Shutdown Fullcast - The Swedish Yule Goat Arson Story Hour

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Lotta sniffles in this episode folks! Hope you and yours are holding up better than we are On the anniversary of Spencer revealing he thinks reindeer are some sort of dog, we have just about got him convinced sharks are mammals A rare appearance by our producer, Surber, with thrilling results  An extended bedtime story to remind our readers of the true reason for the season: goat festival crimes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This podcast is sponsored by Ramp. Are you the decision maker in your company? Consider this. For the first time in decades, there's a better option for a corporate card and spend management platform. Meet Ramp. The only corporate card and spend management system

designed to help you spend less money so you can make more. With Ramp, you get full visibility into your company spending and control who spends what with each vendor. Ramp's software collects and verifies receipts instantly to save your team valuable time. Ramp automates data entry

and routine tasks with automated approvals. expense categorization and bill payments, time-consuming tasks, which means you'll stop wasteful spending and close your books in hours instead of days. Businesses that use Ramp add up to 5% to their bottom line the first year. If you're a decision maker, adding Ramp could be one of the best decisions you've ever made. Get $250 when you join Ramp for free. Just go to ramp.com slash easy. Ramp.com slash easy.

Ramp.m.p.com slash easy. Currents issued by Sutton Bank and Celtic Bank members of DIC terms and condition supply. welcome to the shutdown fullcast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast i am spencer hall and i'm here to tell you um in front of witnesses jason kirk and holly anderson that auburn jesus is born he is real and all one need to do is that after Jesus was born in the town of Birmingham, then transferred to Boise.

Days of Herod the King. Herod the King here will be played by who, Jason? Bobby Louder? Is that Bobby Louder? Yeah, Bobby Louder or, well, Nick Saban. Nick Saban's Herod in the story. Herod was probably like five, six. So yeah, this checks out.

saying where is he who is born king of the Auburn Tiger Plainsman for we have seen his star in the southeast and have come to worship him his star in the SEC West sky and the SEC West sky that's right and when Bobby Ladder heard this he was troubled

and all of Opelika with him and then he gathered them all and said I'm going to send three wise men Those three wise men, Jimmy Rain, AKA, the Yellowfella, Taylor Hicks, American Idol, great, and the greatest Auburn graduate. Certainly the most, certainly the wealthiest. I can't think of any Auburn graduate wealthier than Taylor Hicks, or more representative of them in general. Or more in the cutting edge of technology. Yeah, or more, yeah, exactly.

Like, who's really more in people's pocket every single day, who's more part of their lives than Taylor Hicks? Hicks and Cecil Newton Cecil Newton the third wise men for they heard the king's orders and they departed and behold the star which they had seen in the SEC West they came and they brought gifts those gifts were mostly cash almost entirely cash and the baby low did they name him Brian harsen Auburn has hired a football coach after eight days in which oh they're not going to like that at all eight days yeah eight days and eight nights yeah oh goodness biblically speaking eight days is the symbol of a world that has begun anew so this can work six six is six is the measure of the job seven is the day in which you

admire the job reflect on the job and then eight is when the new job begins Yeah, I remember this. I do like, by the way, that that even God, like, watched a Homer. Like, the God on the seventh day was like, bat flip. Oh, yeah. Like, what did he do at the end of each creation? He made light, and he was like, man, I put my foot in that one. That's, that's some good light right there.

This is actually why God created man, because he was tired. of being like good job me yeah i what i keep putting up my hand for a high five and i have no hand to touch it god the highest five of them all am all right only two chains can only two chains as he has as is canon only two chains can dab god remember things two chains is done he has shouted out a stove that's something he's actually done shouted out a stove nobody else has ever done that he has worn pajamas to Ruth Chris, and he has gotten so high that he and God have dapped.

I get distracted for a second, and I was like, God wore pajamas to Ruth Chris? Yes. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you if you were God? That's an excellent point. I would have, I would on the seventh day, because on those six days, I'm just like working.

I'm just doing amazing stuff. Oh, I feel like we're probably missing a speech from Conway somewhere, Kanye somewhere that we probably should have already heard on the biblical origins of Aspleasure. that's when you want to do stuff but also be comfortable with who you are yeah i like this i wouldn't go that far but over the last eight days that extremely biblical measure appropriately so there have been many false proclaimers there have been many people in the obrad job search who have been mentioned but we're not in fact the true form of obar jesus on

this planet which has now been revealed to be former now former boise state coach brian harsen uh jason one of those people one of those people was initially kevin steel the defensive coordinator who uh who has uh remains close to the situation there in uh in in in in in beth la birmingham sure in case you wonder how that's going to go uh auburn jesus like the form of the Trinity might have several forms. It might be Brian Harsen. It might be Brian Harsen and Kevin Steele. Let's remember this.

Jesus saw Judas coming from a long way off, right? Jesus looked Judas in the eye and said, man, get this shit over with. That is what happens when you walk in. Kevin Steele is still on your coaching staff, right? Was Jesus the original Urukai? Ooh. Now that makes the Lord of the Rings

a much more interesting story. Also, Jesus had great traps. Amazing traps. All the way up to the neck, man. Trap King. Trap King. Wow. Urukai Trap game.

Flawless. But yeah. Kevin Steele, a leading candidate. He's now currently likely the defensive coordinator along with the rest of that staff, including Rodney Garner. Is that something that might be interesting to watch? No, I'm sure. That'll be totally.

fine there'll be no friction whatsoever none additionally who else was associated with this job billy napier of louisiana lafayette who allegedly turned the job down maybe because he knew he would get there kevin steel would be sitting there a guy who was considered for the head coaching job who else was considered for this job bill clark bill clark of uab the man Bill Clark was considered. Bill Clark didn't do a whole lot of considering back. Yeah. I think Bill Clark's a little too competent for this job.

This is, I need to drop the veil for just a second. That's another biblical reference because this is the absolute funniest part of all of this to me that Auburn went through all of this bullshit without ever apparently considering the fact that Bill Clark turning them down was going to get out. like that's not like he's going to talk Steve Sarkesian Steve Sarkisian also Sark? Yeah I can't say the actual thing but I really want people to know about this. Sarkisian

Sark are the covenant if we're trying to stick to the theme but they didn't they did not get a covenant with Sark No I'm just going to say it here because I think everyone will think it's funny and then we can cut it out later Sark. Anyway, we could just bleep that. We could bleep that out. I just needed everyone to enjoy that for a minute.

Because I sure did. Other candidates mentioned for this. Brent Venables, speaking of guys who probably went back and said, Hey, Brent Venables mentioned because it's a open college football coaching job. Mm-hmm.

Also, you know what Brent Venables would have done? He'd walked in to go, you know what? I'm the defensive coordinator and they have said that's cool can you use another defensive coordinator we have one in the form of Kevin Steele

did Brett Venables not replace Kevin Steele at a at Clemson yeah wait a second how'd that go seeing as that was the entire reason glimson is now Clemson think about how

if he just walked in that door Kevin Steele's still sitting there and he's like I can't walk into a new building without your ass being there I can't like it's just How does this keep happening? Tony Elliott, Tony Elliott,

co-offensive coordinator and highly touted and respected assistant on the Clemson staff. Also, you know, allegedly considered for the job, but Tony Elliott, not being dumb, decided to just, you know, decline any potential interest in the job. And because Kevin Steele is probably going to be there. It's probably not something a young coach

on his first head coaching gig wants to deal with. I'm going to make a proposal. Clemson and Auburn, their inextricably linked history. I can never remember which one stole what from whom, but there's like varying transactions there. What if we say Auburn, when they have a head coaching vacancy,

they can only hire Clemson assistance and vice versa. What if we just say that forever? The two of you, you are a... Oh, we're setting up a feedback loop. Yeah. So many ballots. Also, that's really making our job easier because we can say,

well, it's include all of these people. These 10 guys. Yeah, it's got to be these 10. Like, you have to alternate too. Like, well, he's on an Auburn rotation, but he'll be over here on a Clemson rotation in a minute. Then it can go back to Auburn.

You wouldn't even have to change anything. I feel like in Auburn and Clemson, they're so similar that I don't even have to change directions on how to get to, like, the grocery store. You just flip everything, right? Like, well, you hang a right and a left and a left. It's probably a left right and a left in Clemson. they just copied and pasted the whole town and clicked like flip horizontal and that's it

they just clip flip horizontal on Photoshop no it no it'll notice yeah like if you if you bought a game of Sim City and the only two maps were Clemson and Auburn you'd feel so cheated you would just feel like you guys didn't even try no we didn't really didn't build the Auburn archaeology I'm going to get Auburn oh god this is getting this is getting this is getting to my favorite moment in this coaching search and it happened about an hour and a half before they hired Harson

and it was this about three hours actually looking at the timestamp who was mentioned as a person of interest in the coaching search three hours before they announced the hire Brian Harsson

Hugh Freeze! I feel like that's the moment when somebody says all right enough of this shit i have had it i have had i'm going to turn this car around and you know where we're going to go you know we're going i was going to take you to mcdonalds now we're going to idaho now we're going to idaho but before that i'm going to scare you with this the i'll send

you to military school if you don't straighten up the like oh you don't want to see me go back to the old me kind of thing right like how desperate has it gotten oh dad said don't make me call you freeze and somebody leaked that that is now the key to resolving a coaching search in under three hours and getting everyone on the same page as having somebody leak hey man we expressed interest in hugh freeze like okay god let's find a solid candidate the words hue freeze and leak being so close to each other it's getting a little uncomfortable unfortunate that was the thing that was the thing that scared everyone straight like Auburn's boosters might have been wrangling

and tussling and hollering and all on different pages and all fighting and somebody said you know what watch this shit they called a reporter and they're like we're looking at Hugh Freeze all of a sudden everybody's like time to sober up time sober up time to

time to just get this thing done and hire somebody who can do the job somebody who all of their clothes really kind of already match Auburn's colors anyway. Do you, so you remember 7, 8, 9 years ago when Arkansas State had that streak of three coaches in three years? Mm-hmm. One was Gus Malzahn, recently fired by Auburn.

One was Brian Harsen, recently hired by Auburn. The other was Hugh Freeze, who was apparently almost hired by Auburn. I actually forgot that Hugh Freeze was in that lineage. This was also four straight GoDaddy Bowls amongst this as well. They went so daddy. No one has went to more daddy. They had four different daddies for this run. They did.

I think Auburn should just start making contributions to Arkansas State to stash a coach there just for this event, right? Just for, hey, we lost a coach. Had to fire one. Well, just go pick up the one in Jonesboro. That's fine. Trooper Taylor's at Duke. I thought he was there. He's now at Duke.

Yeah, he's at Duke. Oh, that's fantastic. But he was at Arkansas State. Yeah, I was kind of hoping that he would get some looks for the Auburn job, but apparently that didn't happen. And I'm personally sad about that. It's just twirling a sad towel in his backyard by himself. Just crying into $200,000 in a duffel bag.

Sorry, $20,000 in a duffel bag. I draw my kids with this and it makes me feel that. Yes, because it's Duke. It's Duke, so it's Coach K. like coach k's uh pocket change you know just shook his couch out into they had the ga's clean out the console in his car they said they could recruit with whatever money was left where'd you find that oh man i just leave stuff all over the place don't i got a pen can i keep the pen and he just takes the pen back without a word it's for closers can't have it i don't understand that reference

The other thing in this that is amazing to me Before we ever discuss Brian Harsen is this Kevin Steele is the defensive coordinator there He is really well liked by the old guard of good old boys at Auburn Because He is old He's old and he's definitely I was just thinking about everything they have in common that's all

He's definitely like a good old boy he's definitely he definitely from dylan south carolina he sounds the part he's a defensive coach you know so he he does the like how'd they do this year um they were okay okay okay they weren't todd grantham good oh it's future michigan defensive coordinator todd grantham my own brain down into my nose is that even possible not for todd granthum it'd have to be something to snort the like everybody really likes him and they liked the way that side of the ball worked and the problem that wasn't really the problem for auburn was the offense and so the idea

in theory was to see if we could get kevin who everyone likes and just keep that working not mess with the recruiting and find an offensive fix that was that's not the only part of no it's not the only part kevin just as also has this coming which is Kevin is working on a pension and Kevin needs like Kevin's on the Bill Clark plan yes Kevin is trying to get that Alabama state pension before retirement which respect yes respect to this we are not dissing this at all right and my favorite thing about this I'm not even jealous of people who might get to retire something day.

No, like, that's like... I'm aware that I don't deserve it. Because Kevin... Because Alabama, if football coaches in Alabama are retiring, that's more jobs that are available for us at the age of 95. Yeah, see? We can go coach UAB when we're, when we're 104. Folks, we're going to get the band back together and we're going to go revamp Miami again.

Going to do it. The U is back. They will have gotten respectable again by then, and they'll need us. Kevin Steele back in 2016, all right, and this is, I respect the man's commitment to the bit, all right? Because back in 2016, and the Montgomery advertiser reported that, yeah, he had four years of 10 years of state employee after working in two different stints, and he just needed six more years back in 2016, okay? We've got to get to Kevin Steele that state pension, right? I respect so much that a lot of the, like, there was a massive holdup in this and that there was a huge speed bump because Kevin Steele's pension quest was the video game that he would not turn off. That's why Bill Clark still at UAB.

It's the same thing. That's why, that's one of the primary reasons he stayed at UAB through the rebuild. Because at the time, I believe he was only like three years or something removed from his own state pension deal. Yeah. That's what kept him there for so long. Pension quest. That's why Nick Saban didn't take the Nebraska job. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the only reason. Yeah, that's it. Otherwise, same job. Same job. Like, even same colors. Think about it. Speaking of Nebraska, as a Tennessee fan, I'm feeling a little mad about this. I know that's a new experience for all Tennessee fans,

but Auburn dicked around for much less time than we did. And they got a better coach out of this. That's the thing. They did everything wrong and they ended up with a good coach. I know, like Auburn accidentally fucked around and made a good hire, and I'm kind of mad about it. Well, here's what they did. They went back to the Wellspring.

They went back to Arkansas State. So Tennessee, the next time you're in the market, all you have to do is go to Arkansas State. They got this new guy. They got this new guy. Wait a goddamn second, Jason. He's been coached up by Nick Sabin. He's learned how to coach really well. maybe maybe i don't know maybe give him a look in two years when pruitt's gone i gave him two years

that's a lot that's a long time yeah we're already like six months overdue from my prediction three months overdue from my prediction of full more pulling of barry alvarez he's making me look stupid because i need help in that department maybe he's maybe he's like just waiting to do the most barry alvarez ever like the biggest the most dramatic Fire him in February and be like, oh, we can't find a coach, it's late, fuck, and he ends up coaching in 2021. Yeah.

Yeah. Would the most dramatic Barry Alva Reds Bear Alvarez be walking into Wisconsin? Firing in the middle of a bowl game? That or walking into Wisconsin's bowl game and taking over for Paul Christ while wearing a Tennessee hat. Yeah, that would be it.

That did it. This is, and we say like they accidentally ended up with a good coach. They did. I'm not making fun of the end result of this at all. I went back and looked.

This is the most experienced and successful coach that Auburn has hired. I stopped at 1950. He has more experience and more success leading up to this job than Pat Dye had

than Shug Jarden had. He literally has more experience. More than John. Heisman had before taking the Auburn job. Yeah. John Heisman coached at Auburn? Yeah.

Oberlin and Buckdell. Folks, my name is Stephen Godfrey. God, how do you coach Oberlin kids to play football? Like, what's my motivation? Oh, apparently Buckdell is now Akron. John Heisman coached at Akron. Why would you change your name from Buckdell to Akron? That's such a downgrade.

The buckdell zips. The buctal zips the buckdell fighting kangaroos oh it's even better uh they uh it looks like there might have been a year crossover where they were the bucktel zippers thank you wow thank you for the beauty of this moment so like he's more the Akron zips their name used to be way weirder imagine that that's um that's absolutely bizarre also the name recognition of Buckdell, presumably not being as well-known as Akron. I'm like, that's really overestimating Akron's name. The world knows Akron's name. Somebody at one point in history has said that.

The world knows Akron's name. And everyone in the room kind of had to go, but really, like, more, he's more qualified and has more experience than Tommy Bowden had at this point. he's got more experience than Gene Chisick had certainly and definitely more success and more than Gus in terms of being a head coach

like seven seasons at Boise tons of success there a lofty pedigree as a coordinator before that and he's 44 that's it Auburn

like he's pretty accomplished for being only one year older than you I know it's amazing now like i'm at the age where you're like oh boy i feel bad that guys then again he had to live in beautiful boise i know boise is beautiful boise is great i i don't actually understand why you would give up boise to go live in auburn sorry yeah i just said it out loud and it feels wrong sorry all that does that is a downgrade auburn is uh alvern and boise are a lot alike no they're not you can fish in the middle of both cities okay

I mean, one in the septic tank, and then two in the middle of a beautiful river that runs in the middle of town. A babbling alpine brook. Beautiful. And then there's Auburn, where you can wash out some of the bars with a hose, literally, because they have a drain in the back.

The supper club. That bars everywhere. No, I mean, like, it's a huge, terrifying grate that I'm pretty sure several Auburn students have probably fallen into when they wash out the supper club. They got Auburn super club. people

alligators in the sewers that's their fourth mascot that's it or the sewer people of obelika who live down there who just have given up on the light and those are the real bag men the under the plains men the under the planes there we go um the only thing i don't know about harsen is this um is he right with the lord to see with the lord that's important i need you to be i need you to be cheap by jowl with the maker himself before i feel totally comfortable turning the auburn family over to your your caretaking yeah does the a that's all you give your testimony does the does the often ad like want to get down on one knee and pray with you yeah because that's a public now it's a public university i imagine there's some kind of dodge

where they're like, we've got to go do this on private property. Here, let's go to the Waffle House. Wait, let's go to this patch of my office that is being leased by a local businessman. There we can do. Actually, I think it's the Waffle House inside the A.D.'s office. Yeah. Which is a special deeded, like, Republic, right? Here, this is actually the Republic of, this is the Yellowwood Republic.

And it's, you can see it's demarcated by this border of arsenic treated. pressurized wood and inside is a tiny waffle house and in there you give your testimony to auburn jesus and we ask you if you accept your lord and savior beau jackson and you do you do you do you do you go ahead and and give yourself to all the saints cadillac ronnie brown tequillo spikes all of them and and you say yes yes i do he had to do that at least i hope he did because I need Auburn. It's very important, of course, that all of us find some sort of spiritual solace

and home and center in this universe. But if you're the Auburn football coach, you're going to have to be close to Jesus. I need that. I'm not even like a Christian, and I need the Auburn football coach to be that, just so things are right in this world. Yeah.

I like your version of Auburn, and I also like your version of religion. Yeah. The idea of how saints work in this religion is fascinating, Spencer. for ye with the thick necks we give you tekeo the thickest mightiest neck neck of all yeah patron patron saint of shrugs patron of neck like a water main tekeo spikes one of the most terrifying moments i ever had on twitter by the way was tekeo spikes favorting a tweet about his how thick his neck was i was like man tekeo spikes got like a massively thick neck And it was like, this has been seen by Tequio Spikes. Oh, no. Were you respectful?

I was immensely respectful. Then we don't have a problem, do we? Apparently we don't. Remember Tekeo Spikes and a trial of a man who took money from a lot of football players, including Tkeo Spikes, got up on the stand and basically said he'd like to beat his ass in a court of law. that's when you ask to be sent to jail that's for your own protection I'd like to plead extremely guilty your honor your honor I did that shit

are there any crimes that I can pick up to extend my stay that nobody has claimed I would like to take several of those but yeah congrats Auburn you actually accidentally made a decent hire of course we said that about Justin Twente good luck Bri

Speaking of places Gus Malzahn might end up They could do a lot worse It would fit They could do a lot worse I remain pro Gus Malzahn in most things That man likes hills and trees That's all you need right And talking real fast

As far as I know his only hobby is driving his boat You know who else like to drive a boat Bud Foster. There we go. Sold. Apparently he's a VT man through and through. Wait, is that job not opening? I know this isn't split zone.

Is that job not opening this year? I thought for sure it would. I do not know. That is the official. Hmm. I do not know. But they beat Virginia. And it takes a, if you beat Virginia,

you got to hang on to that guy. The only reason I thought of that is because we're going, oh, hey, good job, Auburn. And I feel like. the Virginia Tech situation has cured me forever of going, hey, good hire. Yeah, because I thought that was going to work. Because that still should know. It's not just that we thought it should have worked.

It should have worked, and we don't know why. Yeah, I think I'm on like year one or two or something like that of just the coaching hire. Okay, acknowledged. What's my opinion of it? Yep, I recognize that it happened. You know, like, is it going to work? 50, 50. Who could say?

Jason, was it Fuente who did that for you or was it another situation? It was Mac Brown because I was convinced. Oh, God, that's a great point. Yeah, because I was convinced this is just over at Mac Brown coming back for, you know, a lifetime achievement, like, you know, he was going to be the lame duck Texas Mac Brown. But no, he got him a quarterback. And once you get a quarterback, you look like a really good coach. So, yeah, you never knew who.

i get a quarterback i don't actually care enough to pull up uh north carolina scheduled this year but there was a game this year that godfrey and i both just went oh man miami's just going to come in there and wreck unc i cannot it's stuck in my head because i cannot remember being so wrong about an individual game yeah anytime recently uh consider this not like they lost a notre dame and at the time i thought oh unc hasn't got it okay notre dame is a playoff team for giving value playoff team whatever that's that's that's that's a team with one loss that is technically true who beat clemson in the regular season not going to provide any further context on that because it undermines my case and then we don't have to say that part out loud and then i will always say that part out loud

uncc they went and just beat miami's ass 62 26 they palindromed them yeah godfrey brought that up like three split zones in a row because i think it shook him to his very core we we might have to have a long off season talk about how we are all processing this this back brown glow up in the game where they had they had like two guys who ran for 900 yards each in that game roughly yes yeah roughly like i think they both reached a thousand yards in the season on that game alone and respectfully what the fuck yeah that man's that man's 69 years old he's still mad not to oh right spell in the in the middle of this episode about jesus but by whose authority does macbrown do to these things.

This was, so that was, I don't even think we talked about that game on here, maybe we did, who knows, I never remember anything we've talked about or not, but Manny Diaz, head coach in Miami. Oh, surrendered the most rushing yards in Miami history in that game, right?

The last time, Manny Diaz and school record rushing yards surrendered, that was, that was under Mack Brown's tutelage at Texas to Taysam Hill. So Mac versus Mani, when you put those two together, you're gonna get some big, big gallops. down the field. 2,000 yard rushers.

A really good offense. That man turned 70 next year. He's still angry. He's still angry enough to coach football. He got some good plastic surgery too. Did he? Yeah. I mean, it's not great. But for a coach, it's real good.

That's, you know what? Whatever helps. He's just all about competitive edges, man. Do you think Texas didn't fire Tom Herman? Because they're like, I don't know Mac Brown would say yes. Texas is just like working up the nerve to go ask Mac Brown to go out again.

I'm sorry, baby. I almost sang that same Taylor's song for the second show in a row. I want you to just please come home. I don't know. Is Mac ready to make a, is Mac ready to make a downward move from the ACC to the Big 12. Ow. I mean, the ACC does have a, does have a playoff team this year, don't they?

Two. Two. That is my point. Yeah, you're correct. That is the prestige conference at the moment. What about the bottom of the conference? Never mind. It's the ocean.

It's the Atlantic. We don't know what's at the bottom. You only need to see the top. All manner of enemies. No, we went over this last week. The top of the sea, that's the good part. of the sea that means you fucked up yeah what's at the top great whites just the nature's most terrifying predators is that where they put those they swim to some depth that you should just

precious just the metaphor roll with that okay what's at the top seagulls yes floating seagulls the most dangerous predators yes noted for spending a lot of time in the shallow waters on top of it the great white shark and the seagulls who sit on the water yeah wait it's got to be coming up on the anniversary of this question since we never figured out what reindeer are in spencer's brain spencer what do you think a shark is it's um it's it's like a it's like a dolphin is like a shark with a graduate degree okay so a shark is a mammal is that your contention no not necessarily but it could what do you mean not necessarily it could be if it applied it's if it applied itself it could be a dolphin that's transubstantiation yeah because i you know what shark

that whole like moving all the time thing like that's hustling backwards you need to find a way to not do that no man they're hustling to stay still hmm look I'm sorry you're too weak for the rising grind culture they don't even have to rise because they never stop grinding float and grind float and grind that's yeah that's what that's what I think sharks are a really good way of you to get out of answering that you don't know if sharks are mammals I think they could be I just don't think they apply themselves properly, you know, and who's, and frankly, to my point, what animal preys on sharks that is not man? That's right, dolphins.

Not seagulls? Seagulls have guns. They really don't need to prey, and if you don't give seagulls any trouble, they won't give you any trouble, but, you know, they do have that thing on them, and they're not afraid to use it. So they're Philadelphians. Goalbirds Yes Yeah the cheer is actually

gullbirds It has been bastardized over the years Into a mere eagle Eagle Oh wow What The Philadelphia Seagles

I did it We got there good night everybody i do we got more show we do we do have more show we do have more show we do have more show um i do want to plant the seed that that i think we do need to talk about how i think michigan the problem with jim harbaugh in michigan is that he doesn't have enough passion it's clearly the problem that they don't have enough energy and they don't have enough passion but that's planting a seed for

what i want to talk about next a seed that could grow into something more Something larger, Jason? Acorns.com where you can download the country's leading and saving and investing app with Offer Code Fulcast to claim your $5 bonus when you sign up takes just a couple minutes

to start saving and investing money. Longtime listeners know that I began my humble Acorns account with that mere $5. It is now $81.73. And I haven't done shit. I just look at it during the podcast each week. All that happened,

happens is when we spend money, nickels and dimes go into this thing, and then it goes out into the investment market machine, where I'm making investments all day long, and the number just keeps going up. I'm going to retire before age 104. I'm going to take the UAB job just for fun. I won't even need it, because I'll have acorns. Acorns.com slash fullcasts Spencer, have you made acorns yet? I need to do that. I just, I want to It's not that I want to see what happens or that I want to track your progress against Jay Asans.

It's just that from an anthropological standpoint, I am curious to see what this does to you. I'm sure it will make me... And what you do to it. I'm sure it will make me wealthy beyond my wildest. dreams i'm sure it will give me the financial security that'll help me sleep a little bit better at night which means i'll be practically comatose all right fair enough because i already sleep like a bear and by that i mean i crawl into a hole in the ground and i come out five months later

and breathe once a minute mish i know uh this is the longest i've ever gone probably since his hiring without thinking about Jim Harbaugh. And I guess I've got that to say for 2020. Well, they fired Don Brown, and that means they need a defensive coordinator, Don Brown, who maybe the last

defensive coordinator I know with the mustache. Like, I think the mustachio defensive coordinator. Is Chavis still kicking around, sir? I do not believe John Chavis is currently coaching. Okay. At least at least anywhere that we have.

to be concerned about yeah even then he went to a goatee he did and that's when he lost his powers and i think everybody needs to remember that yeah he moved away from the warrior aesthetic and his warrior spirit deserted him you can't spell warrior without wario remember it embrace it make it a part of your life but i think i think what michigan clearly needs is they need more passion and they need more enthusiasm. And I think that really only leaves one real answer, okay? Maybe with an alternate, but I think Michigan needs Will Must Champ to coach their defense. Because who can you think of who's a better match for the cerebral yet committed brand of Michigan football?

You really need Ryan to make retching noises in the background for this joke to properly landed. He's not here. Yeah. Will Mustchamp in Ann Arbor, of all places. Imagine that. The Poet Warriors of Michigan football with a man who uses headbutts as a form of communication. It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect. I'm now wondering if you don't dislike Will Mustchamp because you're two alike.

That's definitely the problem with Will Mustchamp and I. I just meant the headbutts thing. The headbutts thing? I mean, mine are. Mine is a complex, layered form of communication with many subtleties. Will Mustchamp might only communicate through headbutts. This requires further study. But I really think it's probably time to go ahead and explore that.

Also, Todd Grantham's available. Is he? In theory, can you... Like emotionally? No, he's cold and distant. You wouldn't expect that. We definitely always know what that dude is thinking. Yeah, he's, he's far too available, right?

Yeah, he's just out there, man. You can read it, like, can read his face like a book, like a really short, like a really stupid book. Like a really stupid book. Hillbilly elegy, the face. It's just the secret by Todd Grantham. Blitz! Oh my God, do y'all think James,

do y'all think Jim Harbaugh has read the Celesteem prophecy? yes yes he's totally read if i know there's somebody listening to this show who has a way to ask him about that please do yeah you don't even have to publish it just tell me if you name it like the motivational book or is jim harbour one of those guys who's only read five books and they're all the best book in the world according to him like he read like everything i needed to learn everything i really needed to know i learned in kindergarten and like he's like don't need to read another book for 10 years. Then you read like,

The Art of War. Yeah. That was absolutely number two. The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu. Yeah.

That's an awkward moment for a Michigan grad, by the way, when he mispronounces Sun Tzu. And he's like, do I correct him? No. Oh, I never thought about that. Must correct. That must be extremely painful.

Oh. that's it when people pass out around jim harbots because he mispronounced uh the name the author of an important work of literature but they don't want to correct him the bind but yeah you can also take todd grantham that would be fine Todd grantham who my favorite thing if you want to know everything about a Todd grantham defense go look it up they led the SEC and sacks this year you know where they finished in every other defensive category middle of the road baby middle of the road or lower that's it what did you do we got sacks what did it do for you nothing did nothing got nothing out of it ended up being average in the advanced stats associated with s ampersand p plus my favorite

florida stat is a defensive passing down's success rate as in how often on third and long basically how often in third long did you prevent them from getting necessary yards Florida ranks number 112. Out of how many? Oh, excuse me. This is funny. This is really funny. I tried to click on Florida, and I clicked on Maryland.

It's much better. It's much better. It's number 73. That's still really great for Florida. 73. So in the spreadsheet, Maryland is directly below Florida. I was like, in my head, I was like, in my head, I was like, shit, this is way worse than I remember it being. that's the equivalent of on third down just like take it like if you're just lined up on third down

you're like don't snap the ball just take it here 10 yards just go ahead and take it no no no no what I'd rather do is I'd rather blitz somebody from 40 yards away and see if they get there ow my pittard home field apparel home field apparel home field apparel I'm wearing a western Kentucky hoodie right now I'm wearing it over another hoodie just trying to be as Midwestern as possible. Yeah, Homefield apparel. Hey, man, we try to tell y'all, get your Christmas time. Homefield apparel orders in early. Get them in as early as possible. Homefield's working as hard as they can. Get those orders out the door. Might not be there by Christmas. But they're

going to do their best, all right? A lot of us might not be there by Christmas. Nothing's going to be there by Christmas. So, it'll get there. Get there when it gets there. me and Spencer in the warehouse working as hard as we can we are that's what we do now we work for home field Connor's honestly the best boss we've ever had that's a little hard to clear true the the africode is still forecast if by chance you have not yet made your purchase and now's as good a time as any to get in even though it's not going to arrive by Christmas that's fine it will arrive you're going to need clothes in the future by the way I was asked to endorse or to recommend several you know of my favorites for this and i've decided that uh this week my favorite

home field product is the san diego state university aztecs line which has some absolutely boss ass 70s and 80s retro logos uh holly has one it is amazing uh they all look absolutely fantastic also if you wear one around you won't be confused for somebody who can't party Because, you know, SGS you, bro. You know how to get down. Now we're done. Merry Christmas, San Diego. Merry Christmas, San Diego.

I wanted to see if we could ask an important question of our producer, Michael Serber. Oh, sorry. I was listening. What? Serbs. I'm here. Serbs up. Because I was going to ask everyone what they did for Christmas.

And in pre-show, we discovered something. about Serber that I think we really need to discuss and it's this a nation awaits for us for many Santa is the pleasant side of Christmas the down side the dark side the punitive side of Christmas is crampus the German anti-santa Claus anti-claws yes the anti-clos we've proposed the Santa Claus and the anti-clause anti-fa-la-la-la-la-la of crampus I hate myself and crampus is like

kind of a fun and distant joke for many people unless unless he was very real for you server you grew up in a house where crampus was not a joke

no no he was a very real part of my childhood and how my parents got me to behave most normal parents you know they tell you hey Santa's watching you don't want to be

on the naughty little list and the reason you don't want to be on the naughty list is because you might get a lump of coal put in your stocking. I didn't want to be on the naughty list because there was this giant man that was going to come put me in a burlap sack with me with reeds and take me to the south pole. I don't know exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to take me to the south pole, not the North Pole. There were no elves, just demons. And I was thinking, because we talked about this, so I've been thinking about it the whole the whole taping when my parents and notably my mom my grandmother introduced this tradition to me and I can't remember which means it was always

there so I'm thinking my first memories are like around the time I was two so I'm assuming from at least like one and a half on I knew that that like someone was going to kidnap me from my home if I didn't obey my parents um at Christmas And it was horrifying. Like my uncle would go out onto the back porch to get me to go to bed Christmas Eve night. My uncle would go out on the back porch and like drag like a chain around. And they'd be like, hey, hey, Mikey Crumpus is, uh, crumpus is coming.

Like, I think he's checking the house out to see if there's any. You should go to bed. like because that's what you need to do so santa can come and what they really want to do is they just wanted to like play poker um or whatever they did christmas night but what they definitely did was scare the shit out of me with this crumpus thing and the i don't i mean it was bad for me but my my uncle had stepkids and he got like he introduced these perfectly normal children to the crumpus who had they didn't they never needed to know like they were fine they were seven they liked christmas um and he was like no no no we can't we can't have you liking christmas you need to you need to understand that you will be kidnapped if you don't behave yeah um well did it work and and and and if well yeah totally worked and and and and and if well yeah totally worked and and and and i'm not a parent yet but when i am i'm 100% going to use it i like that you spent the last five minutes talking about what a trauma this was

you're like yep signing up um yeah server when when that happy occasion comes and you need someone to drag a chain across the outside windows of your child's house say the word man this sounds fun as shit daddy wants to get drunk and play poker with his cousins you need to go to bed get out the chain you know we got to try this right yeah we got to try this because we we have had we have had an elf related mishap in this house this week no i couldn't actually we could not try this because oh come on no no no what come on because one of your kids would go like try to try to like fight it or like inspect it or something right like one of your kids would be one you know we discovered that this week so so there's the fighting one right mm-hmm and there's the other one

and the other one the older one is not the issue here No. It is the younger one, the head budding, fight everything, bite everything one, and who has apparently been nurturing a lifelong fear of elves that we were not aware of. Okay, if you tell the younger child that something is real, and you assume that this is a whimsical play that both of you are in, that is not the case this is it well it is if he's directing it because this is a kid who will run up to you and say I'm a space man because you know is a small child but then the tooth fairy came along and he really thought I had to text the tooth fairy because I explained that the tooth fairy was someone who came to your house took your teeth and left money and he said that's terrifying I don't want that

to which i had to go ahead and honestly reply no that's that's totally valid this guy's gonna come to your house and take teeth and leave cash for some reason you think the tooth fairy's a dude um i don't know the tooth fairy's preferred pronouns i really shouldn't assume okay that no that's fair yeah i shouldn't assume either that's fair so they i will go with the they um the tooth fairy is a terrifying idea so i had to you know you can send a text to any number or any name like if you just put tooth fairy you can just send a text it's not going to go anywhere so i that's what you think that's true that's where the trouble began tooth fairies on the other end like damn it mark down the tooth budget one not getting any of his um so anyway um i had to text the tooth fairy and say please don't come to our

house. Anyway, so day before yesterday, another child in our quarantine bubble came to the front door of my house where we were working and the children were Zoom schooling. And she, her mom had dropped her off for this exact purpose. She ran up the front step. She was dressed in a very cute little elf outfit and a Santa hat. And she left a... little package on the front steps of cookies and hot chocolate for her friends Spencer's children and she waved and she went and we said okay shh and she ran away and the boys did not see her and they came out as we were picking up the cookies and hot chocolate and coming inside and me being a reasonably christmassy adult said oh look boys an elf came and left you guys some surprises child one oh that's so nice belligerent fighty child complete and utter meltdown elves aren't real it wasn't an elf no no well that gave way very rapidly to uh being extremely upset that the idea that we had let an elf near the front door of the house like we this was a security failure on our

part like I'm supposed to stay strapped in case an elf comes around yes and deal with the problem myself this also led at one point to when I said an elf left them to because I thought we were still playing like ha ha ha this led to the child pointing at me tearfully and going she's lying wow how long did this take to talk down 45 minutes about 45 minutes well where are we standing now like are we okay with elves now or no no no No, oh no. No, situation has not improved. No.

Give that kid a little crumpus and, uh, and, uh, and get that down about five, 10 minutes. See, okay, see, this is why I said I wanted to try this because you might feel sorry for this. You might feel sorry for this situation now, but when, uh, attempts have been made by adults in the quarantine bubble to broach the, you better watch out or Santa won't bring you any presents. He looks at you flat eyed and he goes, that's a myth. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, he's, he's real hard until you put something with pointy ears in his line of vision, and then he just goes completely to pieces. I do not think.

I really want to try the crampus thing now. I, I will, I will have a serious issue with anybody who tries to tell him about crampus or that he's real. We will fight. All right, that's fine. We will fight. I can take you. Because that, that is 12 hours of upset. I'm going to deal with, with 12 hours.

And I'm going to get him. Spencer's Twitch on Christmas Day. Just screaming. What are you playing? I'm playing bad parent. Watch it happen. Yeah. We're not telling the kid about Cranpus because he...

We might not be. No, I'm going to peel them off the ceiling. That's what I'll have to do. Yeah, that's the other problem. It was extremely funny. You want to see like a seven-year-old holding a knife going, I'm waiting. I'm waiting, Cranpus.

I'm waiting for you. You see, you can see saying this. why it was hard to take him seriously in the moment uh-huh no it's dead serious that was that was not happening i do like the idea by the way that crampus beat you with sticks not just oh i'm gonna i'm sorry reads he had tiny little whips of nature and he just beat your ass like that's not i love switches i love that that's so not like ooh-hoo-hoo i'll abduct you to a naughty island of bad children no he's like no i'm gonna come beat your ass crampus is just that's all he does crampus is just doing his job man crampus just spends all crat like i don't hate this at all like crampus is just doing he's doing a planet wide beat down the entire length of the christmas holiday i think that's that's a more impressive i know the logistics there's every year that we could relate to this yeah like the logistics of giving a gift to all of the children in the world who deserve them yeah that's that's impressive in theory for santa but the sheer physical

prowess and the determination and the endurance the stamina required to just i know crampus can probably beat up one kid but he literally takes on the like how many kidnarders could you fight crampus the answer is all of them so we have a reader question yes to get to and the reader question is from one stephanie phillips And Steph Phillips has this to ask of us. I think you guys should read this. Always a good start. All right. I've been selected for this mission because I have previously spent some time in the country in question.

I want to know if you fellas have ever heard of the Swedish Yule Goat. I'm interested. all right this is our favorite thing to read step was wise to bring this to us it is a wikipedia page about the gevla goat or the swedish yule goat the gevla goat is a it's a burning man type situation but it's swedish and it's a it's a holiday thing by which i mean it is a large object uh that is constructed over Christmas that is frequently set on fire. The thing is it's not supposed to be set on fire. Here's the introduction. The Gavla goat is a traditional Christmas display erected annually at Castle Square in central Gavla Sweden. It is a giant version of a traditional Swedish yule goat

figure made of straw. So in Sweden, Santa Claus is like has a goat, right? Yeah. Anyway, Santa Claus has a goat that carries all the packages. It is erected each year by local community groups at the beginning of Advent. It has been the subject of repeated arson attacks, and despite security measures and the nearby presence of a fire station, the goat has been burned to the ground most years since its first appearance in 1966. As of December 2019, the goat has been damaged 37 times.

Burning the goat is illegal, and the court of appeal stated that the offense should normally carry a three-month prison sentence for aggravated property damage okay so I'm going to skip to the it has a list of there's a chart at the bottom of this like you would see for a football rivalry there are many tables in this page and I'm going to two of the column headings on this table should make it obvious why this is extremely our shit thank you Steph one of these columns is security additions and one of these columns is method of destruction

I am going to read method of destruction allowed for the years oh let's start in 1970 from 1970 onward the method of destruction of the Swedish

Gevla Goat which again is not constructed with the intent of being destroyed fire smashed to pieces collapsed stolen stolen wait stone it's huge this thing is the size of a building that's my goat okay all right sorry I got to start over I get distracted

fire smashed to pieces collapsed stolen the first fire was six hours after construction it's a good six hours devil a goat smash to pieces collapsed stolen fire collapsed hit by a car

fire 1978 kicked two pieces 1979 fire slash broken this was the first year they attempted to fireproof the goat how that go fire slash broken did you see i'm sorry did you see the date of destruction was prior to assembly yes they set the pieces of the coat on fire we're pre-burning this all right we're into the 80s now uh 1980 fire 1981 1981 survived 1982 and going onward. Fire. Legs destroyed.

Fire. Fire. Fire. 1998 survived. This is also... What does survived you mean? That it made it through Advent without being burned down by fandals. I would point, by the way, I'm certain that once that once Advent ends, they then destroy it. Right? 1988? I guess.

1988 was also the first time gamblers were able to gamble on the fate of the goat with English bookmakers. I think there was some market manipulation. because notice that you got like seven straight or six straight years of destroyed including one year in 1983 that just says legs destroyed yeah so let's look at the 1989 edition which in the method of destruction column has fire slash fire it was set on fire prior to assembly financial contributions from the public were raised to rebuild the goat and the second goat was burned down in January. All right. 1990 survived with the notation the goat was guarded

by many volunteers. 1991. Fire. Also, the goat was joined by an advertising sled that turned out to be illegally built. 1992. Fire slash fire again.

After eight days and again on the 20th of December. 1993 and 1994. Two-year streak of survival. 1996 and 1997 survived and survived with damage by fireworks destroyed also in

1995 this time by a Norwegian scandal bastards 1998 it burned down during a blizzard that's the most metal shit I have ever heard I burned down the Gevla goat during a blizzard I keep thinking we've come upon the best notes in this but we keep getting better ones because there's also a

column for date of destruction. And in 1999, the notation for date of destruction is within hours. I just love that there's somebody sitting there waiting going, I'm going to burn that goat. Hang out. We're coming up upon the real reason for the season. All right.

We're into the 2000s. 2000. Fire. 2001. Fire. Notation. A visitor from Cleveland, Ohio, in the United States, was arrested for burning the goat. That guy, by the way, he was fined $100,000 Kroner, and they took his lighter in court because, and I quote, you obviously can't handle this.

Imagine going to a foreign country and they take your lighter because they're like, okay, man, child, you obviously can't. For an American, I can't think of anything more galling than like a Scandinavian court being like, you're clearly an infant. I am not. Just American. okay so 2002 attempt was made the goat received only minor injuries quoting here 2003 fire 2004 fire 2005 fire caused by unknown vandals reportedly dressed as gingerbread bin shooting flaming arrows the hunt for the arson those guys are also from Cleveland yeah the hunt for the arsonist responsible for the goat burning in 2000

2005 was featured on Sweden's Most Wanted. All right, two-year survival streak in 2006 and 2007. Oh, apparently they're not destroyed because the goat from the 2006 is now stored in a secret location, per Wikipedia. 2008. Oh, oh, these notes are like a paragraph length. Okay, let's see what we got here. 2008, fire. 10,000 people turned out for the inauguration of one of the goats. No backup goat was built to replace the main goat.

That's their first mistake. Nor was the goat treated with flame repellent. The spokesperson of the, this is a hyphenate, goat committee, said the repellent make it look ugly in previous years, like a brown terrier. They wanted a pretty goat. Anyway, in 2009 also fire, a person attempt to set the goat on fire the night of 7 December. An inaccessible attempt was made to throw the goat. into the river the weekend of 11 December then trying again without success it took one

two three four five burned to the frame even though it had a thick layer of snow on its back and this was also the first year in 2009 that the goat had two online webcams which were put out of service by a dOS attack just before the burning you know what i'm hearing in my head the whole time by the way as this is happening yeah I'm just hearing like nothing but I'm just hearing like am and amarth right the whole time I know we've been reading this for a minute but I promise you that the 2010s do not disappoint are you with me can we power through we do it all right 2010 survived on the night of December 2nd arsonist made an unsuccessful attempt to burn the natural science club's goat these goats are made by community groups on the 17th

of december a swedish news site reported that one of the guards tasked with protecting the southern merchant's goat had been offered payment to leave his post so that the goat could be stolen via helicopter wow 2011 fire 2012 fire 2013 fire 2014 despite three arson attempts survived 2015 I would like to claim 2015 because in 2015 Yes, it was destroyed by fire again, which would be routine when considering the Gevla goat. However, a 26-year-old man fleeing the scene with a singed face smelling of gasoline and holding a lighter in his hand arresting. Under questioning, he admitted to it, adding that he was drunk at the time, and in retrospect it was, and I quote, an extremely bad idea. So by claim 2015, you mean that that was you? That was me. speaking of which the 2016 goat was destroyed by an arsonist equipped with petrol just hours after oh i thought this was just hours after the arsonous 50th birthday party this is much less interesting this guy

was 21 uh it was it was replaced by a smaller goat that was then hit by a car i just imagine that's a spur of the moment thing right like oloff's just driving by and he's like do dodo do hit the goat Here's the thing, 2017, 2018, and 2019, we are seeing what I can, as far as I can tell, is the first ever three-year streak of survival. I think we should get the American military to destroy it now. I think we need to redeploy Cleveland. This is, oh no, it's in there. This is the first time ever that the goat survived more than two years in a row. So this year, then the inauguration, this year is kind of interesting.

The goat was inaugurated on November 29th. The inauguration was digital due to the pandemic. The public has been advised not to gather around the goat. The only link on C also at the bottom of this extremely long and gratifying wiki page is baby Jesus theft.