Shutdown Fullcast - Two Nights at the Hell-agio

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

Topics of note this week include: 1. The Pac-12 turns itself into an enormous casino 2. What the exact age you became a person was 3. How many hours precisely one can spend in Las Vegas before the sadness sets in 4. Which team should actually get to play home games in The Rose Bowl 5. Nick Saban wants skinnier hosses Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown full cast, cast, cast, cast, Oh, why the show to needy music for the internet's only college football podcast, you ask. Why the sounds of drums is if a show was beginning? Probably because I think we're just going to end up talking a lot about Las Vegas tonight, boys. And by boys, I mean boys, because Holly's out tonight. frequent guest, Holly Anderson, and in addition to that, Ryan is out. And that leaves you and me, Jason, along with Serber. What's up? Serber, chime in. Hello? Oh, how are we doing? This is your captain speaking. Uh-oh. Can you imagine, by the way, if the pilot who influenced everyone's

voice and the way that we speak over airplane radios was not Chuck Yeager from West Virginia with his distinct laconic growl over the mic but instead it was like fred schneider of the b 52s right it's your captain speaking we're landing well i think the thing there is every plane would have to be a b 52 right yeah it's 737 well yeah that's what it says on the uh side of the fuselage but we're gonna call it a b 52 buddy like yeah we're making great time in this b 52 we're gonna we got wind at our back We're going to shave half an hour off. I mean, obviously all this would be delivered in Fred Schneider voice, but... Yeah, we're going to have no problem finding taxi space because, you know, if they don't clear out,

we're just going to bomb the hell out of Newark. That's how you're landing in Newark, actually. We're dropping you right on the runway. The only way to get a spot. Like the Muppets, we're just going to throw you right out of the cargo hold. This plane's going to Milan. You're going here. When you said, boys only show...

like Ryan is the only man here yeah Ryan is the only man the only man but he's not the he's not the adult the only adult is Holly right somehow somehow Ryan has gotten to man no man child

I will put Ryan at okay okay okay right whereas I'm only Floyd's the adult yeah Floyd is the adult I am the weirdest result which is very old boy he's a very old boy

when I was you can tell me if you were like this at all when I was like you know four or five six or whatever I was like I'm an old soul right like I was basically 14 at age three but here's the thing once I passed 14 I never stopped being

14 I've just been like between age two and right now I've been 14 the entire time 14 so you think that's like your your chronological default in your brain right yeah because there's probably there's probably points in the day where you go i'm feeling about 32 and then sure you go i'm feeling about 71 right now and then you probably might bounce back down

to like you know 17 but then you end up settling on 14 right yeah well i mean like it's just always been 14 like when i was you know eight or whatever oh i'm so much smarter than these uh these idiots in second grade whatever fucking grade you're in you know but like of course no i wasn't you know It's just a snobby little dickhead. But like now, now that I have passed the age of 14, there has been no change. Just an entire life lived at age 14. That's a pretty decent set, though, because at 14, you're starting to at least come a little bit out of the fog of pre-adolescence. Pre-adolescence is the time where I think everybody's just sort of a lump, just an unformed mass of gelatinous goo sliding around in cargo shorts.

That's pretty much what I think most pre-adolescence is. Was there, the question for the both of you, was there a point in your life when you sort of realized like, I'm a person? No, I'm still working on that. Okay, okay, okay. Because sometimes, it might have been age 14, I guess.

Was it age 14? Yeah, sometimes I think, I think, I remember my first self-actualized moment, which is where I refused the leather jacket. photo in high school i was 17 that's that's the first time i remember having a distinct sense of identity because they wanted me to take the leather jacket photo and i remember feeling with biblical certainty from my heels like from the core of the earth itself a wellspring of deep rage and self affirmation like no i don't have to do that it's like a cool hand loop moment right like

No, no, I'm getting out of here. You can put me in solitary all you want. I'm getting out of here. God, that's so fucking badass. I know. I don't think I had like a single bit of identity until I was 17. And they were like, you're going to put on the leather jacket. And I was like, no, that's ridiculous.

Is this for like a yearbook thing? Yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, we're going to put you in a leather jacket because I don't know. We just put people in leather jackets. Got a lot of people from Long Island here. Were they putting all the, all the guys in leather jackets? Oh, yeah. it was like one of the options you got you know or not options it's just like one of the shots

and then if you like the way you looked in the leather jacket and the guy was like you don't want to try the the leather jacket and i was like who wears that shit no yeah and i was like who is talking who is saying these words coming out my mouth who has grabbed hold of the wheel oh shit it's me oh no no an idiot you're telling me i have to be this guy for From here on out, no. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to, I, oh man, now I wish I had such a badass origin story. I just remember thinking I was like,

that shit's hot, no, nobody wears that shit. Nobody looks good in it either. There's like one person that looks good in a leather jacket, that's like Steve McQueen, that's it. That's it for alternatives? No, he was just baffled. Wow.

And you know what, honestly, I was too. I don't think that helped him. you know it was like it was like i had been it was like you know somebody had taken over the controller and just said no you're going to decline it that is my yakuza moment right in the middle of high school there's this uh mostly you know basically discredited totally uh uh uh made up theory of like human development that like 4 000 5 000 6 000 000 years ago we were all like automaton's like we look back in stuff they did back then and it's like why the fuck did 10,000 people spend their entire lives building a monument that they wouldn't even see the end of right like where we just

hive minds you know and like the ideas that like trade routes and exchanging languages and different you know different hand gestures and stuff sort of like broke the human mind until it became actually conscious or whatever but like I don't know man that feels like everyone under the age of 10 like I think people are still like that until somewhere between the age of 10 and 30 they just sort of look up and like oh shit i'm a person yeah man i'm not gonna build this pyramid for a fuck this fucking yeah you better you gotta pay me 13 dollars an hour because that's all anyone will pay for this fucking yeah instead actually we were thinking about beating you until you did it that works too that works too if you really want to just hit me until i do this hey i server when

did you become a person i don't really know like i have like i feel like my earliest memory at least is someone asked I was like at my babysitter like the place I went for daycare when I was a kid and someone asked me what my name was it was like my first day there and I think I just said I'm too but then I think like when I when I real I guess like the only thing I have that comes anywhere close is like on the bad ice level would be well I guess when I was like playing football when I was like in this when I was in the eighth grade I remember I wasn't very good and I was like

I thought I was like resigned to just sucking and I was like no I'm just gonna get really pissed off and I'm just gonna like knock this shit out of someone and I did and then I stopped sucking

like I just wasn't the worst anymore but that's like the closest I have but I don't know if I realized I probably realized I was a person before that probably like pooping my pants when I wasn't supposed to maybe something like that

I'm like oh I'm a person now I don't do this uh oh I have shit in my pants and I'm the one who has to deal with it I don't think that happened often maybe once so maybe it was that time I have 35 such revelations

all detailed in my journal from when I was four maybe that's the time I learned I was a Spencer yeah that's no no no no like I said I was horrified by this realization too that's what I remember

the moment of becoming as a terrible moment really oh no no you're going to be the guy you're going to be a problem this is bad um but i think that was last time that was last time i had to deal with that so maybe it'll happen in my 50s you know be like 56 be like no i'm not going to wear this uh windbreaker that you make a 56 year old wear when i'm lawn bowling or whatever 56 year old men do i look forward to finding out it'll be great go over something that two of us are familiar with one of us is not they're the only bit of

even remotely college football type business on the docket in the vast sea of may we're now very close to the time and everybody in this sport just goes on vacation and has children go and look the birthdays of most coaches children falls somewhere around nine months from either now or like the first week of June. It is the slowest point in the calendar. So what better time to hire a new Pact 12 commissioner. Yeah. Just to get it done. And to hire somebody who is steady and who has worked in college athletics before and who has a background in dealing with the vagaries of college administration and with TV deals and with everything that that you need to know about the very perverse,

unique environment that college athletics occupies. Jason, that's who the PAC 12 hired, right? That's who we got. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So one thought on coach children being born in May is when are they thrown in the oven then? Would that be August? Like right before the season starts?

Like, bye, honey. I'm disappearing for five months. I've given you. I'll, I'll see you. I'll see you when the baby's out. God, that's depressing. It is right, it is right on time.

And I think most of those kids are born, what, they're conceived in June, May or June 5, 6th. So, you know, right around like, you know, after recruiting's done. If season's starting, here's a baby, I'll meet it after spring ball. Damn it, Ellen, we got spring ball. I done told you. Hold it in there. Hang it. Keep it in there. I can't. We're on, we only got one.

practice left before the red white game that's it listen you call me if it's if it's past the third quarter i could do it because the third stringers are in there they're piss poor and i already know that okay if the fourth quarter we'll have the radio guy will be calling plays anyway because we got this stupid gimmick where the radio guy calls plays in the fourth quarter so you can have your baby then yeah you know but but do me a favor let's try to let's try to win this in the fourth quarter if we can just keep it close just keep it close until the fourth can't you just stand upside down or something yeah just do just do that you've been you've been doing that yoga let you just go do a headstand for a minute keep that keep that sucker in all right all right

all right i love you did i say that it's my second time this year i said it in august didn't i that's how we got in this mess yeah actually let's go back to the film this is when i told you i loved you seven months ago see the sincerity look right here i'm circling There's the hand gesture indicating that how much I mean it and how much you mean to me. And you can see the film because it was during his introductory press conference at this school. I love you. See, witnesses. I'm circling the witnesses.

There are hundreds. At least 100 witnesses in this room. Everyone will be heard me say it. Yeah. You saying that I'm negligent doesn't fly here. I'm sorry. That's just I went to the tape. I went to the tape.

Okay. That might be how you feel. But here we got to decide. We got to look at the tape. God. What an awful life. What a nightmare. I was joking that Pact 12 didn't hire that guy at all.

They didn't hire it. This is, this is, they went freaky again. They just, they just freestyled it. Yeah. Just, wafoom, did what they were going to do. They hired a guy who, okay, they hired a guy who's going to make the money. Sure. That's really what this dude is.

going to do. His name's George Klaefkoff, which cool name. I like it. George Klaefkoff, one, it's going to have a name that I really look forward to college football TV personalities attempting to pronounce on air. It's going to be awesome. Two, has his last collegiate sports experience happened when he rode at Boston University? How does this keep happening, by the way? The Pact 12 keeps hiring people who come from like deeply non-revenue sports. mascot was the tennis guy this dude's a rower i i don't even know if they have water in the pack 12 until you hit the pacific frankly they got uh rivers colorado's got rivers utah has a salt lake they're not out there they're not there they're not out there sculling on it

arizona is you know uh lack of waters kind of their whole deal oh my god though like can you imagine Lake Havasu a bunch of like composed collegiate rowers and somebody just jet skiing through it you know rowing was the original revenue sport of course like Ivy leagues this was big time cheating cheating ringer bagman material 170 years ago so the pack 12 those for your glory days simply pine for those days to come back but like I I think one thing is by hiring someone who knows that money exists and is a resource that is finite and that can be used for things other than paying the commissioner, that is hiring the opposite of your ex, right? Like, that is a step forward. This person has thought about money before, you know?

So we're making progress, Pac-12. This is progress. Larry Scott, like, I don't know if he knew what numbers are. no i i think he went to harvard so he definitely didn't and i think by the way they hired somebody who is basically like larry scott but went to public school he went to boston university that's where george klyovkoff went so the chances of him being just an outright kleptocrat went down slightly right because if you hire the guy with the harvard you're like oh yeah that expense account dude is gonna steal dude's just gonna the the chances it won't even know

it too like that's just what people get right i went to harvard we just you get the penthouse suite right they just give those things to you yeah that's exactly the way they work sir so chances of him being an outright kleptocrat just went down a little bit i also think that

uh he worked for major league baseball for for bam baseball advanced media which and hulu and like hurst and these all have something in common they make money and they make money off of things that don't even necessarily have any intrinsic value

like baseball baseball makes money okay and you say oh pack 12's got issues pack 12 attendance was down 13 which is twice as much over the past two years i think was the average and that's twice as much as it was everywhere else in the country like everywhere in the country's down because it's so good to sit on your couch now it's so good and there's so many things to do there's so many different ways to spend your time and in the pack 12 there's so many ways to spend your time except for rowing you can't row but you can go outside and do everything else

but in the pack 12 attendance is down I think they looked at this I think they thought well who's managed to make money off of something with falling attendance no real projection of future growth and a fan base

that's just dwindling year by year with no end in sight. Oh, this guy. Yeah, it worked for baseball. And he made them money. Good job. Yeah. I think that was. He's done gambling stuff and we know for a long time. Paxel has been interested in getting into Las Vegas. And I think that's kind of a funny connection because it's like, do you think you have to know someone in Las Vegas to be invited? Like, they'll, the kind of their entire thing is they'll literally let anyone in. You know, I don't think you need to have someone invite you as if it is a secret club.

but the pack 12 being the most gambling friendly conference sure that's a great idea their games are on late at night when people are people have bad ideas and the pack 12 should capitalize on bad ideas that is the main thing they have had going for them for 15 years so why not lean directly into it and you know if players can get a direct cut of each gamble like perfect if if I can bet on some sort of fight to break out between Arizona and Oregon State and each participating player gets a cut like we are solving all of our problems in real time

um it yeah like gambling Kyle Sports is going to happen and they're going to figure out a way to do it because it's a way to make money and they like money and I really like just the open crassness of this approach

like you know the SEC would be like cute and and demure and roundabout and oh no we're not really doing that but the PAC 12 just just fucking go for you man that's awesome well the SEC's approach has historically been a very southern one that the thing might be done and then when asked for comment there will be a demur a a a dodge a well we don't need to talk about that now do we hmm do we that's been the case with

every kind of advance that the SEC has done it quietly so as not to make a huge deal of it The SEC has also, by the way, always done things on the, it'd be way easier if we just let them do it. For instance, SEC Network. What did they do? Very sensible thing. Where's sports conference? We're not really a media company. How about we let a media company build that? Oh, hey, there's a media company that'll build the SEC Network for us. Cool. The PAC 12, not a media company.

Previous Commissioner decided they were and decided to attend to engineer a completely new kind of television network with no real track record of that model working because it sounded cool. Well, I mean, so it worked for the Big Ten because the Big Ten is a sports concern. The Pact 12's problem is they are neither a media concern nor a sports concern. Why does the Pact 12 exist? I think is the fundamental question here. One we have puzzled over for many years and I'm not quite certain myself. pick up like the pack 12 i can pick up like everything exists for like three or four teams but never for 12 like football in the pack 12 exists for like three teams a year three teams everyone else

everyone else it feels like they're just in dry runs dress rehearsal preview opening every like there are three or four teams in the pack 12 that genuinely have things together and then there are eight teams that are spider-man turn out the dark two weeks into the run where they're still figuring out what's happening in act two that's that's everything that's not to disrespect the teams of the pack 12 that is to say depth wise sometimes the understudies understudy can't make the starting lineup and sometimes there is no understudy for the backup safety which is why you get wild results in the pack 12 because the minute you get an injury or two whoops free for all we've got a future accountant starting at corner that's that's very real i i think the single thing

so the new commissioner i'm not going to attempt to say his name you've you've already handled that for us he said that one of his goals uh he would like the college football playoff to expect well shit yeah i bet you do um and wants to figure out money stuff okay i i believe that as well he has also said a primary goal is to have a football national champion soon for the first time in quite a few years. And I have hope here. I actually feel good because there is a thing he can do. This sounds like bullshit bluster. Like what in the world can a commissioner do to make his teams actually good? But Pact 12 scheduling has been horrendous, unacceptable, inexcusable for many years. Just do it how the SEC does it. Protect your good teams. Bama fans, I hear you whining about

buy weeks. This doesn't apply to you. Nothing applies to you. Okay. That is just bare minimum to keep you within the stratosphere. Packville doesn't have a Bama. They have a USC and an Oregon.

You need to give those teams all the help you can, friendly biweeks. Stop giving them short week road trips to fucking Pullman, Washington because you could have had a playoff trip without that dumb idea. Stop giving them 12 weeks in a row with no buys and all that bullshit.

Just fix Pact 12 scheduling, and you might get a team the number five ranking one of these years that's it that's the simple simple hack just what are your good teams protect them you know your bad teams can complain about it but that's that's like fake complaining it's like like it's like try hard tough guy complaining just fix just rig pack 12 scheduling maximum crookedness um whoever your best team is just have them play the nine worst teams in the conference let them play um let them play Arizona nine times great now Oregon's nine to know in conference See how easy that was?

Just do that. Also, why don't you just go a whole hog on NLI and endorsements? Why don't you go harder? Go harder on that. The expression of the Wild West exists for a reason. It's because y'all were the original, I can't care. I can't care about all that. Well, don't you want a beautiful green lawns and churches on Sunday?

Hell no! I want a mining camp. It's dusty. filled with cash. That's the dream of the old West is a wild frontier where anything can happen. And that athletically could be true, because I think there's something at work in Western states that really doesn't apply when you're trying to get NLI and other things through, say, southern legislatures, which is that there are people in the West who will literally say no to any form of government intervention, any form. So you know that little carve-out in, say, Georgia's NLI law that says, well, you know, schools don't have to grant full value.

They can, you know, we're going to do that, but, you know, there's little carve-outs for percentages, right, that schools can, schools can take as a result of this law, and they're sort of built into it. Why don't you go to Arizona? And the instant argument that you make in Arizona is this. hey, athletes who come to Arizona. The government can't tell you to do anything. It's one of the reasons this looks like Arizona. It's one of the reasons it looks like it does. It's because we don't like anybody telling anybody anything to do.

Also, there's a lady at my nursery who carries a gun. I don't know why, right? She watches three-year-olds all day with a clock on her hip. But we won't tell you what to do. We won't. Also, we, it's legal. here hey we it's totally legal out here oregon state when you got the kids in for the recruiting visit and they're like you know tell me about your uh in a lot of laws

oregon state you should be able to say like laws this is oregon sir laws yeah the only the only thing we won't let you do is pump your own gas that's we put all of our civic emotion and concentration about safety into things like that, right? That's the only thing. Do we put fluoride in our water? No, because that's a communist plot. Are we commies? Maybe, but we don't even trust ourselves. And that's why we don't put fluoride in the water. That's, that's something the Pac-12 can lean into. They go, well, I'm going to be so far from my family. With the endorsement deal, we got you for holding up, like, I don't know, whatever roofing baron gives three million to the school a year. Okay, cool. Here,

why don't you take a picture talking about how good this aluminum signing is? You know how many people actually went and bought aluminum signing because of this ad? Zero. You know how much how many recruits I got out of this? Three three. Three good ones who are sitting in Corvallis, Oregon now, right? Because

they were coming out of Juco and they said, well, I can go to Kansas State or I can go to Oregon. I mean, no offense to Manhattan, Kansas. I'm probably going to go to Corvallis. where everything is legal and you get a free chainsaw

is that like that should be it pack 12 football everything is legal yeah yeah it worked great for the Southwest conference indefinitely and here's the thing there's absolutely

no ability to enforce it the NCAA won't be able to afford the plane tickets to get investigators there like that's when this is over This is geography working in your favorite. I mean, I know. Exactly. They could barely afford anything anyway, but the more you can, fuck it, add Hawaii and stash all your crimes there.

You'd really think the NCAA is going to fly to Hawaii 50 times to investigate every school? I mean, Hawaii should just be openly corrupt. They should just be a for-profit school. Just open business. Who's your current coach? Todd Graham. He's all for it. Guarantee.

You said, hey, Todd Graham, why don't we just start paying players? and see how long it takes people on the mainland to figure it out. Todd Graham would go, praise be. I'll still go. Like, say someone has a hot tip snitching on Hawaii. Is the NSA like, how sure are you? You know, my boss said I can't really afford that. Like, is it, can I see it on Google Earth?

Is it bad enough cheating to see it on Google Earth? Because if not, I don't know what to tell you, man. Yeah, but if I'm the boss and I know this, going down anyway suddenly i get real interested in a protracted lengthy investigation of the crimes of the hawaii football program yeah i got three oh my god yeah it's it's deeper than we thought i got to stay in other three months i'm afraid i'm going to have to go undercover undercover what does that require well i'm going to need a ferrari and i'm going to need to need to live at the estate of a mysterious author who i never see but who only makes me pay

four thousand a month four thousand a month actual actual rent 1500 i work for mark mark zuckerberg now yeah that's how deep this goes out here on hawaii wow that's the sports crimes are insane that's oh it's a shame as a as a boss i'll be like i too i too must investigate sports crime in hawai we'll see does mark zuckerberg have room yes he does The NCAA has relocated to Hawaii. So then Hawaii's role is now everyone on the mainland can cheat all they want. See what they did? Yeah, that's it.

And by the way, I'll inform on other programs. You come out to Hawaii, start to bust on me. I'll inform on other programs. And you know what those programs do? We coordinate. We're like, yeah, you got to go look at the SEC, buddy. Sorry, this is small potatoes. Hawaii, how you get them off your son is like, oh, man, they are doing dirt at Yukon.

And the NCAA is like, God damn it, we have to fly halfway across Earth to investigate Yukon. We're going to bleed the NCAA dry. Yeah, I know. What dirt are they doing at Yukon? I don't know. They're paying players to be bad at football. I don't know. You better go to investigate it.

Yukon could have done so much dirt because an investigator's not going to go there. Like, so you're going to have to go to Stores, Connecticut in February. No, I'm not. No, I'm sure they're on the up and up. It's fine. We have other things to do, don't we? Just get on the ground in stores. Go to the dunk.

get a coffee, get back on the plane. Don't talk to anybody and be like, yep, who'd you talk to? Mr. Donut. Talk to him. Totally. Yeah, they're clean. He said it. I got it on tape and everything.

The tape is just me leaning into our tape recorder going, I'm Mr. Donut. Newcon's clean. My boss is like, really? I'm like, yeah, do you want to go? Case closed. Yeah. Man, we got to join this little group of investigators.

This is the TV show I want, a crack group of investigators trying to run out the clock on their boss and entire organization and steal as much money as possible before the roof caves in. How far down, so like the NCAA always has trouble like, we don't have enough investigators and whatever. They won't say it exactly like that, but read between the lines. How far down the like hiring process do they have to get before like we could apply and be seriously considered? And they're like, you know, well, you guys kind of talk to a lot of shit about us for your entire lives. But fuck, we don't have anyone else who can investigate New Mexico State. And like, that's just our job, you know. How far down?

Yeah, I think that's like a six-month hiring drought before they consider us. Like, and I mean actually aggressively going down and being like, we have eliminated everyone else. We have to hire you. But cool. So we're going to need a Ferrari and a mysterious Oceanside estate. in New Mexico yeah yeah in New Mexico we'll make it happen

we could do it the NCAA is terraforming Earth I mean do you care about integrity or not I mean this is this is actually this is Pact 12 talk like old school Pac 12 talk right what are you going to do Terraforming Mars

and then holding volleyball tournaments there Terraforming Mars and then holding volleyball tournaments in Las Vegas. Yeah. Like all the previous commissioner of the Pact 12 do, which is an inspiration.

If you really want a model for how you should behave at work, follow everything this dude did. Larry Scott would just say things that sounded cool. How are you going to do it? Innovation. Silicon Valley.

Disruption. Decentralized. Centralized networks. That's what we're going to do. And everyone in the room is like, fuck, this guy's good. Yeah, he had that going for like three years there. Oh, yeah.

There was like a year where we're all like smart-ass, like, wow, this guy's really smart. And then there's like a year where like, oh, shit, he's actually smart, you know. And then there's, yeah, the clock ran out on that. But so speaking of terraforming, as is usual, I feel like the actual best examples on the world of terraforming, one would be like Dubai. in American terms I think the closest we've come terraforming anything

would be Las Vegas you know yeah a bustling city that should not exist just a 98 a city that is

a city that is all of about 80 years old if that maybe younger when you consider like what was there before

because Las Vegas you know it's like basically being something like the fields because there was nothing there and then in 1960 there's stuff there it's like all post-war build and then even then there's

nothing from post-war everything in Vegas has i i love Vegas because everything's already been blown up three or four times at least there's been three or four cycles of that building's about 16 years old god i want to blow it up like the minute a building gets old enough to drive somebody in Las Vegas is like I want to blow the shit up out of that thing God, just I'll level it

that's the hotel Howard Hughes blew up that one time there was something like Howard Hughes and like nuclear testing and whatever

it's what a what a place that definitely deserves to exist my favorite spot in Las Vegas outside of Vegas is one of the

nuclear test sites called jackass flats sure where that's where a guy an Air Force general was flying a mig that had been confiscated from I think North Korea but don't quote me on that and you know it was like a very fast Russian plane and when I say fast you know Soviet plane then you imagine ah safety was probably not the premier concern of the engineers this is probably a very dangerous plane correct this general who was a decorated aviator and who had all of the arrogance in the world justifiably to walk in and go i'll figure it out decided to get behind the wheel of this mig and just figure the plane out and some of him is still impacted i believe into the soil of jackass flats is he the jackass who is flat um no but that's where he landed

and that proves that irony never dies a mic 23 it was uh from from area 51 uh he he uh deceased in area 25 Yeah, it was, he said, I got to get out of here. And when he ejected, I believe it broke his neck. And yeah, it's real, real bad. Not a good idea to just decide to freestyle on a mig. I think I'm going to freestyle on this mig. So there are 30, so I'm looking at Wiki, there are 30 areas. Like, Area 51 isn't just a...

Yeah. Like, we did count up to 30, and then we skipped ahead to area 51. I mean, that's just how special it is. It contains areas 31 through 50. Okay, got it. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, Nevada, Las Vegas, the most terraformed city in the United States to the point where they kind of,

Las Vegas is kind of a mixtape of every other city because there's actually entire other samples of other cities. There's a New York, just a New York and a Paris, right? Serber, you've never been to Las Vegas, correct? This is correct. Okay. What do you think Las Vegas is? I just want from somebody who's never been there.

And Jason, you've been multiple times. I've been too much. I think whatever number I actually have been there is too much. Serber, you've never been there. What do you think it is? New Orleans West. Wow. Hmm.

Like that's what I think of. But basically, it's Vegas vacation, right? The Chevy Chase, the third movie or fourth movie in that franchise. Just that. So that is, if I said, like, what do you think, like, a normal day there would be? Not that there's a normal day in Las Vegas, but, like, what do you think people do when they go to Las Vegas? I don't think they remember what they do when they go to Las Vegas, but they... Your guesses are real accurate so far.

I'm just going to tell you. So how can you be sure you've never been to Las Vegas? Yeah, that's true. I don't, I mean, and weed is legal there now too, which has a whole other dimension. I mean, basically, I think you probably wake up, you go to the CVS, get a bottle of Jack Daniels, head down to the sports book,

figure out how much, divorce you want and I would say like I imagine they're being like I know people say get married by Elvis like that's a cliche in Vegas but like I truly imagine there being about 50 of those but being pretty close together like like you there's a part of I imagine that Vegas has like an get married by Elvis part of town it does it does See, it's like the chapel. Yeah, sort of between. But there's not just one, right?

It's like chapels as far as the eyes. Like a whole district. Mm-hmm. Yeah, kind of like that neighborhood that popped up in between Nashville proper and like the Marathon Village thing. Remember when that wasn't there and then it was like two days later? But they're all chapels in Vegas. I really, this is very accurate. I don't know if you need to go.

Yeah, I'm probably good. Is Wayne Newton still there? Oh, no, he's dead. Did he die? Well, these are not mutually exclusive. That's true. He is still there. Yes, I believe Wayne Newton is dead, but I am going to, I'm going to verify that and make sure that Wayne Newton is dead.

You try to kill him. He's alive. Yeah, man. Wow. He's alive? Totally. I have killed Wayne Newton. I have done what man has dreamed of for years, but no man has accomplished.

he's still alive first way newton next keith richards then the world that would be yeah no i i don't like i believe i believe he has retired but he's still a spokesperson for uh he's still a spokesperson for ceasers that's amazing what so let's see for a person who has a google news alert for wayne newton here are the kinds of things they would find i mean the first three days ago mr las vegas still in the game still in the league man he looks great he's

this is a man who slapped Johnny Carson by the way like this man looks embalmed he is perfectly preserved he looks so accurate it's a real Wayne Newton I listen he performed on Letterman once

and Wayne can kind of thrash on the guitar like he's a pretty good guitar player I was personally stunned at that also he sang like this because everyone made fun of his natural singing voice which is real high like naturally he sings up here and everyone made fun of him

so he was like no I'm Wayne Newton guessing like Batman I want the two of you to guess how many followers Wayne Newton has on Twitter 580 2.2 million 7,000 What?

Yeah I thought it was I mean That's respectable Wayne That's respectable Yeah For like a Yeah

Yeah that's like Yeah that's like a good Barbecue account It's about 7000 Good job man You know It's like him And La Barbecue in Austin, Texas

Have you know About the same number of followers On Instagram 4,000 What a modest Man of the People Huh core audience that's about just keep your core audience baby day ones yeah day listen 50 dollar tier patria supporters of way new no new friends for way newton

i'm loving it star of match game way newton so yeah this is if if the idea is that we're going to turn the pack 12 into Vegas 100% for this because that might mean i mean there already is like a pack 12 team with a sports betting partnership oh right colorado yeah colorado already has that so we just get everybody saddled up with that and do in stadium gaming with the pack 12 title game in los vegas every year that instantly becomes like the best conference championship trip like hands down i've been to a zillion c c title games and automatically the prospect of seeing, of gambling and drinking live, which, you know, like, you can't really do either. You mean, you can drink at the SEC Championship, but like, it's not going to be like that.

I'm not going to be able to get bottle service. Not that I would, but I could. I want champagne at the SEC Championship. That's what I want. Well, I watch Alabama beat someone 58 to 12. it does mean more i like it instantly becomes the best championship game

because one that plane ticket is cheap it's that that's a cheap plane ticket that's a subsidized plane ticket in a lot of instances right if you buy it at the right place you can package it you go out there you know you're going to be able to get a flight out you know you're going to be able to get a hotel room you know there's going to be something to do right let's go look at the lines at the mGM

Then let's go watch Oregon beat Arizona by 40 points in a Roomba, a huge evil black Roomba in the desert that shouldn't be there. In a front to God, I want to watch my college football in a huge affront to God. All right, I forgot about this football stadium. Yeah, it looks like a huge black Roomba. It's so fucking Dubai. Yeah. It is. It's like Emirates, it's just like like hillbilly.

emirates that's what it looks like hill jack emirates that's exactly what los vegas is you know which i will tell you server you really should go because um my favorite thing in los vegas is people watching especially crying girl hour crying girl hour the most the something like wagon wheel in the background yeah there's some john mayor track right yeah James Lunt. I can't figure out what's happening

because usually it's younger women somewhere between the age of 21 and 24 and they're mad at Brandon,

Chad, Todd, or Brennan. And something has happened. Now, Brennan might have been a dick. Maybe they're just mad that they're having fun

because dudes having fun generally means Nothing good, right? What'd you do? I'll all those $500. It was awesome. No, that's not awesome. Yeah, it was. But there's this hour that happens around five in the morning, six in the morning, where suddenly they're just young crying ladies everywhere, learning the disappointment of masculinity.

When is crying boy hour, though? Because that sounds, that sounds so much more fun. There is never crying boy hour in Las Vegas. Yeah. they're only happy men home yeah it's on the plane back home there's only that's like explaining to mom where all your money went getting home and explaining to a someone what just happened and why you thought it was fun everyone goes there and like new orleans this is why server's like comparison was so good everyone turns to donkeys and the things they're doing don't really look fun unless

you're drunk and doing them too. That's the idea. You go, wow, man, I just watch this guy drop a grand at Blackjack. And, like, he's drinking Red Bull and lighter fluid. And he and his boys are just saying the same four words over again to each other. Yeah, right, right? Yeah. And you go, wow, that seems terrible.

And then you start doing it. You're like, well, that's isn't too bad. This isn't half bad at all. But from the outside, it looks terrible. It's all fun while it's happening. And then you have to go home. I have a question for a Vegas expert, Serber. Server, if you were to recommend the ideal length of a Vegas trip,

in terms of hours, days, weeks, what have you, what is the amount of time that pops into your head? 72 hours. Ooh, that's close. That's within range, I think. Any longer, and you're going to stay there. I think wheels down to, I think wheels down to wheels up 72 hours. I'm going to count some transit in there.

Okay. So door to door, if you leave your house and you get back to your house in 72 hours, that's good. You don't want to be in Vegas when the 72 hour mark hits because that's when the sad happens. That's when the big sad hits you. You go, oh, this is how they live all the time. Oh, no. Oh, God. That jolly person I saw dealing blackjack wanted to be a singer.

That lady's never leaving. I'm feeling 36 to 60 hours as like a hard limit for a Vegas trip. You get a night or two there and time enough to compose yourself after that night or two there. and you could lose a lot of money in that time but this decreases your chances and like man nothing is as fun the first night and the diminishing returns on Vegas I guess is what I'm kidding at like night four no no not at all night four is night two I've done some night four oh no get out of there it's it's now part of me it's getting inside me you pushed your you mean you literally pushed your luck yeah also there's this thing that happens around day three or four

where the sound of whirring uh casino machines starts to become normal to you and that's when you start to get the fear that maybe i've adapted maybe i understand you get time distortion time time distortion is very real because server they do not let you see clocks there are no clocks there are no windows and casinos well how could you how could you ever be sure of exactly where you are because like basically yeah Vegas is just seems like it's just a bunch of different versions of the exact same thing so like if you don't see the the entrance or exit if you will of the casino how could you ever really be sure which one you're in yeah I feel this I mean, yeah, my number of times being there, pretty much every time, whatever group I'm with, you know, we'll go to one casino and then someone will just have the sense, the urge, the urgency, we need to be at a different casino and you go there.

And to my untrained eye, nothing is different. Maybe the, you know, the prices on this or that game are different. But, like, yeah, server again, you are dead on. I'm now convinced you have been to Vegas, quite frankly. Yeah. No, you really got it. They're all designed to keep you inside, really. And the way they do this at sports books, there's different approaches. But at the Wynn and at the Venetian, the sports books are so comfortable that it's not a matter of keeping you in. It's a matter of making it too comfortable to leave. Like the Wynn has these really plush chairs. And there's like a nice person who comes around and brings you alcohol. And, you know, I could just say, sit here at what i watch the three o'clock block of games well just let it roll into the six well just let it roll into the nine oh shit it's tuesday girl this chair's comfy yeah that's very very real and without clocks or windows to really orient you or frankly by the way if you're at the tables the ability to use your phone because you are not to do that at the tables is to use your

phone without that man it's just you in the stream of time jump in swim see where you come out maybe it's two hours from now if you're winning maybe it's 20 who can say it's going to be the best it's going to be the best championship game it's going to be unreal it's going to be great and the missing ingredient in all of this by the way is this western bros Western bros completely different kind of bro completely different kind of dude like if you want to say hey i found a new type of guy not a new type of guy but if i am elaborating the taxonomy of guys the western guy oh the diversity the diversity of different kinds of western guy is amazing but none of them really care about anything it's great they're gonna be they're gonna be phenomenal what if um so i liked the big 10

slap together idea of, you know, best team, playing best team, worst team, playing worst team, et cetera. Man, Vegas feels built for that. Just a whole Pact 12 weekend. And, you know, pair up teams with parts of town, you know. So that Arizona Cal game, that's, you're like, that's a 3 a.m. somewhere, whether it's Friday or Saturday or Wednesday or whatever, you know. yeah we need why don't we just put all packs 12 football in Vegas how about that does it need to be

anywhere else uh you know play play a play a game or two in pullman that's you know i don't think it's pack 12 unless there's a uh a november game where it's it's sneeding not sleeting and there's some guy covered in ice drinking a 750 milliliter bottle of alcohol on camera but other than that no you can move the rest of them there each team gets one home game everything else is in Vegas better make that home game count you

which team doesn't get a home game like I'm sure that there will be some mathematical anomaly where one team does not get a game who do we take it away from Stanford they don't want it anyway um Oregon's gonna UCLA

UCLA absolutely they're the ones that get screwed up us not that we want to it's just you know that's just what happens to ucla i think we just have the rose bowl like nine or ten times a year with different teams just just ran out but never UCLA never UCLA never no no they haven't earned it right like it's amazing what a magical venue that is and how all of the magic is stripped out of it the instant UCLA plays the home game there like yeah 90 what literally 90 percent of the football games in the rose bowl are you see Why do we let that happen?

You think you're getting away with something, UCLA, don't you? The most powerful football, the most powerful football program in the world and the most aesthetically pleasing would be if Alabama was allowed to play all of their home games in the Rose Bowl. Can you imagine anything? Like, no, that's Vikings playing home games in Valhalla. Let's go one step further. Alabama has UCLA's colors.

UCLA is very nice uniforms, very nice colors. Alabama now wears powder. blue and gold. Those are Alabama's colors. Basically, we'll just replace UCLA entirely with Alabama down to the Rose Bowl and everything. It would be so stunning, though, because we would look at it and go, wow, when did UCLA get huge?

These guys are massive. UCLA's so fucking badass. That's what I've always thought. They're swollen as hell. God, UCLA's terrifying. I have never thought that in my life. You know what I mean? Roll damn bear.

I was watching, I've been watching old games a lot this spring, and I was watching the two-part series known as Old Miss Alabama, 2014, 2015, aka the Dr. Bo, Generalissimo Chad Kelly, like movie and sequel. And I was watching, it's amazing how different Alabama's defenders look, because even as recently as 2014 and 15 they were still on the the fat guy plan

and I don't mean fat I just mean they were massive like they were massive even at positions like linebacker or star where you needed to move a little bit more they still just look like gigantic hogs all of them

they don't look like that now like Alabama guys are obviously still real big and strong but when they went to like a more hybrid type defense so that they could keep up with spread offenses in earnest it wasn't that they just lost like five pounds i think everybody in that defense just got like 15 pounds leaner because i'm watching uh reggie raglan crash into people and i'm like i don't know if alabama has any dude who looks that huge even if they

weighed the same they don't look the same am i saying alabama went low carb yeah they went low carb so But maybe that's a fun thing, is like, imagine current Bama defense against, you know, the Chad Kelly Rebels or Johnny Menzell's Aggies and like, oh, all those fun memories, weren't they fun? Dead. Those are sweet moments. You're like, oh, no, A&M lost by 37 points. Or even just 14 because you're like, Alabama scored 78. It's nuts. They would have won.

And Devante Smith had 400 yards receiving in ATDs. It's crazy, man. Yeah, they would have, if, like, I'm sure, like, Nick probably watches that film and is just like, I wish I'd just gotten them smaller. Minutes after the national title, grinding his gears about losing to LSU in 2011. Must make, must make hosses smaller. Smaller hosses. Smaller. the other thing that I adore about the notion of Las Vegasizing the entire Pac-12

is that we can finally get away from the idea of making them into a proper football league and just turn them into a transparent media property meant to rake in cash despite the declining product that's all I want I don't want the Pac-12 like oh Pac-12 resurgent Pac-12 with three teams in the top ten no I don't I don't want that I want like maybe one team in the top 10 and I want baffling financials I want I want like the SEC to be like what are we doing wrong we handed out this much and the Pact 12 handed out 57 million dollars to each school how how did they do this are you saying like the Pact 12 is handing out like 10 million dollar coaching contracts and USC has three losses yeah yeah that's what I want I want it I want it I want it I want them to be like i want them to all look like texas financially i want them to all go wow we went so ten million dollar contracts and three losses just like we went we went eight and four and god damn this program grossed like 90 million dollars or netted 90 million dollars i'm sorry i said

texas has three losses they only do that when there's it they only do that when it's a 10 game season yeah that's well they got to go 10 and 2 that's because remember texas in my mind every year goes 10 and 2 with one of those losses big to Oklahoma Texas should join the pack 12 that was a rumor for a while it'd be a really good fit slide on in slide on in brothers come on what if you got to lose why don't you give up on being good and instead just be a tax shell why don't you give up being good join the pack 12 well yeah why be good when you could make money what is a more American story than that. What is more American

than the notion of profit without quality? Texas Texas UCLA Pac-12 championship in Las Vegas. Man, what a dream. I'm dreaming about it right now, man.

It's right there on the tip of my tongue. I can taste it. You know what it tastes like? That ashtray next to me at the eighth hour of the blackjack table where I'm trying to win back money next to some loud drunk dude in Sacramento who's telling me that the deaf tones are really underrated that's that's what i'm doing that's what at this point at this point they are

i would say probably not back then but no but i agree with i agree with this man i just made up the other i made up a guy just to agree with them the the other vibes the vibes version of twitter the other proposal i have is this i think that they should sell name, image, and lightness, and the Pact 12 should be the first schools to go ahead and offer their students endorsement deals for the program. That, okay, for instance, you know, Justin Herbert could have said, you know what? Hi, I'm Justin Herbert from the Oregon Ducks for the Oregon Ducks. When I want you to come out for the stadium, just an innovative idea that you should pay them to advertise for the program. Is this in the spirit of any other NLI bill? No. Is it contrary to

any of the cornerstone beliefs and practices of amateurism? Absolutely not. Should they try it anyway just so that they can start paying recruits actual money? Hell yeah. Do that. And then George Klafkoff do some crazy meteorite shit where every

school gets like, you know, $70 million dollars somehow, despite the actual value of the product being around $20 million, $17 million, and then give it to players. So they'll come. It'll come crashing down. It'll be an amazing five to seven years.

What if we invent Pac-Coin? What if the Pac-Swine? Yeah, we're here. We're finally here. So, Pac-12. The Crypto Conference. The Crypto Conference. Yeah.

Pac-Coin, I feel like that's pretty good. You ready? You ready? Ready? Football's about tackling and blocking. Blocking. Blocking. What was the?

original blockchain an offensive line are you feeling this are you hearing this yeah duck coin the real the real sketchy one is what is is zona coin zona coin uh yeah uh yeah sparky coin oh my god um yute coin there we go that's the one that's the one that's like that's like that's that's like the steady sober investment like that's a steady that's a steady winner right there man like Elon Musk tweets about yout coin and nothing happens yeah folks have I got a deal for you

acorns.com slash fullcast if you'd like to get in on the ground of our crypto scheme you're going to need a steady financial base and the simplest way I know of to do such a thing is with the Acorns app which lets me nickel and dime my way to retirement I am

currently holy shit I have 600 something dollars in here I didn't even know that I haven't actually been looking at the number each week. You're going to Vegas. I'm going to blow all this shit in Vegas, baby. And double my retirement. No, I'm not. I'm going to trust the process.

I'm going to trust acorns. I'm going to trust Ute coin to deliver me to retirement. I haven't said, just throwing $5 a week and nickels and dimes from my purchases, and then investment stuff happens within the market. And I'll beat that market at the blackjack table. But I won't. because i'm not going because i trust acorns.com slash full cast that that's excellent i think that it's very important for everyone when they go to Vegas to feel like that they're representing

their team as as you know as hard as they can you know because you guys there's a lot of things going on in Vegas might be a convention might be another convention might be another convention it's always like nine conventions you want people to know where you're coming from you want them to know who you rep and you want them to know that like los things in Las Vegas there's going to be a little bit of style to it and that's why I need you to embrace the comfort style and unique charm of home field apparel I don't know why I got like super sexy right there that was very sexy maybe because home field apparel is so sexy all right get your get your extremely sexy redos your refreshes of so many schools, so many different brands this year for 2021 for spring.

I really have enjoyed all of them to this point, to the point where it's probably really bad for my finances. I think for Homefield, by the way, I'm supposed to sing Homefield to the tune of Jolene. I want to wait till Ryan and Holly are here, because if I do that without them, making fun of me it really won't feel as right if that makes any sense so i'm continuing to rehearse my version of jolene with i'm begging you please don't take my cash please don't take my pants please don't take my pants i think speaking of uh sexy home field the sexiest school here is obviously slippery rock um mm-hmm followed by probably followed by grand valley state that is also somewhat sexy. I would like the, I think the school I'd most like to roll up to Vegas, and it's probably

Houston Baptist that might be the single most. I think the, I think for, for sheer tongue-in-cheek sexiness, the Oklahoma State Ride with Pride T-shirt is definitely one of the ways to go. I loved that particular refresh, but I'm kind of a sucker for Oklahoma State's gear anyway in any format home fields are absolutely lovely in that respect um i'm also big on everything that that they've done with houston houston's good it's red so if you're lost and drunk in the crowd your friends will be able to find you a little easier in los vegas if you're wearing a red houston five slamma jama shirt. Remember, you can get 20% off your first order with the promo code full cast. That's promo code fullcast. Homefield apparel. The realist, the good

brand, the one that will help you when your friends need to find you before you get arrested for drunken disorderly in Las Vegas. Oh, the Vanderbilt. Oh my God. You're going to go to Vegas in a Vandy shirt. Because you want to get beaten up. Or well that's one way to make friends that is that is one way to make a friend nobody actually that's nobody has ever said that about Vanderbilt you know I'm wearing a Vanderbilt shirt because I want to make friends Vanderbilt walks in and it's like I'm not here to make friends

what are you here to do I don't know yeah overpay for an undergraduate education that's what I'm here to do I mean where else in the south can you go to spend four years playing golf it's like literally nowhere else how server let's see in terms of Vegas in terms of the entertainment activities that one could pre-use which gambling game do you feel that you have the best handle on. You can't just play like straight up poker in Vegas, right?

I mean, you can. Yeah, you can. You can. But you play in like a, you play in a room and the house gets a cut. That's how it works. So you can't, you can't play. I don't like that.

I guess it would be blackjack then. Yeah. Okay. Blackjack. Jason, you're not a huge game. gambler if you did have to what is your game um i know the rules of black jack i think it's been a long time um yeah i don't get that for whatever reason like betting on sports is fun but like betting on like cards and shit is like it feels like a game on top of a game where um but yeah i

i guess i'd probably also go with blackjack um spencer of course you're mainly a roulette guy but is there also because i'm an because i'm an idiot because no you have perfected it you've just figured out the strategies. Yeah, just have to have a good attitude. That's it. You have to have an excellent attitude. Just vibes.

Yeah. You have to have no fear in a really good attitude. And I, you know what? I'm not, it's also, you know it's an idiot's game because it involves a very large wheel.

Like it involves, uh, the closest thing to a Parker brothers board game set up. Right? You couldn't just play roulette with cards. No, you have to go to the store. by the special box that has the idiot's wheel

that somebody goes, yeah, this is a skill. It spins the ball around. The skill is just saying colors, right? Well, there's only two to choose from. There's only two to choose. Just the skill is being decisive. I mean, I insist the skill is having a good attitude. That's the only thing that I've managed to figure out.

Also, just bet enough money, depending on whether it's an American or European table so that you're essentially flipping a coin. That's it, right? Just throw, you know, $18 out there. And voila. Maybe you hit, maybe you don't. Either way, it's a great time

because when you win, you feel like a mad scientist. It paid off. One to 36. Or whatever it is. I knew what I was doing. Yeah, I knew what I was doing. These were numbers. I've obviously calculated the optimal payout rate

And loss rate over time, I'm going to play again because I'm very smart, you know? Also, the roulette table is the one place where you can usually find chips on the floor. Little secret I'm going to let you on because, you know, they give you like a big stack. They don't just give you like three, they don't just give you like three tens and six. No, they'll give you like 36 ones. So if you look on the floor, which is multicolored to hide the fact that there are chips floating around down there, Take a look. I think I'm lifetime up to $550 or so I have found underneath roulette tables. Oh, shit. I am never gambling if I go to Vegas. I am only doing that exclusively.

That's gambling. I think it's gambling. That is the opportunity cost of it doing literally anything else. And you're choosing it to spend there when you could find zero chips or you could find $550 worth of chips. I mean, I think you could find It wouldn't be too hard to find enough To basically pay for your trip Because that's one thing I've heard about Vegas Is that if you do not gamble It is the cheapest vacation you can go on

Yeah Because like rooms are nothing They're just like we're gonna take all your money There and back for fucking $80 And if like So like my favorite thing to do around Vegas is like There's really great hiking You can go out there and hike for almost fucking free

Yeah Yeah, there's like a, there's a massive mountain just outside of Las Vegas that is free and beautiful. And sometimes has skateboarders just going down the whole thing. Yeah, it's like a 7,500 foot mountain, Mount Charleston. And you can go out there and see like the nuclear test sites and this stunning desert scenery. And yes, idiot skateboarders going down the entire length of Mount Charleston on the road. And you can just soak all that in for free. You could watch Pac-12 football for free

The Majesty I mean, I don't even know the last time I saw a Pac-12 football I'm just stumbling upon it I'm just going to let you all know if there's an actual roulette table with the inside of the field in the stadium I'm not going to make it back

it's not happening Yeah, you're just going to enroll at UCLA I'm going to enroll at UCLA Vegas. Yeah, which we're not even going to call it Vegas. That's just UCLA now. UC Vegas. UC. Yeah, the LA stands for Las Vegas.

That's just one word. Las Vegas. Yeah, going to enroll at UCLA. And then I'm going to drive over to L.A so I can catch Alabama home games. You know. Pasadena, the traditional, traditional home with the tide. Where it all started for Alabama, actually. Don't forget that.

So they beat Washington's ass back in the 20s. See? This is Alabama coming home. Come home, Bama. Come back to the Rose Bowl. Mama's calling.