Shutdown Fullcast - The Least Safe For Work Fullcast Ever

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

What podcast can take a screenshot of a simple chyron error from a local news station in Alabama and turn it into a hastily planned, poorly recorded episode about the SEC Sex Tournament as if that's a real thing or a worthwhile topic? You know who, buddy. You know damn well who. Please note: no episode of the Shutdown Fullcast feels safe for children but this one probably shouldn't even be played on a device that children might later use. Just throw your phone into one of those biohazard bins at the doctor's office after you finish listening. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown full cast. Oh man, do we have a special show for you? Because we've had at least five major technical failures to doing the show tonight. The other time is when you're on planes. That's true. Let's set the stage. You made a flight, and that was the trade-offs. Spencer, where are you right now?

I'm in a hotel room. What city? Are you willing to divulge that? You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable. I'm in Washington, D.C. Okay. Where am I? Sitting right next to me.

In a hotel room. Two husky boys in a hotel room. It's like the worst undercover sex operation ever. Hey, Ryan's a husky man. Hey there. Hot boys. You're the dude's low-level asthma? How you feel about quiz bowl?

Oh, man. Husky's in the quiz bowl is a calendar that high school me would buy. That's the thing. There isn't tight for this. Right. We're hot boys, and by that we need temperature. You don't really want to keep the room at anything above 70 degrees if we're in the same bed. What is it small like in there?

You know what? It's a nice musky kind of. Yeah. We're comfortable with it. Are there two beds or are we stoning? No, there are two beds. For it, this isn't even my hotel room. No. It's not even my hotel.

You got an erotic hop on. Well, we did go to, one of our hotels looks like a standard continental style decorating, and the others looks like a bordello. Guess which one that is? Goodness. Spencer's in the weird sex hotel. I'm in the weird sex hotel.

Is it Monday? Reader it is. So I forgot that we were supposed to do, episode today. Okay, that's literally never happened. I know. Spencer brought his mic, but not the computer through which he can, or the cable

through which he can connect it. So we're just doing... Neither of those things are new. Champion! We've tried at least two different ways to connect with three. We tried three different ways to call Holly and record

the call. All of those failed. So we are now resorting to our conference call software, which again is free, as noted by the name, free conference call.com. But we're just using it. It's probably a sponsor this show. Yeah, no, I think at this point, they should demand like a cease and desist.

We're the booster that must be disassociated from pre-conferencecalled.com university, which is my affectionate and name for Florida State. Also, Spencer's not in my house, so the shutdown full cap won't even grace us with his president. Also, we're recording at least, but roughly two hours later than we normally do. It's probably two hours later.

And we don't have Jason, so none of this will be funny. We don't have Jason. We don't know what we're supposed to talk about. We do. Except. Well, two of us know what we're supposed to be talking about. I'm still not super clear on what happened because I was offline for most of the day, which feels dangerous on full gas day. I do actually have one bit of news to share.

Okay. Yeah. So. Oh, and if you hear different noises, it's 11 o'clock at night and I'm doing my skincare routine, just ignore them. Okay. Are we going to talk about your skin care routine or is that not for this? Ron and I are doing the same thing right now.

You want 35-minute oration on my skincare routine because I have that ability. I mean, we have literally no other material, but Spencer has news. I do have. If you have noises on their end of the conference call, their legs probably stuck together from sitting too close on the bed. It's nothing but, listen, man, it's nothing but Q-Cucon. from asking cold cream over here. But not where you think they should be.

No. All in the wrong places. Do you think you want to sponsor us? You don't. So what has been the largest story over the past, say, week in college sports? I would argue that it was the story of academic fraud and paying for students to be. Is that this week? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just barely. I think it was really. A week ago. Yeah, where we found out that various schools had had coaches selling spots to wealthy. Bill Macy Dirty, y'all. Bill Macy Dirty!

To wealthy students and their parents who were sometimes with their knowledge and sometimes without their knowledge paying for them to be student athletes on teams in order to bolster their chances of being used. I don't know about this already. I'm not making this up. No. Right, right. We did. We did.

All right. You don't have to explain it again. Quit vancing. I'm tired. The biggest school in all of this and the school with like the highest profile cases of this in more than once forward was USC. Okay. It's coolness by volume.

What did USC announce today? Raise tuition. Are you goddamn kidding me? Yeah. No. They know this is a substantial raise tuition. And this is like the person. example of like shambling bureaucracy that so like clearly this had nothing to do these two things

had nothing to do with each other but you know somebody in the bursar's office or whatever six months ago was like well tuition's got we've done the math and tuition has to go off this much and we're going to announce it on this date and nobody thought to get on the phone be like hey if we could just put that just a week just two weeks that would be great but that didn't happen and so So one end up the Lakers to distract shit. So one anus attached to USC, farted out, raised tuition, while the stench of another anus's academic fraud was still fresh. This is so like, hey, listen, we got us to sell them the baby cakes to vampires at night.

All right, tell the factory to stop making the baby cakes. What? I just invite all the vampires. He's the frozen to baby cake. No. The best is they even put the numbers in. It was like, ah, tuition for a full year is going to be 55 grand, y'all. Honestly, Lynn's already 50, right?

If Lynn Swan had any sense of humor, he would just start putting USC's admission spots on eBay. He's a great sense of humor. He keeps Clay Halton around. Aw. I feel that, except I can't identify Clay Elton, so I don't know if he has a family. But I am Clay Helton. Yeah, I am a great clown Clay Helton. No, no, no.

Just because you look like you're pre-firing in a kiln doesn't make you automatically clay. Yeah, yeah. That's a sick pottery burn. Yeah. And one. And one. Yeah. Sit and spin, motherfuckers. Yeah. Who's parbaked? Your face. This show is

terrible. What else is new? That also and the knowledge that LSU and Yale will be facing each other. Oh, God.

I've never been more excited about an early round basketball game. Never. Eat them. Eat the LSU. Peel their flesh

from their bones. Pluck up for cringing eyes. Yale props up the elite by taking their money and feeding it back to them. LSU redistributes capital to the people.

Through reappropriating federal funds. LSU peeking in the arena doors like, oh, skull and bones, that was my two-year-old's birthday party theme. You know how else redistributed government funds? Robin Hood. I mean, can I just put it this way? All you need to do is be like, hey, Yale are the Bulldogs, so really you're not going to do too well against them.

Oh, they beat them. It should be. Historically. Historically. Do we not talking about last year? As delicious as that was. Yeah, we totally did. Just because Jason's not here doesn't mean you get to take away his son's greatest accomplishment.

That's true. How did you a bird do against Florida? Terrific. For me. It was, yeah, it was, how was this? He did something in that game he had never done before. Just throw an interception. Can we talk about the thing Holly doesn't know about?

Yes, let's talk about the thing Holly does not know about People brought this up on Twitter And I actually tried to look it up for a few minutes And didn't see anything trending And I try to look at Twitter trending topics with soft eyes So that I don't actually read anything But I didn't see anything that involved Auburn sex champions

So All right, let's hold on, let's try to like It's kind of $10,000 pyramid this when we say Auburn sex champions or Auburn's sex tournament What is your guess Oh wow

Another fake title I thought that was Bannis thing Wow No Hurtful Let's see Only lasting one second That's not why they know

at Oakley Needing one second Only needing one second Paying for it Paying for it Ongoing and investigate circling the wagons is actually both an Auburn sex move and a mortal sin in the state constitution.

Auburn family sounds so much gross. All in. All in. All in. Anyway, congratulations to Auburn sex tournament champions. This actually has a good connection for you, Holly. That sounds weird. Okay.

To go back. Now that this is derailed approximately 90 seconds into discussing it. What? Is this AirSex? Is this that thing? No. No, no, no. In my head, I was creating, like, a collegiate air sex league, which would be amazing.

Well, I mean, Auburn is all about... And finally, Arizona State would be a perennial champion in something. Oh, Auburn, Arizona State's a legit sex tournament champion. Do not sleep. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, but they don't even have a... league for that anymore it folded because Arizona and UNLV just kept walking away

with it. Well, it's also because Arizona State had no interest in amateurism when it came to that. Also, USC couldn't compete because, you know, that one guy who got on the team. Man, he seems really underqualified, doesn't he? Did they photoshop him having sex?

They did? Auburn wins sex tournament was the headline on a CBS 42 out of Tuscalo report. I believe it was supposed to say Auburn wins. Wait, no, you're not a bad connotation for me. I'm ignoring this result.

Yes. No, no. Well, you've got to bring that up. It's important because of who's in the screen cap. Oh, okay. Yeah. Wait, is it Bruce Burl? That's right.

That's right. Shiding with the sex of a thousand sons. No, oh, man, no longer am I denying this win. That's the sex champion. That's right. It's right. He'll invite you to the barbecue, slow and low. Oh, what a man.

Yeah. So now, all anyone... I'm not actually mad because, like, most women who cross Bruce Pearl's path, I can't deny him anything. No happy. I can't deny him any happiness. That's, you know, this gift and his curse. And it's also...

You know what? It's also one of the reasons he got to show cause to order. Why? Well, you're still just bringing up old shit. I'm bringing up Bruce Pearl's greatest accomplishments Please, he got all that And guess what Bruce Pearl just did Bruce Pearl just won the FCC

Do you think Bruce Pearl has ever referred to his genitals As his show cause? Yes Oh, absolutely Absolutely 100% As his Ward Eagle As his volunteer

Yeah As half bear and half cat Absolutely Whatever he has to call it To seal the deal because he's a showman and a salesman. That's what Bruce Burroughs. Which coach would you buy a dildo in the shape of?

Not their dick, but like their entire body. Like if you had an awkward statuette of a coach, which one would you put inside you? What? No, you make a business model out of this part. All right. What people actually want to know is which SEC school would win the sex tournament. Kentucky, now answer the question.

You should have to throw that out of there? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why has Kentucky suddenly gotten hedged up here? Dude, it's a long winter, and it gets dark at like 3 p.m. 6 months of the year up there. A lot of smoking, a lot of drinking, though. I'm not seeing a lot of, like, I'm not seeing a lot of stamina or health coming out of that. I don't feel like this is a contest because I feel like it's automatically LSU.

that's a strong pull although that's a strong ad offer you can't say that their diet makes them lethargic because you can sit out about every conference in the every school in the conference that's not Vanderbilt or false to Aronsaw because you're poor

LSU would win the public sex tournament if that's what we're grading on yes I believe that and that's because all LSU students sovereign citizens. That's true.

Public and decency laws do not imply. That's Napoleonic coach there. Georgia fan, okay, well, let's go with elimination. Let's start geographically from here and work our way out. Georgia fans probably think

ludicrous is what's your fantasy is too spicy. Right. Again, a sex song in which the height of Atlanta Falcons victory. It's a field goal. It's kicking a field goal.

Like, you get horny for field goals? No, you're not winning this. Can I go ahead and tell you why Florida is out of the tournament automatically? Sure. Won't travel out of the state. Can't compete. South Carolina, I think we have significant pestilence concerns. That's like some good angry sex.

They're just, that's some stringy game. Right. Also, if it's a Will Most Champ team, going to be a lot of effort. Not a whole lot of scoring. Well, I got, listen, I got a homer here for Tennessee. It's a lot of being holed up in mountains, but a lot more ability to, like, kill and trap your own furs. You make yourself a nice little nest. That's so specific.

That is, it's true. What? It's not too hot either. That was not say. No, that crisp mountain air. Yeah? No, no, I'm feeling this. I think this is this.

All right, I'm at least a bed with a man who can whittle because he's... I'm fine if you want to make Tennessee the East favorite so far. Yeah. I guess we should... No, we don't have to talk about Vanderbilt. No. So now you've got to sound in Tennessee, Kentucky, or Mizzou. Mizzou actually has a very strong case.

That could get messed up. That can get messed up. What can people think is pizza? Listen, if we're willing to acknowledge that not all sex involves a partner, Missou has a very strong case. There are so many. You know the big dog shirt, you know, pizzas like sacks. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Counterpoint, look what Mizzou thinks constitutes pizza. I will also point this out. A lot of VHS porn shops in Missouri still operating. And that's, think of like, the dedication. Okay, so I think not all sex involves a partner and all that VHS porn. and what you're saying is Missou is the sleeping giant of this conference. They're a grower, not a shower. Yeah, definitely.

The show me state! This episode is brought to you by Dean Norris tweeting sex gifts. That's Missouri. Missouri is Dean Norris on Twitter. Sex gifts. This call has been going for less than 15 minutes. I don't think it's going to make it to 30. No, no, I think we're going to run out of scene.

Why, I'm like sex with an Auburn, man? All right, so Tennessee or Kentucky. Holly, who is your SEC East sex champion? I don't feel like it's Homerish to say it's Tennessee. Long enough winters to get a lot of practice, but not long enough so that you get bored. I'm going to say this. I'm actually going to go with Tennessee because of one's basketball. Prepar culture.

They got everything you need. Once basketball season starts, Kentucky's out. Oh, yeah. That's like Derek Dooley didn't work. work out. He was only over the close. That's how No-Nut November actually started. A bunch of U.K. fans being like, no, man, we've got to be focused. Come on, man.

We got three seasons and tournaments to watch. Cats playing in Hawaii. You've got to get all from a junk right now. Wow. We need all this energy. All of it focused on the cats. I believe in three Cs. Cats, Cal, and Chastity. It ain't the clip.

Please don't let your children to listen to this show Or any episode of this show Again, please Hi, Mom All right, SEC West Oh, this is a little harder This is, uh Arkansas, okay, Arkansas would take off the board

For reasons related to South Carolina What are we going to do with you know My frontrunner All right, I will actually, I understand the case But I'm going to let you lay it out Because I think we're on the same way up like there. All right. I think it's going to take you a minute to find the one that fits your exact needs

because they are a one-track-minded people. But when you find the one who shares your exact taste, that fanatical devotion, that's a drill down, son. If you're into cosplay, that's the other one on your board. Also, you can do a lot of speed dating when they're all wearing white pants. You don't even have to wait for the reveal. You know exactly what you're dealing with. Listen, listen.

It's called a yell leader, ain't it? Yeah, that's correct. And you know why they call them the 12th man? I can't even make something up with this. No, it doesn't even make any sense. Look how much respect they show that lady dog. What about their own? That's true.

That's true. This is going to be huge with the gigantic swath of our audience that wants to fuck Texas A&M men, by which I mean Texas fans. There's a separate convo we can get into about the guy on Twitter who insisted he didn't fuck his cat. That's Shane the cat fucker.

I know that guy. This is what's happening right now. Winter is lifting all over most of the United States. And people are all like weird and antsy, and their brains are starting to wake up. It's like we've broken away from cuffing season with propriety. Yes, that's right. And instead, we're busy screaming about how we didn't fuck our cat.

Hey, Texas A&M is the original dating app. Hullabaloo, connect, connect. What is wrong with you? What is what we're saying? Right with you. Seriously, Texas A&M, call me. So that's a compelling case for Texas A&M. I will counter with LSU.

Yeah. LSU being professionally uninhibited, being the closest to New Orleans, Marta Graw, and an overall cultural tradition of literally letting your ass hang out. They don't start me as being particularly generally generally gentle. partners due to an overdeveloped propensity for napping. Have you seen what LSU is put into the draft while only winning eight games a season? What's an actual point? What further generosity do you need of not only their existing talent, but your ability as a partner to coach them up?

You can take somebody from college Odell Beckham to pro-Odell Beckham. It's just waiting there. It's just sitting there. It just needs your help. It's ready to go. They were my first instance. I feel like LFU has, okay, so to speak, there's a wide talent pool that's like five feet deep. And I feel like Texas A&M perfect plunge pool for like for you personally listener out there.

Your personal Texas A&M dating pool is like a plunge pool. It's like six feet square, but it's like 12 feet deep, right? God, that's all right. Yeah. No, I'd say you could find a handful of absolutely mind-bending lovers in college station. Or you could find a couple dozen excellent lovers at LSU, and it just depends on what your personal preference. I'm calling us a tie.

Ole Miss, I'm going to put it all the way to the side. No, yeah, no, no. Because two words, whiskey, dick. Two more words. No, no, no, two more words. Cell phone holster. All right, six words. Eli Manning, cell phone holster.

This is seven words. Sorry, whiskey dick. Sure, no. Two more, three more words. I will also state this. Don't ever trust anybody who assumes the chafing dish is an acceptable vessel for a prolonged tailgate eating. Chafing dish was actually Hugh Fraser's Tinder name. Ryan's sitting here waiting for me to crack up, and it's not happening.

It's not going to get you that. Because you're a good person. That's not one. Yeah. That's not why. Old Miss to the side. We'll just put Old Miss. Also, we also know that Old Miss.

historically ends up on the losing side of things. Right. That has to include the bedroom as well. Arkansas is already out. We've got compelling cases. Arkansas is in the South Carolina pile. Missy State, I just feel like if this were a map, there would be clouds on it and says here there would be dragons.

Like, more data needed. I think that's, here's the problem with the Mississippi State participant in the sex championship. The whole time, they're just insisting that you tell them it's better than Ole Miss. And you're like, I thought we could just focus on the two of us. And they're like, yeah, this is better in old work, right? You got a great dairy. Let's talk about your hot, thick, cream.

Nope, tell me I'm better to more ribs. Right, but it's better at Ole Miss, right? How do you hear that over the cowbell, too? Oh, God, cowbell's tied to the bedpost. Yeah, hard pass. I mean, it's going to be. Unlike what they do at Ole Miss, hard pass. Even if it's good, there's still going to be things that are just going to throw you off

about the entire experience. Counterpoint, one of the greatest players in Mississippi State history, Fletcher Cox. Oh, I thought you were going to say Fred Smoot. Fred Smoot. strong cases y'all so all right so this would be saying I think we can agree

high ceiling inconsistent performance yeah probably I think more data I think they're new to the I think they're new to this league I think this is a new sport for them and I think we need to collect more data

before we can make an appropriate response if we're doing bracketology they're like a four seed right four or five seats they're going to scare somebody right yeah they're going to pull they're going to make a deep run that's going to be kind of unexpected but you're not going to you're not going

know if this is the year or not until a couple games in. Okay. That leaves us with two schools to discuss in the West. You're raining sex tournament champions of Auburn. The Auburn Tigers. Man, listen, and I'm not saying

this isn't it for people, but unless you're into having your pastor watch. And if you are... That's fine. No judgment. Yeah, a little judgment. Welcome to the show, Joel Osteen. A little judgment. Also, the Auburn thing is that, yeah, it's never going to be consistent year to year.

And all that Auburn family shit suggests they don't wrap it up. Yeah, so Auburn, I think, is problematic, even though they won this year, I would go ahead and project them forward. Alabama. Again, with phone holsters. The attention is just not going to be there for five months a year. maybe even SEC Media Day. Well, the problem is, the problem is that they're fucking anything.

If we're talking about Nick Saven, Alabama, the problem is that they can't enjoy the sex they're having because they're too focused on recruiting the next sex partner. They'll tell you in the middle of it, like, oh, this is recruiting time. I'll just wait, all right, you call it for play, you kick them a tape, but I could be out recruiting my next sex partner right now. It's going to be really hard to get, to crack that depth chart. Out of context, small cast guy is going to have a fucking

field day with this up. It's just going to be an issue to get playing time, man. It really will be. That's right. Also, Lake Giff and and Steve Sarkeesian have both been through this program. So there's going to be concerns about germs. Just spray. Just spray everything.

You're going to have to get, you're going to have to get into the walls. Hey, Butch has been in this program, too. Oh. I think Butch Jones, come on. So much unnecessary liquid. I like Butch Jones because it's sort of like, What if you could fuck Chet from weird science, but now? Oh, I was going to say, like, what if you could fuck grown-up Diddy Kong?

At last, someone heard me. A genie somewhere is like, you want what? Okay. All right. Hey, man, it's your wish. You got me out of the lamp for this. Hey, that's the worst Aladdin proposal I've seen the last couple of weeks. You want to fuck grown-up, Diddy Kong, and blow a lead at home to Oklahoma?

All right. All right, sure. Never have to put me. So that would be... So we're putting... So now we're between LSU and Arkansas and A&L. LSU and A&N. L, L, U.S. and A&M.

Alabama. That's a pretty good for some to come out of the conference. Well, I also like that. I also like that we picked the scrappiest matchup. We did. The fight-nest, oh. Yeah, although. I mean, you've got to have a little tussle.

Can I put it in this way, though? This is the 7-0-T-day. Remember where Edward Geron got wet. Right. And it wasn't over until an hour later. Right, right. And then all of a sudden, Kevin Foxx in there throwing punches. Oh, it was a lot.

What happened? This is the greatest and worst night of my life. Somebody opened the door to the hotel room. Baby! All kinds of a crazy tussle. So, yeah, I like the LSU-A-N-M match up here. I think out of the east we had Kentucky and Tennessee. Yeah, this is all, I think we, at the very least, if we did not determine a champion,

I think these are the top of the seeds that we send to the big dance, for sure. Body clock. Body clock. You know what really differentiates the SEC side It just means more It just means more You just don't get those big fast out of the pack 12 like this I'm so glad we solved this problem

That we made up ourselves That is so much less traumatizing that I thought Auburn's sex champions was going to be This was less traumatizing? Oh yeah for you for our listeners they may never recover y'all hit play i'm sorry

you literally did this to yourself not unlike missou Thank you.