Shutdown Fullcast - The "Let Kids Smoke" Episode feat. Emir Dan Snyder

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

SHOW NOTES Introducing the Mamas' Buttz family of businesses Deciphering the locations of the World's Strongest Man competition Introducing hilljack chatbot HollerGPT Surber has some things on his heart to unburden in the direction of Russell Wilson Spencer's emotional history of golf "You know what's NOT cool? Vaping." Have you ever heard about the Washington Football counterfeit ballpark peanuts scandal? You're about to! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We've got anything to discuss besides Stetson. Why would we discuss anything but this? What are you talking about? I know. What Stetson do? I don't pay attention to things. Oh. Stetson didn't do anything.

Stetson just lived. Yeah. Stetson is amongst draft internet. Yeah. Hmm. And I don't think it's necessarily invalid, but I also am not worried about that. I think of my problem. We got our high.

my money. I think a very important part of his efficiency and effectiveness as a leader at Georgia was his ability to put down an entire rack of bush light a night. And I think that I'm not going to make him apologize for that. Yeah, did they sleep on Matt Stafford at the draft for his Talladega Ked cuddle? No. I can't remember. I'm asking, I'm very old. Did they sleep on that stuff? No, no, no. But But also it was the lions. He got out. He did get out. Oh, I just mean the lions aren't going to be like, well, we have, I don't know.

I don't know if you have the strength of character to come play for Detroit. I don't know if you're a lion man. I think that is a question, though. Are you a bad enough dude to survive playing? Are you a bad enough dude to play for the lions? I'm a lionman for the captain. Can you last longer than Calvin Johnson? We think Matt Stafford might drink to Kobe.

He sounds like a lion to me, brother. Bring him home. Mama's calling. She's slurring her words because she has to watch the lions. On Thanksgiving. Another fucking lion's neuter with Big Sean doing the halftime show again. Speaking of slurring words, I wish he would because they're terrible because they were written by Big Sean. She got a butt.

That's why I call it Matt a butt. you can probably open a honky tongue here called madam butt do pretty well from being honest hey we're going to be at myrtle beach this week now yeah that's right speaking of madam butt a bar probably exists in myrtle beach already called actually it's probably it's madame it's miss butt miz butt in my z butt

in myrtle beach they go miss Ms. That's Ms. Butt there. Maybe Mama's. Mama butt. Mama but. Mama butts. You've made it plural.

A division of Mama butts. Wait, is that possessive or plural? Oh. Plural possessive. Is it? Oh, it's owned by numerous mama butts. Yeah. Mama's buttes.

Mama butts apostrophe. Mama's butts apothec. There we go. I am betting. I'm assuming both of these S's are z. Yes, this is a converted Zach's Bees. It's a, you know, there's a former pizza that's become anything. Former Zach Spies that is now a strip club in Myrtle Beach.

Yeah. I have, I have gone over very few things from economics classes in my daily life. Hold on. Whoa. One thing that does stick in my head. But Spencer, you handle all my personal fights. I have some terrible news for you, Ryan. Let's head on back to the stable there, big fellow.

But the notion of inelastic demand is something that always comes back to me because it's always the worst businesses that have the most inelastic demand, for instance, in Myrtle Beach. We could open the worst dacquerie margarita bar ever, and we could call it Ms. Butts. Then we could open one down the road. and we could call it Madam Butts. And then, then, then. One of them only lies and one of them only tells the truth. How would they escape their gun them?

Then we could open the steakhouse that's the high-end concept called Mr. Butts. Monsieur Buts. Monsure Butts. And we could put, and they would all make money. There would be nothing. We could feel like, could we do less and could we try less? Could we put out a worst product? And then there's yes, and it would make money.

experience called the Myrtle Butts Chamber of Commerce. Can we then also undercut Monsignor butts with like, Brother Butts, right? Like, we got the real cheap dachs. Is that the storefront church? That's for kids. That's the kids. Holly, I believe you're preferring to Saint Butts.

Yes, excuse me. That's the, I didn't think Myrtle Beach held with that. And then we have a schism, and then there's a church called, like, Reformation Butts. Catfish Shack? That's Uncle Butts. Primitive But is. Primitive butsists. Yeah.

Catfish shack, Uncle Butts. I'm Butts Orthodox. First free will buttist. Auntie Butts, Lausiery Shack. Anti-Buts just made me cigar. Oh, my God. Anti-Buts is a cigarettes and fireworks stand. Uncle Butz is going to be immediately sued out of business by my Uncle Buster's line of sweatpants.

I mean, it is South Carolina. You could have, like, anti-butzum. I'm not going there, but. Good. I just know that going to the world's strongest fan in South Carolina, I will hear at one point someone walk by during the competition and say, dang, that's a big old boy. I'm going to hear that at least once. It'll be worth the entire trip.

When I think, where are the world's strongest men, the first place that comes to mind is definitely Myrtle Beach. That's what's in Myrtle Beach. Have you ever been during bike week? Yeah, Ory County. Home of the Strong Butts. Why is it there? I have no idea. They paid.

For instance, can I give you a list of places where the World Strongest Man has been and it will put it in contest? Because it's not like Little Beach is not in demand during April. Let's see if we can find a common thread. Yeah, because for a long time, it was in Mauritius. Okay. Okay. Marrishis, Kentucky. Yes, the following pit, Mauritius.

Maricious Kentucky, starting offensive guard for this. Carolina Gamecox. Mauritius also sounds like the name of a of a dog in Georgia. Mauritius. Maricious, the... Maricious, get down. Stop down. Rishus.

Yes. A list of recent... There was room for the strongman on that island? Do you not remember... This is like, to me, the like ESPN heyday broadcasting of it when you're like, here's a big man carrying a spherical rock on a very hot day. That was always on at like three o'clock in the afternoon. I think those were all in Mauritius.

Why? Because I don't know. So here's a list of the places, and if you can find a common thread between them, please tell me. We're going to ask about Mauritius while we're there, though, because that is a curious starting point. Mauritius has hosted it on multiple, or on one occasion. Sorry, one occasion. What are Mauritius' chief exports? Maybe that'll answer the question.

Pectoral muscles. That's probably important. Notchme, do they have a lot of seafood buffets to feed these men? Economy of Mauritius. All right. Uh, let's see. Kuala Lumpur. Sugar.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. No, this, this checks out. Um, Victoria Falls, Zambia has hosted it on multiple occasions. Valletta Malta hosted it in 1990. Hey. That's a real stupid place to have it, but okay.

It is hosted, oh, Valletta's hosted it at least twice. That's like a real crowded island the size of Knoxville. They followed up a trip through Sun City, South Africa by taking it to Wingate, North Carolina. What? Uh-huh. Then to Sanya, China, which is in Hainan. This is a organization that, forgive me, has invited me to be a correspondent for the weekend, but is also clearly trying to invade law enforcement on several continents. Putra Jaya Malaysia?

See? That came right after L.A. logically. This organization, I believe, is operated by Carmen San Diego. Followed up, by the way. Where is Carmen Zandiego? Looking for some big dump truck men. Looking fucking big-ass dudes is what she's up to.

Listen, Carmen San Diego often wants to steal things that, like, cannot be stolen. Like, it's like, Carmen, stolen statute of liberty. How would you do that? But she can't steal these butts because they got them from their daddies. It's her ultimate challenge. I think she's recruiting these boys to help to help loot. Like, how are you going to carry off, like, you know, all the clay soldiers? And you need a bunch of strong boys to do that for you.

Yeah. She's like, I got a, uh, I got a, uh, stunt for you that only the strongest could you carry the Great Pyramid like just for LOLs and put it in my vault. I see your vision. Yeah.

Gubshin. Commons made off with the Louvre. How did she do that? She has all the big boys. Eight big finish men named Toyvo. Our ten biggest boys are missing. They're in a tiny,

tiny, tiny island. Stealing it. Either that if she wanted a stable of boyfriends who all make love for two furious minutes and then turn into the biggest, warmest white noise machines you've ever seen in your life. The travel costs, though. My God. But all that snoring, they'd be easy to locate. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Yeah. How are you going to cheat when you're this loud? It sounds like having a kennel. It does. And all those, like, supplement farts, these guys are going to be easy to find. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall.

I am joined, as always, by Ryan Nanny, Jason Kirk. Hi. Holly Anderson, and on thought ones and twos, we have. Michael Serber. Hey, what do you think the British thought of King Ralph? The movie or the movie? I mean, they're offended by everything, so. Like, but this is one where I would kind of get it.

We made a movie where the entire royal family dies in an electrical accident. And John Goodman, who, if I remember correctly, has a packer's jacket for goofs, explicitly for goof. Yes, for brief goofs at that. There's not even that much mourning afterwards. And then we send over John Goodman, who I believe is wearing a Packer's jacket and a Bears hat. Or maybe it's a Cubs hat. We send our best. And there's a whole movie about how he goes over there and it's just like, well, he's your king now.

Eat shit. Like, what if Britain made a movie that was just like, oh, all of the entire American cabinet died in a, roller coaster accident and somehow some way it's uh leum galliger he's the president of the united states now i feel like that would be a hit you think so i think we'd be i think we'd be like you know fair enough we'd be like nothing lost no they'd be like the senate everyone in the senate died we'd be like i mean we made that show and we put key for sutherland in charge yeah i mean i think when it comes to like what if britain did this or that to us skill issue like they could just beating us at war if they wanted.

Yeah, sure, yeah. Or they could win a World Cup. What if we drank all your fucking tea? Yeah, they could stop inventing sports they suck at, maybe. But like, they had to be pissed, right? They're always pissed. Yeah, no, I think there was, I mean, listen, based on... Peaved, maybe.

First of all, King Ralph was probably the most popular three minutes in all of cinema in Ireland. Because the entire royal family died. And then they just left the theater. They're like, oh, that was a fine movie. I really enjoyed that. Short but good. Yeah.

Well worth the $5 I paid to watch it. Yeah. So it was probably very popular in Ireland. Also, probably in Scotland. They don't really, I mean, I imagine based on the one woman you'll always see on the internet who they're like, Margaret Thatcher's funerals today. What do you think, cranky-looking Scottish lady?

And she's like, I'd put a stick in her heart. Put a guy around her neck to make sure she did the cold. Come back, and the guy's like, isn't that a mean thing to say on her damn funeral? She's like, too bad, too bad. She probably fucking loved King Ralph. You're right. I, um, I hadn't thought about that. I admit that I had not considered.

Yeah, no, there were probably many, listen, what, King Ralph, King Ralph, King Ralph in India? Yeah, playing at the $1 and County Antrim. Yeah. Like, based on RRR and the six. excessive RRR, showing the British being humiliated and destroyed in the 1940s and 1950s or any vestige of the colonial apparatus being defeated at all, wildly popular, right? This is what you should do.

You should take figures from the past who did terrible things and kill them in movies. King Ralph, huge in France. No, France looks at that and they're like amateurs. Amateurs. Their monarchs died by accident. We'll show you how to kill a monarch. Right, right, that's true. We invented a whole machine that kills them.

Friends didn't see it. They're on vacation. Does it do anything else? Nope. No. But it's made with science and love. Cigarettes. He's cigarettes.

That's got to be a great moment for Monsieur Guillotine. Hey, man, what are they going to use that for? It had to be a crazy moment for him. Like, so what happened with my magnificent machine? They're like, yeah, we cut the kinks out off of it. you know as well it does so after plotting

the locations of the world's strongest man locations I can only conclude that they are looking for locations near water yes that's the only thing they have in common except for the one in the middle of China

and the one in Cesson's by a river in my opinion that's not going to cut it there's one in the middle of Hungary. That's also an outlier. I'm still working on this. I assume what they do. We could do with a few fewer strong men. I assume what they do is at the end of every year, they put the strong men to sleep, they put, fix an oxygen tank to their

face, wrap sort of, you know, wrap them in some sort of insulation, chain them all together, you know, sort of like a floating bob, and they push them out into the ocean and they sort of say, okay, wherever you wash ashore next, that's where we'll have the next. Oh, like the rubber-drawn encompass. Yes. And it's just sort of like, oh, well, they ended up here, so that's where we're having it. Yeah. Spencer, I think a river might actually count because the ones in and around Zimbabwe are very near Victoria Falls, for instance. Literally, if our flight theory holds true with Victoria Falls, they could just jump right in. They could just jump. I think that was also, by the way, they did Victoria Falls, so they could have the visual of

like gigantic waterfalls huge men lifting wagon axles you know like big wet boys the biggest the wettest boys running theme for a couple of weeks

lifting the heaviest objects there is no like natural place to do this like it doesn't matter like just put it way up it seems like it would be I guess so but that's expensive it's sort of it's sort of

It's sort of ridiculous no matter where you do it because it's just big boys lifting big things and that's not a thing where there is something sort of so old-timey about the world's strongest man competition that it like feels almost out of place. It's like watching somebody riding a penny farthing. Is it possible that you've answered your own question by indicating that it's not that it fits particularly naturally everywhere? it's that it kind of fits everywhere. Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

It's a poorly fitting universal adapter. It's like the circus. Like the circus doesn't make sense anywhere. Therefore, you can have the circus anywhere. I think Iceland is where it makes sense because just in terms of, my God, there is a lot of humidity on this map. We got numerous Florida's.

We got all sorts of Southeast Asia. Like, these big boys are going to be moist. and that's not ideal, usually, in terms of athletic performance sports-wise. Maybe we have this wrong. Maybe there are certain defense where they're like, you want them greased up. You want the moistest man to pull a plane. The moistest man to pull a plane. That's a different competition, the world's moistest man.

Are you a bad enough dude to overcome your own moisture? was a little bit different that year. The plane I was pulling was actually my father's love. And my own wet hands. And my own big wet self. My own wet hands. Yes, my own wetness. No, I think maybe if we are considered, by the way,

that these are all port or water adjacent because you have to float some of these dudes in. Have forth your Bjornson, probably you have to barge him, I think. He's probably a barge-based, like, operation, if I'm guessing. Yeah, like, imagine where are you going to put them on a plane? Right.

It's like when they bring King Kong. Oh, this is like transporting horses for the Olympics. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, by the way, I really love that, like, it's called fiction because you can have a fight

where there's half-forth York Bjornson on one side and Pedro Pascal on the other. That was a thing that Game of Thrones did and said, here, this is something that could actually happen. We can put these two in combat. yeah you could and then there'd be a result that's probably like the one in the show i was going to say it ended kind of predictably but game of thrones didn't make bad choices so i don't know what you're saying i know flawless television show otherwise totally accurate as well

it's totally realistic completely accurate on dead ice man rides dragon give me wear panthers Yeah, again, I'm sorry, I'm a sophisticate, I've watched True Blood, not going to do this again. We're not going to do this second. True Blood, a show that ended without disappointing anyone because there were no expectations. That show did the best thing. They alienated everyone who watched it before they ever got to the finale. I don't know if this is true, but if I remember correctly, True Blood is also based on a series of books, right? yes was there a like contingent of the audience that was like this isn't what happens in the novels

this isn't true to the author's mission i'm positive if we go on reddit we will find this the books are so much hornier how every you want to talk you want to talk about big sweaty boys Everyone in that show walked in and they looked like they had just walked out of you know like What is the A car wash? No what is the Matthew McCona Hay

John Grisham A Time to Kill They look like they had walked out of a time to kill Covered in like KY jelly Just like Oh Lord Big Wet Dead guys Sound like they're ready for world's strongest man

I'm ready to pull a plane for you I declare I could pull an airboat such as the condition in which your heart has placed mine I want to talk about true blood again stop it stop it okay we'll do it we'll do it next week another confusing thing for me on the world's strongest man is that my father is a competitor not my dad but he could be

his name is Eddie Hall which is my dad's name and it's great Welcome to Doc Spencer's dad It's great when you When you get news alerts for him Because it's like Eddie Hall deadlifts 900 pounds You know and you're like Dad You are fucking it up

And does it include the location? Yeah Eddie Hall doing crazy shit in Rachevik What were you doing in Tromso, Norway? Damn, son Yeah So it's a little It's a little confusing for me

on the Google alerts. Pleasantly confusing, though. When they're like, watch Eddie Hall eat 12 steaks for lunch. I'm like, I've seen that. So you have Google alerts for your dad? I do. I do. They were for the world's strongest man in the run-up at one point.

Eddie Hall was, you know, you have, I have some Google alerts that I have it taken off, right? So, like, I have some for world-strongest men, various ones, including Eddie Hall. This is back when he was trying to set a deadlift record. And he deadlifted a thousand pounds, and blood came out of his ears. Sure. I'm really asking, is that good? It's very bad. It's fucking awesome.

Within the context of the show, is that considered good? He's trying really hard. The blood or the lifting? The blood. Okay. Like, is that like, ooh, good effort. Yeah, it is good effort, and it is also really scary because not only did he have... Too good.

not only did he have blood just like true blood I mean I've seen there's a famous video of a guy named Larry Wheels and now we're getting way into like Strength Instagram Heroes

there's a video of an extremely roided out Larry Wheels which is the only kind of Larry Wheels there is deadlifting like a tremendous amount of weight and blood starts to come out of a part of his body up here like it just sort of a pipe burst

somewhere in his upper right shoulder quadrant and just blood starts to come out of him and you're like that's too much he's got trap stigmata based on larry wheels and eddie hall you could you could definitely get me in a game of cc position coach or world strongest man competitor spencer how many strong man google alerts do you have three seems like that's that's more than most i'm not judging you have do you have google alerts for anything but this heists uh so if there's a heist I get a Google alert for a heist

That was for an old project But now This is like charmingly old fashioned Now I just Every time there's a heist I hear about it What if there's a strongman heist Wait does that

You'll be the first to hear about the Carmen San Diego thing Does that mean a heist Committed by strong men Or a heist in which strong men are the target I have three of those And I have an alert for heists That's about it

I'm proud of you I didn't realize that Google alerts Were still like a functional thing That's kind of reassuring I said this to Holly the other day, and I said I wasn't going to say it to you, but now I feel like I have to say it to you. I take no responsibility for this. You have some really charming grandpa tendencies, and I have a Google Alert for Heist, is one of them. You know, it's like, I think we did that like six or seven years ago, and I'm like, this is a net positive in my life on the internet.

You should cherish those. They're very few and far between. Also, this is for a project that didn't get sold. So if you want a really thick folder of crimes, we have that. Just a big folder full of crimes. That's what it will help you get. Anybody want to buy our crimes database? Crimes organized strictly around whether we found them charming or not.

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They got to know where the boys float You can't you can't predict it You can kind of see like where's the tide Gonna go whatever But you don't know Until Mark Henry appears on shore somewhere There's no way to know We can't plan a thing

And then his incredible gravity I have one question I would like to raise That is kind of a call to the audience To the voicemail line Holly what's what's the I'm not This is not a bit. 704, server, is that right? 704.

Yep, SoulCast. ...ary accord. 704, that's a Charlotte Area Code for Mid-South Airlines purposes. SoulCast, S-O-L-C-C-A-S-T, Hale to Ra the Sun God. Thank you. So my question is this. Based on recent road travel and thinking about going on road trips more broadly, I feel like in the United States, we talk about and advertise bathrooms a lot on our nation's highways.

Best restrooms, cleanest restrooms, restrooms ahead. It's a big focus of when you're driving, here are where the toilets will be, and how nice they are. You're talking like a man who's just driven to Pensacola with an infant. That is exactly what just sounds like you've passed a few Buckeeses. Also correct. And I don't have any objection to this, to be clear. But in thinking about it, is the United States the only place that is like this? Like, if you travel through continental Europe, are you going to see a lot of signs that are like, oh, don't worry, sweet bathroom coming up.

W.C. All-A. Like, is this a uniquely American part of the public highway discourse? I think so, and I think it's based on car culture because, like, a lot of, in a lot of, like, say you're staying in a regular-ass hotel, not even a hostel in Europe, depending on where you are and how old the city is you're in, you might not even have a private bathroom in like a regular-ass hotel room in Europe. I think the, I think the baseline expectations around bathrooms are fundamentally different in places that don't have our huge car culture. I can only speak for Europe, though. I know that in former Commonwealth places, the bathroom is advertising worthy. You will see billboards advertising bathrooms in New Zealand, for instance. But New Zealand has a curious thing that I want to see if this is at all.

Let us know. They have a thing where they label everything, and I think that's a very British thing to do. For instance, you might just be out in the middle of the woods and there will be a sign on a tree. And you're like, what's that said? You look at it. It goes, tree. You look out. you know you might be walking down a path and there's like not just signs but signs that are

advisory signs so you will be driving and there will be a sign that says every i don't know 10 miles or so pull over take a rest are you sleepy and you go well that's consider it and then 10 miles later it's like you feeling okay buddy how you doing and i'm like this is this is a bit much so the over labeling of things is very real i think the american version is not just to over label but be like hey this bathroom it'll change your life yeah so so i guess what i'm i'm asking uh is if if you're a listener and you have traveled extensively abroad and you can let me know like is this is this a thing can you go other places and people are proudly trumpeting their restroom their public restroom facilities in the way that we do i'm just curious i can tell you what about

what about like taiwan i can tell you where this isn't the case and that would be China. I would love to find a sign in China that's like our bathrooms are awesome. I would. Because the experience otherwise is one of unending horror. One time there was a bathroom so bad, a German tourist that we were traveling with came out and goes, that bathroom is full of life. Life!

Yeah. But you've never heard a more... I've never heard that. You've never heard a more disturbing use of the word life than in a church. I used to despair before. Like a colonist on a new planet. Like there's creatures emerging. There are creatures in there.

Right? Like the kind of life the Whalen Utani Corporation wants to take back and study. That was the implication, the strong implication. So no, you will not see that in China. Okay. Good. This is helping. Thank you.

I appreciate it. Yeah. I have something. Two things. There's a theme to the things I want to discuss. This week, there are two stories, and they are interconnected. One is college football related. One is just, I think, football related, but also societally important.

It's going to get to that 42 minutes into the call. Let's kick off the show. Offensive coordinator for Ohio State Brian Hartline was involved in what is described as a UTV crash early Sunday morning this past week. According to the Delaware County Sheriff's Department's initial report, Heartline admitted to medics that he had been drinking prior to a crash. Heartline, the driver of the UTV, was laying on the ground when deputies arrived at the scene of the crash. Another male identified as Josh Gaylor of Lewis Center told law enforcement he was partially ejected from the vehicle.

But did not know if Hartline was ejected. Nobody seems to have been hurt. This was on his property and it took place when at 1 a.m. in the morning early 3.5. Sunday morning. Now, this is, I think, full cast relevant because it involves a drunken UTV crash allegedly. UTV, by the way. I don't think you can lose the allegedly at this point.

Side by side, side by side. Okay. All right. According to the sheriff's report, which, you know, that's a sheriff's report. Okay. All right. Be enough of a fake attorney with me, Ryan.

You're not a fake attorney. All right. Sorry. Yes. To be like, yeah, I don't. No, no, that's a police support. Prominent Buckeye's attorney, Ryan Nanny. Let's say some good things about it.

Let's come to the defense of poor beleaguered Ohio State. The only time Ohio State fans doubt cops, yeah. Back the blue. Except for this. Not like that. Blue? Blue. Yeah.

I think you mean the sheriff's department. Yeah. Regardless of the color of their uniforms, we back them. nevertheless. That should be one of those Facebook t-shirts that has the, you know, I'm a dentist

and I'm from Northwestern Ohio and I love my truck and if you don't like it just all these little provisos. Ohioans with like thin blue line shirts that don't you ever feel

conflicted about that? Yeah. Like no, it's a different from shade of blue, I assure you. I don't know, man. Why do you hate the police? It's called back to blue because you're always finishing behind them. That's right.

Numerous years in a row. In my opinion, we saw. What did you want to ask? What did you want to ask about this accident, Spencer? That one, like, this is to me one of the most SEC accidents ever in Big Ten history, or SEC incidents because it involves 1.30 in the morning. an atv slash utv right it's a side by side somebody's going to get me on that and we saw a couple people uh express astonishment at the hour no this is when you do this yeah this is this is prime

utving hours yeah this is also by the way his first season is the buck guys offensive coordinator yeah the time here is the time here is largely unremarkable in the context of the culture yes uh but this is but by far when you say how's your offense look and you go well Well, our offensive coordinator, you know, he got into an ATV crash. That gives me confidence, or is that just the Tennessee talking? I feel good. Like, that's soothing to me. I feel good.

We've got the rowdiest boys in charge of the offense. Finally, some outright aggression. They're not overthinking it. They're just letting it fly. That's right. That's right. You can't act with doubt. If you're in...

Let Brian be Brian. Is his name Brian? I just kind of figured it. Brian Hart. Yes, he is a Brian. Yeah. Let Brian be Brian. Yeah.

Let Brian Hart lie loose on an ATV. I just bumped Ohio State in my little, like, mental preseason rankings. I bet, you know, wherever they are, I'm ticking them up a notch or two, at least. They're number one in FPI, so maybe this is why. Yeah. The computers know. The algorithm saw ATV accident. It was like power magnifier plus one thousand.

Yeah. Thank you for getting, thank you for me just imagining an AI saying. Fucking Hill Jack computer. It's, y'all named it Hal, not me. Just, just somebody pouring like, like Dr. Publix or some sort of knockoff,

pouring like Mountain Lightning, some sort of Mountain Dew thing over the computer. And they're like, oh my God, you're going to destroy it. You're like, no, it needs this. I love Dr. Thunder, Dave. Thank you. I asked an AI named Holler.

Asked AI name Holler, GPD. would it felt. Holler GPD requires saturation with a sugary soda once every seven hours or it will start malfunctioning. Listen, Jason, your clock is starting now, but if you can successfully create Holler GPD, I'm confident you can sell it to Twitter for $10 million.

I only tell the truth. See, Google domains. Floyd, if you're, yeah, Floyd, if you could please pick up that domain for us. Thanks, buddy. Who could have known that Aquitian Hungerforce would generate the soul of the most honest GPT chat bot ever? $12 a year. Cheap or twice the price. Oh, GPT, tell me he's going to win Darlington this year. Wait, did we make an Oracle?

Yeah, that's yeah. Okay. Yeah. I guess depending on the state, we could. sell it as a fortune teller. Yeah. Yeah. We could 100% do this.

Man, it would be a lot funnier if Skynet was country as hell. Yeah, I'm going to blow this shit up. If F. Ray Terminator, they sent back in time, it's just like, every time you try to reason with it, whee! It doesn't say don't tread on we? It says don't tread on me? I'm nuking y'all. I'm starting over.

Get nothing but Terminators and big old trucks. I'm a simple man. And I love that song. Yeah, I do. If I just hear simple man playing

and I hear the creep of tires behind me. I need a down-to-earth girl that I can kill. Oh my God. It's Bro Country Legend T-2000. You know, it's that smooth mobility of liquid metal that allows me to flow back and forth between genteel pop racism and old country overt racism. That's what Luke Bryan actually is.

Do you taste the co-grate together. Luke Brian is a Terminator. A very doughy terminator. Don't make him too buff. They'll see you coming. Make him look normal, but super. naturally strong. Now, Luke, you know you're going to show up naked.

It's like Mama made me. Give me your clothes, your boots, and your Silverado. You know, you joke. I'm going to go out in the driveway tonight and, like, naked Luke Bryant's going to be there. I'm like, ah, we did it. We predicted it again. again, damn it. I thought you were just looking for good times,

not the death of all flesh of humans. He's in his Randy Travis phase. Wait, which hang on, which Randy Travis face? The other one. The other one. Randy Travis musical phase or Randy Travis extracurricular face?

Nicked in his underwear getting arrested phase. Okay. Server this predates you, but I do have, we do have a working theory from a long ago episode that Randy Travis is an alien sent to Earth to teach humans to love. only he's been here for so long that his wiring is kind of dry and cracked

and his programming's going a little bit Yeah That checks out Earth says he honky talk moon is actually about a bar That has had its roof shot out And that's why it's shining On my baby and me I'm gonna add up the ultimate

Them three wooden crosses Is actually just a marker point For the ship to land Yeah Yeah you get it This is my alternate theory Now that Randy Travis is the John Connor Of this thing

Right like he just keeps coming back like as a warning don't fall for Luke Brian's wild tremendous baritone warning warbling warbling a gorgeous warning while driving 80 miles an hour

the wrong way down the road away from the cops it's a metaphor that's why he was doing it that's why he was doing it can't trust anybody that's why he was doing it because it was a metaphor yeah

also what would listen what kind what kind of love does a time traveler have the kind that is that last forever and ever because he's constantly cycling in time that's true amen brother see the other vehicle based story that I wanted to talk about because there were two important ATV accents by the way to sum up Ohio State wins the national title this year I'm just I'm just going to put that out there um see there Ohio State stop emailing our bosses yes we don't have any don't have any Yeah, Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson

was involved in a scary situation over the weekend while playing golf in the Denver area. Boy, there's a sentence nobody's ever written before. Terror while playing golf in the Denver area. While the nine-time pro bowler was playing at Arrowhead golf course in Littleton, Colorado, his golf cart appeared to flip over near a bunker. It's unclear exactly what happened to cause the golf cart to flip. You ever flipped a golf cart?

I don't know how, but no He drove it up He drove it up to the edge of the fucking bunker Like an idiot And flipped it over He deserved what happened to him Yes And also and also drove it up

Not straight on Drove it at a weird angle Yeah and he fucked the bunker up It is the most pedestrian possible way It's the least metal way He could have flipped a golf cart Yeah If he could have flipped it forward

End over end he would have done that Server you sound angry about this Well yeah I am I'm telling you right now, Russell Wilson was not the only, was not the last person on the course that day. There were groups behind him. They come up. The bunkers fucked. The Rangers had to probably go rebuild the bunker.

If you turn over a cart in a bunker, that's a free drop. Those old dudes are supposed to do nothing but say, hey, get up here. And then that's it. That's their job. That's all they do. But like now they're going to have to go out there with all the young kids and help them with the bunker. Yeah. Probably close the hole.

I guess just put down a four. Just a treat. Put down a four. You know, you kids could stand to do a little more hole closing. That's what Russell said. This is too many people to deal with this. This is, no, this is exactly. Okay, so like, any time there's trouble in a golf course, they do this.

There are six people in this picture. Seven. Well, one guy's just looking. He doesn't count. Well, right, because. Supervazin. So, like, on a golf course when something goes wrong, I don't know if you've ever been on a golf course when, like, something goes wrong.

They'll be like, hey, don't, you know, hole eight, you know, it's, there's, don't go. Something's happening at a hole eight. Ghosts. Parallos. Ghosts. Ghosts. So naturally, what happens? You go to look, right?

Like, oh, yeah, don't go to hole eight. And you're like, walking right over there. It's the first thing I'm going to do is someone to go. Mm-hmm. And that's, I assume that's what happened here. Is that somebody was like, yeah, some idiot flipped to, like, imagine, you're over there. Someone's like, some idiot flipped a cart in a bunker. You're like, I'm going to go look at the idiot who flipped a cart in a bunker.

And then, y'all, it's Russell Wilson. I'm calling people. Hi, guys. Yeah. So there is a further, in the tweet that you've sent us, there is a further report that he was in the cart, but he was not driving. Oh, boring. But it says a teammate was driving. which feels like maybe some shit.

There's no fucking great. That's some bullshit. This is some Alex Murdoch shit if I ever heard it. Who on that team would play golf with him? I think we know Russ well enough to know the person who took the wheel was Jesus. Nobody wants it. It's a terrible driver. Russ is blaming Jesus here.

Yeah. They could have let this go, but now they're implying an even bigger lie of all, which is that anybody on that team wants to hang out with him. I love that he said, Broncos country, let's ride. And then there's a ride. Straight to the balker, baby.

This was on, here's the other thing. Brian Hartline was riding his UTV on a Saturday night. Late Saturday night, right? As one does. Russell Wilson's golf cart flipped on a Thursday in the middle of the day. Like, time and place matter for these things.

Yeah, because you know what? Brian Hartline was having fun. And Brian Hartline was on his property, right? He was on his property. Minding his business. Minding his business, engaging in his own, you know, maybe not thoughtfully wagered out foolishness, but still. Yes, yes.

And God, I bet that felt fun. Like, let's not leave that out of the story. When you're like, what does writing an ATV around in the dark at 1.15 a.m. with, you know, maybe a couple of drinks in your system. How does that feel? Incredible. That's the answer. It feels incredible.

Is it safe? No. It had to be really fun, though. how does this feel this probably feels like you're an idiot oh it 100% does now have you ever crashed a golf cart though I have crashed a golf cart what do you mean what do you mean crash to golf like what does that mean okay so there's not doors that full like you know what what are you talking about not not what not full inversion right did not not flip yeah we said we've established that

but but yeah there's not that much cart to crash is what I'm saying there's a dangerous Rubicon that you can cross when you realize that you can hit things with golf carts because then you just start hitting them because it doesn't really affect them very much. You can hit something with anything. Well, you can hit things with a golf cart and they'll keep working is what I mean. And then you can return them and then the next round, your recklessness is only doubled because you go, well, I hit someone with this golf cart and it was fine. I'm probably going to try to hit my friend again.

So you've decided. So at some point in your younger. times you decided that you decided that you decided that a golf cart was basically a bumper car without a restricted area i didn't decide that they're made that way no that's what you decided no it was revealed to me the true inner nature of the golf cart something that you refuse to see it's get an english degree so you can learn to use my third eyes closed your third eyes closed mine brother it's open the golf cart which decided to become a metaphor golf carts can is what I'm saying.

What did you do? All right, so how did you wreck a golf cart? If not called bumper, why no bump? Yeah, see? Wait. Yeah, fine. So the sport that I was asked to play when I was younger was golf, and I did not particularly enjoy it.

And occasionally my siblings were also in five day of the long, including my sister. My sister should never be at the wheel of any vehicle and drives like a distracted cat she will look at the road one minute and that's fine and then the next minute she will start crocheting while at the wheel of a car and not looking and this very much described her approach to golf carts

but her third eye was also open without you know some of us have to go through that process of oh you know the world actually doesn't have rules and some of us are just born with oh no fences I will behave accordingly that's my sister so my dad is yelling at me for golfing because that's what dad's do. Dad's just golf at, you know, you're just like, I don't know how to do any of this.

And he's like, golf! You know, and I'm like, this sucks. I hate this. And I think I might, I think I might know why you don't like golfing. I think you figured it out. I think we all figured it out real fast, Ryan. So, I'm sitting there, sucking. And my dad is attempting to do something very foolish.

which is enjoy a round of golf at the same time, not possible. You're a dad, your dad, you know this, it's not possible to enjoy an activity you're trying to teach a child at the same time. It's just not.

They're going to be doing the thing. You're going to be over here. That's different. And we're playing along. And my sister is, I hear we have two carts and I'm supposed to drive one. My dad's supposed to drive the other.

No one is supposed to be making the noise where you press the pedal down in here. at the time but I am getting ready to tee off from I don't know my ninth shot in the middle of the fairway and I hear and I look back and my sister mind you I'm about 12 at this time

my sister is 10 and she has the pedal down and the wheel bearing down at my dad in the cart he has to throw himself sideways out of the way she goes barreling down while my dad on the ground is going break

break so she hits the break it's a near accident okay we're not going to do that again but i thought you know that's interesting now i have to drive and she has to sit in the passenger seat we all have to behave my dad hits his shot he pulls the cart up he pulls forward i get in the cart and i've had a very bad time that day and um i get in the cart and i go emily watch this and my dad is getting ready to take off and right as he lets off the break i ram the back of his golf cart at full top speed causing clubs to go everywhere was beautiful absolutely stunning you goddamn monster yeah and i said oops and of like the least convincing oops in the world and then the round of golf was uh was canceled are you stopped we had to stop

yes i know we had to stop you were at the ninth at that point uh no i know i'm pretty sure we like the third. It was real early in the round. Oh, I wouldn't have stopped. See, that's what I was going to say is that what makes golf as a dad-child activity a little different than

other dad-child activities is you, dads will pull the plug on other things. Like, we just got to the beach, but it's going terribly. Fuck it. Pack it all back up. We just got to the baseball game, but you just dumped ice cream all over your sister. Nope, we're done. We're leaving.

Golf is the thing, where a dad will be like, we are going to play all 18 fucking holes, and I don't care if I hate every goddamn second of it. There is a start and there is a finish, and we will complete it. It takes a lot to pull a dad off the golf course altogether. It wasn't me. It was my sister. No, no, it was you. It was you. It was the presence of my sister. If it had just been me, that had happened multiple times, right, where we're like, we're going to have 18 holes, 18 miserable holes that both of us will fucking regret for the rest of our lives. The presence of my sister, too much, too much chaos.

She was the tipping point. I don't, I don't feel comfortable blaming her when she's not here to defend herself. I feel very comfortable blaming her. I'm sure you do. Absolutely. As the other culpable party, I'm sure you do feel good. It could be that all golf endures are dads. Yes, I think there's something to that.

Do you remember anybody with his mom out there? Like, we're going to play golf. No, because they have fucking sense. Yeah. We're going to stand out here in the middle of this toxic chemical spray grass runway. We have rampant misery at home. Yeah, with no shade, with two very pale children, we are going to drive you up and down this course. For no gain for anyone.

For 18. We're going to do it 18 times. We're not just going to do it once. We'll do this 18 times. Yeah, I am such a mom right now. Yeah. I want no part of this I'm not even going to begin with

At least with football you're like Well I don't know they get concussions but there's a clock It's gonna be over Yeah it's horrible It's horrible but it'll end You guys have the wrong approach Like I'm I become

For context we should probably mention that Serber like recently re took up golf No not re took it up for the first time I never played when you were little No I like had a cup in the backyard that my grandpa cut for me He took me one time to the driving range. I hit the ball really bad, got a little upset, and he was like, this isn't for you.

And then I never played golf again. Well, so you've talked about Hand on the Dirt about how you have been gearing yourself up to play as an adult. Therein lies my point. It does not matter what happens between Whole 1 and 18. It all matters what happens in the dressing room. As long as I am able to put on a brand new pair of like AirMax 90s or Jordans or something like that and a nice dry fit,

and I look good the rest of it is really it doesn't matter I'm putting a cooler I'm putting a cooler in the back of the cart to get drunk in the middle of the day while my wife is at work and I don't feel guilty

about it at all and I look really good for like four hours it's the only time I look athletic in my life now so we're going to look good feel good play good but we're skipping the last part get rid of the play good

not important this is the biggest distinction I think between golfing now engulfing in the 70s up until like 1995 probably what longer than that even like the time of the era in which Spencer was golfing and in which I was golfing as a team nobody looked good whether you had money whether you like cared about it a lot like everybody's shoes were fucking ugly everybody's polo shirts were itchy and sweaty and this included the professionals like you go back and watch like I don't know

the 1993 US Open or something you just be like look at all these fucking dorks they look at fucking stupid seriously they all they all look like people who were handed the 1978 J.C. Penny Men's casual section

and stranded in the middle of a sunblasted like a sunblasted uh future, like, graveyard. They look like four to church extras. Yeah. It's, it's like the idea, the idea that anybody would have looked at any golfer at that point in time, been like, oh, man, those shoes are great and I want them. Yeah.

It's bonkers. And I know that's not what we live in now, but. Yeah. No, the game of golf did nothing to hook me. It was merely the, an extension of finding a new fashion. to be infatuated with. Sure. And then the golf just kind of comes along with it, and I do that.

I like the opportunity to, oh, I can buy a golf bag that I like, too, that I think looks cool. It's really just like, I hadn't bought clothes in a really long time. The Chuck Taylor's I have are from my senior year of high school. Wow. That's some endurance. I've always had a lot of Chuck, so they get rotated. Oh, okay. So, Server, what you're saying is that to take children out on a golf course, what I should do.

is, or what any prospective father to defeat children on a golf course. Make sure you should have like, make sure you should get drunk. Mm-hmm. Don't get the children drunk. Get them a little drunk.

A little drunk. As your lawyer, I must advise you. Here's what you do. Here's what you do. Get an EU passport. Doesn't have to feel. It just has to be believable. That way, when the marshal comes over and says, hey, what's going on here? Put on your work.

stack set and be like, oh, in my country, we let an 11-year-old. Bongiorno. If you're off the slava, we let child get dippled. Four extremely nondescript but fringed mini flags to put on the corners of your part and claim diplomatic immunity. I mean, if all these just a little bit of subpoena in the bobby bottle. Bringing back, like, child labor, like, fuck it, man. If you're 14 years old, you put in 10 hours at the factory, you get a fucking drink.

Let the girl smoke. Let the girl smoke. We're bringing back child labor. Let kids smoke. Hey, smoking's cool. Kids are lame nowadays. Make them cool. Look, we're never going to make smoking look uncool,

so we're going to have to fix this in other ways, okay? Objectively, smoking is probably the coolest thing you can do. Yeah. You know, it's not cool? Vaping. Bring back smoking. Absolutely. Hello to all the parents who let their kids listen to this in the car.

We have repeatedly warned you about this. We are your friends. cool uncle kids if you take the pack of marlborough reds and roll it up in your sleeve it will look awesome you can't guarantee your parents smoke and they're just better at hiding it than you are right now yeah you may lack self-confidence and self-worth but you know it's going to make you feel better in both those departments operating a lave smoking smoke while you are doing so yeah i could smoke while you're smoking you know you think i'm joking you think i like i think i'm joking but like no no we're not if i if i went out on a golf course with both of my children

and I had a 12 pack of beer One of them would be like one of them At least one of them would be like Let me wet my beak father Just one, just a little Some Some Ron DeSantis staffers Listening to this and it's like

Serbers pro golf and smoking We should get him on the campaign I like the way this guy thinks I'm going to attack Disney World With a bunch of angry smoking toddlers Also sounds like he's got a handle on fashion Which we could also use real fucking help with That's where they really

need me so that's it child labor golf course got it is it okay we've been a lot of people have asked us about um what our uh future merch plans are for the the store and we've we've you know we've listen we've got a lot going on i don't intend to answer all those questions right now but i'm just i just want to tosses out there is it technically illegal for us to sell uh to sell like little flags that we say can put on cars and give you diplomatic immunity? No. Okay. Is it technically illegal for us to promise diplomatic immunity?

I mean, Dipset got away with it. That's what I'm asking. Do we have the confidence of them? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I do. Yeah. I don't know.

Okay. I don't have the confidence of Dipset, no. I don't. I don't either. I didn't say it was earned. Few do. Right. I didn't say it was earned.

but I feel like I could get there. Okay. As an expert in Jewel Santana law, I say yes. I feel confident. Okay, what about like diplomatic parking passes? You know, one billion's episodes. Chances are we can actually find a country

that will be willing to partner with us. Texas A&M would do it. We just tell them we're Saudi. Y'all, okay, Serber, you've been gone all day. You have heard who is trying to buy the commanders, right? All right. So let's walk through what happens here. Ryan, go ahead. So Dan Snyder announced, I don't know, a couple months ago that the commanders,

I didn't announce it, but let it leak that the commanders were being put up for sale. A bunch of different names sort of popped up. Actually, not actually for anything is the fucked up part. Like this is, this very much seems to be maybe he's getting pressured to do this, but it's not a forced sale that the NFL is making. which they have done in other circumstances and which other leagues have done as well um bunch names come up jeff bezos his name comes up tillman for tita's name comes up tillman i think says that he put an offer in for five and a half billion dollars and but told them that was his

max and he wasn't going to go higher than that he bought the rockets for i want to say two billion if that sounds familiar i don't know could be wrong So then finally, this multi-ownership group that includes the guy who I think is the majority owner of the Philadelphia 76ers announced that they've reached terms with Dan Snyder to buy the team for $6 billion. And then a mystery bid comes in late. It is Tuesday, April 18th, by the way, as we're recording this. And this was what last night? The mystery bid came in last week Like this was all announced

I want to say like Wednesday or so And the mystery bid All right this was last week's thing that happened Right after the full cast Yes The mystery bid came in like Thursday or Friday or something like that And it was rumored to be at least $7 billion So a full billion over what

The deal Dan Snyder was prepared to take It came from And it also was not contingent on any financing It was more or less somebody showing up and saying, like, I'd like to buy your house and I have an all-cash deal to offer it. It was probably Frank Langella. The person who is fronting this deal, I have to look up now. It's another Brian.

Brian Davis? Brian Davis. Yes. What do we know about Brian Davis kids? Brian Davis is a former Duke Blue Devil. and um today who was it that came out with the new who was it that came out with this holly i forget who who actually said that where this money baby coming from looks like darren haines okay oh hey and um and darren jane's has reported that this money is may in

in fact, all be coming from the Saudi Sovereign Fund, the same fund that is propping up LiveGolf and now is like trying to buy one of the most known that feels like the most neutral word I can use franchises in the NFL. Most public. One of the most NFL. Most extant. Yes, one of the most NFL franchises. Most present, definitely present.

I can't decide if it would be funier for the Saudi Royal Fund to control the football team in our nation's capital or for them to buy it and move it to Dubai. What is particularly darkly delightful about all of this is that once... Dubai is not in Saudi Arabia, by the way. Don't at me. It's just where it's going to go. Once the first deal was announced, lots of people, rightfully sell, we're like, all right, well, here's, you know, the deal on this new owner. but no matter what

it's better than Dan Snyder and in swoops about that which like there's no nice way to put this the journalist who was beheaded in Saudi Arabia was a writer for the Washington Post

was a reporter for the Washington Post wasn't he yeah what do you think the asterisks and the disclosure stories in the Washington Post for this are going to look like I, on the one hand, I am sure the NFL doesn't want this to happen because, because it's messy, because it's like inconvenient and annoying. And, like, I think most of the reason why they have been angling to get new ownership of the Washington franchise is because Dan Snyder is messy and annoying. And it doesn't really make sense to sort of just like trade.

that for an even bigger problem that you can't do anything with. Maybe the Saudi Royal family is going to own a football team. Maybe not. I'm leaning probably not. I think the reason the NFL wouldn't want this, this part looks like it was reported by front office sports since we're, since we're accrediting organization suddenly. I think the reason the NFL wouldn't want this is people would say, ooh, like the golf thing. they would sound like a second rate sports venture right right that would be the

embarrassing thing not you're right that would be way more of a deterrent for them than anything else no it make those September 11th games really fun though god yeah there's that so what kind of a tribute to 9-11 are we doing oh against against okay right Um, on the other hand, Dan Snyder doesn't have to sell this football team and has said previously, like back in December, that $7 billion is the number that he wants. And he already hates basically every other owner in the league and has been allegedly spying on them and threatening to dig up all this dirt and expose whatever. Like he clearly has no bridges left to burn. I have a hard time believing that he would say, you know what, it would be smoother for everyone else if I just took the $6 billion and did the thing that was nicer and less dramatic for the NFL as a league.

Like, I don't think Dan Snyder gives a shit about that. I think he'll take the $6 billion offer if another billion dollars from somewhere else can magically show up for him. But I don't think he's about to just turn down a $7 billion offer because it causes the NFL a PR problem. But it's not just up to him. Yeah, can the NFL just do it like, oh, no, now you're owned by all of us. The franchise is owned by the rest of us. I think the NFL could technically do. I don't know. I'm just talking out my ass here.

But I think, like, that is a thing the NFL could do. I feel like that's what happened with, I want to say, the New Orleans Hornets franchise? Ethetically, rather than yes. Wherever they were. Wherever they were at the time. Yeah, the Hornikins. I would at least be aesthetically interesting because it would be, well, how could this Commander's franchise get more generic?

Right. Oh, we have your answer. We're going back to football. Here come the cheerleaders all wearing the Roblo NFL hat. So, yeah, it's nothing about this. this stupid franchise can ever be normal. Like, has there ever been a sustained period

in the last 25 years where it was just like, yep, just normal times with Washington? No. No. They're always having something like, if things get quiet and successful for a while, then they mysteriously

sign an overweight injured veteran for five times as market value. Wow. Albert Haynesworth being unnecessarily here. I assume that's who he's talking about. Well, to your point, though, to happen with Dana Stubblefield, too.

Sure. It is just a rotation. Sure. No, that's it, man. Dan Snyder loved nothing, if not an overpaying veteran talent, which veteran talent, like, knew to the point where it was a running gag,

like, oh, you're going to sign with Washington. Good job. Also, it's far from an insult for this podcast to point out. A big guy got money. just to lay around. Yeah, that's what we're all about. Salute. Big dudes getting paid for being prone.

Or a sewage pipe would burst. Or there'd be a story about how they were trying to sell mattresses owned by a Dan Snyder company at the game or whether they were going to, you know, concessions are closed, but you can still get meals at Johnny Rockets in the e-concourse. Like, just every bit of insane nickel and diming and wealth extraction. it's amazing that somebody treated their own franchise like an extractable resource

that Dan Snyder just mined it for value until there was nothing left the fracking kings of the Washington Bayou he fracked his own franchise kind of all he did is just wait though like he just bought it didn't give a fuck weighted on it to become far more valuable and then left that's it

he crockpotted it yeah yeah and like the entire time in addition to all this shit like numerous scandals having the most racist name in like sports history like just just an incredible tenure the stadium literally falling apart not only the stadium falling apart the stadium causing players to fall apart yeah and stadium alternatives where it was like okay so now the Washington friends franchise is going to be closer to Baltimore than the city in which it's actually named? What? That's sick. Give Baltimore two NFL franchises. It deserve it.

Move the charges there, too. Move the, yeah. We can buy all the zoo baza and we will wear them all the time. Baltimore's been through a lot. Steve Spurrier got paid, though. Move the Colts home. Yep. That's out. I like people say that, you know, this is verifiable

that Steve Spurrier was a failure as an NFL coach, but he has a lot of company. Everyone else who coached for the Washington franchise was a failure as well. I think Steve Smirier also recognized. Like, I think it's entirely possible Steve Spurrier took this job because he recognized, oh, this franchise is too stupid to not hire me. And so I might as well take their money for as long as they'll give it to me. I love that.

To Spurier's credit, too, one, he left money on the table by leaving because he said his give a damn was broke. only football franchise keep in mind this man later coached south carolina he coached duke and south carolina his give a damn also broke in south carolina no his give a damn definitely broke that last year may have been irreparably damaged before he got there yeah he got them to a point of success and then his give a damn broke that's true yes listen stephen garsia will put third degree burns on anybody's give a damn and he and he glided right through that baby like like on to the next.

Well, the Washington franchise absolutely broke his give a damn. And two, Steve Spurrier also made sure that nobody worked too many hours. So in terms of reducing exposure to the evil of the Washington football franchise, Steve Spurier was doing a lot of good there. He's like, yes, five o'clock go home. No one needs to be around this crap. The give a damn restored in 2019 for as head coach of your AAF champion Orlando Apollo. An inspired turn as the head coach of the Orlando Apollo.

Steve Spurrier and Mike Shanahan both had finished with the exact same winning percentage. See? At Washington. Fucking terrible. 375, but that's what they did. The mastermind, Mike Shanahan. Oh, suck it. Spurier's got your record.

Yep. But that's, all right, since you're looking, who is, of all of the people, every time they hired somebody it sounded hilarious that's how you know a franchise is a joke when you go who's a coach and you're like Jim Zorn yeah sure sure where do you want to start who had the best winning percentage of any coach

in team history no under under Dan Snyder's tenure as oh okay so when does Dan Snyder buy the team 997 95 it's like in there well let's see this is an answer This is an answerable question.

There is no answer. When do you think? 1999. So let's say 2000 is the first year that he has that level of control. The coach, hold on. I'm sorry, this is not good audio, but I'm working on it. What? Norve Turner's the coach that year.

But Norve Turner is a holdover. So he doesn't get credit for Norv. The first coach that he hires is Marty Schottenheimer in 2001, who goes 8 and 8, which is, like, pretty, pretty respectable. Marty Schottenheimer doesn't coach another season after that. I'm trying to figure this one out. Broke. Because I don't remember why that happened.

Oh. Because he took the Chargers job. Because Dan Snyder fired him after one season. to hire Steve Spurrier instead. Marty then went on to the Chargers where he had two 10-win seasons. Didn't we all? Great choice.

So, right. So Marty Schottenheimer before this had been working it on ESPN, and he criticized Dan Snyder for being a meddlesomeowner. Then Dan Snyder hired him. Then he fired him to hire Steve Spurier. Okay. So, Steve's where then goes 375. After that, it is, is this Joe Gibbs comes back? That's Joe Gibbs. It is Joe Gibbs. But you know what? You don't get credit for that because that wasn't, you just like called your dad's friend. That's not somebody that you really came up with. So that doesn't count. Okay. Can we cover the NFL if we're outlaw and calling your dad's friend?

Yeah, that eliminates like three quarters of the labor force. I just, I guess I mean, like, you don't get particularly, nobody's like, wow, what a brilliant hire that was, to bring back a coach who had already succeeded with your franchise well before you were involved with it. After Joe Gibbs, we jumped to Jim Zorn. I'm going to say that Jim Zorn had the best record side unseen. There, that's my guess.

Even that Joe Gibbs era, I think, is a losing record on the whole. So, like, even bringing back the legend didn't work. Let's see. That, Joe Gibbs in his time. 30 and 34. I had a 469 record he has. Okay. For somebody who coached more than one season in that pit of absolute despair,

he has the highest winning percentage. So in Joe Gibbs' initial run with Washington, he had one losing season. They went seven and nine in 19. 1988, and the rest were 500 or better, including three Super Bowl wins and an NFC title in there as well. And when he came back, he had two losing seasons out of his four years. So, yeah. Joe Gibbs is probably the best still, even with that, at least for now. Then you get to Jim Zorn. Jim Zorn gives way to Mike Shanahan. All of these coaches, Mike Shanahan, Jim Zorn, and Steve Spurger,

all finished with the same winning percentage, all 375s. Like, completely irrelevant. And completely different as coaches go, too. These are the dumbest hiring practices. This is literally, if you go in order, it's literally, like, guy who was there, TOTI, old guy, flashy guy, Yep. Old guy.

Yep. Tody. Wait. Old guy. Guess who's coming up next. Someone's brother. Jayruden. You couldn't get Sylvester Stallone.

It is someone's brother. And you got Frank Stallone. He's in a long time. Jake Gordon is there for 85? He's there so much longer than I remember. He's there for 85 games. He finishes with a 418 record. And that brings us to the current coach, Ron Rivera, who through 50 games, is

at 450. So I guess Ron Rivera is maybe. No, it's Marty Schadenheimer at 500. Oh, you're right. It is Marty Schenheimer. It's still Marty.

Yes. Best hire that Dan Snyder made was the first one and the one he bailed immediately on again to hire Steve Sparier. Yeah. That's amazing. It's pretty good run.

And that doesn't even get into draft decisions, like free agency, all this bullshit. Like, just a miserable, stupid franchise. Because think about also in this time span, how many other franchises have, like, ridden the normal wave of,

we're terrible, we're good, we are, you know, we make changes, we grow, we suck. Like, they all have, even the Jets in this time span, go to multiple AFC championship games. Even the fucking Jets have moments where they're like, we are good at football. The Jaguars have had like three rounds of being really good in this time. Correct.

Correct. And Washington's fucking clueless. Who's had more winning seasons? The Lions are Washington. In their history? Since 2000. This millennium. You guys don't have to look.

I will look. I just wanted to pose the question. Let's look. This is important to look. So here's the tricky thing. Washington part of why Washington is the way it is

they don't have a ton of terrible season they don't do the Browns thing where they're like oh we won two games Washington is what the Rams were for so many years where it's just like oh they went 7 to 9 oh they went 6 and 10 so they never accumulate

they never benefit from any draft capital and they're always sort of like pushing late in the season for no goddamn reason and they're always just stuck in the middle. Like, this is what, honestly, this is what the Milwaukee Bucks were for years before Janus turned into Janus. And, like, that's not going to happen for a fucking NFL franchise.

It's just not. So I suspect you will find many more Washington winning seasons than Detroit winning seasons. I know. It's Detroit. Is it? Is it? Oh, my God. Or, excuse me, seven to five, seven to five.

Detroit had a winning season last year at 9 and 8. damn Jesus I all of a sudden realized I was like wait the lions are so bad but I think when Matthew Stafford

and Calvin Chats were there they accomplished more than Washington has accomplished in 23 years winning season was 8, 7, and 1 in 2016 when's the last time they won a playoff game?

They haven't won more than 10 games they last won a playoff game Joe Gibbs' Super Bowl in 1991. No, there's another one in there. Oh, wait, wait, wait. There's a wild... Yeah, there's a 2005 wildcard win.

Yeah, Joe Gibbs got him a win. It's both for Gibbs. That's still 17 years ago that they won a wild card game over a John Gruden Bucks team. Yeah, they haven't won a playoff game. A late Gruden Bucks team. A bad John Gruden Bucs team. Yeah. Fallen Gruden.

A Chris Sims Gruden Bucs team. team. They haven't won a playoff game without Joe Gibbs since 1972. So again, about taking this team into government receivership. Yeah. That means that they can no longer do things. Like, for instance, in 2006, they sold September 11th commemorative hats for the fifth anniversary. I get pro or anti?

Good question. The hats were black commander's hats With a red, white, and blue Pentagon patch on the side They sold for 2399 There was no mention of the profits going to any 9-11 charity and no other team sold any other kind of commemorative 9-11 merch that season Vince Lombardi coached this franchise And finished with a negative point differential

This is the same year they were caught selling surplus peanuts from a bankrupt airline at games What? No, no, no, I don't know about this. Tell me everything. There are scandals within scandals. Tell me everything about this. Season ticket holder Jim O'Brien noticed that the bag of peanuts he bought it a game.

It's decorated in royal blue and white instead of the team colors. And it had the logo for Independence Air emblazoned on it. The problem was that Independence Air went out of business in January of that year. And that the shelf life for a bag of peanuts is three months, nine to 12 months, at the least. I'm sorry that I'm too good at business. This is my favorite Washington fact. I'm going to tell everyone this.

That's the absolute best. That's beautiful. What a world. Yeah. What a rich tapestry we inhabit. Yeah. Anyway, maybe the Saudis own this franchise now. Good luck.

Because can you imagine what whoever owns this will find when they, like, get into the literal and computer files and be like, oh, my God. It's all on floppies, damn it. They have so much porn on site. Why do they have so much porn in their offices? Entire HR department is run on Dino Park Tycoon. I should explain some things. By far the coolest thing, Dan Steiner ever did. I was going to say, also having an HR department is the big assumption there.

What also, unfortunately, gets lost now is that Dan Snyder is just going to be out there with at least $6 billion. Yeah, and he wants part of the deal to be a get-me-off-the-hook clause. It's a lawyer word. He wants to be agendipity. I'm sure Ryan could explain that word. And that's the $7 billion offering. The $7 billion offer includes a full indemnity, a full indemnification that basically says...

I'm going to find bodies? He's going to have like... So does this full cast. He's like, I have full legal immunity in Saudi Arabia. He's just leaving. Shut down full indemnity. I'm a prince now. Yep.

Amir Dan Snyder. Amir Dan. They're going to find some shit in the basement. They're going to find D.B. Cooper's money.