Shutdown Fullcast - WEDDING DISASTERS

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

If you are attending somebody’s fourth wedding or higher, that person’s family fucked up! When is the optimal time on a wedding day to fight the clergy? If your wedding is written up in the New York Post, you fucked up! Why cargo shorts are the ideal wedding attire Which former Fullcast guest turned the Designing Women house into a Superfund site? When to confess your love for the bride or groom and then join the Marines! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is my actual favorite. Cupid Shuffle is awesome. Something about this one from Bird Teeth. During my aunt and uncle's Catholic wedding ceremony, one of the groomsmen passed out from what would turn out to be food poisoning. The priest asked for any doctors in attendance to come up, and my dad, a medical device salesman, answered the call. This did not help and only lengthened the delay.

Dad rolls up, and he's like, you want a CPAP? I'm Dr. Adjacent. Wow. It'll be 37 monthly installments of $600. But we will This is like Hank Hill saying he's a firefighter. I just see him as having one of those horrifying instructional dolls they use in med school. to teach on or in dentist offices, you know, to teach dentists, like that Treblal used to tweet out, you know,

that like basically sort of a pseudo-human with a rictus smile, like, it's like, hold on, I've got one of these in my trunk. It's going to help you through this. I have, I have brand, complimentary brand pens. Does that help? Does that solve the problem? Welcome to the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. If you wanted another one, that's too bad because we give you so much more than just college football. We're going to give you stories of love tonight. Who are we? Oh, I'm so glad you asked that we have brought together this congregation today to celebrate love.

And our congregation, as always, is first of all, our pastor presiding over ceremonies today will be the Honorable Jason Kirk. Jason Kirk, how are we doing? Dearly, beloved, we are. gathered to not talk about college football ever. Spencer, what is your, are you the MC or the DJ? I'm the DJ and the MC because we, the budget is low. Okay. We'll be playing music with Spotify free for the ceremony. So I know you like to cut the rug, but sorry, these bombas ads have to get red in the middle of your nuptials. Every wedding's got guests. And this episode of wedding disasters is no different.

Holly Anderson. What? What? It's the worst thing you've ever seen at a wedding. My cousin who wore clear heels to my other cousin's wedding. Wow. That's impressive. Not counting what happened at my wedding.

Although that wasn't really a disaster. That was fantastic. That was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, which is a guy who was... You and... This has been set on the show before, but you and your wife are A and A2

on any wedding guest list because you each bring a completely different set of skills. Yeah, minor of the festive dancing variety. You are always the first one on the dance floor, and you encourage others to dance with you, and she'll fight people. Hers are more of the Liam Neeson variety. Yeah, yeah, which I have never seen her do before then.

Yeah, long story short, I watched her smack a drink out of a man's hand. No, no, no, you're not telling you. I'm not. For you to tell this story, I'm sorry, y'all. I almost skipped this week, too. I've been sick for a couple weeks. This is all the voice I have, but I was not skipping a disaster's episode.

No, Spencer, that's your volume. You don't need to be louder. That's the headphones. If you want to make the headphones louder, you turn that up. So anyway, about this guy. Your bet. No, that. Okay.

server leave all this in um spencer would have you believed that his wife smacked a drink out of an over served guest at my wedding what actually happened was that this guy was coked out of his mind and had already lost his shirt was down to his t-shirt and i know no he lost the shirt later this comes to bear uh server keep all this him so the actual version of the story is that there was a guest who brought in almost like a sarcastic amount of cocaine. And I think it was right around the time that he propositioned my brand new in-laws for group sex in the bathroom at the reception hall. They were sitting on a little bench outside waiting for their car to be brought around that this all happened without my knowledge because I didn't know there was a plot

a foot to take him down. But that was apparently your wife's tipping point. And in the middle of the dance floor, he, I guess, got a little too close to her. And she smashed a full martini glass into his chest and broke it with her

bare hand is what actually happened. Like, she took the martini glass made of glass, full of alcohol, and smashed the whole thing into this guy's chest barehanded. So he took off his button down. And after that, all my dad had to do was point at the bartenders and say, the guy in the t-shirt.

It looked like out of the corner of my eye, it looked like a camea-mea, right? She apologized about this for like a year and a half after, and it did not help that my dad would always call her killer whenever he saw her after that. And it took a couple years for us to convince her that, no, she was the hero of the hour. So I guess technically having your in-laws asked if they want to join a bathroom orgy at your wedding probably counts as a bad thing. But honestly, I look back at that story fondly. Our other guest at the wedding will be Ryan Nanny. Ryan, you have already hit the open bar tonight. You are prepared to dance, boogie, and get everyone out on the floor.

of what is the song at a wedding that will make you absolutely do these things wow it's i mean it's been obviously it's been a while since i've uh attended an event like this so your answer is stained yep that's the one in a world yeah that's my jam i hate my dad yep you nailed it he's right over there um i don't have a clear answer to that because i I did the initial filtering of the disasters list we're going to talk about in a little bit here. And I did the same thing for the romance disasters episode. We did, I don't even remember when that was. Y'all, we gotta talk about what constitutes a disaster.

You're never like this with the marine disasters. And by you, I mean the listeners. Here's the thing. Many of the things that were submitted are in fact disasters. Oh yeah, but y'all, this show is supposed to be funny. yeah it's it's yeah it it veers more towards the um oh god that's brutally sad that thing that happened i will say this though i i did learn something important from prepping uh the possibilities for this episode there is no correlation whatsoever between disastrous wedding and successful marriage

People said that there were wedding disasters where the couple was still happily married long after. People talked about wedding disasters where the couple didn't make it a year. Like the good news is if you are getting married sometime soon, it does not like, yeah, you don't want a disaster at your wedding. But if it happens, it does not mean anything about your future relationship. Yeah, one of the happiest couples I know got married. on top of Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga in the face of an onrushing huge

hurricane-driven thunderstorm and there was the loudest clap of thunder I've ever heard in real life right as they said speak now and they're still happily married and it's been like 15 years even God could knock that shit down there's some stuff in here that yeah also she went to Auburn

And so I have to say right now, Tiffany, I'm sorry for what I just said about God. That's the appropriate P.O. box to put this in, by the way. You're like, I need to get a message to Jesus. They're like, okay, find an Auburn grad. They're closer to them than anyone else. And bring cash. And bring cash. The other thing.

Sorry again, Tiffany. I think we all agree on this is that most, I think most disaster episodes, we like a yarn, something that, you know, takes us on a little bit of a journey. for for wedding disasters in particular the best submissions all told seven words or less I'll give you an example

well not seven words or less but I'll give you a single sentence the groom's cake was an EWalk even though the groom has never expressed an interest in Star Wars at any point there that's a great one this is in the middle of a story that's like 500 words no that's the good part right

I think wedding disasters and weddings in general are a great reminder that nobody is on the same page and people are terrible at reading off the same script. There are a thousand little stories everywhere and no one is exactly sure what is to happen that day. For instance, if you ask me, what's going on in the minds of the bride, the groom, the mother of the bride, and the pastor. Those are four entirely different narratives, all with varying levels of investment. The groom, just hoping to get through the day without too many errors. as the pastor barely knows anybody's names and likely will mess them up during the ceremony before pitching their own church in the middle of the service the bride i have no idea what's going on because i've never been a bride but i understand it's bad in there you're still young yeah i am still young he's not no he's not ryan edhart you're no your heart's not young i felt just one of you is open we're all just getting started over here here let me give you let me give you another single sentence and out of a long story that's not good. The highlight of the day was watching a seagull

vomit up an intact 14-inch fish. That's great. Yeah, that's the good scene in an otherwise okay movie. Yeah, there's a lot going on at a wedding and no one's exactly sure what's supposed to happen or how to do it or who to talk to or what the actual procedures or protocols are

for any of this. And I think that's at the root of a lot of these. My own wedding was in an old hotel, Florida where the air conditioning went out in the middle of June when the wedding happened that was bad enough by itself no it's not the best part no the best part is that um after after we all got in the lobby and realized the music was still on so the atmospheric music was on the entire ceremony which i have to say if you can get married in the middle of a weather channel update do it's the smooth it's like you got no I thought you were going to say the best one was the lady walking through with a fun noodle.

That is the best part because the pool was on the other side. And really, again, people are stupid. They're terrible and they do not like to pay attention to their surroundings at all. And this woman walking into the middle of what was obviously a wedding in her bathing suit with a pool noodle going, where's the pool? Was this during the ceremony? During the ceremony. Okay.

Walking in going, where's it? Have you seen the pool? I either deplore her complete lack of situational awareness or consideration or admire it. I'm still on the fence, to be honest. I know I feel strongly about it. I just don't know which direction. That sounds like somebody who is built for Twitter, who is built for an environment where you just like plunge in and say your shit and it doesn't matter what else is going. Zero knowledge.

Just broadcast mode only. That woman goes to Hardee's and she's like, I want eggs and bacon and some French toast. Why don't you have that? This woman is the... She's the tweet of the dog who got on the elevator. Remember that one? Yes. Yeah.

She's the woman who really likes going on cruises because there's everything on the boat in case I want to do that. I want to buy a car. There's a dealership on the Lido deck. Like that's who this is made for. It's made for the person who does none of the homework and needs zero context for any of their desires or needs.

That person. admire her so much in florida wow who would have thought yeah in florida somebody who's just like society i unsubscribe from that list society has an eye in it therefore it's about me i'm just going to keep interspersing tiny bits from the longer ones that we're not using here's another one grabbed her by the hand looked her in the eyes and said i think we should see other people she began crying went to the middle of the dance floor and laid down on her back screaming were there were several submissions from people who got broken up with or broke up with somebody at a wedding consistently the worst possible idea consistently you know we had it occurs

me we had another near miss that could have been a lot of fun but your oldest son was supposed to be in my wedding and it was called off because he was in your wife's sister's wedding right before this okay and apparently at the start of the time when he was supposed to walk down down the aisle because he's very cherubic so he's going to be very in demand for weddings he just laid face down on the floor and started screaming and no didn't say anything just went silent oh i thought he screamed no went silent to the ground and when i went up and said hey buddy like a malfunctioning npc in fallout right concealing my desire to scream and explode in the middle of this environment and leaned down and said hey buddy what's going on he without moving, his head goes, shh, I'm sleeping. So your wife called me right after this, like the night of the reception and said,

he can't be in your wedding. And I was like, no, it's fine. And while I was on the phone, you beeped in from your phone. And you were not in the same room with her. And you were like, yeah, he can't be in your wedding. And that was when I took it seriously. Cannot.

Yeah. Yeah. Because your wife is worried about propriety. And anyway, good looking out. Yeah. This is what makes a good, man do people know you were my best man i was the best man at your wedding yeah that's very true in a lot of us yeah captain serbs do you have a wedding disaster you'd like to share um i i've got a couple

that i could share but i think there's only one and it's from when i was a kid the let me set the scene for you it is at a single wide trailer in the front yard um one of my dad's close friends that he grew up with was getting married the wedding itself went really fine the nuptials if you will and then in the reception

they broke out the four wheelers and so this is an orthodox rough rider's wedding this was in King North Carolina Stokes County just south of the Virginia line real

real real real on brand so we if I remember this correctly it was the best man and the groom my dad's friend and a couple couple other people riding four-wheelers down the street and they crossed over they lived down a dirt road

but at the end of the dirt road was the main road and they crossed over it well they just so happened to cross over it when a police officer was coming down the road so he stopped them pulled them over and said you cannot take these on the road obviously they're really like drunk as fuck

because it is a wedding. So there's that element of it. But at this time, the best man's wife had walked down to the end of the dirt road and confronted the police officer. And the man was doing every, he was going to avoid going to jail, even though he was drunk on a four-wheeler.

And she, I don't know, I don't know what her motivation was, but she just decided to say, get your damn hands off my husband and punch the cop really hard in the face. Hell yeah. Yes. And she got her.

arrested and sent to jail but the thing was is when she was getting arrested I guess the the normal switch that had been flipped to the proper position and the man on the four-wheelers brain got switched to the wrong position and he said no no no get your hands off my wife and he then attacked the police officer and was also taken to jail luckily the groom and bride did not so that day wasn't totally ruined for them but the best man and his wife did get taken to jail for punching a police officer. And then the... Sorry, it just had to happen.

And then I'll only... I'll just share a quick one from my own wedding, which went off really without a hitch, surprisingly, given our two families coming together, it was normal for the most part. My wife's little cousin and his girlfriend did steal... We got married at Blueberry Hill in Elk in North Carolina,

which is an old farm, and they had a lot of, like, go-carts and stuff around. or golf carts and stuff around to get around the grounds. So her little cousin and his girlfriend stole it, basically. They found the keys and, like, stole one of the golf carts and took it off into the woods and then banged. But there was like a 30-minute freak out from the person who owned the place. Like, my golf cart has been stolen.

Sounds like you were the ones doing the 30-minute freak out. I didn't know until the next day, but it was my favorite story for my wedding, even though I didn't know it happened until afterwards. and because apparently he just brought it back and the lady was standing there and he and he just like candid her the keys and didn't say anything which i thought was a pretty you're going to want to spray that down lady yeah pretty impressive move from us from a like 17 year old we're both we're both we're both very enthusiastic you're going to need to bleach it yeah i'm going to drop in another i'm going to drop in another one sentence cousin's wedding was at a missouri winery god i'm not reading the rest of this. I have an uncle who's, I believe, his third wedding. Maybe fourth?

Ooh, what's the highest number of wedding you've ever been to? Third. I've been to a third. Okay. Has anybody been to a fourth? If you go to a fourth wedding, that person's family fucked up. Like, you shouldn't, if your

family lets you get married a fourth time, they are reckless and out of control. I think if they let the fourth marriage have a way. Yes. Yes. exactly I think by the way if you get married more than three times two times you just like parties just admit it just feel like I like to party that's what a third of a Larry King come on yeah yeah what you do the full Larry Larry just liked parties he just liked cake that was probably he's like I can't get good cake anywhere they won't let you order a groom's cake just for yourself

for a Saturday coozy's commemorating the day with congratulations Derek and Kayla those were not the bride and groom's names my uncle's third wedding first of all an important member the party showed up too drunk to function and had to be helped by other members of the wedding party was it the bride how important we're talking very

the priest this raised the bride as important as important as can be additionally my uncle wore who is a landscaper wore shoes his tennis shoes like white tennis shoes that said weed eater one word on the

back of each heel yes yes on his way down the aisle would you like me to introduce him to my cousin who wore the clear heels to this other wedding yes especially if those clear heels had gold fish in them i am very interested in this hail is old as time jason you got a jason you got a good one let me try i'm going to try something here okay all right oh that worked oh he slept through a portal he's gone well is he going back to somebody else's wedding to make a bad moment happen so he i'm going to put another one sentence in here still don't know how the duck got there there check check hello hello check oh hey hey hey all right no now we just have a terrible echo now i have a loop i had to slide off the mic so i had to unplug the head set set so i could bring on a special

Right. All right. We are delighted to be joined by Emily Kirk. Emily say hello. Oh, hi. Well, hey, Emily. Hey. And I do not recall how many details of our own wedding have been aired on this podcast. I will say there's no cop punching. I will give you that. Definitely none of that. Did a child burn down the wedding venue? No, but it, I mean, there were many children around. Okay. Because the location was. Oh, we got a I'm married at an amphitheater in the middle of, like, youth baseball fields. Yeah, we were kind of poor, so we tried to make the case for just like, we'll just elope. And then we tried to make the case for like, we'll just do a 10-person wedding. Well, I blame it on being young and poor, and I was new to Georgia, so I didn't really get a say in a lot, which is pretty backwards, but that's what happened. Yeah, so we had, like, joggers overlooking our wedding. we had like we literally had like little kids from the baseball fields joining in yeah well that's kind of cool we're like little league games happening well yeah yeah we could

hear them okay okay yeah like we were we were within view of joggers i mean it was middle of june in georgias who is dreadfully hot and baseball games all around us and um yeah it so the venue was like $250 I think is why we went with it because we could afford it because no one helped us with a thing and we there's just so many things just so sad yeah all the photos is like you can see the cinder block backdrop and like you can see like like drainage stains in front of the stage it's it's awesome man and like we did our best to like hang up like bunting and stuff but it's like oh we could only afford like 10 feet of one you should pretend it's like an album shoot that you guys did instead.

I mean, it looked that cool. I think this is sick. You guys kind of had a mob deep wedding. It was, so here's the other thing. I had I made our cake. I made cheesecakes, which are really good, but like I shouldn't have had to do that. But also

the morning of our wedding so I won't name who but a relative was supposed to go shop for all the groceries. And he said that his sisters, yeah, his sisters would prepare the food for us, okay? We're just having, like, I mean, it was at a ballpark.

We're having hors d'no. No hot dogs, but, I mean, it wasn't that tacky. Notches. Yeah. No. But anyway, it was like just little stuff, whatever. He shows up at my hotel room with the groceries the morning of the wedding for me to prepare in a hotel room. No.

Yeah. Yeah. So that was fun. in the middle of getting my hair curled I'm like putting veggies on a plate or something I don't know it was horrible I was gonna say were you making were you making like little kishes on the hot the heating element of the coffee maker you're like I can make one at a time no luckily it was steaming these things because we were so fancy it was an extended stay hotel so luckily they actually have a full size fridge and I don't think there was a burner but there was I don't know we were able to do a couple little things yeah it turned out it's turned out the food was the least of our complaints we had I remember there was um like the steps down it was going to be very awkward it was like a two foot drop yeah it was like it was like stadium type seating like on the grass where just has like the the different tiers of grass so we had to put cinder blocks as my steps so i called some dudes at public so it was like hey when you guys

are on break can you bring cinder blocks down here to our wedding this is the kind of friends to have you had cinder blocks on call though yeah yeah man apparently that's not bad and yeah so luckily i didn't like break an ankle stepping on center blocks um yeah so many stupid details and then like um we were poor so the honeymoon was not even in gatlenburg we couldn't even afford we made it as far as pigeon forge we made it to pigeon for and we came home a day early because we were so broke we couldn't actually afford to do anything in pigeon for we saw the sick bear in june yeah and we saw finding nemo The whole movie was out for a dollar.

That sick bear is the county commissioner, and you will pay him to respect that. Oh, it was so sad. I think that just made me want to cry. That was probably we were like, no, honeymoons have done. But there was just like, we couldn't do anything. It was really, really. I think we went out to eat once. Like, we literally went to the grocery store on our honeymoon and bought ramen to eat in our condo thing.

It was really good. And like, your license was. Oh, yeah. before our wedding both of our licenses has been had been suspended yes outlaw country so mine like the day before our wedding i was having to go to the dmv to get a replacement so one of us could drive on our honeymoon i mean it was terrible mine my wallet was stolen and i was i had moved here not too far before that from kansas city so getting a replacement in a new state is really difficult mine was suspended because of unpaid tickets in arizona and drove all the way

across the country with suspended license. Whoa! Woohoo! Gang, gang! So this just keeps getting better and better. The night before, my bachelor party, me and the fellows, we were, I don't even know what the plan was, but the plan got called off.

We were playing football in a Walmart parking lot, and some dudes did a drive-by with a paintball gun, lit us up, and then- Was that part of the festivities or just? It wasn't planned. We did not do this. Okay. Okay, that's what happened.

I mean, it really sucked. I was, I was lighting it up. I had like three touch and then all of a sudden, you know, and we're like, oh, the fucking cops are here, you know. And then it's like, ah, kind of bummed out. Let's go play NFL Street, too, and then wake up and move around some cinder blocks and jump it. Yeah, man. It was amazing. The day of the wedding, okay, the wedding is over, and this is the part that I think makes me the maddest. Here we go. Because the wedding is over and people are all leaving, and for whatever reason, we're still

there cleaning up. Oh, no. Yeah. I was moving. No. And I was, it was so hot and my dress weighed like 50 pounds and I just wanted to leave. I was so mad. Yeah. Yeah. So it's important to start with a low point, right? Yeah. But, it's like, oh, well.

I mean, we're married. It's been almost 18 years and we're still together. And a bunch of little leaguers got to, got to witness a moment in true love. We still have photos. Yeah. We still have photos of like, of like boys. They got, I mean, they're, we have no photographer. They got to be like 23 now.

Yeah, we had no photographer, but we have, like, random pictures from the day. And there's literally, during the ceremony, one of these boys is on somebody's shoulders in, like, the audience. Wait, so they're, like, joined in your phone. That's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is Cobb County, this was Cobb County, right? Yep. Yeah, I was, yeah.

Okay, so. Cherokee. So there's a, there is a better than zero chance that you have a current MLB player. right so that was yeah danesby swanson was on stage with us yep no his the name on his jersey was okay yeah yeah i don't know if that was his name or not but we yeah emily i have to i have to ask have you been to a wedding since that had something egregious or disastrous happened to it that made you just go oh we got off easy no okay that's not even close we went to uh did y'all do any pandemic weddings no no we did my my little sister they had a whole ceremony that was it was like

it was like February March April I forget when it was April but they it was scheduled oh wait this was this was this the one you officiated I remember this oh no that one was getting moved up and like you know is this thing it ended up being like 10 people and we're all standing like 50 yards apart but it was at the lake it was pretty and guess what all the relatives brought food for everyone to eat instead of making on her that day. Must be nice. I appreciated a, what do you call it, rededication ceremony or whatever, in the backyard. A vow renewal.

Yeah. Rededication. Yeah, where there was a female relative who had to show up wearing a hazmat suit because she hadn't been quarantining. How embarrassing for her. Yeah, well, so the groom, I mean, the husband in this case, he is extremely high risk. and so his mom who was still like just like party time had to

I wanted to be there but had to wear a she literally was wearing like a beekeeper suit or something wow yeah it was like I mean hey that's got a veil that's wedding the right way to shame people is like

okay you're just like an astronaut sorry time to Gordon Freeman the shit up what if we made them wear like those dog cones but with like mesh over them some people really though really should wear those to most parties i think that's a good start for some people is yeah there are some people i wish we wear those to parties i don't go to many parties though

no no but with ideas like this i wish you did but it can only improve see emily and jason are the perfect example like you it's okay to have cinder block baseball wedding it has no bearing on what your marriage is actually going to peel right i mean i tell everyone all the time like just go a loat like who cares just go pay a hundred dollars and get it over with yeah just don't get married in front of the sick bear and pigeon for no if you can handle that you're cut out for anything what's really sad is we lived in arizona prior to me moving to georgia and we worked for this resort that was gorgeous and it was in Sedona and it was the only resort in Sedona that actually had a creek in the background and people got married there all the time and because we worked

there we could have gotten married with catering for 750 dollars for whatever reason we were like oh no we'll just wait to Georgia and figure it out yeah really smart really smart yeah stupid I I think that you should get married by the sick bear because I think that's like of course you do yeah Because ordained Sick bear's got to be an ordained minister

in Gatlinburg So sad No pigeon forge Pige forge Yeah we could Oh I'm sorry Pigeon Wow

Thank you Emily Yeah Wow Pigeon Pigeon damn Forge So you guys It was more of a

Go-Cart track wedding Than it was That sounds awesome We couldn't have even afford the go-kart track It was pretty bad

But we made it out I well I that's that that warms my heart by the way also that there's probably somebody in a bit better background of a video of your wedding if anyone took any clips whatsoever or footage there's probably in the distance a father destroying his son psychologically on the baseball time just like while you guys are exchanging words of love somebody in the background's like Cody that's why you're never going to be a starter I don't know I don't know if you could see the ball fields I mean you could see part of the field but I don't think you could see like people but you could definitely see the the bathrooms so that's important sure yeah that's an important thing to have at any wedding yeah someone took the video of our wedding and played it on fast forward because like we're all wearing like thick gray tuxes i don't even know i'm seeing this and like we were all the all the dudes were dab in our foreheads it looked like you know full speed just hitting your face with your sleeve to wipe the sweat off in june and georgia yeah awesome awesome event really hot really congratulations

that's beautiful excellent guest appearance thank you Emily five stars the fuck it the brass balls to show up on somebody's wedding day it'd be like here is a sack of groceries you make it I'm honestly not sure what my reaction

would have been in that situation dude's rock that's my reaction this by the way speaks to the male understanding of the necessity and utility of a wedding more than anything I have ever heard in my life.

I thought you were going to say of a woman. No. Of a wedding. What do I do? I purchase groceries. Yo, that's it. That's all I got to do. I got to show up and eat some tea cakes.

Congratulations to Derek. I just invented Uber Eats. I've disrupted being a wedding guest. This is a meal planning service. You see. I'm an entrepreneur. World's first Instacart. Should we do some ads?

ads before we get into the reader stories i was going to say you if you if you want money for a wedding it's important to plan and it's important to have the resources necessary with which to have that wedding ain't that right jason sure you're saying the real stuff so i'm looking at my acorns account right now which you can oh shit i almost have six hundred sixty six dollars i'm very excited i'm going to take a screenshot when that happens um acorns dot com slash full cast you can start yourself off with five dollars and you will very soon have more money than we had for our entire wedding slash honeymoon which i currently have in my acorns account this would have actually changed things significantly we could have made it all the way to shit we could have made it to

you could have gone to the haunted house yeah we could have made it to gatlinburg and bought knives in the knife store in the square mall in gatlinburg with that kind of money um but how acorns works is nickels and dimes off your purchases go into your account and you can throw money in it whenever you want and then it goes into the investment machine and investment stuff happens it'll probably go better than bitcoin has recently have you seen this have you heard of this folks bitcoin's not doing it folks uh the crypto's way of the future the best part the best part about that is by the time this episode comes out that could be completely inaccurate or even understating it more yeah who's to say hartzel is grinding his teeth the um the i think i forget

who did it my favorite tweeted last few days showing that avocados are more stable investment in Bitcoin over the last year or whatever. I always have been shout out to avocados. Shout out avocados. I'm sure Acorn, somewhere within the portfolio, is an avocados fund. I am still on pace to retire well after age 83, but that is fine. Acorns.com slash fullcast, start yourself off with $5. I am, again, $5 away from 666 in my Acorns account.

My own Acorns account, I have the family plan. I will tell you a stunning update. in the embezzlement of my younger son's fund by my younger son there's been a stunning turnaround i do not know how this happened i do not do not know why it happened but despite contributing the same amount to each account every single week just a drip drab in here on their way saving a little bit so that over time it will grow and before you know it you'll have a substantial amount in there for either of them planning for their future my younger son is somehow pulled ahead what yes there's been a $25 swing

can I offer you my new theory this is all a smokescreen and he has some much bigger heist going on over here where we're not paying attention and he's purely manipulating the acorns account to distract us from whatever else is I feel like I need to clarify this these are two identical accounts that you set up right correct same amount goes in every single week okay and the market evidently

And I literally, I will only check it once a week while I am on the air doing this acorns read. And the younger son is somehow pulled ahead by $25. What do you mean somehow? You give an eight-year-old unfettered access to your phone all the time. Pretty much. And Lord. Which I think is a great idea, to be clear, for me, because it's funny. And it will be cover when I rob you.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe the crypto, maybe my older son has been in on that crypto, folks. of it you heard about this thing maybe he went a little hard on it he really did like anime dogs this is probably the next logical step dad what's doged coin yeah that's is that how you say it because there has been a like seven week debate on hand in the dirt on the pronunciation of that that currency sober where do you stand on this it's clearly fucking doggy coin it's got a dog on it Are you serious?

No, I'm with server, this is the only one that makes sense. It's like, on the full cast, clearly call it doge coin, but it's dog e-coin. Oh, man. No, dog e-coin is the only thing that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense, I agree. But is it supposed to make sense? I pronounce it. It is supposed to make sense.

I pronounce it full. foolishness. That's how I say it. Gosh, darn it. It's not supposed to make sense because sense is old currency. We're a way past that stuff. All we do is fake money that you can't spend at the grocery store. Adieu, Montpetard. I'm sorry, I just had to cede that into the conversation.

And from it, a mighty oak of discord will grow. Oaks, you say, acorns.com. I was going to say, if you start the ad read over based on that, I'm going to smack you. no no no i was i was i was going to talk about um not just the things that will be growing but i want to talk about i want to talk about a different kind of planning entirely because do you know what i'm looking forward to and this is the thing that i haven't gotten to do during the pandemic i have not gotten to actually look ahead are you going to sing no i don't know who is playing bad boys or why but I'm going with it okay I'll tell you why it's me playing bad boys you know why

because that's your wedding video because home field apparel big new Saturday coming soon and who's first up on the list no yeah the Notre Dame fighting Irish oh that's it recorded before a live studio audience Notre Dame football that's much less interesting yeah that's right see I Notre Dame is first. I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure the stuff is good. This is an ad. I'm sure it's fine.

I've seen, I mean, they are first, and I will say, if anybody is going to make me at least appreciate a Notre Dame football product, it will be home field. They're the only ones who could get me to appreciate

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We have an offer code, full cast. It gives you 20% off, and we don't know what you're going to use it on. You could use it on $1,000 worth of Notre Dame apparel, making you one of the freakiest freaks to ever freak. Or you could spend it on non-Noderdame apparel. We'll never know. It's the perfect crime, ironically, even if you spend it on cop gear. You can also, by the way, get the season two subscription

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on the Big New Season 2 subscription for just $20. all right is it time to read some some disasters i think we're here it's time i got one more one sentence read who the fuck covers a wedding cake in whole grapes i agree that's the best part of that one oh that sounds it's good gonna look like a rash i this is the first one i reserved uh in going through this list it is i think a succinct tale of triumph and glory it is from a user who identifies themselves only as Goku Jones Goku Jones

and the entire story is bride and pastor got into a fist fight yes yeah what what further details would help none absolutely none I don't want to know when this happened

I don't want to know why this happened I don't want to know what anybody did about it I just want to know bride and pastor got into a fest fight. When would be the best point in the day for this to happen? After the ceremony.

Oh, I was going to say mid ceremony. Oh, I said before. Wow. We were having different definitions of best, I think, is the... Maybe that proves that this is the perfect story because if it's equally good whenever it happens. Yeah, the three of us plotted it literally at any point in the day. Because, like, what I like is pastors up there with a black eye.

Just... you win some you lose some all right you know walk it off right and in holly's version the pastor has already served his purpose and now can be punched and it's not disposable

I'm going to turn the other cheek and she's like I wish you would you son of a bitch I need to bruise that one too bam these are the two most dangerous people at the wedding this is actually the real danger

of fall weddings is punching clergy yeah absolutely like I think punching punching clergy Oh, fall weddings are fine, by the way. Don't act like you got married the day of LSU Bama and act like that's a tragedy. It's a wedding. You're fine. I'm not sure if I've told this before. My parents got married on the third Saturday in October on purpose because my mother wanted to see who would

choose her over the Tennessee Bama game. We live with that kind of self-possession. We have a really good fall wedding in here. We do. We have a really good one. Can we knock that one out? real quick. Can we skip straight to that one? I think we can. Okay. This is from Seth Rowe. Went to a friend's wedding in Georgia. They were both UGA alums and most of the people at the wedding were as well.

The wedding date was November 16th, 2013 because Georgia was playing Auburn at the time of the reception. They put the game on a large projection screen in the middle of the room. Everyone watched in horror as Nick Marshall through a

73-yard Hail Mary to Ricardo Lewis for the game-wain touchdown. Here's the thing. The no-fall weddings crowd is mostly geared around your friends want to watch football and want to go to football. And like, I think we all agree that, listen, there's plenty of football. If you want to have a fall wedding, if that's what makes sense for you, that's fine. The risk you take, if you have a fall wedding, is this.

Is that your day will be forever associated with something terrible that happens to your Like that couple that proposed at the Northwestern Syracuse game or whatever it was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your days associated with an event called the prayer. Don't, Spencer, don't we have a story from this exact game? Isn't this the one where we found Doug in the dog bed? Yeah, this is the game where Doug rebooted. This is the most amazing, by the way, this is how to recover.

Just let's, this is a recovery loss. Happened, he crashed. We're on the couch. He was between us. I remember he's on the couch because I remember we're kind of looking at each other over his head as this transpires. And he gets up without a word and he just walks out of the room and I can hear him going upstairs to bed. And after like an hour, I made you go check on him to see if he was breathing. Yes.

And he was lying face down, but he was still breathing, right? And then a couple hours later, there's like a Hawaii, Wyoming game. Like it was real, we were watching a super, super late game and it comes downstairs and he doesn't say anything. he's like in his boxers now but he's completely silent he doesn't look at anybody he doesn't say anything he goes into the kitchen and he gets a pint of ben and jerry's out of the freezer and he stands at the kitchen counter and he houses the entire thing like mechanically just staring ahead into nothing like a steam shovel and then he comes back into the living room and the dogs are in their little palette on the floor between us and the TV and he just lays down on the bed with the dogs and then like

Avar after that he got up and he was fine yeah just curled up rebooted settled down it was I'd never seen a person perform a hard reset on themselves that's what everyone at this wedding had to do yeah unilely so I really man I wish them luck because this is amazing

I think the only thing worse would have been if you had been a Michigan fan at the Michigan Michigan state and the kick is blocked or the pun is blocking that would have been worse because that was that was already bad and tense and against a game a game that brings you no pleasure Like if Michigan beats Michigan State, it's not supposed to make you happy,

but if you lose to them, it's the worst thing of the world. That game. Georgia Auburn, you might know crazy's coming. Michigan, Michigan State, it's fraught. It's fraught from the start. So perhaps no fall weddings, the best move is no fall weddings when your team is playing. I actually went through. With the stipulation that ideally your rival is playing a very risky game.

Sure. I actually made a calendar for this one time of like if you were like the lone Michigan State grad and a group of Michigan fans like when to schedule your wedding for maximum irritation to them. That's a good one. But also you should get married when you want to because you're only going to get the chance to do that like four or five times. And you can watch Georgia lose to Auburn like every other year. Yeah. That's gonna happen. We get married every fall for all I care. Go for it. Ooh that's again. Yeah. It could you just want a groom's cake for yourself get married every fall go right ahead uh i'm with amanda maul though normalize armadillo

cakes for brides grooms you're on your own i do like by the way every time i've ever seen a groom's cake it always looks notably shittier than every other cake like here's the groom's cake it's just the lower standard they're just like their guys here make dog food in the shape of a cake they'll be fine it's yeah it always is very much like oh cool minecraft yeah Which, I mean, that's really all the entertainment most of them require. Does he need a fork? No. No, he doesn't.

He's just going to eat it with his hands. I mean, grooms are basically Sims. Can it just be like the groom's box of Publix Fried Chicken? Well, you remember what we did. Yeah. The donut situation. Yeah. But if you're going to, like, a groom doesn't want a cake.

Just give them like, here's the groom's Nintendo Switch. actually that's great just sit them in a corner there should be you know there should be ballpits at wedding receptions for the groomsmen just heard them in there oh look at the father-daughter dance this is so beautiful and over in the corner it's i play golf story it's so good luigi's mention three is very challenging i um i just remembered that i went to an auburn wedding in 2017 when lSU came back in the final two minutes to knock off the number 10 Auburn Tigers. I'm looking at the win probability for that game. Auburn was up at 100% for about three-fourths of the game,

and then the wedding got fun. Oh, that is festive. Because LSU scored the last four, last two touchdowns and last two field goals. Jason, I want you to stay on the mic, Jason, because I have a request for your first reserved selection here in order. because stay on the mic It is the only entry on here that has its own actual footnote

Yeah don't slip between worlds again I will not go to the So this is from BC This was my friend's wedding A full on brawl erupting at the rehearsal dinner And ended with the wedding cancelled Threatening to disown the sun And a $300,000 lawsuit

BC was kind enough to include the news coverage which comes from reputable outlet New York Post. Wait, the post? Yeah. Like not a New York Times wedding announcement, but the New York Post did a story about your wedding. You fucked up. That's so you know it's good, yeah.

Yeah. Oof. It's actually a $325,000 lawsuit between the families countersuing and countersuing. Wedding didn't happen. My single favorite anecdote in here, let me find it. The Bride's brother

punched the groom's brother Excuse me, other way around. Groom's brother, quote, slugged Bride's brother in the kisser, according to the lawsuit. Groom's dad then tried to charge in. They wrote kisser in the lawsuit? In the post.

And it looks like Groom's dad charged in. Bride's dad struggled to hold him back. I like how they're like pairing up like in Marvel Civil War where like they're pairing up based on power levels, you know they're not having like fucking hawk-eye fight vision it's like dad versus dad brother versus brother like everyone is arranging according to their power um just fair fights all

around and sorry about your dad just gets worse and worse like every fucking paragraph in this post is like oh god oh god oh she had to go the in order to get her stuff out of the apartment of the guy she had to go with an off-duty police officer oh hold on we have we've skipped over the um So they had this, they had this, maybe the rare literal only in New York. They had this rehearsal dinner at a, at a pretty fancy restaurant in Union Square. But I want to focus on the, um, the businesses owned by the fathers. First up, the groom's father is the owner of a business called Long Island Pipe Supply. His opponent, his opponent, the bride's father, is the head of old bridge chemicals in New

Jersey. Oh, dear. Oh. This is Bruce, this is a Marvel origin. Like, these are, these are natural, these are natural enemies, pipes and chemicals.

And it being sued back, and it's being sued, by the way, the last comment in the story is this, we look forward to answering these baseless allocations, said the lawyer,

Michael Anton Giovanni. Damn. That whole last thing is one name, by the way. Michael Anton Jabar. Go on the army. Safe.

Grassy. Yeah. This is incredible. It's the only story in here that comes with its own New York post story. The important thing there for me is that post, not Times. Holly is absolutely correct. Like, oh, our wedding was in the Times. Nah, I was in the post, bitch.

That's how you know something went wrong. Yeah, it was in the post. yeah um all right i'm going to take this one from kyle in dallas oh kyle my wedding was very nearly perfect however things went off the rails when someone found a fairly large bag of cocaine in a stall of the men's bathroom wait was kyle at my wedding unclear this prompted a slew of wannabe investigators going to examine the bathroom to try and find the person that was blitzed out of their mind that same stall was missing a toilet

seat as it had been ripped off of the toilet and was missing it was later found and what a like soft verb that is for this when the alleged consumer of said cocaine was throwing the toilet seat at random guests trying to play a life-size version of horseshoes found i found it yes i found it it just hit me yes the mystery is the easiest game of where in the world is Carmen Sandhago possible. Fucking Captain America with the toilet seat. Is that you, Steve?

On your left. I can do this all day. Yeah, that's the, uh, I found the super serum in the bathroom. It's awesome. It gives me powers. So strong. So goddamn strong now. The original super syrup.

Cocaine. You Eric Clapton, Captain Britain. That's my secret, Cameron. I'm not on cocaine like you. It gave Hermann Gering the superpowers of obesity. God. I have my next one, which is from Greg. Just simply Greg.

Greg has this story. Found a reputable, efficient lady for a beach-adjacent wedding. but my father-in-law to be insisted that only a man could officiate his daughter's wedding oh brother like what kind of 1500s bullshit oh no our tribes cannot be united unless this shit is baptist as hell this i don't want this marriage to be menstrually contaminated only a man this is in the story by the the way it capitalized so i tend to want to read it as insisted that only oh man could officiate his daughter's wedding no problem she says her husband is licensed and ordained and can do it and now this is just me talking i'm about to tell you the story of how to be a king day of the wedding

he shows up drunken in cargo shorts it was not that type of beach wedding reads the wrong program packs three huge plates of our limited reception food and leaves. Like a man. I thought you said you wanted a man. Anyway, let's just give a big welcome

to Kaylee and Wenho. This is their wedding. It's the job for a man, I see. Yeah, our name is Malcolm and Jessica. All right, I'm going to pack up some of these ribs. they're looking a little clammy in the sun

I know you didn't cut the cake but I'm going to want some of that too I'm just going to take a tear it's easier this way I'm gonna grab a gift on my way out Hey can I get a ride I got officiate another wedding This dude that's what the cargo shorts were for

Petty fours He's just stuffed it up with any fours Yeah it's like shitty gifts for the happy couple stuff he found at a previous wedding. I don't mean this to come off the wrong way, but given the limited amount of interaction

that the clergy have to do at a wedding anyway prior to the ceremony, how did they know he was drunk? Like, he had to be drunk, drunk. He had to be real biggie big drunk in order for people to go, that dude, he smashed up. Spencer, he probably told him.

That's a boy, you should show up in part of it. Daily, beloved, I'm pretty hammered. I'm going to need some food before I do this. Dearly, beloved, it's so fucking hot out of her. We got to soak all this up, am all right? FinCrust pizza, fine. Her husband, that's the best part, it's her husband.

You got to call the efficient and be like, hey, your husband was trashed already. Like, ah, he's basically a bear. This is like a Florida Edgar Allen Poe story. Oh. What? My husband's been dead for 30 years. This is from Applecourse. It happened to my sister, but it's a great cautionary tale.

Her friend who got pregnant in high school was the first of their friend group to get married. She had her heart set on a beach wedding, so they rented a big house as the venue. She had her fellow 19-year-old and broke bridesmaids by custom-made black, white, and red color-block dresses that cost more than off the rack, but they looked like the losing effort in a two-year-old. our project runway challenge. That is a very specific degree of shity right there. Yeah, that's really on point. She made everyone pay to have their makeup done professionally, and then it rained.

Not a gentle photogenic drizzle, but a Gulf Coast monsoon. The bride insisted she was still getting married outside. So the wedding party is outside for the ceremony while the remaining guests watch from the windows of the house. the red dye from the dresses bled all over everything the expensive makeup runs down everyone's face and the bridesmaids change into shorts and t-shirts for the rest of the reception the photos are hilariously bad

and my sister's friend group learned exactly how not to act when they got married post the photos yeah yeah I would like to see these photos because it sounds like some sort of Tim Burton hell wedding we're going to get these photos in the nerd post yeah that's oh my god that the that is another one of my favorite elements

which is the bride insisting on having the wedding that she was going to have even if even if circumstances god no and yeah now i'm getting married outside it's happening it's happening uh jason oh am i next yes i hadn't let's see uh let's go with here's a short one from jerry in Milwaukee and I'm gonna say some words and then I'm just gonna sort of shrug all right here we go win in blind to a full rugby wedding I don't know what that means I I googled rugby wedding and all I found was like cake toppers of like ha ha ha oh oh it's lady tackling a man she caught her a man that's it that's all I got yeah I figured so I don't know what a rugby wedding of weddings of rugby weddings blind from alcohol poisoning Holly can you

text Jane and ask her what a rugby wedding is? Yeah, one sec. Thank you. I figure a rugby wedding also means that you're going to be drinking champagne out of a shoe. You're probably going to be drinking. Yeah, probably a shoey. Yeah, you're going to be, you're going to get, there's going to be some shooies.

That's going to happen. Also, some deeply unsanitary and unnecessarily sanitary shots, right? Like, yeah, it's a shooy off someone's ass crack. Right? Like, that's... Everyone in a rugby wedding turns into an Australian. Let's keep in mind. This is a, quote, full rugby wedding.

Sure. Those are different than a half rugby. You don't, you know, those are only so fun or bad. I'm a quarter of rugby on my mom's side. A full rugby. Also, you go in blind to one, then, I mean, what are you showing up in, like, a helmet? Or, like, was your head not on a swivel when you entered the venue? Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe you enter, and it's a rugby match where people are also getting married. Okay, so. In college, uh, so comes no surprise to Ryan who knows this person, but my roommate and I used to plan, uh, well,

we called our wedding, but it was always asterisk, you know, to different people. And we, for the longest time, had planned out a super Mario themed wedding where Bowser would be blocking the aisle and the groom would have to come down and jump on his head three

times to defeat him. And then they made that, Then they made that Nintendo game. Yeah. Kind of. They did. Anyway, you're welcome for that. This was 2006, so I'm pretty sure we, I'm pretty sure we got in ahead.

Yeah, they owe you money. This again gives me an opportunity to remind everybody that the main plot of the Mario stories is Princess being in love with Bowser and obsessed with him and unable to admit it to the public. No, she admits it to herself, at least, at the end of Odyssey. She does when the perfect man is the mold, the psychosepherson. sexual mold of both Bowser and Mario. Yes, when he takes possession and she's

like, oh, Mario. And who better to play him in a children's movie? Dennis Hopper. What I think of the sexiest, most comforting man in the world. I think of the gas guy from Blue Velvet. What Tilda Swinton

to be Bowser? I feel like she could really bring a fresh take. Sure. Tilda Swinton plays every role. Plays Bowser, plays Princess. Shy guy. Shy guy. Should be a great shy guy. Don't lie.

Holly. Yeah, what? It is your turn. All right. I'm just going to use one sentence from this one. The night before our wedding, my wife's brother crashed her Saturn Ion through a wooden fence at the wedding venue in an attempt to prove to a cousin that he could drift. So good. so good

Saturn Ion like these are if you saw her Saturn Ion if you were like scrolling through your TV guide and these were descriptions of a TV movie

or like an episode of Law and Order you would definitely watch them immediately oh 100% also the last sentence of this I will read just because it is also beautiful 10 years later he's still known as Tokyo Drift

oh that's important I Tokyo Drift what's going on I would love to share the story of one RIS RISS only name I got here This is another shorty

Three words Three words are shortest entry and might I say Our most poetic And this doesn't sound like a wedding disaster to me But I'm going to take your word for it buddy Riss reap it simple stupid Yep, because the only information I have is shirtless Russian groomsmen. Yes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did he come to harm? Did something happen? Impossible. Was this precious resource not adequately protected? He was shirtless Russian groomsman. When do you think, when do you think this isn't wedding blessings? When do you think the Russian groomsman was shirtless?

Is it singular or plural? It's singular Singular Was he wearing suspenders? Was he wearing a jacket? Yeah, I don't know. I like to think that he's just oiled up, right? That he just looks like...

Yeah, and Ascot's just going to get soggy if you get too much oil on it. Just a cumberbund. Do you think he processed down the aisle shirtless? Undoubtedly. Fuck, that rules. Yeah, just shirtless. Russian groomsmen is the only clue I get or need here for this story.

That's beautiful. The best part is that, you know, a wedding takes a minute, so he'd be up there for 10 or 15 minutes, minimum. And you'd be looking over going, no, he's still there. I'm not dreaming. He's right there. But eventually you get used to it, and then it's weird that you're used to it. Let the world see my naked ally ship with Steve, my friend. I tell this story of my wedding with my tattoos.

it's just me go for Eastern promises just up there nude is it my turn now it is all right this one this one I really enjoyed reading it the first time through just because well we'll get there this is from J.B. Anderson CPA on Twitter wife and I eloped to Vegas with two days planning we had both been engaged before and did not want to do the whole rigmarole. Two couples and a few friends joined us. The morning of, one of the couples decided to get married as well.

Wait, what? So I think, I think basically they were like, hey, we're going to go to as... Is this a thing that happens? This is not surprising to me in the slightest. Okay. Just because I feel like, listen, I want to emphasize Cerber really nailed Las Vegas so well in the previous episode for somebody who's never been there. But, like, where, in the same way that where other weird things are perfectly normal in Vegas, your friends deciding, we will also get a quickie wedding because you're doing it feels normal in that set.

That's, I don't know why for some reason that is striking me as odd among everything else that I see here. So it's going to take an important turn. And I'm glad that you're catching on to this. As the minister began my wedding, he called my now wife and I by the names of the other couple. My lovely bride gets angry and tells him to start over, then points at the videographer the chapel provided to, quote, rewind and start the tape over. Watching the ceremony months later, the tape guy says, okay, aims the camera down, waits about 30 seconds and says, oh, done rewinding, and then the scenes like nothing happened. That is a veteran.

The only thing that would have made this better is if he had made rewinding noises with his mouth. This is the laziest shit I've ever heard, and I have to respect it. Like, it's one button, and then it stops itself. I would have done this. This is totally what I would have done. You just push one button, and then it clicks once, like. No. But this guy was like, you know this guy was like, I make $7 a ceremony.

Don't ever tell me that millennials are lazy. There is no, there is no extra editing you're getting for this. There is no extra effort. I will point the camera downward for 30 seconds and say done rewinding and that's it. The best part is this. You have to come back to Vegas to take it up with him. You'll never find him. This is the best part because it's implied.

At some point, the videotape was given over to these people. I'm going to assume it's a videotape. It's funnier if it wasn't, but that's fine. And rather than, if it was a CD or a DVD, they could have just, like, quickly clipped the video to basically achieve the same effect. But they chose not to do that. And they were like, no, we're going to leave in the part where I aim the camera down, count to 30 and say done rewinding.

And that's going to be part of the video. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. I think it's great. Take a little nap right quick. Like, like as a, no, I mean, as a person who never, ever, ever watches internet videos, if I don't have to, you really have to time this well if you have friends who send you a lot of videos because you have to wait the perfect amount of time. It's almost a chore in itself to pretend that you have watched the video because if you say ha, ha, ha, back to them too fast, they won't drop it because they'll know you haven't watched it.

Like, imagine, there's a, there's a sense of pace that comes into play here. imagine you're watching a college football game and there's a close call and we have to go to video replay and the official goes over to the little booth on the side and in this instance the booth is clearly connected to nothing it's just an empty little tent for him to go into and he says out loud okay rewinding okay reviewing play and then he comes out having done nothing that's what happened to these people and i love it pack 12 would have done that Okay, rewinding. There's one part of this story I do not buy, and it is the final sentence that says, My wife laughs now, but she was livid at the time. We've only watched the video twice, so think she finally let it go. Oh, honey. My wife laughs now, but she was living.

My wife laughs now and she was livid at the time. No, she is not letting go. You got to watch your prepositions, man. No. This woman is a stay mad, all-star. Yeah. She's gotten over it. Uh-uh.

Here's the thing. He's going to die mad over this. You absolute fool. And you can tell that that's right because he says we've only watched the video twice. You would have watched it more than twice if she thought that shit was funny. The second time was so that she could take down the features of that guy's voice. That's right. I also want to point out, we've only watched the video twice.

We don't know how many times she has watched it for the identity of the videographer. Sure. Yeah. My voice is my. passport verify it me oh uh i'm next um let's see here we're gonna go straight to the good one they're all good but we're gonna go straight to boomer the dog we paid for a dj that dj sent his friend uh oh oh no j didn't have ad-free spotify target ads played during my wedding he left for 30 minutes to move his car so he didn't get towed

He also played Cupid Shuffle five times My new brother-in-law offered to kick him in the head Down, down, do your dance, do you dance Wait, wait, wait, you got a brother-in-law who can do a roundhouse kick? It could be a jump kick, could be a flash kick, could be a... It sounds like you came out ahead, is all I'm saying. It could be a jump off a table. I mean, brother-in-law is very limber

because he's done the Cupid Shuffle five times So he's going to be able to get that leg up pretty high, I think. This just seems like a very welcoming family. And congratulations on your acceptance into it. Yeah, Bermar the Dog, you are officially welcoming the family. Congrats to Target as well. Good story. Target got some free air time.

I'm sure everyone was like, you know, I do need to go pick up some fucking Drano and bananas. That's what I'm getting at Target today. And there's probably one guy who's like, oh, shit, I need a gift. I'm going to go run the target. Holly, I think it's your turn again. Oh, why not? I am just going to pull one sentence from this one as well. From Roto Tudor.

We had our wedding reception at an old Victorian house in Little Rock. Some older listeners, fuck you, may recognize it as the design. Digning Women House. RIP, me, Shaq Taylor. Yeah, seriously, man, how dare you? And it's just, I, sorry, I'm just so tender upon thinking about this. At the time, it was a popular event and wedding reception place without getting into a lot of detail. Thank you.

I was playing rugby at the time again with the rugby weddings. And, of course, invited several teammates and their significant others. There was not another wedding reception at that house for 20 years. man rototutor i've known you for a long time and i love you man but i feel a little bit differently about you knowing that you have spoiled the ground that were once trod upon by dixie carter that was the actual night the lights went out in georgia you turned the designing women house into a super fund

that's work i want to tell you the story of zach mackaley Leave us how you pronounce this. I'm going to tell you a story of a drunk child. I'm not say it's a good thing that happened. There's just a line in here that pretty much reflects what I think about three-year-old, particularly three-year-old girls. Went to a friend's wedding two years ago. Reception had those pitchers filled with spigots that are filled with various alcoholic beverages.

The bride's daughter, three years old at the time. Oh, yeah, took two pretty big pulls off the sangria pitcher because she thought it was regular fruit punch. that three-year-old was a belligerent and mean drunk started screaming at people and hitting them before being taken to a separate location the post the p.S on this is also my other friend almost drove us off a cliff on the way to a bar after all that had gone down okay that's just a nice little fill-up on the whole thing I want to get back to this I bet a three-year-old really would just be you'd be like you're so mean

oh my god they're already up past their bedtime right right right I think Yeah, at that point, after two sips, low Kaylee, she becomes like Aunt Kaylee. Yeah. I remember when you didn't get me a cookie, you're ugly and you're going to die sooner than I will. That's so funny. I heard mama say your hair's fooling people, but your lips ain't. A three-year-old would call you ugly and say you were going to die before they did sober. Yeah.

Yeah. Think of the shit they would say after two swigs from the same group. It's actually your butt that makes you look fat, not that pencil skirt. How do you tell if a three-year-old is drunk? What are they going to say? I'm going to pay my pants. That's the kind of thing they say sober. There's no difference between a drunk three-year-old and a sober three-year-old.

I don't like your face. They'll say that anyway. Yeah. How do you know? I want to drive the car. Yep. I'm just seeing like a will-fair. I'm never going to sleep ever again.

I'm taking off my clothes. I want Waffle House. Okay, these are all things a three-year-old would say. So really, it's on you for not being prepared for a regular three-year-old and therefore a drunk three-year-old. Like, what does this three-year-old sound like sober? Are they like, is this a little Aristotle, you know? I just want everybody to realize that the encounter with a belligerent

and slightly intoxicated three-year-old was so traumatic that it made almost being driven off a cliff a post-script in this story. yeah we almost got drove all you know the details are not included in here but this sounds like this person was specifically targeted by the bullying of this child yeah here's the thing i will agree that a drunk three-year-old is not that different from a standard issue three-year-old the thing i really don't want to deal with is a hung-old yeah ryan you have the closest thing to a three-year-old oh yeah yeah like that part doesn't worry me it's hungover three-year-old that part is yeah truly miserable to deal with i don't want to get out of bed maybe some maybe some eggs where again repeating things a three-year-old would say I want fruit loves and bad no here's the thing a hungover three-year-old is going to sob

so hard for so long it's going to be bad yeah so so as as unpleasant as drunk three-year-old at the wedding was to you the guest I promise you the parents had the worst morning they've ever had by far well first they will

up and they were like oh god she could have died that's the first thing right right then they're like half an hour later they're like would that have been so bad well then the next thing they thought was other people saw that happen yeah not just us they're like everyone saw everyone saw the three year old take two sips of sangra and did nothing and did nothing third of all oh my god you have so much practice to do with her before she goes to arizona state fourth of all Arizona state homecoming queen 2030 what if they go in the kitchen and she's in there making limousas yeah this hey just cracking a rock crack a little hair of the dog hey let's get back on let's get back on again things three-year-olds eat hey don't worry mom i only smoke when i drink

where's the paper we're going to the dog track today shut up if you don't like it i got to the head it's gonna be a minute it's gonna be a doozy when your three-year-old daughter is like abusive dad yeah yeah I mean that's kind of what three-year-olds are anyway so

hey mom I'm Bob Hoskins now deal with it boy because we're in a darn track suit and slippers you know Guy Ritchie films are really

underappreciated I think can we watch Food Dog Sank What time of the fucking Packers pick-off? Jesus. I wish we had Mike Felder on here because this sounds like nothing so much is his three-year-old.

Who is not, who does not, has not ever consumed alcohol as far as I know, but who he did say on hand in the dirt a couple weeks ago calls him Felder. Wow.

Fuck, that's good. Spencer, can I steal one from you? Wow. Yes, I have a request for Jason after this, but yes, steal one for me, please. This is from Alex. We have a trade. We have a trade alert. This is from Alex.

I'm sorry, is it time? Can I point out one more time that the NFL draft alert music is the intro line from it's raining on prom night from Greece the musical? Oh, wow. It'll never stop bothering. me. That's going to mess with me. Thank you. This is about a, not the bride and groom. They had a great wedding. This is a member of Alex's wedding party who did not have a great time. This person had a now former significant other who attended the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding and decided

that open bar meant as much crown royal as possible in a two-hour window. What year did they graduate Wait from Ole Miss. We didn't think much of it. Went about our weekend and the bridal party member showed up the next day without a date. And we didn't think anything of it. This is why the former significant other decided to after the rehearsal dinner. One, steal the keys from our friend. Two, hop in their car.

Three, drive the car home across state lines for what it's worth. Four, hit multiple cars and hit and run scenario. Five, park the car in the parking lot. of their building i'll pause for questions wait wait multiple okay one car with like one hit and run accident with multiple victims or multiple hits and runs unclear and i choose to believe the second absolutely me too right i have a question yes please we're not done does this get worse it's way worse spencer oh no oh fuck um the bridal party member the the other party who had had the keys stolen from them an Uber back to the shared apartment.

And upon returning home, minutes after the now-former significant other got into a very loud argument about how dumb and reckless all of this had been. But that argument was interrupted by sirens. Those sirens belong to the fire department arriving because the now-former significant other had on top of all the other bullshit attempted to torch the car to destroy the evidence. And the car was on fire in the parking lot. This is their car. This is their shared car or possibly the partner's car who did not do all this drunk

bullshit. But their now former significant other decided, yes, I will solve the problem with fire. An impulse that has never been wrong in human history. This is up there with the Kentucky Bachelor Party on the boat. Solve your problems with aggression. You can read this key. You can read this other key. Nah, fuck that.

Let's go. Listen. He dawned browned that thing. That's what he did. He donned browned. He solved his problems with aggression. Fire. Fire cleanses.

Fire always offers you a new life. All right? Listen, do you know what's reassuring, honestly reassuring about that story? The phrase immediately. introduced former significant other. Let's go to Stefan, according to Stefan's own notes, pronounced stay fawn like an asshole. Open mic on speeches slash toasts, most of which consisted of the groom's marine buddies telling the bride's parents how badly she was fucking up in marrying him.

I mean, you were in the Marines. This is going to happen. But here's the good part. You invited them in. The best speech comes from a non-marine because the groom. childhood friend admits she still loves him reception is you got to do this short before the wedding babe yeah get it's a little late for that ma'am also join the Marines because then you know there's lots of other guys like him

there this seems like a target rich environment for her reception was cut short when the venue kicked us all out due to said buddies throwing beer bottles at the very expensive koi in the very expensive koi pond yes yes and then the The final line by Stafon is San Diego He said to the He's not attacking Coi with my ear bottles

The Marines are pelting the $1,000 fish Like We're the guys you should be marrying Take Take that red china Throwing coin Throwing beer bottles Honestly of all the people

We've mentioned tonight That sounds like Yeah Marines call me But I still love you ain't that's the shit Hey, Cooter, watch me wing this beer bottle into this pond I picture her standing by the coy pond

And there's like six Beefy Squatty guys with the exact same haircut And you know, she's had a few So she can't even really tell which of these guys And you can take her home a match pair Yeah Yeah, all three of you, come on I'm still in love with all three of you

Well these meatheads are like Hey bro, I hate fish, I fucking hate fish too Fuck that fish I want to eat it We'll stop by Vons Where are the Marines? Where are the Kings of the Sea? We'll stop my vans on the way home and fuck up the seafood department.

I'm going to kill that fucking fish. It's got, it's got so much protein in it. Look how shiny it is. That coy is so big. I bet you can put it in a rear naked choke. You think you're better than me? You think you're better than me because you got gills? Your camo sucks, bitch.

Answer me. They would never paint a submarine orange. Stupid Korean fish. Stupid fucking fish. eat beer fought a war my grandpathy fought lost a war

so we wouldn't have to respect you people that fucking fish said I can't swim fish people hey that fish talk shit about the chargers get him stab it stab it I'm gonna get you in fat Nemo

Phil Rivers is a fucking legend say it say it we never should have traded Drew Brees just crying It's okay, it's okay, buddy. It's okay, bro.

Strong men cry about your bruised. I'm still in love with you, too. I forgot that's still happening. He's a large of a breeze. He's kind of a Marine. He thinks Guantanamo Bay is cool. And he's got a weird haircut. So let me tell you about this.

He's short. Let me tell you about all the places you can pee in a tank. He's short and markedly lacking in a tell. He's short and all he knows how to do is exercise and he takes weird pills. You want to taste each other for fun? Yeah, take your pants off. Wedding rules. Taze each other in the coin.

Why are you doing that? We like to party. I thought she said it was a wedding. Jonesy, I'm going to fuck this fish. Hey, let's go work out. I'm going to push up. A fish could do, bitch. You fish are cool.

I never learned to read. You fish are all right. I was wrong about you, fish. I'm pretty cool. The fish are dead at this point. These guys are chill. Call the admiral. Tell him it happened again.

We're still in love with those fish. Listen, this is my favorite thing to do on a Saturday night, and I do it every Saturday night. Hey, bro, let me tell you something. I wasn't even invited to this wedding. Bro, they call me the coy killer. You know how I got that name? Take a fucking guess. It's quite literal.

You only need two guesses. No, like literally literal. Just winging a beer bottle in there going, RIP, Kobe. Jesus. Mamba is the natural anatomy of fish A snake cannot suffer a lift

They do the jumping fade away And they say Kobe Cobby Bunk Oh and I killed a Kobe This is somebody just walks out And they're like This is a $10,000

like fish that you just killed Sir, a rare Japanese koi I'm sorry Are you telling me that the Marines executed something with unfortunate friendly fire i thought this was san diego okay um thank you jason i really wanted to hear that one and i just did i would really like to share the story i'm sorry i have to recover from this one

uh i want to share mike story which i have had this wedding situation but this is what i I share this because there's some extremely powerful dad energy and a dad alliance that occurs at the end, which is pivotal to the plot of the story. It's from Mike. Not my wedding, but a friend's wedding where I was the best man. It was in Jacksonville. Duval! There was a dispute between the families of whether alcohol should be served.

The bride's family insisted the answer be no. So, the groom's father decided to protest the decision by organizing a tailgate. in the parking lot of the venue fuck yes I was not able to go out there as I was threatened with death by the bride my dad joined it

and still views it as a peak of modern civilization I just like that the dad and the other guy probably didn't know each other they met out there and then they did the Beast Master handshake right

they did the like you know shake to the elbow like real men do right or they did the Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger like double class like yes friend. Yes. A couple of Jaguars' tents just appear out of nowhere.

They're out there playing smooth by Rob Thomas and Carlos Santana being like, yeah, man, it's life. We're not even going to go in the wedding. We're just going to stay. We're not going to the game. We're just going to stay at the tailgate, baby. That's right. Dave Gerard fucking rules. Never should have traded him. All right. I'm going to steal another one from Spencer. See, he squatted on a bunch of good ones. This is from... I've heard that about you.

Box of worthless junk. I went to a college Fred's wedding. He was marrying a Bulgarian girl. So there were 50 plus Bulgarian... Speaking of squatting on a box of worthless junk. There were 50 plus Bulgarian relatives in attendance. Here is where the plot turns. I decide I need to show them that I can go toe to toe with them when it comes to alcohol.

No. Oh, fuck, Pam. Examine this impulse. For it. Look, slander aside. Box of worthless junk, examine this impulse. Decide what it means. I drink a full bottle of, I don't know what this drink is.

Rakea. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, that is, that is, that is, no, no, no, that is akin to Raki. And it's probably homemade. It is an anus flavored liqueur. Okay. It's an anis flavored liqueur. You can run a lawnmower on it.

Only 40% ABV. Here's the, but no. Oh, it's probably homemade, which is worse. That's right. According to Wikipedia, the alcohol content of Rakea is normally 40% ABV, but home-produced Rokia can be stronger. Okay. Yes.

So. Tell me you have some Bulgarian relatives without telling me you have some Bulgarian relatives. Gentle, our gentle reader drinks a full bottle of this, most of a bottle of doors, wakes up the next morning with four large, uneaten, cold pizzas in my hotel room. Yes. The bride's wedding dress in my closet. Awesome. And a missing fingernail.

That's kind of bad, but... Just the nail? Yeah. Okay. The couple... Wait, wait. There's a single fingernail next to you in the bed, or you are missing a fingernail.

I think this person was missing a fingernail. That's slightly less interesting, but okay. This person says the couple still together, and it's the compliment of my life that her 63-year-old uncle complimented my drinking prowess. Yes. Again, examine This impulse

Box of Worthless Junk. I want to congratulate you on being the most full cast listener Because you have learned the exact wrong lesson What are you talking about? He got four pizzas I like I like this He woke up With four pizzas

A missing fingernail And mysteriously the bride's wedding dress And his immediate thought was You know the best around like immediately like oh I fucking did it crushed it

I'm a Bulgarian I'm a real bulg What is the conversation like when you ask How you acquired the bride's wedding I wouldn't I wouldn't ask I mean this I would just When I wake up I'd close that closet and walk away

I'd probably just like set it in the hallway And like oh shit that's weird I don't know why that's yeah You toss it outside with your room service boxes Four cold pizzas, uneaten. Maybe. Missing a fingernail. Maybe the bride turned into four cold pizzas.

Maybe she always was. Wow. By the way, also congratulations on winning nothing because the 65-year-old uncle thinks you can drink. You did this once. This just means you might have signed up to do it again. That's four more pizzas. You're assuming that that's how it counts,

and it's not, I don't. know like 16 more pizzas the next time yeah jason the multiplier is here i like how jason as our spiritual leader sees the blessings and everything no i think this is how i think this is actually some sort of bulgarian like prophecy where he wakes up with 16 pizzas the ghost of a woman in a wedding dress and is missing two fingernails and eventually it's like this is how you unlock your real spiritual bride and 64 pizzas it's a very distracted clue solution is what it is Yeah. An extremely distracted clue solution.

You woke up with a new, a new parental figure, food, and clothes. You're good to go. That's pretty good deal. The Lord has provided. The fingernails are vestigial evolutionary crap. You don't need it. That's a worthwhile trait. You're thinking about this like a video game.

You have acquired a wedding dress. On wedding dress. Now you are clothed. You're thinking about asset mining. You go, okay, hey, there's a Spartan Breath of the Wild where if you go over here and get drunk with this one ogre, he'll give you four pizzas and a dress every time. And eventually you can just stockpile like 400 of these

and trade them in for health. But it's 50 plus ogres. Yeah. That was required here. And they're all old. Imagine Link putting four pizzas in a pot. What comes out is one Chicago-style pizza. This makes Link.

This decreases. speed 50% for the rest of the game makes him indestructible and very slow link is very sleepy and he has no longer climb climbing is off now link wants to be sad about the bears a lot now troupansky what are they going to do with them uh holly's turn yes holly's turn all right so look this one rattles rapidly to a conclusion but i'm going to need you to power through the punchline and focus on the business model All right. Everybody ready? Mm-hmm. Okay. From two married son devils.

My wife and I got married out in the Arizona desert. Our vendor worked with a privately owned ranch so they could use the land for the wedding space. And while the ceremony and reception were outside, we paid to use a bunkhouse on the ranch so that my wife and her bridesmaids could get ready on site. When the party showed up to the bunk house the morning of our wedding, they were confronted by the rancher who clearly didn't expect them to be there. now can we turn this into a business model can we just sell property that we don't own to people that's we work i think that's we work okay all right all right we're gonna put that aside but let's let's talk about that at the next production meeting anyway is this we wed yeah yeah there we go the the rancher let them in but noted that he uses the space for storage and as such the room was

absolutely full of these silver tanks and the group needed to be extremely careful not to bother them And that's the story of how my wife got ready for her wedding surrounded by hundreds of gallons of bull semen. Hey man, you're just lucky you're not marrying a Bulgarian. Also known as Marines. Hey, dude, there's so much jizz in this barn.

Hey, Jeff, no other Jeff. Hey, hey, drink this. Drink this. No, it's protein. It's protein, man. It's protein. It's protein. Chug.

Chug. Hey, put the coin in there. Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. Put the coin in there. Put the coin in there. They'll turn to a merman. It'll turn into a merman. It's liquid, right?

Mike, I've seen it happen. It'll turn into a merman. It's liquid. It can swim, right? It's liquid. Are you a fish? It's not to where a fucking fish. T-1,000's basically made of this.

Look at this fucking pussy. He couldn't finish the bull's human. Fuck drinking it, bro. I tell you just snored it. Do it. Where were you in the Coast Guard? Yeah. Fight.

Then the fight right now. Is it me? My final one from One Big Cluster I don't know if that is the identity or the summary of the story but one and the same No restrooms at the venue

Wedding guests had to be shuttled back and forth to Wawa Go birds That's it Go birds Go fucking birds! Hey I gotta fuck I can take

shit You go hit that kid in the mouth He's five. I don't care. He cut in line. Excuse me. Your honor or whatever. Don't go into the bathroom after the Marines. Hey, I'm a drug three-year-old.

I need to use this bathroom right fucking now. Oh, so we got an attitude, kid. Kaylee needs to take your fucking shit. Just the three-year-old walking ever going, the fucking flyers. The fucking flyers. The best part is whoever was working the Wawa at this point was like, this is normal. This is completely normal. A parade of people in suits and gown.

Desperate to shit I can't believe This story is happening For this purpose And they didn't go to sheets I'm going to do my last one You want to go I do

Oh you want to go Okay I'm going to do Oh you want to go Bro Spencer's going to attempt to do one of his Before Ryan steals it I think I'm going to do one more And it's I'm going to make it count

It better be the one I'm looking at If it's not that I'm going to be pissed it's from butt pocket no it's not that one it's not that one okay you can steal that one go to hell spencer um this one's from butt pocket fuck you darren ravel

that's this whole signature on here oh thank you butt pocket all right so let me start by no wait I want to read can I just read the first sentence please because this is another one

where this is the rare one where there's one perfect sentence in it but the rest of it is also good thank you butt pocket let me start by saying that The groom is from Alabama and has outlaw tattooed on his ass. Out on the left cheek, law on the right. Surprise that, is that redundant, though? He said he's from Alabama.

Surprisingly, he's not the story either. So, maid of honor nails the speech. Everybody crying. Does great job. Then it's the time for the best man. Bucket describes the best man as obscenely drunk. And has been drinking for. two hours. He was too drunk to give

this speech two hours prior and he hasn't stopped drinking since. Starts crying in a really uncomfortably bad way then begins to reminisce about a beach trip the two of them went on when they were younger. It's going to be a little dramatic reading here. You're warned at a time. Following his paraphrase, but memory

for memory but is in no way exaggerated. We went on that beach trip back to Pensacola back in the day. That's back of you was fun. You did shit with me. Man, I remember I was down there in the water repeatedly swings the arms if he had a racket in hand that game thing continues swinging imaginary racket while turning to look at the audience y'all what's that called it fucking paddleball some shit that's it it's paddleball man it's a blast fucking paddle ball and man you remember them girls

god them girls was so hot them fucking college base from florida or whatever the fuck shit oh you had that girlfriend that was there she was such a bitch but god she had the fattest ass at this point the father of the bride jumps out of his chair and sprints to snatch the microphone away at a speed

because he too has an opinion on the ass of this girlfriend I want to emphasize that in but pocket's excellent transcription here fattest is written in all caps yeah like as if Al Pacino was yelling it Mobile Al Pacino

okay oh rain during the outdoor reception food mediocre music sucked best wedding i've ever been to it's my last one and i don't think i could do better thank you butt pocket here's the one i wanted you to do this is from the guy who set the bar on fire in korea oh welcome back my friend's family is hardcore scottish and his brother ended up marrying an english girl being scottish they wore their kilts in the wedding party the english groomsmen decided to wear england flag pins oh fuck no good-natured ribbing turned into kind of

of a bit of more of a thing. It was not good nature to any point. I mean, historically, that is correct. Fast forward to the reception. One of the English groomsmen has the DJ play the England national football team song. My now drunk friend goes over to the booth, takes the record off the turntable and breaks it over his knee.

Yeah, fuck you. We're not done. His wasted dad pulls down the English flag off the wall, gets up on the head table, and proceeds to bend over and wipe his ass with the flag right beside his new in-laws. Scotland, the brave.

Correct. This is the one I wanted. Spencer, yours was good too, but I really wanted to I wanted that. I'm sorry, I had to get to the phrase makes paddle ball motion. What do you call that? I get it.

To stick with the international one, here's my last one. This is from Ben. The year is 1985 in a small German village. My mother was pregnant with my brother and to appease my grandmother, both my parents decide to get married. There's no money in the family,

so they decide to have the celebration in their small garden with a friend of the family taking care of the food. Germany got legal league. Oh, okay. He had loudly announced it as their wedding gift from him. The day of the wedding comes,

and there's platters of cheeseburgers and cheeseburgers and nothing else. Oh, sorry, this is supposed to play a lot earlier. Oh, the song of Germany. Always on time. There's platters of cheeseburgers and cheeseburgers and nothing else because catering guy had forgotten the wedding until two days before. So he just went to a small burger place and ordered 60 burgers. Now, my parents are not the romantic kind and in many ways they're very stereotypically German.

So they shrugged it off and opened the quote unquote buffet for the guests. It didn't take long for my aunt to find mold on her two-day old cheeseburger, which had just been sitting in catering guy's car since. had ordered them no to save the party my dad got a friend to bring more alcohol from the gas station a few blocks away the wedding party started to drink including my mother who does not drink she never had before she never did after but on her wedding day she drank and it didn't go well she stumbled in her heels and fell through the glass door to the garden which promptly shattered and cut her badly she ended up having to go to the emergency room in her blood-drenched wedding dress and she vowed off alcohol afterwards the catering guy remains a close family friend

yeah ah yes that's right germany the brave oh curse mckelts i think this is when we recall everywhere is ultimately scotland