Shutdown Fullcast - The Unnecessary NFL Relocation Draft

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

These days NFL teams only move two places: to Los Angeles or away from Los Angeles (Las Vegas counts as both, just trust us). This sucks and is boring, so we are taking matters into our own hands and moving teams wherever we want using a confusing draft process with unclear rules. It's fine, it works out for everyone involved. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. It's an air horn underwater. The only college football. Why would you have an air horn underwater? Why wouldn't you? It's not called a water horn. Yeah. That's called a jet ski, right?

I think if you have an air horn underwater, it would be kind of a bind because you would be drowning and you'd want the air, but you would also be setting off an air horn. your face. Only you would necessarily be drowning while you were underwater. The rest of us can survive for a short time. So you think, I bet if you did this, dolphins would come and beat you to death. Shut the fuck up.

I've got a baby. You woke my son. Apologize to Mortimer. So like, it's the final scene in the movie. Spencer's down there. He's like repairing the bottom of the sub and he's like running low on air horns. Like every 10 seconds, he has to last one into his mouth and he's like he's like he's sent his like drone to go catch fetch more

air horns and bring them down to him right the only man who can save c lab is this party city manager no i was going to say it's a dj right like fortunately but djs have an air horn machine they don't have literal air horns wait is an air horn machine there's a there's a you can program a button but I think an authentic DJ who is going to be also a sub-repair man is going to have an actual air horn Oh, so this is Spencer and Pitbull are saving C-Lab together

See, in this, I'm saving a bus full of DJs who are feeding me air horns, right? Yeah. What is the undersea rape whistle? What? Now we're talking about dolphins again, right? I just hate when Holly makes good IP that we can't turn into a T-shirt.

Yeah, that's definitely not a T-shirt. We can't put Rape Whistle on a T-shirt? Joe Rogan's podcast has T-shirts. No, sir. You can't. We are off to a blazing start. Yeah, so I'm not going to die. Welcome to our college football podcast.

We all work at Banner Society, although I'm sure they would prefer we didn't mention that right about now. It's a Banner Society product. Who's they? It's us. Oh, I mean PAPN. We are the, we are the, we are. are not the majority of the group so we work there too we're the same as them we're we're um if if we're the supreme oh man we do have the same number of members as the supreme court

that's cool that's right but fewer women but you are you are the ruth bader ginsberg though of this group ryan is that good is that is that because everybody's like when will he die yeah brittle i was going to say he's ruth bader ginsberg that's what they call me at the bar Jesus um this we Earl Warren now there's a hell of a guy

I passed a bar exam down at the VFW hall Justice Frankfurter that's the only law I believe in so me and David Souter are ice fishing hell of a guy suitor could take a punch wouldn't believe him in a bar fight

Sandra get out of here He hits from the right and the left Don't let anyone tell you different Never trust a man with eyes as beautiful as John Roberts I learned that in Vietnam Speaking of American institutions We were on a cruise I didn't fight in the war I don't want a court that swings left or right

I want it straight up the gut Bound Horrible And also at best finishing third in its division Imagine Michigan radio calling supreme court decisions oh they do you know they do like do they not if any fan base were going to attempt a play by play call of a supreme court case they probably tailgate that shit yeah but we're talking about two very different kinds of michigan men between their radio

announcers and their fans on the internet right their fans on the internet have like memorized supreme court decisions whereas dan deirdorf right like you know they're the only supreme court i know of is This is the one where John Havlosek plays. If you're a Michigan fan listening to this episode right now, tweet Spencer your favorite Supreme Court decision, but only use the court citation. Don't use the name of the case. Do like 18 U.S., blah-bidi-blah.

With the little circling, the little eight, you know what I'm talking about? The little symbol. Yeah. Yeah, what's that called? Wait, the, the, you're trying. It's like a little, it's a little doodle that lawyers put in to make everyone think

They're smarter than they are. Yeah, the woo, the woo. Okay, this is not, you don't know the name of it. You know what I'm talking about? You don't know the name of it because you're a bad lawyer. I probably forgot all of it once I lost my license. Let me look up. Wait.

I'm going to Google lawyer doodle. Do you mean like the S that has another S over? Yeah, that bullshit. I said the woo. Well, that was, okay. Lawyer doodle, nothing. So you're trying to tell me you spent all that money and went to law school just to learn fonts. You only don't know how to.

spell lawyer the let's go back to lost your license the topic here voluntarily speaking of decrepit and

decaying American institutions we are going to talk a little bit about professional football this week but only in the sense post graduate football post yeah postgraduate football a little bit because the idea for

this week's podcast came to us on the way back from the Charlotte live show to Atlanta. A live show. A live show, you say. Is that a kind of thing that we do? Yeah. Are we going to be doing another one of those?

I don't know. If only we had some kind of podcast business segment in which we could dispense this information. Are we going to do it in another 1990s expansion teal town? Ryan's idea. Podcast business. Podcast business. Podcast business.

What's that business Podcast business It's a podcast And it's business dick Get a Jags tattoo On your ass cheeks today 1990s teal dick Like Charlotte Hornets

Yeah Larry Johnson I would like to get Ooh Two things I love The Panthers, the Jags And the Diamondbacks It's three things What if you got

And the teal Detroit pistons. What if you got like the Florida Gators logo tattooed on your butt, but in Jaguar's colors? Oh, God. Somebody has to have that. John H. Oh, is coming to this show, so we can just ask him where on his body. The best people, every now and then, I think it's like once every two or three years, the Jags overreach in order to draft someone from the Florida Gators.

Or a punter. Or a punter. Or a punter from the Florida Gators. And when they do it, it's one of the Internet's finding. moments because it'll be like a seventh round defensive end that they pull in the third and the reaction is always delightful oh he's coming home i don't know man jacksville's taken some some gaiters in the first round that were like uh-huh uh let's see would that be uh any defensive end that they've ever taken yeah i will not say more because we're going to jacksonville

and i would rather not anger these people ahead of time based on how the charlotte show went you can get tickets podcast business you can get tickets you can get tickets for this show at 25 snakes.com or 24 snakes.com or 26 stinks.com. I realized listening to the last episode that I haven't purchased 25 spelled out in letters. So I'm going to try to rectify that as well. If you go to 25 snakes.com with no numerals in it, I have no idea where you're going. And I'm not responsible for what happens. Hold on. We'll secure that. This is November 1st at... Do you want the hyphen or without the hyphen? Leave it without. hyphen please nothing and nothing with or without the hyphen great yes this is November 1st

live in Jacksonville Florida in Duval County this will be happening at I believe 7 p.m. I would say it's 8 sure be there at 7 no be early it's punctual no eight be there at 8 don't be early we hate it you'll probably you'll probably get there head of Spencer if you get there at 7 definitely definitely you might get there ahead of me if you get there at eight and then you'll get to see him come in and you'll have to wonder hey where's he going yeah how will i look any less disreputable than anyone else just wandering the streets of jacksonville florida answer answer i could see that man's gooch through his shorts well that could be anyone jesus in november is the worst part about that topically this was duval county huge how

could you go out of bounds and holly just went right there yep that's amazing one goch mention one Gooch. That's her one. That's it. That's all she gets through this episode. We're rationing her. My wee Goochet has been lost. Anyway, there's not a lot of Georgia fans. Speaking of Taints, there's not a lot of Georgia fans. Oh, Untitled Gooch game. We missed it. That's what we're calling this game if they continue to insist on not referring to it as the cocktail party and have referred to our or have rebuffed our years-long suggestions. the world's largest outdoor coke orgy uh yeah untitled gooch game yeah georgia because neither any teams is good at one time also both teams sort of been between something at the

moment between one state or another also there's going to be a lot of rakes thrown in a lot of bodies of water by georgia fans um but yeah georgia fans are y'all chicken shit there's not a lot of y'all that have bought tickets for this i've tried to incentivize this by offering a free golf ball to every Georgia fan who attends the show. When will I receive said free golf ball? You'll receive it after the show. You're going to hand out golf balls at a ping pong club. Yes. See, here's the mistake you made. Golfers are too picky about their golf balls, so you need to offer something like a, like a, like a marker, or a T, a greens repair device or some shit like that. Some extremely golf thing, like I'll, like what? Actually, okay, today, to when this episode. Like a poor child to carry their bag around. Spitzer's like,

What is a golf term? This episode, this episode comes out on Friday. If you purchase a ticket on Friday, and we can tell, you email us and let us know, and we will bring a picture, we'll print out a picture of Greg Norman and Spencer will sign it. Yeah. That's golf is shit. He'll autograph it with the shark. Yeah.

Or I'll print out a picture of a young Greg Norman and autograph it as. I like the idea that at a Georgia Florida show, he's kind of the neutral here. It's like you can't go Bubba Watson. Oh, that's going to spark. No, that's lawful. That's lawful evil. So, yeah, just stick to a man from a whole other part of the world. Golf knowledge.

Yeah, but like here, there's a picture of Rory Sabatini. Who? Who? I like that the collective extent of our golf knowledge after what's probably a combined 50 years in sports between the four of us is just constantly dunking on Bubba Watson for no reason. because all we know about golf that's correct is that he has earned it. I know more than I would care to say about golf. And I suspect if Spencer and I wanted to alienate Holly and Jason,

we would just do a whole golf show at the Jacksonville Live show. So we're about to do a whole golf show, Georgia fans. That's an interesting. We ran out of chickens. So, Ryan, you use the subjunctive there, and I'd like to get into that. What do you mean if you wanted to alienate me and Jason? You're still on the show, aren't you? it would be so easy to not be

you say that and yet wait if I'm not on the show I don't have to go to Jacksonville is what I'm hearing I'm just going to go ahead and say that topics I'm taking off the board in order to be friendlier and accommodate Georgia fans I'm going to take off championships I was going to take off quarterbacks who won championships

right we'll just take that off right there just to make everybody feel comfortable, right? I'll take off terrible Florida players who have won national championships. Catholicism? God damn. What? Savannah's sitting right there.

Well, now Mel Gibson's not coming, so thanks a lot. Dang it! That was the sole purpose of this. I'm only bringing him to a show where we have Alex where Alex can debate him, like the coward Mel Gibson is. We're going to have a business casual fashion show? That's it. Fashion show, not fashy show, Florida. Yeah.

Dang it. So can we all wear polos like we're Georgia fans? Is that our uniform here? I have a straw hat. Jason, do you own a polo? Yeah, I used to have a job. Wait, is it a public's polo? No, I have a whole closet full of job clothes.

I haven't looked at it in a long time. Yeah, I have several blazers still for some reason. I like that you're like, have a whole closet full of work clothes. You didn't specify whose work clothes those were. I have a tux. Wait, wait, wait. You own a tux? I have a tux. You own a tux? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way I fit into it right now, but yeah. Okay, bring it to the show and we'll see who fits into it. If you can fit into Spencer's tuxedo. Wait, Spencer and I will wear tucks up top, tucks up top, shorts on the bottom. Jorts on the bottom. Jorts on the bottom. Jacksonville formal. Yeah. By the way, they won't

be cutoffs. They'll be the nice shorts. With the tailored, like the tailored semen cups. Now, the 90s are back. You can actually roll your cuffs. I'm going to wear Umbroes. Yes. What, this is that if we had to assign, there's a round robin here. And then we will, I promise, swear and get this back on what we're going to talk about.

A round robin of your 90s outfit. I don't mean the one you wore, but the one that spiritually is right here. Ryan, you're an umbrose. You're the umbrose 90s. Umbrose. Umbrose and some, um, Warner Brothers T-shirt. Taz shirt. Taz holding Bugs Bunny severed head.

Well, not quite that dark, but more like Taz on a skateboard with something like school. Okay, so not a bootleg, Taz shirt. No, no. School. I'm so mad that you took my shirt. Are you talking about the shirt with your likeness on it? Yeah, yeah, no.

I was like, I'm so mad because I was going to be like, oh, yeah, a Taz shirt, 100%. Or maybe like a Toronto Raptor's shirt. That would also. That's also, that's pretty good. Jason, what is your 90s outfit? There's a lot of phases in there, obviously, but I sort of feel like the most all-encompassing thing

would be like jersey of a team I don't root for. Like I always think about the fact that I had an Eagles, Ricky Waters jersey. Why? That's awesome. Why did I have that? Probably because it was a weird shade of green that does not occur in nature.

You know, that's a very Atlanta thing, though, right? It's like, why are you wearing that? I don't know, it's cool. Sure, sure, yeah. Because I might need it for a wrap. video. I had a, who's the shark's hockey team? San Jose? Yeah, I had one of their hats

and like, still, like I just, I just demonstrate. I don't even know what they are. It's just like, oh, that's a shark. Holly, what would be yours? It's a mystery why the Thrashers left Atlanta. Which, it's like Jason said, there's a lot of phases in here, which part of the 90s? I don't know, just the one that you're, you know, like, if you're like, hey,

that's, that's, that's, I'm going to go early 90s and go cutoffs, one of those like islet lace tank tops and a woven belt that I probably purchased in Cherokee, North Carolina, and no shoes. That's very spring breakers of you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go. In winter, I would revert to dressing like one of the hitmen from Pulp Fiction. Sure.

Right. If you're wondering if I've always been like this. Yeah. Stozy shirt. Yeah. Oh, God. And jorts. That's mine.

Are you sure you didn't impregnate me in high school? I can't really say for sure whether it happened or didn't happen. I would like to reiterate my theory that all big Johnson shirts are actually about Lyndon Baines Johnson. Oh, this is canon. This is absolutely canon. He would agree with that. Yeah. We know for a fact he would straight up tell you that that's true.

They owe me money. They're talking about my big fat cock. That's what those shirts mean. worse than what I said. It's worse. Because it's the president. It's a dead terrifying man. Dead presidents, dick. Yeah.

Holly, you can talk about dead gooch is all you want. Oh. Speaking of, speaking of forsaken territories. That's my favorite frontier town. We were driving. So anyway, if you want to hear more of this in person where you can't just hit the skip button, Jacksonville, November 1st. You can't walk away, which is good.

yeah this is speaking of walking away from forsaken territory we were driving through south carolina and holly i believe was the first to remind us of something that i didn't even know happened this year no you were driving and i was driving you had it you looked it up on the phone i did yeah there was there were we saw signs yes there was a big to do about the carolina panthers moving their uh headquarters not where they will play their games but like their team complex right across the border from Charlotte, which if you do not know, if you are for some reason

not from within driving distance of us right now, Hi, Floyd. Charlotte is kind of right across the border into North Carolina. And for tax reasons, the team is going to go untaxed for a hilarious period, the exact extent of which I forget,

but they're moving to Rock Hill, South Carolina, which currently contains, they probably got a pigly-wiggly. Yeah. That's probably where. Gedevi and Clowny's parents still are, perhaps? Yeah.

Now, he's from Rock Hill, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, obviously, that was probably the pull of us. Chedevian Clowny said we had to move there, so we had to. I did not know that Rock Hill, despite being in South Carolina, is considered as part of the Charlotte metropolitan area. That is a generous. The metropolitan area is kind of like when, you know.

That's a good grift. North Carolina is metastasizing. That's like that thing when you're, when you say like between me and Peyton Manning we have multiple Super Bowl titles yeah that's that's exactly what that is it's like the at when people are like yeah man you know the Jacksonville the Jacksonville metropolitan area includes Charleston it includes like 12 miles of ocean yeah yeah all those fish think about all those manatees every last one of them Jaguars fans all of them God made manatees not manashies do jaguars fans do the roar by the way that Oh, do we have another opportunity to make that weird cat noise that we didn't make in Charlotte? Charlotte? We could institute it. I don't think they do that.

I don't think they do their growl. Anyway, the Panthers are moving their headquarters to South Carolina, and everyone's mad about it, and we want to do this to other people. Basically, yeah, since every NFL franchise is, you know, I'm just treating them like a Kia plant, right? We're just trying to go where you're going to give us the best tax incentives. Just to move all of our stuff and play within reasonable sort of, I guess, theoretical striking distance, right? But really what I'm trying to get out of doing is paying taxes. That's it. That's the sole purpose of this, all right?

We're going to, everybody here is an owner. Congratulations, you're all terrible people. We did it. You did it. Everyone here has eight teams. Not just one. You're not some broke boy like Jerry Jones. No, no, we're giving you eight.

Each of us have eight teams that have been randomly assigned to you. Okay? And I want you to take this team and I want you to find your own Rock Hill. I want you to find the place where you're going to move your squad. If you want to do this for humorous reasons, great. Please, if you just want to pick a random place, sure, go ahead. But I want you to really put some thought and effort to it. Can you go out of state?

Yeah, you can go out of state if you want to go ahead and move. But it has to be, you can't go further. than one state over. Yeah, you can't be up. But if you want to move it just over the state line, for instance, if the Memphis showboats, RIP, former USFL franchise, wanted to actually headquarter over in West Memphis, Arkansas. Oh, yeah.

This is frustrating because now I'm going to have to know, like, which states are where, which is not a thing anybody from Florida actually knows. Do you think I don't have a map of the United States pulled up? Well, now I have to open one. Damn it. Dang it. What's near Indiana?

I don't know. Oh, that's a great. Why do you think I have a map? pulled up other parts of indiana i assume yeah i think i think for the colts you might just want to move them to indianapolis that's it we'll move them to someplace isolated listen i will make my own decisions for my teams sir i'm gonna move the falcons to cob county yeah i broke all sorts of rules on my draft great great that's fine you're an NFL owner you'll just be like i'm rich we'll be like that's cool that's fine yeah as long as you keep as long as you keep politically active players from ever playing

the sport again you're you're golden in our eyes okay okay good you're fine uh our teams have been everybody has eight and we are going to go uh in order here okay round one round one as usual the game within a game how long until spencer takes a thing that's already been taken here we go spencer's up first it's a good thing that we also made him the commission and let him write the draft order yep i'm sure this won't go poorly okay Spencer, you're up first That is correct You like if we left Michael Chickles in a canal

For like three weeks And then fished him out It's not nice He's a commission I'm hurt Are you? I am I am in charge of moving

The Baltimore Ravens A team Wait, I have first pick No, this is You don't go He don't He don't Oh, okay

I also thought I didn't do it. I too thought Holly had first pick. How was I supposed to know? You made a two-page document. Oh, there's a whole other page. Okay. Okay. Thank you. You share my surprise that Spencer wrote something more than a page long for work. I did. I did.

Got it now. Okay. Okay. Anyway, go ahead, Spencer, I guess. The Baltimore Ravens, a team that has never moved, ever in the history of their franchise. I am in charge of putting them in the. place that I think will be the most efficient spot for them. This was a tough decision, but I think I'm going to have to go move them out to the only logical choice, which would be Ashburn, Virginia.

You say that, well, aren't the Redskins already headquartered out there, the Washington National franchise? Yes, yes. But we're doubling up, and Dan Snyder is going to charge us half rent. So we're going to move there. We're going to move to Virginia, and we're going to make the parking situation for the Washington team even worse. So that's where I'm moving all of our operations there inside Washington's existing offices. Okay.

Holly, you're next step. Are we sure about that? Positive. I would like to move the Atlanta Falcons several hours south to the bustling metropolis of Valdosta. the reason for this is a couplefold I would like traffic in my city reduced to soccer games only and also I feel like it will benefit falcons ownership if they are a lot closer to the pill mills of Florida this is a solid pick by far can I just for that one team offer an additional consideration please as the person who's lifelong been emotionally afflicted by them

We are all rich here, so I will only listen to other rich people. Yeah, rich folks only in my literal mentions. I'll pay you $1 billion for considering this idea. So the geographic opposite of Atlanta is Martine de Vivias. Perhaps that's how you say it. It's a research station on a volcanic island in the South Indian Ocean. That's where I'd like to put the Atlanta Falcons. Okay.

30 people live there. Dan Quinn can go and try to start a military junta with those 30 people. Thomas Jermitrov can ride his little bicycle around the 20-mile. Isle Island, and we never have to hear from them ever again. So Falcon season is going well. So, like, I mean, the players, we can redistribute the players throughout the league. Matt Ryan can go play anywhere that is not terrible. Send him to a nice home.

Nobody's going to notice. Yeah. He can go coach Boston College. Great. But I think everyone would be happy with that. Yeah, it's a compelling argument. Strong. Strong.

Yeah. Let's see. Next on our draft order, we have Ryan. So I'm going to cheat for most of mine and just ask Twitter. But on this one, I'm not. I'm moving the Indianapolis Colts to Kokomo, Indiana, a real place. And I am doing it so that I can tell you the following story about Mayor Henry C. Cole, the mayor of Kokomo, who in the 1880s was shot to death by a sheriff's posse. Before you feel too bad for him, let me tell you a little bit about Dr. Cole.

he had served in the Union Army during the Civil War and became a prominent physician in Kokomo noted in part for his willingness to serve the poor that's a great thing while he was there he married a woman named Natalie Cole and this is straight from Wikipedia of whom he became intensely jealous the thing all good marriages are founded upon he became he became suspicious of another man

who he warned away from Kokomo and then he discovered him leaving the post office one day in 1866 and he shot him dead and he and over he stood over his body and continued shooting him several times now relatable um now this at this at this point he was just i shouldn't be laughing this is murder i know go's hard at this point he was just dr cole he was not mayor yet uh his case so he he was tried for the murder uh and and uh he received a not guilty verdict on a plea of emotional insanity and divorced his wife thereafter, which I think was best for everyone. I'm going to now read verbatim from Wikipedia for the rest of this.

Cole's reputation for violent instability and the cowardice in the way he killed Alan created many enemies for him, but his generosity and a promise to clean up the town won him enough support to win a bitter election for mayor in 1881, 15 years after he should. Got a man coming out of the post office and was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Shortly thereafter, he was shot dead by a sheriff's posse. According to the coroner's inquest, he died from shotgun wounds inflicted by deputy George Bennett. And the sheriff claimed that an informant had advised him that Cole was planning to rob a flour mill. Wow.

The posse was forced... Where they make flowers? Where they make flower. F-L-O-U-U-R. Oh, okay. Yeah. The posse was forced to fire. in self-defense, the sheriff claimed he had two revolvers and to prevent his escape,

although his injuries seemed inconsistent with that version. Cole supporters argued that no revolvers or burglary tools were produced and that the motive was implausible. Nevertheless, no action was taken against Bennett or the other members of the posse, end of Wikipedia section. Wow. That sheriff's deputy is a real bus kill. Anyway, Cole, Colts, it goes together.

it's working yeah let's definitely put jim ursay in that mix you can shoot a man at the post office for fun i love this town the beast is loose blam bam into this two leader of delicious coke zero he'd do that and pull like a terrible guitar solo in the middle of the street right like wow wow i shot this dude so ryan you are asking twitter in real time

um i'm going to i'm going to i'm going to from i did ask for the colds I'm sorry Twitter that I ignored your results but yeah I'm for when my next pick comes up I'm just going to ask Twitter and do whatever they say I like that you asked them and then we never mind yeah don't worry it'll pay off later I feel like this is how the Cleveland Browns actually draft

they did they did that is kind of how they got Johnny Mansell and that were oh that's true I asked a homeless guy I would love it if that guy wasn't homeless it was like me right I asked a homeless guy You're like, I just looked really comfortable that day, okay? The NFL owner is like, I asked the poorest vagrant I'd ever seen in my life. And it was like completely normal, working class regular person.

Yeah. I asked an absolute walking dirt bag that I would never touch with a 10-foot pole. Oh, it was a season ticket holder, you mean? That's actor Mark Ruffalo. He wasn't even in character. It's Joaquin Phoenix on the 7th. of the tonight show that's defensible that's perfectly fine my god jason you are up to close out round one with the fourth pick all right i have the seattle seahawks and we are obliterating the rule of

keeping things local we are folding the seahawks into the texas a and m university system i think we know why there's several problems is a seattle texas or at least there used to be it's in core yale County, about two hours from college station, about an hour west of Waco, so we're going to move the Seahawks there. Obviously, there's a reason for this. The 12th man thing. Some internet weirdos like to say that the University of Minnesota actually invented the 12th man, which they cite like, yeah, our school magazine wrote about it. Like, oh, okay, some journalists wrote some words. Well, here's what a journalist actually did at Texas A&M, got out of the press box, suited up, got on the field, and helped win the 1922 bowl game, an actual good use of

journalist, right? So meanwhile, the Seahawks decided like, oh, we like to have fucking Sir Mixelot or whatever come raise a flag. So therefore it's ours. It's like that's, you're raising a flag. There's nothing great about that. So you're going to move to college station near college station and fucking McElmore, whoever is going to learn how to make himself useful. Also further, speaking of the 12th men in journalism, the Buffalo Bills apparently also do this. They had a 12th man walk of fame, which they renamed it after TV news guy Tim Russert. Speaking of, yeah. Really?

Okay. Yep. Okay. So he is forever the 12th man of the Buffalo Bills, and that's where the Seahawks are moving. Wow. Okay. I like this. That was solid.

Round two. Round two has begun. Ryan is first up. in the draft order and are we serpentining no yes it appears completely random these are these are completely random with my second with for my second team i'm going with the second response to the twitter prompt the packers are moving to birmingham alabama they're taking george's logo to birmingham they'll be nice for that town to finally get a sports team to root for

Legion field. They'd love that. Yes. It'll be great because somebody will do the Lambo leap and get tennis. No, they'll do the Lambo leap and the whole thing will come down. Oh, we get to play in an old piece of shit. Awesome. They'll leap up into the stands and just like come fall back where they'll feel holding a girder. Um, that I think they'd fold in three years due to lack of attendance. They would. They'd be like, I got to go to church and I've got to watch the tide. Where am I going to fit them in? Well, it will. It'll, it'll, they'll, definitely ruin the team because they'll be like fine we'll draft we'll draft nothing but auburn and bama players um all bo nix is our franchise quarterback god damn it uh next up in round

to holly you are up all right i'm going to flex the denver broncos across the state line upwards into caspar wyoming uh it's close enough to where a good portion of the broncos fan base can still hang out altitude uh will remain an advantage for uh for home games but also uh colorado has legal weed now give wyoming some tax money i like Wyoming's a great state with a lot of pretty shit in it let's preserve it with the riches of NFL large ass also if anything bad happens it's going to take two to three days for anyone to find out about it yeah you can kill a lot of people yeah that's sure murder

let's go around let's go around the room and list some bad things that can happen you can kill a lot of people the long mire broncos i mean that seems to be like half our reasoning so far this one is just like john elway can finally do what he wants to do without anyone john elway to live on a ranch where he can run around

with his own kind can you imagine sending john elway to the NBA draft he'd be like oh my god they're all so tall I'll draft all of them But do you think I think John Elway Also has like the size The size dysmorphia issues

Of like a very small dog So he's staring up at like some seven four center He's like that guy's almost as big as me We're the same We're the same Is his name Brock or Paxton It's Wyoming almost certainly Yeah I think NBA

NBA John Elway is going The Lithuanian tall guy Yeah If you catch my meaning. These guys are just sneakily athletic, every last one of them. I am up for round two. I am responsible for picking a new home for the Philadelphia Eagles. And I thought, well, Rock Hill is about 45 minutes away from Charlotte, right?

Give or take a couple of minutes depending on traffic. What place is about, you know, what's the funniest place I could move? the Philadelphia Eagles within about 45 minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll have you know that an easy driving distance in exactly a 45-minute drive, okay, 45 miles about, it's about an hour and five minutes driving. But Philadelphia Eagles fans will do that, right? You can take the train.

I know where you're going here, and you can take the train here as well. Can you? Yeah. Do you think where am I going? You're going with Princeton because you put it in the dock and I can read. God damn it. You wrote it in the dock? You got spoilers in the doc.

So clever. I mean, where's the last place you would look for my answer? In the document I'm supposed to put in it, right? So I'm actually arguing this is you being super smart, as opposed to just hemi-demi smart, right? Yep. Yeah, we're putting them in Princeton, baby. I'm here 45 miles away from Philly.

Because you know who's going to roll up on a Thursday, drunk as hell, and a golf cart on the campus? Eagles fans, baby. Yeah. So we're going to move all their business operations. to Princeton where the finest minds and analytics will clean vomit off their front steps two to three days a week. I'm really mad because you kind of took the format for my next draft pick, but I'm going to

continue to roll with it. Yeah. Go Eagles. Jason, you are selecting again last in round two. I have the Jacksonville Jaguars. And all right, Jacksonville, we're coming to your city so I can't piss you out too much. We all know the joke that you are very sick of on the subject of relocation. We all know it.

All right. Jags are moving to London. Ha, ha, no, no, no. We are going to send you on a tour, all right? Here are some of the cities the Jags will be playing in as they traverse the globe. You're going to Rome, Venice, St. Petersburg, Melbourne, Turin, Athens, Sparta, Smyrna. I've named towns in Georgia and Florida because you're staying in Georgia and Florida. That's it.

You're right. You're riding circus. it. I respect the process. Oh, that's good. That's good. Round three. Round three. Ryan is kicking this off for the first pick of round three. Thank you to The Giggas on Twitter, Mike, who we are sending the Lions to, I'm going to try to pronounce this correctly. Navasibirsk, Siberia. So, so basically dirty Detroit?

that's it just got a tunnel just got a tunnel straight through the earth where we can just and here's the thing if if anybody else in the NFC North complains about the weather like that's the least NFC North thing

you could do right ah commish we're really not excited to play outdoor games in Siberia yes you are go out there lose every digit for football

I just like the idea that you could commute from to Detroit, right, to play your games, right? You could commute like Godzilla is supposed to and King of Monsters, right? There are tunnels inside the earth and only the Detroit Lions can access them,

which I would believe. Plus now the president is a huge Lions fan, so that's cool. That's in dope. I am up next for the second pick in round three, the team that I am responsible for finding a new administrative. administrative home for is the Cleveland Browns, the Cleveland Browns. What, what worse could I do to the Cleveland Browns that has not already been done to the Cleveland Browns? Wait, I thought in our imaginary draft we were moving like stadia. We can do that. It's fine. But for the purposes of this joke, I'm just moving administrative stuff because you'll hear why. Oh, excuse me. Yes. Rondo Provincial Park is the second oldest provincial park in Ontario, Canada. It's gorgeous. It's got,

a solid bird population as well as white-tailed deer it is a popular point for windsurfing where did you position yourself in order to be able to judge its bird population and the robustness thereof i'm merely reading what is reported okay right this is research and it is more than the browns have done in a draft in decades a fair point um recent evidence notwithstanding on that point however However, you will notice if you pull up a map that Rondo Provincial Park is on Lake Erie. In fact, it is directly across from Cleveland because I think what would add more to the Cleveland game day experience than watching their team soaring across the water on jet skis across all of Lake Erie?

Because I guess you could do that with Lake Erie, right? You can probably get across it on a jet ski. That's not crazy. There's only like one way to find out. Oh, that's the new charity stretch goal. I like a Florida man looks at a body of water and assesses its size by how many jet skis would it take to get across. I beat uncharted. I can do this.

That's what I'm thinking. You can do that in far cry. That'd be fine, man. You just got to get enough llama skins. Then you can do it. That's it. I just need to stitch a bigger wallet for my jet ski out of shark skin. Be sure you take your air horns in case you fall off your day.

Yeah, so you can survive. But that's it. We're going to be, we're going to be demanding that the Canadians turn over, beautiful Rondo, so that we can combine the last element of risk missing from the Cleveland Browns franchise, which are extended trips over often stormy waters. We'll just add that in literally. Don't they play for the Edmund Fitzgerald, the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald trophy in the preseason, too? Wait, what?

What? Didn't I, I don't think I made this up. Browns, what, Browns Binkles? Boat Trophy. Yeah. Like the little... Yeah. The Browns and the Lions play for the wreck, the Redmond Fitzgerald trophy.

Wait, like, the actual shipwreck or the song? Are you telling me that two terrible teams play for a trophy named after a cursed ship? Yeah. Wait, is it named after the ship or is it named after the Gordon Lightfoot song? The name of the trophy is, the trophy is, is known as the barge. So it's about the ship. So it says in 2018 it was lost. Yeah, it is lost, but they didn't play for it.

Like the ship! Yeah. What the fuck? The NFL is actually good. Yeah. How is, to be clear, this is, this is a traveling trophy for a preseason game. Not even a season game. Battle for the barge.

Is the NFL actually good? No, it's not. It might be. I'm shocked y'all didn't know about this I have to do this says it was invented in 2002 yeah it's pretty it's very recent

but it is the Edmund Fitzgerald Barge what is the connection the Great Lakes that's it huh I think this thing is underreported I need to go there here is on the wiki page the dead link in the

morning journal is cited by wiki as saying the shit where to go the great lakes classic which appears to be the other name for this yeah has lacked luster since its beginning that was written in 2008 it had been alive for six years and everyone was sick of it at that point no updates and by the way no updates right no no update since 2008 it really took off no after that everything was fine wow amazing um i believe next we have jason is this round three yes the end of round three yeah so holly went no oh this has me at last in three yeah there you go it's holly's right see it there that's that's when i did it holly pick three in round three please you sure buddy mm-hmm okay uh i'm going to take the new york one of the things that i deeply dislike about sports is teams that

contain two professional sports franchises. It's not cute. She said, having stayed up until two in the morning, watching Lakers Clippers like 48 hours ago. It doesn't matter if they share a stadium? Funny you should ask. Okay. Because I have the Jets.

And I'm going to move them to Cambridge, Massachusetts for two reasons. First of all, Harvard needs some culture. in that town and second of all this will put them physically closer to Boston than Foxborough do you know why they're named the Jets no is it not a plane crash so they were

originally named for Westside Story they are not neither of those things is true you were closer with the first one they were originally named the Titans and the logic was Titans are bigger than Giants which is just so fucking sad but they were named the Jet do they know how many of the Titans got killed by their kids

which I guess also makes it appropriate. They were named the Jets because originally the team was, I don't know if they did play there or not, but they were going to play at Shea Stadium right by LaGuardia. So they chose, they chose to be identified with LaGuardia Airport. It was going to be Jets and Mets. And if you wonder why this team is cursed,

it's like, yeah, because they said, you know what we draw on for inspiration. You know what our sacred object is LaGuardia. The bus station of the skies. So we have made... So anyway, they're moving to Massachusetts and they're going to be closer to Boston than the Patriots rule-tied.

And Eagles Jets is now an Ivy League rivalry. Correct. Now it is at last Jason's turn. Probably. Okay, so I have the Kansas City Chiefs, and I got to be careful here. Half my family is Chiefs fans. So I'm going to very delicately say

that their barbecue is insanely overrated because it is all about candy sauce instead of being good at meat. Kansas City, of course, originally the Dallas Texans. We will send them very near to there. We'll improve on the Dallas part by sending them instead to Fort Worth, where I'm sure they can find some actually, especially good barbecue. Just don't ruin it with candy sauce. That's it,

Fort Worth Chiefs. Round four, pick the first round, the first pick in this round, is Holly. Is it? In round four, the first pick is holly. Oh, wait, I knew what I was doing with this one. So I kind of ran into the same problem with this because for two rounds in a row, I was dealt a team that has a competing team in its metropolis and also the less interesting team. I have the Los Angeles Chargers, and I thought about several different paths with this one.

I thought about moving them back to San Diego because I'm rich. I thought about moving them to San Francisco and making them a team actually playing professional sports in San Francisco, but A, there's nowhere to put them, and B, I just did that with the Jets. And I want to be an eccentric rich person. I thought about moving them to Oakland to replace the Raiders, because that would be kind of funny. But then I thought that maybe the thing that would make the Sions of Al Davis the maddest is to just create this same problem somewhere else. So I'm going to move them to Las Vegas and make them go head to them with the nights for fandom and merch and bandwidth and all that good stuff. Also, it's just a couple hours away.

Yeah. Also, what could go wrong with having more NFL fans in a place with legal gambling? Two professional sports teams competing within the metropolis of Las Vegas. I don't see how that goes wrong. Ryan, you are up. this pick is for the Cardinals. A lot of good Vatican City suggestions in the mentions, but I can't find it right now,

but the suggestion that was truly horrifying to me and therefore will be the one I choose, the Cardinals are moving to Tallahassee, Florida. I've actually thought about doing this with the Falcons so they can see some football. So now, it is a huge pain in the ass for them to play their NFC West schedule. We now have even more pro football teams in Florida, not a thing anybody has ever needed. We have Cliff Kingsbury in a college town, which is going to be great because anytime Florida State is bad, like I don't know this year, people are going to, well, we just clash right there and he knows the area.

I mean, so yeah, we're going to go ahead and do the Tallahassee Cardinals, which just rolls off the tongue. Yeah, just listen to it. It's just music. Jason, you are next up for the third. I'm realizing now we should have been saying the full names of each of these teams each time. Just to feel it, yeah. Yeah. I do want to say somebody else's suggested Myrtle Beach, but I can't do that to Cliff.

He'll never come home. I have the 49ers, the Santa Clara 49ers. So moving them to San Francisco, of course, that would be funny. Because that's, what is that, like an hour away, something like that? Yeah. Without traffic. Moving them to Oakland would also be funny, making San Francisco. Francisco, San Franciscans go to Oakland.

Instead, we're going to make the Charlotte 49ers, the world's most important 49ers. Not that they already aren't. Of course, they already are, but we're just going to stamp it. We're going to move the NFL team to a much smaller school in the UNC University system. The NFL 49ers are now the UNC Pembroke. Pimbroke. I don't know. They don't matter.

They're just the San Francisco 49ers of Robeson County. Robeson County. Again, they're in Division II, Peach Belt Conference. So you're moving them in North Carolina. Yeah, to a small, small area of North Carolina. So they're now two 49ers in North Carolina. The more prominent one is in Charlotte. Right, right, right.

Okay, just wanted to be clear. Yep. Kyle Shanahan, Division 2 head coach. Shoulder and the ball. I am up with the final pick in this round, and I will be selecting a new home for the Dallas. Cowboys. We're moving everything, boys, because Jerry Jones' ambitions, they've always been big, but they've never been bigger than they are at the moment short on championships and looking

for even more control. A place where he can rule is more than an owner, where he can be something more than just a rich man. No, a place where he can have, nay, nearly his own kingdom. A place where money will probably buy everything that he wants and a little bit more. He'll need a place that represents the team of the South. And what's more South than the Southern Hemisphere? That's right. We're moving the Dallas Cowboys to a place that also has Cowboys, although you may be more familiar with them by their name in Spanish.

Vacero. That is correct. We're moving them to Paraguay. We're moving the entire Dallas Cowboys franchise to Paraguay. Are they going to pay taxes? No, they'll be paid to be there. Well, Jerry Jones rule from an iron throne atop the stadium, like the demigod he has always wanted to be.

Yes, yes, he will. Will he still support the Arkansas Razorbacks, perhaps moving the entire university there where they could lose eight or nine games a year without anyone seeing them? Yes, absolutely. Paraguay, the Paraguay Cowboys moving the entire operation down there

where I presume at least 200,000 to 300,000 Cowboy fans will move as well. Do you think the stadium is built so that if needed it can fly? Like, does it have rocket thrusters under it? already it's the shield helic carrier yeah yeah just

and like the Walmart comes with it it's just emblazoned with ass there's like a there's like a tether to the Walmart the Walmart's floating along behind it and Paraguay's like ah wonderful a bonus now we're infested

with all of us with value does that fit in Paraguay? It will but we got to drag the anchor all over the Amazon just so for extra You're destroying precious rainforest. Guns falling out of the Walmart. Hell yeah.

Throw some cheeseballs down. This is like Jerry Jones riding through South America. They're describing some sort of extremely Texas Santa is what you're describing. Kind of, yeah. I was thinking of the Malian emperor who like rode across the Sahara just distributing gold. So much gold he wrecked the economies everywhere. This Jerry Jones with guns all the way down to Paris. Also, who was one of his corporate partners?

John Schnatter, right? Okay, yeah. What better place to do a reboot of your entire career than has Papa One! I hate you. I'm sure they have better food, but I'm sure he'll find a way to ruin it. The next round we're up into round five. Jason, for once, you get to pick first. Oh, my, my, my.

You won't believe who's picking at the first in this round because they usually pick last. so we haven't talked about metal gear lore for a while let's fix that i have i have i have the patriots uh as uh my fellow metal georologists will recall the patriots of course are the shadowy organization that is behind most of these things they have a lot of names the wise men the philosophers they've branched into various groups they've had all sorts of factions um but the patriots are the evil shadow empire that pulls all the strings you right this this lines up uh so the good guys in this game are usually they're usually mercenary soldiers who want to be left alone to do whatever they want those are the good guys these are the even worse bad guys um

they're kind of like the evil illuminati uh and they're like based all over the world so it's kind of hard to pin down an exact place to move the new england patriots who are the metal gear patriots by the way um spencer did you know there's a metal gear zeke i did not yeah he's awesome you should look him up his whole right arm is a rail gun just like My son. Boom! Yeah, yeah. He'll probably love this thing.

Also, another side note before we finish talking metal gear lore, don't worry. It'll keep going for a while. So one of the worst bad guys who's even worse than the Patriots is the super evil senator, who his name in, I think the Japanese version of the game is Monger. Yeah, we get it. His name in this game is Armstrong, and it's like, oh, that's not a very Metal Gear name. Well, yeah, his arms are made of nanobots. So, yes, it is a Metal Gear name.

Anyway, this guy reveals as he's about to kill you that he played football for the Texas Longhorns. And given his age, this is probably under Darryl Royal. Yeah. Daryl Royal isn't mentioned in Metal Gear because if he was, his name would be King Royal. That would be more of a Metal Gear name. Yeah. Anyway, the Patriots, the Metal Gear Shadow Organization, one of the main places they return to as a base of operations is right near Santiago de Cuba. So that's we're moving the New England Patriots, the Santiago de Cuba Patriots.

So they can just Bill Belichick can do his shadowy deeds there without other mercenaries messing up his plans. And when discovered, the noise that you will make when you find the videotape of your practice that you did not authorize. That's when, yeah, Tom Brady calls play action and, uh-oh, defense nifted out. next pick in round five holly hello i have the minnesota vikings to re-home which shouldn't make them too sorry because vikings are a nomadic people and with that in mind i would like you to recall that there's a little pointy sticky out bit of minnesota on the left uh kind of a a little bit below fargo that uh kind of juts into south dakota a little bit and i'd also like like you to recall that like the Vikings were want to do, Minnesota has been pillaged

and the land that belongs to us. So I'm handing over in its entirety the Minnesota Vikings to the Osheddy Chocolin, the seven council fires. The Lake Traverse Reservation is right there on I-29. And I'm just going to hand the team and all its finances over to the seven council fires and all that money can can be theirs because we if i don't take one opportunity in this to be a good rich person i'll feel bad about this exercise and we're going to throw the horn in a lake yeah uh next up so i'm so anyway so this is right on the this is right on the place where north Dakota south Dakota and minnesota come together uh and the fine people of the the seven council fires they can divide this up however they see fit amongst themselves y'all have fun beat the packers

who are now in birmingham oh also before we do that because we're vikings we're going to go to green bay and take all their stuff because they left now round five pick three ryan um my pick for so i am up for where i have to move the raiders most people are just um sending me cities without explanation which is fine they're not getting paid to help me, but I do want to recognize... I mean, that's how the Raiders ended up moving in the first place. It's kind of true. Steve Gurkin at Steve G. Gurkin on Twitter. Salt Lake City is a place where bowl cuts are stylish and P.F. Chang's is considered fine dining if that doesn't just scream Mark Davis. So yeah, the Salt Lake City Raiders, the Utah Raiders. Does it matter if you're

moving them from Oakland or from Vegas? Doesn't matter at all. Nope. Okay. Because I think either way, that's... It works. Quite a... damn i am going to go ahead and for my pick the fourth of round five i am supposed to find a new home for the buffalo bills i think this is more properly termed a re-home you gave yourself the buffalo i didn't i didn't um i did want to go ahead and find someplace where i thought they could restart anew and come to terms with what they are and make the best of it now play along with me. What sport or sport-like endeavor has, like Buffalo Bill's seasons, results that are predetermined? Which one has people jumping through tables in the parking lot and elsewhere? Which one has

Occasionally. Occasionally people dying freakishly. But yes. Olympic swimming. Baseball. That's right. We're moving the Buffalo Bills to Stanford, Connecticut, to the headquarters of the WWE. The Buffalo Bills will make the best of their K-Fave existence and occasional shoots by becoming, I don't know, I think that within their lineup, they could be the Saturday night, the Saturday night show for the WWE. I think it fits right there. That's where football goes, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fine. I mean, nobody's watching them anyway. You might as well put it on the WWE network see if you can get a couple of subscriptions, right? Also, fans, no longer have to jump

in the parking lot, tables in the ring. We'll bring you, we'll bring you right in. as as the member of this podcast who probably knows the least about wrestling i also appreciate this because josh allen feels like the wrestler the company is forcing upon us they're like you'll love him we love we love kuffy kingston aka tyrod taylor josh allen that's our champion round six round six i got to go back to back here because i have the first pick in the six round i am supposed to rehome the tennessee titans and i'm just i'm taking them to the one team the one place in the state of tennessee that deserves a good football team that deserves a professional football team that deserves everything because it is the only place in the entire

state that has never let anyone down chattanooga breaks no promises and lives up to every expectation i'm moving them to gatleburg airbrush t-shirts for everybody yeah i'm so mad at this about this but i'm not going to tell you why for exactly two picks round six second pick Jason. Catlinburg is trash. The Tennessee Titans. The China Knife Bazaar with like a word.

There's a very tall mall with knives in it. Stop! Stop! You undermine your whole argument. There's a very, like, who wants to go to a five-story mall with like six stores? With knives in it? There's a knife store.

We have a knife store down, like, in the shopping center outside our neighborhood. It doesn't have four-wim stars. How do you, sure, of course it does. Every store in Georgia has every kind of weapon. If you're convincing enough, any friend's house is a knife store. Think about it. It's like Jason's business if he wants to walk away from the eyes of God, but I cannot follow.

Gatlinburg, divisive. I have the Los Angeles Rams who now, now run the joint because everyone else has left California. I could just stay here in Los Angeles and be. One of several football teams that doesn't matter a whole lot. But, no, we're again, we're going to follow our roots. We're going to go back to where we came from. We're taking the Rams back to Cleveland. The Cleveland Rams, of course, has never had an NFL franchise.

Before this season, everyone thought it would. Everyone thought the Browns might be okay, but obviously they're still the Browns because NFL fans don't pay enough attention to strength the schedule, and they were very fooled by last year's results. So Cleveland Rams, we're coming home. Cleveland would roll with it, too. They'd be like, yeah, you're just fine. Just give us a team.

Can we call them the brown rams, the ramb-browns? They were, they mostly wear blue, right? That's probably the prominent color sure. Cleveland blue browns, done. That's what's a bruise. Yeah, it's the color of a bruise because we're tough. We're working class. Cleveland bruise.

the bruise I believe next we have Holly the third pick in the sixth round okay I'm upset with you from moving a team to Gatlinburg because I was going to remove the Carolina Panthers even though they have just already moved

um Rakiel didn't have a lot going forward no disrespect to the family of Jededi and Clowny is that who's from there please don't hurt me but I am moving the Panthers to Myrtle Beach for reasons that I feel need no explanation.

None. No. That is correct. Again, it's mostly based on proximity to knife stores. The good ones, the tall ones. The taller are the knife stores. You took the good knife store. Ryan, you're about to go back to back.

We'll get you with the last one in round six. thanks to our co-worker and colleague harry lyles at harry lyles junior on twitter we now have the boonville indiana texans the texans are great because most of this there were a lot of like somebody suggested london several oklahoma suggestions in here a lot of people want them to go to memphis which feels a little too like correct uh veil was a good suggestion San Francisco. Somebody said Knoxville, which is truly twisted. You see it's very

funny because their name is no longer accurate. That's the joke. Right. Also, Maggie Hendricks in a close second place with Ames, the Ames Texans. I would move them somewhere in Oklahoma for that reason, actually. Okay.

I swear. I am round seven. We are picking up Steam, Ryan. You are back to back here. Well, Spencer, you vacated the city of Philadelphia, so the Steelers are headed back. Yeah, this is where this turns into a wrist-boy. Reclaiming it. I will not, I will not belabor it here, but at one point, the Steelers and the Eagles swapped franchises, the owners, you should look it up. It's more complicated than I care to get into right here. So it's not that out of play here. And also, it's just funny to just be like, yeah, It's Steelers country now.

Wow. Okay, no, that's a good. That's a really solid pick. Holly, you are up next. So the Chicago Bears are wily. And they have looked north and noticed a great swath

of vacant territory in Wisconsin. But Green Bay is awfully far north and it's wet there, even when it's cold. I'm moving the Chicago Bears to Madison, but I'm keeping the name the Chicago Bears in the name of Chicago sports fandom. Is it all one word now?

Chicagoverse. The Madison Chicago Bears. No, they're just the Chicago Bears. They're just Madison. Okay. I was a Chicago sports fan. Where do you live, Milwaukee? So they're not the Chicago Bears of Anaheim of Milwaukee.

They're just the Chicago Bears. Or Madison. They're just the Chicago Bears. That's good. Next up. We have my pick for round seven. I am charged with rehoming the New York Giants. I am going to pick a place that I think spiritually and in terms of an overall ethos and even the NFL's business plan is an ideal fit for this storied franchise.

The first place that the New York Giants played football was in New Britain, Connecticut. They've never really managed to have a home for very long inside the proper environs of New York and have always played around it. So they need to go to a place, which is near a really big city, but not quite in it. In addition to that, I think that culturally we're going to have to have someone who really sort of matches the existing New York Giants fan profile, right? A lot of gel in the hair, right? A lot of thick accents. Very, very like, you know, Jersey heavy.

That's why I'm going to follow the inspiration of Jersey and of New Britain, and I'm going to relocate the New York Giants to Essex. That's right. Love Island's favorite working class berb Everything's better in Essex With the New York Giants from Essex Great, now you get to explain how sex works To Eli Manning

All right, mate No, we just put Eli Manning on Love Island I just realized he just did this to do his stupid British accent Totally And also to think about like how well Giants fans Would actually work in Essex Because it's right next to London Oh God, they're exactly the same

No, it's the same. I just actually just move them to a place that is basically Jersey but in England, but not the Jersey that's in England, right? Jason, you have the final pick for round set. I have the Miami Dolphins, the worst team, I think. Yeah, they're the worst team. Oh, my last two picks are awesome. I think I have the two worst teams.

Okay, so the Dolphins, according to TripAdvisor.com, the very first Google result. has to be the correct one. The best place for dolphins in America is Destin, Florida. So the Destin Dolphins it is. It might have been an ad, but they wouldn't take that money if it wasn't accurate. So I believe that's a big thing in the news about you can't, you can't, you know, you can't put an ad on the internet unless it's totally accurate. No fault with this logic. It's true. Destin Dolphins. We are coming down the stretch. You go back to back round 8. Jason, you are picking your final pick. Oh, the other

worst team in the Cincinnati Bengals, we are also moving them to Cleveland. We're just consolidating. Do we really need Bengals and Rams? No. No. Holly, you have the second pick of this round? That's funny. I heard Jason say he had the two worst teams, but I have the Saints. Well, yeah.

They're definitely better than the dolphins. So anyway, I... There's no evidence for that, Ryan. I'm not a cruel person. I want to keep the saints in the south. I want to keep them close to a town that's reliant on tourism. And all I ask is that

they suffer and be further away from me personally. So I'm moving them to Branson. That's tight. Yeah. Stay there. All home games. I have to pick the, let's see. Ryan,

you have the third pick. I am sorry. So my last pick is the... You almost haven't fucked this up at all. Almost. The team. totally near and dear to my heart. It's not true. Um, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. And while there were a lot of good suggestions for this one, um, my favorite is the one that to me is where we also kind of borrowed this idea. This is from at Frizzy as me. The suggestion is Montreal. You may recall

that the Tampa Bay Rays floated a plan in which they would play half their season in Montreal and half their season in Tampa. Now the bucks are going to do the same thing because it's funnier and dumber, so half the year they're playing their NFL season in Canada, in Montreal. I like this a lot. Thanks.

So, uh, pirate in French, it appears to be pirate. Pirte. Pee-Rae. P-Rae. P-Rae. Pirate. Peiray.

No, P-Rae-Rae. Um, I have to get rid of the Washington franchise. Oh, that's cool. we could just lock them off at the end. Yep. Yeah, I was, yeah, I was just trying to think of, you know, where I would put them. Like if your pinky toe was racist.

What if you just didn't have them? How many, let me be honest with you. Or let me ask you a question, rather. How many Washington fans are right now, if you just said, yep, we're folding? How many of them do you think would be like, no, don't wait? They'd be like, fair. Right? Like, wouldn't it be like, oh, Dobby is free.

Dobby has been given a sock. They're like, okay, so Dan's not. night or no longer has any control of me whatsoever yeah like that's great right right yeah it's it's a shoot the hostage move i was thinking about taking them to cutter because they just buy you know the world cup and things like that right but i don't think that would kill them i think you'd still get those guys from like raljohn maryland who just would do anything to like i'm on the wait list did you see that somebody interviewed hold on i got to go i got to go find him there was a guy who um i don't know if he was interviewed or not but he goes he flies up from florida for

every washington game and yeah and and and he was being regaled as like wow look at this legend who's just who's just you know believes so hard blah blah blah blah it's it was i i think though by the way you would get people like if i move them to peongyang a lot of nether similarities here, right? We'll show up no matter what. This guy's really tall, just like Danny Snyder. Here it is. So this tweet goes, the Redskins have gone a calendar year between home wins. They've been outscored by 61 points in four games at FedEx to the fans like Jeff from Florida, who I talk to leaving the stadium. I applaud you. Jeff lives in Florida. He flies in each Sunday morning, drives a rental from BWI to the field, and

flies back after the game. Jeff is definitely ferrying something to and between Baltimore, the Baltimore DC area and Florida. And how do North Korean embassy stay open? By selling drugs and contraband. This is perfect.

He's already there.