, a desperate couple of teams here, by the way, each in different ways. Missouri plays at Vanderbilt

if you would like to watch a contrast of styles and James Franklin chewing the collar off of his shirt midgame out of stress and Gary Pinkle with his resting heart rate of 42, basically a Tibetan monk and or sentient. statue. I'm excited for whoever calls that game to bungle which James Franklin they're talking about at least 15 times.

No, the one we're in black and gold. Yeah, that one. It's perfect. And on the night shift, by the way, this is a quality night shift. Washington at Stanford, the Pac-12 game of the week, certainly. A contrast of styles, and that Stanford is a thundering, powerful, physical. Nine linemen on the team. on the field all at once, and then Washington's never been good.

That is quite a contrast. I mean, really, like 1999, 2000, that's quite a long time ago. In this millennium, they haven't been good. So it's a real litmus test for Washington to see if they can stand up to the Stanford missionary position hammering that they enjoy. Just a heavy object being dropped on you over and over. and over again. Stanford's those two dudes in the Mario game that throw hammers at you, and you can sometimes beat one of them,

but you never get past both of them. I think there are those enormous blocks from Mario Kart, right? That's just, you know, I'm just, that's all they are. And it's really breathtaking to watch, because it's what Will Mustchamp wants to do at Florida so badly. You can see, like, they put nine linemen on the field, and he's like, that's what it would have been great.

That's exactly what we need. We're so incapable of doing it because Stanford is so smart and they've been doing it for so long at this point. And when we do it, it just looks like, you know, like the rec game at Fat Kids Camp. And then frustrated Will Mouschamp goes to like a pilot and tries to deadlift of gas truck. And Bill Haslam profits off. Somehow. One rivalry game, big conference rivalry that I'm excited. side of these teams are in the same conference and their conference rivals.

Clemson at Syracuse, there will be Clemson fans there. There will be South Carolina fans, people from South Carolina, on the Canadian border watching football inside, and this will end poorly. Oh, sweet Jesus. Another game that you want to watch if you like things ending poorly. George Tech at Miami, because Paul Johnson hates. his team he hates himself he hates his team hates all of them so if they're on their own 33 and it's fourth and three um you'll want to watch that because he's going to go for it uh and most likely probably

by calling an option with his quarterback bad lee who he is admitted cannot run the option because fuck you yeah and the amazing thing it's he's had all these quarterbacks who can't throw now he has one he claims can't run the option so i don't know maybe you have him throw no No, no. You never played the game, son. You don't understand how this goes. I get it now. I get it when you put it like that. That does sound like the best way to win football games.

Paul Johnson, are you sure you're grounded? Do you want to work with wiring like that when you're not grounded? Fuck me, that's why. I should be grounded. Well, you could. You could just step off that ladder. I got the ladder. Hell no, I ain't calling before I dig.

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