Shutdown Fullcast - The 2018-19 Championship Conference Call

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

That's right, it's the MIDGAME SHUTDOWN CONFERENCE FULLCALL! Featuring: - Special guests Pablo Torre and Bomani Jones - The audio just totally fucking dying pretty early on and poor Pablo wondering what he's been duped into - Delayed reactions to some of the football action because streaming - Snake governments and strip club franchising and casting the movie of this game - About as much football talk as you'd expect Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Okay, you can do this. I know, I know. Carvana makes it so convenient to sell your car. It's just hard to let go. My car and I have been through so much together. But look, you already have a great offer from Carvana. That was fast. Well, I know my license played and VIN by heart, and those questions were easy. You're almost there.

Now to just accept the offer and schedule a pickup or drop off. How'd you do it? How were you so strong in letting go of your car? Well, I already made up my mind, and Carvana's so easy. Yeah, true. And sold. Go to Carvana.com to sell your car the convenient way. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast, live conference call.

That's right. What other podcasts could actually improve its audio quality by switching to a live conference call protocol during the national title game? That's right, us. That's right. I'm Spencer Hall. We're going to be joined here by, you know, a cavalcade of characters, but the usual's as well.

Brought! Brought to you in stunning 28.8 Fodd. This Alabama is in Trial. Currently down. By the store of 31-16, not 17. You guess what? Your favorite. You're going to get a sued.

You're going to get a sued. an extra point because I'm an Alabama kicker. Yeah, they're down 31 16, which everyone called, because that's what everyone thought would happen in this game. This is slightly stunning so far. Like I say that legitimately, but it's really about, like, two turnovers? It's two turnovers. Yeah, but wait, you have to say like what, because if you said there were going to be two turnovers in the first half of this game, I would have said, okay, maybe there's like a ball that gets tipped at the line or a weird fumble or somebody drops a punt. I wouldn't have thought like, oh, dude, very ill-advised two-a-throats.

I wouldn't have said, yep, that's how that'll happen. I watch football. Those were big dog IMPs, though, man. Jacori Harris loves the authoritative quality of these I&Ts. No, yeah, no, they were, listen, they were 100% certain I-NTs. They were on the money. You get a silk ascot. That's what you get.

The Jacori Harris line. Paul, that's why I don't think we should put Galen Hertz in, frankly. Because you know what? He's hitting them right in the hands. Right in the hands. Every single time. Ball's exactly where it's supposed to be. We're also taking some questions from y'all in the Q&A.

And I'm going to go ahead and give some of those. This one I think is for Holly. Holly, this one comes from Jim, G. G.Y.M. Harbaugh. Nick Saban is coaching for his job, true or false? You know, I think it's fair to ask at this point whether Sabin's a man for this job, Ryan. Is he too complacent? Is he too satisfied with what he already has?

Is he too happy? Is he too busy thinking about how this game is costing him recruiting? Can you see every lost Karaba's dinner in his beady little lives? Do you think he's lost confidence because the New York Giants aren't reaching out to him again this year? Does we have Little Giants Does it have Mercedes-Benz dealership numbers on his brain?

Oh. If they've sold enough, you know, if they've sold enough luxury vans. Because remember, you can buy the Nick Saban luxury van at any Nick Saban dealership. All right? There's a custom van that you can buy.

It's like 10 of them made. And it includes, among other things, I think, like custom decorating cues given to the design team by Nick Saban himself. Can I talk about something before this gets entirely off the rails because I feel like it's time to bring up my very favorite thing about the fact that Bama can't kick? All right.

God, you're such an ungenerous improv partner. You know how you say all right and? All right, and. I'm fucking kind of yes and asshole. I assume that was also Spencer responding to his wedding vows. Do you, Spencer, take, yeah, all right, all right. Yeah, all right. My favorite thing about your wedding is that your wedding, China, is leopard print.

It is leopard print. I'm absolutely not making this up. We have never told a joke on this podcast. Spencer's married to Shaka Khan. People don't know that. Happily, sir, happily. The thing that I wanted to say about Bama kicking, and I feel like I've brought this up before, because goodness, have we been in this situation more than once? But the thing that I love about Bama's kicking woes when it happens is that kicking is, you know, football is a complicated thing, complicated game with many variables, with many moving parts.

And kicking is the game aspect with the fewest variables, and therefore the aspect of the game over which, in theory, Nick Saving can exert the most amount of. control and he can't he absolutely can't i haven't about why that is it's too simple for him right he can't get in here and go okay well listen we're going to line up in a three right you can't out hustle you can't out hustle like 37 other teams on your way to i just put him in the NFL again by accident and misidentified the number of teams do not at me uh send your complaints to 38 godfrey appearing on this conference call because it's for professionals you can't out hustle one swing of a kid's leg against the wind and you can see that little frisanna panic in his little squirrel eyes every time somebody tries and it's beautiful man it's just

beautiful yeah if you go and find the alabama crimson tides 2008 defense playbook it's 430 pages long you know what the playbook is for a kicker it's a sheet it's a pamphlet maybe maybe maybe maybe that's a problem maybe need to mix the play call up a little bit Nick Saban's 948 Maybe we need to let the kicker get out there and read the coverage I think one problem might be do you know how many stars the number one kicker has in the 2019 class he is a Bama signing by the way three three star boy

ram away boy barely even a football player wait wait why why are they not just taking some why are they not just taking some other five star and say, I'm like, all right, you ever want to play wide receiver? You better learn how to kick for a year first. I mean, that's probably why the kickers feel so bad and have such low self-esteem at Bama. They're like, I'm like the poor boy at the rich boy school. They'll never measure up.

Only in here by this team of my teeth. Please talk like this for the rest of the night. No, no. Casio Dog, take those old records off the shelf. No. Casio Dog, take those old records off the shelf. I like that Spencer's describing. Bama kickers as if they're like Harvard Legacy

something. Don't even pippin. Some tiny little like Oliver Twist type character who's like, Lisa, I haven't enough off this carino. Everybody's like,

you'll never make it here at Bama. And they just basically take that to heart. This is the most unheartwarming story ever that the small upstart recruit actually fails on the big stage, right? Aw. Aw. We're going to fail it on the big stage.

Alabama, the Alabama Crimson Town. Yeah, that and failing on the big stage. I'm also looking at Imagine Dragons right now. Which I just saw them. No, no, you said Big Stage. I saw them and I just heard Light him up, which I know is not Imagine Dragons. I mostly like that ESPN did not even technically invite Imagine Dragons

to the National Championship game. They're like, hey, you really want you guys to play. Cool. Really excited to play Levi Stadium. well, we were thinking more of a kids' table event? The Treasure Island, which is where the imagine... Which I thought was in Orlando. It's actually slightly closer than Orlando.

Having them at Treasure Island in Orlando would only be a little bit more out of the land in this thing. It's like on the complete other side of the bay, on an island that Richard Johnson put together... On an island like Etienne or on an actual island? It looks like this island was just, like, created, like, Sim City style, and there are radioactive contamination concerns. There are what contamination concerns? Radioactive! It's no, it's a great deal. I'm so sorry.

Radioactive contamination of the Treasure Island Naval Station, where San Francisco plans to build a high-rise community for 20,000 residents, is more widespread than previously disclosed, according to the U.S. Navy. This is where we put our halftime show. That's where we put Imagine Dragons. Because you know what? You got to keep excitement like that away from all the mill managers of the world. You got to contain that. You've got to contain it, you got to put it way out from the bay where, you know, the Steve Bulmers of the world can't get hyped to whatever they're going to, whatever it takes.

Let me ask you a question. You meet a stranger at a, like, a nice dinner party. And you say, oh, what do you do for a living? And they say, oh, I am in Imagine Dragons. I think we've been talking for like four minutes and nobody can hear us. I think on the phone version, they can't hear us. But if you're still, I don't know. If you're in the Q&A, drop us a note if you can hear us there.

And if you can't, I mean, what did people expect from this podcast? You know what I mean? We made it five minutes. That's still pretty good. We did, great. But if you were at, if you're at a party and you meet somebody and they say, I'm in Imagine Dragons. How do you go about proving or disproving this argument?

I couldn't. And, you know, like, that's the other thing. It's what happens when you ask somebody, hey, man, you know, like, what music do you listen to? And they're like, you know, I'm really into Imagine Dragons. Like, what's a good thing we're recording this? Yeah. What do you say to that? How do you react?

People say they can hear us. How dare you? hear us okay okay we have differing reports on whether the audio looks or not i think it's the phone version um also i it sounds like we we may have somebody else joining us momentarily a pablo from the new york office oh okay yeah so i'm really hoping to get his thoughts on these on these quarterly reports oh good oh now it did go Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello? Hello? Hi, hi. Hello, hello. Hi, who we got on?

Ah, it's Pablo. Pablo. All right, Pablo. I promise on Twitter that you could say the cusses that you wanted to say. So, do you have any? Putang you no more. There, that's all we were... That's your mother is a whore in Tagalog.

which is the primary dialect of the Philippines. See, you know, people say that sports isn't educational and that it's not about academics first, but I think we're proving them wrong right now. I mean, as I'm giving you a little cross-cultural dialogue, I am also watching on mute, the dude from Imagine Dragons just gyrate generally around but appears to be Lil Wayne dressed

as some sort of Dennis Rodman character, which is as cross-cultural as anything. think. It's good. I like to imagine that they're doing sort of like a Dennis, a like Demolition Man remake, but with not no budget, just budget applied to the wrong places. And I just want to clarify for the record, when this is inevitably aggregated, that was a compliment to my employer. That's it. And now people have to print that too, because that's how journalism

works. Yes, it is. By the way, I don't know how conference calls work, I'm glad this is happening. I feel like I was kind of sitting there and silence awkwardly, just hearing vague clicking. And I feel like that may have been my cue to go. And I just totally missed it for about 20 seconds and so. No, you did the right. So for context, since you may not know, this podcast is haunted by a powerful ghost who will never be. This is a podcast?

Yeah. I mean, I mean, I use that in the loosest sense of the word, you know, where like if. If a child pulled up to you with a wagon tied to their bicycle and was like, hey, mister, it's my taxi. You would play along and sort of, oh, wow, look at you. Oh, gosh, where are you going to take me? But you wouldn't actually get in. Unfortunately, you got in the wagon. Ryan, you've gotten so big.

You're very handsome now. That's, you know what? This whole podcast, all the years of it, just a ruse to get you. to call me handsome just once and it finally paid off tonight you you are my handsome and definitely podcasting boy i feel like that took a turn there um so what do what did you think of the first half of the game uh does adam driver but on like a christian bail kind of diet does he play Trevor Lawrence or does someone else uh I can't prove it I can't I mean you're I figured you had the sort of like inside information on there so

Yeah, no, I just feel like when the movie of this game is made, I just, I just, I, I thought I've had Christian Bail on the brain. I feel like, I feel like, I feel like, I feel like Clemson's quarterback could be played plausibly by Adam Driver after some sort of like really extreme diet that a sort of Christian Bale does. So that was my main thought. Yeah, or we could maybe do the like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, like the looper thing, that kind of level of makeup. I could see that working. Did you like Joseph Gordon Levitt's Bruce Willis' prosthetic

in Looper? Did that pass muster for you? If, if, here's what I think. If you had never seen Joseph Gordon Levitt in anything else, you didn't even know who he was, it would have worked. But if you knew that he existed and you knew that he had a Joseph Gordon Levitt face, you were like, what are we guys, what are we doing here? I completely agree. It was a little insulting, honestly.

It was, you know what? It was a choice, and that's all right. It's like most haven't, yeah. I'm going to go, and I'm, an uncomfortably tanned, uh, Steve Yoon for Tua. Uh-huh. I just want to claim Tua as part of officially the pan-Asian diaspora. I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know if that's really. really been out there in the discourse as much as I'd like. So I'm going to go, I'm going to go with, yeah, Glenn from the Walking Dead, Steve You and fantastic actor. Again, uncomfortably tanned, probably what they're going to do to Aladdin in the forthcoming live action movie. Again, for my employers and for aggregation, that was also a compliment. Gosh, I don't know why they cast. And then they cast Will Smith as dabbo. That seemed like a mistake. That seemed like a force. No, but see, it's, it's going to be a, it's misleading. It's going to a CGI Wilsmith playing Davo.

It's not going to be Mendo Will Smith. They're going to CGI them up at dabbo. I know the early photography that you probably saw was a little misleading, but that was just for EW. They're going to see them up into being full-on Davos winning. Sure. It's going to be a Polar Express, Davo, which, hey, just picture that before you lay your head down tonight.

It's going to be great. It's going to be fine. Hey, why are you not on one of these side hustle broadcasts? What do you have to do to get on, you know, the high noon? What do we have to do to get the high noon broadcast next year? So I feel like I was at the game last year. I was luckily at the game last year not doing anything for really ESPN. I was doing work for an unnamed telecommunications company whose relationship with me has seemingly ended since then.

So I'm not going to give them any more free advertising on my end. But anyway, I was watching, I was watching from the game on my phone what seemed to be, what was that? I think that was Holly and Spencer. Oh, yeah, that's good. We fell on. I was like, if this is, if this is just like an animal attack happened, I didn't know if that was like, I didn't know if that was a soundboard or a literal. No, it's, you remember how, like, peewee would have the word of the day and people would just shout? we do the same thing, but with squirrels.

We release 500 squirrels. By the way, peewee is on Netflix. I've heard this. Does it hold up? Yeah. Okay. It's so, it actually holds up a lot better than I ever thought. It ever did in the first place.

Like I did not, I watched it as a child, not understanding truly much of the, I think, obvious, like, adult, we're all on drugs. Let's just. kind of vibe that was going on. And now I realized just they leaned into it fully from day one, and it's kind of amazing. Hey, hey, just to catch Holly and Spencer up,

we've talked about Looper, and now we're talking about... Oh, you could hear you the entire time, and we're talking back to you, unaware that you couldn't hear us. It was great. We were dropping bombs. Oh. I would like to thank alert reader, Amy, for letting me know that none of us could be heard.

Oh, yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's completely on brand. I love you guys. We're going to graduate. We're never going to together again. Well, I had, I was having a really great conversation with Ryan for whatever that's worth. Oh, we heard. You just couldn't hear.

Although there was the like two minutes where you were just saying hello into nothing, which I think. No, that was so, I am so excited to hear what this thing ends up sounding like. No, that was Pablo, that was Pablo Smith drop. Yeah. And then he said, I'll bring the woodwinds in, and here comes Ryan, our mighty oboe. We have several requests on Twitter. Please don't edit this in the report. Don't worry about that.

And from John Shaw, put four minutes of Ryan clicking into the looom. I wanted to go ahead and suggest Blake lively for the role of Trevor Lawrence. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. She would do it too well. Yeah. Tilda might be Trevor Lawrence right now. No, you want to keep Tilda for Saban, don't you?

Oh. No, she's too tall. They're going to have to put her through like reverse gap. They're going to have that thing in the Hobbit where they have like, you know, tilt shift sort of perspective. Oh, Tilda shift. Tilt a shift. Have we discussed boomhauer as Trevor Lawrence? Reader, we have not.

Have we discussed Andy's circus as Nick Saban? Oh, boy. Yeah, they can make him any size. Yeah, but you all see when Dabo and Nick were separating at midfield at pregame and Dabo reached back and did like the buddy arm clap and Sabin reached back and totally whiffed. Like you might see. Oh, can I, can I admit something real quick? Yeah. So the first time I ever.

did first take was the first time I ever met Stephen A. Smith, we're sitting across at this death. There's a longer story here that I'll spare. But anyway, it still happens that he and Bumani execute a very casual and successful Dap. And I just whiff. Just totally whiff. It was bad. I was shaking. Hold out the potato, right? Like just hold out the fist and then kind of cover it. badly? There's actually, it's on Twitter somewhere, but someone, I thought, I thought that no one had caught it. Uh, and then someone sent me a video and it's worse than I thought. I like my face, my face, it's just, it's just the face of a man who failed to execute once again a cross-cultural exchange. Oh. I'm so proud of you. I'm, hey, listen, the, listen, the

important thing is you're not a podcaster well i feel like this we shouldn't really count our chickens yet right like we feel like it's going to happen i mean you're a podcaster now but you can hardly be held blamed for that no that's like that's like taking kids to prison for scared straight and saying they're quote prisoners like we live here he's just visiting are you the dude are you the dude who ends up in jail for like the random DUI or like like the warrant they didn't know for not having paid like a speeding ticket, right? Like you get it in and we're all like, yeah, armed robbery. Pablo's like, yeah, I don't know.

Like there was a clerical error or something. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I had a 1099 issue, I think. That was really confusing. Sorry. But yeah, I now live in prison with you. It should have been civil court only. I'm very confused by this.

But here we are. Oh, well. wait so Ryan was going to be a lawyer Pablo's parents I'm sure are still holding out hope that he goes to medical school Jason did your parents have asked for you that you fell short of by falling into a podcast gulch probably like youth pastor or something like that oh yeah they've got to feel extra studying watching watching dabbo do you think dabbo's mom is mad that he doesn't teach Sunday school yes how do we know he doesn't we don't actually that's fair Yeah, my parents had no expectations for me,

other than constantly, like, being amazed that I got to the next grade. That was about it. Yeah, I did not join the family business, and I'm not a nuclear chemist, so I'm also a failure in that respect as well. Spencer made it to level four of Marvel Madness. They were like, and there it rolls out onto the bus. There it goes. We just had, okay, somebody, Amy, it's Amy,

Amy, man, why are you got to do me like that? She said she's going to mute us if the Fansville finale commercial comes on. If this finale involves Larry Culpepper, I'm putting a fucking foot through the screen. Okay, Pablo, you need to be brought up to speed on a story that you may or may not know about Larry Colpepper. You're familiar

with this horrible creation of the ad industry, right? I'm going to demand that you explain it to me. So Larry Colpepper was this kind of creepy dude who wore coat shorts in these Dr. Pepper

commercials and he made all sorts of really mundane claims like I invented the college football playoff. You know,

like, like if you left Steve Spurrier's husk in hot dog water for six months and then fished it out and put it in

a Dr. Pepper uniform. Yeah. And the ad agency all along would claim, you know, oh man,

this beloved character, right? Just college football fans can't get enough of him. To be clear, this is the ad agency that made all of Dr. Pepper's other ads, so I see where they went wrong. Yeah. So he sort of became like rabidly hated by college football fans online just for being himself

and for being- I think I proposed a game show a couple years ago that was like, let's hunt and kill Larry Culpepper. Well, I mean, the thing was is that with the character and the way they made him dressed, they went, went just a little too close to can't be allowed within 500 yards in elementary school. Yeah, those knee socks were, yeah. The knee socks and it just, it made him look like, yeah, it made it, it was bad. So I thought, okay, this is really bad. And then we went to the title game one year and the dude was there. Like they had like the real, the actual guy. Yeah, but he was in costume. He had like his belt, his waist belt with Dr. Pepper in it. This was at Dallas, right? This was at the first playoff championship. No, I think this, I think this was in Arizona. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, he rolls out in real life and they have the PR flack in front of him, like going, hey, you guys want to talk to Larry Colpepper. But they're doing this at Radio Row.

So it's like, hey, you know, famous radio guest, Larry Colpepper. And it was like they'd turned someone with plague loose in the crowd. But you could see people doing everything from edging away to openly pointing and laughing. Except, except who gave him the time of day and who had him. him on his radio show at the time. Go ahead, Spragty. Brady Hoke. That's right.

Brian, you want to tell you? Yeah, you want to bring us a little bit of that, a little bit of that interview here? I love, I love you, I love you, sweet Dr. Pepper, Santa Claus. Thank you. I like that in every invitation, Ryan, does. They're complete imbeciles. There's no imitation of yours where the character can feed itself successful for more than a day or two scabbages.

Embeciles who are about to pass out. Yeah. Wait. Shut down full cash. I knew that already. So just quick, quick question then. What ended with, how did the Larry Culpeper saga end? or what happened to him?

So there's been this year-long series of Dr. Pepper commercials that is frankly so well done that I was astonished to discover they were Dr. Pepper commercials. But they've been teasing the finale of this Friday Night Lights-type series of Dr. Pepper as they've been running tonight. And I have this horrible, creeping feeling that his dumb fucking face is going to show up again

because it's Dr. Pepper and you're never really safe. So we have a good tweet from, subscriber Javier Garcia, when Larry Culpepper came to the Iowa City HIV, the store managers stood around him like they were his security details.

Like his ring of honor? Like Larry Culpeper's Pretorian Guard? Oh my God, that's what's going to happen. It's going to turn out that like Saddam, he has body doubles and we killed several of those. I just like that this man goes on a listening tour of the country. That's great. He's running 2020. You'll see.

He's running, clearly. Oh, God. If that were... Oh, my... Larry Culpeper... No, I can't say that out loud. Shit. No. Larry Culpepper has hired Frank Lunt and everything is happening. Larry Culpepper's out here blowing out Lincoln Chafee by a percentage point. Well, I mean, we could do that. I enjoyed people whose names you cannot remember in faces. Like Lincoln, Chafee, perfectly forgettable human days. But he already looks like he's, like, he looks like he's been in the Hall of Presidents for 20 years,

and his face wax is starting to peel. Like, a guy currently playing on Alabama's offensive line right now is 22-year-old Lester Cotton, Sr. Lester Cotton, Sr. That man is a deacon. That dude is already a rock and color of his community. He is three days to retirement. He's got attention. He's been working for the electric company.

I'll laugh if I look this up, and Lester Cotton Sr. is actually just a really agile, 54-year-old. Yeah. Like, that's probably possible. They'd be like, he's four stars for where. He'd be five stars otherwise. But, yeah, like, Lester Cotton, Sr.,

that's an amazing name. Lincoln, Chafee, instantly forgettable. Oh, oh, oh, we almost said it. Oh, hey, the game's been back on for five minutes, which no one. He said professional. It's fine. It's fine. This is a college football podcast. We're fine. We're doing great. Also, we can't actually tell you what's happening because then we get FCCed.

I'm ready for Canada. But I feel like, I do feel like the government shutdown prevents any FCC enforcement, though. So maybe we're good. Oh, that's why they call us the shutdown forecast. Oh, we thrive in chaos. I did ask our listeners if they think Larry Cole Pepper is, dead. These are live results right now. Thirty-nine percent, yupp. Sixty-one percent, nope. So, yeah. Resultive. Inconclusive. He's coming back. You got to cut the head off. Everybody

knows that. Pablo, have you been to this stadium or this area of this area of the world, Santa Clara, California? You know what? I have not. I am woefully unfamiliar. familiar with the environs of that. No, you're blissfully. Again, that definitely wonderful choice for a stadium. I know, Pablo, you wouldn't have heard this if you have a job

and real things to do, but people who listened to our last episode will recall me screaming about how the architecture at Levi's Stadium is both way too big and way too small for this title game. And we got a pregame message from listener Jim who says, here at Levi's and forgot

just how vertical the stadium is, feel like I'm going to fall off the face of the stands. It's massive, but inside it's like straight up and down, like it's a fucking quidditch venue. And so I don't feel like everything else is really far away, but also like you're really just crammed in. It's an... Right, right. If it had been intentional, it would have been amazing. Right. So there's just a constant sense of vertigo that you're suffering at all time.

Yes. They also sell a $17 brisket sandwich. This is one of the things that I was bitching about one of the many things that I was bitching about pregame, which is we've landed

in just about the only stadium in the Pac-12 footprint that has shitty food. Yeah, the only one. We could have played this at Stanford and had delicious garlic fries. We could have played this at Oregon and had that delicious cedar plank salmon

that they sell up there because we're all bears at heart. But no, no, we're watching Joel Anderson bless his heart. eat a $17 brisket sandwich in the middle of ass nowhere, California.

Oh, but you know, Northern California brisket, that's the one you want. If you got a stadium, you want natural beauty at the edge of the stadium. You want it right up in the frame, Rose Bowl, just the gorgeous San Gabriel's behind it. If you get Husky Stadium,

if you go up to like Washington, you have Oh, the water and the boats and the romance of the stadium. Even if you go out to like the mountain west, you get like BYU, where the WaySatch Range is sitting around there. I mean, I'm going to take heat from Colorado fans for this, but I will forever claim that the best stadium view in the country is at Utah State and Logan. Yeah, just gorgeous mountains, right? And then in Santa Clara, you get a view of a goddamn Old Navy. Just a there. No, it's like you're playing inside an old Navy, an outlet old Navy.

You don't even get a Levi's. You get the old maybe. Yeah. Yeah, Levi's response, you get the lower end brand outside, along with, according to people who are tweeting at me, streams of commuters wondering what was going on in the stadium. Hey, are they giving away, are they giving away burrito bowls or what's going on? Should I line up for this? Yeah, is that, is that a disruptive event?

I need to go to a disruptive event. Oh, for a minute there, we were at 1906 attendees in honor of the earthquake. Great job. Jesus. Wow. We can't. Who's offended by that? We can't bring you anywhere.

Who's getting burnt over a 1906 earthquake reference? Do you think there's a 140-year-old person listening to this? Like somebody's a knob building. Yeah. What are we actually thinking? the insult here is ha ha your building was made of stucco uh yeah because vampires would be 140 years old and this is how they would punish themselves for whatever sins they committed in life oh bam is about to kick oh wait wait wait come on we're all going to let's let's look

Brian has that have they already kicked for you were oh it's a four oh yeah Georgia they learned it from watching you. Alabama head coach Wow. Well, he ain't called. Christian Bale thanked Satan at the Golden Globes. It has all been downhill from their

clubbed out. The best Alabama crowd shots are when they find somebody who is straight out of central casting from O'Brotherwear ArtVow. Like that's the, like, they, I know they scout, they're like, let's find the longest neck in the crowd and the biggest ears. But that's Davo.

That would be Gabbo. But Davos in the sweatshirt, so you do not want to... Wargobargle, bripple, dribble-dibble. We should have... Speaking of earthquakes, by the way, and speaking of Pacific Northwest, you guys have all read that New Yorker story about the odds of that, like, super

tsunami that's going to hit the Pacific Northwest like in the next 50 years or so. Yeah. Yeah. I can't talk about college football. What's the fuck we talked about to New York before? Hey, caller, boat. There's an earthquake

that's going to create a tsunami and it's going to destroy like Seattle, man. Nobody worried about no Seattle. Yeah, the Cowboys destroyed Seattle. They don't even have a basketball team. Tom Herman Fan 76, you're on the

What are I going to do with him? Like, how am I supposed to make peace with this? I asked Steve about it because Steve's hated every Tennessee coach that's ever existed. I just don't know how you do it when you like your team and hates your coach. When he figures it out, let me know. Yeah, like he's, I think Johnny Major's on. He's hated every coach Tennessee has ever had, including the ones he played for. And I only like Johnny Majors because he's a drunk, so that doesn't even count.

Yes, yes. Eddie hates Philophobor too, right? His unrelenting hatred of the man who took his job is one of the most underrated hilarities of like the last 30 years. I respect, on a clinical level, I respect this pettiness and this commitment, this decades-long commitment to pettiness. Well, listen, I mean, seats are cheap on the UNC football bandwagon if you want to get on now.

Oh, yeah. Fedora was used by name in their recruiting propaganda. but at least that's when they weren't bad. Wait. Now I'd have to send the story. Oh, no, wait. I don't know this story. Here you can rewind.

Somebody sent me a picture of this where, like, they send out, like, postcards and stuff to recruits and they'd like to play up, like, all the media attention you can get. And they were, like, UNC, alum, Pomani Jones. I'm like, dude, I flunked out of grad school. Like, let's not overstate what I mean to this place and what this place means for me. Spencer, have you ever been used in Georgia Tech literature? Oh, no. It would explain some things.

No, no, no. Maybe in that article of how they were trying to sustain a rat brain and a petri dish. That would be it. Which, by the way, they were trying to do when I was there. That was like the legend. They were like, you'd go by this building at tech. And you're like, oh, man, I bet this is going to be a fun educational experience. Somebody would go, that's the building where they're trying to keep rat brains alive in petri dishes and have them talked to computers.

That was trying to turn lead to gold. Never forget that. Have I ever, have I told y'all, I forget on this program, the story of the monkey gym at South Alabama or the monkey lab? Oh, yeah. I don't know if you've told them on the show, but you should. This is when I was, uh, wait, wait, what did Alabama try to do? Not this is South Alabama. Oh, this is the, this is Joey Jones.

USA! No, I just saw the replay of that fake field goal. I'm sorry, I didn't know that it happened. Oh, wait. So, yeah, the monkey gym was not an elaborate and problematic metaphor for this football game. No, no, I was sitting on the steps with Joey Jones, who was the first football coach at South Alabama, Pablo, and I was, and he was explaining to me that, yeah, when we first started the program here, we practiced, I had heard several players refer to their first weight room as the monkey lab. And I asked the coach, I was like, why did they call it the monkey lab? And he's like, oh, we took over an old animal testing facility that they used to test monkeys in.

I'm like, oh, okay. So, like, their first winery room on campus because they didn't have space was just this old disused science lab that was haunted with however many thousands of dead animal spirits. Y'all should pay attention to the game real quick here since I'm a little ahead of you. Man, they ought to bring that Clemson fan.

They ought to bring that Clemson fan who streaked in the first quarter because they'd at least caught that guy, Bamma. I think we had to four Clemsonsons. Yeah. No. By the way, are we considering that Notre Dame might have just been merely good, not awful? Like, they might have been, no?

Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. So Clemson is one touchdown away from having a bigger lead on Bama than they had on Clemson. Is that math right? Something like that. getting close to that. By the way, I didn't realize that there were like strangers on this call

until I looked at my mentions and somebody said something about like 2,000 people being on mute. I might have approached my entrance. Like these other people involved. What can you claim? Wow. I actually have no idea who's on this call. I'm just doing a lot of guesses.

I know we got Spencer. I heard Pablo because I've worked. with them every day. I've deduced that that was highly. And then the rest of y'all, I don't know who is this. Mystery. Yeah, we got, yeah, we got Ryan and we got Jason. And, you know, by the way, you're not in work, so we invited Pablo, so you can be at work again. Congratulations. Okay. We got the Ocho. We're the Ocho. Yeah, these are real, these are billable hours. My problem is that I only know Ryan is Prince Akeem. I never met the man in real life or nothing like that, you know? Basically the same. Uh-huh. Okay.

he does in real life Ryan looks like one of three or four gangsters who was killed holding a Tommy gun and having a really short time like holding it backwards I didn't say you were one of the good ganges hey how's this work are we having fun yet oh no

that's okay you couldn't look like Dwight Shrewd like when the beard's not here I look like I look like Dwight Shrewd underneath this and Jason as we have established is the spitting image of LSU quarterback Joe Burrow so we're all friends now Wow. Someone knows what Joe Barrow looks like.

That's amazing. It looks like Jason. It looks great. It's how he looks. That ain't fair. Bird-like, beautiful, noted offensive threat, Joe Burrow. Excuse me. So.

Hey, man. The Zach Markberger ain't walking in that door. You know? He would like to be clear. He would like to. He needs something to do. Was he banned from there? Like he was banned from Paldosta?

Isn't he banned from Statesboro? Banned from Valdosta. I will never forget it. I feel like I'm banned from Valdosta. I guess for different reasons. You know what? The King Frog outlet accepts everyone, okay? No matter race, free, color, faith, whatever.

The King Frog outlet is ready for everybody. The rest of Valdosta, I don't know. But if you want, 75, 75 sides of Atlanta, I want no parts up. None. To the rest of the ocean. No part. No stuckies in your future. Oh, God.

And I've done them all, I've done 95 all the way through Georgia. I've done 75. 75 is way spookier than 95 crossing that Florida line. Yeah. It's longer. Did I tell you, one time I went on a really stupid trip in the middle of the night from Gainesville up Val d'Aosta and I'm like our car broke down on something called and I am not kidding you snake nation road it was two in the morning and a car broke down on snake

nation road and I thought I was gonna die what kind of snakes though the big ones okay all of them but on snake nation with a with a I got you oh I was gonna say snake nation they have like a constitution and everything like a bunch of snakes grew up a document? I would not rule it out. I wouldn't. I'm sure they have their own way of doing things down at Snake Nation. But we heard a couple of very large pickup trucks

roaring down the road and all hit the, like, all hit the drainage ditch, which was like two and a half feet deep without regret. Just like whatever's in here is better than that. How is that not a bowl sponsor bite now? How is there not like, you know, just a whole bunch of snakes?

The Cure Bowl presented by Snake Nation. I mean, tell me that doesn't sound like a future sponsor of the Independence Boat. Yeah, yeah. Snake Nation never paid the bill, but they got the deal anyway. Nate Nation is the city council in three for it. Come on. The Independence Bowls was sponsored by a weed eater. We cannot forget that.

And the duck, the duck bros, the duck commander. That's right. That's right. And the Independence Bowl also ended the career of Donge Page Moss of North Carolina who at the end of that miserable year where Butchie got fired just basically quit in the hotel before the Independence Bowl. It was snowing down there and with Shreveport. And he just went on a Twitter rant. That's the last I ever heard of him. Oh, God, there for that game.

I forgot about that. He just said, I'd had enough. I can't take this no more. Like, bad enough, you've got to be in Shreveport and then it snows. Are you kidding me? I don't blame him. Like, on the list of quits, like, in all time in sports, like Barry Sanders, I get it. I completely get it, right?

He was like, I've taken this lion's life as far as I can. Bye. And everyone's like, oh, no, I get that. If you go to Shreveport and it's snowing for your bowl game, bye. Done. Out. Send me home. Whatever it takes, send me.

Have I, okay, I've told the story of I don't want to play football, right? He reminds me of that kid. Yeah, no. There is this if Pablo, well, no, all my stories are new to Pablo. This is why we like having Pablo. They are. Pablo, when my baby brother was playing football, when he was in like, whatever the 10-year-old football division is, there is this kid on the team who was, Josh was the center.

My brother was a center because he's the only one who could read at the time. And whoever was playing next time on the line, every time they lined up to snap would turn to snap his head sideways to his mom in the stands and scream I don't want to play football! Like right before the ball snapped. And then it was like that one where you could

just see it reflected in the eyes of some of these college kids and I don't blame them one bit. That's amazing. God bless that child. The Independence Bowl for the record, It could have been sponsored. They rejected this overture from a company to sponsor the Independence Bowl back in 2005.

The deja vu chain of gentlemen's clubs offered to become the title sponsor. Where did they find it in their hearts to reject that? Or did ESPN reject ESPN event? There's a chain? What it? Yeah. The Dejaouou gentlemen's clubs offered to sponsor it. and the Independence Bowl, too proud for deja vu,

declined the sponsorship. I'm pretty sure they went on to be sponsored by Advertare. I also think we just experienced a wonderful moment where Pablo realized that they are actually shift club chains. Well, I was thinking about it, like the gold club, obviously, I guess, is a chance. There's little stars in your vision,

but every star is a trucker, flap with the naked lady on. Yeah, I would just say there aren't that many guys named Rick that own clothes. Right. But I thought there was like a, I thought Rick's was like a Joe's

pizza scenario where everybody just used Rick as like to go to Rick's original. Don't go to 99 cent, Rick's. Exactly right. 99 cent Rick's got wings. They do dilute the hot sauce, though, with water. I'm okay with it, but, yeah, 99 said, Rick, really does cheat you on the hot stuff.

Thank you for joining our college football championship podcast for men. For men. I am happy that we brought up straight for it, though, because you might recall that's where Alabama went for a bowl game in Nick Sabin's first year. And rumoredly, when they got there, the buses stopped. and Nick Saban got everybody off the buses and said, I hope you soak all this in, because while I'm head coach, we're never fucking coming back here again.

Those got a story about Shreveport. The other thing about that Shreveport trip, by the way, is that's where the infamous Nick Sabin, I believe his Cupid Shuffle was filmed. Oh, Nick Saban, wedding guest extraordinary? Yes, because that's where the world discovered that Nick Saban was a DB and still had those hips. Yeah, and see, and you can tell when he's got, if you've ever seen him in like formal wear, he's a little hippie, right? Yeah.

Like he's got, he's that kind of like not like an hourglass figure, but for a man, he's a little hippie. He could fill out a cocktail dress should he choose. He's like a little hot hat. Like it's a wider base than you think. Yeah, he's a Mazda 3. through the hips. Yeah. But yeah, but the dude has rhythm and you're like, oh, that's that's one of his recruiting moves, right?

Like, oh, hey, time for the family to dance. You got the Cupid Chuffle? Because I can do that. And he can do it. Like, he does a really respectable Cupid Chuffle. You know what he can't do? Hmm. Kick field goal?

Yeah. Get within 21 points of, or get within 20 points of Clemson. Man, how mad are you if the first one of your idiot children to surpass him? you on the field in this manner is the one named Davo. Yes. Did you see the like the stories that they told when they were asked to tell the story? They were terrifying. Like yeah, I did I did hear that.

When dabbo was like, you know, a tricycle on us, by the way, there was some confusion when he was talking about whether it was a hill or a cliff. I think that's clearly a bluff. A bluff. If you're confused about whether, if you're from where Davos from and you're confused as to whether it's a hill or a cliff, it's a bluff. Yeah, but he told, like, an amusing story that, you know, of, like, personal trials when he was broke. And Nick Saban gave a film break down.

He gave a film break down. Yeah. Back from when he was... Like, that wasn't a good story, right? The Nick Saban story was, like, here's the time that I learned, like, this coaching Maxim that I guess I apply now, but it wasn't, like, touching in any way. Well, you know what this means.

He's has... He's got some horrible secret. that he has to fight constantly to not accidentally tell. When people are like, oh, tell us a little about yourself. Don't tell him about that. It's the Kauai Leonard. Tell me your favorite Christmas memory and you say no. It's like, all right, I guess you must be repressing something.

Don't tell him about the drifter. Don't tell. You don't know that he died. You left before you can know. Maybe when he loses control of his emotions, he molds. Like if he's not actively thinking about stopping it, he just sheds his entire care of his. Oh, he's a shape shifter, and he has to maintain the Nick Saven's shape before turning into 1,000 bats instead.

All of which will be aided when Andy Circus portrays him. That's like 600 bats, 1,000 bats would be pretty tall. With Nick Savenman, I imagine Ms. Terry probably controls all the stories, and she's probably put the kibosh on all of his personal stories because they're probably like super scary in West Virginia's health. You know? Yeah, the ones that aren't Miami as hell, yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, he's coached in some. Okay, so like one time, at one time my passport held the following countries all in sequence.

Mexico, Myanmar, and Turkey. Basically, like, search me at customs, right? Like, those three countries, I show up with that. I'm going to be spending three hours at Customs. That and that beard, yeah. Yeah. So where is Nick Saving coach? He's coached, let's see, Cleveland, East Lansing, Toledo, right?

Yeah. Miami, Louisiana, right? Baton Rouge. Oh, my God, he's the true detective. Yeah, he's basically doing a tour of America's scariest places. Slowly. Now he's like, now he's like in the day. And now he found the scariest place of all, the human heart.

Or doesn't it? I was going to say Santa Clara with a 20-point deficit, but. Yeah. Yeah. Like, he's slowly doing a world tour of the most frightening places. It's not that he hasn't found the right NFL team. It's just that the NFL hasn't opened a team. And, like, I don't know, let's pick a town at random Shreveport.

Has an open a team. Now, Ryan, you're ahead. So you're just going to tell me if they score here, right? Yeah, I mean, I'll keep you posting. Quick update. Yeah, Bama's still losing. So. they're facing fourth and four right now and I mean I can let you know in live

in live action if it happens or not or do you want to be surprised yeah we just into the future right we're just gonna slow mo we're getting slow mo's they've been crossing his arms on the headset they're about to snap at 550 how far ahead of us are guys guys I got bad news if you're a Tide fan yeah you're listening to this podcast instead of watching the title day no actually this title game, you might be better off listening to this podcast. I'm saying it's not called the national title game. That's so specific.

Like, that's a joke that works in print. Shit. Sorry. I'm sorry. That wasn't supportive. Don't feel that athletic. I think you might win. Wait, what?

Clemson's going to win the football game? Please don't. Come on. How is the Atlanta fan doing this? He's had a long week. We all have. I know. I just.

Like, can we not count chickens and all that? What did I win? I know a chance. Are you asking three, are you asking three Atlantins not to count chickens? Yeah, you're right. That was my fault. Yeah. Now we're all just sitting here, like, staring at the TV together.

It's like you're all here. Wait, did you see the fourth 93 of you? Did you all see the fourth downplay successfully? Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure. It wasn't. What do you do in the off season?

Spencer, I'm going to watch this game. Spencer, are you there? Oh, yeah. Have you played Red Dead online yet? I have not. I have not either, and I'm wondering if we should form a gang. Oh, I support this completely. I've been waiting for you to ask.

that. Should we form a gang? So, am I to understand that online, is it just like GTA? Do you just go around shooting people? Yeah, pretty much. Oh, that sounds great.

You know, I, I have not, I've not played yet either. All I know is that you can create your own avatar, so it's completely different, obviously, from your normal, you know, narrative character in every way. But I presume that, yeah, you can go and, you know, murder your friends and stuff.

I've dabbled a little bit. You can, like, you set up a camp with your buddies and you can, like, raid other people camps where you can just go fish together. We're not doing that. No, yeah. No. We're not fishing.

By the way, speaking of fishing, if you were wondering when Kirby was going to start trending in Atlanta, it's now. Oh, wow. And Jalen is actually. Kirby and Jalen both trending. Is that good? Yeah, it's great. I mean, it's great for us.

Why would you want Kirby here? He can't even beat Bama. Oh, you know. But yeah, we should, we should form a gang and we should, I think we should engage in, like, we should engage in various, like, ultra-realistic endeavors inside the Red Dead Simulator. Like, there should be a gang of dudes who,

just go gamble and drink together, but do not commit violence. They're just sad. So to be clear, you want to recreate a Las Vegas bachelor party online. Yeah. Isn't that basically what we're doing right now? No, because there's no way we could possibly make money off of this. Press X to stifle emotions. Press why to wonder where life took wrong turn.

I'm in by. we're going to graduate and we're never going to see each other again press left triggered to text amber and say you miss her oh wow the catch from like three minutes ago yeah yeah it's pretty good oh oh my god right are we recording this for posting or are we just i mean i mean do you remember the part where Pablo was just talking to nothing but me clicking for two minutes how that's that's why i'm asking if we're a recording for a recording because I'm kind of excited to see what this sounds like. In theory, but I'm not making any promises at this juncture.

I'm talking about lunch I'll know the hour. Yeah, I'm just basically going to be the guy in the Red Dead Posse who just is like, I'll be I'll be the troubled dad, trouble dad in the Red Dead Possee. What are you doing? I'm just going to go over here and get my hair cut and walk it for a while, man. That's all I'm going to do. I do feel, I do feel ashamed. though because so my brother my younger brother went through the game beat the game much

like you Spencer like very dutifully paying attention to the narrative and enjoying all of its wonders and so when he comes over to my house oh there's something that's happening for Alabama simultaneously to this when he comes over he sort of sees me just being abject terrorist and it's unnerving like I feel like there's a certain moral judgment from people who have played Red Dead trying to be a good person And then they come over to me and I have like bounties everywhere and I'm just, yeah, I'm just throwing Molotov cocktails of trains for no reason. And I feel bad. That's a nice little Tuesday.

Yeah, it is, it is fun to do that now because, like, I've beaten the game. So you come out of the game and you have, you know, it's like, oh, man, you have all of the honor in the world. You've played this game so morally and thoughtfully, right? And now it's like, let's undermine. all of that. Let's undo all of the good we've done in the world. And you finish the game with like, man, if you do it one way, you can finish with like 30 grand or something, like in the bank. Yeah, once you finish the story, you're fucking loaded. Yeah. So basically you can have that you can have that existential crisis, you know, of wealth and success. Like, well, what's next

for me, man? I built a barn and I have $30,000. What more could I want in this life? Which, to be fair story of my family I got 30 grand in a barn I did it I reached the top I got 30 grand I got a barn and I see a train

what was it I wanted everybody to ask this question because it's one of my favorites but like what was your definition of like fuck you money when you were like 20 like what was fuck you money because for me like I remember the number

I was like man 70 grand if I can do something 70 grant, never have to work again. Like, at one point, my brain actually thought that. I don't think I was ever that wow. Not even when you were like in Florida. No, because, like, I think it was because I had no intention of staying in Florida.

So it was like, I just, whatever money keeps me from going back to Florida. That's the goal. That's actually a good goal for everybody. Yeah. That's a good blanket life across the board. I remember thinking whatever a corporate lawyer makes, that seems like a level of security that I should aspire to. And now I laugh because I get paid that to do this.

And life's funny. And to be cleared, by doing this, I mean, lie down completely horizontally. on my couch as this game is on mute. I have no real idea what's going on, but I am listening to people talking about it. Well, I think you're actually in the ideal viewing situation. Like you're probably, I feel great. You're not extending too many calories, and you know by our cackling whenever something bad happens to anama. Exactly. I just turned my head. Great.

I want to post an alert reader Vickram informs us that something went wrong with the Cal train tonight and it started switching tracks. Northbound train on the southbound track and vice versa at Palo Alto. Can you imagine the debacle if the game were here? Man, if you have ever seen a load of Alabama fans who are there every fucking year and never improve at this, trying to get off Atlanta subway station at the station that's clearly marked for the stadium

and they're all standing in the door going Bert, do we get off here? Actually, yeah, I kind of love the thought of masses and masses of Bama fans stranded in Palo Alto because as I keep telling you people, you have a lot more in common with Stanford fans than you think you do. It has to do with money.

I enjoy it. enjoy though that Stanford when everybody else is expanding their stadiums they're like we want we want fewer people at these games Stanford Stadium's great though like it's got the view they got the eucalyptus they got the garlic fries um I would love to talk about garlic fries all night y'all but uh we're gonna watch the fourth quarter all um like we are yeah we're gonna watch it solo um because well we want to focus on it. Also, we've ridden this horse a long way to use redded.

Mostly, I just got to pee, mostly. Yeah, and Ryan has to our special boy's squirrel bladder must be attended to. Ryan, thank you for setting this up and doing literally all the work for no pay as usual. Don't worry, I probably fucked it up. Love you.

Thank you to Pablo from the New York office for jumping on and filling us in on those quarterly reports. As always, Bhutan inamo. Bye all. Bye all, 1852

of you beautiful, beautiful lizard people.