Shutdown Fullcast - The Star Wars Spinoff Spectacular

Episode Date: May 25, 2018

Fun note: I (Ryan) somehow super screwed up recording my part of this so the first 10 minutes or so are just Jason and Spencer. I'm sorry/you're welcome, depending on how you feel about me as a part of this show. Also, we had to cut the whole part where we conclude Cloud City is a free love colony and Lobot is its greatest lover. Again, sorry/you're welcome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

welcome to the shutdown full cast oh hello this is an express edition we're just gonna record this before a long holiday weekend because you know we'd actually like to have those that would be good we would like to announce that we are doing a star war spin-off movie folks on will row hood who is the character who can be seen fleeing Cloud City with a machine that looks like ice cream and was eventually given a lengthy backstory in the expanded universe. So look for it in 2020.

We're excited. This is our first, it's a Vox Media production. You've seen, we did a Netflix show, we got a CNN show. Godfrey did a show for your phone that you can watch soon. It'll come out someday, soon, allegedly. But the shutdown forecast is excited. We're making a, it's called Hood.

It's the name of it. Yeah. I like somebody on Twitter. I can't remember who it was. I'll find out who it was. They said, listen, the only Star Wars movie I want is I want a whole movie on that huge space worm and Empire Strikes Back because damn, how'd that worm get so fucking big? I think it's like every fucking day a spaceship comes through there. Some dumbass spaceship comes through there.

So that's enough calories. The way they filmed it was deceptive. That was actually not. not a little traveled asteroid belt. That was like an interstate. It was just, it was a slow traffic that day.

I just want one where, you know, one of the voices narrating it, like it's David Attenborough and then it switches to a guy going, damn, that worm's big, ain't it? That's a big old worm.

Just Brett Beelan was sitting. They're going, oh man, look at them. That's a beefy worm. So we were down by the creek the other day. We seen a worm about that big. I think it was black and red. You know what kind of is?

is that those poignant I would love to do a film a stand-alone Star Wars film on Grumgar I had to look him up Grumgar is the enormous dude that you see for a second

in Maz Kanata's scene in her little bar in I believe that wasn't the last Jedi it was Yeah Force Awakens So in Force Awakens there's the bar scene Right it's like the sort of He's like the

He's like the galaxy's natural powerlifter and a pretty well-cut jacket. I got to say, like, the longer I looked at Grumgar and the photos, I thought, well, you know what? It's tailored. You don't just get that off the rack? Yeah, no, he's like the Trevor. He went to Trevor Madage's tailor. He's a big man, but the clothes, the clothes fit real well. They're beautifully cut.

Like, I love Marcus Spears and everything, but, like, it took until this season for him to realize his biceps. they're too damn big for a standard cut. He can't go off the rack. Yeah, the ads for that XL clothing store. It's, you know, DJ Khalid and this guy. Yeah, you know, listen, take care of yourself. Exercise a little self-care and go to a tailor just like Grongard did so he can get his fly-ass jacket and the pants which fit over his enormous thighs.

And then, I don't know much about this character, so if you're a real super nerd, I don't know, hit me up. You can even email me. I might read it. There's this other sort of lady who's kind of using him. I read the backstory, and she's kind of taking advantage of Grumgar and playing him up. And he's like, well, why wouldn't you find me attractive? I'm gorgeous.

Even though he looks like an enormous, like, space rhino man combination with two horns on his chin, right? He's sitting there and she's like posted up on him. I want an entire, like, Netflix series about their relationship. that's it just about him and you know what here's an excerpt from the reviews which is i'm baffled at why head writer spencer hall included an easy 90 minutes of scenes of just him deadlifting i don't understand why this happened i don't understand why there's just extended workouts and shots of him eating that reviewer clearly not familiar with your previous films i um i have another one to recommend this is i didn't know about this character until uh excellent i o nine article

11 minor Star Wars characters who got absurdly full lives in the expanded universe. This guy's name is Davin Felfth and the opening sentence of his entry. Of course, the guy who says, look sir, droids in a new hope, has a 4,000 word entry on Wikipedia.

Yes. Just some Stormtrooper who had one line and the expanded universe gave him this massive sprawling backstory which like until Disney came in and just deleted all that nerd shit, that was true for. literally anyone who appeared in any of the movies,

including, here's another example. Do you all know Bidlow Querv? No, no, but he sounds like a Bay Area rapper. That's some shit E40 said. It means sandwich. Get on that Bidlow Curve. And he'll explain that slang in the very next line. You still won't understand it.

So Bidlow Querv is the, in, uh, And Jedi, when Luke is down in the rancor's den and he throws the skull at the button, Bidlow Querv is the name of the person to whom that skull once belonged. No! This person has an entire backstory in the extremely nerdy, expanded universe. Yeah, it's a fucking skull. I can top that, though. I can top that.

Do you all know the story of Luke Skywalker with two U's? Again, Bay Area rapper. Luke Luke So in the Again in the expanding universe Which are no longer No longer valid

Because George Lucas Of course he was too lazy To flesh out his universe And he just was like Even though the internet didn't exist It's just like Oh let the internet do it And then Disney came along and said

No no no no grownups are here We're going to make money on everything Back then Admiral Thron Who is he was after the collapse of the empire He was one of the main Post Empire bad guys he was this allegedly brilliant space admiral.

And he's kind of, he's back in the, he's canon again, but this part isn't. He made a clone of Luke Skywalker, and the way you could tell them apart was this, the clones, his name was spelled L-U-U-K-E Skywalker. And it gets better because after Luke Skywalker died, he was replaced with Luke Skywalker, three U's. Someone actually wrote this. It was probably George Lucas, king of dumb ideas. So I'm making a movie about L-U-U-U-U-U-K-E-S Skywalker.

Good God. That's astonishing. It's the dumbest thing you've ever heard. I know. Ryan and I had an entire conversation about the Jawa's and about kind of like how they need some kind of story. Well, let's review. So the Jawa is based on what we know from the events of a New Hope.

This is what we know about them. They have a huge fucking transport vehicle. A vehicle that is possibly the physically largest thing we've seen in the Star Wars universe. It's like, I would say in terms of capacity, it's definitely bigger than an at-at-Walker, but it's maybe not as tall. and they use this to roam around the desert and kidnap lost robots. That's it. That's all we see them do.

And that's all we see them sell when they go to market. And by market, I mean, just pull up at somebody's house. They're just selling used droids. Now, because this is a desert planet, A, I don't know how many lost droids there are. And B, it feels like the chances are good that they're going to pull up to somebody's house and say like droids for sale and they're going to say like yeah two of those belong to me yeah you could see right there i i labeled them with my name yeah i'm the only house for 80 miles of course they're mine what is the problem like what are the economics of being a jawa it doesn't

seem like a profitable or at or a worthwhile enterprise in any way i don't get it so obviously when you make this film, you can answer this in full, but I have a little bit of insight based on having gone to Disney a couple years ago. Now that Disney on Star Wars, there's big Star Wars stuff everywhere. And Spencer, you might have seen this too. The Jawa's, there are people dressed up as Jaws walking around and you can trade with them. And like if you give them something shitty, you know, you give them like a quarter, they're going to dig in their bag and give you something shitty back. But if you give them something good, like I saw someone give them a banana and they dug around in their little bags

and pulled out like a pin which like at Disney a pin is like those are fucking awesome you want to collect pins and like my daughter she traded the Java's a pin and they spent like this little thing spent this little creature spent like a

good minute finding her something really sweet so they do trade stuff besides just droids you just wouldn't know it from the movie but where are they getting that shit people give it to I don't know see this is a question you have to answer somebody's given

somebody's giving them just pills right this is Florida it's Florida somebody's just walked up and giving them like I got five oxy what she got Chauai hands over a handgun is any of this legal

Tatooine There's another character on tattooing I'd like to do a movie about and that's racist Moss Isley bartender because this is the bartender who all 3PO and R2D2 trying to do is literally enter the bar. That's it. And he's just like, nope, they're not wanted here.

We don't like, we don't serve their kind. They have to wait outside. So he's got a very strict line about this. And at first you're like, well, maybe droids cause trouble. Maybe droids interfere with the aesthetic or who's the saying? But then later on, this same bar. bartender does not kick out a man who cuts off another patron's arm and a man who shoots another patron like those they only they only sort of like move along and about their business because

they choose to at no point is he like hey that's not cool you have to go there is no penalty for murder or dismemberment but being a droid crosses the line like what are what are this man's politics and what makes him think he has any standing to judge droids when he's running this fucking murder bar, can'tina. I think it's disgusting. And it makes me... He's just trying to make tattooing great again, okay? That's all he's trying to do.

You might as well be wearing a little red hat. Those droids didn't stand for the anthem, okay? Literally all C3Pio can do is stand. He can't kneel even if he wants to. Actually, I know the problem. C3PO knows a lot of languages. Come on now. Can't trust that.

we only speak one language here in this bar it's the one that sounds like yeah i um i think that the other the other droid i want to do is i want to do the uh nervous addict drama but with the medical droid that pops up and empire strikes back right how are you doing sir everything's fine i have imposter syndrome and i take robot drugs just to get through my day that's all i hear every time i see him. I just see somebody who's like, I got through a robot med school. One day they'll figure out I'm a fraud. What about the

droid that kills Padmei? And the excuse is like super weak, like bro, you don't, you only have a cover store. You just straight up murdered her. He's like, oh, she was real sad. There's nothing she can do. We can travel

through space and across the universe, but sadness eludes us. The other droid I really like, by the way who has a backstory that's funnier than anything I could make up because I said oh man we need something unlike what an awkward like thing person droid character IG 88 who if you know like this is another thing Ryan and I discussed which I think is an important point Darth Vader hires a bunch of bounty hunters an empire right to go find Han Solo they hire them and one there's no way that Vader did the proper paperwork their books are a mess right

2. IG 88 is just a robot and he's just made to like hunt and murder. So he's just got to be the worst hang ever, right? Like, so how's the family? Pursue! Yeah. Kill. Stun! It's got to be a bad hang.

I don't know. It sounds like hanging with a strength coach. Yeah, I don't know. You know, like they have some hobbies and you can talk to them about lifting. Right? But like, you know, and even if you're hanging out right, like there's like Han Solo and then there's Bosk. It's just a big lizard. But I don't know. Like I could amuse myself feeding frogs to Bossk, right? I pretty hear Bosk is the dog, the bounty hunter of the Star Wars.

Yeah, yeah. Like Bossk probably wants to get down, you know, pound a couple of beers, do some shots. And tell you about the Lord. Oh, there's no way Bosk isn't a man of pain. He's like, listen. Bossk is bored again. Jesus. Listen, I used to be like you. I used to be running spice. You know, the Lord put me on a different path. It's a rough road, but it's one he made me strong enough to walk. Do you mean the force? No, I mean Jesus Christ, so bitch. It flows.

It's all around you. It's kind of like that. Why don't you come to my men's weightlifting group? We live before church on Sunday. What the fuck is Sunday? It's the Lord's Day. I'll work in. I'll work in.

All right, let's get out of here and head to the Chick-fil-A. Yeah, no, there's no way Bossk isn't taking the little lizardlets to Chick-fil-A. Come on. No, man, Bossk lives out in, like, coming. He lives out in like McDonough, Georgia. You know, no way he doesn't drive the Yukon to the skies. That's it. There's Slave 1, it's Bobafet ship.

And then there's just a big old GMC Yukon that just flies like it's a spaceship. See that new Kirk Cameron movie? Bosque, I don't want to talk about. Come on. He's got a salt life sticker on the back. weird. That's not even part of the universe. But yeah, like, you can hang with Bosque. That's cool. That's fine. I mean,

any of these bounty hudders would make for a better movie than fucking Boba Fett. Luckily, that'll never happen. Oh, shit. About that. I guess that's why we're here. Yeah, they're going to make a movie about a guy who's big achievement, by the way, is

falling in a hole. But then there's a whole other story where he falls in it again. What a fuck up. It's like, it's like the whole's like, I don't want to eat Boba Fett. And the whole's mom is like, you will finish every bite of Boba Fett or you are not going outside. He, Boba Fett has the spaceship that is the most unfortunate to bring up in casual conversation the name of. Like if he's just out at lunch with a friend and they're like, oh, cool spaceship.

What's it called? He's like, slave, slave one. Called slave one. I didn't name it that, okay? That's the factory name. That's what that's what Mitsubishi just. decided to call it. Okay. Just say it's Italian. Slavione. Oh, oh, oh, speaking of names, do you all know Darth Moll's brother's name?

Why does Darth Moll have a brother? Everyone's got a family, Ryan. Everyone's related. There's like two families. No. Is it Chad Moll? No, no, it's not Chad Moll. So you know how the Star Wars thing where like everyone you can immediately tell from their name whether they're a good guy or a bad guy? Yeah. So Darth Mall's brother is named Savage Oppress.

Do you think he's a bad guy also? Somebody did some good work on Thesaurus.com. Savage Opress. Yeah, so I want a Savage Opress movie. We learned this, of course, because Darth Mall, like Boba Fett, was a popular character despite, like, showing up and immediately dying. So he also survived falling in a hole. And he went to live on a garbage planet where he built himself spiders. legs out of garbage, then met his brother and took over a planet with a mafia and so on and so

forth. Finally got killed by Obi-1. But the takeaway of all this is we need a savage, oppress movie. I would also watch a movie about what Obi-Wan did for all of those years on tattooing, because he's not out Jediing, and he doesn't have a job, as far as I can tell. And everybody just thinks he's like, this crazy old man. So I assume he's just staying home on message boards all day. Yeah, just thinking about the Kansas City Chiefs. I just want to say like

recreated Sir Alaganis on tiger droppings. Have you ever seen, okay, this leads to another question I had, which is I want the story of all of the, I mean, doesn't Yoda live to be 900? Something like that, yeah. I mean, he lives like almost a millennium.

Yeah. And I know that that based on my own life, you know, not all of those years are popping or interesting you know there's just vast empty spaces and I know that he's tied into the force and meaningful but I also know

that even in the Star Wars universe there's long periods of just going and getting trashed on planets and hiding from the world for Jedi's right you want the year where Yoda was struggling and selling cut co knives well what made me think of it there is a bad lip reading video set to music that is just Yoda like you know

the reading his lips and making up nonsense to him and honestly it sounds like Yoda it sounds like he had a year where he went down to the beach and got attacked by some seagulls and then walked back and was like yeah man fuck seagulls they're bad like that's you know it's gonna happen to you like Yoda's monologues don't always have to be meaningful I bet there were several hundred years where they were things like you know if you go down to the beach you get attacked by seagulls Hey, if you go to the grocery store and you ask for a kid's cookie, technically, they can't tell you no.

They have to give it to you. Legal business. They can't ask for ID. That's a discretionary cookie give. They have to give you that. You might as well try it. It costs you nothing. And if it works, you get a cookie.

There's got to be several hundred years of banal Yoda in there. Yoda's got a fucking life hacks blog. That's all Jedi do. though man right like they they they they mope around and nag people until they get in trouble and then they go hide on a planet and sulk for 300 years until somebody needs their advice luke obiwan yoda that's all these people do oh yeah jett i are definitely going to costco just for a free sample day 100% limit limit none is displayed yeah no i'm to me come on yoda has to But Yoda has to have life so wired that it's boring.

Yoda's an extreme couponer, isn't he? Oh, no doubt. No doubt. You don't want to get behind him in a checkout line. Yoda's got to have some problematic opinions, though. Like, think about if your granddad was born in the year, um, 1.18. You know what I mean? Yeah, but the problem is all of his opinions have got to be so dated at this point.

that'd be like if you had a grandfather this old who had like opinions about visigoths okay yeah like that doesn't really come into play anymore your granddad says some racist shit about the huns and you're like i i don't know if i'm related to the huns or not so i'm just going to ignore this yeah that's several that's several hundred iterations of interbreeding with other people from other continents ago but you're still holding it like deeply right like honestly Yoda probably like would take civilization very personally because he'd go God the Mongols bastards you killed my friend Ted killed my kindergarten teacher yeah I mean he'd have some beef right he'd have like he'd be like ah Napoleon what a dick

I think my favorite part about Yoda's backstory is that no one knows what he is it's like you look on the page and it's like Yoda species well he's Yoda he's Yoda He's just a Yoda Is Yoda like One of those Chinese dogs That turns out to be a bear Do we eventually find out Do we eventually find out that

Actually bought a feral deer, ma'am Yeah This is just this is a This is a talking ant eater He's yeah, that's all he is He's just a talking chinchilla Like that's That I just, if they don't know what he is

That he could be anything This smart frog doesn't jump that and that and the other character i really want um i've always loved porkins because he's the only demonstrably fat person not fat thing remember there's plenty of fat things in star wars right another but you can keep going it's fine is there another fat is there another fat dude yeah the rancor master yes yes i forgot we don't know that he's human though right let's assume that the rancor master and Porkens are brothers. That's...

I was going to say that's quite an assumption, but since the Star Wars, I don't see any way around it. There's some alternate story where Porkens, who if you'll know is the guy in Star Wars, who is the fat guy who is shot and killed, and everyone goes, wow, that was savage. Also, how is there a fat X-Wing pilot? Well, that, like, everybody else's name is just,

like, everybody's got their call sign. you're like red five gold leader standing by it and then out of nowhere it's just like porkins tighten up it's like god damn can't we can we stick to the call signs we talk to hr about you not calling me porkins over the fucking radio and you did it again look out fat guy flapmaster jenkins reporting like come on so yeah so here's my theory porkins and the rancor master are brothers. Porkins dies in the first, the attack on the first death star, and he leaves a very young rancor to his brother, the soon-to-be rancor master. His brother is fucking pissed because he told Porkins, don't go join up with Rebel Alliance. They won't appreciate you the way

I, your brother do, and they're just going to call you fatty. And sure enough, that's what happened. And I'm sure the Rebel Alliance did very little to commemorate Porkens' passing. so rancor master says fuck it i'm not participating in all that i'm going to take my my new pet rancor go work for java and that's why he's so sad at the end because when luke the fucking hero of the rebel alliance kills his rancor it's severing his last tie to his dead brother corkins that's fucked up dude yeah i sort of think they're the same guy that porkins didn't die he's just blasted clear and holds his breath until he lands That's it.

He's a big guy who's got a lot of breath to hold. Yeah, like, you know, the high body fat definitely insulates him from the cold of space just long enough so that he can go through reentry, right? He loses some of it. He grabs all the Darth Vader's spinning tie fighter. He's just like, oh, I sort of feel they made Rogue One just to apologize for that moment where it's like, oh, God, Darth Vader, our ultimate badass bad guy. is spinning toward you like a old newspaper in a 1930s cartoon. What a dork we made him look like.

Fine, let's make Rogue One where he looks like a horror movie monster. I have several other requests for Star Wars content before we run out of them. Completely one of them is I want an entire short film about what happens when Mace Window is blown out of the window and before he lands.

That's it. I just want what's going through his head. Because I know at one point it's like oh man, did I pay my cable bill? Did I? Should I disconnect? Should I just get YouTube? Should I just do that? That $40 bundle?

It's like a great deal. It's probably... Just that long monologue on the way to the ground. I just wanted to end with... Motherf-fuck! Yeah. Did they really turn me into a legend to get Samuel L. Jackson to play me just so some like old creepy dude could, like, lightning blast me out of this window? I have a purple lightsaber.

I deserve better than that.