Shutdown Fullcast - The Isle of Alabama Man

Episode Date: December 16, 2020

--A man jetskied across the Irish Sea for love and he wasn't even from Alabama --How a dad jailed for jetskiing to another country could never parent effectively again --Ryan auditions for the CFB Playoff committee --Actual impassioned profane hollerin' about the very bad playoff rankings --No one cares about downtrodden underdog USC (no really, it's a thing) --"When Greg McElroy is on the barricades with you, it's over" --Talking about games no one wants to happen this weekend because everyone is very tired --Texas A&M vs. Ole Miss: The game where everything's made up, and nothing matters  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown to the shutdown fullcast. the internet's only college football podcast i'm spencer hall and i am here to tell you all a story is it a college football story i i think so it's about overcoming odds it's about it's about getting necessary yardage it's about it's about being off sides literally and you'll see why Thursday, Dale McLaughlin bought a jet ski. Yeah, there's the Scottish guy, Dale McLaughlin, who, after working on the Isle of Man and starting a relationship with a lady on said Isle of Man, a self-governing island between Ireland and the coast of Scotland in Great Britain,

he missed her being isolated as he was during the coronavirus pandemic. Yeah, he's on an Isle of Dudes. Mm-hmm. And on Monday of this week, Dale McLaughlin was sentenced to four weeks in jail. What happened between Thursday and Monday? Dale decided to become the ancient mariner himself and get to the Isle of Man and see his lady. How did he do it by getting on a jet ski? the very beginning

the very tail end of fall the very beginning of winter on some very, very harsh seas on a jet ski and driving all the way across what should have been a 40-minute journey on a jet ski and open water

to the Isle of Man. I have a series of rhetorical questions. One, had Dale McLaughlin ever ridden on a jet ski before? taking any anybody no I didn't even know you could get jet skis that far north

it never occurred to me that they exist outside of the United States and places in Mexico that Arizona state students go for spring break who in Scotland is thinking you know what I could use jet ski

I have okay I guess I have a non-ritorical question I have a logistical question how long did that take? Well, most experts in jet ski-based travel in northern climbs agree that the trip from Scotland to the Isle of Man, which is visible from the coast, to give you an idea of the kind of visual frame of reference for working on here. He, you can see it, it should have taken about 40 minutes. Did he have a gas can strap to his back? He must have because it ended up

taking Dale McLaughlin. I will point out, by the way, dude's name is Dale, thus making him eligible for Alabama or England. He took much longer than 40 minutes. It took him four and a half hours to get across, probably on account of having never been on a jet ski before. How about on account of the legendarily still waters of the Irish Sea?

Yeah, the tropical waters of the Irish Sea, which Dale McLaughlin just said, hey, I'm going to bet you one thing, by the way. He was wearing jeans. Like, there's no way this man was not wearing some form of denim on this jet ski, okay? Oh, sure, he was wearing like a wetsuit. He was prepared.

No, he wasn't. He was probably in his work boots and denim. And he was like, ah, let's go. This will be great. So he left from Whithorn in Scotland, which is part of the bottom leftermost dangly part. you know what I'm talking about on the map it is between

Glacarton Eggerness Waphill Barrachan Makrum Bornes Borg and Knock Brex if that gives you a good idea

of where he's launching from if you also have Ockin Malk or Palneur or Baltersan in mind it's a little south of there and where he's going looks to be Ramsey which of course as everyone knows is

is in between Dream Scary, Carol Marr, and Smeal. You know, I'm familiar with that journey. The Ahl to Smil run is, you know, that's a good 40 minutes on a jet ski. So he gets to the Isle of Man, and according to the story, he then walks, let's see, bought a vehicle, drove 25 miles. no no no no no he gets to ramsie in the isle of man then he walks 15 miles to his girlfriend's house in douglas so he's just marching across the is aisle of man after four hours of sailing buys the jet ski and then just leaves it fuck all on the beach just sure in the name of love are they going to know what it is where do you get a jet ski that far north is this a thing i mean i continue to be hang on Tesco I mean as much as these people drink I'm pretty sure that

you can just pick up a jet ski you just like hand in your scooter exchange it for a jet ski like as much drinking happens here recreational vehicles I googled Scottish jet ski dealers and it gave me something called Dawson Boat Center in Alabama I didn't mean

Scottish jet ski dealers near me See? I think the idea, by the way, is this. If there's somebody named Dale in your country. Sterling's Marine. He can summon a jet ski. Oh, man. Even the pictures on the, okay, even the pictures on the Scottish jet ski website are not of Scotland.

That ain't Glasgow. That's like Muscle Shoals. Okay, look at this photo. Where do you think that is? That's late Martin. Yeah, it looks suspiciously Georgian. Um, I think by the way, it's kind of like sword in the stone. There's one jet ski and only one man.

Only the worthy Scotsman may ride it. Well, this is literally the story of the Highlander. Yeah. Right? Instead of the Highlander, this is the Lowlander. So Dale McLaughlin walked 15 miles after he just decided to, I guess, leave his jet ski to nature or he carried it. Dale McLaughlin, this guy's the no-lander.

This is the most literal get-you-a-man-who that I have ever heard of. Ladies, if he won't do this for you, kick his ass back to the aisle. He walked 15 miles. Okay, they don't have Uber. It's five hours. Like at one point, like at some point this stops being a gesture and takes on an air of psychosis. Four and a half hours on the jet ski, which... Which is speaking of which, you notice what's missing from this.

story, the girlfriend's reaction. Oh, yeah, I think that's, I think that is the story. So, I mean, so he, according to the BBC story, um, he meets a cop, gives him her address, right? Uh, goes to her house and I guess she's fine with it because they go out to go for a night of night clubbing, which is apparently that's happening in parts of the world. Uh, and that's how the cops catch him as, as an ID check. where it's, I guess, revealed that he's not actually from the Isle of Man. Yeah, he's not from the Isle of Man.

The cops catch him there. By the way, Isle of Man, population of 85,000. They've only had four active, they only have four active cases. They haven't had a locally transmitted case for six months. Wow. Thanks, Dale. Thanks, things are great there. So it looks like when he's going from Whithorn to Ramsey, he is going across shipping lanes.

That might have been a big, a delayer there because like looking from Belfast shipping you know if you're going Belfast to Liverpool shipping that he's going right across there so when they're shipping like potatoes

the potato booze exchange that both sides just get the booze out of it somehow he's going right through the middle of that yeah I don't want to dodge freighters in the Irish sea in my first time on a jet ski Ryan

as resident Florida man and I think the highest ranking Floridian we have here. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Spencer, so do you see how he did that? Spencer just absolved himself of Florida mandum. Yes, yes. No, he's of a higher rank.

Is this my inheritance from you? Is that what's happening here? Yes. I'm dead. Ryan Spencer's giving you a dark passenger for Christmas. Neil and Arise, Florida man. But you being native, i assume that you have been on a jet ski since you were very young oh are you back to claiming

tennessee interesting yeah i probably i probably was on a jet ski i don't know let's say seven or eight years old okay what's the longest you've been on a jet ski not very like in part because like half the reason to ride a jet ski is to fall off a jet ski it's a boat you can bail on like that's the appeal is like you can't just jump off a boat like you can it's discouraged but a jet ski is made for be like hey you get on the back and I'll power slide it and throw you off and that's fun because we're in the water and there's alligators and water moccasins here and public school's not very good um so yeah it may be like maybe like an hour maybe like 40 minutes taking turns right now that's a very long time on a jet ski yeah i don't think i've

ever been on one for longer than like 20 minutes yeah this dude was on it for four and a half hours four and a half hours on a jet ski in cold water and here's the kicker that's why he walked 15 miles he's got to get the blood recirculating in his body it's just sludge at that point God, that's so horny. That is the horniest thing in the world. But after like four hours of having a jet ski vibrate on your narts, like, what condition is he even going to be in? There is a town in the Isle of Man called the Crunk.

Oh, thank God. It is at, you can get there by taking either Jerby Road or Crunk Road. It's a C-R-O-N-K. It is the V-R-E. The cronk, exactly. Oh, my God, there's a poor town. Oh, this really is England or Alabama. My only real regret about the story is that he wasn't writing one of those, like, early 90s, the kind that you had to stand up on.

You know the jet skis I'm talking about? Oh, like the segways of the sea? Yes, yes, yes. Like, imagine having to do that shit for four hours. Imagine having to stand and stand. and steer a fucking 1992 sea dew

in the middle of Irish sea fuck like oh god man my iPhone's about to die Spotify I can't do this on Spotify I really want to talk

to whoever sold him the jet ski yes this is the action there's so much of this story that's missing because you know you know dude was like

so uh how far do you could you get on a tank and they're like well i don't i don't know they're not really used for distance travel i don't know that's a weird question to ask he's like yeah but you could probably i don't know like if i wanted to say get from here to here could i do that he's like yeah just buy the jet ski the economy's terrible i also have a proposition a theory about the purchase of this jet ski paying this thing off or fulfilling the terms of financing none it's probably like yeah no put like you know put 10 quid down that's it this thing ain't coming back no that sets up the other

here go ahead do you just think you just like found it is that possible maybe he built it yeah best of luck to the scottish repo man which jesus it runs on potted meat i think so is the isle of man like fuck you we got a navy now the uh the aisle the other thing that i am most entertained by because he's got to do uh four weeks in jail which that's harsh man it's pretty bad i'm sorry that's for unlawful entry doing i'm not thinking that the jail and is anything but like some guy's house like a proper jail it might be a Seawall dungeon. It could be that, though.

Jared Kushner is going to do no time in jail. And this jet ski hero. Exactly. Oh, man. It's going to do four weeks in what we've decided to see there's some guy's house

or sea dungeon. It's a break. Yeah, that's right. He's going to be in there with the man in the iron mat. They're going to throw him in the cronk is where they're going to throw him. They're going to bury him

underneath the cronk. Y'all, I got it. The cask of Montiadu. So the scene I want to set up for you as a closer here is this, that not only is Dale McLaughlin obviously a hero for doing the world's stupidest and horniest sea voyage, amphibious operation, but that after he gets out of jail, one, will his girlfriend be there? no she'll be in Scotland

and he'll have to go he'll have to sail to her this would be an amazing way to find out that your girl was cheating I'm sorry he lives on the crook but he has to leave will he just get back

on the jet ski and go to Scotland will he just climb back on his jet ski sadly and sail back he's going to do this like okay i'm leaving i'm gone for good and he goes out about like 10 miles and then ha ha ha back around he comes he just looks over his shoulder so he's like all right they fell for it skirt or does he just keep going to ireland like arrest me i'll find love on the emerald

aisle you know what he does he just does one lap around the aisle of man oh wait live see or do I this guy's a dad what what I found I mean now yeah I mean the Scottish son has at the end they interviewed his fucking mom and his mom's like he was supposed to be doing some work but now he can't do that I didn't even know about the jet ski and he'll be missing his kids over Christmas oh oh Dale. Dale, man. I didn't even do the holiday math on that one. I think we've all had some Southern Dad stories, okay?

There's some pretty dark and pretty humorous stories floating back there. However, the archives do not contain anything as dire as. Remember when Dad missed Christmas in a prison on the Isle of Man? Why is Daddy not here? Well, he had to get some over-the-pants action at an Isle of Man nightclub. via jet ski. He took a jet ski to the Alabama. I'm sorry.

Here's your PlayStation 5. Is this the first Alabama and England? This is the first Alabama and England. Yeah, he's got dual citizenship now. England gets no credit for this. Alabama versus England has leveled up because Scotland is here. Get England the fuck out of here. It's our game now.

That's amazing I hope he just goes back to Scotland and they arrest him again Like Oh you again In all you It's Dale If this was your dad

You could never get in trouble again What on earth could you do that your dad To be like now that's no phone for Your ground Are you kidding me dad Dad you bought a jet ski Having never written one before And we still don't know that it was purchased

Okay dad you put a jet ski on a credit card and then immediately claimed it was fraudulent. Dad, yes, dad, you summoned a jet ski through the Stargate and drove it across, like, you can't get in trouble with that dad anymore. You little bastard, you're grounded and you're like, oh, for four weeks? I would steal, I would steal his money in front of him. I would take money from him and drink as a non-girl. Well, the main paining eye contact.

That's right. And say, do something. why don't you jet ski about it you bitch you have you have problems either way because not only can you not ground the kid kids if you god especially if you have more than one the odds of getting one of these increases you have one kid who's sitting there thinking challenge accepted old man he's a father of two yeah they're gonna they're gonna because one of those two was going to look back and go, oh, you think it's bad? Violation of maritime law?

Huh? Is that what it is? Didn't think so. International incident? I have not seen an interview with the mother of his children. I guarantee. Is it not the girlfriend? No, I don't think so.

I don't think so. To be clear, I haven't actually read this story. Spencer insisted on reading it to me while I sat still like a bedtime story. This was a fantastic way to take in this information because, at no time did i first see jet ski entering the plot uh but yeah i'm i'm kind of coming into this one cold cold like the irish sea the mother of his children when she heard this had to be like had to be like not shocked in the least not shocked in the fucking least i guarantee it went like this local man drives jet ski to isle of man and she's like dale

Fucking Dale. Oh, it's fucking Dale. I see her roommate just like tossing the paper at her. It's like, Dale's in the dues again. Dale's got a big square head. Well, you said you wanted Dale to show some initiative. Hey, it's called the Isle of Man because that's where Archie's family came from. That's what's with all the foreheads.

I really hope he breaks out of jail. I hope that's... I hope he breaks out of jail. About this helicopter. Have you ever flown it? No. And then goes the wrong way and goes to Ireland and gets arrested again. Jail and Dale rhyme in my opinion.

Can we do anything with that? We'll workshop it. All right. Yeah, Steele's the only helicopter in the country, takes a wrong turn, lands it in Ireland, gets arrested again. Well, Dad's down for another four weeks, at least. Anyway, congrats the new Auburn head coach, Dale McLaughlin. you know i bet what would have kept dale warm in his four and a half hour journey that should have been 40 minutes across the irish sea on an open watercraft the love of a good woman evidently not

that was the plan that was the plan but really he could have just saved all of this trouble and instead ordered some comfortable quality and stylish apparel from home field Spencer, I'm not disputing the cuddliness and snuggletude of home field apparel's clothes, mostly made for the upper body, but are you suggesting that our readers not jet ski across the Irish sea? I'm going to go ahead and say this. I don't think most of you should try to jet ski across the Irish sea. I don't listen to Spencer. You never listened to him before.

Don't listen to him now. I like that he hedged. I like that he wouldn't say, don't do this dumb thing. You said most of you shouldn't. No, I'm thinking of a couple of the chosen ones. I'm thinking of a couple of listeners who can pull this off. I, who believe in your dreams, encourage you to do this while swaddled

in Homefield Apparel's finest line of winter ready hoodies. Holly, what hoodie would you wear to jet ski across to the Isle of Man? Oh, Hawaii Rainbow's, duh, and I would pack my alternate Hawaii Rainbow's hoodie to wear dry upon my arrival. Right.

I will do it as soon as Homefield gets to Notre Dame license. See, I have. I think Tulane would be a good one. Be like, look, can't stop this wave. Oh, yeah, I got a green wave for you right here, man. It's me, because I'm very sick, because I've never been on a jet ski before. Yeah, that's the other thing, is you have to pick the school where you go, who would do this having never been on a jet ski before? SMU.

They've had Louisville for a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Papa John would try to circumnavigate the globe on a jet ski if you let him. Papa John's not a flat earther. I mean, that's why he makes pizzas. Wow.

Anyway, use offer code full cast. You get 20% off your verse purchase at homefield apparel.com. They're coming out with new stuff all the time. They just had a little battle of sorts between Auburn and Mississippi State. I don't actually know who won that because everything Auburn, we've talked about since then, has had little to do with the comfortable stylings of homefield apparel. but yeah go get a sweatshirt go get a nice shirt to put under it

jet skier way to true love and you know there's no law on the ocean so there's no crime I'm going to do it in the Memphis State University shirt ooh that's a good one I'd like to update my choice because also I want to point out for listeners

at home we know Florida State is on home field apparel's list but all births in Tallahassee are actually conducted on jet skis so technically every Florida state fan has already been on a jet ski from the moment they draw breath on this earth when you when you if you are giving birth in tallahassee and you said like to have a water berth they just pull the the trailer right up and they're like all right let's go pop that pop that life jacket on i would actually like to revise my

answer about first time jet ski riders to hofstra huh okay you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna Based on everything I know from the television program, billions. I really want to know that I'm going to go ahead and make it all the way across, so I'm just going to go ahead and take Third Coast finest Southern Miss. Southern Miss, to the top of the Isle of Man, which is the nightclub. The top of the sea is where you want to be. The bottom is the bad. That means you did a bad job.

Yeah, but down there is you're going to run into the guy who made Titanic and Avatar. Actually, there is a Southern Mississippi crewneck available from Homefield Apparel that just says, to the top on it. Do you think James Cameron ratted this dude out? Probably. He got mad because someone else did a better job of conquering the sea. Hey, somebody's doing cool ocean stuff. That's my thing.

He's doing it on like no budget. You spent like $100 million to go dive down to the bottom of the ocean and your own personal submarine. Dale's out here doing it for like 500 quid. I pitched at Grantland one time, me going in a submersible with James Cameron and getting high anyway

it's hard to believe that website doesn't exist anymore I hope James Cameron is like the guardian of the ocean and if you want to pass he's like yarr if ye seek passage on these seas name one line from Avatar and nobody's done it Goblin lock

A character from Avatar Uh Joe Joe Jervicious that's right John. Nope. Sigourney Jarhead.

Bad guy. Bad guy who is also in Jurassic Park. Sure. Yep. Dave blue sex alien. Is Bill Paxton and Avatar? He could be.

How would we know if he wasn't? He's the titular Avatar. Hi, I'm Dave Avatar. Hi, I'm Bill Paxton. Have sex with my hair. Me when I'm watching Avatar. And Avatar walks in. So if you're going to make a journey across the island sea,

you're going to need more than just warmth and a flotation device. You're going to need some funds for when you arrive in the Isle of Man and you do what anyone does once they arrive in a new island. Clubbing. That's the first you establish a beachhead and then you go clubbing. You're going to need money, so you need to set that up in advance. You need to go to acorns.com slash fullcast, the country's leading, saving, and investing app.

It's so easy. Dale McLaughlin, he could handle it. I mean, that's an understatement. I mean, can handle anything. But the time for the regular check-in. Listeners know we were up to $61.69. Sorry, we have Zoom passed the nice number. We're up to $61.97.

The market is kicking ass this week. Not just my own personal contributions, my regular recurring donations to my future self and also roundups from specific purchases but also just stock market magic baby Wall Street me and they also have like long term saving stuff and stuff for kids so acorns.com slash fullcast

whether you are planning your jet ski journey tomorrow or further down the road so to speak that's you know what Dale could have it's so easy to use i bet dale could have opened it on his phone cross that that's probably it took him so long he's like he puts in he puts in a hundred dollars right and you know investing as we know it's magic but magic takes time and he wanted to wait until it got to like 101 there is a um a 1996 used jet ski uh on ebay

It has zero bids, and they're still almost three days left. But right now, the starting bid is $1.99. See? So. Why wait? Spring it down, boys. Every day without a jet ski is a day without a jet ski. Damn, that's so true.

See? I know that tonight the playoff rankings came out, And I think most of the time it's fun to ignore these unless we really absolutely have to address them because generally we think that they're just going to do what they want anyway. But then sometimes they actually do what they want anyway, and it's so much more galling than you really anticipated. It's one thing to say, I know the thing is going to happen, and I am prepared for the thing. But sometimes the thing happens. You are anything but prepared for the reality of it. Even though you knew it was going to happen, it ends up being so much more worse, irritating, or ludicrous than you possibly imagine.

Can I step in with some slight disagreement here? Well, why sure? I think the playoff committee is like nailing it. I look at their top 25, all the way down, I just go, yes, yes, makes sense, perfect. One of our shots. like I think that they look I think the playoff committee is doing everything exactly right I think coastal Carolina belongs at 12th at 11 and now I think Northwestern belongs at 14 and 6 and 1 I think all of it like all of it is right and I think the only thing that um the only thing

if I had a complaint about the playoff committee at this point it would be that they're they're too smart when Gary Barta goes and explains what they're doing it's just like whoa slow down yeah Gary smarter this is a lot and on an unrelated note if the playoff committee is looking for like a new member and they're looking for somebody I don't know from the media but not like from the media media like I would love I would love to do it guys so just reach out would happy to be a part would happy to be part of this brain trust that again is just like fucking crushing i would love to say yeah let's put texas at 20 right so this this is a this is a big goal all right um and i think there's like an entrance exam you have to pass first okay so let's say this

all right uh a power conference team has lost to a non-power team all right the team to which it lost was beaten by an undefeated non-power team all right right so which team ran ranks higher, the team that beat the non-power or the team that lost to the non-power? The Power 5 team. Oh, absolutely. Genius. All right, you're in. You're good.

And for bonus, for bonus, for bonus. Yeah, yeah, sure. Is this like, this is like one or two spots, right? Just like one or two spots difference. I think, I think you probably got to do like, I don't know, like five, six spots. Oh, my, this man is in. He's in. He's in.

He's got it. The thing people don't realize is that. If you're a power five team, that's a burden you have to carry all season long. If you're a group of five team, you don't have to worry. Like, there are no expectations. There's no, like, name a group of five team that has to worry about competing for an SEC title or a big 12 title or an ACC. You can't do it. Tulane.

That one time? Now. That has to do it now. Many decades ago. Right. Sure. But, like, yeah, I just, I love what they're doing. And I think it makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, I like what you're saying. Like, you know, for Iowa State, they have to carry the power and the pride and the prestige of the big 12 conference, all the championships that the big 12 is won, all the, you know, everyone, you see that Big 12 logo and your mind just reels, like thinking of all the great memories of incredible Big 12 teams from the last, you know, 10 years and that Iowa State has to bear the burden of being one of them. And that is a lot to ask. That's right. And they get it, the big 12 gets in the playoff. And you say like, well, which teams? And it's like, don't ask. That's not the right question.

The Big 12 gets in the playoff. The Ottoman Empire is an important part of this alliance. Absolutely. Like, why should Cincinnati get in the playoff when it never has before? Look, the Big 12 had it. We all agree. The Big 12 thought about taking Cincinnati and said no, right? So we, if we, if we the playoff committee,

And yeah, I'm like putting myself on it now. It's a little bold, but whatever. If we said Cincinnati should be ahead of Iowa State, we would be like saying the Big 12 is wrong. And I'm not willing to do that. Who are we to judge the Big 12th? I mean, like the Big 12's ideas are great. They're always great.

They've always been really smart and dependable and good at making the right calls. And like, you know, when it comes to conference membership, the Big 12's ideas are great. And if Cincinnati was that good, they would have added them. That's why I've got Texas A&M at five with the committee because, like, they basically have a Big 12 degree. Yeah, I mean, they were so smart.

They're smarter than the Big 12. Sure. Yeah. So that is why Cincinnati cannot rank ahead the Big 12 and the Big 12 cannot rank ahead of A&M. Right, right. Are we legit concerned that members of the committee believe that and actually think A&M is still in the Big 12? I mean, isn't R.C. Slocum still?

there, R.C. Slick, I'm still there, I think. That's a 50-50 shot in my eyes, that there are some of them who are like, I don't know, they're 7 and 1 of the Big 12. They probably are setting it up like 5 and 6, like an exciting Big 12 championship. That could

be a playing game. That's right. I'm not unsuade by that ludicrous yet increasingly credible argument that they might be doing that. Yeah. I mean, so this year, the way it sets up is, I mean, we know the playoff for.

There's no reason to watch the SEC title game, or the Big Ten title game, because Northwestern's in it. Never watch the Northwestern game. ASE title game, both those teams are making it. We know the playoff. A&M is there, like, what scenario is it where A&M makes? I've said this many times. It's still baffling to me. But the way they've set it up, Cincinnati has just no remote shot.

A win over Tulsa might jump. over Georgia, I guess, if that. And meanwhile... Probably wouldn't. Probably wouldn't. No, like, I'm not kidding. I'm probably... I mean, like, I'm kind of just hoping it would, you know?

And yeah, the really sad part is Coastal at 12, which once you factor in the UNC is probably the Orange Bowl team, Coastal is effectively 13th, because UNC is getting a top six bowl game regardless of where it ranks. So Coastal has to climb up a spot. And if Oklahoma beats Iowa State, Iowa State's going to fall a bit, Coastal's going to stay at 12. Coastal's going to be the odd team out of the New Year 6.

How sad is that? Let me give you Gary Barta, committee member and Iowa athletic directors, quote, about why Iowa State, somebody asked, Gary, what about Iowa State's resume is better than Coastal Carolina? Gary Barta. Well, the body of work has

it pertains as they did lose two games, but they also beat number 10, Oklahoma, and they beat number 20, Texas. When you watch their games, their defense has gotten better and better every week, and they have the leading rusher in the country. I didn't check that this week because they were idle, but they have one of the best runners for sure in Brees Hall. I love that.

Leading runner, so let's see which stat they're using. We're using total yards. Just raw total yards. Yeah, they're just raw total yards. Yes. Raw total yards. That's not. yards per game.

That would be Jared Patterson. It's not yards per carry. Brees Hall is number five in yards per game. Yeah, we're just using big, dumb, total yards. It's not even touchdowns. Can't believe the team that brought you game control. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Here we go. Then look at Coastal Carolina, says Barta again. They're undefeated, and they're having a terrific year. They have two wins against top 20 teams. Okay. Okay. That's exactly what he just said about Iowa State. That's exactly what this motherfucker just said about Iowa State.

Noted liberal Spencer Hall calls Gary Barta a motherfucker. BYU, I said last week, that BYU game was one of the most exciting football games of the season. Yes! They played a game this past week against an under 500 Troy team, and it took them until the last 30. They were behind, and I'm sure you watched the game. They were behind with 35 seconds left and Grayson McCall made a great play and threw a touchdown pass

but they struggled against a five and six Troy team. Who did Florida lose to this week? Who did Florida lose to this week? Do you want us to tell you? Meanwhile, speaking of struggle, Iowa State has lost twice, including once by 17 points

to a team that coasts. Carolina defeated it doesn't fucking matter the axe it never happened none of these games happened I can forgive like I get why people are mad I get why people are not I can forgive all of this because the playoff listen the playoff committee is going out here and is pretty flagrantly saying like yes we care about power five teams fuck a group of five team not important whatever at the same time they are putting undefeated pack 12 conference contender USC I love that I love that we see we see we're like oh we're like storm the barricades for Sincere and coastal what about USC I mean

personally I love USC because every single one of the games is fun as hell and very stupid oh no but I'm sorry No, thank you. Jason, I'm sorry, they struggled for most of the game, and they only had to win it at the last second. Well, yeah, I mean, you could say that by every USC game, Gary Barter. Like, like, you, the committee is so clearly, like, we don't care what happens. No way, no way in hell is, is undefeated USC getting in the playoff.

And that's fucking amazing. What if they, what if they beat their, uh, their, The third, fourth best team in their conference that they're finally playing Oregon. I mean, what if they beat him by 100 points? They'll say like, well, you know, they didn't play Washington because of COVID concern. You know, so fortunately, they didn't play Colorado because. And then they'll say, well, you know, USC only played six games this end. The number of games, motherfucker, Ohio State's going to be six and O.

What are you talking about? That's the best Ohio State sitting there at 5 and O. And everyone is going, yeah, look at that. rock steady no problems no doubt complete slate total evidence there USC a power which by the way has as as long and as storied a tradition and as glossy a brand as you can have equal to i say ohio states and probably more appealing if we're just talking about who you just want to snuggle up against historically. Would you rather hang out with USC, a bunch of like sunny people with awesome running backs and like a band that plays the same three cool songs over and over again,

plays in a stadium that was built in like 1908? Or do you want to hang out with Ohio State fans? You'd much rather hang out with USC fans every single time. So Ohio State, they're going to make it at 6.0. Everyone knows it. Looking at their wins, let me take one win away and you tell me if they still make it, all right? okay let's take away um 4927 over Rutgers no do they make it at five and oh yes okay let's take away let's take away so i want to leave the big 10 championship isn't happening well i know that they're already making it at five and oh so like all right all right we're taking that win off the board now we're down to four no okay yes yes i'm going to leave the pin state game

on here because Penn state that's a big name even though Penn state sucks i want to leave Nebraska. This is tricky because Indiana is their only good win. Michigan State. If you take that one off, then there's a problem. The House of Cards falls apart. As always, the Hoosiers are the only team that matters. The championship goes through Indiana. I think we're in. I think 4 and O is the, is the farthest down you can take it. Yes, I agree with that. Yeah, you say that. I love it. I love it, man. We're going to have, we're going to have, so like, how it should go is Ohio State comes in at 6 and 0, Cincinnati comes in at 9 and 0, and we say valiant effort, Cincinnati. you get to rank number five you know if there were five teams you would have made the cut

and we say oh that sucks but at least you know at least they were right there no fuck you since now you're number nine no you're behind georgia you're close like if you look at what is georgia doing there they're going to put oklahoma over you georgia moved up for beating missou missou a ranked win muzoo was ranked for nine minutes muzoo just got here I was like a man crossing, crossing to the aisle. Mazzu was ranked for four and a half hours. Mizzu's the boxer who just is still in the robe, right? And it's still like praying in the corner.

And Georgia just comes over and starts wailing on the back of their head. Man, I just got here. And Gary Bart is like, well, the committee took note of Georgia wailing on the praying boxer's head. Established game control for the entirety of the purse. This is how you know it's bad. Greg McElroy is out on Twitter being like it's it, they've gone too far. Their love for the power conference is out of the radicalized Greg McElroy. When Greg McElroy is on the barricade with you, it's over.

Welcome to the resistance. Greg McElroy. When Comrade McElroy has enlisted in the party, it's done, y'all. I'm handing Greg McElroy the chili spaghetti bazooka to defend the bear cats. Liberty, egalite, spaghetti, spaghetti. One more awesome thing about this whole setup. Okay, so here we go. We got five and no.

You have an entire conference in their network out there, openly stumping for Ohio State, a unified front of, you know, big, 10 alive pundits, people who genuinely believe this stuff, fans, and other people who go, yeah, obviously this team's good enough and you should do it. And you're going to hear that on the Big Ten network. You're going to hear that from, you know, various people across media. You're going to see a lot of open lobbying for all of this, right? The SEC, the minute that there aren't two teams in the top four, I guarantee you, right? A&M. I don't know. They probably should have been in y'all. So you're saying late in the SEC title game, Bama's up by,

38 or whatever and um crank it up uncle uncle gary pulls up his annual spreadsheet you know you know the aggies they pay that head coach a lot of money and i i think it's all well spent y'all y'all know what's going to happen though right oh oh i doubtedly like the more you're like what the fuck are the more the their powers grow i mean that's fine that's fine whoever beats this Bama team let's just call the season right then and there I hope Justin Fields sends Georgia a playoff share at that point

If Justin Fields gets the Lamar Jackson Turbo poops in the middle of the third quarter And they got to put in their second stringer Guess what? He's going full card hail That second stringer's going to throw for like 300 yards and a half Justin Fields sends Kirby the Duffel bag with the PS5 in it Yeah

Hey curbs Thought you could use something this off season Hey, broke boy. That Spider-Man games, nice. You should check it out. That's, like, all of that, like, you'll hear people doing all of this, okay? For almost every conference, USC can finish 6'0, right? And you know, do you know what official apparatus is going to be speaking and advocating for them?

No one, no one. What is the back 12 doing? Like, Larry Scott, Larry Scott has a VR helmet on and has for the last three months. Playing vacation simulator. Oh, this is cool. We're going to sell tennis channels to China. Like nothing. The Pac-12 has nobody advocating for it.

USA could have had three top 20 wins and nobody's going to ride to them. Dude, it's because Clay Helton does not want you to remember he exists. Like, Clay Helton is like, listen, I only pop up on hot seat lists. Do not advocate for us by any means. Just be cool. According to the wiki, Doug Gottlieb is a Pact 12 network personality, so there you go.

Oh, God. Now, one of the other really funny things about this ranking is, so it was in the list of things we didn't have time for in the last show, UNC absolutely steamrolled Miami. As a result, Miami dropped

eight spots from 10 to 18. UNC they only hopped up there two spots because the committee's like oh yeah Miami sucks you don't care

we fucking destroyed them yeah well I mean that makes sense because you'd have to jump them over a one lost Northwestern or this whole undefeated USC at 13 thing we have going on I think

I think USC should accept deal where if the game is at all all tight in the last two minutes they can opt in they can opt in no u s u s you should play coastal and then we'll all laugh when coastal leaves the fuck out of us i love it so like the first 12 spots of this rankings are the dumbest thing they've ever done the angriest i've ever been at them um you know even before even when we were stumping for ucf and then ucf fans got awful so we said fuck ucf like even that whole stuff the top 12 of these rankings are just awful once you add at number 13

This is a work of comedy. Once you see, oh, the two teams being snubbed are undefeated Coastal Carolina and undefeated USC. So here's what I, here's my question. What in the extremely unlikely scenario that Northwestern beats Ohio State and is seven and one and has won the big 10 and just beat the number 14 in the nation? They're 14 right now. They are a spot behind undefeated. What do they do? Throw them in.

it's a big jump but throw them in it's so I think if I recall a team has jumped eight nine 10 spots before I think it was Penn State one year and that's the crazy thing to happen in December but this is also like mid-season for Northwestern because they've only played seven games I mean I if sure if they be Ohio State throw them in I mean I would put in Cincinnati but I don't have a big a big committee brain like Like, Ryan, like you and the rest of the committee. Yeah. I'll never understand the labyrinth and complex logic that only a committee member could possibly craft.

Here's what we'll have to do. We'll put Northwestern in over the ACC title game loser and be like, well, you know, you went to Northwestern to get your new ACC commissioner. So you already have kind of said Northwestern's better than you to begin with. I love it. So we got, what, like, Bama, Clemson, Northwestern, USC. Can I just say that this is all led me to my favorite. Georgia moves up. Georgia moves up to five and then bitch is about being left out.

This is all leading to something that I get to say now, which is that I just appreciate that we've determined that USC is the coastal Carolina of Los Angeles. Correct. What a magnificent concept. This weekend is just for a lot of reasons. including the discussion we just had. This weekend feels like

the end of the world. It just feels like these all feel like games that are being played with escape pods shooting out of the stadium, just people paling on the season, just like, get it over with. Just get all of this over with. If

it's not a championship game, then every other single thing feels completely random. Like, hey, Boise State and San Jose State are playing in the Mountain West Championship game. Okay. By the way, San Jose State, I want you to go to the official college football playoff website. Go look at the top 25 and go look at the slot where the logo for San Jose State should be.

Do you know what it says? It says San Jose State logo. We never thought they have to upload this. These are the people in charge of the sport. They couldn't like download a JPEG or a PNG and just paste it. Gary Barta had to do the uploading himself. He's got code in there that's just his pizza order. It's just a Chromebook.

It doesn't have that much storage. Look off. Well, the committee watched all the logos and was unable to see that one. So the logos that are on the page are the logos that are on the page. We believe that logo was a cheap knockoff of Michigan State. So Michigan State moves up to number 24. Yeah. The logic is sound.

Yeah, like, man, do you know who's still playing this weekend? Why? Floor State, Wank, Forrest. Just cancel it. Yeah. I mean, there's a good amount of why. There, yeah, outside of the conference title games, Nebraska Rutgers. What are you doing?

You are really, you are really going to have to reach to find a more Y game for me than Illinois at Penn State. How about this? Wazoo at 1030 a.m. local going to Utah. yeah that's pretty yeah like both of them have clearly tried to bail on this season with good reason and they're forced to got there's a tennessee game why does ten what could texas an possibly do against tennessee to help their case in any way shape or form lose the the the spread is 14 so a and m you got to beat tennessee by three touchdowns to really impress anybody Why are we doing this?

They have nothing to play for. Nothing. This game is only bad for Texas A&M. I do like Air Force Army coming after Army Navy because like this is secretly low-key. The team Army hates more than Navy. And this is the de facto commander chief. This is going to be the CIC game.

But yeah, yeah. Like Army Navy, they're like, I, you know, I'm almost. certain in the end of that game they're like fuck you but please go beat our air force please go beat those fucking stand air force please go beat those dorks uh let's see if we can keep that one under three hours let's see if we can keep it under 300 yards total offense between both teams 350 around there um Louisiana is playing coastal carolina in the sunbelt conference championship game if you want to know what i actually think is the one super garrarer

guaranteed game of quality this week, it would be the reliable Coastal Carolina Chanticleer's versus the Raging Cajuns. Raging Cajuns are good. We've talked a lot about coastal, but the Cajuns are roughly just as good as Iowa State would attest. Yeah, Billy and Ape here's a front runner for that Auburn job, and there's a reason. So you think that has more guarantees and more stability and more expectability to it than Ole Miss LSU? if you like i know i know three or four things that will definitely happen in old miss lSU i can't tell you what order they'll happen in or what the effect will be like matt corral will probably pass for

five hundred yards will that mean anything for old miss i don't know i know that he'll probably throw for like four or five ts does that mean that he won't throw five or six interceptions no no That can happen too. You know, I know that LSU, LSU is going to have one or two spectacular plays. I know that, you know, somebody's going to get loose. I know they're going to blow coverages. Will that mean anything in terms of an actual victory or a loss? No, I have no clue.

I think this has my favorite spread of any game all year, because depending on where you look, you can find either team favored. And that is perfect. Why is Missouri playing Mississippi State? Just get rid of it. Because the Nizzu's got to get back in the rankings. They got to get back to 25. They got to boost the dogs.

Got to help Georgia out so we can get a three SEC team play out. Yeah, they got to get Georgia up to seven. I got to beat a dog to boost a dog. That's what I got to do this week. That's right. You know, why is Stanford playing UCLA? It's the Pac-12. It doesn't matter.

You can cancel. I mean, Stanford's already said they're out. This is it. So, like, technically Stanford's going to the Rose Bowl. Like, Stanford's Interseason's Rose Bowl. Right? That's the goal. That's true.

I don't know. Hey, put it back on the schedule, y'all. Sorry about that. This is also, by the way, do you think if they didn't play this game, like nobody at the Pack 12 offices would notice, right? Nobody. Because they don't go to work on the weekends.

I mean, I doubt they'll notice that they are playing it. Yeah. Like, yeah, Larry Scott's like, oh, that's on a Saturday. What's going on then? I have golf. Yeah. The Back 12 Network is running, yeah,

is running golf highlights yeah I don't I don't know why I don't know why any of the shit's happening this is this is already the diet version because like we've had what

six games canceled seven games one two three four five six seven like eight we could have had Arizona Cal oh god we could have had Michigan Iowa

Oh, right. The other thing we forgot, there was supposed to be a bowl game this weekend, and it's fucking canceled, too. No, not the tropical smoothie bowl. You know they already filled the Gatorade jug with smoothie, too. Now they've just got to pour it out. It's going to wait. It's going to wait. It'll keep. They've just got some sad guy who's like, I'm going to pour it over myself just to feel alive. You're a winner, Randy. You all out a jet ski one day?