Shutdown Fullcast - The Great Howard’s Rock Heist

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

 - Our 30-minute show centered around one reader question a) is 47 ½ minutes long and b) spends the first 11 minutes of the episode sharing our respective feelings about planets  - Six (6) minutes later there is another brief detour back to the planets and our opinions thereof - All hail Jupiter, the stoutest Kentucky running back of the galaxy - An important opportunity for careful listeners to steal Spencer’s identity  - A reader question is finally addressed. Was it yours?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know, Welcome to the shutdown to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet's foremost college football podcast how's that could we say could we say like first as well first and foremost first and foremost can we give it a season before we like give up the mantle that's true you know what i'm mostly uncomfortable with the qualitative

descript like the nice thing about being the only college football podcast is there's no promise about like there's no good there's no bad it just is there's no morning after right the the furriest yuck i don't want to participate in that to which buddy you've been participating in it that's too bad too bad so just pick an adjective any adjective joining me tonight my co-host jason kirk Hi, hello.

We are having one of our audio nights, so stay tuned for audio things to happen. Audio and swinging. Spencer, Holly, you still with us? We are. We are still with you. Where did I leave you off? You introduced me.

Yes. Yes. Jason joining us tonight from beautiful Kennesaw. Georgia. Jason, are you outside tonight? That's right, I am. We have tonight. We have ascertained visuals of Jupiter. It's very close to Saturn. Saturn

as well as visible, and we also have our eyes on Mars tonight. So counting Earth, we are seeing half of the current canon planets. R.P. Pluto, we will never forget you. Venus is, unfortunately, the other side of Earth right now, but very excited to have

half of our current mainstream solar system with us tonight. I came up with my daughter this week. She was like, Dad, it's very mean that they made Pluto stop being a planet. And I was like, you. I completely agree with her. I was like, yeah, it is actually pretty mean. Pluto already has to sit out there by itself.

Right. Like, you couldn't let it have that? And like Pluto, doesn't Pluto have a moon that's as big as Pluto? Like, that's already humiliating. Yeah, but Pluto, I'm just going to come. This is my son. We're hanging around Jeremy Pruitt all the time. Just a cold, a cold chunk of rock out there just wanting to be loved.

Hey, are you the, are you Pluto or the moon? That's humiliating. You say that in Pluto's just, just forget it. Don't even ask. I'm just going to go away for a thousand years and come back around again. There's a card game that some of the young children in our quarantine bubble are playing called, like, Planet 9 or something. and I read the back of the box and it was like scientists have discovered a rogue ninth planet at the edge of the solar system and I I ground my teeth in rage just reading that you compared me

to earth's internet bitch we already have a ninth planet let's bring Pluto back although I will say this I'm kind of a hater about Pluto and most other planets because in earth too because frankly nobody's keeping up with Saturn Saturn is the flossiest planet it's got the coolest moons it's got the best bling saturn has an entire zone where it's just raining diamonds all the time you can't compete with that yeah yeah where carbon has been compressed into an ever cycling endless server you still with us like they're not even rain hey there's some kind of like there's some kind of awesome oh my god i'm so glad spencer's entire saturn rant happened while our internet cut out that's I'm so mad at this.

I'm so fucking mad at this already. We got most of it. I hate everything. Are you on? Are you calling in from Saturn? Is that the problem? It's been a good show, y'all. It's been good.

We'll see you tomorrow. We'll see you next week. This is Venus heard you talking shit. Because Venus is an excellent planet, too. It's garbage. Wow. Venus has bugs in its atmosphere or whatever. We found the, we found the, we found the,

chemical people floating around in the in the in the in the uninhabitable hells of venus so maybe we might want to go check it out sometime venus venus by the way venus is like venus is basically like pressure cooker the planet it's hot it's like 700 degrees it's high pressure I think we're out again has no no we guys oh no easier okay I like how the the ancients looked at Venus and they were like oh beautiful, flawless paradise in the sky, our sister planet, perfection, the jewel of the atmosphere, and then we got a closer look and it's, oh God, it's hell swamp. It's the worst place imaginable. This is the inside of Satan's ass. That's what Venus would be. My favorite

thing about Venus is that it takes, like, I think it's like 225 Earth days to orbit the sun. but it takes I believe 240 days to rotate on its axis so like one Venus day is a little over a year think about how much you can get done think about how awesome your weekend is think about how long you could sleep Think about how much fucking boiling in acid radiation volcano you can do for over the course of one day. That's right.

I'm sorry, what I'm hearing is this. If I put the meat in this year for an entire year, it's going to be the most perfectly cooked. Fall off the bone. Ever seen in your life. The bone will fall off. The bone will fall off the bone at that point. That's actually why they call it fallout. Yeah.

That's why they call it. Can we talk about Jupiter? Can we talk about it? Sure. So the thing about Jupiter. Jupiter is, if it had cooked a little bit more before it came out the oven, Jupiter would have been a second star. How cool is that?

We would have two stars. We'd be good enough to play for Kansas State with that. Can we get Jupiter in the Georgia accent of last week in that affect? Didn't we do that? Yeah. No, for the folks at home, I just thought it might be a special jury. I don't hear it again. Jupiter

Well now I put you on the spot But I feel like it was worth it I had to think about it So I think what I want to go for I'm going to try it again What I want to go for is that I'm calling my dog Name Jupiter Jupiter

So that also sounds like you've lost Your child named Jupiter at the mall So the cool thing about Jupiter Is its job in the solar system Is blocking shit that would be hitting us Like, we'd be being, we'd get assailed by nightmare comments all day long if Jupiter wasn't shoving everybody back out the club. So all of this is Jupiter's fault, really,

because something should have ended us by now. Jupiter's the four-star, five-star, like, that never panned out. But still by our side, still by our side to this day. Jupiter's also thick across the middle. I don't know if you know that. Yeah. Jupiter has what's called an equatorial bulge. Same.

And that's because unlike, like the opposite of Venus, it takes Jupiter, I'm looking at it now, less than 10 hours to do a rotation on its axis. So because it's whirling. So because it's whirling, like it's got a little thickness in the middle. Okay. So. Yeah. So basically, if you measure it across its equator, it's longer than if you measure.

it between its poles because thick thick in the middle and fast it's like a kentucky running back it's like uh who's fullback the other day did a spin move some oh yeah full full full full back on third and one did a spin move that's yeah yeah yeah jupiter also by the way brought a bunch of good two and three stars with it whole bunch right oh yeah genomee ioh just like they brought all the guys who you're like they really filled out the roster by bringing everyone along. So, hey, thanks, big time recruit, even if you weren't the star we thought you'd be. Like half the moons that we think have some remote chance of being habitable are around Jupiter and Saturn. Just way out there where it's pretty cold. It's like,

oh, that ball of hell ice might have hell ice creatures in it. Wouldn't that be nice for them? I think they'll be it down there. That's the best part is when they go, when you hear astronomers go, yeah, we think there actually might be water, which means they're conditions for life. and you say, well, what sort of life forms? And they're like, oh, hellish, unimaginable creatures with minds twisted and torn by an interdimensional evil, incomprehensible to even the finest human mind. And you're like, shit, yeah.

So did you want barbecue sauce with that or honey, honeymoor? See, if we take one of those and we put it on Venus, about a year, then we put it in foil for another Venusian year. It's going to be perfect. Venusian. Speaking of otherworldly interdimensional horrors that nobody can understand. Reader questions. We do have a reader question that we're going to do since we have the one question mailed back this week.

Coming up, I did want to also say, speaking of unimaginable horrors this weekend, guess what you get to watch? Oh, yeah, you get to watch. Is it speed? Oh, it's always speed. buddy it's always it's always be you keep talking i'm going to find out is it is it is it wcw main event no because that went off air uh 18 years ago uh yes i was gonna say that did you see w did you see any wcw matches live jason like in person yes i'm pretty sure my i'm pretty sure my granddad would have taken me when i was very little yeah yeah i saw thursday

night thunder live at the nashville municipal auditorium featuring a match between Booker T and Chris Benoit. Okay, so that's more recent. Yeah, back in the 80s at the Omni, I am certain I did WCB. By the way, if you saw wrestling at the Omni, you're officially more Southern than I am. You just ranked up. Bro, I saw Monster Trucks at the Omni.

Damn! I saw fucking Billy Graham at the Omni. I'm triple out class. Lord, you saw a soul saved and you also saw a Billy Graham presentation. That's amazing. Speed is on Saturday. Oh, that's next Saturday. That's a shame. Yeah, I think this is a speedless weekend, guys. But next Saturday, 9 a.m., you can wake up. That's central time, I believe. You can wake up and watch Speed on E. Thank you, Ryan. I think I will. You're welcome. I was gonna say not that but old miss at arkansas old miss at arkansas who yeah kickoff the forecast

by the way acuity weather forecast says that a kickoff it will be 69 degrees Fahrenheit this game has major like hangover four vibes where you're like this will be fun right and it's like we don't know not at this point they only had like five jokes and they did them all you're like wow Old Miss really pulled out all the stops last week. That means they have no stops. Be like, come on, Zach Alfenakis is checking his phone in the middle of shooting. Yeah.

Yeah, Arkansas coming off of a baffling loss to Auburn. The only kind of loss to Auburn, really. The baffling kind. And Old Miss coming off of, I don't know, a little miniature Texas Tech OU that they lost to Alabama. This feels like, is it possible for a game to be a let-down? game for both teams i believe old miss in arkansas can achieve that yeah there's going to be a lot of that going around the cc this year yeah speaking of things going around the cc yeah yeah we may

not play ls u in florida that wasn't that why i wasn't even trying to say yep for that yeah no i just turned right into it we might not play that oh you scared of a hurricane again is that what it is yeah now we get ls u in florida arguing about masculinity and scheduling my favorite thing yeah it's been what two years three since since the hurricane game no it's been like five years it's been a long time since that what yeah yep two teams i think it was 2016 2015 something like that there's nothing better than two teams that have happily snacked on the lesser louisiana schools for cup kit games for years arguing about bravery and scheduling for a game that they are in fact obligated to play

as conference members every year looks like four years we're all pretty close we're all close close enough it's my favorite thing in the world they'll watch LSU fans LSU and Florida fans on a game that got to play anyway two teams that have

had some of the most shameless cupcake scheduling imaginable arguing about who's braver delightful that's if we get to play the game. Get to.

The Thursday night game though. Actually, the Wednesday night game. There's a Wednesday night game, y'all, with a ranked team. That is correct. A ranked team against an undefeated team. A ranked team against an undefeated team

in what may be, honestly, this is the best, I can say this, this is guaranteed the best quality game that you will watch. I think Auburn George is second. this is the go daddy bowlist game of the year so far yeah yeah i will also say this is a game of extremely over specified mascots and schools because both of these schools are in fact a larger school and with a vaguer name right south carolina gamecocks no that's too general for me

i need something more specifically carolina and chicken okay how about the coastal Carolina Chanticleers. That's like the luxury tier of the South Carolina chicken world. Oh, they're like the Lexus or they're the Lincoln or whatever to the, okay, yeah. Yeah, they're the luxury brand. They're the comfort end to the sleep end. The mercury to the Ford. Right.

They're like the Highland Farms to the Target brand. They're the Xbox Pro OneX. Right. Yes. One box. Yeah. Trader Joe's to all. Aldi, right? Actually, same

stuff, just a different label. Moon to Pluto. Moon to Pluto. Earth's intern, the moon. Their lovers, not fighters, baby. That's right. The moon is our wife, I thought. And I know.

The moon is our wife. And our husband is a ham sandwich. We are France. That's exactly where my brain was going with that. No, I know. oh yeah the moon is our wife because it's made a cheese i get it now that's right yeah and we one time made a delicious sandwich called a horrible life extinguishing collision that became the moon the sun is a fried egg mm that gives us life just like fried eggs so the other team i know some it's listed

on the site is louisiana if you check espn.com and i know that some partisans will insist on calling them louisiana you will forever be the university of louisiana at lafayette to me making you a more specific than LSU. I understand that I'm going to get exactly... No, what on earth are you... Like, LSU fans need help finding anyone's phone number.

At least let them have that. I don't want to be part of what's going to happen next, so please let me finish. I'm going to get three crazy guys at Lopjeet who are too fat to chase even me. You can't tell me how good the Boudan and the food is, and then also tell me you've got good foot speed. That's not happening. It's one or the other.

You can reach Spencer through the May. No, so you Burbank P.O. Box, 1801, Burbank, California. I really hope I just remember the Price is right, contestant P.O. Box accurately. I really hope I did.

I know I didn't. Anyway, the Raging Cajuns. So not just a Louisiana team, but a specific type of Louisianaan, right? They're about to find out. Yeah, that is a ranked

21st, Louisiana. raging Cajun's team right there, baby. Respect it. The Sunbelt. This is the year of the Sunbelt, man. There's rampaging. University of Louisiana, by the way, favored by seven and a half points. If you're curious.

I just want to point out one game on the following night, Thursday nighter. Your Georgia State Panthers entered the week, I should say, as seven point underdogs. The line has since diminished because the world is picking up on the point that Georgia State is going to win outright at Arkansas State, despite being underdogs by as many as seven points.

That's it. Pick of the week. Can I get a pit ruling real quick? Oh, bro, they're 10-point dogs to a ranked Miami team. Take those points. They're going to lose. They're going to lose. Take those points, though.

That's kind of what I'm asking. I'm like, to what degree is the super weapon charged? Yeah, like that line opened at nine and a half, and we all just sort of looked at it like hold hold it's going to get up to ten and a half now our super weapon is covering that's right somebody david hale had a stat the teams over the last i think 20 years that have lost the most games by like by under a touchdown it was exactly what you would expect pit followed by indiana like so basically if we want to know the teams that have lost the most games that have lost the most of it was exactly what you would expect pit pit followed by indiana like so basically if we want to know the teams that have lost the those close one score games just in your brain default to the tab that says teams god hates the teams we talk about most yes it's those teams we talk about the teams we adore you're so close little one like if they'd won all of those ones we'd be like so tired of hearing about pit so tired we should just talk about anyone else do you know the last time pit in indiana played oof that had to be

1952 really it's a good thing we kept them apart because yeah you're welcome America cross the streams did both teams did both teams lose that game

no that was the last was a 287 pit win and before that we had scores of 136 and there's even there's even one in 1944 Indiana beat pit 47 to zero

In the middle of World War II Yep That had to happen That's really how we chose to spend our time Take that Kaiser Does he Hey scoreboard Because there's some pit fan

In a fox hole Going When I get out of Guadalcanal I just want to see how my boys It did Somebody's like They lost 42 to zero You need to tell Jimmy that

Then a grenade hit him And he's like, the last thing I'm going to think about is how we lost my 40 to Indiana. Hail Pitt! When you think about it, the trenches were the original pits. That's not actually true. The original pits were at Tenochi Klon. Wow. And now we've married the two common interests of everyone who listens to this podcast,

Human Sacrifice, and Pits. And planets. And PIT. And planets. To Pits. yeah also i yeah george is going to play alabama george'll probably i i think george is going to win and i am like wow no yeah do you think that or you're trying to put some sort of a smart he's just dude he's being

no i sincerely believe georgia will win this game and i know that me saying sincerely and trying to get my sincere voice on is only going to make everyone more suspicious that's how i know the brand is strong But I really mean it. Do you think there's any chance that that comment will make it way back to the Alabama? Like, is it possible that somebody's going to be like, listen to what this bearded asshole said? The SEC Network, Spencer Hall. Yeah, yeah.

That this is going to be bulletin board material? Yeah. Do you think, do you think? Well, I ask this because my one has made up fake bulletin board quotes. Now he's got an SEC network dude saying Bama's going to lose. At home to Georgia? Shit. Once again, you can reach Spencer at 404.

Hey. What? Stop stepping on my foot. Why are you going to take LSU fans' great pride and joy, which is discovering people's personal information away from them? All right. Good luck, everybody. Yeah. Listen, unlike George's 40-year national championship drought, phone numbers can be changed. Sometimes you just... I don't have Ryan's phone number memorized.

Yeah, sometimes you just let it simmer, let it sizzle, little on the pan let him enjoy that one because it's rich layered and accurate like vandy football venusian yeah hey you think you think it take you think like you know going around the sun and you know like one day think that's a long time 40 years yeah can i tell you something i love Besides exposing my friends and close colleagues to harassment and bombs in their mail is that we left off the last season of the shutdown full cast

with just non-stop moon talk and pretty early on in this iteration of the show we're moving through the planets. You know, just call you Gustav Holst because you're making a symphony, buddy. You know, Haley's comet comes around about every 75 years. The Georgia Bulldogs have one national

title in that span. Thank you, God. Thank you for this moment and for Haley's comment. I think Georgia fans it'd be Kaylee's comet. That's Kaylee's comment. Oh, Kaylee's back with three E's. Hi, Kylie. Hi, Kaylee. Hey, sorry, I just had to go to I'm sorry, I just got stuck at home goods. I love it. Oh, God. Have you guys seen that cartoon? Do you guys know the comic strip I'm talking about with Haley's comment with the little boy and the old man? No. Okay, so there's this three panel comic strip and in the first one there's this little boy waving at a comet and he goes hello haley and in the second one there's an old man with his cane waving at haley's comet and it's hello haley and the third panel

there's no person and it's just the comet that but with like a georgia bulldogs championship banner they finally won and hey hey heyley's not here to look at it and i'm gonna i'm gonna pull up the comic strip here so y'all can look at it because it actually is quite moving and podcasting is a visual medium i i have those are all the games i wanted to look at before is if is anyone got anything else that they want to that they want to keep their eye on that you would like to alert the listener before we move to our extremely important reader question hang on i found the comment spencer come here we're going to listen to you cry on air i will say i am delighted that fox is in the position of having to make

Kansas at West Virginia its big noon Saturday matchup. That's where we're at at this point. Well, it's... Ha! I'm Gus Johnson. And I'm high as hell off Kansas

foot for rock chalk. Les Miles. He tested positive for COVID, right? Did I make that out? Jesus Christ, I forgot it is a mark of what is going on right now that I forgot about that. We're going to hear Gus on air going in our meetings

this week with Les Miles. Were you in the room with them? Yes, why? He's got a very large tongue. Did he kiss you? He kissed us on the mouth. Kissed you on the mouth, Gus. Ha ha! I'm just turning him into Phil Kemp. But I'm remembering the last time

I saw less in person when he thought LSU had invented Caesar Salad, so. This is a great thing we have in the cafeteria that we invented. I was like, they make it down here. It's very good. I will say I'm a little annoyed that you skipped right over Auburn, South Carolina, which I think has, yeah, like everything you want emotionally out of Ole Miss, Arkansas, I think you should actually look to Auburn, South Carolina, at four. Is that because in Auburn, South Carolina, somebody could,

sort of get fired for it? Yes. That's correct. It just means more, so to speak. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah. No.

No. I intentionally skipped over this because I looked at it for a second and my brain did that little flipping thing. Like when you just take an egg that's already sort of fried, flip it over and completely hard top it. Yeah. oh this is this is the leftovers in the fridge that you don't have to open you just look you can just see through the tupperware like oh that's not good and and we're not even going to bother to try to save the tupperware in the process oh this is what you throw out the package yes yes it's called a science experiment that's right we haven't made chillion months oh god that can't be good did someone try to make alcohol out of fried rice that's been left in here

and egg salad that's amazing fermented if I opened this the EPA will bust through and that's how we got Jepsen's Mallort I forgot am I the only person here

has actually had Malort I have not and I will not I certainly have not Jason have you ever had Malort I can't recall but I feel like

not recalling as part of the yeah you if you can't recall you have not had Jepson's Malort no you would remember it no matter how trash

you were because I was very drunk when I tried it And the experience is as vivid to me as if I had taken it sober. You basically have to be at, like, a Chicago wedding or, like, a Notre Dame anything, maybe? Yeah, it's pretty much only sold in the Chicago land area. Even though it is made in what hellmouth? Florida.

Florida is where Jepson's Mallort is. Is that true? It is. Yeah, Jepson's Mallort, the distillery is in Florida. They ship everything to Illinois. Well, that's upsetting. That's horrifying. Yeah.

You can only get the delicate hairspray taste of Mallort if you distill it in the perfect conditions of the Florida. So they've moved the distillery back to Chicago, but you're right. For many years, it was produced in Florida. Yeah, it's probably not as good. There's probably people in Chicago are like, yeah, it's not as good now. Doesn't have that Florida stink in it. The tour war. The two.

Oh, God. even going to try that it tastes like oh i love it it tastes like rex grossman's pro career the terror terror in florida it's just called terry teror rabisky tastes like a guy named terry yeah you'll go out with a bunch of people from chicago who sound totally normal and don't sound like some kind of demented antiquated stereotype of a chicago bear super fan you'll go to a bar and have 11 000 drinks and all of a sudden all of them will sound like bill swirski and they'll be like you gotta try my Lord!

No! I can smell the horror from here. No, you got to try it. It's great. It's not great. It tastes like putting White Rain hairspray full blast in your mouth

for about a minute. But all in one go. So like a pre-K ballet dressing room. Yeah, if you've ever gotten deodorant in your mouth. Oh, sure. I drank brute after shave on a band trip one time.

It's actually, okay, having also consumed brute after shave. That's methyl alcohol, by the way. Don't do it. What? Did you say methyl alcohol? That's a good stuff. Yeah, it tastes exactly kind of like if you combined, it is just the most tongue-curdling flavor. It's amazing. And I don't know why it was ever created, but I'm glad it was because I had it. It was terrible and it's fun to talk about. Also, their advertisement say things like,

Tonight's the Night You Fight Your Dad, Jepson's Mallort. Shall we get to our question? Sure. See no way of stopping you. So, this is a leftover from last week, which is why we did not. We thought it was good. So we did not solicit questions for this week. We will do that again for next week.

Perhaps you'll be fortunate enough to have your question. Be the only question we take in the single user mailbag. This is from longtime friend of the program, Janie Campbell. Good evening, Janie. At it's Janie C on Twitter. I'm holding up the U right now. Yeah, which you should do. And I'm thinking about violating building codes.

I'm thinking about paying a recruit in a very traceable way and then admitting it happily. And suffering no repercussions and enjoying only love from everyone who finds out. You paid him in a gift card with your name on it and it said to him, happy bag man. Canes fam Starbucks money bitch Can I By the speaking of Keynes fam Like can I tell you what absolute glorious Miami greatness

It was on game day For Desmond Howard to say That Desmond had to pick Miami Going here Des you better pick Miami You better pick Miami That message coming from Ray Lewis on his phone This is how about it

Desmond Howard is, that he was like, nah, Clemson, Clemson's got it. Ray Lewis is on your phone, go, you better pick Miami on air. Desmond's like, no big deal. Got this. Our question from Janie is this. All four of you must band together to complete a heist that is somehow football related involves at least one animal at at least one point in time in the total value of the hall is

$100,000 or more. What is the heist? And how does it go down? I have an answer for this. Okay. I wanted to see. Does anyone else have one before I go?

My first thought involved Rick Ross and stealing a whale shark from the Georgia Aquarium as a distraction for robbing the Federal Reserve during the Super Bowl. Ooh, that's good. Who's the wheelman in the crew? Mm, you? Yeah, I think I'm, I would qualify for wheelman. I think I'll be okay at that.

Yeah. What is your role here? Mine? Yes. Mm, talking. So you're going to distract. yes okay what is the animal the whale shark oh right yeah sorry which has to be at least somebody for some reason for some reason i thought the whale shark was like a participant but

yeah hey that's the sequel the whale sharks hey listen the oceans fucking 12 i'm the computer guy whale shark the whale shark's the stick man you ever seen that guy hold a gun damn jason obviously is on demolition and munitions and I'll bring snacks okay okay a good tray bake is always welcome at a heist and it won't spill when the car goes around a fast turn and Rick Ross will be buying the whale shark

because he doesn't want to see anything that beautiful in a cage he wants it to go free yes correct he's our buyer in honor of Janie I thought that we should conclude the heist in Miami he didn't really want the whale shark at all we were a distraction because he had hired a second crew to rob the Federal Reserve.

Oh, very Ocean's 13. Sure. So this is how we end up with the whale shark in our crew in the sequel because we end up having to adopt it. Yeah. But we put it into the habitat while it's, you know, a whirl, we're all flashing the U sign. That's how it ends. The whale shark's name, Sebastian.

Of course. Because I want to call a whale shark sea bass for short. Why not? Love it. All right. What was your answer? My answer for how we do this, okay? And I thought very practical terms.

I thought, well, we need a total value of, we need a little over 100 grand. We need at least one animal. And I, in fact, have, mine involves hundreds, if not thousands of animals, all right? And it involves what I know are probably pretty attainable items. If you go to Arlington for one of the, in the future, when we can, actually go to football games if you go to arlington and you go to the jerry dome there is a forward display slash mini dealership in the upper deck and it has an f-150 in a pool like it's on a little standy in a pool so if you thought what's the most ridiculously texan thing you could possibly

invent it would be we're going to get a truck and then we're going to put it on a little island And that island's going to be in a pond. And that pond's going to be in a football stadium. And that football stadium is going to belong to the Dallas Cowboys. And the seats. What point did McConaughey enter at this picture? It's so dreamy. It has to involve McConaughey.

And that right there is going to be some Texas. So, but that's a real thing. There's an F-150 up there. They've got pretty much every other Ford car currently available on the market in these kind of stacks in the rafters that, you know, where they kind of, it looks. like something a kid would invent which i think is why it's pretty cool on the face of things like it's just cars stacked up in these like iron shoots that you can see when you're walking from point a to point b around the upper no rim of the stadium so in order to steal these and these are the four roles okay i'm wheelman one because i can drive okay no holly you're gonna love

your role in this okay your role in this is going to be beekeeper slash be bombadier i accept with no further questions that is correct because i thought which member of the crew would want to throw an entire crate full of bees at security people the answer is you all right so at a normal cowboys game again we will only need to buy tickets for this i don't care what everybody else says about you i think you're great So all we are going to do is we are going to go to a Cowboys game. I will be Wheelman 1. Jason, you will be Wheelman 2. Holly, you will be in the back of Jason's truck because it will be the back one.

I will be pushing forward. And Ryan, Ryan, you're going to be our... Snacks. I'm bringing snacks. Ryan's got orange slices in a large top ofware container. Who wants Capri, son. yeah i was going to have i was going to have you know i was going to have you you know drive a car out if you wanted to but no snacks you can do that too

okay so all we need to do is take a bunch of bees and load them up to the back of the truck cut the bolts get the cars down while something terrible is happening on the field that's our distraction by the way the dallas cowboys we don't need a distraction it's already on the field while everyone's horrified with that we hotwire the cars and simply drive them out of jerry world clearing the path by throwing down an entire hive and a half of bees and then you drive them out it's over a hundred thousand dollars worth of goods we freed some bees and i got to tear ass in an f-150 out of jerry world i don't think there's anything wrong with this plan i want to be free

I mean, you are in Dallas. Like, you immediately are in Dallas afterwards, and that part's not as good. No, but we know where the Taco Cabana is. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. Also, 100,000 Texans are now mad at Ryan for saying the Cowboy Stadium is in Dallas. That's Arlington. People are very specific about these things.

Yeah. I think what we should do is we should all enroll at the University of Colorado at Boulder. We should join the mascot program. I love this so far. During Colorado, let's say, Oregon State, when no one's really paying too close of attention, we simply liberate Ralphie. Wow.

He's got to be insured for $100,000 or whatever. So done deal. Are we ransoming Ralphie or are we just? Just letting her roe. Are we fencing Ralphie? No. You can't fence Ralphie. Ralphie will.

trample not just a physical fence but also a human whose job is fence neither of them can contain ralphi yeah and then i think uh i mean whoever once can can go live with ralphi i guess sure that's my job yeah yeah yeah um i want us to steal howard's rock and okay ryan let me push back on this it's happened before what makes us special because here's how we're going to do it um there are four roles and i haven't cast these so if any if if if a role here sounds particularly juicy to you is there a role that involves living with a buffalo no but spencer just hang loose for a second um so so the first role um the most involved role arguably somebody needs to become a falconer like a really good falconer i've had enough falcons thanks okay so jason's out

there um holly spencer either of you want to develop uh like expert level falcon i will be the fal i'm volunteering for falconer okay no i'm going for falcon spencer your job is this you need to uh find a falcon that looks significantly like um auburn's hawk and train it to carry rocks that look and are the size of Howard's rock away in its talents, okay? But it's, again, it's very important that it's not just any bird. Somebody looking at this, their first thought needs to be, hang on, that's one of Auburn's 18 mascots, okay? That's your job.

Okay, okay. Jason, I'm going to make you our fake recruit. Okay. Okay. So, and, you know, if we can do what we need to do to get you there, but you, but you are scrappy wide receiver considering uh considering a scholarship offer from a Auburn maybe he's been on a Mormon mission for a couple of years sure absolutely maybe we can we can absolutely sell like yeah he was a minor league pitcher yeah for

for can I tell can I tell Davo I'm his son and see if if that if you whatever you think well there is one twist here that me that's going to make that a little challenging actually okay you but you can if you want to go with like nephew that'll work because the other role and this is either holly or me it doesn't matter um is uh the parent of our fake recruit oh holly i'm going to let you wait until i tell the the last rule here i think it better be me though because ryan you you have a very youthful visage okay uh and i'm not sure we could buy like a 17 18 year age difference between you and jason okay that's fair um so here's what's going to happen holly and jason you are going to go to clemson on a recruiting visit at this

recruiting visit you're going to ask to see howard's rock and you're going to ask to touch it and they're going to say yes because they're rolling out the red carpet they really want jason to be a clemson tiger etc etc they're going to open up the case the we are going to signal to spencer to release our hawk to swoop down, grab Howard's Rock, and fly off with it. But that's not all we're going to do. They're immediately going to freak out, and they're going to try to figure out where is this Hawk going. Spencer, you're going to release a second,

almost identical-looking Hawk with a fake rock that is going to fly to me waiting in a car that is decked out in Auburn colors. And my role is fake Auburn fan. And I am taking the fake Howard's Rock and driving as fast as I can to Auburn, Alabama, because that's the decoy. While we have the real Howard's Rock, they will think this was all some sort of Auburn bullshit aimed to hurt their program, aimed at their longstanding like history of theft between the programs, and that's the distraction. They'll think this is all an Auburn job while we are in the Caribbean. With Howard's Rock.

When you say with Howard's Rock, and I see us like drawing a face on Howard's Rock. Oh, yeah. Ordering a drink for Howard's Rock. It's our Wilson, yes. Yeah, it's our Wilson. We've got a little hat on it. We disguise ourselves as a family with family reunion-style t-shirts that say

Howard's plural rock exclamation point. Yes, yes. Yep. I've established a fake bank account in the Kaman's for Mr. Rock, comma, Howard. Yeah, but you forgot the number, so we're going to have to get jobs. That's fine. That's fine.

We'll remember it, and it'll have interest in, like, 30 years. Ryan, the only problem, I'll begin training for it, is that rock is on a significant incline. And it's going to take quite an athletic feat to scale that hill to get close enough to the rock to remove this case. But I'll begin training. No, no, no. That's what I'm going to say. We're going to ask them, hey, can you take the case off? Yeah, I'm saying, I'm saying someone has to scale that grand incline.

You have to get up there, that massive, massive hill. Right, you're right. Okay. So maybe we need to train a third bird who's strong enough to take off cases. Three bird! Well, you also need a bird who can handle that altitude because just because the bird can fly doesn't mean, you know, you can't send a bird up to Mount Everest. You also can't send a bird up to an incline of that, of that angle that we have in Clemson Stadium. right i think by the way this is all encouraging a vision for me of bazaaro bazaaro clemson

the place where bazaar o clemson runs up the hill to start the game like idiots let's go boys right away offensive lineman hands on knees oh god me bazaar o clemson me run uphill can we combine that with south carolina so we're playing fucking sandstorm while the old lineman run up hill. I thought that's what

Will Must Chet would do. Well, we got a hill. We run up it. And he doesn't like the effort. Back down the hill. Come on back up. Let's do this right. I think if you brand it's

came to see a show. I think if you branded it's successful, you could be like they're running out of hell. Look at them. They just sack Satan for a seven year, seven yard loss. Another coming for you. Me tiger that hold

God damn