Shutdown Fullcast - Welcome To Chainsaw Season: Demo Day For College Football

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

Holly contemplates some recreational tree surgeryMeet a new Lady UncleMajor League Baseball injury reportRequisitioning elements of other sports to build a better or at least more interesting form of college footballMerch Madness totals announced and new PTKU initiative unveiled!The 2025 Charity Bowl begins on April 14Fullcast theme song arranged and performed by Nick KiviCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz: https://linktr.ee/killerantzListen to Ryan's other, less harrowing show, We're Not All Like This, and check out his new narrative podcast with Steven Godfrey, Who Killed College Football? https://www.wkcfb.com/Check out Jason's free CFB Watch Grid newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyi/DID YOU KNOW: Holly and Spencer write a year-round newsletter, featuring football and also unfootball things, at https://channel-6.ghost.io/

Hey, the chainsaws stop, so we don't have to have open microphone input on my computer with five chainsaw season. Truly, the changing of winter to spring as the chainsaws emerge from their chrysalises. Now that I've called it chainsaw season, I have a confession. Uh-huh. This was, okay, like, Ryan, you saw the picture. Yeah. This is not an especially large tree around in circumference. It is extremely tall.

Yeah. It is not a very large tree, but it's also a fairly young tree. And that makes its circumference, you know, somewhat uniform. You know, it doesn't have a lot of like big, low branches. And I say all this to say that my first thought when I walked out in the driveway and saw that the giant noise we had heard was a tree falling on the house. I was like, oh, shit, I'm glad that didn't hit anybody's car. Because there was another work crew at the house already.

Mm-hmm. And it didn't hit anybody's car. My second thought was, I can probably just roll this off the roof. I don't think that. That's a normal feeling, I think. Yeah, yeah. But we... It's heavy, though, right?

I got a little further down the path of, I can handle this myself. Oh. Than perhaps was wise. I misunderstood you. I thought you, I thought you were just observing that you could. That is very kind of you to think that that's what I did. That's not what happened. You were contemplating self-care for your tree.

Yeah. Got you. Think a little DIY, baby. Yeah. And so when the tree guy got here, I was just kind of, you know, because I've seen a lot of TikToks. And I was like, so hey, so if I cut it here, what would have happened? And if I cut it here, what had happened?

He's like, all right, here are the many ways that. And that's how I found out that my, um, own conceptions of physics, which I thought were pretty well fought through, were very wrong. What was the wrongest idea you had? I had some real dumb ideas. Do you, can you share what the dumbest was? So it's most, so the, the tree kind of fell at a, or the tree ended up at a 90 degree angle, because it's a little ways up on a hill. And it felt, so tree here. And it fell onto the garage roof, which is flat, right? So that's as far as it could fall.

So the tree is parallel to the ground, right? So what I had in my head, the plan was, well, I can just cut it off right at the, I can chainsaw right through the edge of the garage roof. Uh-huh, yeah. And then we can just drag the top of the tree off. And I was like, well, no, the top of the tree is huge. That's not going to work.

That's very heavy. I'm very sensible. Also, it's stuck down in the roof. It punched through the ceiling. It punched through. The Warhammer bench is unharmed. Fear not. Which was Brian Floyd's first question.

So I assume it would be a lot of people's first question. Warhammer bench unharmed. But people unharmed, pets unharmed. I guess that's the second and third question. Let's get our priority straight. We covered cars, orcs, people, pet. Yeah, that's pretty much it. The second thought I had was the dumb one, which was, okay, this tree is lying with the top of it on the garage room.

of the second part of it kind of like bent over still attached to the trunk. If I saw it off at the break, then the trunk of the tree will fall down and the top of the tree will lift up off the roof, right? Right. And the tree guy just looks at me very calmly and he says, well, then it starts to roll. Yeah, sure. And I'm just like, uh-huh. off the roof, right?

Blink, blink, blink, not further onto the house, right? Right, right, right. Blink, blink. And I should emphasize, I did not even, like, go to the garage. I did not even take a step towards physically picking up the chainsaw, but I got further down the mental path. Yeah, sure. Of I can fix this than maybe was prudent.

Can I offer my own dumb idea? Oh, please, yeah. Please, yeah. Because the tree guy also, through a series of other events, ended up trapped in the driveway in his truck for a while. Sure. So we had a lot of time to share stories. What if you left the tree?

And hear me out. What if you repaired the damage that the tree caused, but the tree stayed where it is extending out over your property, add a parallel to the ground? And what if you, like, made it a feature of the home in some way? Hung a swing from it. Maybe swings. Yeah.

Maybe, maybe. Put a tent over at Nephew Agility course. Yeah. Like, limbo. Yeah. Maybe you use it. Maybe you hang meat from it. You probably have to enclose it at some point in that way.

But what if you made it a feature instead of a problem? First of all, completely on board with that. Second of all, I would like to share with the group what your actual first suggestion was. And we have since discovered that this tree had a strain of, oh, this is where I got really mad. We thought lightning hit the tree because there was one side of it that was fresh, new, healthy-looking wood, and one side of it that was just black. And that's when we found out when the arborist came out, that it had a strain of undetectable fungus that looks like stranger things shit on the inside of a tree. It makes your veins all black and streaky. And when the tree guy said undetectable fungus, I got really mad.

because I was like, well, I should have been able to detect fungus. Like, I should have known this is true. I should be better. But when this initially happened, because it happened in the middle of a storm, we thought it was a lightning strike. And Ryan, your first suggestion was to try and create some sort of, I think your word was, frankentree situation. Yes, yes, yes.

Which I, to be clear, I am also on board with, except now that I know it is filled with Stranger Things Fungus, I am worried. Worried, but it's not a deal breaker. If we attempt the Franken Tree, we're creating some kind of tree Vecna situation. Yeah, last of us like zombie tree. I think it's kind of a, you know. I just wanted to bring this back to annihilation.

I think it's a necessary evil of sorts where you need the undetectable fungus to animate, to help animate the tree and give it an undying spirit that thirst for human blood. Yeah. like the thirst is a problem but properly directed could be useful yeah like your neighbor who keeps blowing leaves into your man what if you could send frank a tree after that neighbor i did have more than one thought about asking the tree crew who is outside right now dismantling the tree to just pile it up in front of this guy's front door and be like blow this He might try Hold on

Hold on I'm going to crank it to math He's just going to stand there Just pointing the leaf blower At the tree trunk segment Over enough time It will work Erosion will eventually On a long enough timeline

These are leaves fucko That's right That's not how trees work Don't at me The delusion of the blower cult The leaf blower cult is so powerful I think somebody would do that. Like, I don't know.

If it won't move with this, it won't move. Yeah. Like, if I understand this is a real thing that happens in the world and has happened recently. But there's probably somebody who's tried to stop a wildfire from getting onto their property with a leaf blower, right? Oh, 100%. I'll just blow the fire the other four-meeting. They're like, wins the problem, right? The wind brought it here.

Yeah. We'll counter wind. Yeah, this should, like on the character sheet, this should. should work. Yeah. Why are you dropping water on the fire? That's not going to do anything. No,

fire is on oxygen? Is fire a fire based Pokemon? Fire is weak to wind type, yes. That's right. Famously. This is just Pokemon math. It's, you ever,

you ever blown out a birthday candle? Is there a leaf blower Pokemon? Without question, there's a thousand of those things. Somewhere in there, yes. Wildly unpopular. Not in Georgia, dog. I think that my, there's definitely a leaf man, mega man.

So, leaf blow, man is surely his enemy. Anyway, a tree fell in the house. I'm fine. Everybody's fine. It's really annoying. It's good. Good to hear. It's good that it's annoying and not devastating.

But that's where I've been. I was just looking up Corey Booker's game log as a Stanford tight end. Yeah, as of this recording. Shoot, we should have just had him on. He, uh, yeah, we could, we could probably. We are taping the full cast. He produced four catches in a 1990 upset of number one Notre Dame back when Stanford was really bad. And that was about all he did, but still, he took down Notre Dame.

So for that, he served his country. And Cory Booker put in an okay effort for a losing team, huh? Okay. It's not the energy we need today. This is for work. Saying he did something, but it didn't matter. Okay. I'm going to stop following this parallel immediately.

Man, this was a bad Stanford team. Damn. Which is this? This is 1990, you said? Uh-oh. Jason has frozen. The pollen has taken, Jason. Yeah, the pollen.

It actually, that does look like an annihilation screen cap. Jason is now one with the forest. Oh, he's back. Okay. Yeah. Is he back? Or is the annihilation juice in that? Oh, no.

Which one is it? It rhymes. You'll never know. He's vomiting DVDs. Hard to say. They're all AOL-Free discs. So good. Welcome.

Wow. To the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast. I am Spencer Hall, joining you from this reality. Jason Kirk joining us from the annihilation realm, where he has been assimilated, rearranged, and perfected, some would say, by a quasi-demonic presence.

It's good rotoscoping. It is. He looks great. Holly Anderson. And on the ones and two's Michael Cerber. You have reader email from us, for us, Holly. Folks, you may remember last week if you haven't purged it completely from your brain pans. And if you have, congratulations. The introduction into the full cast extended universe of a three pound ridged gummy worm that was presented in an ad that was presented in an ad

that a number of people found visually upsetting. Set that aside for a moment. We have not a few ladies in our audience, and some of them find the show on their own, and some of them find their way in via their husband, their brother, their roommate, their boyfriend. And I appreciate all of you. Thank you for helping me balance the numbers, first of all.

But I really appreciate it, above all, when a lady comes in and heeds our long time, axiom that ladies is uncles too to the fullest possible extent in the real world i would like to tell you now of a story of the finest display of uncular behavior we have seen from a reader in service of the show earlier this week we got a message from lindsay who sent a photograph of her husband just waking up in bed he is shirtless he looks very sleepy and confused

and in the bed next to him is a giant neon orange and green and what looks to be sourcoded which is just going to leave all kinds of prums in the bed gummy worm

a la the horse head in the godfather can everybody see this in the chat regrettably yes as I told you separately this is a bed with black sheets and that really makes the worm pop it does have kind of a halo around it yeah I really am not comfortable with how much that

it's almost I it's almost as if you thought what is the best backdrop that is also a bed to highlight every inch of this so you heard Ryan Nanny if you want to I want to highlight every inch of that worm, have it pop on...

Coated in sour gummies. A black fetchie. Coated in sour sugar and put black sheets on the bed. Now, Tyler is a good sport and has submitted to subsequent photos with him wearing the gummy worm around his neck like a scarf. And taking Ryan's advice to eat it from the middle on a dinner plate. And I wrote to Lindsay to thank her for her service to the show. and I received a gift in return. She said, you know, thank you so much for,

she thanked us all for making, you know, her work days pass. And I said, oh, what do you do? And she said, oh, I'm a special ed teacher. And I said, oh, my mom worked in special ed. I, you know, thank you for what you do. I know that you have some long, hard days. I'm glad we can help them out with a little bit.

And she writes back, and she says, oh, yeah, one time a student bit my ear off. that's not the uncle part of the story the uncle part of the story is what she says next which is several hours an er trip and 19 stitches later i came back to work to show them i ain't no bitch sure lindsay we appreciate you we're so happy to have you as part of the community thank you for sharing your journey with us think about the bullshit baseball players will We'll say, oh, I can't go out there.

Like, we saw it on opening day. Oh, I got a scab. Opening day, I think Cleveland's starter was like, sorry, ate Chipotle yesterday. Now my tum-time hurts. There's an eyelash on my nose. Like, oh, no, I was clipping my toenails, and I pulled every muscle in my back somehow. My favorite, I ironed a shirt that I was wearing. Got two ears.

Got two ears, ain't you? That's right. Both your ears are still attached to your body as they were when you were born? Get out there. I held my brother tried to turn into a dolphin, and now my eyes don't work. My favorite was Kevin Mitchell, who was out due to chipping his tooth on a microwavable chocolate donut. What? Yeah.

Yeah. All this bullshit. He didn't thought out all the way. He couldn't wait. He pulled it out partially defrosted. And he chipped his tooth, and he missed time due to a dental procedure. Things that I have learned. There are microwavable donuts.

Everything is most rovable. That's also a number three hitter at the time. I know you don't. I'm not familiar with the concept. of frozen donuts. Do you know you don't need teeth for? Yeah. Playing baseball.

You don't need them at all. Shut up and get out there. Lizzie's losing body parts and go back to work. And your ass is like, oh, no, my smile's not perfect. I can't go out there. I asked my mom, I did ask my mom after I heard this story, what was? Because as far as I know, she has never, I do know teachers, elementary school teachers, who have had blood drawn on them.

by bidey students. And the human mouth is filthy, by the way. Correct. But I asked my mom, because I was pretty sure that she had never suffered that grievous an injury from a student, so I asked her what was the worst.

And she said, with a faraway look in her eyes, that it was the day she decided to stop counting the number of times a student had sneezed into her open mouth. Oh, sure. Imagine if you had asked your mom that question and she just popped her nose. nose off.

Oh, yeah, this hasn't been real your entire life. Knocked her eye out, right? Check this shit out. There's a goldfish in there. She would, too. Baseball players wouldn't last a week in a classroom. That's what I'm saying. No, no, that's why, yeah.

They are. That's why you can draft them straight out of high school. That's right. They are our dumbest athletes. Jesus, dude. I ate a staple. I have to lie down. Scratch.

I threw up. It is. I think baseball players, your sport is long and boring. It's fine. Some people, that is part of the value of baseball. This isn't baseball slander. If you don't want to play baseball that day, just say you don't want to play baseball.

There's more. There's so much more baseball. If you don't want to say that, you can make up an actually violent-sounding affliction that you've suffered. You can make up some horrible, thing that you are sparing everyone from. You don't have to say your toe hurts. My fridge came to life and I had to fight it.

Yeah. Again. Again. I deliver some pizza to turtles in a sewer and found myself sucked into a citywide conflict between an underground gang of ninjas and after-mentioned turtles. Yeah. Like if I'm a baseball player, I don't want to play today and they ask me why,

I'm just like there are things. that I'm protecting you from. Yeah. Right? Like if you don't want to see what happens if I go out there. Sure. Sure. See, there. Because baseball players are dumb.

They'd be like, oh man, maybe something really is happening. I heard that on Rogan. All of a sudden, you're the wise man of the dugout. Yeah. He's got access to the spirit world. Hey, Caden. What happens if you go in the outfield? Bro, I heard if Caden was in the outfield, we're all fucked.

Don't do it, man. It's like final destination But for her You better sit still man I'm gonna go bring you a sun kiss So you don't have to move She gets a little hanging out You caused a rift in death design

When you blew your nose All right My shift of fanning Caden is done Someone take the fan He can't move He can't move bro I do respect baseball deeply

For being the one sport That can really mimic the like Day end day out drudgery of an office More than any other sport Because you know like Football you show up for what You know, in the pros, 18 weekends, and that's where we see you. And you're never sitting in the same spot, just like killing time as the result of your poorly designed inefficient game.

But baseball, they're out there, 162 games, man. There's hang time. There's a lot of time to just sit there and do jack, nothing and get completely sick of each other. Yeah, why don't they have better dances? College teams, at least. This is made a banana still, I think. This is where I think college baseball is superior because they are clearly using their dugout time wisely, and it is to come up with

little skits. Well, I think we need to build, like, secondary goals into baseball games. Like, yes, the name of the game is, who has more runs? But, like, if you're an outfielder, and there were also, like, hidden resources that you could find in gather, let them find loot. Yeah, and it was

like, okay, yes, uh, the Mariners lost, however, they found four gold. Look at that. That's going to be useful for that with the trade. The Mariners have built up a lot of XP today. Yeah. ever get to use it to level up? No, they're the Mariners.

Thanks for immediately selecting the Mariners, who would be the likeliest to benefit. The Mariners do feel like, yeah. The Mariners are unlocking cosmetics. Right. And how does this start, by the way? Everybody's growing the grass real long. At the same time, the Mariners are the team

that A, have a player nickname Big Dumper, and B, have a promotion where during a game, Big Dumper will dump your significant other on the JumboTron if you request it. If you propose marriage at a Mariners game on the big screen, Big Dumber will shout. No. No, no.

Imagine having your heart snapped in two by Big Dumper. That's right. Now, and now Big Dumpers. Now back to building the longest road. Melting his heart out of a stadium is Big Dumpin. It's gone. So Jason will recognize the direction I'm going here. What of each team could pick a secret mission that they,

The other team did not really fully understand. Sure. But had to build up for like a, like they got five runs. Like you capture the flag. Or like in Yatsi when you're like, I need to get like a full house. Yeah. Yeah. Or you would get like, you're trying to shoot the moon.

Yeah. You could shoot the moon. You could hit for a cycle. You could throw five wild pitches without allowing a run. Right. And then when they catch on. I see what they're going to do. They're going for the wild pitch thing.

Put two catchers back there. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like can I get three players thrown out in an inning? You're like, wow, these guys seem really, really intent. Remain tranquil, whatever they say. And the thing is, the baseball rulebook has a lot of these laid out.

Like, baseball has a shit ton of rules and a shit ton of like, here's what happens. If you catch the ball in your hat, here's, that's a thing. That's the baseball says, this is what happens. So, like, why not use the rule book as a sort of Xbox achievement list? Yeah. Because, like, I mean, the beauty of baseball is the size of its spreadsheet. it's like our oldest pro sport and the one that is most constantly on

everything that can happen has happened everything and like you know okay sometimes there's a new record or whatever but it's a version of something that's already happened so Bartolo Colon has successfully hit a baseball everything that can happen that's right no that really should win the game for you that should be a golden sneech

if you're 260 pound like pitcher cranks one who can't keep his helmet on when he's swinging can't keep his helmet on because his head's so fat. Every sport should allow you to catch the ball. Every sport should allow you to catch the ball at a hat, by the way. So like you're losing 9-5 at the like bottom of the ninth. And they're like, that's ball game. And the other manager just comes up with the card, right?

Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. We hit into 10 double plays. We're betting it all on Bartolo. Yeah. You'd stick around for a, for a, for a baseball game. If you knew there was possibility of, Bartola Walkoff.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Number, you're like, why are they sending their third non-pitching player out to the mound this inning to pitch? Oh, their secret mission! Have three catchers throw significant pitches in an inning. We've already had a pitching catcher so far this season. It's like five days. Already?

Yeah. Baseball's fucking weird. Anything you can imagine is happening. Switch pitcher, that's the thing. Already done that. have rules about when the pitcher is allowed to switch which arm he's throwing with? Like, yeah, baseball is in many ways our most inventive sport. Everything happens.

The Braves are like 0 and 50 already somehow. It's an amazing sport. Yeah. I saw someone point out today, Braves are running so bad that players who are no longer on the Braves are being injured. Apparently something has happened to Freddie Freeman. Freddie Freeman got hurt, yes. Freddie Freeman.

Yeah. He just didn't want his friends to be alone. just wanted to get in on it. I miss Atlanta so much. I'm going to get injured. Been there. Been there. Yeah.

Same. What other rules should we import into other sports? Whoa. That's crazy. We were already on a natural on ramp, so I thought I would make it worse so that our audience would be a little more at home. Yeah. Our audience, like a weird.

I thought the entry might be too smooth. This might be too smooth an entry. Or if you want, I can break it up with one more reader email because we did get a doozy. Do that. That would be just a rhythmic enough. Okay. This is from Catherine. I am sad I was too busy to realize the music disasters thing was happening because my submission would have been.

And I'm sharing this because we don't usually accept disasters after the fact. But this is immaculately formatted. one year I sing with the local symphony orchestra one year for Valentine's Day the symphony programmed the concert opera Romeo and Juliet and during the prologue

a knife fight broke out in the audience that is all the information that has been provided and that is all the information that I personally require a better pack a better pack the slicer just in case

something goes down at the this is the community symphony at the community symphony you never know on valentine's day you know no that might explain it though doesn't it remind you that one nine one episode where a dude in an amazon warehouse peas on a robot that's trying to take his job and then as a result a direct result of the butterfly effective events from that one incident the la philharmonic loses its youngest cellist solo and program history? Yeah, just remember, it's official 911 canon

that you can kill someone with an ambulance. You can kill a cellist with an ambulance and still keep your job. Wasn't Hans' fault? Anyway, enough about 2019 Ryan Murphy television programs. Let's get into the college football podcast. Speaking of rules we can import.

That is right. The transfer window is open. I am going to demand. I'm going to call. for a referendum today that every other sport you're on notice we're just going to start stealing things from you okay because we're squirrels we're here to take your copper we're here to take your copper we're here to strip your wiring we're here to requisition whatever is good about your sport that we like we're just going to take because college football you know the united states ideally should be about making ourselves more perfect right college football's already perfect we would like to make it more perfect and how do you make things more perfect well the american thing you do is to just steal it to just steal it just take it that's what we're going to do why is plymouth rock still there because it's heavy we're not moving that shit it sucks someone else could do that job jason we've got some good birds today thanks welcome

back birds for for instance and i will i will start with the serious one the one that i actually like that we need is we need rugby officiating, rugby style officiating, because so much of what happens in football is this kind of, to use a word, we've already used accurately to be a rhythmic. We stop a play, we adjudicate it, we have these endless little tweaks of rules about penalties and when they're enforced and how they're enforced. And like, it drives me nuts in college basketball. It drives me nuts in college football. That we have this ever-growing body of rules. Not that rugby doesn't have rules, but rugby does a lot of its penalizing via warning and via a card system so that we don't just have something like targeting where

somebody is targeted and then they're out. They're out. Maybe we review it. Maybe we discuss a little bit, but they're out of the game. So much of what happens in rugby is either via the card system, which is a warning. You can get a yellow card. Love a yellow card. Yellow card's a great dramatic point in a game too, right? Feel like a little theater. Ref holds it up. Aha! Also, the ref is constantly sort of critiquing and judging plays as they happen and letting the players know about it to the point where they go, okay, listen, that was a little dirty bud. You might want to back that off. Or I know that wasn't intentional, but like if you keep doing that, I'm going to have to do that. I know that they do a bit of that.

But the way that football is structured sort of actively discourages that kind of ongoing communication. The ref is both powerless and then all of a sudden very powerful. and then on certain plays is powerless again and restricted either by the rule or by the way the game is laid out play by play let the refs just sort of have this ongoing I know this rugby's a game of flow and I want football to be more of a game of flow

whatever we can do to do that I would love to get us there but on the point of officiating I would love it if we not only had the guys miced all the time so we could hear that communication and so that every possible conspiracy theory that we get over the season like 90 to 95 percent of them would be cut down, but simply by the refs being might. But in addition to that,

give them greater leeway to just warn so that we can, and then let us hear that. Because if you watch rugby officiating, you watch a rugby match, it's an entirely different vibe. And it's one where ultimately the players feel, I think, more empowered to control the tone of the match. I think this could go like double or triple for college basketball, where I don't, where the rules are, which you say they are. Like, they're totally invented. But for college football, I think it would make things much better. There, that's my serious one. We need rugby, rugby style officiating in a lot of ways. I have a silly one. I love it. I'm borrowing this from tennis and volleyball. I need the head official to be sitting in a very tall chair during the game. Like a lifeguard. Yes, like a lifeguard

chair. And this is why, if you've watched tennis, especially, this doesn't happen in volleyball quite as much, just because, like, the vibe is different. But in tennis, especially in high-level tennis, this happens all the time. When we see a basketball or football official make a call that the players don't like or the coaches don't like, the players and coaches are usually,

they're almost always at least as tall, if not taller than the official. What I want to do is invert that because it's very funny in tennis to watch someone have to scream up. you always look like a child you always look like an enslaved serena yes yes

it doesn't matter who it is has to put her hands at her sides kick her head back and just yell straight up in the air stop your feet a little bit yes and yell at the knees of a grown adult who is wearing a weird little tweedledum costume yes yes who that adult doesn't have to get up they don't have to come down and talk to you

they stay in their seat and I think I think football officiating would be more delightful if and maybe this is just the review official the review official gets to sit in a big tall tall chair gets gets to have their setup already there with them and they get to announce yes holly were you going to say something were you raising your hand do they even have to i mean yes i just wanted to add just well i had a question in a comment really yeah sure go go for it which is the great thing about well the great thing

in some certain tennis outbursts um with players that you can probably guess is that the um Empires, oftentimes, if you're really fucking around, won't even look at you. Right. Which is great. They kind of get a, there's a visual separation that creates a sense of like, oh, I can't hear you all the way up here in Crumpetsvania. Second question is to, you know, you make the chain gang visible on the sidelines of a football game.

Would the referee in the super tall chair get some kind of special umbrella, perhaps like a frilly parasit? all. Sure. You could sell ad space on it, though. Yeah. I don't think there's any problem with, maybe it's a capsule that he sits in.

Yes, Jason, please, go ahead. I have a suggestion that this person who is always on this perch must be very short. I would like this to be a Lord Farquod figure. I would like Brian Kelly to be losing his fucking mind, screaming up at a tiny,

tiny, but very powerful person. The other reason I like this is that when you see a most of the time if you see a coach yelling at an official on the sideline the official is the one who walks away because they have to to keep doing their job but it creates this like imbalance of like oh look at this intimidation factor when you're yelling at the chair the chair ain't moving you're the one who has to walk away at some point and they get to stay the chair will not yield and that's why i want big tennis chair to be a part of every football match going forward you got dan campbell punching the chair it doesn't matter i'm going to bite the chair legs

chair does not hurt you will eventually hurt you will walk away dan camp yes holly i would further suggest that the chair in addition to having a perhaps a height cap for the chair umpire that the chair also be comically oversized like those giant lifeguard chairs you see on beaches that are yes especially if we pair that with jason's short ref and now it's just dangly feet the whole time. Yeah. Making a tiny ref look even. Can this ref be a child?

Like just an obstinate niece. Can we do middle school? Can we say middle school? Just like niece who thinks everything is funny. The Jets are being run by middle schoolers. Why can't the league be run by middle schoolers? That's true. I do have one counterposure.

Head umpire sassy niece in a giant chair. That's who you have to scream at. With ear pods. She's right. She's playing. She's playing on phone. She's not listening to Curry Smart. Or make it the largest child you can find.

The largest reddest child. Fruit Punchmouth child. Yeah, exactly. Make it that child who, I don't know if you remember. The World Cup was the Italian child who was smearing ice cream all over his face. That gift. That nasty kind of cough that only a kid can do. Make it the kid from bad Santa.

Let's go to sticky kid. Let's go to Sticky Child to see. the results of the replay. This child smells so bad that Kirby Smart has given up and is walking away.

The internet hates sticky child. Child who washed his feet a year ago. On accident in the pool. Oh, he's eaten candy corn

that he found on the chair it's not even October. Child somehow always has stuff to pull out of his nose. What I'm really getting to is an SEC scenario where we have the biggest, angriest-looking redneck as the replay official. And him coming down is like a big wrestling moment. They're like, we have appealed a replay.

And they're like, let's ask Big Lonnie. And he's playing it up. Big Entrance. Big entrance. He's Big Lonnie. And you're hearing my damn music. The crowd is chanting. Toby.

Toby. Toby. Here I come to Big Toby. My verdict is I was not. Talking in. Also, he's done this like three times this quarter. Yeah, yeah. The game is seven hours long.

All right. This is a great pipeline also for Judge Catfish's law clerks. Oh, 100% in both directions, really. Yeah. Now I want all refs to be really small except for Big Toby. So like if you give a ref a lot of shit, he's like, Don't make me call down Big Toby. Ooh.

It could be a flex designation like the, like, you know, the Thursday. night game sure i uh i also think one thing we need from rugby is we need to go and recruit rugby half scrums because i was like man what do we want for rugby we want the big guys i'm like that's obvious there's usually a half scrum who's like 59 170 pounds and his job on the team uh usually self-appointed because that's not his assignment but there's usually one five eight five nine half scrum at about 170 who really enjoys tackling 315 pound men and is really good at it. There's usually one corgi out there trying to hurt all of the bulls.

And that is one, like, guy that I really want to see in the back field. Actually, kind of makes football sense because most people play out of a base nickel now. So you could just put like a little 5-9-170-pound guy there, have yourself a little Bob Sanders, and watch him, like, absolutely annihilate guys who are nearly twice as size. That's a good plan. I like it. Also, he'll get to play with the helmet. He doesn't get to do that in rugby.

Get to play with a helmet? Mate. That's amazing. Listen, we didn't say you could do voices. I'm doing a voice. We didn't say... We're adopting voices from other leagues, right? You can do big Toby and that's it.

Also, all rugby players are from New Zealand. That's correct. Yes. It's a solid bet. If you got to throw a dark, buddy. And we got to throw darts, to be clear. So from them and darts, we're importing the ability to throw sharp objects. balls are darts now

from darts we really Oceans or battlefields balls or darts From darts we really just need to take the crowd The extremely eight beers drunk crowd That cheers at everything That's what we need to take Because if you want to know supportive crowds The two that I've come around on most recently

Darts Where the minute a dart goes The minute a guy gets a dart Everybody starts throwing beer in the air Like it's an old Miss baseball game It's great And then the second thing I've come around on on like audiences, not that I was against them, but like figure skating audiences,

supportive, warm, enthusiastic, knowledgeable. Like, that's what we need. If you want to import something from there, the supporters section is fantastic. I think in general it would be good if, so you have a football crowd. You have home, the home fans might have most of them. The visiting fans are over here in the corner. Student sections are going the craziest. Let's reserve another section for neutral fans, those who like figure skating.

or, you know, golf. A golf crowd is just into everything. Like, they're drunk. Like, somebody finally did something. Yeah. Like, just someone who watches football with the mind for, I love yelling at stuff. Shit happened.

That's awesome. Like paid mourners. The effect of social media, if you could get, like, I'm not a fan of these teams. I don't care who wins. I just like watching shit. Get that in real life.

It's good for that. Can we do the exchange program where we have an entire section that's just reserved for, it's just reserved for people in their first college football game from out of the country. Each stadium will have a teleport zone

that will swap places with another stadium and you won't know which game you'll end up at. You'll just be cheering for shit. Look at that. Via tubes. An underground network of tubes. This also means we could just get a bunch of rowdy Turkish soccer fans

showing up in Arkansas. Yeah, we could expand. You thought you guys ripped stadiums seats out of the concrete to hit each other with them. let's meet spartak Moscow with like SEC fans

that are like we're at craziest sports fans on earth but you're not but you don't even know which end of a road flared a line you don't really know

what you're talking about well one time I got into a fight in the stands have you ever gotten into a fight at a wheelchair basketball game

Turkish fans have have you ever started a fire in the stands yeah have you ever used cigarette yeah have you ever used your team

Facebook page to organize an anarchist protest of the government Turkish fans have I do think we should be encouraging SEC fans to do that I bet oh man you'd really own if we did that it's an Arkansas key

Anarchan shit and hmm texting We'll pick anarchy I'll workshop it How did the forecast get sedition charges Nobody would ask that question These days, I don't think that's going to be that hard.

I don't think that's hard at all. Specter has a tattoo. That's it. We're not fully worried. I'm going. The other thing I wanted to take, by the way, from speaking of Turkey, I think they're the only people who have a stadium that's the shape of the mascot, and I think it's bullshit that we don't do that more often, especially given how obvious shaped a lot of

people's mascots are. I was just going to say Syracuse. Why isn't it a big orange? It kind of is. It's close. It's just not orange. It's not ventilated. It's circular.

A couple of cups. coats of paint and we've solved the problem and given you a branding identity done because bursusbore bursusbore has that sounds like a plant disease you're making this up what is this well bursusbore is this annihilation also bursusbore it's got what plants crave yeah uh bursusbore is a turkish soccer uh conglomerate and they have a stadium that is shaped like Like an alligator. It sounds like a fungus you get in your knees. Yeah.

It is also the coolest stadium in the universe. Wow. Because, yeah. Looking this thing up. Oh, you were kidding. It looks like an, it looks like an inner tube. Yeah, except it's got an alligator head as the complex. Is that inflatable?

It's the world's largest waves at the beach. Yeah. They got all kinds of. It's like a cabana. Oh, it's got an open mouth. Look at it. Yes. It is the It's got glaucoma too. That's totally

fitting. Yeah, it is. I'm blind and I'm hot. Coke haters. That is the coolest stadium in the world because it is the only stadium that is shaped like the actual mascot of the team itself. And there's no reason we shouldn't have

more of that in college football because I'm not saying everyone can do it. Though I do think the idea of a hog-shaped stadium is a fascinating architectural project. Well, I think, based on looking at the Orabora Gator, all you really got to do is have a face. Sure. So, like, have this.

Just put this wrap around Arkansas Stadium with pig face on it. Boom, done. Yeah. It's a coiled pig. At the very least, Purdue should stretch a cover over their stadium and turn the stadium into the world's biggest drum. Yeah. And finally, they would have the world.

Finally. But then they're going to have to cross it off the drum. Ryan, failing the drum, why not turn it into a tree? train. It would not be hard to put a train silhouette on that whole stadium. Also, if you put that covering over Purdue Stadium, no one will have to see what Purdue is doing on the field. That would be better for, I'm on Purdue side here. I want to help them get out of having to be seen playing football. You're welcome. The do not perceive team. Do not perceive. If Purdue could cash big 10 checks without having to play football, listen, I'm on Purdue side. Yeah, when you put it like

that you could probably turn otson stadium into like a duck silhouette from above pretty easily i don't think it'd be hard yeah they'd be the most creative about it yeah yeah why ohio state hasn't just made it like like buck eyed welcome to the nut welcome to the oh come on welcome you're in the fucking nut welcome to the big nut i'm big nut come on like those like those family guide shows would and absolutely chug that up. Whatever that was. Folks, you can reach Spencer at 404. Nope, no, nope, nope, nope, they'll do it.

They might be doing it right now. Yeah, but come on. Like, like, like those, like those low middle brow slop eating hogs. Jesus Christ. Wouldn't just chug that up. Is this a bad time to transition to podcast business? Bird nut, it's the bear gun. It's like jizzing.

What's a big stadiums? If you're wondering where in the show's server first took his glasses off and disgust. Right. Today's recording, we almost made it to the hour mark. That wasn't discussed. I was just making sure I was awake. That wasn't a dream. Arousal.

Server took his glasses off. Boi-oy. The eye noises Those were to be clear He just pinged them across the room For the love of Christ Please sing the podcast business music Spencer gave our producer

A weird boner. Here's sports. Who knows what Spencer's about to sing It could be Podcast business What's a business? Podcast business It's a business Podcast business

I don't like Ohio State Okay I'm sorry that I have to... Charity Bulls coming up. Yes. I was going to start us out with Homefield to cushion the blow with the soft, comfortable

feeling. Only the Tulane hoodie can cushion me now, brother. Boy. You know, sometimes the shutdown forecast is a hard listen. A soft garment you can put on your body during that is available

at Homefield.com. Sometimes you get hard. Sometimes you get hard. watching Socario too. I'm going to laugh all day at Spencer saying, Jizzin! Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

One of the greatest things about the shirts, joggers, and the business partnership that we derive from it. Jackets, hats, socks, everything paid to say this right now. All of the things that home field apparel offers you, they don't talk. They can't say terrible things

that your brain has to listen to. They don't do voices. They don't do voices. They are not, the goblin's helmet. They don't. No. They will not dare you to nickname Saneh. They will not get distracted on weird tangents about how dentistry is a scam.

They won't do any of that. They'll just be quiet. Nope, they'll just be quiet and stay in your closet or your dresser or wherever you keep your clothes. Are they also incredibly good looking and comfortable? Yes. but they're quiet. They don't say shit. And that's why you should use

offer code fullcast to get 20% off your first order at homefield apparel.com. Homefield apparel. The clothes don't talk. That's good. But the outfit speaks for itself. Nice.

That is good. Damn. Nice. Wow. Wow. Still got it. I'm really good at business. That's why we're about to do

this next ad read. Who's today's show brought to you by, Spencer? That's right. It's brought to you by... That's right. That's right. is the best place to get real money sports action. That's right, prize picks.

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went up to 1,000 times your cash you can run your game all season long on prize picks what season are we talking about that's right it's springtime we're the trees jizz that's right it's here and baseball season is officially underway to miss your chance to add you your favorite players from the diamond in your prize picks lineup whether it's strikeouts RBI or first inning runs take your pick of more or less for your shot to win I love all those baseball words

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thanks Ryan I love the sound of it okay uh Holly how do we transition out of this into merch well Ryan you said the word you said the magic word

I did you're right folks happy day after National Trans Day of Visibility although you may not be audible on this program you are very much visible to us on Tuesdays Mondays Wednesdays and other days

we love you dearly and we are super psyched to report that your community has been up to a spectacular amount of do-goodery. If you have listened to the past two or three episodes, you may have heard about our merch madness promotion, which is not me saying a basketball term while having a stroke.

It is a promotion that we have been running to support three fine transgender support organizations. These are the Transgender Law Center, the Translifeline and Point of Pride. every dollar that we made from our merch store in March during the run of this is being divided equally and sent to these three organizations. And our grand total just happens to be divisible by three because the market makes no mistakes and you are all beautiful. $7,297.67.62 cents worth of merch. Sorry, I've almost said worth of merch is being donated. We're not sending merch to these organizations. They are working hard enough as it is and they don't need us to make their day harder. We are sending them money. That is $2,432 and 54 cents going to each of these three organizations. And that's, That's not all. You may have seen that we debuted some new PTKU merchandise during this promotion to promote

protect Transkids University, the finest imaginary institution of higher learning ever created to protect a very real population with a giant scary mascot in the form of a blue shark, and we wanted to keep this rolling. We do occasionally have to make some money from our merch store to do things like, pay our producers and pay the people that we pay to do our taxes because holy shit, if you think we're bad at podcasting, you should see us trying to make a K1. What we have decided to do instead is to keep the PTQU love flowing year round. From this moment, we will not be keeping a single cent that we make off of the sale of PTQU merch. We will be donating these to a

rotating series of regional and local orgs. We had some national orgs promoted in this last promotion. I'm a professional writer. And we are going to start spreading that love around the country. If you have a regional or local org that you would like to submit for consideration, we're going to be changing these out quarterly. You can submit those for consideration to our Gmail address, which I promise we'll read this time that shut down fullcast at gmail.com.

And to accompany that, we are also going to be introducing every quarter when we change it up a brand new piece of PTKU merch. So four chances a year to score brand new PTKU merch and have the money donated to a trans-supp organization that is regionally or locally beloved by our community members and the chance all year round to show your support for the mighty blue sharks. Thank you for listening to me for talking. I don't actually like talking for this long. Some of that was sentences. We love you guys. Any other podcast business we should attend to? Guys as and dudes.

Before Spencer says more horrifying things. I just want to note last week when I, the sports movies as movies thing, obviously that was inspired in part by the podcast, big screen sports, which a number of us have been on. Great show. They've talked about a bunch of movies that are good and or bad.

Even my wife has been a guest on that show to talk about the cutting edge. Lovely. So, be late. A shout out to them. Jason, you didn't invent movies, and also you didn't say that on the show. Actually, Jason did invent movies. Oh, cool. What's the deal with that one where the train looks like it's coming out of the screen, man?

That's fucked up. It will be revealed, too, at a time. Cool. Thank you. It's bold of you to do that when there are other problems in the world, Jason. Charity Bowl starts April 14th. That is the end of podcast business. Okay.

Podcast business. Was that coherent? Very. Okay. In a forecast way. Oh, Jesus. That bad. Okay.

I mean, maybe we trim a word or two. Wait, let me change. We're going to keep explaining it. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. We will repeat. That is how we will.

Should I have written something down? Probably. Lee. Why didn't you write something down? Fucking tree fell on the house. It's fine. It's great. Cool. All right. Anyway, back to Spencer's train of thought. Yeah, which is going nowhere.

What fresh horrors await. It's going to Nuttown! Going to meet it the big nut. All right. I'll take a wildlife hit. Because when you said we are pulling elements from other sports and inserting them into college football, I had one thought and one thought. only, which is throwing live catfish onto the field of play. Hmm. Yeah.

Like, why doesn't? Could be squid. I would prefer catfish. Like, so, so I think, first of all, Texas fans can tell you, we do throw things onto the field of play. So can Tennessee fans, although it's not as efficiently as Texas fans, because we're not as good. I think what you're suggesting is that we do this. as hockey does in a celebratory way

and not in a, I have some big feelings I need to work out kind of way. I feel that even if it, I feel that even if it starts that way, there's really no way to fence in where it stops. But, you know,

Neeland Stadium is right there, right there next to the river, man. Let's drag up some carp and see where the night takes us. Okay. I think it's worthwhile. I think there should be, I think there should be, um,

I think there should, be in accordance with fish and wildlife, there should be a minimum size in order to bring into the stadium. I don't want you like winging a kipper onto the field. Nobody wants to get hit in the head with a sardine. Yeah. I mean, and also it has to be good on television. Got to be a 12-inch fish. There's a real lack of effort in just opening a can of sardines and throwing it out of the field. Yeah, no. This has to be something. You have to bring your own. What is the, what would we say as the college football equivalent of a hat trick? Like the thing that in theory would trigger you to say, okay, it's time to throw him a catfish. Uh, kicking a field goal where it hits

both uprights and the crossbar. Okay. Okay. Whether it goes in or not. Would it need to be more common than that if it's like hat tricky? Hmm. Yeah, because you don't want to waste the seafood. Would any, would any doink work? Would any doink work? Would any three field goal day work? Okay. For you're just on pens and needles waiting for the third. It could. In the interest of throwing as many fish on the field as I can. What's if it's to discourage coaches from icing a kicker? Like if he ices a kicker, you can throw fish at him.

What if it's every field goal, successful or fish goal? Fish goal. What if you can bean the football out of the sky with the aquatic object? Yeah. Remember, I was like very, I was very into this last year? game it was during a snow game you said this right yeah yeah i was uh and that's when i discovered that there have been people who have come very close thank you philadelphia uh to hitting a field goal in progress with a snowball and knocking it out of the air yeah i'm pretty sure bills fans have tried

this like i'm oh yeah pretty sure i assume bills fans throw deldos they feel cool so there is footage and we know a lot about those after last week oh god i forgot to talk i forgot to you guys the other thing that happened oh boy we posted the cummy dildo ad yeah um The ad was for gummy worms that looked like dildos, not us selling gummy dildos. But we did get a response almost immediately from a guy who was like, hey, I make sex toys and I actually did make one of those. And I wish that there were as many of this guy

as they were of like t-shirt drop shippers. Like every time you mention, every time you mention a key phrase, you get five or six bot beneath. It's like, would you like to put that inside you? Here you go. Sure, sure. I see you're talking about Dell computers. Would you like a del commuter sex toy?

Would you like a delto? Yeah. Dude, you're getting a del dog. Oh. Thank you, whatever your name. Also, his avatar was towed. So it really just felt like a convergence of multiple streams of fate. Available RAM exceeded.

Wow. Spencer, can you give us your NBA request? Let's definitely have the microphone back to Spencer at this time. I'm going to try to direct him here. What is the thing you want to steal from the NBA? I want to steal red panda. Yeah. We need red panda.

Our grass? She's already like an ACC figure, I think. So this feels, this feels valid, I think. I'm worried about the terrain. She can handle anything. Or maybe she could climb up on the lifeguard chair. Red panda down the hill at Clemson. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. I need it. Holy shit. There's the vision. Serber you may Free more national championships Serber that may be the first

positive instance of Clemson fanfic we've ever had on this show Sorry No thank you This is a new frontier I didn't mean to do that to y'all Can I give you a dopamine hit that you really want though Imagine the interview with after she does that

The interview besides like I'll go away to dabbo No Michael's already there He's already there Imagine the hit when he's like Everybody look sun's shining tigers are out here all these great fans here red pandas here god is good what it would he say red pander that's red panders here god is good that's that's what i want

oh man it'd have to be a red panda orange panda good great great plan he would develop a childlike fascination with red panda on par of other red panda appreciators would be like just see her she's amazing she could flip all those bowls You see that adversity that she brought upon herself and then conquered? She's a one-woman loop of fate. Red Panda can kick eight bowls under her dang head. You can't kick a 28-yard field goal? The heck's going off, son.

Coach, can we go into the locker room to discuss halftime adjustments? Absolutely not. No. Keep your eyes on red fucking panda. That's what you're going to do. Two or three stray Herb Street children that he's making watch Red Pandy. He's like, I got to tell you, boys, this is about your ceiling. You see that?

She focuses on her assignment. That's what I want you to do. Life is like riding a unicycle. It's crazy and keeping balance is hard. But you just got to keep catching bowls. That's it. Sometimes you kind of can't see where you're headed and you feel like I'm going back and forth

and ultimately I'm getting nowhere. I might take Mike Breen. I might take Mike Breen with me. But if I got to take one thing, we've already got the dude from Charlotte on select games. Benetti, yeah. A fine import. calling the uh the missed field goal yeah yes

clang clang clang clang went the trolley um i have something i would like to steal from my only objection is that it's not christmas time so i can't think about that movie you always object to the fact that it's not christmas time you little elf i like when you say holly about or sorry about things i don't even know what they are i have a thing i would like to steal from baseball i was just sorry for singing in general I would like to steal stadiums and fields of various sizes.

I think this would have great application in football. I think many times football is a war strategy game where you're thinking about field position, you're thinking about how you're going to plan your movements and things like that. And I think at first it would be very uncomfortable, but it opens up a lot of fun if you say, okay, this week we are playing on a field that is 10 yards narrower than we're used to

and 40 yards deeper. You're right, because if next, yeah. Now, I just say, if this really is a war game, if this really is a game of strategy, then let's get up in Kempchakha and see what's good. Yes, yes. I think like baseball, there are some things we've got to keep probably the same.

Like, let's say end zones are the same size. End zones can be the same size. Looking at you, Wrigley. Sure. Wait, so we can solve the Wrigley field problem. forever by making the field shorter than a hundred yards and have a normal ass in zone. And you'd just be like, this is a normal thing we do in college football. It's just sort of like, here's the skinny part of the field.

Oh man, Northwestern could keep their good stadium. Yes, yes. And it would add a level of like gamesmanship because think about how many. It would add math, which is a terrible problem. Think about how many math and strategy nerds at colleges will be like, I've got it. This is the exact stadium we should build for our style of football that will make other, teams crazy. If you knew you were like, we have a real run heavy offense and you're like, shit, it's

180 yard field. That's a lot of field. That's a lot of running we will have to do. I think that is valuable because it would change what you have to do on a week to week basis. And I don't know. I just think it would be a lot of fun if every field was different in its own way. I want the really wide one so that you can just throw a zillion bubble screens in the first half and gas the defense.

Sure. Do you know the other really fun thing about really wide field? Yeah, you're going to have a bunch of GAs who have to stay up all night trying to do proportional math, trying to do fractions. Think about trying to run a two-minute... For $6,000 a year. Think about trying to run two-minute drill at a real wide field where you're like, fuck, getting out of bounds is a journey. It takes so long for me to get out of bounds. We ran out the clock running sideways.

Yes. Get there. 100%. Oh, we're getting into the... remember this was the foundation of what would become the Tebow Chronicles. Sure. Yes. This is how it started.

Many of my good ideas are unintentionally stolen from John. No, no, no. This was like, this is, but like before the Tebow Chronicles were the Tebow Chronicles, this was a very similar discussion to this was the kernel that germinated that of what if you could play football out of the stadium and just keep going. Yeah, right, right. Although the super deep end zone is amazing. to me, too, because you could run like a legit post pattern in a deep end zone.

I can't guard a 20-yard end zone. That's the point. That's the nightmare. That's why we like it. Yeah. Multi-ball. I love that. That's kind of NFL-ish of the things I'd steal from the NFL.

I would 100% steal Kevin Harlan. Like, I'm going to take Kevin Harlan. Kevin Harlan's like the greatest announcer on the planet. He's amazing. I've watched him call two games at one. once and he calls every game like it's the end of the world Kevin Harlow you're over like college basketball already it's close enough sorry to college world so slide them on over yep I think so I started thinking about this pretty like right when we press record and then I just

stopped thinking about it and what I thought about it in that moment in that split second was um like e-sports I guess where there's just constant fucking bitching about like this uh character faction blah blah whatever is O.P. Too powerful. They need to be Nerfed, which basically means I lost to them. And college football already has that, but what if there isn't actually, it actually happened? If you whine hard enough, then

whoever you lost to loses like, um, whatever strength or damage or whatever. Um, and like, yeah, it, it would basically just be a system that's, um, actually applying all the crying and bitching. And it would actually work out how college football does right now.

where like whoever does the least complaining is the one that gets you know damn why did ken state get nerfed because you know which like kind of already happened so far this off season like hey they don't have a coach oh okay well you know and like Purdue they got nerfed they lost like a million guys in the portal did they even have a million guys i don't think so so yeah i guess maybe what i'm saying is we should just like formalize the thing that already happens yeah we have proof of concept and we have several successful execural successful they happen to executions, so. I think there's a way to put this into practice, too.

Like, maybe it's, maybe it's player-based. Like, if you had said, okay, Boise State last year, every time you have Ashton Genty on the field, whatever the down and distance was, we're adding three yards. So if Ashton Jentee's out there on first and ten, it's first and 13.

If he's not out there, it's first and 10. And that's how you can sort of nerve it. Be like, yes, you have superior firepower in this one place, and this is how we're counterbalancing that to try to get everything somewhat equal. This is maybe too much, this is maybe edging towards bringing figure skating into things, but are we walking up to the edge of a scenario here

where our often wished for rule of, if it is super cool, it counts? It should work, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that catch was so cool that it should have counted. I think that's, yeah, they're so cool. It feels like we're at least,

in the neighborhood of this. Either that or you... Like adding a figure skating based artistic merit to the score. Here's why I like that. I'm going to assume that that is a new category of replay review. Right now we have replay to either confirm

or deny a call that was made on the field. But if you add... If you add... If you added a third category of was or was not too cool, it would be very satisfying to hear people get mad at a ref because they said

the call on the field is, the call of incomplete is confirmed and the catch was not cool enough to override it. The visceral angered that would result. It was a catch, but it was not cool. It was not cool.

Catch was whack. That catch sucked. Yeah. I think that would add a real good emotional flavor to the game. There are certain, there are certain fan bases Auburn who would get mader anything if you allowed a play to stand in their favor, but then said that it was not cool. That it was not cool.

The other thing I like about this is the football rulebook is written to be objective, impossibly so. You have now added an element that is inherently subjective and unapologetic in that regard. Like there is no way to put in the rule book like, this is what's cool, this is what's not. it's just whatever you feel like and we're back to this it's like pornography we know it when we see it we would also take a lot more interest

in referees and their personalities going forward I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but if nothing else it might assist us with navigating throughout this new landscape because you know we have had I know we talked about this a couple times

throughout the year we have had so many officials at the college level retiring or shuffled around due to conference realignment that you know you don't necessarily there were there were many weeks when I turned on a major game this season and they would cut to the crew and I'd be like who's that oh wait but if big toby is the one deciding if it's cool or not now I've been great arbiter big to be sitting up in his tall chair gets to his with his sticky mouth gets to design if that was cool or not nobody's going to say shit they'd just all be doing like roblox

dances. That's it. Like, Toby scores Roblox dances very, very high. The hesitance of a thousand generations in my heart. Are there Roblox dances? Yeah, the little Lego Man dance. Okay. Oh, boy.

Every game has dances. Like, it costs $5 somehow. Not your guy does dances. I was going to age myself by being like, oh, yeah, a Fortnite dance. And I'm like, that's elderly talk. I'm doing a New York Times crossword dance right now. Do, do, do, do, do do do do. oh man that would be cool if a band would just play that lick after they like after a review or something

because you know like some of them play the jeopardy theme whatever sir like northwestern here's something else you can do i did ask uh followers on blue sky whether they had seen that or heard that go off in court in the answer was yeah the the crossword noise oh wow to which to which when it went off the judge unflappable said congratulations and just caught and proceeded to look along. Congratulations on completing your crossword.

Let us proceed with our criminal procedure today. I love the idea of a subjective element because it's extremely extremely chaotic. On a like real note,

NFL pace of play, it'd be nice. It'd be nice. I'm not Michael Felder, but I am closer to. That we, just keep things moving as fast as we can and they're moving towards that

like we are although with like surprisingly ineffective if you look at the amount of time that all are they? No but like all of the clock initiatives have succeeded and they're like the game is now seven minutes faster which

it's not going to cut it. The broadcast window is no shorter and we have added 37 ads. There's also that yes but in general NFL pace of play, love it. That's, I think F1 is completely ruined me for that because they're like, whoa, we're never going over three hours. That's against the rules.

We are leaving and going back to our houses in the south of France if you make us do that. So yeah, pace of play. Keep it going. Oh, wait. You just gave me an idea I wanted to import from reality television, which is all the officials of college football live together in a big brother house for the entire season. And we watched. They don't? Oh, I'm sorry you had to find.

out this way, buddy. I want to maybe generate some homegrown Montoya moments. Dabo, how was your day at work? Red Panda was there. It was amazing. She's so inspirational. So inspired.

I do also, I was thinking about, oh, can we bring anything over from F1? And the answer is, more corrupt Italians. That's it. Like, Flavio Bertoria was who I was thinking of. We should bring somebody over there. were like, in the coaching section, it would be scandals. And instead of recruiting, it would be like, fleece the Italian government for millions when

he was working at Benetton building bridges. Did Benetton have construction contracts with the Italian government at one point? So glad you asked, they did. Tommy DeVito's agent could sit. It could seemlessly here, absolutely. If you were like, wow, he's the new athletic director at Stanford? Yeah, yeah, he is. Get comfortable with it.

Is Anthony Cole Andrea still eligible? I can't remember. He's like a junior now, right? I think he still has time left. I think he's at Virginia, isn't he? Still? I will have to look. I don't know where our guy has.

He got hurt. There was some confluence of events under which he was not starting. I forget if he was hurt or got beat. No, didn't he get beat by their freshman? Yeah, their freshman's really good. Like, much in the same way that he himself burst on the scene. Yeah, there we go. He's with Dan Mullen at UNLV.

That's going to be so much fun. Holy shit. Nothing but good choices. Dude, no, I'm serious. I cannot wait to watch that. I have no this is this is a completely

unironic excitement for you and LV next year that's going to be weird Dan Bolin I need you to be thinking about ball security Anthony Colandrea

just birds just bird sounds in that beautiful head of his love it it's going to be fantastic but that's it really like Flavia Bertori your boosters

you think your boosters are flamboyant and corrupt let me introduce you to flamboyant and corrupt boosters on a level you cannot possibly comprehend. He should be with like Kentucky football. I like the bluegrass. We should bring back smoking indoors.

What sport is that from? Italy. The sport of Italy.