Shutdown Fullcast - This Episode Powered By GameCube

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

SHOW NOTES - A new and interesting form of Haint sends our heroes fleeing en masse to Jason's outdoor podcasting lair. Ryan isn’t even here so don’t blame him! - ROSS CHASTAIN APPRECIATION HOUR is held - We Made A Church (Tumblr is our Lascaux Cave) - Please let Holly die, playoff committee - Jason continues our perilous journey down the spiraling path of worst possible bowl scenarios - Visit sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the Shutdown Fullcast. You are listening to the Internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall. It's very easy to introduce everybody else on this. mission with me because they are all in the same spot right here at this one table to my left is Jason Kirk wearing yes the big sky conference sweatshirt the finest college football conference in the land you're goddamn right it's a big big sky that's a garbage truck shouts out to that garbage truck working hard everyone is getting a chance to see what it is like inside my studio this is the first time we have ever done this particular setup so we were very excited today to bring you some extremely high choice audio to my right is Holly Anderson hello Holly

hello leaf sounds leaf sounds leaf sounds guy with a blower wherever you're outside in America standing atop half dome in beautiful Yosemite someone's gonna crank up a goddamn leaf blower right next to you because somebody's grass has too much nature on top of it that's a problem that we need equipment to solve loudly I like when you see somebody just blow in pavement there's no leaves on there anything when they start there's just driveway is dusty like like your fucking car's going to get stuck on the polygons or something my car my car was rendered in the game cube i need to blow the driveway there's too much the collision

detecting has turned way too up in the simulation just drive over the fucking leaves so if you hear any extra noise today it's because we are all in jason kirk's ambient uh high-fi studio here i like this better than our setup because there's nature in it it is beautiful yeah yeah we got we got my um As you can see, my lawn care strategy is of the annihilation variety. We're like, whatever nature wants to do, it's cool with me, man. It was here first. I'm into this. I'll walk into it and I'll come out like some sort of fearsome hybrid bear man.

Yeah, either that or, you know, like a flower lady. Sure. Yeah, there'll be a VHS tape in my intestines. It'll be amazing. That shit was awesome. I'm going to watch that movie. So what brings us here together? together today like the the the the fulcast readership loves hearing tales of audio adventure so

audio adventure today was you know the haint is known for being an important cast member of this podcast the haint has created some of the most innovative audio in sports podcasting we never know when it will strike we never know how it will strike we never know what the exact variation of calamity and inspiration will be today was particularly special because i was working down in my office at 11 a m when i heard a sound not unlike a gunshot and i thought well being a moron i'm gonna go investigate that then the power went out and i said now i'm really curious someone shot my power yes someone someone shot the outlet i seen the bastard what shot the power I'll drop the power

With them Driscolls No Driscoll's getting after it So I went up and walked down the street And one of my neighbors said Yeah, there's a power line down And everything's on fire And when somebody says everything's on fire And they're in their 80s

You probably want to look because they've seen some shit So I went and walked the dog down there And there was a wire down in a driveway a couple of houses down from mine belching flame like that electrical fire evil phosphorescent white just coming out of the line and 20 people staring around at it so fire ass fire was it fire as fire it was a definite uh conflagration of some serious degree but it knocked out the power to the house so we all had to convene here at uh rancho kirk so would Would you say this was an electric, more electric type or fire type, the emergence of this ghost?

This ghost was definitely fire type with an electric accent. Okay. Right? So a fire type ghost in Pokemon terms, that is a litwig. It's a cute little candle monster that can evolve into a chandelabroff monster. In an electric type ghost, we're looking at a, I scroll past it, it's called a road. Tom it's it's it's less cool actually no holy shit I've never seen this thing it turns into fucking lawnmower yeah no it was definitely the rotom that's okay so we

got an electric type ghost here yeah looks like it comes with its own little jaunty theme song yeah with lots of I've never seen this guy before at one point he is a microwave with claws same I've all been there I will I will state this that the funniest thing that I did see out of this was a cop car parked across the road blocking the open flame belching power cable sitting in someone's driveway and watching one of my neighbors

simply drive through it. Just simply drive through the blocked road and then come over and the cops stop them and said, I know you see the car there. Some people can't drive through leaves. Some people drive through electrical storm school of cop cars. I have forward blindness. Uh-huh, yeah.

I know you see the car there, and they simply did a three-point turn while everyone, all 20 people sitting around, who by the way, prior to this, we're just watching fire, look up and are like, what a fucking idiot. Like, all of them are like, you are the stupidest person ever born. I love people. I'm gonna go with badass. My favorite part, my favorite part, when I called Georgia Power, while this was all, This was all happening. This was around noon. And they said, yeah, the estimated repair time on this is 215.

3.30. Again, there was an electrical fire with a severed cable when last we looked. Mm-hmm. So. I love a job where, like, any job where you see something like that, and you go, yeah, it shit happens all the time. We'll get to that. Yeah, that's fine.

This follows up, not the past, not the most recent, full cast after dark, but last week's forecast after dark, where I was knocked out because AT&T insisted for three straight days that there was, quote, no record of a power outage in my home, as I repeatedly sent them photographs of the pile

of cables that had fallen off the fall in my driveway, and they're like, can you unplug your motive and plug it back in? No. No. Can you unplug the telephone pole? And plug it back in. Plug it back into the ground. Like I was like, I am aware of, I'm being as polite as

can because I know customer service sucks and I'm sitting the photos like I am aware of the source of the outage I believe I have spotted the problem waste high pile of cables in my driveway this is why Nikola Tesla really should have won out over Edison because instead of worrying about any of this you could have had a 45 foot tower over every home in America harvesting direct current from the air itself yeah and the ocean's bounty zapping Russians who are attempting to evade in command and conquer. That's right. You might be worried about the bear army coming in, okay?

But never fear. With Tesla coil technology, home intruders will be vaporized. Honey, go sleep up that prowler. You don't even have to know about it. It'll do it in the middle of the night as you rest. Just harvesting communists. That's how my daddy died. Set by a Tesla coil.

Got within a mile of a Tesla. coil that idiot it's like fentanyl it is you could just drop your kids off with a care off just like you know dropping them off with a blimp be great in my kids Halloween candy there's Tesla coil yeah that was the onion this morning which was local kid disappointed they didn't get fentanyl in bag the sad looking kid in a costume just oh there's just so much so like every every generation has its own powder that is actually not in Halloween candy and it's just so exciting to discover what that powder will be. I will tell you the rumor in Atlanta when I was growing up here was yeah man

somebody's going to hand out cocaine in the candy and I was like even at that age I was like I know my friend's parents who mysteriously went bankrupt and disappeared and let me tell you they weren't letting that powder go anywhere. They loved it they loved it they weren't just going to throw it in any kids back I wanted to talk about the only thing I've been thinking about for the past two days I know I'm just supposed to be

thinking about college football right now but that's not possible because Ross Chastain of track house racing that's correct that is that is pit bulls pit bulls race company his team

Ross Chastain did the most badass thing I have ever seen in the history of NASCAR, and that includes Dale Earnhardt almost crashing in the grass. Bird is a Denny Hamlin fan. The Bird is a Denny Hamlin layer to this story is really, really good, and we'll get to that. But Jason, did you see Ross Chastain go full send on the back of Martinsville? Spencer, I'm going to tell you this. I don't know who that is. Okay. I'm so excited to... Let me tell you what I know. I saw racing internet was very excited about someone being very creative. Do I have that right so far? That is right

Okay. Have you seen the footage? I've scrolled past it. I haven't watched it. Can I give, uh, let me give Jason the background on Ross Chastain. Okay. Ross Chastain is from a watermelon farm in Florida and now races for Pitbull. Good. Yes, correct. You're all caught up. So, yeah. That is, that is all, that is all

you require. You may have heard something about Ross Chastain back in the summer. I'm going to show you a video of Ross Chastain back in the summer. Ross Chastain is the one that went that way. We are looking at this. Wee. It's legal in every video game. It is. This is an iraicing move. Please hold that thought because it will come back. So, Ross, this was at the brickyard in Indianapolis. Ross Chastain was penalized for taking this shortcut on the final lap in which I am in which I am standing. with the Twitter user

XX Blaze It 420 who said if you wanted him to turn you should have put a wall there That is correct We are going to show this to Jason This is the NASCAR and NBC footage layered with the actual in-car audio Let's get this right in the mic

Yeah I've never seen anything He hit a fucking turbo boost Again that's legal in video games It's legal of the NASCAR, per their statement today. So this is Martinsville. And Spencer, I'm going to interview you. You're a race car lifer.

When you hit that, so this is the final lap in Martinsville in order to make the NASCAR playoffs, Ross Chastain, who at the time was in 10th, was running in 10th? He was running in 10th and he needed to get up to 8th. So he needed to finish 8th or better to make the playoffs. His team told him this on turn 2 of the final lap. of a half mile track so he'd already eaten up a quarter mile of this half mile track and they're like dude you need two spots and he's like right is the scoring system that complex that it took

the entire race to calculate or no they were unclear and i think things were they were they were there was a lot happening okay um the msnb msnbcc man with the touch screen was calculating it all Steve Kornacki was like, he needs two spots, and a county in Pennsylvania. Spencer, I'm a lifelong NASCAR enthusiast, but I've never driven on a racetrack, and you've done the driving at NASCAR experience. How does one shift gears normally when going into that term? I'm so glad you asked. Daniel Suarez gave a complete guide to how you drive Martinsville on the NBC, on NASCAR and NBC,

and this is what he said. He said, in Martinsville, typically when you're going around, you are in third and fourth gear. There's only fifth above that in a NASCAR. machine currently. What you do is you go into that turn and you downshift into third and then accelerate out of it into fourth. What did Ross Chastain do? He put it into fifth, Holly. And left it there. When most people go down, it sounds like what you're saying is when most people go down, he went up. So everyone else is doing 78 miles. New York Times, can I have your money now? Yes, everyone else is doing 78 miles an hour coming out of that turn, all right, and they have their hands on the wheel.

Per his own testimony after the race, Ross Chastain, in 10th place, decided the best thing to do was to do the real-life eye racing move, take his hands off the goddamn wheel, and you can hear him shift into fifth as he carom... Punch it. As he caroms into the wall, turns himself into a high-eye ball in the heel of the pole. Loda and is shot out towards the wall. I don't know if it looked more like Rocket League or like when he hits the wall, as soon as he hits the wall, I'm sure someone has done this. But what my brain heard was, let's go.

That's the thing. Nobody really has. Let me just quote some. First of all, let me quote Ross Chastain himself, which the first thing you hear him say after he gets through is, I guess that does work. I saw a quote, I don't know if it's real or not. And I guess I didn't realize it was this where he said, that worked in GameCube and I I wanted to see if it.

No, he really, that's the post-game interview. He credited GameCube. Yeah. Radio games are real. NASCAR 2005, to be specific, as a young 8th generation watermelon farmer in Alva, Florida, at Lee County, he played NASCAR 2005. And then, Lowe, 17 years later, at the age of 29, he decided to finally implement this strategy.

That is NASCAR's last great video game, too, by the way. Just pointing out, NASCAR, 2000. is the last great one. Luke Skywalker defeats the Death Star because he once shot a rat. Like this is the same thing. This is the kid in flight school who's like, hey, I used to shoot rats.

And everyone in the briefing is like, Ross. First of all, the in car, the in-car camera and audio from when he steers into the wall and decides to turn it into a... It does. There's like smoke and shit flying off of it.

There's just one panel in the front right of the car that's just like, hello. Waving at him. there's like mysterious vapor and steam flying from one corner of the car his pit crew is going keep it there steady the crew is so calm

the entire time this is happening and because this is NASCAR and this is great you get everybody you get all the other drivers audio too so you get for example Chase Briscoe his rival on the track going that's the coolest fucking thing

I've ever seen you had multiple F1 drivers calling him a hero. Daniel Ricardo said he was a legend. He's like, absolute legend. Fernando Alonzo, who is 41 years old and is supposed to be the voice of reason of maturity, was like, I have never seen anything that cool. The Brian McCann of this particular set was like, that was badass.

He said it was the best moment in motorsports of the year. He did a full season in F1 and he's like, no, this is it, bro. This is it. I will give you more data just to go ahead and drop your jaw further. Tell him about the lap. Jason is a stat head. He's an analytical brain. Tell him about the lap time.

Martinsville lap times. The record is somewhere around 20 seconds, okay, for this, because you know, you've got a bunch of people rumbling around this half-mile strip very, very slowly and breaking, and they're all in a crowd. And it's very hard to just run an honest lap. You're always dealing with, like, somebody on your left, somebody in right, somebody in front of you, right? The lap record now belongs to Ross's chest and.

Because by two seconds, by about two seconds. He's a lap record for Martin's video, which has been around for decades. He set a lap record because he did it in 18 seconds. He found the shortcut. The average speed for that final lap is somewhere around 78 miles an hour for everybody. Ross Chastain's average is around 100 for that lap. And when he hit the wall, the sensor broke at 130 miles an hour. So if he had done this the entire time, we did the math last night.

he would have finished 51 laps ahead if he had been able to do three and four like that the reason not to do that would be I assume it's difficult and I assume this car would have the car does not react the car does not react

I don't say kindly but the car does not react gently because these cars are designed to just get to the end of the race that's it yeah and they barely manage that correct right and Ross Chastain by the way ending up at the finish of race is always kind of a miracle because Ross Chastain is a highly aggressive driver who oh really yes throughout the season in addition deciding to freestyle on the

Indy Road course and completely miss a turn and take a three second he took a three second penalty rather than try to negotiate that turn with 20 cars was it worth it uh yeah which just made every yeah yeah he just declined the turn just nah I would just Bartle beat his ass Yeah, I'd rather not, maybe This is like we They fucked up letting speed runners

Drive this is correct I'm trying to think of a mimetic Equivalent in college football But like This would be like if James has Had fallen backwards in In the Rose Bowl And then somehow done another different

Better falling backwards after that one If he'd done Atari football Falling off screen and reemerged in the other end zone Well we were trying to figure out what this was the equivalent of and you have to i'm trying to figure out what the equivalent of his body of work is like when you count indy and this like first of all this guy either one of these by themselves would have set this guy in the pantheon for the year but he managed to do them both within like what three months of each other there's another layer here and i love it because ross chastain

by the way once when he was at uh missouri a gateway he pissed off not only denny denny hamlin so badly that Denny Hamlin pulled up. Hey, who's Denny Hamlin? Another racer. A bit of an old head. Yeah, a bit of an old head. He pissed Danny Hamlin off so much that Denny Hamlin pulled up, slowed down, and waited for him and tried to wreck him in the middle.

And the announcers, it was so obvious that the announcers are like, here we go. Here we go. Here it comes. But not only that. Hey, Spencer, who did Ross Chastain beat out for the spot in the playoffs on Sunday? It turns out that by turning himself into a toboggan sideways at 130 miles an hour, and hitting boost on the last two turns of Martinsville

he ended up in fifth place thus edging out the man in sixth place who was Denny Hamlin and Denny Hamlin's like you can hear his incarnate and he's like we lost on that as Wario passes him no he's Walloigi

he's Walloichi he's like there's no like Wario at least hasn't either those, right? Waluigi is... Waluigi's thing is he's like the most frustrating loser. Like, Wario can win sometimes. Waluigi never wins.

So here, nothing was actually won, right? It's just... You get to the next. So he gets a chance to do something like this. Yeah. I can't wait to see how he tops himself. Does this track have lots of traps and speed boosts and shortcuts? Or have we simply not discovered them yet?

It turns out you can just drive across the infield. infield that's totally legal lots of false walls ross justane is testing the fences for weaknesses systematically he remembers lots of warp whistles and raptor-ass driver now i need that sound over the over the thing in tune just like so um so yeah that is that is all i've been able to think about is ross chastain reinventing racing and the final lap by hitting boost there's an angle from the stands on it by the way where it really does look like he's been shot out of a cannon and you can hear everyone in the stands like yes yes you know every like eight-year-old in the stands is like well I tried to tell him to do

that the entire time this is what I can't stop thinking about this weekend was somebody's first NASCAR race yeah and they'll ever go to another one and their last you're done so now is it going to be a thing we're on that turn every time. Everyone tries it. Masked cataclysm. It'll be so slow after the first impact vote. What if you ran Tokyo drift in a popcorn machine? Everyone's going to come out with three inches of armor and Vaseline on the right side of their wall.

Right? Like on the right side of the car just because they're like, what do you, what's that for? Nothing. Nothing. It's fine. Everybody's running a hug the rail the entire time. Sparks. No one passes anyone. just looks like a choo-choo train we call it the bull scraper ross chastain exploded on lap six they eventually grind their cars down to nothing and one regular racer ross chastain is just driving normally on the layers upon layers upon layers of this that are magnificent somewhere pit bull is fist pumping going like dali i'm responsible for this hey what does dala mean let's go i'm just saying yeah let's go you went

Sorry, I have one more. Thank you for catching me up on this, by the way, because I was camping this weekend. Uh-huh. And I, you know, I was hopping in and out for work as needed, but I had a text message from my father on Sunday that said, be sure and see the end of the race at Martinsville. And I said, I'm in the woods. What happened? He said, it can't be described. Watch when you can.

And I thought he was being needlessly cryptic. And so I just ignored this. And so I didn't figure this out till last night that something had happened. Because I came out of the woods and the Internet had already moved on. And it was like, it was like, well, like 11 o'clock. I was like, hey, did something happen at Martinsville? And thank you, internet, for providing me with every possible camera angle since then. I love you all.

The only thing that could possibly compare in cart, it used to be legal to cut corners. Like, basically, like, if you left the road, they were like, ah, you know, just keep it going. It's fine. And Alex Zanardi at Laguna Seika once just passed by going straight through a cutoff. It was like an S curve, and he was like, nope. and he offroaded in a cart car which is a lot like an F1 car and just blasted straight through it

in an open wheel car that's the last thing I can remember that was this innovative before Ross Chastain one cutting corners at Indy and two doing what he did in Martinsville I'm still floored

well I'm just grateful to the analytics community for whoever it was that convinced this young man that the shortest route is the fastest route The shortest route is through a wall. The analytics community being ira-racing, being Mario Kart. Is this homeschool math in the complementary sense?

I think so. He is from Florida watermelon countries. But he's either the most brilliant, intuitive understander of physics in the world, or he's a complete moron. There's really not a lot in between, right? I mean, it sounds like you ran the simulations on GameCube. This is science. He'd never lied to me.

He had an NFL street. That was totally accurate. If Randy Moss jumps against a wall, that is what will happen. He will spiral through the air. If you have a six-inch tall linebacker, he will have a speed of 105 in Madden. This is all canon. It's all totally accurate. Server did you play NASCAR 2005?

Did they have the mean lunch lady, cafeteria lady spotter? Did they? I don't remember a cafeteria lady spotter. No, no, no, there's one woman who sounded like every mean cafeteria lady you ever had, you know. She was a spotter and she's like, drive it like he stole it. Body shop people won't be happy with that. Hey, keep that thing on the road. Like she was, she's one of the coolest video game like characters ever because this lady was just constantly hounding you about what a shit driver you were.

Damn, I should have went to my audio options, clearly. Yeah, like if you won, she was like, man, that's fine. Good job. Good job. Get it back in the garage. We got to go. She was a god oh okay all right speaking of uh i have no training of we got to go speaking we got to go good afternoon to brian harsen so okay so is that the pressing order of business

the i don't feel particularly pressed or surprised me like it feels like we have at least a month of Auburn coaching search possibly two months of it um and it honestly it feels like just let it just let some real good shit surface let's let's decant this yeah yeah let the flavors fight just enjoy just enjoy Cadillac Williams SEC head coach apparently by the way one person sitting around this table said that Cadillac Williams had been spotted with the yellow fella at an earlier episode this season the only thing that I really wanted to point out was Brian Harson's statement which is looks like it's been done in word first of all congrats it's not a notes app statement um

paragraph two through my entire time at auburn we did things the right way which is not always the easy way i'm not even going to quibble with that i'm just going to skip to the third paragraph which says like any coach with the benefit of hindsight there are things that could have been done differently yeah i like that he said we weren't going to do it the easy way and i'm like nope nothing looked easy absolutely not difficult uh this concludes my personal thoughts on brian harb firing at Auburn. My only thought at this time was that Auburn's statement in turn did not mention Brian Harson at all or even specify that the person they were firing was the head football coached. Did it not? It said we're

making a leadership change and I don't know if I'm Brian Harson I just sort of show up you didn't say anything about me yeah go to Mexico again just wait for the direct deposit you will have to find me on the Altiplano I will be up high where your where your methods of communication cannot reach me I also wanted to point out that they got a new athletic director after the firing which is my favorite thing this is like when there's a coup and they're like well who did it we're like we're not sure but the new president is this guy right like well wasn't me couldn't have been him no couldn't have been me hands off dog I'm just coming in to fix things

I definitely didn't do that the gentleman from Mississippi State do I have that right Mm-hmm. Which led someone at Mississippi State to become so mad that they posted about it on Twitter with such anger that some of their words were underlined on Twitter. And no one knows how this happened. This is my... This is how I found out about this because Bud Elliot quote tweeted this guy with the... First of all, it's this like six paragraph thing which the self-effort...

He called it a new low in college athletics first fall. Is he new? Second of all, he invoked the word selfish, but I found out about this because it was in a quote treat from Bud Elliott and said, hey, how'd this guy underline those words? I didn't know. But that's the important thing here. Like, everyone's like, sir, how dare, sir, I insist. I didn't know you could use Unicode on Twitter.

I think it's a, yeah, I guess you go to one of those websites where it's like you can get wingdings and put it on Twitter. Yeah. But to use it for mere underlining is. selfishness That's good shit That would be New AD John Cohen

Who when he was at Mississippi State Hired Joe Moorhead Uh huh Who's now coached Who did good Everyone loved him I will say that Everyone really liked Joe Moorhead

They didn't like him going six and six I don't think Joe is in line for the They didn't like Joe Moorhead having two winning seasons And going to a bowl No They didn't like that So then that's why he went to Oregon, and now he's at Akron where he's doing a... He will probably get through the season.

Yes, he will probably get through the season. Maybe the... Whoa. Yeah, they're bad. I'm looking at the, right now, speaking of Akron, I'm looking at the very bottom of the computer rankings composite. I've never seen this before. UMass is nearly a clean sweep last in almost all of them. This is 83 different rankings in which you...

UMass ranks and there's like maybe not even 10 of them in which UMass is not last that's incredible shit that's beautiful yes uh so Texas A&M probably beating UMass we're gonna go ahead I'm gonna get another win in there for you Jimbo

we're gonna pencil it in every dollar was worth it but then hired Mike Leach that is who has taken 120 minutes and less we forget hid his phone that is correct in case you doubt whether he's a pro he hid his phone

that means that Auburn's head coaching position is open we do get to savor this coaching search but the first note out of this bottle is a whiff of bold Lane Kiffin. No

yeah that's Brandon Marcella reporting that like that is a guy who reported on Auburn for the better part of like six or seven years. I'm not I'm not, I'm not dissing Brandon. I'm not dissing the reporting. The problems that Lane has with being in Oxford are super not going to be solved by Lane living at Auburn.

Yeah, but you know who he gets along with? That's right. Nick Saven? Wolfpack, Bruce Pearl. Oh, God, oh God, Zionist, Lane Kiffin is a thing I'm not prepared for. Okay, question, question, question. question to question um Alex Kersner of course was first into the pool investigating uh whether or not Auburn had hired one of the chosen as their

athletic director does the cadre of Auburn fans that invited Richard Spencer to speak at the school now have to put up their own house divided license plate just to make clear to their Nazi friends that they don't condone this remember that it's just got to be it's got to be tough sledding for them you absolutely hate to see it remember that the thing that richard spencer really lost the crowd with was at albair was when he said why do you follow this football team yeah when he was talking about you know people who shouldn't be mixing said you know why do you have this team why do you root for this team wasn't it something like why do you have a statue of of bow jackson or something

like that like yeah he was angry as he stepped in it as hard as he possible he was angry there statues of black man on Auburn's campus and like buddy you're not Bo Jackson let me tell you so you just say some shit about Cam Newton I dare you dare you you son of a bitch you had me for a minute but then you started talking shit about the team yeah yeah I liked the racism up until the part about Bama being better than us that's where I draw the line is I also wanted to just like okay Jason this is the

if you're hiring oh god no no no if you're hiring you're hiring you know by way I'm not saying that you're doing this for the best interest of Auburn sure I'm just saying

I'm giving you godlike rain okay you have all the money in the world to hire whomever you want for this job for your own personal entertainment right not the betterment of the institution

right but your own purposes yeah dabbo just slide him on over is he going to be okay with that lake just slide him over from Auburn East we'll build him a lake it can bring his castle very true

he should just this first sentence when he takes the Auburn job should be always hated hills I've wanted the same boy I'll tell you I'm so glad to be on flat land the planes are an honest geography where you can see your neighbor

and your neighbor can see you. And yes, I do live in a gated home. The devil provides obstructions. Things in your path like a hill. Here at Auburn, it's godly and flat. Well, I've gone from the highlands of Clemson Stadium to Highlands Church. You know, even the stadium there

didn't suit me being known as Death Valley because that's below ground and that's dishonest, but just in a different way. I'm here. I'm going to rename Auburn Stadium. This is Jordan Hare, but I'm going to call it Life Valley. This is now Life Valley. Yeah. I can't summon a Gabbo voice for some reason.

It'll change once he gets there. It will, that's true. He's not Brian Kelly. Yeah, but more of a... I'm thinking more of a Mac Brown inflection, where it's just, you know, it'll pick up local notes and flavors and textures. Oh, boys.

This is part of my awful pitch for Auburn. I'm like, it's closer to rattlesnakes. There's way more rattlesnakes. You're a big snake guy? You're about to be? You're about to be. They just built a Buckees. I hear there's a Culver's now.

There's a Culver's in all of them? That's what I've been told. It's the southern border that we're worried about securing? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hey, actually, big argument for Davo taking that gig. It's way closer to Sandestin. It's way closer to Santa Rosa Beach.

Like 30A's right there. And I know Davo's about that 30A life. 100% we went down to red bar it burned down but they built it back up the wait was two hours and I didn't even mind great day so then if you're Clemson you go and get let's see all right all right let's pass this along Holly if you are now in charge of firing for Clemson I can't wait to see what job I have to fill can't wait I'm I'm spiraling down into my power in the meantime a lawn or in the background

Jeff Fisher. Jeff Fisher? Yeah. Oh, man. That is. Clemson, you're looking real nice. Yes, it is. Well, now you don't have to fill a job, is what I'm saying.

Deeply unemployed, Jeff Fisher. I've got a job he can fill. No, in all, in all seriousness, you want a guy who has had success in a smaller market. making well, high profile moves and higher profile moves that are, that will provide a beacon of light towards the school. And that's why I think you got to give Jim Elmora a call. Oh, yeah. He's been doing, like he's been doing great work at Yukon. Yeah. If you can get Yukon to a bowl, you can get Clemson to the playoffs. I'm saying, I'm saying. I would also, if I were there, take a look at Rick Stockstill. Just to see what happened.

Bring him back, really? Yeah, he's the reason we got Tommy Bowden in the first damn place. Oh, restart the cycle. Yeah. Tommy Bowden's not busy. Shit, that'd be kind of cool, actually. Return to our roots. We're flying a little high.

Let's return to our roots. Our roots are. I'd give anything for a seven and five season. Y'all have no idea. I'd be in, I'd give anything to kick a field goal down 48-0. That NC State game dramatic every year now Might win might lose You know I think you're in charge of

Youcon just to just just Okay, so we're gonna fill that you con gig. No one else has made the call, but I think Yukon needs help Edwards hit no no no no no oh it's time the man the only man who has ever actually wanted the job The only man who's ever actually I know for a fact wanted the Yukon Houston nut yeah he's in New York all the time anyway the right reverend you know you he flies up for that CBS sports show they fly up Houston nut but what do you think he stays um he stays at a comfort in he stays at like whatever the holiday and express like out on a highway yeah he stays out he stays out by the airport right how far out of new york do you have to go to

find like a hampton no wait there's hand there's a hampton in the city i feel like i would terrify me but wherever the hotels in the sopranos happen right like that's somewhere and like jersey Oh shit wait Clemson just saw you guys Clemson just saw

amazing success with a long time assistant at a storied Power 5 program coming in and finally given the reins

to build a program on his own terms has seen unprecedented heights scaled with Davo and when he vacates maybe you've got to call Brian Ferrence

it's time oh that is a good call yeah I'll happily get that man I will make it happen. I will kiss Brian Ferrence to make this happen. I'll fuck Brian Ferrence. It's fine.

That's right. That's right. Actually, the actual funniest thing would be that Dabo goes to Auburn and Clemson, hires Gus. There are worse ideas. Switch. Swing your partner, Rondley. I I I Clemson's so weird because I now like I now can't really imagine them being

bad it's been so long no I mean I I have experience with them being mid right middle old Clemson just middle old Clemson middle Clemson mid their middle Clemson yeah yeah right now by the way you can see server is currently looking into the zoom camera and he has on he has arms are full and he has a lot of frustrated coach he is chewing an imaginary bit of cud and he has on a clemson visor he's sucking his teeth pretty hard yeah the last bad clemson we're looking at i'll tell you what it feels like 98 the last year of the tommy west regime three and eight Tommy west last scene quitting the rick stock still yeah yeah baby defeating only firman and hey beat south carolina trying to fuck them and kick the shit out of the Big Tens, Maryland.

Sorry. I can't remember a Witt player I was talking to, but they said they were in a car with Tommy Badden and Tommy Badden didn't recognize him even though he'd been on his team. He's like, so hey, who are you? What are you doing? He's like, dude, you recruited me and like,

you know, no, he didn't go to clubs, but he like recruited him intensely. And he's like, so, man, how'd you get here? And he's like, you recruited me out of high school, dude. So who are you? Yeah. Oh, hey, how about that? Tommy, we made love.

yeah and then i think he went to sleep that always seems difficult to me though as like as a person with like face blindness and name forgetfulness like if you're at if you're a coach for like 20 years man that's like well over a thousand people you're supposed to remember and you spend most of the time with their helmets on uh-huh yeah you're like hey turn around let me look at your thighs okay yeah i'd recognize those cheeks in yeah i know there's probably football players or you know coaches you're conscious i mean if i see if i'm walking behind algae crumpler i'm gonna be like algae right just one look at those haunches and I'm comfortable enough to have this conversation

there's several butts that I would instantly recognize strictly off the football field and be like nope that the algae's one of them I'd be like that's the biggest ass I've ever seen on a man Algy crumpler how are you doing yeah Vince is like perfectly ogre shaped like he is made perfect for a defensive tackle like I think I would recognize him that's either Shrek or Vince Wilford basically yeah like exactly a good tumbler yeah Shrek Just color me sitting there at like 1.30 in the morning you walk it. What the hell are you doing? Dude, I'm photoshopping Vince Wilfork of Shrek. That's what I do with my life.

I'm trying to solve the riddle. Yeah. I'm nearing my conclusion. This is this is the simulation. The science follows. Shh, silence. Daddy's work is important. The answers are coming to me as we speak. Ah, divinity speak. floor. Let the numbers speak to you in color. Instead of a pentagram I'm drawing on the floor, it's just Shrek's face. Just doing that. This little ears are the point to have candles of them. I sense the vibrations in the air. The sparks are reuniting. I like that Shrek is so deeply embarrassing culturally that it's just like... Not at Maryland. Yeah, no, not in Maryland. Yeah, we've all decided Shrek is cool. Yeah. It sucks. It's cool. This is the dumbest shit ever.

I'll take another one whenever you got it. Shrek 9, the donkey fucks the dragon again. That happened, yeah, that's, you know. Okay. Yeah. Not on camera. I don't know that. I haven't seen all of them.

That might have been a part, yeah, no. That might be Mike Felder's objection to the six-minute sex scene. Yeah, I don't. He's talking about on hand in the dirt. Is there a sec? Mike Felder saying the sentence, Is there a sex scene in Daniel Day Lewis's Lincoln? It's one of my favorite things I have heard in this year.

It was never answered to anyone. satisfaction by the way because the movie is about like bringing together arch rivals Mary Todd let me nibble up under a hip skirt The movie's about you know Making friends among enemies as I understand

I never watched that movie because I'm sure it's very well made but it seemed like homework I see you girl and all I say is Thick Semper Taranus I did it I did it I'm so glad there was a leaf blower Yeah

A different leaf blower this time. That's a different leafblower. Yeah, it's a, they have to be one running at all times. I like it out here. It's mandatory if you're outside in the United States. Somebody has a leaf blower. So you're blowing your fucking leaves onto someone else's yard. They're gonna blow them onto someone else's.

Just constantly redistributing leaves. When archaeologists discover that this is what we did with our money, they're gonna be like these people should have died out. These fucking moron. Extinction was too kind. They know the ground eats leaves. Yeah. that's what it's for what did they do they attached really polluting engines uh-huh to a tube uh-huh

and then they blew natural mulch at each other did this clean anything no no it did not was this considered some sort of an insult was it no no they just did it just did it mindlessly and poorly every day this must have been some sort of a ritual about uh cleaning the land were these yeah were these important industries no they died in like 10 years and everyone got another job. They must have been clearing way for life-sustaining crops. Yeah, no, no, no. Just grass? Yeah. Then they just went inside and photoshopped

pictures of Shrek and Vince Wolfork together. That's what they did. Ah, craftsmen. Yeah, we lost nothing. We lost absolutely nothing. We lost great artists. I love that if anything, any, any art set 2,000 years in the past, once it's discovered becomes, hmm, this was a

fertility god, right? So like when they find Shrek and Vince Wolfork making love, clearly this was a fertility god, meant to boon the harvests. No, that's not what it was for. Some dude took an edible and it got weird and he opened Photoshop and there we go. He posted this to something called Tumblr. Which was where they stored all their fertility gods.

All their most important knowledge was on Tumblr. Oh my god, Tumblr is our Lasko Caves. Oh my God, it was. It's mostly cats. Cat gods. Actually, you will find lots of those. on Tumblr. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the NFL, there is no margin for error. One mistake can change the outcome of the game.

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I did, I forgot, I hired for Yukon, and I hired. Oh, yeah, for it. We had Jim Olmora, and that means we need to. It's week 10, let's just keep this going. Yeah. So, week 11? 12. So, no, you hired for Yukon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Youcon solved. We've closed the loop, I think. Yeah. Okay, whew. All right. CBS, CBS can find their own. Maybe Herm can go there.

So we have entered the point in the season at which the playoff committee is a thing, which is always very exciting. Everyone has numerous, numerous beefs with it. They watch the games. They watch all the games. They watch all the games. They watch so many goddamn. They insist that they watch all the games. That's how you know.

They sit in a room like the guy at the end of Matrix 3 with every game beaming directly into their brain. They watch all of... the games. Look how they suffer. Look how they suffer. See how they suffer. See how they suffer. They go through for us.

So it's sort of the time of the year when it's kind of like unavoidable to think about the end of the season. I happen to be a person who is just always thinking about that because my brain's sort of a spreadsheet. But I gather that some people like shit like, you know, like fight songs and fans and like highlights and like nerds. Yeah, I don't, like if there was a way to just watch a game via dots, I would do it. only the NFL has the dots but nevertheless it is playoff spreadsheet time

tonight before the first rankings come out one thing one one sort of fun thing that has emerged is the possibility that neither Georgian or Ohio State will be number one wait wait in favor of whom well no no about that there's only one glad you asked it's Jason and so I know he's not fucking with me It's possible. And not, oh, Jesus. This comes to us from literally the person whose job it is to think about the playoff 365 days a year,

Heather Dinnich, who says, it would not be a surprise of Tennessee's number one based on you got the W over Bama. This is, now everybody's looking at us. Not only this, stop that. This could establish Georgia's gonna see as a game of the century, a one versus two. I'm upshed again.

I was doing so well. Now Ohio State could be number one. Then, okay, okay. Stop looking at us. Or Georgia could be number one. be number one okay fine comfy I mean I personally would argue Georgia Georgia beating Oregon by 46 points is better than Tennessee beating Bama so sure leave Georgia number one but just be prepared for some things let's let's

let's do this let's instead look at stupid things that could go wrong thank you for easing me into that by the way because I genuinely had not considered that specter I thought we don't get to do this a lot I thought you were going to hear something Jason said in person and then walk off the porch just leave go jump on the trampoline just go jump on the trampoline i'm just going to lay face down on the trampoline just with my arms at my side it's like a face down plank just rustle not here cover me with additional leaves i will make a nutritious paste let me mulch do not do not blow leaves off of me leave Leave them here.

Just like live a little post it and out on the back of my neck. Please mulch. Compost me. Yeah. Allow decay. It's how she would have wanted to go. Yes.

Yeah, she hasn't gone yet. Just give her a minute. It's how I want to continue going. Oh, why are more millennials mulching? They're quitting their jobs and lying down to become compost. It's called quiet living. Yeah, it's quiet living. I would like to consume as little energy as possible.

I would like to quiet, quit this mortal coil. I do have to say though, I never really get to do this. But in terms of I specifically requested the opposite of this, there's really nothing better than Tennessee potentially getting a number one place. I just realized that moving to Tampa is the quiet quitting of life.

I don't know, it seems to be going pretty loud for a certain individual who moved there. For some. Again, you can survive many, many years of a difficult relationship, but the minute Tampa becomes part of the equation, brother, it's over. The minute, the Hooters Capital of America

interests the horizon. What's in life's getting loud. What's intolerable? A place where the bonefish grill is the number one restaurant. That, no disrespect to the bonefish grill. Well, I just think it's a great year for

zillions of rejection fashion. There's a lot of that going on. There's a bunch of like piling tires in the middle of the road. And I was like, when your political movement is, it sucks, we're just going to throw garbage everywhere. Like, that's great. Yeah. And again, so no wonder she left Tom Brady.

Yeah. So with the playoff emerging, I used to do bowl projections every week when I had a job. I like this job. Yeah, brother. But I still retain some of that information. So I'm going to attempt to apply. some of it here. I have attempted to come up with the stupidest, let's say, I have about 10 bowl games here that I think they're all as dumb as they could possibly be. I'm ready. We're going to start at the top, all right? We're going to start with the playoff, right? Let me hit you with the dumbest Peach Bowl semifinal that is quite realistic. These teams have one loss each. Power 5 conferences. Here's one semifinal. Number one seed, Ole Miss. versus North Carolina.

That's your playoff semifinals. That's an amazing hug. The point total that we're setting it at 90. That's when Mac Brown greets Lane Kiffin and he's like, you've done a great job as the interim. And Lane's like, who are you? Yeah, young man. Nana.

Nana? Just Lane Kiffin walking, going like, you look like you solved mysteries on the BBC. Like, I've never heard of the BBC. Dude, it would change his life. Has he never heard about BBC? Or does he have a, does he have like, oh, God. Yeah. I was going to say,

or does he have a quiet, long-standing tondra for Jillian Anderson? And he's like, I thought that her quiet strength in the fall was a really meditative expression of grief. Yeah, no. It's, yeah, I agree. I think so. Maybe both. Yeah. Oh, they're absolutely no reason.

It can't be both. Our other semifinal will be number two seed out of the Big Ten, Illinois. No. wait yes yes just read that part again number two in the fiesta semifinal it will be a number two see Bert Beard whatever it all his names people people say that on ESPN now by the way right no they said I have heard it twice somebody referred to him as burnt like we've been referring to because it's you when you read a thing so many times that it just works his way into your

brain this is another one of our accidental trickle-ups yeah I'm I yeah after after calling him Bert on purpose for decades. It sounds weird, just like, it feels weird in the mouth to say, Brett, Brett, that's a lot of word. Look at that, man. Bert's boys are up against UCLA Bruins. Burns. That's a, I like that. I think, yeah, no, I have, totally different philosophies on what sport they're playing. Yeah, that's, again, what's happening? Nothing. As many things as possible. Yeah, all of it. Of course, our title game is Illinois, UNC. Sure. Which, again, even more extreme. We play nothing but defense. We are not quite familiar with that concept. Frankly, don't believe it's real.

What if they had defended the alamo? I want to go back to UCLA and just say that is the team that most defines one of my favorite brands of the team, which is I'll be bringing Nunchucks to the fight. That's the most UCLA 2022 thing is who's the guy with Nunchucks and all of the stuff you could order out of the back of the magazine? Which could be incredibly dangerous or not dangerous at all. And if it is dangerous, could be dangerous only to the nunchuck possessor. Yeah, DTR is the ultimate Nunchuck QB. Because you're like, if he hits you, it's going to hurt, and he's also going to hit himself. It's just going to be a lot of motion, a lot of stuff flying around.

I want a blind date in college with a dude who brought collapsible metal nunchucks and a holster on his belt to the date. Like, you know, this was like peak tactical Palm Trio belt era, right? How long were you married? he fell into the pool actually before the end of the night fully clothed and I just left What did he what Hey Jerry if you're out there

Who did he defeat on the way out of Yeah you're doing well I just remember he took like he was wearing like big Like Office Depot ass like dress shoe This was a frat party He was like big off Depot ass dress shoes And he took two steps backward to kind of like Rare up at something somebody had said like for laughing

For dramatic emphasis it just went straight over But not before we all kind of Nunchucks demonstration. They're like telescoping, like police batons, but they just like, it looked like two little film, he might have made it himself. It looked like two little film canisters, like side by side that fit into a holster on his belt.

And he thought that night, he was like, this is going to get me some ass. It's like, you know, I got to defend the lady. That's what it is. Who knows what might emerge on the streets of wherever. I'm just going to reintroduce this concept to everybody. Nunchucks meets gun. Gun chucks.

Gun is a winner. I thought you meant literally Nunchucks meets Gun and fall in love Oh Gunchucks And make a baby Yeah Oh gun chucks, yeah Where were we?

So a different ball game Obviously you'll see why in a different Universe But an equally beautiful one will be Where the Rose Bowl is Illinois versus Utah That is beautiful Yeah, I like it

Is nine Yeah Over under our sugar bowl which there are only two conferences we can pick from for this one Mississippi State against Kansas is not out of it yet if Kansas rings off four big wins to close the season

Kansas would have a nice record a nice ranking say maybe a big 12th in the playoff Kansas could still could still end up in a spot like this and that would be imagine the ratings I am We've got the entire

Okay, we have half of the Lawrence network ESPN is now bankrupt because no one watched the Sugar Bowl The Cotton Bowl and the Orange Bowl Interchange Bowl I don't know I went the same thing for both of them Which is Illinois Tulane

Ooh Tulane is very much in the running for this That is a 1942 ass game Yeah right there Yeah I'm wearing Tulane pants right now So I'm clearly saying this with all since say Real quick Could he please turn that

shit back on but the the the blower yeah don't worry somebody somebody three blocks over is gonna do it in a minute they just give it a minute it's like the fires of gondor they're like all right it's my turn fires of gone what are you doing a moving leaves over there where were you when the leaves fell do you know what sucks is we actually had neighbor auto we we don't have like our house oh you've been our house like our neighbors are fall up far apart we had an audible leaf blower at a neighbor's house today so we We could have had, like, tonal leaf blower battles, and then, of course, the power went out.

Sick. Just sick shit. The leaves went down from the trees across the sun. How did it come to this? How many people show up... How many people show up out of, like, an 80th or out of a 70,000-person crowd? How many show up for Tulane? Illinois, too.

Because, I mean, Illinois, my... What I'm hearing is that we could get great seats. I'm glad you're thinking about this the right way. Will you show up Tailgate for Tulane? Yeah. Yeah. Go green. Yeah, well, listen, we might end up in the locker room.

Get a frost top root beer? Yeah. We're new boosters. We wrote checks. Didn't even expect to. The citrus bowl I'm going to throw at you, which is going to include one of the Big Ten's best teams and one of the SEC's best teams.

Oh, I don't think you mean that. Assuming both of them do pretty well from here on out, Illinois, South Carolina. Oh. In probably the seventh biggest bowl. that is very true what you just said it could still happen

in some shit called the Relya Quest Bowl which is that again it's the Outback Bowl but now has a different name that I don't know what that is I'm not going to look it up the teams that I'm putting in this one

will be Illinois and your Florida Gators we deserve that we deserve that yeah to be taken out back yeah by Illinois in Tampa

Duke's Mayo Bowl Shout out to the Duke's Mayo Bowl We love you So we are giving you Illinois Miami No really Probably the grossest possible game Not involving Iowa Illinois Miami

That finishes like by fractions That's like nine fifths over fifth ninth I think what decides this one is no one No coach Would rather be doused in mayonnaise more than Brett Bilema so this team's gonna oh god you're never gonna catch him after that how are they gonna get him back on the bus well he'll be so slippery yeah i just like they'd

they have to recapture him like a bore and return like we're like ralphi that's good though to have i think in that case bert should definitely grease brepilema well you know if you take him to florida at least they have fish and game and wildlife people i know can handle that kind of wildlife right because like if he got loose in any other state other than like Florida or Texas right Like people with zero feral hog experience. Fair. Right? Yeah.

This is, I think this is where it should happen. Okay. Relya Quest, by the way, is a cybersecurity company specializing in proactive threat research. Oh, shit. That sounds scary. You know what it sounds like they're disrespect researchers. This is something that Michigan State might want to look into.

I think contracting Relya Quest to find more disrespect. Your Music City Bowl, of course, will be Illinois against an. Interim coached Auburn. By the way, this isn't a world where all of these teams, like Illinois is playing all of these in one year. Bealma's just like, oh, our dance card's full, but we're just, yeah, checks a check. Yeah, checks a check. We're going to get it. Oh, it turns out we really like the game of football.

There was a, I think the record for most ball games in the season is three. It was like 50, 60, 70 years ago. I figured who did it. But someone played three ball games. I think they went in one and two. Barnstorming! Your pinstripe bowl, I take it back. This is uglier than Illinois, Miami.

I'm giving you Illinois, Virginia. Plus the already built-in advantage of the pinstripe bowl uggo multiplier just by having to play in that stadium. Yikes. Your guaranteed rate. Bowl. Which has been the Cheez-It Bowl, among a thousand other things. Illinois, West Virginia is the best I got.

It's not disgusting, but I don't mind. want to watch it. And finally, the last Big Ten bowl tie is the Quick Lane Bowl, Illinois against Scott Loeffler's bowling green vouchers, who are still in line for bowl eligibility, despite being one of the worst teams. It's right there in the name. Heck, we're talking about it right now. They could win, they could be both one of the 30 worst teams and win the Mac. The Mac is really strong. I know it's I know cat one is like the massive bowl payout but I recall the payout for the citrus bowl being kind of heavy oh yeah that's a big one that's a heavy bag to me South Carolina getting the bag off the citrus bowl would be the most

Shane Beamer thing just him sitting with a sack of cash he did not expect after an 11-9 victory over yeah with like nine children most of them not even his rushing him bum rushing him off the field going I'm just so happy to be here. here with the sack of money this is amazing i didn't expect this to happen that's like a very shame beamer out got and then the SEC says actually that's that's that's all so i didn't declare you'll be you'll be sharing some of that with your breath all of this like very very office professional accent neutral greg sankey uh professionalism immediately evaporates once a sack of money appears and he's like i'm gonna use my real voice give me that sack of money

Wait, where is Craig saying he from from? Because didn't he come from Arizona? Yeah, he's not. Okay. So he develops an accent. Yeah. Born Auburn, New York. Whoa.

There is an Auburn, New York. Wait, so he's a Tammany. Yeah. Okay. So the sack of money appears, and he gets real excited. Wow. Auburn, New York is like, it's about as close to dead center of the New York footprint as you could possibly get.

So the heartland. It's good shit. Yeah, the heartland of New York. Yes. I love that any. bowl winnings by the SEC this year. Any, any, you know, I also love calling them winnings as if the losing team doesn't get paid.

Yeah, or they have to pay them, right? Oh, we lost two mill. Oh, dang it. But all bowl money this year, some of it, Texas A&M is ultimately going toward, you know, the firing of Jimbo Fisher. Whenever it happens. At H.E. Bet online, one of these, like,

offshores, current odds on Jimbo Fisher being the next coach. should be fired three to one I just leading I know that we ask this every time but this time it's genuinely breaking my brain for who I don't know I mean I have my you know my my evil conspiracy theory that by paying 10 years for the same coach and locking down eight and five as like your baseline that basically Texas A&M has bought performance above and beyond anything that they have achieved over a single decade. I was thinking about it in a slightly different direction in that if they actually, you know, if they, if they did the Dino with him and actually gave him time to, to weather some of the

worse or seasons and come out, like, could A&M by itself generate such market force with this deal that they accidentally make P5 college football just a little bit more chill? I want to believe that. Like, is this some kind of, is this a, is this a, enough of a counterbalance to firing the Mark Ricks? Like, is this shit a wake-up call for everyone else? Are we that self? I would love to think so, but yeah, that's the problem.

I would love to think so, but also that requires assuming learning. This is assuming we have deep blue, a computer that takes in information, analyzes it, and then changes its behavior. When I think college football is more, of like an old tandy um it can play snake that's what college football's decision making can do or like maybe put it this way are the terms of this deal so ridiculous that it has obscured any possibility that we're going to learn from it i don't think so because um jimbo

doesn't even have the biggest buyout in the country that is no it is not that would be curvy smart nine figures no mill Tucker is right up there with jimbo Brian Kelly and Franklin, it's 77 million. I've got to be honest. What the fuck, man. Unless Tyler Perry's involved, no one in this state has that money. They just said, no, they just, like, his agent came back and was like, $400 million buyout.

They're like, whatever. You're fine. Jeff Foxworthy, you'll kick in. This is the state where, like, this is. Wait, who bought that, who bought, what's his name's house down towards Fayetteville? Rick Ross. Does Rick Ross have that kind of money, or is it all in real estate now? No, no.

He does in his fictional works. He does, yeah. Rick Ross's canon states that he has that money. Have you driven by Rick Ross's house? Have you seen it? I don't recall, probably. It is Evander Holyfield's old house. Oh, okay, yeah.

Yeah. And he now has Buffalo out front as well as a lineup of cars and toys. Like he just has like a fire engine out there, like an old-timey fire engine. It's on the way back from my friend's farm where I was camping this weekend. And there is now a big Hollywood-style sign up against one of the embankments that says, promise land yeah yeah and like apparently the state troopers who man the gate were being really chill yesterday because there was a whole bunch people like outtick and selfies in front of it yeah it was super cute uh this is the state yeah this is the state where 96 month

financing at cabellas for a pontoon boat is popular okay you you you make that little buyout whatever you want kirby okay the power of cabellas yeah financial wizards Me and my accountant. Hey, at only $42 a month for the next 88 years. Infinity. Yeah, I think that's a deal. Just to get his ass up out of here.

Is there early? Yeah, exactly. For what? I don't, do you get his ass up out here? Imagine looking at your infant grandson and being like, you're going to pay the end of that contract, son. You're going to pay Kirby off. You will be the generation. That pays off Kirby Smart's contract.

You're going to look at Senator Stetson Bennett and say, thank you for your service to our state. Again, I'm not making anything up. That's totally going to happen. Yeah. I know. Are we worried about ageism with Detson Bennett, like, already?

He's 20. Is he too old to be a senator? His official listed age is 25, which means now that I have learned that, I'm going to mark him up to 32. Yeah. That's a 32-year-old man. Him and Hinden Hooker between the two of them look like, they could be, like, if you combine their ages,

look like they could be collecting AARP. I'm Hennon Hooker for AARP. Collecting AARP and I have money, I mean. Alongside Joe Namath on the commercials. Yeah. Yes. Do your feet hurt? This is the insurance for you.

Hi, I'm Stetson Bennett. Again, I'm also convinced that the only reason Stetson Bennett has that job is because there's a talented Mr. Ripley situation between him and Kirby. I'm reading about how Stetson Bennett the first was the son of Shercropper's Made Moonshine, blah, blah, blah. He was known as Papa Bennett to his family. The way the sentence is written, Stetson Bennett Sr., known as Papa Bennett to his family, was the son

of Cherat. It reads as if Stetson Bennett's nickname as a child was Papa Bennett. So he's always looked like this. Yes. Okay. That'd be a great nickname for a baby. Pops. Pops. I mean, people named babies, you know, Archibald. Big Daddy. Yeah. Reginald. Frank. I met a baby name. I met a baby named Frank once and I was like,

hello sir. We still make Franks. We still make Franks and Gary's. It's got to be a Gary out there. You haven't watched Friday Night Lights all the way through, but there's a scene late in the series where one of the, one of Coach Taylor's former players has, uh, has had a baby or, you know, has helped produce a baby and yeah, uh, Kyle Chandler leans down into like the Carcy or wherever and gives the baby a tiny handshake and he's like, Coach Taylor's son. That's to meet you. Like, Grinch the baby is, though the baby is, like, 12. It's like, how are you, son?

Also, Holly, speaking of bowl projections in the playoff, I'm looking now at CBS Jerry Palms' projections. Can I show you the Peach Bowl semifinal that he was put together? I'm going to read it so Holly won't have to. It's number one, Georgia, against number four seed Tennessee. It rematch. In the Peach Bowl, no less. That feels way more likely.

Also, so the streak continued. This would be, if we could somehow extend this streak of juju poking between now to the end of season, because less we forget, let's keep up the count now. Alabama game. Yep. Brought Peyton to the game. No consequences. Right.

U.T. Martin game. Orange Bridges. No consequences. Kentucky game. Blackout uniforms and played slow Rocky Top. No consequences. How many other, how many other. superstitions can we poke at between now and having to go back to the goddamn Beach Bowl

because I don't know if any of y'all have reason to remember the last time Tennessee had to set foot in Atlanta's football stadium or the time before that or the time before that wasn't the last time beating Georgia Tech okay I'm not counting that time and I'm also not counting the North Carolina State game either um would it be um at the SEC title game like honorary captain Kenny Chesney, something like that? It would be, I actually slept through this. This was the time that my senior year of college, I cannot ever begrudge because it was the last year that before this year, you know, that would be Florida, Georgia, and Alabama in the same year. But that would be the certain quarterback running into the goal post in his own end zone game. Yeah. Yeah.

Is this Ryan Pearloose finest hour? I love that kid. I can't even be mad about it. I remember that game Eric Aange. We kept waiting for Eric Age to throw the back breaking pick, which inevitably he did. That's bad, that's bad, Eric. Yeah, yeah. We brought him bad Eric. We should have packed good Eric. Yeah.

That's when they showed a shot of Cutcliffe. And Cutcliffe looked like, honestly, he looked 35 years older than he looks today. Which is a problem. Yeah. That's a lot. We almost, the amount of times that we almost killed David Cutcliffe over the course that season. I'm thinking also of the, the, the, uh, the 2009. Was it Lane's year?

Yeah. That we came in there. Yeah. I don't love watching Tennessee and play in Atlanta. What's that two-three? The one-four is Georgia. Well, it's in Jerry Palms, it is the exact same two-three as it is every single year, which, of course, is Ohio State Clemson.

The contractually obligated two-three game. Where one team scores nothing. It's always a total ass-whooping blowout, even though it's the same two. teams every time you don't know which team will do the blowing out i just i still and i'm prepared to be wrong before this episode even comes out but i still i still think tennessee doesn't have enough reputational heft to claim not one spot um i can't believe i'm talking about this and i wish that they would drop back down i don't wish that they would drop back down to 23 but it sure would mean i had to talk about them less so let me uh let me let me let me make things even worse by

pointing out the reputational thing the playoff committee's first ever number one was from the state of Mississippi so they don't care a whole oh god if they're building like if they're building by resume we have a problem I also love we mentioned it in full cast after dark

but in Jerry Palm's final final predicted rankings at this point BAM is your final number five and if that happens and Tennessee drops just one game this is very funny fucking book it this is very Tennessee is your bullshit number four I mean there's no way around it we have reviewed that this would be way more satisfactory to me Tennessee's already at that we already got away with its stage

I feel way more comfortable really really close yes I feel way more comfortable if we're not supposed to be there and are there anyway all you have to do is look not shitty against Georgia and you might be in to count on you know weird thing or two happening in the pack 12 it would be best if TCU would drop a game but like it's so close I mean this is the real cynical baller thing to do is to show up to Athens with half the team in sweats, stretching, right? We're doing rehab work, like, uh, yeah, we're resting up for Vanderbilt. Joe Milton fall. Hey, Joe Milton time, baby. Listen, Joe, given who Georgia has on defense, Joe Milton is a goddamn Kaiju. Have you ever, like, watch, I know he hasn't gotten a lot of reps this year. I think they should have put him in earlier against Kentucky, uh,

just because, you know, Hennon's being up here and here. Have you seen Joe Milton play? Yeah. he's kind of our we have a cave troll moment he is I'm I like it when Joe Milton play I would not of course slot him in ahead of ahead of Hinden but I really enjoy watching Joe Milton do you like QB power yeah do you want to see QB power T URT LE power Joe's secret of the U's Milton my favorite Ellis my favorite Clemson Ohio state thing I was trying to remember the one time when it wasn't a blowout it was It's a 29-23 game where it was the hardest hitting I saw that entire season where both

teams just took turns trying to murder each other on every play and successfully tenderized Clemson so when they rolled it against LSU they could barely move. They're like, fuck. We have to play the greatest offense in the history of college football. It's the most I've ever liked Ohio State. It's when they just tenderized Clemson and served them up on a plate for LSU. Great job, guys. Also, I take it back Tennessee, Georgia already is a game.

of the century because Tennessee and Ohio State are tied at number two in the AP. Son bitch. This is already one of the 20 biggest regular season games in the history of college football. It's you know what I'm glad that they gave the spice to this game because as previously stated over several several years the Tennessee Georgia rivalry is boring. It has no personality, no controversy that my numerous letters to both state legislators asking that it be played for water rights have gone unanswered for some reason. And I'm just glad there's something attached to it

because honestly, it is the most boring ass ride. I did like yesterday on Thinking Out Loud in the SEC Network at 7 p.m., we had George Foster and Peerless Price and Peerless Price accused... Which, first of all, can we get them their own show? Yeah. Those two are fantastic. They are wonderful.

They had Peerless said that, you know that Stetson Bennett's a game manager, and George Foster, wanted with, oh, he managed to whoop y'all's ass. Yep. That happened. Yeah, it's not really much of a branded rivalry. Like, that is not a...

Which is weird, because it's bordering states, flagship state universities, contested recruiting territory with both of them. There's no name. There's no trophy. There's no nothing. Play it for water. I feel like they don't fight over much of the same territory, though. Like, culturally speaking.

like there's not a lot of oh no not culturally speaking no no no no like one is Athens is way more akin to like Asheville than Knoxville I feel like this may be unfair but I feel like if it's an activity that involves even like a bare amount of physical exertion George is out just as like as a fan base generally right like Tennessee will be like we should go hunting and George is like yeah I don't know about it gets cold I think it's a bow hunting versus like drone hunting. Compare the dogs. Yeah, no, perfect. Perfect analysis.

Compare the allegedly vicious Georgia Bulldog that must sleep on a bag of ice to maintain its own heartbeat versus our dog-ass dog. Listen, this dog's savage. When it cools down for seven hours on this bag of ice, it's going to be ready to fight. It's going to be good.

One thing about this weekend in college football I want to point out is So a couple weekends after this is every year when the SEC does its SEC Socon Challenge when every team plays Charleston Southern. And no one really minds this except Big Ten fans. This offends them, grieves them very deeply that the SEC would play its Cupcake games in November rather than August. I just want to point out this week, the Big Ten's two best teams are playing one in seven

Northwestern and Rutgers to Ohio State and... Michigan are up against and the grueling, mansum, burly, challenging, honorable, brave Big Ten that does not play Cupcake games ever. This is going to be like watching a really out of shape

power lifter miss on max attempts every single, like every five minutes on the middle. Oh, give me another shot, bro. My grip's shot. Hold on. Drop. Why play cupcakes out of conference? You can just play your cupcakes in conference.

Yeah, yeah. When you can reap all the northwestern gate revenue. You've captured the New York market. Congratulations. With the passion of Rutgers football. Let's see. Elsewhere we have ranked Oregon State. That hasn't happened in like a decade playing Washington.

A solid Friday night game. Are they making a cameo? Are they doing the South Carolina cameo? Probably. Like South Carolina just waving out like, hey, yo, 25? Most likely. I mean, they're road underdogs, so it's probably. is just a brief visit by Oregon State,

but it's nice to see them. It's good to see a piece. That's what you look like. That would be great. I would make sure to do that as a coach, right? Like at the end of the year, like, what do you think looking back on the year, coach? I'll be like, well, we were ranked 25 for one week,

and I want everybody to remember that. It was really cool. We got a number for a little while. Yeah. It's always nice. Illinois is a 16-point favorite against a big 10 team. We have, this is this the first week of where we have full Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday?

Football? I think it is. I think so. Or was it, was there a Tuesday? No, do they start the Tuesday with the playoff rankings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get full Maction. Buffalo, Ohio is not bad. We get, hey, listen, we get double-directional Michigan's on Wednesday. If that ain't America, what is?

God. It's beautiful. Hey, App State Coastal. There's your, there's your thing. Oh, my God, the Cumbull. UMass, Yukon is Friday. this is a great fucking week November rules It's a lot of bullshit happening

This is a deeply bullshit week in every single way I love the SEC triple editor Right, you have the game of the year LSU Bama The game of the year for someone who hasn't paid attention For like two or three years Yeah, but still it could be a really good game The dumbass game of the century

And then the SEC's Big Noonery Can Jamba reach four and five? or not can Billy Napier get a second conference win do I hear a second conference win? Calm down spoiled baby how much is he paid he's not even on

the biggest buyouts list no he's not even close this was the week when the Associated Presses Mark Long was caught on an open mic saying I don't give a fuck I'm going to be here longer than Billy Napier oh I miss that

yeah no he's trying to whisper it, kind of. But you can hear him on a Florida fans where like, I'm outrageous, that's unprofessional and journalism. I know things about journalism and rules. And I'm like, I don't know if he's wrong. I don't. Even

on a scale of five to seven to ten years. That is delightful. If LSU Bama should happen to get out of hand, which is possible, it's possible. Could be great. Could be terrible. I just want to spotlight the game almost guaranteed to be hideous.

stupid but hard fought poorly hard fought Florida State at Miami two teams that can't stand each other and are poor it expressing that Miami hot off the 14 12 game whereas FSU every week it's like I think they're decent but oh they lost three in a row yeah you know what that's a quiet three-game losing street that's how you want to do it you know they lost to the conference's three best teams that's pretty good Congratulations, Mike Norville. That's a smooth-ass three-game losing streak. They're pretty competitive in all three.

Like, I think FSU's pretty good. You know, Jimbo, that's a smooth, that's a rough four-game losing streak. You want to do it like Mike. Do it like Mike. Hit that three-game smooth. Yeah, you want to do it how they do at Florida State, Jimbo Fisher. After scoring zero points last week, Oklahoma State goes to Kansas. That'll get you right.

That's a get-right. That's a get-right. game. Allegedly Oklahoma State had a lot of injuries. Secretly, I kind of hope that's not what happened. Like, imagine just dropping into the season at exactly this point. Oklahoma State, okay, there were number nine, another favorite by two at Kansas? What happened? What the fuck did I miss? Well, coach banned everyone's legs. I've got to play without legs this week. That's what happened. This was also in my continuing a fascination

with the bottom of the SEC Kentucky at Missouri. No. No? Thank you. No? Can I get a buyer? I don't want it. I decline. Do not. I'll be watching Tulane. Thank you.

That might no, it doesn't. I was going to say that might be the least appealing SEC game, but it doesn't involve Vanderbilt at least. It doesn't. I'll pray tell. Who is Vanderbilt playing this week? I think they are also an alleged get-right game for somebody. Well, they play South Carolina.

South Carolina is at least capable of making anything pretty interesting. After losing to Missou last week, I really do enjoy the complete random number generator that is South Carolina football this year. Who can say what will happen? It will be fascinating. If you are a fan of the Beast Against the Divine, don't watch this game

Arkansas at Liberty which one's divine sorry Liberty at Arkansas Liberty at Arkansas I think it's Divine Beast against Liberty Yes and by Divine Beast we mean one of those things from Zelda Arkansas is definitely the elephant

Our favorite Goron Head coach Sam Pittman The Elephant that just stands there Yeah this is Hugh Freeze Who by the way they're going to end up like building memorials to him at Liberty because he's never leaving He can't go anywhere else

Oh graven images Raymond Images, that's correct, yeah. That's really crazy how they would do that with the money. The money they're shitting and farting all over, Dufreeze. Money that could, like, you know, feed people or whatever. I'm sorry, the market makes no mistakes, Jason. I know.

It's crazy. Your freeze receives that much money. Because he deserves it. Because God said he should get it. That's the actual reasoning. It's like God's up there co-signing. Like, yep, write that check, brother. How else are we going to beat U-Tep?

Because he goes to his big God ledger book. Oh, spending. God's budget. Blue a lot of money on guns and Hugh Freeze this week. Because we got to fire some people. We've got to start charging for blue checks. That's my genius scheme. God blew.

Just going to do that. Huh. Hey, you guys want to start a church? I think we just did. That was Catholicism for like 500 years. was Godbleu. No, we've got to a point where semantically indulgences are a good thing now.

We could sell them in the fancy strip malls. I like this. You know, there's the massage envy. There's the jamba juice. And then there's the church. God blue. Yeah, indulgences are back. Like, TikTok girls and Tumblr girls

and reinvented indulgences. Fuck yes. Sweet. That's all the kids do is lead. Yeah, there's makeup shit that that we forgot about there are there are currently high school girls on TikTok that one of the trends that I've seen

is them dressing up like Steve Harvey yes yeah and saying what is something that you would like to what is the question what is something that you would like your to sit on isn't that it yeah what was something yeah sit on

and the guy says my face right and yeah they're dressed up like Steve Harvey and doing the splits while saying yes This is what technology was meant to do, that, and photoshopping Shrek and Vince will fork together. Step, step one, hundreds of thousands of years ago, invent fire. So now's what we need is Shrek dressed as Steve Harvey doing this trend, and then we can get rid of all our computers.

Yes!