Shutdown Fullcast - The College Football Old-Timers' Plan

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

Flat Cam Theory Dune is a college football movie Marvin Harrison Jr. eradicates the LSAT The Absolutely True Story of the Oldest Longhorn Ever Dan Enos Sneak Attacks Spencer An extended game which ends with us sending Jared Goff to FSU, Geno Smith to Rutgers, and Russell Wilson to Texas A&M after their playing days are over This episode theme arranged and performed by Trey McClure Visit preownedairboats dot com for earthly treasures Visit SHUT DOWN FULL BOOKS DOT COM for the book that got all those people to come listen to Spencer talk about his church experience at the Religion Disasters live show Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Get $250 when you join Ramp for free. Just go to ramp.com slash easy. Ramp.com slash easy. Ramp.m.p.com slash easy. Current's issued by Sutton Bank and Celtic Bank members of the IC terms and conditions apply. The people we like to blame for the demise of the Pact 12, George Cleofcoff, previous Pact 12 commissioner Larry Scott, his predecessor, and Fox slash ESPN. There has to be somebody else who like, we don't know about who it's like, oh yeah, I fucked up big time. like there has to be somebody else who is looking at all the coverage and it's like who they have not found they have not found randy and that is good for randy that's for sure i wonder if like herm edwards accidentally pasted a very critical password

and on a public in a public place or something i was going to blame uh rich rodriguez because rich rodriguez when he was at arizona didn't carry a zero and thus put their athletic department in 400 million dollars of debt yeah i i got to say If your athletic department finances are dependent on did Rich Rodriguez put in all the numbers right? I feel like there's some steps you've left out. I feel like there's some safety controls that should have been applied to that situation. I don't want Arizona caring about math. That's not what we need out of Arizona. Like how much do you tip your dealer? That's the extent of Arizona math that we need.

It's the swamp cool of running. Are my copper futures looking bright? Remember, that was one thing. that Arizona used as a part of their compensation package. They're the only school I've ever heard of that basically was like hey, we've got copper futures minerals.

Like they went back to the 19th century. They were like, Leland, Stanford, come west and build a railroad. That was one of the things that entice Rich Rodriguez out there. That's going to, I hope that starts to be like a quiet part of contracts going forward. They'd be like, yeah, you know, society's collapsing,

environments, decaying. but, like, we have secured for you 20 years of fresh water for you and your family. You're like, so I get to go out to the desert, uh-huh, and when I go out there, I'll be an overlord with mineral rights. You're like, I've seen this movie before. It's called Dune. Yeah, but is it D dude about coaching him up? dude ultimately is it dude about conference conference realignment in some ways

listen i went out this is a big ted planet now what the hell are you talking about listen i went out and i found talent where people didn't think there was any right under the sand yeah they said you could never they said you could never get one of these bad boys coachable well i did it i wrote a sandworm told him where to go yeah i mean fremen is Basically how, like, freshman with a Cajun accent, so it's fine.

I co-drow these friendsmen up. They're going to take us to a title. Spines must flow. There's been in Idaho, but they will not be adding Boise State. No. Yeah, I'll be dunking Idaho because I'm Boise State, bitch. Welcome Welcome to

Welcome to the shutdowns, you are the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall, joined as always, by Jason Kirk. Hello. Brian Nanny. Hi. Holly Anderson.

And on the ones and two is the one and only Michael Server. I have a game I want us to play this week. But first, I would like to discuss, I would like to discuss stupid people. This is, and by the way, when I discuss

stupid people, I want everybody to know, that it's always an inclusive discussion. Everybody is at one point or another in life made up of at least 40 to 50 to 60% dumbass. It's somewhere in there. You just need to know what kind of dumbass you are. Are you a malignant dumbass? Are you a negligent dumbass?

Are you just a chill dumbass? Because there's chill dumbasses, right? Like I think we give a lot of credit to people who are, you know, oh man, that guy is so chill. Yeah, but what if they're just stupid? Like, what if they're that kind of stupid, right? Who's somebody that applies to that category? who's just chill but kind of all right listen when I'm a dumbass and I can be many different kinds of dumbasses

sometimes I am the chill dumbass like oh yeah no it's cool man it's cool it'll be fine no it won't I just haven't made a plan it's just negligent I just haven't thought about that yet but I'm like oh man it'll all work out no it won't it won't at all you know the turtles from uh finding nemo they're negligent dumbasses right because they're like ride the wave man nothing bad can happen Bullshit! All kinds of bad things can happen. That's why you have a thousand babies and only ten of them make it. That's how sea turtles do. They're just like, man, the eggs will figure it out.

Yeah, by jumping directly into sharks' mouths. That happens. So, it's important to know what kind of dumbass you are. All right? I am the kind of dumbass who sometimes doesn't have a plan. Now, what kind of dumbass who doesn't have a plan? The kind who starts something without a plan? sometimes the kind who maybe has a plan but the plan is stupid those two are indistinguishable what

i'm trying to say is that a couple of people tried to fight cam newton this week more than a couple more than four i saw there at least three possibly let's call it three to five three to five okay there were three to five people who tried to fight cam newton i'm going to ask a question for the crowd here how many of them managed to move cam newton an inch it felt more like Cam decided, we're going to move this fight over here. And so he sort of just scooped up the horde and said, we have now relocated and y'all can resume shoving. Six foot five.

I am guessing in retirement, a generous 265? Former NFL MVP, not long ago. Uh-huh. a guy so big that as Bunky Perkins pointed out he fought 11 men every single game when he was at Auburn and won and took them to a national title

I will still say the greatest college quarterback I've ever seen in my time doing this or before as an amateur yeah a dude who when they tried to move him Cam calmly removed

all of them with him aside the tent was an amazing move but because they're fighting, I believe the fight starts underneath one of those tailgate tents with the kind of peaked roof and the four little posts, right?

It's like expandable. You can put it up in like two seconds. He moves out of the way. Moves the whole fight out of the way because he's like, no, there's stuff over here. Hold on, guys. If we scuffle, this tent might remove my wizard hat.

I think that was Cam's only concern. And that man made it out of that entire scuffle with his wizard hat intact. with the wizard hat intact did not move in fact proving once again that no you should never fight a wizard it's just a bad idea

anybody who advertises themselves as a wizard either has actual powers or believes they have actual powers and I think as anyone who's been in a fight would know belief is half the battle at least here so shouts out to the four five potentially six people

who thought fighting the biggest motherfucker I've ever seen up close like he's just massive thought that that was a good idea thought that fighting somebody from westlake was a good idea do you think the hat was a temptation do you think it was like well he's wearing it he's wearing a silly hat so therefore or was or did they want to um obtain his hat because clearly clearly it grants like plus 10 to charisma sure could be that I think it was that but I think also like they found out an important thing which was yeah don't don't fight the guy with the wizard hat don't it's just just a terrible idea

Terrible goddamn idea. The huge guy, the former really great athlete, I assume, still by human standards, still a really great athlete. And the only photo of him, like not known to be a hot tempered person, the only photo of him in any sort of outside the boundaries of a football place. Scuffle was him taking Josh Norman to the ground with a gigantic smile in his face. He's looking absolutely thrilled to be in the fight. Holding him bodily by the shoulder pads as if he were a duffel bag.

this is it this is a grown man who can one of the guys this is he got into a fight I believe with another seven on seven concern this was at a seven on seven event um which if you're one of those people who just irrationally hate seven on seven boy this is a great week for you this phenomenal week for confirmation bias for the entire operation being a shoddy amateur bullshit hour all right um because someone tried to fight cam newton and that's clearly not the mark of a professional at any sense right I like that he hangs out at these events. He's at a lot of recruiting events. Sometimes he goes back for an Auburn game or whatever. And these are events where everyone is wearing track pants, right? Like these are not fashion shows. Everyone is in athleisure. And then there's this guy.

We're wearing robes, cummerbans, probably a crown at some point. You name it. Cam's worn it. It's, I don't know of an environment where a very, a very aggressively fashion conscious person could more be at odds with his surroundings. Well, remember he is from

he is from Atlanta. So at one point it activates like the Manchurian candidate. You just go, I'm going to go out tonight. What am I going to wear? And you're like, hmm, most outlandish hat I can find. Let's see. Do I have a, do I have a privateer's jacket?

Do I have pirate tights? Like, it's just, at one point, if you live here long enough, it just becomes the first option for formal wear. You just go, ah, you know what? I need to go ahead and put on my admirals cap. It'll look great. Randomize. Yeah. You know, the theme this evening is master and commander.

Oh, now we're talking. Seven on seven fields or battle fields. Yeah. Guess who that big ass French warship is. It's literally Cam Newton. you see him swimming around the corner of the island and the Galapagos and you go, oh shit! Is that calm?

Yes. Put the specimens away. It's bony! Yeah. That's what it is. So they said, one of the guys who fought him said that Cam was a no-throwing quarterback, which was very funny because I witnessed him. This is like, I don't know how every time Cam Newton is involved in

civic life in any way, shape, or form, it somehow turns into a debate over Cam Newton's NFL career. What the fuck does that have to do with this fight? So, like, you couldn't beat up a quarterback you believe is bad? That's what I'm saying? Like, if Cam Newton

went on, like, chopped, it would somehow turn into, like, a discussion about, like, you know, Cam Newton couldn't really make all the throws under pressure and be like, what are you talking? What is that to do anything. And meanwhile, he's crafted a beautiful meal while wearing the most ridiculous hat,

anyone has ever seen. Right. He's dressed like the Pope and he made a perfect red shop. What's wrong with you? Just Cam Newton on the Great British Bake Off and Paul going, well, you needed to let this prove a little bit longer, much like you didn't prove anything in the NFL game. And also, you didn't fall on that fumble. He knows, he knows he didn't fall on that fumble.

He knows. He knows. He knows he didn't fall. You know what? If you ask him about it, he'll probably talk about it. He has. He's talked for minutes about, like, boy my life would be better if I'd simply fallen on that fumble yeah this is

if you've seen his podcast this is not a man short on candor in many departments of his life he will speak honestly about

you know pretty much anything you ask him or at least candidly and yet this guy was like yeah man

that no throw an ass quarterback like he was throwing dudes left and right through you yeah he threw you

I don't know about a post pattern But he hits you in the flat I remember like This is sort of playing into the The digression But like we're talking about an NFL MVP Who then his like shoulder fell off Yeah

What more do you want from him And he received no protection from the officials Whatsoever For like 10 years You know counting his college career He had like his idiot general manager Didn't draft a single like offensive linemen For 28 years

Okay just oh you got plenty of skill players yeah little ones not the big elephants you need to protect someone um this is just proof you can't win a fight either there's no winning a fight because you can whoop four dudes ass four of them and somebody will bring up that shit that you didn't do in the super bowl over a decade ago right you can beat the fuck out of everybody and they'll still be like you got a stupid hat you got a stupid hat it's my Steve Bartman couldn't, couldn't make it in UFC. Yeah.

You know? Well, that and his idiotic hat. I would love to Steve Marvin got super jacked. Get the Cubs hat on. Just like couldn't take, couldn't take high level UFC because he beat people's asses and then as they're spinning out teeth, they're like, way to fuck the cub he's over. He's like, no! That's my one weakness.

The North Side will never forgive you. You could choke me out. You can kill me right in front of these people, but they'll never respect you. Crying. Yeah. It's also proof that, you know, like, in addition to never being able to win a fight, there is the kind of person who, I think, in a very principled sense, is like, you can beat my ass, I'm still going to talk shit about you.

Respect to that person. But what who's like, you know what, I'll do, I'll take another ass beating because you know what, you'll forever be the guy who didn't pick up the fumble. I wonder if there, if there was, maybe there's more to the quote, like, uh, Cam, performed very well in the fight today. He whipped all of our asses. We're completely humiliated. But having said that.

Like, did he correctly assess Cam's football career and, or the fight and then talk shit? I don't know. I think that was about it. I don't think there was any credit awarded. It was pure, it was honestly pure Silky Johnson hater. Right. Like, it was, and I mean pure in the sense of you're like, oh, this has no bearing on reality whatsoever. No, like, you're just going to continue hating on this dude.

He could beat you every day for a week. And on the eighth day, you'd still be like, oh, you're a bitch. That's it. Cam Newton lifetime earnings, $133 million. I feel like that's also a very seven-on-seven mentality to just be like, no matter what, talk your shit. Oh, yes. God, yes.

Like, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson should have run competing seven-on-seven clinics, basically. It would end with fights with ridiculous hats. Oh, well, neither of them would have paid anybody, that's for sure. Oh, I have to remember the founding fathers were slave altars. Oh. Yeah, that happened. The other, the last, the last note I have on this is that I think maybe publicly speaking people do continue to really, like, it's a big sort of, like, it's a big sort of, like, like theme when I try to write about athletes is to go you're not like them they're different right

and I feel like people still don't get it if they're still trying to fight athletes in public i understand deck prescott got caught lacking in in the panhandle of florida that doesn't count that doesn't count that doesn't count everyone super powered in the panhandle the danger room of america he was nerfed by the pat panhandle the danger listen man once that airbrush gets in your bloodstream

who oh take off time I feel like the thing here Spencer is these dudes thought of themselves as athletes which like compared to you know

average person sure sure like they're you know they're out of sports event that alone sets them apart from most you know most people

but they're not capital A athletes and they thought they were yeah they're not they're not I can fight camp like again I still think they've probably got up next to him they're like oh he's way bigger than I thought but I think a lot of this is that like if there is an anthem

or a motto for the last 10 years of American life it has to be yeah but I'm built different like that's what it is and and that applies to so many people in so many situations and so many decisions just like I recognize the data you're handing me but I am built different so yeah I understand that you've done a lot of work to figure out these basic facts but what if not but what if but what if they don't apply to me because I'm special and I'm strong or what if what if what if I have figured out a secret the haters don't want me to know this is this is why Malcolm Gladwell should be tried for this is why Joe Rogan is getting paid millions of dollars

Spotify. So I've done my research on Cam Newton. And I've determined He's not six foot five. He's not six foot five. It's a mathematical error. He's actually five foot six.

No one knew. Yeah. This is the short cam theory. Flat earth theory. Flat earth. Flat earth short cam. Flat earth. Short cam.

Yeah. Is Cam dimension two dimensional? Literally two dimensional. Just in time. Just in time. Run and left and right. It's the only dimensions. That's it.

All of the footage of him winning a Heisman, doctored. So the, you know, the thing during NFL Sunday, when it's just sort of zoned out on the games and you're just watching the tweets of the dots. Yeah. The highlights recast as the dots. That's actually Cam, it turns out. He was all along, merely a dot. Trapped in Dot World. I knew it.

Seven up spot. Cam Newton. And you got your ass beat by a dot. You and your whole crew got fucked up by a dot. a five foot eight dot the dimensions they're they're wrong kubrick shot it all the wrong way dot from animaniacs is the best athlete at your entire seven on seven she probably is i mean yeah i was going to say she she probably would be pretty wicked um there is a like i think i think the the notion that we encourage people to do their own research in the first place like

that was the initial like the internet people have access to information that's not good it's not good well it's just too easy is the problem like it used to be oh yeah we have information for you you got to go to the library and you got to look through this big weird drawer of cards and maybe one of them oh the book's not there so you got to go ask for them to hold the book for you and come back in three weeks and then turns out the book doesn't have the information you want anyway good luck continue you haven't you haven't gained any incorrect facts. Right.

Just frustrated yourself. You haven't, yeah, you haven't stumbled upon misinformation. You've just paid too much for parking at the library. You're no dumber. You're just angrier. Also, we, I think everyone who is really naive about giving people more information really underestimated the number of wrong turns a person can make. A person can make an infinite number of wrong turns.

You can get them the information and they'll misinterpret it. Or they won't like what the information is telling them. So they'll just make up new information. Sure. That's it. Or my personal. favorite. And this is very valid for like anyone who's, you know,

enjoying the budding draft season, which is this. You know, like, hey, I watch the film. So? What if you're stupid? Do you ever consider that? You know, what if you can't actually determine what's wrong? I don't know.

We have two prize quarterback prospects and both of them look like they were running for their lives the entire time. Busts. Busts. It's because Caleb Williams and Drake Bay didn't have offensive lines. You might have been able to make one good offensive line out of what either of them had combined.

But the beauty is somebody has to stake their entire professional reputation on these decisions. Yeah. And honestly, they might not be smarter than you. No. You know? But guess what? You might be smarter than them. And that still might not mean much. No. I've seen NFL GMs. you're like, a moron would do this job better

because that person's sub-boron. That's happened. That's absolutely happened. My favorite quote that has resurfaced from this past draft is about C.J. Stroud taking that test and apparently not really giving a big shit about it because, like, I mean, he's awesome in like 99 ways and then he took this test and the score was bad

and like, who gives a fuck? Clearly it didn't matter. But there was another quote that went along with it when NFL GM said, and come on, How many good quarterbacks have come out of Ohio State? As if that means anything. As if the same coach has been there for the last 60 years or something? Boy, suck if you miss the only one. Right.

You look even dumber. You should have been able to spot him because based on the comparisons for most of the past 60 years. Yeah. The other Ohio State theme thing with the combine that I really enjoy going on is, Marvin Harrison being like, eh, all this American gladiators bullshit is stupid. What if I just practice for football? Everybody's like, ah, fuck. He's out fucks us.

We're exposed. Because, too, is, like, I was thinking about this, and, like, I, you know, the much, the much less interesting version of this path is you go to college and you say, I'm going to go to law school. Well, almost nothing you have taken in college is going to prepare. you for the next step that you have to take the L-Sat. So you go study for the L-Sat. This arcane series of logic games and writing that has nothing to do with like what you will actually learn in law school. A test, a test which really, really is seriously close to

solve my riddles three. Yes. It really, it is literally that. Yes. And it is no, it is, it does not bear any resemblance to anything you will do in law school or as a lawyer. But it's still like what we've decided like, you gotta go through. You must find the Minotaur if you would like to be a lawyer. And Marvin Harrison Jr. is just like, nah, that's stupid. I'm not going to do any of that bullshit.

You're still going to draft me. And somebody is. And it's probably going to work out just fine. Same with Jayden Daniels. Jane Daniels was like, yeah, I'm not going to run at the combine. And I'm like, Jaden Daniels, from what I can see, ran approximately 23 miles during game time last year. Sideways, forward, backwards. You should understand that he can do this at this point.

But I need to make sure he could run. Brother, I hate to tell you, he played Parasona State. There's plenty of running on that tape. Sideways, into the stands, backwards, into the parking lot. It's all over the place. Go watch the LSU Mizzou game. You will get to see, go watch the LSU Florida game. You will get to see a shitload of Jane Daniels.

Would you like to see him running unobstructed at high speed? go ahead watch the florida game well you never get to run straight for 40 yards i don't know when you play florida's so nice to do yeah these drills are real life in certain situations i uh i am excited for i mean for the like combine um surge guy for it to be one where it's like okay now things are correct because like jaden daniels is gonna put up some fucking numbers and like he's soaring into that top three and it's like good. That's where he should have been. So it actually, you know, it actually turned out correct this time.

Secret draft value, Bo Nex, Secret draft value. Secret draft money. You're like, oh my God, Bo Nix ran a 4-2? Accuracy master, Bo Nix. The most accurate quarterback. The most accurate quarterback in a single season in college football history. It's true. I don't.

Well, at FBS level. But what about the others? The past is the past. Yeah. Sorry, numbers don't lie. Auburn's not real. No, I'm itch. Actually, that would be a good thing to really terrify some draft Nick who was like, hey,

I'm really starting to see something in Bo Nix. You can just feel like there's one problem. Auburn isn't real. They'd be like, what the fuck? What do you mean? Just walk away. Don't explain anything. Be like, oh, what?

What are you saying? What are you saying? We're about to blow a fourth rounder on him. Tell me. I mean, if Auburn's not real, Bonix is a top 10 pick. That's correct. If Auburn's not real,

Cam Newton never played in the NFL. That's actually true, Ryan, via my short cam theory. Right. Just hung out at Blinn College for a while. That's why I went to Blin, yeah. Because, you know, it was a lucrative, lucrative place to be.

That was, yeah. You know, that they pay, somebody does believe that, right? Like somebody in the Juko circuit is like, those billion people, they're paying all of them. You could probably get away with anything, Juko. Like, can anyone afford to bust you? They've probably been doing NIL for years, and we just don't know it.

Sure. It's like, I'm Cam Newton for Jefferson Ford. That is how Texas ended up with a dude who was much older than he said he was and had exhausted his eligibility. Like in 19, I just, I wrote about this last year, but in like the early 90s, they got a juco transfer from uh california i want to say a dude who had like not only exhausted all his college eligibility but had like had a cup of coffee in the cfl was social security eligible and was just like and it had a buddy who was just like who he's drinking with one day and he's

like hey could i like borrow your social security number and just like go play junior college football again and he was like i don't know sure why not and did sounds like a good use of my identity sure and did and was good and Texas and Texas like gave him scholarship offer and they didn't find out until the night before the sugar bowl or the day before the sugar bowl and they were like ah fuck ah we've been completely bamboozled by this like 30 year old man so if your friend uses your identity to play college football then you end up with his degree I think yes that's correct and then you can use it to apply for jobs

you're not qualified for this is brilliant yeah yeah this is amazing I think it's a good deal and then you get mail for the rest of your life

about donating to the school you never attended ah shit listen that's that's very easy it's very easy that's the easiest part

I got Florida this past week calling me I'm like would you like to give money no no I would not tell Bancassetta to resign but then maybe

I'll consider it. Is he still there? Oh yeah, he's still there. Yeah, it's going to be a while. It's going to be a while. He's useless. He's just sitting there. He knows it too. It's good. It's great to have a job where everybody knows you're completely useless and not there for the long haul. Right? Yeah. Well, I mean,

I think it's good you've contained him. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we've at least contained him with, I think he's afraid to go places on campus because he has this like little cadre of hardcore protesters who just hate his ass. Yeah, Gator don't travel. Yeah, that's the correct.

We don't go on the road. Ben Sass is just, maybe he's more suited for the job than I can. Does he not know how to zigzag? No, you're supposed to zigzag. You zigzag toward him when you're protesting him. Yeah.

Confused him. So you just told the story of someone using eligibility they didn't know they had, which is actually a roundabout segue to what I wanted to do. dude today. I'm going to go find this guy's name real quick because I don't want to just leave it.

Ron McElvey Weaver. Sometimes he was Ron McKelvey, sometimes he was Ron Weaver. Could have told you this is in 1995. Like, not a time when you should have been this easily bamboozled by this shit. If it was 1955, I can see.

People had no way of verifying anything. Yeah, that's when you'd be like, I have six families. I have six families. Nine bankrupt. And I'm the king of the world. But yeah. Also, I'm sorry, here's one good thing about him. His teammates, so after this was all discovered, he fled.

Like, they were at the Sugar Bowl Hotel and he just fled. He laughed. He laughed. He laughed. He just skedoodled. He absolutely skedoodled. But, um, but, um, his, they asked his teammates later, like, was there anything weird about this dude?

And they were like, well, he was, they thought he was, 23 and they were like every morning he'd get up at 7 a.m. brew a pot of coffee and drink it in his robe while reading the newspaper. I think you know what a three years. Starting to see the signs. Sorry. I had to share that a little bit. He lit a pipe. He put on a very long sleeping gown at night with a little cap. Had a candle. Then he would talk to three christmas. Christmas ghosts every night But he's 23 I don't know

That motherfucker told me I bid you Good Morrow Every time I saw him Who does that Ron Yeah he was saying things like I can't believe I voted for Carter

Yeah That's amazing Yeah So kind of in that vein I know that we get a bunch of This is this is the time of year when we're of course as members of the draft

apparatus we have to acknowledge things scientifically. What is nowhere? What? Yeah we are. Yeah we are. We're draft experts. I've been in Indianapolis during the combine. If any NFL office has made any decision based even in the slightest part on this

podcast, I need them to cop to it right now. Jim Mersay, give me a call at 4.4. We know you've heard us, Jim. We know you have. We know. We're in the background right now Jim let me let me save you let me save you some problems big fella just call me and I'll vet them all for you okay drink some water Jim yeah it's summer major league baseball is in full swing and there's one app for you if you want

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I think football players don't have the same opportunities that a lot of other athletes have. In other sports, particularly in soccer, there's this time on a tradition of rising through the ranks and then falling back down through said ranks on your way out of your prime assignment out of your top tier leagues okay and it's not i make it sound sad it's not it's not as usual i've got the emotional tone of this wrong um it's not the saddest thing in the world to see lionel messy in miami it's not okay that's entertaining you can get a a lot of fun out of this. I'm saying if you can still do the job at some level, why wouldn't you? Leading me to this.

I think you should be able to do the same in football. Now, we don't have a minor league in football, and we don't really have other leagues in football. And, you know, most of these guys, they're not going to. I mean, we kind of do. We kind of do. But they don't stick around for more than two years. Right.

So. Other than the CFL. No, no, no. I was going to say, like, the CFL. The CFL and various incarnations of, you know, the XFL, USFL, whatever. There's the CFL and then the other ones that, I can't even remember which ones are around right now. What are we, I, yeah, I don't know what we're on right now. The Rock has one.

But like the CFL can theoretically be the thing that you're talking about. And the Rock was mentioned. Let me go ahead and just say, brother. Teramana, $7.7 in my pocket. Yeah, why don't we just go ahead and enjoy this discussion over a little bit of taramana tequila brother lord knows i was tearing it up last night by tearing it up i mean working out until three in the morning and then sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber because i am a preternaturally huge 56 year old man who couldn't throw any short yeah couldn't throw

when i'm short okay like i said i came to this podcast with five dollars five dollars down to four dollars that i had thanks to all of our fighting men for making what we do possible thanks to Wendy's surge pricing The rock surge pricing Brother this promo is going to be 15% more expensive than usual Hope you're ready Because the people

The rock market Huh? Huh? Okay Yeah Yeah Yeah No I pulled something That was good

All right Yeah So you think we should have a Senior's tour of sorts I think we should have Pro football I think you should have at least four years eligibility on the other side back in college. Yeah, I think you should, yeah.

Should these be specifically old person schools? Grad school, grad school. So we have a grad school league? No, you're playing with everybody else. So each school has its own grad students. Yeah. Who have played in the NFL. Yeah, who have played in the NFL.

No, we don't want to want a bunch of old guys. No, we want to, listen, don't you want to spread the lessons of leadership that somebody, like, I don't know, Antonio Brown? This is a Bull Durham situation. No, what? No. No, I say Antonio Brown? No, that'd be a crazy bad idea. Never mind.

That's the worst possible idea. No, you're saying he doesn't have guidance. So he needs it from the 21-year-olds to a 12-year-olds to a set up a straight. That's a bad plan and probably illegal. This is the weirdest old. guy in the world. Yeah. I think that we should be able to, you know, on the way back down, you get a little more college in your bloodstream.

Yeah. Share that experience. Go back. If we have all these complaints about nobody knowing how to play the game anymore and nobody understanding what real football is about, you come to the league and you're not ready, how else, how else can we prepare our future professional athletes for? the game that they're going to experience and or convey some of the most important life experiences.

Now, I don't think it would behoove anyone, especially the older player, to go to the same team that they played for in college. I don't. No, no, you're not learning anything. You're just sort of recycling the same water and the same trough. I think you need to go someplace you didn't go. So what I proposed today is that we

take. I'm sorry I just read this. Dan Enis is going to be an offensive assistant at Florida. Jesus fucking Christ. Wow. After all those jokes, my, my, how the Enis comes home to roost. For whom the

Enos tolls. It's so over. Oh my God, Billy. Just resign now. It's done. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I don't know if this helps or not. it won't i'm seeing i'm seeing florida's hiring former arkansas coordinator danyanus in an off-of-field capacity with a focus on scouting and head coach projects

i don't know head coach they need more guys does that mean head coach because he's going to pick the next one because they know billy's done that that that that that room of polo shirts has more polo shirts to spread around yeah so it's so they can thomas crown a fair things it's so they can be like all right everybody shit on monday everybody shave your head and put on matching polo shirts and they'll never be able to find coach they'll never be able to fire him because they won't fight clay helton protocol we're going to be in the metropolitan museum fart they'll never fire me and we'll all get an accent like him

I'm I'm Spurticus I'm Billy Napier I'm Billy Napier I'm Billy Spurtecus Billy? Billy Napier scared money don't make money especially when you can't find it to be fair scared money don't make money is some shit you say

when you jump off something you shouldn't jump off scared money scared money don't make money is the first person I heard it from was my dad not good

business genius your dad yeah not good I'm sure he's made I'm sure he's made a number of good bets um bets is the correct work

yeah I mean it's like zero That was a number. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm just nodding. All right. Sorry, sorry that Daniness has ruined the podcast. No, I don't know.

He has so many times before. Where's Dan? Don't answer that. Now you know. You're the one who knows. Now I know. Told you not. I just said that Google alert, but you just wouldn't listen.

No, Florida football just brings no joy to my life. If nothing else, this should. This should reinforce you that when we record the show, don't have Twitter open. It can lead to no good. That was an email alert. That's what I get. What? See?

No, no, I have certain email alerts, believe it or not. And this is what I get for having them. You've talked before about your many email alerts. What are some others? Florida, let's see, heist. I have a... Sure. sure you're in uh you're in uh danger guerr well yeah yeah me and brian grub there's some grift going on here

so yeah i've got heist i have an email alert i have an email alert for jill scott and i don't need you to ask about why jill scott heist what is she up to now uh and i have an email alert for florida football and that's it yeah that's pretty much it yeah those are the three most important things in your life? Kevin, Emily. You need the latest information on it. Need the latest information on those three things. Like, some sort of incredibly fucked up Batman.

You're like, Alfred, I need you to run a search on these three topics. She's updated at all times. I'm not seeing the connection. You don't need to. Alfred, where's the Jill Scott file? Again, sir. I need to study this alone. I should put it in something.

Oh my God. It's the FAP cave. I hate you. We all knew that's where that was going. Yeah, but it's right there. I had to do it. It's a big shiny red button. All right, hold on.

What is the most recent email alert you've gotten for the heist notification? Hmm. That's a good question. Let me look. Let me look. email notification for heist. Let's see. What is Jill Scott up to?

A new album coming. Yep. Yep. Let's see. Almost $10 million stolen in crypto heist. Okay. That could be any day. No.

That can be any day. That doesn't narrow it down at all. Also, it might be, that might mean $6. I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. $9.7 million worth of Ethereum in this case. Okay. Give me.

LAPD cracks Nike sneaker heist ring. Okay. After uncolor. A little better. Also, of speculative value, I would argue. What are they doing with the sneakers? Can I get? Super Snap Googling police auction nightkees.

Does this, do they, are they on stock X? This one. This one is stealing $675,000 worth of beer in Houston. That's what I'm talking about. That's the high sweep. Those are the kind of high sweeper. quite frankly 375 pallets of beer

this is my favorite one that I have gotten which is a second suspect has been tracked down in a skip scanning heist at the villages I think stealing from

old people is legal and you should just continue doing it without any sort of those specific old people yes yeah the village you should be allowed to steal anything at the villages

wouldn't that lead to societal chaos Yes, the purge of heists. It's just end up with like, cool, I have 25 golf carts now. That's it. Yeah. I have 19 copies of Michael McDonald's Motown covers album. The richest man whole world.

Yeah. All right, what is this game you want us to play? I would like to take every starting. Vap store heist. Sorry. Yes. Villages heist. Actually, I'm going to read the names and addresses of people in the villages. Okay, sure. If you get to my

On my signal, let the games begin Yes What's the game? I return to you. I return to you Some shit Old people Are Jets!

In my signal Old Wait for the golf carts to like crest the hill How many solo flexes can one man use. Let's find out. I am going to take every starting NFL quarterback.

All of them. We're going to. There were like 40 last year, so good luck. We're going to, well, I'm going to take one for each franchise. Okay. Okay. Sorry, Joe Flacco. So Desmond Ritter's still around.

Yeah. Well, I said professional quarterbacks. We're not going to worry about the Falcons. Okay. Thank you. Wait, does that mean we as a college team get a professional quarterback now? Yeah. Okay, great.

Finally. Yeah, yeah. We're just going to take them and we're going to assign them to a team where we think that they would fit best, where it would be most harmonious, where they would really, where they could make a difference, you know, to the kids. So colleges get to draft. You know, we're just going to assign them. So I will start, for instance, for instance, we'll use our first one as an example. The Baltimore Ravens currently have at starting quarterback, Heisman Trophy winner, Lamar Jackson.

He played for Louisville when he was in college. We're going to reassign him. If he's going to come back down, have his own little personal episode of old school, his own little Maradonna on the way down playing for second team Buenos Aires teams, right? Like that's what I'm doing here. where are we going to put Lamar?

Where would we re-home Lamar in the college world for his golden years? Where would 35-year-old Lamar Jackson pull up to an $1,100 a month off-campus apartment and say, here, my PlayStation goes here? So he'll be 35 in like 20 years, the two-time NFL MVP at the age of 15 currently. Please don't send him to Arkansas. He's already done his time with Bobby Petrino. I think you should say, I understand you don't want to send him back to Louisville, and I'm fine with that. I do think he should stay ACC. I think there is some value in like, you know, go back to where...

So Stanford. God, that's so weird. It's never not, no, it's never going away. It's never going away. The day the fucking video game comes out, putting everyone back. I have reordering. the world as I like. I am a return with a V guy as soon as that game comes out.

Just pulling off the mask. The West has fallen and I will fix it by putting SMU back where it belongs. So I like the conference idea, though. Miami is in some ways an obvious choice. Like, you can give them sort of a taste. Like, if only, if only you've done this. Yeah. It might be where he'd choose, like, getting to go home.

100%. uh i think that has some appeal um can i talk you into a virginia tech i could do that yeah that would be i think that would be fun i mean he uh michael vick lamar jackson same school yeah what about imagine the highlight packages georgia tech yeah and we're bringing back the option georgia tech's a pretty interesting choice they they could they could use it no everyone's still good people are still going to the game is in Black, in Blacksburg. Nobody's going to. Yeah, they could use it. He could also, you know, I like the symmetry of, like, the Falcons decided they didn't want

Lamar Jackson, but instead he's going to go to Georgia Tech. It immediately changes, at least for the short term, the tenor of the Georgia, Georgia, Georgia Tech rivalry. Like, I don't think they can just be, like, easy win. They're like, ah, fuck, we've got to play Lamar Jackson. That sucks. Yeah, I like that. I can go with server's suggestion.

I can go with Georgia Tech. Okay. Okay. I like this. I'm in control. Server controls the board. Serber, your assignment, if you so choose. Rob the villages.

Is Josh Allen of the Buffalo Bills. Where are you sending our big beautiful bro? Some place where he can roam free. play golf not wear pants for years on end um it's

this is the same division or this is the same conference thing again but Boise State stared out on the blue field okay I like that somewhat and

and Boise State's return to greatness I also think Josh Allen would be great at San Diego State I think I think we're all kind of on the same vibe here. I was going to suggest that he might want to consider. He might want to consider it. He might want to because I know he was cold.

And he played in a place where he really wasn't allowed to sort of, I think, enjoy all of the fruits of his labor. And that's not going to be the case if my brother, he goes to Arizona State. Mm-hmm. Yeah, definite, I would say. bro tendencies. Nothing. Nothing. I don't have, of course.

If Josh Allen played at Texas, what on earth would Sark cook up for him? He would let him do some crazy shit. Some fucked up shit. 100%. I mean, and it goes beyond let because, like, I don't know if you can stop him from doing some. Sure. The NFL can't.

He's going to do what he's going to do. One sort of element in all of this is the notion that any of these players are going to be coached. Yeah, there is that. That doesn't work for me, brother. Yeah. There may be a couple on this list, by the way, that you'll say maybe they would be coached. Okay. Can we send the most, how about chaotic good quarterback to Iowa?

Where they don't want quarterbacks doing a goddamn thing. Who is the most chaotic good quarterback? Josh Allen. Yeah, that's a great eye. that's a great idea he has the most i saw a stat that he has the most picks and like the last three seasons in the NFL or something crazy like that those are just there's like extra punts yeah yeah yeah he's the quarterback who comes with punts preloaded suddenly iowa is uh every play is must watch as it is now currently no plays are must watch my only objection is if you if you send if you send josh allen to iowa they're just going to be like we're just going to be like we're running him 45 times. We're throwing six pass.

We're throwing six passes. He's good with that. With a 37-year-old man. His knees are going to be toast in three years, easy. I get to trample teenagers. Let's do it. I would also argue that Kirk Cousins is the most spiritually Iowa NFL quarterback in some ways. Yeah, but we're definitely not.

We're definitely not sending him to Iowa, though. Is that a keymaster gatekeeper situation? It's too potent. Okay. Okay. I think that would turn Kirk Cousins evil Slightly more evil Like grandiosely evil

Right like the omen Yeah Right yeah Kirk cousins and Kirk Farrants just become one Kirk Oh no you made mega Kirk Bring us milk So

I am going to Continue a spiritual path that I think he's embarked on long ago to be everyone's ideal quarterback in all things to all men by moving to Cincinnati Bengals Joe Burrow. Joe Burrow, I'm going to go ahead and say that he has

already covered the Midwest. He's already covered the South in the form of Louisiana. And I think we need to move Joe where we need champions. We need them to get back on the map in full. They've come close, very, very close. But I

think that given how good he looks in a beanie, I'm going to put him back at University of Washington. Huh. Okay. I thought you were going to go Oregon. I thought you were going to USC. Okay.

He does kind of look like a USC quarterback. But is that, no, no, no. He's had a successful NFL career, so that's not true. His paler speaks Seattle to me. We've never seen how the former NFL career translates to being a USC quarterback. You're right. You notice, you know, yeah, exactly. If you're going to want, if you want NFL success at USC, you're going to have to pipe it in.

It's not coming out very proven. I guess the other most recently successful USC quarterback also played for the Bengals, so I can go with that. Also, this is when Joe Burrow has his unfortunate flirtation with acting. I could see USC. That would work. But honestly, Joe Burrow, massive achievement being a man who's pale no matter how much time he spends in the sun. When 33-year-old Joe Burrow takes the field in Columbus. for a conference game.

It's going to be a lot of this feeling. Ohio State made him. I like that claim as if it's like he's, he was sourced here. He's built of Ohio State products. Hey, that's where they got the materials for.

The assembly line is here. That man is made of Wendy's. I mean, same. It's true. Sure. He's more frosty than bad. That's why we're the equal caliber of athlete.

Yeah. That's why my body's worth different prices depending on the time of day. It's Wendy's surge pricing. Just downstream effects. Let's see. No, we're not doing the Browns. Next. The Denver Broncos

Who do you want to go through this? Which young, are being bummed out by having to listen to Russell Wilson. We're now entering the face where you have to identify who a team's starting quarterback is. And I don't think the Denver Broncos know this answer us. So I'm very excited to see what you say. They don't. I'm going to go with, right? I'm going to go with the funnier option. Okay. And the funnier option here is Russell Wilson because Russell Wilson is always the

funnier option. And I don't mean slapstick funny. No, I mean cringe. Right. cringe humor uh it starts with russell wilson so where russell by the way already a two stopper on the college circuit so on the way back down where's russ going to be inspiring and networking who are the who are the cringe humor kings of college football uh um brian tely the texas a and m yell leaders that's the answer they are the cring so so russ russ would be a great aggie Russ would be he's already got like a very culty feel to him already 12th man adjacent Yes like I think Russ would be a perfect Aggie good God Yes given the 12 different people he's already pretended to be he would be like like like Broncos nation let's ride is is delivered in the exact same cadence as he as a Minda eel joke

Also some overlap in certain political type beliefs oh he does want to be president so really and really and A&M is a great place to start. For the full pivot, right? Can't you just see him being like, hey, listen, man, all I want to do is, you know, help these guys succeed and really sort of show everybody what I think limited government can do. Yeah. Like, what? Is this how Sierra's like, I'm not moving there. I don't think that's happening.

I will live in Dallas. We have a- He's going to be in Dallas or Houston. Yeah. So yeah, boy, that was almost terrifyingly easy. Yep. Yep. By the way, the other option was Jared Sted. We'll just send it back to Auburn.

He'll be the only person we'll give a waiver. He could just go back. Anybody can go back to Auburn because it's not real. That's right. That's right. It's the brigadoon of college football. It's the ultimate waypoint. Yes.

Next, the Houston Texans with C.J. Stroud. I'm going to send C.J. Stroud back to Georgia. so he can win a title okay because he sure couldn't hit ohio state yeah yeah not nice that i mean that so like this is cj stroud in like 16 years not right now yeah yeah still i would imagine uh a lot of bids coming in in georgia like the lansom think of c j stroud's game by the way he will be playing forever Like, this is not, C.J. Stroud is not a dude who is, like, the words, the word scrambler is not really even close to the, like, that's a pocket dude. He's going to be doing this barring terrible injury forever. He's going to be wrecking people. Okay. Yeah. 52, Georgia. Got it. Yep. Yep. That's it. Back, he'll, he'll play so long that Georgia will go through another fallow period, right?

Oh, Kirby heard that. Yeah. Yeah. So, both you did it. There it is. Motivation hater. February 27th, the disrespect is here. 35 more years of Georgia dominance because Spencer Hall. Just currie's head. Spencer Hall, talk shit about the dogs. All hopped up on Dan Enos here. Secret backroom weapon, Dan Eanos.

Yes. He don't even have room for him in the inventory. He can only be a secret weapon. because his threat has decidedly pointed actually his threat points the other way Dan Enos is the gun that points backwards Dan Enos point towards target yeah he's a Claymore

a poorly labeled Claymore Indianapolis Colts Anthony Richardson Can we just totally squander the incredible athleticism Can we send him somewhere where Oh yeah Just not going to be

not going to be deployed. Absolutely. What you got? We've already used Iowa, but there's the whole rest of the Big Ten West, so just anywhere, anywhere in there. Actually, I don't even know what the Big Ten West is now. So, Nebraska. Nebraska, they can squander anything. It's nothing against Anthony Richardson.

No. Just a situational call. Sold! Jacksonville Jaguars Trevor Lawrence. Trevor Lawrence. Well, um... Please imagine. by the way, the inner dirt bag that will be revealed by retirement era, Trevor Lawrence.

Are we keeping him teal? Are we going coastal Carolina? Like, in my mind, he's gone full, full Terry, like bald on top, hair around the sides. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, it's a little thinner. Yeah. At least he's kind of got a skullet going. Yeah. Yeah. Brother, you know what that's saying? You know what that's saying to me? Texas Tech. Let's put him out there, baby.

It's a dry county out there. when I'm around brother I keep it wet Jesus Christ the skull it keeps it wet the Duval the Duval is just going to get into his bloodstream like permanently it's already there

I spent 15 years in Jacksonville then I moved to Lubbock What'd you want The opposite See The opposite of Jacksonville The sights of Clemson and Jacksonville I just had to find an even

Here's my weird bankruptcy story. Hey, the feds won't find you out here. I can tell you that. They don't want to. Yeah, they don't want, nobody wants to drive out here. I owe $840,000 to the IRS. You think they're driving their

ass out here in the way? You can only get served with the subpoena by a bat in Lubbock, so. This is Trevor Lawrence, four wives, two bankruptcies and one's spectacular PD case later. I'm so fucking sick of looking at bridges.

Moving to Lubbock, Texas. Hey, man, listen, I thought that pool supply company was a sure thing. I thought it was a sure thing. It was a vending machine. Yeah, well, you know, you don't want to go in the pool supply store. I thought in the airport, people would need myriatic acid. I don't know what you know. You tell me how myriatic acid at discount can go wrong.

So if these former NFL players perform really well in college, can they be redrafted? to. Oh, boy. Not Trevor. He can't go back legally. Legally, dirtbag Trevor. We can't go back to Jacksonville. Right. He can't go back to YS. We've still got five one at stars. I understand. There's tanks and shit.

Roger Cadell have a lot of cash tied up in that myriatic acid concern. Yeah. But perhaps he could go elsewhere. And he's petty, too. It's old and petty. All right. Next, an intriguing one. The Kansas City Chiefs, Patrick Mahomes.

Wow. Who's going to be like 47? Yeah. 12 Super Bowl victories. Let's think about Patrick's needs at this point in life. Okay. Victory is not a concern for him. He's had it.

He's out of all. He's got like nine Super Bowls. I really want to hear Patrick Mahomes in his 47-year-old Kenny Power's voice talking about the greatness of the She's going to wolverings. Oh, we're coming back to be the, after becoming the best NFL quarterback, he's coming back to become the best Michigan quarterback. Yep.

That's really good. It's also definitely the opposite of the Texas Tech experience. You're going to throw the ball four times a game. That's it. We're going to win. That's right. Also, I really can't wait to listen to Michigan, Lum's complain about Jackson.

Oh, also he'll do this just to say, he'll do this just to put another thumb in Brady's eye. Just be like, look how they look. Hey, Tom, they love me. Listen. I want a title there. You didn't. How are your kids? Oh, they don't talk to you.

They love me. Hey, Tom, look, I'm actually starting in college. Did you, did you know that, did you know that, that, that, that, that Patrick Mahomes is, is Polly. Cameras. Yeah, it's just to get it, Brady. That's it. It's him, his wife and

Giselle. They're just all good with each other. I'm with Bridget Boydahan. And I'm staying. I'm collecting them all. Just Andy Reid on his couch going, go Pat. Good job, buddy. Bring me some nuggies. Las Vegas Raiders, Aiden O'Connell. Okay.

Jesus. Yeah, I know, I know. I know. But let's just assume that Aiden is, you know, sensible he wants this is like maybe three years from now yes that's not anything against Aden that's just a Raiders thing

yeah he's got Raiders all over him he does it's no cream can get that out of your skin and the Saints can only tolerate so many former X Raiders on their salary also if you remember where did Aiden go to school Aiden went to Purdue

yeah so okay and then he went from Purdue and was thrown into the fires of Las Vegas. Okay, so my man's going to need something calm. He's going to need something stable. He's going to need someplace close to a dark sky territory. Boston College. Yeah.

Where? Boston College. We just did it. There you go. The scary skies of Boston. Do you want to go someplace where you can just play football and nobody will care? It's too easy for me to just listen to a Boston accent. say Aiden O'Connell.

Which is Pete Thamble giving us breathless updates on Aiden O'Connell. Oh, yeah. How do NFL reporters handle this whole scheme of, like, people leaving the NFL to go to college? This is just, does not compute. Nope, does not compute. No, the conditions just, they're terrible in the NFL right now. It's easy. It's easy.

They care so much about the game that they want to go make it better. Right. They are going to be the ones to fix college football. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. The NFL is doing right, but it's poor little brother. Having seen the injustice that is NIL. All right.

Justin Herbert of the Los Angeles Chargers. Remember, played at Oregon cannot go back to Oregon. I don't think we should make Justin Herbert play more football after he's done with the Chargers. I think by the time he's done with the Chargers, we should say Justin Herbert can be done with football. You have served. You've done your time, sir. Are we putting him in the Jake Plummer? You could go play handball categories.

Yeah, you could go open a vape store. Or you can, whatever, man. Oh, perfect, perfect. Then he can do the J.R. Smith thing. North Carolina A&T as a golfer. Sure. Oh, man, HBCU baseball too. Yeah, yeah, this is great, yeah.

Okay, so North Carolina A&T, Justin Herbert. A&T, Eastports. Golf, golf specifically, yes. Golf, e-sports. Golf and Eastport. Playing the Tiger Woods. I'm a dual sport athlete. Eastlet

Miami Dolphins Tuah Tungaviloa Tula Lua Tua Marliloa Mera It goes to erase all of his

brother's records in Maryland I'm sold No debate We're advancing this motion They're moving to the next one They still like go eight and four

To be clear Oh yeah yeah Yeah Okay We have precedent for this already, so I'm going to invoke it again. This franchise benched a player for another player. I think it's much

funnier if we used the benched player and you will see why. Mack Jones! Oh, God. Mac Jones. Where are we sending Mac a million Jones? So we've already

used... Again, this might be in two years. So we've already used Bill O'Brien's current location. Let's send her to do. God, this is a good. Look at him. I just think he has like a real Duke quality too. Just fucking look at him.

Yeah. We can tell people he's Daniel Jones's brother. It's fine. You mean free tickets to the lacrosse game? Did people do that with the last name Jones? Are you related to? Wait, I knew a Smith. It's a great call.

Great call, guys. Like, if you're bad at Duke, they're going to be fine with it. It's not the same thing as being a bad Patriots quarterback. Like, it'll be fine. It's not going to matter. All right. I like this. I like this.

It's a kindness. Oh, brother. We're there. You ready? We're there. The New York Jets, Aaron Rogers. Oh, man. Somewhere with a lot of information.

Yeah. A lot of them. Man, I'm glad he's not going to Lubbock. That would have been too dangerous. What school would be most annoyed by how much he wants to talk? Like, who is the most info-controly school at this? USC is one of them. The MAMA.

Bama has traditionally, yeah, yeah. Aaron Rogers to Bama would be so bad. Bama's quarterback with his weekly 30 minutes on sports, Alex Jones. just him just showing up and showing up to that like sports bar right and having to tell a room full of people yeah you know like um if you just smear enough rosemary on your feet you won't get the plague it's real there's one school i think might hate this more and that's Notre Dame I really don't think Notre Dame wants any piece of Aaron Rogers talking on the radio for an hour every week Notre Dame started quarterback has gone on a two month fart journey to discover more about whatever I mean people there is a Catholic convert with opinions about some shit

that happened in 1442 that we've had a trad cap absolutely that's an adult convert Jaredcaps stage Jesus keep a joke that every pope since 1419 has been illegitimate

they're AIs, they're all AIs they are I just like an originalist approach to the Constitution that's so when I was sitting in my fart cave what I discovered thank you for

thank you for introducing us to the concept of Aaron Rogers fart yurt that's what he did what are you going to do just going to sit with my farts for a while first of all the DaVinci code is real

I just want to like put that right out on front it was given to me that Professor Dan Brown, I think, is the source for that. So I've decided that here at Notre Dame, we're Protestant now. But by which I mean, we protest stuff. This is all too real and I hate it.

This is great. Ooh, I like this one. Here we go. Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm going to go with Kenny Pickett. Can't keep shipping him back and forth across the facility. Can't go back to Pitt. Yeah.

No, he cannot go back to Pitt. one of the rules we have here as tempting as the thought might be Penn State I need to just keep the I need the Pennsylvania triple crown I'm going to go to Temple then I'm going to go to Penn State

I'm looking up has any player ever played for Penn State Temple and Pittsburgh I don't think so nobody's ever nobody's ever pulled off the cholesterol all trifecta of playing for all three.

Yeah. Mostly because there is a significant segment of the population that once you say like, okay, he's no longer a steeler, they're like, oh, thank God. It's like, now he's Penn State's starting quarterback, they're like, oh, fuck. God damn it.

Shit. Tennessee Titans and Will Levis. Will Levis. I have an answer, by the way. All of this time spent around all of those Bachelorette parties, the last thing he's going to want to do is to hang around a single other woman. He's going to go to a service academy where the numbers are significantly skewed towards men.

Air Force? Yeah, like, what is the one? Yeah, where's the most? Where is he's just like, I just want to hang with my bros for a while. It's got to be right. Air Force is the answer. No, because how does Will Levis fit into what Army runs? Doesn't matter.

He's like, I'm here for some cardio. If the whole point is he's deeply sexist now. yeah he's seen the worst he's seen the worst that humanity can bring in the form of a lady which is a bachelor party in nashville weird so will love us to liberty yes we'll love us to get i don't want to think about how hard that's actually coming yeah that's that's on the way um now we're into the nfc oh fuck i'm so sorry that ain't good the cauldron you thought that was weird that was nothing Desmond Ritter because I don't want to

I don't want to dwell on these Desmond Ritter So Desmond Ritter has Florida transfer written all over him So we're sending him to Florida and then bouncing somewhere else Yeah

We'll just see where he goes Yes Desmond Ritter is a Desmond Ritter I'm going to go ahead At which point he'll be awesome I'm going to put him on that Yeah I'm going to put him on that Jacobi Brisset path

We're just going to put them to Boston College and then to NC State. I think that's right. He'll just ping around for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I love this one. Arizona Cardinals, Kyler Murray.

Let's see. We use Georgia Tech. College e-sports champs would be. Yeah, where's the... Baby, I'm here to do two sports. That's actually Boise. Is it? They're really good.

I know Boise State is really, really, really good at e-sports because they got in early on, I think. Can we send Kyler Murray to the Mac? Can we send Kyler Murray somewhere or to the set? Would he be big? Yeah, we're just like, we don't care. We don't care that you're 5'9.

Like, you're welcome here. Short kings are kings. It is so hard to find, which... It is, I found one. It is Miami of Ohio is... There you go. Miami of Ohio. Yep, there you go.

They're the number one esports. This is according to best colleges.com. top 10 college varsity e-sports programs Sounds legit Three programs Including varsity teams So actually

I think Hardstone and Overwatch I think we were onto something here Everything is lining up What we said about the Mac and a Mac program I'm looking at a list

Via nerdstreet.com Whatever that is The best Esports program That is also an FBS program Is Akron So we were We were on to something here

Okay Okay So we're going to send him to Miami of Ohio yeah Miami of Ohio I feel bad because he might not want anything to do with football once this is over

but we're going to go ahead and reverse draft him back to college anyway where he was very successful Bryce Young of the Carolina Panthers I think if we gave Bryce Young this path he might retire tomorrow we can allow that do we think he would just

nope fuck it hate it here Bryce Young has retired. Next, the Chicago Bears, Justin Fields. Let's send Justin Fields to Clemson. That feels like a good old school, like, turn the screw in Georgia

a little bit. It's not going to work. Can we send him literally home to Kennesaw State? Okay. Yeah, thank you. Send him home. You never asked for anything on behalf of the Owls, so I think that's fine. Thank you. Yeah, we'll grant you Justin Fields. Also, I'm pretty sure Justin Fields,

who, if you have not followed him as a professional, has had some of the most balls out honest press conferences I've ever seen I don't mean being a dick I mean him just being like you know I mean a football doesn't work out I mean that's what the Bears does he's basically said like I play for the Bears come on this is it my fault not just it's not just I play for the Bears

it's I'm a Bears quarterback you can be almost anything else for the Bears and be like this is pretty sweet Bears quarterback is a doomed path for everyone yeah he's very he's very emotionally immature when it comes to how much of the blame he's going to shoulder. And I don't mean that in terms of

Leon can't do it alone. No one who's walked this path has lived up to Eric Kramer. That's what being a Bears quarterback means. He knows. He knows. Right? So yeah, Kenneth Law State. Congratulations.

Thank you. Justin Fields. This next one, I'm shuddering to think of what we might have to do to find the right place for him. Dak, Prescott. Dack. Ole Miss. Like, in some of them, you just make, you just make the most troublesome decision, and you just

put them on Ole Miss. That's right. Also, if you want to play for a deranged boss at the college level, who more so than Old Miss boosters? You know? You're like, hey, who's your boss? The other thing is, like, I actually do think if you did this, old Miss fans would be like, Fuck, yeah.

There would be no, like, oh, no, he's one of them. They would just be like, yeah, you're a rep now. I think the other flip that you'd see. Don't practice your dog pee. The other flip you'd see is after years of the Ole Miss fan saying, like, oh, actually he sucks. The instant that guy walks in the door. Holy shit, we got a fucking big ass quarterback.

He did so much for the Cowboys. They don't appreciate him. Man, he's got that big head, too. So I hope he kind of grows into it. So by the time he gets to Ole Miss, he's like 280. You know, no scrambling whatsoever. Just, hold up, boys. I ain't going to run today on account of my lumbago.

All right. Tramishay don't move side to side. Yeah, you think artillery sprints? No, it just goes boom. The Detroit lines, Jared Gough. That's Cal graduate. Jared Gough. Actually, I don't know if you graduated, but he definitely attended.

Cal participant. Cal participant. So staying in the ACC. Oh, Jared Gough feels very Florida State to me. Yeah? Yeah? Well, like, basically we could run Chris Winky back. Just vibes.

Just like he's got FSU vibes. And I don't even necessarily mean that in a negative way. Just like, I could see Jared Gough being like, oh, I love it here. This is great. I want Jared Gough to go to someplace with a student body that's going to be the opposite of Berkley's. You know? Florida State. Yeah.

DeSold. Florida State. What are you guys protesting? Yeah, man, the Chipotle's clothes. No, again, it's Wendy Serge pricing. Hey, this is tyranny. So what are you guys protesting? They don't sell Zins here anymore.

You need to bring that shit back. Bring back Maxim magazine. This is a hot. hospital. Yeah, they used to sell Zin. You know what? You think surgeons run on goodwill? Hell no. The governor said hospitals have to sales in.

You might have. You might have. I don't know. That totally could have happened. The Pack and Freedom Act of 2028 demands it. I. Allstate buildings most sells Zanin guns.

I Harvard Law graduate George P. Pandarok of Newport Ritchie do want to protect our valuable freedoms with utter sincerity by passing this here Zin protection law

which states that pediatricians must sells in a thing I definitely believe. Jared Gavov, who famously didn't know which way the sunset would come to Florida and be like,

holy shit, these people are dumb as hell. He's like, Jared Goff might go there and become the smartest person in the state instantly. It's idioticry. His future in politics

just set when they're like, listen, man, these people will vote for anything. He's too verbose that Jared Goff. He makes him feel stupid. I don't trust him.

He knows what words mean. Yeah, but I know how important. Zins aren't everybody He's got a kid Zinn Boo Um Next

The Green Bay Packers Jordan Love Jordan Love You see I'll send him back He had to wait Yeah For the fart man to leave

This is So let's just agree This is a ways off This is a ways off Okay We can We'll just dismiss Jordan Love

Because it would be mean It would be mean at this point do that to him. Okay. Ooh, I like this one. The Los Angeles Rams,

Matthew Stafford. That's Super Bowl winner. Matthew. Damn, now I'm mad we used up the FSU slot because, oh. So the only thing

anyone really remembers about his college here is a photo of him and a keg. Like, yeah, there were some football games and he threw a lot. Wisconsin?

Shazoo? I think, Matt, I think, I want you to just imagine Matt Stafford positioning himself in a post-playing career in a place where he could drink beer

become a lackluster Republican state senator and eventually representative Wisconsin would be perfect Arizona State would also work for this I was going to say he does the Phil Jackson thing and he's like I'm UCLA's quarterback but only for home games I don't travel I'm not going on the road Wyoming

Wyoming would let him do that I feel like, yeah. Or how's this? For Wyoming, it's like, it's cold. I'm only playing on the road. Y'all come find me. You'll come find me. Yeah, I'll meet you there.

I want the points. I'm booking my own travel. Yeah. He'll be middle age, so, like, firmly middle age, so, like, he'll be. He'll definitely be counting the points at that point. I go to sleep at eight. I like it.

Okay. Next. Oh, boy. The Minnesota Vikings, Kirk Cousins. Here we go. Kirk Cousins of Yukon. Kirk Cousins would be beloved at Yukon. He would be.

So there we go. Kirk Cousins to Yukon, where he can join whatever crazy-ass church he wants, and they'll just be like, eh. It's fine. I feel like West Connecticut probably has some weird shit. Oh, definitely. It's just Kentucky. It's just Kentucky with nutmeg.

Yeah. You say that with the level of authority. I'm not sure you have. That was quick. I've spent enough time in Connecticut. Okay. Enough. Okay.

I am probably the most Connecticut experienced of anyone on this podcast. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No question. No dispute there. Yeah. So I will just say, it's a whole lot of Kentucky. Danorlovsky, fight Spencer.

Nut makes a little too spicy for him. Let's go for the New Orleans Saints. Derek Carr. Derek Carr. Where are we sending Derek Carr on his way down? I think based on Derek Carr's NFL experience, he needs to go somewhere where he won't be loved and where everyone will just wish he was somebody better or different.

Yeah, and he needs to go to some place where he's very, very churchy, so he's going to want to go to someplace where he can spread the word, where he's needed. He's going to go to someplace with a bunch of infidels and heathens. So we're sending him to, so like he's just staying back to UNLV or staying in Tulane or, you know, I think Tulane is probably the right go there. God, God. He'd be fine there. He'd be fine. Mm-hmm. You know, so yes, Tulane.

Derrick Carr to Tulane. Oh, this is a good one. The New York Giants own Daniel Jones, where we sent it him? Also Duke. God. All the Jones, the Jones boys reunited. Jones gang riding on the way to

5 and 7 The Jonesman To become a Jonesman One must pass a series Of tests First Name this white wine If you don't you will die

The Philadelphia Eagles Jalen Hertz Well he's already been to all the colleges He did It's true. Once you play for Bama, you've done it. You've done it.

So he's played for two SEC schools. So you go for a third? Yeah, let's... Tennessee. Dude, Jalen would do so... What does he fit in the... What do I just see him fitting there? Yeah.

He's cool as hell, man. He just wants to lift. Be handsome. Just like me. I like our quarterback. He's real fucking big. He's strong. What do you like about him, dude?

Yeah, about his personality. He's strong. That's not a person. personality trait. Who says it? He got big legs. Fucking look at him. You're going to tell Zedrona Saviscus that that ain't a part of his personality?

A lot of country boys trying to find ways to say like, God, he's so fucking pretty. Hey, man, listen, my wife, my wife perks up when he's around. They have to filter it through. I know a woman who thinks he's beautiful. Yeah. He walks in the room, boy, them panties start dropping, including mine. Wait, can I say that? I'm telling you, my big and tall drawers were on the ground.

My checkerboard, orange and white pants that I... My overalls are on the saline. My target... Listen, man, my target three-for-ones were in orbit. My long johns were flat. On the floor. He's pretty. Y'all trying to shy away from it.

I don't know. well, I ain't going to lie. Just him and Knoxville would just kill it. Oh my God. Imagine the Waggles sponsorship. Hey man, I bought three jugs eggnog last week. It ain't even December. It just had to do with smile.

Have you seen it? It's like God's headlights. Andy Strong. Eddie Strong. Some strong. So strong. You know, I bet he does five by three. The San Francisco 49ers, Brock Purdy.

I want to preface this pick by saying this. I would love it if Brock Purdy had a 15-year career of the NFL, and we still had a debate over whether he was good or not. Yeah, that's what's going to happen. Where is the school that this happens the most, where we're like, we're not sure if any of these quarterbacks. Oh, no, it is Ohio State, actually. Brock Purdy to Ohio

I'm gonna say Brock Purdy Look at him Brock Yeah Yeah That man That man belongs in Columbus Right

Yeah That's it Preferably to hand off to a bunch of skill players And then get all the credit for it Which would be not too dissimilar I was gonna say Ohio State is a place where it's like Well look at all the talent

I'm surrounded by I don't know You know Pretty pretty good coaches Like I don't know So it's like Brock your job is to be normal The job is to not do anything weird And Brock's like, ah, I don't think so.

But don't worry, he's bringing with him. Ohio State head coach, Kyle Shadahan. Oh, God. That's a hat. You're trying to tell the Ohio State. Ohio State wants to hire an offensive-minded coach. You can't win the big one. Who will only lose one game, but it's the championship.

Ohio State fans are like, I like the cut of his hat. I think he needs more hat. Yeah, this. Oh, my God. I want this to happen so bad. It's not implausible. Yeah, also they'd be like, oh, we hired a smart head coach. Great.

Great. Now we're fucked. Fucking nerd. Why didn't we hire Vrabel? We need a fucking dumb ass in here. Do you know how good Mike Vrable would be in? If it stomp people, it'd be incredible. It would be great.

Because, well, he's actually secret smart, but he's smart enough to never let anyone know that he's smart, right? You feel like, hey, Mike Vrable, this IQ test showed that you're just like a genius. No, it didn't. I'm gonna eat it. I can't even read that number. Don't too high. Where too high.

I'm picturing like a Harbaugh, Michigan. But like the whole team is wacky, not just the head coach. Harbaugh, Michigan, but with more, like, with more grundle, like, with more. Yes. Because he gets to keep it because he hasn't ever made the Super Bowl. That's right. Like, he gets to keep it. Also, just like more ball grabbing.

I just, yeah, there's just more of that. It's like, what are you going to bring to the team variable? Hard-nosed, good defense. Big balls. Big balls. Mine and yours. Both of them in my hands. Exactly.

You know, I'm going to emphasize ball handling. On the field? It'll look like Nolan Ryan holding all my no hitters. He'd be so like I'm actually talking myself into this. I think it's fucking awesome. Yeah, no, this would be like, man, go bucks. This is great. You know what?

It is a brand. If nothing else. No, he's the coach that nobody would hire because he's too physically intimidating. Remember, that was the leaked rumor, right? Coach too big, which should have been the sign that he should have gone to. You're like the dream is I want to be too big Our coach is too overwhelmingly masculine and powerful We can't fire

Coach Conan the Barbarian He coach 28 years because we were too afraid of his sword It's got kingpin Fred coach It's not about the money Michigan man Lumbus talking about, this city is mine. What does that mean? What I do, I do for this city. It's like, this city?

I can walk into any convenience store and just take a can of dip. I can just take it. They don't even say no. They, they know. Hot and cold, monster energy drink on tap. He's a really good coach. Do it. Do it.

Do it. I think you can fire Ryan Day tomorrow and hire my fucking friend. Nobody would object. That's the sick part. Chip Kelly would stay. He would.

He'd be like, hey, I just asked Dave. You want to stay on? Chip would be. I'm terrified of this man. I can't leave. If I least he might come after me.

Be like, it's your choice. Chip would be like, it is not my choice as to whether I leave. And Frayb will be like, that's right. It's literally grabbing my balls. Right now, it's not my choice.

They'd love it. They'd be like, who? Don't remember that guy. Brabs. Fribs! Next, the Seattle Seahawks, Gino Smith. Gino Smith attended West Virginia University as an undergraduate. But on his way down, where are we sending?

So he has thrown a lot of. passes as a as a college quarterback yeah we're saying in retirement we're going to need to ice that joint hand off yeah let's dial it down so we've already used the service academies are already used Nebraska already use Miami of Ohio

shit next up is Rutgers that's fine he's lived in the area yeah probably probably still got an apartment there or something right a condo yeah okay I like it I like it also you know what he's been pretty successful everywhere

where he's gone despite the profiles of the programs. Yeah, I like this. I mean, I don't want to put Rutgers on him, but this is a great deal. No, it's fine. It has like a good vintage Big East vibe to it. Yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah.

Also, his name's Gino. Gino. Names Gino playing for team in Jersey. I think that's going to fly. It's about time we had an authentic Italian quarterback. Fucking love Gino. He's Italian. Can't prove he's not.

Let's see. Next up, we have... Tampa? Nope, yep, Tampa. We have... Baker's on the move again? Baker is on the move again. Where are we going to send Baker Mayfield,

who I anticipate will be making this choice in two years? Baker Mayfield has thrived in Florida in a way that he did not thrive Like he wasn't that bad in Cleveland But he seems happier In Florida so I think we should keep him local So ew He's one of those people who enjoys Florida

He's UCF Baker Mayfield is a UCS quarterback I was saying USF but wow So I will agree on the U and the F With a letter in between Now which one it is Will be determined by whether Baker Mayfield is himself more compatible

with these things so let's see he already plays his USF Stadium he does he is fond of dances that he can sort of do can kind of do that feels more Tampa than Orlando

that feels some leaning Tampa okay yeah but plays a shitload of video games which could go either way but we're going to lean slightly more Orlando he has like a shit talking quality that is more UCF than

USF, I would argue. Yeah. Yeah, as a college team, not as a town. Yes, yes. Not a locality thing. Is he the kind of guy who's like, yeah, you know, I mean, you could live by the water, but you know, like Orlando just has so much to off. It's, yeah, fuck, that's Baker. Yeah.

Yeah, the kind of guy who is like, yeah, you're talking yourself into all kinds of things in life. Yeah, Baker Mayfield. The Applebee's membership really pays, for itself you know what summer's here aren't that bad

they're really not I just stay at Costco the whole time and it's fine yeah you know I mean you just stay indoors it's fine

Baker Mayfield walking around Disney a stormtrooper says halt and he's like fuck you nobody tells Baker Mayfield arrested

for fighting a stormtrooper so you know all the animals they have are real you mean at the Animal Kingdom he's like Oh, all the rides, too.

All of them. Yeah. Those country bears, they're singing. They can sing. Like, Country Bear talk. Baker Mayfield arrested for fighting country bears. Yeah, the arrest really puts him back towards Tampa again. Maybe he just lives on I-4.

It's sure, maybe I just live somewhere. Sure. Yeah. But, yeah, we'll award him. We'll award him music. Joint custody. Yeah. No one team can hold him down.

Yeah. Also, also. we're going to need him a hand off a lot so Gus I need you to get the run first offense back

going because Gus would hate him so much he would he'd absolutely bench him yeah which again

that's fine we can set this up that's fine as a piece of fan fiction here finally on the way back down the Washington

commander starter Sam not that far down yeah not that far down no no Sam Howell

Sam Howell kind of a wild card of a quarterback what a conclusion he is really saved the best for last.

I know. There's so much to work with here. The things I know about Sam Howell. I'm saying a full cast bit was poorly sequenced in plan. Things that are, no, I blame the alphabet. Fun about Sam Howell. Things that are fun about Sam Howell jokes.

Let's see here. Let's see. Never playing behind an offensive line. Yeah. Never really having to make up a lot of his own shit. Not having a lot of guidance. Um, yeah, it's feeling very Florida, feeling very gators. Okay.

Yeah. As established it's in Florida, they'll just bounce wherever they should be. Yeah. That's right. That's right. So we're not quite sure. It could be like, why don't you just take a breather? Florida, the great plinko of quarterbacks.

Florida's the Greyhound station. A little scary. You'll probably want to get out of there. Yeah. So we'll put Sam Hal at Florida, where, You know, he can enjoy the distinctive experience of I lived in an air-conditioned cube off Archer Road.