Shutdown Fullcast - The Jelly Roll Federalist Papers

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Practicing Minions preparednessWhich Fullcast hosts are actively evil? DiscussWhich Hand In The Dirt host would you want to ride out the Purge with?Spencer takes a musical journeyTailgate at the Jack Reacher trial, save the dateMorally cleansing ollies at Augusta NationalThe Shutdown Fullcast is on Patreon. This is how we pay our producers, and occasionally ourselves. If you'd like to help with that, give us $4 a month (or a larger, funnier number of your choosing) and we'll give you bonus episodes. As of this recording we have delivered 27 (twenty-seven) bonus episodes since launching in August. We think this is a pretty good deal (for you)Now through March 31, 100% of proceeds from all PTKU merch sales will be donated to TransVisible Montana. Visit preownedairboats.com to purchase BRAND-NEW BLUE SHARKS GEAR #EXCLUSIVEShutdown Fullcast is produced by Michael Ray SurberFullcast theme variant arranged and performed by Becca LynchDID YOU KNOW: Spencer and Holly write Channel 6, a year-round newsletter that is mostly about football, until it’s notBefore the world ends (again), treat yourself to Jason’s critically praised novel and other workTravel in your mind palace to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Steven Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz

I wanted to start with a hypothetical here from my niece. My niece is a really gifted, unique child. Which niece, age-wise? She's about 12 now. Okay. But you can tell that she's my relative because she has questions like this. She came downstairs to my mother, her grandmother, in the morning, and grandma's doing, you know, morning stuff and got the, you know, got the bacon and the biscuits going.

She walks down in her pajamas, looks around, and goes, Mimi, what would you do right now if this room was filled with minions? The little yellow ones. The little yellow ones. Mr. Beast presents the ultimate Mimi challenge. I just picture it. You said that, and I'm sure she didn't say it in a menacing tone, but I just pictured like iron gates rattling into place over every door and window.

As soon as those words left. And then for some reason, the air conditioning starts spitting minions out of the house. And you just hear a distant noise of, it's getting closer. Do you think she meant, do you think she meant this room has a lot of minions milling around it? Or the room is filling with minions. Like ball pit style. Right. Or hourglass style.

You're running out of air. I kind of had it like Spencer call her school I will I'll call it I'll call it I'm like oh my god this is the weirdest saw trick ever

No I think In my mind What she envisioned was A humorous But almost overwhelming amount of minions Sure Okay So too many

What if minions but too much? You're able to like walk around But you're stepping carefully Yeah, and they're starting to do things like, you know, they're doing minion stuff. Like most of them are paying attention to you being like, hey, what do we do, boss? But some of them are like fighting and some of them are like, banana, banana, you know, looking around. Yeah, like, it's getting cartoonish in there, like a little too cartoonish. What did she say?

What was her response? It took her a couple of minutes to unpack that that had just happened. Because she just didn't think that was necessarily the first thing that somebody would ask you at like seven in the morning. She said that she would put them to work. That was her answer. Time to lean, time to clean, yeah. Well, yeah, minions crave an assignment. They do.

Is that right? What if they already have a boss, though? Like, aren't the, I don't remember the specific details of minions' lore, but are they not sworn to like one boss? Yeah, I'm not super minions literate myself. What are you suggest? So can you have minion Ronan? who have failed their boss and are now wandering the earth in search of... Well, I suppose there are many...

Maybe they're looking for a boss. Maybe these are minions that never had one. But in my mind, they're called minions, which seems to imply they do have a boss, right? So it might be you. I don't... Do they sort of just latch on to a boss, you know? Like, or is there a process whereby you accept them as your minions? or I see that was my first thought and nobody else went this direction which struck me as odd

because if I am assigned a bunch of minions correct does that mean that correct I'm a bad guy does that mean that I'm the villain because minions don't work for the good guys minions work for cartoon villains so good guys good guys they work for good guys they're agents okay yeah I'm assuming I don't know right I don't know if this specific species of being is capable of working for a good guy. I don't, I mean, they're called minions. And I think that has a negative connotation. But that might just be a stereotype placed upon them by like, whatever the little green people are from Toy Story.

Those are probably their counterparts. We're kind of wandering into Calvinism now, aren't we? Yeah. There's some predestination happening here. Like, are they defined by their associations or, um, is there existence in inherently evil. It's getting a little ontological. Like, I don't know if they, if, like, are they evil or do they just do what evil things tell them to do?

Do they have the level of agency to question what they're told to do? Now they're minions, man. They're just going to do it. Kevin's going to do what Kevin is told to do. It does what it says on the tin. Yeah. So, therefore, if you have them doing household chores, are those household chores evil or not?

Wow. I say as a person... Spencer, what's your mom like? Does it? How evil is your mom? Zero being not at all evil, 10 being very evil. Real low. Like, I've seen her tell somebody to fuck off in a parking lot.

Like, it's about a one or two. It's pretty low. So zero to ten, she's at least a one, you're saying. How evil am I? You? Yeah, I want to have a base. I want to have a... You're an attorney, so it's a minimum of three.

Right? I want... No, don't give me, you know me. We've worked together for a long time. Thank you. Holly's no, no, no. I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you about a 3.5. So average it out.

So wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, Spencer doesn't realize your potential. Mostly I'm worried for his mother. If I'm a 3.5 and his mother's maybe a two, she's pretty close to evil. No, no, no, we're reading the scale incorrectly. I'm going zero to 10, 10 max evil. Five, okay. Five is slightly evil.

Five is slightly, slightly, slightly. Who do you know that's a five? On the evil scale? Yeah. Who? Zero is like perfect, perfect angel sweetheart, right? Sure. Newborn baby.

So five is normal. Not all newborn babies. Five is, Ryan, remember Calvinism. Five is perfectly normal. Okay. Right? Yeah. Who do I know who's actively evil?

I'm trying to think of people who you're like, wow, I'd really want them on my team just so they wouldn't be on the other team. Right? I don't think you're evil, Holly. I don't think you're evil. I hate to really bust it. Never supported me.

Yeah, I know. Who do I know that's just like genuinely evil? Bud. Bud's evil. And Bud. Bud's evil. And I say that with love.

And I say that without judgment. Bud's evil, but in like a crafty way. Our attorney. So are we talking here about anti-hero? Heroes. Yeah, sure. Bud's got a little like if Venom, if Venom went to law school. But breaking bud.

Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. I'm trying to think of other people I've worked. It's usually work, right? Sure. Yeah. But yeah, I would give, I think Bud is, but shades a little evil.

Yeah. But is like, if we're, if we're putting this on the, if we're putting this on the alignment chart, though, like, but is lawful evil. Yeah. Yeah, because he'll cut a deal, right? I think that's right. Or like perfect neutral. It's hard for me to apply the word lawful to anyone who's lived in Florida that long. That long.

With that sort of like parenthetical, I agree with it. But that in itself, doesn't that suggest, that suggests a connotation to lawful that is necessarily good and not just? Sure. there there there there is law amid chaos right they're like and and Florida has lawyers including bud man bud could do some damage with some minions if you gave bud 20 minions can you imagine the fucking Costco runs you should see what they do at Costco it's amazing he's bulking them up significantly uh-huh they're all on gear yeah they're all really tiny and um they could just loading pallets of paper towels into his sunroom what's

Would Bud try to infiltrate with minions that he could train? Soccer. Soccer. Soccer. Okay. Because height is not important. Sure. I was thinking the full time, by the way.

Also, High-Lai. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking like when they were running, like, when I saw minions, I was immediately like, oh, man, we could run that same offense. The Chilean soccer team ran. Or it's just like, yeah, a bucket of minnows.

I'm going to take over e-sports. Or is he going to train them all to be jockeys? But it's also got a baseball background. And the nice thing about a minion, tiny strike zone real tiny fucking strike zone so like a hundred short stops we're gonna flood the minor leagues yeah shortest stops see which ones can make it to we're gonna like we're gonna like we're gonna yeah because he can he can afford to be if you've got minions you can afford to be a volume shooter in terms of personnel mm-hmm also they're already named kevin so that's a real baseball

super baseball name so my basements full of savannah bananas yeah these are these are more yellow than any than any of the Savannah Banana Fettles I've seen. I'm teaching them to do backflips. Bud's fraudulent Little League World Series team featuring Minions. Oh my God. No, wait, this is Florida. Bud's Gymnastics Academy?

They're from Minion State. Minn, Pennsylvania. Mints. Minsk. They're from Mints. Minions and Soto. I want Minion State to be real, because I want the fight song, right? Did you guys

Okay. Did you guys see the figure skater in the Olympics from Spain who was who was skating a Minions program? Yeah, it was almost not allowed to use the Minions music, right? Correct. They had a ton of music clearance issues heading into this Olympics, which is this whole other Ryan, you guys should fan a mile on that at some point. I'm just, I'm your assignment editor now.

Just because it was really interesting. The ways this could have been. prevented from being a complete cluster fuck. We're all easy and smart. And instead, everybody involved to the dumb heart thing. So when I first heard this guy, I was like, well, I don't think like,

I haven't, like, I haven't seen the Minions music, but I've kind of like absorbed it osmotically. Someone who shares an office with me owns a Minion soundtrack on vinyl. I'm not naming names. It's very, so I've heard some of the music and I, I didn't remember the music as being that like,

not like the Star Wars theme writer that or like a like a not like a John Williams situation like I didn't necessarily feel like I was like well is the minions music that specific unless it's like spoken word minions music I was like well maybe he can he can he can change you know he can change to a different song and in like

what would he do instead and I'm talking about this idling with some friends who follow figure skating and this guy skates out and I hadn't realized that he was skating in denim overalls and a yellow turtleneck. Like go, hang on. It's because I briefly entertained this idea of, well, maybe, you know, maybe he can skate to something else and it won't be immediately apparent that this is what he's doing.

And then I saw, I'm going to drop this photo in the chat here, then I saw the armband he wore that had the one giant eyeball on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They did get that taken care of it. It's a real good thing because there's no way i was like that this he's probably wearing like you know like maybe he's got like yellow pants or something not no no he he went full ass minion he went full minion finished 25th it looks like worth it yeah in my opinion go hard Hey man, that might be, depending on where the Olympics are located, that's a value add. This is one of my favorite bits of trivia.

The minions in Mexico have a level of popularity that is roughly on par. Like, I don't even know what to compare it to here. Minions in Mexico have like a cultural dominance that is, like, especially, What would you, what would you like put it next to in terms of America in terms of like its omnipresence? I can't really do it. I mean, I want to say the Beatles. Yeah. Like, no, but like they were BTS before BTS existed.

Kind of. Yeah. Anyway, it's one of the one of the more hard to explain items to people without saying like a crazy person on my personal travel wish is just to go to a Minions premiere in Mexico City. Yeah. I think that's reasonable. I need it. We should do and then we could just do a live show at Azteca. Wait, wait a second.

I just slandered Ryan, so I'm going to ask him to slander me. What am I on that scale? I think you're a four. I think that's about one and a half. I think you're a four. Yeah. And I think, if we're just being very honest here. Yeah.

I think the way you consciously live your life is at a one. And I think through neglect, you stumble into four. I think that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. Okay, now you have to tell him that I didn't make you say that. Holly didn't make me say that. I in no way set you up for this.

That's about right. But through neglect, you maybe get as far as six. But I think through earnestly working to undo the effects of your neglect, you get back to a four. That's your journey. That's your journey. I'll take it. Four's pretty good. That's one under par.

So I will take it. Yeah. I certainly think you could be more evil if you wanted to be. It'd be so fun. Just apply himself. Yeah. It'd be so fun. Yeah.

Neglect works both ways in that regard. Yeah. Wee. Wow, this is, that is an interesting new meaning for benign neglect. Yeah. Listen, some things can benefit from neglect. That's a good word, Spencer. I think Hartzell is probably

I think Hartzl's probably evil Hartzell? Yeah, I think Hartzl's probably 6. I mean generous low 7 6 is so slightly evil though That's like I'll get him a 7 He's a hard 6

How about that? Yeah I mean I could like what is 7 Like you've robbed somebody or something He has He has a documented history of theft I mean he's burglared

Okay he's burgled not like okay shoplifting isn't robbing he's he knew what he was doing he consciously did it knew it was wrong continued to do it what what was stolen balloons that's oh wait magazines magazines publications Jason doesn't know this story if Jason doesn't know this story this means we get to tell them this story and we get to watch somebody experience the inner workings of stephen hartzel for the first time well y'all are from atlanta it's the Tocco Hills Kroger, right? Where Stephen Hartsall is banned.

He's banned from the Tocco Hills Kroger for stealing balloons. His mother had to come pick him up, which was humiliating. How old are we talking here? 29. 29.

That's not the first numeral I was expecting. Don't take my mom's jokes. Don't take her valor. He was like, I think he was 12 or 13 at the time. Yeah. He's also admitted to, like, just going into the bookstore at the mall and stealing, like, the gameplay guides, like, taking them out of plastic.

And it's not just that, but repeatedly insisting. That's for the good of Sonic the Hedgehog's. Yeah, and the community universe. He's got to free the fucking baby animals. Yeah. It's not some, well, and that's what it is, but it's his. implacable insistence that he's doing nothing wrong. Correct. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's not even that I think he's like a bad person for stealing from Sam Goody or whatever. It's his implacable insistence that what he is doing is lawfully neutral. Yeah. It is it is the sense that he gives you that he hasn't stopped stealing because he he has decided it's wrong. It's just not worth the hassle. Yeah.

This point. Like everyone's giving me shit about... It's a little bit of that. It's a little bit like you can get caught and that's a pain in the ass. That's enough of a deterrent. Really annoying when people don't understand that tech and game guides are there for the community. Sure. Yeah.

And then when I said to him, yeah, when you think about it, any one of your kids in a stroller is just free, fair game, he got mad. Like you know those old ads that ran before movies that were like, you would. wouldn't download a car. Stephen Hartzell would, given the opportunity. He lives his life in that font. I don't think in that one. I mean, there's nothing wrong with downloading a car. Downloading a car would be fine.

I'm on his side here. It's, there, no one has lost a car if you download it. I never downloaded a car. Like, okay, like, like, like, you're tampering. Okay, dabbo, right? Yeah. Yeah, don't, don't be a snitch. It's not tampering.

I'm just talking to your way. Like, it's wrong to hack someone else's car. Also, Hartzell's a Florida fan. That gets evil points. Yeah, that's a little evil. It does. Wait, I think y'all just want evil points. No, no, we just looked around.

In the year, in the year 2026, it's definitely evil. Yeah. Florida's working hard to put evil into the world. The university of Florida, yeah. I'm specifically a Florida basketball fan. Yeah, the University of Florida. Yeah. Hartzell is the kind of guy, though, who, if the purge,

if the purge were real and like somebody's trying to bust into your house and you looked over and you see him and you make you know he'd be like I'm playing tech and fuck off no he'd be he'd be like bro I don't know what to tell you like it's the purge you know like that's rough out there man

it's rough I got my own stuff going on right now have you seen these deer in my chicken coop isn't that a good attitude to have during the purge like whatever y'all got going on out there it's none of my business yeah when it's me being attacked next door and previously So you want him to run over to your house and fight off the mob and save you.

Bro, at least some suppressing fire. Is Stephen Hartsall the guy you want doing that? Some suppressing fire. So you want him to begin firing into your home. I don't want Stephen Hartsl to be laying down suppressing fire in the purge or any other related circumstance. In purge situation, as far away from Stephen Hartsall as possible, please. It sounds like in the purge situation, Hartsl will do nothing because theft was already legal, right? So, like, in a situation where there are no laws,

that does not change anything because the only crime heart still enjoys is theft yeah like i'm gonna take i'm gonna take the night off it's crazy out there i can't get to the mall to steal anything yeah like nothing changes for him he lives in constant fear he can't be more fearful of anything like i i don't i don't know of a way that the purge with that is what makes him yeah that is what makes him the most dangerous in a purge situation like with all the love in my heart to all the hand in the dirt dads if i am picking one of them to ride out the purge with it is surber at an unassailable number one Felder as a potential

emotional liability but distant number two and Hartzl's not even on the board yeah Felder is 100% an emotional liability during the perch if you are going to need to talk that man down a lot yeah but I have a feeling

do you know how much his routine's going to be upset he can't poop with other people in the house you can't shack up with him for the perch yeah but you see the vision I have a feeling No, stand outside and ward off the mob so Felder can poop. Hurry! Hurry!

Feltre, they're coming! Wipe! No, no, no. I'm here to take care of all of you during the purge. If I die, that's okay. I'm not important in this situation. We're not important in this situation. Non-fucking stop, but he-do.

Look, I'm the one that's got to do all this stuff for you guys. During the Purge, you can't do this. I'm after doing this. Let us help you. No! Felder, it's purge. We can use store-bought hot dog buns. No, we're not!

We're not dropping standards! If we use store-bodod hot dog buns, why are we even trying to survive. What's the point? My back hurts from carrying this family during the purge. My wife, who I love dearly. Who I love dearly.

Yeah. I think. Felder wouldn't tolerate minions in his house. I'll tell you that. Oh my God. Can you fucking imagine? What if the purge was minions? You know what? That's his fucking waterloo. If Felder, if Felder woke up one morning and his living room was full of minions, I know exactly what he'd start doing it. And it's start

kicking. Start kicking. He doesn't. He doesn't listen. to this show, I'm begging you all to join me and just randomly sending him minions periodically from now. Just a minion. What are you guys doing? He's just going to be like, I don't know what to do with all you fucking minions.

I'll just keep. Audience, you did a great job with all the bracket answers that you gave last week. Nobody gave the game away. Two years in a row now, we're super proud of y'all and a little bit surprised. Just send Felder minions and don't tell him what for. We're counting on you. Yep. Don't tell him the full cast sent you. Don't be cute.

Just send him an audio file. Audio file of me singing, I swear in Mnionese. La buddy. Okay, that was actually terrifying. How did you make your voice do that? Comes from the heart. You should get that looked at. To the shutdown forecast.

You were listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall joined today, as always, by Ryan Nanny, Jason Kirk, Holly Anderson, and Michael Serber on the ones and twos. Before you get going, I have a request. Sure. And this is a serious request. Obviously, the shutdown forecast is the home for free speech. But if there is something, I need everybody to know that on this and future episodes, if you do this, I will leave the show. I will exit the recording.

I will be done. Huh. For the day or? For the day. I'll come back the next week, but like, I'm not going to tolerate this. Okay. And this is just pro. Nobody's threatened me with this, but I've lived through this before and I don't want it to happen again in a different version. I live through Fancy like Applebees

If anybody plays the audio for Jelly Rolls new World Cup song, which I haven't heard and I don't want to hear if that happens I'm out I don't want to hear the jelly and I have no interest in doing so I don't want to hear the jelly roll soccer song I don't want to I don't want to even server can do a jelly roll You just got to live it brother That's fine. I love servers jelly roll. I don't want the real thing. Is this song like going to play during the broadcasts?

Like is this our Shakira song? Theoretically, I'm not done enough violence to the world. I am planning. It's playing in your heart now. I'm planning on, I'll watch the World Cup on mute if I have to. That's fine. I'm not listening. I will, will not.

I will not let fancy like happen to me again. I won't. I won't do it. That's all. Well, we'll see. I might, you can't hear it if I start playing it. So I might listen to the first 20 seconds of it right now. I promise, I'll press leave.

I'll press leave. But you won't, you won't be able to hear it. If I hear, if I hear but a note. You better mute your mic just in case. Yeah, I'm going to mute my mic. I don't want to leave. I don't want to write to take off. Okay.

So I'm going to do that. All right. So I'm going to mute. I'm going to mute my mic. Is this song? the one in which he reveals his political opinions. I don't believe so. I think we're still percolating on there.

He's still tabulating the precincts in his head or reporting. So that one, you're okay with hearing? You're okay with him finally revealing exactly what kind of leftist he is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If we could get jelly rolls federalist papers, absolutely. Sign me up for that. I'm Marty Smith, outside jelly rolls, Dixville Notch. All right, so I'm about to, I'm going to mute my mic and I'm going to play it.

Okay. Now I have to suffer. No, no, you won't hear it. So he's on this. Oh, you can't just decide that. This song is with an artist from Mexico and an artist from Canada meeting jelly roll is representing all of us. The entire United States. So this is jelly roll made NAFTA?

To be frank, this is what we deserve. So I'm going to, you can just watch my phone. face for yeah okay listeners take a take a look all right he's pointing as if oh he's immediately shaking his head and taking his glasses okay i had actually considered the possibility that we could watch this damage spencer now i'm kind of on board i'm reading the press release meanwhile which is very professional about the song something he looks so unhappy and the song's barely gotten going you deserve this and i'm glad it's happening i do think this will be the the song playing during the tournament.

All right, then I'll watch it on mute. This is, I'm reading it like FIFA.com and everything. Because, because based on that, I probably can't even find like a Spanish broadcaster. Like, they'll probably have this as well because it has a Mexican recording artist. Right. This is an entire, the entire tournament. It's representing all of North America. They should have just brought back Brad Paisley and LL Cool J and called it on-purpose

racism. Kind of okay with racism. Like, this tournament was already going to be the most. uncomfortable sporting thing in history. Yeah. And boy, this changes that a lot. This really... I'm a minute in.

You know, there's an argument that it will be a uniting experience, the song, if not in perhaps the way they intended. Right. Now our neighboring nations will hate us even more. Spencer, what's your review after 60 seconds of the jelly roll world comes from? My asshole hurts. Okay. Like something pointy is jabbing in it. Mission accomplished

I told you to get that colonoscopy, babe I'm getting one right now At one point I am told that A Mexican and a Canadian artist come in I don't really recognize How I'm going to know When the Canadian artist comes in, right?

It means he could be like This is about No I don't know I hope they Chili rule It'll be when J.

Jee? So I'm going to keep on and hopefully my face will show you when the Mexican artist shows up. Okay. All right. Unless the Mexican artist is just jelly roll under an alias. They're both just doing ad libs while jelly roll carries all of it. They're both just doing ad libs.

All right. So I'm going to mute my mic and I'm going to continue to grind through this. Jason, what's the name of the Mexican artist? I've already closed it. I'm looking up Mexican jelly roll recipes now. Okay. Hang on. Let me return.

Karen Leone and the Canadian artist is Circut. That's Ken Lane in a mustache. It appears Circut is the producer, Spencer, so I don't think you'll hear that person's voice, which means you get to hear more jelly roll. However, Mexican jelly rolls look delicious. Yeah, they do.

The thing does look good. All right, let's see what I can find about this person. It does not appear to be the Mexican jelly roll. Person wearing a cowboy hat. Definitely has very specific facial hair. No facial tattoos, however. Personal life only has one line in Wikipedia. Definitely not jelly roll.

Oh. Definitely not jelly roll. Too boring. Too boring. No journey. Nothing for server to work with. No lore. Congratulations to this man.

That's all I got. Great. So also folks speaking of that tournament that Holly mentioned from last week the full cast madness bracket in which of course as everyone knows the previous winners in previous years were Moriah Carey and old-timey mine cart I looked through the responses to our post and we had easily the closest competition we've ever had it I tried to use control F to count the winners between Ryan's region winner, Food Replicator,

and Spencer's region winner, Randy Quaid, and an F-18. Yes, we said F-15 last week, but I reviewed the footage as an F-18. And I am quite, I did not count each one. I didn't break out any spreadsheets, but Food Replicator won.

Ryan is a back-to-back champion in our bracket. I would also like to issue an apology at this time, because at no point during last week's episode, Did any of us sing Food Replicator to the tune of Smooth Operator? We will apologize. We will learn from this.

I will grow stronger. Because my evil is innate. So there. Spencer, did you finish the song? So I made it two minutes and 44 seconds before I was like, I'm going to learn nothing else. Sure. If nothing else, it kept you quiet.

So that's nice. I'm going to continue listening to Jelly Roll song for the remainder of the podcast. on loop slowly it's only two fifty nine so you you bailed with not that much it's like it's like jangling a set of keys in front of them that are slowly giving him brain damage all right first i want to ask you two questions question one how did you feel after listening to this song once worse okay this is right look listen to ryan the non-evil one sliding in here with some basement of the princess bride pit of despair just just curious all right now how do you feel how do you think

you will feel after you hear this song and snippets of it repeatedly over the course of the World Cup? Like buying a truck. Okay. I'll feel like buying a truck because I will tell you this, you don't have to listen to it. I'm not gonna. And you're not going to.

And that's good because if you listen to the song that's in the back of any truck commercial, that's what this is, right? It's that awful, sludgy guitar and stomp driven like, I've been through shit. You're describing fancy like in many ways. Yeah, I've been through shit. We're all going to go through shit. I'm on TRT.

This attitude worked out so well for the world baseball classic. Yeah, it's like it's what I would call it's TRT dirge, right? Like it's it's like the modern equivalent to like 80s blues music where some like. So you're listening to like punished fancy like. Yes, it is punished fancy like. It's 100% it is. Three weeks in a row now, we've come up with something that would have landed us like an all-time Tumblr book deal and punished jelly roll. That's redundant.

Yeah. 100 bucks to fill up my tank! That's not what I meant by punished. On my third marriage. This is fancy like, but Applebee's closed. Yeah, it's just... That's the Bruce Springsteen side. Yeah, fancy like, but my vape shop's going out of business.

Damn. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it's just shit. It's just shit. There's like, no, I will tell you. I think in every song you can isolate one good thing. There's like a hot bar.

Yeah, there's a hot bar for like eight seconds where Karen Leon is rapping in Spanish. And that sounds pretty fucking cool. And then it's cool. Then I remembered why it was cool because I don't know what he's saying. And he goes back to rapping in English and I was like, oh God. It is the most like, it is like, it is the most like. victim shit ever it is the most like life's been hard for me so I'm gonna watch some soccer yeah like why is this why is this the song for the world cup so the the chorus that I'm

reading Ryan may I read you the chorus I will not sing it in the style of jelly roll so this yes I will allow that yeah okay never felt this free before I'm high and I'm getting higher if you know what I mean chains don't rattle no more good Lord I'm feeling lighter I assume the rest of it is about his various afflictions and trials. Sure. But the course, I'm guessing is the part they're going to focus on, maybe Chorus Bridge or something during these broadcasts. Oh, I just assumed this meant they're going to have the U.S. men's national team shackled on buses

until it's time for the game to start. I mean, I think it was pretty clear what this is. He had a song about Majaro, and then they were like, hey, jelly roll, we want you to do a song for the World Cup. And he's like, I have a song about soccer. Because it's called lighter, and jelly roll did recently lose a block ton of weight. Without getting to the politics of Hank Williams, Jr. I do appreciate.

I don't want to get politically here, but Hank Williams Jr. I do appreciate the straightforwardness of all my rowdy friends are coming over for some foot. Like, why can't we get back to the simplicity of... There was a simple elegance to it. Right, of like, are you ready for some football, a Monday night, party. Yeah. Like, we're going to watch some football and I'm sitting on the cat.

Like, it doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Even when the NBA was like adopting Pitbull's song to be like, it's going down. Playoffs. It's like, yeah. That's true. That is what's happening here. Hell at this point, I'd take look at this truck. Right.

Like back in the day, we didn't have to crawl through subtext to figure out what they're singing about. Do y'all remember? John Tesh is singing. with instruments about basketball. Back then, it was clear. Nowadays, it's mysteries. I mean, we've even been through this as a group before, if you want to go back to our early days

milling around Muppet Baby style in the SB Nation newsroom. Y'all remember this is our country? Yes, sure. Yeah. And the beautiful LSU freak video that resulted from that. Like, again, big and rich, not interested in their politics, but coming to your city fits with what game day is doing. Here's a list of cities that we're in. Which is in itself a public service because here's who we are.

Here's where we're going to be enabling the fan or the avoider of big and rich to plan their day accordingly. Right, right. It's downright neighborly. It's real hard for me. it's hard to make a World Cup song that I'm going to remember because if you go back and look, most of them are very unmemorable. Like 98, King Forever, because it's Ricky Martin, La Copa de la Vida, right? Yeah, allie, allie, all right? It's fantastic.

Can you do a couple more bars? I'm not sure. And we're watching soccer. That's a great Ricky Martin. Wow. Thank you. But I do want to remind everybody we'll never do better. than 2010 South Africa?

I'm going to remember, does anyone remember, first of all, the main anthem? There are three, and I'm going to mention all of them, okay? Because they're all spectacular for different reasons.

Do you remember the main anthem of the 2010 World Cup from South Africa? No, no. Waka by Shakira featuring freshly ground. What's it about? It's a...

a Shakira, who is not African. I checked. South is South is in there. It is in there. Yes. She's South something.

Yes. That is a Colombian lady singing a song in English, Spanish, and Hosa. Yeah. And so that's pretty spectacular to do an African anthem. They were like, let's contact Shakira. Second,

game on, which was the official, mascot song, which was done by Pitbull. Sure. He's from everywhere. He's Mr. Worldwide. That's right. I think that's how they grandfathered him in.

Yeah, they were like, it's true. It's your tournament. Pit bull. Speaking the language of South Africa, Dalae. But the third one is the one that really gets me. It's the official anthem, not the official song of the World Cup. Sign of a victory. done by R. Kelly

featuring the Soweto Spiritual series. Oh, no. Oh, dear. And to be clear to everyone, everything bad about R. Kelly was known. Like, a decade before this. He had already been tried for child pornography. He was acquitted, but the trial still happened.

Good Lord. And then we never had to worry about FIFA again. This feels like, you know, every university, it's like there's the song you know and you say that's your fight song they're like no that's not our fights you know it sounds like that type of shit we're like just pick one song man yeah especially if you're like hey we need a third song by who by who sorry won't be the world cup in south africa without chicago's own r kelly does he have any pending controversies no no they're all out there already they're all up there else what else could they say about him

It's done. We're good. So, yeah, there's Jelly Roll's miserable song that I've listened to for the sake of humanity. So Ryan wouldn't have to. That's why. Thank you. You know what? I'm going to bump your evil down to a five. I don't know what is going to have to hear about this.

It's the other way, Ryan. No, you're less evil. You were a six. Oh, you had me a six. I had you had to have four. You're right. You're down to a three and a half. I think what Ryan is saying is you're always oscillating between four and six.

Aren't we all? Yeah, that's what I would argue. Everyone's going to average out to a five. Okay. Not everyone, but most people are going to average out to a five. I just want to say that I genuinely appreciate that all four of you are too afraid to tell me what I am, which I think answers the question. Five.

Oh. Take that. There, take a median score. That does hurt the most, which actually ups your evil. told you emanate yeah hey I told Godfrey was a carpetacker

today you might want to bump me back up to a six when he hears about this in three months he's going to be real mad which means also I can get away for this long

without saying that you were totally right to do so baby I don't know house in Nashville no we're not legislating this one here no we're keeping

this one in the family let's argue over fundamental evils folks God love you Stephen That is a great segue. Future Stephen.

Toward the thing that actually, I think we're probably going to spend most of those podcasts talking about, which is that I think we've reached maximum Tennessee, at least maximum Brentwood. Yesterday, Alan. This is Apotheosis Brentwood. This is the most, yeah, this is the most Middle Tennessee thing I have ever seen in my life.

And it's made even more Tennessee by the sort of nationality. and places of origin of the people involved. So somehow, for some reason, by the way, people do learn things for the first thing from this podcast. And if this is you, welcome.

What we're going to do is... Bob Stoops has not died. Yes. Alan Richson, who plays Jack Reacher, was driving through a Brentwood subdivision. That we looked up, by the way. It is Brentwood. For those who you're like,

It couldn't happen in Brentwood. Yeah, it's Brentwood. Who said it couldn't happen in Brentwood? What is Brentwood? Brentwood is a suburb of Nashville. If we're relating it to Atlanta, Marietta? I was going to say Druid Hills, but yeah.

So this is helpful for everyone who lives in Atlanta. What would describe it more generally? People only live in one of two cities, okay? I had planned on adding additional analogs, but go off. I mean, just like, what type of place is it? It's a wealthy, it's a wealthy, suburb, there's a lot of mega churches. Oh, so you mean like Clemens. Got it.

Yeah, there you go. Translate accordingly, right? For you, Ryan, that would be Brentwood. Thank you. Brentwood is the Brentwood. Got it. It is your Brentwood. And I didn't grow up too far from there.

I grew up over in Franklin, which is kind of like, I don't know. There are two wealthy brothers, and one of them is a dentist. And the other one is the only guy who can, unstick a pig's guts when it gets bloat and yet they somehow both make 600 grand a year. That's Franklin and Brentwood. So anyway, he's driving his motorcycle through Brentwood through this subdivision that I believe he owns a home in. I know the other guy and owns a home there. Ronnie, Ronnie Strong.

Is that his name? No, that was me earlier doing hashtag Ronnie Strong. I think his name is Ronnie Taylor. Ronnie Taylor of Brentwood, Tennessee. It is a very, and not to spoil things too much. It is a very... Ronnie-ass-Roney. It's a very Alabama or England name.

It is an outcome. And it really is, Ryan. It really is. By the way, I tried to turn on TMZ and it has so many auto plays going on all at once. I felt like I was having a seizure. Just to get my information correct, I am not going to do that again.

What an alarming experience that is. Because naturally TMZ was the one who broke this and then got... TMZ broke this. Why? Well, because Ronnie Taylor contacted TMC with video of Alan Richson getting into a physical altercation with Mr. Ronnie Taylor. And it's a Saturday morning, actually, and heard what he called incestuous revving. Go look at the video. He calls it incestuous revving.

I think he meant sick, incessant revving through the neighborhood, according to this interview that he gave TMZ because this is a person who clearly understands presentation and public relations. So he's like, yeah, Alan Richardson beat the shit out of me. And there's this short clip of Alan Richardson sort of throwing this guy around, hitting him once and then kind of like tearing off on his bike. And I say tearing off, he's going like 15 miles an hour away from him. Okay, okay, cool.

But it's a Kawasaki, so it's like, yeah. Yeah, it's like and Richon's there with his sons. Richon is one of these guys who is literally like, look at my large sons. Like if you look, he's constantly working out with him. Look at him. It's fair.

Yeah. They're all very large. He broke off spores. So somebody, yes, thought it was a good idea to tussle with Reacher. The guy who plays Jack Reacher, who is enormous today.

Video comes out, and it's Richson's video from his helmet because he has a helmet camp. And this dude, in a BGA shirt, by the way, who's in his mid-50s, comes out and just stands in his way in the middle of the road. What's BGA?

Battleground Academy, a private school in Franklin, Tennessee. What's tuition? Battleground? Yeah, like that one. Yeah. If you think that is something to nod your head at, may I introduce you to Nathan Bedford Forrest High School in Chapel Hill?

Yes. tuition at BGA, I believe, is about, with no cuts or anything. It's about $30,900, about $31,000 a year at this point. All right. Dude just walks out the middle of the street and stands in his way and it's like, no. And Richardson could have at that point run him over. And at Breacher, as I understand, I've never seen the show. I understand he's like incalculably immense.

So like a gigantic object is barreling. toward this guy who just steps out in the middle of the road. Yeah, this, this thing that this, this scenario that Ronnie set in motion is in fact, if not the central plot, at least the B plot of every Reacher episode ever. 100% where like a somewhat above average physique person tries to fight Godzilla. Not even an above, just a person. No, this is just a guy. Just an asshole local.

I mean, from what I saw this. From what I saw, this guy appears to be like in shape. I don't mean the guy in the road is himself an incredible specimen. What I mean is that in the Reacherverse, it doesn't matter what you look like. All that matters is that you think he can't be that big. That's all that it takes for you to decide to have beef with Jack Reacher. So Reacher in fiction and real life is forever surrounded by little dogs who think they're big dogs. This is the same character who in the books, I believe his fists are described as frozen turketeer.

His hands are as big as dinner plates. Which again, and also, please note that the original article, also the original TMZ story also takes the time to point out how much more correctly suited Alan Rixon is for this role than Tom Cruise. Correct. He previously played this role in a couple of movies. That was delightful. Website based in LA.

They're like, yeah. But Ryan, you described this guy as a local, and that's a good place to jump back into the story. because what was not apparent from earlier footage of the fight that was circulating and what you would have only seen if you had actually watched the TMZ interview this Goober gave, he lives there, he ain't a local, he is British. Also, because this is Nashville, it took us about 180 seconds to find this guy's actual address and his neighborhood and where he works.

and he works with a friend of ours, not with, but like at their company, which means that we get to tell you that in case you don't think this guy is annoying enough, he previously worked for Wheels Up and Google. So here is this, and so with all of this,

you're like, well, why did everybody like immediately think that he might be, you know, why did everybody just be like, oh, oh, look at this Nashville Yokel. probably something to do with the clearly visible MAGA hat behind him on like a coat tree during the TMZ interview.

So we have, in addition to all the different layers of bad ideas we have piling onto this fucking eaten mess, we have, you don't even go here. Yeah, we got the Nashville Brexit man trying to fight, trying to fight a, not just reacher, but a full speed reacher. It might have hurt less if he had just run over with the bike. That's not a big bike. Also, I want to point out in every single one of these things, including the interview that he obviously solicited with TMZ, like, yes, I want to do that. All of the headlines are guy whose ass reacher kicked up and down in his own front yard like a fucking dog says. Yeah, guy beat up in front of his kids. Scrawny Brit.

That's not fair. He's actually the most in-shaped British man I've ever seen. What this is, this is, like his nationality, I think, is interesting on a couple of fronts because I think him immediately running to TMZ to holler about this betrays a, forgive me, we're not in Kansas anymore element because I think this is a guy who is very well steeped in the sensibilities of the British tabloid press. Sure. And kind of forgot where he was at for a man. minute. Yeah, that he's setting up for some sort of like, like, ooh, I'm going to cash in on this one. It's more like, no, dude, it's just advertising for free that you're a bitch.

Someone had to stand up to him. They're going like 10 miles an hour. They're going like 10 or 15 miles an hour through the middle of this thing. It's the most like, oh me, quiet village. And once again, I am advocating for supporters to join me over here in the Get Real Problems Party. because this man's main objection is in broad daylight on a weekend there was a loud motorcycle going down the street with a man and his kids that's called growing up in Tennessee baby this is I love this shit I love when people I love these people moving to Nashville because they think it's going to be magsylvania and they're not wrong and they keep forgetting that um whether you came here from Hollywood whether you came here from Hollywood whether you came here from London, whether you came here from Austin.

Nashville is not, not Tennessee. I think the greatest error this man has made is that Reacher is still a television program, as far as I know. Ryan, do you think this is marketing? No, I think they're going to make a character based off of this man. Oh, no. They're 100% going to make. Oh, my God, you're right.

going to make some stuffy English asshole that Richard maybe once an episode goes to his house and just kicks his ass for no reason. When is the next season? Well, like, I think the best role for this guy would be one who's just constantly impeding Reacher's missions. Does Richer have missions? I don't know of Richard does. Yeah, kind of. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. He's a, it sounds like a law and order. Jason is it kind of sounds like you put a couple of, uh, uh, you put a couple of, uh, of law and order shows in a centrifuge and then poured in a bunch of blood and just pulled it out. He's a, he's an army police cop. Okay. Who doesn't work for the army? He's an army.

He's like, he's like an army, he's a, an army bounty hunter police cop. Well, I mean, he was military police. Yes, he was not anymore is the whole thing. Yeah. So he's like, he's like a railroad hobo army. It's, you know when you ask a kid when he wants to grow up in kindergarten and he's like, I want to be president? and a ballerina and a dinosaur. Yeah.

This is kind of like that. He is, he has in many ways, like, what if the Punisher was real and wasn't so into guns? But if Punisher didn't have guns, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Reacher will use a gun, but he's also throwing a man out of a helicopter. Well, also, it's kind of silly when the guns look, when he does use a gun because they look comically tiny.

He'd, like, throw a gun at you instead. Wait a second. The Jack Reacher Season 4 trailer dropped yesterday. I think I've already seen the first scene That can't be right It like It is of course a known PR thing To strike when your opponent

Yeah yeah yeah It's going to be in the news anyway And ruin their moment But I think this further demonstrates That this guy Doesn't quite understand the situation Because now everyone just wants to watch Reach or do this more

Can I? I want to point out another thing Yeah How low are your How low is your own sense your own personal security IQ that you see a large man and his large sons on motorcycles and you say, hey, I'm going to give them a piece of my mind. That's like walking into a biker bar and being like, indoor smoking is illegal in this state.

So first of all, it depends how long they've been doing this shit? How long has this racket been going on? Sure. Right? Like, has this shit been going on all fucking day? Because if it has, I might not be in my right mind. I might say y'all knock this the fuck off. It might happen.

I'm not saying it will. I'm not sure I'd step in the path of a speeding motorcycle to do it. But as, and you know, I'm one to talk about this because I am currently planning locations to install bear traps in my neighbor's yard, the one who keeps blowing their leaves directly into our yard during the recording of the show. Yeah. But, you know. A motorcycle is just a mobile leaf blower. I did, I did ask, they have been repeatedly.

to stop and at no point did I I didn't even step into the path of a leaf blower to try and finish this shit Reacher has issued something of a response well actually you're like you're not Ellen Richardson Reacher yes yeah I think this is a reverse they finished filming season four in November but I think this is I think this is actually this thing that I thought was a season four trailer was actually somebody doing men's journal is doing a what time is the Super Bowl post piggybacking on this. It's canny.

They dropped a post yesterday about like, when will reach a season four start that has nothing to do with the education. Gotcha. Yeah. So Alan Richardson on Instagram posted in true wide receiver format, posted this quote in a picture form. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte.

I don't think that's right. Richard. Also, this is while we're in the business of dispensing things, dispensing news people, Richson is also a big old shit lib. Which is just delightful.

He might be our nation's strongest Democrat. I just love that this dude came from England. Clearly had no prior sort of initiation into like really wealthy middle Tennessee

clearly never seen a rough riders video clearly never seen a rough riders video and he immediately fell into like that mega church snitch ass culture was just like bam lock the fuck in he's like the HOA says this is against the law with the power of Christ

I confront you in this cul-de-sac cease your loud noise in merriment and this dude from Niceville who went went to Okalusa Community College is like, are you challenging me and my sons? Yes, because you're a fucking idiot. That's why he's doing it.

I love it. I love that an idiot had a niche, and he immediately locked right into it. Listen, listen, Nashville's constantly in a battle between new and old. That's all this is brother. It's also, listen, it's pretty funny to get your ass kicked

while you're wearing a shirt that has battleground. wherever he is there also is a battleground that face is a battleground it doesn't say battle winner that's true i pay 60 000 a year so my two sons can watch me set an example by getting my ass dragged over the freshly laying sod of my lequinta-esque house that's why is it true that this guy is the hoa guy i don't know if he's an h oa guy because that's the other that's that That's the only detail I'd seen. And honestly, that's all I needed to say, Reach are innocent, but I don't know if that part's true.

I love it. Oh, it's so Tennessee, you can pay $2.5 million for a house, and you're still going to get into a fight over a motorcycle in your front yard. Let me say also one of the most robbable houses I've ever seen. Battleground Academy, it's also worth noting, is named after the place where the Battle of Franklin took place. Yes. Not going to get into it on this.

But if you want to read about the Confederate Army. If you want some more layers to this story, Let's talk about the Battle of Franklin. If you want to read about the Confederate Army getting his fucking shit and to it, don't read about the Battle of Franklin. By somebody from out of town? The Confederate Army was like, Motorcycles in my neighborhood!

The Union Army was like, Get the fuck out of the road! Anyway, last year in the Hollywood reporter, Alan Rixon got up. While on press tour for season three of Jack Reacher, did an extensive interview with the Hollywood reporter, and he was like, hey, why do Christians pretend to love that rapist and con man president we have?

So, you know, it's, I'm saying it's possible that he was targeted by this, by this battleground chested dad. I do think it's, I do think like if any other actor had beat your ass on the street, there would probably be, there would probably be some element of like, wow, why did Harrison Ford do that? First of all, he's very old. Second of all, why did you step in front of Harrison Ford? and for his plane. Sure. It's coming down by itself. Just give it a minute. My sons were in our planes. No, Jason's right. Just give him a minute.

Yeah, then go talk to him once he emerges unspeated. Hey, it's going to be done soon. Um, but the problem is Al-Ritchin is really only known for being Jack Reacher. And Jack Reacher is really only known for solving, solving problems with violence and everybody being pretty okay with it. So you have like seen directly By the way, famously not having a car, he takes buses from town to town. Yeah. It's a little bit being like, oh, man, the Diesel street race to me. It's like, well, we can't get that mad at him.

That's what he does. Also, man, I'll tell you, like, just imagine this going to a Tennessee jury, which I hope it does. I hope it. I will tail me. Hey, I saw the diesel drinking a corona outside. So I was enjoying the quiet. And the jury's like, oh, so you were enjoying to quiet. Your Honor, Vin Diesel adopted me into his family.

Like he's going to sit down, half that jury is going to be like, hey man, I just want to say you're so fucking cool. You're so cool. He's going to open his mouth and then the jurors are going to be like, oh, you ain't from around here. Yeah. Hey, can I call ice on him? No, no, don't.

Well, I think the big fella did nothing wrong. Look at him. He stood his ground. Look how dang big he is. He's too big to be wrong. I don't like that he had a Japanese motorcycle. I'll be up with you on that. He was testing it out.

But he's big and he's produced two more bigs and we like big. You know what? They might play for the vals. You don't know. You don't know. Listen, BJ don't send prospects. They don't. I don't care.

You think Josh Hy-Bee. but worries about them? No. He's over at Pearl Cone. I'm saying I'm saying Red Banks right there. Yeah. You know, they don't say anybody

to the league. So, I mean, I've got to say, I'm not worried about it. Also, Mr. Richson, can I get your, can I get your stack? Sir, my wife would love a photo.

Yeah. They'll be like, listen, we had to dismiss seven jurors for flirting with the defendant. You're like, seven women? Seven women? No. No. Four women, three men. Just four guys being pulled out like,

hey, so cool. I love you, Jack Reaching. It's entirely possible members of that jury will be like, well, he's a troop. I can't possibly. Oh, my God. Finally, this works in our fucking favor. I'm not, I'm not going to. Officer Reacher, I just want to shake your hand. Thank you for your service. Officer Reacher, I just want my hand to be swallowed by yours.

The exhausted judge repeatedly reminding. these jurors not to refer to him as Reacher. Please stop saluting the defendant. And please stop talking to him, period. Just picking the jurors out of to talk to the defendant.

Just missing the jurors for contempt one by one. Go get him, Reacher! As every time this British dude opens his mouth, somebody just stings out laughing and they just bust his ass, Reacher! Do it again.

There he is right there. Buddy, you tried this in Woo Town. You tried this in a y'all town. How'd you think this was going to go? So here I am for day four, the Reacher show. I got my Reacher shirt on. I got him to autograph my DVD of Blue Mountain State. They call him Richard because of his impressive wingspan.

Just the coolest guy, just the coolest guy. Just the coolest dude. Look at him sitting there. Yep. Women want him. The minds of fish are unknowable. Yep, we found, we found him. Women want him, men want him.

Women want to be him, men want to be him. We found him not guilty, and then he gave us all rides on his motorbike. It was pretty sweet. Just outside the court roof. How you like that, Roddy? Your Honor. Deep down, don't we all want to be the little spoon? And he ain't Hollywood.

He lives here. Can I talk about beating the odds? this is a Florida man from Egglin for at least part of his life who moved to Nashville, who we would now lay down in traffic. Well, I shouldn't say lay down in traffic for. Sorry for triggering you there, Ronnie. I'd lie down and let Richard use me for stunts. I'll be your ramp, Richard.

Oh, my God. This is going to be our trace McSorley. You know the other error Ronnie made? If you're going to get your ass kicked by Racher, it needs to be bad. Like, I'm not wishing actual harm on this. Don't just get shoved to the ground. If you're well enough to... If you're well enough to talk to TMZ from your house

and just have a little scrape on your head, people are going to be like, oh, Reacher could have done far worse to you, brother. You've got a light work. Yeah. Reacher could hurt you that bad, just walking past you. I see, I see Reacher. And this is also going to work against you in court. Look how merciful Reacher was to this man.

I seen Reacher snap a man's fever in the fresh market parking lot. I saw him at the Green Hills Guild Picking his bones with a huge femur Reach her through me cross the parking lot And I liked it It was fucking awesome It cured my sciatica And you know people are just coming up to him

Challenging him all the time All the time Somebody couldn't lie for him At sound waves he broke her neck Y'all they're gonna The jurors are gonna bake for this man They're gonna go It's a long day in court

He's gonna be hungry You must be hungry Get you some cobbler. I saw him. Hey, listen, if I'm his attorney, by the way, I'm showing up, first of all, white suit, black bolo tie. Right? I'm dyeing all my hair growing. Alligator shoes.

Alligator shoes. I'm walking up. And I'll be like, you want to. My client, Mr. Rich. I'm sorry. Richson. A.k.k.a. Mr. Rechson.

Yeah. I'll be like, have you not seen him at the cop of monkey ordering a latte? And they'd be like, I have. I've seen him down there. He's people. Yeah. Mr. plaintiff, have you ever

ordered a coffee at the cop of monkey? And he'll be like, no, I prefer tea. And the jury's like, Ew! See anywhere in the court documents, this man's a homosexual. I rest my case.

How did, how did Richard go on trial end up mayor? How'd that happen? Five volume. Yeah. That's, I want to represent this case so badly. I want to impersonate an attorney so bad. The last problem, there's a certain segment of America that told, if told like, hey,

Reacher's going to fight you. You're not going to be badly injured. Are you in? They'd be like, yeah, man, I'd love to get roughed up by Reacher. Nobody's going to be sympathetic, but the people who aren't contemptuous of this are going to be envious. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I would have been my house.

Yeah, they're going to try to drag shit in from his personal life. They'll be like, hey, listen, Mr. Richardson, you've been very public and honest about the fact that you're bipolar. The jury are going to be like, so's the earth. We call it home. There is a designing women quote about this exact thing that goes something like, you know, we don't hide our crazy people here in the South. We prop them up right here on the front porch. Yeah, or front yard In this case

My dad got his ass me Oh, those four kids Those kids are going to Yeah, because now thanks to your fucking shirt Everybody also knows where your kids go to school I don't know, it's pretty cool My dad fought Reacher and lived to tell the tale That's right

Think of all the people who didn't Yeah Oh my God He's basically the closest thing we have to bat man Tennessee is in the news this week in a lot of ways. Yeah. Jason?

I thought if we talked about this for long enough, we wouldn't have to get here. That we figured out that Tennessee Talk Radio is now making federal policy. There's not actually a lot of things left on this show where if you say what's just happening, you sound insane. But I think we might be over the bar. It took me a minute to remember which of the things we had discussed for Tennessee. But the TSA thing where ICE is showing up to mill around while TSA is looking at like six-hour lines of people, that whole thing, apparently, according to one report, was inspired by a Clay Travis caller. Like, as it is known, the president sits around watching Fox News for ideas and the inspiration strikes and the next thing you know it's real.

Or he'll see like a classic movie about Alcatraz and next thing, you know, he's obsessed with like, It's actually kind of weird this hasn't happened before. Yeah, it's like whatever he sees on TV, that is the nation's imperative the next morning whenever he, like, gets around to waking up. This time around, a Clay Travis caller named Linda said, a solution to the TSA problem is to bring in ice agents. Not to pay TSA people, right? Like, not to have a government. That's not the solution. The solution is to have fucking pretend cops stand around and harass people.

and there is reason to believe that the president got this idea from Clay Travis's show and not even from Clay Travis himself from a caller right which I don't you know it's like it's like like a fifth hand odd idea at that point I guess but Tennessee you take some you give some you get you get reacher but you also get Clay Travis I guess also if you feel bad about getting your news from the full cast you know tell your loved ones who are rightfully concerned for your well-being that could be worse. Yeah, we don't take calls, so no ideas are at risk of filtering their way to the president from us.

So we'll see if that one takes hold. And if tomorrow morning the president calls for just a second of quiet and calm, we'll know he got it from the forecast. Yeah. I'm just saying the amount of times I've said that women should only be allowed to drive buggies on this show and then only when topless, it's a little hurtful. not to have seen that matriculated to the executive just yet. I understand that everybody has a lot going on.

It just hurts. Which lawmaker puts this forth? Lindsay Graham. Ask me something hard. Yeah. This is the full cast promise. You will receive no ideas. No ideas shall emerge from this podcast.

We have constant. Despite from the... How many businesses have... We started on this show. We have started quite a few million dollar businesses. Great, great camouflage for nobody stealing our business ideas, Spencer. I guess at that point, it is kind of weird that he hasn't stolen any of our ideas. Well, that's the problem.

Our ideas are good. That's the problem. He can't take good ideas. Yeah. Business prison. Which does kind of describe America. Actually, we could put an entirely different meaning in woke 2.0 for business prison. Woke business prison

I mean Jared might put a new meaning to that himself Before he's done with this next bit Yeah we can listen Hold on to that thought Hold on to it Because woke LinkedIn Woke I like the meme going around

Is that just untapped? Yeah I like the meme going around this week The guy was like if I win the lottery I'm just going to turn LinkedIn off Oh that's a fun idea Just turn it off There you know we always

We do talk about from time to time, you know, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your powerball splurge? Are you going to buy a water park? Are you going to buy a sports team? What would you do? What would you eliminate? Ooh, what would I buy just what's your big ticket elimination? Like what would what would be your Washington Post, right? Mm. With unfathomable wealth. If it's, if it's really unfathomable? Yeah, blank check. I'm buying the rights to the rights to the. the Star Wars universe and I'm shutting it all down. We're not making it anymore. We're done. No more movies, no more TV shows, none of it. It's all I own the IP and you can't make no more. We're done. This might be funnier if this wasn't happening right now with Star Trek at

Paramount. George Lucas comes to you and he's like, I want to get back in the game and you're like, nope, no, go away. No, absolutely not. Yeah. Be like, nope. Tired. It's mine. It's not even a commentary on like, oh, I don't think these movies are TV. No, I just don't want to do it in any. I just want to be done. Hey, go play with something else. That's it. Go find something else to do. But we want to watch Star Wars. Okay. No! Go watch it. It's right there. Yeah. That's right. That's right. Now, the meanest thing that I could do would be like, own it and also pull everything off of streaming. Wow. Out of nowhere. Just be like, we've got a physical copy bitch. Quietly deleting it. You keep saying stuff that like David Zaslov is doing.

Yeah. Yeah. But I would. be doing it expressly to be evil not be, well, okay, maybe yeah, okay, I see it now. I see it now. Yeah. You didn't do it while calling it evil. That's right. Not like, not calling it a business choice. There's a difference between

being evil and describing what you are doing is evil. Yeah, yeah. The latter is funny. I would put Wes Anderson in charge of the Star Wars universe. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. I hate these robots. Will I want to die?

Use the force. No, no. I'm just going to be here. Bill Murray is a very, a very depressed Jedi in this one. Making like the tweeest chorus. I don't think Jedi smoke, but Bill Murray smoked a lot in this Star Wars movie.

I do want every planet to look just like extremely fake. Like they just put a rock there. Like a stop motion planet. Yeah, yeah. Musafar is just like there's one tiny volcano. Yep. A little puff of smoke in the background. Why do we have a quaint train in a universe with spaceflight?

Which is important. We're on Dagaba. You can tell because there's a frog. Uh-huh. Just Jason Schwartzman looking deadpan out of the distance going, The Empire killed my father. But he remembers this like 45 minutes in. Yeah.

They did? I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're like, this man's brilliant. He's genius. There's a whole scene where Darth Mall plays croquet. It's fucking weird, man.

He's really good at it. But he's really sad. I used to be somebody. I used to have legs, but I lost those. It was better at croquet then. Also, Adrian Brody is playing Darth Mall. It's really weird. Everyone's smoking weird cigarettes.

Weird little cigarette. Why did they make the theme to this film The Rolling Stones Lady Jane? Come on. Come on. Space montage to dead flowers. It'd be pretty sick. No, no, no. It's not to dead flowers.

It's to fucking like Lady Jane or like Ruby Tuesday. It's Ruby Tuesday. Yeah. It's got to be something to year. It's not 70 stones. It's just the millennium falcon drifting through space slowly. It's like it's on strings. Yeah.

I think, I think. I think 3PO is a Wes Anderson character already. Sure, sure. Well, remember the key to West Anderson characters that they always say exactly what's on their mind, which is, yeah. That's three PO. That's very three PO. Yeah. Also a little jar jar.

I think I've been in love with R2 this whole time. If I could buy something and shut it down, man, I have so many college football options here, don't I? Like, it'd be amazing to just buy Ohio State football and shut it down. Defund Ohio State football. Instantly. Instantly. Yeah. Then I'd have to leave the country.

Yeah. Because they try to assassinate me. I mean, you could just like imprison their biggest booster. That would probably get it done. Because, you know, that guy should probably be in jail anyway. Yeah, about him. Yeah. That would be, I think that would.

Oh, I know what you would do. Hmm. You'd buy Augustine National and you'd tear it to the ground. Replace it with him. Oh, Ryan. The face you're making, right? Oh, Ryan. Replace it with like the wackiest put-putt course.

Drag-racing. Put drag racing in a custom national. Drag-race puttut. No, no, no, no. Hold of Truccasaurus. A coast of natural. There we go. Because it's very hilly, Ryan.

Sure. Yeah. Oh, you get sick air. You could get such sick fucking, it's going to be a dirt cane. That's right. You wouldn't tear it down. You'd leave it up, but use it for illegitimate purposes.

A man corner is a skate park now. That's the God, this is the best idea. We're playing paintball. Hey, hey, hey, you can't get in here dressed like that. You got to take your shoes off. It's barefoot only. Turn it into paintball, but keep the same rules.

Like, not the same rules, obviously, but the same level of strictness for admissions and whatnot. Right. It's the same sacredness in our paintball game. The only thing that's going to remain that really... We keep Scott Van Pelt to be like, quiet, hush, hush, pah, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Scott won't care. I'll pay him like $10 million a year to call my BMX tournament. Oh, no, Scott would think this is wonderful. Yeah, I'm just going to, I'm going to make a bronze statue of Clifford Roberts' dead body and put it right where he shot himself. Jesus Christ. Never forget the freak who started Augusta National killed himself and then left all of his money to plan parenthood. Not because he believes in women.

Okay, thank you. Because the one thing I wasn't going to say yet was we should put an abortion clinic on the 18th Green. Honor Clifford Roberts Legacy. I'm saying. Because he gave all his money to plan parenthood. Why? Because he believed in women's reproductive rights? No, because he thought that there should be fewer poor people.

That's why. And he assumed that's what planned parenthood was working on. Yeah, that's why Clifford Roberts gave all this money. Truckosaurus at the Truccasaurus Abortion Center. Truckosaurus at Augustine National would be really stupendous stuff. I would totally level Butler Cabin, though. I'd tie up Jim Nansen, make him watch. Is all the food still like 90 cents or over?

No, no. So we're jacking the fucking prices. $27. We got to run a damn profit here. We got weird dinosaur machines to pay for. Do you see the truckosaurus? Do you think it runs on solar? No.

No. You think I can feed pomeini cheese that bad boy? Okay, but that would be a good side project solar truckosaurus. Sure. Oh, debasing the master's brand, anyone can buy a shirt anytime they want. We'll sell them at Walmart. And they literally say, I have been to Augustin National. I have been to the Masters.

They say they let me in at Augustin. Oh, we sell the Blazers. Sell the jacket. Yeah, yeah. And on the back, it says co-owner of Augustin National. Yeah, member. Got a little embroidered patch over the crest. Founders club, yes.

I lost my virginity at Augustin National. Amen. The best part is, the best part is, I know I'm going to get one club member who stays on board and it's John Daly. Yeah, it's Condi. That's impression. It's who it's going to be. All of a sudden, like, I'm like, hey, listen, Condi's pretty fucking cool.

After years of calling her a war criminal, I'm like, hey, don't be so quick to judge. Have you ever seen her? She's both. Why were you calling her a war criminal? She's a war crime. Probably because of the war crimes. Yeah. Yeah, probably because of all the war crimes that she abetted. But yeah, I'll be like,

Hey, listen, have you ever seen her do a backflip on a dirt bike? I have. Henry Kissinger's dead, but there's still time for Condi Rice to learn to Ali over a trash can. That's right. Like, you know, the Ali is sort of morally cleansing, and like, it doesn't absolve everything, but it is a step in the right direction. And with enough of them, perhaps she too can be redeemed. That's right. We're going to, listen, we're going to run a rally race at Augusta National.

We're going to do it. Donuts on the 18th. That's what it's about. Yeah. What a, thank you, Ryan. God. Hey, you're welcome. I'm going to bump you down to it too.

Wow. Just for that, you're now a co-founder of Augusta National. I'm bumping me up to like eight just based on this. You're taking on Ryan's sins by purchasing Augustine National. The amount of unhappiness I am going to cause with the right people in destroying Augusta National, well worth it. Oh, and I'll pay Wright Thompson to narrate whatever we're doing. where nine irons once flopped onto the green. Now, motorcycles.

But he has to do it bareheaded or he doesn't get paid. Yeah, no, you can't wear that fucking hat. The sin of America is you pay for the whole seat, but you only need the edge. At long last, we will be able to say Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Then I'll be like, you have to say it. I'm not going to say it, say it, say it. I'll pay you. All right. The Grateful Dead suck.

It's 15 mil. There you go, buddy. Cut the check. Holly, what would you, what would you destroy with money? The Supreme Court. Cool. Good answer. I've seen it done. What are we going to replace it with?

Also truckosaurus. Solar truck asaurus. Bring your dispute. Bring your dispute. Maybe now it is, maybe now it is the greatest basketball court. It's still a court. but like now you are the person

in the halftime show he gets to do the trampoline flips before dunking. Oh, hell yes. I would feel reasonably comfortable saying Red Panda should be in charge of the judiciary at this point.

Yeah. I think that's fine. We can all agree on that, yeah. Yeah, concurred. Well, that we solve all that. Is it time for podcast business, perhaps? Oh, yeah. Speaking of getting enough money

Wait, did we get Jason's purchase? No, we didn't. Jason, what would you buy it? I'm about to tell you. Okay. Folks, go to Homefield Apparel.com, where I'm going to tell you, I'm going to buy Homefield. Wow.

I'm going to buy Homefield. Not because it's evil. Of course, our sponsor is not evil, but only in a cool way. But I'll buy it just to make a lot of money. Just to make a lot of money off of it because it is the most wonderful and beautiful clothing company in the world. And if I owned it, do you see what I'm saying? I would be selfishly the benefactor of all of the wonders that it creates. Would you hoard homefield or would you give it to the masses?

No, I would allow people to buy clothes from the store I own. I would change nothing about it, nothing whatsoever. I just want to be the one making money off of every sale. You know what I'm saying? So I guess what I'm ruining here is all other clothing companies, all non-homefield clothing companies. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll buy like Fanatics. Fanatics.

You can say fanatics. What would it even look like to ruin finance? Yeah. You know what I'm sort of. Like how? How can you tank it any harder than they do? But regardless, I'll just pull the plug on fanatics and instantly swap in homefield. And like, how much happier would all of Earth be?

You know, like, imagine you order fanatics, and you're expecting, like, oh, I'm going to get my backwards jersey, you know. No sleeve. Yeah, I'm going to, what the fuck logo is this? And then home field shows up instead. You'd be so happy. The only reason home field garments are sleeveless is on purpose. Or if they're Spencer's. Or if you modify them.

But that would be foolish because then you would have less home field on your body. And you never want that. You always want more. So what? Why did you say, oh, my God. Because Fanatics has the official license for like trading cards for MLB, MBA, and soon to be NFL. And I just imagined what if Homefield had that instead and how fucking awesome it would be. Doggers card.

I was just picturing a Cooper Flag or Concanuple Homefield Apparel rookie card. Yeah. And that's why audibly made that. Yeah. Do you think Fan, do we think Fanatics enjoys this? Do we think they're enjoying themselves? No, but Homefield is because this, I'm looking right now at Iowa basketball gear and Nebraska basketball gear because these two teams are playing each other

in what will be the greatest basketball game of all time. They're meeting, granted, they meet in the regular season. They're in the same conference these days. That's unfortunate that for so long we've had to endure these teams playing basketball against each other, but things are very different now. They're meeting in March Madness. You might think, oh, I didn't realize the first four was happening so late. No, no, no, no, no.

They're meeting in the Sweet 16. They have both won multiple NCAA tournament games in the men's side, no less, where Nebraska literally never had until just a few days ago. These two teams are really good at college basketball. Now, Iowa beat Florida. Spencer, I know this is news for you, but Florida was the national champion of basketball last year. I have been brought up to speed. did not only did win a championship, but then we lost to Iowa.

You lost to Iowa. Yeah, correct. And like, Iowa, their roster is basically just Drake University, so you lost to Drake. That is extremely embarrassing. But regardless, Iowa, Nebraska is an actual super important game for a trip to the elite eight in basketball. Like, to me, this is literally the equivalent of like Indiana Purdue being a first round college football game. Like, it is, that is the corollary here. I'm so excited. Also, all the jokes about like, oh, this means they're going to punt back and forth and blah, blah, blah, blah. No, you're right. Kind of.

Because Iowa is just about the slowest team in all of Division I. Iowa basketball is more Iowa football than Iowa football is these days. And Nebraska is a defense first team. There will be nine points. They played, I think, one of their games this year was like 57-52. Real ass basketball. You get this entire shot clock dwindled down to nothing. so much standing around.

It's going to be amazing. It's going to be looking like watching that Big East garbage, but on purpose. You know, like when the Big East used to every game is they're just going to tackle each other. That's what this shit's going to look like. Tens of thousands of Upper Midwesterners in Houston, Texas. And they're going to be clad in home field apparel for all of it. Because Homefield Apparel has beautiful shirts for every team that matters. If your team doesn't have home field gear, then your team doesn't matter.

But Iowa... Fuck off Stanford! Fuck off Stanford. Literally no one gives a shit about Stanford. Not a single fucking person gives a shit about Stanford. What they care about is Iowa and Nebraska, specifically their basketball teams available at homefield apparel.com. Gear up right now before you go to Houston, everyone.

Yeah. The AI agents I call my friends love my alma mater of Stanford. Because they have to. That's home field apparel. Yeah. By the way, if you want to buy something and destroy it, you could subscribe to the full cast Patreon. Alan and I'm going to put this out.

Set the price. Set the price. Don't consult us. Just set it. For $5 million. Great. Yep. $5 million.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I want to be very clear. Monthly.

Server's got to be in on this even. Yeah. That's why I said five. Okay. Million to piece. Is this monthly or one time? Million to piece. And by the way, this is going to put this out

because we never really account for this. It's got to be a million after taxes. So really it's like... But is this monthly? No, it's monthly. And if you stop paying, we start the show again. Yeah. God. Wow.

So it's $60 million a year after taxes and we will not podcast. Yeah, 60 mil, which is really like, you know, we're talking like 110 mil. But we will, I will tack on a commitment. We will do Patreon specific episodes just for you. At your request. Yeah, you can determine the topic. Will they go how you want them to go? That part, we're not promising.

But, like, we will do it. For the person paying us $60 million. Actually, you can write us a script and we'll read it now that I think about it for $60 million. Scripted reads have always gone great for us. We'll definitely do it totally sincerely. But we are doing other stuff to put there. In the meantime, for those of you who have not committed. If $60 million is a little more than your budget,

If your budget allows you only say $4. If you're some broke-ass, son of a bitch who doesn't have $60 million, if you don't want to purchase the full cast and shut it down, we will instead, you know, there are episodes there. And like I said, we have another one that we're going to try and knock out, let's call it soon. And I've said that before, but it's even sooner now. Yeah. Say for instance, if you're in your home in Brentwood, Tennessee, and you're like,

I'll spend all me money sending me kids to Battleground Academy. Battleground Academy. Can't even get down to the pub. Can't afford a pint. And then you're like, Tesco, Chris. Yeah, and you're like, how can I afford them? Can't even get pissed.

Preach. Can't get pissed with Reg and the boys. Down at the Brentwood Lions Pub. You can pay $4. Yeah. Or you can go try to get a civil suit by attacking a very large man on a motorcycle. There's so many cheaper ways to commit insurance fraud in Nashville. Yeah.

Yeah, but not to also get on TMZ. That's the tricky bit. That's true. That's true. Boy, reach it. Rache. We meet again. You avoided me at the puffy muffin, but I found you.

Richo puffed me muffin. I had you in the church parking lot. He got his pumpkin chunked. All right. So now that we're set in prices, how much would I have to pay to shut down Channel 6? That would also, I think, Holly, I'm going to, three and a half mill? Three and a half? A month?

A month? Three and a half? I don't have to cut it. She's making your face. She's making a face. That's, five, it's not going to get me Supreme Court terms of service violation.

A hundred million dollars a month. A hundred million dollars a month. All right, I don't have that. How much you just subscribe? Do you don't? I got that on me. I can't afford it. The motorcycles,

they're maraud in my neighbor. That is happening. Yes, $10 a month. How about $10? Ten quid, Oi, this is a little bit deal. Thank you, Reg.

That's right. $10 a month for two things a week, okay? Including, yes. Keep us putting blog shrimp on the Barbie. That's right. Our live webinars, our free newsletter that we published on Friday. And, you know, little items like, I don't know, say, we're to do some power rankings. I found that I found Ronnie's LinkedIn page.

I'm going to invite him. what can we what can we put as a what can we recommend running what can we attest to his skill in that would be relevant hand-to-hand combat it's a good one interpersonal uh conflict management yeah long care because you know reach your mode the yard with him so that it's pretty good uh 10 dollars a month for two things a week the channel 6th yeah channel that 6 dot ghost dot i oh we'll be doing some Power rankings this week, by the way, headed your way for subscribers. Phantom Island is not for sale.

Wow. That's what I'm going to, I'm going to plant that flag. 200 billion dollars a month. No, rejected. Wow. Hear that, folks. Brian to be bought, but Stephen Godfrey's too noble. That's right.

That's right. Stephen Godfrey, the only good man in Nashville. Just ask him, he cannot be purchased. He will not. Throw any number at him and he won't take it. Stephen Godfrey, by the way. The number of his small children. I think Stephen Godfrey would buy the Falcons,

intending to shut them down, but would have that moment of like... And then his middle child would talk him out of it because he'd be... Well, I think, like, well, no, I can fix it. The unbreakable curse. I can break it. I can do it, and he would doom himself to failure in that way. And then just find yourself 20 years later,

like, here I am still running the Falcons. Here I am. Here I am, running the Falcons. another eight win season. Hurrah. He might start smoking again, which would make him easier to live with. Phantom Island is not always about the Falcons, but sometimes it is about the Falcons,

especially when I want to make Stephen really unhappy. I will tell you, on a subscriber episode we have coming up this Friday, there's an extensive discussion about, like, would Stephen have accepted, if the NFL had came along and said, actually, 283 was wrong. The Falcons win that Super Bowl by Fiat,

afterwards. Would he accept that or not? He would have been even angrier. How is this even a question? I think that is actually where he landed, yes. But you can find out more by going to Phantom Island. Show, subscribing to listen to the whole thing. It's also $10 a month, much like Seattle 6. But again, Stephen Godfrey cannot be bought. Throw your millions at him. They will be nothing. He will keep doing podcasts just to make you mad. He can be bought. There's a number. And I hope you find it. I hope we find it. Thank you.

One more place to spend your money before we talk about places where you should go without spending your money. This is the last week of the first quarter of 2026, which means this is the last week of our quarterly fundraiser for Transvisible Montana. If you visit the shutdown full shop at pre-owned airboats.com, real website, not a trap, and purchase any PTKU themed merchandise. You will see a collection on the side that says PTKU stands for Protect Trans Kids University, a school of our own invention. The mascot is a blue shark. If you buy anything with a blue shark on it or PTKU on it between now and 1159 p.m. Eastern, God's actual time zone on March 31st, every dollar, every dime we make from that.

Not a cut. Not a portion of the proceeds. the proceeds we make from PTQ merch go to a different local or regional or statewide trans advocacy support health care organization we rotate these every month we will be announcing the donation amount from the first quarter of the year to Transvisible Montana next week as well as our brand new organization recipient for Q2 we gave several thousand dollars to multiple organizations last year.

It was my favorite thing we did last year. And let's run up the score this year. Thank you. Go Blue Sharks. What if I don't want to give money to anyone? What if I don't want to give money to anybody, but I still want to read good blog? I thought we were talking about giving money to buy the thing.

Like you're trying to deprive me of being bribed. Okay. No, that's right. That's not fair. That's not fair at all. I want to be bribed just like y'all are being bribed. Do I have to buy the New York Times? and give it to Jason?

Do I have to buy the New York Times or can I just buy until Saturday? So until Saturday does not require even so much as a New York Times subscription, to be honest with you. You just put your email in it and you get it. And you are, I'm going to call you a co-owner of the Until Saturday newsletter. You'll join a extremely large cohort of people. All total, you know, it gets over a million reads per week. So I would say, do that math. Give me $4 million a month.

And I will, like, say your school is better than your rival. You know, I'm not going to shut it down because it belongs to John Athletic, CEO of the Athletic, ultimately. But I will, my coverage will be swayed. Let's put it that way. And I will declare it to John Athletic. I'll say, listen, gave me $4 million. So I had to say that, like, Michigan is more virtuous than Ohio State.

or whatever, you know? Like, I'll lie. Like, I'll say any lie you want, basically. Michigan Virtuous. Exactly. But you can subscribe. I wrote about Iowa. I've read about Nebraska and Indiana today.

Nebraska is the Indiana of football and basketball. They swap places. I also wrote about Spider-Man in there. I got some takes off about Spider-Man in the MCU. You never know what you'll find in there. That's it. Serber, I would like to pay your band to play... To disband?

To play an event that really sucks. I want you to play like... Just like an awful person's wedding. Like the guy who attacked Reacher, you're going to play his wedding. Play the World Cup. It's probably like a seventh wedding. You're going to cover jelly roll at this guy's wedding. I have to cover jelly roll?

Yeah, nothing but jelly roll songs. Killer and plays C-Pack. And you have to do it at Kid Rock's Big Ass Honkey Tots. tongue. Yeah. What's your price? $69 billion. What did we change the name to Toby Keith's fuck this bar in particular? Does that change your price at all?

No, because I still got to do the jelly roll songs. Yeah. What if it's called, this is the bar Haley Williams was singing about when she said racist country Western bar bar bar. And grow. But I still have to do all of that stuff. all the songs? Yeah, no, it's $69.9. You're making me learn jelly bowl material. No matter the shitty bar. All right, well, you priced me out again.

So what if I just want to listen to Killer Ants with a Z or a Z, depending on the country you live in? Oh, boy, do I have some fucking options for you then? So you can listen to us online for free on Band Camp. You can also pay your subscription feed to wherever you stream your music. If you want to see us live, you can also pay money for that. We've got several things coming up. I'll talk about more of them over the coming weeks. I'm going to focus on this one right now, which is the return of FuzzFest to Winston-Salem after 10 years away. FuzzFest is back.

That's P-H-U-Z-Z-P-H-E-S-T. We are performing on April 10th at FuzzFest at Fair Witness Fancy Drinks. There will be a number of shows happening all around Winston-Salem, from April 9th to April 11th, featuring acts such as Impress of Small Black Wishy, Sam Gendell, Michaela Davis, Meatbodies, Shower Curtain, Frankie Rose, Verity Den, San Fribersh, Orgon, Trigo, Luke Schneider, the Dead Tongues, Tash Norgy, Flower and Bloom, Zolita's Girl, Real Companion, Marquette Affair, Meg, Trey Charles, Cottle and Timberline, Instant Regrette, Starling Is, Scobie, Skobie, St, Stowe, a bunch of fucking music, and it's going to be all over three nights. What is Woke County Speedway? They found awesome.

Yep, exactly. Housewife's going to be there. Bedroom Division is going to be there. Local bands from all around the triad, regional bands from all around the southeast and more. This is all happening in downtown Winston-Salem from April 9th to 11. I love my city of Winston-Salem, North Carolina. This is a great thing for Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and it's something that I've always enjoyed doing. I was lucky enough to play the first couple Fuzz Fest in my old band, playing the first one back.

I'm stoked for that. I encourage any and all of you who are interested in traveling, perhaps during that week. if you've got spring break if you're uh if you got some time off work come to windsasael visit us and come to this music festival it's going to be really fucking rad go to fuzz fest i think dot com yeah uh if you go there you can get um festival passes for a single day uh or all three days to check it out excellent it we have just we've just spent about a billion dollars all total of you the listener at home your money on all these ventures that you know That could have covered like three hours of bombing people.

See, we're the investment to benefit all of humanity. We're a bargain. What a deal, what a bargain. I really only have one other item on the agenda, and it's an important announcement that... That's important to know as we enter an hour and 45 minute mark of this show. The University of Georgia has decided that, you know, dominating of football isn't enough.

They have to tackle the ultimate team sport. That's right. Medicine. Fall, 2026 will be the first class for the University of Georgia med school. And if the phrase, University of Georgia... What's Latin for rub some golf on it and can we carve it in marble over the door? Yeah, you know, nine holes. Is there going to be a door or is it just a pop-up tent?

There's going to be, you have to go through the arches. That's what you have to do. You have to go through the arches. I'm going to ring the chapel bell. I'm going to ring the bell tell everyone my hernia surgery worked. I'm back on the links. The nation's, if the phrase, University of Georgia Medicine doesn't light up the centers of your brains down to clown sector,

what would? I saw that and immediately was like, yes, tell me. more about Georgia medicine. First of all, there will be no such thing as BMI. It's just, you know, he's healthy. He's good. He's a good size. He's got some size to him. That's it. We're going to talk about everybody the way Kirby talks about prospects, right? You'd be like, yeah, he's lean, he's lean, you know, or he's, you know, he's big. He's a big boy. He's healthy, though. That's fine. Get on that scale. Seems good to me. You're solid. You know, I just looked up best medical schools. And they have two divisions here.

at US News, which everyone agrees is a perfectly fine barometer. No one has any problems with it, and no one is like typing all their problems about it at me right now. The number one in medical research, it's Baylor. And the number one in primary care among medical schools is East Carolina. According to what I'm looking at, again, according to this metric that no one needs to explain to me how much everyone loves it because I know everyone agrees. It is the one I think you might be looking at the overall. East Carolina is the best university in the nation, like across all metrics. Well, right.

You might want to navigate over to the med school. This is one of their many number ones. Okay. All right. Thank you for clearing that up. You know what I mean? Because, like, you can't be the number one school without being number one at a whole bunch of stuff. And this is one of their undisputed strengths.

So, like, yeah, like, you know, Georgia entering the fray, attempting to become a better school than ECU, tall order. It's a tall order. pirate medicine, so I can see why it's so wildly popular. Yarr. Grog. Grog for the fever. Citrus. Grog and citrus, if that, listen. If that don't fix you and some fresh air, fresh air out on the ocean. Right. If that, if that and, you know, running, running from the Queens lackeys doesn't

fix you, nothing will. I prescribe you adventure. Your Honor, I wasn't robbing the bank. I was following doctor's orders. My doctor told me to swash buckle a little bit. God forbid. I'm afraid he suffered a swash buckling injury. He put too much swash in his buckle.

Yeah, that's, I am, I am overjoyed at the potential. Do you think the doctors wear visors? I can't stop thinking about this. I'm sorry. Like in their little lab coats, but they've also got visors on indoors. Yes. Like in golfs. bikes. Oh, yeah. Oh, that'll sound fun. Oh, 100, 100%.

First, five iron. Yeah. Just stepping away from the patient to take a couple of practice swings. What are you doing? You know, I just, I keep, I can't keep my shoulder closed. I open it at the wrong time. Got the defibrillator lined up and you say, four. There's this thing. There's the thing. I I've been rolling this around in my head this entire time about like, you know, ha, ha, doctor's golf, but how does that work in an environment where the entire ecosystem is golf? I think it might be that thing where there's two fish swimming and one of them says, how's the water today? It says, it's nice, right?

And one of them says, what's water? Yeah. I think this is like, hey, hey, doc, you play golf this weekend and the doctor who has a big bertha driver on his shoulder at the moment in an operating theater goes, nah just just 36 holes listen if that if that don't fix it it can't get fixed