Shutdown Fullcast - The Mount Rushmore of Notre Dame losses

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

Yup, the Fighting Irish made it to a big game and got killed, a thing that has happened so many times before that we got to revisit several regular season and bowl game failings by Notre Dame before we even started to talk about the most recent one. Playoff Like A Champion Today! Other topics include: 13:27 - Die Hard explains the Playoffs, kind of, not really 17:03 - If you’re a Gamecock fan just skip like three minutes ahead at this point 19:33 - Nope, not here for your playoff complaints 24:42 - Hey, why did Georgia miss the playoff again? 27:29 - Spencer taunted a Michigan child 37:04 - Farewell, Mark Richt / Bienvenue, Ryan Brothers Farting On Boats (Yeah, we recorded that entire last segment within the 9 hours where Mark Richt had retired and Manny Diaz had not yet taken the job.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. We're recording this on, uh, what, December 30th, 2018? That's a good estimate. Thereabouts. It means a few things just happened. That means that, um, well, we got to add to a list, an illustrious list, a curated list. It's like a wine list at this point. There are the big buy the glass ones that everybody knows, but there's some vintage stuff back

there, you know, way down in the basement, then I don't know. Maybe you pulled off a shipwreck. I'm supposed to go to Napoleon, right? It's just been sitting there since like 1848. Maybe it's something really, really super curated. Like, I don't know if I was just going to spoil where we're headed. Like the time Notre Dame lost to Tulsa. Yeah, man. Holly, this was the best question I thought we could lead off with, and you were the one who suggested it. What is it? Well, Spencer, at some point last year, and I don't remember the reason why, I just started a thread of favorite Notre Dame losses because it turns out that Notre Dame does unite the nation. It is America's team in that everyone in America has a favorite Notre Dame football loss. you know some of the some people are partial to the

the last time Notre Dame ran up into the playoffs we all remember what happened there Nick Saban buried them all screaming and pad of the dirt with his little child size spade some people are partial to the 587 lost to Miami and Jerry Faust last game where as you pointed out Jimmy Johnson ran up the score with his third string

which I believe I have heard Jimmy Johnson quoted as saying what was I supposed to do my third string was good my personal favorite is 2007 Navy that would be the Ram Vila game where he like they launched him like a cruise missile across the line of scrimmage at poor Evan Sharpley and I forgot about this until Kit Wren reminded me last night Lou Holtz went on TV after this game

and said I think it's just graceful that Navy put so much energy into their football program, they should be studying ships. But last night, being bored in the second playoff game we saw, being very quickly bored by the second playoff game, we decided to bring this thread back. And it's amazing how far you can go through this without finding a repeat.

Did anybody have Notre Dame, Michigan, um 2011 i feel like that was in there but there were also a couple that i had never heard of uh they lost to i had forgotten about the tulsa loss at home in 2010 which is up there with the second one that i learned about that was a new favorite which is apparently a loss to perdu at some point i don't remember that yeah i vaguely remember that the us afloss is also a great one they consider Purdue a rival. So it gets even more shameful. It was 99,

third and goal and down by five points. Purdue sack the quarterback to run out the clock. Thanks to alert reader Ismail Mustafa for pointing that one out. October 30th, 2010, is that Tulsa one, by the way. G.J. Kinney's finest hour. They converted on third and 26. You know, and I probably should say this.

It was a 2827 win for, you know, the Golden Hurricane. If I can remind everybody, they weren't playing Tulsa. Nope. Nope. Whole generation of Tulsa football players got to go onto the same grass that Rudy probably cut and sold on eBay just last week for extra cash. Yeah. Another favorite one that I was not aware of, 1976.

Georgia Tech beat them in the rain running the wishbone and not throwing a single pass. Notre Dame had only one loss at that point to eventually. national champs pit. Tech finished four and six. This feels like the official shut down forecast Notre Dame loss. Yeah, can we do an oral history of anyone who is still alive from this game?

Yeah, absolutely. Or if you're still alive from the USF game, too, because... I mean, how many USF students are still alive from that? Is Brian Kelly still alive from that game? Oh, thanks to Mike Billups, by the way, for putting that one in our eye line, because I don't think that one came up at the last thread.

I would say the biggest, by the way, the biggest, like, banger of these would be LSU Notre Dame, the Jamarcus Russell game. All I remember, gave us number one draft pick, Jamarcus Russell? Yes, the one that gave us the moment where Troy Smith and Jamarcus Russell were on the sidelines of a game the next year being interviewed there at the same game. And Jamarcus Russell was wearing the biggest cougars. sweater I've ever seen in my life with a medallion over

it, like this huge ghost face style medallion. And they asked Troy Smith, you know, I think it was Chris God, what's his name? He's for Fox. He's perpetually clueless. And it goes like this. Side line. There could be so many people. It is, it is.

But he asked him, he goes, what do you think of this sweater and this medallion? You're talking about the haircut who asked the Iowa player about America? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That guy. He asked, he kind of barges into this interview. He asked these two, these two like, you know, fresh out of college NFL guys like, hey, what do you think of this sweater and this medallion? And Troy Smith looks at it, looks at him and goes, I think it's very representative of Alabama. Wow. One of the best on-air answers I've ever seen. The other thing about asking people for Notre Dame losses, it draws in, when I say it unites a nation, I don't just mean college football nation, it draws in people who clearly have no interest in the games themselves, by which I mean gamblers.

I had one answer from reader Greg that was just this. You know, these people who come in and they speak as though the 2013 national championship game was news, Greg says the championship beatdown. where they came in as number one, but we're plus 10 in Vegas, Bama covered. Cold. Also, there was a football game. That's like somebody going and going, man, male, mid-30s, great heart rate. Apparently, in 1926, Rockney blew off the game with Carnegie Tech to scout an upcoming opponent, and Carnegie Tech beat them 19 to nothing.

Yeah, this was Notre Dame blew a title shot because Newt Rockney was too lazy. Didn't care enough about it. Do we know Notre Dame's all-time win percentage against Yukon? One second? Please vamp.

It's a whole bunch of aughts. Is that 0-1? Oh, and 1. 2009. Man, that's what Joe Biden grabs podium worth the win. To the ultimate, the perfect Yukon record, of course, eight and five. I'm not going to look it up.

I'm assuming that's the best record in school history. What could really, what could be better? I think it was Matt Brown was talking in the night. 2009 was such an underrated season in terms of insanity. If only for that, right? If only for that and for, you know, like the longest, most miserable, like, doesn't I get to, let's see, 2009. And that's, that's an Alabama year.

Because remember for the last 10 years, you're like, is it an Alabama year? or not Alabama year. It's one of those. It was one of the first Alabama years, though. We didn't know what we were getting into. Let's also not forget that Notre Dame is 0 and 2 all time against Oregon State. Oregon State. See, this is such a rich tapestry that

I must have scrolled past 50 responses in this thread before you get to the first mention of the Bush Push. Where is the, what is this thread? Is this on Twitter or something? Oh, yeah, this is last night I just, it was like a quarter into the Bama Oklahoma game and I was kind of getting a little bit restless

and I said, is it too early to just start playing what's your favorite Notre Dame loss again? And apparently, according to the internet, it is not. It is not too early. Like Dolly's Christmas. It is possible that Bama was playing the same game amongst themselves at this same time. Yeah, it actually would explain a lot

about what happened later. In two games against Oregon State, Notre Dame's average scoring differential is negative 24.5. So room for improvement. So schedule them. Let's see.

The first one was 32. The second one was 17. At this rate, their next game against Oregon State, they'll lose by a, what is that, too? Oregon State needs to, like, just come up with a traveling trophy for Notre Dame and just say, like, yeah, we've held it. We've held

it. Look at this. Oh, the the silver beheaded orphan. Yep. Got it right here. Irishman who we eat. Also, I would like to give some love to the two Notre Dame fans I saw who were cruising through the Fred being like, yeah, this is kind of fun. This one, no, this one's real good.

Those are true historians. You have the correct opinions, sir. So who, so where are we putting 30 to 3 on this list? Hey, that's a great question, Ryan. Hi. So Alex Kirshner blogged, as he always does, constantly. He's never not blogging. He did a blog on Notre Dame's lost eight straight big bowl games. This is sort of a big picture look at this. You know, the losses to Yukon and Tulsa, those are awesome. We all love them. But at the big picture level, every time over the past 20 years, 23 years that Notre Dame has gotten into an actual bowl game of any substance. They lose, usually really, really badly. And he has 30 to 3 second behind only the BCS title game. But my resume was so good.

This is so good that 41-9 to fucking Oregon State is only fourth. Notre Dame, we're cold, Oklahoma. As long as it, can this be a group project? Isn't football the ultimate group project? Is there extra credit? No, they're the ones who didn't sign up for the group project. That's their whole problem. If you'd only gone in with the ACC.

No, no, doing ourselves. Do it ourselves. No, you'll drag down my score. In the interest of some fairness, I would like to say, fuck everybody who is saying, based on how Notre Dame played against Clemson, they shouldn't have been in the playoff in the first place.

Because they are missing, they're missing, like, the most obvious problem with that, argument and that is and i think roger sherman maybe put it as agitating to fire a coach who are you going to get it's it's not even that it's imagine the counterfactual world where notre dame didn't make the playoff maybe it's because we're back in bcs land and only two teams made it and those two teams were albama and clumson maybe it's because we decided uh you know george is getting that spot instead of notre dame because we think conference championship appearances matter we'll get

to that. Because Kirkkirb Street's in charge. Mm-hmm. Do you really want to live in a world where Notre Dame gets to piss and moan for literally ever about the year where they went undefeated against a perfectly respectable schedule?

A lot of the teams they played were not as good as they usually are. Stanford had a down year. USC had a down year. Et cetera. Michigan had a Michigan year. Do you want to live in that world where they just, like, like, every, for years, everybody just pissed and moaned about, why can't we settle it on the field? I don't trust these computers. They're watching me piss. And, and now we have. I don't have a, I don't have a Facebook account, so I wouldn't see me that anyway.

Listen, all I'm saying is we settled it on the field. Isn't it better this way? Spencer makes a great point. Spencer makes a great point re-Facebook, but, yeah, I got to agree with Ryan's overall argument here. I just, how in the world did we get to the point we're seeing Notre Dame get its ass kicked in is a bad thing? Yeah, this isn't that, when you clock in for a college football season, isn't this number one on your bucket list? I want to see Notre Dame humiliated in the biggest possible way. Well, guess what? That happened. Why aren't you happy?

What is your favorite? What is your favorite? What are you going to be happy too? You'll always be creepier about Jesus than Clemson. Take that trophy. What is your favorite death and diehard? I think it's probably mine, and it's the lawyer, right? It's the lawyer?

The cocaine snorting dude in the executive one. Ellis? Yeah. How's this? Harry Ellis, I'm sure, has a law degree. I mean, that wasn't going to be my answer. My answer was going to be the cocky FBI agents in the helicopter. Well, I mean, that's pretty good.

Helicopter death is super big in the 1980s and 1990s, right? And I feel like that more is Oklahoma in this example. We're like, don't worry, we got a helicopter guns. We'll be fine. We can call it out. Helicopter death. 19. More helicopter death.

If you're dying a helicopter, you've died well. I think that's a good life rule. In Oklahoma, you died well. You died well. You died. They really did. They really did. Like, you're sitting there going, yeah, man.

behind Kyla Murray's just he's not going to make it but this is spectacular keep going Carl I am realizing now that Carl the like main sidekick villain the blonde one kind of look yeah kind of looks like Trevor Lawrence

I was thinking he kind of looks like that Michigan State Rocky kid which makes Reginald val Johnson Bama I think in this example that makes sense because Reginal Val Johnson's the backup up what thread connects them both little debby yeah and you know what bama is family that's that's that's awkward oh my god original val Johnson's an Auburn plant in this he's gonna undo it all

yeah that's that my point being I I'm now accustomed to seeing Notre Dame in there and I I almost felt bad from last night until I don't know one guy said you know Julian love went out injured right best cornerback Notre Dame's best cornerback went out injured it's like oh yeah you know Julian Love went out and then our secondary went to hell like this one guy Trevor like they're picking on him

I'm like they're picking on everyone Trevor Lawrence is putting the ball 40 they couldn't get to him did you see what Clemson's offensive line was doing I know everyone is stunned by the butterscotch stallion himself Trevor Lawrence who really does look like Lawrenceville Lance a lot right like he really does look like the most beautiful thing

to ever walk into a QT parking lot. But, but Clemson's offensive line had him upright, clean, and grinning. He could have been back. Go ahead. Be fair. Be fair. Okay. Be fair to Notre Dame. It's not like Clemson was also without its best defender, right? Oh, wait. I've just received a news bulletin.

Technically that's not true because we're pretty sure it's like tied for first across like six different dudes. That's true. They got four guys who'll tie for the number one draft pick in there without one. Okay, on a technicality. Notre Dame takes the grievance trophy here. Yeah, this is like, oh man, we took that octopus's best tentacle. Yeah, he still got seven arms, man. Good fucking luck. That's, like, they weren't,

they didn't compete with, they didn't compete. They did. No, that's not true. In the first half, they didn't compete. They did. No. They, they, they, they, they had, we talk you down to first quarter. Okay. First, for the first, for the first, for the first quarter and a half. What, are we, are we, are we, Are we going to sit here and give Oklahoma credit for competing for the last two and a half quarters? Actually, yes. Yeah, good.

Okay, cool. Then Notre Dame competed for a quarter. If you combine Notre Dame's first quarter with Oklahoma's last three quarters, we have a Notre Dame Oklahoma championship game. Boom. Guess what? That team would beat Virginia. That team would score against Virginia. Unlike South Carolina.

Boy, I feel bad for the South Carolina fans who do. tuning into this episode, we're like, well, they're not going to talk. Oh, God, damn it. Caught us three. Did any of you watch this game? No. Spencer, I know you did. The Belko? I'm just wondering, I was just kind of idly wondering, I myself did not watch this game,

and I was kind of idly wondering before how far ahead or at pace with schedule are we before Bronco has this Virginia team playing. between the whistles like his BYU teams played. And I was just, I was just interested how many like covert neck punches. How many managed to get in because if there's one team where you would think that might be ill-advised to try it against, it's a Will Mustamp team,

but apparently it suited them just fine. I just, I really want to know about the neck punching. I've only seen one team actually punch people in the taint on multiple occasions. And it was BYU's teams under Bronco-Mitted halt. not correction. Like, like, I'm clarifications. It was so much funnier when it was a team full of Mormons, but we'll think Virginians doing it, sure.

Oh, dear. Are you punching my dear Stedman in the taint? My paradigm. I do declare. You're going to knock the Anstress Street right out of him. You've crossed the Mason Dixon line, sir. Yeah, no, it's the only team of, I mean, they didn't punch in the nuts. Like, if they were in the scrum, they went straight for the, they went, you know,

straight for the nether region. Yeah, the not. They went straight forward. That's Virginia Tech terminology. We are in Charlottesville. Virginia Tech's pull some great players out of Goochaller. I'm not disparaging. Our crude cousins in Coal Country would refer to that as between the Pizzle and the Bizzle.

And we would not do that. How many points in South Carolina score against UVA? None? None. How many did they score against Georgia? 17. That's why Georgia's not in the playoff. Boom.

Damning. Yes, if you want to know, like, we're giving Notre Dame, giving Notre Dame the business here. You send your arguments to at 38 Godfrey. Mm-hmm. As always. But, but they should have been in the playoff. 1,000%.

It's insane to argue otherwise. It's stupid and counterproductive. However. Wait, Ryan, what's the philosophical term for this that just because of the outcome doesn't mean that the, that beforehand without this knowledge, we were wrong? There's a term for this kind of argument. I don't remember what it is. Yeah, it's a legal. It's a legal term.

Hold on. Is this post hoc ergo proctor hoc? Post hoc. Yeah, yeah, yes. That is what it is. Yes. After a word thing. Yeah.

Nick Sabin would say you're basing it on the results, not process. That's pretty much the same thing, so yeah. Yeah, the process itself gave us this because, wow, it's crazy how many people make stupid arguments about this when not admitting we have a tiny sample size and a sport that will never have a big sample size. I mean, the important thing is that the two-team playoff, known as the BCS, never gave us any blowouts. Always close, competitive games. Always both teams clearly deserving to be there and playing like it. And here we are back talking about Yukon again. well speaking of significant authoritative definitive sample sizes

Notre Dame has an all-time losing record against NC State oh that's my second favorite Notre Dame loss because they refuse to acknowledge the rain entirely on plague calling because Notre Dame doesn't respect weather and yes the rain can't wash away character I've never felt closer I've never felt closer to to BK because

if I had been coaching Notre Dame in that game I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing like you're not the boss of me God Jesus can walk on water that means he can plant his passing feet suck it Poseidon Poseidon counterpoint

I'm just calling Notre Dame expensive NC State from here on out oh boy I feel like that's mean to NC State I don't think we should do that so naturally this is also started the debate of hey we belong there for instance duane haskins quarterback of Ohio state like oh yeah hey look at this huh funny huh yeah yeah maybe you shouldn't have lost to Purdue also by the way maybe you guys shouldn't have had a like

you know had a terrible human for a coach maybe that that's honestly like what affected people voting they were like I don't know you lose by 20 something to Purdue and also that all happened well you definitely shouldn't do both of those like Notre Dame also well I mean like choose one or the other because Notre Dame also has a terrible human for a coach but he didn't lose to Purdue by multiple touchdowns recently terrible that's all people remember like don't assume don't assume this isn't a flimsy like a flimsy process that's malleable

on the basis of snap human emotions and to be honest I'm not real bright people making decisions at the top right go look up which coach won the uh coach leadership award this year integrity respect goodness character uh mayonnaise podcast and are an ohio state fan first of all thanks for sticking wickets second of all hey luke hey luke zimmerman how's it going second of all if you're planning on taking urban sorry if you're a student at osu and are listening to this podcast uh and you're planning on taking urban leadership class, let us know. Oh, man.

I have a series of questions. Please record that and send it to us. Patch us in on that. Yeah, absolutely. I have a series of several questions for you. Live streaming, homie. Live stream it. Be our periscopi row.

Yeah. Also, the third thing that Ohio State student needs to hear, did you eat a gram of protein per desired body weight today? If you didn't, go get it, bro. Go get it. That'll get you in the playoff for sure. Gaines won't happen without it. The other chorus that was piping up a lot during the playoff, of course, was Georgia fans and players.

Lots and lots of emojis from Georgia players, which that's fine. I think we sort of all agree Georgia probably is one of the four best teams to use a popular term. I don't really know what the utility of that is. Maybe they can throw a parade for that like UCF did. A banner says, you know, one of four best teams. Maybe that's what your banner says. Final four. Call it final four.

If you want, yeah. Do it. I just want to, real quick, just, I'm looking at a document, and I cannot tell based on part of the public discourse if this is a document that was sent to me from an alternate dimension, or if this actually happened. I want to sort of see if... I'm losing my mind here, because I swear this actually happened. But October 13, 2018, can you confirm that's a date that happened? in your timeline? Yes, that is correct. That did happen. Yeah, I remember it because it was the day I started my Joe Burrow dream diary collage. Okay, Joe Burrow. That's good. That confirms. That's a name that's in

this document that I'm looking at. Oh, interesting. So the title of this, this, this, this emission from, it's called the Associated Press. Are you familiar with this? Author? Sounds like a shady cabal. No, it seems legit. Okay. They've titled this document. LSU Downs Number 2, Georgia gives Ed Orgeron's signature win. So it sounds like Georgia lost.

So and Ed Orgeron, the presence of Ed O'Ojuron's name indicates that this would be a football downing. Yeah, I think that's a good context clue. Not to say that. Also, there are two, they're two, it's not an academic rankings, yeah. I was going to say LF you had overtaken Georgia in something like juvenile diabetes, which of course they already have. That's a fierce battle. We're not ready to yield that. How are you going to be good at adult diabetes if you don't get them started early?

Come on. Reason right. It's a system. There are two numbers here. It's called the Sugar Bowl for a reason, God damn it. Yeah, there it is. One is 36 and the other is 16. 36 is the higher number, right?

Like significantly? In some timelines. Yes. Yeah. Oh, shit. Okay. But it could, you know what? It could be like, it could be a blackjack thing.

You know who writes those textbooks down Louisiana? You know what it is? Oh, shit. I figured it out. Georgia fans think they're playing golf. Yeah. Oh, that's it. Absolutely.

That's the entire problem. Oh, we beat. Why aren't we in the final foursome? We beat LSU at golf and we beat Bama at golf. One, too, many three-hour lunches from Dad's dealership, and this is what you get. Hey, would you all like to hear a hilarious true fact about Joe Burrow? He went to, he went to high school in Ohio. The name of his high school, Athens High School, the mascot, the Bulldogs.

Absolutely true. Wow. One hundred percent true. Life's funny. It was foretold. It was foretold. It was foretold. What a turn coat.

Can't believe that. So nothing else happened. Actually, a couple of other things happened that I think really bear mention. Alabama won, whatever. Also, Florida won a football game and I was there. What? Which is fun. Yeah, I know.

I was shocked. They beat Michigan. This is something, I was present for something that had never happened before. Did you fight a child? No. Emotionally, yes. However, I did Gatorchomp a child, who was then telling me my team sucked, did I point at the scoreboard? Yes. Did I say the word scoreboard out loud? No.

Also, is the scoreboard all around you in this building? He did battle with this child in the astral realm. That's true. Yeah. And a Michigan dude behind me, he started talking like this, real tough. kind of sounded like a member of Les Miles family if a member of Les Miles family looked like a 30-year-old like Jim Jones like if they look like a member of my morning jacket right? Like I looked back and I was like

what's up young raised on Emgo Block? How you doing? And he looked down and he was talking some shit and without me really even thinking like I forgot that I could care and I forgot that at times there's an inner redneck, right, if I'm just watching as a fan, because without really thinking about it, I turned around and did the Kung Fu come here gesture? Like, why don't you come down and see about it?

And I did it and immediately was like, oh God. I didn't know how tall he was. I didn't know how bad he was. I was with family, gentle, non-brawling family. not the kind you could mostly non-brawling we're not counting my wife okay

because she's gonna have to bail me out she can't be in the fight right we can't both go to jail so yeah were you in some sort of Michigan section I was I was in a Michigan section yeah and we had just

you could take them it was after we scored on a run that was on third and 20 a give me run a give up run I think due to that you could have taken You could have taken them.

That is so physically debilitating that it sapped the strength of every Michigan person there. They all went. They hauled a little minus 10 appear over their heads. Oh, I would have destroyed this dude. However, I would have been destroyed by security instantly afterwards. So, again, no one wins a fight where there's more than two people around, okay? It's just not possible. So, yeah, Florida football's back, baby.

But that's not what made me think of it. What made me the one thing I wanted to mention from this game, aside from what, is the first thing Jim Harbaugh saw after his second worst, is this a second worst loss of the year? I don't know. It's the one that followed a massive. He's got a list. He does. It's the one that followed a massive embarrassing misstep against Ohio State, right? Where one program could clearly not be further from the other, right, in terms of overall quality or extra. execution. It came after that. So the person least prepared in the world to see this, saw it. It was Jim Harbaugh striding across the field at the 50 to go shake Dan Mullen's hand. Not going to be a real long handshake anyway, okay? Jim was getting the hell out of that situation. The first thing he saw were three Florida players doing the choppa style dance. Like a phalanx in front of Dan Mullen. Not in his path. At him. Oh, no. Ghost riders. They're here. Mind you, Jim Harbaugh does not know what this is, okay? Guaranteed.

No. He's not kept up with the Saints this season. Yes, true. I don't go to Harbaugh's sleepovers. I'm certainly not going to get invited to one now. He'll be like, you're that kid who Gator chomp the kid, and I'm like, yeah. And I'll do it again! I'll do it again if you lose that badly.

Harbaugh is at the post-game presser, like, I thought it was a little disembate. Winning of coach to send those kangaroos after me. I don't, I, they weren't wearing, they weren't wearing their helmets, first of all, which they have them. That's irresponsible. It's not good motorcycle etiquette. They were riding forward like Dan Mullins advanced scouts, right? Yeah. We're going to ride in the tundra looking for prey.

Here comes the harbour. In the house that young jock built, no less. Just motorbiking on. out on out in front of Dan Mullen. Dan Mullen kind of pushes him aside and after that Arvod did. To be fair, what was the shortest handshake I've ever seen, more of a hand tap. Yeah, a tummy rub. Yeah, but that's all I'm giving you after that.

That was the custom. If you fry each other. Hey, drink more milk. Hey, take care of your flora. Hey, coaches who listen to this, we know you're out there and we're not going to name you, but try a little tummy rub. Get some just companionship and some tom-tum-loving. Yeah. Skin-to-skin contact.

It's important. Did this game establish the protocol that, like, the losing coach has to be the issuer of it? If you win, you deserve a tummy rug. Yes, you get a tummy rub. No, no, I think the losing coach gets a tummy rub to be like, hey, hey, buck up. It's going to be okay. Buddy? I don't know.

I think if you win, you deserve it. So coaches share a tummy rub, but there is like, they can each sense in their hands the meaning. Oh, man. What if the state troopers have to do it? I mean, they're not doing anything. Let them do it. There was a Twitter discussion last night over the utility of having quite so many state troopers forming a phalanx around coaches that they exit the field. Yeah, why not have them just tickle some tum-tums?

Mm-hmm. that's all I have like when you're like what's your big takeaway from that game I was like I don't think you should get your team in a position where there's three of the opponent motor biking and you're doing the chopper style in your direction to face a coach who is the least prepared human to see this at that moment yeah that was absolutely the best case scenario of that outcome we all got lucky that was by the way that was the leftovers I got to heat up the next day because I was at the game and could not see that. So just scrolling through Twitter this morning and happened upon it like, oh, it's all coming back now. I almost fought a guy

who looked like the lead singer of my morning jacket because my team won a football game against an opponent who'd beat them in four exhibitions prior. I need to reevaluate things. I think the important thing to remember here is that Jim Harbaugh is a huge disappointment, even though he this is his third season double digit wins which is as many as uh michigan had in the let's see one two three four five six seven uh thirteen seasons before him so yeah i mean michigan is basically syracuse this year oh loykear went ten and three and those were good years man jesus christ oh it's fun it's fun how everybody's gone insane i did go into the victors immediately after the game

because i'm a terrible terrible human what's wrong with you what are you oh jesus i'm the hitman who goes to the funeral man wait did godfrey app brian i didn't even look absolutely absolutely he had that shit drafted at half time yeah but i went into the victors board and i was shocked at the double-digit number of posters in the first couple of pages who openly wondered if Jim Harbaugh has C-T-E. Jesus Christ. I'm just acting as an analyst.

Yeah. I'm sorry that I care about science. It's like doing the autopsy when you go. It could have been one of 23 things that killed this man. And if I were a decent human being, I'd just let this go. But let's see the toxicology report. Cephalis. It was the syphilis. It's either that or the heroin, cocaine, amphetamine, sterno, drain cleaner,

you know, stonazol and PCP in a system. Could have been any of these things, really. Cephalus. Let's tell the relatives. That was me going on Michigan. Brian, that's going in our ringtone bank along with Spencer's sticking fingers and just saying puffs.

They go together so well. In our eventual soundboard app. If you use these three phrases together, you will unlock the hidden treasure of the shutdown forecast, buried for millennia. More chicken fingers. It's more chicken fingers. Fresh, though, man. Look, they've been down there for thousands of years. They pop out, bam.

They're still so crispy. They're buried in gold. That's right. Bury me in gold and chicken fingers. Big C.H.A. And speaking of burials, speaking of burials, RIPP, mark wrecked. coaching career. Can I say something serious? Yeah. I thought it was weird that Mark Rick took the Miami job because, you know, he left Georgia on not the worst possible terms.

You know, it was awkward, but there's no avoiding that. But he's always struck me as being the emotional opposite of guys like Bear Bryant who retire and immediately die because they're not on the sideline. You know, he's got, he's into so many other things. Like, I was surprised that he took this Miami job because I figured he would be like off-building orphanages in the Ukraine. I think you're misreading why he took it, though. Like, I don't think it was like, oh. No, no, I get that.

I just, I don't think it was like, oh, I have to coach. And if I don't coach, I don't know what to do with my hands. I think it was more like, hey, somebody loves me and appreciates me. And I want, like, that feels good. That feels valid. like i think i think it was more about like the emotional the emotional side of it and that went away quick didn't it yeah like i i agree but this is this is all by way of saying i think i feel less bad for mark rick than maybe any other coached out of a job in recent memory for the one fact

that he has so many other interests like he'll be he'll be fine like i am not worried about mark rick at all because more than any other coach maybe i've ever been around he seems set up to live a normal human life after football anyway that's fair anyway that's all i don't know where that came from and i don't know why i chose to air that on this podcast of all places but i think mark rick's going to be just fine no a legit like a legitimately good human like i really can't definitively say that about a whole lot of people in college sports either because you know hey i don't know everything or don't have no like legitimately good person I think another good outcome of this for him is that he didn't have to fire his son.

Which was kind of the line in the sand, and there's another contrast when we're talking about him as an actual empathetic, likable person. We can remember some other college football coaches who would not have made that decision. Gosh, is there some reason that they're back in the news surrounding this tire? So John Rick, the son of Mark Rick, was a quarterbacks coach. If you watch Miami play at all this year, the quarterbacks were. bad. They're bad. It was underwhelming. If you wanted to be really nice about it, you could say underwhelming. They were bad.

How are you supposed to recruit quarterback talent to Miami? And you know, where are you supposed to find skilled football players in and around South Florida? Which one is? Is it nearsighted or far-sighted where things up close are blurry? Oh. That's far-sided. Okay. Yeah.

So did not fire John Rick. That was going to be one of the staff changes. He initially accepted this and then decided not to, which I don't know. If your long play is, man, I've already got a ton of money. I'm not a super materialistic dude. Yeah, right? And I'm not going to fire my son, right? I'm just going to let it go.

By the way, we say like not super materialistic. Markert has more money than you'll ever earn. Yeah, it's easy to be not super materialistic when you're going to have that word money for. Hold on. Hold on. The full cast is about to take off any. day now, sir. Any day.

It's going to be our sole source of income. We're like a cycle of locust. You're like, give it 11 years. Suckers going to be all over the place. Locust does describe the audio quality of this podcast pretty accurately. Underground and then buzzing

without any explanation. Sometimes literally, right? So you do that, right? Welcome to the Plagues of Egypt. That's our new podcast. It's going to be awesome. them. It's Frog Week. Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah. She's at Bowl 2. Let's go. So there's that. And then there are other coaches. I don't know locally. Like, you go, well, man, who should Miami hire? I don't know. You know who's up the road? You're saying, oh man, Butch Davis at FIU already has, probably still has his key. He probably still works in the office, right? No, no, not Butch, man. You've already been that. You can't go back to Babylon, man. Ken Dorsey. No?

No, no, no, no. I was thinking, I was thinking a little man coaching at F.A.U. named Lane Kiffen, because you know what? If you ask him to fire a family member, Lane's going to get out the pistol. No, we said fire. Yeah, I heard you. Yeah, no. Lane will load him in the cannon, pointed at the moon, and pull the cord.

Recall, who was Lane Kiffin's defensive coordinator who came under fire at USC for some underperforming defenses? His father. His mom. His sweet papa. His mom, that'd be great. As we just look up and you're like, what's Ma Kiffin doing? Man, listen, you've got to see her drop his own fires. Coaching these boys up is what she's doing.

Listen. Yeah. Listen, mom, our linebackers look like shit. What the fuck? Mom, you're fired, dumbass. I did not anticipate this part of this discussion, and I am delighting in it. Elaine Kiffin has the pizza rolls kid and everything he does. Mom, we only have purple stuff.

I ordered Sunny D. You're fucking fired. This is the worst coach meeting ever. All my friends can see me. Mom, Nick Saban is here. I'll be the disgrace of college sports. Can you imagine that, mom? That would be your fault, not mine.

This time. So when it comes time to fire a relative, Mark Rick goes... You know the man for the job? Mark Rick's like, man, you know what? I'm just going to walk away and probably go take a tour of some interesting but not too exotic

country. Like Mark Richt is going to go travel to like... Yeah. I'm going to do mission work in a place that's... It just needs a little bit of stuff, not a whole lot. Do you know what Don Shula did when he retired? And what an absolute madman he is? Now think of this. Don Shula coaches football

for 50 years. 50 years of just football. No other interest. No other nothing. You know it's in his head. Also should have kept his sons out of coaching, but here we are. Probably, but you know what he was doing instead of that? Don Schuller retired and he said, you know where I'm going to go for like six months? India.

Yeah, Don Shula's wild. Please tell me he didn't try to open one of his steakhouses there. That would not go well. He probably did. What do you think he knew about India when he got there? He's a football coach. He didn't know shit. Yeah.

You guys like steak? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, boy. Dude. We got some learning to do. Don Shula went through a journey, man. Mark Rick. Oh, he's right. He's going to, like, he's going to Belize.

Like, Mike go to Honduras for a couple of weeks. Back to Belize. Just keep this family. Keep this easy. Right? So, but if you need. I'm going to go down to minister to Australia. All right. No, let's keep this real.

Like, PCB. yeah they could use him they really could yeah gosh he'll be he'll be clearing out his office just he'll he'll get home spend the holidays with the fam and he'll be like ready and raring to go just in time for the spring break crowds to start hot coleslaw wrestling i do like the idea of all-time spring break chaperone mark rick yeah the now the darker way to look at this is to say that Mark wrecked waited and waited and waited and waited until Manny Diaz took another job. Then it was like, ha ha, I'm out. Fuck you. You can't have it. Honestly, if you did that's hysterical.

You really want this job, don't you? Well, I'm going to keep it for another year. Ten minutes later. So I'm out and you're a temple. Man, how matter are you if you could have lived in Miami and you have to go live in Philly? If I was Mani Diaz, I would have left an open jug of milk under his desk. What I said that would be hilarious, by the way, I meant for the university, not for Mani Diaz, for whom, you know, as bad as you can feel for a millionaire, you know, he's had some shitty luck in his, in his stops before and some successes and failures. But man, he could pull a Todd Graham on this and I wouldn't even blink. Listen, think about the call that the Temple AD had to make today to be like, So you're still good, right, Mamie?

Right? Hey, hey, buddy. You're still happy, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is this? We're still going to prom, right? Is this like as cold as it gets or like in February?

Oh, it gets cold, huh? Interesting. That's cool. That's fun. So how about those eagles, huh? Like Alshan Jeffrey, punch me in the face with a, yeah, do it. I love those guys. Fletcher Cox, still going.

Love him. We have fun here. But if you need Lane Kiffin to absolutely shoot a family member, he'll do it. And once again, by the way, for those of you who don't believe in fun on your Twitter, Lane Kiffin's favorite booster is already back in action, agitating for him to get this job. I'm referring, of course, to Uncle Luke. Oh, Jesus. Yes.

No, I didn't. He's already back at it, man. He had it locked. What does he want? He wants Lane Kiff and his head coach, wants him to bring Jalen Hertz and install Ed Reed as defensive backs coach. They didn't even have, FAU didn't even have that good a year. Also, Ed Reed follows up with a tweet, coaching Miami. Yes, I will. I love done, man.

It's done. This was easy. Uncle, oh my God, the Luther Campbell coaching search firm. Why don't we ask Gloria Stephan who she wants? coach. She wouldn't say Dana hologram. It's time for Miami to come out of the dark. Yeah.

I want a coach who would do anything for this university. Listen, I want to go up-tempo because the rhythm is going to get you. Do you know how much I would laugh if they hired a hurry-up guy and started playing that during offensive possessions? I would mark out so hard for Miami if they did that. They won't because they've done everything wrong for like 20 years. Oh. I know. So sad.

So. It's only like 18 years running. Yeah. I do love that their guys are just like, they'll just, they're ready, man. Like the football players like, at Reed hasn't been a defensive coordinator in college. And he's like, I'll do it tomorrow. How will you learn? I'll just get it, man. And, I mean, that may be the wrong example because I'm like,

Ed Reed could probably figure that shit out. You've had the success that Ed Reed has had. When have you had a time in your life when you would have had to unlearn that self-confidence? The problem is, the problem is that extends to all Miami players. So that's when you get Ray Lewis being like, I'm here. Cherokee coaching tight-ins. Hey, I'm Jeremy Shockey. I'm running training table.

It's going to be fine. I'm going to teach the kids out of steel boats. We're eating the boats Six McChicons That's lunch Dollar menu Six bucks It's got lettuce on it

So it's a complete meal Yeah Lettuce promotes the circulation Of what Something Cogaine Oh my god Jeremy's shocking

Teaching human anatomy All right So you got your hog First and foremost We were putting together a post on this With head coach The Rock of course

Yeah. Goes without saying, you know, running backs coach Frank Gore, so on and so forth. I think my favorite one is special teams coach Devin Hester. Sure. Because you'd think like, okay, return specialist, return coordinator. No, no. I want Devin Hester, you know, making the punter do it over again. Punt me something, I can't run back.

Devin Hester just making punters cry all practice long. That's actually not a bad idea. You'd be the most resilient punter alive. ice proof i die in practice every day what can a game do to me your timeout means nothing to me my am i's a punter and you look over after the tv timeout and he's literally foaming at the mouth but like from enthusiasm the other rumor that i've seen with this is don't know i know i'm gonna do it no no no no i'm gonna say it's from a long time, long time reporter at the

Harold, who's obviously got a call from Rex Ryan. This is the dumbest idea. This is the dumbest idea. It is always real dumb. We're having such a good day. And he's just, and obviously this guy called this reporter, right? Rex Ryan called this reporter.

He's like, I'm real interested in this job. You should say it. And he's like, yeah, Rex Ryan's definitely interested in this job. Which led me to think about Rex and Rob Ryan and what they could do in Miami without ever. getting like a single bit of reportage on. Just imagine the smell. So many farts.

I would prefer not to. So much farting and so many boat accidents and that might be it. That might be the first time an entire coaching staff dies in a boating accident right? One, two, three, boat farts! It's how they would have wanted to go.

Exactly. The fireball could be seen all the way from Isla Marotta. Hell yeah, brother. Yeah, what was it? big boat fart. I love you. I love you, Rob. I love you, Rex. Boat for Rex. Can you think of a better death for Rex and Rob Ryan the professing love for each other right before they hit the causeway at 80 miles an hour in a boat loaded with farts? I can't. Put that on the full cast tombstone. That's the quote. It's all about the you. It's all about the you, baby.