Shutdown Fullcast - The Indiana Jones Never Got Tenure Episode

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

--A now completely obsolete discussion of the canceled Nebraska/Wisconsin game! --Why Indiana Jones never got tenure and was a serious national security risk --Mizzou/Florida should be interesting, no it will, please, come back nooo --- --SICKOS TIME (Hello Northwestern/Iowa) --Let's all pray that Auburn/LSU comes down to Jason's proposed "Three point safety" --Our reader question this week leads to Ryan living at a driving range  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only. college football podcast. My name is Spencer Hall. One of our guests tonight is Ryan Nanny. I want to start with a question for him, which is this. Hey, are Wisconsin and Nebraska going to play a football game this weekend? Because right now it is 9.22 p.m. Eastern on October 27th. And that answer might change by 9.24 p.m.

But right now, are they playing a game, Ryan? um all right so i'm going to do the responsible thing and uh and look on twitter and i'm just putting in wisconsin nebraska football the first result i get or one of the first results um says regarding the likely cancellation of the husser wisconsin game nebraska football parents can overrule the doctors right they can file a lawsuit forcing the game to be played um so I think as of now I feel comfortable saying that it is scheduled to be played and they don't know what's going to happen right now and they will probably if I had to guess they probably won't

decide until what like Thursday that feel right yeah that feel like waiting as long as possible that feels about right okay yeah so yeah as of now Nebraska Wisconsin is happening even though Wisconsin is without Jack Cohn, who should have been the starter entering this year because he had, I think, leg surgery a couple weeks ago. They knew he was going to be out. Number two and number three on the depth chart have tested positive for COVID. I don't know if that's official.

Graham Mertz was the starter for week one against who they play Illinois. He carved him up, right? And so now, if there is a game, the honor of Quartz, quarterbacking Wisconsin football falls to a man, a young man, a junior, out of Kimberly Wisconsin, 6-5-207 pounds, Danny Vanden Boom. DJ Vanden Boom. DJ Vanden Boom. Du-T-T-T-J Vanden Boom.

Coming soon. Danny Dandenboom. Banny Dandenboom. Bannie Vanden Doom? It's a great DJ name for Youth Hostel. Bandon Dunes. Yeah, that's who's starting. Danny Vandenboom.

Could you read off Danny Vandenboom's height and weight again for me, please? 6.5, 207 pounds. That's not much weight stretched over a whole lot of Danny Vandenboom. No. That's like one of my legs. That's like pounds per inch for Vandenboom here.

It's not looking, not looking real football like. It's not looking great. No. This is a very skinny Christmas tree we're looking at here. Oh, it just needs a little love, Charlie Brown. Well, fortunately, he's in Wisconsin. So if he wants to gain weight, it can happen.

You would think that, but they have Wisconsin's, Wisconsin site has like his, his numbers over the year. He came in at 197. He jumped up to 212 and then he dropped to 207. where he has remained for the last two years. Did they list weights on Wisconsin's death chart? If you, yeah, you have to go. So, so it's interesting. It's under, for Mr. Vandenboom,

it's under his historical player information. It's just four identical photos of him, his number, and his height and weight over the, over the years that he's been in the program. I, that doesn't, did they just not put it on the short? for them because they don't want other programs to feel bad about being so so like tiny um no i mean they they they have all the they have it everywhere else you can find

it the um yeah you can you can you can even sort by big boy if you want the the there's a there's a there's a o lineman named josh seltzner who's six four three 27 so that means that Danny Vandenboom could, I don't know if Josh is a starter or not, could be protected by an lineman who he is slightly taller than and a 120 pounds lighter than. Hey, you'll be able to see rushers over there. That's true. That's true. That's, you know what? That's a huge weight differential. It is not the greatest weight differential that you will find. No. No, no, no, no. Not at all because there are, there are yet bigger boys on the line at Wisconsin because man you just got to me this I the the sheer amount of like honestly the sheer amount of of of calories that you have to pile into the Wisconsin offensive line it gets impressive even in terms of our expected knowledge of the size of an offensive line like it's just at this point it's a tremendous amount of food for anyone to just keep that

wait much less stay there up do I hear do I hear a Jason Kirk in the wilds of of Kennesaw Georgia I am near the beach at this time but yeah hello don't divulge don't divulge your exact location that's I'm east of Jacksonville to be quite frank which is an exciting place to be I'm here I'm here to prepare and the advance army that sent down by Kirby Smart to secure literally a beachfront for the dogs for uh was that a couple weeks from now is it next week no it's like something like that i don't know maybe it is next week i'm here i'm here kirby situation secure in other words they're they're actually focusing on the ground game that's good i mean what else

would georgia focus on it they don't look up i've learned more fourth string quarterback names Jason, do you have a favorite fourth-string quarterback of all time? Man, where to begin? Where to begin? God. Because mine before this was a friend of the show, Nate Tice, who also played for Wisconsin, and who today, when he found out the Danny Van der Boone news, tweeted out, it's Nate Tice depth chart levels time, baby, about himself.

And included a clip of him scoring a TD at Wisconsin. Now, when you are the fourth string quarter pack, the offensive lineman gets very excited and head butts you. How long did Nate feel this? For a week. That's what happens when you're the fourth stringer and you score TD. They celebrate and inadvertently, like, you know, strained several vertebrae in your neck in the process. We also jumped over the third stringer, who's also reportedly out with a positive COVID test. Oh, at this point, I think we just assumed.

Fair. is a sophomore quarterback by the name of Chase Wolfe. Oh, a name and a simple sentence. A name and a simple sentence, that's right. That's right. Chase Wolf. Does he pass the UGA test for quarterbacks? Yes, because he would be Wolf Chase.

Wolf Chase? That is veering into like. God, that's a Georgia subdivision. Yep. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. That is a Franklin, Tennessee subdivision. In Franklin, it would be the Chase at Wolf. we just bought in wolf chase you know we just wanted something smaller it's only 3,800 square feet

it's more manageable for our family it's a better area you know it is it's safer and you know it's only got a community pool which is not what we wanted but not like everybody in the community don't get me wrong who's going who's going I'm just asking who's allowed in this pool I just want to feel safe Chase Wolf Chase Wolf Chase Wolf is also a good like 80s action

television Prox Chase Wolf Chase Wolf wins steak Boy that would be a good minor league baseball promotion All right we're going to release the wolf

The first kid to catch him wins a steak Yeah And if you fight him You'll die. That's your prize. If we put only people from one church out there to chase the wolf in the ground floor of this stadium or arena, let's say. If we just circle the wolf and pray, he'll hear our prayers.

Try it. Wolves love that. Do you have a game from the week to come that you're like, yeah, that's the business right there? I got one because it suddenly got real interesting after this week. Michigan is favored by 25 points over Michigan State. Traditionally, that has been an excellent position for Michigan to be in. Michigan State coming in off a very normal loss to Rutgers. Nothing weird about the box score, nothing deceptive about that box score, all very replicable.

You tend to have a nine turnover game, and then you come in to face a team that just beat up on a team that was missing, what was like five starters, something like that. Yep. And that number's looking a little lofty. Also, I will say this, 25 points. That's disrespect right there. Does that work now that Mark D'Antonio is not the coach anymore? I think so. I just think it's in their DNA.

I think anytime you only have two colors and one of them is white, you just feel. like the poor university right like when one of you could afford nice uniforms right when one of your colors is leave it blank right i think you're perpetually going to feel disrespected i got disagree with that i feel like michigan state and i hate to say this pen state have some of like the best looking uniforms in college football i always think michigan state kind of has that utility you know i feel this sincerely because i wouldn't compliment these teams i feel like Penn State's always phoning it in the uniform department because they're like, yeah, the helmet, it's just white. Didn't put anything on there.

I think with Michigan State, it's like, sure, it looks nice, but in their minds, it's almost an attacking defensive kind of thing. Like, well, oh, you think our uniform sucks, don't you? You know, it's like, no, no, you guys look, you guys look pretty cool. Oh, yeah, they think we're poor, you know. So, like, it's, I think it's intentionally cutting down the number of colors so that you can complain about. people who think you don't have enough colors. Michigan State is generating enough angst to cover the 25 is what I'm saying. Michigan State is just the most irritating significant other of a program, right?

Like, oh honey, listen, I love the uniform. You think it makes me look fat, don't you? Don't you? No, no, it looks fine. The green and the white, it's just so, it's so clean. Is that because I'm dirty? Like, just, they'd have to just be exhausting. fortunately you don't have to date michigan state which is good because you won't have to put ice

on their body after they are beaten black and blue by michigan because tell me about your dates yeah that's that's what i do on my dates is i i help everyone recover from the bar brawl we've gotten into that's it go ahead fill the bathtub with ice because it was a really crazy night out That is how Indiana Jones forms most of his meaningful relationships. You know, Indiana Jones is more, like, more trashneck, right? He's more hellbillies. He's definitely a Michigan State grad. 100%.

Is the secret that Indiana Jones actually doesn't know math? Because I know he knows like five dead languages, but like I think there's a real strong case to be made for Indiana Jones has no understanding of science or math. Yeah, I think that's possible. And he's like, and he's like, what's history for? for getting dirty mostly for getting dirty i mean frankly i think part of you at least has to be half stupid to carry a bullwhip is your primary weapon it's so unpredictable and you can't use it at close range you're like listen i'm deadly just get 20 feet away from me i love castlvania you'll never take it away from me indiana jones is from do we know this no he's from princeton wow

a tiger he's false claiming indiana the michigan state the michigan state of the He has a PhD from University of Chicago. So he has two schools that used to be in the Big Ten. Yeah. Yeah. Also, based on other graduates of the University of Chicago, I know, they don't know math either. So this is really, Princeton, math not required, they only hire mathematicians, right? They went and got Einstein.

Einstein didn't go to Princeton. He had to move there. Right? So they went and bought some mathematicians. Then he was at the University of Chicago, and he's just like, yeah, they can't do math at all. So, yeah, I'm buying this, right? Because Indiana Jones is perpetually doing things like, I'm going to swim to that submarine, and it'll be fine. He now teaches at the supposedly fictional Barnett College in Fairfield, New York. Well, that's Syracuse.

There we have it. That's why he's so angry and carries a bullwhip. He's like, I live through the Scotch-shaped. for years how why do i why am i teaching at a basketball school oh my god the population of fairfield new york is 1600 wow we got india out to the dead center of new york that like doesn't that kind of reveal that he's a shitty professor yeah you're at yeah like i mean he really a shitty professor and if memory serves he's not like oh he's not like oh you know i teach like um you know master of students or students gave it he's teaching him like

intro to ancient history it's like all right you're 18 and you're here because your parents didn't want you to go off to war now let me tell you about ancient Samaria pay attention or I'll bullwhip you it's legal in this time

I mean 80s yeah yeah the 19 it's crazy how legal bull whipping was back then I I wanted by the way his absenteeism rate it's got to be crazy That's why he's teach all the intro classes, right?

They're like, you know, he's thinking, oh, I really want to do that whole thing on Sumerian pottery. And they're like, yeah, listen, bro, the TA had to pick that up. And we just hired him as an adjunct. You're back on intro, dude. And he's like, I'm in a village of 1600 of state New Yorkers. I can't stand this. I've got to go run to New Delhi. You should also know the professor keeps a gun on him a lot.

That's it. And he's probably had sex, inappropriate sex, with many of them. of his students on study abroad we saw the professor shoot a swordsman just in the middle of the street for no reason yeah it's fucking rad it's it's strongly implied he has sex with students he had sex with a nazi did we mention how he had sex with a nazi yeah that's true he's like actually a national security risk also same dude who had an affair with the dad it's creepy so He was creepy. Wait, way, way, wait.

Hang on, hang on. Run that back. Same dude. Same dude. What was the, what was the verb? Yeah, yeah. No, we need to rephrase that. Or do we?

Buddy, we've talked about action verbs. That's true. That's true. Indiana Jones and the temple of his dad. And the temple and the weird Nazi orgy. All I'm saying, it's real creepy that Indiana Jones's dad is like, oh, that girl. Let me tell you something about her.

Not when it's Sean Connery, though. No, it's still creepy. It's gross. No, with Sean Connery's gross. It makes more sense, though. It is more, it is both more plausible and equally gross. Right. That he's just playing Sean Connery there, like, oh, her.

Yeah. But the John Connery will just tell you he had sex with a woman, even if he didn't, like, of course. Did anyone see the 2008 Indiana Jones? No. Yeah. I'm reading the wiki. God damn. They went through some things on this. I've seen Area 51.

Yep. This doesn't even get at the most surprising part of this, which was Kate Blanchett's accent. What is she Russian? Is she Russian? Yes. Ostensibly Russian? Okay. She vacillates back and forth between like Catherine Hepburn, Foghorn, Leghorn,

and this very clipped British colonial. colonialist Russian accent. So it's like, Das Vadanya, Dr. Jones. It's bat shit. That's Borat. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't prove it's not Borat. My husband. Get in fridge. It's like she memorized how to say each word in a Russian accent. And all they told her was just say these words in this order. And it's like, you will help us find it. Also, she hangs out with Woody Allen, so, you know, fuck her. It's got psychic aliens.

Yeah, it's big on this. Shea Labouf. Yeah, it's got LaBoof. Yeah, that's way down the list of atrocities. He does open the movie by hiding out from a nuclear explosion inside a refrigerator, which he then opens from the inside, which I'm sure all parents were happy to see their children learn is the thing that you can do. To be fair, it is a much funnier movie if he survives the nuclear explosion, but dies because he's locked

inside a fridge. Or what if he's just in there? What if it's just two hours of him? That would have been a way funnier movie. The disrespect. Oh, I'm messing the Spartans game right now. I would bet you Shilabuff pitch that as the whole plot. It's like, what if I'm just in the fridge

for like two hours, man? And it's just me going through it. Spielberg's like, I need the weed. You're smoking. Because it's the good stuff. It's super powerful. This note on Indiana Jones for Harrison Ford apparently refused to have his hair died. He wanted to keep his gray hair in this because he said, you know, it wanted to be like age positive or whatever.

Like, come on, dude. We know you didn't want to, like, show up five minutes early. Yeah. Just to set, you know, like, it's Harrison Ford. He will be paid for the time he clocks in and then he will clock out. 70% of the scenes will be seated. Don't make me fly this plane into the same. set, because I'll do it.

Twice. Yeah, I'll just fly to the set. Don't do that, Harrison. Don't. It's got a flying saucer. I respect him for crashing, like, he crashed a plane onto a golf course, which to me, that's like...

He's crashed, like, six planes in America still thinks it's charming. He's crashing multiple planes. Listen, I guarantee you the FAA does not find that charming. Very serious. I don't care how charming they find it. They have not affected his behavior in the slightest. Yeah, that's true. Which tells me that more than a few of them find it charming.

Shouldn't somebody be taking away his pilot's license at this point? I mean, it seems pretty easy to keep somebody out of a plane. And yet, he's wily. And yet, although that's literally not even true of Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones is constantly grabbing planes he's not supposed to grab. Aren't all of Harrison Ford's characters constantly steep? dealing aerial vehicles except you five seven one that's the last place you'd think to look isn't could he crash it though i bet he could i bet surely he did he crashed it not down but up

he does do a lot of pilot movies that's weird yeah well remember he only plays the pilot i think yeah i i think it's it's about uh oh it's a cheap ride back to the schedule. Yeah, I was going to say Florida, Missouri. That's the one? Yeah. We're going to go from Fund Indiana Jones talk to Florida, Missouri. Yeah.

Yeah. You suck. No, you just have a negative opinion about Florida. Indiana Ruckers. No, it's just that Indiana Ruckers is right on the schedule. The winner will be tied for the lead in the Big Ten East. Wait, Florida doesn't even play. Oh, wait, they do.

They do. I thought this was cocktail party week. Okay. No, no. As an SEC honk, I have to mention that. As an SEC, what? And would have known him. Huck.

He said a honk, not hunk. No, I was trying to get him to make the goose game noise. He actually did do that one right. Yeah, I was the good. Training is so hard. This is like, why are you picking Missouri, Florida instead of Arkansas A&M? You better have a Georgia at South Carolina level good reason for this. Oh, I can, no, I can tell you because one.

Dazzulous. A&M sucks to watch. They really do. I don't think that's totally true, but okay. You don't have to think it's totally true. I can't, I can't help. Like, Jimbo's like, I'm sorry. Jimbo's like watching somebody chew aluminum foil.

I have no idea what they're trying to do, and everything good they do seems to happen on accident, which normally I find charming, but in their case, I just find plotting and incoherent. You've changed. I've never liked watching Jimbo Fisher Ball. Never, ever. It's never made sense to me

Dude called a screen on like third and one in 2006 Against Florida with LSU And I was just like, I've given up on this man for life Nothing Won a national title, didn't change my opinion Hate watching it I think it is important to note here That in the last game for these teams

Jimbo Fisher beat Florida Oh, interesting Please, who hasn't? Like this is a sign of confidence Just Jimbo, just Jimbo Well, I think that is another further argument for Arkansas A&M, which has Arkansas instead of Mizzou. There's only one possible outcome I'll be happy with in that game, one, and it's not a likely one. Arkansas winning.

Yeah, because otherwise I'm just, otherwise I'm just going to watch a team I like have bad things happen to them. Okay. Right? Mizzu, Florida, there's just stuff I don't know, right? like I don't like I this is the one where you go okay well if Florida is going to play any defense it would be from moving people around and figuring out how to play even a modicum of defense over the past two weeks right which even then they were limited in practice because everybody got COVID so who knows whether they're going to do that also Mazoo has been very adaptable and actually has like a good running game and Connor Basilax coming along I don't there's just a lot of developmental stuff that's like up in the air that I'm really interested to see in this game. That's it. Pretty much know what A&M and Arkansas are going to do.

But you don't think, like, even knowing that, it'll be fun? I don't know if A&M plays fun. I just don't. Okay. They're not a particularly fun team, right? I know. Florida can be fun, right? Not on defense.

Well, not for me. They're very fun for everybody else. And Mizzou, I like Larry Roundtree. Larry Roundtree is an amazing running back right I like the fact that Mazuse managed to stay in two games where at times you're like I don't know if they're going to make it man and they've been

they've white knuckled them and come out on top they out Kentucky Kentucky what kind of daring what kind of daring do you want out of a team when Kentucky's like do less and Mazoo's like watch us you know Eli Drinkwitz is calling all kinds of

weird plays and yeah no I'm I'm all for it Like, to me, this is actually an interesting football game, and I say that with all sincerity. And I'm Arkansas. You know, in the third quarter, if Arkansas is like right there, I'll watch it. Like, definitely. But I'm not going to sit there and watch, you know, boring-ass Jimbo Fisher football. Grind away at my beloved hogs.

Don't say that. Grind away. Grind away at my hogs. Okay. Grind away. Jason, you got a game? Yeah, it was Michigan State, Michigan. Okay.

From a while back. And then we talked about Indiana Jones for like 15 minutes and my brain died. I love our 30-minute Wednesday night show. It's great. Holly, you got a game? Or are we going to move on to our question? I will point out that Oklahoma, Texas Tech is kicking off at 7 p.m. on Halloween night in Lubbock. but the game

that I am really looking forward to watching because I am a terrible person The drama is killing me I actually forgot No I had it It was an SEC game It was? Was it LSU Auburn?

Oh it was not Oh no I think I know for terrible people Yeah I think you want I think you want the team that the team that tries less, that does less, that tries to win a game in 40 plays.

Are you talking about Georgia, Kentucky? Yes, I am. Thank you. Oh, God. Yeah, you're a terrible person. I'm staring right at the schedule right now and I still don't see it like the internet is arranging itself. Do you not want?

No, no, it's great. It'll be like burning ants with a magnifying glass that is not actually magnified. It's up high on the schedule where all the good games are. Oh, it's at 11 a.m. Thank you, LSU football. on net. My only hope for that game

is that it's over in like an hour and 30 minutes. Like, just improbably quick. But if we're doing sickos time, well, Northwestern at Iowa is right there. God damn it. I didn't want to say that out

loud because I was like, oh, that's too depraved. No. Northwestern at Iowa's right there. Northwestern beat the absolute breaks off of Maryland. in week one. It was like to the point where I'm like,

Merrill is not going to win. They're going to go 0 and 8 this season. I mean, yeah. So I am like, I'm trying to imagine what it will look like if Iowa starts the year with close loss to Purdue, give up 500 yards to Northwestern at home. And you'll be looking out for our boys at Indiana

to suffer some kind of letdown game at Rutgers? That's just, just iron sharpened iron is what that is. You can say anything. thing is what I'm learning. Yep, that is correct. That would be undefeated Indiana facing undefeated Rutgers. The Pack 12 also starts playing football this weekend. No, they don't.

Nope. I was trying to think of something else interesting that might happen. Hey, Mike Leach and Nick Saban have to share a football field for perhaps as many as three hours. Do you want to watch receivers be forced to run into telephone polls? no because man i'm still i'm still mad about last week honestly you put jalen wattle in against tennessee state air force instead go watch ohio state penn state any like navy smu don't watch mississippi state albama this is this is kind of what got me lost in the schedule because i started going down and scrolling for other games it is one of the weird

effects of this year is that it is so hard to scroll down the list and just pick out at a glance what your personal, what your personal smorgasbord for the weekend is going to be. Like there is always the watch grid from Jason Kirk via Moon Crew, which you should subscribe to immediately. Many people find it useful, including my own father, who complains when he cannot find it in his inbox. But it's so hard to tell at a glance what teams do you want to watch because then you have to go through in your head and scroll through the litany of horrors that each team has visited upon itself and had visited upon it by circumstances this year and i just don't have the speed for that yet that's fair that's reasonable i did think of one thing also i was just thinking about bama you don't have to watch the

game to appreciate this i just want you to think about it that mississippi state runs the same place mike leech has been running for 25 years now per time immemorial yeah and i guess what Nick Saban had his defensive assistants doing this week anyway. Watching the same, watching 50 hours of film with the same play is over. You know, they probably came back like after three hours and go, hey, Nick, man. I'm like, this looks like the same plays over and over again. It looks like, go back. Keep watching.

You know, you're right about one thing. We definitely don't have to watch this game to know that. No, you don't. Y'all did, but we don't. Just know that, like, 40 Nick Saban assistance and Rand consultants hired to tell the Alabama football program, every possible thing that a team can do ran out of things on Mississippi State about two hours into film watching. I think in Bama, they're called Randy Consultants. The Randy Corporation.

Oh, my God, that's our consulting firm. Dibbs. Also, unranked Texas will try to try to get. getting upset over number six Oklahoma State 2020 it's gone great yes I think if we have a statistical metric the the sicko metric the the sicko quotient yeah LSU Auburn has got to be high way up there first of all it has Auburn all right it has Auburn period Auburn like if this is a zero and then and then it has LSU yeah if if if this is a zero to 100 metric and like you know the Bama game is always a zero

until Bama loses, then it's 100. But Auburn alone, that's, that's, that's, that's 80 or 90 points. And LSU, we still have no clue what LSU is this year. Sure, you beat South Carolina pretty badly. Okay, what does that mean? I don't know, right? So, so, so yeah, this game is going to plumb the depths of the rulebook. The ongoing pro-Auburn conspiracy and the SEC will surely continue.

Whole new grievances will be spawned Tune in on CBS Losing coach Designated trash Designated trash for the rest of the year Coach O fired at two and three His book with Bruce Feldman comes out

And he loses to Auburn on a P-I call Cancel the publication All copies burned Yeah can I just Put this little B in your bonnet Fourth quarter Auburned trailing by a score of 27 to 21 right because it has to be that I was like what's the trickiest number 2721 yeah all right 27 22 would be even better so okay this 27 22 how did it happen you know how it happened it doesn't matter you don't know how it happened exactly but you know why yeah it's 27 22 there are 34 seconds on the clock and

And Bo Nix launches a pass from his own 45 to, like, the LSU 5. It bounces off of three people. Like a Harrison Ford plane flying through the air. Destination, unknown. Control. Unknown. Get off my field. Dun to do, da, da.

Wow, if I will say, Bo Nix should be allowed to take the field with a, with a bull, whip. He doesn't get to use it. He just gets to have it. I love this effect Bo Nix has, though. Bo Nix takes the field with a bull whip and the egg bowl and

Link if it's going to or Mike Leach is going to shoot him. I like that you just transferred Bo Nix's Old Miss. God, I got my, but I keep putting him in Ole Miss because he's a bow.

Right. So firmly is Bo Wallace lodged in my skull. I'm in Iron Bowl. Anyway, Sabin's going to put out a purse gun and shoot him. Saturday night's special. Little Derringer with the pearl handle.

Yeah, see? To be clear, it's a purse gun and it's Miss Terry's. Sorry. Because she doesn't let him carry one. Don't trust you, Nick. You've got angry issues. You've got to have a cold heart to carry one of these. That's steady aim, brother.

Yeah, this is, that's all I want to see. I want to see some situation where, like, there's something that could theoretically be pass interference on a goal line play where there's something that could be a call that could go either way and Auburn's lining up from like the three and LSU fans are just like,

oh no! It's happening again! It comes! Oh, Jesus hates us! That's what I want to see. Because they know. They know they've watched the last couple of weeks, man. They're like, oh, it won't happen to me. That happens old miss.

Put me down for LSU loses on three-point safety the mark curle's crew called the three-point safety well we didn't review it what's a three-point safety you might say well tune in on Saturday to find out you not you Kyle you not you Kyle we we of course as always are sponsored by the one the only

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on a plane. Mm-hmm. Fly it up. Fired up. Roll tied. I haven't seen the Alabama designs either, but I am looking forward to determining which school, Alabama or Auburn, is wealthier, which will be determined solely by this sales competition.

That's true. And therefore better. Yes, yes. And it'll be true forever, no matter who wins. So, Annie up. And therefore, more SEC. God, I would hate to be not SEC enough. It just means more, more money.

More of your money for home field to pay. Carol, give it to them. No pressure. Give it to them. We have a question this week. You can play with it. I want you to mess around with this question a little bit because this is our one-question mailbag. The one-question mailbag takes the opposite approach to most mailbags.

Most mail-bags just answer questions, willy-nealing. We like to settle down. Answer questions, what? Just push back. Keep moving. Keep moving. I heard it. We all heard it.

Whaling-naley. Wow. It's worse. It's worse. shit i said that like little no i just no i'm mad at ryan i knew he was going to say it again and i didn't want him to and now look at what's happened yeah ryan fine can answer them pell-mell stay down ryan okay this question comes from emotional pescu it is the only question that we will do this week from the one question mailbag ryan is that okay with you i'm staying down

At Emotional Fescue asks, How long could you live in a mall at night without anyone finding out? And what would be your strategy for food, shelter, entertainment, and self-preservation, maintaining sanity? By the way, it is 2020. Maintaining sanity isn't a parenthetical here before the question mark. I would like to go ahead and offer a slightly looser parameter for this question because in a mall... Because we decided on the question, like 10 minutes ago. We did. Also, living in a mall at night, I think, is easier than it used to be, frankly,

because malls are kind of abandoned haunted spaces where I think you could probably last a lot longer. Oh, they'd probably be happy to have you at this point. Yeah. They probably, oh, my God, we got a Phantom of the Mall? That's awesome. That's going to be great for business. A Phantom of the Orange Julius? Come this way.

Yeah. So that would, I think it's easier to do that now and you're probably a good bit more welcome. I will say, there's fewer supplies in the mall than there used to be. So that part might be a little more difficult. Is there perhaps a tweak to the rule here to say like accepting 2020, like pretend we're in 2019? Oh no, I mean like 1990, like when malls were a super thing, right? Because I think this is a great question. I just think you have to expand your understanding of the retail space we're dealing with here, right?

So I would say a commercial space, right? Because I'm all, mall at night, it's going to be a little easy at this point, okay? I think there's good bones to this question, though, because, you know, in the past we've discussed where you would want your doomsday spot to be, right? When the Great Hunger strikes, what place would you want to go to? But right now, if you had your spot and I do, have an answer to this already. What would be your spot where you know you could get some food,

get some shelter, entertainment, but there was still going to be a lot of business conducted in said space, right? So you could choose them all if you wanted to. But you could also do a theme park. I think theme park is acceptable for this under retail spaces. All right. I'm giving you some latitude, so you can run with it, okay? I thought this would have been better if we'd had a couple hours for it.

I don't know how much world building I can, do in the next 45 seconds. Driving range. What did we say last time that we did this? Driving range. We did this. The last time I remember doing this was when we talked about Tennessee versus Kentucky fans and who was better suited to live above the drop ceiling in a store.

The answer was Kentucky fans. At some point on this show, we've done, like, which retail establishment? Yeah, yeah. And then before that, we talked about bass pro shops being where we were all going to meet up after civilization collapsed yes but this is without being detected under current circumstances okay so so you so yeah i will stick with um driving range without being detected state your case it's not it's not the goal is not to not be detected it's to not be um ejected from the premises and like you have to really cause some

problems to get thrown off a driving range. It's not, it's easy to get thrown off a golf course, but just like a drive, and I'm not talking about a driving range attached to a nice golf course. I'm talking about a like just driving range where it's like every ball looks like it's been digested through eight hippopotamuses, like grungy, grody driving range. They'll let me stay there and they'll never care. They'll never care for a minute as long as I'm not causing any problems you can stay in a driving range forever so top golf is where you're going to ride out top golf is probably too nice they they might kick me out i was going to say like you're talking about like the chip and putt right you're talking about yes you're talking about a place that

probably sells beer and firewood seasonally and bait and where you can also buy bait oh you said beer and firewood and now i know where you're talking about but there's no shelter there except for the firewood shack no there's usually some of these some of these driving ranges will have like a little shed like a little like store area where you go in to like get your bucket of balls or buy a glove like buy some real basic stuff or get like you know um an almond joy or some shit it's listen this is not this is not luxury living and i understand that what i'm saying sounds unpleasant, but... I just see you're living, like, 80 yards out

in the middle of the driving range and getting pelted when you wake up, right? Oh, Jesus! That would also build character, so that's fine with me. But, like, listen, at this point in my life, I don't want to have to think about, like, okay, I have to learn the guards patterns,

and then I have to hide on top of this toilet. Like, I read the mixed-up files of Mrs. Baselie Frank Weiler. Great book, but I don't want to live that way. I just want the ease and comfort of that's Ryan he lives at the driving range it's cool how are you going to get food are you just going to live off almond joys

yes yes so Ryan what you're going for here is is like lazy metal gear yes where when the guard sees you there's no exclamation it's just a period yes it's just an ellipsis just like hey man you're gonna instead of blurt it's like

Brian puts a cardboard box in his head and they're just like I don't know T up and hit it yep Bons bong bong bong bong so how long do you think you could last living seven to eight years you're gonna look so awful 100% a lot coming from you yeah your teeth are gonna fall out yes I will say almond almond joy is quite like quite the pick though because you have nuts which are a rich source of nutrition so you accidentally buried like a pretty good piece of like survival nutrition inside a diabetes causing disaster i can pull them out if i need and also this is like the kind of place where you're a bear are you just are you just pulling salmon out of the stream at this point we can't all be spencer reader close your eyes you can picture the snacks that this driving range offers for sale it's the

obscenely bright orange peanut butter crackers you see those in your mind don't you there's the like weirdly long sleeve of peanuts that's there jerky of some sort some sort of meat snack almond joy Eminem's um probably like let's go one weird one like mamba not starburst we have mamba and then it's like you know a bunch of soda and like extremely burnt coffee it's fine listen it's not it none of it's good but it's low stress man are you just going to like is it just going to look like ryan nanny 2,021 to 2,029 8 almond joys check Twitter on my phone yep and then slept I'm guessing you're sleeping in the office yes that's correct is that is correct Is this your job now?

No, I just live there. I don't have a job. I don't have a family. And that's why if I pull this off, the CIA will come to me and they'll be like, hey, we saw what you did. We like your ability to stay in one place. And we want to put you in this post. Now, Ryan works in digital media. This is probably where he's going to end up living regardless.

Are you informing on the driving range? No. Okay. You will protect your sources at the driving range? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay, we just don't want you to roll on the driving range now. No, I'm, listen, man, this is a mutual deal.

It's a, it's anemone clownfish deal here, like. Okay. Yeah, I lure the golfers. Driving rain's got to be able to trust you. That's why I go out in the cardboard box and get pelted to prove my honor, to prove my devotion. Okay, yeah, this is a fair deal all around. Yeah. I am.

I am. floored at this this is an amazingly dumb plan I like I like it simple what it is simple man it's very fucking simple they're not going to kick me out

why do I see you playing snake on your phone your flipped phone Spencer what Spencer describe to me the security presence human or technological at a driving range nothing

Maybe the office has a shitty lock. That's it. I don't know if police come to driving ranges when you call. They don't have addresses. How would they know where to go? If you're like, hey, there's a fight at the driving range. The police are like, that's international waters, buddy. That's people who can afford lawyers playing with sticks.

Not going to mess with that. When we get there, they're all going to be holding pieces of iron. No. Yep. I'm out. Yep. you know what i'm going to give your plan i'm going to fail your plan but i'm going to say i like it

i'm going to give that like that's like an f that's fine this that's one of the most grandiosely stupid ideas i've heard you have i love it though i do love it let's at least say this i am confident i could pull it off okay like it wouldn't be pleasant and I would hate myself for doing it but I could do it okay I have I have my spot where I think I could go for a while I do because I think you could I think you could hide like but solving the security thing I think there's enough places in this retail space for me to hide I think there's a food source built in I know there's Wi-Fi. It's good at most locations. It sucks at the Atlanta one. And I think I can keep

myself pretty entertained. And I think that I could maintain my sanity pretty well, honestly. And that would be, I think I could do pretty well living inside an IKEA. Okay. How are you? Food, cafeteria. No, but that's, are you buying the food or are you stealing the food? you buying the almond joys come on no no no but okay a the almond joys are far less secure and then i assume the food at ikea would be okay the almond there's no preparation involved like most of the food at an ikea like a cook cooks in a big potter whatever and puts into like you know a serving tray right are you cooking late at night in the ikea kitchen no no no you just

take tubes of that like salmon paste I could live on that don't don't deny you know what I could I'm not saying it's a good idea with the driving rage you're just gonna eat fucking Swedish salmon paste Holly I could do it for a long time

yeah those like horrible cardboard crackers and some some Swedish fish paste I could be good for a couple of months on that alone figure out how to get the soft serve machine running you'll be good If you can sleep under it

With it open Into your mouth I will tell you too In a pinch at IKEA You know what you can do If you're super super desperate So you know I was a dirtbag College student

You put the whole tray back in the rack Right When you're done Oh God Oh yeah you're gonna raid those trays Ma'am That's if I don't have to pay I didn't say it was good

I didn't say it wasn't desperate But it could be done where are you sleeping it's going to vary it's part of my security plan you got to choose one of the top you got to choose one of the top bunks in one of these small spaces

right you got to hope you're not like a loud farter when you sleep too because that might be a problem and you don't have to get up until after the store is open so your sleeping hours are going to be a little odd but I think you could do it right

and for entertainment I'm in an IKEA I'm probably just going to like browse talk to some people might pretend I work there right might don't do that that'll get you caught

it will get me caught I might surf those cargo carts that they have on the first floor for fun I do that anyway so I might as well go ahead get out get some sunshine

you can do that because you only have to do this at night per the question So I think I could last for quite a long time in the IKEA, honestly, especially, again, just stick to the bunk bed so you're not discovered. Where are you bathing? Oh, that's not happening very often, let's be honest. I mean, I'm not doing that at the driving range either. No, you're sitting out there and letting the sprinklers hit you.

Right? Unless it's reclaimed. That's also recreation. That's true. That's true. They're like, I just saw you. Like, just whipping your shirt off, like, ah. It's bad daytime for daddy.

Now you're mad at me, Holly. Now you're mad at me. The manager's like, ah, there goes the old man of the range. I told you to stay down. I told you to stay down for all of our seats. And now look what's happened. He's up and living at the driving range every day. Never seen a man so fulfilled.

Will you be tempted if you live in an IKEA? at night to assemble furniture no not once no no no no that's although every now and then every now and then the security guards will swear there's a saskatch that lives in the halls and puts together furniture the most difficult kind the one the employees struggle with they're not sure how it happens he's a mythical figure some say he sleeps in the upper bunks of displaced farting loudly at night so let me tell you how you're going to get caught um you like me are a man of larger frame um ikea furniture is good for what it is but also has some structural limitations yeah at some point you will you will fall through the top bunk to the bottom bunk it will be loud

it will be noticeable and they will realize that you have been living in the ikea well then they're going to have to catch me i think after you fall in the middle of your sleep on your back five feet down onto another bed I don't think you're going to be sprinting all that fast listen the place is a circle I'm going to be so in shape

all I'm going to do all day long is swim around like a sad goldfish swim yes this is the underwater IKEA no that's not that's not what Jason's poking at no no

Where are you going to learn to swim? There's also that. There's a nice lake by the Atlanta one that probably solved the swimming and the bathing option. You're going in and out of the IKEA? Yeah, it doesn't work. You have to stay on property, man. This was your idea.

I just have to do it at night. But, you know, if you want me staying on property, you know where I'm going to bathe? That's right. And the Swedish meatball fountain? That's correct. I'm going to bathe in the soft serve. That's a thing that I just imagined I don't go to IKEA.

Yeah. I'm going to do what Scandinavians do to keep their skin, lovely, young, and fresh. Is there an IKEA sauna? Yeah, actually. There is not. That would be awesome. That would be incredible. Just sitting there bathing in the sink of the IKEA Test Kitchen.

Hey, this one's hooked up. Are you worried that you are so recognizable that, that, On day eight, somebody will be like, hey man, notice you come in here a lot. You never buy anything, and you seem to be here for the entirety of the time the store is open. I'll hold the bag. Nobody ever looks at what's in an IKEA bag. That doesn't change the fact that you're there. Are you putting yourself in the bag?

If necessary. You're there every day for like 10 hours. Yeah. you don't think that's you don't think they're eventually going to pick up on that I'm kind of picking up on Ikea employees not really caring whether they live or die to be a significant advantage Jesus they don't like what have you ever seen an Ikea employee like have you ever asked is anyone Ikea ever asked can I help you no that's the point that's the that's right but I don't I don't think it's because they're nihilist

about their own future yeah they don't care if you live or die it's probably the better phrasing there they're just like whatever man I'm here to like pick up blue black blue bags yeah and one of those blue bags is going to have me in it and they won't care that's I'll throw it in the corner you're nude you're nude aren't you know so nude

I mean just quite you know what I'm just wearing I'm wearing those fake fur blankets that they have you said that specifically to upset me just cobbled together right so I look like I'm from like 35,000 BC

the hunting mammoth. Jason, do you have an answer on where you would live? Without being detected. So I thought about, all right, we're somewhere big, nice, lots of resources. Driving range is open for... Primarily food, I will come visit you at the driving range as I can. You know, a place with shelter, but also we're going to need a little bit of sunshine, a little bit of fresh air.

Some entertainment would be nice, you know, for every now and then. So the Atlanta Falcons Stadium, right? If I were to try and weather the apocalypse, there's not going to be a lot of people there because soccer season is done. You know, and there's only so many soccer games per year. Those are the only times it's inhabited at all. Every now and then there's going to be a few football players running down. completely unobserved by any human eyes so there there's my entertainment the

restaurants are awesome there the food is great and it's all mine because there's no one else there to eat it sometimes they open the roof and Arthur can spend money to open the roof and then close it for no one but me Arthur does it for me that's who it's for it's great it's a good plan I actually think that's pretty plausible you know where are you where are you sleeping that's a guess my only oh my I have I mean if I want to if I want to sleep upright I have 70,000 choices so there is in this thing it's Mercedes Ben Stadium and man they go all in on that branding there are Benz is all over the place like like there are there are old

Ben's cars that are like stacked up as art like hanging from a wall so oh so not even like cars you would have to break into no they're just I mean there's all over the place just piles and piles and piles of cars so yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna like recline kick back and you know in a luxury car driving on the field sure no one'll see no no they also where are you going to are you going to bathe in the locker rooms yeah i mean they'll be available most days so yeah that seems that seems pretty easy like you know there'll be some days where it's like well there's a bunch of football players in there That is their space. I will not be, you know, competing with them for that, and I will not risk detection.

So we're going to take the day off bathing. That's the trade I'll make. Can we do a quick, like, roll play here real quick? Yeah. It's Wednesday. It's noon. You're walking around the stadium. You've just had a lunch of your choosing.

I'm a security guard. Excuse me, sir. What are you doing here? Hi, I'm with Peach Bowl. All right. Have a great day. thanks damn fuck

also also if we wanted to get creative there's a little bird shaped nest like birds nest shaped there's a couple aren't there there's a couple and I was always thinking like the tops of those

it kind of looked cozy to be honest it looked like nests you could just get a bunch of like discount Todd Gurley shirts make yourself a pretty nice little nest up there. Nobody finds you. I think Jason has the best answer so far. Holly,

can you top him? Oh, no. Never. No? Do you want me to try? You can try. Okay. For the record, I think that nobody would find you would be a good place to stop. But in the interest of turning our 80-minute 30-minute episode into a 90-minute

30-minute episode, I thought about Epcot because I'm the only person who likes Epcot. And if the world immediately around Epcot were to fall into mayhem and chaos and desolation and emptiness tomorrow, I for one would be pretty happy from an Epcot sense because that would mean that they would stop tearing down all the dorky old nerd rides at Epcot and putting in things about Frozen. So the land pavilion at Epcot is where I would make my home because there are hydroponies,

fruits and vegetables there are fish there are comfortable benches in the food court on which to lull and most importantly I could ride the hydroponic farming ride over and over again and no one could make fun of me for wanting to go on the hydroponic farming ride at Epcot before I do anything else and at the expense of everything else at Epcot that's what I'd like to do in reality I imagine this playing out a lot more like the season one finale of the Nickelodeon television program, Are You Afraid of the Dark? Talking about the original version of the television show from the 90s, in which,

now this is a Gary story, so bear with me, but, you know, he nailed this one, just this once. A kid in a mall steals a quarter from a wishing well and tries to get a job at one of those stores that looks like it sells swords. You know, it always comes back to mallswords on this show. And there is a pinball game under a tarp in the cover. And the crotchety old owner of the shop, who you'll see again later, says, you know, hey, yeah, you can watch the store while I'm on my lunch break,

but don't peek under the tarp. That game's not ready. And the old man leaves for lunch, and the kid flips up the tarp and starts playing this game. only to find himself trapped in a mall that has been turned into a giant pinball game. He fights his way through robots, zombies, like hooded medieval executioners. There's a big old dude swinging up mace.

This was a children's show. Gets to the end, crowns the princess, the witch is defeated, order is restored to the kingdom, and then everything disappears. And he finds himself back in the lobby, of the molligan and a huge silver pinball is rolling to the top of the escalator right above him and if that is not what the end of the world feels like to me right now it's close enough

for a podcast i like epcot too i think epcot is great let's talk about epcot so so you like the um like the sciencey parts i like the land pavilion i wish they had never torn down like body Wars and Cranium command. Those rides were dope. Horizons is the best ride Disney has ever made, and they tore it down for that shitty GM thing. Yeah. I like the walk around the world. I very much like that. That's my single favorite thing at Disney entirely. This last time we went in January, Emily just said like, all right, here is some, she did the thing like mom dropping teen son off at movies. She was like, here, go to Epcot. We will leave you there, and we will go have fun. And I was like, great, I'm occupied, right? So yeah, I could I could spend all day at

Epcot. I think that's one of the best possible answers. Yeah, the thing that people don't really realize about Epcot because it's Florida and you can't really tell where the landscape is going down there. Epcot is huge. Epcot is split into two parks, but it's also the size of like two entire theme parks. You could have multiple people living their lives in Epcot, Jason, if you wish to occupy the World Showcase in Epcot. And I'm were to occupy the world of tomorrow way over on the other side of the lake we could never run into each other am i right in thinking and i'm not an epcot expert the the play here is at least during the day during the park's opening hours just don't get drunk like mostly disney's

disney staff is preoccupied with okay who is too drunk drinking around the world yes you're going to need to be you're going to need to be somewhat drunk though right right yeah because If you're at Epcot, Germany, and you're not holding three bears, you're looking a little suspect. Right. Yeah. Okay. So you really wouldn't hear about this, but have any of you ever known anybody who hit out the park in any of the Disney parks? Who?

What? Who hit out? Oh, no. I'm not Floridian, so no. Okay. Jason, Ryan, do you know anybody who pulled this off? No, I thought you said hit it out of the park, but no. That's what I thought he said.

I thought this was some sort of a sex reference. Yes. No, somebody who is hidden out. Own it on spaceship earth. Yeah. This is... I am in a room with my mother. You normally wouldn't hear about it because everywhere on the park that has, that is, you know,

terrestrial and isn't, like, isolated has the Disney security force that sweeps the whole place. And you wouldn't hear about it because everything that happens, that Disney kind of happens under, like, the veil of Mickey. Here's a good... Here's a good Los Angeles Times headline from 2010 to this point. After dark, the dirty work at Disneyland begins. Oh, yeah, that's when they put out all the weird chemicals that make sure there are never any bugs. Yeah.

Okay. However, there is a place that doesn't get checked by security nightly. And it is Discovery Island. Is Discovery Island still open? It closed in 1999. And it has not been open. It is the subject of some forays by urban explorers and other daredevils. Oh, is this in that group with, like, Typhoon Lagoon, where they go and photograph how nature is retaking Disney?

Yes. Now, when you say nature retaking Disney, you think all of the things that Florida has to offer. Lizards, snakes, alligators. No, I think raccoons. Or a 42-year-old Alabama man. Oh, well, all right. Because this year, in May, Disney World's been closed since March, right? At this point.

But in May, a 42-year-old Alabama man was arrested on Discovery Island telling deputies he was unaware he was trespassing. He called the island a tropical paradise, according to the Orange County Sheriff's Office. Man, I love the idea of a dude who has never been to Dizzo. need because he's been in Alabama for all of his life just happening upon it by boat and like here there be dragons here's an important sentence from the CNN story about this man deputies launched searches for the man on foot boat and helicopter which he claimed not to have heard because he was asleep in one of the islands buildings why did the deputies know to look for him at all did this man have a family he was seen he was spotted okay bad staff work he was spotted and worn

over the PA that he was not allowed on the island. Oh, but there's a working PA? I guess so, yeah. So, it's like, it's like when they go back to Jurassic Park in the sequel. The other island, the other island, the other part, there are two notes here that are great. One, deputies noted

that there were numerous no trespassing signs like this. Yeah, elephant the 42 year old elephant man. No trespassing in the happiest place on Earth. Oh, boy. Like, you will be shot. There's a sign here that says no trespassing. better skeddattle. No.

Seek thee not the diamond and the rough. He was arrested on Thursday. When did he get there? According to his own account, he got there Monday or Tuesday. Monday or Tuesday. Which means that he made it fine. He might have set a record here because that means theoretically he might have made it three nights in Disney without anybody noticing him.

That man pooped down that island. Today shall thou be with me in paradise.