Shutdown Fullcast - TRANSFER WIZARDS OF NUKE MOON: SEASON 5

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

In this season of change, in this time of turmoil, the show returns to its roots (they're on the moon)HOT WASPS IN YOUR AREA??Introducing Season 5 of the Shutdown Fullcast, only at FREE LIFE INSURANCE DOT HORSESpencer has a game, which comes with a sound effect we were not warned about in advance and bear no medical liability for. Please enjoy listening to the rest of the hosts experience that for the first time as you yourselves experience it in real time.There is also a voice. This is your only warningFullcast theme song arranged and performed by north-without-endSubscribe to our new $4 Patreon for more Fullcast stuff big and small, including After Dark episodes each CFB weekend.Check out Surber’s band, Killer Antz and his new show, PodcasterinoListen to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Jason's critically praised novel and other workDID YOU KNOW: Holly and Spencer write Channel 6, their own year-round newsletter, concerning football and also unfootball thingsVisit HOMEFIELDAPPAREL DOT COM for all your comfy vintage oh-fficially licensed collegiate apparel needs

I think everyone knows that this is a podcast about the moon, first and foremost. Well, whoa, whoa, okay, that... This necessarily implies that the moon is real, and it has long been our contention that it is not, or at least not anymore. I think there are podcasts about things that aren't real, you know, like other podcasts about college football. Those aren't real. Oh, shit, yeah. And I think we... I thought we had settled on...

There is a satellite orbiting the Earth. we call the moon, what it is and its true composition is the subject of much debate and uncertainty. Now that's more accurate. You're right. My all-time favorite review of this show, I can't remember if we've told this story before, is just a guy on Twitter who was telling a sibling or a friend about the show. And he's saying, oh, you know, you'll like this. It's a great, it's a football show. They have a lot of cool theories about the moon. And she goes, you mean the moon landing? And he goes, no. We can't get you that far. Landing.

on that thing? No, come on. Nice try, liberals. You can't land on an ocean. Be serious. Too squirly. Jeez. It's constantly moving and shrinking. It'll see you coming. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Listen, for one thing, would Spencer get near all that cheese? Absolutely. The moon is, moon is shifty. He's got his head on a swivel. Oh, so it's like a milty cheese. That moon's got, it's like 91 moves out of the backfield. This man can't swim. What's he going to do in the sea of tranquility? The moon's like a quantum cheese like if it sees you coming it'll melt more quickly more like you man quantum nachos let's do it the first of multiple great business ideas on this episode there are there's a teaser there is a

hell of a teaser let me tell you what a great business idea is though okay before you do anything and that is building a nuclear reactor on the moon which sounds like some shit we would come up with this here hear me out yes this is the moment where i got to tell you as somebody who spends a lot of time in group chats with a lot of people from the n nsa nobody has jokes today and it's not that everyone is treating this incredibly seriously it's it's more that everybody's like what could we possibly say to this the the n nsa these are these are nuclear people i was hoping it stood for neonatal nassas and it was all about baby astronauts baby You know, there's that zoo that was asking people to donate their pets.

I don't see why NASA can't respond by asking people to donate their babies. Get a job, babies. What if all babies are from the moon? That's where the story. That's where the space store, the interstorkelkerkerker. And we've got to go up there, and we've got to put those babies in orbit now, because do you know what? The Chinese will put babies up there. And do you want to know how smart they are?

They're sending babies. They're sending babies to the place where babies come from. I think he's doing a little bit of a Trump, but he, I think he started to do Trump, decided he didn't want to do a Trump. No, no, no, it's George C. Scott doing the missile gap thing. Oh, that was my second guess. Because, Ryan, I went to, I had the same, I had the same trepidation there. That was a close one.

So, so the space stork, is that the natural enemy? Ryan, you're a biologist. The space stork is the natural enemy of the moon snake? It's a clownfish sea anemone, kind of deal. Oh, shit. Okay, thank you. Of course. Spencer, for listeners who want to know what the hell we are talking about,

why are you mentioning a nuclear reactor on the moon? Because Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy will announce... That's not his only job. Additional cursed phrase. Where might we have first heard of this guy? He's done so much. If we were MTV Watchers over a quarter century ago, which I believe we all were, that is correct.

Can't relate. This gentleman was a lumberjack on the real world. I did not watch this. Boston 97 or something, but that was where this gentleman first. Honestly, a disgrace to lumberjack culture. You sell him. Boston's got, why does Boston have lumberjacks, first of all? That's my first question.

He was born in Hayward, Wisconsin. He was born in Hayward. That's how they make baseball bats. Was he born there? Yeah, it was born in Hayward. Oh, gross. Oh, you've tainted Hayward. Hayward, the site of.

the Lumberjack World Championships which I have covered as a reporter. I'm searching Hayward, Boston. This brings me only Gordon Hayward. I assume Hayward is a city in Boston. Does that do I have that right? The tree of a man. Yes. Yes. And like everyone in this administration.

That's actually where Gordon Wood comes from. This is foundational text to the American Republic. No, he's legit. He's legit. In this respect, he's legit. And only this respect. He grew up speed climbing and log rolling and doing all that stuff. Sure. Um, you know, he played hockey for Hayward high school's, uh, hockey team. He's Hayward Wisconsin. Yes, Hayward Wisconsin. So like, that's all, that's all 100% legit. After that, he's got the usual, uh, he's got this administration's usual resume of, I went to

eight schools with multiple names that you didn't hear. Like, he went to the William Mitchell College of law. And yeah, the rest of it's complete horse shit, except for two things. His lumberjack experience and his extensive MTV reality resume, including, but not. limited to road rules and the real world road rules challenge what greater road challenge is there than space travel when you think about it and what realer world is there than one in which there are nukes on the moon yes and then after that he just went this is our IP this is basically our IP it's fucked up that they're just trampling on can I tell you an alarming thing that I learned as I all right so so oh can you be more specific spent I didn't let Spencer finish why

Sean Duffy, who's both the Secretary of Transportation and I think the interim NASA administrator. Something I forgot about already. Wasn't he originally proposed to be NASA administrator and that got shot down? No, that was a different guy who was one of Elon Musk's

buddies. And when Trump and Elon had their split, he was like, no, Sean, you go do it instead. So this dude is replacement big balls? Yes. He is, yes, this is replacement space big balls. Yes, space balls. Space balls. They did say there is a sequel.

A term of our own invention. All right. So what did this man have to say about nuclear power on the moon? It's about winning the second space race at a NASA senior official. The idea being that the first country to put a reactor on the moon, sure, would declare a keepout zone, which could significantly inhibit the United States expansion on the moon. Yeah, does it say no girls allowed? I don't even think it's a treehouse. I think it's more like a dog mark in his territory.

Oh, Ryan, you don't think it's a treehouse on the moon? Do you want to venture out any further onto this limb? But there's no tree. How could there be on them? This is going hand in hand. I guess I should have called it thin ice, which is another lumberjacking thing. Are we going to end up with multiple competing nuclear reactors? Like, what if two countries get there at the same time,

and then there's a whole debate about who? built it first. And one has better snacks. So like in the idea of everything going backwards, sorry Ryan. And the idea of everything going backwards, this is going all in nuclear power in space flight or in space. When we backed off that a long time ago, remember there was at one point a plan to propel rockets or not rockets to propel spacecraft with nuclear bombs and set them off behind them.

Listen, I have some news for people who think they know what a rocket engine is. Yeah. But in addition to that, they're also really doubling down on manned flight, which while romantic, and what isn't romantic about poop floating around in the Apollo capsule, right? What isn't romantic about incinerating guys with PhDs who can fly fighter jets, right? They're like doubling down on that as well. They're like, yeah, we really, we need to do this. Also, we're going to replace the ISS with commercially run space stations friends if i have a boondoggle to sell you it's my commercial space station which will launch definitely as soon as this international reactor in space launches okay it's going to be the same time i'm going to put up a paypal you guys can just throw money at it it's going to come back to you tenfold and i can say that now because it's a lie and those are legal in

2025 so can i can i bring you some some science news that i learned what i so i saw this headline and i was like, all right, I would actually like to know more about what happened here. A couple of interesting things. Number one, the idea of putting a nuclear reactor of some sort or a nuclear power source of some sort on the moon predates this administration, at least under the Biden administration, this was the thing they talked about. Now, the original pitch was we want to put a 40 kilowatt nuclear generator on the moon. To give you a sense of what that is, you know those generators that they have at like,

the fair or like an outdoor parking lot where they're running like tall parking lot lights off of them yeah yeah that's a 40 kilowatt generator so we're not talking about like a shit ton of power number one we're not just checking at Chernobyl no no no number two part of the reason why they want to do this is that due to the movement of the moon and the sun and the earth the sun doesn't move we established that long ago it's like hey hey on, Galileo. Lunar nights are very long. Like a lunar night is about 14 and a half Earth days, so you can't really rely on solar power on the moon because there are these huge stretches where there is no

sunlight to capture. So the idea is for science, if you want to go up there and do long-term scientific research, you need a secondary source of power. But the thing that you've identified is the most interesting, that even in, like, All along, I think there has been the sense of, like, the first person to put a nuclear reactor on the moon will win the second space race of some sort.

And I think there's just a lot left there and be like, there's a lot of, and then what? That happens? I run a foreman grill off this bitch. That's what I'm doing. It's very video game achievement. Like, okay, you're going to put a, you're going to build a city around it. Then you're going to have to build an oil power. plant and that'll be

stinky. Then you'll need wind farms, but there's no wind. And also, you don't believe in batteries. So that's why another reason solar power won't work, because they don't believe solar power works on Earth. But... I am excited to see, like, I do think the RFPs for this are going to be pretty good. Take a fucking shot. We might as well file

one. I mean, for real. We can get it done for a thousand bucks. All I need to do, I'm making a new piece of time. Sorry, two hours ago, the administration is said to be moving to end $7 billion in solar energy. grants for low and moderate income families all right yeah that's that's where this is going so I'm going to start a new blue sky account called woke pickleball and I'm just

going to start posting a bunch of garbage and then I'm going to associate the LLC that I create with Ryan where we write I didn't sign on here where we write legal counsel I like associate with we just write reactor on a huge cardboard box on a burrito right put it like Like, you know, in Wolf of Wall Street, when they show the company the shed in the back that he's selling a penny stock off of, that's what we'll have. Be like, it's just two guys in Nashville. It's you and Godfrey, just selling reactors. Oh, see, I was thinking about Adam Jacoby after that one Iowa game, saying he felt like he had just robbed a bank using a banana with the word gun written on it. We can do that?

It did make me, do you remember the last time that there was a space story in the news? No. This was maybe like two months ago. The one where we just left the astronauts up there? Not, no, not that one. Yes, that was a big one. So like the last one in our kind of news? Yes.

A couple months ago, there was, I forget the context, but somebody, some spokesman of NASA, I think either of NASA or DOD, was giving some sort of a talk and was mentioning that we had a soldier in space. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then, and then, and they sort of like, so here's my theory.

No, no, no, Ryan, not just a soldier in space. on the moon i think that's right it was a soldier on the moon yes i think they walked it back to say like well you know in yes so i think they were listen not to use their favorite word they were using pronouns for this guy it was like he like you know this dude so i think we left we got us i think there's a soldier stranded on the moon i think instead of a rescue effort they're like let's give this guy a nuclear generator like let's at least make it come from all over hey man You can run a wireless speaker off that. You can get some tunes going.

You got a new CFB game and I can't play it? What the hell, man? Why am I picturing him picking up his communications device or whatever? And just Tom Nook's voice comes chittering out of it. So, yeah. I think this is all. I think we have one slowly going crazy moon soldier and we are sending up a little nuclear generator just to give him some shit to do. What's the scientific purpose of sending a carton of zins up to the moon?

We just need to. We want to see what it does up there. Nuclear zins. Nuclear zins. I think the problem is we have surely already lost this to the moon tardigrades that have been busily working on this for the years at which they've been up there. No, that's a good point. Like, okay, coming in second in the space, in the made-up second space race.

Yeah. Like, what if I just declare it, okay, it's a space race to build a coal? coal power plant on the moon. That's my space race. I'm going to beat you with that one. It is a wonderful. I'm still just assuming that we, that we lose to China in this scenario,

meaning like, are we supposed to be satisfied with a podium finish in the second space race? That's like a space race that we invented. No one knew this was a space race until the guy from real world said so. It is to pull it into a little bit of a meta place. It is a helpful reminder to me. It is useful to me to be like,

oh, who the message comes from really matters in these things. Because once I went back and looked, I was like, okay, I can see like why scientists are like, yes, we need nuclear power on the moon. But when it comes from, road rules guy who's like, don't take the subway, it's too dangerous. You know what, safe, expedited nuclear reactor on the moon. It's hard for me to take it seriously at all. Yeah, yeah. If Bill Nye says this, I'm like, yes, sir, let's get it done. Good, some merits, yeah.

I believe you, sir. Yeah, sure. Also, are we really trying to beat communists to a radioactive event? Please, please. This isn't even the nuke story I wanted to talk about this week. And we got shoved out the headlines. I wanted to talk about the wasps. Oh, yeah.

Hot wasps. Nuclear wasps? Yeah. Oh, buddy. So Savannah River Nuclear Sites. Which always confuses everybody because it's an Aiken. But this is folks, if you're not from God's country. This is on the Savannah River, which is on the Georgia, South Carolina border where we're talking about.

They found some wasp nests on the outside of some containment facilities that were super high in radiation. But the thing that, and everyone's been making their hot wasps jokes and shout out to hot frogs, this is very real. And I'm glad we're all having our fun, but I think everybody's missing the best part of this. story which is that they didn't actually find the wasps they just found the nests they're out there they didn't find they didn't find dead wasps they didn't find like super angry wasp within the hives that the wasps not in evidence i know i know when they're going to show up what's the opposite yeah for georgia tag georgia what's the opposite of of Chekhov's gun when you do when it's not introduced and that's a dramatic tool.

Chekhov's missing gun. Chekhov's gun cabinet. I was thinking that they were going to show up August 31st at Mercedes Ben Stadium when South Carolina cranks up sandstorm to play Virginia Tech. Drawn to their song. I think that makes sense. I am I will say I am disappointed that we're not not going to put a, like, Simpson-style nuclear reactor on them. Like, if you're going to do it, just fucking do it. Russia is still in the running, friend. Russia is still in the running. You're right.

Like, if we can't see it from here, what's the point? If you want people to stay away from your shit on the moon, put an RBMK reactor up there. Be like, uh, quick note, there's no water to, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Neil Armstrong got a whole ass Purdue degree and still never figured out this effective a way to be alone. Russian engineers are trying to figure out a way to run this off of piss and sweat. I'm like, yes, pee into a reactor every single day.

This will cool it. Once we do, here's the thing. Once we do this, all bets are off. Like, think about how many experiments we conducted in, like, the 50s to the 70s, where it was like, well, I don't know, this could, like, fold the earth in on itself. But if we can just go to the moon where it's a consequence-free, are you fucking kidding me? It's a rumpus room for science. up there. We might get the cartoon

thing where you look up and you just see an explosion up there and you go, not my problem. Well, at least we won the space race. Looks like we won the shit out of it, brother. Hey, it's called a space race, not a space stay. I'm

welcome to the shutdown forecast you are listening to the internet's only college football podcast yet again i am spencer hall joined always by jason kirk ryan nanny holly anderson and michael server on the ones and twos you know what we're going to do something a little different here i'm going to take this we just steered into the podcast i'm going to steer us directly directly into something else, podcast business. Podcast business. This is so musically. What's that business?

Podcast business. It's a business. Podcast business. Massive business. News. It's not radioactive. Waspillar in. Can I ask a question?

Have you ever thought about just like producing a trumpet for when we do one of these as a surprise? No. Okay. But if I had, I wouldn't say yes. You can play the trumpet and you just never said anything. You can't play the trumpet, yeah.

Wait, are you kidding? I can. You played what in band? Trumpet was your primary. I thought you played. I thought you played mellophone. I played both. I played French Warren entropy.

Yeah, you'd dual-wielded. No good. So your best load out was trumpet? God, that'd be hectic. Have you guys ever heard Brian Phillips talk about being in Mongolia with this guy, and he just starts speaking Russian? and has never mentioned in this whole journey to the Eurasian pole of inaccessibility

that he speaks one of the languages they're going to be there and Brian's like Spencer, I didn't know you spoke Russian and Spencer turns around I goes, I don't and then he turns back in chat for like four minutes

and then he turns back around and goes, this guy's a plumber. How do you say plumber in Russian? I had to say like guy who fucks with pipes basically. I didn't know the word from plumbers. You mean Mario? Are you talking about Mario?

J.R. Smith? It's like Vod of provoked. chick. Yeah, I had to take like three right turns or four right turns to make this left, right? Like I had to, yeah, I had to go around the block a couple of times. How did you say pipe? A pipe? I totally

forget. I knew at the time. That's all you needed. The information came to you at the time. All right. Sorry, I derailed us on podcast. Remember the big surprise there is that I have skills. It's amazing. Yes, we have some massive

full cast news. Piping news coming from the pipe pros. Building our own pipeline, if you will. Sure. Brian? My turn first? Yes. Okay. So if you have been listening over the past few months, you might have noticed

that things have been a little different from the podcast business point of view. We have mostly not been running any advertisements. You have not seen any partnership that we have with a podcast network or a public or you know whoever and there is a reason for that behind the scenes and this is surprising to everyone hearing it including me we have been working we have been

talking to speak for yourself we have been talking to a number of different companies potential partners about sort of like what version god let's say five of the the shutdown forecast would look like I don't know like yeah yeah I don't want to mark five let's call it season five and really confusing people many with many patches chapter five series five of our BBC mini series forward forward re forward fullcast um we've we've been trying to figure out okay what is season five of the shutdown forecast look like there it is as we all have lots of other projects going on um and when I say other projects I mean like the things that we pay mortgage

and buy grocery with and things like that but you know whatever we'll worry about that another time um before we get into the details the shutdown forecast is not dead or dying or being sent off to the moon so if that was your concern not yet one day we've tried that before one day we'll kill we'll kill this dracula but today's not the day blah it's called dracula because it sucks So this leads to Immortal sucks, sexy. Seameless baton handoff. I'm sorry, you said Dracula in my mind just exploded. We've been building this since February.

It's going fine. No, it's fine. This is what it looks like when we're trying. So about all those companies that we've been meeting with. Yeah, we're not going to be working with any of them. We met them, they met us, and it was like, no offense to precisely one of them who knows who they are. Sorry, sorry, CNN.

Offer rejected. No offense to Wendy's, but it's not a fit. Many of the people we talked to who wanted to work with us, this Fall and Beyond, they've been very smart. Some of them even seemed like they'd listened to the show before. that's always a surprise for us, but for a number of different reasons, none of them felt like a great fit for us. This isn't meant to sound mysterious. I mean, we're not shit-talking any of them. I can't throw one big reason out there as an example for you. In 2025, in the current

media environment, nobody wants to hear a potential sports podcast tell a potential advertising partner that they're not interested in doing gambling content and running crypto ads and having fucking anything to do with AI like not one fucking thing and unfortunately for those people this is the full cast and nobody's ever wanted to hear about or hear from us about anything at all nothing yes anything no and yet here we all are right So, and here you are, our beautiful niche readership out here raising millions of dollars for charity, showing up for your communities, like people who give a damn about the world and your place in it. And the moon. And the moon.

Which is not a place. Your love, your love achieves a speed of velocity. The theoretical concept that is the moon. Like gender. Yes. We love you, by the way. did you did you know that you should know that so we don't want a publisher had those don't want one uh we want to be independent and that leads to another question just like you con how do we fund that everybody on

this show believe it or not has a day job of some sort we would very much like to pay our long suffering producers for their time sorry server so that leads to the second obvious path. If we're not going to join a network and sell ads, is to throw a paywall around the whole thing. And to be honest, we don't have a great business reason for why we didn't want to do that other than we've been bringing this show to y'all for free for a long time now. And this felt like a particularly shitty moment in which to say, hey, sorry, there's a cover charge at this club now. Nobody liked that thought. So where we've landed is a place. we've actually been before.

We've been in a very similar spot in 2020 with Simple 7. We were here in 2021 with Channel 6. We were here in 2024 with Jason's book. And most recently, we've been here with Ryan and Godfrey at Phantom Island earlier this summer. And the constant in all of that is that, sorry to be serious, but when we bet on ourselves and then when we allow you guys to show your support in a manner of your choosing, ladies, guys too. Good work happens. Our best creative work happens. You all certainly seem to enjoy it out there. And a number of you have even asked us in the current hellscape, which God do we appreciate,

how you can support the show more outside of our merch shop and live events. We've never really had an answer for you. Well, here's your moment. We are launching a Patreon. Oh, so original. Patreon.com slash shutdown full cast. Jason, can you check that for? me, is that right? That's right. Okay, thank you. Jason has the keys. It's very important that we gave the keys to somebody responsible, which is why Spencer and I don't have them. By the time you were listening to this, that Patreon will be live. You can go to patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast. There will be a number of stupid vanity URLs pointed at that probably. Also, by the time this comes out, Patreon, that means you are putting up at payroll. What the hell? Whoa, whoa,

Oh, whoa. Hang on. Hang on. Everybody calm down. Everybody calm down. The flagship forecast, the year-round midweek episodes like the one you are listening to right now, are going to live out in front of that Patreon year-round for free, for you. There will be, for the next calendar year, this is our business plan. There will be one ad. That ad is going to be home field apparel. Our longest running, our favorite partner. You will like the home field ad because it's a, home field ad it's going to be fine so what all is going to live back behind that wall full cast after dark for one thing is going back there bonus episodes going back there hey what do i mean by bonus episodes well by the time you hear this if we get everything if we get all the keys turned in the right directions there should be two bonus episodes up for you right now one of them is our annual offseason diaries where we talk about all of our favorite movies and games and music uh from this past off season. And the other one is, as threatened for many years, the very first installment of the Hogronomicon. It is over two hours in length. It is a loving retelling of a

selection of the past century of Arkansas football disasters featuring me, Jason and Spencer. And it is truly already, even with nobody having heard it yet. It is one of my favorite things that we've ever done. So that's about it. We are also in typical full cast fashion figuring out a lot of this as we go. But all you need to know for the moment is this show, the one you're listening to right now, going to be free, going to stay free. Partnership with Homefield, out in front. You don't have to change your feed. You don't have to do anything. If you would like to give us money, we will give you some treats on a basis and a cadence to be decided by our, us. And for that and more information on how you can do that, I'm going to hand the sticks

over to Jason. So if you've ever looked at Patreon before, you know that there are no podcasts on there. But as the first podcast to join Patreon, we have decided to go with the tiers structure. And we've decided on a very complex and intricate system of tiers. The starting tier is, of course, the booster tier. Four dollars a month. That's roughly a dollar a week. And with that, you get all that stuff Holly mentioned. You get our two plus. hour, I don't know the exact runtime, Arkansas episode, a kind of deep dive that I'm really looking forward to doing more of these. And, you know, as Holly mentioned, the cadence will be more of these, by the way. This is not a one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cadence for those will

be, it'll be what it'll be. The universe will provide to you, our Patreon booster, what it will provide. It's a dollar a week. What do you want? We've also, you know, we've talked about some other stuff that might go there. It's forecast. It'll be experimental. we will not make any promises, but we will do our best to make it worth a dollar a week. Additionally, in this complex web of tiers, we have the mega booster tier. That one is for a comical number of money. It's $100 a month, and it gives you the exact same stuff that you get in the booster tier, along with the personal satisfaction of knowing your funding even larger victories.

That's it. That's the mega booster tier. Additional, that's it, those are the two tiers. that's it also there is some sort of a way in patreon that you can pay what you want if you ask me to verbally recount how to do this my brain will sort of lock up and horrify everyone around me but if you ask me to write it down i'll be able to do that it'll be at patreon.com slash shutdown fullcast just because i you know we know you all like your novelty numbers for monthly uh monthly payments and so forth so if you want to put 1310 a month in there that's fine yeah if you want a silly meme

number um we're going to figure out how to do that and have it in the notes there uh so yeah if you want to make your own rick ross tier for 222 a month you you can also fine yeah rick ross uh that was the score via which he defeated cumberland in uh 19 18 was it uh i don't know it was really young and yeah that's uh that's the money stuff all right everybody good we're also here no no not good All right. Because it's still podcast business, and it's still a free episode. So that means it's time to talk about home field.

Homefield apparel. Homefield apparel. Speaking of a home field ad. Spencer, do you like going to clothing stores? I love nothing more, Ryan. Okay. Oh, you were really asking. I'm even allowed in some of them.

All right. That's not the answer I wanted or needed, but that's fine. What if instead of going to a clothing store? I said yes. I know. I just wanted an honest reaction. We're getting married. Oh, God.

All right. What if instead of going to a clothing store, a high-quality thoughtful company could send you a box just full of delightful, I don't know, let's say, Florida Gators' merchandise for you to wear this college football season? That'd be even better, Ryan. Wow. Well, if you are a fan of Florida or one of any of 44 other teams, you could live this. reality with the football boxes that are coming out, I think it's August 8th, which is Friday. I have a good sense of space and time from Homefield Apparel as the first, as the launching salvo, as their nuclear fissile material on the moon of Can't Miss Kickoff.

I regret to inform you there's a Penn State box and it looks sick. There's all these boxes. There's a Clemson box. We were talking about this before the show started. It's got it, I think, a long sleeve with a tiger jumping over. stadium fucking amazing um the auburn box has a hat that feels that feels so so so 1990 that it like i think you will actually turn into terry bowden i think you will put it on and you will transform into terry bowden and occupy his his place in the universe until you take the hat off

you'll be saying where's my secretary so i will swatch place swap places with him that's right you will have to do my chores. There's a wazoo box. There's, like, listen, rather than rely on us to describe it, so you definitely go over to Homefield Apparel's various social media outlets and look at the box and see what awesomeness awaits you. But again, this is just the beginning of the Can't Miss kickoff season. More awaits you that we are not allowed to talk about yet, but we'll talk about very, very soon. It's Homefield. Yeah. So now I'm happy because I got to talk about home field but before that i was very cranky that's true people say that about you get she come to a clothing store with me and no i don't believe now is the soft i honestly don't believe

that you've been to a clothing store it's been a minute spencer what's my time you were in a clothing store i've seen spencer in a uh country western um clothing store to buy a belt that was how long ago was that it was uh during our austin show and okay okay so before coven is what you're telling me. Okay. I went to Target in Ann Arbor with Spencer to buy a jacket. That doesn't count.

That doesn't count. We're in the clothing section. No, like, I, I, I, no, I'm talking about Spencer just going to a clothing store. If it has cheese or, if it has jerky, then he could buy, it's not a clothing store. Okay, then that rules out what I was going to tell you. Old Navy, okay, come on, but Old Navy selling jerky,

do you know how much fucking money you'd make? What if they entered the chicken sandwich market and competed against them? The old Navy hot and spicy. I want old Navy like grill rollers. Oh, it's got jeans in it, but it's pretty good still. Blue jerky. Yeah.

That Abercrombie and fish fish sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sure. Ew. Sorry, that took me a minute. Okay. That's, that's it. That's the end of podcast business.

I mean, there's other stuff, but we've done a lot here today. See, it would have been great with the trumpet. which I play don't make him go back to the old him yeah don't it's got it got it buried in under the driveway like it like an old jazz man I picked that thing up and all of a sudden my bones start aching for heroin yeah I'm thinking I'm back bopopopop back ah dang it the needle the needle and jazz my only two loves who are you even who is that chat baker oh server you can unmute that cackle

it's fine oh boy my old addiction it's back these are going great this is a great episode this is a great episode I yeah I wanted to play a little game with you guys today because I realize that it's there are names that we have to learn

because like a kindergarten teacher we read the rosters we learn the for fall and then usually we forget a lot of them and then you have to remember them for fall again outside of a few standout players for each team and that's made even worse is that how you think kindergarten works well yeah you know well yes teacher you learn yeah they go to first grade and then i know for a fact the standouts remain in kindergarten yeah and then the standouts come back to kindergarten because that's how school works. That's what they told me, Ryan. Who wouldn't want to stay in kindergarten?

It's when you get the most recess and nap time. So, like, that you reward the big earners. Sucker. You told them you could read? Who the fuck would leave kindergarten? Yeah. It's made worse by the fact that... Spoken like a baby astronaut.

To the stars in diapers. The thing that I... need that I'm having trouble with is remembering everybody who is transferred especially at the quarterback position because no one transfers more than quarterbacks like quarterbacks have an incredible transfer rate something like 37 35 percent of all quarterbacks will transfer at one point the lowest I believe is defensive end if you get a defensive end people are like keep him it's like defensive end and tackles like if you got a if you have an honest to god left tackle you are mortgaging your own home as a coach to keep that this makes sense the

the quarterbacks have to transfer because the defensive ends aren't they're running away from the defense events yeah it's they're just literally running from them they're like yeah I don't want to think that guy again uh Ubbin did a story last week that was like among like blue chips quarterbacks are like three times as yeah that's the story yes thank you for source of me yes David Ubbin had a good story on this on the actual numbers behind people because people will wait on tackles like i bet you'll see like a left tackle accidentally like tackle his own quarterback and the coach will be like that's all right son you'll learn you'll get it right um i hit a home run good job left tackle we'll get you on football yet we'll

work you because if you can get a left tackle and develop them my god you will keep them because they are that valuable quarterbacks valuable in a different way in the sense that they're going to transfer for a lot of different reasons especially because they all think they're number one and they all think they could be number one somewhere. And frankly, after watching Cam Ward's trip to the Heisman last year through the underbelly of college football incarnate word to wazoo to his Heisman season, I think that's the way everybody's thinking now. They're like, yeah, I'll just do what that guy did.

So in doing a bunch of previews for Channel 6, you know, $10 a month for two things a week. Sorry, you missed your chance. You had your chance. Illegal business. Illegal business. You can only get Channel 6 the amount of money we tell you to. Like a Chinese satellite covertly putting a reactor on the moon. I was trying to just slip it in there.

But we trust you to spend your own money, which is why we're doing the fullcast thing. That's right. But in doing all of this, I realize that we have so many transfers that I don't really think, I don't think, one, we haven't talked about a lot. And two, I know we've already forgotten. Because everybody transfers and you go, okay, cool, they're there now. And then you look up on the fall depth charts and you go, Oh, shit, I forgot he was there.

It's almost, like, past my skills of memory on a good day to the point where it almost feels like, server, get the sound effect ready. Oh, shit. It almost feels like. What did you do? Magic. The drug war wizard.

Oh, my God. I can't believe they're not going to be able to see the animation that just came with that. Help post it. Did you make that? Serber, I didn't know that was coming. Serber, you made this? Yeah. This vision with Gandolfs.

Gandalfs? Gandalfs? Gandai. Gandai, yes, that is true. He, oh, wow. So, so. Can we hear it again? No, no, no, I see the vision.

Because he transferred. Sure. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. And his eye. That's right He transferred and came back

Like, some players Do that, not many He changed jerseys That's all that's all can't halted It's just wearing a old Yeah, he got, listen, he got a press Mm-hmm He did get a press

Didn't want to be in a passing offense Got a hot oil treatment He did, he really got a glow up I am back The Transfer Wizard, I am here So you are the transferer wizard, Wizard. You're Gandalf?

Yes. I am Gandalf. Chronological with that tracks. And the Transfer Wizard is here to test you. Wait, you can't even ride a horse. But you are white. And dead. Yes. All of these things.

And I got a new press. So it checks. Did you, wait, did you get a haircut just for this joke? Just to be Gandalf? That would be awesome. But no. Do you have a robe? I do have a robe.

What color is it? It's white. Wow. Eerie. Didn't know you were a Russian oligarch. Wow. I do. I had a feeling.

So the Transfer Wizard is here to test you, pupils, adepts, acolytes. Because one thing that the Transfer Wizard allows you to do is to disappear in the portal and reappear somewhere else. Magically. Are you talking to? three of us or the audience or college football quarterbacks.

My accolades. OK, gotcha. Oh, this is the time of your people actually start to expect football from us. And I like that this is what we give them. One of Spencer's Warhammer armies does disappear and reappear thing. And so I've seen him to make that exact sound.

Swift as the eagle. Jason, does he do that voice while you're playing? Oh, yes. Are you just doing this character so that you can claim your Warhammer figure as a business expense. Oh, yes, and I'm also doing it so I can play this sound bite. The Tramper Wizard.

So what I will do is you all have been studying your spell books, and you understand the words you need to say in order to go from one place to another. And you know, the portal itself is very fickle. You must say the words exactly as they appear in the box. portal what I'm going to do students since we are working specifically on I don't like that he keeps calling us students and teleportation what we're going to do is I'm going to describe like why did you why did you go with the Lord of the Rings thing but now you're doing like a school thing like it's Harry Potter and I get why we're

not doing a Harry Potter thing but because this is no one's IP right we cannot be helpful we can't very soon for it very Warhammer are we um Are we hobbits? Yes. Yes. It's like that. Legally, no. Is anybody wearing shoes right now?

I'm not. Nope. If you don't, can we speak to your attorney? No. In fact, you can only speak to one magical entity who has all of your answers, and he is the. All right, so what we'll do is I'm going to give you,

all right, the class. I'm going to give you the trajectory. need you to take through the portal, okay, by location. And then you will say the magic words to make that transfer. Okay. Heralds of Galactus. Usually in the form of a name of a quarterback who has taken this exact path. If you say these words, then bam, you can, you can do magical things. Like, for instance, our first, we'll start simple, very, very simple, okay? for instance what if i wanted you to start by committing to alabama but then going to a athens georgia and then making a magical excursion to miami florida what spell would you cast

carson bag yes yes i'm sorry i didn't know if it needed to come with a movement or something no the transfer wizard is pleased thank god oh good this is now third person oh good yes i was wondering how were going to make this worse. That is, that is correct. Hit us, hit us with the noise and celebration, sir. There we go. He's back with another one. We need to put the, we need to put the animation up first so that people have it before

and can play it every time they hear it in the episode. Because I don't feel like you're getting, I don't feel like you're being treated to the full impact at home or on your commute without being subjected to the visual. I think we can all agree that the best soundboards, only have one button, right? Yeah. Like a car horn. Yeah. Or a clown horn. Yeah. Okay.

In the Symphony of Life, you're the guy with the big hammer and mauler, right? You're just bang. God, how true. All right. So, tell me the words, the magic spell. If I need you to transfer, to disappear from State College, Pennsylvania to Columbia, Missouri at the quarterback position. is this the Penn State that was this last year's Penn State backup who I think played for them in the Minnesota game I don't remember his name hmm remembers the concept but not the spell I don't know this is and I don't know how to say his name but I know it sounds like a leg bone I don't think this is like magic word it sounds like a leg bone that's a very good description but I don't want to get it wrong yes oh Bohn McGee. The transfer wizard will give you the answer.

Jack Femmer. Bo Probula. Tell me that's not a gland. Yeah. I don't think I knew he wound up at Missou. Yes. Is he going to be the starter? Allegedly.

Allegedly. Everything is magical. Everything is magical. I hid the chimes from you and this is what you did in response. That's right. That's exactly. Servers and tears. And you know what?

That's great, because I think it's a good time. It's a good time. You know the server has to listen to all this again to edit it, right? He doesn't have to. Transfer Wizard! The Transfer Wizard! Oh. If you're at home, you can print out this picture of Gandalf and tape it to your dashboard.

So that when you're driving along and you hear this, you can look over and get the full effect. Yeah. It's really going to make the insurance claim zesty. It will be. It will be. It'll make it magical. I wasn't in the driver's seat. Have you ever used this voice on your kids? Yes. It doesn't work. How did they like it?

I hate it. Oh, good. Now the Transfer Wizard will ask, should I need you to... Transfer Wizard, I have a question. Yeah. Uh-oh. Yes? Are we just doing quarterbacks? Just doing quarterbacks.

We're just doing quarterbacks today. Gotcha. Okay, thank you. Now, what is the spell one needs to recite, to intone, to go through the portal from Pullman, Washington to Norman, Oklahoma? That's an easy one, transfer wizard. The John Mateer, of course. Oh, hit him with it!

Wait, that's our word. No, he's pleased. The transfer wizard is so pleased. We should get to not hear it if we get it right. Possible That's right John Mateer John Mateer currently

in Norman Oklahoma slated to do all kinds of weird stuff I have a business Oh sorry Ryan Transfer Wizard can you tell me One of the running backs he will have with him

who transferred from Cal to Oklahoma Jaden Ott That's good play the song Oh my God Transfer Wizard got Transfer Wizard Wow Oh my God

Wow The Dragon Wizard Play it backwards See if it sounds satanic It will It says home field apparel If you play it the other way

Next Next What if you need to go from New Orleans to Durham From New Orleans to Durham? Common Common thing I've done That would be the That's Mensa, right?

Yes Terry and Mensa, Terry and Mensa, who's the reason that you'll get a lot of... Not a smart call. Yeah, a lot of ultimately doomed, Duke winning the ACC. Listen. Ah, fuck it. Shoot your shot. It could happen. It's good.

Come on. Come on now. Nothing would be greater than Manny Diaz winning the ACC. Well, Miami fails, too. You kidding me? Particularly if he does it in the shittiest manner possible. Oh, 100%. Don't yell at me.

Some of us were at the last Duke ACC championship game. How'd that go? Don't worry about it. It happened. Yep. Much like this podcast. Duke football. Hell yes, Duke football.

Yeah. What? It's 17. What's the trickiest point situation we can create for Mario Crystal Ball's mind? 1611? 16. I was going to say 16, 15. Yeah.

Some sort of. No, no, we need four, I think. Okay. 1612. 1612, a minute and 38 seconds left in the fourth quarter. Miami has the ball. Go. I, hmm.

Yes. Listen, as the internet's longest running Mario defender, this is our year. Just go ahead and clip that. What does this is our year mean? We'll all find out together. What if I need you to magically travel from college station to Houston? because the wizard is very tired. He doesn't want to go that far.

That is a frequent one. That's still a hall. The Transfer Wizard only has an eighth of a tank of gas. The Transfer Wizard had a beautiful horse, and he wrote it too long today. Oh, I'm really sorry. Can I throw in, can I, while everybody else is scrying for the spell, can I tell you a bit of Jimbo news that got thrown at us by a reader? Yes.

Oh, yeah. Because of all the texts, of all, of all, of all, the messages we like to get throughout the week and we get a lot of them y'all y'all are great with the tips and one of my favorite things about this audience is that we never get tips that are off topic like when when you guys you guys have been with us for long enough our audience has been with us for long enough and people who are new and and kind of you know joining midstream as it were are very very good at knowing the assignment when it comes to giving us tips which is why we never have to sift through things like oh you know i heard such and such has a high

high left ankle sprain, and why we only hear things like, hey, Jimbo is at my dad's cow auction. And he was. Which is a message that we got this week. Looking great, by the way. They looked happy. Transfer Wizard is the quarterback you're looking for Connor Wegman. Yes, that is the, that is, the wizard is pleased. Reward my young students, my grand pupil.

With our fanfare. What do I get at the end of this? What is like, nolly magic! Do I become the transfer wizard? Ooh, I think you have to duel. Do we fight to the death? Right, does that make you the Balrog? I would love to be the Balrog.

That'd be awesome. I think either Lane Kiffin or Dion Sanders is the transfer wizard if we're being honest. It's one of the two of them. Not Mike Norville? That's not what I heard. Mike Norville? Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

I don't know, though. You'd have to actually be winning with it, I think. Not necessarily. No. You didn't say that. But for different reasons. The only thing the Transfer Wizard promises is transfer. He's not the winning Wizard.

He's not the Three and Nine wizard. You go somewhere. I mean, yeah, like a Fire Wizard, where are they going to do? Make fire. That's right. That's right. But they might only be a level two, Fire Wizard. It might even be unreasonable for you to ask other things of them.

Yeah. The Transfer Wizard can only promise... The Transfer Wizard can only promise you challenge. For instance, what spell would be? would you cast to take one of college football's most daunting journeys from Berkeley to Bloomington. You would cast Fernando Mendoza. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Hit it with that shit. That's amazing, Ryan. It's not called the judgment wizard. Listen. The drugger wizard. I accidentally insulted Indiana football right there, and as my betters, I really should not.

I'm sorry about that, but Jesus, that's a weather swap. I don't think this is that. daunting a transfer because you're just moving from one school that beat Auburn to another school that could be that's a very good point they're essentially the same yeah scientifically yeah that's really good that's really good although we're all going to the vandy game right we're just marking that down right now uh yeah definitely uh just spoke it yeah just spoke it oh the transfer wizard has but two more questions for you two more two more two more One, a personal favorite of the Transfer Wizard.

Spencer, I got a business idea for you. You ever thought about doing an SAT prep course? No, but that's a great idea. In this exact voice. The analogy wizard. That's right. I will get you into a solid-ish state school. This thing is like that other thing.

The Transfer Wizard recommends prescription amphetamines for focus. those fuckers in prep school are cheating you might as well do too yeah I just had a telehealth experience with the transfer wizard it felt pretty dicey I mean listen to all of our ancestors would telehealth have been distinguishable from magic that's a really good point mm-hmm that's a really good point that's uh makes you think and sometimes cough up blood a hundred milligrams of time release by then you're gonna need

You're going to need telehealth when you get radiation poisoning on the moon. That's for sure. You know, you're going to need a George Format grill and a cold sixer. That's what you're going to need. That's all you're doing. You cook those bubble burgers and kissed your ass goodbye. Had you a nice meal and glow quietly. You're about to transfer to the pearly gates.

They need starters. You're coming. I will say this. If heaven is real and you became the first person to die in a rachelors, radiation accident on the moon, I think have it would be like, that's pretty cool. You died and snap to be like, woo, yeah, my boy did it. I hope, like, if there's an afterlife, that'd be awesome. If you come to and they're like, dude, that was fucking incredible.

They'd be like, there are a lot of testaments to humorous up here, but you might be the biggest one. You're the first guy to, the first guy to try to land a 720 off L cap. That was sick. That wasn't even suicide. You thought you'd land it, bro. That's fully using your gifts on this world. The transfer wizard has but one more, and it is the most complex of spells.

It is one that must be recited accurately. I hope this is a multiple transfer. It is a multi-transfer. You'll have to hit many gates in the warp. Good. And, all right, keep it high on Astronomicon, because this one, this one's complex. He does look like Andros.

Yes. What I need you to do is I need you to travel from College Station, Texas, to Auburn, to San Antonio, and then to Lexington. That's what we need you to do. I mean, a station is not a destination. You said, College Station to Auburn. Auburn, Alabama. San Antonio to Lexington. Kentucky.

Don't do either of those things. I'm blanking on this dude's name, but yeah, he did have an incredible journey. I was really hoping this is going to be Jaden Roshana. I'm about to inform a lot of you something that you don't know. Because I know some of you were screaming the name, but a lot of you are like, who the hell could this be? Oh, no, I'm, no.

Is this a coach? I don't have it. No, but I'm going to. Are you looking it up? No, I'm going to get a date right for you. I'm going to get a date. It's funny if he was a date right for you. He's looking it up.

So. Pay no intention to the. transfer wizard behind the curtain in 2021 the southeastern conference offensive player of the week the davy o'brien award player of the week and the maxwell award player of the week upset alabama by passing for 285 yards with three touchdowns and one interception in the 41 38 upset over bama the answer to this spell is Zach Calzada no shit

Zach Calzada who after doing that transferred from A&M to Auburn hated it left then decided and again I may have mentioned Cam Ward intentionally because guess who else

went to incarnate word Cam Ward's a very sorcery name it is it is the wizard the wizard is pleased that you've noted this adept. Yeah, he went to Incarnate Word and played two years there. And last year went 11 and 3 and through for 35 TDs and 3,700 yards. He was, he was awesome.

And he flipped that into going to Kentucky, where he will be playing football this fall. Zach Kowzada, a complex spell. I do not blame you for not knowing it. But study up, young ones, because we will eventually play another edition of... The Tramper Wizard. Transor Wizard, I would like to test your skill. Oh, a challenge.

A duel! What a delightful reversal, pupil! The voice is contagious. A dual emerges. all right transfer wizard if i wanted to go from baton rouge to auburn to where i got to look where this place is i know the name of this school please hold san marcos oh my god to i'm not done yet i have to bolling green kentucky to new orleans what name would i utter to try to to execute this multi-transfer journey.

Oh, my God. Is he still here? What? Is this like a seventh-year guy? No, don't forget, this is, the COVID super seniors still are not all out. This journey began in 2020, and this, this player has appeared already for four different teams across five different seasons, and there are some. I can't believe there's not an entire split zone duo episode about that.

There are some minor legal issues, maybe more than minor legal issues that may prevent this person from playing for their fifth team. But the transfer was affected, at least. So who am I talking about transfer wizard? Oh, my God. I want to say he has a name like Calvin Ridley. It's not Calvin Ridley, but he has a name like that. No, I would agree it's not Calvin Ridley. No, he has a name like that and I can see him.

I wouldn't rule it out. Yeah, you're kind of in the bright ballpark. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shit, because he was definitely in the running for starter there. He has a name that ends with like E, like EY. Yes, that's true. Um, and does they have initials? He has initials.

He does. Fuck me. Um, he's a big fucker too. Like he's, he wears, he wears, he wears, I see him wearing a helmet. No, it is something. The wizard is close. And he has strange, strange petrusions from his shoes. T.J. Finley.

That's the one. Woo! They should put a number on his shirt so you could tell who he is. T.J. Finley. The transfer wizard. Who is the transfer wizard? That's right. It's Ryan.

T.J. Finley enrolled early at LSU in 2020 and has transferred to Auburn, Texas State, Western Kentucky, and in December of last year to Tulane, he was suspended indefinitely in April of this year for a legal possession of his stolen Dodge Ram truck I don't know where that stands so I'm not sure what's going All Dodge Ram trucks are theft Yes The other thing that I was going to say before I got it right

Was plays like he has a case of drop foot Even though he doesn't That was yeah That was the last thing I remember he has a really weird gate So yeah I think the most The best the most like the truest experience of t j finley is that is two years at auburn he was at auburn for two seasons

his first season he threw six touchdowns and one pick and went oh and three his second season he threw one touchdown and four picks and went two and one no notes oh well thank you all for playing the transfer wizard is going to disappear into the portal He's going to, he is going to, he's going to, he's going to halal guys.