Shutdown Fullcast - STOOPS! There It Is! - Week 6 Reviewed

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

We discuss: - Why Mike Stoops Was Barely Making It On 950K a Year - Why Spencer should shut the hell up about being happy because he doesn't know the meaning of pain - The joy of watching Paul Johnson sit on a grudge for 12 damn years - Mizzou/South Carolina was the most important game of the week because dear god, did you see half the bullshit that happened in that game Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. Do we have breaking news? We actually have breaking news, Jason, tonight. This would be Sunday after week 6th. That would be October 7th, 2018. We have actual college football news. We got breaking news. We go live through our correspondence,

our men's coaches lifestyle blog, stuffcoaches like.com. It's coaching news. for men for men for men breaking the important news that oklahoma defensive coordinator mike stoop's been unfairly terminated um a coach was fired it's a sad day for all in the profession our hearts go out to all affected coaches however this is also a great day because it means a new coach is getting a job that's true that's true somebody who's the great circle of coaching life for men Somebody wise. Somebody forthright. Someone intelligent. Someone who can lead.

Whichever rich man is given this great job, he'll deserve it. And Mike Stoops, it's sad. I don't know how he'll feed his family without the six-figure income that Oklahoma provides. Don't look up his buyout. That's just, it's shameful to bring up a buyout when a fellow coach has been fired. How is one possibly capable of making? ends meet in Norman, Oklahoma for just $950,000 a year. It's just sinister what these schools do to these coaches, such as us, such as, such as me and such as you. Holly, of course, is not a coach because she's not a man.

No. No. She does the things that women do to support coaches, which is like raised children we don't remember the names of. I make funeral potatoes and provide emotional support. Yeah. And occasionally fix zone blitzes when they're asleep. Shout out to Aaron and funeral potatoes, Twitter.

I see you. Funeral potatoes! As always, when it comes to women, you can click on our site, Stuffcoaches Like.com for 10 laws for a coach's wife, written by a man. Written by a... Wait, is this real? Kind of. It's stuffcoaches like.com.

It's our coach's lifestyle blog for men. If this is real, you can't show me this ever. No, we really can't. Okay. You can't show me this. Don't ever. Do not happy with this. this can't be in my life

yeah Mike Stoops is out that's that's what you need who replaces him is going to be worse at one thing banging his knees on the tiny little school desk that they sit him in in the booth every time he jumps out of his seat in rage

which is a lot there will be a noticeable downtick in hopping my favorite jack in the box there are a couple things about this one before we actually had a little bit of prep talk, like at least three minutes of prep talk about how we were going to talk about this.

And one point I have seen, the trigger for this, by the way, as with all great changes at the University of Oklahoma, they lost to Texas. Can't do that. No, no, no, no. Actually, you can't. You can do that in grandiose fashion. You just, you can't, you know, you can't do it to this Texas team. because it's very hard to hide, right?

Like, who's to blame here? Because Oklahoma, last year when Georgia beat Oklahoma, what was the general take that you thought when you watched those two teams? What was your thought about whether they belonged on the same field? They did. Yeah.

Yeah. I think one sort of takeaway is that, well, gosh, if Oklahoma was like 1% better at defense, it probably would have had a 50-50 shot at a national title last year. Yeah, because we're all pretty sure that Oklahoma offense would have put it on Alabama, right? I think they would have made Bama work for it, that's for sure. That's the kind of offense that basically Alabama is designed not to face. They don't want any piece of that because the times, the very rare times,

when Alabama, our current football overlord has actually lost in competition. and they have lost to offense as much like Lincoln Riley is at Oklahoma. You had seen Tua get subbed in in like 45 seconds. It's like, oh, fuck. We're down 21-0. Can I say something nice about Bama? Yeah.

I really admire, and this is not sarcasm. It's something that I aspire to myself and have not been able to satisfactorily arrange in my own life. I deeply admire their commitment to just not doing shit they don't want to do. It's true. It's true. They're like, we have to play offense. fine

or you know like it's something I admire in other teams I'm supposed to dislike like Florida for example no we're not leaving the state is cold yeah or this Alabama with kickers ain't recruiting one nah no no no can't yeah

don't you guys need to really devote a scholarship to a kick nah we do not yeah it's not like a billionaire doesn't own belts what happens if my pants fall down just buy a new pair and like I mean if you really run it back we did a post

a few months ago, but like, for all the jokes about Bama kickers, can you name all the games they've lost because of kickers? Well, there's the one. And, and then there's a bunch of jokes and games that were really just at the most incidental to their overall performance, right? Like, ha ha, they missed a kick in a game they won by 23. Right. Like, this year, their kicking is horrible. They've missed, I think, it's, it would barely be an exaggeration to say Bama's missed a kick every game this year, which granted, they score a fucking lot of touchdown. so nobody's perfect but gonna say that's that's

pole pimping to worry about field goals of your Bama one kind of scoring I'm glad they fixed that kind those poor those poor downtrodden offenses yeah of Tescaloosa but generally yeah

I think Jason's getting to the point I really unfairly set him up to illustrate which is if Oklahoma were you know 3% better on all on defense they would have won that game against Georgia or that whenever Oklahoma's had a significant failing,

it hasn't been with the offense. No, it's been like this. If I told you, hey, man, we scored 48 points. You should probably win that game, right? Nah, nah, because Georgia beat Oklahoma 54, 48. Or if I go, well, you know, we should, you know, like if you score 42 points, you know, you should be able to win that game or 45 points.

and you know what, Oklahoma did score 45 points on Texas. Texas, you know, came in and they scored 48 points. Does anyone recall what their average was on the season, points-wise? Not quite that. Nah, it was like 28, 27, 28 points somewhere in there. That's less. That is less. That's less. Did say a bunch of like 220-pounders come in and try to run 10-minute drives on you in Norman?

Can you get them off the field? Maybe one out of like five tries? or do they just get to just march, just let the troops march up and down the field? Yeah, that's, you don't go to overtime against Army and Norman, right? If everything is, is okay. Additionally, like, there are a lot of sort of negatives here and a lot of, like, holdouts and from the Stoops era

that are probably now just sort of unfolding that Lincoln took over, and he's like, I can't fire Bob's brother. Lincoln's been there a minute. If you want to know the exact moment, which Lincoln and Riley felt like he could fire Bob's brother and the program was his, that'd be Sunday, October 7th, 2018. Man, probably around like 7 p.m. When he's like, yeah, we talked to the lawyers.

Yeah, I bet he did. He's a coach, come on. Lincoln's not stupid. Yeah, he probably thought. He probably did the math, and he was like, via this equation, I can't fire you till games equal X plus Y time. Until the points meter fills up. Yeah.

And it was a big meter. Now, just to bring this discussion about Oklahoma football back where it belongs to the SEC, you realize that Mike is just going to go crying to Mark now, so maybe we'll have Kentucky taken care of us before, you know, we have to worry about them too much more. Kentucky games go from like 28 total points in regulation to but Kentucky keeps using the same offense Like the Big 12 just erupted in Lexington

It's crazy Kentucky's in a damn single wing shootout Dangest thing I've ever seen I would kind of love to see this And I'm not joking Yeah I mean if we just I would find this massively entertained If you just go back an overall acumen

Let me just remind you like you know Arizona had Rob Grancowski and Nick Foles Mike Stoop still had a losing record there Like That was not a client that was well suited for his complexion. That's, no.

What am I going to remember most about the Mike Stoops era, though, besides him making $950,000 a year to allow 48 points to a demonstrably mediocre Texas offense? What? During thickness of skin. That and they could never figure out where to put him. Always, man, he looked and acted like a boiled baby at all times. He did. And if they put him on the sidelines, like he was hopping around uncontrollably.

and then they'd move him up to the booth because he could see things better up there reader he could not do you remember my idea that we had while watching this game which was to put him in a dunk tank on the sidelines oh yeah yeah

just if they allowed a touchdown now into the dunk tank there you never learn you know and it's not like he's so goddamn mad the whole all the water just steams out he needs to find some way to channel this emotion towards his job and not towards yelling like if he took all that energy that he's expending

through his mouth and put it to work inside his head instead i'm not a scientist or a doctor but men don't need those this is just uh like an internally screaming meme just like take all that screaming and point it inside your own brain. I'm just picturing Mike Stoops' face, not moving. Like a man. Like a coach. Bary it all deep down. Bottle it up, tamp it down, and let it all come flying out at an inopportune moment, brought

on by a largely unrelated trigger. Let it all fester and take it out in the voting booth on the libs. That's right. I feel bad about the home of defense. That's why I'm going to vote to believe that Global MoMA. warming isn't real. Which it's not. I think America should have a generalissimo.

And he should be a coach, the coach of America, so to speak. Have I said on this program before that I believe women should only be allowed to drive buggies and then only when they're topless. You said that. I definitely did. Grocery buggies, to be specific. No, I mean like horse and buggies. Horse and buggies at the grocery store.

You know what? A 12 pack. Well, all the horses have to be male. Those are their supervising horses. The only part of this law I'm remotely okay with is the idea that any kind of buggy is the only preferred vehicle, period. Dune buggies. Dune buggies.

There's not enough dune buggies on the road, period. Okay? I think people should wear whatever manner of dress they want to while they're driving. They're dune buggy, but still. I mean, technically, this is a new dune buggying law. I think we can all get on board with nude dune buggying law. I think we can all get on board with nude dune. dune buggying.

And you know what? Do you hate freedom? This is one where like it came from a bad place. Like it came from stuffcoaches like.com, which is just a terrible cesspool of bad opinions. But once you throw out let's all dune buggy naked, I'm like, okay, stuffcoaches like.com. Yeah. Seriously. Is this a real website?

It will be. Okay. We're about to. You're all scared me. The launch is, um, we got to get Mike Stoops a job. Yeah. How are they going to, how are they going to eat? I mean, he can't eat these touchdowns.

They're already spoiled. Mutchell who can't live on yardage. They can't. They're going to feel pressure like a defensive end who never arrives on a pass rush. You got to bring him some bags of food because he doesn't have any sacks. Yeah. It sounds like we're aiding just because we haven't figured out how to be that bad at our jobs while making that much money. You're absolutely right.

That's correct. That's it. Or to have our brother be way better at our jobs than we are. Man, I still think the best Stoops, the best Stoops' brother gig is, what's his name, Ron? The one who's at the high school? Yeah. That's the one you want, man. Just chill and be like the Stoops who's like, no, I'm committed to football.

He's got their dad's job, right? That's their dad's old team. Yeah, and it's like, I'm committed to football at the purest level, high school. Yeah, man. Also, you know you never have to host Thanksgiving. because everybody else got a nicer house, did you? It's no pressure lifestyle

and you still get to be around football. Yeah. So just going back, in case you wonder whether the Red River shootout still matters or not, I don't know, got the brother

of your most successful coach in modern history fired. Tadda! I count modern as back to Barry Switzer. Barry Switzer is an ancestral figure like Abraham. Well, yeah. Yeah, I think.

moderns fair moderns yeah but that rivalry just in case you wonder whether you can still get fired over a rival or game hell yes son

you can get fired I mean talk about that game too if you want because if you look at it then yeah you would have fired somebody if you're Oklahoma actually what would have been really funny is if Texas is a one night game

and Texas A&M had fired somebody not that they're rivals that's why it would have been funny the joke is that they're not rivals and they don't cry themselves to sleep at night thinking about each other's arms. Texas makes a playoff and they fire Jimbo on site. Just because we, not because the Texas. You turn your ass right back around.

We'll pay you 75 mil. We'll pay the next man 75 mil after four games if we don't like it. This is going to sound like overly facile even for this program, but it didn't really hit me until Saturday that Jimbo is an SEC coach. now and all the bullshit cult of personality that goes with it oh look where he is too yeah there was something about saturday that really drove that home for me that i hadn't really absorbed before for some reason that and uh that and struggling to a to a late win over kentucky that was probably what did it yeah yeah that's probably when you're like you're real

SEC because you go You're struggling against Because you're struggling You're down here With the rest of us Oh God damn I also enjoy that

In Texas and Oklahoma Right First of all Mike Stubbs will probably Get hired by Texas A and I'm as a consultant Just on theory right Just in case we play the Longhorns

Yeah Just in principle They're like well Not that we ever would Oklahoma fired him Because something Texas did I don't know Let's hire him for 500K a year

To just sit there just to make actually man if i had the money and lord knows they have the money i would do this just on the off chance that it might make someone i didn't like nervous absolutely like oh they've got our plays oh we gave him a jeffy bowden fellowship he's just playing fortnight i bet jeffatin's a badass fortnight player well he's got to be good at something uh the the the points total is one thing thing. Texas came into this game being a fairly pedestrian offense.

Yeah. Do you want to know, Sam Ellinger? Have you seen Sam Ellinger pass the ball? Not many times, no. T-bo-ish. Yeah. A little T-boish with the touch. He's a little timid.

If you will. That's good. Thank you. Sam Ellinger not exactly the most polished passer in the world against Oklahoma Sam Ellinger was second coming of Aaron Rogers

U.S. He fast for 314 yards and two TDs. I bet that is the best total that they get all year, which is again sort of a thing with Mike Stoops that if you look back and go, man, that guy had a great game that game.

Look who they played. Yeah. he's just making young men's careers and I think I think that's honorable just giving these young men special you know special memories the best day of my life involved Mike Stoops

you hear that a lot additionally I think when you come back and you score 28 points in the second half to play yourself back into a game where you were down substantially your coach slash de facto offensive coordinator he's going to have a little he's going to be a little bitter about how that went man he's going to have feelings about it about how you helped him squander that lead in losing two only your most bitter rival historically speaking yeah yeah

this was happening for a while like here's how bad mike stoops is i had gone ahead and In the weekly ball projections, I had taken Oklahoma out. I didn't have them in the playoff last week, and sure as shit, you know, didn't this week. But as soon as I saw Mike Stoops is out, I'm like, hmm. Let's see here. Let's see how we can get the Sooners back in this thing. Because, like, you know, they got, who they got? They got Ruffin McNeils on staff, right?

He could surely. He's a pretty good coach. Yeah. I mean, look, ECU fell apart without him. I'm sure he could handle things. They got Bob Diaco. He could be sort of a motivation consultant, you know, if you need a rivalry trophy with Iowa State or something.

They should put Bob Diaco. Oh, I got to think about this for a minute. Would it be worth it just to have Bob Diaco in the office with the video guys, like just creating trophy memes? Because, like, now that we know how much it irritates people to have a one-sided trophy, just have that be his thing. Just make them up for different teams and leave them wherever they go. It's yours! No, it's not.

I, it's the kind of thing where I go, wow, you know, Ruffin McNeil, I know that, like, Ruffin McNeil was, D.C. at Texas Tech and Ruffin McNeil was a good head coach at East Carolina. and had a winning record and yeah Carolina will be cursed forever for letting him go as rightly fucking they should be yeah yeah 100% and yeah this is this is addition by subtraction for Oklahoma also ruffin McNeil and and whoever else is going to help him resurrect the defense at Oklahoma they probably won't have former players chiming out on Twitter to go yeah it's This game's trash. Was it Tony Jefferson?

Is that the one? That's one of them, yeah. Multiple players. Yeah, I think the big, big example was against Baylor, I think two or three years ago when Oklahoma was playing, I mean, it looked like some shit that if somebody did it to you in Madden, you'd be like, seriously, bro, are you trying to, what's happening here? Like, the corners were playing a solid 10 to 15 yards off the line.

I'm barely exaggerating, and Baylor's just eating them up underneath and just kept refusing to scoot the guys in at all. It was like the most, it was the kind of thing where it's so bad that even you as an amateur sitting on the couch, you're like, I literally could be doing a better job than this right now, and I'm not even joking. I adore that Tony Jefferson, by the way, kept tweeting about it and kept going despite his former coaches trashing him. not only prior to the combine, but

afterwards, and Tony Jefferson at one point tweets out, Coach Venables, that'd be Brett Venables over at Clemson, former OU defensive coordinator. Again, proving he's the best defensive coordinator in the NCAA. There's no question. Wish he never left OU.

I bet that's a pretty common sentiment. But yeah, like, when you have former players pointing out basic, like, structural things, like, you probably don't want one guy covering an entire half of the field by himself against three receivers. Just a thought. Just a thought.

I would say they should let the players coach defense, but then they'd have to pay them. $950,000. Yeah. But a Mike Stoops just doesn't come along every day. Thank God. I have another thing to discuss that I'm not quite ready for, but I have to address it.

Is this about you beat LSU and you have to shut up about your fine, totally fine coach for a little bit? Yeah! Yeah, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. Yeah, we know. I can't feel my hands.

I can't feel my face. I love that even in defeating LSU, you frame it as a personal struggle that makes your life harder. It makes it, it doesn't. That's the part that I'm struggling with. The difficulty I'm having is a lack of difficulty here. I mean, you're acting like Florida has just been like completely, down trod and off the map for decades. When were you last number

15? I bet it was in the last what, four years. Something like that? 2014. You poor thing. Something like that. Hey, listen. I'm not telling you... No, no. You don't know the meaning of suffering.

You were number 8 in 2015. At one point. At one point on Saturday, you were belliating about some tiny fucking thing and I looked at you and I was trying to boil down my argument to the essential component parts and I think what I landed on was just yelling

it's stupid for you to feel bad this team finished number 14 two years ago this is normal Florida's always been fine you've had two terrible years in the last my lifetime now Jason we do have to remember that as a young

football program not even one that is not even one that just started in 19 30 years old. Yeah. That they haven't experienced life, like those of us in our 30s. I mean, we didn't hire Derek Dooley.

Spencer, of course, is much older than Florida football. That's true. I came along as a babe in arms. And had an entire life before Florida football actually came to being in 1990. But still. Hey, speaking of young programs, your Plankham. Owls are going to be number two in FCS now. Number two.

Oh, one program in the state of Georgia. Yeah, how did Kennesaw State do? Man, I'll tell you what. Y'all have got to get on this mode. We are in the shittiest conference and it has like five teams. We just annihilate each of them and then play like D2 schools

and annihilate them to. It's awesome, man. The shit is like 49 to 3 every week. The next week we'll be favored by like 37. It's awesome. and like other fans are like y'all don't play anybody and it's like this doesn't matter to me at all there's there's conference auto bid we beat five shitty teams and we go to the playoff you can say nothing to me that's

going to harm my like strength of schedule manhood the big 10 weather quibbler no this goes back to what I was thinking about Alabama y'all don't do things you don't want to do and I admire that we don't want to play nobody yeah you just sit there punting gerbils off a bridge. Yeah, watch us gerbil fly. It's too good and gerbils suck. It's like, you know, when you're playing NCAA,

the fun thing is like, I'm going to take over, you know, I'm going to take over Mitsu and I'm going to put them in the SEC West and we're going to try to win a national title in five years. This is the opposite. This is when you, like,

create a conference that's like you and three Mitsues, and that's it. Oh, so the big 12. Oh, so the big 12. basically the big 12th that's awesome you're like a bargain texas fan we have fun here that's awesome no i should get more on the plankonia thing but i i have no complaint too busy belly aching i'm not belly no i'm knowing the meaning of suffering i'm saying we can we can get off the oh poor poor me stuff and just say hey we're all fans of good teams here i i'm man if you're going to

feel sorry for somebody feel sorry for ryan that's that's true what's his problem oh he's sick is that we're talking about. He's not on the forecast tonight because I believe that he's having a war like anatomically speaking there's a war in the trenches. Yeah. For Ryan.

Between his immune system and a hard charging viral defensive line working its way through his lower quarter. Yeah. Ryan is unwell. Ryan's not well. he'll be fine. He'll be fine. He's not. If you're not well enough to podcast on this podcast, you're really not well. That's what I'm saying. If there were a podcast that could be done from the toilet, it would be this one. Don't tell me you've never done this. I can't say for sure, but I don't think it's happened. Have you ever done a radio hit from the toilet? Yes. I mean, you can do that on your cell phone, so you can do that shit anywhere. Yeah, that's, you don't want to know the number of.

brilliant blogs written, you know, on the John. So you're calling Ryan a quitter. Not in this case. I'm saying that if he can't actually do that, it must be bad, right? Yeah. It's got to be terrible. But speaking of

teams that shit the bed... We're... Listen, Ryan may may have may have had some sort of a defecatory issue today. cannot confirm that he actually shit a bed we'll just go ahead and say

he did that's fine we're now assuming that Ryan has shit a bed yeah but does we still have to put the podcast together I don't know let's hope he doesn't listen to it it would be he'd be a fool to listen to it folks when you hear this remember to tweet

at uh tweet at at 38 godfrey about shitting the bed yes but speaking of teams I shot the bed this weekend which overall this weekend was um Jason I thought you thought it was kind of you described as being kind of like a lokey boring it was a it was a totally like

it was a fake blood week it was like a Hollywood blood you know it was like it was like wrestling blood you know yeah like all the major characters survived like we've come up with this term for like the weekend of the season we call it blood week And this was like, oh, I bladed my forehead, so it looked like, you know, like true blood week. This was blood capsule week. Like, yes, I think it was seven or eight top 25 teams lost.

Five top 14 teams lost to lesser ranked teams, but not a single one was shocking. Like, okay, Michigan State lost a ugly, gross, close game against, like, Shadow Michigan State, which is Northwestern. Even that was characteristic of Michigan State loss. Yeah, exactly, that's what I'm saying. They lost a game in Michigan State fashion. Yeah, like, oh, Oklahoma State lost a weird shootout. Never seen that before, you know. Yeah.

Or like, like, oh, Auburn couldn't score any points. I can't believe it. Yeah, what, it's an off year. It's a fire gust year, right? I also feel like this was like the second, maybe the third week in a row when it felt like there were about two thirds, the number of games that they're should be like half the country's on a buy or something we got we got teams just sneaking through the season not playing the damn games we're going to look at west virginia's being the

playoff at four and oh it's about personal responsibility y'all need to start fulfilling these commitments we didn't rent out the stadium just if you did not show up we actually did run out the stadium to own the lives actually and there are a couple of uh there are a couple of teams that even, I think, got fake threatened along the way, right? Like, Alabama gave up some crazy total of points in yardage to Arkansas. Third week in the row. Bamma failed to cover. Yeah, it was a sign.

They're weak. They're quitters. Now's the time to strike. Whoever's that's next time. Wait, look at their schedule. Yeah, now's the time to strike. Now the time to strike. UL.L.

Auburn. Yeah, no. It's not. Yeah, it's not happening. Yeah, like, there were teams that did fake bleeding like that. Notre Dame for a minute, struggled with Virginia Tech before hitting the after burners, right? There was a lot of that. Ohio State played Indiana, and you know exactly how that goes every year.

We got them on the ropes, boys. Oh. Like George Foreman against Ali, like I hit him as hard as I could. And Ali says, is that all you got, George? George was like, yep, that's all I got. It's got like one of George's many sons named George against Ali. Yeah, George Jorgetta. Just wailing.

Yeah, Indiana ran out. Indiana ran out of Indiana. Indiana only has so much Indiana to compete with that much Ohio State. And it turns out of Ohio State has a lot more Ohio State. Even though they did keep giving up big plays, that's all Greg Shiana's defense does. Just give up big plays. Big NFL type plays. an NFL type defense to college coordinators and players who won't even touch the CFL.

That's all Ohio State does. Big professional, like Greg Shigano was watching, like, NFL matchup, like, after he'd been up for four hours at 6.30 a.m. And he's like, the NFL thing now is giving up lots of big plays. Okay. I can do that. That's huge. Look at these people who play the Chiefs. They're all giving up huge plays.

Actually, he doesn't talk like that. He's got, like, that really raspy voice. Anyway, I'm sure we'll have plenty more chances to talk about Greg Shianna of this season. That's it. Well, Mike Stoves just got fired, didn't he? So guess who's next up, brother? Yeah, who's the next defensive coordinator under major scrutiny? I imagine everyone in Ohio will be real patient with him because he's got big traps and tucks his shirt in.

No, that just makes him family, and you'd expect more. Yeah, he's a cultural fit. Yeah, it is a cult. Yeah, culturally, he's white. Yeah, Gregiano's white. He's a big, weird guy who likes diseases. Yeah. We like diseases.

He seems like he does things the right way. Yeah. He's a one-man CDC consultant. It makes it sound like a scientist, yeah. Greg Chiano's Petri dish. I adore this Ohio State team for that, though, because they have this absolutely overrated meat head of a coach who yes was martyred by people unfairly robbing the tennessee job from him doing doing people of favor both ways okay that's what that was all right my team was on violence week we don't

have to say shit that's right well yeah my other team back um back in the days when people didn't get jobs they wanted because of uh allegations in their past With that, by the way, Tennessee doesn't have a buy week next week. They play Auburn, and I'm here to tell you something. No, I'm here to plant. I'm just here to stake this ground early. Why are you like this? They're going to beat Auburn.

I don't think that's a compliment to either team. They're just going to beat Auburn. Stop it. No. Because we originally started this segment talking about teams that were going to shit the bed. If newspapers still existed, I would roll one of them. and get you on a nose with it. Well, you'd hit me unlike anyone

on the Auburn offense aiming for me because Auburn Auburn's sick. They are infirm. This was my favorite opening line in the week. Auburn opened as a 20-point favorite against Tennessee, and everyone immediately

was like, Auburn scoring 20 points. They won't score 20. Yeah, there won't be 20 points. That line immediately plummeted. Yeah. because let's just put it this way okay Nick Fitzgerald passed for 69 yards

nice thank you he passed for 69 yards because I don't know what Joe Moorhead is demanding of his quarterback but at one point in the whole process in Starkville Joe Moorhead was like listen Nick

just don't worry about passing bro we don't just we're just running a single wing it's fine which is fine because they ran for 349 yards on Auburn and in response Armin ran for 90 90 90 in the run first hurry up no huddle single wing attack that Gus Malzon so adores and was so vaunted and respected for bringing into the game and at one point worked really well at this point it's basically just asking Jarrett's did him to throw the ball 40 times a game for like five yards pop that's that's where they're at they lost 23 to nine to Mississippi State and it was never

really in doubt y'all Auburn is infirm they are ill they have taken sick they are a bed and need assistance well at least Gus Melza has a 30 million dollar buyout people who chimed in and I was like yeah man this is a fire gus year and people are like they won't fire gus are you unfamiliar with the Malzon cycle are you unfamiliar that there's good gus and bad gus

alternates years that's it we're clearly in a bad cuss here are they going to fire him they're going to want to do they have the money no they don't have the money do you think they're Texas A&M A&M A&M might loan it

just to show that they have it. Oh, man. We're fun to... There's an A&M tactic I had not thought of. Man, that should be an Alabama tactic where they loaned them the money and then foreclose on Auburn. I think that the A&M maneuver is just to say,

hey, Aggies, I bet you don't have $35 million. Huh? Of course we do. There you go. I only want it. Every fucking time. You're poor if you don't buy this car for me, Dad. Huh? Okay.

I ain't poor. how dare you then they hired Jimbo to coach Auburn yeah hell you we're going

to make money on this that's where he wanted to go anyway he's really home now that's his true family yeah

Auburn's terrible y'all like I didn't I didn't think they'd be this bad not in any of the usual ways on the inside but on the outside

where the football is no no no their body's sick like We might complain about the moral complexities of being an Auburn fan, but no, this is a physical disease. This is one if we can't run the ball, and we're relying on Jared Stidham to control our offense.

And it turns out Jared Stidham is not Cam Newton. Well, he might be Cam Newton. It's an ongoing investigation. We'll be investigating that one a while. Yeah, it'll be a minute. I mean, like, Auburn should be good at one thing. If it's bad at everything, it should be good at one thing, running the goddamn ball.

And Auburn is terrible at that. Yeah, this is an off, like a seriously off-brand Auburn team. This is a Texas Tech that can't throw. It's an Iowa that can't punt. This is, what do you have? What do you have to offer the world, Auburn? Yeah, step up, Auburn.

Bring something to the party. At least, you know, bring snacks. That would be it. If you were leading the SEC in snacks, I'd really appreciate that. Not just chips and dips. He says that's just a bag and a carton you buy at the store. I bet Gus cuts an extremely precise orange slice.

I bet he does too. I bet he really worries about it. I could have caught that enough. Who leads the SEC and snacks? Oh, LSU. Yeah. That's more meals, right? That's whole meals, man.

If I was going to go, like, when I think, but what do you think of as good snacks? You know, like dips and various chips and, like, little snacky fried things? because they're suburban like that? Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Unless you still got some solid snacks, y'all. I mean, you know, and that's beyond just the normal sort of pork rinds and boudan balls, you know? Like all their snacks are like nap-induced in though. That's true.

That's heavy. Oh, I'll let you go, Georgia. That's good. You know, if I was... We were talking a few weeks ago about how their superpower is making every space into a comfortable suburban living room, and that just seems like it comes with cheese straws. That's true. Although, you know what?

If I'm going to go with snacks, like just on a fan base... in the SEC, Vanderbilt. You know, why don't they go to the nice grocery store that specializes in overpriced snacks, right? I just get a picnic basket. Yeah, they do. They just grab a picnic basket because they don't actually, like, engage with life.

They just buy packages. Prince paste. Yeah, exactly. You're like, oh, man, you guys got patte. I could eat it with a Dorito and no, it would blink because you're all, you know, you'd be like, no, we're still of the soil.

Interesting use of the subjunctive there. Isn't it, though? Yeah. By the way, Vandy, I want everyone who goes to SEC Media Days next year and goes I think Derek Mason has this program going in the right place I've said this before let me say this again y'all are getting suckered that's fun absolutely suckered it's fun and Derek Mason is cool

but you know what it's still Vanderbilt he's not James Franklin they lost 4113 to Vandy or a lot to Georgia there's a real good argument yeah but yeah they lost 4113 didn't even put up a fight that's it like the most notable achievement of the Derek mason vanderbilt era is being the team that said we wanted bama and then proved very much that you do not want bama that was fun man that's the kind of vanderbilt team i won yeah that was that was that was that was vandy uh contributing in the best possible way okay it's that florida vanderbilt game where they're like four onside kicks and we're back in

this thing. Yeah, you don't want. This is the vandy I want. That's the vanity you want. It's the one that opponents want. It's never good when your opponents or opposing fans or even disinterested observers are like, yeah, give that guy an extension. We'd love to see more of that. That was entertaining.

Speaking of things that outside observers enjoy, but that no one actually emotionally invested did, can we talk about the game of the week? which was South Carolina 37 Missouri

35 which we arrived at in the most insane fashion possible I watched this game today on purpose and rewatched it so I'm just going to list go with me and just list all of the things

that happened in this game I'm going to start with I'm going to start with the first thing that I noticed in this game which would be that there was a monsoon in the third quarter, like a full-on hurricane that only lasted for the quarter. Yeah, there was that.

And not just regular weather. It was hammering the stadium so hard that the scoreboard stopped working. They didn't have a clock. ESPN's clock stopped working. ESPN's cameras, they were stuck on like the stationary cam from super far away. where it looks like a side-scrolling video game where you advance to the next room. You're like, oh, Mazoo completes a 30-yard pass.

Let's go to the next camera. Wow, they're still going, you know? There was at one point, my favorite, like, 30 seconds of this game was ESPN was doing a shot of Steve Spurrier's name on the Ring of Honor. Water is pouring out of the middle of his name. Like, Coach Dun sprung a leak. You had that.

And then you went straight to a ref saying, Missouri's headsets are not working. And like, and now, and this is, like, there was, and then there was a weird pick six

where like, um, Missou player fell down was not there. It looked like a pass directly from Drew Locke to a South Carolina player. Sure. There's huge splashy puddles everywhere. Then there's a long delay. Um,

at one. point there was lots and lots and lots and lots of weird special teams in this game there was an accidental onside kick in like on like the second drive um jason when you say accidental onside kick for our viewers who perhaps did not partake who inexplicably did not partake of this game yeah it was a um it was a shanked kickoff that uh they asked barriotum about it like why'd you do that and he said, well, no, we did not call an on-side kick. It was, and this was before the rain showed up. Like, the special teams got worse from there.

This was, I believe, the first Missou kickoff, was it not? Yeah, this was near the very start of the game. Where everyone else is running forward and the guy like boots an onside, he goes to the sideline. And honestly, the special teams coach didn't even look angry. He just pulled him over to the side. like, what? What? Like, just explain it to me.

And the best part is I watched that, went back and rewound. And five minutes later, the special teams coach is looking at it. I'm going, okay, no, no, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We've got to do this again in two minutes. No, this doesn't happen. Yeah, no, but like you could tell that his reaction had elicited a response from the kicker

so disturbing and world-changing that he had to be like, no, no, no, we're going to get through this. Everything you just did, it's cool. It's cool. We're just going to, just go out and kick the ball, bud. Just go ahead and kick the ball. So Bill Conley helped put together a post that was like one section of it is just running down the weird special teams.

One was there was a 70-yard touchdown run that was called back by, by, it kind of stepped out of bounds, but it was like, come on, it's whatever. Like, it was a very picky reversal. And then immediately there was a whole bunch of penalties. and a like botched punt and like everything just kept getting worse and worse and worse there was like miss field goals a block punt like all just the full assortment of special teams gaffs but the the best part on the field was that 70 yard touchdown that was called back ESPN scoreboard showed it as a South Carolina touchdown it was a Missou touchdown and immediately ESPN scoreboard just gave six to South Carolina that was sweet but the then that was called back. Mizzou's six was added on and then Mizzou's six was called back. He had two touchdowns called back on the same damn play. This is the greatest game ever. And this is before there was an hour long delay in the fourth quarter with like two minutes to go.

Like usually a delay is like, you know, it's hardly ever like, boys, we're down to crunch time in a one score game. You know, it's time to strap it on. Actually, it's time to go sit and eat cheese snacks until, you know. everybody snack hard everybody eat some hearties because we're about to start the two-minute drill i will never get tired of reading process stories about how teams handle rain delays and like the the storming the beaches at normandy level ops that go into managing the peanut butter and jelly sandwich intake of a hundred sweaty young men yeah i enjoy i enjoy i enjoy i enjoy that when West Virginia and Tennessee played, Tennessee did the Saven thing. Nick Saven is famous during rain delays for having an entire rain delay plan about how players can get more information

while they get hydrated and they have, you know, pamphlets that they can read and their time is well spent and they're constantly, they're constantly coached and, you know, no second is wasted. And Dana Holgerson for West Virginia was like, well, we're just got them a bunch of. of food and kept him happy and I don't know it came out and scored 28 points in a quarter some sound like sled dogs it was it was basically like keep these dogs fed and you know

just tell them to go that was it like Danny was walking around like rubbing bellies yeah yeah Dana was just rubbing bellies and handing people hamburgers and they're like I don't know it worked try not to get too gassy walk around

so you don't found her yeah like that's that's all they did nothing about this game makes sense too like Drew Locke Drew Locke threw the ball a ton but they actually did way better running on the ground Locke didn't have a he didn't have a passing TD on the day and threw two picks

The guy who threw three TDs was Michael Scarnicchio who was the spot starter after they lost Jake Bentley to injury but they still sent Jake Bentley out to warmups because gotta keep them guessing even though Bentley's out there like hobbling yeah right Carolina was out without without Jake Bentley

Missou was missing its best receiver and I think another senior starter and of course the game went past you know the Vegas over under anyway despite an hour long delay and a monsoon it ended with Missou hit a fucking 57 yard field goal in a swamp

with no footing like absolutely no funding and it didn't matter because Carolina hit a field goal right after that yeah And, like, if you look at the box score, it gets even weirder. This was, like, it's almost a term, if I say a must-champ game. You know what I mean?

Like, South Carolina was probably outgained by more than 100 yards and still one, right? Yeah. Yep. Yeah, just where, like, and even the turnover numbers don't make sense because you go, oh, man, Missoumoser had, like, five turnovers, two to one. Yeah. And in Bill's weekly stat update, South Carolina, South Carolina beat a good Missouri

and fell 17 spots in S&P Plus because they actually The computer takes one look at the box score Like wow South Carolina Really got it handed to them They got outgained by more than a yard per play Will Mustcham's unending war on math It just doesn't end

I do enjoy though That Will Must Chip keeps finding himself in situations Where basically it's like Hey you have to cook a turkey cool what do I have I got an oven and a turkey they're like no we got a pig two matches and some wet wood and he's like let's go somehow he saves Thanksgiving every year oh my god he's the great pumpkin just never never has quite the same right tools and never uses quite the right sort of techniques but you're like man you made a statue of me out of mashed

potatoes with asparagus is crazy it don't look edible but it's it is. Will Mustchamp is totally my choice for like, who do you want to be your post-apocalyptic mechanic? You know, you're like, well, this Ford has a blown compressor and it also needs three wheels. And Will Mustchamp's like, I'll get you a motorcycle out all the parts in three hours. The turkey ain't dead, but you can eat it. It won't kill you. Just, what are we doing?

Winning, we're just getting to the goal. I'm just going to get to the objective. You might hate me when we're done. No, I'm just going to be confused. I'm just, that's all. It's just going to be very confusing. He's like, yeah, he's like the video game player who just does not give a shit, how much damage he takes.

You don't have pants on it. That's fine. The pants don't help you win. You complete the mission in the games immediately. Do you want to try this again? Because we're giving you an F-plow. Hell no. It's completed next.

Just trying to get through story mode as fast as possible. Every Will Mustamp game is the end of there will be blood, right? I'm finished I just a man sitting in a bowling alley with a corpse I made it happen and I did it A bowling alley were way fewer than 300 points were scored

I don't think any were actually Oh yeah Yeah It was an absolutely amazing game I would also like to go ahead And speaking of anti-football If you didn't see Utah Stanford

And you probably didn't yeah Utah's so confusing there are another team where they just they just show up to the ball in jeans and they're just going to make it work okay and got nothing like one of the most got nothing teams around

is Utah and yet they managed to beat Stanford handily like toward the end like it wasn't even close yeah there was a 99 yard pick six and then like Stanford's next drive another red zone i nt and you give you you give utah basically uh so i come out to all what that's that could be a damn 28 point swing right there yeah and utah don't need much more

than that no they score 13 in the fourth quarter to uh manage to to beat stanford 4021 but in fact stanford like again did we break math kind of i mean utah was at least able to run Right. I would also put the Belichick, the Belichick alert is on Britain Covey, the gritty, tiny, sort of Caucasian receiver. He's quite Caucasian. Yeah, sort of Caucasian. His name is Britain. His name is Britain. It's hard to be more Caucasian than to be named Britain. Yeah. But Britain Covey and Quail. Yeah. Like zero chance. He doesn't end up on the Patriots. zero

he's such a cerebral player Covey sounds a little delicate I don't know he's a leader he's literally like probably part of that Utah Covey family right the seven habits of successful

wide receivers who are under 510 he's an awkward one because he he really does fit the stereotype like like gritty tough grind all that stuff like yeah this dude gets laid out like every play and mostly because his quarterback is

can your quarterback make you look tougher yeah if you throw them into traffic right at your helmets pointed at your ribs that guy's about that guy's like three yards from a safety I should just throw it into him the key is to throw it to your 6 5 wide receiver who doesn't exist

Britt and Covey has some grievances with his HR rep no he's just a team player he's going to make it happen that's fine that's fine I'll catch this in cut into a waiting traffic pole. It's good.

There was one play on Saturday where it was probably just a trick of the light, but you almost felt like you could see his body just go, oh, God damn it, right from the board. Flex with regret. And he put his hands out for the ball and was like, fine. Yeah. Utah, one of my favorite anti-football teams.

By the way, also, Utah had a, Utah had a 300-pound man intercepted. ball one handed that's the kind of night Stanford had in case you wonder if they'd replace the production the Price Love had and righted the ship

nope no they're four and two at this point the Pac-12 they're getting no one in the playoff absolutely no one what if Washington wins out they lost to Auburn so and they're going to lose again like if you've watched Washington play

If I told you Washington was going to lose again, you'd go, oh yeah, that's... If Washington wins out, maybe we cram them into the Outback bowl so they can get a rematch against Auburn. That assumes Auburn's ball eligible, dude. Outback was a little generous. Let's go Belk. Shout out to the Belk Bowl, by the way. Yeah. The bowl, that's not ashamed to admit, it listens to us. Yeah, or the Music City Bowl as well, the home of the Kentucky Wildcats who

so unfairly lost to Texas A&M, 20 to 14, thus ending the dream of an undefeated Kentucky season. Can we talk about the other Kentucky team? I would love to. Oh, this is going to hurt. No, this is great. It's phenomenal. I wasn't talking about you. Oh, yeah, that Paul Johnson decided to drop the hammer after 12 years of nursing a grudge.

12 years. Paul Johnson's everlasting pettiness gobstopper against Brian Van Gogh. Jason, you've got some feelings on Brian Van Gogh, would you like to speak on this? Man, this dude has had every single job in the state of Georgia. All of them. Yeah, like all of them. Yeah. for anyone who isn't caught up

Paul Johnson of course was one of the prime architects of Georgia Southern's FCS dynasty call it 1A if you like to pretend your old school and you can't remember what they call it these days let's just call it FCS and also the forefather of the modern triple option offense so when he leaves and Brian Van Gorder takes over his head's coach at Georgia Southern and makes a commercial where he says

there is no option And he means that literally. They don't run the option anymore, and he gets his ass run out of town because he only run three games. Meanwhile, Paul Johnson at Navy says, calls up Georgia Southern and says, we are going to play you because I want to beat the hell out of Brian Van Gorder. Doesn't get to do that. Can I point out, by the way, actually kind of a mild thing to say, I'd rather do things

my way. That's really all Brian Van Gorder is saying here. I don't know, but he did it in kind of a prickish way. Like, he literally said, like, to hell with the option. I mean, disparaging the scheme as though it had not been effective. I mean, he's just, like, here, I would actually... This shit mulled for decades, and this new dude comes in and says, like, no option. It wasn't like Paul Johnson got fired because it wasn't working, and then Van Gorder came and disparaged it.

Well, yeah, but it's not like he's walking into Paul Johnson's house and, like, yeah, I'll take a beer. Hey, your daughter's looking great. No, I mean... It's absolutely like Brian Van Gingwood. Yeah, I mean, he kind of did. Look at that mustache. Come on. Yeah.

I mean, this is at best, a gentle diss. And Paul Johnson's like, I will call down the thunder of the ancestors. So the best part is, yes, Van Gorder as Louisville Defense Coordinator, yes, Paul Johnson's team dumped 542 rushing yards on that ass. Let's go back two years ago. The University of Georgia. right before they were about to play Georgia Tech, they brought in an outside consultant to help him figure out how to solve this triple option rhythm.

Why wasn't he busy? Well, he'd been at Notre Dame, and then he was no longer at Notre Dame. So, yeah, they brought in an expert who had shut down the option before. Of course, he'd shut it down because he was the head coach of a team that ran the option, and he decided they'd rather not score points.

So let's bring in Brian Van Gorder. He'll show us the tricks. He'll beat that Paul Johnson. Georgia Tech beat Georgia that year. Paul Johnson is just going to haunt Van Gorder all around the country and continue beating his ass for the rest of his life. Twelve years ago, he switched a scheme. Twelve years ago, he was like, yeah, I'd rather do things differently.

Hell with you! A man in 2006 said, we're going to try throwing the bowl. My favorite part of this game on Saturday was at one point when Georgia Tech was given a sideline warning and the camera cuts immediately to Paul Johnson and two of his players guffawing openly and having been given a sideline penalty. I do enjoy, if you watch Georgia Tech from now and then,

there is a different kind of Paul Johnson that emerges in big games where he knows he's pulled off of bullshit. It's called the cops, Paul, as in, I don't care if you call him. I'll talk to him. We can all talk to the cops, can't we? I don't care. Also, you know, he's, he's a famous curmudgeon. He's a famous curmudgeon who looks like he really, who doesn't bother to do that Penny Annie James Franklin shit where you act like you don't enjoy beating the shit out of people every once in a while because you're like a gentleman. No, no, Paul Johnson will savor this he will savour it openly he will giggle with his players about it on the sideline uh yeah he's and

also yeah anyway i write for paul johnson who is a famous curmudgeon whose players love him i would also my favorite postgame quote from him it is so obvious how much they love playing for him which is always fun to see after this game uh someone asked him like you know coach how did you put up so many damn points and he said just running the offense that's just running the offense that piece of shit discard he didn't say that part the cruelty involved here is that when you are down to a triple option team the way to shorten the game is to run the ball let's just get out of here boys by doing exactly what got us up 28 he before I remember there was a game um like five or six years

go where tech was like driving for a touchdown in the closing minutes and they asked him about it and he was like literally what do you want me to do we don't have any other offense tech's going to start throwing to show mercy

oh and the last note on this just in case this wasn't all hilarious and happening against Brian Van Gorder against Bobby against the shell of Bobby Patrino it's a husk he's molten um yeah georgia tech coming into the game two and three two and three with with boosters finally deciding you know he's done yeah they're gonna buy him out

gonna get this done they've been trying to buy him out for years and they can never the other thing i love about georgia tech is they can never gin up enough money to make huge changes when they get mad so they just have to sit there and be mad which i think paul probably all appreciate it. Is it that or is it like social awkwardness? Like they're just kind of scared of him. We could send him an email. Coach doesn't use email. I got a doctor here in town who has been mad for like five years. He was like a disgruntled Georgia Tech booster who's been mad at Paul Johnson for like five years and they're never going to get enough people mad at the same time to pull this off. Five game winnings for it coming. How do you think? How do you

going to, how would you even fire Paul Johnson? He's just going to go into walls. Where is he? Do you know how long he can survive above a drop ceiling? He'll come out in spring. We'll have to wait till then. We can't even send him an email or text. Doesn't have a phone.

We just got to get him somewhere more Appalachian, I think. Yeah. Like, it's cool and all. And, like, I'd love to keep him in a power conference. Just, I don't, I don't know. I don't know about him in a big city. I think he, you know where he needs to go? North Carolina.

I think he needs to just work as a consultant for Kennesaw State. Expand Planconia. They already run his offense. Yeah, we're already, we're already the offshoot, which is so weird, like, not to keep talking about FCS Flexbone teams, but like. We should keep talking about Georgia's finest football team. It is weird. Every time there's, like, coaching carol sales season, it's like, yeah, we're the coach,

we are the number two team, but our coach has. literally know where to go. Like, is Army hiring? No. Okay, we're good. But, um... I think Paul ought to keep it in conference to take over for Lurie Fiduri. Go to UNC.

Yeah. Why not? What about? Let's say, let's say Dana moves on. Let's get the flex bone in the big 12. How about that? Whoa. You like to score points?

So do we, but only one way. I think we've already seen it works. based on recent results in Norman. Then again, everything works there as we open the show discussing. Well, not Mike Stoops, not anymore. Woo.

Oh!