Shutdown Fullcast - "This Is Being Broadcast To The Entire Country"

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

 - WILL MUSCHAMP WILL HEADBUTT YOUR FAVORITE DONKEY IF YOU DON’T GIVE HIM ANOTHER JOB  - The Big Ten football story everybody’s talking about: Tom Allen vs. Inhuman Amounts Of Lasagna  - Introducing the Hacksaw Gantry series of airport novels  - Northwestern would like to remind the proctor that some classmates don’t have their cameras on!  - Lenin’s corpse: good rivalry trophy?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Because I guarantee you, I could be in a room, like, you would sit in a room with, like, eight people who covered the sport. And you'd be like, Will Must Champ's a fucking idiot. Everybody would be like, no, no. I think my favorite. You know what? Pisses me. I said this to Ryan already today. There are 400 investigative reporters on this sport, and many of them are actually allegedly good at investigating.

And not one person that I can tell has ever considered, oh, well, must champ is nice to me all the time because he looks like me. And he needs me to succeed at his job. I buy that I buy that completely next next question absolutely no introspection on this shit whatsoever

he's a good man with a good family I'm like Stalin loved his kids I think my favorite part looking back is that when he got the job initially nobody nobody even bothered to do like here's what we'll must

here's why this will be different here's why what will must chip learned it is people what everyone did was like oh if he'd hired that that roper OC that he had that last year

things would have been great so now he knows now he's going to go spread offense now he's going to start with him uh oh two years later what they say starting out this year we're going to slow it back down

we're going to slow it and we're scoring too many points and he did dude he's got the or if you go like okay well what does he need to implement his plan what does he really need to make things happen?

Well must champ was just trying to make a clock for school that was all that was all he was trying to do but like the idea There's so much ground pork in this clock. It's savory and spice. But like, okay, I need a running back

because that's what I really need to protect my defense is a running back. Okay, do you know who the leading rusher in the SEC is right now? Kevin Harris of South Carolina. He had 243 fucking yards against Ole Miss. You know how much he protected the defense? 700 yards! They still gave up 700.

yards because you're a fucking loser. Oh, and he's on a group text with Lane Kiffin. And he's on a group text with Lane Kiffin. I hope Lane Kiffin texted him his whole butthole. Like, just the whole fucking thing. How would you, like with the flash? With the flash. I assume you mean like a panorama photo.

I hope the same GA who had to go up in the stands and get his play card after he threw it in there had to take a picture of Lane Kiff's butthole. Oh, no, no, no. Lain is very adept at taking pictures of his own butthole. Yeah, man. You don't do Pilates to not take pictures of your own butthole. That's true. Maybe he had the police like, hey, listen, well, I'm here. Could you just?

No, no, I'm telling you, this is, this is the one skill that he has owned. Yeah. Doesn't even, he knows where the angle is, just feels it, click. If you just measure, if you measure from the base. You got to measure from the base. Wait, what? Yeah, like lasagna. We're talking about lasagna again.

This show is over and I hate it. Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. If you want to know one, too bad, it's all they let us have. We grab the first license. But you know what? It's too bad for the haters. because we're very good at this

we're so good how good are we I don't know could have told you because we're obviously brilliant people who possess insights no one else

could have gotten by looking at a wind loss percentage or by watching any of their games what was our reaction to South Carolina hiring Will Must champ

Ryan do you recall you know I don't recall it specifically because my brains like pushes away full cast content the minute it enters

as a self-preservation mechanism. We've got to learn how to do that. And also so I can never testify. Ryan, you're going on no takes exposed. That's right. I can't retain full-cast information. But I'm going to go ahead and venture a casual guess that it was not positive.

I don't think it was very positive. I think we all said it was going to fail. And I'm not, by the way, I'm taking no glee in that, no happiness. This is just factual. That if you saw somebody who enjoyed making the same mistake, over and over again you wanted to hire that person there was a very high a chance that he was going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again and you were going to get the same results

which is what happened jason i mean it's kind of different it's a little different right like at florida if uh if if if if much champ's team scores 42 points the world has ended right And South Carolina, he can score 42 points and still lose. This is new and exciting and different. That's unexpected. Yeah. So, I mean, was that worth all those millions of dollars that were paid and will continue to be paid for several years? No.

Well, there are many interpretations and many viewpoints, but I think most people would say no. I just I don't I kind of understand why South Carolina hired Will Must Champ in the first place I don't necessarily agree with it and I think they don't agree with it now

what I don't understand looking back is you look at the the 2017 season that's the season where South Carolina goes 9 and 4 and wins the Outback Bowl I remember that very, very well.

But on the strength of this season where they, like, lost to Kentucky and lost by two scores to Georgia and got trounced by Clemson, like, on the strength of this pretty good season, like five and three in conference play, nothing amazing, but like whatever, that was enough to give them a contract extension. And that's the part I don't get, because if you didn't look at 2017 and say, okay, this is like, this is the, this is where the high tide is, it's not, this is not like one level on the way up the mountain. This is the mountain. You have reached the top of the mountain. It's a very small mountain. But instead, the South Carolina Board of Trustees saw that, saw like, well, shit. I mean, we were ranked in the college football playoff poll, 24. for one week we received votes in the other polls several weeks like we got to extend what i don't understand how are college football programs so bad at negotiating this every time they always fall for this stupid okey-doke where they extend a coach who just had like a fine season he didn't win got an extension in the same season that he lost to BYU and Georgia State

at home. Yeah. Yeah, that's worse. That was a bad. That's worse. That was no, I'm just, I'm bolstering your point. Yeah. It is like, do you think you're going to lose Will Mustchamp to the NFL in the off season? And it's not even like,

okay Batman. It's not even like his contract was like, it's not like, oh, this is the, like, last year of his contract or next year was like they're like oh shoot you know we don't we only got him for three more years let's make it six and yes i understand negative recruiting don't at me do you know what is negative recruiting against will must champ will must champs on field record do you want to know a truly alarming thing about the will must champ tenure uh not really but i see no way of avoiding it the gamecocks were 15 and eight in one score games good christ so it could have been

a lot worse. Hold on! This is my favorite. This is my favorite school of football coaching and football thought, which is just keep it to a one-score game. That's what you want to do. Yeah. Just be there at the end.

Well, if you got tired of all those one-score wins, hey, he went out with a 17-point loss. So, technically the dinosaurs lost. I thought you wanted to see something new, South Carolina. Dinosaurus lost the one-score game. game if you think about it. Mm-hmm. A defensive specialist who in his final game at South Carolina lost to an Old Miss team that they gave up over 700 yards to.

There you go. There's your bill of sale. Here is the full list of SEC schools that Will Mustchamp beat more than once in his four and a half years in Columbia. Vanderbilt, Tennessee, Missouri. The end. I hate it here. The end.

one in four against Florida, one in three against Georgia, one in three against Kentucky, oh and five against Texas A&M. And his long-time winning streak against Tennessee, even that has turned into a losing streak. That was like all he had as a coach being, what was it, 7 and 0, and now it's 0 and 2. Yeah, but there's a promising young quarterback around the corner. His name's Jeff Driscoll. Oh, well, that didn't work. We completely destroyed it.

That's fine. There's another promising young quarterback right around the corner. Yeah, and his name is Jake Bentley. And, yeah, we ruined him. And he's broken. Is that on the label, bake gently. I like that. Is that in the NFL, sir?

That's another. Wait, what? That's true. Another Florida Gator NFL product. Did he get there? I believe he's a Bronco. He's a Bronco? Yes, he's a Bronco.

Also, he will soon be joined in the NFL by Felipe Franks because Florida fans booed him. that's true that is the that is the key so because because we are classy people who love things yet another that's why NFL Gator quarterback because Arkansas's our most hated blood rival we show them no quarter yeah just to show you just to show you by the way how absolutely petty I am about that I did go and look up Felipe Franks rushing because I was like yeah he's going to rush he's going to keep the ball 14 times for like 20 yards and I was wrong listener because Felipe Franks in the game against Florida he only had six he only kept the ball six times and he ran for two yards of carry I'm not I'm not going to let us talk about Florida football on the day

well must champ got fired nope nope this is South Carolina's problem because they got to pay that whole check did you know that anyone in the state of South Carolina had 13 mil they could just drop I did I also like that they've done the same dumb thing Florida did which is that this contract has no offset language so well must champ can go work for anybody else and it does not shit he did last time exactly the one-year rehab at auburn well like like last time he leaves florida and he goes to auburn and the entire time it feels completely predestined like oh he's clearly just stopping off for one year so he can get an SEC head coaching job again what the fuck why does he need an SEC head coaching job again i don't know he's going to get one we just knew it was going to happen and then it did

so what's he going to do now he's going to go to lSU or some shit for one year and then be right back coaching i don't know fucking kentucky when someone finally hires oh don't don't put that on kentucky's made good choices come on kentucky kentucky made one good choice they hired mark stoop's and and

they're on a one good choice streak they hired they are if they have at least one other two other i think two other good choices in their past how mummy they hire yeah they hired bear brian a billion years ago we're up to three for them hiring rich bruce brooks worked

That's four. That's way more than South Carolina. That is more than South Carolina. Yeah, South Carolina's had like two. They hired Joe Morrison. Joe Morrison, who by the way, in the most South Carolina thing ever, took them to the number two ranking in the nation, immediately lost a Navy, and broiled the program in scandal, particularly over performance enhancing drugs being handed out by trainers at the program, and then avoided all of it by dying.

I think hiring Lou Holtz cancels that out hiring Lou Holtz is such a bad idea that now you're down to zero hiring Steve Spurrier is all you've ever done

that's it right Yeah Hiring Lou Holtz is such a like such a lotto card because you're gonna like if you buy a 10 of them one of them's gonna pay out

you're gonna get one season with Lou Holtz where you think well look this came up 20 bucks that's pretty good on a $5 buy and then the other ones

Clankers all of them I think it's more like a real estate venture because like a lotto card you pay it up front and then you're done with it there's not an ongoing relationship right we're like you could get way under on you know on a real estate scam as nick sabin would be the first to tell you but you know and that's like you have to keep dealing with the hardship of having hired a lou holts or a will must champ i will i would like to directly criticize south carolina for one thing among the other things

that we've criticized them for i think it was a mistake to not let will must champ coached out the rest of the season not because i think he's earned it or because i think south carolina would be better under none of those things simply because it's very funny when a team with a walking dead coach beat somebody else and you still had hill fulmer hello phil i mean like georgia's still you're still playing georgia thanksgiving rivalry weekend still it would have been much funnier to like to potentially beat georgia with will must champ coach who will not be there in like three weeks counterpoint now it will be even funnier when georgia loses to south carolina to mike to mike bobo look we're running the ball

finally he ran the goddamn ball i hope i hope he doesn't call a single pass i hope he doesn't call a single pass oh yeah yeah no this is down by 35 points fuck you It's going to make Kirby mad anyway. Yeah, by the way, in addition to Debo Samuel, like the number of offensive players that Will Mustchamp has ruined and or wasted in college football, substantial and it's impressive. Shy Smith, if you don't know, Shy Smith, man, just a tenacious receiver, the vicious, nasty receiver this year who has done pretty much everything in vain for a terrible Gamecock team.

Debo Samuel, same, another outstanding player who completely, wasted during his tenure at South Carolina. Jake Bentley, again, yeah, promising quarterback who ended up on a Will Must Champ team, Colin Hill, hopefully going to avoid that same fate by just, you know, chilling. Staying put. Staying put and avoiding wherever Will Must Champ might end up next.

Because that would be the worst. If Colin Hill transferred somewhere and they're like, we're hiring Will Must Champ! No! Ah, the Chris Driver conundrum. I think in in terms of Kirby Smart being mad, we also have to keep in mind,

South Carolina when he goes to that stadiums and look around and think they fired my brother so he's gonna be coaching emotional he's gonna hell they massacred my boy he ain't heavy my boy Lenny they fired double no no Ryan got it Ryan nailed it that's absolutely the dynamic man what if they're both

they're both Lenny's that's the problem every single offshoot of Nick Saban's coaching tree that ends up head coaching in the AC or in the SEC East is just another land He's the only George. It's just of mice and mice and mice and man. Yeah, like I will say this. Nothing could ever take away this, though.

That last year, 2019. I know that Lenny's not the mouse in this scenario. Do not at me. Don't do it. Spencer was an English major. South Carolina did all of the funniest things they could do in one single game against number three, Georgia. in Sanford Stadium.

Let's not forget the high point of South Carolina's Will Must Champ experience was at Sanford Stadium. Remember, when can South Carolina do things under Will Must Jam? What can any Will Mustamp do their best things when the idea of production on offense is so far gone that they have to resort to the most crow magnet attack possible? You can't even make sentences right now. This is amazing.

I'm so happy and excited. Because against number three, Georgia, with their third string quarterback in, they won 20 to 17 in double O.T. In double overtime. Double, oh, you went to double. That's also. 2017 in double overtime.

20. Well, Mustamp, only needed 20 points, and you had extra time. And we saw. Everyone saw. Everyone saw. Professor, I'm going to need an extension on this multiple choice test. Several weeks. I also like that the other thing

Well, most champ didn't really learn from Florida is that you should not trade offensive coordinators like fad pieces of fitness equipment. Like, he just, every two years, he's like, oh, this is the year, I'm getting into shit. All right, we're getting a bowflex. Bowflex, didn't like the bowflex. All right.

We're getting an erg. That's it. Oh, I'm getting an infinity pool. And it's just like, Will, the garage is fucking full of offensive coordinators that have not worked. Have you considered that, Maybe you don't like exercise. They're starting to smell.

So in 2017, after Clemson won the national title, Will Mushchamps in a mass text to, yeah, it happened. Will Mushchamps sent a mass text to his entire program saying, game on. They were like, no, coach. Coach, that was literally the last game of the season. This is the worst day you could have said that. Okay, this is also a lesson.

Cash the fucking briefcase. This is also a lesson. and in specificity. Yeah. Which game, sir? The NFC wildcard playoffs are on CVS. We'll be hunting the ultimate game.

Man. Catan. I like this that so, you know, using, hey, a team from this state won a national title, maybe we can too. And then, but like, there's no, there's no higher gear here.

You know, there's no. Are you saying football is But like, like, what does it mean for a Will Must Jam to kick it into higher gear? Like, like, right. It's it. You know what I mean? Like, there is no, there is no Pokemon evolution of Will Mushchamp. There is no higher level here.

May I ask a stupid question? Chart is our, no, sorry. Champ, uh, my, oh shit, there is a ma champ. Why not a must champ? Yeah. This is a mustn't champ. And also Muttamp, of course, Muttamp, a big, dumb, punching Pokemon. Yeah.

Do we, it wasn't the Ole Miss Loss specifically that people saw and were just like, that's it? Can't fucking take it. Like, do we think that was the tipping point or were they just like, you know, this is a thing I've been, you know, this is like my, this is just the thing. It's like cleaning the gutters. Like, I say I'm going to do it every weekend. and I always find an excuse not to, but this weekend I'm going to clean the gutters and there's a whole will must champ in there

and I'm going to spray it out. They forgot to. Well, I think there may be another element here when people always go, oh, it's probably about something entirely unrelated that we can't see. Yeah, they hate their AD. Their AD, Ray Tanner.

Ray Tanner is not on solid footing there as well. So either this is a self-move of self-preservation by Ray Tanner or this is the shot over the bow that's like, Hey, Ray, get your office together because you're gone. This ain't happening.

So that might be another factor. Do you think, well, must champ could get the AD job? Athletic director, that's like a gym coach. Shows up with bike shorts and a whistle. All right, everybody. Let's direct some athletics. All right.

Welcome to physics. Time to see you do some push-ups. I need money. So how do you want... In a sack. Let's do a sack time. Oh, it is sack time. $13 million.

That's what they're going to pay, well, must champ, to not coach. On top of the $6 million, Florida paid him to not coach. Yeah. This is an awesome job. What a profession. Yeah. And to think, and let's not forget, there's the alternate universe where the SEC doesn't even get involved. with this and will must champ

becomes the head coach of the Texas Longhorns instead son of a bitch he had been fired he had been fired like 10 years ago I mean let's just keep in mind he still has that Texas head coach and waiting token and like any point he can go

redeem it it's like those medallions and legends of the hidden temple you just got to exactly like John Wick yeah this is John Wick assassin money hello I'm John Thick you see he's great he doesn't use guns he doesn't even use his fists just his head just throws bricks at you well did this guy kill your dog nobody looked at my cat funny

there's a scene at johnwick three where uh keanu is shooting these guys and he's all mad because they got upgraded armor and i feel like if muschamp is johnwick that's all he does is upgrade his armor oh see i thought you were going to say the scene of john three where John Wick uses a horse as a weapon. Wait, I've seen John Wick three, and I don't remember this. There was a lot. There's a lot going on. There's a point in the movie where John Wick is in a fight in a stable.

Like an emotional weapon? No. Like, he's in a fight in a stable, and he positions his enemy in such a way that he slaps the horse on the ass, and the horse kicks his foe right in the chest. Yeah. And I think if you could, I think if you could, I think if. you could do that on a football field that would be all will must champ would call on offense i think if you do this you get the a and m job that's what that's what jimbo did that's true watch me slap this horse

on the ass y'all remember that old george carlin bit about the perfect murder being beating a person to death with another person like holding them by the ankles the dream because it reminds me a lot of south carolina football all right like to be fair it's a very very hard be fair what is the split zone duo part of the moon crew family of feldcasts it's a hard like south carolina is a hard job and nobody ever wins there like nobody ever wins well mustchamp would have never said that text feed actually known to be fair everything sucks yeah it really does like like south carolina when you go what's your ceiling your ceiling is like um you know if i told you you would go eight and four every now and then that's to be clear i think will must champ was

the smart one here because he got South Carolina to pay him a lot of money for a long time and now a lot of money to not do anything at all. No, I'll stay out of Columbia for free. Sure. Like, I've been doing that shit all my life. Where's my buyout? It's not hard. Like, I don't, I have a very hard time blaming the coach at this point. Because like nobody forced South Carolina to sign one must champ in the first place or to give him a big extension. or that'd be a neat trick or to like pay him to walk away now like they could have just said it's the stupidest season ever in memory nothing here matters we weren't going to win the like what what version of this season would have been like okay let's give you know it's it's such like it's such emotional lashing out it feels like because because what are they doing it now for what are they getting ahead of the race for hugh freeze yeah What a sexy thing that's going to be. That's what's happening.

Jesus Christ. That's true, isn't it? Hugh Freeze's sexy ass is what's got everybody all hot and by. Why would you know? Why would know, Ryan? Because I'm a guest and I can say whatever I want on somebody else's show. We didn't create the situation. We're just describing the situation.

It's not our fault if this is happening. It has surprising tone. It's just about an ass. No. Is that a Hugh Free's impression? That is a Hugh Freeze impression. No, that's way, way, way, way, way too close to your MacBrow. Can you make it British?

That's also, that's borderline McConaughey, man. I cannot make it. I cannot make it British. How about Irish? No. There's only two frees. No, I see your devilry. Australian.

I bet you can go Australian. Say, I'll pray for you while simultaneously emailing your boss about how you're a slut who should be fired. I'm going to, I'm going to pray for all of you for saying that about me. That's all I can do. I forgive you for doing it. South Carolina I wonder why nobody in the industry listens to this podcast

admits to listening admits admits yeah this is hey Hugh if you're listening love you buddy not true Hugh if you're listening

just don't DM us no no thank you no send some other sort of signal yeah you know what just put some tickets at Williams Price Stadium baby because you're getting hired

that's happening I saw somebody say well, you know, they really should look for Billy Napier. Billy Napier is a sensible choice. And I'm like, this is South Carolina, baby. Billy Napier's not going there. Billy Napier would be a fantastic choice, which is why he's not going to take that job. No, no.

He's got a spreadsheet. He can tally up the winds and go, man, these people don't win anything. West Virginia has recently made a hire that is looking pretty smart. And South Carolina is going to get fucking circles run around them by the West Virginia Athletic Department. The same athletic department that hired a man. because they thought his one bowl game went real well well athletic department the governor kind of did that entire okay that's fair we're not really told that story on the show

nope but nobody will be surprised but you know who will never bully you into hiring him after a huge bowl game win well must champ won't do it too honorable of a man you said nobody forced them to hire Will Mustchamp? What if Will Mustchamp was sitting there going, I will headbutt your favorite donkey. I will do it. I have the donkey and I will headbutty. I will do it until the donkey

dies. And Ray Tanner's like, no, not Clarence. He's my favorite. That's my heart donkey. That's my what? This is plausible if it's over a video feed. But like, I would love it if they're in the same room and Ray Tanner does not know the actual whereabouts of this donkey.

Sure. And he's just, I can't, I can't. I can't risk it. Like Jimmy Sexton walks into the room and he's like, right now, my associate will must champ is in a field somewhere with a donkey of particular interest to you. He's prepared to headbut that donkey unless you sign his paper. At my signal. He will cease headbutting. If he doesn't hear from me.

At my signal, unleash head. If he doesn't hear from me by 207, he'll start headbutting the donkey. It's 204. What do you say? Yeah. That's, you see, that's the thing is that somebody's like, hey, Ray, it's just a donkey, man. Don't make a $20 million mistake over a donkey. And Ray looks at him and goes, he don't know what that donkey means to me.

You don't understand the special bond that a man and donkey can have. This is a super weird place you've taken this. So thank you. It's not weirder than hiring Will Mustchamp. I have a little more question. It actually is, but go ahead. No, no, I have one more question. Does he get another head coaching gig?

Of course. Yes. How many has Bobby Petrino had at this point? And arguably, Bobby Petrino has, like, caused way more problems than Will Mustchamp has. Will Mustchamp's biggest crime, but Bobby Petrino is also getting another head coaching job. Yeah, absolutely. Will Must champ's biggest crime so far is, is what? Football.

Being a bad coach at a school that doesn't have good coaches, right? he got the same results in both places, which is kind of extraordinary. Bobby Petrino to Liberty. Bobby Petrino to Liberty is not a bad call. I will say this. Bobby Petrino's lifetime record significantly above 500. He's 119 and 56 in college. Will Mustchamp is at 55 and 51.

So Will Must Champ's getting an NFL job. That's what I'm hearing. Wow. So South Carolina, you have a big debt ahead of you. You're going to need to do some saving. You're going to need to show up the finances. And, hey, we're here to help, South Carolina. That's why you're listening, Ray Tanner.

We have a new sponsor on the show tonight. We're very excited. The long and the short of it is, you don't have to be rich to start investing. With acorns, anyone can save and invest in the background of life. Acorns is the country's leading saving and investing app. They've helped over 8 million people save and invest in the background of life, as noted. Get started in under five minutes by downloading Acorns from the app store or

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item we didn't sing the podcast business song this time um the authors and uh artist of the sinful seven the e-book that we published a few months ago. We're going to do a book club podcast. Spencer and I are going to go on with Alex and Richard on their podcast, Split Zone Duo, subscribe today, along with our illustrator, Tyson Whiting. To answer your questions and chat about the Sinful Seven, if you have any questions, we have a Google forum that we are going. We have tweeted it from the Moon Crew account.

It has gone out on the Moon Crew newsletter. If you're in the Discord, it's in the Sinful Seven Room. So, you know, find it, drop in anything you'd like us to discuss on the book. It's creation, what we might do with it going forward, what have you. And, yeah, I believe that concludes podcast business. Is there a bigger demonstration of the range of this show than talking about a book club podcast in the middle of a discussion on South Carolina football? I posit there is not.

Now, South Carolina, what a book is, that's a, it's like a play call sheet. It's like a sandwich. It's like a stack of them. Okay. Okay, that's better. Kind of. It's like a sandwich of facts. It's like a whole.

It's a word lasagna, all right? But only facts I need is this Mordidella right here. Tell you what. I'm just going to make up a series of books that are like the Jack Reacher series, but for South Carolina and claim that they are the official author of the state of South Carolina. Like Daniel Moore. State Rancher. Yeah, exactly.

State Rancher, poet laureate of South Carolina. State Rancher, author of the Hacksaw Gentry series. Hacksaw Gentry. It's just a whole series about a guy whooping ass. In England, or is that his name? You know what? There is. The 27th book in the series, he goes to England to

whoop ass on behalf of South Carolina because someone was talking shit. That's the plot. Is he of the gentry or is he a gentry antagonist? No, Haxaw Gantry. Not Gentry? Sorry, you said gentry. No, he's descended from royalty. But it got denied. His birthright was taken

from him and that's why it goes around whooping ass with an electric mosquito paddle one of them bugs zappers turns coming coming fast and ferocious well bang I gotta tell you I'm suddenly on board with this. Hacksawgantry available in every shitty airport bookstore. A steak rancher

exclusive. A steak rancher novel. Stake rancher died like 30 years ago it's the steak rancher universe it is the steak rancher universe Steak Rancher's been dead for 30 years. This is like his kids shopping it out to ghostwriters. Isn't Steak Rancher redundant?

Stop asking questions. It's the Steak Rancher universe. Steak Rancher. Listen, I will write... You've heard of steak ums? These are steak hymns. Yeah, I will totally write one of these. I will write...

We know. I will write a steak... We know, dude. I will write a steak rancher novel about Hacksaw Gantry. Okay, if we can... Haxal Guntry... You want to post it on the newsletter. I might have we could just, yeah, exactly, I'll turn it to a serial where I'm like, listen, I'm going to write it as if this is the state saga of South Carolina, and it's just about this giant indestructible red deck, whipping ass, and go into the dog track.

The fucking creation myth of South Carolina. That's it. He's just like, and here, I took a shit and threw a book in it, and that became Clemson University. The next song, Andrew. Did I cut Romulus his throat and kicked? Remus right in the solar plexus. Went to Mug's quarter and I fought a man. He lost, but the whoopin made him

what he is today and that's why they call him. That's right, Barack Obama. Can I ever tell you all I got an ancestor who was assassinated in Spartanburg by Tories in the 1600s? Man, that is so impressive. Can I tell you his name? Yes. Tiger Jim with a Y.

Wow. Wow. That's a Mark Twain. It also makes me kind of mad that my dad goes my bill. I'm like, come on, man. We had a tiger with a wide gym. What you go by Tiger Gym? That's so much cooler.

Also had an uncle named Luther Fate. Yes. He's definitely a character in the Steak Rancher universe. Yeah. Steak Rancher. Man, we could just pull this out of my family tree because I know they were definitely in Spartanburg. The bio of Steak Rancher is a photo of him before he died and it says, state rancher quote unquote lives in charleston south carolina as as much as any of us can live yeah

splits time between charleston and montana um i wanted to look at the ap poll because the ap poll has yet another revelation for i'm sorry he's never going to listen to this is this a safe enough space deep enough in the podcast for me to talk shit about wright thompson saying he's a montana landowner in his book jacket bitch you have a lake house and callus bell that's not what that means wow I you know what could you be a Montana

a man of the soil you could be a man of the soil if you're a Montana I mean Jesus Christ a Tilsman could you be a Montana land owner where I build a place called Montana land in Kentucky

and you just own like a $50 square of land so that you can say you're a Montana land owner sure as long as we don't look at it too much it's a Joe Montana theme park. It's like Gollywood, but Joe Montana.

I mean, a town in Montana did change its name to Joe strictly. Wait, did it really? Yeah. There's a lot of Skechers rides here at Montana. Joe comma Montana. They did. It's the second best name change ever. That being

that truth or consequences, New Mexico, still a real place with the name truth or consequences of New Mexico, changed its name in order to get a promotion for a game show called truth.

or consequences. I always figured that was some like weird old West standby. Nope. 1950s quiz show TV, baby. It's like if somebody

changed their name to who wants to be a millionaire Missouri. Are you smarter than a fifth grader Kentucky? That's a problematic one. Hi man. Kentucky hired Mark Stubes.

There's somebody smart there. The city, the town of Joe, comma, Montana. It's gone back to Ismay, Montana. named after Isabella and May. 19 folks live there in Joe, Montana. I hope there was a holdout who was like,

screw Joe Montana. Fuck him. I hate the Niners. I'm a Stan Humphrey's man all the way. I'm a Seahawks fan. Damn McQuaid, yo. Or like, I'll never forgive him for what he did to Boston College.

That bastard. Ruined by Holiday Bowl experience. Everybody in Montana loves Boston College. We all know that. Thanks to South Park. Out here on the plane, big city liberals might not understand. But out here on the plains, we love Boston sports. Y'all.

The thing I wanted to say about the AP? Might not understand Montana values. I can wait. I think my feeds off. and refreshed it. Where's my don't? Where's my donkeys?

I can't punch a cow without my donkeys. Two things I love. This landed big poppy. And casual races. That is a bond. I, you know,

now that we have teams actually play. Hate Bill Simmons, though. Fucking hate Bill Simmons. That's a universal. What I'm trying to say is that Indiana's ninth in the nation, y'all. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Indiana is ninth in the nation. I'm getting out of the email. Ninth in the nation, second in the big ten. Second in the big ten, above Wisconsin. They have played twice as many games. They have both beaten Michigan. We'll get there. Sorry to do this two weeks in a row, but like it's hard.

It's not now. It's really not. I'm not, uh, it's really, it's really bad. Indiana, I'm just, like, I'm going to say this. Can we count Indiana's victory over Michigan as a quality win? Indiana doesn't like, what, listen, we love Indiana on this show. Want to make that abundantly clear. What is Indiana's best win of the season?

Well, Rutgers. I got to tell you, it's looking stronger than the Michigan win. It's looking stronger than the Michigan win. Yeah. Mike could be Rutgers. And that's, and that's no, no slight to Indiana. It's just things are not what, um, not what we thought they would be in the Big Ten in some ways, which is, um,

and most of which are hilarious. Yeah, I know, I know everybody is struggling to get through this year. I mean that on a personal and organizational level, but, uh, the Big Ten, more than other conferences, there might be a lot of bad in there a lot you know this isn't the scott frost day like so many other holidays that i think any of us expected to celebrate this year but i got to tell you folks i enjoyed it it was weird we knew it was going to be weird but you know as a as a follow-up to uh you know a labor day spent entirely in the backyard not a jet ski in sight and a precursor to ipad thanksgiving separated from our friends and family what's really weird about Nebraska winning a conference game when you put all that in perspective

the weirdest part is that they didn't give up the lead that's been the Nebraska thing is to get they tried very they really to try well they're polite just ask them they tried to spit the bit so hard and that's how bad Penn State is Penn State refused to let them do it

so Penn State is butt they're not even the good kind of butt They're just but-butt. I will push back on this slightly. I think Michigan is butt-butt. I think Penn State is mostly but, but, like, they are closer to not being but than Michigan is. Penn State might feasibly improve because I don't think anybody's going anywhere. Michigan, ah.

Well, and also, like, Michigan would, if Michigan had started that game against Nebraska the way Penn State did, Michigan would have lost by 30, right? Penn State at least came very close to sending the game to overtime, although this is an opportunity for me to bring up the most alarming stat I have seen in some time. On goal to go situations, Penn State ran 11 plays. How many yards per play do you think they averaged in this game on 11 goal to go? uh snaps bad it was bad 1.1 negative 0.4 that's less that's less so like we talked about the pen state indiana box score now if you look at that you think oh pen state won yeah uh this one pen state

nebraska 5001 yards to 298 you out gain a team by 200 200 yards you tend to win but then there's all the you know there's an extra turnover for pen state um alma the let's see well the fourth Downs are pretty even overall. They were just terrible in the red zone. They're terrible in the red zone. They, like, just could not do anything once they got down there. So, like, state could easily be one in three or two and two. Neither are both good, but.

They're so bad in the red zone. I'm okay with them calling it the inferior and disgusting term red area. The red area. Okay. Which I've also heard. It does. Every time they go, well, we weren't very good in the red area. I'm like, apply cream.

Yeah, I've heard that before. apply cream there's ointments for that shit y'all come on apply cream Penn State I think for Penn State it's the grass is lava

this is also a really weird year not to use phrases this is a really weird year to use phrases that remind us that most of y'all couldn't handle a MRSA infection

and are now being propped up as the faces of massive massively rich organizations amidst a global health crisis anyway Notre Dame is number two

oh shit yeah what happened there well it's obviously the student's fault excuse me I'm going to go let the president cough in my face I have a COVID party to attend I'm a priest and my judgment is therefore above fucking reproach

eight yeah baby how have they played eight games it's not possible yeah all the church schools are eight and oh it's because they went to the early service clean living Liberty, we're being generous with the term church, I realize, but what is the fucking hurry?

The rapture happening? Each shit, Boston College, you're not a church school anymore. Here's a Penn State fun fact, all right? We said it last week that it would be nice to know how many preseason top 10 teams have gotten off to 0 and 3 starts. The number is 9. Penn State is one of those in 1983 and 2020. The number of teams who have gotten off to 0 and 4 starts despite starting in the preseason top 10. That would be 1954, Illinois, 76 Arizona State, 84 Pitt, a team that contributed to BYU's national title despite barreling to 1-7 and 1, and now 2020 Penn State.

Also, Penn State could easily hit 0 in 5 or 0.6. So history in the making, folks. I just, I would like to review how bad Michigan was against Wisconsin for one second. and I don't really want to take too much away from Wisconsin because they were very effective. Yeah, but you're talking about a team that is two years removed from having any of Brady Hoax players on the roster. That's true. How are you going to succeed

when you've only been... This is the other baffling thing about Michigan. They've had really good recruiting classes and they've turned them into third place in their division. That's weird. Who does that sound like? Not this year. They're not going to... No, no. No, this is true.

Flip the script on you. Brady Hook is three and one this year, by the way. Yeah, he is. It looks great. So everybody focuses on Jim Harbaugh's record against Ohio State. Because that's obviously like the thing that if he can get over that hump, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You look at this year's Wisconsin game and last year's Wisconsin game, which was similarly, like, Wisconsin controlled the whole game. Michigan, like, didn't even score until extremely late.

The Badgers ran for like 400 yards. Like to me, that is a much more telling check-in of where is Michigan football. Like, where are they trending? The fact that they cannot even stay on the field with Wisconsin, a team that like, Ohio State, you can at least look over here and say, like, they recruit at this insane level. And if you want to say they cheat, fine, go ahead and say they cheat. I doubt most Ohio State fans would care that you lob that accusation. But then you turn and look at Wisconsin, it's like, well, what is the, what are you pointing to here?

Laws. Paul Chris, Paul Chris cheats. Yeah, the magic touch of Paul Christ. Big, beefy, sausagesy cheating. It's true. You know what's stuffed inside those sweatshirts? Cash. Stakes. Stakes and cash. Duffel bags of casso. It's not even grass fed. I will give you 17 cases of brandy in a duffel bag. It's sold. Oh, it must be my birthday. Okay. So this gets to my favorite big-time recruiting story I've ever heard, which was Tom Allen. Tom Allen, a guy in my mentions who was a former player under Tom Allen said, yeah, my mom made lasagna for all the coaches when they came to visit. And Tom Allen came and he had four of the biggest servings of lasagna I've ever seen in my life. And he kept going back and it was incredible. And that's why I committed to him. Tom Allen is not that big a dude. No, Tom Allen just came and crushed a lasagna.

on you so hard, the recruit was like, I'm in. Do you see that dude? The display of dominance? Exactly. Do you think he spent the whole car trip back just like stopping every 10 minutes to puke? Could be like, you know what? I did when I had to do for it.

It's probably so much ricotta. It's probably like, I got three more visits tonight. Oh my God. I got a shit. Just windows down like, oh God, it's bad in here. Like you do hear stories of coaches who are like, oh, fuck, I got to go impress a another grandma, you know, by eating an entire, an entire casserole. Okay, I'm speaking in terms of body weight, but at what point during this ordeal can you fairly

expect to describe a percentage of Tom Allen's body as being made as lasagna? He's a tag. At that point, it was like 5%, I think, by weight. Right. Right? And also consider this. Every other coach does that whole endurance eating thing, the whole power eating. thing to show that they're at home and they really like your mom's cooking. Even on that

curve, Tom Allen impressed a lineman. The lineman he was recruiting. And this guy was a lineman. A big 10 lineman. A big 10 lineman was like, God damn, that man could dominate a lasagna. I'd die for him signing there. It's happening. That's how, that's what Tom Allen, they list all those injuries that he had, like knocked his teeth out, like head button, you know, a player. And he tore his knee running and stares with his, you know, players, and he's hurt himself in, like, 3,000 different ways, just being a boisterous, kind of over-caffeinated kind of dude. And he went in, and when it came time to eat lasagna, he probably has, like, we don't know it, he probably has, like, ruptured stomach.

Oh, imagine. Imagine cutting his stomach open like a shark. Oh, God, they're license plates everywhere. Do you know how much gas station coffee this man's got in his belly? Jesus he's got 18 whole 18 whole canoli just swallowed him like a python I bet that mom still sends him a Christmas card oh yeah hey do you want do you want the lasagna recipe and he's like sure and in his mind he's like oh god no I hope there's one so I think I think in Tom Allen's a good smart coach in his mind it's this lady might have you know nephews right right keep the pipeline going maybe maybe Tom Allen was is just like lives every day like you he's going to get fired so he's like can't afford to skimp might not get lasagna again for months he's not rich like will must champ that's right i like that so there's this common expression you know someone you don't really know

they seem like an okay person i'd like to split a beer with you know i'd like to have beers with that guy like is the midwestern version i'd like to split an entire lasagna with that guy i'd like i'd share a spoofers with that man i'd you know what i'd like to split a third of a lasagna with that. I'd like to shut down of Fazzoli's with that guy. I'd destroy an appropriately priced family restaurant buffet with that we're going to run Olive Garden out of business.

Now I just taste my steel showies. There's got to be a point in the recruiting cycle where a coach pulls in and the people are like, hey listen, it might be kind of weird, but my folks are vegetarians. It's got to be like, oh, thank God. no man do you know how heavy vegan bread is that's true that's it's the okey dokey's like oh thank god

they're like here's vegan bread how much worse is is if you're knocking down like a watery primavera lasagna give me five more slices of that cauliflower pizza ma'am oh it's fine i love it i love eggplant pile it on he ate he ate 24 pounds of spirulina at my house it's what i got i got a small Cece's pizza operating in Majunum. It's all right. There's a

Batman video game in there. It's the stand-up one. I hate it. He signed, though. He's signed. Don't worry. It's free. It doesn't take quarters.

It just free for the kids. Tom Allen's an amazing coach. That's the point. He's got tickets coming out of him like the ski ball. my chance. Wait, where? It's clearly his belly button.

Never mind. What did I ask? See, the problem is I bet Will Mouschamp has eaten that much lasagna at a recruiting visit as well. But he did it in an angry way and it scared the family. He could hear his teeth like he was biting down on the fork. Will Mastrian eating lasagna like fucking fantastic Mr. Fox. And like, I think with him, it's not even trying to impress anyone. It's just how he eats. Mom, why is he cursing at the lasagna?

Why did he call the lasagna? Get him a fucking belly. Yeah, it's less like, oh, I'm going to impress the old lady, and it's more like, you know. Dominate the foe. You're just sheer carnivorism. I really hope Jimbo just Chappelle's this, right? Just like, as the Rick James walks in, it's like, your lasagna shit. I ain't eating that.

Just leans out the window. Let me show you what a rich man do. Leans out the window and hollers at his butlers to, like, bring in a, authentic spread you're cooking for me now let me give me a taste of this now it ain't yours but i'll let you have it for a night you come to a and m maybe i'll break off a little more for you i brought my own tuna sashimi fuck you that's torro bitch now i'm just imagining a coach being like i hope you don't mind my mom a special diet and he pulls out the the insulated you know like the the little insulated foldover lunch bag and he opens it up and it's just

like a roll of deli meat that he just like eats like fruit by the foot opens a trench coat and he wraps it around his hand like a bear with honey it just slowly gnawis while nodding thoughtfully at whatever you can say the blessing here ma'am it's going to be a four year four year decision I can't figure out who this coach is but I feel like I'm missing it obvious one. Dave Doran. Absolutely. While we're doing these voices, can I tell you all something that I heard on the IMG college broadcast of the Michigan Wisconsin game, which I listen to in its entirety?

And I will spare you most of the highs and lows because we don't like it when our football uncles or footbuncles Jim and Dan feel sad. But at one point, I think it was. 37, either 37-0 or 37-3. It was getting up there. Deirdorf kind of musing into the ether goes, you know, this is being broadcast to the entire country. People can see this.

Jim, sometimes I worry people can hear this. Even into space. And they kept on for a second. We're like, you know, our friends, Kirk Herb Street and Chris Fowler are on the other side of the booth wall tonight. But just like for a minute, He just let that thought breathe. And, oh, God, it was dark.

It was dark in there. You know, Jim, this is being beam to the planet Vega, to the star Vega, where the... Have you ever seen the Truman Show, Jim? Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? No, we don't dance here, Dan. No. Yeah, I don't... The realization that somebody was watching this was audibly painful for Dier-Dorf.

it's just honestly i kept at it because i wanted to hear them decry jim harbaw's lulu lemon pants i wanted to see if it would come to that but no our boys held the line you did miss you did miss an unfortunate um an unfortunate truth from the broadcast on holly which is that holly row was the sideline reporter for michigan why would they do that to her earlier in the day she was the sideline reporter for Michigan State Indiana. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. And they talked to her about, at some point in the fourth quarter, they go to the

sideline and they like bring this up. And she's like, you know, I'm looking at the positive. I got to see Indiana and Wisconsin today. Oh, God. She's seen so much bad Michigan football. Yeah. Although I will say. Michigan State. I hope she's in some kind of like day spa or detox facility to get all of that like heavy medals to get all of that out of her system either that or i hope it was like a mileage run where she's like yes gold status now fuckers um it is very it is very funny michigan state being bad at this point

like part of me really thinks they're like got the michigan win let's tank why there's no draft picks because it will make michigan feel bad that's why that's why it's just this the same joke keeps on going just as as michigan is now devaluing itself for Indiana, Michigan State is now devaluing itself for Michigan. So I think the thing with Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State is because of the Big Ten's Conference Championship Week setup thing, they're all competing to get Illinois. Oh, God. Oh, dear.

He's not even kidding. Like, this is the reward of being back. Like, this is the tank. You get to virtually win a bowl game. You win a game in mid-December. Everyone likes that. You get to go home a winner. Or you lose to Illinois.

Yeah, or actually Minnesota is also winless, so you're in the running as well. I would like to, speaking of innovative approaches to the season, like Michigan states, where they have decided that in order to spite their rival, they will be just as bad, if not worse on certain days after beating them, only to make that hurt that much worse over the course of the year. There's another team that has innovative management strategy in terms of how they win football games. and that would be the USC Trojans because in two games now USC has for the better part of

three quarters said oh you're sleepy I don't care I'm just going to let you hang around Arizona whatever and then in the fourth quarter

has come to life at the exact last minute not like start of the fourth You're never going to get to fire Clay Helton if you are never never going to he has dug in like a tick his entire head is encased in heritage hall if you have ever had a month to work on a school

project and you found yourself the night you're laughing already if you found yourself the night before it was due in a computer lab on campus at four in the morning finishing the project that you just started that day you are USC football I feel handsomer this is USC really only shows up for the last five minutes of the game does the bare minimum relies on a bunch of dumb shit to happen oh absolutely they're going to make you look good for you know what i just figured this out u sc's basically like they're they're they're the title holder they're the wrestling champion because you're going to beat them up and down the mat for the better part of the match then all of a sudden kick out on three you're going to make them look really good and then you're going to put them over yeah

us is really selling the pack 12 right now yeah you're like so this is i love this theory my favorite thing to track in the ap people over the first six weeks was USC moving up they got more votes and or moved up each time for six straight weeks despite doing nothing they have now played two games and they are no longer moving up because we have gotten a look at what USC football actually looks like not in theory but in reality they are now uh so unimpressive to the visuals that they're being jumped by Northwestern. Oh, no.

Deservatly. Deservedly. Right at school fight. And that is fair. That's the worst part. You know what? They're going to get jumped by Liberty pretty soon. USC, what are you doing?

I guess this is pretty normal for you. Might even get jumped by. It really just a, it really is a barbed flourish to this year to have a good northwestern in the mix. You know what though? Like, that is a lot. Is that not the most northwestern thing? to go in a year that won't count anyway they're like we're real good we're showing up we're doing all of our work in the year that won't count looking around in an empty like pandemic ravaged hellscape

did no one do the reading that's it they're just showing up to ryanfield being like look we still we're attending all of our virtual classes our zoom calls are prompt raising their hand um i i believe you asked for everyone to have cameras on is that right oh god they're absolutely at home in their bedroom wearing like neckties yeah yeah i'm ready constant is going to resolve this whole northwestern thing for us pretty soon so god i really hope they do because if they don't that would be the funniest thing oh man what if northwestern is a national title that would if northwestern won the national title well as middle grads yeah as middilgrads i would be thrilled to see my wildcats like successful objectively thrilled that's that's that's the number one sign

that Michigan needs to fire Jim Harbaugh if Northwestern wins national title. Yeah, that would be it. Also, also, the best part is they'd beat Notre Dame doing it, and then everybody in Indiana would hate them. Like, everybody in Illinois and Indiana would hate it. What a new and different experience that would be. Chicago booze Northwestern for beating Notre Dame national title game. And then push them into the lake,

bulldoze the whole thing. And then Pat Fitzgerald takes the Bears job just in the Illinois singularity. He's not going to like that at all. Those players got a union. Yeah. The Bears under Pat Fitzgerald, wow, they'd have no offense and all defense. Can you imagine what that would be like? Dad, be perfect.

Be perfect, Jason. Man, imagine Bears Northwestern fans. Y'all have fun each weekend, don't you? Oh, Jesus. I mean, Roger's a Jets northwestern fan. Yeah, but the Jets have something to strive for, a really good draft pick. That's true. Roger is quirky and we love Roger the Jets might score a lot of points they're going to give up a ton of points though

whereas the bears you know what you're going to get which is nothing we only have 16 points to spare let's see who gets them you better measure him out coach pat do the math fancy did you bring some for everybody nope he's gritty in working class dude he's worth like 30 million dollars he's gritty for like 15 years he's ready just mean he doesn't have a regular more pasteurizing regimen. Pat's a Chicago guy. He's from Evanston. He's not comfortable with more than one haircut. He's had the same haircut since 1992.

Regular like a watch. Yeah. Wait. Are you, are you, wait, you mean like, okay, Ryan, you went the same place I did, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I like the way that man poops.

Just clocking in. Shows up at the same time every day. 743 On the dot He's out of there by 748 It's astonishing Every vein of his facebook Just like our fathers

Just like our fathers His retinas get cloudy And that's when you know it's time Because there are only three SEC Games this week We've talked a lot about the 6-10 But I got I got well hey there's seven on the schedule

Right now baby Seven We'll see if that's true by Tuesday But right now, he's jinxed the fuck out of it. I have nothing to do with this. It's a pandemic. Hey, SEC Network plant, Spencer Hall getting awful offensive.

That's right. That's right. Because you want to talk about Florida, and I'm not going to let you talk about Florida. Oh, I'm not talking about Florida. Oh, I have, I have juked you bad. He's going to talk about Arkansas. No, I was going to talk about one more Big Ten story that we had to cover, which is this, the Kirk Farritz, Kurt Farrant's absolutely detest B.J. Fleck.

Absolutely hates him. Yeah. Because not only did he go for two, up 26-0, because that's what the card says. Called all three timeouts in the last minute. Are you going to read that one tweet? Of an absolute blowout. No, the Kirkf-I actually hadn't mentioned that, but no. Let's share the Kirk Farrant's time-out, quote.

because Kirk Farrant's when he was asked about oh I don't know Oh that's not the tweet I'm talking about No No no no because the quote from Farrantz that I want to talk about is this

Because when asked why he called the timeouts It said they called the timeout I guess to get a look at what we were doing And reconsider Farrant said So we just wanted to make sure We got a good look at what they were doing No sense in taking them on the bus with us We figured we'd take Floyd

with us and leave the timeouts here. Once again, your annual reminder that Floyd of Rosedale is the best rivalry trophy in existence. Did you see the thing? It always makes me say rivalry trophy. Did you see the thing where Floyd used to be an actual pig, but he

Yes. What did he get? He had, he, no. Diverticulitis? No, it was a disease of some sort, but I can't remember what the actual disease was. pig flu oh that's a thing gout would be incredible oh wait wait

here it is the living Floyd of Rosedale wasn't vaccinated something that came as a surprise to somebody's father I've skipped around here a little bit who assumed that since it came from the university it would be up to date

on its shots so he died of cholera just eight months pig cholera yeah pig cholera yeah pig cholera also Floyd originally was a a racism distraction

oh man yeah yeah there was good thing that's not good thing we don't have to worry about that at Iowa anymore Floyd did not solve Floyd did not solve racism that was Floyd's greatest regret wait so did they bronze the actual pig

he's in there he's in there and if you crack the bronze he'll come out and seek vengeance on everyone gatekeeper key master gatekeeper key master that is great seeing a bunch of college football players at the game coin give us the pig it's beautiful

I think that all trophies that are not weapons or old shoes should have to be some form of metal animal I think it should be yeah I think it should have to be something that came off a farm right I want to include the brass spittoon and the silver spade from

out in New Mexico because those are beautiful and I want to include all the cannons and the boots Yeah You want You basically want monopoly pieces I'm just realizing this Yeah I would accept a hat

Because like the Oklahoma Texas hat I assume you're fine with Yeah the bronze the bronze Scotty Right Let's make the rule of this No trophies has to be an object Yeah sure Preferably a metal animal

No fucking governor's cup Get that shit out of here No Get the governor Get a bronze governor Here's what we want. We want a cup worn by the governor. That's what we're playing for.

And Kentucky wins Lemon's corpse. We did it for Liberty. You won the brain of JFK. Wow. Which part of it? God damn. You know, I took a left turn and then Jason just hit an orbit. It just decided you know.

J.F.P. The book depository. Wait, you're saying, you're saying you went left and Jason went back into the right? He went back into the right. He did. I do have. No, I just, we all need to take a breath. Speaking of sudden painful twist of fate.

Oh, boy. Okay. Oh, boy. Yeah. I did want to talk about. Which Floyd of Rosedale can't do anymore on account of the pig collar. Until someone frees him. I just wanted to say pig cholera.

Proof Lloyd Rosedale didn't kill JFK. Until that day when he comes back to save us. Any minute now, Floyd. Yep. So I have a confession to make. Oh, no, sorry, Brian. I wasn't talking to you, Brian. For on the phone site.

Put me out. But with a big echo, a big bronze echo. Hello. There's a comic where the death of Wolverine, where Wolverine dies because he's covered in metal. That's what I'm picturing here. Sure. He eventually makes his way out. So Floyd is going to grow claws and scratch his way out.

This is kind of how Aida ends. That's what Floyd of Rosedale was inspired by. Yeah. I fell asleep before. That does sound like, no, that sounds more like a big 12 receiver. Amneris. He's out of Katie. I ate a pig incarcerous.

You get over here. I fell asleep before the end of Washington, Oregon State. You didn't need to watch the end. Turns out I didn't because if you were a wagerer and you had the over in that game, you hit the end of the first half and you were feeling pretty good about things. And that's why you're an idiot

because you're gambling on sports. and that's dumb because Washington and Oregon State, they were at the half 24-21. How many points that they scored the rest of the way? On the way, definitely not hitting the total of 51 and coming in just under that, they scored three points the rest of the ways. So if you stayed away for the second half, sucker,

and if you had the over and you had 30 minutes done and you thought, ah, we're good. Guess what? You lose. You lost. Washington and Oregon State decided they'd had enough. Pushed away the plate. One sympathizes.

Of touchdowns and field goals. Like they were lasagna. To be clear, you should have bailed after the punt. And by the punt, I mean, the... The punt. Did he make contact? I think he did eventually kind of make contact. So like that's the moment where you should have said nothing in this game will surpass that I can leave now like and football games don't often give you that sense of like this is the best thing you will see you can no this is why I had to hone this like with Tennessee

like the the work that allows me to step away from the game before it burrows its way into my soul and then claws its way out the other side of my soul is the result of like 30 years. years of of watching these games but this one was easy this one was once you saw once you saw that once you saw a punt fly it send a snap flying over the punter's head the punter tried to retrieve it eight other dudes try to retrieve it after that and you know who eventually scored the touchdown i believe the returner the punt returner yeah the punt returner ran all this punt was such a fucking disaster and took so long for somebody to grab that the punt returner ran from the literal other side of the field grabbed the ball and scored what is arguably the funniest punt return touchdown of of his life so if you just look at the box score this is the most normal looking

play correct yes punted returned yes yes you have to look at like a very old timey type of box score that doesn't give you any numbers but yes those are my favorite kind Floyd of Grosdale has a brother named Blue Boy. Wait, what? Some say he's still out there to this day. Yeah. Pig was the brother of Blue Boy, says Wikipedia. Is this a pig pig or a metal pig?

I'm not sure what metal Blue Boy eventually became. Is he interested in the South Carolina job? He's blue, so I assume that he's steel. I assume he's joking to death. Steal pig and Steel pig Choking on lasagna Oh shit

Is Tom Allen Garfield Is Garfield something? Garfield will never stop being a thing All right By the way That Washington, Oregon State punt I just timed it

17 seconds I want you to think about How long It's so hard to spend 17 seconds doing a football thing It takes so much time I bet that ball goes

mile they're like yeah the ball travels a mile on that play that's like that's like an NBA possession after it hits how many feet are in a mile 5,280 you said that is half of a college basketball possession the college basketball team is considering thinking about beginning to set up a shot after 70 seven so next time some like a rugby fan is like football players only do you know they only play for like two seconds and then they stand around I'm like not at Oregon State not at Oregon State special team Football's easy. You just stand around every 10 second.

Nice try, buddy. Look at this. You think you could handle this? This would be too much for any athlete outside of America. The PAC 12, just the international ambassador for football as a whole. When you say, yeah, that never happens. Oh, really? O contraire.

You think you could handle 17 seconds of PAC 12? Like 17 seconds is approaching the 200-meter record. building let's explore some other things that could have happened in that span of time there's a movie called 17 seconds

what's it about hockey nope now it's about pack 12 football earthquakes have taken less time yeah than 17 seconds

yeah god this looks like the list of Georgia national title attempts wow I'm just kidding. They haven't been in the title game 17 times. Or in 17 years, it's much longer than that.

17 seconds sounds like Tom Allen going back for lasagna. Yes!