Shutdown Fullcast - THE SMOOTH EPISODE (NOT IN A SEXY WAY)

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

 - There is no describing this episode. Look, just play it. You’ll get there.   - Alternate title was going to be THE TICK WAR EPISODE  - The LEAST upsetting voice in this episode is Spencer’s Joe Paterno, if that tells you anything  - In a shocking revelation, at least one member of this podcast thinks it used to be “too easy to obtain dynamite in this country”! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They're never hitting a million, though. Oh, I know, because then the smootening. The smooth one approaches. Oh, everyone is doing such upsetting voices tonight, and I have headphones on. Smooth must be all and all must be smooth. Here's the thing. If he has to get shaved, I will put him at a pool of jello after it. Okay, that's great, because that can happen at your house, and then I don't have to, yeah.

So you're like not super hairy. except for the beard, right? Yeah, I got a hairy chest. You have, like, very smooth legs. You have, like, weirdly hairless legs, though, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's all pretty, it's all pretty. So we're, like, most of the way there already.

We started with the legs. Like, like, were you dipped? Were you held by the shoulders? Oh, my God, he got sheep dipped. I did. I was sheep dipped by Hercules into a magical spring that only gave me a majestic beast. beard in chest air.

Is Spencer a tune? Get the dip. Make him smooth. I'll get you dabbo. Because when you get me I'll look just like this. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only podcast.

If you want another one, that's too bad. What a promotion that was. Yeah, this is all you get. But we're going to give it to you. We're going to give it to you with all of the strength granted to us by college football jesus i don't want to be the only podcast it's too bad that's the burden we're given this is the cross we must bear no you're the cross and on that cross is another cross on my back so we're really all bearing my burden congratulations are they all the same size or are they

getting smaller and smaller as they go up the stack just just crosses all the way up so it's just so it's essentially one very very deep cross one very tall cross at the top of it standing on top it is Greg Jennings and what he what has he got the team on his back but if on the top of it like is he is he running across like the whole series of perched he's just holding the team carefully like Atlas bearing the world uh-huh so atop these infinite crosses is gregg jennings with a planet on him yeah and that's that's why this is the only podcast apparently Greg Jennings broke our leg for all of our sins right broke his leg he is he's the silver surfer He broke our legs.

Who broke his leg? Sin. That's right. You get it. All right. Like, we're joking. There's going to be a religion in 100 years based on that single clip. There will be.

Like, Greg Jennings, our Lord and Savior, who carried the whole team on his back, dude. I have a question. Do you think there's somebody out there right now who's still living off of screensaver money? that's a really good question like do you think there's somebody who's like yeah this is my flying toaster's house like just just did well with that managed my money well after that there was a whole story about flying toaster guy like there was like a documentary about flyer toaster guy yeah shit yeah i invested wildly in email parachuting cowfight

yeah i did uh doom tunnel doom tunnel screen saver guy he's got to be you know the turn the brick wall the turn, the brick wall, that guy's got to be loaded. So yeah, I think it totally happened. I hope he's doing well, or she, whoever it is. I think it was a dude who was flying toaster guy. It was a guy named Jack and Patrick, and I'm trying to fly it, but I know I saw something just a few years ago. Okay.

Because that was a thing. Like, people paid, people went to Comp USA, and they gave a Comp USA associate cash money for a CD of screen savers, and that was it. Yeah, or you'd use like the ones with the little lines that would bounce back and forth. Sure. Or obviously, the most fun one is when it's any object that's bouncing around and you just watch and watch until it perfectly bounces right into a corner. Yeah, yeah, and you just watch that all day. Get stuck there.

And like if you have two people around, you're like betting on when it will happen next. and cheering. The 90s were really exciting, y'all. I think the thing is that we all led rich in our lives. Yeah. And we were out and we were outdoor kids. It's spent a lot of time on productive activities and studying homework. And is that what you do with homework?

I don't know. Yeah, you know what I'm doing? In 32 bit, I'm killing every demon in hell with a shotgun. That's what I did. Greg Jennings is doing that, sir. Yeah, that's right. Greg Jennings died? Well, that's the only way to get you.

That's the only way he could clear out hell for us. No, he's part of the space marines. He was allowed to go by himself. He was allowed to go alive. It's how he wanted to go into space. By the way, the flying toaster screensaver was the topic of a lawsuit filed by Jefferson Airplane against Berkeley Systems, the creator of the flying toaster. Because they said it resembled an element on one of their album. covers so they might not have made as much money

as you think so fucking lawyers fucking jefferson airplane i'm sorry you guys guys should you know what you're right a lot of the time i look around in our society and i say you know what's wrong here jefferson airplane man they're called jefferson airplane not jefferson toaster

that's true didn't even say that that became jefferson's my whole argument as as the defense tap tap tap tap tap Jason wins. That's how court works. Adjudicated. Court works exactly like Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney. Yes, that's right. You yell objection.

Objection! Well, that's law. Yeah. I did want to give an update. Speaking of lawsuits and legal agreements and bonds. This is going to be a hairpin turn. bonds breaking and coming together and yet breaking again i have really bad news and like all bad news i'm going to make holly tell everybody the bad news about a good friend of ours a friend of the

podcast someone who we admired and we discussed at length on this program holly anderson please tell us a little bit more about our good friend dale mclaughlin aka the jet ski romeo of the irc spencer this is not the not even the most recent recent email you've sent me with a subject line saying love is dead but it's it's definitely my favorite on the rocks says the sun jet ski romeo splits from his lover just months after he was jailed over his aisle of man voyage to see her yeah dale dale mcclickland and his lover friends have told the mirror that the couple have split up more than three months after dale made the perilous 27-mile trip on a jet ski.

Yeah, let me tell you, did you get to the part that was, you go. Their reported breakup comes after Jessica was charged with an attack on another woman on the island. Man, see, this is just getting more beautiful by the, by the sentence. Have you all seen this? Man, I got to tell you, this is definitely a Dale. That's a day. No, you named somebody Dale. They just look like that.

That guy looks like. That is a born Dale. Dale has been banned from. returning to the Isle of Man. So the exact Nice try. Because look, I believe in love.

As far as we know, the Isle of Man was like a perfect, peaceful ecosystem. And then Jetsky Dale came in and upset the, he's like the Kudzu of people. As far as we know, it was boring. How dare you bring Kudzu into this? So anyway, last week, the girlfriend appeared in court in her hometown charged with actual bodily harm and two counts of causing criminal damage. She is also accused of breaking COVID lockdown rules. I'm kind of amazed these two couldn't make it work.

Routy. This is a rowdy-ass people on the Isle of Man. I think Dale is like Kudzu because he just grows on you. What I'm sort of thing happened in this case is Dale might have grown on more than one lady on the island. Dale would never, Dale would never, sir. I'm just saying it's entirely possible.

man jet-skied to the Isle of Man to cheat on a woman who was still on the island. That is an achievement of male stupidity that I can't assail as anything other than heroic in its in EEOC. Hang on. How do we know he only made one such journey? We don't. What if he had been doing this like for years? And this is just when it came to light. And he's like, oh, yeah, I did that once. Yeah, it was, it was crazy. The one time I did that. When you get skiing to see a woman? He's like, can you be more specific?

Probably. Well, I didn't jet ski. It was a different watercraft. It was a powerful skiff that I took across the troubled waters of the ice. Sir, why did you jet ski all that way to see a woman? Well, because my arms got tired. This is just the old man in the sea, but with a human instead of a horny man in the sea. Way better than the old man in the sea.

What, sir, are you, do you consider yourself to be promiscuous? He's like, only on the Isle of Man. It's crazy. It's called the Isle of Man. I would like to add one quote from another story about this couple from the sun. This is dated April 3rd. All right, hold on. People from Italy have sent pictures of jet skis saying,

this is for your boyfriend, showing our support. I love it. And my axe. And Casey wears out that one lending support to the cause. This is for support because we believe in love. People have got like a Facebook overlay photo of just a jet ski. Paradale. I want to know what other nations were sending.

Spain was like, it's too far to go. That's too, that's far too much energy. Of course the, of course the, of course the Indians are like, he took a boat to go fuck a woman. He never met. Of course. It's basically our national pastime. You know, like he's getting,

They don't mention the letters they're getting from Norway. They're like, you took a boat all that way and didn't burn a house down? Quit her. That's, gee, that just seems like a waste, doesn't it? But he did break a home apart, as it turns out. Oh, God. By the way, like, the woman that she beat up, like, suffered burns. It's like, good Lord.

The Norwegians were there. So wait, it said forehead, it said forehead burns. And I'm unclear if that means like, Oh, that's a cigarette. That's got to be a cigarette. Well, I don't care if it means a cigarette or it means she got like dragged across a carpet. Cordless flat iron. Every time I'm like, man, where did a lot of Southerners come from?

Like, I'm going to put my cigarette out on that tramp's head. Somebody actually had the nerve to ask us this week on Twitter what the Alabama of Ireland was. I'm like, have you not been listening to the show? I mean, I'm just going to say it's actually... We give and we give and we give. I was going to say, it's actually in between Ireland and England, evidently. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, sad update.

Sorry. Sorry, Dale. Sorry, Jessica. No, no. Dale being single, that's not bad news. That's great news for us. I mean, does Dale still have the jet ski? because that man's a danger on several large landmasses at this point.

Go to Iceland. Find love in Iceland, Dale. Let's do it. Just gas that thing up. I just picture I'm on a jet ski for three hours going to Iceland the whole time humming. Bum-Bah-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah-B-B-Bah. Dale. Dale is a man under 30 from the British Isles. He's just got nothing.

but some kind of like extremely goofy rap music playing right right yeah in his headphones like he's got man's not hot playing right the man's not hot i mean aisle of mine is about to be hot yeah definitely i just see the sheriff being like it's got these women riled up dale mclaughley got to get that man off the side yep let's get everybody too heated too passionate gotta get back to the days where the most dangerous thing here are motorcycles going 220 miles an hour Dale McLaughlin this this court charges you with having a dick to bomb how do you plead no contest your honor like judge catfish back on the bench what's he doing over here judge catfish what are you doing over here tail is oldest time

least okay no yeah i did it oh so yeah it was too bomb too yeah we have a little bit of uh podcast business to take care of with the classic lady trap too of i can't read i can't read and i stole your dad see like gaston only had half of that equation Gaston's like, what? I'm a big dumbass too. Oh, I forgot to steal your dad. I can change him. Hell, you dumb bitch.

I don't like Gaston. He's already shaved. I love Gaston. Oh, okay. Gaston's a cool guy. He's pretty nice most of the time. He is cool. Gaston's like, who was more popular in middle school?

The guy was like, yeah, I could spit really far. Yeah, that's the middle school president right there. Come on. Yeah, that's class president. We do have a little bit of podcast business to take care of. Ryan, was Caitlin in the Beauty and the Beast show that I was in? I can't remember. I don't know. And you ask her. Is she there?

Hold on. I'll go ask. I'll be back. Ask her if you did stop Beauty and the Beast with us. And then I will come back loudly. Okay. Podcast business. What's the business? podcast business it's a business of a business not legal but it's kind of an LLC and a couple of states that did the podcast business this week is the EDSBS charity bowl the 2021 edition where we have set an initial fundraising goal to we had set yeah had because in our effort to in our effort to raise money

for New American Pathways, our favorite refugee service charity here in Atlanta, Georgia. Great organization, wonderful cause dedicated to transitioning refugees from new arrival status toward thriving, healthy, happy Americans with excellent jobs and whose kids are all doing well in school and getting them set up for success as new Americans. We set an initial goal of $200,000,

thinking, well, we might hit that if we do real well midweek, right? Which midweek? That seems like three days of intense promotion. We might get 200 grand. Holly, what's the total as of recording, which is Monday night around 10 p.m.? I don't know. No, just, you know. 208,972. Okay, so we're past 200K is what I'm saying. We've hit the initial goal. Yeah, that is, that is, that's, is more yeah in my opinion that is um it's a judgment call but yes i would say it is also more than 200 000 i'm sorry to be controversial yeah so the next goal is uh hey 300k just see if we can hit it just for the heck of it um there are a couple of spec bets prop bets writing on this if if i want to talk about the folks in the discord who want to shave you okay which like

guest on like guest on no no i shut the laptop with a quickness tonight when i saw make him smooth it's very disturbing reading the phrase make him smooth what it's in reference to you if you like that kind of thing you can pay three dollars a month and hang out with all these people make him smooth yes yeah i got headphones on man i can't get away from that stop it if the idea of saying make him smooth in reference to me uh is attractive to you or if you just want to hang out with really fun people and talk about college, football, religion, whatever. We got a spot for you on the Moon Crew Discord, which you can subscribe to for just $3 a month.

I don't know where. We've been talking about it for two minutes, and I haven't said where yet, but you'll figure it out. Could God make a Spencer so smooth that even he couldn't look at him? Oh, man, he'd look like one of those white beluga whales at the aquarium. This clone of Ripley is very sick. Spencer, do you know if he were born smooth? Call your mom.

I cannot verify, no. I mean, Ryan is going to find information. Why can't you? Oh, yeah. Holly, she was not in Beauty and the Beast. Okay. By the way, I don't think my parents are too broke for any photo that wasn't a daguerre type at the time. Is there a rubbing of you?

Yeah. You got a cave drawing by chance. Like a tree rubbing, you know. Did anybody rub you smooth? Anyway, the point I was trying to make about beauty. and the Beast, I'm going to steer this train back away from this to a completely other conversation that was also upsetting, is that the kid who was in this Beauty and the Beast show that I was in was playing LaFou, you know, Gaston's little sidekick.

Yeah. And he, this was an American Idol heyday, right? And he sang LaFu's song like he was trying to get to Nashville on American Idol. And this is the only song he named. Respect. No, I can't drop my voice up there, but you really had to. he would get up there and you know the song right

the drinking song the Gaston song he'd get up on a table in his little breeches and shirt and be like gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston and we would all just kind of stare around at each other and nobody corrected him he sang it that way through the whole show trying to say he sang it like Clint Black

every guy here loved to be you Gaston even when taking your lumps that boy Michael Boubley yeah yeah hated them that by the way you can subscribe to the moon crew

discord for just $3 a month at patreon.com slash moon crew you had to look that up of course I did because I could get it wrong that's why I look things up we also

I don't know if you said this while I was gone pre-owned airboats.com for the duration of the charity bowl points you directly to the donation link so that's where you can go

to get in on the fun. Yeah, you can also type in EDSBScharitybowl.com. It will take you directly to the link. Or you can text Charity Bowl 21 to 911-999 if you fools

manage to raise a million dollars. Which again, I'm just scoffing because it'd be awful. But if you manage... He'll make me hang out with a shave, Spencer. He looks like Dilbert when he doesn't have a beard. Charity Bowl 21-9-999 if you raise a million dollars. I'll shave the beard.

I don't want to see any more of him than I already have to. I will shave. Smooth operator. Smooth. Before we go, before we go full Dilbert, can we shave it into fanciful shapes? Absolutely. Yeah, no, you've got to, listen, you've never gotten to do this. You get to shave it down into, like, fun, different styles.

No, I've never gotten to do that. Can you put a stencil? Can you put a stencil over him and leave a block M? Can we put, can we do ads? Yeah, you can, you can, oh, Block M is a great idea. For, yeah, I will, for one of our major sponsors, I'll shave a damn shape of this thing. Can we, can we do a cartoon thing and, like, fire a hole through it? You know, like, hold it, hold it safely to the side.

Yeah. Yeah, but I'm coming up. You bring it into your bangs, but you're going to let us do this. I'm coming up to Kennesaw for that, though. I'm going to need people, I'm going to need people legally required to own guns. Yeah, there's no guns in Atlanta. Yeah, no. $209,502.

God, God. Yeah. So, thank you all for your charity and for the donations you will make later in the week when we resort to ever more extreme stunts to keep. Make him smooth. No, no. I would say make him smoother.

Ryan, can we buy make him smooth.com? I'm going to guess that that's taken. I bet it's not. And here's the thing. Make him smooth, not dot biz. Just Google it. I'm no, I'm not finding out the hard way. Did you mean make him smooth?

No, I didn't. I'm an idiot. I'm just go, oh, no, oh. Oh, make him smooth.com available. No, we got to get make him smooth.org. Also available. We should just. I mean, get the dot com.

Make a guy feel needed and wanted. Make him smooth. Dot com for better, you know, for more authoritative branding. You see, you know, you see dot info. down there like a Ken doll. What a disturbing. Melt his flesh back into his body. What a disturbing website we could create

that just had the message, make him smooth. How? Make him smooth. Like zombo, but make him smooth. Yeah, exactly. Just like make him smooth. Why?

If we say it enough, it's not going to bother me anymore. He will be, life will be better and your family would be happier if you make him smooth. Anything is possible with make him smooth. Who is him?

You know he. Make him smooth. The elder one. The elder one. He who is lumpy. The lamps are through the killing field. Make him smooth. Oh, boy.

He who must be made smooth. Once he is smooth, all will be smooth. It's not working. The situation's not getting it. Imagine a world of smooth. Smooth world. It's just got Japanese city pop. It's got like city pop behind it.

Too do to do to do to do Do you're going to shave. I have a good natural break right here, so I'll shave down to there. Yeah, so just fill up my Adam's apple. Smooth the earth. That's the terraforming we're actually going to do. We're going to try to do some dumb shit, like fix the environment.

Oh, fuck, we smoothed it all. You won't give me a single one of your teeth, but you're going to let us terraform your face. Mountains present different holes. Like entire planet exactly five feet underwater. Fuck. Yeah. We're just going to put a coat.

We're just going to put a light coat of poly around the earth, and it's going to be fine. Did we build an entire planet five feet underwater by accident, or did we make an outstanding waiting pool? Yeah, I mean, that's basically what it is, and we'll put, like, blocks. That's what we'll stand on. Ocean is all carry around blocks. Wait, I think we just invented water world. We did. Fuck.

We always invent water world. Smooth water world. Smooth world. Mountain separate. Smooth water. Now this is just a Davidoff ad from the 90s. Please rise for our national anthem. Man, it's a hot one.

Like 60 inches from the ocean floor. It's just like the ocean covering the earth. It's just like the ocean. It's just like the ocean. Up to my chest. But only your chest. No higher. But my chest is so smooth.

So smooth. Because the constant salt water has scoured away all texture on my body. Sin and hair have been removed. All is smooth now. Thank you, Greg Jennings. Thank you, thank you, Jesus, Greg Jennings. For going to hell to kill Satan and making it smooth. Thank you for getting rid of the textures, which were what, that's what the sin was all along.

That's right. the polygons all over the place. The bitmap must be smooth. Finally, in our new two-dimensional earth, I no longer covet my neighbor because I cannot tell where my neighbor is. All the smooth.

All this is smooth. All this at last. Who has not looked at the body? He was like, a word. Here in the smooth heaven and the smooth earth. I see the smooth Jerusalem descending from the sky. I mean, you realize, do you realize?

The Jerusalem. This is already a midwesterner's idea of paradise. This is basically... Well, you drive about 50 hours in that direction. And then you... Once you see... Well, there's nothing you can see, but then you turn. God, I'm gonna tell you, Sue.

It'll be great. We'll take the kids! We'll see... Oh, look! Look! Cows' heads poking out of the water! Look, it's all smooth! This is great!

You can put a grill up in here! Yeah, that's right, Sawyer. You know, they got to stack the cows on top of each other so they can sun them for a while. Yeah, you get a little worn up here on my shoulders. We're going to put a grill in the back of this cow carcass. Oh, there goes Dale McLaughlin. The king of smooth on his chutzky.

Smoothest, man. You know, they say this is all his idea. Dale, buddy, just hang in there. You are going to rule in the aftertimes. Actually, Dale might hate it because there's no island to get to. That's true. island where he's just cursed to that man is the uh oh my god he becomes our sisyphus he's the ghost rider he's the flying dutchman now cursed to roam the seas forever in search of one lady on an

too smooth yeah it's too smooth his pants are on fire that just makes him a better myth there's an element of cautionary tale yeah you'll see him he's a don't be smooth that guy the he's the he's the he's the icarus isn't he yeah it's like the one who flew too serious yeah yeah God, it sucks that this is the only... Don't act like we can just stop talking about that. It really sucks that this is the only podcast. You think there'd be more. That's such a fucking shame.

I disagree. We've solved all the world's problems with smoothed it down to just the one. You're right. Until then, I think you're probably going to need to go ahead and make some investments until the smooth revolution makes us... I think you're going to need to put... a little money in the piggy bank and you might need a little help doing that am i right jason uh you probably i mean i i wouldn't i wouldn't assume what our listeners finances are like they're

probably incredible um but just evidently even i mean there's only one podcast so it's not like they're getting investment advice anywhere else but since that duty falls to us i'm going to advise you to go to acorns.com slash fullcast uh where you can begin with a free five dollar boost your world-smoving terraforming fund. And what will happen is every time you purchase, say, scuba gear or some nice boots that will make you taller once the ocean is five feet deep everywhere. Those nickels and dimes from those purchases rounded up will go into your Acorn's account, along with whatever money you decide to throw in here and there,

and that gets invested in stuff. As markets go up, your line goes up, the ocean goes up, and eventually you can afford a one of those you know one of those little beach houses that are on stilts I'd like one of those anyway

a smooth a smooth home floating orb you mean a smooth home yeah a smooth yurt you want the smoothness you want to smooth this home an orb oh yeah a water a water is a circular above and below wow

I would have ruled the world from an enormous one of those those pillows that you jump off of like the inflatable pillows where somebody sitting here like giant 30 foot inflated pillows you mean like in the very first digital viking the 20 foot diameter floating champlain that could be towed behind a boat yes but i want the one where you jump on one side and you you want the one that's like a bean bag yeah it's like a beam bag and you get shot up the other end that's how we send people to greg jennings this is what this is what court is in smooth world yes that's quiet mount the pillow the pillow shall judge

you or do we uh when we have two litigants do we drop them both on and whoever that's that's right gets bounced off exactly whoever gets guilty yeah let's just go back to how we figured

out who was witches yeah let's no the double bounce decide it's salt water so they got a handicap

yeah all will be smooth by the way by the way this week at my acorn's early account the lead

that my eldest has on my younger child has increased because evidently at one point my younger child has embezzled

a another dollar out of the account talk about smooth shit this kid is fucking just siphoning money off and we're talking about it and you can't stop him you can't figure out how to stop it you can't plug the leak I mean some people talk about their children being a slow gas leak in their house asphyxating all their finances mine are literally that one of them buy a by one of them buy a dollar this week and I encourage you all to Rob Spencer if you can because apparently it's pretty easy yeah that's another good financial plan an eight year old has siphoned another dollar away from me. Thanks to the joy of acorns.com. And I have to say that's an excellent use of the app because you know what?

He's got to worry about his own business, man. And he's taking care of it. And I'm proud of him for that. Oh, the smooth earth has no time for family bonds. All is one. All is smooth. Smooth is family. I love, somebody says flat earth and you say,

moron, they say smooth earth and you say, that sounds awesome. Come right with us. We have a community for you. You are no longer lonely. Let us discuss how the earth is already smooth. They want you to believe mountains are real. You know what's real?

Marbles. It's perfectly smooth. Who hasn't looked at the Rocky Mountains and thought, I wish those are smooth. Get that shit out of my sight. Get that shit out of my face. Can't fool me. I'm going to walk right through it.

That looks so much better three feet under the water of an eternal ocean lining the entirety of the earth. I just want to live on the wave. planet from interstellar. I think that's what we've designed here. Yes. Really? Time goes fast so we'd be dead in a hurry.

Yeah, you get it knocked out real quick. That's also, by the way, turning the entire planet into one huge wave pool. Yeah. I'm for it. Erosion smooth as shit. Do you know what Dale McLaughlin's been doing? Surfing that one wave.

Erosion is just trying to make the Earth smooth force. Erosion hastens the smoothing. Yes. Tonight, um before we solved all of earth's problems by making all smooth i did want to talk about being petty because this week i read yeah we got to get that all out of our systems before the smoothing comes that's true because after that listener this is the part where the episode begins you've you've got on a long journey of prologue to arrive to this point congratulations

Minut 42. So I did a bit on Beaumonti Jones' excellent podcast, The Right Time, about Kane Mutiny, which is Bruce Feldman's book. You just admitted there's another podcast. Jesus Christ. This is why you'll be. I'm more interested in hearing about how he feels about his Ed book, but go off. You will be, this is why you will be pumiced down in the smoothinging.

Spencer, you said, no, I didn't. Can you expound on that? I will not. Damn. Now that was smooth. That is smooth. Yeah, that's right. I control the horizontal.

I control the vertical. When I say something isn't, and then I say it is, the combination of those two things equals a perfect smoothness. That's right. And for any of y'all who completely understand that, don't question it all, your brain's already well on the way to smooth congratulations so this week i did uh something on pomani jones right time on the podcast where we did the intro to cane mutiny i did no i didn't

um wow and we talked about jimmy johnson jimmy johnson one-time coached the galboys one-time of the national champion miami hurricanes one-time coach of oklahoma state uh coached dolphins and then spent a year after retiring without wearing shoes. Jimmy Johnson is one of the greatest men to ever live because he spent a year in the Keys without ever putting on a pair of shoes after he hit his big quitting time. That is a career goal.

That is a life goal. If you don't understand it, turn this podcast off right now. It's not for you. If you're vibing with it, okay, you found the right tribe. You're here with us right now, okay? Jimmy Johnson, in this snippet from when he was, was at Miami is depicted as a master manipulator by that you mean kind of a sociopath he's the kind of guy who when kind of a sociopath the kind of guy who when michael irvin stabbed somebody with scissors oh right that

yeah it's like well that's too bad he's first string sorry that's our starter um and kind of lets it go and it eventually releases the other guy that's that's the kind of sociopath that he had to be to succeed Johnson is described as a master manipulator, but that's not what this sounds like. This sounds like a man who is well-versed and is an experienced practitioner in the art of petty. How petty? Well, I'm about to share it with you. So, Johnson was from Arkansas. Frank Broyles, great coached Arkansas, long-time athletic director with slightly different results as the guy in charge.

Frank Broyle said that by far Jimmy Johnson was the smartest player he ever coached. Jimmy Johnson had a 162 IQ. Jimmy Johnson is just a flat, brilliant dude. Jimmy Johnson also has a mean streak a mile wide and did not forget when he was slighted. In 1983, Frank Boyle's passed on Johnson as a head coaching candidate and hired another former Arkansas Razorback. Ken Hatfield. Ken Hatfield. He ended up coaching the program.

Counterpoint. Hen Catfield. Hen cat meat. Way more interesting. Ken Hatmeet. When Ken Hatfield got that gig. Cat Henpeck. I like that too.

Johnson got the Kane's job, and then what did Jimmy Johnson immediately do after taking the Miami job? Murdered Ken Hatfield. So to speak. Yes, so to speak, because he scheduled Arkansas. for a home-and-home and against an eventual 9-3 Arkansas team in 1987 in Little Rock the Keynes went up there and they beat the hell out of them eventually winning the game

51-7 and the players gave Johnson the ball goodness I wouldn't do that yeah they gave him the ball that's how petty he was minute he got the cane's job he's like you know who we need to put on the schedule why don't we put Arkansas hey jimmy what's the historical rivalry or the national importance the significance of playing the arkansas razorbacks don't ask just do it put him on the schedule must burn that was all he wanted he just wanted to go in and burn their house down into a smooth pit into a smooth even ash pit was this that's what he did good Arkansas and nine and three okay yeah they ended up being nine and three Betty took offense to that.

Yeah, Betty was like, why are you shit-talk in Arkansas? Yeah, they were nine and- That was Betty saying, A record alone is no indicator without strength of scheduled advanced metrics. This game got... No, she's a hound, man. She was just saying, and they cheated. Yeah.

This game got Ken Hathfield into trouble twice once when he lost it, and the second time went on the coaches show, as he traditionally opened each show with a Bible verse. Ken Hettfield chose. Jesus wept. How'd that get him in trouble? Frank Prolls did not like that. It doesn't like you toying with the Lord

and mocking Arkansas football and vice versa. So he got in trouble twice for that. Jimmy Johnson would go on to win the Super Bowl with the Dallas Cowboys. Ken Hatfield did not. Yet? Yet. Could it?

Buddy, I, if anybody was going to win at the age of 78, might be somebody who just goes and coaches Arkansas for a year. So how about the next year, 88, the other leg of that home and home, when Arkansas rolls into Miami at, let's see, they are 10 and 0, and then loses by two points. Scares the crap out of them. Like, fair play to Arkansas for doing that, right?

That's, like, just as frustrating is getting, you know, getting your ass kick. Getting your ass kick by 80s, Miami. Okay, that happens. almost beating 80s Miami to hit 11 and O entering bowl season oh that sucks Arkansas that was probably that was probably all part of the plan too right see Jimmy Johnson being like what would hurt him most I've done the I've done the research and data says that losing by two points

would be most damaging to the Arkansas psychology here Jimmy said oh I'll make Jesus weep by the way Ken Hapfield's wiki photo definitely looks like somebody who's slightly confused that he coached arkansas just like it's him as rice head coach cohen how did this happen he was he was one of two clemson coaches to leave for rice that has happened twice all time to just uh and another leave for the up and leave clemson for rice yeah which by the way ken hatfield was great at arkansas he's good it's worst season was

seven four one right he had three 10 win seasons two nine wins seasons two nine wins seasons and then like a wise man what did he do he got the hell up out of arkansas before something bad happened to him because that's what happens to all arkansas head coaches eventually nothing good something weird's going to happen to you so he went to the low pressure job of uh clemson okay maybe that wasn't super advisable but anyway not not a slouch that you know was getting all of this taken out on him but it made me think of other petty it did not make you just think of other petty though jason it made you think about arkansas petty specifically we got more arkansas football stuff right yeah yeah i mean bret belema first sure like like bret belema

being like the king of minor petty which you don't really think about it until you go back to the fossil record and realize that bret beeloma one uh went for two while beating indiana by like 50 because and I quote that's what the card said and then what do you do? So at Arkansas I was Texas Bull

against the longhorns and he was like throwing the hook him the whole time right? And that was when that was where borderline erotic came from right Arkansas shutting down Texas

this man just up and decided he had to pay to Texas. Also Brett Bilema tripped a wire when he used a dumb kickoff rules back in... This is my personal favorite. Yeah, yeah, back in 2006. Back when we didn't know what kind of person Brett Bilemma was, but we, well, we didn't really know what kind of a person Joe Pob was either.

We were just faintly irritated by him. And, oh, wait, did he get mad? Yeah, because the NCAA had decided that... So 6 or 9? 06, the clock was going to start when you kicked the ball on kickoffs. Rule 3, 2, 5. C. Yeah,

only lasted a season. Why? Because with 23 seconds left in the first half against Penn State, Wisconsin kicked off, and he told his players to intentionally go offside. Not once. Not once. Not twice. No, no, no.

Twice. Twice. And on the sidelines, the coach that he pissed off. And because he just did this kind of stuff, he had to be cartoonishly visible about it. Joe Paterno's on the sideline going, What do you want to get to kick the ball and did it? Joe Paterno, also known as Joe Pesci, as we all remember. Yeah!

He's so mad, man. Joe Pesci on the chipmunks turntable. I swear it sounded like that. Uh, uh, smiles, uh, where are you kicking the ball?

I hate this voice. I thought I hated Ricky Jervase, but I really hate this one. Raiding blood! From a nasty way in sky! You know, now I don't feel bad that we buried the actual episode 42 minutes here in. What episode? Now I feel bad that we're the only podcast. Yeah.

There really should be another. one. Strange. The only winning move is not to press play. Only winning move is not to pod. Only winning move is not to talk about the actual end of Joe Paterno's career, isn't it? Not pod.com. So, yeah, he did that.

I was not taken either. Yeah. Also, Beelma went for two at the end of another blowout win against over Minnesota and gotten to a tussle with Tim Brewster. Which that's got to be fun. Which that lingered all the way through their various careers in the SEC and ACC. So there was also on the field there was the Houston Nut versus Hugh Freeze saga that played out over the Houston Nuts.

God, that's beautiful. Ten-year gambit to take down Hugh Fries that worked when basically they dumped public documents back and forth. Because you die by the FOIA, you live by the... the foyer because what happened to Houston nut when he was at Arkansas Houston nut got his phone foiled all right and it revealed uh some it revealed a lot of personal calls and Houston nut remembered this so what happened if you freeze when he was at all this learns yeah it's the learning machine when you think learning machine think Houston nut this is right the worst Star Wars saga ever we trained we we we trained an AI Houston nut and

him watch one million dumb things football coaches do and then we pointed him at hugh freeze gonna start the world's dumbest computer company and it's gonna be in arkansas and we're gonna instead of watson we're just gonna name the computer houston it's gonna have the same voice hate way computers here's what you do to get someone fired from a football coaching job you foyer you foyer their phone records yeah i just tried to open no sorry no this is this is clippy houston nut i'm here to tell you out of fuck-up old this clipping nut it it looks like you're trying to get somebody fired huh hey brother can i help you put sugar in someone's gas tank can i what clipy looks like you need some

hepping that's right there it is yeah can i help can i help you with that needs some hepping Yeah, so he was the one who eventually got Hugh Freeze's phone records for him. Hey, it looks like you're trying to apply for the Nevada job. That's not even open. Good, because I got dibs on it. That wasn't the one where he's like sticking through the fucking rafters to apply at Yukon just like dropping down. USF?

Yes, USF, I think he just showed up and they were like, we didn't even ask you to be here. I mean, I think we might both be right is the thing. Like, I don't think it's either Yukon or USF. Yeah. Yeah. Y'all, listen, the sad thing is that if somebody just hired them, they'd win 10 games. Don't ask how. It just happened.

I mean, they'd win 10 games one year to the next. But I mean, isn't that more fun than winning six both years? I had somebody today, an Illinois fan, lay on the darkest, funniest, most self-aware comment I have heard about one's own fandom in a real long time. they donated $39, $37.39 to the charity bowl. And it was, hey, man. Jesus Christ, I love yourself. Love yourself just a little bit. What the fuck?

Sometimes healing is making amends. I don't feel good about this. I don't feel good about taking this person's money. I picture that scene in the green mile when he's just vomiting up flies. no it was i'm sorry far more charitable it was it was r d ames and i don't want to short him he actually gave 9799 and the reason he gave 9799 was this to celebrate bret belemma's career wins coming into champagne and the career wins with which i reasonably expected to leave so i was saying in 3739 i was thinking 3739 was some losing score for illinois that we were celebrating

because it was so very close to a win. He's like, this dude is already like, well, Brett Biel was going to win two games in his entire tenure in Illinois. And I was like, bet? Damn. That's about right. That's even sadder than what I thought it was.

Two games. And I was like, yeah, brother. That's probably about right. Oh, that's one of the few jobs where if you said, well, he came in with 97 wins and he left with 93. I wouldn't question it. Like, they just somehow took games off his record, being Illinois's head coach. I wanted to hear from, you have a non-football Arkansas.

Well, so speaking of Arkansas, all right, and speaking of beef, okay, we've been talking about beef on the football field. And we've been talking about, you know, beef between Jimmy Johnson and the state and all that. But let's talk about actual beef, the cattle industry, okay? how familiar are we with the tick war not at all sorry did you mean William Shatner's tech war no I didn't huh I meant tick war I'll just go on mute then

huge nerd if you can stick around if you make like tick noises so around the turn of the century 1900 should be exact ticks were a big problem the cattle's and they they're quarantining cattle within, you know, within states and wind counties, the government's like, ah, we got to get a hold on this. All the southern cows are too skinny and gross and disgusting. And that should be, you know, that should be where the big fat cows are.

Everything's wrong because of the ticks. Ticks are ruining the American cattle industry. And there's this long, long, long process of dipping cows to get the ticks off their bodies. Oh, yeah, like sheet dip, yeah. Yeah, and the process that the government came up with was they were going to install these concrete vats to walk cows through, and they divided up the country, and they're going county by county by county, and they got records that show like, okay, this year we made it through, you know, X square feet of Georgia, X square feet of Alabama, et cetera, et cetera. It took like 40 years to cleanse the south of all its nasty, tick-ridden cows. And most southern ranchers and farmers went along with this. Like, great, I'd rather have healthy fat cows than sick, gross, skinny cows. But the South is the South.

Does this sound familiar to anyone else? Because it definitely doesn't sound familiar to me. It went on for, like, there's so much history. I'd never heard about it until today. But can you guess which three states were most ornery about putting up with the government coming in and cleansing the cows? Tennessee. Texas, Arkansas, No, yes, Louisiana.

No. Missouri. Florida? No, no. Kansas. No. Okay, apparently we can't guess. You've guessed all around.

Alabama and Georgia are also in the top three. I calculated. I calculated. At the time, at the time. Yeah, yeah. So I calculated that based on a key paragraph in the USDA report on this entire history.

It's a 400-page report. I didn't read the whole thing. I just control F for the word dynamite, which appears 113 times. Wow. Between just April 13th and May 30th, 1919, a total of 72

cattle dipping vats were dynamited in Arkansas. Yes. Arkansas just fucking had it, and they were just blowing these tick-dipping vats up. This was the worst period of destruction of vats and like that's just that's just one glimpse just one window because

in particular Alabama Georgia and Arkansas these things were just blowing up left and right and like you look at nuclear American history and it's like okay like the 30s there's a depression 40s there's there's war what were we doing in the 20s this is what we're doing in the 20s we're blowing up shit that was meant to take the ticks off of cows that's how we spent our time from the farmers indeed that's right that's where that's where that's where that route works So World War I ends, and we got to do something with all our explosives. That's where they go, to blow up Arkansas. Fair enough.

I swear to God, everyone in that state has 15 squirrels. There is a still unsolved murder of a county cattle investigator. His name is Charles Jeffrey. Multiple, and all this is Arkansas. He was... Wait, wait, you're telling me steak rancher was a real person? Yeah, well, that might have been who got him, but we never found him. We never found the guy who, quote, this is from Arkansas Times,

hidden assassin fired a shotgun from the woods. So, like, shotguns don't shoot super far. This isn't a sniper situation. Like, this guy's, like, 15 feet away. Carrying a potted ficus in front of him. Yeah, this is the worst sniper ever. Like, somebody's like, the stealth. I've drank my own piss for the last three weeks trying to get a shot.

Like a ninja I received in the woods. I got snow in my mouth so we won't see my breath. Blam! Silent is death itself. There were multiple barns burned down. This was an awful time to be a county cattle assessor in particularly Arkansas. Also, Oklahoma was bad. There was a whole anti-dipping association.

Oklahoma got political about it. But Arkansas just took it all out with dynamite. Y'all don't make it this easy. Don't be like, so they actually killed people because they didn't want to give something a bath. It's my right to get, it's my right to get ticks. I want my filthy bug infested beef. I want it now.

So the slight, you know, the reason you could understand the Arkansas frustration is like, this isn't like ranching country. This is like a farmer with two cows, you know. Like the cows are, for milk right and if the cow is disgusting and skinny then well the milk's still going to come out fine there might be a you know might be a little lumpy with ticks in it but that was why argos i was so mad is like we're not tick milk yeah i just sprinted through a strainer it's fine

i like my cow's pre-jerked it's like uh it's like do you want ice cream with sprinkles on it right oh that's how they invented ice cream because they had to strain milk on account of the ticks i just got an idea for raisin bread y'all see this is also this is also proven one of my points which is that if you say a fucking thing about raising bread

it's right at one point at one point in this country's history it was far too easy to get dynamite far apparently this is great I disagree this is all great

now tanner right that's another thing all together oh god Ryan wait no Jason or is there more oh there's a lot more but that's where we're gonna

we're gonna cut it short there for the time being. We'll come back. Remember, there are 110 mentions of dynamite that I didn't even get to. I just, to be clear, Spencer, I want you to rethink when you're saying that

it was too easy to get explosives, I want you to think how many times you've seen a story where it's like, multiple people kill that gender reveal. Every day in this country, every day in this country, there's some headlight like,

fucking idiot, blows up house. Yeah, this problem is got away it's just changed um it's just named after nevea now you see we're going to blow up that cow and if the guts are blue it's a boy and if they're big it's a girl it's mackenzie grace if the guts are green it's mackenzie gracing it's great if the guts are blue the cow was a boy everybody in that state got 15 squirrels for a brain uh Ryan yeah how did the first how did the he has to both start and why was it so petty okay so the short version is that before

arizona and arizona state were going to play um the 1968 territorial cup this is when they were both in the western athletic conference before they jumped to the pack i think it was the pack eight they were joining at the time um they both had very good records on the season and the winner was going to go to the Sun Bowl, one of the oldest bowls at the time and sense. And neither team had been to a bowl game in like, I don't know, 15 years or some shit like that. Now, Arizona had the better record,

but was basically worried that they were going to lose to Arizona State. So before the game, Arizona's coach, Daryl Mudra, called the Sun Bowl. And he said, listen, you have to invite us to the game now, no matter what happens, or if we win, we will refuse to come. Like, this is the ultimate I am giving you. If you want Arizona to play in the Sun Bowl, we have to be offered it now, regardless of the outcome of the game. And the Sun Bowl said, okay, yeah, like we don't want to be in a position where we can't get one of the big schools from, from in from in the state to come so yeah we'll we'll let that happen

Arizona State finds out about this obviously and then they beat Arizona 30 to 7 in what Arizona State head coach Frank Cush called the probably his most satisfying victory ever so and and but like bowl wise still went in Arizona's favor eight and two Arizona went to the Sun Bowl, ate into Arizona State, who had just beaten the Wildcats, did not get a bowl bit at all because there weren't all that many bowls at the time. Because of this, basically, Arizona State's having their, like, postseason banquet, and the president of the school is there and boosters there and shit like that. And they're basically like, you know what? we should host a we should like start our own bowl game so that the western athletic champion will automatically get in which arizona state was they were they were the whack champion by virtue of

beating arizona um and and they said like let's let's just make this happen and that's how they built the fiesta bowl so that they could have a bowl to stop getting screwed over because they like the whack had already had a very bad history of like having strong champions that because they weren't regarded as a particularly as as one of the top conferences they somebody would get picked over them and and that's how out of spite and anger over a Arizona fuckery Arizona State helped give birth to what ended up becoming a BCS bowl and a host of several national championship games a beautiful thing born or spite I love it I also love that if you search Frank Cushfield which is the field at Sun Devil Stadium

in Tempe, Arizona the first photo you get of Frank Cush Field is a shot from the stands obviously open source from a fan of heavy firework smoke over Frank Cushfield thank you internet you never fail

I wanted to tell the epic story of one man and his hatred of a goatee and that's one that I know a lot of people on this podcast love which is the story of how much Paul Johnson absolutely hates Brian Vancorder Buddy he's got company in that oh my God does he but I think we got to turn the mic over at this point so yeah Paul Johnson

was a very successful coach at Georgia Southern. Let me state for the record, by the way, first of all, the Georgia Southern. Great football program. Great, demonstrably great. There's no shame of losing to them. They're amazing.

Champions at multiple levels. Incredible tradition. All hail, Eric Russell's hallowed grounds in Statesboro. That said, Brian Van Gorder, who you may remember is a defensive coordinator at Louisville, Georgia, and other stops where he was thrown aside and not missed at all. Yeah, Brian Van Gorder was the head coach at Georgia Southern in 2006.

And in 2006, Brian Van Gorder decided to advertise his revolutionary non-triple option offense by saying that there was no option that appeared on the poster on the advertisement announcing Brian Van Gorder's appearance in Statesboro, Georgia. There was no option. We have to amputate. That ended up being. Just a great message there. I love it.

I personally love it. Yeah. Brian Van Gorder managed to alienate everyone in the city of Statesboro to the point where he only spent a single season there after trashing the triple option, which by the way, any could tell you that if you went down to statesborough georgia and said yeah we're running the option no more that wasn't really something you could do it's just not like they they'd run it since the 80s and before some version of it well before the version johnson had had been installed in the 80s and was wildly successful there um you weren't going to get away with anything else and even if you did you'd have to

basically trojan horse it in as change so brian van gorder goes to down there he absolutely bombs goes three and eight um has the worst record in like modern georgia southern football history and he's outy he's out so wheel turns wheel turns paul johnson's navy paul johnson goes to georgia tech paul johnson's georgia tech team uh meets louisville all right in the year 2018 um and after multiple attempts uh at multiple stops to schedule brian van gorder and georgia southern or a brian van gorder team they finally meet organically and what happens that's right after avowing that he wanted to beat the hell out of brian van gorder several years earlier georgia tech beats louisville 6631 with 542 yards rushing

42 yards and 28 first downs. Just leisurely strolling down the field and going. When asked about it and why they put up 542 rushing yards. Was this in Atlanta? No, no, no. This was in Louisville.

This was at the big oven. This was at Papa John Stadium. When asked why they had piled up 542 yards, Paul Johnson said, just to execute the offense. Do you know the one detail that makes this even better? Please. This was, I think it was the second time that Johnson had faced Vanguard. So there was, I think, so when Vanguard was at Notre Dame,

I don't know if they met then, but I know one year, Georgia brought in Van Gogh. order as like an option guru like a guy who could help them to get the option and it's like yeah he did that but he did it as the head coach right so like Georgia brought in Van Gorder as like a defensive consultant and then what well his his time handling the option went about as as a par for the course because Georgia lost to George Tech's triple option that year and uh I'm looking at it. It was 2016. It was 2016 that that happened. And then two years later, it was when PJ left, no doubt. 66.30. Something, okay. Did any of y'all keep up with his more recent career moves?

No. Which, by the way, if you open up this guy's wiki page, his coaching career page takes up an entire page. I mean, the sidebar unit takes a page to scroll through. Because 2019, 2020, he was at Bowling Green as the defensive coordinator. Didn't go great. Does anybody, well, before we get there in the Scott Leffler era, does anybody want to know who the offensive coordinator was? I know this was an all-star coaching staff.

I just don't remember exactly which guy this was. I don't remember either. I'm just kidding. Anyway, he is now at Gulf Shores High School with Mark Hudspeth, which if you know how Hudspeth ended up washing out of his most recent college job is funny. But what I did not know until researching Brian Van Gorder tonight was that he announced his retirement from college coaching before he or during or after he got down to Gulf Shores. I don't know.

How's it going? I think the other funny coach on that staff was Carl Polini very briefly. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. Woo. Now, that is a group. That's a fun group. Also, Cato June for a minute.

Goodness. All are welcome. All are welcome at this smooth bowling green. The home for way. Hey, that needs to be smooth if you want a bowl on it. That's right. Man, I'd go coach at Gulf Shores High School. That sounds great.

It sounds like the most amazing scam of a job. I hope, I do hope Hudson and Van Gorder are living in a van together. We don't need a house. Do they call it the Van Gorder? The Van Gorter. This is funny. Can I give you a great, great quote from Scott Leffler at Bowling Green, which is an all-time coach speak? Scott Leffler, I'm not going to use Bowling Green, win, leave, and watch this place go to hell.

No, Scott. No, Scott. This reminds me, I don't know. He promised to never leave. Do you know Scott Leffler went to Michigan? We don't talk about that enough. No, we don't talk about that. So he was saying he was not going to, like, get Bowling Green to the, you know, to a peach bowl or whatever, and then abandon them when they need him most.

With a two-year record of three and 14, no, no. So what he was saying is they're stuck with me for a really long time. Did you hear who the new coach at Tennessee State is going to be? Yes, I did. Eddie George. Did you hear who he's bringing with him? I sure did. I did not.

He's just going to be an advisor. He's not going to be there. That's right, which means he has no responsibilities and more time to cruise. Thank you. Is it Jeff Fisher? It's Jeff Fish. I will be in my bunk Oh my god

If they go six and six I am going to die Fuck Jeff Fisher Just strolling around Belmead with shorts With no underwear on Oh my

Hey Anybody know where I could get some lotion Jeff Fisher At the puffy muffin Are you fucking getting me Jeff Fisher Get over here And puff my muffin

Oh God Speaking of revenge. What happens if you just Twitter search Scott Leffler, Brian Van Gorder? That's a key master gatekeeper sitch. It is.

And then the state buff marshalman throws for 400 yards on Bowling Green's defense by the way, this is the second time Scott Leffler and Brian Van Gorder tried to do this double act because Gene Chiswick brought them into Auburn. That makes, see, when you say that,

I'm like, oh, Gene Chisich. really did want to retire he just didn't know it yet i'm not so here's the the oh wait no never mind there's a line on leffler's wiki that leffler was winked to the vacant positions at alabama ls u and wisconsin o c is the key term in there but even that is weird even that is weird i just want you to know that 12 years ago scott leffler was hired to do one thing at the university of florida and that was to fix tim tibos throwing motion yeah and he did That man has had a successful professional baseball career.

That's right. Yeah. He won an NFL playoff game. He has the longest winning touchdown pass in NFL playoff history, I think. Yeah, it's like in overtime or something. He has some bullshit record in the NFL. He's a first round pick. And he played for a bullshit MLB franchise.

Don't Andy Dalton and Tim Tebow have the same number of playoff wins lifetime? I don't know that Andy Dalton has a playoff win? I don't think Andy Dalton has a playoff win. I don't think Andy Dalton has one. Well, that's okay. He's not starting for anyone. Now he's a bear, so it's not. I had to look it up.

I had to look it up. I had to go see Bill C. With Brian Van Gord. Guys, we got to apologize. With Brian Van Gorder as DC, Bowling Green technically improved in 2019. From 128th to 124th in defensive SP Plus. Bonus.

Give me that bonus. Step by step. Oh, yeah. Tim Zbo, one in one. one in the playoffs and he Dalton oh and four yeah so yeah um go burr go bears you know what you know it would make uh football season more comfortable if you are a bears fan a is converting to death converting to a college college sports fan no no no no college sports because what do you need in death but a comfy shroud that's true that's right that's right

shit this is how we should have let out of the money me parade last week. We're talking, of course, about homefield apparel.com. Here's the thing. I think as society starts to open up again, and as we start to, you know, come out of our homes and resume something like a normal life, this is our opportunity to fight back on the sartorial status quo.

It wasn't okay to wear sweatshirts to weddings and to fancy dinners and to presidential inaugurations in the before times but this is not the before times it's the after times now and if we band together and throw off the shackles of dress shirts and suit jackets and uncomfortable dresses and shit like that and we just all go to our fancy events in our homefield sweatshirts we can change the course of history but we have to do it together the good news is home field is going to give you a bunch of options for your freedom armor, basically, as you ride into battle against the Brooks brothers and Joseph A. Banks's of the world. We're talking about, you know,

a ton of colleges. They've just announced they're coming out with something like 30 new items for, or 30 schools that are getting new items as well. A big new Saturday season two is coming up where we're going to get a bunch more schools. So the options are almost limitless and somehow yet expanding, much like the universe. You can get it on the action with offer code fullcast. That gets you 20% off your first purchase. And more importantly, you become a soldier in the honorable war against shirts with collars. We don't need them anymore. It's just the message that you want to send at weddings too. Like I struggle with my emotional health, but I got a job. You know what? You know what I think when I see

somebody wearing a shirt with the collar, that person's scared of vampires. Don't be scared of vampires. You're bigger than, you're stronger than they are. Wear home field Kroonak and say, come at me, Dracula. I'll fuck you up. You got the power of Zot in your side. Say, Dracula, where's my- Vampire Hunter?

Dracula, where's my goddamn money? That's right. That's right. Jason, you are a moon night. Thank you. Jason, Kirk, Dracula, lone shark. my favorite, my favorite moon night moment is when he sees Punisher, who's a loser. Punisher's a fucking dork.

He is nerd. He's on the back of a bunch of trucks. What are you talking about? Just a gear hog. But Punisher goes, hey, Moon Knight, you still crazy? And Moon Knight goes, yeah. Is your family still dead? What?

Don't play with Moon Knight. I love Moon Knight. It reminds me of my favorite TikTok, which I will now post in the Discord. Please do. I wanted to discuss one more act of petty because it better not be Andy Dalton because I got to close this tab no you please close put close the sarcophagus on the Andy Dalton mummy no you're gonna fire up that ooh what you say song he's gonna complete two passes Bears fans are gonna go hey we're back then yeah he's gonna run he's gonna run he's gonna run he's gonna run three yards on first down they're going to be like look at him multi-threat you know he is a multi-threat but perhaps not in the way there are multiple threats on the field he's an omnidirectional threat i think is what you mean he can fumble in multiple ways the the weirdest beef i can remember is that between debo

swenny and scott shaffer former coach of syracuse because Soft-nose Scott Schaefer. Because I think it started over a two-point conversion that Dabo called because I guess Dabo was a little heated at Syracuse. Who gets mad? The answer to this is Dabble Sweeney. Who gets mad at Syracuse? It's Dabbo Swinney.

Wait, are you a Syracuse person? It depends on the minute. I never knew this about you. It depends on the minute. But, Oh, Scott Schaefer is currently a defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State. Don't like that. I don't like that at all.

Get your hands off my Blue Raiders. But he... On the other hand, Tony Franklin probably makes him miserable. But there was a tense handshake of sorts and some yelling. And I believe at one point, Scott Schaefer got all up in Davo's face over this,

to which I think it's very important. We define what kind of fuck-based salutation you give Davo. Dabo is clearly the kind of guy who could be given a collegial... Ah, fuck Dabbo. because I'm pretty sure all coaches think this about each other but he's not the guy that you get real heated at

and be like hey man fuck you that's not you don't get that agro his dabble goes oh my stars yeah well I bless you bless you I disagree your team played hard he's not he frees he's not gonna like text your boss after you say that shit he might I don't know I don't think you would I think he'd just be like how you go with God as opposed to like

Hugh Freese he's like go with God and human resources who I've cced on this prayer for your damnation and your destruction. Scott Schaefer was also the guy that said that Atlanta was soft-nosed when everybody got trapped on the roads there. He's a peach of a guy. Yeah, yeah. By the way, did you ever see what happened to Georgia Tech and Syracuse at the next game?

No. You should go see it. I will look that up, see how that went for him. I'm guessing badly because I'm also guessing Syracuse didn't have much luck recruiting the peach state after the, that what are they going to need that for for anybody yeah well scott didn't need it he was just fine he's now a defensive coordinator at middle tennessee state the ideal career trajectory only if you live in my world of NCAA football where the best job you can get is middle

tennessee who gets mad at dabbo like i get mad at dabbo but i don't get like cussing mad at dabbo it's just not it's just there's no point in it i just found a um a jiff of shaffer in this moment and I forgot he doesn't just say fuck you dabbo he says fuck you dabbo you motherfucker and then he goes asshole and it was a stop on fourth down when they were up 35 to 7

in the first half sure in the first half anyway in 2013 Scott Schaefer lost a Paul Johnson 56 to nothing in Atlanta I don't know what I thought was delightful. Soft-nosed, huh? Well, just going to go to my blacksmith's shop and think about that for a while, Scott.

Do you think another Syracuse coach was like, God damn, man, it's just Syracuse football. Chill the fuck out. It had to be. Do we have two Syracuse guys on this call? Jason, how do you say it? thought about this. Syracuse, I guess. Oh, thank God. Okay. Saracuse.

No. Yeah, it's terrible. Dabo's Sweeney upon hearing about the outbursts responded, were we supposed to take a knee? Man, y'all know how I feel about Dabba, but that's beautiful. Oh, that's... Oh, boy.

That is festive. I have 100%. Just one more thing he has in common with Steve Spurrier. I know a guy I know he loves. How often does it come in in this particular group of people who are not known for their social skills? Do you say, yeah, that coach, he really didn't have any social skills?