Shutdown Fullcast - THANKSGIVING DISASTERS, PART 2

Episode Date: November 26, 2025

Pasta points! What are they, and how could they kill your troops?Is Strega Nona a ladder-puller?Let's turn Floyd's mic on for a minute and talk about Cal's interim situationNEW JETSKI HERO UNLOCKEDIn keeping with our return to Thanksgiving topics, we also return to the topic of workplace behavior on the MoonPhilly Meat HeistThe ultra-rare Thanksgiving Jetski DisasterIntroducing our new web series, Foot Or Cake?How to display dominance at the dessert tableMashed potato muffins: Teach the controversyGrandpa hands math problemHost Thanksgiving disasters, updatedAirBnB kitchens are lies filled with smaller liesA family group chat exchange that will probably make you feel better about whatever dumb shit is going on in yoursThe most literal interpretation of "Thanksgiving disaster"Pennsylvania re-burnishes its legacy as our funniest stateMany Pyrex stories were submitted; only one has been chosenActually useful mashed potato tips buried in here somewhereA "where are they now?" update to a previous Thanksgiving disaster[is Die Hard a Christmas movie voice] is Space Jam a Thanksgiving movieHonoring Little Miss Fore Under FiveNow through December 31, 100% of proceeds from all PTKU merch sales will be donated to Trans Ohio. Visit preownedairboats.com to purchase BRAND-NEW BLUE SHARKS GEAR #EXCLUSIVEFullcast theme variant arranged and performed by MattDID YOU KNOW: Spencer and Holly write Channel 6, a year-round newsletter that is mostly about football, until it's notBefore the world ends (again), treat yourself to Jason's critically praised novel and other workTravel in your mind palace to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Steven Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Surber’s band Killer Antz and his new show Podcasterino

Hi, Ryan. How are you? Hi, Spencer. I'm good. How are you? He doesn't even have not tired yet. This is great. Yeah, are you prepared for Thanksgiving? No. No? What do you have less to do? Why would you say that? Why would you say that? I'm just, I'm asking. I'm just hurtful. No, I'm just checking. I have to make an apple pie. I have to make a pie.

That's nice. I have something I want to interrupt you on. Um, were you aware of something called the Italian pasta rule? Yes. The what? You know what? I'll, I'll count her. I'll, I'll count her bell. to you here. I've already seen this on my timeline. You're not telling me anything new. That's amazing. Am I still going to dump at you? Yes. Here comes. What? Who could have seen this going? Last week we managed to trample over him when he tried this. That, yes, like one of the greatest tabletop game rules ever, the campaign for North Africa in 1978. Classic featured the Italian pasta rule. If you chose the Italian faction, in playing this game.

Oh, so this wasn't in war. Kind of. Kind of. No, I mean real war. It kind of, you'll see. Okay. Because it's representative of the nutritional difficulties that the Italians suffered as a military in World War II because, and though this is a simplified version of what actually happened,

one of the biggest mistakes the Italians made during the entire desert campaign was to provide their troops, a diet which was composed in large part of spaghetti and macaroni. Aside from providing insufficient protein, this wasn't Buitoni brand. I'm reading the rule verbatim here. Pasta has one serious drawback in the

desert. You need water to cook it. Therefore, if you were playing the Italians, each battalion, when it receives its stores in game, must receive an additional one point of water when stores are distributed. And if that unit does not receive their pasta point, this is where

I started laughing out loud. it may not voluntarily exceed their CPA that turn. Okay, their allotment that turn. So if they're not receiving their pasta point, if you don't get Italian units in this game, their pasta point, Ryan, they had a cohesion level of negative 10 or worse, and then they immediately became disorganized,

as if they had reached the critical and bad point of negative 26. And as soon as those units get their pasta point, they regain their original cohesion level. If you have a basic understanding of the history of Italian unification or lack thereof, this all tracks. The idea that like without pasta, it all falls apart in seconds, you're like, 100% 100% understand. And this also probably like, why did the Romans invent aqueducts and shit?

Like, they had to because otherwise without pasta point. society collapses upon itself um yeah yeah that's that that's it i do think that pasta point should be like some form of seria a tie ringer of some sort 100% or or maybe you know server more in your lane like maybe gerald Italia like has some sort of like can there be some sort of jersey that goes to the pasta point lead. Oh, yes. And at the 90 kilometers back, Vincenzo Nibbley secures the pasta point.

He will wear the starch jersey tomorrow. My only request is that can we speckle it with meatballs to make clear that it is not the yellow, like this is the pasta jersey. Just to be. The maglia pasta. Yes, Tamara Malas, if you're reading this, please, please put meatballs on your January spaghetti dress. Thank you.

That's a reasonable request. That's all. I love this. Do you think he's going to make pasta right now to prove some sort of point? I don't actually know what he's done. He just skittered off. Do you think the pasta point is, well, I mean, obviously the pasta point was necessary because you needed the pasta to boil the water. You needed, you need to boil the water in pasta. But do you think some people read this and were like, no, why would we not have, we would make fresh pasta we wouldn't need as much water for it would be oh it would be more manageable this way i went the opposite direction and i was like okay real koala brain mindset here would be to just eat handfuls of the pasta dry the liquid in your stomach makes the pasta soft inside you

that's working that's making your body work for you that's right that's why that's how you become stragenona that's a straggin no no it is listen i'm not going to say strangenona is like an authentic italian tale i like that the italian mind is like what what powers could witchcraft hand like what if you had if you had any power in the world what would it be and it's basically olive garden never a new bust that's what it is like shout out to straganona for definitely that this was a monetizable skill yeah i am also realizing now that one reading of the tale of stragenona is that straganona could solve the energy crisis because like oh shit bubble bubble pasta pot boil me some pasta so so streganona's pot create steam therefore straganona's pot could could

be used to harness energy to create energy at no cost there's no fire there's no fuel involved yeah this is this is geothermal from a single source we could have free necromancer energy nona thermal thanks to the power of straganona but she doesn't do like in many ways this is a tale of corporate greed holding us back from a green future capitalists swine that's right well no we were i feel terrible we were just lauding her for monetizing this practice but at what cost or in the absence of what game money you know that story's bullshit because what the punishment is how dare you because the punishment is you have to eat all the pasta oh no you don't believe in the past abilities

this does not this does not seem like uh pasta to me to have to eat all the pasta especially if my name as the character is big anthony yeah yeah big it which by the way like like It struck a notice. If you, if this were not an actual Italian story, it would sound like something you made up to make fun of Italians, right? What's the character's name? Specifically to make fun of a Nick's draft pick that didn't work out. Exactly.

Yeah, this big Anthony. We gave him a first round draft pick. Oh, he made a witch man. He had to eat his way out of the league. Post him forward. And then like, Six years later, there'd be a bunch of guys from New York who were like, oh, love that guy.

He was the best. Oh, big Anthony? Yeah. It's incredible. He averaged four points a game. Went to the Spurs. Turned his whole career around. I'm just imagining.

This took on a dark cast as I imagine Striganona just shaking her head and ashing her cigarette into a pot in a house filled with Mets fans. Or sorry, let's be seasonal. Jets fans. Jets fans. Straganoana just being like. like never getting out of queen fireman ed just slowly suffocating in a pile of pasta it's better this way let the posse take me don't save me get away from me big time

josephield sucks i don't want to be saved tell rex ryan i love him speaking of justins we decided this didn't rise to the level of an emergency but we have lost one just just and from the great the great caliphate yes um and the interim selected to replace Justin Wilcox is a familiar figure to us which means it's time to turn Brian Floyd's mic on turn that shit up because our boy is back it's Nick Rolovich my favorite I just want to read his bio for a second on the Cal website because I had to go look at this be fine just gonna focus in on the Washington State part. He was the first coach to win his debut game since 2003. There were only two coaches in

between that. One was Paul Wolfe. And first one on the road since 1977. By beating Oregon State, by the way. So they beat Oregon State in his debut. They played Oregon State. Sure. They list off the number of academic All-Americans in the 2020 season. Great. Good job. Remember 2020 is the COVID year. And then they list that he had two of the top three receivers in the conference in the COVID year. That's where it ends. There is no, 2021 did not happen. Nothing is there.

Because to get there, you would have to explain what happened at the end of 2021, which he got fired for refusing to take the COVID shot. In terms of why, just because, so like, this is the trend this year that I think everyone kind of skipped over and should pay attention to more. When you have someone that is hired in the offseason with a weird name, they're going to. to be your coach later that season probably more often than not like they're the interim coach who's the adult that they bring in because they don't want to give the title to an offensive coordinator a defensive coordinator Brian harsen by the way is the offensive coordinator we're talking about a fun uh offensive room and so they bring in some like nick brollovich it's just a temporary

solution it's a bad idea but cow went into the offseason desperate this was like their last hurrah so they threw every kind of offensive coach idea they had in the world they tried to do the whole whole harsen and run and shoot thing and it failed miserably which should be a lesson to everyone else but this is more for everyone else like can we not rehab people that shouldn't be rehabbed whether it's a art briles being hired by a d2 or given old nick roll of which or others another chance at it and by the way like he's a 500 career coach his best wins in the pack 12 or during a COVID year and he just beat Oregon State and then he beat Oregon State again And Stanford and Cal, they're really bad teams.

Oh, and a Portland state base in their own. So he did absolutely nothing for Wazoo except leave it in shambles and caused a giant rift in the fan base, turn the team against everyone with the NOS versus them mentality, basically people that shouldn't be in charge of adults until they can be an adult themselves. But other than that, like, Hey, that's great.

Yeah. Yeah, like, yeah. making a move, I guess. Yeah, like, you've spoken to the Rolovich of it all. I would like to congratulate Justin Wilcox on an amazing career achievement in that he has had this job, had this job since 2017 and across two different conferences, never had a winning record in conference, never. How you do that.

This is shit that you only got away with in the 70s and 80s in the big 10, right? Like where you go, hey, I got a. a nine-year plan and you get to the end of it you're like ah maybe i don't like he was there for nine years and never ever ever had a winning record in conference and still got paid still got paid brother a really good hang that's how it works you're really good hand that was true i don't think i think at the end of like there were if you look a series of events at cal at every turn when he was about to be fired, something happened and to attract everyone's attention away from Justin Wilcox. This was as brilliant an extension of a guy who probably should have

had three years in this job to nine as anyone could have ever seen. By being perfectly invisible and activating Clay Helton. It's also just handsome enough, which isn't really enough to get you by in the Bay Area. Yeah. Not striking, but handsome. Does that make sense? Approachably handsome. NPC handsome. there yeah i mean cow between cal and stanford the bay area

it's like a sim of the vice president not this vice president a vice president like vice president in a t and t movie yeah and inevitably they would get off to a pretty good start every other year and be very exciting as they did in the calgarism year when they got game day

and everything was very fun and we were making all sorts of entertaining marxist images about cow football and woke but then they would inevitably collapse down the stretch back to five and seven territory. They did the exact opposite of what the previous coach did. I expect them to do that again.

Now that we've gone for a defensive coach for nine years, hell, let's give it to another wacky offensive guy. Let's just continue this bipolar football, right? Just going back and forth between manic offensive play and extremely depressive defensive play. Love it. One other thing,

I do want to congratulate them on making Nick Rolovich the interim for one reason and one reason only. I don't like that you're giving him money. I do like this. We are consistently hiring interim coaches who have no chance of dabboing this thing. None. We are appointing the interim who is there,

who will not get the job, will not, under any circumstances. See, LSU, you do teach lessons. Right, right. Now, LSU is a little different because like Frank Wilson, that's the guy who you're like, Spot Dad, Spot Uncle.

That's the guy who's done it before. That's the guy who understands it. Like riding a bike, a professional interim, him and long-time assistant, he knows his role. Billy Gonzalez at U.F. Not a chance this dude was going to light a fire into this team. Not a chance he was going to keep it.

Made things worse. That's what you want the interview. You saw his manna in the Georgia game. Tap all of that. It just said, I'm all in on getting this job in this game. And it wasn't enough. It wasn't fucking close to enough. And now he's just making sure the doors are locked in the facility

and everyone gets paid on top. that's ever that's all that man is doing right he's making sure there's snacks in the bowl and that's about what he's capable of so is there any chance that he's going to get this job no he's Nick rolovich there's absolutely no chance anyone's going to touch him with a 10-foot poll especially because and people forget this you get locked into litigation with your former employer it's going to make your career slightly toxic at the very least i i would like to give cal credit for one other thing if you go to the cow coaches page the list of football coaching staff for everybody they've got your position your name your

email address and your twitter account not everybody's email address is on there and this is not exclusive to nick roolvich or brian harsen nick rolovich has a twitter account and uses it cal is not linking to it on the coaching staff they are not acknowledging the presence of that social media account. And I think that is a very, that is a very savvy choice on the part of the Cal Bears. Which, because it's Cal Football, the line between intentional, conscientious competence and outright negligence does not exist. Would you believe that Cal Social Media was smart enough to not do that? Yeah, absolutely. I would. Would you believe that they just fallen asleep at the wheel and not added it.

100%. I would absolutely believe that, too. Yeah. Yeah. None of this is because Cal as an institution is inept. Far from it. They're worrying about putting people like into new dimensions we haven't even discovered yet, right? They're building the Trond Laser. That's what Cal is

busy doing. Cal is busy working on actual fusion reactors. Football is like 398th on their list. That said, I do appreciate that. while they were on the like fuck it just keep wilcox forever like six and seven is fine train i do like that losing by 21 points to a stanford team that came into this season being like oh boy

i don't know we're going to uncle buck this year um i do like that they were like all right fuck that this this feels bad like if everything is based on what feels bad and what doesn't i am glad that institutionally cal is still in a place where that that can feel bad enough where you're like nope no more all done because hot break feels good there's nothing else about this season that you're like oh well it had like otherwise this is just a cal season it's just a cal ass season otherwise the stanford thing is the thing that tips it over into like nope unacceptable hate this I do like this is one of those firings that feels like more of a moment of clarity firing as in Cal's been on a nine-year bender and they're finally like get out of my apartment I gotta get sober I gotta get clean this finally feels so bad I have hit a rock bottom I need to take 12 steps and the first one starts with firing you yeah you said you were coming to my sister's wedding and you did but you were nude but I was there but I was there I can't, hey, you can't add conditions.

Accept me as I am. It's not fair. And I get this on an upswing. The Calgaryhythm book is out. Yeah, yeah. You have your copy, Ryan. I got my copy. Yep.

Yeah. That last, an annal of one of college football's most amazing phenomenon over the past decade. The Calchorism now immortalized by our good friends in the Cal fan. base. Where can they get that, Ryan? Looking that up right now, they sent it to me directly because it exists in part because I told them like, hey, go make this. And just all I want is a thanks for it. So I don't actually know where you can buy it right now. I'll say this. Go to write for California.com and there's probably more information there. And if there's not, you can just read about

If not, ask Brian again. That's right. Just keep asking me, and I'll probably fix it for you. Oh, that got sad. Yep. It's very funny to me, by the way, that Cal would put out a book who were like, we don't know how to buy it. I wish, I don't think this is, I don't think I've discussed this before. I just remembered the book was out.

No, but that's God really got his too. It should be easy to find. And it's not. Oh, that's great. Listen, they're engineers, okay? They're not. I mean, they're authors now, but this should be available. We're so good at business. This should be available via pamphlet or PDF. This should be one of those steal-this book kind of book. Yeah, pamphlet is in like Thomas Payne pamphlet. Right, right. Yeah, you should, you should be able to get it for free from

the crunchiest coffee shop in your town. It should be next to a Saul Olinsky book. Yeah, that's where it should be. You go to your little free library and there will magically be a copy of Cal Caritha book in it. I'm going to put this between the Henry Kissinger book that one of my diplomacy teachers insisted we use as a textbook and like Howard Zin's people's history of the United States and just watch it fight both of them.

I'm going to superimpose this on the last shot of Rogue One where it's going where the little car is going through the door, right? The planets of the Death Star going through the door. Yeah, hope. Just put it through there. All these guys with bears are getting their head cut off by Darth Vader. Oh, man.

It's pretty sick. yeah this was also this was also clarified to me by the way that cal and stanford really are like mirror images like like opposite mirror images but yet same family because um because they this past weekend and they had two mascots two former stanford trees are getting married and there was this bit that i cited in what yeah um and there was this bit that i cited at the end of uh the top whatever that quoted where one of them was living when he became tree mascot and was like he was living in a tent outside the library on campus at Stanford and it said for reasons not related to his

quest to become the mascot I appreciate that that he was like the tent life that was a different passion of mine it was unrelated different project that I can't talk about unrelated project that had me living in a tent outside the hall on one of the wealthiest universities in America. It was just, you know, I was just fibbing. Same institution. Same institution, just different universes. Just change the polarities on those.

Is it time for me to say the thing? Have I said, has anyone said the thing yet? You say the thing. So if you haven't said it, it hasn't been said. He's asking us if he's said the thing. Why would we, how, man. I was so old of you guys. God.

Here, Serber, you can, you could say the thing. Yeah, why don't you say that thing? Oh, no, no, no. You say the thing, Spencer. Welcome. Never mind. I'll say the thing. Whoa.

Welcome. The shutdown focus. You can say the rest of the thing, Spencer. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined by outstanding welcomer, Michael Serer. He fucking broke his foot off in that one. He did, man. Ryan Nanny and

Holly Anderson, we are going to discuss everything because this is the internet's only college football podcast. I'm killing it today. I really appreciate support from my fellow cast members.

Yeah, beauty. What is it? No, no, no, no. This ain't the worldwide leader, Mousceteer. What? Calf members. This is oppositional.

We don't work to put on a show. We work to stop it. Buddy, you're not a theater kid, but you might be more theater kid than you realize. They can't kill all of us. If you've internalized that sentiment, they expect one of us at the record, probably. Oh, boy. Gorge. Oh, my God, goofy bang.

Punishment must be more severe. You adopted the door. Oh. Do you feel as if you're in control? I love to start off a show with a clear statement of purpose. And I have at the top of this document, there's been an update in the annals of jet ski heroism, something that we thought.

There's been a landmark update. Yeah, because we thought it was a big deal if you took a jet ski to the Isle of Man during COVID. It still is. It is. It's not a competition. We acknowledge all jet ski achievements. That's what we do. That's true.

Because if you'll recall in 2020, a man crossed the Irish sea on a jet ski to go see his girlfriend. Now, this took four and a half hours to do. It's about 25 miles. And he thought it was going to take like 40 minutes. It ended up taking four hours. And he got arrested later. but not before going clubbing, which is how you know it was like an extremely British Isles thing,

which was, yeah, I got arrested, but we had to go to the pub. We had to go out clubbing. So we thought that was a big deal. There's been an update. Somebody has exceeded this in different circumstances and for very different reasons. But this is from NPR.

Three Palestinians from Gaza. I wanted to get to Europe, right? They were refugees who were leaving from Libya. They had gotten a hold of a jet ski. Three guys, one jet ski. 25 miles was the Isle of Man distance that was crossed for the girlfriend during COVID. This is a 186 mile journey. And as far as we know, Muhammad Abu Daka, the driver of the jet ski, is the first one to a

accomplish this. All right. He did it for very dire reasons. His family is in Gaza. He is attempting to get out and get asylum in Europe. And to do that, he spent $5,000, got a hold of a jet ski and made the crossing across waters that had waves of up to three feet at times. And they had some food. They had some fuel. They refueled. But they made it all the way to 12 miles off the coast where they were able to call for rescue. This is a jet ski achievement, right? Whatever the circumstances, that's incredible, made it safely to Germany, where he's waiting onward for asylum and getting his family out of there. But Muhammad, like, salute to you. That is an incredible feat of human achievement, much less in the, like any time, much less in the annals of jet ski history. Now, I will say, if you are a jet ski studies professor at Columbia, this does not

bode well for you. No. Going to be bad times, unfortunately. yeah this case this case is you might have to transfer in order to conduct research here and properly document mohamman's journey but uh and the other two guys god who just had to hang on the whole time do you think they took turns right i would at least try and like flip around and ride backwards for a little while yeah like station wagon style yeah do you think they kept it playful of like threw one off and pretended like oh we're gonna leave like or do you

think it's all business i just think it's hard why and remind me to never escape genocide with you i just think it's i just think it's hard to maintain strict business at all times on a jet ski a jet ski is a whimsical vehicle so you're saying where is so you're from morale yeah yeah i think you'd be tempted like a little bit right member cities that is the coldest shit i have ever heard of i don't think they left anyone behind i think you're mentally confusing when you're when you're the problem as a goof as a goof as a goof yeah they can't you can't let them take away goofs wholesale goof is joy that's right brian you're the you're the astronaut who on the spacewalk playfully knocks on the outside

right 100% why are not doing goofs in space see this is this is where you know when we we we love to throw this ball around like oh ryan's secretly the mean one oh holly's overtly the mean one oh spencer secretly the meanest one of them all if they're not to harken back to a previous thanksgiving episode in particular but if there's a buzz aldron in this group i secretly suspect it might be ryan look if i went to the moon the first thing i would do after returning to the lunar lander is i would have kept like some mystery black goo i would have brought with me and not told everyone and i would put it on my shoulder And wait for somebody to be like, wait, what's that?

Wait, what? Can you make it something, can we make it something playful and edible so that you just immediately eat it off your shoulder? Or pretend you don't see it. That's right. What? That's 100%. That's a hundred percent. Yeah.

Yeah. Like these are, this is how you keep work fun, guys. Like, this is how you keep an exciting work play. It can't all be math and science and don't crash. Like, it has to be fun. I'm benching my spacesuit to the vacuum of space so I can take the rubber face hugger mask that I bought, right? I put it on when I come back in. Yeah, and then to get the seal back on, right?

Do you remember when Pete Carroll at USC had somebody throw a dummy off the top of one of the parking garage, yeah, off the parking, that was a goof. Pete Carroll and I heard the same headspace except when it comes to 911, right? Except when it comes to 9-11. And when it comes... Before I started covering that team. And when it comes to making Chip Kelly the highest paid offensive coordinator in the NFL. We're not on the same page

about that either. Can I just pull up my favorite, one of my favorite sports headlines of all time because John, I don't know if he wrote the headline, but John Kanzano's headline in Oregon Live after the dummy off the roof of the building thing at USC was as follows. November 2nd, 2005, that Pete Carroll is one funny.

cat said oh this is sorry i'm my favorite hang on okay so i'm just gonna read i'm gonna read the first little bit i'm gonna read the first little bit here because there's an amazing reggie bush quote that i forgot about how about that halloween prankster pete carroll who orchestrated a phony lindale white jump off the roof of a neighboring building the other day during u sc practice an upset white stormed out of practice then appeared on the rooftop of a building Fuck football, White shouted Monday night before a dummy with his jersey was tossed off the rooftop. Suicide is no laughing matter, but it's safe to say the funniest part of this bit was Reggie Bush's response to a question of why he didn't do the fake jump routine himself. Said Bush, it was a lot more believable with Lendale.

Jesus Christ. All right, maybe I'm not exactly like Pete Carroll. Maybe not. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're more than you think you are. now I'm just going to find We all have aspects of Pete Yeah

Yeah I really like Gino Smith Spenter is basically a mental patient Mm-hmm Serber doesn't believe in 9-11 That's true That's completely accurate Ryan's very whimsical

You're like due to the Phantom Time theory It actually happened on 9-9 and that's what you believe I literally I was just in X-Files It's a spinoff of the X-Files as all that it was can i tell you i was this year old minus three months when i learned about phantom time theory nobody never tells me shit it's amazing yeah also that my first thought may okay maybe i am pete carroll too because my first thought when i read about phantom time theory was like i would totally do this if i could pull it off yeah so you have some pete carroll i would

totally try to do this pete carroll's like if i pull off phantom time theory i can the only person in the world who really knows what calendar it what what time it is who really knows what calendar it is. Gorsh. In 1642, I disappeared three months off the calendar. Yeah. And I'm just going to find Ryan's throughout history now.

Ryan is the French soldier who started buying like sheep when they were sent to Verdun. Right? That's, that's you. That's you. I thought it'd be me. I was wrong. It's Ryan.

It doesn't matter. Yeah. You're, Yeah, this is amazing. I'm so glad I know this about you now. You should do moon pranks. That's all. Like, you should, if we go back to the moon, maybe that's why we don't go back.

Maybe they're like, oh, we can't trust them. It's just covered in whoopee cushions. Hey, I'm not opening the can. I know there's a snake in there. Stop it. Oh. Okay, so those. Why would there be peanut brittle on the moon?

That doesn't make sense. Ryan. With the snakes, okay. So I assume. that because they are spring coiled, the snakes would spring out upon the can being loaded, but would they... It'd be slower, though. Yeah, yeah.

Astronaut, sound off in the chat. To all those freaks who tour Chernobyl for fun, Ryan's the tour guide, who sets off the test button on the dosimeter as they're walking through... A hundred percent. I would totally put a joy buzzer on a dosimeter. I can't believe I've never thought about that before. Yeah. Well, that's not good.

I bet you regret $300 to have me show you around this place now. Wow. Okay. Yeah, that's quite an achievement that we felt like we had to note. I have an achievement of an entirely different kind that I wanted to note here, which is this. This is yet kind of another present for Ryan. Yeah, you ready, Ryan? truck driver chases massed meat theft suspects off with baseball bat in Philadelphia.

Oh, man. These are for hoagies. Philadelphia. Every time we've ever said Pennsylvania is our funniest state, which is a lot, I kind of feel like we're underselling it. Move closer to this bat, my friends. This is in northeast Philly, Philadelphia. you please say they're looking for 10 to 12 mass men 10 to 12 that's a meat gang that's j the apostles

rolled up trying to steal this speech you got the that's a ball this tommy that's like a full baha men unit like 10 to 12 guys excuse me they have like 1,300 people on stage there's 19 baha men get it together jesus god damn i'm sorry yeah that's one it's i've done ball team it's an NBA team I've done a hemi that's a hemmy bah man 10 to 12 tried to let the dogs out

that's right hot dogs yeah say what kind of meat it does not specify what kind of meat other than frozen glorious glorious me other yeah glorious this is he said he woke up

as the reefer unit started going up and down up and down which he said that's kind of unusual. So there were four vehicles involved in a bunch of guys pulling stuff out of the trailer. He said he chased them off with a baseball bat with suspects leaving pieces of meat and boxes scattered across the parking lot. The quote from Landry was, they took off like cockroaches.

Like this guy lived a real side scroller beat him up where you're like, I don't think one guy could defeat 12 guys on screen, but he did. He did. with a baseball bat although really if I'm sitting there looking at it like there's a guy with a bat running at me and I'm holding what

like $70 worth of beef yeah yeah I'll say I got a brisket yeah I'm not dying for this shit no it's frozen hit him back oh yeah if you can get a good grip on that if you can get a grip on that long off to swing without it like flying out of your hands yeah I guess

but it's risky that's like there's no grip that guy's got a bat there's no grip but maybe you've got work gloves on it's cold up there right now yeah also chances are the guy just woke up i'm probably well ahead on this endeavor already right but my my question is this i know beef is a very valuable commodity right now relative to other food stuff however however if you have 10 to 12 guys this is not smart because what is your no pun intended cut of the beef the meat heist at that point i imagine this is way easier to separate out a loot than any other heist possibly ever it's just you know you make a line oh i'm also confident that three to five thanksgivings have been ruined by this spoiled spoiled robbery i like i like the number of

thanksgiving dinners that you set there because without reading this story i'm just going to go off the assumption that several of these people are related a hundred percent there's some cousins in this you never yeah you never get like you never get a double digit gang without at least one idiot cousin Yeah, this was not, we've assembled a crew of diverse backgrounds and talents. It's, yo, Anthony, big Anthony, we got a new job for you. How many people in this gang do you think are named Anthony? All of them. Absolutely all of them.

Hey, Tony, they'll turn around. The witch said you got to eat all the pasta. Oh, you kidding me? It's going to mess with my macros. I got to get some protein. I know. You got a no rubber truck. Oh, my God.

Beach season's coming. I'm not just going to eat pasta. Yeah, I'm just thinking these guys. Oh, I know. I'm just thinking. You could technically do a stragganona over the eternal flame at JFK's grave now that I'm thinking about it. Well, now we're all thinking about it. Do they keep the Olympic flame lit here?

It's got if, if cauldron, why no soup? If cauldron, why no bubble pasta pot? i uh god bless us the good news is nothing i say today can damage the kennedy legacy more than anything that's happened in real life over the last eight months or so happy anniversary oh shit no other way huh we had a reader remind us of that actually happy no no no first of all that's server's role yes that's true i'm usurping but you fry the turkey here I don't want to make sure that it's completely frozen. It's hot.

Yeah. Should we do the show? Yeah, I think we should. It's 45 minutes in. Should we do the show? Let's go. Yes, we have decided that what we need on this holiday is Thanksgiving disasters, too. We are going to review.

Somebody pointed out. I think it was Craig. I graciously pointed out that it has been six years since we've done one of these. There's a weird phenomenon with the holiday episodes where there is a swath of readers every year who thinks that we do these every year. We don't. We've done one Christmas episode ever. We've done one Thanksgiving episode ever. The one that we keep, you know, we did two parts of the dad episodes because your submissions were so very many.

The only one that we brought back for more than once beyond that is lawn disasters, which we've done three of at this point. But six years in and the idiot 30-somethings, us included, who made up the original disasters cohort, are now Idiot 40-somethings. And we weren't really sure we were going to have enough. I'm 23 years old. Thank you. Thank you. I did want to start with this one because we have spoken of jet skis in this episode already.

We have spoken of jet skis in previous episode. Devon from Atlanta has brought us, God help us, a combination I didn't think existed, which was the combination Thanksgiving jet ski disaster. Hey, forecast. Hail around. This is Devin from Atlanta. My mom's side of the family is from a little small town in South Central Florida called Lake Placid, where a distant relative owns some Groveland, some of which was on the aforementioned Lake Placid.

Well, one year my uncle decided that putting the turkey friar pretty close to the lake made sense. Ostensibly, in case something went wrong, there would be a body of water nearby. Well, enter in a drunk cousin's boyfriend and a jet ski, and you end up with turkey grease, a turkey flying everywhere, and an orange tree on fire. Go Gators. the signs the prophecy it's all happening there are cathedrals everywhere

for those with eyes every time I try to remind people that no it's quite safe to fry a turkey if you take the proper precautions I then remember wait there are idiots I mean yeah somebody somebody's going to do it right like that's the thing someone's going to do it

we can actually have the Consumer Protection Bureau and every single major public safety agency, every hour on the hour, tell someone not to put your frozen turkey in the friar. Not helped by members of our community this week. No, who are really pushing for people to do this. Don't listen to them. And they're going to do it.

They're going to do it anyway. Yeah, someone's going to do it. Yeah. I want video of this incident. If you have it, please send it to me. I'm a bad person, and I acknowledge that. I like that simultaneously you're like, don't do this it's dangerous but if you do get the footage please yeah yeah ryan it's called

journalism sorry if you don't know what it is i'm just going to drop this in can i tell you one other way our readers really came through this week is um first of all the last time we did this gmail didn't populate inane auto responses in gmail so we would get like you know oh my my my grandpa with dementia wandered away on Thanksgiving night and ended up with frostbite on half his feet after he stood in the creek. And Gmail across the bottom is like,

how fun, that sounds great. What time are you having dinner this year? But we had, and I thought that was going to form, I thought that was going to form maybe at least one small story this year. But then we had, um, then we had Jacob who wrote in and just said,

and the short stories are the best took kids to movies wife called knife stuck in foot he sent a photo can i see the photo i'm putting it in slack right now okay let's look there's no blood it's still upsetting oh no that's a knife and a foot yeah we're right in there it sure did yeah it's it's almost it's almost it looks cartoonish right well it's almost it's almost it's at It's not at the angle of like straight down. It's not like straight down dropped. It's almost like forgetfully. Forgetfully you were trying to carve your foot instead of food.

It looks like you thought your foot was a cake. And you're about. And there's only one way to find out. Yeah. Foot or cake. Netflix. What if you rot? Foot or cake.

America's favorite new show. America's only fan spit off. David Kronenberg's hit new sitcom. Yeah. Can I do one that is also in the Knife Realm? but less than nice realm we'll push you all the jet screen in the middle of the minutes i didn't say push i didn't say push you sort of whip through it come on you know what i'm talking about you're awake oh yeah you went oh come on god you power slide it jesus

anyway this thanksgiving disaster comes from care one year my mom was cutting the desserts when my uncle bill parentheses, dad's side, asked for the server, sliced the entire pumpkin pie into four pieces, and took two. Are you sure that's your uncle? That's a bear. Bears can be uncles. You have a bear problem. I've seen brave. I know how this works. Okay, wait. Now, you put me in the immediate frame of mind to ask, is the reader a bear? That's right.

I became more suspicious of Uncle Bill when he drank 32 beers from the nearest cooler and went to sleep in a nearby tree. What I like is that the audacity of cutting a pumpkin pie into quarters and taking one quarter would be pushing the limits. It's like, first of all, you've done a bad job. And second of all, you're kind of like eating a quarter of. of the pumpkin pie is pushing the limits. But to do this and then say, nope, in for a penny, in for a pub.

The only thing funny or truthfully would have been cutting it and four and taking three. That's the funniest possibility here. Taking four is not funny because then why did you cut it at all? It's taking three and leaving a quarter of an unsliced pumpkin pie

for everybody else to fucking deal with. But two is very good. Let me be clear. But also slicing the remainder. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, just like great. It's also that the uncle in this situation, this was not his job. He stepped in to say, I got this. Hey, hey, this is man's work here. There's a history behind this, though. At one point, there was a Thanksgiving where he said, hey, we got any more of that pumpkin pie? Oh, yeah, get a piece. Bill, we ate it all. I'm sorry. We already served it. And Bill was like, Not again.

Never again. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. Also, if you see somebody take two slices of the pie, I'm just going to tell you, schedule the intervention. Something's wrong in their life. You need to go ahead, sit down and figure it out with them. There's no law on thanks. Any other time of year?

Yes. Thanksgiving, it's a time of gluttony, my man. Ryan says you can be the bump as hounds from a Christmas story on Thanksgiving. Anything's game. If you want to just burst into your neighbor's kitchen, tear the table. turkey off the table. I hope he stacked. For a goof.

For goof. I hope he stacked the quarter pieces on top of each other and made like a little two two pumpkin pies. Oh, wait. Flip them like. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. And he didn't it's the sloppiest. With pumpkin pie cow's own. Yeah. Unbroken eye contact with yeah. Like an empanata,

but for pies. What are you thankful for? Chom. an empire nota making a giant pumpkin pie ravioli and eating it as fast as you can i want to meet i want to meet the woman who sees that happen and it's like i'm gonna fuck that man oh my god the energy what oh what a what a man she probably sounds a little bit more like yes though god damn bill god damn do you see that holy shit I'm like that thing I've seen outside the Chevron station um I would I'm gonna I'm gonna grab one of mine here this is from Joseph M my sister's boyfriend got her pregnant congratulations my sister decided to drag me into it by saying I don't see what the big deal is Joe has sex all the time

to which my mother replied immediately no he He doesn't. I've said this was a dinner. The turkey was a little too dry, which made it a disaster. Just your mom. God damn, mom. This is, if you've, sweep the leg. If you've seen a football play where a guy is struggling to tackle somebody.

She's a submarine. And the teammate comes over and tears your ACL by submarine. It's when you see a quarterback get hit from both sides, one high, one low. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. Oh, that's my spine. Oh, boy. It's bad in either direction.

Your mom should remain neutral on this question. Yeah, she's a stay focused. She's allowing herself to be distracted, by the way. So this is like a twofold mistake on mom's part. Right. She's coming off target one and going to secondary target, right? you fell for the bait don't do that don't fall for the bait but it's kind of bad in the other direction too because if your mother came on and said yeah joe's tagging it i hear that shit all day

joe is wearing him out it's not good at it but no no it sounds like a ufc fight in there he is persistent when there's two minutes left i hear someone clapping at the side of the cage it's like trying to put a usb stick in when you don't know which direction it should go man sounds like rocky training yeah that there's an old man yelling at him the old there's an old man punching and a chicken for some reason um that rock it's a lot of philly in this episode a lot of philly server get us out of here um i would like to pair one of mine uh with also a voicemail.

Reader Jerry simply writes, don't sue v. mashed potatoes. Go balls. Yeah. I think this also corresponds with a call from reader Matt. Masked potato muffins. Oops.

No, I hope that was the whole thing. No, I can tell. That's, I don't think that was a disaster. Good. No, I think I'm listening. I disagree with. concept that this is a disaster i mean i'm listening is what i'm saying i don't know maybe they weren't executed correctly like mashed potatoes baked in muffin cups like little individual like because

then you get more crispy edges on each serving i can see this it's i mean any kind of twice bake this is essentially a twice baked potato yeah but in like like a like a wait does this not sound good to you here's why i'm pushing back on all of these things why are you fucking around at thanksgiving yeah yeah that's true what the fuck you doing this is not the time to be cute spencer it's not a twice baked potato because a twice baked potato has the potato skin to make it all work you're describing basically throw potato innards onto a baking sheet and make it work no but if it's muffins they're in a muffin tin right how much does that how much is that actually going to do for something that's not made to bake and set though i guess i guess i guess it depends

if you're the type of, it depends on the recipe. If you have like eggs in there as a binder. Okay, yeah, if you modify it, yes, I agree that that could work. But in my mind, this is somebody saying, I have muffintin, I have mashed potatoes, mind explode. Yeah, we don't have additional details on this, but I'm wondering if this was like a, you know, I, my apartment kitchen has room for precisely zero baking pans, but I have a muffin tin. Potatoes need to get hot.

I know. I will say, I like this idea better than suveed mesh panes. yeah i would just i think the mashed potato muffins listen i smoke weed too man sometimes it doesn't work out what about a coleslaw burrito yeah like it's just not yeah if anything mashed potato muffin is a day after thanksgiving project it's not a thanksgiving yeah yeah that sounds like that goes in the stuffing waffles category right right think yes where it's like if on friday try whatever you want man don't show up on Thursday, it'd be like, hey, man, guess what I tried?

I did it. There's another one here that also raised questions with me. Like some, by the way, in general, everybody, great submissions. You guys are really adhering to the best practices here in our business prison submission details, which is to keep it short, keep it snappy. But for a couple of you, I wish you'd given us just a little bit more context, but maybe it's, maybe it's more beautiful in than not knowing. Let's see what you think.

Because this from Rob is like, Charles Portis would be like crisp. Yeah. Grandpa cut thumb trying to open a twist off wine bottle with a knife. Urgent care visit. Okay. He had 9.5 fingers when this happens. He currently has 7.5. Parentheses, not knife related.

End of story. Rob, I have a series of questions for you. I had an aunt like that. She would like, she liked, she loved to make her own birdhouses and she loved to gamble in Reno. Those were like kind of the only two things that she did in retirement. And one of those things meant she only had six fingers. Whoa. Reno pit bosses are a lot different.

Yeah. That's, wow. I have another question, which is how many bottles of wine were consumed before grandpa decided to try to open. open the bottle of wine with the screw top with the knife. I imagine it's probably somewhere between zero and two. I've had a few chardonnays, what of it? Yeah.

Yeah, that's, I have one. It's also very short. My family had to stay at the table until you finish your plate rule. When I was 11 years old, my dad put his green beans on my plate. And I didn't want to finish them. they wouldn't let me throw them out i set up my grandma's dinner table alone for six hours joey joey i've learned a lot about you today uh one is you are a man of willpower tenacious tenacious just to sit there and be like fuck no what i don't know is did you eventually eat them

after six hours or did they just give up oh yeah we got some open into some open ended plots here thank you joey piggybacking off with green beans fucking suck and they're the worst thing at the table mine is brandon two aunts both brought green beans to our family gathering leading to a rapidly devolving sequence of them insulting each other's green beans screaming at each other nearly coming to blows and one aunt spending the rest of the day sulking on the back porch okay i like green beans like the ceiling and the floor for these like it feels like we're arguing over like who's the best third string quarterback in the NFL. And I feel like that's an unnecessary battle to have.

Just don't, don't bring two, don't let two people bring the same thing. That should never happen at things. That's happened to me before. That's something to me this year. Yeah, I have brought, I have brought something that I was told to bring and then found out that the host had forgotten they told me to make it and made it themselves. Oh, see, I thought you meant the host had asked two different people to bring it in order to pit them against each other or make you fall in love no this was this was purely and and the worst part is

it was sweet potato casserole which i am not like i feel fine about but i'm not that excited about and the host's answer in this case was okay you take yours home we're gonna eat my wow was this somebody you're related to i can't disclose that which is to say yes um all right here's here's one that feels very very what you would expect wait wait wait right actually hang on that puts me of mind. Chat, have we accumulated any additional Thanksgiving disasters since we last convened in this manner? Yes. 2019. Yeah, definitely. The Thanksgiving after that one was the, or no, Thanksgiving 2021. I had my whole family coming into town and some other sort of like friends and relatives. We were, we weren't hosting, but we were doing it at my in-law.

but I was doing all the cooking and that was the Thanksgiving that three days before Thanksgiving our fridge died yeah oh god I forgot about that it's not there's not like a funny story to it but this is also where I learned that Airbnb I knew this already but this is where it became very crystallized to me Airbnb kitchens are a lie because my parents and my brother and sister and their partners were all staying in a big Airbnb in East Nashville that had a knife block do you know what the knife block didn't have in it? Knives. Any knives?

Zero goddamn knives. This is, I always travel with knives when I'm staying in a rental that's going to require cooking because, not, not because like, oh, I'm precious about my knife roll. No, because dull knives are fucking dangerous. They're dangerous and useless, yes. So I basically had to create a multi-step order of operations to be like, this is what will get cooked when and how and where and then transported i remember you were going to like different

houses yes you engineered the shit out of that there were four locations involved in this thanksgiving and somehow it was pulled off and it was that that's the last time i've hosted and that might be the last time for a while like that it was unpleasant ryan that's a disaster but like i seriously on a on a campaign field marshaling level like way to go thank you thank you it was i i'm glad that it got off. I do not, I do not recommend your fridge dying four days before Thanksgiving. I would put that in half a star. That's my review. Just a goof. Just for life. Only if Alton Brown pops his head through the window and goes, for this challenge. I think the worst part about it is that I did not take the reasonable step. Like, I think the only thing I changed was instead of making

the rolls, I was like, I'll just buy rules. But everything else, else I stuck to. And in retrospect, I'm like, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you make this easier on yourself? And that's a, that's a bigger conversation that would take a whole separate series of episodes. Yeah, we said this on, we said this on Saturday morning in the hand of the dirt chat, but I'm just, I'm just going to, I'm just going to quote Andy Marie Tillman here. There are no homemaker medals. And you don't need one. Like, you have, you have nothing to prove to anybody. I think we had somebody who was like, my house is mess. My in-laws are coming. what are we going to do for Thanksgiving?

And my answer was, you're going to have Thanksgiving. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. Listen, sometimes the Protestant work ethic needs to be beaten with a bat like someone stealing meat from your trailer. Do the rest of you have any updated Thanksgiving disasters? I think the only disaster we had that was a holiday disaster was the diarrhea storm a couple of years ago. Oh, that was two, three years ago?

Yeah, but that wasn't Thanksgiving. That was when literally everybody had norovirus except me. yeah which was awesome built different like I'm gonna say that I spent well it was I spent the whole week worrying that I was gonna get sick and I just didn't I don't know how that's possible because I mean your kids don't wash their hands because they're chosen by God yeah but now it was very traumatizing for Spencer's younger son at the time but he has such an air of cheerful like almost chipper attitude about it now like it's a cherished memory like he thinks thinks it's funny now, but he thinks it's funny in a way of, and this is charming when it happens. I'm not criticizing him. It can be a lot in a public setting to drop something like this. But, you know, somebody will bring up, oh, this happened at Thanksgiving, this happened at Christmas. And he will look at Spencer with the biggest smile on his face and go, hey, at least nobody shit up the stairs, which is something that he did. Yeah. Put that on it,

stitch that on pro pillow. I will tell you that it was become like a mantra. It was such a bad situation at that point between the three of us that it happened no flinching no nothing it's not even just like yep no keep going we got it yeah here go you do this you do that we're we're we're good because there was absolutely it was like past the point of even being shocked you're like sure why not like going around the house in a mask lisoling every doorknought this is why this is why attitude of like quarterback who just threw his fourth pick is like back on the field hey right back zero zero no it's why an it's why every Alien movie is, I think, unrealistic

if you extended it past the two hour mark, because at one point, they'd be like, yeah, alien got him. You're like, yeah, I mean, that's going to happen, right? Infected? Right? Intubated? Right? Yeah, yeah. So I've got a whole chest thing. Okay, well, suck him over there. He's just going to fucking explode in a minute. All right, get the

flame throwers. Like, pranks, goofs. Yeah, exactly. Pranks. Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. No, no. It's cool. It's cool. Yeah, just had to fart. server do you have a thanksgiving disaster of recent vintage i don't know if it's necessarily a disaster because it was solved in like an okay way but one year i decided i would just let my

dad relayed all the information to me about our thanksgiving get together with all my aunts and uncles and stuff uh and he relayed to me oh you don't need to bring anything chelsea makes this one dessert and she was like just make sure she brings that that's all i didn't realize that for the you know i did realize for the two three years before that i had been making mac and cheese and bringing it um but i was under the impression that someone else must have been wanting to take a a shot at this and they didn't need me to make it and i was already making it for someone else so that was fine so i showed up and my aunt who it's funny you mention andy marie tillman because i have one aunt who is very much the overmedicated aunt that

andy marie tillman makes the cornbread video about honey and um she literally when she saw me walk in without macaroni and cheese and she said where's the mac and cheese and i said I don't know who made it she literally fell out into a chair like I'm leaning back right now my arms out Lord what do you mean and I had to in like 35 minutes whip up mac and cheese from whatever I could find oh so like actually a food network challenge basically oh yeah like I did it and it was not as good as my usual mac and cheese because I didn't have all the cheeses I used man you made a miracle sure I did I listen there was macaroni with cheese all melted in it baked in the oven that was then available on the plate that that was the best i could do in that

moment but how would it was a disaster how would you have felt if you had dug into that and been like oh shit this is actually better than my well i see i was it's funny because the way that i made it was just like a way that i used to make it when i was in my early 20s when i didn't care about anything and it fucking bangs like it is very good it's just not as good as like it's not what i would take to the cookout so to speak so uh it was it was absolutely fine and i knew they were going to be pleased with it but to me i let myself down because i knew i'm capable of much much better with sure much much more yeah that's good that's that's a very nick sabin after a win attitude of like i'm not happy with what happened i know we won by 30 but i'm not happy about it

yeah absolutely yeah okay understood i have one that i think can get us back on track in a hurry. You want to get us back on track in a hurry? Are you sick now? David, thank you for sending this in. It's going to be in my head for a while. Subject line. Brother-in-law dropped pegging video in family

group chat. It's the in-law part that really makes it be caught. Man, I don't have any in-laws in our family group chat to y'all what's the next chat line like what's the next one like so who's bringing rolls yeah you just started no it just it just it's done X left the group X left the group or do you like do you said Uncle Bill seen that one already since they're eating

two apple pot your form shit your form shit text me privately Grandparents chat. Goodness. Was it, is this just a video or was it your video? I got to say after this, you, I don't know that I would ever put a piece of a link or a piece of media in any group chat ever again. I think I'd be like, I live in text. I live in 1999 mode. This phone is for texts.

It doesn't do photos and videos. It just doesn't. We are teen-nining through the universe. That's right. This phone, I would actually do the, what Andrew Luck used to do, and I'd be like, hi, AT&T, I need you to downgrade me to a Nokia flip phone as soon as possible. I can't be in this position again. No, you're going to communicate.

You can't let this happen to me. I'm going to communicate by facts. Yes. Here's a letter. Here's a letter that I had a pigeon bring to you. You know what? It doesn't have a pegging video in it. Oh, what?

There's a DVD and stuff. I don't know. How did this happen again? Man, this is. And if this, there were no, there were no additional like, I assume this happened during like prep, you know. I hope it was like, oh, I forgot to send you this. Oh, you want the succession version of this. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Let me see. This is hard to, like, it's hard to do that accidentally. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, let him. In order to send it where he's going with it. How fat are your thumbs if you can't, like that's like a... Okay, time out.

You are famous for having accidentally put the Battle of Nabu into a published article. Yes, twice. How is this different than that? Then you put it in, and I nearly lost my mind up there. How is this different than that, though? Because on an iPhone, right? Yeah. On an iPhone, first of all, which we don't know.

Most people aren't as stupid as I am. Okay. Disagree. I have bad news. for you you're actually above average second second i presume this is a group chat that you're doing a little plus at the bottom okay sure hit that with your thumb and then there is the select video those two those two panels next to each other yeah they're not close they're not particularly close okay no no no you are just you're directly from porn hub you're describing

how it would be hard to accident you're describing how it would be hard to accident you're describing how it it would be hard to accidentally send a video without intending to but I want to give you two alternatives number one have you ever sent something to the wrong person or to the wrong chat because you didn't forgot which one it was I have our friend Josh black I sent him a pair of shower slides that was supposed to be for my wife to say oh this is what you should get me they didn't what happened Ryan and then Josh said it to the group text that I'm in with Holly and a couple other people so that they can roast me for my shower slide selection Excuse me, let me, it's also very important to note that this is, this group chat is called Saturday Prayer Warriors.

Yes. And it is dedicated entirely to praying for Auburn football. Which, yeah, which needs it now more than every young. Uh-huh. So I'm saying either you can, you can encounter danger in one of two ways, which I would posit both are easy. Number one, right message sent to wrong audience. I think that's very doable. And I think everyone listening to this has sent a text to the wrong person before.

number two you meant to send something to this group but you weren't paying close enough attention and what you thought was cute video of our four-year-old you know learning how to read was accidentally pegging video you just didn't pay enough attention again because it's on your phone where you're just like yeah that's the one and just sort of went through the motions without realizing what you were sending i think these are two equally pegging pepah pig that's That's a pig 9-11 meme. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's how I think this could happen to somebody who's just as stupid as you and me. Man, how, I don't know if this is like a white elephant gift swap family. I don't know if these people exchange gifts at Christmas. I don't know if they celebrate Christmas at all. It would take more strength of character than I have to resist giving this guy one of those little Cracker Barrel jump all but one games for Christmas. You know what I'm like, here's some pegging that you could do anywhere. You know what I'd give?

Coffee mug with Peg Bundy's face. That's what I have to give. Absolutely. Adap her up and I'd be like, yeah, don't take it easy on her, easy on her, Kaylee. That's right. Oh, God, I didn't even think about interacting with the wife after this. Yeah. See, and it's also not clear from the text whether this is like,

whether whether brother-in-law is like is this your sister's husband or is this like the brother of your spouse or is it just unrelated is it just a pegging video that you happen to have it's worse if it's free it's not worse it's it's a different flavor if it's freelance isn't it i have to say if if you put if you force me in a situation where you're like you have to send a pegging video to your family would you rather it be you in the video or strangers i'm picking strangers stranger every day strangers every day because the easiest black mirror ever yeah yeah so i hope for the sake of this brother-in-law that it happened to just be like oh this is my go-to joke pegging video that i use on the bro a real excuse yeah i sent it's a real crowd pleaser whoops i sent meat spin to my whole family

let's change the subject yeah um we have a we are one of the the things we also ask for disaster episodes is that, and again, you guys have been great about this, is that there's an unspoken agreement that these need to be funny, or at least funny in retrospect. You know, the ones that we get that are genuinely just sad wall to wall, we tend not to use. This is not that kind of show. We are sorry that happened to you. But every once in a while, we get one that intersects with an actual disaster that one of you sent us a journey. One of you sent us a real journey. Can we hear from Matt in 206? Hey, all. My disaster was the night that Alabama lost to Auburn on that kickoff.

Oh, that one. Yeah. Or that kick to end the game with the kick six. I was standing with a family friend who was a diehard, diehard Bama fan. And we were supposed to take the train back from Albany down to New York the next day. He was in such a shitty mood after they lost. lost that game, we had to leave his parents. I was staying at his parents' place and catch the late train. So we caught the train back into the city. The train we were supposed to take was the Metro North train that crashed and killed a couple people coming into New York the next day. And so Auburn winning that game probably saved me from a pretty serious injury.

Thanks all. Wow. I will say that's a story. send i will say that's a this a frame of mind that i had never considered before so the problem is this like first of all matt glad to hear you weren't injured etc who i really want to talk to is the bama fan yeah and say like all right you have rather happened exact yes you can snap your fingers and undo it and i'm not going to tell you where you are on the train but you are on the train but bama wins that game in overtime what do you pick i think probably things went well

enough for Bama that you'd probably still pick like not not risking life and limb because it's not like that was the end of the next statement dinosaur but it's Bama so you can't be sure I can't be sure at all it just means more has never meant like anything good on this show what we're not about to change that now and now if I'm that Bama fan part of me wonders 50 years from now do I go back in time and somehow influence the events of the kick six game to happen to save some other calamity like is there some other calamity that I I had to ward off by making Auburn win the football game by keeping them off the field tonight you will keep them on the track that's right that's right when are you going to write your thank you note to next saving for keeping you alive is that who you think you need to thank you yeah that's that's what you need to to thank that's a real bama focus attitude that's that's the bama attitude yeah sorry roll tide you know i send him several thank you notes a week just for being alive and doing what he does where's yours calin boar's never saved me from train no no hell no calin de boar's gonna get us

all killed on the plane and lose three a year well we think about that that's what i'm gonna be thinking when i'm about to hit the mountain i'll be like god damn right can we sign you i know you've got to run can we sign you off with uh with one more because it's It's Philly theme. Can you read line six for us? Okay, hold on. All right. This one comes from Tom.

Uncle Bet an older cousin couldn't eat six cheese steaks after Thanksgiving dinner. By the way, we assign these to Ryan. So this is like maybe the first time he's reading something. It is. This one is. Yeah. Uncle bet an older cousin that he couldn't eat six cheese steaks after Thanksgiving dinner. He puked after three.

what i like about this again the beauty of all of any short disaster is you give us space to imagine the world to create around it and i feel confident that there was bargaining that like i don't think six was the number that the uncle started i think the cousin bargained him down to six from something higher but buddy you lost this negotiation you lost at the jump it's also like think about all right we've all puked i don't think i don't right now i don't think i can imagine what it would feel like to puke up the entirety of thanksgiving dinner oh god and three cheese steaks just from a volume you're not so much like vomiting as extruding at that point like does it come out like a pasta machine just again you are

becomes strickenona Big Tony Come over here and eat these cheese sticks Ryan. The other one we had you assigned was just a subject line that said Philadelphia River Cruz Thanksgiving. Oh my God. I did not read the email. Go birds.

All right, I'll let you guys take it from here. Happy Thanksgiving, buddy. Happy Thanksgiving. Serbs, you want to take one? Yeah. Let's see here. We have one from reader Jason. Did you know that a two cup Pyrex measuring cup dropped onto a glass top stove from a four foot elevation makes a sound as loud as a gunshot?

That's what my next door neighbor, a cop thought had happened. Did you also know that you can make mashed potatoes from scratch in a microwave after every burner on your stove is now broken? We were hosting my folks and my mom's side of the family for our first married Thanksgiving. everything was edible with no glass in it i hope it's been 20 years and everyone there is still alive so i think that's a good thing no disaster you nailed it man way to go jason also i i just want to i just want to shout out baking your potatoes to make mashed potatoes because this guy made it in the microwave and he's like oh it turned out fine much like sometimes you microwave a baked potato and it turns out kind of fine if you used baked potatoes

for your mashed potatoes you are taking it to the level of of which the best mashed potatoes you've always have. Yeah, because there's no water content. Yeah. Bingo. I just want to, I don't think enough people, uh, adhere to that gospel or Yeah, it's just think about how delicious your baked potato is when you mash it up a little bit as you're eating it. Yeah. Think about doing that with eight of them. Yeah, I will tell you microwave too on terms of starches. Rice and sticky rice. Sticky rice in particular, there's a shortcut for sticky rice.

If you're going to do it in the microwave, killer. this is we get a lot of we did this i remember with last thanksgiving disasters too we get a lot of pyrex related explosions so it takes you got to clear a pretty high bar uh in order for a pyrex related disaster to make the show because you're never ever ever going to be the time brian cook's wife shocked all the enamel off of her lacrusee putting it out in the snow after kitchen fire but but this one this one this had an important educational component that we thought was vital to include. Yeah. I think it's also vital that we updated because we do get new ones, particularly fresh ones. I don't think we have one that's fresher than this. Oh, is this West?

This is from West. Burned a hole through my friend's plastic folding table and chair. Help put it out with a pot that still had bits of mashed potatoes. The firemen declined to eat with us. This was literally yesterday. And I'm scared what will happen this Thursday. The firemen, we love and celebrate the little codas on the ends of these that we often get. The firemen decline to eat with this is on the podium all time. Put that in the rafters. Those are hungry folks. So if they declined to eat with you, I assume they had reason.

Yeah, if you guys have leftovers, by the way, and there's a fire station nearby. And you know, you're making something delicious with your leftovers the next day. Like you're making stuffing waffles. as you're making gumbo, whatever. Take it over to the fire station. I guarantee you they've had a weird 48 hours. Mm-hmm. 100%.

I want to take one. Go ahead. I want to take one. Oh, this is, hmm. We have, we have an update from a Thanksgiving disaster, 2019. Mm-hmm. Drew, he of the Jacksonville balcony, great-uncle, present flinging. Yes.

Thanksgiving. You can return to our previous episode. and listen to that if you want. Drew has provided an update on the people involved in the story. My then-girlfriend and I stayed at their house for the 2007 Auburn, Florida game. The Great Aunt is a long-time season ticket holder at U.F. The present-throwing Great Uncle was out of town, which made things significantly easier all around. I was personally surprised to learn that that man was allowed to leave the state.

Oh, it's a good testament to a family member if you're like, he wasn't there, so it was easy. after the game though my great aunt was drinking while driving us back from gainesville to jacksonville up u.s. 301 uh somehow despite that mildly terrifying ride she still said yes i assume he means the girlfriend when i proposed a couple months later and we've been married 17 years since we offered the present thrower the chance to be our wedding photographer i'm imagining this playing over like over leila uh mainly out of politeness or no no the piano outro yeah oh yeah mainly out of politeness or family politics the uncle was a very good photographer surprisingly he accepted unfortunately his photography skills did not transfer to digital cameras

very well about two to three years later the gradient wised up and finally divorced him we didn't i promise we're this is long and i promise but we're building to something and i actually should have done this while ryan was here too we didn't really see her much until fall of 2014 when we had a larger family get together at a historic inn in the mountains of north Carolina. We were sitting on a large covered wooden deck, having a couple of drinks when the topic of football came up as it usually does. She went on a fairly inebriated rant about big, dumb Will-Must champ football and how Jeremy Foley should never have been allowed to hire him. That in itself wasn't too bad. But then she went on to talk about why he shouldn't have been hired, insinuating that he had

been sleeping around the department, punctuated with saying, Jeremy, pause while while violently bouncing up and down on the wooden rocking chair with both arms up and eyes closed foley every time she said his name i will never get that image or sound out of my brain spencer i didn't know jeremy foley had a ho phase we're all learning something today okay okay this is something this was new information to me goodness wow um yeah that's crazy that's okay visuals i did not need because Jeremy Foley kind of looks like the guy in Twin Peaks who says it's happening again. So that's not a visual I want.

Uh-huh. But now in my head, it is happening. It sure is. Or good. I'd like to get as far away from that visual as possible. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. So I'm going to go ahead and read one. This is Tennessee themed. Oh, no. My aunt, parentheses, unwell. Brought her cat Pity Pat

to the farm for Thanksgiving. What a beautiful. I already know this is Tennessee. Thank you. Accidentally stepped on the cat's tail. Aunt, who was dicing vegetables, turned, held me at knife point and warned my unhinged jealousy of pity pat would no longer be tolerated. I'd never met the cat before. Doesn't say he wasn't unhinged jealous of him, though. Note that.

Yeah, that's true. Dad, aunt's longtime brother. in-law talked her down, took me outside, and after some silence said, son, I reckon you figured by now, but you should know, your aunt is an N-U-T-nut. I asked if she would actually stab me. He thought for a full minute, took a drag from his cigarette, and replied, I just wouldn't step on her cat anymore. Let's head back before all the saucers balls are gone. I was nine. Go balls. Brett. That's cinema, buddy.

I can hear this so in you, T, nut. I can hear this so specifically. It's the drag from the cigarette that really, you know, elevates it to like high drama there. That was a Marlborough Red. We all know that.

Yeah. And that's not the first time that she's been around and he's like, I got to fire one up. Hold on. All right. Holding a child at knife point because you think that he's jealous of the cat is it's elevated yeah any pat too man that's a cat-ass cat name who brings there that's the other thing yeah that cat's

not having fun maybe bringing a dog to a family function is is they play Thanksgiving it now bringing it on Thanksgiving slightly problematic due to the fact that Thanksgiving being this is entirely context dependent I'm saying it could happen bringing a cat cat's not a traveling animal i know i know i know this because i know there are instagrammers with cat backpacks out there that's fine i'm going to take my cat with me the cat doesn't want to go no the cat doesn't the cat no cat does not care dog wants to go because there might be a tasty dumpster nearby cat not even thinking about it man it rather just a different tasting turd than they've had recently right doesn't even necessarily need to be a dumpster just like oh am i getting notes of gastonia

Yeah, the cat's like, I sleep 21 hours a day. I don't want this shit. I want to wake up for that one hour in the same place. Can I steal one of Ryan's? Yeah, go ahead. It's another childhood story. It was 1996, says Justin, and I was 11 years old. I insisted on going to see Space Jam in the theater after dinner.

I could not have predicted where this story was going if you gave me 10 years and guesses every second. Nope. walking back to the car i turned blue and fell to the ground after two days in the hospital and a ton of tests i was fine the doctors determined thanksgiving was ruined because i was so enthralled by bugs and company that i gave myself a vasovagal episode from not moving for two hours the grudge my mother holds against that movie would make mj proud himself get a monstar for real he was he saw it and it was like

oh god they got my skills he hit him low I'm just I'm trying to put myself in the position of again we're imagining the universe around this is the fun part of these I'm trying to imagine the faces of the parents when they hear

their emotional journey between sun turns blue and And you find out why. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then you get the bill. Then you get the bill.

Thank you for the important part. Yeah. This is as somebody. Definitely not brought to you by a week that has already included, as in last year's Thanksgiving, a trip to the emergency vet for Sunny. She's fine. She's fine. She's just a fool. She's expensive and fine.

Yeah. I will tell you, as somebody who has vaso-vegal responses to things from time. Can you explain? to people what those even are yeah you vagus nerve named Vegas from the latin or for wandering you uh it is a big for the crystal method album of the same name yes and Vegas nerve runs a full length of your body it's attached to a bunch of different stuff and uh different circumstances within your body's regulatory systems can in some people uh affect the vasovigal nerve i'm real lucky i don't get the ones where like sometimes people go to poop and they just pass out from the strain that happens to be

people who have vaso-vegal responses. Mine are seemingly connected to whether I've eaten or whether there's like blood pressure things going on. But you'll just like pass out? Yeah, you'll just pass. You'll be like, hey, man, I'm going to go. And I'm good for like one every like two or three years. There's just something that triggers it.

I had a, I had a girlfriend in high school who showed up to school one day and she had a cut above her eye. And I was like, what the hell happened? And she did not want to tell me in finally about 30 minutes there. like no really what happened i'm worried she said i strained too hard when i pooped and i passed out okay yeah like there's mine is usually food poisoning related so like i will get that and usually what happens in that is that you know your blood rushes to the gut right so it's pulling it away from everything else so uh so when it does that i pass out i did this once driving i was like oh man

i got to get yeah so i had no but i had to pull over and you have to look to the person next you and you go hey man i'm gonna go for a minute and you you know don't don't be freaked out i will come too i will wake up i think uh so i guess you're lucky in that you know what it is and it's not just every time you watch space jab you pass out because that'd be a tragedy you'd be missing out on such quality work yeah the original is so good yeah um i don't have many memories of the lebron one i didn't think it was as bad as i think everyone else did but it's just not necessary it's just didn't need to do it probably yeah that's the thing with like remake of a remake like a shot by shot remake of an original is that you go doesn't seem particularly necessary

no also shot by shot that's a stretch because lebron can't make some of those shots anyways i would like to pick one now from reader jack uh went flounder gigging with my uncle over thanksgiving one year at the texas coast all the gigging is done at night because you use spotlights to see the fish. I've never gone flounder gigging as an aside, and I really would like to do this. The Texas intercoastal is scary as hell at night. My uncle's friend ran our boat full speed into a giant sandbar at 1 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning immediately after yelling, I know a shortcut. We spent the next five hours getting unstuck. It felt like death by the time we finally got back to the boat ramp. Celebrated Thanksgiving and a waterburger.

That's two for one. disaster and Thanksgiving disaster Damn. Damn. Both things that have happened, Spencer, is this a cousin? I have done both of these things. I have had Thanksgiving at a water burger when I covered the last, the last, before the series renewed

the last Texas, Texas A&M game. I had Thanksgiving at a waterburger. Do they do like a Thanksgiving burger of some kind since they are open on the day? They say happy Thanksgiving to you as they hand you your perfectly normal water burger through the window. Okay. Yeah. But which is great, which is great. They were

real nice you cried in the car i did cry in the car because you know you're like oh man covering this game sucks that is that is some felder like energy around like if you're at if you're like working on thanksgiving if that guy had to work on thanksgiving he would 100% just like at some point in the day just cry so respect yeah respect michael felder and i are the same worth it going to the game though because if you ever heard 50 000 people all die at once i what a noise what a sound what profound shock sadness and anger what a scene yeah got to see case McCoy have the game of his life I've got one that I think I'm the only one who could do go ahead my mother used to make a delicious cake with a clumsy name an orange chocolate chunk

bunk cake one year at Thanksgiving she brings the cake to the table And somebody asks her what it is. The wine was flowing. I'm gathering. It's an orange chocolate cunt cake, she says. I was 14 and had to pretend I didn't know why the adults were all laughing hard enough for tears. Also, never letting her forget that. First question I'm asking when we're planning, right?

Oh, you're bringing that cake? Weird, it's a Tuesday cake, but it's Thursday. Mm-hmm. You were the only one who could do that, so thank you for taking that burden off our shoulders. You are welcome. There's no Australians in this cast, so. I'm going to do a short one from Stefan, or Stefan, sorry.

Family fight over cranberry sauce, homemade and lumpy versus gel in a can, got so heated, two people took up smoking again. Fuck yeah, hell yeah. See, this is a great evoccur. short story and it helps out my local economy here in the triad so win win that's right light them up do north carolina well times are hard i need you to fire up i encourage you all to do it you will look real cool you look so dale would have done it that's right listen if if the person making the argument for smooth or a lumpy cranberry sauce one of them's burning a heater i'm siding

with the one burning a heater just seems like they got a little more authority they got a little more anger for sure that's the person who i'm like oh they're closer to snapping you should probably side with them they're arguing with the cigarette hanging out of their mouth barely moving their lips the lumpy's just better you've got real cranberries in it again these were all about something else like the people who are on the side of this argument who are arguing this ferociously there's years years of pent up anger behind this and it just so happened to flow up through the little magma duct that was lumpy cranberry versus gel cranberry versus can cranberry not that like because nobody cares this much about cranberry like it's just not

possible you can't be that passionate about it no but like if it was if it was karen and sharon and and one of them like wore the other one shirt when they were growing up without asking and ruined that one shirt it's finally coming to a head yeah did you remember when i remember which if you don't think you can carry a grudge for that long i know for a fact that my maternal grandmother carried a grudge for 63 years about what about a time when her son ate something off her plate in like 1957 wait didn't Didn't, do you have a long-running family feud involving somebody putting butter in peas? I do. I do. I do. And was this like a Christmas disaster? Yes. Yes. But there's a long-running feud about somebody adding butter to these. What's the problem there? The amount. The amount. It was. Like not enough? Well, it was more, I think it was more of an autonomy thing. I think it was more of an authority thing. Sovereignty. This is the word I'm looking for. Sovereignty is we should start calling it that. My dish, peas on stove.

I'm running the stove, right? I guarantee you Michael Felder would have stabbed someone's hand with a fork over this. They would have been pinned to the counter with a carving for it. Our Thanksgiving, my stove. That's what my mom, I think, is thinking. And the peas are on there and they are seasoned. They are good to go. Ant comes around, right?

which is brother's wife so not by blood and I think that's worse, right? By marriage, not by blood and comes over and puts, just go paste them with a fork puts the fork to the side so she doesn't double dip. I'm like, alright, it's fine.

Just a little invasive but that's fine. And then goes to the fridge, gets a stick of butter and then drops it in the fucking thing without asking anybody. Okay. Adding a whole stick to anything is a lot.

It's a sizable amount of peas. It was a... Like, you can strain it, but yikes. Yeah. Was this, by the way, yet another Middle Tennessee, East Tennessee clash? It was because she was from East Tennessee. My mom's from Middle Tennessee.

And she was like... Hill Jacks. Yeah. Come on, man. We got a few more here that we need to knock out. There's one more that's really. short that just gives me a lot of questions. Spencer, do you want to read Tyler's?

Grandmother with Alzheimer's poured herself a wine glass full of bourbon that led to me requiring surgery at a co-worker's kitchen table. This reads like a mad lib. Tyler, were you raised in the Old West? Was this in a saloon? What did the Alzheimer's have to do with the bourbon? Is there a firearm involved? It sounds like there's a firearm or a knife involved.

Listen, nobody in my family has ever needed dementia to pour themselves a wine glass full of bourbon. And I question whether there's a skill issue in play here. Yeah. Or was it grandmother that did the injuring? Was it grandmother that did the suturing? Maybe. Maybe.

Why was it the table? Why couldn't you go to the hospital? Was it that serious? I follow this up is what I'm saying. If you're hearing my voice, follow this up. I have so many questions. There's one other. Oh, no, there's several grievous injuries in here.

Okay, we got like, you guys want like, there's like four more? Let's do four more. I'll be here for six hours. Yeah, I will take the one from Hardy. Was out playing football in the yard before Thanksgiving dinner with my brother, who's nine years older and about six inches shorter than I am. Oh, that's, that's rough. Center of gravity, again.

That's when you're, when you're older brother. This is how Ryan gets Godfrey out the window. Yeah. After failing to tackle me on the third straight play, he decided to switch strategies and leg sweep me instead. Yes, big tree fall hard. Mm-hmm.

Broke my collarbone about five minutes before dinner was served. And my folks decided it was better to serve dinner to the entire family than to take one family member to the ER. Hail raw, go big red. I mean, kind of agree with that last part. This confirms everything I already think about Nebraska fans. Yeah. I do kind of agree about the family thing because you're like,

It's a broken collarbone. Let's eat. Let's eat. And then we'll go. Let's see. Yeah, I mean, I'm not, listen, if it were me with the broken collarbone, I would have told you to go ahead and go eat. Yeah. I would have. As a child? Yeah. I know, I'd be like, it's just a collarbone. I've done it. I would have, I would have said, yeah. My dad stole the kickball from his, so my dad grew up with three older sisters. And he stole their kickball when he was three years old. And they chased him down and tackled him. And when they tackled him.

And when they tackled him, he fell on a rock and broke his collarbone. He went the rest of the day. It was like middle of the night before they finally realized something was actually wrong. It took him to the hospital. He's probably, this kid would have been fine to eat. Yeah, younger me would not have known. I would not have known it was broken. I would just say, uh, it's fine.

It just, there's a weird pain. That's what I would have registered. It doesn't need alcohol. I'm okay. I got to go play. Yeah, I'm fine. Uh, I will read, uh, Corrie's here. I worked seven Black Fridays at Walmart.

bless you but most of those are you okay yeah as someone who worked every day before thanksgiving for six years at the fresh market solidarity brother but most of those were on thanksgiving since we opened thursday night my first black friday as a manager i was led into the secret cash office where the ladies running the cash deposit every year left literal drawers full of homemade treats and goodies for the managers since they know since they knew we worked long shifts of crowd control and needed to distress. I pick up a piece of what looked like fudge, which our newest cash office lady proudly said was her own creation and a new recipe. I immediately smelled rum. Being in my 20s, I said hell with it and took a bite. Yep, this fudge was 100

proof and she made a lot of it. We didn't have the heart to tell her she was getting all of management drunk and it quickly became the most popular treat in the office until our front end manager had one fudge too many and puked in a crowd of customers. She was written up for being tipsy on the job, but we never snitched on the cash office lady. Hell yeah. That cash office lady sounds like a known of for sure. Beautiful.

I will go ahead and take this one from Amanda. In November 2008, I got what was in hindsight, probably an early case of H1N1. I was sick as a dog. in any case, but was still required by management to go to my job at Chateau Alon. You may know Chateau Alon, by the way, from Fancy Georgia Hotel.

Also famous for Grape Lady. It was a scene of Grape Lady, the famous internet lady who falls off the platform and goes, that's Chateau Lawn. Fancy Georgia Wine Hotel Place. Yeah. To work the Kids Holiday Festival, the weekend before Thanksgiving,

infecting Lord knows how many children in the process. I was so sick in the days after that I couldn't travel from Athens back to Marietta for the holiday. So my mom came to Athens to make sure I wasn't going to die alone. Also, she hated cooking and hated my dad's mom even more. So the risk of swine flu was worth it to her to avoid both. By Thanksgiving, I began to recover. So we went out for lunch at the only place that was open and had space.

The cracker barrel. I have never been a small woman. But I remember feeling on the skinny side relative to me, as I put on an ampere waist dress to go out, having been deathly ill for a week. When we got to our table, the Cracker Barrel server, an older woman, immediately erupted in joy, asking me how far along I was. I cried in the car. Power waste is so dangerous, man. Two days later, still sick, I decided to attend the Georgia Georgia Tech game in Pissing Rain, where Georgia managed to blow an early lead, allowing 26 unanswered points in the third quarter to lose 45-42 at home. I was later treated for bronchitis, which is what swine flu turns into if you stand out.

in the wet and cold and yell ineffectually at your stupid fucking football team for four hours go dogs you don't have to be caocious cowshs those are solidarity barks solidarity arps one more one more for the road thiler we were all having thanksgiving at my great grandmother's house in the early 90s my cousin age 10 was being a little shit So his 13-year-old sister decided to beat his ass. This is where we take a turn. I'm so mad you claims this one. While she had him pinned on the ground, we can all enjoy it. While she had him pinned on the ground, a four-year-old girl wanders up with a seven iron and takes a full swing right into his cheekbone.

Four. Readers, it's right there in the name. readers we don't know where this girl came from or why she has a golf club or what happened to her after this we just have tyler's words he spent thanksgiving giving stitches my grandmother was loudly wondering if the four-year-old who wasn't even her grandchild was okay even though her grandson was still bleeding in the grass love you miss you grandma she left us this summer in her mid-90s This is my favorite Thanksgiving memory. Cousin Paul had it coming for years. Fuck you, Paul. I let the grandmother be like, did that hurt your wrist, honey?

Are you okay? Is she fine? That child, I love that there's a four-year-old who's like, fight, fight? Oh, I'm in. Let's go. Not here to lose. Grab to go.

Just picture of wandering into frame, maybe dragging. the club behind her like a paddle duck yeah you know how he walks only just want murder right they don't know shit in return of the jedi they're just like ah i just want to kill shit what it sounded like um if i'd been by the way if this cousin paul was exactly who you think they are in the family with the minute that this four-year-old winds up with seven iron is the best moment of your year i don't know how old time hurts but he says this is his best thanksgiving memory.

Man. I wish that for all of you this holiday season. Yeah. That you get your... I wish seven irons in the cheekbones of all your enemies. Get your preschooler with a golf club moment. That's what we want. We're thankful for preschoolers with golf clubs and bad intention.

And hey, if you're not seeing, if you're not seeing the seven iron and the cheekbones of your enemies, be that seven iron in the cheekbones of your enemies. True. true pay. God bless us everyone Eli, but especially this little girl. Could do a little podcast business here. Podcast business. What's that business?

Podcast business. It's a business. Podcast business. Toddler with a gun or a golf club and it's going to be a family memory and it'll be real precious. Unbelievable. Get into the Heismith trophy now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We would be remiss if we did not start things by reminding you that Black Friday's coming up.

Black Friday at the time when you as an American must spend, get out there and spend. And what better way to spend your money than with a quality American company headquartered in Indianapolis, Indiana? Home of the Champion. Crossroads of America, where you can go and meet fellow Americans and order yourself some quality American apparel from homefield apparel.com. Homefieldapparel.com. It's going to be 30% off on Black Friday on almost everything on the site. You have to use the code at Homefield 30 at Checkout. This is not a full cast specific code. Tell your friends, it did not first purchase only. It is for everyone because Homefield is for everyone. everyone with a sports affiliation that is although less we forget my dad's favorite piece of homefield apparel is still just like the plain charcoal homefield crew net yeah cozy comfy absolutely fantastic so many teams i like just an unbelievable array of teams from the SEC all the way down to 810 big east sunbelt i'm going to read a list of Toledo merchandise because it is max season it is max season hit with it this is one of those collections where I just, I have a problem that I want all of them.

Mm-hmm. I want the vintage shadow logo. I want the, I want the goal post logo that says rockets. I want the shirts with the actual rockets on them that say University Rockets of Toledo. I'm not a hat person because I have an enormous head that prevents most hats. I even want a hat. I want this UT hat. Yeah.

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30% off on almost everything on Black Friday. Homefield apparel.com. American, crack out that card and spend. Wear it head to toe and hit someone in the cheek with a seven iron right that's right if Indiana won't show as depending on the Indiana apparel too it might not even show blood that's my point that's what you're right you want to have to wash that shit out fight your cousin in the morning head straight into dinner at the afternoon no changing that's right walk up say tea time smack your cousin in the temple with a

seven iron four year old offer only homefield apparel dot com we got other stuff to tell you about here Now six is the newsletter, Holly and I write. It's outstanding. We give you two things a week, at least, at least during the football season and through the rest of the year for just $10 a month. We'll talk about all the important games, including, for example, UCLA's fake field goal, which I covered in the top, whatever, which is the column that does all of that for you that I publish with Holly on Mondays on the site.

I told a long story in that one. you're going to have to read it. It's like a full essay in itself about fucking up, fucking up. And when you can't get things right, because sometimes you just got to look at a team like UCLA and be like, hey man, it's going to get better or it'll be over with. Or it'll be different. Or it won't be right now. It won't be right now. Sometimes when you're fucking up, you just got to go to the next mistake. No matter what else happens, it won't be right now for very long. That's right. We do pregame chats. We provide other columns and articles during the week. We do. We do it all. We do it all.

Outstanding contact content delivered straight to your inbox. That's right. Channel dash 6.ghost.io. That is channel dash 6.ghost.io. Find it in either one of our bios on any of our social media platforms, $10 a month for two things a week. Subscribe. Ryan and Jason aren't here, but we love them anyway. They have business concerns of their own.

Ryan and Stephen Godfrey operate phantom island. Dot show where you can find all manner of audio content, including unlocked episodes of their excellent series from last year who killed college football that is phantom island dot show uh and jason kirk writes a free college football letter for the new york times because somebody over there has to be producing journalism that's worth a damn it is the until saturday newsletter you can just search for it the URL is long and confusing and we're not going to burden you with that because you've got enough to worry about this holiday week but check that out uh it is it is the home of the uh the gussied up watch grid which we have managed to survive the season on even though it is no longer ugly

and i would like to hear more at this time about michael ray server uh yes you can i will reiterate that you can support me by uh going to phantom island dot show uh because i produce that podcast for stephen goffrey and ryan nanny additionally you can listen to uh hand in the dirt a gardening podcast about football which sometimes we'll bring on holly and sometimes we'll bring on spencer for that matter um you'd have to listen to the episode to know uh when and how often that happens um we we drop new episodes every week uh they're very fun um fuck stephen hartsell michael filter's my best friend uh also killer ants is my band you can listen to us we have a z or a z depending on where in the world you are um our next show is december 20th in winston salem at gas hill which

is the small venue above the Ramcat. You can get tickets for that at the ramcot.com. Also, that show is going to be like an ugly sweater party type deal. I got a sweater with three possums howling out of moon that I'm going to wear. We will judge as the headlining band who has the ugliest and or most festive apparel and handout prizes at this show. These prizes will include things from Foothills Brewery and Winston Salem, who our guitarist works for, and also maybe some killer ant's merch like t-shirt, sticker, coozy, et cetera. And draft of luck, we'll be playing with us,

and they're also going to throw in a shirt as far as the prize pack. So dress real stupid. Come see us play stupid music and have a good time. I have one more thing to tantalize you guys with, which is that, as you know, throughout the year, we donate every nickel diamond dollar made from P.T. P-KU merchandise at our shop, the shutdown full store, available at pre-owned airboats.com. Every dollar we earn from PTKU, Protect TransKKS University, and their mascot,

the Fight and Blue Sharks, goes to support a different local or regional transport organization. From now through December 31st, all of that money is going to Trans-Ohio, the official ground transportation partner of the also imaginary Mid-South Airlines. uh trans ohio is ohio's first statewide trans equity organization they do a lot of good work for people in our community and elsewhere and brand new for black friday by the time you listen to this uh a last week on this will be the week and a half ago on after dark uh we had a slight adventure with the blue sharks mascot and the concept of a no fear shirt called no foot because sharks have fins.

Yes. Get it? Yeah. We've got some no footprints gear dropping in the shop for you. We'll be out by the time you hear this and available for purchase. You should buy it. You should buy our other merch, but even if you make a combined order of PTKU merch and non-PTKU merch, all of the PTKU money will be separated out from that and funneled away from us into the

worthy hands of the folks at trans Ohio. Thank you, as always, for your support. Trans rights or human rights, protect trans kids, and go Blue Sharks. I believe that concludes podcast business. Oh, man. Hey, that's right. This time.

We're talking about the books. We're going to look at the schedule. Wait, what? No. No, we're just a two hour and ten minute episode. All right, real quick. yeah every game's happening every game every rivalry game it's rivalry week it's rivalry week we don't have to go over these because we're well over the two hour mark all i need you to know is this ohio state plays that second football game of the year against the team that it's not per due

at noon on saturday ohio state michigan it's a lot out of the shit it'll be years it would have been funny for them to lose to michigan this is the most recent yes uh this is the most recent And where is it? Yes, it's in Michigan. It's going to be in Michigan this year. We're not going to be there. So it's possible the Wolverines may not have the juice for this one. But hey, you never know.

Ohio State certainly never does. Yeah. Additionally, of note beyond the field itself, the Egg Bowl is going to happen at noon on Friday, which is going to be 11 o'clock local. Because it's not violent enough. Yeah, because it's not violent and weird enough. if the stakes weren't already

strange enough, you're going to have Lane Kiffin after the game deciding where he's going to go and thus kicking off as disastrous an avalanche of job openings and closings, firings, and

resignings and hirings as we've ever seen because so much depends, as an episode of Phantom Island recently told me, on the whims of one former USC coach. That's what's happening on Friday.

I think everyone's going to make the right decision for their program long term, and it's all going to work out. The guy you got may not have been first choice, but I think you're going to find in the long run, your program's going to come out ahead. Ahead of what? Never mind.

Yeah. Those are the two points of note. Everything else. Everything else is a tussle and a hollering, and you're familiar. That's right. Your rival doesn't deserve the game. No one's giving your team enough credit.

And I think you should mention that in the pregame speech.