Shutdown Fullcast - The SACK TIME Holistic Wellness Program

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

 - Jason is back, show still falls apart in under a minute; it’s still Spencer’s fault so never say we’re inconsistent  - Holly forgets what consonance is, shame her   - A crockpot-based Twilight Zone episode ensues  - Ryan leads a game of WOULD YOU RATHER: have a squirrel crawl down your throat OR call Lions games for 31 years??  - Definitely the most times we’ve ever said “jicama” on this show   - One (one) reader question, answered at length. Was it yours??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And... Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening live to the internet's only podcast. I am joined tonight. Wow. Yeah, I said it. Only podcast. Okay.

So there's... You take that, Ira Glass. You had us on your show. Look what happened. We don't snatch your chain. This is the only podcast there is. I appreciate that Godfrey gets on a new show. show and spencer reckless that he is immediately just starts bashing left and right every chance he

gets to keep godfrey down that's my again all i am here to do is to keep the graduates of old miss from succeeding in life because i'm the one that's doing that and he pronounced it old miss did you all hear that old me old miss i did lord the disrespect oh i am spencer hall joining me as always is my co-house host Jason Kirk. Say hello Jason. Hi. So it's canon now that split zone duo is the only college football podcast and we are the only podcast. We're the only. You know what? Maybe it's time to class up. Do we just grab it? Well yeah. I think that's I think that's what's taking place. That's the next. Or maybe we just move up to being the only football podcast. Like is that it? Or do we just jump rank completely? Yeah. We're way past that already.

duo is more of like an algonquin round table for the earbuds i can go with that let's go ahead and i want to get straight to the most important news of the week because we're actually already kind of in an actual football week there are games that will happen and we could preview those but i kind of want to look at the big picture and i'm going to look at the most important in an actual football week do you want to tell everybody what week you thought it was yesterday five i thought it was week five no you said three and then you worked your way up to five and it is week six i just want to keep everybody else i just want to keep everybody else surprised of where we are in spencer time do you know how awesome it is being completely off the calendar like i am being

totally unstuck in time yeah i do it's wonderful so i'm looking at the standings and i'm seeing three and oh, two and oh, one in one, oh, and oh, four, and oh. I think any number between zero and four is fine. And then if you want to tack on other numbers to bring it up to six or let's say seven, let's call it eight. Any number between zero and eight, I think, is fine. Thank you. I'm content to let Spencer decide what week it is, like for the rest of the year.

This was, you got me on that, and I was helping my kid with math today, and they're doing that thing where they have, like, number grids, and they're moving know and they're like, what could equal 10? And I was like, this is very challenging. Wait, they're making kids play Sudakou? Seudakut, kind of. It's one way, which they're doing number theory, right? Another one would be trying to get me to use a calendar,

something that I'm pretty sure most second graders could embarrass me on. So thanks. I appreciate the support, Jason, for being totally unstuck in time. Yeah. Now, so if you were to get into a calendar battle with a second grader, How do those rounds unfold, like, calendar skills? I'm just trying to picture which of those are like a battleable. No, it's a five-day.

It's like a cricket match. It's like a test match, right? It's five days long, and every single day we show up, and we have to say what the day and the time is. Okay, yeah, yeah. That's it, right? I got the second graders, they're minus 1,000 in this one. That's where we're setting out.

I'll tell you, do you want to know why, You always need a second grader as an accomplice if you're going to do a heist or some kind of shenanigans. Because you're going to need to lose a weapon, you're going to need to lose some equipment, you're going to need to lose some evidence. Do you know who can lose something more effectively than any other creature known to man? A second grader. A second grader will drop a Lego straight in the floor and it'll evaporate like it hit, like seriously, like it hit the flu. Just poof! Gone, Harry Potter.

finished you tell the i've watched i i need you to put the put the nail file and the glass cutter on your you know on your nightstand that's where we need it right guarantee yeah it's gone it doesn't exist anymore law of thermodynamics ain't shit i have watched my son drop something on the ground i have tracked it on the ground and i have watched it completely disaparating from my vision just gone and the thing that the thing that lost of course will be something of dear value and completely unfindable. Just like, I need that special Lego piece. That's approximately the size of a tick-tack.

Oh, it went to another dimension. Completely. So yeah, get a second grader on your crew. Am I telling you to take your local second grader and make him commit, or at least an accessory to a major crime? No, because guess who's going to find out about it if a second grader's getting rid of the evidence? Nobody.

It'll be gone forever. there's nothing that they could pick up in zoom school that they really couldn't learn in uh america's crime farm system that's true farm crime farm farm what's the what's the literary thing it's not alliteration where the words end in the same sound a neer rhyme i thought assonance was alliteration but for verbs it is for vowels okay right or for about that's what I meant god words have meanings yeah farm crime farm crime is farm crime is by the way the most under exploited true crime genre we don't do enough farm crime because i i did read an article

there are still cattle rustlers donkey arson don't god lord i was thinking that i feel like donkeys donkeys at least appreciate that right i was thinking about just like donkeys are like yeah that's how you get even man good job like what what a fucking way to go respect you said farm crime and I was thinking just appending farm like words to the end of crimes

yo because you said a cow on fire and a cow is going to go I am but a sweet cow why would you do that if you set a donkey on fire it's going to be like yeah I'd do it too yeah I hated me that donkey is like sickos looking in the window

ha ha yes I wish I could do that but I don't have hands we do actually have an important football story that I'm going to share for you it's relevant to everything I think we are as a podcast and I think as a nation at our best it's from the Detroit news and the dateline is October 6 today published it 4.17 p.m. Michigan kicks off the abbreviated Big Ten football season at Minnesota on October 24th.

But Jim Brandstatter, who handles the radio play-by-play, and analyst Dan Deirdorf and the broadcast crew, won't be there. Instead, there'll be an empty Michigan stadium calling the game off television monitors. I'm so happy. I can't think of a happier story in 2020

than Dan Deerdorf and Jim Brandstetter are finally getting the run of the place to themselves, getting the ideal, getting the dream, getting to call a game as Baldorf and Sackler, our beloved college football dads, alone in Michigan Stadium, watching the game on TV. Baldorf and Sackler. All right, just saying.

Oh, it feels good to get into that warm up again. Yes, my favorite broadcast team in all of college. football brand statter and deirdorf who our valued i amg colleagues yes our valued i amg colleagues co-workers value us as colleagues just as much as we value them they have definitely heard of the hat that was associated with the thing we said about the thing they say we can definitely go that far we can't the they're one of their daughters i am told uh listened to the show if she's still listening, I'm really sorry for her, but also hello. I'm really sorry, but also, hello.

I, it didn't sound sultry until you said it. I also cannot wait to just hear these two guys openly mused about watching from an empty Michigan stadium. Well, we got the rod of the place. You want to set up cornhole? I'm telling you. We could just put it right here. Each one shows up with his own individual.

crock pot already worn plugs it in next to the board because there's going to be some distance right they can't just the original idea I had was you know they have a crock pot of chili between them and just like a trash bag of corn chips and they can dip as they talk you know well you worked in a movie theater right you've seen the size bags that they put popcorn in to move it to the satellite concession stands it's like a bag well remember of corn chips and they're they're dipping it out But also, that's a little bit unsanitary. We're still, I hope, in a place like Michigan,

trying to practice proper COVID protocols. So plexiglass divider, separate crock pots, and separate bags of chips. And our precious boys will be all warm and toasty and safe. I enjoy this, though. When you said garbage bag full of corn chips, I immediately thought, well, it has to be one of the clear ones because the black one's a trash bag. But the classy food-related one, that's the clear one.

I don't know why. That's my old movie theater employee being like, that's how you know it's food. You put the food in the garbage bag that's clear, and then it's not garbage. So that it's clear that it's food. See? There's also a potential time enough at last scenario here

where, like, one of them drops the crock pot as it gets there, and the National Anthem is concluding, and he looks up at the camera, there's chilly everywhere. He has nothing to dip his chips in, And he just goes, that's not fair. That's not fair. I've been waiting for Michigan Stadium to be empty all my life.

And now, no. Plenty of room in the stands to run those goddamn crossing routes. Back and forth, all across Section 34A. I'm going to watch this game start to. Wait, do we know, does it say in the article how we can partake of the Michigan feed while this is happening? Do we have to go serious? Serber, do you know? how do we take in our beloved IMG colleagues during this game

you can subscribe to their game day app the Michigan Game Day app or tune in you can listen to the Michigan Sports Network from Leerfield IMG College sorry I wasn't quite listening because there's a smart that's a good idea saying happy Halloween that I wanted to send to you guys and I was clipping what yeah yeah just yeah just put that right in after this when we're done with it. I mean, just paste it over wherever you like. Just loop it actually over this audio.

Could that be when we're talking about something that we're not supposed to be talking about? Just like a hot key? Yeah. And that could be our hot key. We have a lot of shows between now and Halloween, now that we're at two shows a week, which we should probably talk about in a minute.

Hey, hey. But every time between now and Halloween that we have to bleep somebody. I mean, we tried to kill him. were Kissinger so I don't know what we would bleep at this point but we should put our boy Jim in there happy Halloween I I really cannot wait for this to happen and cannot encourage you enough not just doing this because obviously they're co-workers so far as now but because I like listening to the radio feed anyway of games if I can if it syncs up reasonably well one weird side effective streaming games now. The delay on the radio now almost perfectly matches up with the delay

on whatever streaming service I'm using to watch football. So now I have to adjust it even less than ever before. So thank you delays of technology and moving backwards. If you can all move backwards at the same time, I won't have to actually tweak the radio slash TV sync all that much. But of all of the radio feeds you could listen to, I really can't encourage Michigan enough. Speaking of tweaks and technology, do you want to talk about why we are being beamed to our listeners for the second time this week? Oh, we are being beamed to our listeners because we are going to do a mailbag episode. A kind of unusual mailbag episode. Not an unusual mailbag.

I would argue the only correct mailbag in the purest sense of the term on God's green internet. So, Jason, typically, how does a mailbag episode work? on our show or on on on like functional shows i mean functional shows that do a lesser job by doing things correctly on on half-assed shows that strive to be the full cast uh well typically that would involve a number of questions between three and uh who knows 10 20 yeah it's somewhere around that and uh usually properly called a mails bag right yes a males bag what a disturbing collision of words that is i don't think there's anything weird about that at all you're the one who said sack statter or whatever

yeah brand brand you're saying it's hey what is a mailbag episode after all but sack time oh wow i also so about our football uncles one last thing um football uncles. So the traditional football uncle, the social distancing thing, all right, they're not really all that in on it. They took the CDC guideline as like, well, fuck that, we're going to smash our faces together. Whereas Brandstader and Deirdorf, I believe, enough in them to believe that they view this as license to finally distance themselves as much as possible. The big house is a big house, and I believe these fellows will take full advantage of that. like you know love you buddy can barely see you it's awesome they'll be on opposite sides of the

yeah they're gonna like lucy and desi this this is the proper respect a mansion show to his good friend hey are you still in here i know these men both have families but is it so bad that i imagine them sleeping in twin beds no like in the same room like bert and ernie Yes. That's it. And they sleep in pajamas that they buttoned up all the way to the top button. Yeah. All the way.

Of course they do. Anything else would be weird. Bert Statter and Ernddorf. Derndorf. Dern Dernie. Dernie. You know what? I'm now going to.

They're never going to talk to us at this rate. Never. I don't blame them. They do each Saturday. What an ecstatic what an ecstatic vision I'm having of the two of them having cookies and milk

with little nightcaps on before bed. Their pajamas are striped and the nightcaps are long and pointy. Yeah, and they have the Michigan like the Michigan stripe on them. I'm picturing like full flap-eared like quail hunting hat. Like Northern Exposure style.

I like that. just the sleepy time bear but with Dan Deirdorf's head so if you could go ahead and Photoshop that we recognize in this house frankly the first one to Photoshop that and send that to and send it to

we have a lot of accounts let's go with Moon Crew LSC account again sure there we go Godfrey tell him to send it to us yeah launder it launder it through so here's what you have to do you have to get

Godfrey to forward this meme along to the Moon Crew account and you will win maybe we'll give you a retweet or something sure you'll get one one retweet as a treat actually do you know what I have do you know what I have that I can send the winner

of this contest what do you have via our dearly departed sponsor Cowbucker RIP I have a spankan new never been worn Clemson colored Zach time hat i will say i will personally mail this to the winner okay this is good this is good uh by the way one of the best tweets of all time is that sleepy time bear and somebody going like yo he

fucked up off that sleepy time showing the bear like oh and the longer you sorry continue no go ahead i like the one about going to the celestial seasonings facebook page and tell them like uh something like fucked up happened and uh and and none of them care and it ends with like very difficult to rile that fan base i have not seen this two gone off the sleepy time sorry the the the tea the culture not not gossip but literally tea apparently it's about as tranquil as it gets online this is this is just one step forward towards becoming of an old frisbee guy like an old California frisbee guy what do you do? I run in short shorts

I shop at organic grocery stores I protest a lot I have I have a lot of fishing shirts but they're colorful fishing shirts and I'm going off that sleepy time tea

9 p.m. bam I'm out gone off it we have let's see I believe we have at one point Ryan Nanny may just drop in y'all Hi.

Hi. Oh, my God! Look at our sleepy time bear. I'm the sleepy time bear. Now, a question about the timing of that. Yeah. Well, I've been on for like five minutes. Okay, okay.

Oh, you've been waiting like double dutch. Okay. How polite waiting to be introduced, like a visiting royal. I was also reading up on Deerdorf and Brandstatter. And the only fact I really want to share with you is that their wives' names, are I'm going to make sure I get this right because it's important. Wait, wait, do you want to guess first? I want to say Janice and Janine.

That's, is that your guess? Wait, no, Denise and Janine. Yeah. Okay. Are we all get, is this a, sure. I'm going to guess they're both Marjorie. Ooh. I'm going to go, I'm going to go Meg and Lisa.

Um, I guess, I guess Jason was closest. Dan is married to Debbie. Deirdorf, and Jim is married to a woman named Robbie, who I believe was like a local broadcaster in Detroit for a long-ass time. And that's where they met. Yeah, Robbie Timmons, who graduated from Ohio State University. Oh, a house divided. That's right. James Carville doesn't know shit.

So, no, you're telling me that in addition to all of his other. many fine qualities our boy is also a diplomat that's right uh they met in 1975 while anchoring tv newscasts together at um at an nbc affiliate in lansing michigan yeah this is what the news should have been about yeah it should have been about bransdatter this is so superior i also learned that jim brand center has written two books Tales from Michigan Stadium and Tales from Michigan Stadium

Volume 2 I was really hoping that one of them would be about war but this is the closest thing so it is interesting that it is not Tales of Michigan football or tales of watching

Michigan football is this like I got in a fight in the parking lot or maybe just random shit that happened like one time drop my keys in the toilet had to get my friend Frank in there

with the snake pulled it out pretty big day like one time day old Dave next to me farted so huge we had to open the press box window a squirrel got into the pipes my pipes

in my throat I had to call the whole damn game fortunately it was Iowa that squirrel's a hell of a guy I gotta tell you we go ice fishing now twice a year his name's Dennis

that squirrel's name is Jim Tressel. I think I would rather have a squirrel living in my trachev than call Lions games for 31 years as Jim Brandstatter did. Oh my God. Is he the toughest man alive? He did this from 1987 until July 2018. And I want you to think how much the world has changed between 1987, which is like not far from when Holly and Jason and I were born and very far from when Jason wouldn't spend. was born to 2018 like so much like we all basically became the people we are today the world

changed in radical ways that nobody could have foreseen and the lions the lions remained exactly the same didn't change a bit oh my god so look at this all right look at this all right 2008 Detroit Lions record remember that that's right it's the 0 and 16 year that year That year, Michigan went three and nine. Oh, my God. Jim Brandstader called every bit of it. He called five straight Wolverines losses amidst 16 straight lions losses. Wow.

The man is unstoppable. For a second, I thought you were suggesting that the lions and Michigan's were like, had some kind of Elliott and E.T. relationship. When you hurt, I hurt. I hope Jim Brantzetter caused the financial crisis in 2008 because he was so sick of watching. these games. By God, I'll take the whole market,

so I'd have to watch this goddamn crap. With sincere apologies to the estate of Langston Hughes, that man's soul has seen sucky rivers. Can I tell you by the... Yeah, go ahead. Just real quick, the 2008 Lions schedule, the by week was week four, which means

they had 13 straight weeks with losses. Okay, I'm done looking at their schedule. Maybe they'll get it together after the bye week. Maybe it'll clear. Oh, no! Everything's going to be different now you'll see. I would like you,

I would like, by the way, to say that Jim Brandstetter may be the smartest person ever associated with the Lions because everyone else who was with the Lions for a substantial amount of time quit mid-season

and quit suddenly. Sure. Right? So Barry Sanders, Calvin Johnson, Bobby Ross, a number of different players have all at one point. I'm sorry, what?

soon to be Matt Patricia Matt Patricia's just going to go north they're going to be like where'd he go and they're like he bugged down and went to Canada like it was NAM or something he crossed the border on foot he said he's SEAL Team 12 I don't know what that means

no shield team 12 so if you look up in week if you look at me like week 11 and you see Matt Patricia on the Patriot's sideline with no explanation like dad just let me back in yeah that's the seal team 12 by the way is 12 pack that that's why um the number of players who quit like a number of of lions luminaries all quit midseason Ryan please remind us

when did Jim Brandstetter look up at the calendar and say I can't do this shit anymore July it looks like it's July that's correct he is the smartest man because he didn't even get to the season before he was like oh I could feel the gorge in my gut rising I can't do this anymore jesus spending all summer every he kept it he kept it from ruining his summer because he got like halfway jim it's important to listen to your body at all time he got halfway through the summer it was like no no i'm gonna go back out in the boat and not fear walking into whatever i have to call on sundays i'm out wellness starts in the mind this is this is actually um i think he knew it was coming because week one uh uh

Of 2018, no, yeah, week one of 2018, the Detroit Lions hosted the New York Jets, and they lost 48 to 17. Yikes. Yep. Hoo! My God. I'm emotionally exhausted from thinking about this. I love that we don't even really have to know what year that is to know that that's terrible. That is, yeah, that's Sam Darnold's rookie year.

that's Sam Darnold's first that's Sam Darnold's in Sam Darnold's first game he went to Detroit and he and the Jets beat the Lions by 31 points does this mean there was a moment when all of us perhaps including those of us on this show who pay attention to the NFL that we said hey this Sam Darnold thing's going to work probably like did we do that for an entire Sunday no it's always darkest just before it goes pitch black Jason your your premise of Your premise is based on the idea that we all decided to watch a Jets Lions game. We would certainly see the score. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. It was on Monday night football. There you have. We definitely saw this. We probably did.

So the best part of this game is that at one point, early in the third quarter, the Lions tied the game. And then, throughout the rest of the third quarter, the Jets scored 31 unanswered. points. I don't see anything weird about that. All you need to know about the Lions is this, that like, we celebrate Thanksgiving by honoring America, by putting a franchise that's like not only known for decades of mediocrity at this point and wasting two of, at least two of the greatest position players in the history of the league.

But in addition to that, they are owned by a family that at one point within the century openly supported the American Nazi party. That's insane. Look around, buddy. How insane? How insane we talk in here? So if we're talking failures and Nazis,

that does line up well with like the original Thanksgiving story. That's true. That's true. I'm not saying it's not America, but you're like, we salute America by giving you the Detroit Lions. God thank you thank you for this dose of the plague do you know who they play this year on

thanksgiving uh please don't say the chiefs the jets or no the jets no although although holly washington football team does play on thanksgiving this year oh oh that's horrible they're going to play such as it is that's progress no yeah it's it's it's a good choice um Detroit is hosting Yes, yes. This is a terrific NFL podcast. Who will be coached at that time by Dan Quinn. That's right. I adore college football so much because we have a guy like Bill O'Brien

who everybody at Penn State's like, you know what? Stand up guy, pretty great guy. He goes to the NFL and it's a completely different universe. They're like, toilet man, absolute poop monster. Waste of space. Everyone at Penn State's like, he's pretty good we like that guy everyone in houston's like turn him into cow feed throw him in with the pigs homefield apparel dot com brings it's time just let him go

the latest in comfortable t-shirt fashions uh up this week is it florida state week the timing you know what i'm hey hey hang on hang on gator boy You get to talk about this enough. I'm going to turn this particular moment over to our other Gator alum on the podcast, who had a really interesting point to make about the origins of Homefield Apparel and how this really is like coming home. So, Homefield, you know, when we first found it, at least, one of the appeals of this brand was that they had smaller schools,

schools that were hard to find other places, schools that were really interesting, like, it was kind of like digging through a cool record crate. And, you know, we've loved seeing them grow, and we've loved seeing them add the pits in the Michigan states and the Auburns of the world. But it's just nice that they're like, okay, let's go back to like that classic niche small, not even, like, are they going to play in a bowl game? They're not even eligible for a bowl game. It's not how it works here.

They're about like, you know, the small craft of football you've never heard of and don't want to, and can't watch. And that's Florida State. And that's what I love about it, is that you get these classic, like, oh, Florida State, Jacksonville State rivalry game. Cool. Like, let's launch an apparel section based on that alone. Like, I love that game.

I love to see that every year to see, is this the year when, you know, the Noles can finally get the right side of that rivalry and this year it was and that's why i think there's great things ahead for mike norville at the d2 level well i have really cool thank you ryan and thank you jason and spencer for holding space for that i just thought that was a really valuable perspective oh you're welcome you know jinkos are coming back uh starter jackets nazis again are incredibly fashionable right now i'm just thinking of 90s things right Oh, gotcha. You know, 90s fashions are just popping up all over the place.

And what is more? 90s fashionable than a Florida State University football shirt. You will be the coolest person of 1993. And therefore, the coolest person of 2020. I will tell you this, that if you really, and I say this with all sincerity, are a Florida state fan, because we're all not perfect, and you can feel it in your bones, and you really want to rep it, When will you have a better opportunity to demonstrate your absolute and total loyalty to the program than by buying a Florida State t-shirt right now in this program's history?

Right now in this moment when Florida State is currently subterranean in terms of quality and in terms of outlook. When you are below the water table and looking up and going, man, it's real dark right now. well what better time to go ahead and rep hard for your school and show everybody that you're not the die hard but you're the survive hardest that you're the one who's going to take to these streets in a Florida state shirt and say yeah sure we just lost 72 to nothing to wake forest but I'm still here I can't be killed or that's the score that's the score to be to come yeah so fSU fan what you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're you're familiar with this. Each week you will be the greatest sad fan meme of the week. That is your role as an FSU fan. When you appear in that meme,

you know, the shirtless guy reading a book, it's been done. The glitter guys, it's been done. The glitter guys wear masks. That's amazing. They're the only people in Tallahassee who do. The last survivors in Tallahassee would be the glitter guys. Do you want to be in that meme frozen in time forever

when you get blasted off the field by Virginia Do you want to look your best? Do you want to do it in a comfortable gray hoodie? I think you do. I think that's the right choice. The other thing I like about, I haven't seen, and I'll be honest, I don't want to see it.

Don't send it to me, Connor. I haven't seen what the collection looks like, but I'm betting it's not going to be plastered with large, all caps, like, raw, raw phraseology that looks really stupid when your team is getting, like it doesn't you don't want to wear a Florida state unconquered shirt when your team is losing 3610 to Virginia Tech that sucks so just this way you get to support your team you get to wear something very comfortable and you don't have to walk around saying I don't understand what words mean yeah also by the way when you're caught in the stands hitting an open tank of nitrous right? Right. One, nobody's going to get on you because you're wearing a mask, right? They didn't say what kind of mask.

Which that's what I want, by the way, is I want somebody in a spanking, crisp, clean, flattering. Like maybe you've been going to the gym, maybe you got them traps popping. I guarantee you the fit on the home field's well-tailored, like a portion shirt. It's going to look fantastic and it's going to feel fantastic. You know what else is going to feel great? Hitting that tank of nitrous when you're loosened by 40 on air. on national TV. Mom's going to be so proud that you chose a drug

that's like vintage, retro. Dentists use it. And dentists make great money. How in the confluence of Lane Kiffin and Old Miss at a Kentucky game, did we not get somebody in full gas mask vaporig at that contest? Yet.

All right. I mean, we could, I'm still waiting on. I feel like we just missed our best shot. Some guy who's social distances by making his immense vaporig. his surroundings like he takes up the other four like the bad guy from mad max theory road but with vaping morton joe but for old miss listeners out there if you are if you are vape bane go ahead and send us a photo of your bane vape rig and um if you were born in the dankness uh sir i need you to take that off it would be very painful it would be it would not be very based

Anyway, you use offer code full casks, get 20% off your first order at home field apparel. And if you're a Seminole fan, you're going to want to keep that extra money because Florida State will be hitting you up for it when they're paying, I don't know, Josh Heipel's buyout in three years. Oh, God. Go, Noles. You don't ever get enough credit for being the mean one, right? I'm sorry, yeah. Okay. Now I'm just hearing in my head, flim, flam, bim, bam, bam.

Hold miss, my damn. Are you ready, Gotham? No, I know who I was until the 1980s. Bain wouldn't have respected Colonel Reb either because he doesn't like quitters. That's true. I saw the light. Do you feel in charge?

It's all Miss football, Bain. Never. Never. Every game we don't feel in charge. but by the way i cannot wait i cannot wait just one little note before we get into our actual mailbag question here i cannot wait to watch old miss alabama this weekend because there's no chance that old miss is going to beat alabama but they're going to freak him out for about three or four minutes of this game and all that PTSD is going to come just flooding back to bama fans veins

11 quarterbacks on the field yeah 11 quarterbacks on the field what i picture is lane's playbook is his game plan for this week is 80 trick plays all right but then there's five regular plays and he's going to do those five plays while Nick Sabin just sits there and boils I know this little shit

and he's going to kind of snort and snicker the whole time too yeah Lane looks down at the game plan and goes like tee that's a good one and then he calls the play in and it's a it's a draw and Sabin's like this bastard is he knows the trick plays are coming

and then they never happen I hope the audibles coaching version of I'm not touching you I hope the audibles are all things that Lane knows from personal experience are eating at Nick Sabin like you just see the quarterback get down and be like replace the tile in the half bathroom

replace the tile in the half bathroom and Nick Saban just like oh been meaning to do that for months I mean if all the calls are things Nick Sabin hates the quarterback just gets out there and yells Lane Kiffin I don't know if you saw but in the Green Bay Atlanta game

Aaron Rogers called out hard count as the hard count literal hard like a fucking Pokemon right yeah deep throw pass I really hope that I really hope that

Lane Kiffin makes Matt Corral do that just like hey yell out what you're going to do before you do it right like bootleg rodding pass charging charging it's throwing the ball way like a seven-year-olds play football right yeah yeah like announcing their own plays except if it's old miss matt kraal's going to have to go intentional grounding being served game killing interception disappointed yeah the Kevin Sorbo

offense that's what we're running read your cues out loud man you know not this whole like ooh I got to do 48 lines in code like John Gruden does it's a West Coast offense call no man read the script

literally read the script I like this because then when Ole Miss gets blown off the field Lane will just be like well they had all the I mean frankly I'm surprised they didn't score more yeah maybe if we had and tipped them off on every play on purpose.

They would have kept it within 38, but I think with the amount of information that we gave them. The media is like, yeah, we should drop Alabama in the rankings, but that's what Nick Saban wants. So it really works all in his favor. Why is the entire offensive line out there with their jock straps on? This is really, I don't even think that's legal. Arts art. Just, just pay, just pay. Terrible shotgun snap.

Horrible shotgun snap. This week's question, we have chosen. 1. It's from at Sedna underscore 51. And the question is, what's the best team to support for somebody totally new to college football? Note, please define best in whatever way you please. Do we want to do a round of recommendations? We can do a round table. We can, we can workshop this. I have, I can start because. Now, we've done this before, right, when we picked out a team for Dan Devine? Yes, we've done this before.

And then we gave him West Virginia. Sorry, Dan. Sorry, sorry, Dan. But that was for a specific person, and this is less tailored, more universal, right? Yeah, and I'm going to try to get it right and as right as I can. That is also unlike this show, so that will also be different. I want to do this. I want to do it for somebody who I don't want to assign them. I don't want to give them a Sisyphia and Task of Reading for a team that's going to be

perennially bad. So I can't do that. I can't say, oh, you should definitely be a Vanderbilt fan because being a Vanderbilt fan is a lonely hard road. The highs aren't very high and the lows are consistent, abundant and very, very low. So I can't make it's like being a vampire hunter. It's very lonely. It's the Van Helsing of college football bases. Right. That's where the V and that's the V and the logo is for. It's Van Helsing. It's not Vanderbilt. They're Commodores, because because they're sailing to Hungary to hunt a notorious vampire. Sailing's from Nashville. Sailing from Nashville, down the Cumberland.

Which a Vanderbilt fan would do, right? Oh, we're sailing down the Cumberland. It's going to be great. No, so I can't do that for you. And I want to give a team that's going to give you a broad, a good taste of a broad selection. of college football's color peculiarities and locale so i want to get a team that sees cool shit and visits a number of different places that are all unique and interesting so i got to get

a team that you know is in a conference where there's a lot of that but they also play some out of conference games so we definitely need that so not florida not florida florida's out because we do not travel right so who am i going to give you if i was going to give you some but okay, well, you might travel. You want to be consistent, but, you know, I'm not even going to put the pressure of championships on you. You don't want a team the travels. So, locally speaking, I was going to go ahead and say this.

I think even someone to Ohio State, Ohio State might be a pretty good call for a team to follow it. Because they do. I strongly disagree with this, but go ahead. Go ahead. Okay, so they do schedule out of conference pretty well. they usually end up with a marquee game like every other year or so

they get a good home and home they still schedule those they win pretty consistently you will get a national title every now and then you'll get conference titles pretty consistently you won't necessarily have the most interesting things to watch

in your own stadium there's a few things right there's a little bit of color there but you're going to get to go around the Big Ten and see some interesting stuff you have a great rivalry in terms of a rivalry with Michigan and there's a lot of you

right really thought he was going to say Penn State I really thought he was going to say I thought you were going to say Michigan State I was really hedging there because I couldn't figure out I actually did a triple move because I was like well I could play fake it and then go to Penn State then I thought it's funnier if I just say Michigan because y'all are going to think I say Penn State right yeah you're right you got me yeah that was very galaxy brain

nicely yeah yeah yeah I went I am in the lotus position with cosmic energy from every pore right that's so I think Ohio state's a pretty good call because also there's a lot of you you'll be really visible i'm talking for the very very basic fan not the sickos like us looking in the window and going ha ha ha sunbelt wednesday i disagree with this conclusion okay because i think there's in a vacuum what you're saying makes sense but college football is not experienced in a vacuum and if you decide if we decide for this stranger hey you're an ohio state fan now we have now baptized them in to a subculture that may not fit their sense of themselves,

their goals for who they want to be. What if they're a good person? Right. And now you said, you're like Buckeye guy. You are the kind of person who would show up to a coach's funeral you don't know and sign the card. I think one of them did. I don't remember which one. I don't remember this.

No, that would be, that would be Buck, that would be Buckeye guy. Yeah, he showed up uninvited to some, some Earl, Earl Bruce's funeral, yeah. Yeah. Wow. I just, listen, I'm not even mad. I just crave that level of self-possession. Now, to be fair, obviously, Buckeye guy is like an extreme end, but I think still, like, I don't know. I don't, I don't think Ohio State fandom is for everyone. And it's not for most people. people and that's why thank god that's why you only get like late night commercials for it does ohio state fandom advertise on the acc network probably tactical fandom

fandom yeah i think i like i'm thinking you want something that's going to be a little more like have a little bit less of a stigma i think is what i'm saying like like Not that Ohio State is a bad thing, but it's a very well-defined thing, and that doesn't necessarily fit you. In the same way that, like, being a Miami fan is a very well-defined thing. We're being, you know. So I would say I'm leaning in a very different direction, and I'm thinking App State is an interesting way for somebody to come in, because you're still going to get, you're still going to get a good and interesting football team to root for. you're not going to get the playoff hunt in it but like i'm going to be honest that shit sucks like in in ohio state's case especially it's not like making the playoff makes you happy

half the time it just makes you frustrated when you convince the world is turned against you half the time you don't score any points and that's that's the other half right so like i don't think rooting for one of the biggest of the big boys is all that gratifying to somebody coming in brand new. So if you're upstate, you get the benefit of we're a good team. They also schedule pretty well. So you'll get to see some interesting, you get to see some interesting non-conference opponents. You play in a conference that you can win, that you should win frequently.

And that means you're going to get to go to bowl games, you know, against the string opponents. And like Ohio State, you also have a rivalry with Michigan. I think that's a lonely path, man. That's for the beginning fan, that's a lonely world. It's a lonely world. Look, maybe App State is like too far in the other direction, but you're like, I don't know, man. You're basically saying to somebody with you, if somebody just popped out of the womb and you're like, you're an Ohio State fan now, it's like, well, okay, where do I get the tattoo? Where's my accordion?

I mean you know most of the world's pretty basic is that it that's it that's all you've got so a neck tattoo occasionally I try to speak normal and it doesn't come out of my mouth well but I think it's accurately said most of the world's pretty basic I think by definition it's very accurate

here's my final argument against Ohio State think about all of the things that you have to be mad about if you are an Ohio state fan you get mad about so many like it doesn't you you're right yeah you're you're rooting for a list of grievances yeah you're you're essentially Spencer you're telling this is like being born Catholic like yes the resources are there yes the history is there but you're going to be in such a bad mood all the time oh you know what you don't have to know anything somebody Just like Catholics don't know anything. No, sit, stand, Neil, sit, stand, Neil, you're out in 45 minutes.

There, see, Ohio State football. Run, run, run, pass. That's the same thing. That's Army football out in 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah, that's run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Run, run, run, run, run, run.

I just, yeah, I think, I think you are putting somebody into a box that they may not be comfortable with and i think we should find something that is a little more welcoming and has like has more room for for an individual to get ported in and not have to be okay okay mr i'm bringing hickama salad to the barbecue was hickama i'm sorry hickama salad it's it's more like never mind i was going to make a hick joke but you're equating appalachian fucking state with hickama salad no no i was saying you even know how many of our listeners are going to know what you mean when you say hickama because it starts with a j that listen who's the hipster the pull of hickama salad for a joke is in itself a hipster move extremely from once i know from whence i speak i'm just

saying fancy lad i'm trying to translate to the like you know the common valk here no you're not not with hickama salad do you know how you know how many people are Ohio State fans and are just normal basic folks telling you a lot of them. Yeah, but they don't have the luxury, like they are still of a community with the people who

will go out and be like, I'm going to hold up a sign because Urban Meyer's been suspended for two and a half games. Those are Ohio State fans too. You get lumped in. Lumped in. Lumped. All those lumps.

All right. Agree to disagree. clearly yeah yeah so we we have we have either Jason or Holly who would who would prefer to tell first I mean I can go I feel like I have a a few and I think it depends on your level of commitment because Ohio State it's a big commitment you got you got to worry about football 365 days if you're an Ohio State fan if you're an App State fan maybe it's down to a few months if you're a Michigan fan you know still you got to worry about it but it's a different kind of worry

Central Arkansas, which we have mentioned several times on this show, I think had a good case going into the game against North Dakota State. North Dakota State's only game of the year to have been participating in the FCS national title game based on being the very rare FCS team capable of holding a winning record at any point this season. They were two and one. That's insane. And Central Arkansas is going to keep going. So if you like low-stakes football in a team that just is delighted to be here, Central Arkansas,

If you take it up a level to the G5 level, SMU, is very fun, very good, 4 and O. And, you know, in a functioning sport, it would make a run at a playoff bid, but it could be a terror in the New Year 6 bowl if we happen to make it that far. I would say we could go all the way to BYU, but they're way too good, so let's dial it down and go with Ole Miss. I thought you were going to say Texas. No, not that far. We're just going to Old Miss. No, we've talked enough tonight about small schools that aren't. Because Ole Miss, number five in yards per play.

Very exciting, right? That's pretty fun. At the same time, Ole Miss in yards per play aloud is, scroll, scroll, scroll, last. Every play in an Ole Miss game averages basically eight yards, no matter who is holding the football. Wow. You think that number is going to hold steady an hour? Alabama is on the schedule next.

Let's ring up some numbers. How did Jalen Waddle have a 140 yard touchdown pass reception? Jesus. Pass and reception. Yeah, yeah. He ran clear to the gift shop. Okay. By the way, I was just, I just want to say Jason is the most sadistic among us because you're letting a stranger get themselves exposed to oldness.

Well, I mean, I don't expect you to. No, this is, this is her mentality, brother. Okay, jigsaw. I don't think it's about like adopting. Did she just call me jigsaw? No, I call Jason Jigsaw. Like, no, no, no, no, it's fine. All they have to do is reach the saws across the room

and the other people will die, thus saving them. Jason Jigsaw, Kirk. Well, it's less about, we're not, you know, we're not advising you to attend the University of Mississippi or become an Ole Miss, like, lifelong fan. You know, it's just watching Ole Miss games and caring about what happens. It's going to be a lot of stupid shit.

Who doesn't want to watch that? I think I only have one addendum. First of all, I think I agree with Jason's more than I agree with Spencer's. And I will point out that by picking SMU and by me picking App State, we have both picked home field schools and Spencer did not because Spencer's a bad partner. Yeah, we're the NASCAR drivers who are doing the proper job during the press conference. That's right. Shouts out to Mountain Dew.

Thank you. I like to think Aaron's rent to own. The only addendum I will add to Jason's is that by going with SMU and then leveling up to Ole Miss, whoever this mystery fan is, you better have a cocaine budget. And you better stick to it. Do you like to party? What do you mean by party, buddy? Also, level of that was strictly in terms of conferences.

because looking at the ratings. Wait, cocaine ratings? Okay, what is that? We have those? Ole Miss, this is one way in which Ole Miss is not quite wide enough. What do you think the C is for in Bill C? Yeah, S&P stands for snort and puff, buddy. Snort and party.

What are the lines for the weekend? Let's check them out. Smart and the parlay. Take a look at the lines. Oh, that's why Ludd is so energetic all this. I get the early lines on Sunday. I get the, as soon as they come out, they send me the lines. Where's those fishing shirts because he's sweating through them.

Oh, that line's going to move. Here come to big money to hit that line hard. By Friday, that line will be toast. Now it's time to check the internet for price discrepancies that I can exploit. I've been hammering those lines since Sunday. I just love Jason being the pusher with Old Miss. No, one year won't hurt. You won't be hooked.

No, it'll be fine. There we go. Yeah. Well, I don't think I have a less coaked up choice. Boy. But that shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone. I would argue for this mystery fan, whether you're getting into college football because the regular sports that you like to watch

you're not on television or because you're just home more often than you were in the before times. But I would argue that in 2020 especially, and for a lot of national college football fans who are not overburdened with worldly wealth to be able to shuttle back and forth to all these games and whatnot, picking a college football team cold isn't so much about the football as it is about the experience. And I speak from a little bit of experience myself because I went through very briefly a stint where I was trying to pick a baseball team in 2007. And I consulted a friend of mine who was a baseball writer. I had just moved to Los Angeles.

And all I knew was that I didn't want to be an Angels person because those people are mall people. And they terrify me. And she said, well, okay, you need to consider a few basic parameters. You want a national brand. Like it doesn't have to be a use. CLA or a Notre Dame, but if you're going to be a fan of this team, it needs to be something that you don't have to shell out for the God tier cable package to get, right? You want it to be fairly easy entry into being able to watch this team on a regular basis. You also want a fan

base that is not going to piss and moan at you being a sidewalk alum because you want people who are just happy to join the party. You guys with me so far? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Okay, like they don't, they don't have to be unrouty. You don't want to like sidle up to a, you know, a group of just placid Boston college fans. Like, hey, guys, what's happening? Would anyone like a vegan chai latte? But, you know, nor do you want to, as Ryan said, jump directly into the deep end with the Miami fans because A, cocaine budget and B, that's very, very, very, very specific.

And you want to start with a more generalized kind of good time fan. before you move into these more niche groups to that end i would suggest two teams and i'm astonished one of you guys hasn't brought them up so far uh the first one of these is boise state if you are if you are into uh if you're into rooting for an underdog here is a set of grudges that you can adopt that are while they're not necessarily friendly because lord knows boys he has been fucked over enough times. They're easy to root for, right? It's not known for being a particularly toxic swath of human beings. Their games are on late at night. And when you're rooting against something bad that is happening to Boise, you're generally rooting against the larger power structures of college

football, which can only be good for you as a human being on balance. The second team, if you are interested in a team that technically could, though probably won't play for a national championship, but also is not going to get too worked up about that because, again, this is supposed to be fun. Brothers and sisters, what can I do, but invite you to consider Arizona State? That's pretty good. That's a pretty good answer. Yeah. My only, my only tweak on that would be the Pact 12 network is kind of hard to find sometimes. But sometimes that's a blessing. Counterpoint, Arizona State tends to end up on these late-night games on the big networks. Yeah, that's true.

Arizona State has real, you want a Friday night team. Other games are also 13 to 11. And who doesn't like a close thriller? I think there is one chaos answer still here. I think you could just say Auburn. You could just say, let's still be an Auburn fan. Because that way, at the very least, like, everything we've described is sort of like trying to give people a pathway that we think will be predictable. But what if we just abandon that and said the whole point of doing this is that you're getting involved in something that you can't control that changes wildly week to week and that is often inexplicable?

And like, if you're going to feel that way, just go be an Auburn fan. there's some evidence for this because Stephen Fry in his series on America goes to the Iron Bowl when it's hosted at Auburn he's completely taken by the experience overwhelmed just a very welcoming they face paint him and he's like oh they have lemonade and is so completely

just floored by the Auburn experience that I could see this working on a total outsider but I will also say I think Arizona State for the outsider would be a very compelling experience because if I took somebody who knew nothing about America and immediately dropped them in Tempe, Arizona on Game Day, I think they would get the entire manual to this nation in about three pages worth of very concise and accurate information. What have we compromised? House divided Auburn, Arizona State dormant.

I mean, that just screams. Oh, you used to be in pharmaceuticals, right? But then the thing happened, and you're not allowed to. to do that anymore. I love Jesus and Adderall. Yeah, I was going to say, I love Jesus, but I snort a little. Well, now we're back to SMU. Shit.

By the way, I have yet to think of a better pick than SMU. Yeah. For all of our, for all of our overreasons. I think I don't, I don't know. I kind of like selling people in Old Miss because what's more American then? Hey, just make a down payment on this. Now you're in for life. I mean, where Auburn has the edge here in this is that if you jump directly into Auburn

and claim to be a lifelong Auburn fan, they will know you are bullshitting. But because they are so wrapped up in there, oh, we're just church folks, you know, they have to be nice to you. Sure. Also, yeah, also super boom and bust too, right? Like, how you doing this year? we're in the body couldn't be better two years later it's like oh dear god please give me a dollar man you in a new city have you just moved to Atlanta do you need to make friends walk up to someone in an Auburn shirt in the grocery

store I don't care what year it is I don't care if it's 2020 whatever pick a week walk up to somebody in an Auburn shirt at Kroger and go man I got to get rid of Gus friend for life the way I think about it is college football is kind of like a casino in that you can go different places and your odds will change accordingly. So Spencer, Ohio State, that's like playing the craps table. When it's fun, it's really fun. But when it's not fun, it sucks pretty hard. And like, there is an expectation that you were there hopefully to make some money. Some, you know, being a Vanderbilt fan, since that was the other one, like that's penny slots, where it's like, I'm here, I'm here to spend time and hopefully I will get like a free sprite

out of the experience ultimately like not aiming that higher that low just want to like get out intact every other school is like something in between but Auburn

Auburn is like when the casino starts a new game and you go you're like I've never heard of this game I don't know the rules I don't know the odds blackjack switch yeah like here's a thousand dollars I'm going to put it down here let's see what happens I don't know

what's going to happen. I don't know what should happen. I don't know if I'm being cheated. That's the Auburn experience. Also, one last argument in favor of Auburn that I think is the clincher. Who's got the biggest TV? Wow. And

home field school. Back to that. So Auburn and Arizona State have never faced each other. Really? Yeah. It's called missionary work, Auburn. maybe you should maybe pay a trip to to ungospeled peoples you should have learned about it in church if you were paying attention if you'd actually attended once in a while uh i know i sure did i certainly did i don't know about

auburn so pact 12 versus SEC games very rare very difficult to arrange a bowl game between those but uh the Vegas bowl going forward that is an SEC versus pack 12 game so Auburn Let's do it. You can, not only can you evangelize to the literal devils, you can do it in the city of sin. Now, this is a test of faith. Are you up for it, Bob? Are you? Will you put your yes on the table and go to the Las Vegas Bowl?

The royal purple, like the robes of the king of kings himself. The mechanically lubricated royal purple Las Vegas ball. Jesus was the original mechanic because he fixes the valves in your heart. And just like Auburn, you go into casino, you're like, there are a lot of wild animals here. They don't all match the theme. God, I hope Florida faces Arizona State in that game because it would be like, at last, bro. Ryan Lockty, meet Ryan Lockty. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. They got each other pregnant. Everyone got married. Everyone got married. got married and divorced Florida Arizona State I've also not met so Vegas Bowl it's gonna be fun it's gonna be well Florida Arizona State scheduled a home-and-home did they oh yeah that happened in the before time as my daughter would say before the germ oh yeah so that all definitely happened yeah look what happened Florida Arizona State

scheduled a game and immediately the plague was like the shines in let's go yeah China was like no way no We can't let this much greatness accumulate in one place. America will become too powerful. When the bronze beat the bronzers.