Shutdown Fullcast - The Divine Right Of Smoothie Kings

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

You’re probably not going to play professional football, so how should you decide where to attend college? Our academic survey can tell you!  The “Which school has the most convenient parking" answers won’t surprise you; the “Which school has the best food" answers definitely will! Also covered: The crucial categories of “waterslide availability" and “places to take a nap in public" Eat shit, US News & World Report The University of Texas’s clutch of Panera-level fascist boosters don’t deserve a good-faith argument, and you shouldn’t give them one! A Charity Bowl challenge is issued! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You mentioned Wake Forest being number two, I think, on the worst parking in the country. Wake Forest is located here in Winston-Salem, where my wife and I live. My wife got her master's degree from Wake Forest online, and we live in Winston-Salem. This is to be an idea of how fucking horrible it is to try and ever go to Wake Forest. Like, first off, to get in, I don't know if you've ever been there. but to get into the campus of Wake Forest, you have to drive through like a mile and a half of woods that surround the campus.

The fucking campus is like that M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Village? Yes, 100%. It's just a bunch of New Englanders who are trapped there and they think it's 1986. Is this why we didn't know Tim Duncan was like super basic? Yeah, 100%. He was just hiding and he's like, hey, guys. I dressed like it's

1986 and they're like so do we just to give you an idea I think it's sweet that he found his tribe

well let's just let's just put it this way he had to move to San Antonio Texas to

figure out he liked weed laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter

you know you and you and you welcome to the shutdown full cast you're listening to the internet's only college football podcast and the only podcast that i think dares to to tell the cold truth about the sport which is this that uh most people who play football

you're not you're going to go pro in something else and we're going to get to that okay but when you decide to go to a school and figure out where you're going to go pro and something else there's a few things you should consider one of them might be well how committed are you to sing and to singing songs that old people like old people like old kind of like robert e lee old kind of terrible people in a lot of ways are you willing to are you willing to just sell it all out for i've been working on the railroad but with some hoot-nanny kind of scary maybe kind of racist lyrics is that how do you feel about that because that might be something you have to consider because texas exists i mean you don't have to

consider it if you don't go to texas which certainly a number of recruits choose not to do every year especially those that live in texas I think it's like top 10 recruits in Texas right now. Only one of them is committed to UT right now. And yeah, that's bad. But we'll, we should explain this because this has to do with the Texas Tribune article that came out with some emails from Texas donors. Good Lord, a number of emails.

A number of emails about the eyes of Texas, which I did anyone here know. that the eyes of Texas was was even that much of a thing i don't mean like yeah if you ever watch a game on tell but course that was back when texas used to score points so yeah they'd have to play it when they scored so yeah so there's a controversy at the university of texas um not really in terms of the band or the players they don't like the song the students don't like the song students don't really like the song the band like a lot of people the band aren't even going to play the song if you're just catching up and you need some context this song is uh paraphrasing a a robert e lee aphorism uh and some people uh think that that is a bad idea yeah and imagine that

yeah and this is this has become a sticking point between you know not really students and students but between students and the people who uh write checks for the program texasbue and got a number of emails now i you know you know who definitely doesn't have a problem with it is steve sarkisian because he told us so first thing first day that's our song and we're going to sing it came right the hell out because he i don't think he would have gotten in that room if he had not said that nope but oh boy there are some very very angry people

who probably sent a lot of chain emails in their life re for yeah I feel that the big shit show here is that the university redacted some of the more virulently racist stuff that came out of this email and that's saying quite a bit

you know what else they redacted is all the re forward forward forward re uh subject headers i don't feel like we're sounding mad enough of this and i think it's because i'm just kind of vaguely gobsmacked at the degree of shitburdery on display here and i didn't think i was capable of being surprised by booster emails anymore yeah and it this is by the way like we don't some of these are blacked out some of them are not some of them are some of them are some of the people who are donors and that's that's a vague term right like some of them obviously donate real money some of them might just be people who send you know a couple hundred here a couple

hundred there um which by the way why does texas which is famously the wealthiest program in college football right as they are fond of reminding anyone why are you sweating that why is why is that even a serious concern well probably because the guys who donate millions of dollars are complaining about this too that's that's what like there's a lot of absolutely awful quotes here, including UT needs rich donors who love the eyes of Texas more than they need one crop of irresponsible

and uninformed students or faculty who won't do what they are paid to do. Let's talk about students or faculty there. By the way, that's from Stephen Arnold, a retired administrative law judge. That's who sent that into the University of Texas. I wonder if, Ryan, you've been in the legal world, right?

Allegedly, yes. I wonder what the ratio is across the legal landscape of America of judges at this level and above and guys who have tattoos of the Tasmanian devil somewhere on their person. I feel like it's got to be high. It's probably higher than you than we would think. Yeah, that's why historically judges wear robes. is to cover their taz-tats everyone knows this yeah like that's i i don't understand how you could say that just like i don't that's not yeah i feel like we should be yelling more but i just like

my mouth fell open reading me somebody i believe it was uh the creator of blatant homerism today who said that you know other schools there there are there are plenty of uh racist awful shitbirds at other schools but texas seems to have a particular dedication to pointing them out and and saying hey look at our guys and as if the history of that the school wasn't like the case like the history of football players and a race at texas wasn't already real bad like super bad like a and m used to be a better destination by acclamation kind of bad like many other schools in texas like schools that you would not consider to be like a and m or you wonder how sm u was able to make hey well cash helped but still a better spot than austin of all places yeah like when you see when you see texas schools that have managed to to take advantage of that right and you see texas and i'm on the list you go listen jackie sherrill jackie sherrell had texas a and am writing checks and obviously did a lot besides that to make black athletes feel comfortable

in college station but damn you have austin at your disposal how are you losing with that how well there's one answer you have you have a lot more racism in the booster core and in the fan base than one one might have expected read read that stephen godfrey tweet aloud today he uh he does an NFL podcast that some of you might have heard of and he had just a really succinct summation of the issue today I thought it requires it requires slow reading and accurate reading so here we go Texas confused as to why they're not Oklahoma comma is doing an old miss comma themselves confused why they didn't become Alabama all those years ago damn I definitely

think that doubling down on this issue is going to work out for them as a student of history i guess my question is this when you are a large institution you know a college a museum a podcast um and you decide to accept a bunch of money from someone at some point you have to sort of establish what the line is between you have given us this money and we appreciate it and And this is what that does and doesn't mean for you. And it means a lot of, you know, everybody understands that it means certain things. It means you're probably going to get access. Other people don't get.

You're going to get attention. Other people don't get. You're going to get privileges. Other people don't get. But when it comes to what you get to influence and where you get to not just speak, but be heard, but be paid mind. Texas is the one that gets to draw that line. And what's baffling to me is like the eyes of Texas, if you don't draw the line here to sort of say like, nope, unless you are, if you're giving money to the band, maybe then you can say like, yep, I understand why you don't want to give money to the band anymore because it's literally what they're doing. But even then, like at some point it becomes incumbent on the institution to say, okay.

If you don't want to give us your money, that's fine. But you are not buying the opportunity to literally run the school, to handle the business of the University of Texas and Texas athletics. Like, I guess what I'm really saying is this. If you don't shut boosters down on this, that will just creep and bleed into more bullshit booster influence for even bigger things. for things that are more direct and are more painful to the actual students on campus. Why on earth would you decide like this is the thing we should hem and haw about? Instead of telling them, like, we're going to make the decision we think is best for Texas. And if you don't like it, you don't have to give us your money anymore.

Because you know what? 90% of these dudes are bluffing. They're absolutely fucking bluffing. fucking bluffing. I mean, sure, these things can continue to creep, but I sort of went,

I didn't see this article. I'm not online. I'm sporadically online, so I think I missed this. But like, to me, this is a, this feels more like a symptom of creep,

right? Sure, maybe it's not. This is an obvious manifestation of it. I don't know if this is like a starting point. This feels like a, it has crept. Yeah. Yeah.

maybe it very well may be that never more clear for me by the way than the decision of the university to redact the names of some of the people who sent these emails a lot of people have seen these emails those names are going to come out and the university is still choosing to protect these people which says a lot again about who gets to be heard one of those and who gets to be here One of those redacted emails, by the way, said the following. And if I hear you grow to your eyes roll within the first couple of sentences, yeah, yeah, because you know this person on every football forum you've ever been on. It is disgraceful to see the lack of unity in our fiercest competitor, Sam Ellinger, standing nearly alone. Mispelled, by the way, misspelled name.

Uh-huh, misspelled Sam Ellinger's name. Oh, God, I miss that. It is symbolic of the disarray of this football. program which you inherited the critical race theory garbage that has been embraced by the football program and the university is doing critical race theory embraced by the football program sark stood there and said that's our song and we're going to sing it um with this is winding up here and so is this sorry i recognize that on the list of things that are wrong with that email that is near the bottom but however that has been embraced by the football program and the university is doing massive

irreparable damage to our glorious institution and to the country. Ah, hail the victorious dead. It has got to stop. I mean, listen, I don't know. I see you're kind of like useless. Do it again in the we were sitting next to a millionaire voice. It is disgraceful to see the lack of unity. You see, I don't like, whatever.

I don't really need to see like your Panera level fascism here. Okay. That's beautiful, man. It's just, you're just a sad person who's mad about things for no reason. Well, that's, that's the shit of it. Like, I saw Mina Khyme say this today. Who has the energy to be this mad? I saw Michael Jr. say the same thing.

It's not really about the song. No. Like, the song is merely the entryway through which all the other feelings of things are different, and I don't like that. And I have to think about what jokes I say from now on. And I have to acknowledge, like, the humanity of other people. like imagine going through life sorry ryan go ahead i just i have such a hard time putting myself in the shoes of someone who jesus christ especially after this year we're entering there are people

entering month 12 of quarantine in this country right now imagine that having the energy or the free time to get worked up about this my god but if that's i guess what i'm saying is if you're If that's your biggest problem, I'm sorry. If you're running Texas, you have to recognize that what is happening here is not a single issue item. It is not, we will. They have like, because they're, I think they are trying to address the issue somewhat responsibly to at least say we're going to start an academic. The University of Texas is saying we're going to start. They've started an academic commission to like examine the history of the song and sort of like.

That's symbolic. The student body doesn't want it. No, yeah. But I don't think that's a sufficient step, but I think it is at least a meaningful one, is what I mean. See, I would argue it's a symbolic one at best. I guess it depends on what they do after that.

Like, if it is just that, then yes, it is just checking a box. But the problem with the whole approach is that it makes it about the song and it makes it an examination of like, well, how do we all feel about the song? and all of these people who are you know the things that they are saying in this email none of it is about like this song is important to me this is like i have these vivid memories of you know going to texas games as a little boy whatever all of it is about the political

cudgel they want to wield and yeah they're really telling on themselves here yeah and so you can't if you're texas you have to understand you can't it's you can't win with this with this fight because all you're going to do is either emboldened them to keep coming back because it's not like listen if you keep the eyes of texas it's not like black students at the university of texas are going to go away they're still going to live there and exist there and have feelings there and they're still going to express all of those things and your boosters are not just going to be like well thanks for doing that that's the only issue we had everything else at UT is fine it's clearly not with them so stop trying to like put this very

specific bandage on this festering wound that they need to go to deal with in therapy yet two two things one how are your players who are between 18 and 22 years old, better custodians of that program's history than you are. You lose. Some of them aren't even, like the ones who aren't from Texas, they just got here and they're lapping the field with your sorry asses.

The answer is because you want to be ignorant because you're very comfortable for one reason or another by being a dumbass. You know, in this case, I suspect it's because you're racist and you don't want things to change. That's why you think you own them.

And that's why you write the checks in the first place. Second, and by the way, you don't deserve a good faith argument on that. You don't. Just stop doing that. You don't. This is not a both sides issue. You're being a dumbass. That's why you need to use words like lies, dumbass, and

racist. You should call things what they are. And in this case, that's exactly what they're being. They need to shut the hell up. There's no room for that, right? That is not the tolerant left speaking. That is someone who is intolerant of this bullshit. And people should be intolerant.

of this bullshit and it should be slapped wherever it appears. The second thing, you know who doesn't have to deal with this, but I know has boosters who are equally awful people, pretty much every other team in the country. Why are we only hearing about it at Texas? They don't get their shit together. It's not like other teams are better, by the way.

No, no, but it's like the Alan Kinney quote that we were reading a few minutes ago. Texas has this particular dedication to making sure those people are hollering heard because there's a lot of them they all write big checks what happens when you start to get big checks money and ego

involved we all got to have our fee fees respected to a level by the way that broke people would find absolutely infantile just like get over it this is what I was trying to get at earlier like imagine living a life where this is the biggest problem you face in a day

yeah that's the biggest problem be nice I mean when cash doesn't congratulations on all your success that you have time to get worked up about this when the cash stops mean and things all you got left to hurt feelings that's that's all i can deduce here right i would like to have the opportunity to see if that's true somebody would like to give me a large sum of money that'd be cool but uh in the meantime that's what i got to assume about you that you're super fragile because the money didn't fix it and also that for some reason you think you own uh 18 to 22 year olds

or they owe you something for playing football for a team that you don't even invest in by the way, you just write checks. You don't actually own any of it because it's not a business technically, right? Right. What a wonderful business arrangement. Anyway, we're

here to help you figure out whether you should go to a school to begin with. Right now, this is you and you're thinking about whether you should go to Texas. I don't know. You heard that whole conversation and the bunch of huge pampered babies with checkbooks who run your program. Might want to think about that and some of the

insanely stupid identity politics that undergird their very beings you get there i thought identity politics was for young people i'm so tired of identity politics ruining anything anyway play my railroad song play my railroad song or i'm going to pitch a fit you absolutely just go there we got into gear eventually. Anyway, Ryan, we've turned to science to alleviate. We have this problem and come to a solution about

where people, because let's face it, if you're going to play college football, you're not going to make it. That's just the numbers. You're not going to make it to the NFL. And if you are, if you're like very confident that you are, you don't need us to tell you where to go to school. Right. Where should you go? Oh, Alabama, Ohio State. Clemson.

Clemson, not Texas. Let's say UNC, just for fun. But the rest of you, don't you want to have a life? I'm sorry for the Bain cadence there, but I stand by my point. Don't you want to have a life? Do you feel in charge of your destiny? Yeah, like the rest of you, we've got to be real. Slavic now? What am I doing?

He's an F1 driver, yes. Yeah, he is. Oh, God. Anyway. Vanderford Bain. Yeah. Um, if you, if you are one of these people, or let's face it, if you don't know if you're one of these people and you're trying to size up where you're going to go play some college football, I know you need to consider who gets drafted where, but after you figure that out, I need you to leverage the 98% possibility that you might not be one of those people and you need to bank on some other factors. We need to go ahead and come up with a different calculus for figuring out where you're going to spend for perhaps five years, uh, of your crucial. early adulthood yes so we put out a survey that asked the uh you the listener to a tell us where

you attended uh undergrad if you did a couple people refused and one person's like i'm in high school i think it's sweet of them to answer the survey anyway sure um and then we asked you to rate your undergraduate experience based on four factors uh how good was the food of to you what how plentiful were nap options public public places where you could take a nice public snooze what's the water slide situation that's sort of like encompasses some bigger bigger parts not purely water slide lazy rivers you know I guess pontoon boats if that was a thing sure is this us trying to figure out which campuses have a lazy river so that we can plan next year's coverage

trips mind your own business Um, and then the fourth factor was, um, how bullshit is the parking situation? Like, is there parking? Are the parking police constantly getting tickets, whatever? We asked for a rating of each of these things from one being terrible, seven being completely ideal. Uh, we received, um, like 2,000 responses, something like that. representing more than more than I think we counted on putting a spreadsheet and sorted

correct correct sorry Ryan no it's fine thank you for doing this Ryan you're welcome we got we got responses for about 450 schools if I deduplicated correctly and then I further reduce that and I said okay I'm only gonna like rank a school on these factors if they got at least five submissions so yes not every school we got is on here I'm sorry if your school is not I'm sure it was great or terrible whatever you said it was but i want to reveal Tennessee and Texas you're disqualified apologies to Abraham Baldwin at agricultural college I saw somebody put that in there all praise to aback but yeah yeah um there were also like people put West Point and I

appreciate that people who went West Point but like if you're going to West Point it's a completely different like thing that you're doing which is fine um so where do you want to start you never heard the West Point water slide game it's it's funny because navy doesn't have one um let's let's start with food okay so again this is just like what people put in here are in reverse order the best five campuses for food options and and i'll let you guys discuss it as you like after that number five UCLA Mm-hmm

Number four, Duke number three, Virginia Tech, number two, James Madison, JMU, and number one, UMass.

Really? Sometimes I question our demographics. Sure, that's fair. But that, yeah. And granted, like, UMass just hit the cusp at five exactly, but they had they got a near perfect score in food okay okay listen i need you to know that

that UMass apparently has an award-winning campus dining program okay legit like they have a whole they have a whole like section in the campus center called blue wall it's just got like vietnamese tie mexican got a little organic spot okay tons okay this is why you ready yeah all of campus dining stays open till midnight and wow yeah that's why holy shit yeah that's man that is service teach us your ways that's incredible yeah that's i think that's why also they got a couple of they got a couple of campus dining spots we're not talking about spots around there they're got a couple of campus dining spots that are open till 2 a m and they have and they have campus-operated food trucks.

So, okay, I'm seeing this. I'm seeing why y'all are so happy with this and partnerships with local farms. Yeah, this is all there, man. This doesn't look bad. I will also tell you that Virginia Tech, Virginia Tech has its own spot on this food website, Spoon University,

that says, why Virginia Tech dining is the Beyonce of college food. No, absolutely not. I don't care. what comes after this no yeah okay so i do not accept this metaphor yeah they got listen they got spots open unless they have famous lemonade i am not accepting this metaphor they got kudoba they got spots up until 2 a m they got an oban pan you're describing an airport listen what is an airport to a college student's palette pretty good yeah yeah think about that steakhouse in uh laguardia that lets you order

alcoholic milkshakes off an iPad. Imagine having that in college. Do you remember what a job, like consider this. No, you're right. I hear you. What would a jamba juice have done to your 18 year old brain? You would have been like, what sorcery is this?

Fruit and vegetable? Sippable? Impossible. What would that have done for a hangover? Yeah. Absolute magic is what it would have done. I was told, I was told there was but one king of smoothies. we were we were divine right of smoothie kings we've was a it was a monarchy a theocracy based on a single figure the smoothie king the smoothie king pulled the sword from the stone and used it to cut up strawberries and bananas and shit um all right where's food uh okay we'll go bottom five fifth from the bottom to the bottom uh the university of nebraska omaha the omaha

I believe it. What a betrayal of beef. Northwestern. I believe it. Oh, that I believe. Virginia, UVA. Louisville, second from next to last. Go, big poppers.

Right. Stale pizza. And then. Have you ever heard John Boyce's story about high school in Louisville and Pizza Day? Yeah, yeah. That pizza day at their high school was always. Papa John's pizza from the day before? Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. And then the worst food that we, the worst food review we got at least, was a little school called Milligan College in Tennessee. Oh, I know where this is. We have enough, we have multiple people writing in from Milligan. We had, yeah, we had five responses from Milligan. And they gave it a, this feels like a stack. They gave it a 2.6 out of seven.

Yikes. Yeah. Okay. Let's do best naps. This is the one, like, the nap collection lines up almost exactly where I thought it would be. We'll start from number five, Stanford. 100% agree. Like, one of the most beautiful campuses, absolutely understand why it's a great nap location.

Number four, Colorado. No. Number three, Tulane, which I'm, I'm thinking like passed out counts here as well. Have we confused? Have we been asleep a lot? Have we confused passed out for napping? Is that really? Are you confusing being high with being poisoned?

It's just an impromptu nap. Number two. I mean, I would say Las Vegas for reasons we've already covered, so I guess I understand that. Number two, the University of Miami. which one seems sweaty uh the the the one in florida not i'm kidding i know the other one is miami university don't yell at me and number one you see san diego the best napping school in america that seems totally safe like you can fall asleep anywhere in san diego and it would just be a refreshing magnificent experience yeah yeah yeah miami seems a little sweaty like you know

you might fall asleep in like they could have a lot of good indoor nap indoor nap locations that are like In a library. Misting stations. I would fall asleep in a misting station. Yeah. Car wash. I would just wake up and be covered in tiny crabs. Your body is a misting station.

Yeah. That's why I'm really suspicious of the Miami ranking. But Stanford, I totally believe Stanford. There isn't, seriously, you don't pay that much money to go to a school where you could get cut by anything on campus. No sharp edges. I'll smell like eucalyptus. Yeah.

It's a soothing experience with low humidity and moderate temperatures. Yeah, sounds perfect. Worst nap schools. Fifth from the bottom, Boston University. Why? Fourth from the bottom, Syracuse. Hey, I'm napping here. Syracuse.

Syracuse. Third worst, central Michigan. These are all places where you could die. A lovely town. I don't know about that one. No, these are all places where you could die if you fall asleep outside. Okay. Miami is not too lame.

is not not like that second well plus also remember that most people aren't on campus during the summer so if for Miami and Tulane oh yeah because it has to be summer for it to be unfathomably hot in Miami and Tulane

number two Eastern Michigan and the worst school for naps in America Penn the University of Pennsylvania you have a sleep in Philly eat shit US news in World Report.

Somebody broke the window on my body? Somebody spray painted go-Igles on me. Not eagles, but eagles with an eye. Where is Western Michigan in there? Are they just towering above their two rivals? Let's see. Western Michigan got a 4.6 on this, on the NAP scale.

So they're doing pretty good with that Just blowing out their two rivals Yeah They're doing pretty good with that It's probably because of all the cocaine That's yeah, because the horse Yeah That horse hasn't yeah that horse ain't sleeping

No There's also the Bells brewery in town So there's got to be a natural sleepiness from all that hops ambiance And the regular Michigan Michigan heavy as we call it Michigan diesel. Let's just stop calling them state and Michigan.

Michigan Heavy and Michigan Light. I honestly didn't think they could be madder than me calling them regular Michigan. What's funny? What's funny is Michigan State's going to be like, hey, we're Michigan heavy. Fuck you. No, no. All we have to do is continue calling Michigan State irregular Michigan. And they're like, yeah, that's right.

Michigan's going to love Michigan Heavy, though, because they'll be like, yes, ponderous. Heavy like a book, bitch. Heavy like a book or the responsibility of wisdom. Michigan. Michigan genuine draft, sir. That's what they are. Yes. I mean, not for football, but draft for other stuff.

We're naming all of the Michigan schools, one variety of, like, generic beer. It's all happening. All right. Best water slides. I want to make clear that Spencer. Also Michigan. Spencer said water slides.

should be on here. I said water slides should be on here. Yeah, and it's a very vague category, but like I think it hints at the instant availability of recreational facilities of an excessive and... I hear you. For example, LSU has lazy rivers.

Of course, would you think UAB has lazy rivers? No, this is important information. I'm going to tell you LSU is not on the top five. What? Oh, they take it. They take that shit for granted. ungrateful again this is crowdsourced I cannot I cannot verify the accuracy of it number five Georgia Tech I can this is some shit okay sorry number five Georgia Tech yeah yeah they have a big ass water slide there okay please explain the water slide situation they do it is massive it is ridiculous you think that like tech is a place that has absolutely no fun and you're right but they did build for these super stressed out engineers who are in charge of creating the next generation of soul-sucking

apps and dehumanizing technology. They put in some really nice water slides for them. Like, no lie. There's a really, really nice one that they have there. Okay. Number four, Missou. What? I believe it. No, no, no. I believe it. Missouri is a state that as a whole has an insane

cultural commitment towards water park and water park themed engineering. I don't know, man. I think they're going to have to show me. No, this is like, because Kansas City is the epicenter of Lazy River Culture. Yeah. it really is it is all about like in the summer you just go out there that's where they built the slitter bond remember the gigantic water slide built by people who had never built one right it's it's it's Kansas City it's it's that area of the country super huge you guys are the same thing I did go ahead email me I don't care you're not the same they are one of you one of you has trees that's it yeah well okay the you know here it is the university the University of Missouri has an aquatic center that boasts an indoor waterfall and the tiger grotto which is like based on yeah yeah all right i'm your tiger grotto and i'm

thinking an entirely different scene yeah correct uh number three boston university really confused by that one just going very confused that number let's let's get to google let's let's let's look this shit up number two texas tech i believe that totally like that climate like you just you could set up enormous pools and just throw people in them all day long yeah yeah yeah um and number one even though it was on a worst list before milligan college back again what this feels like some kind somebody at the water at the water station there there there is okay wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait i don't know if this is true or not because it was published on march 31st now it's got to be an april fools thing listen guys you got to publish your april fools thing

on april first okay milligan to connect buildings on campus via water slides is funny if it's published on april first but publishing in march fuck that shit simply cruel um but there are like a number of water slide articles connected with milligan so i don't think it's fully bullshit yeah but that ain't it uh boston university by the way does have a lazy river it's out of order at the moment but boston university of course it is yeah it's coming back any day now just like big poppy sean penn drowned a man in it and now we're just were there too many rats in it no the wrong we're wrong kind of rats uh worst water slides shit dick river there's a 15 way tie for worst where we'll score a score of one these include

we get a file of ryan saying quietly and tiredly there's a 15 way tie for worst there's uh northwestern is on here n yu wake forest b yu vanderbilt ball state boston college georgetown just a lot uh i have my own 15 way a tie i want to talk about though and that is is it a home field apparel shirt it's the schools that i love on homefield apparel dot com amazing i was kidding amazing 15 way and counting probably. I don't know if this is accurate or not, but I am definitely closing in on 15 home field hoodies. I don't think I'm exactly there, but probably the next time I re-up, I will cross the 15 mark because they're all comfortable. They all look great. They're JMU, who we've already talked about earlier on this episode, a new member of the home

field magic family and the thing I love about home field magic if you don't know it's the thing where home field schools do better in sports than non homefield schools is that there's a world where indiana basketball could hog all of the home field magic and instead they give it all the way they keep none for themselves incredibly generous of conner and the good people at home field apparel to use none of their own athletic magic on the basketball team that they know and love you can get a little of that magic for yourself when you use offer code full cast to get 20% off your first purchase um we're talking hoodies we're talking crunex we're talking t-shirts we're you know the number of schools is just staggering at this point the number of amazing designs is staggering like times 10

go check it out for yourself um milligan college not on there but they might be one day you don't know mazoo's on there there and mazoo's got a fucking tiger grotto they're a school we didn't go to and if there's one thing we know about schools we didn't go to it's that they have a tendency to show up on home field apparel god that's true and we will buy a gray hoodie of them but what will we buy it with i don't know we would need some money we would need some money guys we're bloggers where are we going to get money i mean surely we can't be investors no that sounds like something for rich folks getting money i can't help you with but should you

find yourself in possession of should you stumble upon some money have i got a place for you to put it it is the acorns app acorns dot com slash fullcast hey there boom found you some money for you because with offer quote fullcast you get a nice head start on this pile uh if you if you manage to invest that $5 incredibly wisely, then it could become a large sum for you. But you're probably going to need to give it a little bit of love. The Acorns app makes that very easy. They'll round up your dollars and cents for you. Add to your pile a little bit, and then they'll do some investment stuff, and make pile grow.

And that's it. Investing. It's easy. It's on your phone. You just sort of set it up and then look at it every now and then. And then you're an investor. Do you find yourself saying like investor things when you use acorns? Are you like screaming buy, sell?

Yeah, terms you probably wouldn't understand. So I don't, I want to start a stonks podcast pretty soon and explain some of these terms in detail. But, you know, just to keep it really simple for people who don't have the acorns app who wouldn't understand, I'll just say yes. Thank you. I appreciate you, dumbing it down for me. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, that's good. We'll just start with this.

First of all, the first lesson of investing is this, Ryan, apes together strong. That's the first lesson of investing money is apes together strong. Yeah. That's important. Everything keys off that. Some people say you need to know money in terms like gamma squeeze and, you know, like market caps, right? No, no.

Well, so basically every day, I open up the app, I look at Acorns, and I say, we like the stock, right? Yeah. And Acorn says to me, are we paper hands today? And I say, no, no, they're a diamond hands today. And James Franco is there for some reason. And then Acorns is like, if he's still in, and I say, then I'm still in. And it's, and someone standing thereby, and they're like, who's he? And I'm like, sh, we're talking of investments.

Damn, you need to know. That's the boss. Yeah, and then I start beating my chest like a Matthew McConaughey, Wolf of Wall Street in the mirror. You've always had a more like Gordon Gecko vibe for me, but that's fine. That is so kind and not at all where I thought you were headed. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. Could have gone so much worse.

You're welcome. Okay, let's do best parking situations. Yeah. Number five. Middlebury College, which I think is in Vermont. Yeah, no, it's a very, very nice little slice of Vermont. Okay. Big language program school.

Okay. Number four, the University of Nebraska, Omaha, apparently. The food is shit, but there's lots of places to park and eat the food you brought from home. I was going to say, nobody's eating there. Number three, it's our favorite Milligan College back again. I somebody sent this around to their alumni list yeah and only five and only five people responded I don't remember y'all from the charity bowl is all I'm saying yeah that's fair better to see your name somewhere else uh number two best parking Washington and Lee

hmm it's only two guys yep that's right but only one spot spot reserved for Washington and Lee actually really should only be reserved for Washington's day yeah damn um and number one south dakota state i believe in park south dakota i believe all of these things listen if tennessee and florida aren't in the bottom five uh they're not they're not um okay fifth worst grand valley state which a home field school uh yeah which is in uh michigan one of my favorite home field hoodies grand valley state number five number four fourth worst UCLA definitely oh yeah yeah yeah that is a nightmare shit number three this one surprised

me a little bit Kentucky I could see that Lexington it gets tight it gets tight fast and that's their only source of revenue okay uh number two wake forest um I could also see that via that I believe the demos yeah uh and number one According to this very important academic survey, the worst parking situation in U.S. colleges, West Virginia University. That is absolutely true because given the geography of where this school is situated, they can't build more parking. Right. Yes. I have been, I have only been to Morgantown once. It was not when it was in the summer. and even then when school wasn't even in session it was like yeah parking is fucking miserable here tight is there anyone else you want me to look up on this list

though uh where where's our beloved university of florida because uh i do recall that being a living nightmare florida's quite low florida got a two out of seven on this um so yeah it's pretty bad it's it's you know this is not a category that lent itself to a lot of high scores but yeah Florida's floating probably if I had to guess probably like bottom 20 bottom 25 so I got it's floating yeah I got to admit I didn't really help the situation sure yeah wow I know I'm sorry I'm no mm-hmm I mean I kind of did I kind of treated my car like George Jones did on a cocaine bender when he just parked at the airport in Nashville left it on the curb but the note that said

return to grand old Opry care of George Jones like you done something like this in real life yeah yeah like haven't you just left a car at the airport that's happened yeah yeah I just went home and forgot that I'd driven to the airport yeah um UCF is very low on this as well which makes sense since there are 80,000 people roughly uh Arizona state terrible parking apparently but it's a lot like Georgia techs getting a two Colorado's getting a two Colorado getting a two is the same as West Virginia. Arizona State surprises me. Yeah.

It's bad everywhere. Okay, so that leaves us with the best overall. I guess, you know what? I like having one bad thing about Arizona State. It humanizes them a little bit. Yeah. Sure. I know we put them up on a pedestal,

and that's not a healthy place to be for a person or an institution. I wonder if Arizona State parking is bad because everyone just forgets to go back to their car. Like there's just discarded cars. It's just like, it's just like awesome Mad Max. Yeah. I think actually. What's that joke about one-way rental car charges? If they didn't exist, every car in America would be at the Tropicana or the Grand Canyon.

Yeah. I think one thing, one thing about Arizona State that they probably hate with parking is that there's not a sexy parking option or like a big dick parking. Oh, dang, I hate that now. Sorry. I only, I only, where's the big dick parking section? That's what I need. for the record you you can probably you can guess which school we got the most responses for you could just eliminate them it's michigan it's michigan it's michigan

michigan gave us the most responses overall uh georgia was number two you all you are you are all insane masochists but thanks for listening yeah we appreciate it um okay people who responded to the survey only to tell us they didn't want to tell us where they went to undergrad Yeah, that's fair. Like the people who took the time to respond to this survey just to ask us if we were cops. We are cops. Especially Ryan. Speak for yourself.

All right. This is the, these are the worst places to go to school in the U.S. based on our four irrefutable factors, the peer, the building blocks of your college body, food. Ooh, can we make an acronym? Nap. Is it too late for an acronym? We, I'd have to. Nope yeah no food so we've got food water slides naps and parking faux nap Phon nap no so yeah it's working really well I would say okay um I did top tens I did top tens here the 10th worst place to go to school in the US

Syracuse number nine Grand Valley State number eight Rutgers number seven I don't like saying this but I have to read what the card says pit pit is listed as the seventh worst place to go to go to no we want we want Pitt to have an ugly ranking because that's bad for whoever that's that's true yeah that's true all right I feel the sound I feel better uh Georgetown Buffalo Louisville again man Louisville did not score Louisville did not score well on this at all uh Eastern Michigan North Western and Penn. These are the worst places you could go to school, according to real people who have gone to these schools at some point.

So, like, make your decision accordingly. The good news is there's the flip side, the best places to go to school. The top 10 in this category, in this grouping, Washington and Lee, UMass. Again, like, the food is really doing a lot of work for them here. Tulane, not surprising, Virginia Tech, Missou, Texas Tech, Middlebury, and then a three-way tie at the top, Milligan College, of course.

It's there up there. America's greatest college, evidently. Tied with James Madison and Arizona, not Arizona State. Oh, Arizona Diesel. Arizona, Arizona, ICE. Arizona, sugar. Yeah.

caffeine-free Arizona I think you mean Arizona iced tea yeah that is correct North northern Arizona's Arizona Arizona Baja blast yeah yeah oh it cures depression it does sorry I gotta stop repeating that yeah I didn't I didn't expect Arizona like this feels almost sacrilegic or sacrilegious to say have we failed to consider Arizona that is sacrilege doesn't sound like us yeah no but i will say yeah well i could see the food like food napping it's food and nap it's really carrying them like the parking and the water slide situation is fine but the the overwhelming message from arizona is like come here we'll feed you and we'll let you sleep that sounds heavenly it's a very residence in but college

I'm set up. Hey guys, look at an irony board. It's built in. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is the Jimmy Buffett song, this hotel room in school form. Yes.

Yeah. Arizona State. Great God Almighty. It's a TV guide. There are some weird partners in here. Iowa and Cal are exactly the same. You'll have the same college experience if you go to Iowa as if you go to Berkeley. I've always said it.

um Florida and Purdue are basically exactly the same go to either one is actually the Iowa of Los Angeles yeah um possibly the one possibly the one that will make people the most mad Penn State Maryland and Vanderbilt exactly the same score yikes that actually doesn't make me mad that's delightful yeah I mean that's awesome if you're paying I just love hearing truth told yeah um Georgetown and Buffalo I believe that one, actually. It's fine, yeah. I'm amazed that Georgetown compares that favorably, Buffalo, actually.

Our reader said that it's better to go to South Carolina than it is to go to Texas. We should put out a press release about this, actually. It's not hard. Can we send this to like inside higher ed? Survey reveals Columbia, South Carolina, the new Silicon Valley. The one on here I really don't understand. UCLA and USF ended up with the same score. I think that's hysterical.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you got a lot of options. If you are not going to go to the NFL, either go to JMU, Arizona, or I don't even know if Milligan College has football. You know what I know that do have? Water slides. Five people who listen to this.

y'all better start listening now and i better see your asses at charity ball next month yeah that's true for all the shit we had to look up about your school put up or shut up milligan