Shutdown Fullcast - The Flu Game Charity Bowl Episode

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Down half the host roster, Spencer and Ryan have control of this ship and take it to totally normal places like: Why West Virginia fans should contribute $19.07 to this year's Charity Bowl at www.edsbscharitybowl.com A passionate defense of Dog Law (the laws by which dogs live) Imagining what the world looks like if South Carolina wins an SEC title Issuing a challenge of historical import to NBA2K YouTubers Taking Canada down a damn peg for once Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Not only does this cyclist hit a dog who, a dog who does not, a dog who does not understand how traffic or vehicles work and has never seen them before. The cyclist has the misfortune to run into the fattest fucking dog in this village. Look at that unit. That is a, that is a, oh, a little more, sir. A little more from the table, please. that dog that dog has stolen more butter than most of us

will consume in our lives do you know how hard you have to work to be a fat dog in fucking France all organic non-GMO no added sugars that dog that dog has been living high on the hog

that dog is so fat and happy it doesn't understand danger and that guy runs right into it and if you look the bike doesn't The dog doesn't give it all. The bike is destroyed, and the dog just goes, oh, it's just you get some of hay.

Oh, la Lord. The dog, the dog weighs probably 45 pounds, and the bike weighs, what, two and a half? Yeah. I'm surprised we don't see more cyclists hit dogs, and then the bike just shatter. Just right, yep. the nature of Remko's dog

another feature of cycling when it's not in the Tour de France is the shoddy camera work and the inability to have any angle of the favorite of the race at a critical moment other than a helicopter and so there's like a circle it's all like Los Angeles police chase yeah the only good clips you have are of him

turning around going what the fuck Good, good I also really like the The title of this YouTube Unpero provoca An accident I'm in I am in

The dog looks so sheepish Too like Oh my beautiful day This is the type Like compared to our big French boy This is the tiniest fucking dog It's the tiniest little Antifa dog

Just going in being like Anarchy Yeah, anarchista! Oh my God. Some have posited that the dog may be Slovenian and this was done

in order to favor Slovenian cyclist Primo Shrublage. You know, I like, I like, I like, though, that the dog

doesn't continue through the Peloton. The dog does its job that gets out of the way. That's not a look at me, Louie. Fuck you, Rimco,

I'm out. That's not, that's not, yeah, exactly. Look, the dog's like, nope, not going to get me on camera.

I just, I would, if, if I wanted to fuck up a cycling race, I would just put four emperor penguins out on the track and just say, go forth. Go forth my beautiful bowling pins. You know what Phil Liggett would say? As you can see, we've got the lovely penguins of Marais. Every time the tour goes through here, a local farmer releases four emperor penguins. You couldn't, you can't make up something that isn't actually done during the tour of France. That's like if people are joking, like, hey, you know it would be funny at the Tour to France. If somebody did cocaine.

The Etar penguins of Basque country come once again to deliver their message. Tottering, as we say, relaxed, not intoxicated. Animal rights activists have been protesting this for years. But traditions being traditions, these penguins have been fed a delicious port before they've taken the course. and now back back to the front of the peloton being led by eddie mack hugh any analyst he's ever had eddie mark has not been in the tour for about 40 years now i believe that's marcus bergart yeah at the front because phil has fucking lost it phil phill lig is just calling out ghost dog yes phil liggett's like oh i'm strong in his ninth straight tour of france

finish ah story unlike any other nothing will shall ruin the glory of lance armstrong's excessive. Like Lance is calling out like British dudes who died when their heart exploded on Mont Ventou

in like 1953. Ah yes. Charlie Gall the angel. Simon Neesworthy. Just found out just what the limit is

on how many methamphetamines a man can take while consuming that much strychnine. Like we can't make that shit up easy.

I wish I wish cycling was just cocaine and alcohol. nonstop like it was in the in the 1900 like early 1900s now it's like weird shit like yeah no this is actually

this is actually a weird non-metallic lubricant used only to like gas up MRI machines but he had like a leader of it in his bloodstream I'm not even making it up like hey it's not on the list it's not on the base list we use

we use this chemical to grow alligators inside a test tube But make cyclists go burr. Yeah, this is a fertility drug that's evidently really successful, but sort of unlicensed and dangerous, only popular in China where it only creates octoplets. This is the venom symbiote, but it's fine. Harris. Eddie, keep pushing. Keep pushing.

Shoot your own blood into your blood. Venom would be the best cycling coach. It'd be amazing. Be so supportive. Allie. I don't see me. Come on. God, I want to see the French job of Venom.

The family is so stupid. Jeffem. The family. I'm going to be able to be. Welcome to the Shutdown Fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. Flu game week. You're listening to a flu game week.

It's game six versus the Utah Jazz. Maybe you think they're going to win. But no, no, no. Michael Jordan's in the house because he's definitely got the flu and not a hangover from gambling or bad pizza from being poisoned by insane Utah fans. Either way, I'm here. And we're going to get through this together. So you just compared yourself to Michael Jordan.

You know what? That comparison is no longer as untenable as it might have been depending on our points in the timeline, Ryan. It's true. You're both about to wear big pants on the golf course. Ryan is referencing the bet we made last week that if we raised a million dollars in the Charitabundee Bowl, the EDSBS charity bowl we hold every year to benefit New American Pathways and their work with Refugees New American. here in the Atlanta area that I would play 18 holes of golf

in a pair of, as I call them, junkos, as some of the normies call them jeancos. All right. I think these are big enough that junkos is actually the correct pronunciation for this particular style. So, side note,

I'm looking through TikTok last week immediately after we recorded this episode and mentioned junkos about 400 times. which is not enough in my opinion they're just that special and looking through TikTok I found a confluence of events a guy who was skateboarding in Junkos and somebody said what are you listening to and he reaches in the back pocket goes Super Nintendo and he has a whole Super Nintendo in the back pocket

but just headphones plugged into it yeah oh man so who knows maybe maybe I'll see a I can get a portable generator and get the Nintendo 64, see if he'll sit in the back pocket, maybe plug it into a nearby. He's got a GameCube, ladies and the chairman. If somebody could just bring one of those old 300-pound TVs to the set to the course so we can play live out of the one of my back pocket. Yeah. So we're doing that this week.

The ADESBS charity bowl is humming along nicely. we've had some extremely creative donations so far somebody donated the exact number of dollars corresponding to the yards or the feet that the goalposts had to travel from leanland stadium to the river i thought that was a beautiful thing uh somebody else decided to get a syracuse donor thank you so much. Donated $69.69.69. So $6,969.69. Thank you for doing that. Just an outstanding performance so far. So if you're listening to this and you haven't given, I would go ahead and do that. Go ahead and do that. Okay. To do that, you go to EDSBScharitybowl.com. That's the easiest way. You can, if you're on Twitter, or you'll find other ways to do it too.

Or you can text Charity Bowl 23 to 9199.9. And that will make it work too. 91, of course, being the first year the Florida Gators played football. Yes, that's definitely why we did that. What's the total right now? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Let's go ahead and do a live.

Yeah, we're recording Tuesday afternoon around like 2.30 Eastern or so. Yes. And we had a record, we had a record Monday, thanks in large part to the insane largesse of one Texas Aggie fan who kind of set the curve for everybody. That's fine. I'm fine with people doing that. And he said Texas Aggie. I did. Look at the thanks.

I'm sick, Ryan. I know. You son of a bitch. I'm pretty sure you also called it Leland Stadium. Did I? Yeah, they fucking love Jim Leeland. They do. They love that.

They love his mustache and his commitment to smoking. There was like, why there was so much smoke was coming up off the stadium after the game. It was Jim Leeland Stadium. Just Leeland burning three cigarettes. 271, on day two, 271,833. Not quite on pace for a mill, but that's usually not how the distribution works. Tuesday is usually a little bit down. So we're going to see.

We're going to see. I am nevertheless enthused with what we have done so far. The short goal is $700,000. We are well on our way to doing that. But don't stop. All right. Again, EDSBScharitybowl.com or you can go ahead and Ryan, what was the text information again since my brain is like two cylinders short of four right now.

Okay. One sec. Uh, text charity bowl. Charity bowl, two, three. Charity Bowl 23 to 9-1-999. Correct. Everybody's doing great. I feel good about, since you said that, we've now crossed $272,000.

I feel reasonably good about making the golf thing happen. Yeah? Like, look, it's obviously long ways ago. We still have, you know, $728,000 to go. and if we don't get there you know that's fine i'll be okay with it but i'm like monday was so good and so strong out the gate that i'm like okay all right i can see i can see how this happens i'm not saying it will but i can see how it happens and i do have some i want to provide some help to the listeners who may well let me put it this way the hardest

One of the hardest things I think for me about the Charity Bowl is that if your team is coming off a good season, Charity Bowl is pretty easy. You can just pick, like, here is one of many winning scores that I can choose from, or here is some obscene yardage total we put up in a victory. So if you're good, a lot of options for you to pick a meaningful number for your charitable. contribution if you didn't have a good year it's trickier right like if i don't have one for this but if you're florida what's your what's your number that you're going with yeah this was difficult for me because you have to pick something good that happened in florida yeah so i'm probably just going to go ahead and pick something you know like hey a nice 2323 for anthony richardson getting drafted in the first round of the NFL draft that's really kind of the most

high-profile thing you could do that would be positive to say about the team at this point. Okay. So I have gone through and I have tried to come up with for some other schools who like Florida didn't have the best 2022 season and I have tried to find a financial hook for them that I'd like to share. Iowa State. Mm-hmm. I have for you $40 for your contribution.

That is based on this. It's $10 for every. first down Iowa achieved in the second half of their 10-7 loss to you, four first downs in the second half. One of them was an Iowa State penalty, so we're really giving you a little extra credit for that. That's nice. Syracuse, not a great year, but you know what you did do for almost the entirety of the game?

Beat NC State. You beat them at the end when it matters, and you're going to donate a hundred, $134. That is $1 for every second. NC State wasn't losing to use Syracuse, because most of that game they were. How many games did USF lose last year, Spencer? Do you know this off the top of your head? Oh, boy, that's the Jeff Scott final. Go ahead and look it up.

I'm going to go ahead. Can I just guess? Yeah, sure. Nine? 11. They lost 11. 11 lost. That's more than 9.

That's more than 9. You have lost 11 games. We're going to take that 11. We're going to multiply it by 6.2. Do you know what that 6.2 represents? That is USF's yards per carry against Florida in Gainesville in the smart. And that's going to get you $68.20, USF. That's what you're donating.

Because even in a year where you lost 11 fucking games, you ran all over Florida. No one can ever take that away from you. No one can ever take that away from you. We all saw it. uh Miami where to begin with Miami yeah do you remember the Miami Virginia game this was 14 to 12 I was it was 14 to 12 do you remember how Miami got 14 points absolutely not I'm going to tell you this is a quadruple overtime win so two of Miami's points came when you get to the portion of overtime where you're just doing two-point

conversions. And the other 12 points were four field goals. So Miami, I'm putting you down for $137. That's $1 for every field goal yard. Andres Boragales hit in one of the saddest stupidest four-O-T wins in ACC history. The four-O-T-14-12 game. And we don't think that's it. Another version here. Yeah. Endless respect to the ACC for giving us games that years later we look back and still marvel at that they even happened and or how they happened. Someone made a fantastic donation in honor of the 30 Boston College Wake Forest game

where I don't know if you recall, but that three didn't happen until very, very late. And there was a goal line stand with some of the most baffling clock management I have ever seen in any game by Steve Adazio. at the end of that. Former Colorado State coach, Steve Dazio, objected. His final game is head coach. To reiterate,

Miami and Virginia, two of the seven ACC schools that Per Brett McMurphy and Ross Delinger are discussing how they can get out of their unfair contract with the ACC and go to a higher better. This 14-12, game deserves more money, these schools would argue.

They deserve more attention and more prestige for the garbage that they peddle. You know how sometimes they'll print a dollar bill wrong? Sure. It's worth more. You shred it. That's what you do. They don't put those in circulation. No, but if it gets out into the loose, which the AC, I'm saying right.

The ACC is the upside down airplane stamp of conference. It's a delivery system for those things. it's the it's the it's the it's the it's the amsterdam collector who has all of these things in his secure vault it's the baseball card right it's the billy ripkin fuck face card of conferences and the television contract is the delivery system now don't you want to own that delivery system don't you want to pay the money so that you're like hey when the next billy ripkin fuck face game happens okay i just i look at this yes list and i'm like okay Clemson understood.

Florida State kind of understood. I think it's a little, like, a little favorable, but fine. UNC, maybe, I can get there. Everybody else, Miami, NC State, Virginia, Virginia Tech. If I'm the other ACC schools, I'm like, hey, you're not better than us. You need to understand, not reputationally, and certainly not on a fucking football field. What are you talking about? I love NC State in this.

Love it. Oh, God. It's so good. It's so good. They're like, hey, hey, hey, you know who got on this elevator too? Us. That's right. We're farting the whole way.

You know who made this company dinner? You know who has a dangerously a dangerously legible copy of the menu in their hands that is going to select the most expensive thing because it's on someone else's dime? That's right. This is the Baylor move, how Baylor managed to float up through, I think, three different conferences simply via political affiliation that if you didn't do this with Baylor it simply wasn't going to get through the Texas legislature they just skip the legislature part NC state's just going they're just diving in like hey oh guess what I get prime rib

too I'm going to get advertisers I'm getting all this shit listen listen when you offer a plus one you accept whatever the consequences are of what that plus one does and you know who my plus one is Mrs. Wolf that's right you got two wolves at this table Like, Virginia Tech, you went three and eight last year. You lost an old dominion. You lost by 23 to a bad West Virginia team. You lost a Georgia Tech. You got destroyed by a good Duke team.

Your wins are a one-point win over a liberty that at that point, I think, was already done for the season, had already knew that Hugh was leaving or thought that was possible. You beat Boston College, who absolutely sucked last year. and you beat Wofford. How can you turn around and be like, I am underpaid for my services. I'm going to zoom out. I'll zoom out for most of their history

have been complete dog shit. I have had one coach who turned them around. It took him like seven years to do it too. He was deep in there before they got to bowl, I believe. It's a 30-year mortgage situation. It was a 30-year mortgage situation. It's pretty much what Florida feels like they're facing right now, Billy Napier.

Every time you get a story, like Andy Staples and the Athletic, and Annie Navarro did a story that came out this week, which detailed the Florida Cater struggles. And it really was one of those, well, you got a crack in the foundation first. Turns out there's also a sinkhole. Also, by the way, the wiring shot. And it's haunted.

Whole thing's haunted. This house is going to, yeah. Like, we get a step removed. Now, Virginia Tech was very much that, and they were successful. Yeah. That's done. Yeah. That's done.

There has been very little evidence. since that coach left and that particular system was switched out for another, that there is a fundamental formula for success there that doesn't start with one charismatic personality. Now, having said all that, guess what Virginia Tech just did too? That prime rib looks good, actually. I think I'm going to take three of those. So I'm now realizing, looking at this list again, what's actually happening here. Clemson and Florida State and maybe Miami and UNC, at least one of them, they are Billy Zane

on the Titanic and Clemson is grabbing Virginia Tech, a child, and saying, we must get on the life. Both of us, I have this child's right from parent. I have a child. I have a child. You don't want it to be orphaned, do you? That's what's happening here. They're like, Sir, you must let me on the SEC lifeboat. I know there aren't enough for all the passengers, but I, William Zane of Clemson University, demand that my child and I begin safe passage. Hell of a slot receiver.

It's because he goes by Billy. That's why you know he went to Clemson. Number 13, Billy Zane. Billy Zane. Yeah, love Billy Zane. It caught that big pass against... In 19... I should get a custom Billy Zane, Clemson, Jersey.

I think that's good. Let's get a Billy Zane, Tatt, buddy. Backpiece. Billy Zane, scored a touchdown. Like TechMobile. I have... No, I don't have anything for Virginia Tech. Sorry, your season was too hard for me to find anything good to...

By the way, I support all the schools doing this. This system is stupid. You should go ahead and just, you know, if you can get the free dinner, put your foot on the scale and do it. Here's the thing. These are seven schools trying to break this at once, which feels much larger than how. Usually it's like you move around in little groups, right? Mm-hmm.

UCLA and USC are leaving. A big two situation, right? Right, right, right. Somebody here is going to get knifed. Like, when somebody comes along and is like, who, we're the big 10 and we would love to have four of you, we do not want seven. Like, there is no question they're going to be. like, well, NC State has been fucking lovely, haven't you?

But unfortunately, your time in this Oregon Trail wagon has come to an end. So here's some dysentery. Get the fuck out. I'm currently looking at this list of schools, and brother, I can tell you who's getting knifed is NC State. Yes. I hope you like the prime bread, buddy. Yes.

Virginie Tech might not get knife because they'd be like, I think that guy has like eight knives. I think if we go for it, he's ready. Yeah, he wears a fanny pack everywhere. You don't know what's in there. He's got this weird lunchbox. Just rattles around.

It's full of knives. Yeah, that's what's in the lunch pail. A gun. A pistol. A rusty pistol. All right. West Virginia. West Virginia, you're going to donate $19.

$7. Because 1907 was when Oklahoma was admitted as the 47th state to the United States. And this. And WVU beat both the Sooners and the Cowboys in the same year for the first time since they joined the Big 12. We missed it amongst everything else happening this year, but West Virginia was state champs of Oklahoma. And I think deserves to commemorate that with the $19.7. Contribution, Indiana, you're going to give $95. And that's to represent the $95 million extension Michigan State signed Maltuck or two

before you denied them bowl eligibility with a November win in Spartan Stadium. I mean, being an Indiana football fan has its moments. Not many. It's like three. They're like three moments. It's like three, but like a Mayf lives life, they're big. It's like this. They're all big.

Michael Pennock's two-point conversion against Penn State and Lee Corso taking a picture of Indiana leading Notre Dame on the score or no Ohio State when they led Ohio State by like, yeah, that's it. Akron, we're really, we're trying to find something for as many teams as possible here. Akron, you're giving $17, that's a dollar for every year

since you last beat Northern Illinois in the 2005 Mac Championship game before 2020, when you crush them 4412 for your only FBS win of the year. New Mexico. One of the things that I think has made being a New Mexico fan more palatable over the years is that you suck, but New Mexico State also sucks. So it's sort of like, you know, there's not a lot of room for one to feel better than the other. But New Mexico State went to a bowl this year.

So what do you have if you're New Mexico otherwise? Well, you have negative $70 because you're giving it to New American Pathways. That's $10 for every turnover. U-TEP spit out in a 31-14 loss to you this year. Arizona State, I'm going to put you down for $12.20. That represents 12-2, the date of the Pac-12 title game. Spencer, do you know how deep they had to go in the tiebreaker list to decide that Utah would represent, would be one of the two teams in the Pac-12 championship.

Did they have to go five steps down? They had to go four steps down. They had to go to, I think, strength of schedule in conference. And Utah had that one. At what point did they get to draw straws? I think that's like sixth or seventh. It's not that far. But Arizona State effectively kept Washington out of, a good Washington team,

out of the Pac-12 championship game, and maybe out of the playoff by extension, by beating them in early October, a thing that happened amongst a complete disaster of a year for the Sun Devils. And last but not least, Texas A&M,

you've already, are they, I think they're at the top of the leaderboard, at least as of yesterday they were, yeah? Thanks to, yes, thanks to some robust individual effort, yes. Fucking wail of an effort. so if you don't have that kind of scratch and you need to make a more modest donation let me recommend $38 that's the number of points the Aggies hung on LSU the highest Texas A&M point total of the year including their week one win over Sam Houston State they uh in the words of Vanessa Williams you

went and saved the best for last so those are just a few options I've come up with trying to help trying to make sure everybody feels included. You don't have to be good at college football to be good at the Charity Bowl. Cal donate strong every year, and they haven't been good at football in quite some time. That is absolutely exceptional. Thank you for those bold ideas. By the way, if you're like, oh, I don't know. Man, I don't know what to give.

I don't want to be $30. There you go. You know what that's significant of $30. That's dedicated to $30 in the name of charity. $30 is, I think, a good uncle sends you money for your birthday amount. Yes. Like that's a pretty solid, like, I don't know this kid too well. I'm just going to send him $30.

I think $30 is, well, come on. Not anymore. What do you mean not anymore? You got to at least give them a crisp 50. but any self-respecting uncle drops a hondo what kind of sweet uncles do you have i have no uncles no i mean i think no i mean i think from what i understand sirbu's uncles are cool yeah correct you got cool uncles i was inspired i was inspired to be an uncle myself someday no i got i got i got i got to say i thought the hundred was uh because okay so um my uh my kids know

my dad their grandfather as you know like an animal nickname right um badger that's that's grand dog if you want to know what they call him uh and they know him as the guy who when they see him they get a hundred dollars that's I think that's what a grandfather does right

as you know hey what was your name again? I don't know here here's a hundred kid there you go right right like it's I think because we live in a largely cashless society or a more cashless society than we used to You can't, you no longer are Ray Leota at the Copacabana, just giving everybody cash on your way to your table. So what's replaced that is grand dads and uncles who are just like, I don't know, here's some hard currency.

They light up, though, man. Cash still talks. You want to see, you want to see a 10 year old just look happier than they've ever looked in life, you know? Give them $100. If your dad gave me $100, I'd be like, holy shit. it's wild hundred dollars still banks yeah I don't like it would be nice to

reach a point of financial security in life where getting a hundred dollar bill didn't fucking feel awesome but brother I am not there yet no it's nice it's fucking great you're like

I always think of it in terms of supermarket sweep I'm like oh man it's a lot of turkeys yes like let me put it this way if you are the kind of person who you you're cleaning out your closet and you look in a pair of pants

you haven't worn in a while and you're like oh there's $100 in here and that doesn't mean anything to you you should be giving more money to the charity ball that's what you should be doing but damn I didn't know the price of being an uncle

had gone up so much he can't get much with 30 bucks anymore 30 bucks I agree is a tremendous donation though so at what point your kid going to a birthday party at what point what is the threshold for awkward because if you show up with 20 bucks like $20 gift that's fine right like that's it's fine yeah 30 is like hmm huh 40 40 40 things get

weird yeah 40's like well here's the tricky are we this close are you just talking about the dollar value of the gift yes or if I assume we're not showing up to like an eight year old's birthday party with a cat with an envelope full of cash well well my well my older son actually showed up to one of his friends parties you know and he's like you know a teenage he's young teenager yeah he showed up and he was like well i'm just gonna give him okay and i thought okay well that's cool how much you're gonna give him and he goes i don't know and he had i know his his net worth in hand 50 bucks and he goes oh i thought 50 oh that's yeah it's too much it's too much because then there's an obligation correct yeah yeah it's not your

nephew yeah it's not your nephew right yeah you can't be like here kid spend it on something nice to somebody who's your peer no yeah yeah it's it's it's almost like a weird accidental flex yeah it'd be weird if i gave you 40 dollars like like here right here's 40 right it would i would i would be confused but i would probably figure like he probably like this probably is carmically correct in some way you just he's a dumbass just take it i probably did 40 dollars worth of something for spencer so it's fine yeah see um Yeah, I think I think 30 is a good place to land. I think if that's the distinction, if you're like, an uncle has to give you 50,

I think saying friendship is like 60% of the way to being an uncle, that's 30 bucks. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I like this math. That's good. And friendship is 60% of the way to being uncle. It's also like, you know, 30% of the way to being a nephew. You could scale an entire system on this.

Yeah. I mean, it's probably more equitable than the wage system we have now. Yeah, 100%. So. I wanted to talk about, we're talking about the system, man. I want to talk about the system. Yeah. Malfunctioning.

Because this dog should have been prosecuted. You and I, all right, we're going to have very different views on this, but please go ahead. Remember, Ryan has a law degree. Yeah, it's done me so much good. Springfield, Colorado, from the AP. And driver who was pulled over for speeding, tried to switch places with his dog to avoid arrest, police in Colorado said.

An officer watched him maneuvering inside the car before he got out on the passenger side on Saturday in Springfield, a town of about 1,300 people in the state's eastern plains. Police said in a Facebook post Sunday. The man said he was not behind the wheel, clearly showed signs of being drunk. Police said he ran from the officer,

when asked about how much he had to drink and was caught within about 20 yards. That's so rude. You don't need to... You don't have to... How futile was it? 60 feet. This idiot got 60 feet

before I caught him in a drunken stupor. After being taken to the hospital, check down the man was arrested on suspicion of charges including DUI and or drugs when driving while impaired. As well, for pre- various warrants to his arrest okay there that's why'd you put that last the man had all you need

to do and enough of America understands this language just be like a driver who had warrants we got it we got it warrants for what doesn't matter because you know in his head he goes ah shit I got warrants yep yep you know if you've had your license suspended you're like ah shit so I put over here spot you're clean yeah that's in his head I just want to know how I taught you to say the alphabet backwards here we go I want to know how that conversation was going in his head with the dog like how good you you said you said I could drink tonight all right let me start here this whole argument is based on an assumption that this man was driving and after he got pulled over

swap seats. Yeah. What evidence do you have of that? Occam's razor suggests that the simplest answer is that the dog was driving the whole time. Oh. Can you provide any proof to the contrary? Short of dash cam, I have nothing, counselor. You're correct.

Number one. Number two. Yeah. Let me present you with a hypothetical. You are walking through a nice neighborhood. Mm-hmm. wander into a stranger's front yard you drop your pants and you take a shit and a police officer sees this happening what's going to happen to you Spencer hall adult human oh I'm I'm

getting arrested I'm just going to be like hey listen let me I've made a mistake let me conclude my business here yep and we'll begin to clean up in negotiations I surrender all right you are a dog and you do this exact same thing and a cop sees it what will happen i'll do that thing where the dog looks back at you kind of like hi yeah like the awkward look you right in the eyes like yeah i'm just doing this thing happens yeah nothing will happen is the answer because our laws do not apply to dogs dogs are a legally distinct category they cannot be prosecuted for human offenses. Otherwise, every time a dog's shit in public, we would be doing something about it. So if we're not prosecuting them for that, extremely egregious and repeatable offense,

why would we prosecute them for speeding? I think this was an entirely possible defense to an entirely possible crime, or as you are insisting non-crime, because this is not Western Colorado. I know, you think man driving drunk's dangerous on a good day but if you're in the mountains in colorado it's you're not going to be long for this world yes right there's too many sharp turns you're going to wind up either at the bottom of a ditch or at the top of one in a bad way the this is eastern colorado this is kansas basically eastern colorado's like don't say that no no don't pretend you ain't we know

that's just more Kansas that's this that's bonus Kansas case you want some DLC Kansas it's DLC Kansas if you've already mastered and you've found all the corox seeds

and all the Kansas you can do the DLC Kansas and just keep going until you hit you know Boulder that's basically what you get more Kansas and in that case a dog actually could drive

I feel pretty confident that a dog if you just tied off the steering wheel told the dog hey man keep her about a quarter 10 and 2

10 and 2 just keep it keep it at 10 and 2 put a brick on the on the gas pedal not even brick put it on cruise control yeah

we're doing here's what we're doing we're making sure the dogs at 10 and 2 we're putting on cruise control at 45 we're throwing the hazards on

and we're taking a nap and we'll see in 20 minutes I just need to rest my eyes yeah are you telling me this is never happened in the history of Kansas and eastern Colorado? Listener, you fucking know it has.

You know it has. And there's a guy who's like, I've pulled it off. I've lived the impossible. I've had a dog chauffeur. The rest of you driving yourselves around like fucking idiots, but I have touched God's face and it lit my hand. It would be the first time they pulled the dog over either. but the dog's like we've talked about this lucky you can't you can't keep enabling him can a dog get a driver's license

so i believe the answer is if you say that like i'm going under the ryan nanny legal please please all are welcome at this unaccredited law school at this unaccredited law school nanny state If we're going by your extension, then no, because dogs cannot be constrained by the laws of man. So technically, a dog driving a car is an extra legal event. We've created a dragon zone. Like, you know, when there's a Florida panther involved in anything in Florida, it's like endangered, all of a sudden there be dragons. Nobody's sure who owns what anymore. Like, it's crazy.

So when a dog drives a car, it's an extra legal event. We're not even sure who has jurisdiction over that. At that point, Ryan, is it less a matter of traffic control and more an exotic manner of animal control? I think there's only one way in which the police could intervene, and that is with a canine unit. If a police dog had shown up and said, this dog is acting contrary to dog law, I would respect that as I respect the laws of all other foreign nations. I don't know shit about Portuguese law or how it's enforced, but I respect their right to make those decisions in the same way that I think dogs should be subject to their own system of justice.

Yeah. That's the kind of common sense. Legal leadership we need. Yeah! USA! USA! I'm glad server's dog showed up for this. Yeah, no, the dog is applauding too.

The dog is in frame on this Zoom call and is paying respects. I told you I could drive. I told you it would be cool, but you wouldn't look. Listen. Eat shit originalist canine laws where it's at. Canine identity laws shaking us to the core. I also. If I go hard enough into this bit, I can get a district court appointment.

100%. Well, you're in Tennessee. Yeah. easy they'd be like you know what my dog likes to go to sonic and that's how i know he's a sovereign citizen i support ryan nandy's dog law yeah yeah that's how we actually end up convincing everyone the universal health care is good because we'll be like your dog will miss you people in tennessee'll be like that's right my dog will miss me damn i bet my dog I bet other people's dogs have missed them too

That's how we backdoor it This is a movement It's happening You know where else this has happened Australia I guarantee you There are multiple dogs driving cars In Australia right now

I'm gonna Google that right now Australia A dog driving Yeah He's fine It's a stick Australia Man teaches dog how to drive on farm in Victoria

That is correct A one year old Jack Russell driving a car first hit I don't ever tell jokes yeah also in New Zealand

according to the BBC there's a charity teaching rescue dogs how to drive a car and this is from December 5th 2012 so there's no like unless December 5th

is April Fool's Day in New Zealand what the fuck man perfect country perfect country everything's named everything's named batman dogs drive cars and dogs dogs probably like everyone else takes moco it's fucking great and there's lord of the ring shit everywhere and oh let me did you just put lord of the rings in australia i said new zealand okay okay okay okay and like christmas is a pool day hmm fuck yeah no it's good you called flip-flops thongs and nobody thinks it's weird no no grandad's wearing thongs perfectly

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Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. I have another international topic I'd like to discuss. Please. So these are the words of Lord Stanley of Preston in 1892. I have for some time been thinking that it would be a good thing if there were a challenge cup, which should be held from year to year by the champion hockey team in the Dominion. And the Dominion he's speaking of is Canada at that point.

And this was Lord Stanley basically saying, hey, I'd like to make you. a lovely bowl to celebrate the greatness of Canadian hockey and for a long time Lord Stanley who I don't think actually got to participate watch any of his cups be awarded because he was recalled

to England at some point for a long time his dream lived an American team won the cup for the first time in 1917 there was a six season stretch in the 30s stretching into 1941 where Canada didn't win a cup

But when you start with the original six era, 1942, Canada wins seven of the first ten Stanley Cups in that stretch. Montreal Canadiens win five in a row starting in 1956. And other than this little stretch where the Islanders won four in a row from 1980 to 1983, Canada's representation holding the cup is almost constant. Like you'll get a year or two where an American team will win it, There's no such thing as like a meaningful drought. After the Islanders won their four in a row, teams from Canada won the next seven Stanley Cups. And then on June 9, 1993, Montreal won Stanley Cup final.

And that's the last time Canada has done this. And that will be true for at least another NHL season because there are no more goddamn Canadian teams left in the playoff. In the 29 seasons since the last one, a Canadian team has made the final only six times. The Rangers, the Devils, the abs, the red wings, the stars, the lightning, the hurricanes, the ducks, the penguins, the Blackhawks, the Bruins, the Kings, the Caps, the Blues. All of them have won at least one Stanley Cup in this stretch.

Here are some things that had not happened the last time a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup. Oh, no. The NFL had not yet adopted the two-point conversion. ESPN2 didn't exist. Wasn't a channel, wasn't a round. Tiger Woods had not graduated high school. USF didn't have a football program at any level. And the most stunning one to me, the last time a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup,

the Yukon women had never won an NCAA basketball title. Oh, no. Not a single one. The entirety of the Yukon women's dynasty exists in a post-Canadian Stanley Cup time. Michael, Michael Sever has his hands up in prayer. He'll get in front of his face. Oh, Canada. Canada, you are a perfectly nice country that has given the world lots of wonderful things.

But God damn it. There is only one path forward at this point. Canadian oligarchs need to start buying American teams, not to relocate them, because that's hard. Like, in this same time span, there have been eight teams added in the U.S., in the NHL. All of them have been in the U.S., except the Thrasher's eventually moved to Canada, but two teams move from Canada to the U.S. So, like, you're not going to successfully change the tilt so that there are fewer American teams. But do you know what you can do if you own a team? You can make sure it sucks. And I know

this because of Dan Snyder. If Canadian ownership starts buying up the Lightning and the Panthers and the stars and all these teams that keep fucking making deep runs in the playoffs, not the Panthers usually, but this year. And they just like mismanage them, by definition, that will leave more space for the Canadian teams to get in there. A legitimate college football question might be to ask, so potential American investor. We're interested in you owning this team, along with a couple of malicious Canadian, I mean, perfectly good Canadian owners. Lovely Canadian men.

Definitely not using this as a tax dodge. What additional collegiate sports teams do you support financially? And if the first answer is, well, I'm a booster at the University of Texas, sold. sold if you are part of that malignant group of disorganized and heavily funded

individuals congratulations you are eligible for this plan do you know who the coach at Texas was the last time a Canadian team won stand the cup oh

93 so we are post Royal. If it's 93, is McAvick already there? It's his very first season, Spencer. Okay. He's just,

he's just completed his very first season there. Yeah. Yeah. And everything's going to be great. Everything's going to fucking rule. I mean, that'll be true for like 15 minutes. Is it?

Yeah, it'll be true like, what, 95, 95, 95, they're 10, 2 and 1. They've been Nebraska. 96 they are 8 and 5 and they do win the big 12 but they are 8 and 5 they win the big 12 they go 8 and 5 with priest holmes and rickie williams in the same backfield yeah yeah strong strong work right there and and james brown at quarterback they win they win the big 12 and then get fucking demolished by penn state the fiesta it's a very angry ben state No notes.

No notes. How do they follow that up in 1997? 4 and 7. Yeah, baby. Yeah. 4 and 7, including the 663 lost to UCLA. The route 66. Like, I know that it's fun to be like, boy, Texas is struggling over the last however many years.

That's not entirely unfair, right? No, it's not unfair. Like, the last 10 years, the last 10 years, of Texas football have not been like wow things are fucking just nothing arrow go up right but there's no 663 lost to UCLA

at home yeah when you were ranked 11th that is the loss where infamously Joe Jamail called the athletic director and said I paid money to put my name on the goddamn field how much do I need to take it off

now that was booster. Again, Vince Young should just receive a $10 million check for that program every single year, every single year, just write them a $10 million check. I just like, look, I'm not trying to, I know Canadian, our Canadian listenership was not necessarily experiencing, or expecting, I should say, a diatribe about Canadian hockey. And I know that lots of NHL teams are just chocka block with Canadian talent. but like

the maple leaves are all like fuck yeah we won a we won a series for the first time in like 48 years we're fucking back and then immediately basically got swept by the panthers

at one point ASPN was like the oilers are the favorites at this point to win to win the Stanley Cup because the Bruins got no fucking lost to Las Vegas team idiots

absolute idiots yeah also counting on counting on the maple leaves is so bitter I was talking I was talking to our that's such a the last great hope please don't be the Leafs please don't be the Leafs I was talking to our mutual friend

Will Buchama and he was explaining that being a Leafs fan would be like if you were a Cowboys fan but you didn't get any of the winning in the 90s no if you didn't have any of that to buttress you you ever seen waiting for Godot you ever wish it were a sports

You ever wish that were a sports jersey which you could just wear all the time? Sometimes it coming. Any minute. Like there are real people out there in Toronto who are like the two most important themes in my life are the maple leaves and the Buffalo Bills. Yeah.

Oh, God. I don't go to church anymore. Yeah. On an unrelated note, I'm a lapsed Catholic. Either God isn't real or he doesn't care. Or he hates me personally. Or he hates me personally. All three of these are horrifying and I can accept none of them.

God, how awesome would that be if you died and went to the hereafter? God sat you down and was like, yeah, man, the whole thing, all of it, all of human history was just for you to have a bad time. I would be like you did a shit job. I personally know I had way too many good times. I was born in the time of little season. Yeah, please. Everything after that was gravy. When I was born, they'd figured out tetanus.

You lose. That's what I'd tell God. I don't know. I'd give it 10 more years and we'll forget that one. Baby Caitlin loves tetanus. Her body will deal with it. Yeah. I was like, there is, there are,

teams that I think when, because it's very fun to go, oh, man, you know, like when, when you guys get back, when you guys really get back. Yeah. You know. This is the, this is the argument you hear trotted out all the time, which I don't personally agree with, but it's like college football is better when, I don't know, USC or Notre Dame or whoever. Like, this is, this is a thing people like to say.

Well, like, when you, when they're good. When you eventually get back. Yes. It's going to feel so good. yeah like i have had fleeting moments of like when florida actually wins something again i'm not going to be able to process it emotionally okay i don't want to and that's fine but i'm not going to i'll have a feeling and that you know at this point in my life you know when you're like i'm going to have a feeling that could total the car at this you could total the car yeah especially in my current

condition right if i had a serious emotion at this point i'd have to go lay down in florida if to night, Florida won, you know, the national championship, right? If you just inflicted that on me, uh, yeah. But fortunately, I will be so old when that finally happens again that it will kill me. So just book it. Florida being Georgia, Spencer got a kidney stone. Yeah. He popped up a lung like an actual lung, a fleshy pale pink lung. They had to stuff it back in them like a turkey. Uh, but like the teams that I'm actually looking at and I go like, okay, you make it back yeah I'm actually gonna be real happy for you okay like I'll like seriously like like 100% this is charity bowl week I will be 100% sincere I hope

everybody wins that's not necessarily the way that this goes because I just think in the way that our sport is done much like Formula One there are Williams's that will never get back or we'll have to reconstitute completely in order to almost be something else in order to be considered a thing or competitive. But when these teams that actually might do that get back, I'm going to be kind of happy. Because I know what a rush it'll be for you.

It'll be phenomenal. Not the first time. The first time I can never predict. Be realistic. You're never sure who the Rogue Wave is going to be. You know, you're not sure that Tulane's going to beat USC. It's nice that they're in a poll game. But realistically, the most shocking thing that happened last year,

yes, even in a poll game was Tulane beating USC. after losing the entire game. Yes, and not a USC where pretty much everybody showed up. Like, I don't think it was like, ah, half the team is just sitting it out. No, where Tulane beat you. Yeah. Tulane won.

That is a correct thing, though. In a match of equals, still probably the most shocking result for me of last year. But I know when y'all get back, like, like, for instance, last year, when Kansas State ended up winning the big, 12 title game as a thing that I keep forgetting and it was bad to say that but everything was so playoff focus that it was like oh tCU lost but they're still in and it was like oh this is not the nicest way to say Kansas State won the big 12 is it no like so onto the playoff no right just back up that momentum wagons focus on this yeah

deuce Vaughn won a big 12 title though it'll ever take that away from his tiny little shoulders. I love that. That made me really happy because that's where Kansas State should be. Kansas State, if you want to know, like, what their perfect season is to me is, I'm like, listen, you just end up around like, you know, 10 and 2 and fuck up someone's entire world by upsetting them in the Big 12 title game. That is exactly what I want every single year. That is, that is, that is on brand for sure. Yeah. I'm going to be, but the team that I was thinking about in particular like when they get back and when they actually manage to get you know something going and actually win something after having been down for a real long time because you said

texas and that made me think well no not them they got a lot of other things going for them right sure sure yeah they got a lot of they got a lot of good shit happening you know things have happened them for them before but the team the team that i was thinking about where i go i'm going to be really happy when they actually outright win win something again um that's washington i like i don't know like i'm it's a nostalgia pick but like i would love to see i would love to see i would love to see washington win some big shit i would love that especially this team like i like it's kind of me looking ahead a little bit but like you said you said michael pennix and it made me think about that like he's looked like a god in that offense he's looked so fun and they and they play a

kind of ball where you're never really out of the game also the other team is never really out of the game but never mind that part i really would love if if that comes back on a somewhat permanent basis i would love it i know you were excellent in the chris peterson years that's something for one but like an outright conference championship outright like playoff actual tough performance would love it. Okay. I think that's totally reasonable. And I think

how much of that I should, I'm not going to say what I think. I'll ask it as a question. How much of that is, oh, I wouldn't be immediately inundated with the worst Twitter users on Earth if that happened.

Like I don't, I can't think of like, oh, what a terrible experience I've had with UW people. Um, you would have it eventually. Sure. Everybody is capable of it.

I've seen how they talk to Oregon fans. That could be you in a heartbeat, right? Also, they're from the Pacific Northwest, so they possess a specific type of cluelessness. Like, they go like, yeah, it sucks to live here where we have trees and air. You know, how fuck are we got trees and air? They did have the classic, like, trash talk to Oregon in a game.

I think it was two years ago at Husky Stadium, when the guy's like, your mascot's a flightless bird. like he's just screaming it at her and she's just looking at him like it's a fucking duck they definitely fly he's super fucking fly we can prove I can prove this wrong to you now just for probably the whole quarter

was screaming that at people I also forgot how mad they got about the cupcake thing ESPN did which I get why they were mad but it was also like all right like sometimes sometimes you play that schedule it's fine Everybody does.

Yes, you're in the Pact 12. It happens, man. This year is not that year. This year, I'm looking at it, Washington has to play Oregon and USC and Utah and Oregon State, non-conference. They have Boise State and Michigan State. Boise State's a tough game. But if you look at their schedule and who they play, and if they win the, if they run the table and win the Pack 12 championship, there is not a team in the country unless it comes from the SEC. that would be ranked ahead of them in the playoff.

They would be the number one team. Probably true. With a bullet. They have a really tough schedule. Yeah. Also like Michael Pendix is in a throw for like 4,000 yards. Yeah. Hopefully he doesn't do it at like, you know, 12.30 in the morning.

Well, that's the thing. If this Washington team did run the table and we're really out of our skis now, but that's fine, it would be exceptionally, like I have to imagine the only way that happens is they are an exceptionally fun team to watch. Like, you're just like, oh, they are lighting shit on fire constantly. They were that last year. Yeah. I mean, the games that they weren't, they were a dumpster fire, but, I mean, that was a really fun team.

Yes, I agree. I think, I think that's true. I have one in the SEC. The team that you would be happy to see, is it Arkansas? I mean, I think I'm on record as being I'm always happy. when Arkansas wins, just because, I don't know. That's the team where everybody's going, woo-woo, and like Houston Nutt goes, you know, there's a hundred lions and tigers and bears, but there ain't but one race back.

I think the nice thing about... It's a fun mask to put on, right? They're like, play this wrestler for a day. You're like, ah, El Barco! Like, that's a really fun one to play. I think the nice thing about Arkansas good seasons is that every other team in the SAC, most every other team in the SEC, when they have a good season, they're like, finally the dynasty has arrived at 50 years. years of dominance will be visited upon

you and your, but Arkansas, when Arkansas has a good year, they're like, we won the lottery and we're spending all of it. Fuck you. Savings accounts are for cowards and babies. This ain't coming around again. What, do you think I want to be rich

in my coffin? You can't take it with you. And I ain't. Peels out. Yeah. It crashes into wall. which has been the history of the program

literally that's why I don't have a problem with Arkansas doing well is I'm like oh man they're going to live so good until

when runs out 18 months it's only one program like that in the SEC East only one okay and they have never had shit like South Carolina I want to watch them get shit once

because they're going to burn that bitch down I'm going to take it down to the studs We love our hot concrete stadium We're building the second one That's hotter and more concrete I didn't know concrete could burn Tonight it does

We play heating pipes through it So it's extra hot Every firework in the state of South Carolina We'll find its way to that stadium It's going to look like a hell hive It's just I want to see them I would love to see them win

I would like imagine like they got to an SEC championship imagine if the stars aligned where they faced somebody weak enough out of the West and they had had this moonshot like angle to get into the SEC East and they actually won an SEC title. No, I'm not saying

imagine if they won a national title. I'm not even going to put you that far out on the fantasy agenda. Right. I understand there are limits. You're like, well, I can believe someone can ride a dragon. But in space there's no oxygen up there. That's the kind of when we talk about South Carolina. That's the wishcasting we're doing here. Yeah.

Right, right. Our wishcasting is, you know, one step removed from, from your fantasy. Can you imagine the tattoos that would result if South Carolina won an SEC title? I feel so odd right now because usually when this thought crosses my mind, it's like, no, well, yes, but I'm usually waking up in a cold sweat. Right, right. Yeah. How do you feel now? Fucking terrible. like you mentioned Washington fans maybe not being that bad if they won something

God on me like South Carolina you really want South Carolina okay here's the thing I would the night they won the SEC title I would be like this is this is fate telling me to delete my Twitter account now it's gone I don't have it anymore yeah like Georgia takes a dump in a bag lights it on fire and puts it on your doorstep like South Carolina fans just shit on your doorstep. They ring the doorbell, wait for you to come to the door. They light your door on fire and then just shit in front of you. Yeah.

Go Cox. A diversion to make a point. I was having a discussion with John the other day, John from the internet. And he and I were trying to figure out how many people in human history actually knew it was happening at the moment it was happening. For instance, how many people at Pearl Harbor were like, the Japanese are attacking us or our foreign powers attacking. And how many other people are just like, yo, man, this is a crazy fucking morning. I'm guessing, like, 70% of human history are people

who are at D-Day who are like, oh, this job's weird, you know. It's crazy. I've got to get past these guys with guns. This picnic sucks. There were people who were at the Battle of the Bulge who did not know they were ever in the Battle of the Bolt. I never knew they went to Belgium.

They're just people who are like, man, I was just walking with my guys. Yeah. When did you stop? Berlin? You know, like that's, that's summer. Russian soldier did that, right?

Like, I don't know. What'd you do? Went back to Lutovsk. It's fine. Like, there's a real, the amount of, like, historians, I think, air most prominently on the side of assuming information is equally shared or even in equally shared. I'm telling you, there's a zero information element, right? Like, that's how the Civil War happened, right?

Is that everybody was super racist and somebody's like, you want to go shoot somebody? And they're like, hell yeah. They're like, are you shooting? I don't know. That's it. he talked shit about you he did yeah like it's always seemed even as a kid always seemed wrong when you know like you're growing up in some idiot public school system and they're like so these man believing in the property in their property values right you know believing in states rights I'm like they didn't believe shit they didn't know shit 70% of these people are dumb as hell how do I know because 70 80s said of these people are dumb as hell they don't know anything just assume that 70 or 80s percent of these people are dumb as hell they don't know anything just assume that 70 or 80s percent people at any time in human history don't know shit from shit if you see a photo right like hey uh at like emperor herahito signs surrender terms on the deck of the battleship there's somebody in

that photo watching douglas macarthur and here he no sign those papers and do you know what he's thinking he's like i got a poop that's it there's somebody who's like has no knowledge like they told us to come up here that's most people like that's not the one i think we're i think we're i think I don't know. I don't know. Later, I'm going to go to a bar and I'm going to get so drunk. They're so cheap here. How does this tie into the world where South Carolina wins in a C title?

That 70 to 80% of people are all South Carolina fans. And they're only going to know one thing that night. And it's that they won. That's it. Everything else is going to be. Right? Do you know there's a law saying you can't poop here. sell them.

That's it. All of them. If there is a can't tell me shit scenario, that's the one. That really is the one. No laws. There'll be no law. Because other people, you know, Georgia will try to be like, they'll be a, fuck you, we won this one.

This is, and we've gotten a long way into this conversation before I actually provide data on why this will happen and why all of those people will. will instantly become the guy in the background of Nehru announcing the Independent of India who's like, why are we all on this wall? Right? Like that's that like I will provide some background when you go, hey man, surely they haven't been this bad this long. They have one conference title and it happened in the ACC in 1969 in a really weird year. It took a weird year in the ACC in 1969 for them to get their outright title. They have one division title.

And when they won that division title in 2010, on a really good South Carolina team, they ran face first into the greatest college football player of our time, Cam Newton. Yeah. And they died. They died. They didn't die well.

They died poorly. They were erased. Yeah. You let them cry, don't care. Darius Rucker. Yeah. He is. Somewhere in Charleston, that man.

And I'm sure a beautifully opponent at home with what we were told are very large doors. Yeah. Oh, the biggest doors. The heaviest doors. You never saw the door so barn-like. Yes. The whole doors of barn. Yeah.

This is another great bit from South Carolina's wiki, by the way, which is future senator and former star player for South Carolina and UVA. Christy Bennett led the Gamecox. 1904's Captain Gene Oliver played against Georgia with a broken jaw. That's what is he known for? Did they win? He played with a broken jaw. How did he do? I'm going to repeat.

Do Cox. He did painful. It was painful. He did it. He hated it and it disfigured him for life. But we love Gene for that. And then 129 years later, Shane Bemer led us to an SEC title. Who is,

is there a big 10 school that fits this category for you? No, because nothing fits up going to line. But, but you know what? Actually close. I would be, I don't think this is a secret either,

but I think we would all be overjoyed if Indiana did it. If Indiana, like, I know, take away all of your breaks, take away all of your disbelief. Okay, the dragon and not only has a lady riding it,

and she is in space. But in addition to that, she is, I don't know, doing something. What else would she be doing that was like equally unbelievable? Oh, she thinks you're cute. Oh, that's, yeah, that's the, she's really into you. She just has to finish up her space dragon business. Oh, wait, it's cool. Oh, I know.

She seems nice. She's looking at me. That, that is Indiana. I'm going to say something. Yeah. If they won anything of any substance, oh, God. I'm going to say something controversial. Okay.

I think I would like to live in the world where Nebraska wins a big 10th title. You know, I mean... I think Nebraska fans have been put through so much misery. And I'm not saying it's undeserved or that all of it is undeserved. They have... They have suffered. as much as a team that has as much historical success and it's not all like you know back in the 30s and shit by any means can suffer they have and like the righteous fury with which Nebraska fans would be like we were right on a long enough curve on a on a wide enough arc we were fucking right and Nebraska football is the greatest thing in the world and fuck you you you you dumbass for insisting that it wasn't.

I would appreciate that in its own weird way. I have to agree as a payoff, it's immense, right? Yes, yes. Yeah. So I don't, I know it's not good for me, but I think I would be down with Nebraska surging back to one dominant season. I don't want more than one. No, not more than one.

Not more than one. Same with South Carolina. If South Carolina got good, good, I would be like, all right, well, we don't need to do this anymore. No, I don't know. But that's not happening. I think I know, like, I can make all of these bets knowing, going, oh, the likelihood of them doing this twice is really minimal. Yes, yes. This is, I will say, like, one of the nice things about baseball.

is that baseball has room to be like fuck you the Royals won the World Series don't worry they're immediately going back to be in total shit heads you'll never see it again but it fucking happened my friend man my friend looks really fit he looks great don't want and he put on 58 pounds it's all coming back and it's all back baseball has room for that

in a way that most of the other professional like I can't speak hockey has some room for it You know, the NFL's... The NBA does not at all. The NFL has some, that's true. The NFL's enforced parody does have some hilarious side effects that I enjoy where you see things like, for instance, the Bucks being good is still funny to me. I know that we're on now decade three of that not being totally surprising, but it's still amusing to me when they go, and the division contender, the Bucks. Yes, yes, yes.

I think for the NFL, it's more like there are some teams. where you're like, oh, the Cardinals will never be good. The Cardinals will never be good. No, no, no. Like, God has said they won't be good. That's the only explanation. Like, that's how bad a bad owner can be.

God made them through a 110-yard pick six. Yeah. In the Super Bowl. And get, and get destroyed by one of the, like, most famous toe taps as well. To the fucking stealers of all people. Yeah, to noted, good person and great individual Ben Rothlisberger.

When that's the guy who wins instead of you and Kurt Warner, it may be a god thing. Do you think Ben Rathesberger could explain the plot of the Matrix? No. But I would like to hear him try. I really would. I know, explaining the plot of the Matrix, that would be a challenge for many of our, many of our most despised athletes, I fear. That should be a combine event.

explain the matrix or maybe not a combine but before you can go on tv that'd be my only scout interview question for sure yeah and you have to do it real sincerely like you don't understand be like what the fuck happen what you seen the matrix what the fuck was that there would be i would instantly draft the quarterback who say it was anthony richardson and 23 minutes after i'd asked this question he's looking at me with his hands extended in front of him for emphasis saying, and when Neo and Matrix make love. He goes to the board. Yeah.

It's the most moving. It's the most moving thing I've ever seen. If you go to the whiteboard to explain the Matrix, that's when you do that. Hold on. I got to check. I'm pretty sure this is true. The Matrix. Yes.

Came out six years after the last Stanley Cup team. Stanley Cup was won by a Canadian team. well this is this is a callback by the way to the funniest tweet maybe of all time it's up there a funniest athlete tweet it's up there with terry roger saying osama should have hooped because he tall as hell which happy NBA lottery day by the way love you terry roger so good um as somebody listen YouTube is a big place and Twitch is as well.

Somebody has definitely like simmed a career of Osama bin Laden in 2K, right? Like that's happened. I can't believe I'm about to look this up. I'm looking.

Somebody's been like, yeah, man. Osama bin Laden won three titles with the Pacers. It was fucking crazy. Dynasty. I'd include Dynasty there. Dynasty mode.

Rick Carlisle. Rick Carlisle really unlocked Osama's low host game, you wouldn't believe it. Let's see. Well, no, but somebody has done the face creation. It kind of comes out looking like DeMarcus cousins. It's not good.

I'm disappointed in our video game shit posting community. Somebody, like, if you're listening, go ahead and do the 2K career mode. Kofi. Kofi get on this. Make Terry. brochures because the funniest outcome is if you're like yeah he's really only like six points four boards he's just not you know like he'll give you minutes and fouls but he's really just doesn't have the skill he just doesn't have the like he just can't put on the

weight you know he's just kids yeah we thought if we sent him you know play in china for a while maybe you know beef up but any fucking Dwight Howard heard hanging out with him spent all his money on exotic fish and wouldn't be And couldn't gain weight. Disaster. Then Dwight Howard and Osama bin Laden put out a rap album together. It's fucking terrible. It's fucking terrible.

But he didn't do 9-11. But he didn't do 9-11. He was a serious disappointment as a draft investment. But Nick's fans would be like, Nick's fans would be like, go back in time, undo it. Not worth it. This was from the Roddy White tweet. where April 16th, 2011, when he said,

I'm watching The Matrix and Neil and Infinity are having sex. It's such an emotional moment. Sometimes I forget it's a movie. Doesn't say Infinity? Neil. Neil O'Donnell. Steelers Legend. And I called her Matrix.

But he called her Infinity. Infinity is much funnier. Neil O'Donnell was having sex with a luxury car. And he still fucked that up. Go Steelers. Go Steelers. Ain't that man. Is there an ACC team you want to have their one glorious season in the sun?

No, they get to play every season in the sun. and that's their print now. Actually, actually there is if, if, Virginia Tech is the answer here, isn't it?

No. No. No. I'm not going to lie. I have nothing against them. They just don't provoke me like that. I'm going to say this. Because I'm a bad person.

But if Miami, if Miami comes back. Oh, boy. And if it's like Miami, Georgia for a championship. And Miami wins my third. 30. It'll be the funniest goddamn thing you've ever seen in your life.

So well, the inevitable collapse from that. So I get two stories. And Miami fans are like, if we're worth it, we know it's coming. But yes. If Miami did it and I had to watch Kirby Smart and Mario Crystal Ball coach against each other in a big game tactically.

Oh, man, that's rock on rock. It's so good. I don't know. I don't know what the world looks like. Serber's fucking appalled. If the U is back. Well, you've suggested that we should live in a world

where Miami and South Carolina are both extremely successful for at least one season. Yeah, Miami would be, you know, I feel like I don't think either of them are carrying it off for a long. South Carolina is going to,

listen, South Carolina is going to touch that brass ring and then they are going to slip off of it and fall straight into a pit. But you know what that leads to? Lawsuit. Lossute. Losses when the slip and fall,

the original slip and fall. fall. Lucifer. They're going to have one more good season and make a fucking four-part documentary about it. Four. That's part one, brother. Can you imagine? Listen, the cash shit that Michael Irvin is going to talk, the absolute

gibberish that Ray Lewis is going to spell off in that locker room. This is your brothers, this together, everything together. All of us. This is eternal. This has always been this way. This is, it's going to be like the rock comes in. Yep. Yeah. You got to compartmentalize. And you got to go for it. Every day. You wake

up you live you die you wake up you live you die do you know do you know how much amazing dumb guy monologue we're gonna get out of this it can be like hours and hours of the dumbest dumb guy monologue it'd be the lincoln championship for sure it will champions never stop they don't rest they can't sleep they can't live they can barely tolerate their flesh they pull it from their body so it's only their bones but then the bones burn but then that turns to metal and then you're the metal ones and the metal ones always hunger for more. That's what you are.

Every single one of you is a Necron. Michael Irvin, like, just think about Michael Irvin. If the U wins, Michael Irvin is getting fully nude off on national television. He's getting just bug naked. And he's going to be like, as I am, God. I told you. We made this happen. Thank you.

You'd be like, what does Indeatian exposure have to do with any of this, Michael? As a dog drives the victory truck. Michael Lerner's like, not again.