Shutdown Fullcast - Superheroes vs. the NFL Combine

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Yup, it's Combine time, but we're gonna talk about comic books so deal with it. TOPICS INCLUDE: - Jared Lorenzen would dust you - Vernon Davis vs. The Hulk, who ya got - To this day, all DC characters are written by 8-year-old boys - Character risk? Captain America’s old tweets are a red flag - Which Big 12 team is Galactus? - Advanced analytics: We already know which X-Man would win the 3-cone drill - We love our big stupid Thor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, Fullcast, friends. It's Ryan here. I'm not on the episode you're about to listen to, but I am here to tell you about the live show we're doing in Austin at South by Southwest on Sunday, March 10th. Yes, that's very soon. No, we're not good at planning things because have you ever listened to this show before? How are you honestly shocked? Our show is going to be happening at Vox Media's big sprawling three-day Southby event. We're on Sunday at 2 o'clock. And great news. It's free. All you have to do is go to pre-ownedairboats.com. Click on that RSVP button, fill out a little bit of personal information so that we can verify you are you and not a robot spy sent to kill us. And that's it. You can come to the show for free. Maybe Spencer will adopt you as his new son. I don't know. Welcome. Wow, it came out a little weird.

I'll try that again. Can I try that again? Do I get a restart? That sounded like a direction from you. Like you were advising someone to come. I just, yeah. It's upsetting. Welcome.

Well, that's a normal part of mating. See, there we go. There we go. Welcome. That's better. My cousin, man. I got another shot at it. My initial run, you could say it was a little slow.

Also, like, mating. Mm-hmm. But I worked on my technique, got back, and good average performance there. It's about what we can hope for here. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. I wanted to just start off this edition of the Internet's only college football podcast by reminding you of an important record. Our children in college football, some of them are fortunate enough to be accepted

into the elite schools, right? After prepping in college, they move on to the NFL. They move on to the league. Or at least some of them go to the Combine. And that's where, I don't know, man. What goes on at the Combine? Like, what are we really doing? Making money, bro.

Some of us. Some of us. Doing exercise. Yeah, lots of calisthenics. Yeah, being judged for your physique doing things that have honestly very little to do with football, such as jumping. Like they say the jump, it shows your short area burst, which is very relevant to football. And I think people have found that, like, mathematically the jumps are actually very predictive of your skills as an athlete in the NFL. But still, you don't jump very much in football.

Especially if you're an offensive lineman. Though you should. The sport would be a lot better if the fat guy's got to jump more. The jump block. Like if you had to engage, but only in mid-air, right? Like, you couldn't block with your feet under you. You know, the, like, ram mating dance of blocks. There's mating again.

This is a Randy podcast, y'all. I don't like this. We'll steer away from it. We're not going to steer into this. mostly because we're not fast enough to okay um i will first ask you what my 40 time is and then i will tell you okay my 40 time do you recall the either of you recall what my actual 40 yard dash laser time i actually thought yours was like 609 that is correct okay six seconds uh 6.09 seconds right wait isn't that exactly what we just said for that arizona state dude uh-huh so to move

ahead to the spoiler cool thanks holly wait i didn't know we were recording oh no i'm ryan no i'm ryan i'm this week's ryan no just hang on we'll probably not be recording soon and then everything will be fine yeah yeah okay so a 6.09 i would ask do you know the slowest NFL combine time in the 40-yard dash ever. Yep. I'm going to guess it's a similarly nice score. It is, it's real close. I got to tell you,

because I do have an NFL, I almost have an NFL, how's this, I almost have an NFL combined worthy 40 time. And so do you probably. And you and you, anyone listening to this really can probably get somewhat close to this because

offensive lineman Regis Crawford What a majestic name Regis Crawford That's like the name of a subdivision That's the name of The Regis at Crawford Yeah

That's a gated subdivision That's why he was moving so slow It's huge Well because they all got those speed limits Yeah He's hitting speed humps In the middle of the 40 They're just built in

Regis Crawford Now I believe leave a digital marketing manager for Salesforce. Regis Crawford was an offensive guard for Arizona State out of San Diego. And Regis Crawford and, you know, about three bills ran a 6.07 at the NFL Combine. Slowest time ever. You want to know another good one in there, though? Another fun one?

Longtime strength coach Gus Felder. He's in the top five worst. of all time. Well, he's not a speed coach. No? That's true. So this means Spencer is slower than the slowest football player ever, ever captured on film? That is correct.

I am two one-hundredths of a second slower than the slowest NFL player, NFL combine time ever. Yeah, 6.09, but Regis got me by 200ths of a second. Six point. Well, he is a professional. I know. Man, that is a leisurely. That is strolling. Did he stop to admire something along the way?

Did he, did he text someone? Did he consider Arizona State along the way? And realized like, bra, why am I stressing this? I know. I could always just go back to Tempe and get a master's, baby. Come on. I should be in the pool right now. It's only February.

Yeah. Regis Crawford, a god among men, just strolled that 40. A god of what? We are not specified. My favorite part is that 6.07, a lot of people hearing that and thinking like, oh, that's terrible. Would actually be pretty pressed to beat it because that's still an athlete moving as fast as possible. 6.07 is, if you're a regular civilian and, you know, know you're under seven things aren't that bad there we go that's the forecast wait what happened

oh you just cut out oh good i was probably just yelling about how um your 40 time is is probably not much better than that yeah now that's not the worst overall performance i think generally the record holder for the combine in terms of the big don't not the worst one and probably I think the greatest condemnation of the Combine as an institution is Orlando Browns

Orlando Brown out of Oklahoma he he's generally regarded as having the worst performance ever he only jumped 19 and a half inches on the vertical it's more of an Oklahoma later I just look this up and only

four combine jump jumpers have ever hit fewer than 20 inches. Who are those people? Do we know any of those people? Jose Matthias of Florida State. Who? Jose Matthias, guard of Florida State. Call him young Jeezy because he's Mr. 17.5 in the vertical jump.

But it turned out fine. He's got a job with the Ottawa Red Blacks right now. See? The Red Black. Is the job playing football? It is. Last moves a little slower up north. He jumps further in Metro.

He jumps further in Metro. He jumps further in Metro where he was three-tenths faster than Orlando Brown. It was. Yeah. I think the real bad mark for Orlando was only 14 on the bench because Orlando is 345 pounds and he only benched 14 times. These other dudes who were like Land and Turner of UNC only jumped 19 inches, but benched 30. Yeah. Yeah.

That and that and this that. that you don't actually have to jump as an offensive line at which Orlando Brown did fine in the NFL had an absolutely had an awful combine and I bet he's got a great life now he lives in Ottawa oh no that's Jose Matias Orlando Orlando Brown I believe is still with the Giants I'm quite sleepy Orlando Brown is still in the glimmering metropolis of Baltimore a Baltimore okay and he played and he started 10 games jumping ain't shit never jump that's right

jumping is for suckers no coach ever talks about you know well forward progress forward progress is forward it ain't up you don't have to jump for a check that's why we have direct deposit just goes right in it's called football not wing ball

yeah not fly ball come on yeah yeah I mean there is There is a long history, by the way. This is to say that later on in this episode, I think we're going to go over some draft hypotheticals.

Is that what you termed them, Jason? Yeah, that'd work. Yeah. Let's see if anybody has ever failed. Let's see, Joshua Moore of Kansas State mustered two bench press reps. I search for two or fewer. He's the only one who showed. Now, we should clarify.

weighs 188 pounds that's 2 25 he lifted more than his body weight twice that's better than almost any regular person can do i got extremely excited for a second because i thought his name was joshua ford mustard joshua ford mustard carlin brother's shit uh he's also a railroad baron yeah some of these by the way like when they get into when you look at like the worst times and you know they're like oh this guy only ran a 5.1.8 as a kicker. Dear God, do you know how fast a 518 is? That's blazing. Oh, my God. That means both your legs work real good. Yeah. You know, you think about the luxury of that. You only need one leg. You're just stunting by having two. You got a backup. When you draft a kicker, remember,

you don't draft one kicker. You draft two, the right kicker and the left kicker. but yeah like some of these numbers that they go oh man absolute failure uh i mean they're still terrifying you're still really really good that and that and you know wide receivers are like i only ran a 4.72 4.72 is flying in gen pop my god yeah the least explosive athlete though per our own Alex Kershner at the quarterback spot. That's right. TB 12,

Tom Brady ran a 5-28, which I know we've been talking about people running in the 5-2s is being way faster than the gen pop. Tom Brady's slow as hell. Per Alex in this post, all-bad combine team, the fifth worst time by a quarterback this century.

His hurt was tied for six. worst who's got the worst in the 21st century I don't know that'd be a hell of a quarterback that'd be an incredible and it's not Byron left which like T. Bray went to the combine T. Bray was under five I know he was I bet I bet Tyler Bray ran like a four seven four eight because he only needed to take three steps to go 40 yards he's very he's a very tall gentleman you know also somebody was like Hey, there's an Instagram like at the end of that. Oh, my God.

Guess the slowest quarterback. You can do it if you think about it. Landry Jones. Very close. Very close. Jason White. You're getting there. Did you hear me say Andy Dalton?

It's Josh Heiple. Oh, oh, Brandon Cox. Let's think bigger. Oh, bigger physically? Yeah. Bigger physically. You said I was close with Oklahoma, right? Right?

Mm-hmm. Close like. Oh, is it the bell-dozer? Ooh, uh, let's go a little bit east. A little bit east. Arkansas. Yep. Okay, it's an Arkansas quarterback.

Oh. Ryan Mallet? Ryan Mallet. Yeah. I maintain that's the Michigan clinging to him. All six, seven, two hundred fifty-three pounds of him at five point three. All the last three yards. What did he run?

5.37. I need footage of this. However, he had a 103 inch broad jump. Not bad. Because he fell. Kind of bad, but not terrible. Yeah, that's all he had to do was fall. Like broad jump.

Somebody chopped his ankles with an axe, and he just fell over, and they're like, oh, man. It was a hell of a broad jump. He was dusted by Jared Lorenzen, who ran a 5.28 the same time as Tom Brady. Jared Lorenzen at 288 pounds ran a 528. Please notice that neither one of us suggested Jared Lorenzen because we knew he got that speed. Respect. We respect. The only actual deceptive speed quarterback.

You better give him every tenth of that 528. That's right. It appears that was the only drill Jared Lorenzen did. Just like Dion Sanders, he walked up, blazed the 40 track, and gotten a limo to leave. Just the two greatest athletes. many indistinguishable facts between Jared Lorenzen and Dion Sanders. Yeah, you're going to run. I have to have a mnemonic device to tell the two apart.

Many people are saying. I like to think for safety that they didn't let him run the three cone drill. You know, like, okay, we're going to change directions. They're like, ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, for everyone's safety, please. Planet Earth ain't changing directions. Yeah. Neither is J-Lo. You know, if he, if he plants his foot, man.

it's going to harm somebody it's going to be some anime violence occurring when i saw that because i saw vertical and i was like oh oh nothing there you know that tile is way up there man it is way way way up there because i'll have you know when i when i tested the combine i couldn't hit one of those man and i can do the bench now but at the time i hadn't i wasn't lifting weights at all like at all and uh yeah i don't i don't know if i got 225 up once when i did the combat now bro i mean i got it how many can you do now 225 mm-hmm uh i could probably do 12 i did bad i've done i've done 225 at 12 this year and and stopped because i was like i did 12 and i was like what if i'm old what am i trying to prove this is done

I should just put that up there. 12-thoddepressive number. Let's see which athletes you are exactly as strong as. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, that's, which athlete am I exactly? Can we make this into it infographic? I'm not far behind Orlando Brown, current NFL starter. Which athlete are you?

The collective part of Florida. All right, we're going to go bench press exactly 12 and sort by 40 time for the slowest. You are Nila Casatati of Oklahoma. See? The 317 pound guard. Yep. wasn't drafted that's fine don't ask my weight uh demontre more drafted by texas a and m that's it

that's spencer there we go see scholarship giants out of texasan m i should say if a and m had draft picks we'd all be doing yeah oh man actually there probably are a lot of a nm fans who are like we ought to bring back the draft i would i would also just a special like mention of honor for draft i mean everyone enjoys going oh man that guy was a monster at the draft like vernon davis just go look at vernon davis's combine it's not just that's if you want to know what made vernon davis money before you ever made money in the nfl it was it was going to the combine and putting on a spectacle it was fucking stupid he weighed in at 254 and he ran a 4.38 last year that i'll probably update for this year they like all all combine team and for every

position it's like hmm tough call hmm tough call titans like easy next he did uh let's see i put him in a group with quarterbacks linebackers and safeties like almost all of whom were smaller than him and he was the six fastest among that group yeah him and duntari poe are my two favorite combine workouts ever yeah because don tary don't tarry po uh who i believe is with the chiefs now he still he was with the falcons and then he moved on he is moving yeah yeah this is my expert after throwing a touchdown with the chiefs he moved on yeah because he did everything he was 346 and looked it it wasn't like oh man that guy didn't look 346 no man this is a this is a big old side of beef, right, in cleats. And he was 346. He ran a 4-9-8 and had a 29-and-a-half-inch vert.

A benched 44, too. Like, he's as strong as a 346 pound. Like, he's strong for a 346-pounder, and he's fast for a 246 pounder. Just, the guy who walks into the gym without a weight belt and just start. it's deadlifted 500 that's don't tarry poe you know probably with like a mcdouble in his pocket you know that's that's that's tontari poe just got it tied to like the uh fishing pole on his back so you can chase it that'd be the cartoon thing that would work in the cartoon oh that'd be amazing that should be a titan games event yeah uh that that's just absolutely terrifying I think Shaquine Griffin gets a special spot because

Yeah, yeah, yeah You know, you bench 225, 20 times With a prosthesis And then run like a fucking cornerback Yeah, he ran I got to put him on him Yeah, when I update I'll add him as a linebacker on here He ran a 438

Yeah, one of these linebackers is either Jamie Collins, Vic Beasley or Von Miller Will no longer make the team At like, sorry to say At like 230 He ran up for three Which I love I love that by the way because

It really just did drive the whole point home You're just like idiot Who didn't sign this Absolute moron You only need one hand to play linebacker Just imbeciles You got an other hand that can't ever get tired See

Another one by the way I don't think you know how big Calvin Johnson is until you've seen him, right? Oh, yeah. Like his biggest asset besides having really awesome hands and amazing speed, which are two big things, and outstanding athleticism, three, probably cheating. It's like four or five. He was just big.

Like you couldn't, this is how big Calvin Johnson was. Reggie Ball couldn't miss him. Ooh. It's like, Reggie, if you're throwing to Calvon, you just throw that away. Yeah, no, man. Like, throwing to Calvin Johnson was like throwing to a, a county, you know? You're just like, I don't know.

That's Calvin County. Why don't you throw it toward DeKalb? We probably got a Calvin County. Yeah. Yeah, can we look? We probably do. We throw it to Calvin Johnson County and, you know, he'll bring it down. I had a fun Georgia Tech experience this morning that I haven't had since I moved back here,

which is getting to chortle mightily at a dude walking down the street in a tank top that said jackets on it. Well, I'm not wearing a jacket. It's just fun. I get a kick out of it. That's a good thing. I never thought about taking that literally, but that's pretty good. It's just something that I love quietly about Georgia Tech is that they got all these sweatshirts that say jackets.

It's like it's like instructions. Yeah. Like what goes on top of this shirt? What do I put on next? Jackets. Oh, right. Man, most of these kids went to academic decafalon all four years. They need these instructions.

Yeah. Another Darius Hayward Bay. Yeah. crack four three at 210 pounds that's a fucking truck man that's a that's a mountain lion

that's at least like a Nissan Versa I also there are some that that just absolutely stuck out to me as being like as verifying everything you already knew about the player because watching as a

you know watching as a college football fan it was interesting like NFL draft scout on Twitter like you don't want to I don't really want to like jump on NFL draft Twitter because I mean a little bit but like you know they don't they haven't seen they don't watch college football so they don't know some of the institutional things right like don't say that like it's an excuse and not an indictment it's kind of an indictment but like if I told you okay what why like what university if I'm just shopping and I just want to go university brand shot for a wide receiver where are you going right now I'm going to Clemson now yeah I'm going to Clemson right yeah like I'm probably just gonna

pick a wide receiver if I want a blind item that's like never been used like a if I want like an unboxing video I'm going LSU that's a good is he good I don't know they don't either yeah they don't what's my all right how's this if I've got wait I'll take a Penn State Okay. I'll take a Penn State if I'm taking one fresh out of the box. If I got big money, I'm going Clemson. If I'm doing blind item and I got like a third or fourth rounder, that's an LSU, right?

Like, I don't know. They like, oh, he's never played wide receiver. Well. Yeah, let's find out. Yeah, let's find out. You went somewhere. Baby tigers never passed to. Oh.

No. They're so cute before they grow into single serving animals. but yeah like if you have to do that i don't want to get too on them but like it is kind of nice to see them go like oh man people from these schools are really good and you're like yeah that's kind of just what i figured out by watching football neat that's your your expert opinion that i'm just like i don't know that's just my dumb ass watching cool like db's washington you should just draft a db from washington this is my expert opinion if you draft the db from Washington they're probably going to be a badass i think my all-time favorite combine thing is

deons um not just the actual story which is hilarious like he really did show up run leave to a standing ovation into a limo and leave like that's the actual verified story and his time was what was it um i think it was a four one nine i think officially a four two seven four two seven okay Yeah, but per legend, it gets inflated and inflated and inflated and because it's Dion. He loves that. Oh, yeah. And they're like, you can find, I did a post on this a year or two ago, you can find on the internet, people believe literally anything about it. He ran in shirt shoes.

He ran in Tims. He ran in sweatpants. We just saw Usain Bolt do that version of the run. And we did see that. What I think had to be like literally plastic shoes. Yeah, we did see like the ultimate owning of football players. That was laser time too, wasn't it? Look like he rolled straight out of a nap and just,

yeah, dusted every football player. He was wearing like sweats and gym and basketball shoes and ran laser timed. And it was, it was really funny because it was like the real life version of one of those internet stories where there's a new layer that gets added to it and every telling only it was all true. Yeah.

Usain Bolt walking around. the mall decides to dust every football player ever and then went on about his day oh and just you know just relax just chill yeah what are you going to do i don't know i really believe in recovery like if you like he works out real hard but like every single article about usain bull always goes to great lengths to mention like yeah he really really likes eating chicken nuggets and taking naps It's a very important part of his training. See, we'll be there soon. Usain Bolt also provides the model for

Eastport athlete recovery. Yeah, what do you do? I eat chicken nuggets and take naps, and then I play Fortnite. And just like an esport athlete, he also runs for about four seconds. Yeah. Ooh!

Hoo! About 10 seconds of exercise, and I'm good. The most impressive, though like i believe there's two laverinews coles uh at fsu's pro or at his own pro day after he got kicked out of fs u instead of peter warwick over the free shoes university scandal simpler times simpler times uh laverinews coals fell and i think he still ran a four eight but he fell fast and i mean he plots i mean full belly flop out

down on his face and still ran a 4-8 which is either really impressive recovery to run normally or he simply slid on his face like it was an old spice commercial right respect respect to this strat the other one is oh Julio Jones yeah what Julio run in the 40 well 2011 Julio ran a 439 in the 40 yard dash um do you do you know how big Julio Jones

is. Julio, he's about 220. I believe he also had an injured foot. That is correct. He had a fractured foot. Yeah.

What a quitter. And he still ran a 4-3-9. He's always got a fractured foot. And it never matters. No. I'm kicking asses. Julio's never played

with an attack skeleton. True fact. It'd be too dangerous. He's got a restrictor plate. I was just going to say this. That's it. Got it running at Bristol. otherwise otherwise simply simply wouldn't be fair that and with that same broken foot

38 and a half inch vert and uh the satanic 6.66 in the three cone drill fuck yeah damn the um one other that must be mentioned annually is the only good football thing yukon ever did byron jones of yukon in 2015 set the combo record in the broad jump, set the football record in the broad jump, and no one has ever published information that there has ever been a longer broad jump, unless it happened in like the last few months. Like, NFL.com at the time said, Norwegian Arn-Tvarvvog is believed to have held the world record set on November 11th, 1968. And then, like, there wasn't a standing long jump since then

so there you have it the longest jump in human history since Arn Tvarvavavag at least Byron Jones of Yukon Arn to Varga Bog Arn to Varga

I would also accept the mention of Margus Hunt of SMU which is another player that that you chose for the best combined performance of all time margus hunt margus hunt cracked out 38 reps on the bench press all right which is is very impressive i i like if you get into the 40s you're just

that's insanely beastly strong no matter what size you happen to be um the the the thing with margis hunt is the 6 8 like you know that thing where you work out with a tall guy and he's like uh you know like i can't bench more than 135 because my arms are so long margus hunt's like yeah i can't bench more than 575 because my arms are so long and you're like that's that's that's stuff is being pushed along it's like that i feel like there was a story about david robinson where he's insanely jacked but he couldn't bench as much as you think he could because he's got to push the fucking bar to the roof yeah no he's got to move it like like three and a half feet right yeah i mean 40 is like the baseline for like insanely fucking strong like I think this year the odds the over under is will anybody top 40 because like if anybody does that's a really big deal because only like you know one guy can do it per year usually I mean almost did it 6 8 the strongest human to ever play in the NFL like bar none I think most people would would most people would agree with it and if they don't I'll show them a couple of videos and then they will agree after this

Ah, the tried and true internet strategy. Yeah, let me show you, let me show you an internet video. Who are you going to show on the Reggie White video? No, it's scarier. Although Reggie White. What's scarier than Reggie White, sir? Well, although I will tell you, Reggie White, there is footage of Reggie White throwing this guy like a sack of potatoes. Thank you.

Because Reggie White, okay, let me clarify different kinds of strong. There's, there's train. Potato strong. There's measurable weight barbell strong, which is what Larry Allen of the Dallas Cowboys was and still is presumably because Larry Allen could bench 700 pounds and could run

like a four I want to say seven at three bills and change like 3.30, 340. Larry Allen also at the 2006 Pro Bowl this is like well past his prime Larry Allen. At the 2006

Pro Bowl, Larry Allen got under the bench press did 225, 4 43 times and stopped because he was bored. I often run into that problem. I know, you're saying, man. I just don't have the attention span of the bench press 225 pounds 44 times. He just puts it up 43 times and then racks it like, I don't know what else you want me to do.

I don't know what 44 is going to show you that 43 didn't, right? Now, that's one kind of strong. He hit him with the et cetera. Yeah, he did. he he had he had the like and things of that nature he had the historian correcting someone tweet storm right one of 43 of estonia of the NFL combine right so there's that kind of strong and then there's reggie white kind of strong where like the numbers were real good but in games he did things that you just go i don't that's not even that's not taught or possible like

I get the feeling that Reggie White's workouts were just like, I'm going to lift a pig. You know, like, I'm going to lift livestock a bunch of times. Like Walter Jones. Walter Jones, I'm really enjoyed that this podcast is just becoming like, damn, this dude was strong. Remember some big guys. That's the order of the day.

It is February. But like Walter Jones of Florida State and then of the Seahawks in the NFL, Walter Jones' workout was pushing his escalade. like he'd have a dude sit in the front and steer and Walter Jones would just push the escalate and that was it that was effective that's for rich big boys only push my truck

Reggie White was Reggie White was push my truck strong or I believe as George Foster would put it Reggie White was replace an engine in a car with a rope and a tree right just like pull it out of the car by by putting it over a branch then just using it as a pulley right and pulling it yourself that's reggie white was fiendishly strong terrifyingly strong um we do have other we do have another approach to the glorious combine though jason we do i thought um given that football players are superheroes among us And, I mean, if you compare the numbers they pull off in events, often that should have nothing to do with their physiques.

You know, you see a big man cracking five seconds, or you see a little guy throwing the iron 25 times or whatever the case. Jared McKinnon threw up the fucking bar, man. Like, you see this shit, it's just not real and it becomes, you just sort of glaze over. So I sort of thought, like, wouldn't it be fun to talk about which superheroes could do the best at combine events? I think, you know, we could expand that to fix my characters or whatever. But my mind went to superheroes. And we also threw it out to the Reddit. This is the way to make sure we don't have to talk about Confederacy of Dunces.

Are they good at the combine? No. All right. So just so no like Wuthering Heights Combine. I don't want to hear it from you people. Heathcliff's got zero ability to bend, six-rounder. Garfield, Garfield flunked his interview. I hate Mondays.

We play on Sunday, son. Not a problem. So let's start us off with, let me find it from East Coast PA on Reddit. Just to give you an example of the type of athletes, you know, to consider for these events. In the 40-yard dash, let's hit them with Alex Jones. Imagine Alex Jones running in the 40-yard dash. We've seen him run. It's horrifying.

In the bench press, imagine Alex Jones. We've seen him without his shirt. He's very, he's very stout. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and do this. I think Alex Jones puts up a respectable, like, I think he puts up a respectable, like, 15 on the bench. He's pretty, he's pretty, like, I don't want to say yote, but he's burly.

I mean, part of his brand is based around being burlitude. chesty. Yeah, he's very chesty. That's a cylinder that I think you could compress for significant force is what I'm saying. He is shaped like a drum of dehydrated food in your attic that you'll need when he's finally right about something. That's true. Or the money that somebody is inevitably going to get out of him in a settlement stuffed into his torso. Someday, finally.

the jumpy ones at the combine there are two different jumpy ones if you can jump you can jump um East Coast PA recommends Alex Jones he's very fucking jumpy for the agility ones

let's go Alex Jones Sands big bowl of chili and for the interview portion Alex Jones with a big bowl of chili because once he eats that he's impervious to any gatches because you can just

I had chili you can't harm me it's like the fifth amendment i i enjoy the suggestion from uh i enjoy the suggestion from from st cat 35 uh wario agility ones i don't i just i don't think this is going to work out i think i just don't think this going to work out well like i think wario like the game i want to see wario play isn't football right because i think he could have some high a lot well now I want to see that I was thinking the NBA because Zach Randolph was always kind of the

the wario of the NBA right like yeah like vertical leap zero right style infinite ass huge he'd be immovable in the paint yeah no no no that's it hit him with the butt man

hit him with the butt Mario taking a charge that's Luigi Luigi would take a charge we take a charge. Yeah. Mario Jumping ones. Luigi's that guy from Wisconsin.

Luigi can jump, though. Remember Mario, too? Luigi's the one. He'll be dunking on the 12-foot goal. He does.

Also, somebody recommended, of all people, recommended Scooby-Doo for the 40. I just want to see the wind-up, right? With the bongos. I think they described it as Emmett Smith speed.

Yeah. Not fast, but never gets caught from behind. I like that. So as far as our recommendations, what do we have? For the 40 and we're going like superhero. Because, you know, like, I don't want to cheat. I want to think creatively because, you know, you don't just want to say, first of all, I don't want to use a DC character because, one, those are,

because they're all stupid, right? Yeah, those are dumb comics. Because, like, every DC character is, like, the end result of two eighth graders arguing about who can invent the more powerful superhero. Yeah, yeah. But what if it has antlers? But I'm infinity plus infinity. Yeah.

And you know what? like in real life that wouldn't work that well like i bet in real life superman's heat vision sucks it's just like a light toast you know because like nobody or it just causes cancer yeah cancer vision this just makes you impotent god damn it's like it's like those razor phones those old Motorola phones does superman give you cancer probably but like that's that that's kind of like they would be mediocre right like they couldn't all be good like maybe superman's flight would be off the charts but his strength I don't know he'd just be like a third rounder

you know like hey soups can do like 25 on the bench that's pretty good for a guy what's the Notre Dame guy with a really long last name who was with Brady Quinn who was a baseball player umarge Jeff Samarja he's that guy yeah it'd be like you'd be like

man Superman's amazing he can throw the ball 70 miles an hour and fly he's so polite you know you'd be like wow you got like a pretty decent high school pitcher and he can fly so what if we could do this

y'all come up with like the I guess the pop culture friendly like the maybe it's a Marvel one you know maybe it's an Avenger it's like someone that people look at and they're like okay that's obviously not real but it's sort of grounded

in a version of reality you know who I'm taking on a lot of these drills like if I had If I had my blanket, my blanket candidate, right, across the board, Spider-Man, that's easy, right? He'd be a beast in the agility drills. He'd be pretty good in the 40. He'd be better than you think in the bench, right?

I mean, that's, you know, that's a skill player. If I had to take Spider-Man at, like, safety, incredible. That's a great choice for, especially for, like, if you wanted one guy to do it all, it would be very, and you were sticking only to, like, let's be not, within the bounds of reality, but close to them. I'm, you know, slightly above reality. On the plane of being slightly above reality, I think Spider-Man is a fine choice.

I think any of the Spider-Men or Spider-Ham are also a fine choice. Because it's just a, it's a good skill set across the board, right? Also, I'm picking safety because with the anticipation that you get from Spidey Sense, there's going to be some I&Ts and past breakups, brother. You're going to get some good ones. And also, a wide receiver is typically a tall guy, and Spider-Man, of course, can take advantage of, you can sort of use the tall guy as a building.

Oh, yeah. Just scale them, right? If you put Julio over there, guess what? Spidey's probably going to be like, you know, climbing off a sixth floor. Yeah, you just played yourself by throwing a Julio. So I've decided to take the opposite approach. I went for the stupidest most D.C. shit I could find.

But you'll beat yourself. Well, yeah. Just to really spell it out. In the 40. So if you're picking a DC character to run the 40, or really any character to run the 40, and you were like, oh, just fuck everything. Give me the fast. You go with the Flash. But there's a lot more to it than that. There's at least, as with any comic book, there's at least like 15 different versions of the guy. Some flashes are faster than others. the flash has a villain his name is

and this isn't a typo when I say it out loud his name is Hunter Zalaman as if he's a Zaxby's manager he goes by the name Zoom

he's so fucking fast that there's one point where all three flashes contribute their speed to each other they consolidate all the flashes and they still describe Zoom as quote just a blur

technically he doesn't actually run fast. He's just able to manipulate time so much that he makes everyone else look slow. But he's still able to dust the flash like it's nothing. This all sounds against NFL rules but

Zoom would handle the compound. Also used to be a cop and I think NFL GMs would like that a lot. I do have I did think of one thing just in disparaging DC and how absolutely stupid everything they do

which is this that if I I want Batman on the combine just so everyone can roast him that's it Batman's numbers would be awful they'd be really good no I think they'd be terrible your mind has been poisoned by Ben Affleck

no that's what I'm saying it has to be it has to be so you want Penn Affleck Batman at the Combine I do I want to have a table at Soho House for this to happen I want Ben Affleck at the Combine. Ben Affleck Batman at the Combine.

So you have Ben Affleck in the bat suit at the combine? Oh, can we put him in the bat suit? He's going to run like a 12. Yeah. So weighty. He's going to jump like one. Well, yeah, vertical leap, N-A. That's it.

Three-cone drill. Oh, like that's the official. time more like one cone drill destroyed one cone drone like a snow cone soft

just sitting just just sitting there on his back going I need a batterang in an Advil how about the how about the bench who we got

if I well I mean with it again we're going within the realm because like you know you could just there's some obvious

picks there when you go I don't know, you do, you do Hulk. You'll never, you know, Hulk versus Larry Allen. I got Larry Allen, man. It's technique. But if I had to do, if I had to do realistic, like a semi-realistic pick that was just above what I would consider real, right? And I had to pick a bench. you know how I bet pushing some weight a more significant amount of weight

than you might think and I really have no like joy toward this character no enjoyment or saver for them Hawkeye I bet Hawkeye's got a pretty respectable bench yeah Iowa strength program is renowned

yeah he is a prepper right yeah he's got a bench squat sucks Hawkeye's squat absolutely sucks because he's got Her legs. Come on. These legs are for running from the feds.

I got to keep them lean. You don't want them too big. I mean, there's the reason he's wearing shirtless, sleeveless shirts to draw attention away from those legs. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I always has the boat. Look up here, ladies. Look up here.

Not down there. This house is on stilts. Not going to lie. so in the bench the very stupid DC answer we're going to go to the stupidest DC character of them all gosh that's a high bar this is gonna I mean this is gonna sound like I'm going to some crazy niche thing that you know it's totally off the no we're going for Superman the most bullshit thing ever committed to paper just I'm just gonna run through three feats real quick he wants bench press the earth for five straight days um he

once held up the number is cited in the panel 200 quintillion tons with one hand and both of those pale in comparison to that time he dragged an entire galaxy to safety you can see 14 different planets chained together during the intro panel to an entirely different story and then he got a podcast these are like urban mire 40 times they're always always exaggerated strength coaches just you know they just talk they talk their people up and I don't blame them the wall of iron gators

exactly like I said some of Superman's like superpowers are going to suck right Percy Marvin benched the earth five times why can't you that's exactly Florida State used to do that too

right like they they'd go man you know Peter Warwick ran like a 4-3 no he didn't Peter Ward, like, I think, struggled to run like a 4-6 or 4-7 at the combine. You don't have to make him sound awesomer than he was. You know, like, that's, that would be, you know, they would be like, man, it's amazing. Shazam ran like a 3-8.

That would suck, by the way, if you still actually had, like, numbers that were close to human, right? Yeah, you're only, like, pretty fast. Yeah, you're like, wow, he's as fast as a rat. Actually, rats' comp or like a cockroach. He's as fast as a not speeding bullet. Like, if you were as fast as a cockroach, you would be insanely fast, right? Yeah, you would be super fast if you were... I want cockroaches like, I want cockroaches in the three-gun drill.

But nobody ever describes a superhero that way. Nobody says, faster than a streaking cockroach. It's faster than a cockroach that you found in your toothbrush cup this morning. That's, wow. That's real fast. That's extremely fast. fast. More durable than a rat. Oh, that's Ratman.

Yeah, Ratman. Ratman. I think we're describing a Piperman. Yeah, again, I want the Ben Affleck Batman at the combine. It's so bad. Ben Affleck and flight. I got a, I got, Ben Affleck and flight would slump. I don't know how you could fly and slump at the same time, but he would.

We're dragging the ground, boys. Pull up, pull up, pull up. I got a vape less. Trimbing the treetops. Got to drop some weight here. Oh, we buzzed the tower. The only problem with Superman at the combine, Superman is a stupid, boring character.

Who, like, the only good, the only good books about him are the ones where he is born as a communist and the one where they just plug him into the sun. And they're just like, fuck it. Let's see how crazy he gets. them say what do they create where is superman's charging port they just they put him in in the middle of it he ends up in the sun is that can we just do that with people yeah which i have several options i would like to volunteer for this it's called all-star superman and then by the end you're like oh they meant that literally yeah yeah ew the only problem is indianapolis doesn't have access to

sunlight it's it's coated in like a thick mayo fog so Superman will have no power there and also they're indoors. Relatable. He'll be just be kind of a you know, a tall guy with big shoulders, but he'll be very weak. So we're going to go with the Hulk, but the Hulk alone

is not stupid enough. We're going to go with World Breaker Hulk. He got that name because he did something even more awesome than breaking a world. He literally held together tectonic plates of a planet that a bad guy was trying to blow up, just holding

onto the plates. And at this point, he was so pissed off because he thought the Avengers killed his wife that he goes back to Earth and he whoops Iron Man's ass, Dr. Strange's ass, Mr. Fantastics, all of them at once. And he could have killed him all if he'd been any more pissed off, which I think NFL GMs could have got him there.

So we're going to go with that one percent matter. I was going to say, like, what are the NFL GM's knocks on various prospects from this world? I think they love the Hulk. This dude just pissed off. He just lives to hit people. No, man, just a big, mean dude. Just brings.

I think they're very high on Captain America. He's got obvious coach's son vibes. He's just a throwback. He's an old school throwback. I don't know. He might be older than his paperwork suggests. How do you think he got to Earth? They literally threw him back.

I don't know. Everything special. Everything special about him came out of a bottle. So I guess Oakland's radio. drafting? Oh, Captain America's juicing. Captain America's on roids. Yeah. No, Captain, also, like I said, a little older than his paperwork might indicate.

Oh, man, he's going, yeah, he's going to be, uh. I can bring his draft stock down. I can keep going, too, man. Oh, please go ahead. I can do it. He definitely went to Notre Dame, and now they're on sanctions. Wait, I feel like we should be nice to Captain America because he took Regina King's mom to the Oscars. This is canon. Yeah, because Chris Evans is Captain America. is he not what do you what do you say he's not i don't know if he told me he was i'd be like sure dude

i think it makes sense that if that chris evans is the actual captain america because he's not actually good looking we've just convinced ourselves he is and that's america yeah what is more america than that he's not hot you know she said logfully i i don't know about captain america either because in addition to concerns that, you know, he was juicing and that, you know, he might be older than he looks. Man, that's not what I thought you were going to stay. He disrespects the shield all the time by throwing it around. Damn.

Get his ass out of here. Yeah, see? I can, I can slander Captain America into the second round, easy. More like Captain A-A-F. Yeah, oh, see? Get his ass out of here. Not in my league. That's, you know.

What part of protect the shield, son? yeah also you know like in his senior year he grew a beard started going abroad i don't want i don't want my team's leader to i don't love this winter soldier kid you yeah you know you're marked by the company you keep are you are you into guys i don't know winter soldier is a pretty good name for your strength program that's it's like when football season's immediately over and it's time for mat drills we're gonna build some winter soldiers i i listen No, Lane Kiffin has done this unironically. By the end of this podcast, I will find a football team that has done a workout called the Winter Soldier.

I will find it. Okay. I can continue to slander it, though, right? Like, I can do all of this. Like, Hulk, I'll get you down on the second round by saying this. In big games, sometimes he just disappears. Damn. Wow.

Damn, he did sit out the ball game, didn't he? Oh, he said, hey, listen, the first time he was challenged with equal talent, where'd he go? Huh? He hid behind his doctor is what he did. That's right. He literally hid behind his doctor. Yeah. He took a, he took a, he took a, he took a medical red shirt.

Damn. In the fight against Thanos. That's all I'm saying. I just realized you can sing Eleanor Rigby to, to say medical red shirt. Hey, y'all, I had dental surgery today and I got a lot of pills in me. This is an ad read. Sorry about your dick. Has to be established a little bit ago.

Perkissette, Holly Perkissette. Did I already say that? No, that one was all fair. Okay. But yeah, I can slander any major superhero into the second or perhaps the third round. Let's drop now, Thor, what are we going to do? Oh, oh, we're going to do. Oh, pre Madonna, please, a me first guy.

Okay. Born with the silver hammer in his mouth. God, probably, because he's dumb, too. I know not that bright you know like think about does he work well with others please family issues you got to worry about the you know you don't want to hold anybody accountable for you know the actions of another girl man but you do have to worry about his family situation yeah he does have hangers on he's got a he's got a whole family situation serious family situation and it and in addition to that right um are we really going to take

an NFL player who's only got one eye I'm sorry his daddy was stronger yeah I'm not going to do that yeah I mean he like think about that just just think about whether you're going to be the guy

who takes that draft pick and that hit in the room right how are you going to explain that to an owner yeah I drafted like a one eyed guy with serious family issues I know one guy who would not draft Thor is Greg William Ursay is like sign me up head.

Let's see. What about the jumpy ones? This one is tricky. Hulk, maybe again? Hulk can jump. Hulk can jump really high. Yeah. I mean, he's...

Hulk jump. He's almost too easy. Right? Like, he's good, though. Like, that's... Yeah, but what if he can't... Does he have to take the Wonderlick as Hulk? wonderlick score

no you know what though I've been still score higher than Thor that's true like what does Thor know Thor doesn't know shit history no probably not no no if it's not about him you don't care yeah you know

like I think he's okay in languages yeah he knows a lot of those yeah that's it he's only good in languages everything else you know which by the way like i don't know being good at languages okay cool mr liberal arts major is that going to help you like make a block i don't think so might help you with a play call play call i don't he's not my center i might might put thwart defensive tackle might a position where i'm just like here go a block but i'm not no i'm not putting him in charge of the line that's an edge rusher edge rusher yeah i don't know man edge rusher requires situational

awareness and he's drunk constantly then again J.J. Watt's pretty good at it. That's the same guy. I'm not taking J.J. Watt to Team Trivia, either. You're aging into a beautiful church later. Come on, man. Thor is from Wisconsin. That's finished. That's established. So much brandy.

He does have, he does, that's when, in Ragnarok, when he goes to Dr. Strange's place, and he just has this gigantic thing of beer, I did actually think, I was like, Oh, go badgers. The thing, I know that, like, you know, Wisconsin fans were looking at that, you know, perpetually refilling mug of beard going like, that's magic I can use. Dr. Strange fellas, all right. Yeah, it's not much strange about this. He seems like Dr. Normal to me.

Dr. Cool-ass Normal. I guess I got to start going to the doctor then. I never been to one of those. So, for the jumpy ones, it was tricky because I sort of thought about, let's go with best flyers. Because if you can fly, you can jump, in my opinion. Interesting. But there's a lot of stipulations here. Like, Superman is out because he sucks and he doesn't work indoors.

Yeah. You can't go with Green Lantern because he's wearing a ring, but he's never won a Super Bowl. It's stolen valor. Yeah. No silver surfer because you can't, you can't fucking surf in Indianapolis. Can I go back to this? Green Lantern, system superhero. Total system superhero.

Oh, absolutely. However, he is a cop, so NFL GMs would like him. Hmm, so like if Mike Leach coached at Notre Dame, that's the quarterback. That is a dark fucking prospect. Man. Also, Silver Surfer is a follower of Galactus, so Silver Surfer is, he's not that dog mentality guy. He's just a follower, just a member of the pack. Galactus, that's a dog mentality.

guy. He'll eat your fucking plant, but he wouldn't fit in Lucas Oil Stadium. Tell me about something you've been through. I survived the big bang of the death of my universe. Galactus fan, which explains a lot. He does have the horns. Galactus whole thing is he's big and hungry as hell. That's his entire character.

He's the big cow of the comic book universe and he does not like you. I survive the heat death of my universe, the Southwest Conference. All of his spring break shirts. Galactus has the sickest Spring red shirt Oh and he has cool boots Oh my God he is Texas

I thought this through I knew it And also he's been taking some Galactus is about nine and three Huge huge headgear Yeah he does Because he loses to the Fantastic Four Like cosmically he's about a nine and three

He is you know the Fantastic Four he loses to Kansas That was Tom Herman The Silver Surfer Georgia No that didn't happen wait Hmm Yeah

I can I would also for the jump for the jumpy ones you know I'd kind of want to put Ant man up there Antman

Antman Antman's great That's a good choice That's a good choice Man Antman is just Antman's an hback man He can be as big

As I need him to be Antman Right technology though And like I don't think you can You can wear anything Other than like dry tech polos And whatnot Into Indianapolis

So I don't know if he works Like Iron Man He can't work here you know like Thor he's hammer you know yeah I considered Captain Marvel

because she can fly fast as shit yeah you know you know who actually would have a great combine I mean out the jump and not too far removed but he would be terrible

in interviews Beast Beast Beast there's a jumping guy that's very smart yeah he's very smart and that's going to be oh that's his problem

I got you yeah they'll be like beast has like beast has way too many interests i need the guys focused on football and this guy's talking can you just like this is the imagine that this guy's talking all this like physics mumbo jumbo can we get that juggernaut guy back in here we i like to him better that was more my type of football football player gruden gruden drafts no gruden signs the juggernaut as a veteran free agent after he's had a knee surgery this guy he just this guy just doesn't know how to close it he's unstoppable he just knocks down walls and that's why i call him the wall knocker downer

wouldn't juggernaut be a better word for that no this guy's the wall knocker downer define word what if for a jumper we do uh our guy doctor strange because he's fast jumping dimensions is pretty much as far as you can jump right yeah and he can do that type of jumping you can jump time He can basically be materialized. Okay. He's also once quoted as saying he's traveling faster than any living being has ever traveled before, and I do not know Dr. Strange to tell a lie. He's got the morals of like a throwback, like a Kenny Stabler type, too.

He's a Kenny Stabler of the Avengers. He is. Because what, remember. In the books he is. Yeah, remember what the Beyonder granted everybody their fondest wish in the Avengers. And what did Dr. Strange wish for? literally two chicks at the same time that was that was dr strange's biggest like i'm saying he's getting drafted at quarterback by the way because recall the end of the dr strange movie

what did he do had no memory just kept coming back to it right through a pictador mamu coming back to it through another picked a dormamu coming back to it that's what you need in a quarterback no memory and how we're going to win uh infinity war because dr strange punted that's right he saw it was the only way it's a field position game He took an intentional safety. He did. He might, that's game management right there. He might throw a million picks, but he's going to throw the one touchdown you need.

My favorite panel is, I think it's Dr. Strange, preparing to battle Satan or something like that. As one does. He finds himself in some predicaments, man. But like someone says something to him while he's meditating, and he says, not now. I need to get into the zone. Auto zone. he's quoting commercials while he's about to battle Satan he's the greatest quarterback quarterback loosening everybody up

freeing him up right constantly thinks he's funny see like a lot of quarterbacks right I see you're in Rogers for the shuttle drill I got a really good one can I run through this one yeah go um so we're gonna go back to Marvel here because for the shuttle drill you need agility DC characters don't have agility they just like spurs bring the straight line in infinity miles an hour I'm fast. It's like can you turn? No it's not cool but like

Marvel they have they have official power grid ratings for each character like you can look and go and like you can actually settle the argument of who is stronger like Mario Kart yeah yeah like they have they have actual like Disney trying to box out Reddit the

right now let's see the power grid ratings are intelligence strength speed durability energy projection and fighting ability. In the 90s, there was a bunch of different versions. There was a trading card where it had agility on there. And those are awesome because everybody sucks at it. Like, uh, Thanos and the Silver Surfer, they're like sixes and sevens out of seven like across the board, except for agility where they're like three. Come on, come on, man. Thanos is a deadlifter. Like, they took one look at his legs and like, let's be generous, give him a three. Like, but like even ones you think can

move, like Daredevil is only a four. Rogue is only a four. you'll like this one Thor is a two that tracks moving sideways I don't do it the only perfect seven I can find is Deadpool

and we know we are not trusting Deadpool in a shuttle we're not trusting him to do shit we don't want to go anywhere near him and also when you say healing factor I hear injury prone okay we're staying away from that guy that's right

I found three sixes Hail Satan Spider Man of course Shatter Star I don't know that guy but he's super, super agile. The other is my pick for the shuttle drill, Nightcrawler of the X-Men.

He's as agile as Spider-Man. This is Canon. He's a trained acrobat, and he can teleport. That's a fucking three-cone drill. And he's German, you know, he's probably out of Boise State. That's right. He's either Boise State or,

Boise State, Florida State, or SMU. They're big on the weird, big on the weird European picks. They've got the weird acrobatic cat people. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Also, though, you know, like, you know, no NFL GM is going to be big on night crawler playing quarterback. What is that?

Oh. She just got it there. Do you want to say why? No. No. No. Maybe he should. play wide receiver that's what yeah that's what an NFL they're gonna they're

take one look and move him yeah that's what an NFL scout will say um also for the interview portion of the combine I'm gonna go with Adam Warlock because that all the time that dude tells Thanos hey Thanos you should kick Thanos his ass and Thanos is like yeah I'll do that Adam Warlock can talk anybody any into anything yeah Adam Warlock's my GM yeah put him in charge of literally anything hands down although if i've if i've got if i have the uh i think i you know the one if i if i had him at undersized linebacker i'm putting tachala at undersized linebacker you know why he can take all that force put it right back at you right that's that's that's a that's a running back like

every time he gets hit he hits them harder like you know what i mean yeah like no that's good he literally builds up power throughout the game also how much would it suck to have a running back who would scratch you. Oh, man. Yeah, Samson should deploy that, in my opinion. Like, you'd be so mad. Can you stay in the game? Yeah, but I'm really annoyed.

I'm so pissed off about, this is, this is just abrasive and unnecessary. Wow. Also, like, you can't prove it. Yeah. Like, what are you going to do? Go to a ref and be like, that guy scratched me? Every you guys say, like, he scratched me on purpose. Yeah, he's Black Panther.

He's like a, he's a brilliant, he's brilliant royalty. And for some reason, one of his superpowers is scratching you real hard. Scratching. Yeah, which, you know. That scratch fever. I have a nasty infection. Ha ha ha. My superpower is staff.