Shutdown Fullcast - THE ATHENS TRAMPOLINE CHOWDER SOCIAL, AND OTHER TALES OF ROMANTIC VICTORY

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

SHOW NOTES We asked for your stories of romantic triumph, and almost all of you sent something that resembles that! Good job! The first story is also the best story, so if you really want to you can bail after that Chili's has run out of history The fusion cuisine that ended a three-year relationship Why women crave zeta males Ideal public settings for testing the big spoon/little spoon dynamic John Cena first-date fashion Can't spell GREASE 2 without a bigole G What's the best place to puke on a date? Learn the romantic history behind Ryan's grandmother's wifi password A number of high-success methods for kidnapping Spencer Scenes From An Abandoned Italian Restaurant Surber is unleashed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I think any rule that makes someone say, you can't call that in the last minute. We just make a note because that's a rule we should just get rid of. We don't need the rule if you don't need it in the last minute. Just add that, okay, check it off, get rid of it. False start, not in the last minute. It's done. It's done. Start whenever you want.

Okay, so I was trying to think of how you could tweak the rules so that we didn't get a bunch of unintended consequences, which can't happen. I know that's impossible. Sure, right. If you change a rule, you're basically making. another absurdity down the line. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But, but, and there's

one with mine. What if no kickers in the last four minutes? Can you? Play this out with me. There is an absurdity here. Is it no kickers or is it no kicking plays? No field goals, okay? Okay.

So you're allowed to kick off. So we don't get stuck in a situation where everyone's just standing there. No, we don't, you don't delete the code in Madden so that, you know, the game's just guys doing this. Delay of game all the way back to the one and no one knows how to do anything about it.

Yeah, no. Are you allowed to punt? You're allowed to punt. Okay. So in that case, you could kick off via drop kick then. Yeah? Yeah. So there's no field rule specifically is what we're getting rid of.

If you're tired. In the last what stretch did you say, last two minutes? He said four. Four. Wow. You went big. Why not the last 59? There was a reason for that.

I hope you're not down by two, fucker. No, there was a reason for that because if you said no field goals in the last two minutes, you're essentially making a 58 minute game. Yeah. Right? Because you're just going to fuck around to do. You're going to do fuck nothing for the last two minutes if you're up. Just say the fourth quarter.

Just make it the fourth quarter doesn't have field goals. Let's say 19 minutes. Let's say you can. can kick one field goal a game and that's it. What about the last, the last 17 minutes of real time, not clock time? Wow. What if the fourth quarter was only field goals? Only field goals.

Mm-hmm. We'll split the country in half. One will play only field goals, one will play none, and we'll let the market. It's only kick returns, punt returns, and field goals. So they kick off, and you're like, ah, man. No offense or defense. We only got it to the 30, got a punt. Other team returns it to the 50.

I don't know. Maybe we should try it. In the third quarter, we do only two-pointers. You might think I'm saying only P-A-T's. No, only two-pointers. No touchdowns. I call it the no-duty rule. Not the Narduzzi rule, but the no-duty rule, meaning we take away your little toy.

We take away the cudgel with which you slam a game into meaninglessness by bringing the kicker. her out. And in the words of a football coach, I have forgotten, you hate it when some foreign guy gets out there besides the game. That was the thing that people actually thought kickers, thought about kickers at one point. Nothing, nothing that could be said on television could be more powerful than Chris Berman being like, here we are, two black quarterbacks and wouldn't you know, it's Abraham Lincoln's birth? He's not their great-grandfather. It says through a throat full of nacho cheese. That's naturally a curry

Nacho cheese throat, okay? It's been there a long time. He's had that nacho cheese since 80. Yeah. It's the genetic condition. Chris Berman actually is where we get our nacho cheese.

The world's nacho cheese comes from. We just squeeze him a little bit. Yeah. Pump him. If you've noticed, since he stopped being a regular on ESPN, there's been a lot less nacho cheese. Berman's lactate.

again. Come get you We've reached Pete Nacho cheese from here on it's diminishing returns. Whoop! There goes some cheese. This is horrifying. I didn't mean to. Do you sure you leave all this then?

It's fine. No kickers. That's my point. No I'm sorry. No field goals. Compromise. Compromise. Once you cross the 40, you can't kick yeah i like that long kicks only big boots only yes yeah you're in the touchdown zone so then you you got to back up think of it this way you're at it's it's fourth and goal at the nine and you're down by two and you're just like well we're just false starting all the way back to the 41

aren't we brother it's time for a failed madden scramble back it up i love that there see this is Boots only. Yes. This is where we do several other innovations. Rugby style officiating, where several times a game, you just stop everybody and go, quit that shit. That's it. Or you give out a yellow card, right? You just give out a yellow card and be like, quit wasting my fucking time.

I don't know. I'd rather see about 17 minutes of frame by frame review with formulas and algorithms and football court. Jurisdiction bodies. Welcome to the NFL. football court it's not even football court it's like football myth busters if myth busters was boring yeah it turns like it turns like um the most um um instantaneously chaotic sport into like um it's even more boring than math there's really to point the math yes yes

it is the most fucking at least in math they're sort of like all right well we got to make the word problems interesting it's got to be about like two trains crashing or something yeah this is the opposite. Math is the best part of football. It is the most American thing ever to have something which is appalling violence legislated by

really tangential legal codes that blame things that actually have nothing to do with the primary problem. Like, stop, stop, what was the problem on the play? You're like, well, it wasn't that there was a 300 pound man running headfirst into another three hundred pounds. What if Mad Max had a homeowners association?

Oh, excuse me, the rims on your war rig are too big. Yeah. It is. It's basically like, you went off-peased. You need to stay on this road.

All right. So when those 17 vehicles collided into each other in a massive fireball and thousands died, the problem was one guy had a grenade that jostled in his hand.

He didn't have complete control of it. What defines complete control? We turn to the rule book, section 1128C, and 350. words of but at least in mad max you could just be like it's whatever the warlord says the warlord decides possession yeah i love the moment during every super bowl where like the most casual fan in the room turns to like in in the rooms i'm in it's me right they they think that's the

football person he'll know what's a catch and i'm like oh fuck oh boy i was hoping to avoid this you know it happens every year yeah and i never have a good answer and i'll just sort of look at what's happening on screen and like ah well like there's a 50% chance they'll say this but they might say that because of that thing. You know, it's a joke that no one knows what it catches, but no one knows what it catches. Yeah, this is, this is, again, the most American shit in the world, right?

Like, you know what? It looks like those cops just murdered that guy. But if you slow it down. Right, right, yeah, yeah. The problem wasn't the cops murdering the guy. It was the manner in which it happened. It was, no, it was, it was, it was some shit. No, no, it's the most American shit ever.

We can letters laid away Any kind of murder Or any kind of violence Down to the details And the manner of which you did it That's it You put the most horrifying thing in your face And what do you see?

His feet were in the wrong spot That's the shit we focus on I don't know He didn't clearly signal That type of shit Right Exactly We have a pregame story

About a war hero Hey what happened to that guy Never mind Hush I really can't believe the NFL draws attention. Like, I get that they see branding value in his name and probably make a lot of money off of his name. But, like, if I was the NFL in my craven self-interest,

I would never talk about him. I don't understand why they bring him up. Because, like, you look at Google Trends the night of the game, and, like, so many people were discovering Pat Tillman, reading his Mickey Page, like, learning the story. I'm sure a lot of people were duped, but a lot of people weren't. I think what you are identifying is that they're almost, know Arizona Cardinals to talk about in history.

It's like Larry Fitzgerald and that's it. Larry Fitzgerald, Pat Tillman, end of Cardinals. Is that why? I wondered I was like there's plenty of NFL players who have been in the military. So it's not like they're like grasping at straws for that. I think it's purely because it was Arizona and they're like, here is the Arizona thing we talk about. That is a good point because it's like, what are we going to talk about? Chuck Cecil?

Oh, that's even more fucked up. Larry centers. We love fullback. We should talk about Larry. centers more. Yes. Real talk. A fullback with those kind of hands?

Ryan. Ryan. Listen, you should be in charge of the Super Bowl broadcast. I agree. It's going to be an hour about versatile fullbacks. Versatile fullbacks.

The stolen land this stadium was built on. The perfecting of fraud of the owners. The Super Bowl has been sold to Quibi because no one was watching it. The halftime show. The halftime show for the ninth year in a row is Andrew W.K. Who might not exist anymore and maybe never did.

Andrew W.Ks, many Andrew W.Ks. That's the only one of those, I believe, besides Stevie Wonder can see. Andrew W.W.K. doesn't exist? Yeah, those are the two that have me 100% convinced. Yeah. Nothing else. I don't believe any of these other conspiracy theories, but those two, I'm in.

I just heard in Elton John's autobiography, there's a moment where Stevie Wonder is like driving a snowmobile. And Elton's like, Elton's like, I don't know how he made it back, but he did. He drove a fucking car on TV on Oprah all around the parking lot, around all these fucking cones. Yeah. He did. During the filming of We Are the, during the filming and recording of We Are the World and its video, Ray Charles said, can someone take me to the bathroom? Stevie Wonder grabbed him by the elbow. come with me and guided him down the hall.

I mean, I believe in echo location, granted, to be clear. He's daredevil. Yeah. It's based on him, I think. He can fight. Stevie can fight. That's my new theory.

Stevie can't see, but Stevie has hands. Stevie Wonder hallway fight. That's what I want to see. My entire search history is Stevie Wonder hallway fight. Imagine getting fucked up by Stevie Wonder at this point. 2023, Stevie Wonder knows. It'd be an honor and a privilege. I mean, you know he's kind of big, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I know. He just puts the rings on you. And you're just down. Gasp and Fray. Just be and the boys when we get old boyed by Stevie Wonder, just him with the hammer. And then he just harmonizes about it.

Yeah. He just sings boogie on reggae woman. He just drift off into sleep. You know, I'm going to be able to be, you know, I'm going to be. Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as I am every week by Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson, Jason Kirk,

and on the ones and the two's Michael Cerber. Today we are going to discuss a topic that... Hello. we don't really thank you Ryan we're going to discuss a topic that not the longest audio delay

in full cast history no we can work with this there we go another delay perfect that sounds like magic clap your hands if you believe in Ryan clap your hands if you believe in love

or he'll die quite the segue thank you Spencer great job I'm Jason bless me thank you thank you i gave myself the quinine williams sneeze bless me thank you love that's the topic of today's full cast pause for laughter pause for laughter pause for laughter pause for derisive gales

laughter we have asked the public for stories not of romantic disasters which i'm glad we didn't because sometimes you ask for those and people are like let me tell you about my divorce to be clear some of you sent those in any way. Yes. And of course you did. We love you. And we already have an episode on romance disasters. Uh-huh.

You can listen to it. But thank you for understanding the spirit of the show, if not the request. All right? We're about the spirit of the law and the letter of law. Are we going to use those only if they're very, very funny. But fortunately, most of you understood the assignment and gave us stories of your success. So here we're recording today on Valentine's Day, 2023. three, we're going to go ahead, we're going to share those stories of when you actually

succeeded in love, sometimes despite your best efforts. Jason, you have a heater that I think will set the tone for the entire show to begin with. Yeah, we like to, we appreciate all the things that you folks send in, but we also like to at times specifically point to the ones that really, really, really grasp the spirit of things. and we're going to start us off with the very first entry for this submission. Thank you to Ryan for collecting these and also to the person who said that no one but Ryan reads the email you're wrong. I saw you. This comes in from Scott.

This is the very first thing that was sent to us seconds after the call went out. Quote, I got engaged at Chili's, period. End quote. Thank you, Scott. Thank you. Please rise for our president. This is the perfect length of story to send us. One thing I would like to say about this is I will chime in here with my own.

I've been with the same person since I was 19 years old. Our first date was Chili's and a Converge show. So there's something to it, folks. Chili's recently sent me a gift card for a free meal because we have a long-standing relationship. Chili's and I, and as does Scott, and Scott's special someone. So, yeah, this story is, that's the right line. length of story. I would like to share also that my own parents got engaged on the interstate in the car on the way to Gatlinburg to see a laser light show of Dark Side of the Moon. They just

celebrated their 48th wedding anniversary in October. Such power. Right? Such power. With that kind of foundation, Link, how can you go wrong? I went to, I don't think it was, I don't think it was because of this answer, but it wasn't not because of this answer. I went to Chile's last week. We took Nora there for the first time she'd ever been. Oh dear. I'm here to report that food-wise, chilies still goes. That's right. I understand people who have various opinions about chain restaurants, and some chain restaurants do suck. It's not just a like, oh, we're being snobby and we're looking down on, you know, people who can't go to other places. Some chain restaurants, like, the quality is falling off. The food is not great. Chili still goes. My only complaint about chilies at this

point in time, they have gotten rid of all of the, like, weird and kooky decor. Like, where it used to be like, oh, here's... They got beefo Brady's? No. Now it looks, the inside of the Chili's looks like the lobby of a sad business

hotel. And that's what we have Chili's too for. We don't like that. I want to eat Southwest Egg Rolls surrounded by the innards of a freshly exploded garage sale. Did all the, like, random license plates and shit get moved to Chili's two? did they just run out finally

are we out of history that's what it is the mine calendar said history will end at this point and what we thought that was the end of the world but in reality it was this is when Chili's runs out of weird shit to put on the wall we gotta get this person on the show

sometime because there are people there are buyers whose entire job is to like ransack flea markets and estate sales just to find shit to put on the walls in new cracker barrels and I was like what if they finally ran out of what if all the warehouses are finally empty. Hobby Lobby stole everything.

Eat shit, Francis Fukuyama. What do you order? What's your go-to dinner order if you're getting engaged at Chili's? Like, what is the menu at? The works. The 20 for two, of course. No, wait, that's the other place. Oh, no, shit, I'm mixing up with Ruby Tuesday. So I'm going to crack open the Chili's menu

because I got to admit. The menu has not changed much of at all than what you married. You're going to get eight pounds of way for thin chips. Yeah, yeah. So you've got to get the dip trio. The community. Yeah, I'll take the comedian, please. I want as many paper chips as I can possibly get.

Yeah. Well, but you want a wide array of dips because as you are planning your life with this person, you need to immediately start plumbing out. Like, okay, is this, like, you want to, like, check off all of their potential allergens at once. Like, okay, do I want to be married to a gatsy lactose eater? Right. All the salt and the chips is going to drain all the water from my brain, so I can think clearly during this crucial moment.

Does my sweetie bloat? Also, we're going to keep it thematic here and we're going to celebrate unions and combinations. Right. And the dips, that's the Trinity, right, guiding us to the main, which the main is going to be a union of the heat of love, right? The spiritual heat of love and the physical forms that we will combine to create a new union and family.

and that is that's fajitas what the heat that's right we want to celebrate it and announce it okay so the the skillet is like

represents the hearth of heckett yes yes the skillet is the the heat of young love but the sizzle cannot stay there forever and you have to be able to enjoy the fajita

even after the sizzle has left that's correct we're wrapped in the responsibility it will be a take home with something At that point, that's when you slip off the pot holder and start raw-dogging it. Yes, that's correct. But we're held together by beans and guacamole, right?

The state. Yes. That's what we're held together by. That's not a metaphor. That's what Spencer thinks bodies are made of. That is what my body is held together with, and I am still here, Brian. I'm going to ride that shit. The Chili's anatomy.

The four Tex-Mex-Hubors of the body, Koso, Sosa, beans and guacamole. Spencer, if your body is Koso, what are you going to do about it? To make a perfectly cylindrical torso like this, you need refried beans. Spencer, you're made of cheese. No comment. To finish the deal, I'm going to go ahead and say that we need the molten chocolate cake. Yeah, sure.

Is that also the heat of love? It reminds us that even when we think the heat is gone, it's still there inside. It's a surprising amount of heat. That's right. Whoa, that's hot stuff. That's right. It's a little too hot. And then not as part of the theme, I'm going to get some to go alcohol to go, right?

Sure. Wait, is that available at every Chili's? God damn. Every Chili's. I would like some to go alcohol to go, please. I am definitely 21. Can I have a handful of booze for the road? You're the most, you're the actual adult person I know who lives the most like multiple children inside a

trench coat. Yeah, can I have a zip-lock bag with some gin in it? Please, thank you. Do you want a Ziploc bag with tequila in it? Chili's will give you a gallon mar-go-rita. Mar-dash-go-dash-rida trademark. Sorry to stop. All right. They'll give you whole kits. We didn't get through COVID on chips and salsa alone, bitch. Some of us did. I think Jesus said that. Who is we? Yeah. Chili's got through this thing moving. Hooch. Smokey in the Southwest Egg Rules. Hey, let's go to a voicemail. Let's do that.

I promise it's thematic. Serber, can you play Ben from Buffalo? Yeah, just calling. Regarding the unlikely romance wins, Ben from Buffalo. It'll be a lot of the Sunbat. Yeah, just calling at the bathroom. My family and my beautiful.

wife of seven years, who on our first date, I farted as I was leaving very, very loudly, like really, really loudly. And we're still the guy. I don't know how. Really don't know how.

It was such a big fart. I'm like, God. It was so big. All right. Hell raw. Roll pie. If he didn't catch the first part of that, he's recording from, he's currently trying to record this secret from inside the bathroom of his family home. Or maybe a Chili's bathroom.

We don't know. That was my favorite food-oriented stories, second only to Todd from Dallas, who said, I tried to combine fuh and gumbo. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it ended a three-year relationship. Again, perfect length of story. I require no establishment. Fumbo? Fumbo.

It's fumbo, yes. Gumpfah. Gumpfah. I like fombo. Fumbo. You know what? I got to say, if I'm sizing up the potential partner and they

Sorry I try the look he just gave me Jesus Christ If you says if a woman's leaving the room And she honks out the loudest donkey fart I've ever heard in my life You know what I'm going to think? That's a lady taking care of business

That's what I'm going to think She's been to chilies Yeah See? She understands love. That's a healthy animal right there. I'm not a woman, and I don't know what it's like to be a woman looking for a man. But I cannot imagine that most women go through life who are interested in dating men thinking,

I will find the one who does not fart. I will find the one who's not gassy. I understand that this. felt embarrassing in the moment, but to the other party, it must have just been like, it did what it says on the tin. Like, I, this, this is not, this is, this is completely within the range of what I thought would happen here. And it took so long to get there too. Right. I imagine there's like, a sense of being used to like, usually it's the first flat. Right. Usually it's as we say hello. Usually he's midfart. Hi, no, just a, boom.

There's probably a lot of like, hello, pull my finger. What it is is that for this caller, it felt like you were pitching a perfect game and you just got a home run absolutely smacked against you in the bottom of the knife with two outs, and that stinks. But it doesn't rule out that, like, that was a good outing for you all the same. It's not what you wanted. I have a fart question for the four of you because girls don't poop. Is farting so loud

You wake yourself up a thing that men grow out of after their babies Or do you guys still do that I mean I know all babies do this I don't think I've ever done that You ever farting yourself awake as an adult So there's two conflicting things here One is that I think broadly speaking Men have an ability to fall asleep

And stay asleep in a way that makes At least in my house makes my wife fucking crazy Like the degree to which I would You resist being, like, if she's calling you and you're not waking up? Not even that. It's just that, like, we'll go to bed. Does she get mad at you about it? Like, God damn it, Ryan.

Oh, are you sleeping through diaper change situations? No, it's not that either. It's purely, I can fall asleep within 90 seconds of getting in bed. Oh, I hate you. You're one of those. It's like an envy kind of thing. Yes. Yes.

No, it's absolutely an end of thing. Special power. Yes. I have that very much to here. And so as a result, I think I probably can just sleep through whatever horror is emitting from me. Or there's also this. There's a kind of uncertainty moment here where those times when you wake up randomly in the middle of the night, now you're going to worry. Did my autonomous brain hear the horrible noise escaping from my ass?

Wake up in survival mode. Flight. Flight. Right. And now I'm like, the room smells bad. And I have to look at my phone. You know, for 37 minutes. Now it's time to fight.

I've farted himself into a fight. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes though, I have seen my children, at least one of them do that. Fart themselves awake. Past infancy. Past infancy, right? Interesting. I see dogs do this about every day.

Yeah, dogs do this all the time. But I think dogs have to do it. Otherwise, they would just stay asleep for, like, weeks. It's the only way. They can wake up. They have dreams. They have dreams about... Yeah, it's like dog inception.

This is their... This is what kicks them back into reality. It's like, yeah, the end of the part and all dogs go to heaven where a dog gets kicked out of heaven or whatever. If he farted on the way down to hell, he would have never gone. He would have just woken up. Right. That's what the horn and inception is. It's not...

It's a dog. It's a fart. It's a fart. It's a dog fun. It's a dog. Farting. Yes. and it sounds like that because you're in eight level this is so much better than tenet

yeah like imagine how short a movie inception would have been had you gone to chilies right they would have gotten 15 minutes in it'd be like time to go now when ken wanttonobby's like let's be young men together that's exactly what he means let's go smash some south rustic girls let's get on a private jet and fart ourselves back to reality let's try to Chilis without regrets. All right, I'm going to grab one here. All right, so this is one we got that is a little long, and it's a two-parter. And I like it because it kind of illustrates the problem with eyewitness testimony,

because these are, first, this is an email from one person in this relationship, and then the second person chimed in with their own interpretation. Here's the first one. This is from Mara. I met my husband at my cousin's wedding in Ohio. We are both from California. He's my cousin's childhood friend. I have historically been bad at reading signs of disinterest and over-eager in my romantic pursuits.

We wound up hitting it off at the wedding, but I still managed to have zero chill when my flight out of Ohio was delayed and then canceled. As I waited in an airport purgatory, I called this person I had just met five times. During one call, I believe I asked what his love language was. But he was receptive to all of my hot nonsense, and we kept in touch as I worked the grape harvest in front. Grants, a great phrase to say that I will never have the opportunity to use. Flex, Mara. At the end of Harvest, he flew to visit me and officially asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been married for five years now.

Okay. Okay, this is Captain Corelli's mandolin. Right. It sounds nice. It sounds like, okay, you're over-eager, but you found someone who was into you all the same. And, like, yeah, this is not a, like, I normally wouldn't, no shade to Mara. I normally wouldn't pick this story. But here's the follow.

from Ryan, her partner. How did Ryan find out about this? She copied him on the email to the full cast account, which was smart. Mara, listen, dudes would never do that. All right, here we go. That is true. You could have gotten away with this.

You are correct. This is Ryan's addendum. What she didn't mention is that we both got food poisoning at the rehearsal dinner and were puking throughout the morning of the wedding. I was a groomsman and held in my last puke through the ceremony, then let it fly in some shrubs within five minutes of its ending.

Neither of us ate food at the reception, but slowly brought ourselves back to life with Dr. Pepper and coffee. We grouped dance to Sandstorm. Those aren't good, those aren't good, puke and food. No, Dr. Coffee. Yes. Let's pour some acid in the name. Yeah. It's named after a doctor.

We group dance to Sandstorm and slow dance to friends in low places. The next morning, we went to a diner in gym clothes for our first date. There was hair and the eggs, and we didn't mind. That is a very... That is a very... There's a very different story than the one Mara told us. There was hair in our eggs and we didn't need mine. Also, this is how you know that they're young.

Because if this story had happened like over 30 or 40, nothing would have happened, right? They would have been like, because of the food poisoning. They could have like, I've puked once. I'm going to the hotel on top of the covers. That's what they would have done, right? But they're like, we went out for breakfast. I'm like, no, I'm like, you're here. I stayed in bed.

Right. Alone. I puked once and then I didn't move for four days. I threw my back out, I'm retching into the back. And there's no, like, I administered Dr. Pepper and was dancing shortly after. No, no, no. But I just, I appreciate that two people had, this is their story.

And it's so different depending on who's telling it. We should do this on purpose next time. Tandum disasters. Oh, this is our We should just settle arguments for people We can be arbiters Mostly I appreciate that Mara was like I know I'm going to tell the part of the story

Where I work at a vineyard And I'm just over-enthusiesti That's the entire reason That she wrote After I worked the Great Harvest in France That's the entire reason she sent this in And I respect it Oh absolutely

The male version of this would be Well, while I was recovering from penis reduction I don't know I think the male version is I puked my way to marriage. I puked so hard a lady married me. It's hard to top.

No artifice, right? I've got another injured myself way to marriage story here in the voicemails. And I'm going to read some of these voicemails aloud because your signal was bad or some of you all talk too much. This one, the signal came in a little garbled, but it's from

Aaron and St. Louis. My partner and I one day decided that we're going to go on a glorious trip to see some cherry blossom trees blooming on the south side of Chicago. I did not know Chicago had cherry blossom trees. And I decided this was the day I was going to propose. And so that morning, I took a shower. And when I got out of the shower, I leaned down to pick something up and felt my back completely folded on itself and I could no longer move. She returns to find me on the couch, unable to move, ice pack on the back, looking absolutely miserable.

And she says to me, you know, we don't have to go to which I grunt back, no, we're doing this. And so we go. And the cherry blossoms are beautiful. It's a glorious day. I feel a particularly wonderful moment in the Japanese garden park in Chicago, and I will myself to the ground, offer up the ring, ask the question. She says yes, at which point I look her straight in the eye and say, you're going to have to help me get up. This partnership begins now. So she has to haul me up off the ground in front of a crowd of people, and I wanted to die, but great success go blue. Thank you, Aaron. Way to finish the

fucking drill. This is such a blow to every single like male guru who's like, you have to be a physically superior specimen. This man literally like the warranty, the warranty ran out on him two seconds into the story and she was like

picking it up, taking it home. That's a low mileage pre-owned. That's a sensible buy. Women crave physical security. Motherfucker, Professor X just proposed Women crave Zeta males I just see Professor X

and his wife and she's like he's like do you want to go to the Olive Garden and she's like that's fine and he's like no it's not I know it's not fine These dudes are talking about evolutionary superiority

my man Aaron here from St. Louis is technically one of those creatures that just crawled out of the ocean on two limbs. Yeah. Got a perfectly He's my trilobite. Yeah, and she's like backing it up, throwing it down.

Fish with legs. Fish with legs. Give me the ring. I'll throw a leg over. Perfect. See? Congratulations to the happy couple. By the way, some of these are very cinematic.

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Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. I have one that I need to share. This is a triumph of mid-Atlantic masculinity. It's from Bennett. What does that even mean? You're about to find out because I have a definition. I went to our first date wearing a bright orange Gilbert Arenas Washington Bullets jersey with no undershirt. Married for 12 years. years. I really need to know where the date was. There's somebody forever. I hope it was at the planetarium.

And he was like, I'm cold and leaned in just a little bit. The opera? I was thinking someplace with like high air conditioning. So he's like, hey mama, I like to be the little spoon. There's only so many public settings where you can find out if your lady is willing to be the big spoon. Burr. So cold. straight she's draping a jacket over his shoulders i have found uh this is an ugly

fucking jersey for hold on a second let me see like hold on i'll drop i'll drop a link here real quick but this looks like oh we didn't have the license for our own organization kind and i know they don't go by the bolts anymore but it's still here's like here's a name no but that is some like this is a rebook this a rebuck jersey yeah it gets even worse you have Almost all the letters in Russell. If you took the name off, I would never guess which NBA franchise this is. Even looking at the name, it looks create a team. You would be like, when did Gilbert Dorena's play for the unlicensed Illinois fighting

Illini? I thought New Orleans Pelicans was a fairly new designation. I think it probably came after he. He threatened Javar's Crittenden with a gun in the locker room. That's true. That is correct. Which shouts out to this dude For going ahead and just letting the lady know

Ahead of time, this is what you're in for Who are you wearing? I'm wearing the dude who has zero Who brought a gun to solve a gambling dispute With a guy who later actually killed someone For fun, for fun For fun It might have been before all that

It could have been It's, I want to say that doesn't make the sartorial choice Uh It's far improved It's not about intent, it's about where you end up, okay? What do you? Here's the thing. If you don't wear an undershirt with this,

you either have great pipes or fucking terrible pipes, right? None. None. It's no guns, right. Okay. This is like a platt. He doesn't mention the bottom, but I'm thinking like plaid duckheads.

Yeah. Shorts. This is the kind of thing like you would wear on a date if you were like, this is what I think John Sina would wear on a first date in 2003 or something. That's the right year yet. That's much better than the strategy I was thinking, which was like, okay, go ahead and show her just how bad it can get.

And if she still loves you, just tell her it's all going to be straight ground or uphill from here. That's a good strat. Like, you know, frequently you find people who are like, oh, this is the hottest I'll ever be. Not if I come to this date in a fucking Gilbert Arena's jersey with no under shirt. Hey, will you go out with me again? I'll wear a Kevin Garnett jersey next time. That's right. That's right.

And it will have a tank top under your shirt underneath. Still going to see these pipes, maybe. just realize that you never see any dude-oriented memes of the if you can't handle me at my blank you don't deserve me at my blank and I guess that's just because that's how y'all live yes it's because it's because men it's because men don't have no variety and no change whatsoever no no I just mean that like the worst is just out there yeah it'd be amazing if you came through on the date where you were going to propose in the jordan four five jersey right with the like and then you played if you get a yes with that you are if you if you hmm

of course if it's I was going to say that's a high danger prospect because you could also I also see a scenario where this dude involved gets really really angry at that yeah

but that's also something you'd want to know I came with this date in my Shaq Celtics jersey yeah just to really send a message no I think the reason you don't see that

if you can't handle me at my blank with men is because the answer is, like, that's actually very understandable. Yeah, the world is actually set up to handle y'all at your blinks. Right. At your worst, you know? Right.

Jason, you want one? To be clear, women who say that are insane, all of them. I'm not trying to let my own gender off the hook here. From David. After asking a girl out in 2017, the very next moment she saw me was stumbling across the finish line of a marathon bloody nips and all falling into the arms of a very large and handsome race volunteer three years later we got married me and the aforementioned girl not the very large and handsome race volunteer though he would have treated me right i'm sure this one really

really there was really a lot of suspense sliding at the very end right yeah right like i i i know we all had our rooting interests um and perhaps perhaps we're all uh happy with how things turned out but man just really just really just find yourself wishing to see the alternate reality right letting the days go back what could have been i want you to know by the way when we were doing these a couple of these the ones that jason picked i was on i had my cover like we were in the sheet at the same time and my little cursor hovered over it and you lost dominance i did i thought jason yeah what i always do is i always start from the bottom and then and I managed to snipe one on the way up.

Smart. But yeah, this one, I felt like I had to grab it. Like, as a person who's like only athletic thing I like is running, like, this, that moment where you're done, things are bleeding, things hurt, everything sucks, falling into the arms of literally anyone, I could very much see like, okay, I'm just, I'm with you now, right? So I can absolutely exceed that as being pretty good. common that you're stuck with me i'm bleeding on you our skin makes a peeling noise when we try to pull it apart so i guess we're together now boban i guess there's boband now oh he'd be great

i'd be perfect i take good care of you i like this catamari system i don't think that's what he sounds like he sounds like to kempbe matumbo but johnwick three that's what he sounds like yeah that is what he sounds like which which NBA player do you think will be in johnwick four Gilbert Arunus What NBA player should be in John Wick for Luca What's he going to do? Wait, are we sure he hasn't already?

He's just going to vibe and have good time. The answer is the Lopez brothers. The answer is the Lopez brothers. The movie. It should be Draymond just kicking people in the dust. Yeah, Draymond is more of the speed here. Treywam and Chris Paul Just swinging each other around, kicking people

Chris Paul being in a grumpy mood the entire time Sourpus, Chris Paul The only person not having fun Watching John Wick murder everyone Dismember all the plumblies And reassemble them into a totem of mixed up body parts Mega plumbly Yeah, wow

The omniplumny Wow, the omnipumny Yeah, I think I do think that Draymond is the way to go because you should go you should go speaking of plums right there would be like a three-minute scene where they set him up like john this guy's going to kick your nuts you can't let him kick your nuts if he kicks your nuts you're done and ballic yaga it takes it incredibly seriously it also works because john wick the character doesn't say much in these movies so

leaves a lot of room for draymond to just be talking massive amounts of shit running his mouth the entire podcast episode. Yeah, he's the Black Knight from Monty Python in the franchise. Yeah. Just missing limbs and still just shit talking. Yeah.

Threatening to go to another film franchise Met Recording. I love this. Yeah. Also, he should, Draymond should be with a guy who he doesn't beat. Remember, there are a couple of guys of the franchise who Johnwick doesn't exactly beat.

There's sort of a respect, like the two wild Indonesian dudes who beat the shit out of him in John. In the third, John Wick, you're like, respect. This could be Braymond level, right? Like, you should kick him and be like, that's a good kick. I'll let you live.

So stupid. Let's play a voicemail. Okay. While we're talking about movies, let's play 443, Bobby and Maryland. Hey, this is Bobby and Maryland. Go Terps. So you're looking for unlikely romance wins. I'll be brief.

When I saw Toy Story 3, I can't even get through this. That's it. I think he was starting to say Toy Story 3, which is the allegory for heaven and hell one, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Oh, that's, yeah, it's got, there's like a lot of fire and death and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The pink preaching teddy bear. It's the, it's the existential crisis toy story. I guess they're all the existential crisis story, but that one's like, the literal existence. Yeah, right. Good. Great.

Thanks, Bobby. All right. I'm going to grab this one from Deidre. I'm sorry if I got your name wrong. I'm not smart man. Wait, I've immediately lost it is. My mom is an identical twin. Shortly after she and my aunt graduated high school,

they were discussing the few eligible bachelors left in the small Indiana town where they grew up, and one of them brought up my dad a lanky stoner developed to slapstick movies and drinking buds before, during, and after yard work. My mom and aunt couldn't decide which one of them was going to pursue my dad

romantically, so they flipped a coin and my mom won. My parents were together 40 years before he passed last year, still a lanky stoner devoted to slapstick but with enough cash to pay others to do yardworks while he drank buds. That's the plot of Gosford Park or the prequel to Gosford

Park. I love this. it's good that that's like that's just how we used to do things we used to just yeah they cut cards for him yeah yeah maybe romance doesn't have to be complicated maybe you can just just decide it on simple coin flips and card cuts and things like that and and your whole family's life changes as a result of that i would like to share this one from miller i was too distracted by Steve Spurger's speech at the 2015 SEC Media Days to remember meeting my wife for the first time. Adaboy.

This, so this is South Carolina Steve Spurger that we're talking about. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Cool. Ooh. Yeah. Allow me to piggyback on that with another ACC story. I'm going to read this voicemail from Vandy Import, because the signal's a little wonky.

my cousin was newly single and working in big oil and gas he's not an a and m guy he's a georgia tech grad he's going back and forth between nashville and kazakhstan georgia tech was playing boston college in dublin and he decided to stop off on the way and see the game found himself in a pub chatting to a bunch of locals uh he mentioned he had two tickets for the game and didn't really have anybody to go with he got set up with this girl uh they've been married since 2019, that was their first date. He successfully wooed a woman with Georgia Tech football. It's hard to do. The first.

God, damn. What season was this? This was when they played, this is seven years ago, I want to say. When was the Georgia Tech BC game? I'm not entirely sure. I would remind everybody that buzzed the mascot. This was in 2016. So they got, this was September 3rd, 2016.

and then they got married and three years later in 2019 I would remind everybody this was a tax layer bowl winning year. Yeah. Yeah. Georgia Tech won 1714, by the way.

Buzz only exists because this was a Georgia Tech graduate's idea of how to impress a woman. Oh, I forgot about that. That's right. Is this the last time they beat Georgia too? What an auspicious year. Yes, it is.

Yeah, and it was on a, like a wacky fourth down play, something of that nature. Don't worry, Georgia fans. Mike Bobo's back. It'll all be happening again. Breaking news on the shutdown. Mike Bobo is actually good. I think that's true. I think you're right.

Mike Bobo is actually good, yeah. Now, this means for the next, like, eight. We can all play along with the jokes and all, but Mike Bobo's out. Oh, I'm just going to change all the, I'm just going to cross out all the Fs and just make them say, hire Bobo. This is Kirby's Wildhogs thing. I'm going to get all the guys I played with. We're going to all coach a team.

We're going to live in the same house. We're just going to drink beer and fart and play John Travolta. John Travolta. John Travolta is there. That's it. John Travolta is too handsome to be in that house. I don't know if he's talking to me.

He's telling me I'm cool. Yeah. And I believe it. We're the T-birds. I love Greece so much. John Travolta. Run DMC. You're there.

I would love if Kirby smart. just was suddenly revealed that he had like an encyclopedic knowledge of Greece and Greece too. Oh. That would fuck with a lot of people. A lot of people who weren't in on Georgia. I want to hear his screaming pregame energy

entirely devoted to Adrian Smith. Speaking of Georgia. Jesus. This comes from listener said, The sexual context of the end of the first film is completely changed in the stage musical. Sorry. You got to commit to it.

This is Summer Lovin. It's a flagship song. I want to hear Will Must Champ say Stockard Channing. No, actually, I want to hear Will Must Champ sing Beauty School Dropout. Hey, listen, if anybody knows about no graduation day. Or missing midterms. You know he's really going to hit Hooker in that song. Just really, really hit it.

Or flunking shampoo. Shit. Yeah. What's up, French? He is going to drop out. Mouschamp. He is Frenchie. I'm sorry.

Engaged to a Marine. No, I'm sorry. This is all we're doing for us. I've read the show again, listener. Jason and Serber look so patient and placid right now. I'm reading Kirby Smart's Wikipedia page. Oh. Y'all continue.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Sorry, Spencer, you had picked one. from listener Seth I drunkenly threw up on a classmate while confessing my feelings to her at a bar in Athens we got married four years later

go dogs I mean how else would dogs marry like you know how else would they like meet and court and all that if not for puking at each other in Athens how did you how did you finally tell her how you felt you know like we say as men we don't actually ask these things like for instance

i i only know jason just told us how he met his wife i don't know i wouldn't have known that otherwise you already forgot didn't you they went on their first date so what's jason's wife names wife's jillies and oh no spencer what's jason's name it's emily he's not confident you can hear i don't know that's a very confident when people ask you to verify information at all. That's like the most common name. You've had meals in their home.

Uh-huh. I have. No, I would have won $10 million on that S&L skit. For $10 million, tell us your best friend's name, right? Right, but I wouldn't have known, I wouldn't have known how he and Emily met

if he hadn't have just told the story about going to Chili's and then going to a concert. That's not how they met. That's their first date. That's their first date. okay but like you don't know you still don't know how they met and you still don't know our name I know why in my I know her name I get the point I get the point yeah which is that dudes only talk about these things when it is the topic on a podcast right that's all like I don't know how

anybody podcast about how they don't talk about these I don't know how anybody exists so men will talk to each other right right think so and even then we only do it we only do it in the medium of i need to be in a car separated from everyone else playing audio of strangers talking so i can access this information it has to be unlocked for me it's two o'clock time to talk and then i've done for the week unless unless there's an ad to record later this week oh no i have to talk twice if i hadn't had to go to the vet today i'm trying to figure out when's the last time i talked to a living person outside this house you might have some dude tendencies here oh shit That's why she's on this show.

That's right. That's right. But like we, otherwise, otherwise, we don't know the origin story. And maybe this is why we don't ask, because if I were Seth's friend, I would say, how did you meet? What's her name? And then he'd say, what's her name? Then their marriage, their friendship would fall apart.

No. But then you find out, he's like, yeah, I puked on her. And you're like, I feel bad. I shouldn't have had this knowledge about anyone. I think if you're confessing your love for someone and you puke on them, it has to be waist down puke right like you can't puke on somebody's shoulder wait wait wait wait wait wait wait back Huckleberry let's back up into the stable there the splash zone the splash zone I'm talking about yeah right so the splash zone is less unpleasant when it's physically further away from the face is that

the plan here I think well I'm I'm not convinced I'm just throwing this out there does it matter where you throw up on someone while you are confessing your like are there certain hot zones where it's like obviously if you throw up in someone's mouth you can't keep confessing your love i understand that that's out yeah if you throw up on their shoes we're at a bar in athens everyone's throwing up in everyone's shoes so what if you knees down knees down i think you're okay as long as she's catching like cotton hill zone shrapnel it's fine right i think i would rather catch it like i think i would rather catch it like on the jeans that look like what if you're wearing sandals and it's between your toes

yeah you're wearing if you're wearing sandals at a ball at a college bar you can't be mad when you get puke on your feet man you're just asking for puke toe well remember every bar in athens is essentially a condensed episode of squid billies with more alcohol applied it's squid billies and purchase cops yeah exactly it's just constant like mr creosote style so one more thing they don't like you Meanwhile, confessions of love mixed in with her. Exactly. I'm not home scholarship.

I don't know if I'm going to keep it. The Taho's looking good. I fucked them open. Someone listening to this has just thrown up. Do you think, like, do you think this man's Georgia dude body was like, oh, God, feelings can't deal with him? Yes. No, 100%. Yeah.

100%. And then he was like, your body was confronted with un-highly or Nibulai. Maybe that's why it's... The first time I tried to have this sort of a conversation when I was like fucking high school, sophomore in high school.

Yeah. Totally sober. If I'd been drunk at the time. Yeah. Maybe that's why it worked. Maybe she was like, oh shit, he's for real. These are real feelings because he just bought it.

That's how you know. Ladies, ladies and all other folks who are interested in men, if he doesn't throw up, he doesn't mean it. also once you're putt committed that's true yeah like you have emptied your pot literally I shouldn't have gone to the chowder social

before this okay wait wait wait let's get real gross is that not what liquid courage is shit I don't know the trampoline Chili Summit this is Georgia our liquid courage has to have chunks So why it's for panic? My parents like them and I think they're all right.

I was told Stroganoff was a romantic dinner. God, that was disgusting. The deep irony is there's one person on this podcast who gets physically upset when he hears mouth noises in the microphone and it's Spencer. It's me. Is it the one making all of them? I have misophonies bad. Yeah.

Anyway, definitely don't make weird mouth noises into the same. the microphone. But yeah, if he was puking, like, know that there are dudes who would literally rather die than express certain emotions. Like, they would just rather take it to the grave. So he was in.

I get it. Like, I came into the story, kind of appalled. Now I'm like, no, you guys have taught me into it. Talking hurts. I'm willing to do it for you. Thinking again that the marathon runner had the right idea. Yeah.

Oh, our bodies are. start together all right I love you I'm shitting, farting, bleeding and throwing up, we're together Yeah I live here now In your arms

Our fluids have mingled I can't wait to own a mid-sized house And done would he Brough It's a really good Puky noise More cops is the solution I would like to at this time.

I was kind of saving it for a kicker, but Matt from 404 called in to say, for all of us in the full cast listenership, those of us that are married seem to have basically already gotten our unlikely romance win. Thank you to my wife. Wow. Excellent point, Matt.

I see nothing. I see nothing to counter. that in these messages. I would like to push back on that. Like if we're, Holly, I think it was the last episode. You're like, I have to start being more positive about myself, right? No, I didn't. I did not. I would never say that. I would rather die. You basically said that emotion. This is a pattern. I would never suggest that any of you start feeling better about yourselves. That's why I said that that's why I said it had to be one of you. Being in a successful relationship is not about being an amazingly attractive or even socially graceful person. It's just about finding somebody who is

weird in the way that you are weird. That's really about it. And so like the fact that there are full cast listeners who have found other people like that is not something like, wow, you beat the odds. It's just that there are billions of people on earth and there's all kinds of weird out there. Well, there's also like normal people like weird people. Sure. That's a pretty common pattern. Everybody is somebody's weirdo. Yes, that's true.

Every pair has someone who knows too many memes and someone who doesn't know any memes. And you folks at home, sorry, but you know way too many. Also, if you're currently a pleasantly housed weirdo or curiosity in a normal person's house, just be grateful. Just be grateful. But you also provide value. Yeah. Yeah, you show them memes. That's what I'm saying.

When they show you memes, they found unfa. Facebook you say oh yeah I remember that one I remember that you're you're someone's parrot who cusses and occasionally drinks whiskey right say the thing say the thing fuck Hitler there good parrot oh we got a Hitler voicemail from Hitler how did how did he pull that off now I don't even want to read it because it can't possibly I'm reaching out to discuss an unlikely romance W. Oh, no. I guess his was pretty unlikely.

How did Hitler fall in love in an LSU tailgate? If you just look at the iPhone and you see calling Adolf Hitler. Throwing my fucking tone. It's me again, Margaret. I'm saying that's a scam likely. Like, verify caller. Adolf Hitler. The avie

This guy The avi popper I don't think I'm an answer It's like an anime wifu of some sort Right You'd at least check the voicemail Check it I'd probably report it to someone

Like Someone needs to know He's out of Ava Braun Oh god Yeah you need to burn your computer Now You just need to go ahead

throw that shit right in an incinerator. What happened here? She Googled Ava Braun Wifu. Oh, no. Yeah. I just want to see if they had the little pillows. We got to nuke that thing from orbit. That computer is tainted.

If you're a listener who knows how to get a host of the shutdown forecast off the no-fly list after this, please be sent out. Man, they're going to put you in the no-breath list for Googling that. We would like to, appeal on the grounds of goofs. Your Honor, it was ironic. It was a goof.

I was looking to make sure no one else was looking at it. The Unabomber should have tried that defense. I'm not clicking Matt. Holly, I am not clicking. Whatever link you just dropped in will 100% not be clicked by this man. First of all, it's a nine gag link. Whatever. Whatever, whatever Hitler shit, nine gag.

was on 13 years ago. Yeah, nope. Which means it was a Reddit ship from 02. Yeah. That's a barrel-aged beam right there. Good God. Even Braun had some real 90s eyebrows. What was the voicemail?

Or we just passed that. It can't possibly live up. I marked it really loud. Honestly, it can't possibly live up to what just happened. It's very close to a real-life case I've got to hand it to him So I thought I might try it out But it can't possibly live up to what we just went through

So I can't Matt up to Adolf Hitler caller ID It's better if it's just Adolf Right Because it's like Adolf whom Rupp Yeah No thank you again

It's never Likewise Likewise You want to hang out Talk about shitty basketball racism You think Adolf and baby name is gaining popularity now in, like, Nashville? It might be making a code out. Yeah.

Ohio. Williams to County, yeah. All right, this is one from Colin. Oh, man, did you know that the Germanic means Noble Wolf? They can't let him have Noble Wolf. That's horseshit. Just name your kid Wolf. Yeah, just name him Noble Wolf.

Colin, met my fiancé, my freshman year of college, but we didn't date then. just were friends for the first couple of years and weren't really in contact for a while, but we ended up dating years later after college. Shortly after we started dating, I asked her if she had any feelings for me back when we were friends, because I did, of course. Her response, no, you meant nothing to me. Oh, um, asked and answered. What a bone-chilling response.

I'm picturing like a harsh Eastern European accent here. Like it? The song's got daughters? Further east. Further east. Okay, gotcha. Gotcha. It's good because whether it's meant or not, the implication is, and I can always go back to that time.

I can, you've always had feelings for me, but I can always find that place where you mean nothing. Don't fucking push me, Colin. So like I was saying, baby. Yeah, me neither. It's one of those. I was going to ask, does everyone know, like,

so Holly, you know how your parents got met and married. I do not know how my parents met. You don't know your parents met. No, we don't talk about that shit. Okay. However cartoonishly,

Tennessee and you think my family is, no. I, we don't talk about that stuff. Yeah. Ryan, do you know how your parents met? I mean, my parents met in fifth grade because they were in school together.

Yeah. Okay. They did not get married for some time. It was pretty cute. So your father might have, I mean, it's fifth grade, that's still a high percentage puking situation. You could have, pretty, outside of, like, in the car, like, fifth graders had pretty strong stomachs, I feel like.

Oh. Oh. It's still, like, I think it's still iffy, though. That's like, is that news to your house? Yeah, it is. Yeah, because that's still randomly exploding children at that point. Fifth grade's still kind of iffy, right? Occasionally your classmates would just, you know, puke or pee themselves.

That happened. Your classmates. Yes, your classmates, definitely. Jason, do you know how your parents met? Yeah, at college in Springfield, Missouri. What about you? I do, I do. They went to middle school together, right, and then into high school.

And I think one of the things that really caught my mom's eye was when my dad set the sales of a model ship on fire in a history class while the teacher was out of the room. So I think, I think he, like, that was, you know, this guy's go in places. He set the USS Constitution model on fire with his lighter. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. I think Godfrey's talked about this before, but I'm pretty sure he met his wife when he tried to cheat off her work in a Spanish class at Oldness, if remember. memory serves um godfrey godfrey's origin story with his wife is incredible yeah yeah yeah yeah no because that was that was the second i think that was the second time they met and the first time he was

working at a bar and i can't remember the order but yes it's one of those in in some order it's like he was a real shitbird to her at a bar where he was working none of it will surprise you if you know anything about godfrey and how thoroughly he has outclassed himself in marriage correct um but Yeah. There was definitely a point where he was like, I'm an idiot. And she's like, oh, I'm aware. I do know that my maternal grandparents got married in Las Vegas. They had not been dating all that long. And my grandmother told me that the night they got married, they went to a Harry Belafonte concert. And she told me unprompted the following. If Harry Belafonte had asked me to come home with him that night, I would have said yes. Yes, Nana. This is the same grandmother.

whose Wi-Fi password is Paul Newman. So she won't. I like your grandma a lot. She's so great. Yeah, which, you know, your grandma, she's right. That's the most, like, like, the most attractive man ever born. Yep. Paul Newman.

Yep. Um, all right. Jason, will you handle the youth pastor selection? Ryan, I had a sense you put this one on here knowing. That it would draw your attention, yes. Well, I just went ahead and claimed it because I'm going to be reading it anyway. So this comes from, I think, a different Daniel. We have several Daniels here.

I was a youth pastor and took my youth group to church camp. While there, I met this cool volunteer who was assigned to a cabin with the girls from my youth group. For three days, we hung out platonically, i.e. ate lunch together in the cafeteria, played on the pickup volleyball team together, etc. The evening of day three, she asked me to go on a walk together and told me she was interested in dating me. I, a 24-year-old youth pastor with very limited experience, both of the life and relationship varieties, was totally blindsided by this confident declaration.

I responded as I assume any normal person in my place would have. In a slightly bewildered voice, I said, thank you. Then I gave her a side hug, that's right, and went back to my cabin. Six months later, I took her back to that spot and we got engaged. You're goddamn right. That's right. That's how you do. do it way to pull out of the skid

daniel now we're going to get a side hug for real been married seven years now thanks to finally for giving me for being a romantic ignoramus back then no buddy you still are she loves you anyway this is fine thank you what a side hug that was honestly this is better than changing the subject

this is the kind of youth pastor we want you're right like there are lots of ways for versions of the story to end this is like the most wholesome one possible so good oh hundred thank you I would like to share this one from Jackson because it involves a situation that does not improve

I had a feeling you would pick this one I'm glad you did yes because I do yeah I have some knowledge of this place my now wife thought that I was kidnapping her on our second date what part of Louisiana does this take place in oh it's Tennessee that's fair for yep Okay.

The Tennessee part of Louisiana. So the unfunned kidnapping. Yes. Okay. The unsolved mystery is kind of kidnapping, not the wacky cone brothers kind of kidnapping. The non-fiesta kidnapping. Yeah, this is a yakety-sax free kidnapping, right? Like, you can probably kidnap me if you played yakety sacks the whole time.

I'd probably go along with it for a while. How would we get your big ass into a van? Dancing if you played yakutty sats. Woo! Festive. Folks, you know what he looks like. A best of look. Also, if you said, like,

hey, there's a cool dog in here. He'd just get in. Oh, God. You're right. I would in turn probably be followed by a cool dog. I was already hanging out with. You leave the dog in there, and then Spencer's occupied for the entire right.

What is that, buddy? We didn't even tie him up for five days. He didn't tie him up. He just had a cool dog and no food, and he was fine. I'd be like Bob at Bob's burgers when he's just hiding in the walls. He's like, it's nice in here. I'm a theater for a day.

It's quiet. It's quiet. But I was really excited to take her to the loveless cafe. But thinking it was this cultural landmark, everyone would know, I didn't want to ruin the surprise by telling her where we were going. I'm just going to say the mistake was, second date surprise. Like fifth date surprise, six date surprise, second date surprise. There are people out there who don't like surprises at any time.

That's true. That's true. But you can't know that early in a relationship, so why not take a chance? Yeah. Take a chance on love or being abducted by a stranger. If you've driven to the loveless from Nashville at night, it feels like you're going straight to the middle of nowhere. That's correct. It's off Highway 100, not far from that's trace.

It is, it feels like the middle of nowhere. It feels like a crime scene, and I will tell you this. Okay, open the door of a car at high speed and rolling out of it is going to be an amazing story to tell your wedding, though. When did you know she was the one? and buddy you should have seen the way she shielded herself and like landed like rolled into her shoulder covered her face with her arm forearms yeah she memorized my license place so they could track me down later it was amazing yeah that's how we got together the police family if you uh when we did finally get to the restaurant i hopped out of the car and went over to open her door and she refused to get out

when i looked confused she pointed to the enormous neon sign that said loveless motel first of all I want to state for the record that the loveless motel, the sign, if you have not seen it, go ahead and Google it. It is a neon sign that looks like the Bates Motel murder sign. That is what it is fair. For those of us who know what the Loveless Cafe and Attached Motel is, a wonderful sign of nostalgia, right? An indicator of future ham and biscuits in my, you know, coming at me. For anyone who has never seen it, it is the word loveless in terrifying neon in the middle of the night. Welcome to Death Inn.

It's a restaurant. Don't worry. I'm pretty sure the sign still advertises like air-conditioned rooms. Correct. Is this like a very Tennessee thing? I don't know anything about it. It's a very Nashville thing. It's a,

it used to be a motel. I don't know anything about either of these things. It used to be a motel. It, they got famous for, I think, their biscuits and fried chicken, and they opened a restaurant.

And now it's mostly a restaurant. But if it said, if it said Loveless Motel, the thought that pops in your head. This is red neon. This is bright red neon And I imagine like pitch black Tennessee night, it's dark as fuck

Like 30 minutes outside It's not in town It's not in Nashville It's a drive Yeah No, it's far enough that I think It would be what police would call plausible deniability about your location

That evening Hang on, I'm just gonna In a busy highway, right? So is it a motel slash cafe Or these? A motel with the attached It's an attached cafe that has kind of outgrown the motel.

Now you go to it as a restaurant. I don't even know if the motel party is still. Okay, yeah, this is, I mean, this is, God, this is past Belmead. This is, like, you're on the very, so the thing about this is, this is, I just mapped it from like Vandy. It's like half an hour from Vandy's campus, right? Here's, here's the thing about, here's the thing also about where it is. Like, by the time you are down there, the area around the Loveless Cafe backs directly up, into the darkest, dankest

woods you've ever seen in your life? Yeah. Like, there's some real... Like, imagine there was a drive-in movie theater that wasn't a movie theater anymore, but in fact it was a lovely Italian restaurant. And you decided, I'm going to surprise my date by taking her to an abandoned drive-in movie theater

because I know it's a lovely Italian restaurant. That's essentially the vibe that happened here. Got it. Thank you. Yeah. Relationships are based on communication. And trust. Nobody would assassinate you at this Italian restaurant. I don't know.

That's what happens at the best ones. Yeah. There's so many movies about that. Right. The Charterl House. Isn't this a fine idea for a restaurant name? The Charterl House. Yeah.

Read the last line, though, because this is what really is delightful. Yeah. So, yes, this man is sitting here looking and going, why don't you come out to the murder hotel in the dark with me on our second stage? Give me the bat, Wendy. And he's grinning. Like, why wouldn't you? I'm not going to hurt you.

Like a crazy person. Put the lotion. in the basket. Right. Once I realized what I had done and offered a good enough explanation,

we both laughed and went to dinner. Talked his way out of that one. All right. Yeah. I want to hear more about that.

My wife insists to this day that this went much better than our first date. What the fuck did you do on your first day?

The word I'm focused on here is much. Not just better. Much better. Good story, Jackson. It's rare that we want a sequel,

but the prequel to be clear. That's amazing. Like, was the first date like, so I thought I would take her to the murder hut. The murder hut located three hours outside.

I made a reservation at abandoned hospital. Yeah. Wouldn't you know it? Hey, Cerber, can you play Matt in 405 from Oklahoma City? Hey, server.

Unlikely when, the first photo I ever was my partner of me was my sunburnt, smiling intoxicated mugshot photo from Muskogee County jail, we've been together for four years.

I like that, first of all, I like that the address of Serber. Yeah. Yeah. As if cutting out the middle persons and going straight to the boss. Smart. He's talking to the boss, yeah. Take notes, motherfuckers. Greasing a few palms. This is how you get in. Damn. You were

in jail in Columbus What do you think the sunburn was related to Do you think the sunburn was related to the arrest or incidental? He's from Oklahoma City so I'm assuming it's the other Okay, so it would be the other one, okay. Sorry, what? Do you think the sunburn was related to what the arrest charge was or is it just happy accident that he's sunburned in this?

I'm very sure this jail has a roof. Oh, interesting. That's a good question. Jail Alfrus. go that would make a romantic Italian restaurant again this is the opposite of what we were just talking about places that sound romantic you haven't presented my heart though yeah gonna take you to burger jail

that's what I call my tummy we're just combining these into like carload it up for good behavior onto your shoes while I'm confessing my love good hugs I just I just like the way the man looked in orange All over

All over Hey After I threw up on him Because I'm in love with him Go pokes There's been at least one person who drunk Ending up in the county jail

Put on the orange robes It was like Sincerely was like Go hoops That's Clemson orange It's a wrong orange Wrong orange Burger Jail has made me

Think of this story from Craig It's December 2007. I'm 29 years old. I'm on Match.com and I meet someone who seems like a great fit. She insists on having a date straight away because she doesn't want to waste time on messages if there's no spark.

So we go out to dinner and I think it's going pretty well and I later discover that she disagreed with my assessment at that time. But during the course of conversation I mentioned that I have a grimace bobblehead on my desk in my classroom. She pauses.

The context, when her maternal grandfather died in 1995, She could not bear to call her grandmother grandma anymore without grandpa, so she started calling her grimace instead, doing so until her grandmother's passing. At that moment, she decided there would be a second date. We are now married, and the grimace bobblehead remains prominently on my desk to this day. Very lovely story. Here is how fucked up life is. What if she had decided to call her grandma hamburger instead? Yeah.

Your relationship would not exist, Craig. You would not be together. she might hate you but Craig might have been prepared with the hamburger bubblehead wow oh that's more upsetting

that is yeah can I um I would like to share andies it's very important the first time I met my girlfriend's friends was going over to her apartment

to watch the newly released Gilmore girls a year in the life so I put this one in here mostly for servers don't fucking start with me there goes the line in the bait is cast i am your accomplice here everybody every like pretty much everybody got one in here spencer found the nashville one jason found the pastor one the get more girls one was in fact for our lovely producer michael sir i've found an important sentence here the beginning of it i showed up drunk every fucking story that starts with i showed up drunk i showed up drunk

classic banger it's like the Farrell three beat right the three count it's just it's like the disco flam you know you're gonna get a fire track if you hear I showed up drunk okay if you're in a doubt as to whether you're going to have a good

or memorable time just go ahead and get drunk and do the thing that way you can say I showed up drunk and I showed up drunk and spent most of the viewing ranting about how terrible Logan is was and always will be Wait, you show up and you target Logan?

Yes. As a drunk? It's fine to target Logan. It's fine to fucking target Logan. But target Rory as well. Target how awful they both are and how they fucking deserve each other. Server, why do you hate Rory Gilmore so much? Because she's a piece of shit.

She's not a good writer, first off, clearly. Because by the time of year and the life rolls around, she has done nothing in her entire career, ever. Even though her first gig was writing. on for the Obama campaign, like on the campaign trail for the Obama primary campaign when he upset Hillary Clinton from the fucking clouds. And yet she had nothing, absolutely nothing in that time period that could have given that she had to speak of that no one even remembers that she wrote about the Obama campaign. I don't want to go any for it. But like that's just, we can start there. If you, it needs to be a whole episode.

episode, but Rory is a bad person. The show is about her being a bad person. The show is opposite timelines of her mother, Lorelei, the reigning Lorelei, going from a bad person to a good person by the end, whilst her daughter, meanwhile, goes from a simple, innocent child to one of the worst characters in the history of television. So it's like an emotional portrait of Dori and Greg? She's literally dating a guy the entire fucking series of a year in the life and forgets to break up She's been trying to break up with him For six months

She keeps forgetting he exists To break up with him So she's a full cast listener That's accurate Yeah I was gonna say That's realistic Definitely a split zone listener I hope we can all agree on that

I'm just working out the math On how to do it Yeah No they keep spreadsheets Of everyone they're dating Yeah She Her first

Big Yale energy Her first boyfriend ever They break up That's fine He goes and gets married Good for him she decides to then start an affair with him she starts it like 100% she starts he's complicit sure he's also a piece of shit but she starts it and she keeps it going and she wants it to go

further and encourages him to divorce his wife for her i mean she sounds like a centrist democrat i don't know what yeah isn't there a scene where she's when you're in bed with dying fine steen or something She should be a good writer and she's writing for the Obama campaign. I was like, speech writing. It's, you know, it's mid. No,

no, no. She was covering the Obama campaign. Oh, she was covering. She was not writing for it. She was covering the campaign. Also, the 2008 Barack Obama primary campaign.

She covered it and then got nothing else in her entire career, which means she did a really bad job. So she was a political journalist. Got it. Bingo. Yeah. Andy, thank you for sending that in. I really.

I really. I like that she showed up drunk to her friends. You're like, you know, it's going to impress them, opinions. That is coming in hot, brother, feeling like, I got to impress them. I got to say some things about this thing you all care about. I got to get off my chest. In honor of our beloved Philadelphia Eagles, okay?

That and also to sort of shift away from the political journalist. for a moment. Story from Jamie. I ended up going out on a date with a girl after meeting her at an ECW show. Wow. Wow. So apparently there was a girl who went to an ECW show, first of all, which anyone who doesn't know, this was a short-lived wrestling company that was based around like the most crass ultraviolence

you can get away with within Philadelphia law. It was the one. that during the attitude era, where I remind you, Vince McMahon had his own daughter being kidnapped and threatened every single week, and they broke every single profanity rule on broadcast television. This was the wrestling promotion that was way weirder and hardcore than that. And you could only do it in Philly. It was only legal in Philadelphia. Mick Foley on National TV attempting to die several times per week. ECW is what he was saved from, right?

ECW, like, the most popular guy smashes beer cans on his own face, right? Like, that's the type of shit going on. John seen, when Vince bought ECW, they sent John Cena to ECW for a night, and there was legit worry that he might not make it out. So, to find love, it's an ECW show. If there was a woman at an ECW show,

someone's proposing that night, though, that girl's real. You're the strongest woman I've ever met. The queen of, the queen of, The queen of Philly is in the house. Mother of dragons. She's real. Mother of birds.

Yeah, this is what I'm into. Keeper. I love it here. I think this is great. This makes me happy watching everyone welcome a wrestler by taking styrofoam heads and waving them in unison as a crowd. There are people stabbing each other with forks. This is where I'm supposed to be.

I hope I meet a man here. Our recreation tonight will be trying to find the love of my life while someone rolls around on barbed wire in the ring in front of me. I would love to know at what point in the production she was approached or she approached him. Probably. How many times was she approached before Jamie was the one who stood out? Because I imagine every single guy in there is like,

holy, that's a girl. What is she doing here? cop just yeah she might be a parole what if she was his parole officer twist corrections officer

I hope at their wedding they did that this was awesome chant that's all smashing light bulbs bulbs over each other this is I love our listeners at all times I have rarely felt more affection

for them than I do after listening to this. That's amazing. Wow. Hey, let's keep this joy train going. Serber, can you play 818, Devante, in L.A.? I'm still so angry. Also, shutdown nation.

I got a wild one for you, boys, and I'm just now. I'm loving college football. Me and my best friends and best friends since middle school, and I decided to go down to the city of the Air Force college graduation. from Virginia, coast of Virginia, home of Vicks and Aaron Brooks's and great football talent. Anywho, I go down to my bachelor's graduation and, long story short, me and his younger brother,

and this ain't no call me, call you by my name. we were both about just 23 I'm 25 and you know you hit it off first time

for both of us and we got two guys first time for both of us but the brother got windows and then the mom got windows and there were tears there were crying

there were oh god damn it and so me and my best one's you know your brother ended up we were fought through it now we live in southern California and L.A.

And we laugh every Saturday when that scroll comes across at the scores of the Citadel because that missed the world to his brother. But also I'm going to say this, if you are someone you had offers for scholarships, the same

school you wanted to, and you choose a Citadel. And that gray, again, I'm from Virginia, coastal Virginia, Hampton Roads, that gray means you pick something in your life, right? That's an it. You can't scratch out loud. We laugh

when we see the Citadel Scroll come across. So now we live out here in Southern California, and we're going to go see Coach Prime, so you, see LA, when they come out here next year, and my now boyfriend

goes, why do you want to go so bad? And I go, because you have to root for chaos. it's that line and batten it. Sometimes you just want to see the world bird. And brother, we both love this. You go, world butter and holly, I swear to God,

you couldn't get more in this story. You got to take care and have a great night. He did follow up this story with their mom's favorite dish to make was an egg bake. I saved that boy. Oh, that was beautiful. I really love the idea of just it's important to have little grudges that you nurture as couples

and sitting there on Saturday morning as the game scroll by and watching for whoever's beating the Citadel today and just snickering at it together. That sounds like a beautiful moment. And that is one that you have to watch the crawl for. They're not going to be like, here's your every 10 minute update on the Citadel. It's special.

When it comes up, it's special. Yeah. I can I say too, that's an it you can't scratch out loud. incredible language I just want to say this is an incredible speaking voice in general there are times

where I'm like am I listening to Barry Switzer yeah and that's how we beat Texas again anyway Devante very gently

threatened me if I didn't play this one on the show but I didn't need threatening because that was an incredible story with many turns

thank you for sharing do we want to end on that one? I mean Lane is supposed to be Rory's best friend right and Rory goes

Months of the time without speaking to her at all.