Shutdown Fullcast - THE FEUDS EPISODE, feat. Commencement Speaker Gravedigger

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

The crew establishes an alliance with a Grey's Anatomy alum and develops a feud against an Avenger A rundown of other people, institutions, internal demons, and inanimate objects we are currently in fights with A review of what in the hell happened at Ohio State's graduation A reminder that we are all available for hire as commencement speakers, except Ryan Ric Flair having a normal one at the pizza place Introducing Jason as Jungle Jack Hanna More news about our upcoming summer live tour! This week's theme song arranged and performed by Corey Cunningham Follow Jason's work and upcoming book-related appearances on Vacation Bible School, Shutdown Fullbooks, and elsewhere at jasonkirk.fyi Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at channel-6.ghost.io, if you dare Listen to Ryan's other, less harrowing podcast, We're Not All Like This, wherever finer podcasts are placed Purchase only the finest merch at sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This whole thing was just a reminder that, unfortunately, Twitter is still the best posting app because I went over to Blue Sky. And it was the first thing I saw was like, this is the best battle since Hamilton. And I'm like, I'm, no, bye. Are you fucking kidding? You're in seven days time out, Blue Sky. Not going back to you for a while. Twitter's gifted program remains in quarantine until further notice. There's just certain cultural events where Blue Sky just does.

does not bring it. Nope. Yeah. My thought was, by the way, that Dabo is the funniest one to accuse of getting a BBL. Just because the holy crap, the idea that man with a, that man with a gigantic donk trying to waddle down the side,

down the hill, the majesty, the absolute majesty of all that. Wouldn't it be funny if it was a big dude? Like, what about Hypo? Well, he'd be so.

Hey, I didn't, but I just felt, you know, I didn't feel confident in pants. I have my answer. It's Mark Stoops. Do you see it? Do you already see where I'm going with us? We're talking BB and BBL. There it is. It's beautiful.

Thank you. Yeah. I like it. Just Mark being like that. Back it up. Back it up. Meanwhile, here comes Dabo back in. I got a BBL, a Bible by the Lord.

Mm-hmm. You know what? They told me not to sit down for a while, and they're right, because I need to be kneeling, penitent before the Lord. Also, because I can't sit, because I got a massive piece of plastic surgery done on my hindquarters. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined, as always, by Jason Kirk.

Hi. Ryan Nanny, who will be joining us in a second. I ain't lying. He will be along. Holly, Anderson, and on the ones and two's Michael Ray. Sorry, but you cannot see. But Michael Ray has got a pair of, are these Oakley's? Can we screen count this?

He looks sick. Yeah, you look, dude, you look awesome. These are my Darlington Rapparounds. It is Darlington Week. We're throwing it back to win wraparounds. We're cool. Listen, if we're talking about Darlington and NASCAR, wraparounds are always cool.

This is also my Jim Keltner hat, and he is the greatest drummer of any of all recordings of the 1970s and 1980s. I mean, he was the drummer for the traveling wheelbaries. So he must be the greatest drummer ever. But yes. I love server's case there. A nod and an mm-hmm. Say no more. When you got raffirons on, that's like a plus 10 multiplier on the mm-hmm.

That was a damn soliloquy right there. Yeah, it could be like, hey man. Ernie Irvin. That's an underrated driver right there. Michael will be like, mm-hmm. Yep. Count it. Yeah, count it, brother. Spencer, speaking of racing, how was Miami? Are we allowed to say which no account member of the Avengers tried to big time, y'all? We can 100% say that. So I was at the Miami Grand Prix. What you need to know is that in the in the paddock, of course, there are celebrities who come back and forth. Some of them are actual racing fans, people who are interested

and knowledgeable. The example that I really enjoy using is Patrick Dempsey. Patrick Dempsey is like a long time race fan who's really knowledgeable and has driven himself. He's he knows his shit. He's like, do not mess with him. He understands

exactly what he's doing and he loves to talk ball. So that's a very cool thing when you're doing like a little celebrity thing as you go hey, Dr. McDreamy, not only are you handsome and you smell like a fine luggage shop. like the sexiest luggage shop in the world because he does. Didn't he also compliment your beard?

He did. I'm a little biased. You know, he had me of my feelings, you know? He was like, hey, man, your beard looks fantastic.

I was like, thank you. Dr. McBeardy over here. Uh-huh. But he is, he knows his shit. So like, that's cool.

And then there are people who are just there and don't know they're ass from a hole on the ground when comes to racing, which is awesome. And then there's Anthony Mackey. I'm just going to come out and say that because Gary went ahead and posted about this.

So Gary Streisky went ahead and posted about Anthony Mackey being. Gary Streiske, an angel. Gary Streisky, who like, it's not possible. This is like someone being mean to Ryan. You know what? This is the thing that actually makes it different than being mean to Ryan. Gary wants you to come over and be like, hey, man, you're awesome. And Gary's going to be like, hey, man, you're awesome.

And that's like, that's, that's his. M.O. That's the best thing in the days when he comes in. He's like, hey, bro, everything's good. We're good. Total vibes-based guy. But like, he's a genuinely nice person. Correct. Correct. So what he did is he got his phone out because he likes to ask people about their watches because he's a watch guy. And he got his phone out. And Anthony Mackey is within like 20 yards. Also, again, this is all taking place on a television set. Correct. On a visible television set, F1 famously high security where if you're not with ESPN, with a racing team, or a legit celebrity, you can't get in. Yeah, like there's no paparazzi inside here. You have a badge and you scan it and a terrible picture of you comes up on a little screen, right?

Like, hey, we have matched this badge to you and it's behind, it's the second, like, stanchion that you had to go through, the second gate you had to go through. Anyway, so Gary is pulling his phone out. And he is not going to talk to Anthony Mackey. Who Gary does not know is in his orbit. And then from like distance away, you hear it, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Anthony Mackey thinks we're taking, pulling a phone out in a paddock where like Kiki Palmer just walked by. With actual television cameras and actual famous people. And actually really super famous people, you know, have gone by.

And racers like Lewis Hamilton just went by on a scooter. You might have gotten your phone out to take a picture of him. You might have gotten your phone out to take a picture of program darling Yuki Sonoda, the greatest driver in the world. No. Anthony Mackey thinks that you're getting a phone out to take a picture of him. No, no, no, no, no. Second of all, this is like going to Sundance and screaming no pictures. Like, you're there for a fucking reason.

Yeah. You're not famous enough to be this mad. You know, I respect Anthony Mackie's private, like right to his right to not interact with people in public and nobody actually. actually asked to interact with him in public. He's just being a dick. Anyway, not a problem. What did Gary say? Gary was like, bro.

Bro, I am not trying to take a picture of you. Gary was taken aback because it had nothing to do with him. Yes. So other than that, other than Anthony Mackey being a complete dickhead, it was fine. That was some real Hawkeye behavior. you know what it is real hawkeye behavior like because i can see jeremy runner pulling that shit jeremy renner sure hawkeye hawkeye's fine i'll defend hawkai himself the worst avenger by design that's the whole point is there a chance that anthony macky is um just constantly

yelling this independent of his surroundings his settings like regardless of whether there are cameras around just a person no no no no a person who yeah just like allergic to being perceived are you saying that this is the this is the actor who if he has not to have a camera on him is like just he's the philosopher who walks around saying no to the universe like what if for all of his roles they have to they have to like trick him into into performing because you know they have to disguise the camera sort of the opposite of like how you get a child to look at a camera dangle a toy in front of it like they have to actually shield the camera so he does not believe he's being perceived at which point you will then begin actually get a camera acting. I think that's a possibility. He could be like a parrot. Maybe if you just put Anthony Mackey in a dark room and say good night. He's like, oh, it's night time. Like, he's that like, yeah, I don't know. He's just a weird. Also, you guys are real professionals because I would have followed him around for the rest of the day yelling on your left. I'd be doing it in French so I could throw them off my trail.

oh gosh I'm just offended because this happened to Gary man this is like yelling at a precious moments doll

yeah but yeah it's very Miami you go there and now we have Avengers beef so that's cool yeah

we have Avengers beef it's a very Miami thing I got to hang out with I got to hang out and do work with cool people

that's always nice but you go there and you insist that you know you're like oh man like hey this place isn't that bad

it's not that scammy and you're like I don't buy it and then you come home and I just read this like New York mag intelligence or piece about a university of Miami undergrad who had a multi-million dollar return scam running and was like living the Instagram life right like hey king of the desert I'm in Dubai again and he's like like scamming UPS for returns with a staff of eight as an undergrad I could stand to scam UPS right now What I'm saying is, it's all about the you. It's all about the you. Let's just list people and things that we are feuding with this week.

Because I got a UPS feud. I have a UPS feud. What is your feud with UPS? Well, first of all, in defiance of what I understand to be packaged delivery, they tend to leave my packages on the street in front of my driveway rather than anywhere near my house. Like they just kind of gently roll them out the truck. Sometimes it's like they drop-kick them out the truck.

And this past week was one of those times when a friend of the program, Gurgling Cobb, sent two giant jars to my house of his homemade chili crisp, which is a substance very close to God. And I've never seen a package that had looked so much like it had been drop-kicked off the side of a truck because I had never seen a package that had a visible puncture wound directly through the bright red fragile sticker on the side

like it looks like the box has been shot okay so what you're saying is the giant glass jar of chili Christmas I did not fare well through this action Jason do you have an active feud let's see here nothing I can think of

so my feud is against the concept of competition itself. How about that? I'm at war with war. Something like that, I guess. I don't know. No, I don't have a feud. Sorry. That's okay. That's okay. I have a feud. I have several. But my primary one is a lifelong one, which is I am at war with inanimate objects. All of them? All of them. They're all on, there's so many of them right behind you. Don't look now. they're all waiting to turn on you at any point no that they can't yeah they can't i'm telling you they can't have to turn them yeah but they're going to at one point they will turn they will turn

on you this is like toy story is real is what you're saying yeah they will in evil evil you live an evil toy story i live an evil toy story i live in a world where uh when you stub your toe it's never going to care stupid fucking table never i live in a world where uh when something won't fit or when an object is tangled up with another object it's not going to help fuck that thing absolutely hate that thing if there are one too many objects in a room i look at it and i'm like we're fighting you and me the inanimate object it's my big problem with gifts someone gave me another inanimate object what am i going to do with it apparently injure yourself on it yeah that's right i'm going to injure myself on it it's just it's an attack waiting to happen is what i'm saying

yeah so that's this is this is very buddhist it is it is like objects are objects are the enemy objects are suffering yeah people you know that's a hit or miss thing Generally, there to cause trouble. By way of being acted upon. Yes, or simply by just being there kind of like in different stupid selves. Yeah, by being too much of themselves. Being no help. Yeah.

So inanimate objects. So what if you had some sort of a machine that just made all the stuff in your vicinity move? Do you want to be Magneto? Is that what you're saying? So Magneto is like one of my, like if you were going to be a hero, it would be great to be either Magneto or Dr. Doom. You know, Dr. Doom can basically just transmogrify matter in any matter he wants. Sure. Doom can do anything.

Yeah, Doom can do anything, man. Doom's the only guy in the comic book universe who is generally thought up to be an adept manager, right? Like if Dr. Doom is running your neighborhood Jamba Juice, that place is really, really, it's on it, right? They're like, man, that guy, Victor, that guy, Victor down at Jomba Juice keeps that place fucking humming. Yeah, it's going to be, like, crazy exploitative. and he's going to be super manipulative. And he's got some horrendous scheme. And he's probably managed to involve like the devil in some way or something.

But it, the, the orders will be rapid. The orders are going to be rapid. They're going to be accurate. You're just going to end up with it's going to be, it'll be the best customer experience of your life. And also potentially a satanic, you know, deal for the nature of reality. He would only employ. Doom bots as his staff.

So that part's good. You're getting top-of-the-line customer service. That much is certain. What do you not understand about lowering labor costs? Like a job interview with Dr. Doom, there's zero chance you're going to impress that guy. Because you're not him. That's it. Dr. Doom's always believed in AI.

And by that, I mean artificial indentured servants. It means another eye, right? Yes. Doom! um yeah so like that's that's mine sarber do you have a lifelong feud oh it's lifelong i thought it was just right i don't want to say i have a lifelong feud against ePS i'm sure most of the people there work hard yeah i just haven't feud with this specific one who kicked my chili crisp my i mean i'm in a pretty constant feud with hartsell literally everything he says i

disagree with that's fair i hate the way he walks i hate the way he talks i hate the way he talks i hate the way he I mean, Hartzell. Yeah, that's my feud. I drop a disc track each week. What's the latest dust up? I don't even remember. Oh, here's just an example, just an example of the type of fucking behavior

that he participates in. We went and played golf last Friday, and now that classes are... Oh, he deigned to play golf with you? Yeah, but classes are done for me. And also Friday is his day off. And we were talking last week. We were like, yeah, Friday's the day now.

We'll get out here every Friday. Exact words that came out of Hartzell's mouth. Me on Monday. Hey, bud, I'm going to book a Friday at this place. Who you want me? Did he blow you off again? He's like, I'm already in a group this Friday. I'm looking at next Monday.

And it's just like, that's the type of behavior that's like, okay, all right. Like everything he says is like, uh, real. He makes you. you unfamiliar with the hand in the dirt universe. This is not the first or even second time that Hartzl has done this. Third, fourth, fifth, sixth. It's, it's, but that's just one example of like a thing that he's repeatedly done. There's other, you know, the choices he makes about his life in general, the things that

he does out, you know, not just golf, like he, he, he gets on my nerves. And I think it's because I like him so much, um, because he is so, you know, he is so fucking annoying and i like to complain felder and i both have have talked about on the podcast how much joy we get out about complaining about stuff and my friendship with hartsell is really a great avenue for me to be able to complain as much as i want to because he's always going to give me some form of ammunition to be mad and annoyed about so everybody's getting something out of it yeah i think so it's i mean it's a reciprocal relationship and i think honestly he likes um he likes to be wrong otherwise he wouldn't make

the decisions that he makes i like that you're so like eyebrow deep in this you cannot entertain the possibility that he would be correct about something and instead have attributed it to he's got a kink for being wrong he's into that shit doesn't make sense to me but therein lies my point i think it's kind of you to facilitate ryan nanny has joined us and i wanted to go ahead and ask him Ryan, what's your feud? Lifelong or not? What are you beefing with? There are so many answers that I cannot put on a recording.

Oh, no. No, this is invisible. No one can hear you. You can just go ahead and whisper it into the void. Um, okay. Here's one I'll give you. have have this is not just for spencer but anybody anybody here is welcome to answer this have you been in a medical setting where your doctor or whoever is like oh i'm bringing this

like student or recent grad or whatever like i'm bringing them in the room to like learn about this process or like see this like you are you are in some way like um the textbook for the day. Have you had that experience? Yep. Yeah. How do you feel when that happens? I feel like I should get class credit, too. Okay. Okay. I feel like I should get, like, a discount.

Okay. Yeah, it should be like the cosmetology schools where the students cut your hair for, like, 11 bucks. Okay. Yeah. I want a discount appendectomy. Here's how I feel about it. There's a 26-year-old cutting me open. How I feel about it is, boy, do I want to do a good job.

Boy, do I want to be just the, like, the best model patient possible. And that's my feud. My feud is with the stupid part of my brain that is trapped in, like, fourth grade that is, like, got to get an A. Whatever you do, whatever you're doing, you got to get an A at it. You got to do your best. And that shouldn't be true when you go to the fucking dentist, and they're like, yeah, we have a new hygienist here who's going to see a.

how we use this tool. I'm not being graded. I just happen to be there. But there's a stupid part of my brain that is like, oh, got to do good. Got to do good for teacher or else you'll feel bad about yourself. And it's so stupid. It's so fucking stupid. Is there an avenue possibly, let's work through this. Okay, we're going to get through this. The next time this happens to you, maybe the affirmation that you try delivering to yourself in that moment is that the weirder you act, the better the more XP you are granting the student. The greater you increase the difficulty, the quicker they level up, right? Sure.

So if you just really fuck around and start shouting and yelping in pain, the slightest touch. Do they always fart that much? No. No, they don't. That was a wild one. Can I suggest another strategy, which is to begin lying outrageously to him? Like, I found out that a football player did not, and it's NC State linebacker, Peyton Wilson, does not have an ACL.

And he did not have an ACL. Just didn't have it. He's like born with that part. Right? And I think you should start doing that. I think you should start telling whoever you're working with. I should start losing body parts is what you're saying. Like, say you don't have teeth?

You never had it. Right? Like when they go like, hey, we're going to listen to your heart, you should go, hey, look, it's only, I've got six ventricles. That's, that's a lot. That's, you're going in the other direction now. Yeah, yeah, you've got extras. Okay. Gotcha.

I'm built different. I have, yeah. If this is, if this is during one particular moment that your doctor will begin examining, you can be like, hey, listen, I've got two prostates. When you're rooting around up there. got to catch them all you never know where the power is going to go out

you're going to need back of prostate wasn't you saying enough for me anymore guy would look at you go a second prostate and you go buddy it's incredible

it's after market I want to be clear warranties warranties voided on this whole thing now you have that shit installed mm-hmm yep

uh yeah that's the feud I feel comfortable with the feud of self I'm comfortable sharing. AC Delco auxiliary prostates. I think because this is not going to be shocking based on what Holly has accused me of

accurately on this show many times. What? How am I in trouble? No, no, no, no. You're right, is what I'm saying here. I am a deep, deep hater. But I understand that I need, like, in lots of circumstances, I need to keep the hating internal or within closed quarters. I have never said that. You have said that I am the meanest one on the show.

That's a compliment. Okay. I'm just saying it extends, it extends off the show as well. I'm sorry, if at any time that did not emerge as a compliment, I apologize. You're right.

You're right. Because that's not how I meant it. I guess I mean the two are closely related. It's probably. I have a hater's heart. There we go. Which you should tell the medical, the medical trainee.

Just so you know I don't have any medical allergies But I do have the heart of a hater And a poster Bight you if you're not careful Why are we talking about feuds? Drake But also UPS

UPS is trifling with me Okay I thought Okay I thought maybe I received I received the most sarcastically damaged package That I've ever seen

How can I I don't mean to be rude what makes a package sarcastically damaged so you know things happen you know things get shipped through the mail and things get dropped but i got a package that had a i'll put a picture up of it that had an enormous puncture wound in the side of it directly through the fragile sticker oh oh you wanted to ship this glass here fuck oh kick kick kick kick yeah yeah that's that's like we need we're filming home alone seven some reason a package is a key part of it also we need to show The sticker is vinyl. It's not a paper sticker.

It's not hard. It's not easy to punch through. And there's like a three-sided hole directly through the middle of the fragile sticker. I mean, it really, like the picture that you showed me, it does look like it was going through the cafeteria at the prison. And somebody was like, shake, shake, shake. Yeah. It's summer. Major League Baseball's in full swing.

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download game time today last minute tickets lowest price guaranteed i i thought maybe we were talking about feuds because of what i assume will be an ongoing feud between the 2024 class at ohio state university and the people who organized commencement and decided to get i have this on my list of things you talk about it so much of people sent this to me and i didn't look at it what happen if you send me a video i probably won't watch it i just need to tell everybody this a couple of things have happened so let's source this first this is this was originally reported i saw it from max litman writing for the rooster correct which has been taking the piss out of ohio idiots for years now um and involves the choice of commencement speaker for

Ohio State's stadium graduation because they graduate a shitload of people who all got to listen to the philosophical musings of one businessman entrepreneur, visionary, and ayahuasca enthusiast Chris Pan. Oh. Described by one of his former coworkers when the rooster asked them about what it was like

to work with Chris Pan as the, the worst human I have ever known I believe was which I have a former co-worker who is the worst human I've ever known so like yeah that's funny which one no no that would be current

oh yeah that's the worst human I've ever worked with man we had a real run of choices there for a minute I could have picked from like five you Spencer you've misquoted this slightly it's not a former co-worker It's an unnamed university source who said that working with Chris for the commencement process is he is the worst person I have ever worked with. Wow.

Yeah. Okay. I couldn't get it in the video chat, but I send it to the group text. Please check your phones for the package in question. And just look at the state of the fragile sticker in particular. That's pretty funny. That's pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah. It looks like some sort of dinosaur just chomped right through the fragile sticker. Which, by the way, rest of the box, pristine, directly over the fragile handle with care sticker, mayhem. That's deeply funny. So, yeah, Ohio State commencement. A couple of details that are important here. Ohio State doesn't pay. Ohio State gets to have commencement.

So Ohio State doesn't pay commencement speakers, which is, I guess, unusual. or not how lots of schools do it. Wait, not even like an honorarium? Do they pay travel expenses? They may, but I don't think it's like... That is weird. It's not the same level, at least, of what they do. You know what, that's commitment

because that's more money we can put into the football program. This dude, when Ohio State, which has like a committee of students and faculty and whatever that picks the commencement speaker, when they reached out to him, they emailed him and he thought it was a prank. and he did not respond. So they had to call him to follow up to be like, no, we want you to speak at commencement. That's red flag number one, I would say.

How did the students get this decision past the faculty? Uncle, it's unclear, like, where this came from because this is not, like, I looked him up, and this dude has, like, I don't know, 18,000 Instagram followers. He's not like, oh, he's specifically famous in this way. He has a bracelet company. where you, like, pick a motivational word, and they send you a bracelet with the word on it.

He's done some other shit. He worked at McKinsey, for instance. So, like, I'm not trying to completely no-sell his life, which is a harsh way to put it. But, like, this, here's the important thing. At some point during the speech, he stopped and decided to extol the virtues of Bitcoin and to talk it like he a lot of the speech was about sort of like being open to new experiences and how like you grow through learning about new things in life and whatever and there's a whole section in here about like how Bitcoin is misunderstood and needs to be

something that people think about at graduation at a commencement speech this is happening he did a magic trick with the school president he tried to lead the crowd in two different songs he was booed I'm not hearing a downside at least in the last 10 seconds fucking cool according to the

our graduation speaker was Howard Baker do you know how much I would have preferred a magician I'm reading an article now about how he was like posting drafts of his speech on Instagram I can't find those but they're right up according to the songs according to this, the songs were

the four non-blons and this little light of mine? That's correct. Yes. So that did make the final cut? I believe it did, yeah. There's video of him singing what's going on by four non-blondes and trying to get the entire crowd to sing along. A good number of them are mostly I can understand out of sarcasm. Because at that point

I just shared a link if you want to hear the groan, the collector grown that the audience made when the word Bitcoin came out of his mouth. It's great. I have such hope for the future because this guy's talking and you can collectively hear tens of

thousands of people go, what the fuck? And a few people who do what they should, which is hysterical laughter, knowing that you've now sailed clear into the bullshit zone and you are no longer responsible to treat this with any kind of respect or credulity. Yeah, it's great.

So the kids are singing along to this 31-year-old song? Someone. Someone was singing along with it. Yeah. It was... Not many. This song that its highest chart peaks were in like Norway. Yeah, this

was not hang on sloopy live at the shoe. It was not that experience. No. No. It's pretty like, I think I don't know. At best, you hope that your commencement speaker

will be like notable. and and or maybe funny or whatever he was those years all of those right I guess he's notable he's notable now you know what you'll never people won't forget this commencement it also no people pointed out like oh this is who if you graduated this year from Ohio State you probably you were probably in the high school class of 2020 which meant you didn't have a graduate like a real in-person graduation for that so this is what you got instead was random bracelet man telling you to buy Bitcoin and trying to get you to sing this little light of mine. Bitcoin in 2024.

Like, after the jig is unfathomably up. Yeah. If you would like to know how cooked Twitter is generally, the video of everyone in the audience going, when the word Bitcoin comes up, the video, the comments underneath it are nothing but blue checks. being like, they just took out six figures in student loans when they could be financially independent and a bunch of people who are just like, hire, hire. And I'm like, oh, dude, it is so sweet how the number of hooks cannot possibly exceed the number of gaping mouths ever, ever.

Yeah. So I know this podcast is often very anti-Ohio State, but today I think we stand with the Ohio Why do I have seen students who booed their own commencement speaker? Just as during the saga of Tequila Derek, we were for about 10 minutes ardently pro-law enforcement. You know, I believe that we stand on the side of, that we stand on the side of righteousness, no matter who is wearing the shield. Yeah. Yeah, the kids are okay, that's what we're saying. So this dude said he tried AI for help with his commencement speech, but that's the kid said he tried AI for help with his commencement speech.

but then he said did you see what he described AI as well after AI failed yeah he then tried H.I higher intelligence right so apparently that is the good shit absolutely not yeah this guy also very random songs that were popular in Sweden 30 years ago yeah also I believe this guy said that if you want to come hang out with him at like a mega church afterwards like you are more than welcome to so this other Instagram post of his says it's been his like he's it's if of him in ohio state stadium appears to be wearing a west virginia shirt um and he's saying it's been his lifelong dream to create a secular spiritual experience which i guess that was what that was i i guess i guess that was his demonstration if you would like a secular football isn't that

that's what i'm saying you're in the fucking football stadium what do you think it's for i'm like buddy it's called a big 10 football game it's a different denomination but it's that's what it is and like you're the first person who thinks that hey what if you could have a spiritual experience without using the names of religious stuff no fucking shit people like I'm 100,000 years ago when there were no words people were having spiritual experiences

you're talking about the warp tour the warp tour yeah well five iron frenzy played warp tour so not entirely but I I do think this means Spencer could be next year's commencement speaker in Columbus. Yeah, why have we never been commencement speakers? I don't want to. I won't do it.

I will tell you, I will do it for free. I was the speaker at my own graduation, and I think I've already told the story of how that went, so I won't belabor it again. But we should make ourselves available for these as a group. Will you talk about Bitcoin, Spencer? First thing. I think you should lead into something even more. I think you should, like, go into, like, you should be buying gold now.

Silver. Yes. I'm going to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm just going to get up there and I'm going to do what Zach Fox always does at interviews when he's not sure how they're going. He's like, you should buy a generator and a gun. Everyone's going to cheer that. I'm going to be like, all of you should buy fucking guns.

They're going to be like, that's right. Big guns, small guns, pretty guns, ugly guns. So you're going to do this at like UMass, right? No, I'm going to do this at Ohio State. They're mascots the fucking minute men. You must might be into it. You're going to do this at Harvard. Oberlin.

Yeah, I'm going to be like, you should take... Let's go to Oberlin. I'm just to tell them a bunch of shit that I know they'll think is sick. I'll be like, hey, man, you know, you could invest your money in Bitcoin. Boo. Or you could just buy a bunch of Zins. Not that three milligram shit. Uh-uh.

You need to get on it. I need you to be on so much caffeine and nicotine. You can barely decide whether you're alive. or not. Today you graduate from Prepar Dine University. Wow. You could invests in Bitcoin or you could bring back the Panera Lemonade.

Yeah. Government won't let you have the zappy lemonade's anymore because I got some right now in a pickup truck. Out back. I've got documents here that said the National Guard didn't know how to control people who were on the Panera death lemonade. You can stand in line for a diploma or you can follow me to my truck.

Do y'all know how long this... Do y'all know how long this Panera Lemonades were being sold before they became a thing? At least the year, I think, right? They've been out for ages. But people had to go on Instagram and brag about how they were having 10 of them and then freak out.

Yeah. I'm just going to get up there and be like, hey, man, I'm going to do every, like, everything that anyone wants to hear, I will 100% tell them. Like, whatever they want me to say. I will do everything for applause lines It's a cheap pop

It's a great day to be here in Amherst, Massachusetts That's right Fuck the Yankees Unlike those scumbags in Connecticut So this brings up the other Graduation-related story That's going around in the moment Which has to do with our good friend Rick Flair

In Gainesville, Florida. Have you seen this one? I don't know about this. Yes, yes. He was kicked out of a Pisano's Yes, Rick Flair guy kicked out. Rick Flair claims he, after dropping $1,500 at a pizza restaurant in Gainesville. Yeah. But buddy, I know pizza restaurants in Florida, you can buy coke at it. It doesn't cost that much.

Yeah, Hungry Howey's just everywhere. Mind you, if you're anyone unfamiliar, let's calibrate this based on wrestler lies, such as the other thing Rick Flair says this week, which is that he made $39,000 from being an Amigo song that allegedly made 40. million according to him. Nobody made $48 million off a fucking meagos song. So that's the level of truthfulness that we have here when it comes to Rick Flair. I have to scroll through Rick Flair's timeline to get to it. For some reason, he's calling out Kendrick Perkins for something he said about, something he said about LeBron James. His pin tweet is, I'm not even

kidding, about a cryptocurrency called Woo Coin that he is walking. All right. How don't we not know about that? Rick Flair says he spent $1,500 at Paizano's to be disrespected more than I ever have in my entire life. Wow. After taking 20 pictures with customers and staff, I was asked to. I was asked to leave because of an issue I had with the kitchen manager taking too long in the bathroom. What? Boo?

But, but, all right. So this means, so they were. was cocaine that needed to be done um disrespected more than his entire life this is a man who has had his pants pulled down at T&A wrestling by this is a man who according to his own allegation uh had a heart attack during his retirement match a year ago when he could literally couldn't move like this is the peak of disrespect his fifth retirement match yes to be clear is he retires every three years as since 2008 yes and then he runs out of money And this is the peak humiliation.

I tell you now, with a tear in my eye. I got to go boom, boom. Did it knock all the consonants out of them? So there is video of... Yes, there's video. The restaurant has said that they have reviewed the video, and it is clear that their team worked in a professional manner to ensure the safety of guests and staff.

and they're proud of how they responded but they have no plans to release the video huh well it's out so someone did oh is it yeah yeah it's like someone's phone video or something it's he is hammered um this man is I don't know 75 or something

completely unkillable he's tried for decades yeah he's just gone just saying shit and they just keep telling him like you need to leave and yeah So congrats to Florida and Ohio State for having completely normal graduation weekends, as always.

Which, if you had to pick two. Oh, simpatico, as always. Also, I'm sorry to say you already missed it. You could have, if you had been paying attention to Rick Flair's Twitter presence back in April. You could have seen him, Mike Tyson at Pete Rose at the Minnesota Card Show from April 18th to 21st. What a fucking crew. Well. Just.

It's just the title is regrets. They're all, I think they're all in the wrestling hall of fame. They should be. Man, it's, like, who's the one to hang out with there? Of those three. If this is a, like, if this is a, like, death is not an option kind of scenario. This is fake stomach varus.

In a more just timeline, like, their fourth is Trump. I might instead. I mean, Rick Flare might give me $1,500 worth of pizza. So I think I've got to go with him. With a little something extra sprinkled in, most likely. As long as I don't use the bathroom, Rick Flair's not going to have a problem with me, apparently. Did Rick just, was he just adamant about shitting right there? No, the rumor going around is that Rick definitely wanted to get into the bathroom, but not to use it in that sense.

That is extremely asterisk allegations. this, that, the other, but that is what is being reported. I think at very least that's the type of situation where well, if that's not what he was doing then, it's probably what he was doing the day prior. There is a timeline where that's what Rick Flair needed to use the bathroom before.

Just pick one incident that we don't know about yet and pretend we said that one. Yeah. This is all making me wish I hadn't skipped all my graduation ceremonies. I didn't know that there was such fun to be had between Bitcoin speeches and Rick Flair pizza fights. Yeah, they're all like that. I skipped mine too.

Did everyone else the 10 years? Y'all are so lucky. I don't want to go to mine and was told very forcefully by my mother that graduation ceremonies are not for you, dummy. That's true. It's true. Jokes on her? She had listened to Howard Baker.

They're for cryptocurrency. Tennessee is so sad. Do you know where we had ours at Tennessee? And first of all, it's arts and sciences, so it's the biggest school, right? There's like, this is why I laugh when people ask me. Like, do you know such and such? They went to Tennessee. There's 7,000 people in my graduating class.

And Florida, I know yours was bigger. But we had ours in Thompson bowling in the basketball arena. But they didn't, I guess they didn't want to damage the woods. So they just had the, the parquet pulled up. It was just on the bare concrete floor. It was the saddest. You know, New England is right there. And, of course, that would have been broiling.

But we just had it like on the bare. concrete floor of the gym. It was so stupid. So everyone from my class went like into the teeth of a recession for jobs which apparently limits like if that limits to when I graduated it's one of only 23

of the last you know 28 29 years. Well yeah 1929 was like that. Yeah it was it was it was harsh you know we were we were graduating and drinking bathtub gin from an actual bathtub and we towed around that contained

the corpse of William Taft. He gave a pecan taste to the liquor. But anyway, the guy who gave the commencement speech was an astronaut. And I remember the guy next to me in the middle of the in the middle of the speech going, are we going to have to leave the planet to find a job? I was like, I think that's the message here

is, yeah, you're going to, this dude sucks so bad. He couldn't find a job on Earth. He's like, who's coming with me? yeah let's go they have benefits in health care on the moon did I ever tell you all that at the

at Tennessee's graduation ceremony you do not get your diploma is that is that to like make sure you act right or is that something else or is that like to make sure you finish paying all your books off or whatever I'm sure that's in there somewhere but I think it might primarily be an organizational

thing because again they don't even try to make you sit in order right for um for for seven thousand people you have a card with your name on it and you just sit wherever you want which was cool because like our like our department got to sit together and i got to like walk across the stage like right after my best friend and and all that fun stuff and we got you know we all got to sit together during the four fucking hours that it took to read seven thousand names but you know you you walk into the stage you hand them your name they say your name to the mic and you walk across stage and you get this little orange card

board tube. And when you open it up, it's a letter from the alumni association, welcoming you to the alumni association and asking you for money. Yeah. That's good shit. Oh, man. God. Guess who's the commencement speaker at Vanderbilt? David Brooks, New York Times call. You know what? That is form meeting function. I love it. It's very funny. I found a list. I don't know how accurate this is. It's very funny looking through like Jennifer Coolidge is speaking at Wash You. That seems great. Wow. That seems fine.

Joe Flacko speaking at Delaware. Sure. Like that's the easy go-to, I think. It's like, go get it. To bring back Joe every year. That Joe Flacko speech, man, that's going to be two minutes long. I'll be like, hey, guys, there's snacks in the back. Uh-huh.

Did you know, if you work hard enough, you can get gummy bears for life? It's like, damn, that's that, you know what? That's a simple message. And gummy bears retain their value much more consistently than Bitcoin was. Thanks, Harry, Joe. Like, the range here is, for some reason, Al Gore is doing the commencement speech at UC San Diego. Sure. I don't totally understand that.

That's because they have free food. Hello. I guess so. Al Gore seems like the kind of guys like honorarium, free food. Yeah, you're probably right. I will be there. Jerry Seinfeld, Duke University commencement, May 12th. Oh, perfect.

I love it. I love it. You can't make jokes about Duke anymore these days. Roger Federer is doing the commencement at Dartmouth. Dude, did you see the video? The hype video they made for Roger Federer going to Dartmouth is actually really sweet. I haven't seen that.

Like the dean or whoever is wearing his sneakers. That's great. That's adorable. Like, hat say Jack, commencement speaker at Hillsdale. Correct. No notes. No notes whatsoever. Nope, that's correct.

Sure. Like, I don't know. I don't think this is that hard. I feel like. you could I feel like the lesson here is like get beloved like Stephen Jackson is doing Oregon States it's like cool go there like that's what I was going to say we need to skew younger this is like Stephen Jackson's a perfect demo yeah yeah so I don't know how Ohio State fuck this up so badly but I listen I think that's I think they taught him everything about

how modern life's going to go you're like yeah look at this scammer ass dude he's up here Spellman got Angela Bassett. What a fucking blowout of Ohio State, that is. Temple got Quintra Brunson, like Steve Wozniak is doing Colorado. That seems fine. Like, I don't think that's cracking my top 10. Oh, Spencer, you did do one this year. Rain Wilson, Weaver State.

Yeah, there you go. See? David Brooks is not what I want to go to, though. Unless he is drunk and crying. Right. in the rain. Can I be raining as well? Ryan, is this, are they having it at the stadium?

I, no, there's no way they are, because it's still deeply under construction. So you couldn't theoretically stand outside and heckle, like, with a boom box. God, that'd be tempting. That'd be tempting, but no, I don't think I could. Hey, is Michael Barbaro doing any of these? I'm just asking. I'm not, I don't see anybody else from the New York Times. I don't know.

A tech reporter, Cecilia King, is doing Whitman, but David Brooks is the only other. New York Times person. See, nobody wants to hear you talk to New York Times. I'm kind of amazing to let them do this. Just get out there and tell people things that are absolutely true about life. I feel like no one could stop you from ordering your kids meal. I'm not telling you that to be frugal. I'm telling you that because I want you to be ungovernable.

Walk up there. Demand a Zaxby's kid meal. Stedman is doing Ball State. What? That's right. The worst on here has already taken place. Adrian College had Riley Gaines, who just absolutely not, absolutely unnecessary.

I mean, there's some competition there. Tim's got it, Liberty. But that one feels like, you know, we're playing the hits. Sure, sure. Like, there's definitely a crew of these that are just, that you scroll through the list and it's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but he'd have to read. Right?

That's the problem with getting rid in house. I do think Bernie Sanders is a funny one, New Hampshire, University of New England. Yeah. That man's, that man's, uh, it'd be so cranky. Vocal range. Yeah. That man blurting it. Imagine, imagine Bernie Sanders trying to leave you in song.

I'm having trouble picturing him like without mittens. Like, what does he look like in the summer? So there are three astronauts on this list. Mm. Un.C. Rice and Northeastern. So it's, becoming a trend again again you had to go to space to find a job i don't want to hear shit for me is bill barnwell the northeastern astronaut i don't you know what give me chris pan

over an astronaut because you know what he's making it happen down here but i thought the whole point of bitcoin was that it's going to the moon isn't the same thing mixed messages kids you you figure out which is right surprise college isn't over top quiz i just want you to be part of this community do your own research, is what I would say. Aaron Rogers commencement speaker. I mean, that's basically what Ohio State got, right? They got less famous Aaron Rogers, yes. Yeah, yeah.

Like, what if Aaron Rogers didn't play football? You got, you got like Darren Rogers. Could you talk your way into a commencement speech as Darren Rogers with people just assuming you were Aaron Rogers? I think on Ohio State, maybe you could. That's what we're learning here. With the right amount of, like, LinkedIn bullshit, you could probably get that to happen. Yeah.

We're on LinkedIn. We are on LinkedIn. Yeah. Step one. It's complete. Shit. Yeah. We're on our way.

Maybe we start to sneak in. Okay. It's just, you know, it's bowls here and there. Maybe we start to sneak in via, like, low-key December commencement ceremonies. Mm. Okay. That means, you know, juniors start agitating for us now. Or, like, small grad school programs or something?

Okay. You won't find anyone cheaper. And folks, if you want to know what's really going to make a difference here, it's the low cost of zero. Yeah, Spencer spoke at the veterinary medicine graduation ceremony. It's wild. It's talking about the various animals he could befriend. None of it was backed up by science at all. No.

There'd be some people naughty, though. I have some vets who are like, you know what, llamas are like that. So true. So true. So true. This man, he's proving that life is the biggest university. And that learning is a lifelong endeavor. See, if I could get any guy to be a commencement speaker, it would be that coworker of my brothers for West Virginia who would ask him when they were going whoring.

Like in the year 2015. Yeah, it'd be like, so hey, when are we going horn? he was also the guy who said, well, you don't want those federal charges. If I could just get him because he got drunk and drove through a post office.

That's an early full case. That's an early full cast. Yeah, I would get that guy. I didn't know this was that guy. I'm going to call him cleat. If you're out there, a cleat would be the guy who I think would be,

you know, he'd go, you know, he might want to get married once, but maybe twice, but like by the third one, you know, it's not for you.

Don't do it. So I'm scrolling. Ohio States past commencement speakers. Okay, good, good. We have both George Bush's, John, I forget I to say his name, Boner, Boehner, that guy. Bainer. There goes Bill Cosby. It's a crew. It's a... Who's the best, who's the best one that you have found? Neil Armstrong's in here. Okay, sure. Which again, follows the trend. I don't want to hear it. Neil, get a job down here. What about submariners? Are you, are you open? in having them.

Like, in some ways, they're furthest from the moon. I can hear that, yeah. Okay. Because that's really, do you know what that is? That's office work. That's respectable, right? Ohio State had Jungle Jack Hanna. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, did he bring animals?

Did he have animals? The way everyone's eyes lit up around the chat, right when it is like, like, imagine, like, imagine jungle Jack Hanna takes to the stage and the sky saw. only darkens as the beating of wings. So furtakes every other sound you can hear as he summons his animal army. The actual dream. Bow, bow before jungle Jack.

I'm reading the transcript of Jack's speech. He says, I don't know, the CEO of the zoo is here, so he'll have to figure out who you are. To all graduates in all seriousness, if you bring your diploma in the next two weeks, we're open, it'll save you $30. That's news you can use,

but I see. This is what we're saying. And we want, tell these folks who have just gotten in $100,000 worth of debt how to save 30 bucks. This is exactly what Spencer said. I was so irritated by the time it came time to graduate Tennessee that I did not purchase a diploma. I don't have one. Can't prove I was there. Except I'm in the graduation program, but let's not talk about it.

I think every single graduation speaker should have Jack Hanna like next to him. Yeah, well, yeah, but no, but like the Sandman comes out and clear you off. Like David Brooks is going through his like fourth bromide. Like, you know, the white supremacists sitting next to you, you should reach a hand out to them and hear their ideas. And we're like, nah, nah, cut it. Bring in Jack and the snakes. Bring in Jack and the snakes. Jack is very much just winging it, reading this transcript.

I only have, he says, what I must say here, folks, is very brief. Only three or four pages typed big. By the way, I only have 13 minutes and I have 12 animals. Anyway, she's just fucking winging it. This is a great speech. Tell us about the time you had to spray a bear four times because it was so aggressive on the trail, Jack. So one time on the trail. Now, those of you might not realize this, this is not a Canadian lynx.

Where I live up in northwestern Montana, he's pretty stressed. I'm up there shaking and this thing's sleeping. Anyway, this is a Siberian lynx. Our Canadian is half as small. I want you to notice he's getting bigger now. He's about half a year and a half old. He'll get a big mane like the African lion. But look at one thing.

I know. The camera, Brian, is the. that way, but I want to show you something. Unlike any cat in the world, I'm so fucking inspired. He's just doing his tonight show routine. That's all it is. He's in front of graduating. Yeah. And it's fucking awesome. All we need is. What are you inviting him for? If not to do that. That's true. I want to give this penguin his diploma. Anyway, that's Punky the penguin. Those that saw happy feet with Robin Williams. This penguin was flown to Los Angeles and got to walk down the red carpet. This is education. This is a

Now, here's my question. Do you think he did this speech in graduation robes or in, like, khaki shorts and his shirt? Oh, yeah, and in this safari gear. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. The safari gear, it's like a never nude. It just doesn't come off. Okay, Jack, we just need you to put this.

Absolutely not. Not even for the Pope would I change these clothes, brother. Yeah. His legs will grow no more in his lifetime. They will be this long. He looks abnormal. Why is that? Because he lives 90% of his life in trees.

90%. Now, you look at that coat there. This coat, about two years ago in Europe, they found amount selling these coats from about 15 years ago. Guess what one coat was? $80,000. Is this a, is Jungle Jack Hanna advising Ohio State graduates to go into poaching? Yes, yes. And they'd be like, that's all your student loan debt. They would be so happy. They'd be like, dude, this guy's given us ideas, plans, strategums. This cat is not powerful, everybody. This cat cannot take even a huge. down hardly.

What does hardly mean, Jack? They can hit you at 70 miles an hour and stun their prey. They stun their prey is what they do. If you look at the foot of the cat, if we can see it. Evidently, there's someone zooming in parts of all these animals.

So what I mean now is jungle Jack Hanna. If your school doesn't have a graduation speech, just play this portion of dishes. Let's say the zebra and the antelope are out there eating, right? Just having a good time. And they see the cheetah. It is the heat of the day. They're not hunted because they think at nighttime.

All of a sudden, the zebra goes, oh, they're just baby cheetahs, not knowing she is sitting over there. So what I'm, what I'm hearing, what I'm hearing, by the way, is that this man could totally sell me on cryptocurrency. Like if in the middle of all of this, he was like, Pangolin coin. I'd be like in. I'm so totally in on Pangolin coin. A small group of people. It's true. I'm not seeing Jack Hanna

cryptocurrency. I don't know how many times you've had a Cheetah in a graduation and I probably won't be coming back so probably never again. Have you ever had one here? No, probably not. I'm almost finished.

I had 13 minutes. Probably not. And you know Rick Flair would be in the audience being like, whoa, greatest graduation I've ever been to. I'm so disrespected by that manatee that Jungle Jack brought out.

Like, why does graduation have to be a speech? Why can't it, why couldn't we get like, all right? Can't it be a dance? Why can't it be animal presentation? I'm absolutely certain someone has painted a waterfall mural and called that a convention speech. Why can't it be a wrestling match? Why can't it just be like, we have two wrestlers here. We have, we're just, like, it's not a whole thing.

We're just going to do one match. Why can't it be an ice skating performance? Why can't it be tug a war between professors or something? It doesn't have to be a speech. People can be inspired by other things. should be, it should be like field day in elementary school and everyone should have to go through feats of strengths. Yes. I mean like egg carrying races on a spoon. Yeah. Like Holly, how proud would you be if Tennessee's commencement performer was Bianca Bel Air? Just doing cool stuff. Compared to the distance between who we had, which was among other things, Ronald Reagan's chief of staff, yeah. Like, what if you got to walk across the stage while somebody was doing sick motocross tricks? There. That's a reason to do it in Neeland.

Right. Tony. Tony Hawk commencement speech. Who is the commencement speaker at your graduation? Grave digger. That's who it was. Fucking grave digger. Stivo.

Redeemer. Steveo would be, listen, do you want to know who's got real life lessons to teach you, friends? Yeah. It's a truly inspirational person. Yeah. Do you want to, I mean, do you want to fucking know who is going to tell you things that will keep you out of trouble? It will be, Steve will be like, everybody here.

I'm going to table my nuts to my leg. But first, I need to make sure. Don't ever get addicted to the poppers. Don't. All right. And now some shit that's so weird, even Johnny Knoxville would not let me do it. All right. I'm starting the movement now.

Steve O'clock, Ohio State Commencing speaker. Steve O. H. Ohio State, I know how this sounds, but we're trying to help you. This doesn't happen a lot. Oh, yeah. It'd be huge improvement. Again, I don't really see the problem.

I think they learned a lot of things that they're, they learned a lot of things from Chris Pan. Kept their mind open. Sang a song or two. Learn that adulthood is an illusion, a falsehood. And that scamming, scamming will get you. Scammon will definitely get you somewhere. It'll get you commencement speaking gig in Ohio State. I have a story to share with you.

Oh, Jesus. It's from the intelligents, sir. Okay. And there's a story called the Package King of Miami. And the Package King of Miami is basically this kid who went to the U who was in. profile. He's from Darien, Connecticut. A lot of people in this profile are like, you know, we thought it would go to an Ivy. But for some

reason, he went to the U. And then he immediately started posting on Instagram about how he was hanging out in Dubai, which he was. And had this jet setting Miami lifestyle, which he did. And was all the time running an elaborate multi-million dollar return scam against, among other people, Holly, UPS. It's kind of a hero story, really. But I wanted to share this passage, which was, according to Frommer, the recent graduate had a class with Bergwald. Students at UM were generally impressed by his entrepreneurial moxie.

Frommer to summarize the group, the collective reaction as, so yeah, he's a scammer, but good for him. He added, this type of fraud at that high a level, obviously would have. have come from U.M. I'm doing the U. So fucking hard right now. I only am hearing pragmatism. Yeah. I like that, you know,

we have linebacker U and tight end you and this, that, the DVU. I like that high level fraud you is unquestionably Miami and everyone else is just playing for second place at this point. That the classmates

were like, yeah, he's a scammer, but, dude, have you seen his Instagram account? Worth it. Listen, Miami students, I feel like Miami students have to learn, I mean, I think even Miami students in a normal year, learn one of life's most important lessons earlier probably than just about anybody else, which is that it's always better to have a friend with a boat than to have a boat. That is true. That may be the truest thing ever. said on this podcast. The best way to not get scammed is to know all the scammers.

You know? Like, if you go to some, if you go to some other college, like, you might have scammers as well, but they're hiding. They're not being, they're being sneaky about it. But a Miami scammers out here on fucking front street, like, let you know, like, hey, scam this way. Yeah, and hard. They're like, yo, dude, he scams so hard. It's like, I think he's scamming so hard that it might be legit. shit, which is not true. Which is not true. But that is how they try to get you.

Bro, he scammed himself into legality. It's amazing. He scammed all the way back around. If you can sort of sell that you yourself scammed yourself, right? Like if you've conquered yourself, if you fell for your own shit, right? Right. Yeah. The Miami way.

I mean, that explains, you know, some of their football. decisions, some of their coaching decisions, right? It's not fraud if you think it's awesome. There's a lot of like 11 dimensional chess going on at the end of games last year. I think, I think, I think, I think we're seeing something. Shouldn't you take a knee, bro, it's a scam. But if I don't, when I should, then. You've got to keep that shit going.

They'll never see that coming. that's how you zag on the market bro yeah that's how you short the market you know of time like yeah i'm shorting existence the the concept of time the appearance the illusion of time hold on rick fliers in my bathroom daddy needs to go poo poo god damn dude is poo a euphemism sir Pretty sure it is. You have not shot in 35 years, and everyone knows it.

You have not eaten any food in 35 years. Woo! Pills! You are... Oh, wow. What a missed opportunity for the Bobby Petrino era. How did we never hit Woo Pills Suey? Oh, that is a shame. Give it time.

It's still the Bobby Patrino. It's true. Oh, God, I keep forgetting about that. Still is, baby? We are so back. Oh. Hey, speaking of back, can we hit a little podcast business? In the style of graduation.

That's who should do. Gainesville should be the jaguars mascot. I'm going to fucking. set myself on fire now go fuck up the world you're going to go three and nine in life so speaking of uh we we opened this episode by talking about cars yeah huh huh because because we knew all along what we were going to circle back to yeah that's right you not us you listener can catch the internet's only college football college football college football podcast, fast.

Live, technically, in Indianapolis, Indiana, on Friday, May 24th, there is a link for tickets for sale available on our, quote, our website, which is pre-owned airboats.com. There are a couple other announcements on there for shows that we have announced that are not yet on sale, but our house. Those would be in Portland, Oregon at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry on Friday, July 26th. I am laughing because of what that show is going to entail. I cannot wait. We are also doing a festival with our friends. Hand in the Dirt in Raleigh, North Carolina on Saturday, August 24th. That is week zero. Tickets for that go on sale May 25th. There is an additional slight detour happening. We have a very crowded summer. We have another year of Michigan winning the charity bowl. We wanted to do something to say thank you.

So the day after the Indianapolis show, that would be Saturday, May 25th, That is a Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. There is going to be a teensy, weency little Channel 6 meetup. Spencer and I are going up to Ann Arbor after the Indianapolis show. We're going to be at our favorite place in all of Michigan, the Ann Arbor Downtown Library. In the lobby, there's a stage and everything. Spencer and I will be on it.

There will be a couple of Michigan-specific special guests. We have a fairly loose agenda plan for the evening. We just wanted to come say hi and hang out with y'all while we were in the area. We have some history-themed trivia planned because we are in Michigan. We will have Jane Koston's face on an iPad because she selfishly will be overseas at a wedding. This is a free event. You don't need a ticket. We're going to send out an email to the donor list here this week just so we can get an RSVP and a vague headcount.

But turn on up. It's going to be Saturday night, Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. That is May 25th from 6.30, or sorry, from 6 to 7.30 p.m. at the Ann Arbor, downtown library. Our very, very favorite place. This feels like a very, very poor way of repaying you guys for the Michigan million this year. We're going to try and do something else during football season, something a little more special. But for now, we just wanted to come and wave and hang out with our donors and say thank you for another absolutely spectacular year of fundraising. Saturday night at the library.

On a holiday weekend. This is the only team we can trust to turn up for this. Nerds, come commune with us. We love you. That's all the business I got. The one other... Jason, you're signed a book. well the one other fun factor too about the um indianapolis show uh along with your ticket you get food

and you get home field stuff this is not this is not merely a show you're getting a you're getting a full uh you're getting a full evening of all your needs being pampered and taken care of uh and the ticket count i don't know up to this moment but uh last i heard only about 70 tickets remained so don't delay folks That's Indianapolis Indiana Additional business The Midwest United States of America

Part of the Big Ten Conference United States of America Is part of the Big Ten Conference It just expanded It added something in Vancouver Earth Not the moon Not space where lazy people go to get jobs

Yeah Losers Big Ten has yet to expand out there You know who has a job on Earth Jack Hanna Thank you.