Shutdown Fullcast - The Shape of Success

Episode Date: February 16, 2021

--Can't sleep, must think about Baconator --an ode to the most essential Panda Express on the planet --All Gus Malzahn does is cash checks he will never spend --Everyone belongs to one of four human tribes: The Zappers, Wild Aces, Beasts, or Glacier Boyz --Holly challenges us to work onside kicks into every sport --YE ATE ME DART --Spencer just wants to steal horses  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We were in the drive-thru. I had to do some driving errands, and I was like, okay, I'll take her with me. And as a reward for being good or whatever, I was like, okay, we'll go split a frosty together. So we're in the line, and she looks at me and she says, Dad, what is that sandwich? And it's a huge poster of a blown-up baconator. And I'm like, well, that's just like, you know, a really big hamburger with a lot of bacon on it. And she says, who is that for? it's too big it's got too much bacon and too much meat it's true and so she fixated on it while

we're in the car but we get home then she wants to tell her mom about it and she's she at one point she conspiratorily whispers to me you would take a huge poop after eating that that's also and she looks around the table she says wait dad you're big it's not for you i am small it's not for me mom is medium it's not for her it's not for anyone And then, the three bacon eaters. What about the Shaq? What about Shaq? I don't know if she knows who Shaq is.

Okay. How to talk to your child about Shaq? She gets woken up at 3.30 in the morning because like our smoke alarm, the battery went out because it always goes off at 3.30 of the morning because that's how these things work. We calm her down. She's just like, Mom, I need to talk to you about this huge burger. Just like, won't shut up. And she stayed up for an extra hour fixated on the baconator

and the terror of it. $8,000 $8,000 of fireworks, $10,000 dollars about fireworks and an illegal retainer. welcome to the shutdown forecast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast i am spencer hall and i have a question for you perpetual guest ryan annie um if your daughter

was focused on the baconator you're asking who the baconator is for yeah What would be a bad thing to do after eating a baconator? Like, what would be any activity that you're not bad? Swim. Ticwondo. Ticuando is a good one. Swim to Taekwondo would be up there. A fight with a bow staff?

Volleyball. Go to a church where you're not, where it's like not cool to leave in the middle of service to go to the bathroom. Like a no-farts church? Yeah, a no-farts church, yep. One of them not. The Vatican, I assume, is a no-for-fart. Church. No, it's a

Pope Farts Church. That's actually what Missouri Synod means. That's why them ceilins are high on the Vatican. Gotta let that up. Honestly,

I wouldn't get on a plane right after eating a baconator. Because it wouldn't take off. Yes, that's right. The pilots, like him,

giving it everything I got. All right. Someone's going to eat a baconator. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to need somebody on the left side of the plane to also eat a

baconator. we got a wing dragon do I have a doctor in the house okay good good can you watch this man and make sure he doesn't die eating this do we have a doctor pepper in the house that is those are all great answers

can I can I give you an equal challenge please what if I told you this thing what if I substituted Panda Express who Whoa. Yeah. That's a low floor, high ceiling risk spectrum there. Because, you know, you could grab yourself some, you could grab yourself some steam rice, some green beans.

I don't think that's what happened. No. No, but, yeah. When was the last time anybody did that at Panda Express ever? Like, somebody might have done that. I don't think that's what NASCAR driver Chase Briscoe did. Because Chase Briscoe, if you don't know, yesterday was. the Daytona 500.

Woo! I'm obligated to do that by my, by Creed, and by Gene, I have to do that. Yeah, and here's what happens to the Daytona 500 sometimes. It's in Florida, sometimes it rains. Sometimes there are a long rain delay. Sometimes six, sometimes seven hours like yesterday. So when that happens, the drivers are kind of at out ends as to what to do.

Chase Briscoe decided that a good thing to do would be to go to Panda Xx. During the race. During the rain delay. Yeah, because the rain delay happened and he decided, well, I got nothing else to do. I'm going to drive to Panda Express and load up. Did he drive in his NASCAR? He did not, which I know why he didn't, because you got to take that net down every time. That's just a pain in the butt.

You can tell that he's got a capacious truck, though, because you can see one of those handles on the inside, like next to the steering wheel, where you got to like fling yourself into the seat yeah this man this man is not going here in like a duke ranch this is a full king ranch okay whatever he's driving and chase briscoe went and got panda express now in case the timing wasn't bad enough like i know you might eat the pandexpress and feel okay right might feel shelf stable so to speak for a good couple of hours afterwards real shelf stable or like bon apatite says it's shelf stable uh the the latter Okay.

Not the former. But then there was another six hours of delays before he had to get back in the car meeting. I think our man, Chase Briscoe, was probably mission critical by the time he got back at his fire suit and got back in the race. And also, he crashed out. So in case you wonder whether all of that Panda Express under pressure in his digestive system was placed under significant pressure during the race? Yeah, yeah, it was, because he crashed.

so good luck chase briscoe what i'm saying is that you're the most daring man in the world for filling your gullet full of pan-express and then getting into the confines of a race car for the better part of another two hours including a high-speed crash i believe this was this was either his first or second cup series race as well oh does not care whether he lives or dies like like this This is, this to me, you say this, and to me, I'm like, this is a move of somebody who's got, I don't know, like 70 races under their belt. And granted, he's raced, you know, other levels before, whatever. But man, what a decision this is.

No, the thing he has under his belt is Panda Express. This is a man who really knows his Tum-Tum. Yeah. That's how I know, by the way, Trixgo is also under 30, right? Yeah. That he's like, yeah, man, just go ahead. Let's just slap some Panda Express. He could probably eat the containers it came in at that point and be fine.

Spencer. This makes me think we should have teen NASCAR. Just like, I'm running low on Mountain Dew. I need a full tank. I need a full tank. Can you do a mid-air refueling like in the old Nintendo Top Gun video game, but with like Baja blast? Yeah, more Baja blast.

Spencer, where do you think Chase Briscoe is from? chase briscoe is from i'm going to guess north carolina indiana indiana listen who's better equipped to know about uh chain restaurants of volusia county that's a good point large stretches of florida remember are just soggy indiana volusia county is one of those i can verify yeah but yeah if he's if he's like if we can have teen NASCAR? Oh, man. Man, I thought you said teen NASCAR. I'm like, that's just teens. That is what I said.

Teen NASCAR, yeah. Yeah, teen NASCAR. NASCAR for teens. That's like the teen NASCAR developmental circuit where we let- Mom, I'm going to youth group. Why'd you crash? Well, I had eight cans of monster on the floor, and one of them just like flew up, blinded me for a second. I went to the back of him. I saw his vapor egg go out the side. Just that. Just, just a bad idea.

That's really what we're coding, right, Jason? It's not T NASCAR, it's a bad idea, NASCAR. Worse idea, NASCAR's already a horrible idea. It's a horrible idea. I'm looking at the Wikipedia page. When you tune in to the Super Bowl of NASCAR and everyone just says, I wonder when the accident that we know is going to happen that has a pre-nickname, I wonder when that's going to be.

The sport is a bad idea. I am so excited to see the disaster. When will it happen? Because it is going to. I'm happy to report that Panda Express. The expansion of it nationwide, really, is largely due, or at least a good part of it is due, to former UCLA head football coach Terry Donahue. No way.

Yep. I don't think I've ever lived anywhere near a Panda Express. So the business started as a, uh, as like a single location called Panda Inn in Pasadena. And Terry Donahue and his brother, Dan Donahue, like, were friends with the owners. And the brother was like, hey, I own the Glendale Galleria. Why don't you, like, figure out a food court version of your restaurant? And that is how Panda Express started.

That is probably the most significant. contribution to football ucella has made over the last 30 years sure because think of how many linemen have been built in part or in whole out of panda express yeah uh i've also learned that a lot of high school linemen forged at the panda express i've also i've also learned that terry donno he turned down the cowboys job at one point he did not turn it down to do any other job He had been out of football for three years at that point. That's great. He just said, nah.

Yeah, that is correct. That's a lot to. I'd rather just sit on my Panda Express riches. Which I too would, because I'd have to reckon with, you know, like Panda Express, what if we wrought? We've wrought a lot of, it's been a lot of good, it's a lot of bad. Panda Express is behind a lot of, a lot of Uncalfield of Nasscar. nights yeah just like NASCAR and it's possible I've never actually been to Panda Express

never been inside have you been to one at a mall before I don't think so okay I know this is all very interesting I have I have one which as soon as the pandemic is concluded I will visit and I will regard it as a pilgrimage

and that would be the Panda Express on the Vegas strip that is hell yes yeah yeah brother because you know what Do you know what's been there for me, good or bad at three in the morning? Do you know what has been there consistently mediocre, hot and ready whenever I needed it in Las Vegas?

We know what has brought me amazing luck and also bad luck. But I discount that for the purposes of this discussion. Yes, the Panda Express on the strip in Las Vegas. And I think what we're hearing is that this Panda Express comes sort of pre-necestate. like this Panda Express will be the fulfillment of the thing that demands the Panda Express like it's only this great

if you put yourself in a particular state right yeah one would have to require the Panda Express it seems in essential in a normal resting state however in a heightened sense of awareness one finds the Panda Express

to be particularly palliative yeah it's very quantum it's only if you're If you're observing it in a particular state, it's excellent. I really hope that there isn't actually a Panda Express on the strip. It's something only I see an experience when I go to Vegas. It's like Brigadune, but with scorched egg rolls. This is your Harry Potter's like magic train track.

This is my station. This is my station. Track 10 and a half or whatever. 69 and a quarter. To hog farts. Yeah. When I go to school at Hawk Farts in Vegas and major in roulette, and I've had a really long night.

I go to Platform 69 and a quarter. Wow. And I then go to the Peda Express that only I can see. Wow. Professor Carrotop is here. Amazing. Professor Rita Skimble Shanks. No, no, no, no.

you did this yeah that's defense against the dark arts will be taught by Chris Angel this year how did you miss the defense against the dark farts right there that is not what happens at Panxpress if anything that's playing too light for like playing too loosely with the dark farts if you're eating at Panics Precious Dark Farts Yeah I'm so glad that we got to

experience this all together That's what this podcast does This is a stretch of us And together So A couple of things actually have happened That we probably need to discuss That would be one

Guess who made more money I didn't think it was possible for this man to make more money because there's two people who I'm like if you had seen them in high school and you'd said these men are going to pull down so much money you would have been lapped out of the room

one is Will Mustchamp who I think we can all safely say that in high school nobody would accuse of being the most successful person nobody would have looked at that man and gone yeah I see checks just poured out of that man

I don't know he's from Val Dosta right oh no no no he's from he's from like around Bainbridge I think I thought that was Kirby yeah no i think they're from they're from like basically the same part but i will i will very well i just think they look at will must champ's shape and they think oh man that's that man he's going to use that shape he's got he's got the shape of success look at it look at that neck look at that body of a russian nesting doll there's just multiple fortunes nested inside him oh look at the skull on that

fella he's going to be a winner coach is singing to each other oh work out he's from oh no he grew up in gainsville florida remember for a while but then i believe i believe he went to uh where did he go to high school he went to high school in gainsville too also at rome georgia he's so so floyd county so he's from rome yeah i mean i i i would imagine he was not the dumbest person at his high school Yeah, so maybe most successful. But yeah, here's the other one. Gus Malzahn.

Because today, Gus Melza just made another $11 million because he became a head coach at UCF. Can we talk about this on the next episode? Because I've decided in honor of the holiday that I'm not going to get mad about UCF getting a better coach than Tennessee out of this until, like, tomorrow. Oh, sure, sure.

We can postpone that. Or I'll just play Nintendo and y'all can talk amongst yourself. we can push it a little bit I just wanted to say in addition to the 20 plus million that he's getting from Auburn guaranteed oh we're going to keep talking about this

all right he's getting 11 mil I'm fucking believe she asked so nicely maybe this is about an NCAA dynasty in which UCF hires guest Melzon and Tennessee

has continued to employ someone who's very cool and smart so just hypothetically UCF is its own self-contained thing that employs Gus Malzon

that does help hypothetical hypothetical wow now there's another guy with a successful shape man there's so many okay now I feel better

look at him he does you know you see him behind the curtain like Hitchcock and all Tennessee Boosters Just like, ah, you are like us. It's got like, just walked up and they're like, the Pagallat da da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-do.

Cable pot. The Pankwit's here. There are 18 Pandas Express in Orlando. Pantas Express. Fuck me, Panda Express. You think there's one panda running all that, did you? That's fair. I mean, and granted, like, Google Maps is kind of.

They're notoriously lazy animals. Google Maps is kind of stretching what Orlando is, but if you just put in Panda Express Orlando, you will get 18 results and then below it, it will say looking for something different. Like, no, Google, I was pretty fucking clear. This is what I want. 18. My God. So we're going to compare them all next season, right? Some of them are like really close to each other too. That's the part that worries me.

like oh did they do that subway thing where like they uh you could just open one wherever yeah we're like subway was famous for this a while back because they all they make all of their money off like selling the licenses yeah of the franchises so they'll open one there's nothing to stop them from opening so they don't care one that already exists yeah right right yeah yeah so will gus make the panda express his thing no longer the wafel house is pan express the wafel house of ralando he's gonna hurt so badly if he does that Boy, you can find me in the back corner at a Poundy Express. I'll just be housing some orange chicken.

Then you can find me in the bathroom. I will be there for a while. Let's take these sites from Golden to Ochre. I'll be hurrying up and I'll be huddling. It'll be weird. I'll tell you, nothing tops off a day of defeating Tulsa by 23 points, but Mongolian beef. We ran through them like that Mongolian.

gangus con what has been proud now there's a guy who could move pretty fast they huddled while they were hurrying up it was incredible he called the plays too you'll note you'll note he called a lot of plays might have been a thing to emulate speaking of hoarding treasures Gus Melzahn's bank account

how's he goes to spend any of that by the way because I know one Orlando is a fine place for Gus Melzon because it's not like oh man what are you going to do in orlando man well gus wasn't doing anything anyway buy an arabian nights man he's just covering the entire asian continent yep yeah is arabian night still a thing i think so it was for a while at least yeah you could do that he's not doing a thing though like he's like that dude that dude with all of his money like i will put a dollar amount on it that guy probably spends 200 to 300 000 a

year that's it for everything is that like when he buys a new house like yeah in which he buys a new house if that like i don't know why they're paying him like that's nobody asked gus didn't ask you his agent did his yes he might not get direct deposit for the first at three weeks that's fine that's fine we'll just buy some we'll just buy some canned peas we'll be we'll be cool like i mean it like i got my sister's HBO max login we'll be fine That's okay. We'll just split a plate at Panda Express. That's it. They've got a family combo. I find it to be a good deal. Gus, I'm going to try and I'm going to try and say what I mean here, and it's probably going to take me a minute.

Gus has a voice that sounds as though his accent should be about 900 times thicker than it actually is. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Like, for having the speech patterns that he does, I feel like he sure. have Ward Burton's accent you know or like a like a Mark Martin he should have he should have the kind of accent where you know that accent where it sounds like you have an entire Jimmy Dean sausage wedged in your yes where it sounds like you are you are making taffy with your body yeah yeah yes but he but he doesn't he

speaks like he speaks something very much closer to like middle American TV English when you but when you hear like when you hear like the tone and the member of his voice. It sounds like he should be like, well, golly! Like, Cohn Brothers movie side character, right? He's TV news anchor chopped and screwed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much so. But he

like, he might have 20 mil in the bank, and I mean, at the end of the year, he's going to have 20 mil. I don't know if he'll spend the interest. That's just and that's not saying he's super cheap, I'm just telling you he's from like

Hill Jack Arkansas and once he buys a boat that's it what you know Christy's not going to spend that much money they once traded like that's my favorite Gus Malzon fact is he once traded a fax machine for a car

like that was they had a car and they needed a fax machine wait the literal car fax wow that's nuts man I've been a car fax give me more money Gus Malzahn makes another 50 million dollars for coming up with the concept

yeah he I just why are you paying him if he didn't have an agent he would have done the job for like like 70 grand to be fair Gus Malzahn not wanting to spread money around is kind of why he's no longer at Auburn too

yeah why you're going to spend money for a player we can we can probably get him for some Zaxby's gifts we have offensive line at home I also feel like if you're UCF why are you spending money it's good well because we're a

power six program that's why we pay our coach a big contract because because we're basically an SEC school that's why oh my God is this the new Utah's in a power conference UCF is not yeah we're UCF we're almost in kind of a power

conference wasn't TNA wrestling based out of Orlando sounds right sure sounds accurate yeah yeah yeah this is late stage rick flair i had a big house on the big side of town my shoes did at one point cost more than your house i i'll get more money in a minute yeah i think they'll be fine just because i think like ucf's a good place for anybody. George O'Leary was successful there. And that makes me think that...

He was also very not successful there. It broke down to mediocre there on the field. Listen, he won, like he had multiple, I believe, double-digit win seasons, which to be says, yeah, anybody can be good there. Just because you got talent, you got a lot of people throwing money at the program. you have a pretty manageable

spread of teams to beat you'll be fine and some other things happened and then some other things happened but if that if that dude who I heard say the word Florida in a public service announcement as

Florida once that dumb ass can be successful there anyone can Gus will be fine is the time to start George or Leary started and ended with winless seasons. That's the circle of suck. Is it time to start saying if Scott Frost could be successful there, anyone can?

Is it? I like that better. Yeah, I like that better. That really puts, that really takes a lot of the fault away from Nebraska. We talk about limited rosters all the time. Let's talk about limited staffs. Fair. It's fair.

Because if that can work, there. Hmm. Man. There's a lot of upside for Gus. That's what I'm saying. And that's our show, everybody. No.

God damn it. We have to cover. Thank you to Panda Express for. Everybody. Oh, I'm sorry. We do have a sponsor to talk about tonight. They haven't given us any money. But we encountered in the wild here in Atlanta.

an 11 year old who listens to the shutdown forecast first of all to this young man's parents what the hell but secondly this young hustler asked us to shout out his youtube channel and he did it very politely to a couple of adults who are uh not his parents despite having been you know shut up in quarantine for most a year he's an 11 year old boy who is somehow not only not feral but had some pretty good gumption about you know hey hey will you will you advertise my YouTube channel on your show this channel is called the Atlanta Reapers I've never looked at it Spencer pull it up sure yeah let's see what we got here yeah so just in case you want to know the reach here yeah we're going to we're going to double are we going to

double the audience of an 11 year old's YouTube channel yes yes we are because you know what he asked does this make us libel criminally perhaps maybe perhaps maybe but we also do oh it's an esports team okay he didn't tell me that yeah he just said youtube channel it's also possible he said what an esports team was and i did not understand it that's entirely possible um this also makes me want to ask did anyone watch quentin fly playing football this past week the fan-controlled football league uh-huh i did not but i just wanted to confirm that that's what that is what and flowers of is it lot tech usf yeah of the of the of the flowers mac backfield that really should have been a video game dynasty jason did you watch any of this

no uh-uh okay y'all it it wasn't bad i mean it does kind of feel like wrestling done as football in the sense that the play call most of the time is go deep. It's like, go deep, go deep. Yeah, we're gonna make exciting things happen. Was Johnny Mansell out there looking like he was gonna puke after running twice in a row? Yeah, yeah. Was it exciting?

Yeah, Quentin Flowers was throwing bombs. I'd watch anything with Quentin Flowers playing football. So it was kind of like the best of both worlds. It was all the good things of arena football combined with all of the that guy parts of a game. Also, I'm not really sure it was real. They could have been making it all up. It felt surreal enough to me.

And it's on Twitch. In case you want to know, like, what channel is it on? It's on Twitch. Are they doing this again? What is this? Yeah, no, no, no. They will have a full league schedule. And one of the teams was called the Zappers.

in case you want to know what level we're at. That's like the most normal name you could have picked from them. The Zappers? Yeah, no, that is the most normal when we have out of the... The beasts, I guess,

are pretty normal too. Yeah, they're fairly normal. But yeah, we have the Zappers, the beasts, other team names. The Wild Aces, and the Glacier Boys Okay, where are they from?

So that's the thing All of the games are played in Duluth Which Duluth? Georgia Okay We don't got a whole lot of glaciers Actually I think I know what type of glaciers There are two things I could see being compared to a glacier

in a rap song recorded in Duluth, Georgia. Sure. So, dealer's choice. Yeah, they're all played at the indoor arena over there. All right, I found the YouTube channel. This is even more charming. Now that I know what it is, it is Atlanta Reaper's official.

Yeah. No, no. Go ahead. The counter gets the bootlegs. This is now, no, this is now the official YouTube channel of this program. Thank you, 11-year-old YouTuber. who approached us in the wild um and to his parents uh you know what he had a lot of manners so congratulations you're you're doing well and for that uh just in case we'll also shout this out

and say future sponsor fan control football because uh i'm looking at these jerseys and i'm gonna need a glacier boy shirt uh yeah that's sick i want one is it glacier b o y z oh yes it is oh man you know the name sucks but wild ace is has some like has has those those Miami vice it's the Milwaukee vice uniform that they selfishly never sent me sappers that looks like some sort of I don't know caffeinated gum brand that's what they're I think it's Glacier Boys for the day and then wild aces when you want to go from boardroom to club yeah and then Beast for the gym as we so often do on this program.

It sounds like this idea for a football league is the seed of a good idea. Does it not? Let's continue doing ads. All right. I love ads. Who doesn't? Sure, we all do. Acorns is an app you can put on your phone.

Why would you do that? Because you can use it to save money and what's more. invest money you push a button you tell it when I spend a dollar 50 I want you to take 50 cents that are left over and put it in my acorns account and then what acorns does is it runs and takes that to the investment market and then the line goes up so you understand acorns.com slash fullcast you get a little a little starter boost line start up not at zero line start above zero That's what we like.

I am on pace for a six-figure retirement at age 83. Let's just put it that way. That's robust. You know what, though? Those seeds and those trees, they don't necessarily have to be mighty oaks even. If you just need to plant a couple of nice prospect trees, I have the kids' early investment. And with just $25 recurring weekly, I'm looking at once. One's got $269 in the bank already.

Another one's got $259. I guess because he's been gambling foolishly on fan-controlled football. What is the disparity there? How'd that happen? I don't know. You don't know? If you tell me one of them was money laundering, I would believe it, especially because it's the younger boy who's apparently $10 down,

and maybe he's just more of an insurance risk, which again, if they came back to me and said he was, was. I'd be like, yeah, absolutely. Maybe he said all the investment, he said all the investment settings to aggressive and the market just ain't hitting right now. Just give it time. Just give a ton. He set his settings to rabid. I have one son that's the U.S. dollar. I have another son that's Bitcoin.

Give it it everything we've got, sir. Next. More aggressive. Next week, Bitcoin's account is worth $40,000 more than U.S. dollars. I set my portfolio to ski mask? Apparently that's risky. I want to retire at age 13. Dad, dad,

dad, how did I get five stars already on my investment account? Why is there a helicopter chasing me? Your portfolio just says, Gat, got, got, cat. Son, line go up too high.

Bring line back down. Money printer go bra. Pop-p-p-p-p-wow-p-wow! Sun-turned-machine off. Yeah, this apparently is with accounts for the $10 disparity, one son being more likely to engage in GTA-style hijinks than another. Either way, though, even with that $10 in risk management,

they're both well on their way to have a nice little sum at the age of 21 of around $25,000 each. So, hey, money-line. It isn't deep going out. Please. Oh, no. What do you think you'll be able to buy in a decade and a half or so for $20,000? What about some home field apparel? That's probably about it.

Pivot! One pair of pants. One pair of doggers. That's what they're going to be going for in the open market, man. Homefield apparel. Ryan, this is traditionally where you hop in. I actually know the home field read are we singing in around here she all right all right home field apparel home home for your field you know the brand you know the quality

you know the snugliness you know the risks you know the risks you knew the risk you need me on that wall you don't feel the pair of shit dot com yeah what can we say that we haven't said before schools you love a hell of a lot of them and more coming schools you haven't heard of but sure should love yeah man like a shitload of him uh just and baptist sure man yep absolutely um you're probably a school a lot of dunk a lot of dunking animals lately for basketball season i know there's a georgetown like a like a ripped georgetown bulldog dunking a basketball i believe the alabama elephant is dunking a basketball they got a surf in zot they got the surfing zat that's a good to go with him to go up and

against the surfing two lane pelican i got to buy another piece of home field apparel yeah you do science demands it um fortunately holly the other pieces you buy will be just as comfortable as the pieces you already own the designs will be just as interesting and pleasing and unusual as the ones you already own the value will be just as exciting just as eccentric just that's that's that's that's That's right. And this is the nice thing. If you buy one piece of home field apparel clothing, like you have one weird item. But as your collection grows, you have a weird wardrobe. You have a confusing and unusual style. And that's really the goal is to get to the point where you are going out in public wearing your joggers. You are wearing, let's say, yeah, let's say your Houston Baptist T-shirt. And over it, you're going to have, what, a Vermont catamount sweatshirt? Does that sound good? Is that a good combo?

Yeah, and you change your name to Conference USA. And you could be that, you could be that extremely confusing person at the dentist. When you go to homefield apparel.com, use the offer code fullcast, 25% off your first order. You'll be glad you did it. You'll be just as impressive as the host you're listening. too I'm realizing now than this ad read god damn it

fuck why you gotta do that now like no not your part our part oh it's fine I just I thought we're gonna get through it that's the important thing we gotta be almost done that assertion has yeah the notion that we're going to get through

this has no basis in logic that's true um UCF homefield school homefield magic got UCF Gus Malz really when you think about it hold that thought for a few weeks okay something really funny is going to happen oh no do you think that like at the um you know how like it's more of a thing of basketball but football as well like you know you have the adidas camps yes camps do i think

coaches move to homefield because yeah like gus was at the home field camp right he's talking to the home field boosters that he who he knows from auburn yeah they're under armor school shut up their home field school right and the home field boosters are like listen We got you a place to live in Orlando. It cost $900 total. And Gus is like, uh-huh. And like that's how he found the connection. Yeah, I think so.

I think like it was between, I think it was between UCF and Ui-Pui. Like I think those were the two that it was done to. That's exactly how they say it too. They're like, where do you go? I got it. Hi-bye. Homefield Paral. Ryan at Bud Elliott on.

We're very similar. People say that about you. Yeah. Lawyers? Yeah. Fleridians. Both our lawyers. Yeah.

That's it. That's it. We're responsible for everything that comes out of our mouths on this show to be sure. Both know a lot about Orlando Pantas Express. but probably doesn't go to panda express i'm be honest i think bud only knows the really really good deals at pandy express sure like there's one meal that is um accidentally two dollars cheaper than yeah if you order that on thursday they give you eight egg rolls because they got to move the egg rolls at that point they do it that they become toxic on friday it's an i got a pallet of them at

my throat it's an inventory thing they're under they're under a settlement agreement with the EPA they can only keep so many egg rolls on site before they got to move them. I like that it's the EPA and not the FDA. No, no. It's a super fun thing. They're the first super fun restaurant. The egg rolls become sentient on Friday's. On Fridays, all the egg rolls band together and they form into like a egg roll volteron and

egg roll tron and you got to destroy it by then. Egg riltron. So they're pretty cheap. How did you know my high school nickname? Oh God, he's forming See, I get all the egg rolls on a Thursday And I take them over to the EPA And then I got a biofuel credit for him

It's great I've made $758,000 this year doing that Sheriff's office has a cash for egg roll thing going on They do that on Saturdays I stock up on Thursdays So you don't do crimes with egg rolls You bring them to get them off the streets cabbage it just gets into your brain

hostility it's just the gas it's the Irish it's the Irish thing you know yeah makes you bloated and gassy and irritable and then you go out and rob a bank so I get I get the biofuel tax credits on one side then I turn them in as weapons to the Volusia County Sheriff

it's perfect sense and that's that's how I'm a millionaire I take it back it was a great ad read phenomenal ad read Did it. Hold on everybody. Promote

FullCack. Oh, perfect. You sure about that? Did it? No, I'm never sure. Connor, we're going to need you to dial up that promo code. Because here it comes. Come to the mother load.

Promote code. Egg Roll Thursday. Yeah, we could do that. We could just make up a promo code every week. And Connor has to be the first listener or else. That's right. What the fuck? Why is everybody trying to check out with?

this egg roll Thursday promo it's not even Thursday well yeah otherwise it wouldn't be a secret on Thursday on Thursday the promo code is just egg roll

so we could just be like free Akron shirt yeah promo code is gassy ski mask gasy ski mask Did we have a game to play? Was that next on our agenda?

We have a game to conclude. Yes, we do. I was like fancy Bain. I like that. That was like Bain on the Crown. I'm real self-conscious about it, so thank you. Bain on the Crown. I'm just kidding. I'm not self-conscious about anything.

We do have a game. Holly? Folks, last week, I asked each of you to draft three sports, and I asked you to go home and weave onside kicks into each of these sports. Spencer, can you remind me what sports you selected? I selected golf. I selected basketball. And Ryan, you selected darts, right? oh we're doing great yes that is correct yes i can confirm that i know the three sports no no i remember i remember two of them that

you remember the names of two sports i remember i remember the assignment i remember that the assignment existed listen i've heard of this podcast before we'll go on to jason's jason's which i have Pro wrestling, field hockey, and foot bowl. Thank you, Jason, for participating in the show, unlike some people. Ryan, what were your sports? I have tennis, ice hockey, and darts. I remember you saying that ice hockey and tennis were natural cousins. Correct.

So I guess we have to give Spencer a little time, since he didn't do the damn thing. Ryan, why don't we start with you? Okay. I have my two. I just don't remember what my drawing was. You have third? Oh, my God. That means they're not done.

No, I have, I have a solution for two of them. I just don't remember what the third one was. That's the point. That's, that's. Somebody else try it. Somebody else tried telling it to them. I'm asking you what my third one was. Because you didn't do it.

I don't remember what my third one was. That's not my fault. Spencer, you're getting assigned a sport. What sport are we giving, Spencer? Thank you. assign me one um equestrian oh hoarse it up horse it up big guy okay all right i'm on it it's dressage bitch dressage okay i'm good here we go all right so you want me to go first why do you glare at me when i call you a shitty teammate on the show i'm ready why do you glare at me

truth is difficult yes i want ryan to go first do you want me to give you my sarahs for all three or just one uh just go first one we're going to go in rotating okay so i'm going to start with tennis tennis has unlike football tennis has preordained possession you alternate who serves so this is my version of the onside kick when you are serving and it is game point so 40 from 40 love all the way up to advantage on dues if you hit your opponent with your serve on the fly it can't bet you have to peg them you win that game and you get the next service game as well oh i like this a lot. And then after that, it just goes back to the normal rotation of alternating who serves. But if you pull this off, you could conceivably serve three times in four games. If you hold serve all three times, that's basically the same thing as getting a break. But you can do this as much as you want. Now, now the downside, because the onside kick has to have like the risk element to it is it's got to be on game point so that if you miss and it's got to be on the

server's game point if you miss you have just blown a chance to win that game and therefore you might not even hold serve that game plus you can't do it then two times in a row I like this for a couple reasons first of all anyone getting bean in any sport starts from a certain baseline of humor but second of all this weaves in another completely component that we wished for on the show a couple weeks ago, which is surprise combat. Yes. Yes. This is the only way I could think of in tennis that you could have the surprise of the onside

kick. Like, you don't have to declare it. You can just do it. And I believe, I don't know if this is true on a serve. I do know that it's true when the ball is just in play after the serve. If you hit your opponent, that shit counts. So this is already in the tennis rule book as best as I know. And so I'm not really adding anything wildly new.

I'm just incentivizing, you know, hitting somebody in the abdomen with a 115 mile per hour serve. Tennis is hard as hell, man. Yeah. Yeah, it's not fun. That's beautiful. Yeah. Thank you. Boy's thoughts?

Outstanding. No, this is brilliant. I have no critiques. It's got beaning, so. Yeah. It's got to be good. All right. Jason, let's go to your first sport.

Which would you like to divulge first? I'll start with, I'll just go in order. I'll start with pro wrestling. So, think of the onside kick, if the basic idea of the tactic is replacing your opponent's offense opportunity with an opportunity of your own, then Rasselin's options here are basically endless, which is, we need to confine it a little bit. We need to narrow down the options. because like you know you could do an ambush before the match starts or you could like counter a finishing move you know like it's it's it's it's it's it's it's there's very little structure to what happens within a wrestling match there's like there's very little structure to fuck with um the other thing about the outside kick is that it's bullshit it's a bullshit move like that's the best thing about an onside kick no no one uh you know walter camp did not say and here's a tricky thing you could do no like this is something something some idiot stumbled upon it was like holy shit I can't believe that works within the rules. It's so stupid.

It's like football's best innovations. The zone read. There's just someone dropped the ball and they were like, you know what? But so the onside kick is a stupid hack that someone just stumbled upon by accident. And I mean, I don't think, again, wrestling's options are just too vast there. I'm thinking of in terms of like, all right, what is the most boring thing in football is a kickoff. So we've got to work with what is the most boring thing. thing in wrestling. The most boring thing in wrestling is a rest hold. And this also fits because it is a

transition between, you know, I am doing offense. You are selling my offense. This is very tiring for us. Now we need a break. So we are going to snuggle for a minute. And then we're going to break loose and you're going to do offense and it's your turn. We've traded possessions. And the rest hold is the just arbitrary customary transition between those possessions, so to speak. So it's got to be something that fucks up a rest hold and again the options are limitless and i mean i right now what i understand about wrestling is that um this lady Alexa bliss who weighs like 75 pounds and she's like a disney goth Disney princess um she also has like satan powers like Satan superpowers or whatever so like i'm going to knock you over and i'm going to put you in a rest hold right you are going

to think that you are going to break out and do this to be but no i'm going to turn into a 75 pound Disney goth princess and voila onside kick has happened okay I think that's it I think that is a bold solution for a sport where yeah possession is is not really definitive and also I'm in favor of anything involving

75 pound goth princesses with Satan powers so sure yeah I heard that about you yeah it's it's that has the theatricality that you need for this So, approve. Jason brings up an interesting point in that wrestling is tricky in this because you're kind of hemmed in both ways.

Mm-hmm. Like you have an option paralysis, but also, you're also very limited. I like this. Speaking of stupid hacks, Spencer, what's your first sport? So, speaking of stupid hacks, golf, the ultimate stupid hack. I, golf's tricky because, like, some of these options, there really isn't the notion of possession. there are only turns where you're playing against another player. Now, does it have to be match play, right?

You can't golf when there's three or four people involved in a tournament setting and be impossible. But we're talking heads-up match play if you're playing against somebody. There's two possibilities here. One is chaotic. The other is actual chaos itself. So we'll start with stroke play where you're going up against somebody. And the idea is that behind an onside kick is that you really want to take a possession or a stroke in this case from somebody.

Both players tee off. After the second player has concluded teeing off, and I mean the minute the ball hits driver and takes flight off the tee, either player may race to hit the ball of the other. As it lands. It's got to land, okay? That's the only thing.

You can catch it on the move, you can catch it when it's at rest, but you've got to hit the other one. The first one. This sounds like polo. It kind of is. Without a horse. Now, mind you remember, neither player's really going to want to do this. Where does it say you can't bring a horse? To a golf course?

That's fair. You have to ride an alligator. All right, all right. So either player may do this at any point, which is what makes it dramatic. because no one's going to be doing this every hole because nobody's that conditioned. So they may just take off, run, and hit the other player's ball. Upon hitting the other player's ball, that's yours. You can take that one, that is your ball to play.

The other player, while you can't actually steal possession, you can make the other player take another shot. meaning they have to play your original ball that you hit and they have to play a ball from that spot and you get to choose for them by beating them to the ball which one they take so you can't really take a possession but you can definitely add at least one stroke to the other player's score while taking the better of two shots for yourself so what i like about this spencer is that like most golf rules you have made it it has insane bureaucracy yes you've made it in same insanely complicated because when you first started describing this rule this is how what i thought you were going to say i thought you were going to say second drive leaves the tea both players can run to the other players ball and then i thought you said whoever i thought you were going to say whoever gets their first can hit the other players ball the opposite direction like they can fuck up the other players position and knock them back if they get to the ball first that would be too simple too simple and too clean so you decided to go with

this insane multi-layered scheme. And that's so golf. Which is how, which sounds like a rule that has developed over time in golf. A hundred percent. It sounds like something like Scotsmen were arguing about 200 years ago. Yes. Ryan said preordained and that was very Calvinist.

But then Spencer came in with Calvin Ball. Now, I want you to consider the tournament. No wonder you couldn't remember what your third sport was. No, there's no more room. I'm out of ram Then there was the tournament variation of this Oh God

What have we created? Which is where any player at any point May take this option Meaning you could sneak attack From the opposite hole, right? Somebody could be on the four And another person could be on the 12 And they could simply run across

And take the shot immediately You gotta pay double for that Hey Hey! okay uh back to ryan okay uh i'll do ice hockey next i thought so so ice hockey is tricky is even trickier than tennis because possession is a thing but it changes all the time and so i like got away from that completely and this is my version of the onside kick for hockey i will argue that hockey kind of has the onside kick already in the form of pulling the goalie so that

you have a man advantage, but this is, and this is similar to that, but a little different. At the end of any period, including the third, one team can extend the length of that period by one minute for every player that they're willing to take off the ice for the extra time, up to three minutes, and therefore three players off the ice. So if you get to the end of the third and you have a lot of, lost four to three, let's say. You can say, no, we're going to play two players down, add two minutes to the clock. And then you just play two more minutes of hockey. But you can do that in the first period as well. You can do it three times throughout the game if you want. Now,

same thing as an onside kick. The advantage you get is if you are the losing team, you have extended, you've literally extended the game, given yourself more scoring opportunity. The downside is you might give up two more goals in this time or if you do it too early you might take what's a close game and turn it into a blowout but that is my solution for hockey is to say yes

you can basically add overtime small overtimes to each period you just have to sacrifice one position on the ice per minute of extra time that you're giving yourself all right discuss yeah

the accounting of this confuses me because I have a very small brain. Okay. Okay. Thank you. It's full of golf rule. Yeah. Okay.

So literally all it is. Did you just call someone else's rule unnecessarily complicated? No, no, no. I said because I have a small brain. That's, that it's not that it's unnecessarily complicated. It's just I'm going to need a couple of reads through. All right. Okay.

Okay. All it is, at the end of a period, one team can say, hey, we would like one minute, one minute added to the clock and to do that we will we will play one player down for that one minute they can say we want two minutes and we'll sit two players

they can say we want three minutes and we'll sit three players but that's the most you can't do more than three minutes and three players okay no I love this I love this this is brilliant and also it could lead to my favorite thing which is the John voiccation of any game where we could just have one player out there

and all the time in the world. Yeah. Yes. Sure. And then you could hear, man, I could just hear the soft focus features for the next year. Just this soft. We have all the time in the world.

And just this lone skater. Time enough for life. Time enough for the years. That's all the words I know. I'm sorry. That's kind of just. Then just the ghost of Doc Emmerich going, Ah, the NHL on freeform!

Anyway, Jason, second sport. My next sport is field hockey. And I took this assignment to mean, like if you were working within the established rules, how would you attempt to pull off something akin to an onside kick? I don't think about, like, adding a rule. so my approach is a little bit different for field hockey I would like to say field hockey is a well-liked sport for both men and women it is played in many countries all around the world in Asian countries like Pakistan and Republic of India it is considered the national sport that's in quote marks according to ministry of tourism government of Pakistan the game is I don't know anything about field hockey as you might be gathering so I am going to say we will take Ryan's

rule and we will add the word field in front of it. Beautiful. Does this work? I'm happy to help. I think so. I don't see why it wouldn't. There are sometimes on national grass or sand or water-based artificial turf. Like

a small hardball. Yeah. The stick is in the shape of a jay. It's got fillbacks. It has four periods of 15 minutes each. So yeah, you can do this. Yeah. How many rules in field hockey, by the way, surround use of the stick, because that's the first place I'm going where I go, all right, so I'm in a field, yeah,

and it's a contact sport, mm-hmm, and I'm holding a big old wampin stick, right? Right? So where are we going with this? Like, what can't I do with this? Because you're going to have to prescribe that very precisely to me. Otherwise, it's just going to be wampen time. I think that's discouraged. I think You know Why? So here on the field hockey page

On the simple English Wikipedia There's really nothing that says you can't do that. Is it one of those things where it's so painful and so bad That it's obvious that nobody would do it Once you start playing field hockey? Yeah, because the problem is everybody else also has the same stick. Yeah, it's kind of like, hey, wouldn't you just use a nuke if you had one? It's not that simple brother.

Where do you just use a nick that could shatter someone's knee? Most of we can't really find out without playing field hockey ourselves. Going to have to try it out. Yeah. Springs is coming. I vaguely remember that I think like the main thing you're not allowed to do with the stick is like raise it above a certain height. Like maybe not above your shoulders or something. Yeah.

Yeah. But I think that does mean like you can just like. Nutshot. Yeah. I mean. Just nutshot. for days. I'm just going to, yeah, we'll just check.

No, uh, nutshot does not appear on the Wikipedia page and therefore we have to assume. It's legal. The founders intended. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm a strict. I'm a strict shot.

Oh, so in sync. There's nothing that says, I can't impale you with this. So here we go. Yeah. Yeah. And when Justin Fields invented field hockey, like, he would have put it in here. Yeah. Yeah.

He's very tall, and that's how you know he was a founding father of the beautiful game. That's right. Man, Ohio State would invent the beautiful game of Nutshots, wouldn't they? Now that I'm thinking, like, I'm making fun, but I'm kind of with you now. Bro, it stimulates tea production. Nutshots? Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Testicles are traumatized, and they're like, bro, we've got to work double over time to get better. That's right, yeah. We've got to get it out here. Get it out, get it out, get it out. It's basically going anaerobic for your testicles. I think it's like, we're about to suffer a breach. Get it out of here. Get it out of here.

Yeah, yeah. It's like burpees for your balls. Oh, wow. Red lining them. That's all I'm doing them. Just redlining them. Yeah. Just like your boss.

Yeah, I was going to say. Where you got to red line the nuts, dude, if you want the gains. That's what we're going to do. That's right. Red line the nuts if you want the gains. Oh, H. We don't call it getting swole for nuts. Yeah, they didn't call him limpy haze.

He's woody haze for a reason. Nutshots all day. God damn. That might be true. Mike might actually be true, yeah. I'm glad we did this. I'm glad we did this already. Spencer, your second sport.

Spencer, your second and last sport. Basketball. So basketball is also interesting because, like, hockey, it's a game of constant turnovers. It's very hard to take a possession in a way that is, not actually explicitly encouraged by the rules. And thus, I sort of had to think of a way to take away the fruit of a possession rather than the possession itself as a flow of a game, which is why we're going to have the magic

minute. I'm adding the magic minute. This is creating a rule to encourage spoiling a possession for your opponent. The magic minute, which is at the end of, you know, I guess in the pros it would be, and the NBA It would be at the end of every quarter. The last minute, you can shoot for two or three points at your own basket, or you can shoot at the basket of your opponent to take away two or three points, whichever one is closest to you.

Oh, yes. The magic minutes. Now, do magic minutes exist in some other sport that we need to know about? No. No, I'm pretty sure this is. This is a novel and horrifying concept. I think shooting on your own goal is really stupid because you don't want to be in a rebound situation.

They can just tip it back in. However you want to work the Magic Minute is the way you want to work it. Look, it's magic, okay? Yeah. Yeah, not to over-explain magic or anything, but, yeah, I feel like both teams would just crowd at each other's basket, right?

That could be fun too. yeah maybe who doesn't love watching it's like bunch ball and soccer right it's like watching five year old basketball or maybe it's like or seriously maybe it's like breaking a press i would actually love to watch a bunch of pros play basketball like my nieces play basketball i just want to hit somebody hit a negative three pointer for a win yeah sure i'm gonna see somebody turn around and drain a negative three point now does this have to be a team-wide decision or is it can people be doing both um i think it's up to the teams i think they could be doing both right are we saying multi ball

no i i think what he's saying is i'm talking about in terms of personnel right i i i i the way i understand spencer is you are inbounding the ball with two seconds left so you're in the magic minute right right and you're down to you have a choice you can either try to get the ball up the court to shoot a traditional three-pointer and win by one or right you can get it into the, don't even go beyond half court, try to shoot a three-pointer against your own basket that you're normally defending and win by one that way by getting negative three points for the other team. You could. Now, this creates several options, which are you just going to sit there and crowd all of your people at one side in order to prevent a magic minute

situation, in which case, I could just break the press and go down and get a layup, right? Or a three-fourner, whatever one I needed. Or are you going to go for the three-point? pointer at the close end or you're going to go for two so here's my question i i i i i inbound the ball and my teammate attempts a three a negative three pointer and he misses but he gets fouled yeah is he taking three free throws each for negative one point oh god yes absolutely that's did it did we just create did you just create an even worse situation out of this terrible situation i created yeah baby that is exactly exactly what just happened i i will agree with jason that this is going to make the end of basketball

games interminable because now you will have to be watching oh that'll be a lot different each rebound to see like oh who tipped that one in it's either plus two it's it's a four point swing depending on who tipped this ball in yeah but again how much like honestly how different is that from now how about we just say there's no reviews like The cult is what it is The Magic Minute is such bullshit What if we did that anyway? Yeah

How about we just turn How about we just get rid of refs? How about let's do that sure. Okay, okay. Let the people decide. The Magic Minute the ref is knocked out Like it's a wrestling match. Yep.

I'm just in total. Let's get rid of refs. Yeah. Now, somebody mentioned multi-ball. The multi-ball magic minute is obviously the pinnacle of sports potential. but you know we'll get to that another time

that's overtime yeah that's the overtime just shooting just everybody turns into James Harden so we could put 10 basketball every overtime period we add a basketball right so if we make it to the ninth

overtime period every player on the field has a ball court has a ball oh I like this I like this a lot I want to know which basketball player would be the Labrador Retriever who just tries to carry as many of them as at one time, right? Tries to carry, you already

said James Harden. Wow. There we go. Just James Harden, like a lab, with four basketballs in his mouth at the same time. These are mine. My toys. All right, is it my third? Yes. Okay.

Darts. Darts is tough. They're not a lot of obvious ones. So I am going to go with a very dark overtime rule called the William Tell Rule. Oh, no. I can't wait. Ryan, what's this named after? You can probably guess.

The William Tell rule is, it's very simple. You can skip your opponent's turn. I'm assuming we're playing 501 or 301 or one of the sort of typical dart games. And you can skip your opponent's turn if, you have a loved one go stand in front of the dartboard with an apple on their head

and you can't what about in their mouth no I'm gonna say head because I really don't want to that's like too far from me how are we defining loved that's fair that's fair you have to bring

a relative let's say that you bring you put a that can give you a lot of regular exactly how close of an immediate relative of let's say it's got to be um a cousin or a nephew or cousin or closer it's got to be like one you know one branch of the family one rung yeah can i can i bring a historical figure i

have i have retrieved with a time machine yeah absolutely alexander hamilton come on yeah so so they stand in front of the dartboard with an apple on their head you get one throw if you hit the apple you get to skip your opponent your opponent loses a turn good for you and if you miss you miss and we just proceed as normal and christmas cards get a little weird this year you have fewer families are complicated that's true yeah fewer thank you notes too for sure i know dude i'm throwing it right into my relative's face every time there's absolutely no way i'm sitting there with a dart and thinking about don't throw it in their head no i'm totally throwing in his head Oh, God.

It's just I know it's happening. I can't fight it. Here's the thing. I think the British might go for this rule. I think they might be like, yeah, it sounds great. Hmm, sounds fair.

Then they'd hit and be like, pity. It's a shame. Oye, he took it with a stiff upper lip. No one took it like Brandon. Did you see it? Look at that. Look at the resolve. Barbecue sauce.

Dead, do you play much darts? No. So I think each team of people in the United Kingdom, they're going to have like a designated cousin who's just really good at tanking darts. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think I think that'd be Neville because, man, he can bleed. Tommy. Tommy skull can't be pierced. He's got a thicker skin. He's got unusually dense eyes. He'd be surprised. It bounces right off. I swear his flesh swallows fish hooks. His flesh swallows fish hooks.

And I don't feel so good myself. The human pinned cushion. Tell me, where'd me dart go? I tell you, he's so brawny, they can't tattoo him with a harpoon. You throw it in his mouth and swallow it whole and thank you. You ain't me dart, you couldn't. it means something different over there you can only say it

you can only say it in some sort of a UK accent I actually I think that's I think that's the first time I've ever used that word so I'm good I'm good no we said this last week it's okay if it's Scottish it's different over there it just means buddy mother would say it

what did you say Oh, it's just what you call your neighbor? It seems like, ma'am. It's like officer. Yeah, you can say it to a cop and they're fine with it. They'll hug you. That's British law. British don't have, okay, I guess they have some.

Oh, God. They have the laws that say women can't earn property. No. That's actually where all the cunt business comes from. She can say it. Oh, I can always say it. So that's the William Tell rule. Marsha Blackburn is a senator in my home state.

I can always say it. Yeah, that's my overtime. That's my onside kick rule for darts. Ryan, I love it and you. Thank you. That's great. All right, Jason, bring us home. Soccer.

So we need to institute a legal onside kick rule in soccer. And yet, literally all soccer kicks are already on side kicks, aren't they? Mm-hmm. Thank you. Oh, shit. Sorry, Spencer. No, I have, honestly, I'm happiest with the clear logic of my solution for how to work on-side kicks into dressage. And that's this.

dressage is a scored event where you have to evaluate moves made by a horse with the rider and a lot of them are on execution and control and those are things that really aren't happening head to head with anybody there's no possession right except for one element and that's possessing your horse oh goodness so my simple solution to how to work the on onside kick. Enter Dressage is this. You go out there and steal that bastard's horse.

You go do it. Like Red Dead redemption? Yeah, part of Dressage is going to be horse control. And you know what the ultimate form of horse control is? Keeping a horn swogler from taking it from beneath your caster, buddy. Hey, filler!

Dressage is generally people who are extraordinarily wealthy and bored, which is where this is going to be the funniest element because it's going to work in literal horse thievery as an important part of drissage competition meaning you can somebody will be out there and be like

so I used to do this when I was at Eaton and then I went to Cambridge and like here comes me going like fill your hands you bastard I'm taking your horse whizzy winkles oh dear I'm Nick Foll never told me this was part of it

I'm Nick Foles and I'm taking your horse it's just me and Rex Ryan out there right like Rex Ryan cheering me on going yeah man steal his fucking horse beautiful love it let's go get a fucking snack and steal some fucking horse Rick Holes in an appaloosing effort Oh god

My fucking shoulder hurts so bad You know if you pulled something on that that's fine because you did it in a game winning effort but yeah that's it uh that's that's my dressage thing is yeah steal the horse see you go out there no and no tools no cheats no tools tools you can't now you you might think you can hot wire the horse but that's not allowed no we're we're going to no we're going to do this spencer you are allowed to take a duffel bag with any kind of implements you want to steal a horse what tools do you think are required carrots and sugar cubes you said tools those are tools those are implements and a cricket bat for the rider

that's really all i need maybe a blackjack i don't know fuck yeah do i want that karen cisco telescoping baton i mean that's pretty badass but i don't think it does the job any better than a cricket bat also the irony of hitting some like some posh dressage rider with a cricket bat that's too rich for me to resist i'm going to have to do it. This is less onside kick and more class warfare, but I'm not going to stop you. No, who's complaining? Who's complaining? Class warfare is pretty fashionable right about now.

Yeah, that seems a bit unfair, doesn't it? That's not on. Yeah, what do I need to steal a horse? A guillotine. Wow. Poor horse. Horses love guillotines. There are no poor horses.

Shiny. Yeah, all horses. Horses are rich in love.