Shutdown Fullcast - THIS EGG ROLL ZIGGURAT HONORS OUR FOREFATHERS

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

This week, the gang teams up with the New York Times to bring that special Saw-puppet flavor to your holiday table. Surber's grand mashed potato plan is here to save Thanksgiving. We experience the long-awaited sequel to Night Ham: Unexpected Crab Rangoon and we found a Mountain Dew flavor even Jason won't try. Sick new merch available only at preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So this is from user Carl G. Anderson, no relation, as far as I know, but I'm going to call him Cousin Carl. On the latest full cast after dark, you were wondering about what makes David Shaw laugh. A few years ago, when I worked at Oklahoma, I got to go to the CFB Awards in Atlanta. Part of our trip included getting to go to the College Football Hall of Fame. Now, have you guys, has anybody visited the College Football Hall of Fame, like gone on the tour? No, I didn't do the tour. No, I didn't do the tour. I have not.

I'm attaching a picture here. Not sure if it's still there, says Carl, but there was a thing where you could design your own halftime show. Now, I'll send you the picture. And it's these video games that are set up like the old Pac-Man tables and they have a football field on them. And like, you can drag the marching band around the field with your fingers. You can have a mascot race. It's cute. It's this cute little kids activity.

And he said he walked by the hall. was open just for the award attendees and he's pretty empty and he walks through and there's david shaw just designing his own halftime show and laughing quietly to himself so i guess that answers the question he's like ah mascot races i hope i hope he had i love this i hope he had the stanford band perfectly spelling out boobs i hope that was the whole Or just having the Stanford band information at all, like, there is square. Ah, rhombus. Look at them.

They're all in the same uniform. That's weird. They're not throwing potatoes at the no-game crowd. He's just lining up 50 trombone players. Yeah. Right? Just, there you go. It's like, everybody make a fart.

Anyway, I, he, there's their photo of the exhibit that is, uh, that does not, you know, include. David Shaw, but I, uh, I really love this visual of him just, like, quietly chuckling to himself as he positions the Dr. Pepper Cans for the challenge. Like, oh, they're, they're really going to have to throw this time. If I could design my own halftime show, acid jazz. We're doing acid jazz for 12 straight minutes. This is why you're not in charge of things. welcome the University of Florida as they do their most baffling half-time show ever. Bitches brew by Miles Davis.

There was a recent high school jamboree for the marching bands here, maybe like a month or two ago. And it was a big thing because a lot of the kids in marching band here, you know, like haven't gotten to March in two years or so.

So they put on this special like maybe, I don't think it was at the Titan Stadium, but it was at somewhere decently big. And it was just like a series of marching bands going through and doing their shows. And one of the schools, and I won't say which one, because I don't want to throw them under the bus, decided to play original music. And, boy, was that a hit? Boy, was that an overwhelming? That's what people in the crowd want to hear.

Which is, that's on the band director. Don't do that to your kids. I have mentioned this before. Yeah, band directors getting out over their skis could be this whole disaster episode by itself. I will say one time where a band and I remember this to this day because they obliterated us so thoroughly

but there's one time where I've seen a band took a huge swing and it resulted in fucking flames when I was in high school we competed one year I was a junior or a senior and we were doing I think I was a junior and we were doing a fucking Beatles show

but which just made the contrast all the more stark when Science Hill came in and marched to Holst Symphony of planets Oh marching in 5'4 rules Yeah, first of all half it's 54

Second of all they had these huge custom round silks made up of like photo realistic depictions of Jupiter of Mercury right so by the end they had like a working solar system model

on the field with all the plant fucking sick Yeah, yeah, that is good. Anyway, that's the biggest swing I've ever seen. That's the most extra thing I've ever seen in a high school marching band do, and it was incredible. Go that way. Don't do the other thing. Yeah.

One of the other schools that this jamboree did Pony, and of course everybody. That's right. Give the people what they want. Yep. Welcome to the shutdowns to the shutdown full cast. to the internet's only college football podcast my name is spencer hall sometimes i talk about college football joining me as always introduced in expedient fashion uh jason kirk jason kirk what's going on uh i talk about college football as little as possible excellent also joining me uh holly anderson

hello holly okay how are all the people in star wars still normal human people but all the animals are super fucked up like where are the dogs and cats in the star wars aliens ate them like there's no gerbils they hadn't evolved yet there's no regular ass snakes seeing as it was a long long time ago i think the simplest answer is they just hadn't evolved yet but people had okay yeah there was that job of the butt rat i'm like you can have a british accent but no kangaroo okay yeah anyway please keep going I was just going to say that Woolkees ate them all because all I ever see Chewbacca do is just pick up random things and eat it. Ryan Nanny, how's it going?

I don't think Chewbacca eats anything in the entirety of the Star Wars films. He eats a porg. He arrives at a new planet, beholds an adorable species of animal. He tries to eat a pork. He tries to eat the pork. I'm pretty sure it's implied that he eats at least one. He puts one on a spit. Right?

He roasts one. Yeah, he roast one. And frankly, pork pork looks pretty tasty. Yeah. I think it's quite canon that she's. Chubaka exports. It eats. But that's it.

But Spencer's making it sound like wherever they go, they're constant, like a two-year-old crawling around trying to eat a remote control. They're having to constantly pull things. Chubaka, stop. Stop. Stop. No. Like a grown husky man. Wait.

Chewbacca, stop eating the thermal detonator. Stop it. We are trying to rescue your dad. Stop it. He wouldn't eat that because he's a competent ship. Yeah, he's a soldier. Ship. It's a man of fortune.

Captain. but as far as walking around meat-based life forms on planets, he's going to try them all. Good game, man. So when Yoda says good relations with the wookies I have, I always thought he was talking about like piggyback rides they give. But what if it's because Yoda is counting on wukies to eat everything of similar size that might potentially be a food chain adversary for him?

So I think it's half that and half, Yoda's taste fucking terrible. Nothing about Yoda is like, oh man, he'd look good. If you put him in a stew, no, fucking nasty. Yeah, when Yoda's idea of a perfect retirement plan is going to shit planet. Yoda looks like British food. And he's like fine there. Everything that sucks and looks like he went to, I know it's more crazy and they're the planet.

He did. And he fit in great. He went to, he went to Florida. Like seriously, he's like, I'm going to go to Fartz,ylvania. And that's where I'm going to live, is on the fart planet. But this is, like, it would be, Florida would apply if they were like, all right, Yoda lives next to Checkers. This is pre-air conditioning. We don't know that he does.

That stuff that he pulls out of the mini fridge kind of looks like it came from Checkers. His little meat sticks that are kind of lumpy. We don't actually know that their meat. That might be falafel. Yeah. But like the ability, like, someone's car is stuck in his front yard. that to me is very Florida. Star Wars is, basically what I'm saying is Star Wars is the opposite of Game of Thrones

or Game of Thrones is all like, let's talk about the food and the drink at great length. George Lucas is like, I don't know, you just smoke your breakfast and move on Jedi yourself to death. It's actually even more Floridian than a car because Luke gets a boat and immediately sinks it. What does he do? I can't get it out. And what does Luke do when he arrives? I got this shit. Hold on.

Once he gets there, he goes to find a cave full of fascists. Luke, I mean, George Lucas doesn't even understand how food works because Luke grows up. Where does Luke work? On a farm? What do they grow? Moister. Water. It's a moisture farm.

There's so many things about Star Wars that George just didn't give a shit about. I'm just hearing that, like, cooking what George Lucas is. You wonder what's on your farm? Dehumidifiers? The enemy is congestion. Like, there's one restaurant in, there's two restaurants in the Star Wars universe. There's the Moss Isley Cantina, and there's that weird fucking diner in one of the prequels that looks like a diner. That's like a Johnny Rockets in Star Wars for some reason.

At one point, Ray eats something that, like, you know, you dehydrate with a tablet. Sure, portion. Yeah, portion. Yeah. Portions. Yep. This is, I'm saying, this is a universe where the villains are British, so all of the food is definitely, if you want oppression and imperial tyranny, British food across an entire system of galaxies and star systems, that's absolutely. Like, what does great Star Wars bakeoff even look like?

I think, so George has said, essentially, episode four, the first movie is, it's an allegory for the Vietnam War, right? So who are the good guys? They have spicy food. The bad guys do not. This is how we distinguish. Thank you for, by the way, can I just switch Noel Fielding and Jar Jar Binks? as characters.

Can you put them both in space forever? Can I shoot both of them out of an airlock? Yep. That would be delightful. I think this is every saga, every major like multi-part saga, has some portion of the story background or lore that the creator is just like,

no. I'm not even going to fuck with it. No one will notice. What do they eat the Star Wars in the first? Lean pockets. They eat literally, lean pockets. were invented in the Star Wars universe a long, long time ago at a galaxy far, far away. And everyone eats them. That's where they're keeping the snack wells devil food cakes.

That's where they went. Yeah. They kind of looked like portions. That's where Vianetta went for a while before we reclaimed it. It tastes like it came from a galaxy far, far away. It does. It did not hold up. No.

Listen, carbonite freezing is not for everything, but it is for Vianetta ice cream treat. Sponsors of this week's spousy. No, I'm sorry. Hey, speaking of food and conflicting traditions. Fuck, we nailed it. We are going to play a game. It is Thanksgiving week. If you've never listened to our Thanksgiving episode,

please find Ryan's carefully curated disasters playlist on Spotify, helpfully labeled Thanksgiving disasters. This is in the spirit of Nightham. And we offer up Nightham not just because it is hilarious as a solution, but because the alternative advice is all bad. I don't use the word horrific lightly. But, fellas, it's time for us to take on the mighty New York Times again. Let's go.

And before I tell you what that holy newsroom has disgorged at us this week, I'm going to play a little game. From the makers of guacamole with peas. Let's take this round the horn. And the weapons of mass destruction are real. Oh, yeah, God, which one was... You know what? I know which one caused a bigger internet fight. True.

From Tom Cotton's personal blog, the New York Times. Exterminate the bastards by Tom Cotton. All right, you added to that mighty canon. All right, first of all, let's start with the hypothetical. Around the Horn, if invited to a holiday dinner, not your own, what items would you bring, if any, for? the host or for like say that you haven't been asked to bring a specific dish but items for the host for the table anything in in terms of a a host gift or a generic contribution to the meal uh Ryan what are what are your do you have anything in mind that you're just uh toting along with you to present at the door I'm going to do this um family feud style and I'm going to say a bottle of wine sure I feel like that's number one number two on the board sure sure sure show me Oh, God.

Show me below. Okay, so it's, okay, nothing is an option. Um, no, cash. Cash. Gift card. Okay. Okay. I'm going to offer you something that I know you're good at.

Show up with nothing but volunteer immediately to do the dishes. Okay. How about that? Everybody loves that guest, right? I'll be that guy. Jason, anything for you? It's going to be heavily context dependent. and one of the many pieces of context

is going to be, am I, or is Emily in charge of deciding what we are bringing? Sure. If it's her, it'll be a lovely dessert. And who knows what else, and many other things that I've said, like, you don't have to spend this much time making all this, and she'll have decided she really wants to. If it's me, it's going to be whichever 12-pack of beer

looked coolest to me that day. Great. That's a great choice. And I will not pretend that I will be bringing anything classier than beer because I do not lie to people like that. Server, you're invited to a holiday dinner with family and or friends. What do you show up at the door with, if anything? I'm tempted to say,

I'm tempted to say mashed potatoes specifically because a lot of people fuck those up and I want something that's good that I like. Brought your own mashed potatoes. These are for daddy. Wait, do you bring enough for everybody or is this just for you? No, I bring enough for everybody. so as to not make it weird, but clearly like I don't trust their mashed potatoes.

So I brought mine, but that's not what I'm picking. That's not what I'm picking. Is the bolt in your lap? If people want to come get it, do they have to take it out? I just scoop it out with my hand. There you go. Fix are opening the door. There's server with oven mitts and a hot pot of mess.

Oh, hey. Yeah, I just thought yours might so. Can you get a little frosting funnel to dispense it, right? Yep. Yep. What are you thinking of that? That's your amount. rest is for me.

Now you stack it all and I'll make you a shepherd's pie. Come here. This is a great strategy. There is nothing worse than like shitty mashed potatoes. Yeah. Here's the thing though. I wouldn't go to a dinner with anyone that I thought might have bad ones though. So that's why I'm not going to pick that.

I would pick so my grandmother taught me how to make these German egg noodles called Spetsla and they're really good with the gravy and I would bring those with some gravy. And that would be what I brought for them. Oh, damn. That's good. Wait, you're gonna make special as noodles, because mine made them like dumplings. Like same dough, but she cuts them into dumplings. Yeah, so there's that thicker dough style.

And this may be a Bavarian thing for my omah, but like it was more of like a batter type consistency. It's a little runnier, a stretchier, and you just kind of run it over this, there's like a special, like, tool for it. And you like put it over top of the pot and it's got a little holes in it and a box and you pour it into like the box thing. And you slide it across and it creates these. little tiny dumplings. Ribbon kind of dumplings, right? Like, yeah.

Not really like a ribbon. They're like, they're like, they look like little noodle drops. I don't know how to, they're like little drops of heaven. Ribbons are not the right work for them. Ours are always like a pizza roll shaped, but thinner. Yeah. Yeah, so that is a way to make them.

And I think it does have to do with regionality. Something tells me that maybe, um, like Northwest or, or, uh, central Germany. That's the way they do it because a lot of recipes. Alsays is the same. Yeah. Yeah, but, and even my grandmother's friend, Gisla, she made it completely different. I think she made it that way, and she was from Hamburg, but mine was from near Munich. So that might be, that might explain, but they're both really good.

It's just two ways to kind of get to a similar type of vibe. Holly, what is your answer to this question? Oh, I love, I like assembling my own bouquets. I'm going to bring a nice, I don't love showing up with flowers because they die off quick. I like showing up with, like, a bouquet that's got, like, a lot of greenery in it. Like, not showing up with a succulent garden or anything, but, you know, some Hyperican berries. So, depending, very seasonal, again, but I'll put together a largely green forward bouquet and show up with it. Okay, so we've got, we've got wine, we've got beer, we've got an offer to do a hated chore, and we've got a reliable go-to starch-based dish.

these I feel if we were family feuding this I feel like we would fill out the top five fairly easily now question two where would Spencer's initial answer of cash fall on the board let's not worry about that sorry just let's not worry about that let's not worry about that oh lord question two he said I just wanted to have a nice game please please sorry go ahead I just wanted to have a nice game fellas how would each of you react to the following situations occurring in your own home's holiday dinner Jason

start with you a guest walks in and hands you a three pack of tide pins and a bottle of oxyclean spray and said I thought you might need this yeah well I guess I would assume I was being called dirty Okay.

Spencer, say a guest arrives with their own set of takeout containers for leftovers. I don't think we'd let them in. Ryan, guest arrives, whips off their coat to reveal they're already wearing an apron and enters the kitchen declaring that they're here to help. Jesus. I mean, that's Felder. this is what this is no no it's not because feldner was raised by a mother but this is this is what i was i mean server has predicted my answer if it's a very particular person i welcome this and if it's anyone else i look at them like they're insane and trying to talented mr rippley me so let's go to the

two-part thesis of the new york times article published on november 17th by rose mara lorry Want to be the best guest at Thanksgiving dinner? Bring these three things. Here is her two-part thesis. As generous and thoughtful as it may seem to be to bring wine or flowers to Thanksgiving, you may be inadvertently assigning the host more work. She then talks about adding the stress of having to find a vase for the flowers or having to find an ice bucket to chill your nice wiesling.

Sidebar, I bring a bottle of wine. wine to dinner. I'm not expecting that wine to be consumed with dinner. I assume that that's already, like, been taken care of, and this is a gift for the house. But anyway. Yeah, you're contributing to future dinner. This woman's suggestion in place of wine flowers at all are show up with stuff to clean everybody's clothes from all the spills, bring enough takeout containers for everyone, or, and this is, hang on, I'm going to read this because they made this this is in the text, and then they made it a subhead in large text within the article. Upon arrival, hang up your coat, don, an apron you brought from home, stride into the

kitchen and declare, I'm here to help. I would kill this person. I think what is troubling me is that all of these, most of these, the Tide Pen one, I really can't, I can't get there yet. But most of these are, I think, are driven by. Mostly healthy impulses. Let's talk about the Tupperware one briefly. This is one that feels extremely New York specific.

Because in New York, everybody's got a tiny fridge. Right. People do not, like, I have done Thanksgiving in a New York apartment and just storing the food to prep for Thanksgiving, much less having, like, you don't want leftovers. Go ahead. What do you want to? Yeah. I'm so glad you said that because that is briefly mentioned, but it's just. The main justification for this is this also mitigates many hosts after Thanksgiving struggles of the guilt that comes from gorging on too many leftovers or allowing them to go to waste.

You got some assumptions about me. This is a lot of which I'm not familiar with. The notion of showing up for dinner and then being like, please give me two to three more meals to take home. I'm not even sure I would do that. I wouldn't even do this with my parents. Like almost all of these, if you just change the framing, to talk to them a day or two before and say, hey, would it be helpful if? But no, the apron thing is framed as a surprise.

That's insane. And it says, you have just become, here we go. Better yet, wear the apron under your coat so you can reveal it, Clark Kent style. You have just become a holiday hero. This is good because this means you're on the subway in New York and somebody's like, is that a motherfucker of an apron on under their coat? subway like a fucking flasher. What kind of

what's your perv is this? This is another New Yorkism thing because what the fuck is a coat, huh? I'm going to wear an apron over my hoodie and shorts combo. Fieldapparel.com I'm going to wear an apron with no shirt. I'm just going to go rolling

in like Marco Pierway. Yeah, if I put on an apron, it's going to be hot. So the Twitter thread that spawned from the posting of this article contains several helpful reactions. from readers. I'm going to pull three that I just love.

From O. Sally McMillan, who raises a good point. What do people think hosting is to the point that bringing flowers may tax your host? From Pat Blanchfield. This could have just ended and been fine with the sentence about wine, or it could have gotten great by getting into how weed might be cool to bring, too. Instead, look what happened here. Just look what you did.

I mean, let's assume that the points about flowers and wine are valid. I'm not saying they are, they are. But to me, it's like, if you bring flowers, bring a vase too. Oh, wow, you've saved this Herculean effort from your host. If you bring wine, bring red wine. Now we don't need to find this mythical ice bucket that is vexing us for hours on end. The thing about the apron in particular, this is written from someone who has never hosted Thanksgiving dinner. because if somebody came to my house for Thanksgiving wearing an apron and said,

I'm ready to help, I would look them dead in the fucking eye and say, you're a day late. You're a full fucking day. Yep. Yep. Is it possible? You mentioned that also because at the top, the host says, I used to be invited to many Thanksgiving dinners.

I assume that she means that she now makes them herself, but I would prefer to think that she doesn't get invited places anymore because she always shows up in a damn apron. Yeah. I think the... Like, where were you at midnight when I was chopping celery, Rose? The apron thing, maybe there is a helpful element here where you present yourself as sort of the

cook who is to blame for anything that went wrong. Oh, like the wicker man. You step in and you become the wicker man. Everyone is complaining about the watery mashed potatoes and you say, yep, I did those. Mark did it. The host did everything else. And instead of putting the beehive on your head,

you put the vat of mashed potatoes. And it's a reverse wicker man because everybody screams at you how to get burned. How to get burned. Don't worry. I brought some too, guys. It's fine. You Roger Gellick, right? It's not the owners.

It's me. The most helpful suggestion I saw from a user in the thread was if the host has children, bring an unsolicited, high maintenance, but adorable pet like a domesticated fox. Like an assolot. Yeah. Again, night ham. How night ham? Why don't, why don't people talk to each other anymore?

If you want to know what to bring to a fucking Thanksgiving dinner, just ask. Jesus Christ. But asking is burdening. We suggested on, or if you don't do any of these things, we suggested on Channel 6 space this past weekend from a user who wanted to know, how can I be a helpful uncle at Thanksgiving, volunteer to take all of the children outside on a walk or, you know, to play tag in the yard, or whatever. Or again, just do the goddamn dishes. Sure. Yeah.

Everybody loves the person who does the dishes. I think all these things are burdening. There is one other thing I think you could bring that people would fucking love. If somebody came to my Thanksgiving dinner and they were just like, I brought a shitload of crab rangoon, I'd be like, fuck yeah. Pop that shit on the table. Light it up. Who doesn't love crab rangoon? I got egg rolls.

Because, like, no matter when your guests are supposed to show up, nothing's quite ready yet. I will always welcome a hearty app. I've got to roll up with 40 egg rolls. I'm still like, see, now I'm going to build a small dam of egg rolls. Everyone just housed in them like. You help the kids build a Lincoln Logs cabin. That's right. Yeah.

As our pioneers did. This is my egg roll ziggarot. I've brought it to you to honor her forefathers. This turkey, a blood saccharacter. sacrifice to the ziggurat of egg rolls. God, New York Times. Fuck, this all, oh, it's all sucks so bad. I brought a shitload of hot Cheetos.

And once again, there are situations where, you know, someone is a, someone's children are, I know, I have friends who have kids with flower allergies or, you know, somebody is, is newly sober and you don't want to trigger them by showing up with a magnum of champagne. You communicate beforehand. And Tide Pen is the funniest one in retrospect. Tide pit is like, here, you messy bitch. It's not, it's, I don't read it that way. I read it as like, hey, I'm a messy boy and I'm a fucking table clock. I can't be trusted around surfaces. You just, yeah.

Oh, hi. Spraying you with oxyclean the second I walk in the. When you show up and you walk in the door with, like, you have an armament of cleaning stuff. First of all, like, you, do you think I don't have any? What are you starting to say that? But secondly is like, what do you think we're doing here? We're just going to eat food. Do you think we're going to have a fucking like,

there's going to be some light sex afterwards? Some light sex. Do you think we're going to like be cutting each other and stuff? We're not in Jacksonville. This isn't coleslaw wrestling season. This is like you're not going to a Gallagher show. You don't need to hand out ponchos. We're just going to sit here and eat is all we're going to do.

Okay, what if you brought ponchos to Thanksgiving? I'm just thinking about worse. things that you can bring. I don't even think of Thanksgiving as like a particularly messy meal, but I guess I'm not a huge gravy person, so maybe that's the issue. Yeah, we are, as previously mentioned, we are a non-gravy household, so this isn't an issue for us either, but cranberry sauce, stains like a bitch. I mean, we, we do gravy and cranberry sauce, and, and there is no need for tied pins.

Mostly, mostly, as, if I didn't ask you to bring anything, and I'll ask you to bring anything, and I'll ask you to bring something if I want you to bring something. Yeah. Don't bring anything into my fucking home. I don't. Thanksgiving already requires a surplus of ingredients, equipment, tableware, extra chairs.

There's so much, there's so much shit I need. Don't bring one extra thing, unless it's crab rain good. Would love that crab rain once again. I did see one other good idea in the thread, which was a woman who has a relative who always shows up with a fresh,

loaf of banana bread for the next day's breakfast and it's like just like stashes on top of the fridge slice it up for breakfast tomorrow you know who would you know who would have brought Tupperware to Thanksgiving

the original white pilgrims they 100% would have been like ooh yeah all this fish and deer looks really good we brought some to go for us here I brought you a blanket thank you

oh look you made stuff now it's ours in the tide pet in case you get it messy mm-hmm we really just send the biggest the case you get it messy The least fun people in the world

That's who's here I know we already talked about this regarding Ohio But just imagine trying to return Massachusetts For store credit After After 400 years of what we have done to it So I did think I did think about

You're talking about going in with your chef's outfit Right And storming I'm trying to think about how to make it weird Wait, you've changed it. Now, if you show up with an apron, I'm annoyed. If you show up in full chef regalia, now I'm on board. Speaking only.

If you're showing up in full chef regalia, I'm wondering if you're stripping. We, we miss your chef. If you have the hat, you're allowed in the kitchen. Even if we're just going to have you stand there. Yes, you must address me in Spanish as Petron only. See, Petron. No. I did have an aunt when my mom hosts.

Thanksgiving one year. We did have an aunt show up and say, hey, I'm just here to help. And my mom, who doesn't want to have anybody unhappy with her at any time and as a pleaser was like, sure, why don't you coming in help? All right? And she

walked right in, grabbed a whole stick of butter and threw it right on the peas, which were done and finished. And she took a whole stick of butter and threw them right on a pot of peas and just dropped a whole stick of butter on those things. And I've got to be honest, When I saw it happening, I was like,

fuck yeah, hit those pieces of that butter. Drop a bomb on it. Those things suck. This piece sound pretty good now. I was also horrified, but I was also like, well played. All right, we're having butter soup with a light vegetable for robes. It's almost like, it's almost like thank you for sacrificing. Thank you for sacrificing yourself for the good of the peas.

Also, keep in mind, if you're the kind of person who says, well, I'll just bring a nice bottle of something. alcohol you gotta know what kind of an environment you're dropping that particular rocket fuel into you can also show up with a bottle of like a delicious cider that doesn't have alcohol in it like there are variations like mountain dew there's yeah correct or holiday mountain dew yeah show up with a jug of shine has anyone here actually tasted the holiday mountain dew yet which one i'm scared wait wait there are multiple the fruit quake oh so this holidays the gingerbread one from last year when Jason tried last year.

It was horrible. It's not worth the sugar into whatsoever. I forgot about that. The fruit cake one I... It looks like the color is an accident. It takes a lot for me to say, I won't try the weird food. The fruitcake Mountain Dew is...

I would describe the color as domestic violence. It's like this purply red brown. Cool. It's like Mountain Dew. I ran into a door. Well, you also, I assume you have to buy this in like a case of 12 or something. You can't, oh, no.

You can't just be like, just a sip, please. There are single bottles. And the problem is if Jason won't try this one, I don't think we know anybody who will. Right. Like, the single bottle is still like three candy bars worth of sugar. Matt Brown, we call out to you through the ether. Try the weird Mountain Dew.

I don't know, man. You could maybe get my brother to drink it. This is like, I wouldn't even let Steveo try it. You know what I mean? Wow. No, we're cutting you off here. Okay. The point about be careful who you bring booze to the household of reminded me of in high school.

One of my best friends was Russian. And like his whole family was like very like leaning into the stereotype Russian. Like I went over there at like 16 and his sister's like, which vodka would you like? So he came. There was one year his whole family's out of town. So he gets invited to the Southern Baptist Kirk household. Oh. Walks in with like it was like really interesting looking wine.

I don't, I have no clue. what kind it was. It might have been imported. I don't know what it was. But it was like this fascinating bottle of wine. And he gets looks that, I don't know why he didn't anticipate this. But still, he got looks from my folks that made him say, like, I'm just going to leave this by the door. When do we begin playing Counterstrike as a family? Like, it was sad. But at least he got to keep all his wine. That's the good part, I guess. Yeah, sure. I guess I'm the only one drinking.

Cool, cool, late Mass Americans. And again, the best part is he was like 17 coming up with the pile of one. Why wouldn't I? Yeah. I mean, my honest answer, why I said cash was this, that if someone has... You wouldn't actually do that. Wait, let me stop for one sec. How much?

How much? How much? My house for Thanksgiving. How much cash am I getting? Oh, I mean, I'm going to show up with 100. Wow. Are you going to give me $100 $100 on Thursday?

Sure. Okay. Do you want $100? Yes. Holly, I don't care. We're going to follow up on this. On the next After Dark, the first question I'm going to ask both you and Spencer is, did Spencer give you $100?

Like, I am so consistent. I already in my pocket at this moment have $10 that fell out of his pants, just wandering through the house. Cool. So, yeah. That doesn't count towards it. It was in the laundry room. I don't know why.

I am forfeited. I am so consistently, I am at once so consistently ignorant of how I'm supposed to act around other people. Sure. If only there were clues. And too consistently aware of what an inconvenience it is to those around me that I just think I should pay people. But instead of working to change that, you just decide that. Right. Instead of doing anything about that, you just say, oh, I'm a real piece of shit.

That's lunch. Nope, 100. There you go. You know what? I think there are work. solutions to this problem again oh yeah so you think i deserve a hundred oh listen this is this is just a hundred's just lan yap okay so i should get more we can negotiate this i'm fine i'm doing a lot of cooking this week i know i know men will literally hemorrhage cash instead of going to therapy he makes

more money than me i mean yeah that's uh that's the gist of it up to 44 billion is the amount that's the high score so far yeah 44 billion spencer got a long way to go there so i'm not currently in therapy, right? I am. Oh. Yeah. No, you're not. Yeah.

There we go. Okay, it's not working. You're probably going to got $300 if he wasn't. Shit, I know. It's not working. I think painting meters counts as therapy now. Yes. Paging meters does count as therapy.

Yeah. Man, that's very true. It's very soothing. There is one thing I would bring to meditation. Thanksgiving if I were going to an Auburn household. Hmm. I bring head coach Lane Kiffin.

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Ole Miss director of player personnel or whatever last night? Yep. Shoot off at the mouth. In a very New Jersey way. Yeah. Oh, it doesn't have to go this way. It doesn't have to go this way.

You come here on the day my daughter is to be married in Stardue Valley. A lot of people know a lot of dark deeds that have been committed by certain peoples that would not have to be discussed if they remained in their position, yeah. If you missed this, this dude who used to work at,

who used to work at almost, and I missed this initially because I already had this dude blocked. This dude who used to be player personnel director. I think that's right. Who is now working at a car dealership or something based on someone who immediately found his LinkedIn because he does not have a very, he does not have a very anonymous name. And I can't remember it, so I won't say it here.

I'm not trying to cover for him. I just can't remember. He was making very open statements, but like, you know, certain people might not want to leave for jobs because certain things might come out. And somebody's like, dude, why are you doing this? And he wrote back, he was like, it doesn't have to go this way. You have seen way too much Yellowstone, the bad episodes.

Two things. Two things. Name one job that Lane has left that this hasn't been true about. And how has that worked out so far? I guess Florida Atlantic was relatively smooth, comparatively. No, I mean, name one place that Lane left where there weren't people who could have slung giant handfuls of mud after he left. Also, when he was at Florida Atlantic, let's have a reminder that on the record, he did an entire interview where he was like, one, yeah, USC, it was messed up. Two, he told everyone how much he made and was like, yeah, I'm in the hole, the Layla.

Like, that's, yeah, that's true. And also, those aren't scandalous. But, like, this is an example of the kind of like, I don't really give a fuck. Do you want to see my paystub? Do you want to see my text? My second thought to that point is that now I really want Lane to take the Auburn job because I want two different sets of message boards to be after this guy. Because he already has his own fan base after him.

And I want Auburns to also turn on him. The idea of having dirt on Lane Kiffin making you special is... Yeah, what? That's really a thought. Like, oh, you've been granted information that everyone else has. Crazy. As long as the state of Mississippi still has Brett Fulner, Farv, Kiffin's good.

Kiffin's good. Because whatever kind of hustle and scammery it's into, it doesn't compare on the athletic figure kind of scale to what Fav is into. So is it funnier if he, is it funnier if, as he said,

he doesn't take the job? And he's like, I announced it on Friday, that's not Saturday. Or is it funnier if he does take the job? It's funnier if he takes the job. It's absolutely funny if he takes it. And I do like the dancing around the very specific wording of the report that he will take it. Friday, never said I would announce it on Sunday. Yeah, the report was he's going to take it the day after the egg bowl.

Oh, yeah. So like if he takes it 25 hours after the egg bolt, then, oh, fake news media has lied to everyone. God, I want this to happen just because I want him and Bruce Pearl to share a day's. Well, like, I was telling somebody else's today. you have so far to go before you can get to the most outlandish lie somebody told about not leaving old miss for auburn like there is a lot of runway there's a lot of runway at this particular airport so to speak yeah yeah and at auburn's airport so to speak i mean i i think the only funny alternative to yes he takes this job is the timeline fits but he takes job x that we didn't even have on that basically this was the

The Lincoln Riley being like, I'm not taking the LSU job, and I'm insulted that you would suggest that I would because I'm taking the USC job. I got one more. I got one more. Yeah. He takes Auburn for 48 hours and then gets the Colt's job. I don't think I would take the Colts job. Just, okay, picking an NFL, picking an NFL job.

I don't know what's open. Right. Okay. Okay. I can see that being worthwhile. Okay, the actual funniest thing is he takes the Auburn job and then the Texas job reopens and he goes back there. I mean, there are worse ideas out there.

Oh, the worst idea is that he takes the Auburn job and then the Alabama job opens and he applies for that. I mean, we can keep going. The thing is, it's Lane. All of this is in play. Yeah. If this happens, and again at this point, it's just enough. Do you know who Auburn's first SEC opponent is next year?

I don't. Is it Ole Miss? It's a road game in College Station, Texas against Texas A&M. Lord, we haven't talked in a while. I've got something on my heart that I'd like to ask for. So is the thing there, like, Lane furthering Jimbo's, intransient misery like oh look how much I can move around

where you can't go anywhere I think that's right what if it's like palming a 20 to Jimbo at the postgame handshake and being like here kid buy yourself something nice it's also preface by Auburn's first three games of next year they host UMass they go to Cal and then they host Samford

and at this point Samford is probably the most dangerous team on that list but it feels very much like this sets up for Auburn starts 3 and O, entering college station, and everybody's, like, you can see these trains colliding, where here's Auburn that made this great hire and is back on the road to relevance, and here's A&M continuing to struggle with their boondoggle of a man, as they cannot possibly get out. A boondogle of a man. So A&M, meanwhile, will have achieved wins against

New Mexico and ULM most likely, but they'll also have gone on the road to play. a Miami that figures to be quite improved and that was not exactly an easy out for them this year. Right. And it could be two and one. And even if they beat that Miami team, everyone would be like, so what? You did that last year and you fucking saw it.

Your worst team and decades did that last year. Yeah. Yeah. Also don't forget that's a clown act. We got Jimbo, Jimbo's using, yeah, that's a clown act, having coaches in our league. Thank you. Echo the kind of stuff about Texas A&M buying their class.

that's true yeah so that's that's always there too go ahead and put on the wig if you beat them right like wait what what wig like just go ahead put on the clown wig on the sidelines right like old miss it's 27 20 time expires take the wig the cartoon Amazon four dollar clown wig right yeah that's like red blue and yellow and just pop that baby on walk right out I think so this the thought has just occurred to me that lane at Auburn is something I actively want, not just because it would annoy Nick Saban, but because the Auburn basketball fans shit poster mindset, there is no coach who would better fit that and make Auburn football as fun as Auburn basketball, fun in like

shit posty way, I mean, not actual good for you fun, then Kiffin because he'll just make refried memes along with the rest of them. Sure, why not? Just teach him how to like the worst free Photoshop clone he can get on his phone to make three minute memes, he'll join right in. Just 3,000 of them awake at any hour of the day

ready to deploy on message board, Twitter, Facebook, etc. As soon as Auburn beats A&M, what do you get from the fucking head coach's account? LMAO, you just lost to the Raiders worst coach, right? Like, he'll join right in on that shit.

It is going to be very special if in the span of, I don't know, what is it, three months. Auburn poaches Mississippi State's athletic director and old missus football. Mississary of coaches. Fuck the entire state of Mississippi. The state must unite to join forces against Auburn.

Y'all done built the wall on the wrong border. Auburn bought the water rights for the state of Mississippi. Why? Fuck them. That's why. I mean, they'd probably handle it more responsibly if the state government does. shit there's an argument that that's true huh

i am the protagonist of everything what a fucking stupid situation we find they're going to talk all this up then they're going to hire like jeff grimes from baylor right i can't stop thinking about this they're not going to follow through with it at all i have zero belief say it with me

Auburn head football coach Jim Jim grobe Jim grobe just find you so in sync what if what's going on here is a Mississippi media member intentionally publishing a faulty piece of reportage just to get Auburn fans' hopes up so that they're sad about whoever they hire. Like, again, a sacrifice, a self-sacrifice situation like the apron at Thanksgiving dinner.

He ran into the fire. Well, look, I mean, if you want, if you want a turkey fryer, if you want a coach who has SEC experience, who has has proven at multiple programs that he can build a winner who will absolutely give you like the style of like old school ground and pound football that you want Illinois is not going to match whatever you offer for Brett Bielma. Auburn, you can go get Brett tomorrow 100%. Hey, if you want somebody who can almost be Alabama, Butch Jones is right there. Actually, here's the thing. Illinois could match and exceed. They just won't. It's the most big

tent thing ever. They're like, we have $15 million a year for a coach salary. How much are we going to allocate? They're like, well, first, we say 30% of whatever we get pre-tax, because that's just sound. Over here. Second, we need $40 million in interest payments on a new lacrosse facility we just built. So that's over there. This leaves us $7 for a salary on top. So, Brett, you can have an extra $7. Meanwhile, SC schools are like, we take out a second mortgage on the dormitories. That's what we do. And legally, the students are responsible for that second work. We're going to sell the English department.

Yeah, we've taken a life, we've taken out a life insurance policy on the entire student body. Now, consider amortized to an average life. We're okay with that. Of 82 years, okay? This is a very long-term investment with very low risk. We can hide this tax-free here. Then, in a Shell corporation that we've built in the Caymans, which is itself, she held in a Bahamian corporation, which is then put in a Mexican trust, and then converted to cryptocurrency. this plan is very specific

I've been talking with Wes about how we can be shady boosters Okay cool The life insurance thing We're just going to like fake the death of 100 students And then we can afford Brett Bilema Who said anything about faking? I'm dedicated to this plan

Do you want Auburn to win or not? Parody account I think the good thing The other meaning is We already know Brett Bielma looks great in orange and blue Correct isn't that enough for you Auburn? Correct

What more do you need? Correct And it will still make another program mad in your division. It's just a different one. What is Brett Wilma require for himself and his family that Auburn doesn't have? Well, they got a Lowe's and they got a Jimmy Johns. I'm good. I'm good.

They got a culvers. The groundwork is laid. Bring the upper Midwest man home. They have a culvers already. God. Can you imagine Brett Bielma going at 30A? Boy, he'll be living. Imagine Brett Bilemma at Buckees.

There's only a few schools that can make that happen. They named a sandwich after me. They're like, they named a brisket after me. Illinois is giving me so much, guys. What can you offer me that Illinois can't? And they just lean it over the table and they're like, drunk on the beach, Brett, drunk on the beach. It ain't next door, but it ain't that far.

Bring him home to Metro Columbus, Georgia Oh man Bring him home to that panhandle and smelly water life Come on So get it So let me ask What I think is actually the trickier question in all this If Lane Kiffin takes the Auburn job

Who you go get if you're old miss Who was it that went down to coach high school Van Gorder? Yeah Yeah Okay. Now, what brings that on? Oh, I was just thinking about the beach and how we got to remove some coach matter from the beach if we add some coach matter to the beach in the name of conservation.

Sure, it's like the leave a penny, take a penny of college coaches. Man, I know. What is the move here? I know job one. I know who I go after. Jamie Chadwell. I go to Coastal and get jane. Honestly, I think he can hold out for better.

I think he can. I think he can. be my first go is to go either to i would go to jamy chadwell matt campbell i'm still i'm sorry i'm never going to be off the matt campbell drum that would be matt camp matt campbell's matt campbell is matt campbell could do better too i know yeah but i i also might have stayed too long i also think without opining whether matt campbell is a good hire in an objective sense it feels like Matt Campbell is the prime example of reasonable hire you could make that would immediately piss the fan base off, that would immediately have them all being like, we trade it in the lane trade for this lame son of a, look at him. He looks like it reads books and drinks water. Yeah. Those would both be objections, I agree. A good hire, the man has a winning record at Iowa State. And because he is such a good coach, we have lost sight of how unlikely it is to have a winning record after.

any amount of time at Iowa State. And like, you know, this year it's going rough, sure. But looking at computer ratings, like by far the best. It keeps losing one score games. They are disappointed. They're by far, they're by far the best four-win team in the country.

And like, that's L.O. Mayo, that's what a bad thing to be. It's, when you have a season in which everyone gets 12 games, you have to view something like, I'm looking at the computers right now. They've lost six. They're one spot.

Apollo Auburn, okay? They've lost six games by 24 points combined. Their biggest loss is a 14-point loss to Oklahoma, which they had to turn the ball over three times to none for the Sooners to even get that wide of margin. It's like they're just in a movable object, and if they nudge a little bit this way, they're a 10-win team,

and if they nudge a little bit this way, they're a four-win team. This team is basically the same team as Auburn, which is constructed a four-star material. Iowa State is, there are no stars. The sky has been blanked out. And yet, they have the same team as Auburn. So in this hypothetical scenario where Ole Miss goes higher Matt Campbell, yes, everyone would hate it, and it would be just fine.

The other problem you would have with it, though, is if, I don't know if this is true, I'm just guessing. If Lane goes to Auburn, the transfer portal exodus is going to be serious. Like, I have to imagine he is taking up to- old miss roster going to auburn is the is the biggest reason i want this so now if you hire matt campbell the pitch is don't worry he's bringing his his clones crew with him and it's like oh this is sounding worse by the minute to an old miss yeah also can i just say that if you have okay so now we're no but this is this brings up an interesting new paradigm in terms of coach hire it the we're entering the

who all going to be their age right yeah like so now you're shopping you can shop not only for a coach but you can shop for a roster. Yeah, but also at step one, if I look at Matt Campbell and I go, well, we're going to have to work and get you up to like SEC gangster level recruiting, right? That means I have Matt Campbell, who is one of the most Ohio-looking dudes on the planet, who's like, I'm very serious at all times. I have never smiled once. All I do is focus on X's and O's and football and recruiting players all day long.

Is there a chance that could catch on with a, like in the breakup mindset of, Well, we don't need lame. We need to find ourselves a nice man. Well, maybe, but you still need to introduce him to whatever boss hog, like, absolute scoundrel of a recruiter you have getting everyone in the boat for you with NIL, right? So at one point, we take very serious Matt Campbell and we're like, hi, here, you could meet, you could meet a shaky knees McGillicuddy, our recruiter. And he's like, hi, everybody.

Hey, nice to meet you, Matt. I'll be down to Biloxie this weekend. I don't see it happening. Like, that's. How did shaky knees make his mouth? money in fraudulent medical devices. It's a surprisingly booming market. This is a placebo effect.

Do not put it on your knee. There's a verified placebo effect when you purchase a medical device that is specifically marketed as fraudulent. You buy this medical device, which you require the use of another medical device to overcome the medical device that I just sold you. And then a third booster of ours sues the medical device company for the fraud, and we all make money in the end.

And then we buy footnote. ball players how did we get through job searches in the SEC and medical device fraud and Hugh Fries's name has not come up once no that's a guy's really falling off man he'd be number one if they could like he would be number one if they hadn't already done it that is dead serious I only have one other serious name for this yeah and it's one that I would always say he had a medical issue that forced him to leave the job that he made his bones and reputation at but if he wanted to I mean and he worked in the area and is an incredible football coach and maybe too good for them if I'm talking about like a lot of

circumstantial stuff. Bill Clark. Man, I fucking love this so much. God. He rules. He does. I'm taking the Lord's name in vain because I'm just, man, that guy deserved better in so many ways. I was worried you were going to say a Brin Meyer because that is also, we are also in that phase where like every open job. I understand being surprised that this went in a serious direction. Again, I have, I have the other guy not to take this job and to not even offer or ask. All right.

Dave Miranda at Old Miss would be the worst goddamn fit I can actually imagine. He likes Baylor. You never fucking know. It's true. But a guy after a lawsuit goes, well, we need a lot of introspection. No. Any Baylor game? I'm going to go home and journal about it. Matt rule. No.

Absolutely. The announcers are. any Baylor gamer like this this guy was like quoting Cicero to us I don't know how this works except guy is not the noun that they would use the quote the quote I got from a room full of analyst and ESPN who had all met with them have been like real nice guy real great he's weird he's weird yeah but we know what they mean by that yeah just he's the kind of guy who I'm not fucking I'm not mocking him to be very clear I'm not mocking him I'm saying like this guy is honest about his shortcomings in his process and that freaks us out correct he's a human being he has read a book that's not a playbook we're still within shocking and disturbing i would say though we are still within

the window where old miss has has had a good old boy coach in the last like five to seven years so they're still traumatized by the shortcomings of said old good old boy coach right like hey we need a man like matt luke old miss people could be like whoa whoa whoa whoa what happened to matt loo whoa slow down on that wasn't he on georgia's staff for a period special teams coordinator right let me how many of those do they have been right yeah oh man most recently

served as ooh yeah they so there's still you could probably please look at Matt Luke's Wikipedia page go right now look at the photo look at the photo look at the photo Matt Luke folks you could do this at home

first day of school that is that is the most Rick Scott looking photo that I have ever seen a photo a football coach take we're the same age he's 46 no now I know oh my god Matt Luke is Matt Luke is the opposite of date he's the

anti-David Cutcliffe yes he was he was sorry you're close he was the assistant head coach and O-line coordinator O-line coach rather at at Georgia last year but he stepped down he's doing the family time

thing yeah good for him yeah um yeah i mean i feel like i feel like the move that will first happen is old miss will go through the list of well we just got poached so who what other SEC coach can we try to steal away instead clarkley he's on an SEC winning streak so i can't talk shit about him two in a row baby two in a row's the streak i can't talk shit about him at this point um shame beamer would love to see an aggressive push for Shane Beamer? Yep. Would love to see an aggressive push for Mark Stoops.

I think that'd be great. Wow. I'm just, I'm not, I'm just, I'm thinking about the universe we live in now. The man did just get yet another raise. So possibly the push has already happened. Wait, is this still off this, is this still off that automatic kick in his contract

thing or did they give him another one? No, this was a new extension, I believe. Okay. Doesn't he have like an extra year every time he hits seven? I think he has one of those deals, yeah. But this was also like a new deal they signed before they lost a vendor. A new deal, huh? Yeah.

I'm against it. Spencer, who's the athletic director at Texas A&M? Ross Bjork. Where was he before he had that job? He was at the University of Mississippi. You think it's possible we could do some sort of sign and trade deal where? we sort of take it that most sacred festivals

toy lot of thought let's call it a distressed asset and we move that off A&M books what are you doing selling me Ross what do we think about that as an option I like it especially because it does my favorite thing which is saddle old this with a massive pile of debt

because no this is this is just the thing not this you can't you can't do it that way because A, I don't think Old Miss can take on that level of debt, and B. No, Jim, Ryan. No. How dare you say that we cannot get a bunch of businessmen in Mississippi to take on a massive level. Challenge, accept it.

But I think, look, you see this in pro sports contracts all the time where you're like, okay, this player is getting traded, but his original team still has to pay like $5 million of his contract. why couldn't and there's probably a legit reason why but i'm not interested in that why couldn't a m say all right if you take jimbo off our hands we will pay 20 million of the contract but you have to take on the rest and then you do whatever you want you want to keep them there forever great you want to take our uh pretend future national championship plaque have it you can have that with the deal as well oh i love this why can't we sort of say let's sort of split the burden that is Jimbo Fisher's coaching contract. Ryan, you ever wanted to be an athletic director?

Yeah. I think it's some smart shit. Thank you. Thank you. Who should we, where should we put Ryan in as athletic director? What if AM and Ole Miss simply do the trade now preempt Auburn, go ahead and lock it in. There's no way Auburn's going to outbid A&M for Lane. Maybe you can outbid Old Miss, but good luck outbid an A&M.

They're fucking crazy. So you screw over Auburn You get yourself a coach Who has won a national title Believe it or not kids And can recruit It knows people who can recruit Sure, it's true

And you pair up You pair up Lane With the actual talented A&M Which is the people who are paying those recruits I see the vision I see it Wow everyone's happy Except Auburn

Which is what makes Ole Miss happy And us that's a good plan crude oil by the way I'm looking at the current price of crude oil price of crude in the Permian Christ of crude and the Permian let's see oil futures are

they went down a little bit but we are still overall up over up so I think we're good on continuing to spend please remember that to people at Texas ANM are of course personally engaged in responsible finance and have certainly not spent all of that money

already and borrowed against future earnings. That's definitely not what people in the petrochemical industry ever do. They've all done this. No. If it goes down a dollar, you're dead. All right. So I like Jason's plan.

We've now swapped Jimbo for Lane with some cash moving to help grease the wheels of commerce. This also would make Lane's Twitter statement still true if we do it now. But now we just saddle, now we just saddle Old Miss with Jimbo, correct? I think, look, they're all rich.

There is that period of time where, A, first of all, Jimbo can most years reliably get you eight wins. And that plays differently at Old Miss than a dozen A in him, right? At this point, I think so, yeah, because you're not going to bring him in and hand him championship trophies to be filled in a year later, right? At all miss, you're going to know, let's not set the expectations sky high. right let's say hey we like going to bowl games five out of six years that's the standard here at olmiss and this guy can get us there um jimbo will jimbo sometimes benefits from a new and fresh environment he can give you like a couple of years like hey this thing's getting turned out of making him sound like a turtle is he not just a super rich is he not a super rich turtle do you know

who i just realized he looks like this has bothered me for years you know that turtle and never ending story Correct. Absolutely correct. 100% correct. Yeah. So his offense in number of plays currently ranks 115th. You're telling me that's not a turtle? Excellent point as always. Thank you all for keeping me honest.

That sounds like a man who can bring back Old Miss to like old school football. Excuse me. Plays per game 120th. That's good. God, that's so little content. That's a frifty. You know what? Y'all talk about his salary being exorbitant. That's frifty football.

I think you misjudge the man. Listen, with Lane Kiffin, you have to worry that if you don't break down the tailgate in time, you might miss a touchdown or two. Jimbo's not going to do that to you? Absolutely not. Jimbo wants you to finish your chicken fingers. Jimbo cares about the fan experience. That's right.

You show up 10 minutes late. You leave for the entire fourth quarter. You've missed like seven plays. Let me pour you a julep. Relax. Sit down. If we've successfully executed this swap. Enjoy this chafing dish full of macaroni and cheese.

And we have taken, if we have taken Lane Kiffin and Jimbo Fisher off the board, Spencer, where does Auburn go from there? Who? Or just writ large. Like, Lane is the only name that seems to be consistently getting any heat. If that doesn't happen,

whose choice be? I think the choice, like, I'm going to be serious. I think it's somebody like Jeff Grimes at Baylor, their offensive coordinator, who's going to be like very much a Sam Pittman model where you go, here's a guy.

It likes being here, pretty good at his gig. Expectations are currently at Glass is three quarters full and not getting any higher. Let's just chill. We know this. Here's a guy. Now they've done this before as in Brian Harsen. But that was a guy with no connections whatsoever to the program

who spoke none of the language and was like, you know what? Recruiting is for bitches. What are Jeff Grimes' connection to? Auburn that he was that he was there for like three years a decade ago yes yes that's it that's more than brian harsen to be okay Holly what were you going to say you know the thing where you fire your offensive coach and you go hire a defensive coach yeah what if Auburn in an attempt to zig where others have zagged went to hire another iconic class coach who would piss off everybody in the

building and called Tom Herman like what if they decided to have the same set of problems all over again. I mean, it's, it's a very, just to be different. There's like a little bit of like, we are the home for prodigal sons. I don't hate this idea now that I said it out loud. It looks like everybody else does, but I don't. Sorry, I don't even know why I thought that was funny. You know the fun the funniest name.

The funniest name and a guy who I think would definitely lose it. Okay. wrong. I have this second one of your say. He goes in and he's like, y'all score too many points. The old booster's

going to be like, Nick Saban's like, this guy gets it. This guy gets it. It suddenly becomes the most genial rivalry. I do think Saban views the dues as like a man of purity, right? A man who didn't sell out to modernity by agreeing to score points.

Like he's who I should have been. He bows before him before unsheaving his sword. He's like, I hate to kill fellow man of the cloth, but if I must, I must, I'm going to do it by scoring the touchdowns we both hate. Lots of them to be clear. In the samurai film, he's the one introduced by the school tru and going, who is that weird old man up there with the sword? And they'd be like, some say he is the purest of all the monks. The doos. The ron, the ron with no black stain on the watering dews. Wow. Wow. The doos. Yeah, that's, no, I had the second

funniest answer. Thank you. The funniest answer I have is James Franklin. Oh boy. He's shown he can win in Auburn. How many times? Dude, we've already seen an omen after Ryan, I forget where you're here, when you called, remember when you called Penn State Unlicensed Auburn? Yeah. I forget if you were here, but I was on the,

I was in Opelika last week, driving to pick up that foster puppy and I passed a house divided Penn State Auburn vehicle. Listen, all I need is this. I need James Franklin, end-of-game management against Nick Saban and just looking at the look at his... Against Nick's utter snake. But, you know, watching Nick just have a moment of his pure, stupid,

in-game bad fucking luck against James Franklin fucking it up. Intentionally, I have to assume it's intentional at this point because he keeps doing it and he's not stupid. Yeah. I like my... That's a... Yeah. My criteria for all Auburn hires is what annoys Alabama the most.

And this is one where I think it does the magic thing. we're going to noise Auburn and Alabama equally because like Franklin is verified and excellent coach once if you if you the definition of coach is all the things that go into the job right not just what happens in the final 30 seconds of a football game but the other 99.9% of the year James Franklin is excellent right just because of the comedy that occurs in high-stakes scenarios um and the way those things tend to favor Auburn, this really might be the best move. So here we go.

Here we go. I'm going to keep selling it even though I know that y'all are in the boat. I'm going to make sure that you are in the luxury cabin with your feet propped up, someone rubbing them, and champagne in hand by telling you all of the following things that I think make James Franklin work. One, a mysterious collection of quarterbacks who could both be described as talented but not elite, erratic and charming, this describes. James Franklin would have had bow Nick.

What more do you want? Correct, correct. You see the vision. Outstanding running backs, all right? Like brilliant skill players who occasionally are used as they should and then sometimes disappear completely. This is perfect. This is exactly what I want out of both Auburn football and Penn State football.

I'm going to continue going here. Reliable, intimidating defense across the board, sometimes let down by Baffling game management and erratic offense. I was going to say, I was going to say like a, a. a resilient defense that is good for at least two FARC cloud games a year. Correct.

At least two like, yeah, we gave up 45 to pit through the air. We were all angry. Narduzzi hated it. We decided to take away the thing the opponent loves. Exactly. Tell me this doesn't fit in the end, too. When you have like Auburn Miss State, they're like,

yeah, we're going to cruise by 30 over Miss State. And Mike Leach is like, 70 on the board. The defense is like, I don't know, we were really full. That's it. We ate too much before the game. There's one more element here. Yes.

I have one more as well. What is yours? The constant feeling of roster mismanagement, no matter what choice you make. No matter what choice you make, it always feels like the wrong choice to everyone else. That's just it. That's the croutons. That's the croutons on this big business salad. Exactly.

Someone who goes to the entire program comes out, goes into the NFL and they're like, yeah, he's an all pro fullback. And he's like, it's weird. At Auburn, he was playing punter. Yep. And he didn't even start. it didn't even start it's fucked up man back up hunter at auburn war eagle uh the the last thing would be this just to get that little special james franklin element which also is in harmony with a auburn's traditions as a program and a people

end game shenanigans unlike any you've ever seen there will be a moment when auburn head coach james franklin in the iron bowl up by two by three points okay to kick an extra point with a minute and a half left okay decides to go for two yes he'll do that. He'll do that. And when he makes it and at the end of the game, they're like, why did you go for two there? He will say the one thing that Auburn fans want to hear in the wake of victory, which is this. It's a God thing. It's a God thing. I think this is an unfair characterization and this is why. I don't think James Franklin limits his baffling decisions to just end-of-game situations. You are just as likely to be like, wow, James Franklin kicked a field goal from the

two-yard line in the first quarter as you are to see some shit. at the end of the fourth quarter. Like, there are sprinkles of it throughout. He doesn't, it's not perfectly coached game, and then, oh, shit, I ran out of gamer fuel and I totally ran off the rails. Get that man some hot Cheetos. You will see.

You will get some bullshit as you go. You also get to enjoy Auburn, let's face it, you love being paid attention to, right? Like, you love starring, you love being the main character of college football. Well, in James Franklin, you have a coach who is always up for every job, but is never up for any jobs.

How much would you love that? You would love that. Every Auburn broadcasts they're talking about it's his first game, and they're talking about whether he's going to leave you for USC when Lincoln Riley gets an NFL job. You would love that shit. Right, right.

In a way that I think Penn State doesn't, like I think Penn State is like, Jesus Christ, this is Tyerson, but I think at Auburn would be like, you hear you turn down the Bears job? That's right. Hell yeah, we're better than the Bears. Right, because like Penn State,

you sort of have this thing where you have to pretend you're like a top five destination dream job for anyone. Well, you're used to constancy and there's that, yeah. Stability. And Auburn's like,

we're not used to that at all. And Auburn, you know you're not a destination dream job. Yeah. You know that and you accept it because there's one down the road. Yeah. Also conversations between Bruce Pearl

and James Franklin where they just make statements at each other. You have a guy who thinks way too much about things outside of sports and a guy who does not think about things outside of sports this is the most nightmarish model UN you could possibly

I don't think they would use these words but it's like they would just be that's crazy manning past one another yeah because that's what champions do hey I got a new deck have you seen the new Genesis coop

it's real nice it's got 350 horsepower it's a lovely day out like yeah just statements that make no sense going past each other. Just like two sims. Yeah, two sims. Just throwing out random. Who have been programmed to talk, but not to interact.

Yeah. Did that, did that one of just have a Palestine flag over his cloud? Just emoji word clouds and one of them is like way too geopolitical. The other one's just like ice cream. Yeah. Also, can you not imagine the James Franklin approach to football propaganda flying at Auburn where they say things like five street Super Bowls with an Auburn or you know every Super Bowls had an Auburn player except for five of them yep and the Auburn family stuff that

would make James Franklin just like weep openly weep whether you're supposed to or not just day one it's all it's so affecting being here at Auburn part of the Auburn family he would say it so much even Auburn people would be like you don't have to say it literally he'd run out on the field covered in toilet paper he'd be so excited I'm too immersed myself Fuck, I think I want this more than Lane Kiffing getting the job. I think this is better, frankly. And then Penn State, you go get Dion. Oh, obviously.

Just, just, you know, all that, all that trying to be Ohio State stuff and, you know, like trying to be a little bit Michigan shit. No, just, we're going to get a shitload of players is what we're going to do. That's our plan. I would love that. I would love for Ryan Day to be putting in 19-hour days. And we're Deion, who works perfectly reasonable seven-a-half, eight-a-half-hour day, and it's like, yeah, I'm going home. If Dion walks in day one, like, we can't afford logos for the helmets, that's done.

We're getting a logo on the helmet. We're putting our names on our jerseys. If Penn State hires Deion Sanders, the proud boys are not coming there for concerts anymore. This is a real two birds with one stone's kind of situation. That'd be great because D.O. would be like, why is the helmet all white? Be like, oh, shit. Is that racist? I think maybe, oh, fuck. And maybe it is. I mean, there's probably an origin story where it is.

Yeah. Somewhere in the lore, it is, I bet. PJ Fleck would challenge it to a race. They're like, Dion, come on. He gets hurt. Mr. Boat. Mr. Rowe the boat. Mr. Boat.

Mr. Boat is his first name. Did he do that just lose a polar bear thing? Wait, what, Dion, what? No, he's talking about PJ Flack, right? Yeah, Flak, not D. No, you said Dion lost toes. No, no, no, I think Dion lost some. I don't know who's talking about flat now.

Huh? Sorry, I got distracted because Spencer said Dian lost toes. Like bad boys mower lost toes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he had two toes. Like frostbite. He had two toes. Oh, yeah, he had blood clots. Oh, God.

Two toes amputated. I bet he could still win. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think even with two toes amputated, Dion still smoke and PJ Fleck. He could lose all his toes. He'd be fine. Yeah. Just walking out of hands down.

That's the other thing. PJ Fleck is going to try to get every one of the jobs we just named and just not, no. Yeah, is he one of those guys? We talked about Matt Campbell, kind of like sort of be in. stuck. And I mean, I don't want to say stuck, but there's not a whole lot of momentum there, right? Well, Matt Campbell, I get the sense

and I don't know anything, I'm I don't know anything, so this may not mean anything, but I get the sense that like Matt Campbell is not grasping for any job that is a step up from Iowa State. Yeah, yeah. PJ Fleck like basically

all but got Oregon tattooed on his chest when that job last came open. and and like didn't even seem to get a little bit of traction. So like I think that there is a difference there in like wanting it and also probably I suspect those are two very different interview rooms. Let's put it that way. So a few moments ago we solved for the problem of A&M. I think let's start all the way over because Fleck, there's a guy who does the most,

does things he doesn't need to do. It just should dial it down a notch. Doesn't need to do all that shit, right? Doesn't need that many traditions. Now we're going to take all that shit and we're going to stack it on top of A&M's list of shit they do. Look at all that shit being done by P.J. Fleck, A&M head coach. That's so much shit.

Like, every day is a full itinerary of shit nobody needs to do. ESPN's going to love this. It's going to be like, we love A&M games. It's like an extra 45 minutes worth of commercial. So much content. A&M comes with lore. PJ Fleck comes with lore. lore.

Yeah. Right? The two of them, we got a whole content universe. The lore is not based in national championships. That's important. That is correct. None of those in a long time.

We're going to teach the dog how to row. I don't think that's a... I'm going to teach her. There's no water anywhere, man. Make a lake. Ro the lake! I love us. Let's see.

Minnesota or A&M more recent national title I think Yeah, it's Minnesota Whoa Yeah Double in fact Yeah Minnesota was like what Minnesota was what

41? I was gonna say like 41 and 40 Okay A&M sliding in and 39 That's it If you want a national title When a Jode was alive

It just doesn't know Lord That should You know what it should be you should have to state how many states existed in the U.S. when you last won a national champion.

Who did you beat? How many states did you beat? How many territories were there instead of states at that point? At any point was somebody notified of the championship via a telegram? Correct. Or just somebody running off a train.

Yeah. Did you hear? Three weeks ago, Texas A.M. won the national title, sir. I've seen the smoke way up the tracks. Imagine how much. mad nick save it would be if he had to take a fucking train to a game

well we have to get on the train that's going to take 11 hours train D's just 11 hours just angry Nick save it on the train game cost me seven weeks of recruiting I got to put the old line all in one car and it's just a big fart box in there

that's fucking Jesus Christ it's terrible if that happened we would have had like actual um hyper train technology centuries before we don't have it fuck that's true if it if it had been a football problem yeah we would have had that shit instead of interstate yeah we would have been like we got cold we got cold fusion trains we invented them in 1973 it was fucking amazing because it was a problem for fucking newt rock knee so we solved it everyone else still has highways but there's Shinkansen level bullet trains between Athens, Tuscaloosa, and Pat Roos.

The SEC hyperloop. But I want to go to Atlanta. Fuck Georgia Tech. Absolutely not. You want to go to Atlanta? Well, you shouldn't have taken up coaching a Mississippi school. Oh, wait. We don't have a direct route there.

Shit, we played the championship game there. All right. They can have one train. Coach Saban, this goes through a fragile ecosystem, an orphanage, and a children's hospital. Just do it. Put it right through there. Do you want to win or not?