Shutdown Fullcast - Thanksgiving Disasters

Episode Date: November 22, 2019

Perhaps more than any other holiday, Thanksgiving mixes volatile family dynamics, recipes that amateur cooks can easily bungle, travel stress, and the potential for major property damage. That's a mixture primed for disaster and, good LORD, did y'all have some disasters to share with us. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown This the internet's only college football podcast. You know what? A little something different this week. We came into the dulcet tone. and tunes of the original Shutdown Fullcast theme, aka the Shutdown Fullback theme, for those of you with no taste and long memories. Thank you, Keller, for submitting that.

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Let's compromise. Zidico Anniolation Simp. Okay. Annihilation except Natalie Portman's character is Cajun. Ooh, that's what That's a big old rock That's the passion player We can all throw

Instead of watching the Egg Bowl Now if that movie were filmed in Louisiana How would you know the difference You wouldn't You wouldn't They'd be like that bad big We're gonna put him on the defensive line Oh that bear friendly

Look at that swap move I ain't even got to hunt that bear I came in my house I have one other thing I have to do Protect Limer in a pot Before we get going My best friend turned into a tree Oh, no, no, no, that happened to my friend Boudreau.

That's fine. This is just a reminder for anybody who doesn't follow me on Twitter that the Rutgers University, the Rutgers University Police Department Chief is named Kenneth Cop. Bullshit. What? You can go there. You can go to Rutgers.edu. You can find Kenneth Cop, Executive Director of Public Safety, Chief of University Police.

Spell Cop. C-O-P. No! No! We're talking, we're talking Ken cop, school cop. It was, it was, and it was, it was pointing out to me that in his rise to become chief cop, he was officer cop, sergeant cop, lieutenant cop, commander cop, commander cop. So you're telling me this dude walked around for however many decades on the force with a badge that said cop. Yeah, that's right.

wow my mind just blown y'all my first reaction is obviously wow my second reaction is ruckers week is truly eternal and following us everywhere my third reaction is if i were a cop this would be a way to get away with anything i'm pretty sure um i somebody said this and i haven't totally fact-checked it but he has i believe a sister in the ruckers athletic hall of fame who was a women's basketball player in the 90s um her name is sherald cop note this is the second episode in what three weeks discussing the Rutgers Athletics Hall of Fame which last year some will not be the last real yeah so um wait my third reaction is uh uh my third reaction is what's his badge number 911 Jesus that actually really is Rudy Giuliani's badge

number but for different reasons. His bad number is cop cop um from now on if you say see me in public. I'm referring to my right bicep as Hank Wreckers and my left bicep as Kenneth Cop. My third nipple is Cheryl Copp. I'm being Ryan. I don't have one. If you would

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Because he will forward it to us. Yes. nicest man so that's a disaster of an opening hey segue nailed it nailed it i loved it i was grateful for it as in giving thanks see now you're no that's next week now you're doing too much no yeah too much i'm already grateful though what a new experience for you i'm in the season i'm feeling it no this is entirely appropriate i'm tired like when i look at pat maccafee's face on television i'm that tired Is Pat McAfee human oven cleaner? Does he just suck all the oxygen out of a room?

Hey! He might be the first actual energy vampire I've ever seen. Like, I'm still in there, even though I'm, even though it's like week 19 or whatever the season, I'm still in the habit of flipping the Thursday night football. And I turn the game on and I see Adam. And I'm like, oh, Adam, my friend, let's settle in for a long night. And then I see or hear either Matt Hasselbeck or the other one and all the life just drains from my body. so tired they're great when it's a big moment but not every moment is a big moment not on thursday

night in november no yeah there are no big moments in nc state georgia tech when the aces two worst teams are playing and that's saying a lot big moments are going to be few and far between my my hot take is pat maccabee is fine it doesn't like yeah i think overall it balances out the fine my main quibble with this broadcast team is that i can't tell him apart from Hasselbeck and so it's just like one dude who's talking over Adam the entire time I need them to be split up because they sound exactly the same well I think my my think from since like week two has been we need the the Xbox one notification at the bottom where it's like it shows the name of the person speaking yes yeah if you're gaming online this tells you who is calling you a racial slur that's less likely to happen on ACC Thursday Night Football Broadcast. Not as unlikely as it used to be.

Wow. At least it'll tell you who is a little too excited about a fourth soundbook. Wow. Colin Cow turd-73 was the guy who called me that inappropriate thing. Okay, cool. Is that name taken?

I don't know. You should check. Be careful. This is how we ran up. This is how we wound up with Wolf Dick 69 as all of our burner accounts. No, Ryan, your gamer tag is Kenneth Kopp. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Wait, does Ken Bone know Kenneth Cop?

Again, why do, not all Ken's are related. I don't know where this is coming from. Where is they are? But, speaking of Thursday night. Wait, there's a Ken Bone who's not that Ken Bone. He's the basketball head coacher. He's the associate basketball head coach at Pepperdine. How are we now in an episode?

where Spencer and Jason are trying to keep us on track, and Holly keeps redirecting us. Kenneth Walter Bone. Water finds its level. Water finds its level. Thursday. I told you, I turned on Thursday night. This is the Thanksgiving Disasters episode.

We're going to talk about Thanksgiving disaster. You know what we should do? God, being talked over by a bunch of men. What a new experience online. What we should do is we should. have I was ready for safety zone we should have a shutdown

disaster's disaster episode that's just the Atlanta live show we already made that that was no that was the live show disaster episode it's it's the one it's the episode where I had to produce it with me

doing the director's commentary it's the one right before where right before Spencer got in decided to attack John Popper and totally derailed I think like a semi-final preview show. Yeah.

If you have facts about John Popper, please at him and Stephen Godfrey in the same tweet. Hey, Ryan. You know what we're recording in like two or three weeks? Same final previews again. God damn it. The hook is bringing us back. No! No!

No! Don't you start that. No! No! I can throw some. at least bring a harmonica if you're going to do this like the record shows we're on video that I just found

I picked up a hatchet You do not want to give me a harmonica on a life mic Yes we do we need Oh yeah we do Spencer we need theme music Hold on what if blues traveler sends us theme music Yeah Harmonicas can't be hard

I'll look you all up Hey buddy we'd like to extend a piece of suffering. Would you like to come on our podcast? But not you. Just your hominica. Does anybody know about Ragamuffin Day? No. Oh, so on topic.

Is this like Rutgers president? Ragamuffin's Day was arrested this afternoon. So I'm sure you're all aware of the Macy's Thanksgiving parade and Chicago has one like it. There are both cities that have one like it. Okay. Thanks, Holly.

good yes anding there. Nope. These parades exist in part because they were trying to quash what was the original Thanksgiving Day, New York City specifically tradition, which was Ragamuffin Day, which was the thing where children would dress up like homeless New Yorkers, and they would go door to door asking for money and food. on Thanksgiving. They were not themselves

like homeless kids who were, you know, trying to get a bite to eat. They just like, were like, hey, can I, can we have some candy and some money, please? Um,

and the New York Times in 1930 wrote several articles in an attempt to end the tradition that the children were annoying adults on Thanksgiving Day. And so, um, organizations popped up in the late 30s

to start hosting Thanksgiving Day parades so that children would not go beg for money on Thanksgiving. I mean this with all my heart. What the shit? What's wrong? What's wrong with all of you? And that's why we have giant balloons that sometimes kill people. At the first Macy's Day parade with the giant balloons, at the end, they let them fly into the sky, and they all exploded.

Okay, that part's good, right? They were not expecting that, and I'm trying to imagine what it must have been like as a kid to be like, cool, a Rudolph balloon, oh my God! Well, it's like 1915, so like the characters are like, asbestos man. Yeah. Mexican Joe. Oh, there goes, tuberculosis man. The Kaiser, look. Look, he's going into the sun.

Oh, we've finally blown him out of the sky. Racist Mickey Mouse, good way. Farewell. But you repeat yourself. I don't know, probably. Woodrow Wilson. God, that balloon's so realistic and frail. Fuck you, Woodrow Wilson.

That's right. So I just want, as we get ready to talk about some Thanksgiving disasters, I want everybody to know, it used to be worse because while your Thanksgiving was going south, random children were ringing your doorbell and asking for money. Mocking the homeless Remember, that's an important part of this whole equation, right? Yeah, yeah.

New York, always the leader in culture and empathy. Yeah, go dress up like a homeless guy. That is so, do you know what explains Howard Stern? Do you know what explains everything about New York? Hey, why don't you just get your kids, dress them up like some bums, and go send them out. It'll be hilarious. This asshole Halloween. Yeah. That's all most New York culture is, is asshole Halloween. Just one form or another of it.

Yeah, Santa Con is asshole Halloween. Wouldn't it be funny if you just went and you were just like a total dick? That'd be great. When Notre Dame went there last, they dressed up as the New York Yankees. Yeah. Dresses up like assholes every time they go there. St. Patrick's Day is asshole Halloween. Yeah, this is actually tracking. I would argue that, the marathon is the only thing in the city that isn't asshole Halloween. Yeah, but that's marathons across, like, everywhere. There's no such thing as a negative marathon, right? There's no marathon where people get together

and they're like, you suck. Oh! Collie, when we announced that we were doing a Thanksgiving Disasters episode, you were the, I think you were confident that you were going to have the worst one. Oh, yeah. You have said that you have retracted that based on the submissions but i retracted that almost immediately this got dark in a hurry but i but i am

curious before we dive into the submissions what is your thanksgiving disaster that's very sweet of you to lob that up for me because it's a story all three of you know very well uh related parts of it on the podcast before and it's known to most people online because while i did not tweet through it I was mad as shit about it after it. I, it was, now I forget what year was it. It was the Thanksgiving after I'd gotten married. And my husband and I were in charge of day after Thanksgiving breakfast for our combined families, which was like 15 people.

And we were cooking bacon, like 12 pieces at a time. on broiler pans in the oven which is the best way to cook bacon this is not in dispute and my mother-in-law where they lived then they had one of those double ovens and one of the ovens was uh significantly above the height of my eyes that will become important in a moment uh and as i'm saying my eyes i'm realizing this actually could have been a lot worse uh i was pulling a tray of bacon off the top shelf in the top oven and Could not see because it was above the level of my head that the extremely shallow boiler pan we were cooking it on. The bottom of it had filled up with grease.

And so when I pulled the pan out of the oven, the grease sloshed out of the pan. It did not hit me in the face, which is great. What's less great is that it hit my leg and melted my tights to my skin pretty immediately. my sister-in-law had a partner who was an army medic who got me immediately into the shower as soon as he figured out what I was screaming about it took them a minute because I had black tights on

and I was just standing there holding a pan screaming bloody murder I guess I was kind of in shock when they pulled my tights off all my skin came off I did not go to the hospital right away because my father-in-law was a doctor and he was like keep it clean you're fine uh and then a couple days later i was like do i have a fever uh and that's how i discovered that grady hospital in elana has uh one of the only level one trauma burn centers uh in this part of the country and they're

quite excellent i'll tell you this they're they're quite excellent over the six months it took the wound on my leg to close up after which i was left with So I was left with two things. Three things. The knowledge of what my own flesh smells like when it is cooking, which is truly something that will never leave my head. That's a very deep, like, limbic horror. Yeah. Sure.

A scar on my leg, which I have alluded to before, which is in the shape of an enormous purple dick, flaccid. Please don't ever try to talk me out of this. my own mother was trying to comfort me about it as I lay in a hospital bed. And she's like, oh, honey, I'm sure it's not that. She's pulling back the sheet. And she's like, oh, I'm sure it's not that. That's a penis. Wait, is that the podcast business dick?

Oh, God, it might be. It is the original podcast business dick. The third and maybe worst thing of all of this is that this was the day before the kick-s and I fucking missed it. I was supposed to cover my first Iron Bowl the next day. I didn't get to go because I had a huge open wound on my leg and was bandaged from hip to ankle

and hadn't really figured out how to walk on crutches yet. But it's okay because it just turned out to be the funniest football moment of our generation, maybe in modern history and I was supposed to be there in person. So there's a CODA? to this, which is that the next year we went back for Thanksgiving again.

And it's Friday morning, we're making breakfast again. And all through Thanksgiving, everyone had been making these little jokes, you know. Oh, hey, Holly, we better not let you take that pan. Ha, ha, ha. And I had spent... Empathy is hard. Who, boy. Let me tell you, but this is an entire Commonwealth Cup family.

So they're not big on empathy. And I should, I'm just kidding. They're lovely people. But they had jokes, right, the next year. And I, having been, having spent from November until March, showering with my leg in a garbage bag to keep myself from getting Mersa and dying, didn't think it was super funny. So I put up with the jokes for about 36 hours.

And then on Friday morning, I found myself alone in the kitchen. and I looked, I had not planned this, it just happened. I looked left, looked right, and I let out a blood-curdling shriek at the top of my lungs, and everybody came into the kitchen, and I was like, are we done with the jokes? We're not married anymore. I don't know how much that contributed to it, but I don't feel like it extended our relationship very much. here is my question and it goes back to the kick six part of the story yes how many auburn or alabama fans do you think we're at that game with a burn roughly as bad as yours

at least 15% okay and penis shaped yeah but those are from and or penis burns that that's a culture that probably has a higher instance of penis shaped branding irons that i would find in my own family sure yeah they get up to some wild shit round lake martin just ask pat die uh anyway i thought that was going to be the worst that that was my worst thanksgiving ever um even worse than the time i had to dance in the macy's parade and ate thanksgiving dinner at planet hollywood oh my god i don't love thanksgiving y'all man that's dark that's real dark i was disabused of the notion that i knew what a bad thanksgiving was very rapidly uh by our own readers like to imagine that Bruce Willis was also eating Thanksgiving dinner at that planet

Hollywood by himself, just sobbing quietly. Oh, wow. That's, that really throws the whole thing into a sharp relief. Yeah, you're right. You're welcome. You're welcome. All right. Um, but yeah, I, I was very shortly, uh, put in the rearview mirror by many of our readers who sped right past us with their own darkness. And for that, I congratulate you. Jason and Spencer, I don't have one, but I do want to make sure you have the opportunity to share things. Thanksgiving woe of your own, if you so choose. Jason, do you have one? So it's not mine. It is my wife's.

Okay. This was her first thing. Let me actually back up. So we have, we have sort of a... This isn't the McDonald's fire, is it? No, you know all about the time she committed arson at the age of two or three or whatever. Yeah, because she's a legend. I was like, do you want to come on to tell it? And she's like, no!

So it's significantly more. Does she listen to this podcast? No, she's way too smart for that. Oh, very smart. Very smart on her part. So this is significantly more traumatic for her than the time she burned down a building. So we have this character on this program and on the general college of all the large of the Midwestern person. It is best typified as of late by Dan Dierdorf, Michigan announcer.

We've also done like, you know, Ohio State Bro. war dad we have this subcommodant wane this has taken many forms yeah this is our general midwestern character but this is more of a big tin east if we're talking big tin west north big 12 that is an entirely different kind of midwest that is where you find phrases like salt of the earth wholesome traditional you know welcoming cinnamon rolls and chili there's also yeah we'll we'll take we'll take freaking anything and and try to endure it so my wife is from Kansas, which a lot of people hear that and they say they begin to laugh because ha ha ha Kansas, how lame. I think Kansas is pretty great because everyone there is nice.

She comes from like, you know, big, huge welcoming family. We're all going to pile into a huge, you know, everyone has prepared meals. It's all going to be wonderful and wholesome and holding hands and singing and like the who's in Whoville. Everything is going to be completely wonderful. She moves to Georgia. Hmm. First mistake. Right. Her first Thanksgiving with the entire Kirk family. Oh dear. Yeah. So, a little bit less effort.

Jason, what's your family like? Let's say a little bit less effort went into her first Thanksgiving in Georgia. I'm going to give you two words, all right? The second one is flatter. Good. The first one is Zach's beat. for the record that would be the hardest final puzzle on wheel of 14 I didn't know xaxby's did platters honestly well for thanksgiving heck sure they do

so yeah is it thanks there is a z in thanks isn't there thanksgiving thanksgiving years later I was like you want to tell this on the podcast and she's like no so Yeah, I mean, now she's... What was in the Zaxby's platter? I would assume nothing but chicken tenders. But now she's completely commandeered Thanksgiving. Like, she'll roll up. She's like, I'll do it myself.

You know, she'll completely prepare a completely wonderful, awesome meal. And, you know, and, like, she's since recruited the rest of the family into joining in. So now we are a traditional Midwestern family. Recruited or conscripted. Yeah. They were vastly, vastly, vastly improved. say that. Zaxbys, would you

want to send a message? We don't care. God is dead. Eat it Saxbys. Oh yeah, that was neat wasn't it? Spencer?

So, this was a... You had Thanksgiving at Waterberger. I did. And that wasn't the worst Thanksgiving. That's probably one of his better ones. Yeah. It was

it was way better so um i had a thanksgiving where um my uncle and my aunt and my mom all got into a screaming fight like out of nowhere like i think this fight started 30 years prior right like it started and it never stopped so it's like it's like it's like kimchi right you just let it sit right it's like well it's like it's like a video game where you wander into a village and villagers start fighting, but before you were there, they were just not, they weren't even there. They, like, they've hated each other for 30 years. This is like a fucking, this is like a fucking whack conference rivalry.

Yeah, I think they, I think they were all Manchurian candidating each other, right? Like, they heard one word and they were like, must kill the queen, right? Like, they were all sleeper cells. And something, something on a random Thanksgiving involving ping pong and someone's kid getting insulted just blew the hell up and it was kind of an unseasonably warm thanksgiving i remember so i came out my new clothes and i had just hit like that specific level of like prepubescent fat that you get and i uh the pants were kind of tight and i felt really awful and everyone had already screamed at everyone right and i think the dog had stolen some

sort of thing off of the table of food right not the turkey but something turkey had adjacent, right? So the dog couldn't even fuck things up right. The dog was like, ooh, cranberry, you know? You're like, no, you're supposed to drag the bird off dramatically. And it's like, nope, cranberry with the ridges from the can on it, you know? And I remember walking out and I was like, I don't, I don't belong on this earth. This is really all bad. I'm just going to sit here, will myself to die. And I walked out in my new Thanksgiving outfit and my aunt, goes hey your flies down and it was and at that point i didn't commit suicide and and nothing is nothing's been able to kill me since okay heartwarming heartwarming yeah hey here's the good news it's gonna get worse i can't believe you don't have one ryan i no we've had like my so crack open your rib cage My parents are both from California, and we did not do family travel for Thanksgiving, so we always just had like Thanksgiving. So you stayed in Tampa and everything was great? Here's the thing.

When you live in Tampa, like, you judge everything by that metric. So we went to Outback Steakhouse. No, we had, we had, we had, my mom, my mom cooks food. Oh, cool. I will say, the saddest thing is that maybe like three years ago, I was home for Thanksgiving. and my my mom is making a big dinner even though there's only like seven of us or something but she's like well if you have to have this side and we have to like your sister likes that and i got to make this and blah blah blah and as we're sitting down she takes she looks at the food and she says

you know i don't even like any of this food like that's fucked up so that is i will say that is why i have started my own personal crusade of like if you are in charge of cooking and you don't like traditional Thanksgiving food make something else make something good that you can share with people but I've I cooked the last two thanksgivings I'm not doing it this year and we did Mexican food one year and Italian food the second year and it was and everybody was fine with it this is a good rule but be careful because your family might just order Zach's people I was going to say that's how Well, New York is, New York was too poor for Zaxby's.

New York doesn't even have the culture to have a Zaxby's, so. Hmm. Wasn't coming up. Holly, you have one that you really want to read, so I'm not going to hook about it. I have one that's like, anybody cut in front of you here. I have one that's at best Thanksgiving adjacent. It doesn't really involve a food disaster or anything, but, uh, from user Vandy import on Twitter, uh, who says his Thanksgiving disaster was Thanksgiving at my girlfriend.

where my newly widowed mother asked my girlfriend's mother if she thought my girlfriend and I were living together as brother and sister does not say whether or not this was true does say my mother went on to marry my first cousin once removed making me my own second cousin they divorced and are living in sin and then in a subsequent tweet reveals that although this tale is bama as hell Yeah, his mom's from my hometown. I just thought that was really special. Wow. I have a similar one, if I may.

Yeah. This is from Dimitri Ravenos, who's a friend of the show. This is Thanksgiving 2000. I had come home from college and found out my parents were separated. I went to see how my dad was doing. He told me that he didn't want to reconcile because he had been unhappy for a while. I told him if that's how he felt he needed to tell Mom because she was confident they could work things out.

They had been married for 20 years. She invited him to Thanksgiving dinner. He walked in the door holding flowers, gave them to Mom, and said, I want a divorce in front of my whole extended family. Whoa. Mom burst into tears. My aunt asked my dad what he was thinking,

and my dad pointed right at me and said, he told me to do it. This was the first Thanksgiving, my then-girlfriend, now wife, spent with my family. And every year, she is aware of the looming threat a bouquet brings with it to any holiday. What the? Oh, my. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, we're going to, don't worry. We're going to get to some here that are, like, food got ruined. And we didn't have a good time. But, like, just understand. Yeah, we're getting some heavy stuff out of the way. Just understand Thanksgiving. When you say Thanksgiving can go bad

It can go so bad I'm just gonna go Like I was like well when do I do this one Because I just think it's perfection And you know do I save it I'm just gonna hit you with it now He wrote mine next to it in the show notes in all caps Yeah let's do this let's get our

Let's get our heavy ones out of the way No I'm just like no I'm going This is a kind of heavy one Oh Jesus I just read this one So we're eating we're eating the mashed potatoes first That's right That's right

And they're raw We've got to create a layer of starch At the bottom of our tomtoms Yeah what we're doing Is we're eating an entire bucket of mashed potatoes And having the postmeal bourbon Before we actually start eating

Right Establishing a base of sediment It's a great river That flows through Thanksgiving It needs a bottom Oh hold that pot We got a couple of garbage disposal stories At Torque Split 1

I was stationed in Korea, we're already off to a great start. This is fantastic. Thanksgiving morning I called my girlfriend and she broke up with me. It's getting better. I started drinking Jack at 9.30 a.m. After that, I hit on a girl that ended up being my CO's girlfriend and topped it off later by accidentally setting a local bar on fire. So this is a theme we're going to revisit. it on this episode are several of you several of you sent in stories where the core story has nothing to do with fire but it ends with something on fire for unrelated reasons is it possible that so station in korea is it possible the bar was in north korea and this was like international

incident an act of war yes yeah i listen any story that ends with and then i accidentally set a bar on fire you automatically put a file in my head that says accidental bar arson, and then that implies the existence of intentional bar arson. Well, intentional bar arson is definitely, have you even been to the Atlantic coast of Florida? Yeah, no, that's very true. Also, I just imagine, like, when he's like, I accidentally set a bar on fire in Korea, I imagine some very tiny little place in an extremely dense city

that has 30 people in, like, 30 square feet, right like go take the stool on the ceiling and he's like I got a flame and moe so it looks like in the sims like when one square is on fire the entire bar is okay yeah and it being Korea there's people who did not leave the bar

because they're like I was at work 16 hours straight and I am going to be drinking for another eight and then I will get zero seconds of sleep and I will go right back to work and this bar can burn and all I need to do is drink so I can feel something? I have drank through worse. God damn it. Hey, John Ho, this guy thinks he should leave the bar because it's on fire.

Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, happy Thanksgiving, bitch. This is how we realized Korea is in Wisconsin. Korea is totally in Wisconsin. Are you kidding me? Jason, you can either give us your, if you have a heavy one, or if you want to pull us out of this skin, you're welcome to. Let's go for a moment of levity from internet subscriber C. Kopech, probably. Two. Good hedge, good hedge.

Yeah, let's just do both at once. Two mashed potatoes related issues. Oh, no. One. And I feel like these are like separate years. One, two high heat at the end and the bottom burned and they tasted like cigarettes. so we've ruined the potatoes but that sort of ties into number two number two brother making potatoes sister bumped into him knocked a bottle of champagne into the pot we all got kind of yeah so we got

boozy infused mashed potatoes so you got champagne and cigarettes that's new year so here's my thing about this story when you knock over a bottle of wine it's not like a bucket where you're like all of the liquid is out like you have time to keep most of the liquid in the bottle there was a decision somebody made at that point where they were like fuck it these are champagne mashed potatoes sure let's see where this goes yeah like let's not pretend that this was just like we had no choice like a decision was made i think these are these are smashed potatoes because they'll get you smashed i think you sound pretty fucking awesome and i might try them on purpose champagne champagne makes everything better and everyone better

also. Yeah, you can tell people it's classy. That's the nice thing. Champa potatoes. Champagne Champagne, Zach. I saw Ina do this. You know it's got to be good. And please, don't at me and say Ina Garten has never had champagne-infused mashed

potatoes. You know she has. I mean, I will say this. Ina Garten has at least made that combination organically by consuming both at the same time. By the way, can I just say what a love goddam evening it would be to just be like what are you doing gonna eat this entire bowl of mashed potatoes and drink this bottle of champagne i mean you've had worse nights on this earth

than that man no it's like it's like yeah i'm just gonna pound grilled cheese and drink rosé all night long i see i don't see a problem with any of these constructions in theory nothing but stuffed crust pizza and champagne holly holly you're up next let's see what do I want what do I want I'm going to go with user bacon flavoring which is I can't believe that Twitter name is still available but I'm proud you're one of our listeners bacon flavoring the night before Thanksgiving we went to a restaurant highly recommended by my grandparents I ordered a chicken sandwich they asked if I wanted cheese I said sure well that's your mistake they brought out a fried chicken sandwich with craft single fused to the middle

of the chicken. The waiter noticed I was confused and asked me if I wanted more cheese, so I said yes, and he brought out another craft single in a bowl. This is the entry that most reads, like, Drill owns a restaurant. He did not say, but I really,

I'm sorry, I don't know if this is a he reader or a she reader, a shreader. Um, but he doesn't mention whether the rapping was still on the craft single when it was in the bowl and I really

want to know. Oh, yeah, it's like serving a fish where you serve a bowl to show that it's fresh. Yeah, you don't eat the wrapping, but fresh how you know, this is how you know it's a good one. Yeah, you cook it yourself. It's like fondue. That sounds more like a fond d'ol.

My wife. Craft time. Can I read a very confusing one? Preferably. This, all right, mostly I'm confused by the, and maybe y'all can help me here, but there's a, there's a assumption here that I don't understand, and it's in the first sentence. This is from Dirtbag Queer on Twitter. Dad's family was real into pumpkin chucking TV shows. What is that?

Is that a thing? Oh, oh, okay. No, this was... Right, let's explain. Yeah, this was a thing. Let the Tennesseans explain. Yeah, this was a thing. I forget the exact name of the show.

Yeah. Where... Let's say pumpkin chunkers. Yeah. With a Z. I don't think... I think you're actually like really close to the actual name of this show. It was like, I'm pretty sure it was...

No, I'm pretty sure it was just called Pumpkin Chunkin. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's pretty good. And if in case you think that is the stupidest show... No, wait, or was that the potato gun show? No, in case you think this is the stupidest show from the era of Peak Filler TV, let me remind you, there was an entire reality show about people who made luxury aquariums, okay?

Right. Yeah, this is not even close. So this is a real thing. Punkin' Chunkin was the name of the show. And one particular edition. event was called punk and chunkin all caps super chunk with uh with an exclamation point right all right so to continue the story a couple of my rowdier uncles built a rickety catapult in one uncle's backyard in the summer never tested it on thanksgiving they vaporized we'll work through this in pieces

first of all yes we have multiple rowdy uncles so this is already trending that based on past disaster episodes. Second, they've constructed a weapon, a siege weapon, and third, they have not tested it. Yeah. Well, what would you? That's the part. That's the part I wanted to get to was no testing. Of course.

Yeah. What, it's not a Honda? I don't have to. Government can't make me. It's not school. On Thanksgiving, they vaporized a pumpkin against the back of the house. So for the record, you may have thought the not tested

catapult was a pro was that was the turn in the catapult worked i was in the gut splash zone and i reeked for weeks the gut splash zone you know we love any story that includes a splash zone this this story has so much to it it's one of my favorites it's maybe the like least that i can identify with as a thanksgiving activity but maybe i should maybe i'm missing out maybe i need to find some rowdy uncles and start pumpkin chucking. So the the punk and chunkin TV show I think I found what got it

canceled. Oh. Here's a headline. Did someone die? Injured punk and chunkin producer Disappointed show is off. Faces Long recovery. Suzanne Darkeesian's memory of the explosion is hazy. Oh my God.

It continues on from there. Wow. What an awesome country we have. Yeah. I would like to cover At King Told Me That One, is the first one on the sheet. Let me tell you, it contains one of my favorite things in any sort of piece of casting, which is this. A woman who, after years of taking care of other people, has absolutely had it. One year, we let my grandmother cook the two.

turkey. Let is doing a lot of work there. Okay. Let me. Based on the average age of a listener to our show or even the range, like anyone's grandmother has probably cooked a shit ton and is not looking for you to let them do it. Yeah. And let me go ahead and just dispel maybe an assumption in some of your heads before we get

to the next part. Grandma might not enjoy cooking. Right? Like, oh, my granny, she really enjoys cooking. Granny might be sick of this crap Granny might be like Dear God If I got to put

Another set of eggs On some whiny little Shit's plate Again Just because I'm their grandmother I just want to have a lean pocket But you got to come to my house And now I got to cook

All I want to do is go down to the puffy muffin Get a coffee No the puffy muffin is a real place No puppy muffin is a real No, no. That sounds like a come on. It still is. Is that not a picket-in-like?

I just want to go down to the chunky pumpkin. Take me down to the chunky pumpkin. Take me down to the puffy muffin and get my pumpkin chunk. That's what my grandmother would do. I bet. I heard that about her. No. She would never cook and she would drive her cart.

My grandmother drove one speed and one speed only in a cutlass, all right? She drove at one speed. I'm sorry, Olds 88. She had Olds 88. And she would drive it 50. Those things will go. She would drive at 55 miles an hour everywhere. Highway, 55 miles an hour.

Through an orphanage, 55 miles an hour. There is, you are, like, verging between, between this detail and Puffy Muffin. There's a killer, Mike, there's a killer Mike verse in here. I still don't know what the Puffy Muffin is, but it sounds like a pickup line. It's a, hey, Grandma, bring that Puffy Muffin' Over here. It is a breakfast establishment. It is a breakfast establishment in Brentwood, Tennessee, where my grandmother would go after getting her hair dyed. her muffin puff.

It's still open. Still open. She would go and get her hair dyed with only the firmest, most unholy black hair dye, because that was natural, and would go at 55 miles an hour through that parking lot and come to a screeching halt and go to the puffy muffin, okay? Do you know why? Because she didn't want to cook for anyone, all right? She's going to go to the puffy muffin.

All right. So, back to the turkey and the grandmother cooking it. Someone said fairly quietly This is a lot drier than last year's That person is the one who gets everyone killed All right In the story You gotta jettison this person from the friend group

And if you don't know who it is in your friend group It's you It's you Yeah yeah yeah If you're on the lifeboat And you can't spot this person Throw yourself overboard Note

King told me that one says It was way drier She She overheard it and proceeded to throwing all the food in the trash because we weren't grateful enough for it. Yeah! Yes! What a fucking flex!

What an amazingly fucking flex! What a dawn! Staring the little bastard right in the eye while she begs it very slowly. No, by the way. You know what's moist the trash? Your bones will be dry. You're insides. After you starve to death and your body is taken.

by the winds and erosion Why don't you go over to queer dirtbag's house and get blast in the face with a rotten pumpkin I assure you

that's not dry If you weren't wet food so bad Why don't you go down to the puppy muffin? Yeah, get your worthless asses in the old 88 All of you

and then why don't you just truck yourself on down to the puppy muffin? I will say this for our collective raising we are all of childbearing slash born age now and most of our children are old enough to be real shitbirds now i feel like even when this show began we would have sided with the grandmother absolutely yes oh yeah yeah yeah also i'm sorry this still sounds like a pickup line like hey girl

bring that puffy muffin over here so here's the here's the disappointing thing about the puppy muffin i just looked at the menu it's not slang for pussy grabbing there is nothing disappointing sir The menu's totally normal. It's just like keesh, french toast. Yeah, you know what that means. They totally fucking bailed. Oh, fuck you, Brentwood. Yeah, pretty much.

Fuck you. Pretty much. I want to, there are a few here that sort of have a common, terrifying theme. The first is from Cerberus 200X. Thanksgiving morning, the oven permanently flipped itself to broil while mom was making a cherry pie. We had to, we had to unplug it in order to get it to stop to get to get to get to stop and borrowed every oven in the neighborhood to finish cooking the lattice was a bit charcoaly the server has included a picture it's horrifying but the filling was delicious there are at least two other stories on here that include like an oven that won't turn off and they're they're horrifying like I don't know what to do is this a

thing that happens? I think you just sell your house very quickly. Okay. Because the other one, we got one from Reddit from JW 11111, and to skip to like the main, basically what happened was his wife cooked a turkey in a disposable foil turkey

pan, poked a hole in the bottom, a bunch of turkey juice, and grease leaked out, and created some sort of electrolyte reaction where all the electric starters were simultaneously activated and wouldn't And he said

So The dog was barking Continuously at the possessed stove No one could figure out how to unplug it Because it was built into a kitchen island And so a group of 16 people All ate Thanksgiving dinner With the stove loudly going

Click click click click click click click click click And a howling docks And a howling dockson That sucks Yeah that's a socks that's beautiful man yeah who was next here

I think it's you Jason okay this comes to us from Ian is tweeting on Reddit no tweeting is in his name pay attention parents buy a vacation home with two ovens

shit the ovens are back the lower double ovens are back this one's bad big group one turkey per oven the lower turkey isn't touched until I make a sandwich before my flight home Friday. I start to feel ill in the car. Bored plane sprint to bathroom at the 10,000 foot bell,

throw up violently pass out. A welcome by crew 40 minutes later, get sick again and then faint in aisle. It's the swine flu era, so they attempt to land the plane in Portland, but can't, so continue to Seattle. Paramedics carrying me off the flight. Four hours after symptoms, four hours after symptoms begin, my heart rate is about 200 beats per minute, over 200 beats per minute, which I suspect in the case the entire time. Obviously food poisoning, but in five, hours, I lost 14 pounds. Jesus Christ! Did this...

That's not food poisoning, that's contagion. No, that's drinking from the wrong grail. This is, you are an NFL offensive lineman, and you have played an overtime game. That's cutting off your arm. Yeah. Worst part, I missed the Apple Cup I'd flown home early for. Now, I followed up with Ian, I said, which Apple Cup? Because we know one, that if you had attended, it would have been even worse than

throwing up 14 pounds on a plane. Turns out it was 2009, which means it was the year after. Ian had to watch the Cropel Cup a year later think, oh, everything will be better than that, and somehow find something even worse. That's his own Crapel Cup.

You know what? I'm just going to salute, by the way. The plane was Ian's Craple Cup. Dave, I'm going to do this one real quick, only because I actually disagree with the premise here. I think this is not a disaster. Okay.

At David Y. Cook. And this involves another user, which is amazing. Yeah, the snitching here was really fantastic. But it was good. And I'm actually going to defend the snitch. Wait, this guy tagged. This guy snitch tagged his friend. Yes.

Yes. Which I think that's a strong move. But I'm actually going to defend the snitche here. Okay. We had a friend's Thanksgiving during graduate school. And Angry Stevens. contribution that's at Angry Steven on Twitter

Okay, I thought that was just a guy called Angry Steven Angry Steven I mean maybe he is Yeah, that's Godfrey We already know it. Oh yeah This fucking guy calls him angry Stephen You bum! An Angry Stevens contribution

was a ham However, he forgot to thaw the ham Before trying to cook it So he showed up with this ham Five hours after we've already eaten Okay, let me tell you What would really improve my Thanksgiving? So he's Hungry, Steve.

You're talking about ham fourth meal. Yes! Because think about it. That's about when, if you've completely recovered from the insulin crack, right. Like, everyone, like, you've already watched the horrible NFL games that are inevitably scheduled for that day. And the Cowboys lose 16 to 17. Right.

And you're getting ready to settle in with, you know, in, like, in better times, the egg bowl's on, right? and then maybe, I don't know, Texas A&M LSU is on or whatever college game we have on, right? On Thanksgiving. And you're feeling a little peckish, but you don't necessarily want to like, you know, hammer the carbohydrates again because you've already been on that roller coaster twice that day, right?

It's an extensively thought out case for night ham. And then all of a sudden, a dude shows up with a piping hot delicious ham. That's perfect. Ham Sansa! is here. Yeah, man. It's hamta claws.

It's hamta claws, right? How is it piping hot? It was only recently thawed. Yeah, but if he showed up five hours, like, why would you show up five hours late with a ham that you hadn't finished cooking? Let's not ask him, just eat. At that point, you know, you'd wait for the six. So I think it's fair to assume it's at least warm ham. Okay, I'll settle for warm ham.

Yeah, but like he rolls, he rolls up, like, with the clutch ass ham, right? Clutch hand. Clutch hand. Thus introducing He's what's up I got this clutch ham for your puffy muffin. Wow.

So angry Stephen did reply to this in defense of himself quote, this is slanderous. To which personal attorney Michael Rice replies,

it's liable, but only if it's not true. So that is since No, I'm with Spencer. This isn't a disaster. Yeah, no. If I've forgotten

that you're coming, like think about it. If you're an and a half late i can be mad if you show up five hours late clearly you're just you're just doing something different if you're five hours late i have forgotten you exist yeah and you know what shit bonus ham i'm happy to see you and oh shit you brought a ham you're that fucking mbp yeah good job angry stephen good job steven holly what you can pick one now okay sorry i'm gonna go with wayward Ohioan

who says first Thanksgiving on my own didn't realize you needed to start thawing the turkey the night before called my mom to ask if there was a fast way to follow it at like 1 p.m. She laughed so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear

like you see in TV shows had a ham sandwich God. See? Once again Ham saving the day clutch ham night ham but this is also this is also like this shows you the two sides of the coin because this person decided to give up the two sides of the loin that's right the ham hero ham hero said no i don't care that i haven't thought it yet i will press through and i will finish when i started tell us about a time when you trusted in night ham and we're rewarded i will tell you too i don't know does this lead to us selling warm ham night's shirt on home field apparel. It absolutely. Yeah, and that's definitely,

and they're definitely Arkansas themed, 100%. Yeah. Warm ham nice. Let me, let me tell you, by the way. Hold on, warm ham Oriole Stadium. Oh, God. Houston butt.

Hey, that's a really fucking good idea. Yeah. With Mitch Mustard. Wow. The, it goes with ham. the context here with ham by the way I am entirely fascinated by my reaction

to the suggestion that ham be the post meal meal because normally when you see ham at a holiday at like noon you're like it's a little too early for all this ham this little much it's like cold slimy I'm not really feeling it but man some night ham like a little bit of biscuit night ham ham biscuits are actually Christmas Eve dinner in our family going way back.

My dad's mom makes an amazing country. Ham, I'm telling you, ham and sunlight do not mix. You got to serve it at night. It's once you're, like you start even Thanksgiving, you start with good intentions. I'm going to have green beans.

You know, like, all that. But after a meal and then dessert and then leftovers, ham is just garbage enough to be the sweet spot. Bring me night ham. It's time, bit. Ham time. Ham time.

Light up the signal commissioner. It's time for night ham. Oh, no, no, no. My standards have shrunk to pain. No, like, whatever decorum or restraint you might have thought you had at noon, you walk into the pantry at eight or nine that night, like Anakin into the temple of younglings, right? Morality and shame no longer exists.

Execute order, piggity pig. All right. This is from Bexley P. on Reddit. My extended family gathers at my uncles every year for Thanksgiving. Each branch of the family is assigned a side dish or dessert to be made in institutional quantities as 50 people as a slim crowd. One year, my mom was assigned to the collared greens. She hates washing them by hand and heard from a coworker that large quantities of greens could be washed in the washing machine on a gentle cycle. Hey, on a gentle cycle. This is going to go fine.

Yeah, it says gentle. So, uh, so mom goes to the store, buys bags of pre-trimmed greens, throws them in the washer, and goes about her business. The part she did not hear her co-workers say was that this only works for whole leaf greens. The extended family ended up eating several huge cans worth of off-brand canned canned greens dressed up with bacon fat and red pepper, surprisingly well-liked. That's the other secret of Thanksgiving is that it reveals that people are totally fine with, like, quick food rather than carefully made food. And our family picked plant matter out of our pockets well after the new year. Oh, wet kale smells so bad. So bad.

Yeah. Yeah, Thanksgiving is a— Thanksgiving is a bold time to try a new hack for the first time. It is—I'm going to call this an urban legend because I've never heard of it. if it is an urban legend I get how it started because salad spinners kind of look and work like the drums of washing machines sure yeah but also you don't have to wash your underwear in them after I guess would be my other point here's the thing this feels like have you ever stumbled upon a recipe that's like from a very strange like a very strange niche about like hey desert moms who cook dot block spot yeah this feels like a thing you would see there Yeah. Man, desert moms who are going to come from me now. God damn it. Their forms crazy.

No, we fought horse Twitter and survived, buddy. We're ready for anything. Desert moms don't need water. I did have a friend, an idiot friend, who decided that to wow his in-laws, who were not people who, by the way. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to impress my in-laws. Oh, man, this is always a bad plan.

I'm going to... You're what happened? I tried to impress my fucking in-laws. Hey, check out this cool dick I'm going to make. God damn. You wound up with like... That was an entirely different form of night ham. I was the ham!

You wound up with the mark of an impotent god on your leg. No, man, I just tell everybody it's Thanos. Sleepy Thanos. Sleepy thing. It's, look, it's... We all have... Night ham means different things to different people. This has never happened to Thanos before.

Well, it does happen half the time, actually. Fair. So he decided to impress his in-laws at Christmas, not Thanksgiving, but at Christmas by cooking a goose. This is a terrible plan. Had he ever, can I ask you, had he ever even attempted a turkey before? No, he probably hadn't even done a full chicken, yeah. He thinks the turkey's an eagle. This guy doesn't even, can't even tell birds apart.

No, no, no. Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national bird. So basically the turkey is an eagle. Yeah. Yeah, same bird. According to Ben Franklin, our greatest president. All birds are ducks. Wait, Jason, can we get a ruling from your daughter on this one?

It's been decreed. All birds are ducks. Okay, cool. All right. So my boy puts the goose in the oven, and I think he really thought he would do the thing where he pulled it out, and it would be this golden, luminous. Like a Christmas carol. Right. Yeah.

You know, like that it would just, it would look like Tiny Tim would appear from the corner, right? And he would set it on the table, and they would all go, oh, my God, you keeper of hearth and home as well as provider, member of the family. right you big dick wonder yeah you amazing this is triggering for me yeah you amazing titan of a man and he put it on you bird master yeah the goose slayer they put it on this is how lady hawk should have ended they put it on the table right he puts it on the table to serve it And he's thinking in his head, well, that color doesn't look right. And...

Well, that's probably fine. Power through. And at that point, once he set it on the table, the dad got up, grabbed his flip phone, fired it open, and it was like, yeah, dominoes? Like, just no... Wow. Yeah. You've been judged. Yeah. Do we know the color of the goose?

I'm going to guess it's pretty gray. I'm going to say gray, yeah. Yeah, it looks like, like, Scott Walker's food picks. Yeah, the description I got was, do you remember Solomon Grundy from the super? Yeah, the description I got was, it was the color of Solomon Grundy's dick. That's evocative. Yeah. Hey, this is what I, this is another thing I'm going to do instead of watching the Egg Bowl.

I'm just going to cyber bully Scott Walker's Instagram. It was an annual tradition, yeah. Please, do. It is absolutely what the founding fathers would have wanted. Spencer, pick another one. I'm just going to do this for... I keep going for the dark ones, but dear God, they're really good. This was at HTC Anderson.

When I was five or six, my dad came home with a live turkey. I thought he was our new page. pet. No. He lived in our garage for a few months. I love that turkey. Yeah, it's the evening. I watched my grandfather hold that turkey in his lap, pet it, sing to it to it to calm it down, then watched him ring its neck. Wow. He sang to it. Yeah. And then he rang its neck. After it lived in the garage for several months, I imagine for H.T.C. Anderson later when he had to come.

I'm home after university and spend a couple of months with his folks. Oh, you can sleep in the garage. There's probably a... Something else used to sleep in that garage. Hey, grandpa, how you doing? Oh, God. I'm just going to come in here and sing to you. Don't worry.

Yeah, why don't you just... Here, why don't you just come sit in my lap? Ah! I'm going to swing us wildly in the other direction. This is from Donnie Bridges on Twitter. The night before Thanksgiving got introduced to a drink called Sparkle Dog. No. Andre and Mad Dog 2020 Orange Jubilee.

Yeah. The next morning I wasn't hung over so much as the laws of nature were just angry with me. Remember what I said earlier about fire coming from nowhere? Here it is. Anyway, that's how I learned toasters could catch on fire. By the way, if you mix Andre and Mad Dog 2020 Orange Orange, Jubilee, it makes a handgun and a glass.

That's what that is. Night handgun. I would like to imagine that this guy got this guy or girl got so drunk and hungover that they like ghostbustered their own kitchen like the toaster just caught on fire they were so hung up like Gozer was like

make better choices. I am the key master. What do you request from me? Think about your actions. Drink water before you go to bed. Mad Dogg, really? Really? Hmm. Let's see, is it my turn?

Yeah. I think so, yeah. All right, I'm going with a Reddit user. I'm totally Gary Busey, and I absolutely believe, well, given the age difference, I question this, but this will come to bear. One year in the mid-90s, my family drove from New Jersey to West Virginia for Thanksgiving. On this particular drive, winter weather caused massive delays. on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and we were forced to change our route. This would be fine, had my sister and I not been fighting like rabid possums. Needless to say, our father, a priest, was on edge.

After 20 minutes of purposefully torpedoing every food option my sister seemed to show any enthusiasm for, my father, Tokyo drifted into a Maryland buffet restaurant to shut us up. At one point during dinner, my sister had the gall to ask me to go and get her more cottage cheese from the salad bar. I protested. After minutes of going back and forth, my father looked at me and said, just go get

the fucking cottage cheese. God had spoken. As I approached the cottage cheese with a fresh plate, I couldn't help to feel slighted. Wronged. Cast aside. Okay, Gary. Then I proceeded to fill a full-sized salad plate

with cottage cheese. I proudly walked my mound of chunky white past, grossed out, and horrified diners. I could hardly contain my laughter as I placed the plate in front of my sister. Here you go, I said, expecting laughter. Instead, my father pounded the table with his fists, gave me the death stare, and said one word, leave. I remember just walking out the front door of the restaurant, into the snow, legitimately wondering if my family was going to leave me there to suffer. fate worse the death, living in Maryland, I was almost struck by a priest at an off-brand

golden corral, and this led to a six-hour silent drive to our destination. That's a Fargo episode. No, no. I have a Fargo episode. Okay, StoryToper. No, it's a compliment. All right. At the W-1242 tells this tale straight from a comely.

brother's movie. In the mid-90s, my father single-handedly decided that instead of cooking, we'd pile in the car and, and what, like, you know, go to a vacation, like, go to Disney World, right? Or, you know, because that'd be cool if you went to Disney World instead. No, we'd pile in the car and drive three hours west to Hastings, Nebraska. Because at the time it was home to the only IMAX theater in the state. Okay, I get that. Do you?

Why do you have to go on Thanksgiving? Okay, not on Thanksgiving. Yeah, like, oh, instead of Thanksgiving, we're going to go see that, uh, the thing of We're going to go see the mummy. It's going to be, Brendan Fraser's great in it. We're going to go see that IMAX movie about the penguins. They're so graceful in the water. Awkward on land, graceful in the water.

Think about the poesy of that. Think about the beauty and the irony in that one moment. Think about, think about what I could have been if I didn't have kids, huh? Yeah. I'm going to be a Gratiole like a penguin. Anyway, three hours to Hastings. List of IMAX films released in 1995. Ozarks, Legacy and Legend.

That's a great one. You guys are going to love it. It's about the Ozarks. It's about the Ozarks. Do you know the Ozarks reach up to 700 feet in altitude? It's crazy. So, story continues. Elypsis.

It was close. because in the mid-90s in central Nebraska and a holiday as my mother had tried to tell him couldn't find an open place to eat drove home to Lincoln hungry then dad relented and cooked a turkey the following weekend wait that's like a six hour round trip

my family for nothing for zero for a payoff that would have been how toys are made owned what's really great about this is like this is what life was like before everyone had a cell phone

you just went places on chance like you just sort of hoped yeah they might have streaming content they might like hey I've confirmed there is or was a movie theater here I know it sometimes is open I will do nothing further than this and we'll just go and see what happens

what are you going to do oh we're going to go see that everstimex it's going to be like you know what better way to celebrate thanksgiving than to like watch the death of nine climbers it'll be great it'll be fantastic now you're thankful aren't you yeah what are we going to eat knowledge yeah and then afterwards we'll go to culvers and milk duds that sounds great sweet knowledge and milk duds second favorite part about this story is that dad relented and cooked a turkey the following weekend Meaning that house had to be an icy, dead, silent, like, nebula of brewing passive aggression for a week. And then the following Thursday, right, he's like, no, fine, I'm going to go get a turkey. I bet, I think how dad plays this off is, oh, hey, turkeys are good and cheap now. Yes, absolutely. Hey, gang, I got a half-price turkey.

I think I think it's actually good when you fuck up this badly because it's sort of like establishes a pecking order for the next I would say at least 10 years where like there's no if as long as you submit to it it's like you're just bad ideas dad and you're you're just going to live with that so you don't have you don't have to come up with like where are we going to go on vacation I'm the fuck up who drove to a closed I max three hours. Don't ask me don't ask me I accept that I don't have a role here. the freedom from ever having to make a choice ever again. I will somewhat defend dad here because he was like, I bet you will. I'm going to do an idea with, I'm going to do an idea with some, some ambition. And he gets it wrong once.

And I bet he never got anything through parliament ever again. We're going to drive to the fucking, fucking Rocky Mountains to watch a movie. Yeah. He should have kept driving. Well, because he was driving west. He's right. Well, we've come this far.

Might as well go to Oregon. This is how the fucking. Donner party happened, dad? At that point, at that point, lie to your kids and be like, hey, I knew the IMAX was closed. We can't, we got to leave. We got to change our names. Our old life is dead now. No, I definitely, of course I didn't think an IMAX theater was open on Thanksgiving. I would never be that stupid. It's adventure time now. Yeah, I stole three credit cards off that guy in the diner. We got to get out of here. All right. So I want, so I want everybody to pick one more before we wrap up on this already somewhat, somewhat long.

episode, but that's fine. I'm going to go first. You all can sort of gather your thoughts and pick your final entries. This is from At This is Hog. My 35-ish-year-old cousin caught a squirrel and thought it'd be a good idea

to bring it inside the house to show everyone. So, of course, it got loose and everyone freaked. I assume it eventually got back outside, but I can't recall. Some say the squirrel still haunts Thanksgiving to this day. Easily the, like, harshest part of this is the age reference.

Because you could have just said my cousin, my dipshit cousin, but you had to, you, and I appreciate that you did this, this is Hogg. You wanted us to know that this is somebody well into voting age who should have gotten all of their dumbassery out. over the past decade plus, who should know better than this, but who still, A, caught a squirrel and B, just brought it inside the house on Thanksgiving. Like, I appreciate that you did not lead us down the path where we would have thought, what a dumb 19-year-old, no. No, this is a dumb father. This is a dumb father, yes.

And as a dumb father, I feel better because there's no scenario this Thanksgiving or any other, where I will, A, catch a squirrel. And if I do, you're like, hey, time for a little petting zoo in the house, I think. I believe you can catch a squirrel. I have no intention of doing so. You can do it. Why would I, okay, walk me through. Because it's funny for the rest of us.

Okay, yeah, I might do it for that reason. You can do it. Remember what John F. Kennedy said about going to the moon. There are squirrels there? Yeah. Moons haunted. Haunted with dead squirrel Wait

Yeah The squirrel's so big That they prey on the moon tigers Which are canon as per our earlier episode You know the Russian cosmonauts Took shotguns Into space In case they landed in Siberia

And had to fight bears Is that true? Yeah No, it's true Yeah, no I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a tattoo of it because it's fucking great.

Yeah, there's, there's two things. There's that, right? And there's this. There are photos her, her, gosh, it's the book about prepping to Mars that was written by the lady who wrote, Mary Roach. She wrote that not only, you know, she confirmed the story that Russians did have firearms, right, in case they landed on the steps and needed to fend off wolves or bears. And then the second thing, she found.

found a photo of two Russians downing an entire squeezy bottle of brandy on the mirror. Like, you know, America's like, you know, we've never had alcohol on there. The Russians are like, big sack of brandy! It's scientific zest. How drunk can man get in space? Turns out pretty drunk. I'm going to say something wildly unpatriotic. I regret that we landed on the moon first.

because the Russians would have popped out strapped 100% I mean none of us landed on the moon so it's not a fight again

we've had this discussion before Buzz Aldrum was strapped but Buzz was packing I think Buzz just threw a knife at me but the low gravity gave me time to dodge it Jesus Buzz

Sorry boys Peter you or me Neil Armstrong is out there Like having the one emotional moment of his life And shedding his one tear Of masculine emotion for his entire lifespan And inside Buzz Aldrin's like Butterfly Knife

Quick, well he's distracted by the only emotion He'll ever allow himself to have Surprise Butterfly knife for space moths The funniest thing that I can possibly imagine By the way is Buzz Aldrin See, like, waiting, looking out the window, right? Waiting till Neil Armstrong's foot takes the last step off the rung.

Johnwick, bitch! You know, and then going, he's turned, shutting the door and hitting the rocket. That's not Neil down there. He's one of them. Engineer yourself out of this, fuck-o. We go to attack. There's a moon man down there. I also, like, from Neil's perspective, he looks up, Rocket's gone, and he says, well, they've got a job to do.

He's down there collecting dirt in his little jar and labeling it. I just see him going like, oh, at last. Peace and solitude at last. I am. Free from Purdue football. Fires last. Ooh. Is he missed all the good year? Like, he would miss.

Hey, are we still going to the moon? No reason. Michael Collins gets back in there and Buzz Alton's like, I don't know, man, it was crazy. He said he, hey, he said he wanted to stay. I don't know. I was like, Neil, are you sure? Okay, got to go.

Hey, Mike, why don't you stand by that airlock over there? What do you mean you had a radio on the whole time? I don't know. I couldn't find him. You go down there and see if you can. The whole time driving back, just Michael, looking over, like, so. So you know we're kind of going to get in big trouble for this, right? Oh, my God.

They're sitting in there like Stephen Jackson after Malice and spells. Buzz is like, total success. No, it's fine. Tell the ruling two of us. Do you think we're going to get in trouble? Yeah, but he never, he never got on with us. He got scared. He got scared.

It was only the two of us the whole time. He's probably in Hyaliyah, and like, you know, the dog track. Boss, I thought you had him. Neil was a Russian the whole time. Cami, dirty commie. You know what? Those commies like the cold, well, he's on the moon now. I just see them getting back and Buzz going,

do you ever leave your dog at a rest stop? It's like that. And you feel bad, but also. so you just got to keep going? Yeah. Well, on the upside, we cut some weight and saved fuel. No, that's what would happen if Neil got back in there alone. Yeah.

Oh, good. No, I'll get back three hours earlier. That's good. This will look good at my expense report. Also, would you do the inventory if there are five knives missing? I don't know why. Additionally, if we now have 10 knives. Why did we send you with 10 knives?

I was going to say, wait, why did you list knives on the entire? You said we could have personal items. So you left Earth without an AR-15 and you came back with one? Yeah, I was there. What do you want? We just leave it on the moon for some kid to find? That's not safe. I'm still just dying at the visual of Aldrin being like,

Gotcha, Armstrong. You fool. Classic error. Classic error. Not watching your back on the moon. The oldest trick in the book. Hey, remember when you pushed me at the pool of that party three years ago? Fuck you.

Your mistake. Your mistake was assuming the game ever began. And we'll ever end. The prestige. Oh my God. Just shooting the stone cold double birds through the window on the way out. No, no, no, dropping his spacesuit pants and just, like, gyrating his bare ass against the window. Tom, Tom Hanks, if you're listening, we will make this tell him.

series today. Why are there scrotal prints on the windshield of the module? That was aliens. Alien shaped like, alien shaped like scrotums. Horrifying. They ate Neal. No, no, it was moon tigers. Yeah, as opposed to, if the Russians had made it first, they would leave someone there just to prove how hard they were. It would be like, yes, we left Andre there. I will stay. Yeah, I will stay. no i will stay i will fight you for right to stay

are you going to be okay andre no no no not at all are any of us ever really okay is happiest moment of my life happiest i stay here i go home same end um i wanted to do my last one which is uh which is man how do we keep fishing up on the moon that's what america said for like five years look alive armstrong surprise it's me again yatsy uh at hops and smoke my then i i almost didn't put this one on okay okay i'm gonna read it i i don't know about this one okay it's fine it's fine it's fine i'm going to read it because i will tell you The person involved is absolutely insane, okay? Like, this is obviously a completely...

And there's a parenthetical that makes it a little bit more okay? A little bit, the first parenthetical, not the second one necessarily. Do we have to say all of this? We don't, we don't. We can amend it. How about that? I'm going to amend it, okay? My then-great-uncle stormed off.

Let's stop there. Okay. Then-great-uncle. Yes, exactly. Yeah, my then great-uncle stormed off because his great-aunt was treating him. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, like, like very, yeah. No, just skip. Skip, skip, skip, skip.

There's a point in here where the great-uncle uses a racial slur. That is not, to be fair, that is not applicable, that is neither accurate nor appropriate. Yeah, and hops and smoke, by the way. Anyway. Did not type it out, all right? No, yes. So, to his credit. So after stewing, he storms off.

The important part is he left. Yeah, so it's good. Your uncle said something crazily racist. Yes. Your great uncle. And took the trouble to remove himself so that you don't have to remove him. That was handy. Yeah.

So, and then he went to the bar. Great decision. The great uncle has already done something really completely out of pocket. And then he goes to the bar where he stews for a while. Then he comes back, raised a big stink, went up, Smoked a bunch of shitty weed This is going great Like he had to charge up

Like he's solid snake right Like hiding dumpster Smoked cigar And proceeded to throw Christmas presents off the upstairs balcony This wasn't just one present It was like 20 boxes

All wrapped and thrown off individually Yes This was Jacksonville I just like that he had to go upstairs Smoke a bunch of dirt Wheat everyone's like Jesus Christ He's smoking like a pound of weed up there

Yeah it's really bad But you know they were hoping like Well maybe that'll calm him down He'll just go to sleep or some shit It only made it stronger He's drunk as shit And he's like Hold on hold on

Snake Deploy Deploy Magical Cigar And then he threw all Christmas presents down the stairs I will say this One of my favorite things about having a child who is of a certain temperament is that my younger child, if Christmas presents were just raining down the stairs and everyone is just horrified at how completely antisocial this man's behavior was, my younger child would have walked up and begun unwrapping them while everyone else wasn't looking. Just like everyone else is like, and he wouldn't have even been like sneaky about it.

He would have been like no one is looking. God is not real The time to strike is now I can do whatever Neil is on the moon I'm closing the door Bam Get you on strong

Your Christmas presents are mine Yeah Oh he's gonna punch somebody Like one day for saying he didn't walk on the moon Even though as far as I know My younger son has never walked on the moon Yet Yet

Jason and Holly, I think you each have one. Mine is pretty short, but it brings up to two personal memories of mine. From Warren Ables, I think, on Twitter, as the last dish to finish cooking, my mom, all right, so our wording here, we're going to work on our wording here. My mom placed a large glass pan of cornbread dressing on a serenium. Cramid cooked top. She did not know one of the eyes was on. The pan exploded into a million pieces, spraying glass shrapnel into all the other dishes. Now we have glass-infused mashed potatoes. This did happen to us once. It was green beans. The green beans exploded.

And we had several other podcast readers send in tales of exploding pyrecks and whatnot. We are a very explosive bunch. The capper to Warren's tale is, we ate pizza. It's a hut for Thanksgiving. And there were a lot of these. I found all of these heartwarming. There was Pizza Hut, Outback, a gas station, just dirtbag college students. Like, we'll go get, you know, anything edible. And that's Thanksgiving.

This reminded me of my very first experience with adulting. My parents were out of town. I was invited to an aunt's house, but couldn't make it. And all I had was the Dejornos pizza. And, of course, I fucked even that up because I left the cardboard bottom on the bottom of it. Oh, man. So. I think that was one of your kitchen disasters one time, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I just wanted to sort of bring that one over with us as well. No, that's a good portable sadness. That's what they called me. Holly, I'm going to ask you to take us out on the item in row 14 of our show. On the item in row 14. From user, hmm, from user, hey, Mr. Talleyman? Yeah. Okay.

My grandfather, who was a furrier, this will come to bear in a moment, start carving the turkey. He noted, wow, this turkey is really juicy. He had cut his hand, not the turkey, and hadn't noticed. Good night, everybody.