Shutdown Fullcast - VORB (Value Over Replacement Bear)

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

 - It’s our advanced sports analytics episode! How advanced? Advanced past what? Mind your own business!  - What are we using our film review skills for? Breaking down that Oklahoma bathroom fight, are you new here?  - As a team, we feel pretty confident we could perform a number of basic medical procedures in the field. Listen along to find out which!  - Adding to the ever-expanding roster of basic concepts Spencer has no grasp of, we can now add “sitcoms” and “human bones”  - Dabo will never be a great leader of history because Genghis Khan paid his players Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It has this feeling like Streets of Rage or Final Fight or another side scroller, beat them up. You know how in those games you'll be like walking down the street, beating up opponents or whatever? And then there are non-player opponent, non-opponent characters who are just like posted up on the wall, smoking or like playing pool or just they're just like completely chill. They're here too. They're just all at the urinal just standing completely still and finishing their. piss even as you can bump into them and you bump into them they uh they have one line of dialogue that they say right like you know welcome to town stranger oh welcome to town stranger there's one guy in there if you suplex your friend into his butt he gives you a side quest

there's another guy you suplex your friend into his butt coins fly out of his head a whole turkey will come out and you can recover full health with if you eat the turkey off the floor of the old row bar bathroom it will make you healthier that's right welcome to the shutdown welcome to the shutdown fullcast you are listening to the internet's only College Football Podcast. If you would like another, that's too bad. You don't need another one. It's your doctor speaking.

My doctor, perhaps, in another country that doesn't require a medical degree. Yeah, I'll go ahead and say it. What's the most complicated medical procedure you could perform in an emergency? You know what I'm really asking. Could you give somebody a tracheotomy? Why is that the standard that I went to instantly? Ryan, are you saying you need one? no like right now i mean to be fair i don't know maybe that will fix my voice but i i'm fine

but i like could do you think you could successfully perform a tracheotomy no no i just just let's be real i don't think i could successfully because i think the standard is a tracheotomy because that is what is performed in a number of sitcoms. Wait, wait, sitcoms? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was a thing. Like, there's an episode of MASH where somebody is told to perform a trachea out of me

who is not a surgeon, and they're told that. I think there's an episode of Nightcourt. So, an older, and other than, oh, my God. So we mean sitcoms back when, back when Spencer was a kid when, like, TV was, like, unregulated. Yeah, right. You put tracheot, you know, you can, Hey, kids, watch this.

this when they didn't do things uh when they didn't do things that were you know they didn't have to have a disclaimer like hey the things depicted in this show are strictly ignorant do not attempt to trache your friend right hi i'm johnny knoxville i'm gonna trache out of me we man yeah that's that's that yeah so apparently we could just we could just do things like that why don't you think you could do this um i think because it It involves cutting through a pretty bony part of the body right there. And I think that's probably... What do you think a tracheotomy is?

You have to cut through this particular... You have to cut through the throat, which has, like, the larynx right there. That's... What do you think the larynx is? Pretty bony, man. Grab it. It is pretty firm. I don't know if it's bone firm, but...

Yeah. Like, that's a... Okay. Yeah, I'm not, I, listen, I don't, I want to go on the record and say this, that I am the one saying, no, I will not just go willy-nilly into someone's throat with some rubbing alcohol in the back half of a pen. Okay, I will, I will, I will, I will meet you halfway and admit that the, the, the, the, the, the trachea is cartilaginous. Okay, that's fine. Carly, yeah, I'm not going, that's above, but, that's also not what he meant. What did he mean? No, I mean, he did not mean cartilaginous.

He means he thinks it has bones. Isn't there a zyphoid process in there? Seriously, I think there's a little shard of bone in there, I believe. Ziphoid, that's not a real word. The zyphoid process, I'm looking it up, is at the lower end of the sternum. Okay, okay. You are thinking of the-brother on and ask him if it's easy to just have him teach us to do tracheotomies over the podcast. Hold on. I'm going to text him.

That seems really your response. The hyoid bone. It's the hyoid bone. What do we do if someone listening to this needs one right now? Hold on. Oh, they're toast. Here's what I'm going to give them. Just hang on.

How hard would it be to teach an amateur to give a perform, let's be proper here, a tracheotomy? And can you do, and are you free right now? let's see what he says he might not respond and if he doesn't medical license suspended now podcast medical licenses

the Toddcast this is Toddcast just I that's I think here's what I know I could do okay this is a procedure it's a veterinary procedure so I feel a little bit better about it

you have to look up when you have a large breed dog or any dog that tends to bloat and i don't mean like gain weight i mean like suffers from the condition bloat where like their stomach flips and it's called gastric torsion and what you have to do is you will have to you will have to relieve the pressure right i got asked to mute my nintendo before the show like that was going to interfere with this this is gold and you take the pen right you can do this this with a pen or you can do this with pretty much any shark any reasonably clean sharp object

and you will have to i thought he said you can do this with any shark and i'm like yeah sure that's that's where this is going first of all go get a shark second of all if you don't have homemade store bought is fine the barefoot contessa would never stand for that i would never store by my shark man i need some prunes and arminiac right now but but that's i feel like i could do that procedure because you know wait what do you have to do you didn't even say what it was you have to relieve the pressure so you're making a gas hole yeah so you got to make a gas hole that's a trache what a new experience all right you described the closest medical procedure to a trisciatomy right you dude what you have got such a like you've got such zeal for wanting me to perform a tracheotomy on a human day

no that's not what you're hearing no that's what i'm hearing her right is like yeah man you got to do it That's, you gotta get out in those streets. That's not what you're hearing. I like that your takeaway from this is that I'm incepting you to tracheotomy a stranger for no reason. Okay, Ryan, I'm too close to the situation and you're a state away.

He's getting worse, right? I think that's right. No, no, no, we're fine. We're fine. So I'm gonna have to go out in them streets and do a couple of tracheotomy. Oh my God. Yeah, got to have to do it.

Woo! That's good. What do you think? What about for you? Like, what medical procedure do you feel like you could handle? Heimlich. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. How confident are you? Well, are, is it okay if we break ribs? Yeah, go nuts. We got to get that thing out. I'm fine. Then I'm fine.

Like, I'll just, because here's the thing. If you've ever had to, like, carry a angry four-year-old across a house. That's basically a hymling. Yeah, that's basically the heimlich, where you're just, Like, you got to have the, you got to get the firm around the, around the torso. Like, if I'm just doing that to a grown adult who's not fighting me, yeah, I feel like I can fucking nail it. Would somebody fight you while choking? That's what I'm like.

That'd be amazing. That'd be amazing. Then you can break twice as many ribs. Yeah. I'm trying to save your life and beat your ass. I think that's what happened to Drew Brees. rub some vitamins on it drew i've always wanted to apply a tourniquet as well these are all things i feel like you learn reading like hatchet and books like them

growing up yeah i think you learn johnny tremain i could have silver burn yeah could you cauterize somebody oh yeah yeah seems easy right i think so i think so but i think the question is knowing when to stop i'll say it seems i about how about this not easy but simple it seems simple straightforward yes there's only one step the process seems fairly direct yeah it does seem direct i just man that's a that's a moment when you're like i have to do this and yeah no that's do you think you could deliver a baby a straight like a stranger's baby again these were things that sitcoms made seem much easier than they actually are yes that's true but you have two children so you know that childbirth is almost

nothing like it what it's depicted at in most films and television shows no boiling water was used right right right how are you um grading that because it's coming out so like yeah what is the how do you determine a successful all right well let's let's let's go through the steps here one the catch i would argue is the most successful part of it okay okay yeah yeah like if if you drop the upon delivery you might as well not have been there you might as well have left this poor woman just on like a California king I'm realizing I was sort of thinking past the basics but yes thank you yeah yeah and then I guess it's really just up to up to the mother to be like hey how would you grade Spencer's performance

as like a birth coach I was pretty good I mean I was pretty good I feel like I can do i know i can cut a cord catching the baby one-handed while being on his phone i feel like yeah somebody somebody had to put it on insta come on um put what on insta jesus christ yeah he was on twitter don't lie uh it was fine like i i can cut like i can catch and i can cut so that that's pretty much what i could do after that we're going to need some professionals

in the room i am texting your wife okay yeah okay um but i feel yeah i feel like i could do that rand did todd get back to us yet tom hasn't gotten back to us yet that is please you know what file a medical complaint against him for lack of response it could be it could be that he's sending an ambulance to my house to be like jesus what is he doing stop it's filing a medical complaint in the state of florida even a thing he lives in florida right yeah uh who are you going to file a complaint with they don't Yeah, that's, that's fair. You're going to tell Hooters?

I'm going to go down to Beath O'Brady's to swear out the magistrate. They sent me a 20% off coupon and told me not to sue. Our apologies on your death. Pardon me. Your Hooters' debt will decrease by 10%. I didn't go to six months of medical school at Hooters University. If you'd call me Hooters, it's Dr. hooters to you.

That is, Jason, let's get your answer. What is, what is the thing you feel like, the medical procedure you feel like you could handle? I mean, I like the sound to try and cauterize in. That sounds pretty. You sound fired off. I mean, I'll say it like this. Like, let's say if I had a, like, well, we've all been watching Wanda vision.

If you had a vision, right? You'd say like, hey. Does this hurt, right? It was like, he could just wipe his memory or something, right? It'd be great to test cauterizing on vision. He'll get over it, and he's a very nice guy. Sure. It's just really fucking interesting that you can, like, like, burn part of your body,

and it's like, oh, good idea. Thank you. Few, I'm glad you did that. Okay, what in your house? What in your house? Oh, wait, Todd just texted back. So the question, again, was, how hard would it be to teach an amateur to perform a tracheotomy? he said two days like two full days i let's assume that means two work days with with like

long lunches um so like that seems like 14 hours yeah i think so i think so we don't have that kind of time todd i appreciate you know what i appreciate about my brother he didn't ask why he just he'd be like liable or something yeah yes why yeah yeah he also didn't answer what of my immediate question which is an amateur what i do it for the love of the trache all right amateur baseball player like tim tiboultice doctor um jason what in your house i love the gig economy you need to cauterize somebody right now uber tracheotomy but be here at four 45 minutes. Jason, you need to cauterize somebody at your house right now.

What is the tool you're going for? I got one of them little candle lighters. An aim and flame. Yeah, I can set, I mean, literally anything apart with that. What's what it's called? An Aeman flame. Those little long neck. Yeah, it's a little long neck lighter.

I've never heard the term, but I'm very enthusiastic about it starting out. We got these ones where you can angle the neck. With, like, the telescoping neck. Yeah, so if you have, like, a weird candle, you can... But, I mean, shit, I got that, I'm good. Set up fucking anything on fire and just jab it in there. See what happens. Yeah.

And now we're talking. This is a tailgate. I've heard that's one of the most important parts of the Hippocratic Coast, which is just jab it in there. First, do the arm. I mean, when they wrote that shit, they were dumber than we are, so... It's true. If we showed them that, you know, they'd be like, wow, you guys are the smart guys here.

If you went back to, like, ancient Greece with an aim and flame, you'd be fucking emperor in a day. Are you kidding me? Yeah, yeah. Or someone would beat you with a rock for your aim and flame. That's probably how, hey, look. Not the ancient Rome, not ancient Greece. Ancient Greece, they'd respect a man of knowledge. Ancient Rome, yeah, they'd stab the flame of wisdom.

That's right. he's stolen fire from the gods tie him to a tree and let the vultures eat his liver and that's how jason changed history and invented pro wrestling centuries before it actually started no they were on wrestling they loved wrestling oh yeah they really really really loved wrestling

uh sparta sparta though they would run terrified from it that's it you'd like that flame and they'd go because the spartans are dumb as hell just the dumbest people in history the dumbest people in history the dumbest i'm just going to go ahead and lay that out there they're they're they're content they're in the tournament okay yeah they're at least a two seed in that tourney at least like they got a whole story about a boy who gets his liver eaten by a wolf but doesn't cry and they're like good that's good that's what we want this is my philosophy course my history course where we we we introduce

everybody with the spartans who were dumb as shit that's like section section one of the curriculum and then it'll be like you know the mongols who were dumb as shit very aggressive but dumb as shit i actually would like mongols dumb they they can hear you keep that in mind yeah they can't get to me they don't have boats they only have horses they could put a horse on a boat it they didn't get very far did mongols have boats they did they tried to invade Japan it didn't work yeah yeah it didn't work but that was because of the divine wind Spencer you do not have the divine wind in your favor okay so they're hearing from the Mongols shortly they didn't have they didn't have boats what they did instead was just

subjugate the Chinese and the Koreans and had them build boats maybe they're little smarter than I thought so they're excellent managers yeah they knew what they couldn't do yeah and that that's a form of intelligence multiple media companies at which this would be lauded. I can think of multiple media companies that basically operate off this model. I, this is basically,

isn't this dabbo? Like, I can't do that. I'm gonna go get somebody who can't. That's it. Is dabbo a Mongol? No. I think he's content.

Players. Yeah, he did. That's true. He was all for it, too. But yeah, that's my gloating, like gloating history.

history looking back unsympathetically on people who came before us Holly what is the medical procedure that you would perform god damn it I was betting silently to myself that we would get to the end of the show without anybody asking me that nope I'm going to ruin this show all night I want to be very clear all expectations I will ruin I am fine with this I want to be clear I'm fine with this so so what's your pick um I think that I could probably splint not a compound fracture but I think I could probably splint a basic fracture.

That's a good one. That's a useful one. Yeah. So to review, if the four of us are the medical team, I will heimlich someone. Jason will cauterize their wound. Holly will splint a non-compound fracture, and Spencer will let the gas out of a dog.

Yes. So if you have a... According to his ability, according to each, according to... his dogs. You don't want me near the people. Just put me out there with the big dogs. I think what if we open

a veterinary center and then we all focus on dogs? I don't want to cauterize it. I don't want to heimlich a dog. A dog's not going to be cooperative. That'll just be snuggles. The dog would love that. What if we practice on Spencer?

That'd be fine. Same thing. If you're going to hym lick a bear, you could hymn look a dog. I can't hide like a bear. I've always said that. I can't hide like a bear. Can you take a picture cuddling a bear in the snow for your beautiful prom photo with a bear? Yeah.

Did you see this? Have we seen this? Yes. The most confusing shit. Have we seen this? I like that your approach to that is confusing and not, oh my God, the bear's going to eat the woman. You're like, no. What is the real?

I don't know if he is. I don't know if the bear seems like into it, which is the confusing. part the bear's like yes dear that thread went some places yeah there's lots of old books about women marrying bears apparently that people are unearthing and I'm using marrying as a euphemous

I'm considering the man of the 1950s and whether he was indeed preferable to a bear one might say no I would say yes the bear has definite advantages over the man he probably he honestly probably has more skills just life skills in general the bears like got the clear advantage there the bears like can find food can keep you warm right never needs never needs you to do laundry he's not he's never going to be like oh honey i lost lost the mortgage at the

track you know who won't use up all you know who won't use up all the fucking hot water a bear you know who'll just disappear mind his own business and shut the fuck up for like five months at a time you only have to see him a bear yep yep jason i know that you're you're dabbling in in pastorhood is not you know not a total career for you but i feel like you could become a marriage counselor with just this one piece of advice i'll keep that in mind once the uh dabble in the woods for five weeks as the ministry expands we're just going to send all the husbands out into the woods just going to the woods for five weeks we we need you to uh 40 days of and nights I'm seeing for you

until you have a vision telling you to come back. Alternatively, a good way to sort of ask yourself, am I being a good partner? Imagine your partner is with a bear instead of you and honestly assess, like, are they better off? You need to outperform

a bear as a partner to be pulling your weight. So we're talking about like replacement bears or replacement level husbands? Value over bear, yes. Value over replacement. I'm, I have to say that a bear. in a bear voice. Roar.

Roar. So there's, so what we have is like the world's most average husband is a bear named Vorb. Yes. Forb the base. And by the way, Jason,

the bear in those prom photos, that's VORB. That is VORB. Yeah. Yeah. He's not even married to those ladies. They're just like, we want to take photos

and, you know, VORB is like, someone needs to step. I'm not the stepfather. I'm the father who stepped up. That's VOR. because that photographer went to bear town and they're like listen I need photos for this

and I need the one who's Bearberg Bearberg Ladies are so sad Won't someone be a man Who is a bear Right and they went They asked like three bears And first bear was like no I gotta be honest

Bro I'm gonna eat them So first day I'm gonna eat them I'm just gonna rip a little I know like but I'm gonna keep it a buck here I'm gonna eat the people And it's like okay cool not you And then they go to number two. Two of you have daughters and one of you is the titular character.

So I need to direct everyone involved here towards the comic book, My Boyfriend is a Bear, which is about exactly what it says it is about. Good to know. Right. So Bear 2. Yeah, Bear 2 was like, yeah, no, same. Like, I'm totally going to eat it. And then Vorb was like, you know what?

I really wanted my whole life to just, I just want to help women. I just want to provide some. comfort to somebody and share all this love i got i think so there's i think there's also a bear in there who's like it's going to take how long i'm not sitting still for six fucking yeah i'm wearing i'm wearing my leather vest i'm trying to counter strike i'm not i'm i got things to do maybe bear too was the lakers are playing does this woman own a dumpster of great abundance she's got a she's got a regular trash bag pass yeah that's not going to do it for me man Oh, yeah, the most beautiful bear, making demands.

Yeah. That's why I'm dating this Stuckies. Bro. Laying that pecan log. Bro, I'm going to relate. Sorry, Mom. No, you're not. No, you're not.

No, no. No, I'm not. Bro, I'm in a relationship with this strip-ball sushi joint, and, like, I got to say, it's real strong. Oh, my God. Me and that delicious dumpster. Yeah, so then Vorb came in. And VORB, oh God, I said that, didn't I? But yeah, then VORB, VORB comes on the scene,

and now VORB is like a really, really accurate test of whether, you know, you're a good partner or not because are you outperforming the bear? I got to say, I'm running through the list of my head, and it is not looking good for me. Forbes is a good listener? Yeah, so, you know, you know, you, you walk around the house and you're like, I didn't really, you know, help out with anything a day.

You know, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't listen at all. You look out the window and you see Vorb standing the street just shaking his head at you. I know, I know, I know. I like that we've created the character of Vorb, the marriage counseling, bear. Vorb the disapproving bear husband. The Mendoza line of bears. He's not mad. The Mandoza.

Yeah, that's right. Mendoza. Yes. The Mendoza line. Kids, that's a baseball joke. ask your grandparents. Oh, God. Vorb is an excellent test

of your relationship. So thank you for gifting us this, Jason, bringing him into our lives. I'm glad we got something out of it. I finally have peace with the Lady Bear photos. Well, you put Vorm on a shirt, right? In times like this, I like to ask myself, what would Vorb do?

That's right. Put Vib on a shirt if Vib is not forb? You know what VORB would do? He'd think about it. He'd think I could raise money and buy something for my wife. Yeah. That's what Vorb would say. Yeah.

Vorb doesn't think of it as taking the kids because they're his kids. It's not babysitting. It's not even his turn. It's just Vorbs with the kids. That's it. He doesn't take the kids. He's with the kids. Damn.

Forbes a good partner. Man, be like Vorb. I think saying Vorb likes his children, this elevates him above average husband. Like, let's be honest, he's now like 90th percentile husband. I don't know how I feel about that as a criteria because we are entering a full year of Zoom school. I need to know more about these kids.

Yeah, yeah. Are these adorable... You don't have to like every child. No, Vorb only likes outdoor kids. If your kid just wants to play, you know, Minecraft all day, VORB's not. Like, what can VORB do with that? I think this is...

I think this is unfair, though. VORB has massive advantages here. Because, like, first of all, if he gets mad, those kids are going to shut the fuck up. Sure. That's not fair. I cannot be anywhere near as scary as Vorb. Now, try to get big.

Got to get swall, bro. Start lifting. But, like, not only that, but, like, if VORB is sitting in the room, 30 children can be, like, climbing on. him having a blast and he could be napping this is easy for forb i don't think parents i'm not i'm not comparing my parent i'm not comparing my parenting to vorb no that's not fair that's

all right you're right yeah also i think i think you need a different animal like are you a better father than like a cat right or something like that yeah so cat father parenting skills bye Uh, VORB is also, by the way, a terrible fitness instructor if you want to keep your kids fit because, uh, the bear workout plan is, it's pretty vague. It's pretty like, what, like, how did you get so swole? You're like, I, I don't know, I just ate trash. That's just, that's all I did. Just, I just ate trash and slept five months in here. Sleep's the superpower. That's what all these like, you know. That's what the NFL believes, right? Yeah, it is. You know, who practices better recovery than a bear? What'd you do after your active season? well I ate salmon for three weeks straight I gained 150 pounds and then I slept for five months and only pooped once yeah and now I'm ready for training camp let's do OTAs and now kids love me fuck Pat Fitzgerald is fully erect so I don't know why Mitch Trubesky supplanted by Vorb starting quarterback literal Chicago bear Vorb Ah, finally. Like, that's hard.

You know what, you know, Chicago one's prize authenticity, so. I do think you could start a literal bear at quarterback, and I'll say 15% of Bears fans would be like, yeah, I'm on board with it. Well, yeah. It's a good move. Of course it is. Yeah. Trade him to Jacksonville, and he could be the masturbating bear. You know what we got to do?

We got to replace puppy ball with Bear Bowl. Oh, man. And just watch as nothing happens. Burble. Burble. That is, by the way, the mascot that you'll notice, the live mascot that crept out pretty quickly. Like, that was, once people kind of started to get super sensitive, they're like, yeah, get rid of the spare. Just get it.

Yeah, we don't need it. It was the people getting super sensitive that was the problem there. I agree. Yeah, we're soft as a society. That's the problem. That's what it is. Oh, there's a little bear fight on campus. and the PC libs

shut up the snowflakes don't like bears how late in Baylor's history do you think they actually believe that I'd say like 1980s

that's where this country went wrong is when they stopped letting Baylor have a bear until like the 80s yeah y'all know how long it took them

to get rid of that bear did they replace the one that accidentally hung itself we've talked about this so don't act totally surprised oh I'm not gonna act

totally surprised Brian what do you mean I don't know this story You do know this story There's like Entirely Dr. Pepper based How many schools are there where they have That still won't sponsor us

Or they had a live bear Well no I mean I feel like there's Three four like there's several different stories Floating through my head of it's like This school had a bear There was an incident And it's a lot like It's every school that had a live bear

Had an incident You know like there's a Goodness how'd that happen? Yeah, the bears are crazy. Do you know what the best... I saw a grizzly man is the problem here. So the live black bear names of the mascots at Baylor are Judge Joy and Judge Lady. Judge Lady.

Judge Joy and executioner. I just... Judge Lady? They let a lady have a job? Wait, I thought the bear's name was just lady. I don't know. I feel like I knew this at one point back when, like, we watched Baylor football. I swear to God, there is, there is, there, this is a real URL.

Baylor.edu slash bear. Yeah, yeah, they've got like, I remember this. It's like a cream colored website with this weird brownish red writing. This is all, yeah, the, yes, okay, there's lady and joy. Those are not their full names, I don't think. Because below that, it says, uh, The current Bears, ladies' full name is Judge Sue Sloan, and Joy's full name is Judge Joy Reynolds. I did not know this. I thought it was just lady.

Fuck. That's amazing. They have like a full name? They named him after like whole people. Yes. Yeah, like other football, other places you like get like, I don't know, the locker room or the indoor workout facility named after you. Baylor is like, we will name, we will name a bear your fault. We will like talented Mr. Ripley a bear.

A bear will take over your identity, social security number and all. It will be responsible for your debts and it will gain any inheritance that you do. It's Waco. You know it actually took over court cases. Yes. That's why they're called judge. They don't have. If they have bear court.

I'm just going to let you know that if Baylor if Baylor named bear bailiffs If you if you if bailer named a bear after you and you are a judge then that judge has killed so many innocent people by sending them to death A hundred percent and not even by any of the normal bear methods So you're just going to kill it right no that'd be inhumane I want to hook them up to like 10,000 volts you want to hook them up to like 10,000 volts you want to hook them Oh, God, dang it. They get us. They get us every time. The first live bear at Baylor looks like it showed up around in 1917 when members of the 107th Engineers of the Army's 32nd division, quote,

acquired a live bear as a mascot. No other details are provided. Acquired. Yeah. And they brought him to. a Baylor A&M game and they just were like let's put the bear in a truck and parade him around you there is so much a stretch of this country where if you were if you were a white person you could do whatever you wanted and I know that's mostly how it is now but it was really

aggressive back in the day it's crazy man a lot of America has happened yes you worry about I mean that might be the most distinct description of this particular show that I've ever heard. A lot of America has happened. It keeps happening too. You worry about taking like a pocket knife to a football game just in case like, I don't know, they'll search it and confiscate it, right? Back in 1980, you know.

No, I do not worry about that. Look at this face. Who's going to search me? That's true. Back in 1918 though, like the thought process was, well, why not take the bear to the game? They're just Aggies. Beneath one, who cares? That was the actual thought process.

That's beautiful. Let him have two. He seems to be a growing boy. They're stringy. He might need a snack. That's amazing. God. That's the minute, like, they, until the 1980s, they fed that thing, Dr. Pepper every day.

Just an angry diabetic bear named after some kind of hanging judge. Judge Pepper wants more. Judge Peppers doesn't really have any agency. You shut up. You're out of order. Tap, tap, tap. They're oddly wondering if you're out of pepper. You see these numbers on the-

How did it end up being Dr. Pepper and not Judge Pepper? That's a great question. I mean, Judge, Judge Pepper sounds a little harsh. Because it's good for you, that's how. Yeah, that's right. That Judge Engel will make you better. speaking of needing to take the money you get and use it for things oh oh jason jason yeah i signed up for acorns today oh yeah how's that going oh pretty good i signed up for the middle tier plan the personal plan

that comes with the heavy metal debit card i was wondering if either one of you who actually has had these things for a long time can explain the checking account thing to me I didn't know acorns was a bank I don't have the heavy metal debit card which is my greatest shame in life so I think the three of us but between the three of us combined I think we're actually using the complete service okay because Spencer has the family plan I know yeah yeah you so you have the heavy metal Spencer has the family yeah okay so we will each be able to speak authoritatively to one facet of the surface. I will report back later when I have made use of my heavy metal debit card because I really

did just start this a couple hours. It's like financial Zelda. Yeah. And so Holly has the power because she has the heavy metal debit card. Correct, correct. Spencer has the courage because he has two sons. I have the wisdom because I'm going to retire at age 83. Thanks to acorns.com slash fullcast, which gave me a $5 boost on this.

massive windfall coming my way once I am decrepit what are we up to since I'm already decrepit so he doesn't need that plan so good well I've Spencer's already 83 I don't have a financial update because I just started yeah but I am part of the game now and I'm very happy Acorns.com slash fullcast gives you a $5 head start

in case I didn't say that yeah I had to pay for it by the way so you all know that we're doing this on purpose oh I cross 420 nice sir I Congratulations on all your success. Must have been a couple days ago, I guess. But wow, what a milestone. What a milestone.

I'm going to retire right now on $4.20. I'm out. I'm out. Cash it out. Buying a boat. If I can't live on this for the rest of my life, I don't deserve it. It's about letting go and letting God. Got that stomp money.

Once the AMC comes through, once a Black Widow comes out in AMC, that's it. I'll be all set. Yeah, my current Acorns account, which has the early option for kids. Dang, dang, my kids are up to, not explain this to me, I've got one kid who's at $291 and another kid is at $281, and y'all, I've been doing the same thing. So has my younger child figured out how to embezzle from his own little investment account? Yes, we talked about this before. We've got mounting evidence that my younger child has figured out how to siphon a dollar at a time, which is exactly what he would do, too.

He'd be like, I've got to buy this episode of the office. I'm sorry. Which of these boys is getting into crypto? It's my younger child, undoubtedly. He's totally on Coinbase. Like, yeah, Ethereum. I feel really good about Ethereum. Doge coins for, like, noobs. I'm on to light coin. Yeah. He's totally. doing this but he's still leaving the majority of his investment in his

acorns account because he's diversifying that's right yeah it's made him a smarter investor already damn thanks acorns um i did i did want to discuss the the story of the day um which is this that oklahoma's

40 minutes into the show oh yeah folks in human news have you seen this like we we led with bears no that was the second topic. It's fine. So Oklahoma's holder is a guy by the name of Spencer

Jones and Spencer Jones was originally a quarterback prospect went to Liberty, transferred to OU he's been their holder for a while now and you know he's still in Norman and how do I know he's in Norman? Well, because there was a video that surfaced um of him get into a fight in a bathroom and i've seen fight videos on the internet before i've been in bathroom fights in oklahoma i want to be clear when spencer says

i've seen fight videos on the internet before that is the greatest understatement he's ever uttered on this show i've seen every fight um it is incredible i mean it's got a dude getting suplexed like three times by a little guy in cowboy boots yeah in a bathroom with like nine people standing around going like oh shit he's getting suplexed by a guy with cowboy boots on in this and it you know as far as fight videos go it has some it has some things to it okay see none of this information was provided to me by spencer so i'm gonna break it down just one of your many shortcomings i'm gonna break it down for you uh and you can judge oh so spencer jones is you know he's like quarterback

sized. He's 6-1. He's a taller fella. And he's in this bathroom jawing with his backup is a guy who kind of looks like he's been described as an 80s movie villain. He's wearing a turtleneck, which that's a powerful move in Norman, Oklahoma, okay? You've got to have some confidence to just wear the black turtleneck and a jacket in Norman, Oklahoma, right? Like you're James Bader in a movie made in 1987. And they are jawing in a bathroom of a Norman Oklahoma establishment with two guys who appear to just be two little kind of pugnacious short guys. Which if I was to give you first red flag, there are two short guys who are not backing down in the middle of a bathroom looking like they want to fight. Anybody who want to take a flyer on, is this a good idea?

Never fight the short guy. This is the Percy Harvin rule. Never. Never fight the short guy. Right. Especially, don't fight the short guy who's standing there like he knows something you don't about how this is going to go. Don't. It's going to be bad.

So they're drawing back and forth in this video. And it appears, by the way, that one of the short guys, I'm going to amp this up a little bit for you and put another warning sign here. All right, another signal that they just blew through. One of the short guys already has blood on his face. Oh, God. do you fight somebody who already has blood on their face answer no no no okay is it his blood is it someone else's doesn't really matter okay you and they're not backing down because you know what somebody who already has blood on their face is thinking hmm i'm not going to get hit first this

time nope nope and uh that that was not the case here because uh they are continuing to draw back and fourth and short guy one looks at short guy two and says the following which one do you want oh no hit the eject button pilot yeah hit it yeah just get out of there this plane is not being saved you are not going to bring this in for a landing okay just get out of there there's no cost of being like oh you're clearly someone who likes to fight me they're When they're plotting it like it's a world of warcraft, like, yeah, just get out. No, yeah. You got any power-ups?

You're good? How many hit points you got? You're a hobbyist brawler. Mm-hmm. This is something else. This is on your resume, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Also, even if you play a contact sport, right?

You don't play a sport where the idea is to contact, right? You play a sport where contact is part. of it but you don't even play a position where you do that you you're big and strong but you're not the person who's like hey you know what my idea of a good time is get hit in the face right or if these guys are wrestlers my my idea of a good time is puking on a mat for three hours straight while some dude puts me in uh puts his head like in a triangle choke yeah this is not your realm you don't want it so it appears to be like it looks like things are tense and then the guy in the back captain turtleneck for reference just pushes just pushes the guy

pushes the short guy number one all right you call him pal friend uh-huh and he decides to escalate by pushing which is the funniest thing because he's he's the furthest away he takes his long arm and pushes the guy who is in close proximity to uh holder spencer jones at this point I noticed something in the video. Short Guy 1 has cauliflower ear. You've blown through signal number four there, pal, because don't ever fight anybody with a thick neck and cauliflower ear. Ever.

Ever. They earn that ear. Okay? The hard way. Right? They earned it by having it beaten over and over again in some form of, I don't know, wrestling, MMA, Jiu-Jitsu, just something real unpleasant. pleasant where they got wamped on a lot brother having rugby brother having right um growing up in

some town that doubles is like redneck sparta yeah mLA conference you know crossfit yeah no not yeah i'm please don't assume i'm being serious here uh so yeah at that point the guy takes this is the point where you're like oh he's going to die short guy one takes his left hand smears it across his face to get the blood on his hand and slap spencer jones like a little play slap that's some urukai shit oh yeah no i still haven't seen this video i can't vouch for this he fought an ork that's where you know you're like oh god yeah they made this man from the fires of a destroyed forest events yeah like not good so slaps him and then proceeds to hammer fist him beats him down to the ground and Jason three suplexes three so I think over the course of the

because there's a whole other background fight also going on that one has at least a suplex or two I know I saw like like this was this it becomes a fight scene not just a fight there's bonus footage going on in the background as well yeah which is the second guy

which teamwork here the two short guys the two short guys dismantled these guys it's like this is once the first suplex works right you keep calling hey what would steve spurrier do keep calling it till they stop it right mm-hmm yeah they didn't call the right defense they didn't even come close they did not they did not counter this particular play at all they take them to the floor which is visibly wet one of the most assured parts in the video it's a very it's a very men's bathroom in a bar setting like i mean viscosity of that liquid let let him

Way too slick. Let me... Way too slick. Here is the detail that will give you a sense of the cleanliness of the floor in this bathroom. All right? When you see this video online, when you see it on Twitter, you know how at the bottom it shows you the little caption where it shows you which account the video came from. When I saw this video said, Old Row. So that's what the bathroom floor looked like.

Yeah. Yeah. And, yeah, it's far too slid. The viscosity is disturbing for whatever this liquid is on the floor. As one guy said, you put it all out there and took a risk and you ended up with your face pressed in the piss hibachi. That certainly isn't a bit. One of the greatest comments I've ever seen on the internet. When the camera pulls back, let me just point this out.

One, the man has multiple approaches toward getting him in a choke. He's in a rear naked choke because Spencer Jones instantly gives up his back. Don't ever give up your back. y'all and how does he get in a rear naked choke he gets the hooks in by the hooks i mean the heels right so he could control him from the back like some sort of malicious backpack and uh what does he have on his feet that he uses to get the hooks in he's in cowboy boots no yes the dude gets his hooks in for a rear naked choke with cowboy boots on this this is not the first time this person has been in a fight in this nightclub i would i would wage

Maybe not that day Maybe not that day Certainly not the first fight These two have gotten in simultaneously Because let me tell you That trip to the bathroom No You gotta fight your way in

And you got to fight your way back out That's right That's Oklahoma buddy Who's next who's got a poop Listen I got a crap real bad You gotta earn it You gotta do the fucking Oklahoma Drill

Just to go to the bathroom in Oklahoma yeah that's the real oklahoma trill taking a crap i gotta go so bad how bad how bad you've got to fight barry schitzer over here how bad do you want it wow proy selman coming in at you bob poops I would also, by the way, Jason, our boy number one, okay? I think we need different nicknames.

Can we get different number one and number two for these fellas? Think one, think two. You go A and B instead. Brawler A, brawler A at one point. This is unintentional, but man, this is amazing teamwork because, again, these guys just rip this bathroom up like the Dudley boys. Taryn's just football player down. Okay, like it is. Diving off the table with the head butt into the nuts.

Listen, I thought they were going to bring out ladders. Like if they had probably, like, like, like, it was like. More like streets of, never mind. You know where I was going. I love it. But yeah, these dudes, at one point, one guy, suplexes another guy into the asses of a sailor. assailant two like assailant two is controlling and he he like suplexes him backwards into the guy's ass and

i was like that's inadvertent tag teamwork of the highest order that's amazing i mean it looks like it looks like some sort of like it looks like some sort of like a w dark match that they were like let's do it in the bathroom so here's the thing now a fart match