Shutdown Fullcast - Spencer’s Grasp Of The Animal World Is Tenuous At Best

Episode Date: January 28, 2021

Why are you even asking if we bought GameStop stock? Of course we bought GameStop stock Spencer invented a game! That’s not as bad as it sounds! Why are you flinching? Anyway, the game goes like this: Can you pick hit or miss coaching hires throughout history based solely on their records? Turns out we can’t, but we CAN reunite Ryan with his coaching spirit soulmate Which former Colorado head coach is Holly’s new life coach? With Enough Flex Tape, You Can Live Forever (Shutdown Fullcast not currently sponsored by Flex Tape) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. The price is right. It's filmed in front of a live studio audience. Is that the best, that is the best theme song of all time? Absolutely. It's so layered. It sounds like the main street electrical parade. It's pretty solid, yeah.

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only college football. podcast thank you for joining us you have a lot of things to do in a week we appreciate you wasting somewhere between 30 to 90 minutes of your time with it's never 30 minutes it's never less than like 47 minutes we've tried to bring this this college football podcast wasn't it supposed to be our 30 minute show once upon a time once upon a time that and that's cute i think sir i think sir ber should start cutting the show like just stop the show at 30 minutes stop recording yeah yeah just leave like that would be funny too anything just leave just pack it up just turn turn the show into the world turn the lights out good night everybody longest least

coherent voicemail right like and one more thing be that's it and that's the show have a great night there you go see there you got the sandman out after us holly are you interested in a flex tape limited edition poster yes let me describe this poster to you i understand this is not the ideal way to describe anything it's technically not still my birthday but it's got kind of a i'm going to say like a roy lichtenstein feel to it um what don't tease me in like the comic pop art but it also has a photograph the photograph has phil swift the spokesman for the flex tape product and he's saying he appears on this uh poster twice first he says i saw this boat in half and then it says and the inside is completely dry i'm going to send you uh through

let's let's do it through here i just dropped it in discord you can see what it looks like i i do want that how much do you think that poster costs i do i do want this did he leave why Why is his voice so echoing gone? That'll run you 20 bucks. Oh, that's beautiful. Isn't it? Spencer, your headphones are probably unplugged again. There we go.

They weren't unplugged. They weren't unplugged. They were loose. So the plug wasn't plugged in. They were. And then I yanked it out probably by twitching in my seat. Hi, everybody. It's been a very exciting week.

We've been talking about Flex Seal. We've been talking about Tennessee's new hire. We actually haven't talked about that at all. No. No, because we're going to have to do it again in two years. Three. Should I hired Flex Seal. Here's Coach Flex Seal, everybody.

That's what I would do to placate the angry, faithful at Neeland. If I were Josh Heiple and we were losing by 20 to somebody, we were not supposed to be losing by 22. That's really cute that you're using the subjunctive here. Yeah. On the sidelines, just have a big old tanker full of water. Everyone starts booing. What do I do? Poke a hole in the side.

I was like, boo! They boo harder. Shoot a hole in the side. What you do is? Plug a hole in the side. Woo! That's right.

He's got the gun. Yeah. What you're going to do? You just put a hole in that there, transparent rain barrel. How are you going to fix that, Josh? You can't even fix a football team. Smack!

smack and then they just start showing it on the whack yeah and he's got the he puts on the safety glasses the first time and people are like oh what's he gonna do but then that's like the hype part that's the part that gets everyone's really going is when he puts on the little flex seal safety goggles and everyone's like oh here it comes did you say the hype part yeah that's the hype we know and everyone's like oh here it comes he's right just get my minute he'll get it i'm gonna put in like 30 minutes. He might not, yeah. High ball.

Yeah. It's going to be like the kid in, Honey I Shrunk the Kit. This is one of my favorite jokes in film, actually. At the very, very end of Honey, I Shrunk the kids when the little kid turns to the camera, it goes, oh, I get it. French class.

That's an ice box joke. It's good. Yeah. This could also be, this could also be like an incredibly elaborate turnover ritual. like ball's force to turn over one defender gets to shoot the water barrel the other one gets to slap the turnover flex seal on top of it I mean it they would probably leave the league in everything yeah they'd be like these are the most motivated players I've ever seen in my life

they're just going after the ball on every play yeah this is amazing he's caused six fumbles tonight why they let him slap the flex seal tape onto the leaky little container over there They love the turnover flex tape. The turnover. They're over there just slapping on each other's eyes and faces. You want your face to stay intact, don't you? Yeah. Who's smart now?

Yeah. With enough flex tape, you could live forever. I changed my name to Flex Seal. We recruited a linebacker name Flex Seal. My soul tried to leave my body, and then I flex taped it right back. And now I'm immortal. What state has a two-star football? football recruit named Flex Seal with I would say with two X's it's Utah Texas Tech

probably and he's a quarterback right yeah yeah that's a big 12 like it's it's F-L-E X X X X X X T-A-Y-P-E wow and if he played and honestly if he played in like Mike Leach's Texas Tech offenses 5,000 yards passing one season 5,000 yards. And he has a brother on the team. He has a brother on the team, but the brother's name is just like Sean. Sean, quote, seal.

Tape. Seal tape six. He wears six. I mean, this is all getting to the point of, we're just going to say, well, I don't know. We're through trying to say whether a higher is really great or really bad. No, we talked about this last week.

We're just going to have to do this again in two years. I don't want to waste any effort on it. Yeah, and if he's good, well, that's a surprise. Tell you what, if he's good, we can have this conversation in two years and decide what kind of. Okay, this comes back to what I was saying about gender reveals, how everyone should get a gender reveal party, but they should happen when you're 40. We should grade coaching hires at the two-year mark. Yeah. That seems fair.

I mean, everyone should. This is also when we should list the top 25 recruiting classes at the junior mark. The idea of grading coaching hires when they are made is kind of bonkers when you think about it. That would be like saying, oh, welcome. It's the Academy Awards. And we award, all of the awards are based on casting. Like, oh, best actor? We think that sounds good.

You cast this person in this role. Here's your Oscar. It's like, you didn't even make the movie. yet. What are you talking about? I haven't seen the script. I don't know how it's going to go. Doesn't matter. We love Denzel. You put Joaquin Phoenix in there. Do you know what this is going to be like for yourself? Right? This is also one of those things where you go, oh, hey, everybody's going to have different levels of adversity, right? We think Joaquin Phoenix is going to be good as Abraham Lincoln. We're excited about it. Best actor. Did Abraham Lincoln? I would have watched. I would have

the lincoln movie if they had done that did abraham lincoln carry a hammer around with him everywhere yes just menacing it yeah he did he did i actually abraham lincoln wanted us to live in a society yeah a society where men were free to carry hammers wherever they liked i this is also a thing where ever not everybody's going to face the same amount of adversity in said script right i'm not like i'm going to be honest like you know some jobs are the revenant right that was a good sometimes jobs are really funny some jobs are utterly hilarious and how bad they are and and what kind of circumstances they're going to put people through is that the worst we have ever behaved in a movie theater yeah that is the worst because the revenant was the funniest movie i have seen in the

last five years side splitting everything about that movie's funny right down to the long close-up on a crow where when he comes i swear to god i remember i remember distinct i don't remember much about the Revenant, apart from laughing at Leo crawling out of a horse, but I remember leaning over to you right as they zoomed in on that crow's eyeball and whispering in like a hiss, if that crow starts speaking Spanish, we are fucking out of here. Like I was ready to walk out if the crow started talking. I wanted it so bad. Don't you do this to me, Alejandro. Yeah. That's not every script's the same. Not every circumstance is the same. And you're not really going to know. Sometimes you might go hey that guy actually did a pretty good job this lady turned out to be the correct

choice for this role and and i couldn't have anticipated it before thomas jane devastating in the expanse oh i was hoping you were going to say the punisher the academy award winning we've already had all the punisher content we need for uh for the year yeah the decade check it off I, yeah. After Ryan's, no, Ryan, this was you. The Punisher, All You Need is Love. I told you, I don't remember anything that happens on this show. You quoted the Punisher saying,

All You Need is Love just a couple of weeks ago. The extremely sunny take. I'm tired of gritty takes. What about the extremely sunny take on the Punisher? Nothing is good as grit. Yeah. Except sandpaper. Punisher cookie cake.

what if the punisher didn't suck at protecting his family oh wow y'all we've been through some shit the past uh the past year especially can i tell you one thing that i think this show has gotten immensely better at like and it's not even this is not an assailable point by anyone we have invented so many good businesses we are basically an incubator at this point without any money without a new money um hold that thought because i bought a stock today you did you did this is this is getting to the point which i mean spencer bought me a stock today a stonk we bought one stock that is correct oh my god i just atrayed yoshi shit did you see that focus daniel san i did it on purpose too i really wanted

the dragon coin so shit sorry sorry yoshi why would the worst dumbest dog why would you want to let the rest of the world have all of the fun when it comes to trying to fight trying to fight stock market foolishness with by buying shares of GameStop a modest

and successful corporation that was possibly undervalued and is now worth more than many, many larger more glamorous companies. Games top. Thanks to a fight between

hedge funds and uh reddit that's that's a real short like presses of what's happening here the rare way to go reddit yeah the the extremely rare way to go reddit that is is what's happening why would you want to let them cruise alone that's why that's why holly owns one stonk how many do you own uh three stonks three three three stonks it's great when you say i own three shares of something and oh what a rush what a ride hey we made money today we did but who knows what's going to happen definitely not us is the point who could have who could have thought that the most important single bet that you could make in this vast market would have been on game stuff or that it would have to this point come through so glamorously and gloriously that's kind of what we're

getting at today because you don't really know whether a coach is going to be successful you don't We kind of stopped trying to, like, guess all together, unless it's just like a patently bad idea. And then even frankly, sometimes the worst idea you have might turn out to work pretty well. For example, this one coach I'm thinking of who's going to help me explain a game I want to play tonight with the three of us regarding, you know,

some college football futures forecasting, some value projection. And show you how bad everyone is at this. okay even on this level so we're gonna play some stonks but with coaches I have selected nine coaches nine coaches I will tell you that they are from different eras but all from like 1975 forward mostly of these are any or any are any of these active coaches yes yes okay there are active coaches there are active I say yes, only because I see you have a Rich Rodriguez tab open.

Yes. That's active in the slimmest sense. It doesn't say active at what. There's no guarantee by the, there's no guarantee I used Rich Rodriguez in this, by the way. I just sloppily left one open because I really should have shut them all. I'm just going to go ahead and like I said, take off. I'm not waiting for the tower. What we're going to do tonight is we're going to try and we're going to try and see if we can come.

out on the high side of the historical coaching market i'm going to turn holly and ryan into our prospect pickers you'll never turn me oh you're going to be in the fund management business you're going to take the resources um at your disposal and you are going to select the three coaches out of this nine coach pool that for you by their record and their accomplishments um show the most potential i think you're making this explanation too complicated you're going to give us three coaches and we're going to tell you which ones we'd hire based solely on their records and not their names you're going to you're going to pick them from the pool i'm going to let you i'm going to you take i'm going to let you take turns okay there are the thing no stock investors do which is

look at companies financials that's right that's right we're actually going to give we're actually going to give you we're actually going to give you the financials ahead of time you're going to go ahead and guess some value moving forward from this point remember this is the point at which they are hired for another job okay and so they have a record but it's not their full record it's you know at a point in their career I see and take another gig so I am purchasing them at a point in time at a point on their graph I see the example the example I'm going to give you of how this is going to work okay yeah this particular coach I want to you know you're going to like either pass or or you're going to buy you're going to pick them up and the record will

definitely give away his identity before we're even talking um this particular coach has a five and 19 record with no conference championships and no bowl games all right to you a what five and 19 record ah there it is the five and 19 record no conference championships no bowl games do you pass or do you buy well he'll have cam newton here in just a minute so i believe i'll buy although it's fascinating to think about cam newton with a non-jean chisick it is it really is isn't it or a different court or a different coordinator other than gus melz on like if jean chisic had hired scott leffler oh no yeah the first time oh boy that hurts for all of us it's a different story okay but that i think i get the game so yeah right right

So how does this work? You've given us a list of nine coaches and how do Holly and I decide which ones we are individually taking? You're just going to look at the records. Okay. You're going to look at the accomplishments and you'll go, I don't know. That one looks pretty good. That one looks pretty good. I will tell you that I've chosen some blue chippers.

Like there is an Amazon in here. Okay. There are some long-term massive performers. There are some steady, like performers, like not spectacular, but good pieces to have in the portfolio. And there are some here that are just absolute ice juice disasters, okay? Oh, ice juice. Yeah, there are some billion stories hidden in these nine coaches, okay? You will select three.

Holly will select three. I will participate by taking the ones you leave. Okay, so I will receive that, all right? They're win percentages. We're just going to assume that, you know, hey, breaking even in the market. You're 500, okay? Okay. That's about like, we'll call that the market average.

We'll use the total aggregate of the win percentages after, right? And totaled that up, and we'll see, you know, whether you go bust or whether you, whether you manage to beat, whether you manage to beat the man. And then the winner gets to go to the Showcase Showdown and spend the wheel? And the winner gets to go to the Showcase Showdown and wins a weekend with Houston Nut. Wow. Ew. Okay.

Holly, you want to go first? Is this because there's a weekend with Houston Nut at stake? Yep. Yeah, I'll go first. All right. Give me that record. Okay. Or whatever we're saying.

So we have nine coaches. I have them labeled A through I. And you can just peruse. You can simply peruse and go, okay, that guy's got the 105, for instance, Coach A here. How many do I have to hire? Yeah, you just have to take one, and then Ryan will take one. We'll take, you'll take three total. Three total.

Okay, are we going to, are we going to play some music? You're a grand old flag. All right. I'm going to take Coach I, 65 and. 51 with a 560 win percentage for bowl games and a conference title yes now bind you by the way when listing bowl games i just took bowl games because as we all know records and bowl games are pretty much random right okay i'm just giving all the information there that is not the reason so i'm i'm unsure what suspenser has only listed the win percentage for two coaches on this list he's listed the win loss of what's happening Right. But I think, I think I like Holly's choice because I think in this case, that is meant to throw you off. Okay. I'm going to get the junker on this list. I'm going to take Coach E, 51 and 54 with two bowl games and zero conference championships. That's got to be like an upside stock, I think.

Oh, that's a contrarian. Rise the contrarian here. Yeah, that's right. That's beautiful. Do you want to X out the ones that we've picked already? Yes, yes. All right. You go right ahead.

The next one I want is let's take the one that feels like an obvious trap. Coach D, 103, 22, and 1. Yeah. seven full or shared conference titles six bowl games or playoff appearances wow and that's the only one where he brought up the playoff too yeah which is why this feels like a trap mm-hmm yeah it does hmm okay um oh is that Chris Peterson that's a good guess never mind that's way more than that That's way fewer than six bowl games.

But if he's, if you're talking at a certain point in his career. Yeah. Okay. Um, all right. I'm going to go with the, now I'm going to go with the least experienced coach on this list. Coach G. Who's 19 and 7 with two bowl games and a conference title. The 731 win percentage immediately makes me feel like this is a bad choice.

And I'm sure this is somebody who like, I'm having trouble thinking of who that would be who had like a real quick burst and then just fucking fell flat on his face. I'm going to take Coach B just because I'm kind of interested to see what happens here. This guy is 73 and 32, but no conference titles and only two bowl games. How does that happen? But he's 73 and 32, which tells me maybe you're in a. really tough conference you must you must at the very least you must be in a

conference that doesn't that has to be a group of five conference because you can't go 73 and 32 and only go to two bowl games like the math doesn't add up okay i'll remind this is a this is we've got a pretty generous time frame like it's modern times but like 75 forward so okay yeah okay um all right i'm gonna go with the other I'm going to go with the other one that feels like a trap. Coach C, 43, 22, and 1. And that does tell me a little bit about when this is. This is not a coach who started after, what, 96?

No conference titles. And Spencer went ahead and said winless in four bowl games, even though he just said on this very podcast that bowl game records are just, you know, fucking random. But he doesn't want me to take coach C. So I think what this is, actually, I'm now realizing this is the poison, like the, the, the, the, the, the contest of wits from the princess bride, which my daughter now calls the poison game. And once every couple days or so, she looks at me and she says, dad, we're not playing the poison game. And I say, yes, that's right.

So, all right, that is, so to review, Holly has selected ID and B, Ryan has selected E. G, and I am left with coaches A. A intrigued me. A, F, and H. Oh, God, damn it. Are y'all still there? Yeah. Okay, good. No, our power's flickering.

Oh, that was exciting. Coach, I am left with... Our power is really flickering. I don't know how this connection is still here. I am left with Coach A, who, to give you Coach A's profile, 105, 62, and 2, with four partial or outright conference championships and six bowl games. That's pretty formidable. I'm left with Coach F, who a little more modest of a record, 29 and 25,

with two bowl games and zero conference championships. and coach h 19 and 19 with three bowl games and zero conference titles i i got one that i'm feeling pretty good about and two that are just crap shoots okay not not real sure how i didn't necessarily pick the ones that i thought were the surest things i picked the ones that i thought looked interesting yeah i agree with that um yeah reveal spencer why don't you reveal yours first so holly and i know the coaches we didn't take right before we do that why don't we talk about acorns yeah because in life because we're going to forget in life it's really hard to pick a sure thing you're going to need help to do that right especially because

i mean who among us is rich enough to make mistakes before we learn what we're doing with investing in the market with acorns anyone can save and invest in the background of life acorns acorns.com acorns is the country's leading sales and investing app. Acorns helped over 8 million people. Save and invest in the background of life. You can get started at just five tiny minutes by downloading Acorns from the App Store

or you can go to Acorns.com if you're feeling all like old school digital. Don't want to get mobile with it. Acorns does a lot of really cool things. It automatically invest spare change from everyday purchases by rounding up things like coffee, gas, expenditures to fantastic, apparel companies that we might talk about later.

It even sets recurring investments so you don't have to think about it. It's just going on, just piling up there in the background. You don't even have to like, you don't even have to pay attention to it. You can just, oh, look, suddenly I'm a responsible financial entity. That's what Acorns helps you do. That makes you sound like a money ghost. You, a money ghost, become a sexy money ghost. with a heavy metal debit card

that's that's actually like that's ghost writer quality superhero right there i'm a sexy money ghost with a magical heavy metal debit card bitch and sorry for cussing during the acorns read i'm playing nintendo i love a acorns you can do what i do which is i'm invested in the family plan where uh for a small monthly fee you can set up accounts for your kids that just pile up slowly over time. So pretty soon you're like, oh, hey, man,

they're going to get the good mac and cheese when they're in college. Which one's the good mac and cheese? I don't know. I don't eat mac and cheese, right? But I do use acorns.com. You can go to acorns.com slash full cast to claim your $5 bonus when you sign up. It takes under three minutes to start investing and saving in the background of life. We can't tell you about mac and cheese, but we can tell you how to get this cheddar.

Come follow A-Rod and the Rock. Come follow all of the extremely, like, rich and handsome people over to Acorns.com. No, I think the good-looking deserve our scorn. Acorns.com. She means Godfrey. Slash full cast. Fye on you tall, good-looking people. I do think Godfrey.

I killed that. um you did um speaking of killing yeah you know how at the start of well not necessarily the start but at some point in every terminator film the relevant terminator android is sent through time sent back in time to a pre-sky net human timeline and when they appear they're nude right Yeah Where does the clothes go Great question The reasoning for this has always been a little specious

I think Because I think if like If time travel Is like that bad on fabric They should also show up with like No body hair Because I would be a neat trick Right

Like I think Equinox would be like selling time traveling booths in the back They might be We can't prove they're not That's fair But the thing that now makes me not worried about Skynet winning the war is that in none of the Terminator movies does the T-800, the T-1-000, the T-X, the T-whatever, they never go and find somebody wearing home field apparel. They go to a biker bar, they like, you know, assimilate a cop's uniform or whatever.

But, like, if these mechanical monsters really posed any threat to humanity, if they were really as smart as these movies want us to believe that they are, they would go get some snugly, comfortable, well-made, well-designed, unique, good-looking, high-quality, home field apparel. They'd go get a sweatshirt. they go get these extremely limited edition sad husky doggers they'd go get a t-shirt that that like i mean look they're all in extremely good shape they should be wearing like comfortable clothes that go with that but they don't and that's why i'm like sky nuts fucking soft and not homefield soft like will not win the war against humanity you can win the war against robots though when you go to homefield apparel.com. Use offer code fullcast to get 20% off your first purchase. Bonus, now when I see you out in the world wearing a Rutgers Scarlet Night hoodie or the Hawaii hoodie that is taking the internet by Sirm.

Holly, you got one of those today? Is that right? I got one of those two day. The gray triblende hoodies were out of stock for a little while. You might have heard. and I had been missing out on I bought three hoodies today whatever it's still technically my birthday month but I had been missing out on two hoodies that Brian Floyd has and I will let him tell you about them right now that's incredible thank you Floyd oh just like oh Floyd wow he's just so natural on the mic it's like it makes me feel bad no come on so he can get away with it so as floyd was explaining to you find people just now he has had and ryan nanny also has the vintage hawaii rainbows hoodie and also the slippery rock university hoodie that has the mascot an enormous anthropomorphic rock wearing like a joe name of style fur coat uh and there is also a utah utah uts hoodie that just has it's just a really classic clean like vintage looking logo that has uh just an outline of the mountain range visible behind the university of utah clean uh and it's just it's just

a really pretty clean look and i have wanted it since day one and finally pulled the trigger on all three of those bad boys today and you can too with offer code full cast they just added temple university today if you want a menacing owl you have little menacing owl options now rice this is going to be the longest home field ad that we do all year because i got to tell you i want more i want more of the temple shirts than uh there's a problem with a couple of these homefield schools which is not only are they schools that i did not attend and don't have any family connections to whatsoever but i want like five or six of their shirts each and the last time i had this problem was Vermont. And with Temple, I have it again. There were at least three of these shirts

that I would love to wear on my person, mostly on my upper body, because the Temple Owl exudes a good deal more menace than you might expect the Temple Owl to convey. But there are several degrees of deranged in this Temple Owls collection. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Oh, yeah, that owl is ready to get thrown off a plane 100% over some minor shit some extremely minor shit anyway home field apparel long time friend of the forecast and again you wear their apparel we see you on the street we know you are not a terminator is it like can you even put a price on being able to tell show your friends and family and neighbors that you are not a time traveling murder bot I don't think so.

If I saw you on the street and I were a Terminator, do you know what I would say, Ryan? Do you know what I would say? Go ahead. Your clothes. Give them to me. Give your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle.

Give me your stylish San Diego Azteg sweatshirt. Give me your stylish collegiate apparel with designs and logos. You cannot find it. Other boring places. Have y'all ever seen Arnold Schwarzenegger's TikTok? no he's very good at it he's very good at it but my favorite tic-tock he ever did is a t-tok that is now

for some reason deleted from his t-tok i don't know if it was an accident uh but it is now on it is still preserved on his instagram his tic-nachtame talk name by the way i think is arnold schnitzel which is just adorable but it is arnold uh Arnold lives i believe in malibu in the hills of malibu currently and he has a little a good little spread of land up there it sounds like he's done fairly well for himself good for him Alex Kirster just speaking through me

on the podcast tonight you know it reminds me of do you never have you been on Spencer you've been with me when listening to Garth Radio on Sirius XM and he plays dollies I will always love you and he always says something

like oh that Dolly Parton what a talent she's going places as though like you know as though he is bestowing his blessing on her. It's adorable. So Arnold has miniature horses. And what appears to be, I think maybe a couple of miniature donkeys as well. Ooh.

On his, on his Malibu compound. And my all-time favorite Soh Mead video that he has ever put out is set, unfortunately, but funnily to Toby Heath's should have been a cowboy to the chorus. and it is just Arnold riding what appears to be a motorized dirt bike chasing his two mini horses around the yard on a dirt bike and feeding them carrots. It's better than a dirt bike. It's one of those gigantic fat tire bikes.

Okay, yeah, one of those. Which I adored this. But it looks like it has a little motor on it. Are those not motorized? Follow me down this path with Arnold very briefly. Body, huge. Fame. Immense. Ambitions. Tremendous. Car. Hummer. I will buy the Hummer. He's like one of the first people to buy a Hummer, right? Who will I marry? I marry a Kennedy. A real Kennedy. Dinocity. What state am I going to be the governor of something tiny like Rhode Island? No, I will be governor of California, the most important and powerful state.

California. California. Right? I will do everything huge. he knew how to pronounce it because a kindergarten cop that does make sense what are you going to and what what's what what's your pet going to be tiny donkey how do you like your donkeys small only the smallest donkey for arnold don't you want like some sort of mega donkey no don't keep us be very small don't tell me about these only the only the most miniature of donkeys will satisfy me speak to me again of these mega donkeys i I just love that about him. He's like, what kind of bike you're going to have?

Fat tire, huge tires on my bike. A hammer of a bike. Meanwhile, across the country, Danny DeVito's riding a 30-foot-tall donkey through the streets of Philadelphia. Right. And if they switch, they would have to switch because neither could have that, right? Danny DeVito's just, Danny DeVito and the entire cast of it's always sunny on a gigantic 30-foot donkey with everyone from Bucks County going, oh, man, look at that, you donkey.

that's weird can that just be the show can we end it there no we have to reveal your choices I did I did actual work kind of

like at least 10 minutes of work that counts to figure this out because we need to find out which one of you went completely bust okay so you go first I want to know who we did not take is the home filled out over

buy some owl shirts They're all terrific. No, I really mean it. I love these temple shirts. I can hear myself blowing out my own mic with my enthusiasm for these temple t-shirts. Tiny doggies. That's Colorado School of Mines. It is.

Oh, the Or Digger shirts are good, too. I was given coaches A, F, and H. That means nothing until I tell you these names. Okay. Coach A revealed. Uh, coach A coming in had a record of 105, 62 and two for partial tied or outright conference championships and six ball games had some momentum coming in. And then he took the Michigan job because that is Rich Rod Riggins.

Oh boy. Oh, buddy. Yeah. So I, I wish I had said this when I saw coach A, especially the tied or outright conference championships, my brain immediately said, that's some big East bullshit right there that is correct

now I will tell you this it's not great and it's certainly not at the pace that he was setting coming into Michigan but down the stretch of his career currently the offensive coordinator

at the University of Louisiana Monroe a gig is a gig wait he's not the head coach he's a coordinator the head coach is Terry Bowden how could I forget Yeah. But it's not that bad. He ends up going 58 and 57 down the stretch at Michigan and Arizona. No conference championships. He gets, by the way, more bowl games at Arizona that he did at Michigan. But like, they're those Pack 12 tie-in bowl games. So, you know, they're like the New Mexico Bowl. That's so not really counting those. He's coming along at a post. West Virginia, 5.04 win percentage.

Oh, that sucks. That sucks. But yeah, but you know what? I'm not losing much. No, at Michigan, no, you lost money on that. I get that 500's the, all right, fine. You've broken even. It's disappointing.

Okay. It's disappointing. It's not what you want. Who's Coach F? Who's Coach F? Okay. Coach F, 29 and 25, 2 bowl game, zero conference championships. We're thinking kind of a ham and egger here, right?

like maybe this is a placeholder if you just needed to sort of like see where things are going for a minute but didn't really want to... Hammondegger is a great last name and we don't use it enough. Hamanegger! And we should. Well, this is interesting because I think y'all

accidentally handed me the most high side. You handed me the most upside of any... Man, if that ain't the story of our shared working career. Uh-huh. Because Because here it goes That's Jimmy Johnson

Oh That's right Jimmy Johnson was 29 and 25 At Oklahoma State Before coming to Miami And going 52 and 9 I mean he is going to walk into your room With his dick out

But he can coach Listen, that's how you get five bowl games In five years Sorry what Walking in His last name is Johnson And Jimmy for the first I mean, is this a known Jimmy Johnson thing?

Oh, no, I'm speculating aimlessly. Oh, I was like, God, how is there a coach who I didn't know was a creep? No, no. And I assume he would just do it to Spencer. The coach, the previous guy, Howard Schnellenberger, he always brought a pipe to the house. Well, so do I. Just a different guy. God.

Jimmy Johnson goes 52 and I there. That is a win percentage, by the way, in addition to that national title. that is a win percentage of 8.5.2. That's 8.52. Damn. You know? And I don't even like, like, and then the only thing he leaves four is to go win Super Bowls. This is amazing. It's amazing. So I, y'all, thank you. Are we putting all these guys on the same staff? Because I think that's fun. Are we building like a Sabin, a Sabinite stable?

Yes, we'll have to do a coaching hedge fund to put all those together. Well, we're going to have one, buddy, between the game stonks and your activities over at acorns.com. Yeah, by the way. And me selling my first edition doggers on the open market. That's true. Those should pull, like, honestly, $10,000. I said this already on the internet, but this is by far the dumbest thing I have ever personally manifested into existence, and I'm so happy. By doing nothing, you also handed me Coach H.

19 and 19 with three bowl games and zero conference titles as a head coach coach h was at pittsburg he left the pit job to go to his alma mater wisconsin that is paul christ who though there are no conference titles here he's gone 56 and 19 there with six straight bowl games for a 746 six win percentage. That's not a bad. That's not a bad collection. I, no, I come out, who's going to be your head coach

and who's going to be OC and DC in that bunch? If I had to put those together. You got to make Jimmy the head coach. Actually, no, I kind of have to because I think he'll stab me. He'll cause problems, yeah. Yeah, he'll shoot me if I don't make him head coach, right? because Rich will be like, I'll fight you.

And Paul Krista will be like, oh, quit. Jim will be like, I'll kill you. Yeah, he's got to be the head coach. Paul's got to be DC. You know, man, as a personnel grouping, I don't hate this. Don't hate it, man. I don't hate this at all. I really don't.

Okay, what hell do you? And by the way, I'm keeping track of our collective win percentage here. You know, like market-wise, if we got 50, I'm outperforming the market by 20 percentage points with a win percentage of 700. Pretty good. here okay so what hell did ryan and i wreak upon ourselves and that's what i did and that's what i did by accident um holly you have coaches i d and b coach i your first pick was 65 and 51 at one point with a 560 win percentage for bowl games and a conference title i have very bad news for you

Terrific. I don't have enough of that at work lately. You have selected Tyrone Willingham. That is indeed terrible news and very expensive news. After winning a Pac-10 title with Stanford and flaming out at Notre Dame, Ty Willingham then took the University of Washington coaching position. Did he? Did he really? I wouldn't say he took it. He didn't have it. He didn't really do.

take it there wasn't much to take no not when he was left um and then went 11 and 37 there oh and 12 in his final season and finished with a win percentage of 2.229 so you're telling me he's consistent i'm i'm saying that hell i'm saying that the more this has already put me in a bad The morning's trading has put you behind the ape ball and you are going to need all the alpha you can muster to get out there and make some money back. I'm going to pop the collar of my fleece vest and, oh shit, fleece vests are powerless against Ty Willing him. He just keeps getting more money. Your fleece vest is fully a blaze at this point. He's a part-time golf coach.

He knows how to master that. Oh, no. If you could have shorted yourself, you should have done it. And I don't. So let's see if coach do you. I hate that we use the shorted. self-joke and we've already used terry bowden let's see if coach d can help you out and and help you get a little bit back here okay keep those kneecaps intact from a smile on your face i'm guessing

that's not going to happen coach d going into this a 103 22 and one seven fuller share conference titles six bowl games and or playoff appearances coach d the d stands for dan no no no no I take this back. You have selected, I'm afraid you cannot cancel this order. Your broker has already processed this. Terribly. Dan Hawkins. Wow.

Can I tell you my favorite Dan Hawkins story? Yes. Which is that one time after I smashed my finger in a sliding door chasing a dog through the house and broke it. We had like a swinging door between the kitchen and the dining room and I grasped the door. frame in an attempt to propel myself after this no-account dog high champ and just broke like a bunch of knuckles at once I showed up to the Peach Bowl the SEC championship game something in the Georgia dome with like a heavily bandaged hand happened to be seated next to Dan Hawkins uh who was doing I want to say CBS radio at the time and he said what happened to your paw there and

I said, oh, it was a bar fight. And you could tell that he did not believe me at all, but he acted as though he did. And I like that about Dan Hawkins. There, I have said something nice about Dan Hawkins. Well, Dan Hawkins, after... Where is he now? Amends, I will tell you.

Because now I'm concerned that, I don't know, he might end up at Tennessee. After immense success at Boise State and his first gig got Willamette, Dan Hawkins We know it's Willamette Guys don't email Willamette Guys we know it's Willamette

Don't email me He then went 39 and 55 With stops at Colorado And his current job UC Davis With two bowl games that span He's been better at UC Davis Than he was in Colorado

He has He gets to live at UCD Man he's got He's got a gig You know what? No no no no no Tell me all these stops again I know where this is going

uh-huh he willamett boise colorado uc davis dan hawkins has got life figured the fuck out yeah he does he really does he's only lived pretty places right pretty much yep he really has he's done like the opposite of mark dantonio's coaching career

and he's gotten paid to leave every job he's ever left presumably too right yeah yeah so well i'm sorry y'all Dan Hawkins is leading at life and the rest of us are just playing for second. Well, like a lot of CEOs that you shouldn't have invested in, he's absconded with the goods and left you with a 414 win percentage, which is, yes, better than 2.29, which is what you were sitting on with just Ty Willingham in the portfolio. Holly, you need somebody, you need a whale, okay? You need a, you need a black swan. You need some kind of... I need a black swan. Do you know what a black swan means?

Just let them ask me. It's an investing term. I think we've established that Spencer's grasp of the animal world is tenuous at best. Is Black Swan an investing term? Yeah, Nassi Tlead. Yeah, no, it is. Go look it up. Anyway.

I will not look it up. Yeah. That's offensive to me. You need, you need. Need a black swan. You need an era. You need an era defining value. Did you mean, hold on.

Did you mean golden goose? No, I did not. You two are laughing at me? Yes, we are. You either need to bet. You need to either have the short sell of your life or you need to find an asset of such immense value that it can actually balance out all this stank

that is currently sitting in the portfolio. That doesn't make any sense regarding anything I know about black swans. Oh, there is something that he's kind of right. I told you. He's not exactly right. When does it rise up and kill all men? You either need the event that only you can predict

or the asset that only you can find. Neither of these is a black swan. That's not really what it means, but it's fine. Dance, dance until you die. Keep laughing. I am. So, fortunately for you, your final pick is Coach B. Coach B coming into this, you picked them up at 73 and 32.

This is the one that I just thought looked interesting. Oh, boy. You should lean into that in future picks. No conference titles, two bowl games. That coach, you've selected a young Bobby Bowden coming out of West Virginia. No, I don't like that either. Well, you're going to like that 304 97 and 4 record at Florida State with 12 conference titles, two national championships, and 30 bowl games. I guess, yeah.

With a 750 win percentage. Well, he does have that going for him. that all by itself mostly i'm just mad i gotta tell you out of the three of these guys i'm gonna take dan hawkins because i feel like i can learn something from him i don't think it's necessarily going to be anything about football but that's true you sir i mean where do bobby badden choose to spend 30 years of his life tallahassee yeah advantage advantage dan hawkins still by the numbers that put you even with the immense talents of bobby bowden trying to single-handedly pull into the black, finish in the red

at... Bobby Bowden trying to what now? Single-handedly, yeah, what? That's not a thing that I ever heard about Bobby Bowden. 464. You're at 464 for the total. Now, you should know, Spencer, Black Swan event. When it comes to money, that's never a thing that I heard about Bobby Bowden.

Black Swan event is indeed a term in the financial world, but it is only bad. And it only refers to unpredictable unpredictable events that can have incredibly severe consequences. They are very rare and everyone insists. Because the source of this term is.

Yeah. So like the example, and I'm looking at Investopedia here, some examples, the 2008 housing crisis, the dot-com bubble of 2001, hyper, the largest hyperinflation in 21st century history in 2008 Zimbabwe yeah it's not good a black swan event is not something that is like widely

understood as good it is something that is something you can bet or hedge against the other way a la la the big short no I understand listen I have also seen a movie I just

Ryan has it's breaking Ryan has seen a movie I just think the way by the way we're through fast four we're on to fast five soon um i just oh good you've seen the good have you seen the second half of of fast four have you watched all of fast five no we haven't watched fast five yet i haven't watched fast five yet we're going too soon will you just let me know when you do so that i can watch it at the same time yes i will keep you posted but i just like okay it's fine spencer knows things he's very smart tell me tell me what happened with fast four though was i right oh listen boy very hard to watch

That end scene, can you see, with the advantage of what I assume is Blu-ray and the advantage of much better screens than I watched it on in theaters, can you tell what is happening in the final, like 30 minutes of that movie? Only barely. Only slightly. Anyway. All right. So I, I'm not feeling great about how I'm going to go here. You know what? Your first one, I'm going to tell you this. I think you're going to feel pretty good about it. about your first one. Okay. Okay. Maybe not for the performance on the field,

but I think spiritually, you're calling. Oh boy. I can't wait to hear what Spencer thinks Ryan's spiritual. I wanted you to pick this one. Okay. And you did. And I'm thrilled you did. Because frankly, there's more value there

than I thought there was, right? Like it was already right. And then I looked at the numbers and I'm like, not too bad, man. Coach E was your first selection. Coach E has a record of 51 at 54 with two bowl games. And zero.

Zero Conference Championships. Not exactly spectacular, but yeah, maybe a play against expectations toward a glorious return here. Not exactly glorious returns, not exactly massive. But I will also say, not exactly unimpressive either. You selected Coach Brady Hoke out of San Diego State. Oh, what did he think he was going? What did he think he picked?

I'm sorry, that's funny for sentimental reasons. Oh, you're right. Right. You're right. And his record's not terrible. I feel like I can at least stay above the 500 line here with this. No, you forget. You forget, by the way, that in, in relief in Tennessee, in two games and in his tenure at Michigan. Have I not suffered enough? I had to add them. They're part of the record. They're part of the Brady Hope fossil record. Remember when he tried to get the job based on my laundry brunch. Uh-huh. Yep. Those are not wins. How do he do? How do he do? He ended up with a record of 31 and 22, with three bowl games, zero conference championships, and a 584 win percentage, right? Is that including his most recent return stint at San Diego State this year? It is not. It is not. I did not. So I've been cheated.

You've been cheated? I've been cheated by the market. Once again. we have we have we have we have stricken that from the record we canceled that order these we halted the regularities in the market Elizabeth Warren I am I am asking you do what our nation needs and cancel the shutdown forecast once and for all Ryan do the do the Bernie meme but do it in the Brady Hope voice I'm asking you my favorite part about this specific impression is that it is not at all of what Brady Hokes sounds like,

but it's what he should sound like. Yes, yes. That's why it's good. All right. So, all right. So I'm just above 500 with Brady. Yeah,

but man, you're like I said, you're profitable. Okay. I'll take it. I'll take it. All right. Then you selected as your next asset,

Coach Gee. This is going to be bad. This is going to be so bad. Yeah. 19 and 7 with two bowl games and a conference title and a 731 win percentage. And based on that, Brian hit that hook like a hungry bass on a cold morning. The problem was I knew. Right at it.

The problem was he just don't. I'm proud of you. You went for it. It's not a fearless. You said fuck the haters and you bought it. You took the chance. The problem is it's not. And you got Scott Frost.

Oh my God. And I love you for that because you just did it, man. Man, spend it the day on Reddit Wall Street has made you into a completely different person and it's not a person that I hate I love it I love it you know what it's a person that I hate but this is good radio you're taking it on the chin and that's fine man sometimes you're speaking of Reddit Wall Street sometimes sometimes you just got to go in there take your whooping sometimes you got to take it on the chin he's literally he's literally never had a winning

season at Nebraska I thought you were going to say he's literally never had a chin fuck yeah scott frost 12 and 20 Nebraska fans you can reach me at steven godfrey 38 godfrey on twitter with a 375 win percentage there that is where scott is hanging so you're you're gonna need a comeback for coach c here okay coach c if you'll recall 43 22 and 1 no conference title and winless in four bowl games I feel a little bit better about this one, and I'm ready to get hurt again. No, no, no, no, no. You should, because I will tell you, I don't think you're going to come back and time me for sure win percentage.

But I will say two things, that if we were actually putting together a formula that made sense here. One, Holly, by volume, pulled by far the best value pick in landing Bobby Bowden. Sure. And in terms of long-term performance. But I'm still mad about it, so this is a good game. You pulled IBM, right? Like, basically, you bought IBM in the, like, 50s. And longstanding ties to Nazis.

Yeah, that meant that. Right. This all tracks, right? And eventual obsolescence. It's all there. Ryan just pulled by far the most prestigious one. You know, I don't really know how to quantify that. Okay.

Yeah. But because the coach that Ryan pulled, by taking coach C is the Michigan State coach who went to LSU and won LSU's first national title of the 21st century. And then later coached Alabama and did okay there. Yeah, you pulled McSabin, son. Fuck. Yeah. Talk about selling short.

This is a good, there you go. There I knew. I knew it would fucking work. So now I can have a staff of Nick Saban head coach, Scott Frost, see Brady Hook D.C. No, make Nick the DC. Okay. And Brady, and Brady your head, because you want your head, Brady. First of all, let's make it clear that I'm in charge here and I've earned this responsibility. Oh, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, you have an advantage either way when you think about it because either Brady Hope does all your press conferences

or Sabin's in charge and that means Scott Frost is never allowed to talk. Oh, no. Not once. and and every time he complains about something next like just shut the fuck come on just do your goddamn job so i i i even factored in his lackluster year and tenure at uh years and tenure at lSU where heaven forbid he actually went eight and four a couple times uh yeah nick savin since coming from Michigan State is 213 and 39 with seven national titles and 19 bowl games yeah man you did well that pulled you all the way up all things all the other things aside that single pick right there pulled you up to eight six oh one that's fine I'm fine with that a six oh one Holly did we figure out your staffing of who would who would do what since you had tie willingham dan hawkins and bobby badden just put bobby in charge bobby is going to be in charge because you know what's most important to me when putting together a coaching staff i want these

players to get paid fair fair yeah well done dan hawkins will be in charge of vibes no yeah bobby is in charge Ty will coach golf yeah Bobby tell you what Bobby is in charge of football

Ty is in charge of Olympic sports and Dan's in charge of intermurals Perfect great pick brother great pick I was going to say

Dan Hawkins is just going to teach me how to live man we're going to he's going to learn how to like somehow I get the sense that Dan Hawkins

makes a delicious piaa no recipe he just he pulls a tiny packet of saffron threads from inside his quarters that you're like where did you get that he's like oh man i'm a whitewater rafting instructor on weekends isn't that when the games are yeah it is i i don't know that this isn't the worst way to lit that this isn't the best way to live especially now man You mean, Bees being Bobby Badden. Yeah. That's a low bar.