Shutdown Fullcast - Welcome! To Your First Shutdown Fullcast

Episode Date: August 23, 2019

Congratulations! You have decided to start listening to the Shutdown Fullcast, the world's only college football podcast. This episode is designed to help you understand the accumulated lore, riffs, and nonsense that make up the fabric of this show, but because it was designed by the hosts, it may not prove to be very helpful. If you are here because of a friend who recommended the show, please tell them thanks from us. If you are here because of a friend who has pranked you, please tell them thanks from us anyways. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. This is the internet's only college football podcast. If the meaning of that phrase escapes you, if you have questions about why we start the podcast the same damn way every single time, and then someone ruins it, that person usually being me, if you have any kind of queries or need explanation about anything, typically. this podcast will not offer it. We don't explain the plot, ever, except today. Today is a special day. Why today, Papa? Because today is the FAQ episode.

What else happened today, Papa? Oh, perhaps we should, before we do anything, cover podcast business. It's not time for that yet. It's not time for that yet. It's not time for that? Nope, hang on. Rob, we just talked about this. Two, one, and go.

Hi, I'm Ryan Nanny. If we're going to do an FAQ episode, I suppose we should each introduce ourselves, which Spencer failed to do a good job. Hey, Ryan, where do you work? I work at Banner Society, which is a, we're calling it a college football internet.

And what that means is that we exist in multiple forms. We have a website, we have a Twitch stream, we have a Twitter page, and Instagram page. We have a TikTok that, as of this recording, we haven't done anything with yet. Yes, I have. Oh. Oh, God. Sorry. We have. We have, we do live shows. We have, and I will say it on this podcast, and only this podcast. Another college football podcast, podcast ain't played nobody, hosted by Stephen Godfrey. It's very good. You should listen to it. We have a newsletter, the read option. You should go find that and sign up for it. We do a little bit of everything, and we try to do it in a way

that reflects that college football is meant to be a social thing, a thing you do. Time's up. All right. So now we're on to a general roll call in history and explain what this episode is. We have about 60 items that we gathered from our listeners via our Twitter, shut down forecast Twitter, that is, and Reddit, and the TV tropes page about us. That's how you know we're king shit on the internet. We have a TV tropes page and our iTunes reviews.

Go leave one. So we gathered about 60 things. we're going to spend about roughly one minute on each of them as best we can. I am Jason Kirk. I assembled the spreadsheet. We are also joined today by Spencer and Ryan, as well as Holly Anderson. How are you today, Holly? I've been better, but not much.

Excellent. That is the perfect shutdown full cast mindset. We have 17 more seconds for this block. I'm going to hit this is our rule. When we run out of things to say, we hit random on Wikipedia. What it brings up is Vieti is a surname. Notable people. Notable people with the last name include

Teresa Vietti, an American oncologist. Spectacular. We are now on to the next block. Shutdown Fullback is a thing people often ask about. Spencer, what was that? Shut down Fullback was a YouTube series starring yours truly and Jason Kirk. It focused on college football loosely, but also involved, among other things,

wearing mascot heads, some extremely, overpriced production values at one point there was a wrestling match I don't really remember why we had that but we had a wrestling match at one point live the true value at this point of the shutdown fullback is to see what Jason and Spencer used to look like

we were so young we looked so shiny and happy I don't know what the fuck went wrong age son also the set had a southern miss to the top bumper sticker so one day and 2013 Spencer said hey let's start a podcast with that name and MS Paint cast over it Adam Jacoby was part and then Ryan was part now Holly's part that's all our time moving on

the world's only college football podcasts is what we call ourselves why do we do this because it's true there you have absolutely true you can't prove it's not I will now hit random on Wikipedia the I thought Vietti was that ice cream lasagna that's Viannetta uh oh this is a good one all right the Anas the Thetis. I butchered that word, but it is a genus of beetle. In fact, it is a genus of Longhorn Beetle. We found the Big Cow Beetle, y'all.

A beetle's going nine and three? It is common in Europe. Also like Texas. It's orange. It's got big old orange longhorns. Aggies can't handle this beetle. We found a Texas beetle? Uh, let's say random again.

All that. Archer Syrick is a professional Ukrainian football striker. Shout out to him. All right. Next, we have, uh, we don't tell jokes on this podcast. Is that accurate? Yeah, not once. We don't make anything up.

Generally, if you hear the most outrageous thing coming out of one of our mouths, it is completely true. Or it's about to become true because we have the power and we've proven this over many occasions to speak these things into existence. Fear us. The most notable example of this to date is, is how we, it's a long story, and too long for the 60 seconds here, but we accidentally spoke into existence, President Donald Trump's penis being compared to Toad from the Mario

universe. Accident. Accident. Hatme. That's another, that's another thing. So what we found is the funniest thing about college football and its surrounding atmosphere is that just saying things exactly as they are is the funniest possible thing you can say, you know, just describing exactly, you know, why Notre Dame is thought of as so

important is the funniest thing in the world. You don't even need to make jokes about Notre Dame. One thing we do need to make jokes about is our unusual audio. This has been a long, long struggle of ours, and sometimes not even that much of a struggle. Many people ask about my audio. I am sitting in a backyard because for some reason I sound better. It's actually true. I'm most excited about this when there are storms or large military airplanes otherwise it's just ambience people also had a lot of questions about holly playing nintendo and holly's cat do i have to explain those now uh i don't know how much explanation is really needed do we have time left holly plays nintendo and has a cat holly you have 22 seconds should you choose to use them uh i used to play

nintendo during this show but now i do it for work so i don't do that anymore i also have a cat who believes that not only is Spencer a cat, but that Spencer is his cat. Spencer does not like cats, which makes this relationship all the more joyful to me. And the cat frequently attempts to invade the shutdown full cast recordings because Spencer won't pay attention to him while we're on the year. Usually by walking up and looking at me and going, ow! Excellent. It's time to discuss the Charity Bowl, Spencer's tattoos, and the Michigan Money Canon. Spencer and Holly?

The Charity Bowl was started, I believe, in 2010. if not maybe 2011, it has always been a team-themed fundraiser where people contribute donations to what is now called New American Pathways, a refugee service organization, and resettlement agency here in Atlanta, Georgia. Spencer used to work there, was working there when he founded EDSPS, so it's very close to all of our hearts. Yep, we've raised at this point, I believe, over $350,000, close to $400,000 in total money for them. And by we, I mean, our listeners and our readers on various websites and

followers on social media. So, hey, thank you for that. I've gotten two tattoos as a result of losing bets. Those have both been school-themed. Both of them have been Michigan, which is why I have a Wolverine on one shoulder, wearing a top hat and a monocle. And on the other shoulder, I have Totoro from Miyazaki's, my friend Totoro, with a Michigan M on his belly. The 40 for 40. Oh, God, I'm already exhausted as we get into the 40 for 40. The 40 is an ill-advised decision we make every year to preview each and every college football game. Although we do it with one rule in mind, each bowl will get exactly as much time as we deem it worthy.

Sometimes that means we'll do 17 minutes on a bowl that you think we shouldn't pay any attention to at all. Sometimes that means we'll do 37 seconds on a bowl that you think is pretty important. We follow our own brains and they're very badly diseased. According to listeners, there's one thing, one important part of it that we do every year, which is to sing the Holiday Bowl exactly as you would think. Can we give them a bar of that? Holiday Bowl! Holiday Bowl!

All right, that's it. Next up, SEC East fans hate their team. particularly Florida and Tennessee. Have you seen the SEC East play football? Yeah. This is basically the entire story of America. Around 2000, everybody had money and limitless credit. And then sometime around 2007 and 2008, it all collapsed.

And for some reason, Missouri's in charge. Yeah. Percy Harvin has our money. Phil Fulmer is responsible for both of these things. Yeah. The subprime mortgage market, that's actually the SEC East. So that's why we hate everything because things used to. to be better. And now we have to do, we have to lose in a competition with the state of

Alabama. Do you know how much that burns? Do you have many other things state of Alabama's good at? Count them. You'll only need one hand. Diabetes and adult literacy. Ding. So while both of these schools have won national championships and revenue sports in my lifetime, I'm totally content to root for an FCS team that doesn't even have to play for national titles. Jason, I'm convinced you're going to live longer than any of us because of this. It's a much healthy way to go. I recommend it. You should become Charleston Southern fans. next up next section college football lore a lot of people commented on our impressions of coaches we do them a lot um can we get brian can you give us a little coach oh the coach oh love to make the good

impression it sort of sound like a cage and cookie monster but we don't worry about that none longer to talk about the airport uh i think i think we should point out that the key to the coach impressions is that they sound nothing like the coaches but they sound like the coaches should sound they sound like the coach's souls. Like Ryan doesn't sound like Coach O, but Coach O should sound like that. And when he opens his mouth now and Ryan's voice doesn't come out, I'm upset. Spencer, can you

give us 10 seconds of either Steve Sprier or Mac Brown? Well, I want to give you the Matt Brown, because the Matt Brown was most entertaining to me because he's currently retired. Definitely not coaching football. Nothing that happens is his fault. I'm actually going to bail out of this

impression early, because I got a flight to catch. I'll catch you all later. Hook him. and i'm bobby petrino it is it is here in the in the spirit of full full explanation for people who really don't know the next section listen it doesn't matter no discipline we got to move on bobby petrino is a sex monster that's it speaking of extreme coach characterization is another of our common commonly commented on things will muschamp has the intelligence of an ice box uh bobby Yeah, that's definitely made up. It's a big horsey monster.

Holgerson will sleep with a casino, not even the people coming out of it. Mark D'Antonio just wants to just wants the sky to rainhammer. Just wants to fight the sun and put a tie on the sun. Hugh Freeze is constantly going to the doctor because he jerks off so hard. He almost dies. Basically, we're just adding 10% exaggeration to characters of coaches. It's really only.

Or in Hugh Freeze's case, subtracting so we can still get ad dollars. Yeah. And avoid, like, actual lawsuits. Yeah, this is,

this is. Along these lines, sorry, Spencer, you've, like, you've gone too, gone too far.

So extreme team characterizations is also part of this. Auburn is chaos team, Wisconsin and Wazoo are the drunk teams. LSU fans will cook you and eat you and you will enjoy it. And they're, and LSU is also a drunk chaos team. Aliceu is all teams.

Right. LSU is Wisconsin and the upside down, right? that's hell wisconsin you shouldn't necessarily believe our characterizations as they apply to a given team in a given year you should apply them to what a team is existentially so utah for example needing to remind you that it's a power five team in a given season you might not need that reminder because utah is good but if you're just asking what is a utah and how did they act generally yeah they're going to tell you they're a power five i maintain that you don't need this reminder because utah fans will remind you Yeah, this is, it's like how your phone reminds you of where you're supposed to be. They will remind you where they are. They will remind the shit out of you. Next up, we also do other impressions.

These are generally not considered good. You only have two on this list. It feels hurtful. Well, that's wild because I sourced them directly from the readers. Well, the public dictated the spreadsheet. Ryan, can you demonstrate? No, no, I, no, I didn't. Listen, there's a whole episode of me doing a Jeff Goldblum impression.

It's our pit preview from the 20, the offseason before 2018. You can go find it if you want. I'm not going to do it again here. It was a bad choice and I'll never apologize. Go Gators. Well, we've left more time for Spencer's Ricky Jervase impression. I'm very sorry. Fuck me.

What, how is it worse? To have to point this out. But what's offensive, if I say that Hugh Freeze is jacking off and it hurt his back what what i ask you you little americans so tough so macho what triggered by the image of liberty's head coached it's time to discuss chicken bets what what if spencer jerva's time to discuss chicken bets what was the first jason do you remember what the first chicken bet was me versus godfrey on sir some little team that he uh uh uh irrationally fell in love with that I applied the cold hand

of reason to. Was it Western Kentucky? Did I make that out? Something like that. It was a team he thought would be better than it was, basically. So every year we try to find at least one bet where we bet fried chicken, the only currency that matters on a team's performance. Godfrey has the upper hand on me at the moment due to

Arizona State beating Arizona on the year, if I recall. And I think that came down to the Arizona State Arizona game. It did, yes. I think we're even to this point, if you're listening in 2019, but I will defeat him in 2019. We've also branched out. Floyd owes me chicken. He'll never pay up. Someone knows Alex, I think. Ryan and I both owe Spencer because of Texas. Yes. How many chicken

bets have been paid out at this point? Zero. Next topic. Wait, wait, don't help me. Speaking of Ryan's ideas. So the aforementioned before the 2018 season. Who wanted to hear more about this? I want names. Lots of people. Previews. We decided to do, we decided to do team specific, genre specific previews that were very stupid wait wait wait don't help me was our npr themed Arizona state preview it remains one of the greatest things we've ever done mostly because it required all of us to not laugh during all of it now Jason didn't laugh because he didn't think it was funny I didn't get any of the jokes I'm never I wasn't here this week and let me just point out that this is what happens when I'm not around Spencer thought some of it was funny let's listen to

NPR no Ryan's mom I'm the aunt that teaches you to smoke and and drive a transam. Let's listen to car talk. No, no. Don't, don't drive like my brother. Don't you put that evil on me. Next up, overrating Texas each offseason. This is a thing that Spencer and I do.

And it's not even like a smart-ass media commentary thing. It's like sincere belief Texas will be, they can't possibly not go nine and three, right? They have nothing but blue chips, right? Look how much money, look, look how much money they spend and look how many people they have to recruit from and look how awesome Austin is. Y'all, I will perpetually overrate Texas until it stops paying out for me. Because thus far, this has actually worked real well. Whatever the wind total is, no matter how dismal, just add one or two.

That's the Texas effect. Yeah, and this pisses off Ryan every year because he doesn't have enough Texas in his bloodstream, I think. Let's see, clicking random on Wikipedia, which brings us to Anzink, a French historian, a student of Pierre Gaubert, who specializes in the history of the Ancien regime. Oh, the old regime, yeah. You see American, that's the Anzian regime. All right, next up. Stop it! Quarterback name jokes, specifically the Georgia quarterback name rule.

This isn't a joke. The Georgia quarterback name rule is that every Georgia quarterback, must have two first names for a name, correct? Yes. We have gotten so deep into this that I actually can't remember whether his name was Bryce Ramsey or Ramsey Bryce. And this is one of those things that's mostly true and has been for a very long time.

Prove it. Yeah, we can go back. Joe Cox the third is an exception to the rule. That's what you get for recruiting a redhead. Yeah, but what if I told you his name was Cox Joseph? That's a little more plausible as both a Georgia quarterback and an accounting fund. No, that's borderline.

Ward Heinz. Here's the secret magic behind this, is that in Georgia, last names can also be first names. So it's really a cheat the whole way around. Carter Quincy. Murray Aaron, Mason Hudson, Lambert Grayson. Yeah. Eason Jacob.

Oh, Eason Jacob was a classic. Elasico! Bobo Mike. Spencer and Ryan, tell us about that Alaskico. Elasico. Yeah, no, Elasico is what we've given the name we have given to Iowa, Iowa State, it is not a commentary on the quality of the teams, but instead the low degree of skill displayed by both in their game usually due to an intense amount

of emotion and lack of reps in practice time because El Asico, which gets its name from Barcelona and Real Madrid, El Classico, usually occurs early in the season. Both teams really want to win it. Both teams are playing in front of intense audiences. both teams are made up of young people who haven't got a lot of reps. So typically they play down to each other. Thus the name Elasico. Hey, Ryan, do Iowa or Iowa State fans really appreciate this name? No, no, they really.

I mean, I think Iowa State fans are okay with it. Adam Jacoby still has me blocked on Twitter because of this name. Who? Ryan, is this a good time to mention? God damn it. I mean, Blood Week is really a group creation, but Blood Week refers to any week in the call. football season where there's mass beheadings, basically, a bunch of ranked teams lose.

Hopefully they lose to a bunch of unranked teams, a bunch of upsets happen. It works especially well when these are not games where you're like, oh, look out. They're playing such and such in the danger barn. And on a Friday night, you know how that goes. Blood Week is basically the week that resets all of our expectations about college football. You can have multiple Bloods Week in a college football season. You can also theoretically have a college football season without a true Blood Week. There have been a few.

We went back to the archives, and we have underway to some degree a series on historical blood weeks, and there have been seasons without. They were mostly in the 70s. The most important thing is that you can only ask us if it's Blood Week. You can never tell us that it's Blood Week. We are the Lords of Blood Week. Speaking of the Lords of Blood Week, which refer to games that result. in a good team losing to a bad team, put pit in.

We have adopted the Pittsburgh Panthers as one of our totem teams on this podcast because this team will always go between five and seven and seven and five, but they will beat a top five team for no good reason. We often refer to them as the most important team in college football, which does not make them the best in the same way that a spike strip may not be the best part of a road, but it's often the most important. It is critical. I have also referred to them as the Pitt Super Weapon because over the course of the season, as they accumulate losses like Khyber crystals, they are building up power, which they will unleash on Miami or West Virginia or Penn State or Notre Dame or somebody of that nature.

Yeah, current pit status, by the way. Still charging. Still charging. Still charging. Still charging. Still charging. I don't think we will ever give up on our love for pit, even though we don't know how we got it in the first place. Sandwiches.

Um, Holly, could you tell us about Michael Dyer was down? Uh, what's there to tell? he was down and remains down. There you have it, hitting random. Michael, no, for people who really don't know, this refers to it. For people who really don't know, there's the fucking internet.

No, we are the internet. So to recap, we're doing this. Way to turn this into a nanny state, Ryan. I'm cutting all of that out. No, you can't. You can't do that. Yeah, I can. Did you guys know that Ryan technically writes my performance reviews?

Bangor Swift's FC is a Northern Irish intermediate level football club. Sorry, did you say Bangor Swifts? Bangor Swifts. Don't even know her. Bangor Swifts played quarterback for Georgia in 1957. This is more of a Kentucky, I think. Yeah. Bangor, yeah, he threw like 8 TDs and 28 IMPs and was later indicted for male fraud.

His last name is Swifts, but he's real slow. Bangor Swifts is a quarterback who only finishes the year with like, it starts every game, through 67 total passes. Speaking of starting things such as seasons, let's discuss Scott Frost Day. Is today Scott Frost Day? This is a trick question. Yes. Yes.

But what if the listener is listening to this when Nebraska has a record of like 2 and O, then is today Scott Frost Day? No. Ask the governor. Scott Frost Day is any day in the calendar year where Nebraska has yet to notch its first win of the year. So named because in Scott Frost's first year at Nebraska,

They named Scott Frost Day. It was either the day of or the day before their first game, which I believe was supposed to host Akron. Game got canceled because of inclement weather, never got made up, took Nebraska about three or four weeks to win their first game. And so we decided Scott Frost Day continued like an unending storm. Like at a basketball game where you don't sit down until they've made their first shot? Yes, that's Scott Frost Day.

Is this an appropriate moment? to express surprise that in the show dedicated to explaining lore we're actually explaining lore. I thought this was a bit. So next we have to explain, we only have 48 seconds left for this. Every coach is actually a former

Chargers coach. This is half true. Again, we don't tell many jokes. There are a, there's an bushel full of coaches who go to the NFL and then come back. Most of them have tried it with the Chargers, i.e. Mike Riley, who I believe has coached the Chargers once,

and Oregon State eight times. Also, this is one of those plausible claims for any coach because do you know who the current coach of the San Diego Chargers is? Can you name the last three coaches? No, nobody can because San Diego is in itself a geographical

amnesia. Featureless, forgettable. Also, they're in a different city now. Yeah, and they're in a different city. Real college football coaches to whom this applies, Bobby Ross, June Jones, and Mike Riley, as Spencer mentioned, So yeah It's just true

Next! Let's discuss So some of these memes Have sort of crossed over To college football internet And people usually remember They came from us No big deal, it's fine You're welcome

We're not in it for trademarks We're givers One that I think people didn't realize Came from us It like bloomed immediately And we weren't all that big As a podcast yet It's talking about the Noles

We're not all that big as a podcast now So We're huge Ryan What are you talking about? Sorry about that. We were still a big baby podcast. We weren't a shambling, bumbling, tumbling, toddler podcast. Still bigger than every other college football podcast. Spencer, you'll be meanest. What is talking about the knolls? Talking about the

knolls was basically a hashtag created to highlight Florida State's least remarkable achievements in a time when they desperately wanted credit and attention. And when the worm turned, it became even more fun because now I was more than happy to talk about the knolls, particularly when they were losing by 38 points to Oregon. Next, Spencer, this is also you. Notre Dame fans are cops. Notre Dame fans are cops. It's just straight.

Did somebody call, did somebody call, you know, the cops on Metro PCS in D.C. For playing music, I guarantee it was a Notre Dame fan, right? The kind of people who are of slaves to petty order and are only terrified when somebody doesn't mow their yard exactly the same way. You know, little daily sponsors of that kind of insidious fascism that at its worst flares up into a sort of authoritarian, totalitarian state that promises comfort, but not freedom. In other words, Notre Dame Stadium's atmosphere on a game day. Exact same thing.

Go there, see the ushers. They're like the prison guards of that entire environment. So, Notre Dame fans, you're all cops. Every last one of you. If you're wondering if this is personal for Spencer, yes, it is. Intensely personal. Dino Wars destruction of Spondolas is a 1990 NES game where you must defeat the deranged Dr. Brainius. You're the only hope of the spondolas system. It's time to discuss sad husky.

Ryan, this is your jurisdiction. Yeah. This refers to, I believe, Yukon's first ever logo, which is a hand-drawn, sort of slightly lumpy, but only slightly lumpy, husky drawing, drawing of a husky, that is, just looks sort of perplexed to be there, sad to be, a little bit sad to be alive. I often refer to him as on wee husky, but people then get mad and insist that that's not what on we means and i don't care uh the important thing is that sad husky with a little bit of clever photoshop skill can be applied to any logo or any piece of college football uh arcana and instantly be a signifier that yep you just lost a game you shouldn't have lost you should feel bad just like sad husky does speaking of unimpressive

northeastern college football team uh the wiki has spat out st john's football did we know st john's had a football team? I did not. It was discontinued in 2002, just like Yukon. Next up, sometimes we accidentally reveal we do know what we're talking about. This is always fun when people realize like, ah, this college football only deserves a certain level of seriousness, and that is the level of seriousness we provide. But there are things about the sport. We do understand and do spend time researching and so forth. You'll have to pay very close attention. This is one of the most arcane items on here because it's only a rare flare-up. So Jason has been the college football editor at previously at SB Nation.

You've had that position for how long? Since 2011. Okay, so for basically eight years, that's what Jason did. Spencer has been writing about college football almost exclusively for far too long. Holly and I have jumped around to other things, so we are probably like jockeying for the bronze medal in this regard, but our gold and silver medalists fucking kill it. Yeah, we actually, do you know how much you have to know about this in order to be this ignorant? It's a lot.

Next up, obviously, a lot of people ask about the mystery Sun Bowl story. Can we put that on record now? No. No, but I will say that you're all missing something. Yeah. Everyone keeps asking about a punch. You're assuming that was a punch. blunt force trauma can come in many forms that that's all i'm going to say a lot of you are assuming that was a punch and let let's leave it at that yeah we're i will say this we are moving we are moving closer to a point of potential disclosure there this is the 2012 2013 sunball right georgia tech USC correct which yeah which you you know it's an unusual case because georgia tech beat USC in a football game this is the USC team that i believe holds the distinction

of being the only team to start the preseason ranked number one and finish the season unranked at all. There have been a few, but they went the hardest. Okay. Maybe a couple. I know Ole Miss did it once. Well, that doesn't count. If there's a record for futility.

Next up, it's time to discuss the org chart. Oh, God. No, wait, we got a masthead now. We don't have to do this. Well, so the main thing, and this has been a thing forever, is no one has any clue how we fit within Vox Media. by no one, do you think I'm referring just to the listeners? No.

Absolutely not. That includes us as well, believe me. That includes the rest of Fox Media as well. I can confirm that we all get paychecks from Vox Media and we sometimes work at Vox Media physical locations. We enjoy many of our colleagues. We enjoy lots of our colleagues. I think Pollyon is one of the best websites in existence,

video game and entertainment or not. Red Cup Rebellion? Sure. good bull hunting good bull hunting yeah the falkaholic yeah and the valley shook love y'all shout out to eater dot com yes uh c f villanova is a spanish football team in catalonia uh next dix so the main thing about dicks is when it's time for us to you know fill the listeners in on what we call podcast business which is like an announcement about a live show or a new product or, you know, yeah, it's just boring.

Like, go leave iTunes review or whatever. We sing the song, podcast, business, Dick. It's set to the tune of LSU's semi-band semi-fight song, which is about dicks. I don't know. Seems pretty straightforward to me. This is also a reference to the fact that this bleeds into our next topic. I believe the first ad read we did on this show specifically was for, shall we say, Male assistance pills?

We can just say dick pills. Dick pills. Dick pills. Yeah. Dick pills. I suggested that we do all the, we stopped weirdly getting Dick pill sponsorship offers when I insisted on being the one to read all the dick pill ads. Yeah.

For men. For men. There's also a weird thing where it turns out women listen to college football podcasts, the only one that there is at least, as well, which is, you know, interesting news. And they don't actually suffer from. from male pattern baldness, these women. Is that right? I actually enjoy being othered by our sponsors

because I don't get enough othering as a professional woman on the internet. Now, to be fair, Spencer also gets othered when we get sponsored by clothing companies because he doesn't work. He doesn't make to work with. Yeah, that's a problem. I think I provide a unique perspective on this

by saying, you know, these are great. I'm not going to use them. But they're fantastic, but I'm not. not going to use them. The town of Seigold, Pennsylvania, was originally called Haggerty, named after a judge. It produced Bob Shockey, a professional baseball player who played 15 seasons for the A's and the Yankees as a right-handed pitcher. He looks, he kind of looks like Nick Saban. That's the life.

Next up, we all went to Medill. More people pointed this out than I expected. What is the Medill School of Journalism besides our beloved alma mater? kind of that's northwesterns journalism school it is also it's college football's home of hufflepuff hall monitors yeah it is it is well it is also home like there are some weird graduates from middil as well like roger sherman i believe is a middill alum and show me a more typical hufflepuff it is a place would you say he's a hall monitor though no no no no no he's too forgetful to be a hall monitor Yeah, he'll never be hard, boy.

Where are you going? I'm distracted. There's pudding over here. I left the hole in a taxi. Let's have, yeah, let's have Spencer, me, and Roger try to find the same physical location. Oh, Jesus Christ.

So the important thing is that we all went to Northwestern because we said we did. And that's the most important thing about being a middilgrad is telling people that you're a middilgrad. Also, how do you know someone is a middilgrad? If we're referring to our spiritual alma mater,

we all went to actually different universities, but if we all actually did go to the same university, which one would that be? Arizona State. Arizona State. If anytime you look up, if someone, you know, went to one school and then they look and they see, you know, college game day or student section or a pool,

a pool fight riot or whatever the case may be, they think, shit, I should have gone to Arizona State, right? So we've attached the word consider in front of this because everyone should think about going to Arizona State. The real point, like the real point for me is always reminding people who are from the northeast and or any part that's like a coastal, a typical coastal elite enclave that you don't actually know anything about America or college football. Also, Pat Fitzgerald is a Pinkerton. I will say this also took on a new spin once it was revealed that people, Lori Loughlin and her family were bribing USC to get their kid into school there because they didn't want her to go to Arizona State. And now Lori Loughlin might be going to prison.

Ryan, you, your role on this podcast, this company, this website have long fascinated people. You are our lawyer, our boss, our producer, our underling, our victim. Everything is your fault, ultimately. Is that accurate? Yeah, the connective tissue I have to the rest of you is very strange. Holly and my wife went to college together, but in no way is that a reason why. That is not part of the origin story of why I met my wife. In fact, famously, I refused to meet Ryan for a couple of years because your wife called me after your first date and said, hey, I went out of a date with somebody who said he reads EDSPS, and I said, call the police.

Right, right. So there was that. Spencer was my boss for a very long time, and now I am Spencer's boss, and that's weird. Ha-ha! Turn-off. Yeah, I have alternately, I have done like eight different jobs at box media. I have produced the vast majority of episodes of this podcast, which is why they sound so terrible. And the worst part is, I've been trying my best.

So we have one over into the next item, which is frequently brought up by readers. Ryan, they've noticed you have a distinct voice. I've been told I sound like Charlie Day. Two different strangers have at points asked me to leave voicemails for their friends, where I say something as if I am Charlie Day. there's a lot of gendered insults in there which is always super fun and original for a college football audience yep uh this is just the voice i have i can't do anything about it please just leave me alone for the love of god let's talk about the town of vedicatari manjeri in the state of corolla india i am sorry for mispronouncing it i've looked at the word for the first time just now how many people live here about 20,000 uh it's uh yep it's right of there on the water We're going to hit random again.

It's a Ruckers Town. The Pennsylvania Patient Safety Authority. Also a Ruckers Town. Next up. The story of Fry and Nanny. So I think, I forget exactly when Florida was playing in an Outback Bowl. They've played in Lake Seven, so that doesn't help narrow it down. I was watching the game with my wife.

I saw the dancing Blumen Onion mascot. The bowl game has two mascots, a Blumen Onion and a fry. and a fried coconut shrimp. It occurred to me that I could do this because it's just a human being in a costume. I spent a year haranguing outback to let me do it and encouraging our listeners to harangue them as well. And they finally relented.

I was the Blumen Onion for the third quarter in which South Carolina came back to take the lead and eventually beat Michigan because Jim Harbaugh is weaker than I am. Aaron White is a Canadian softball first baseman from Iowa State her husband you've gotten a lot of sports ones on this yeah yeah I don't know if it's like algorithmized for the only thing it knows I can understand uh holly darling you're noted for blocking people on the internet yeah have you met the internet you also are noted for

having a role in this podcast that people have a hard time pinning it down uh yeah it's it's weird that they that they worry about that um yeah you have very interesting lives uh do you want the real version of the story because it's not funny uh yeah do it do you want to say it oh i have no problem with anyone knowing that i uh started appearing on this podcast again after a few year absence to fend off galactic depression uh it didn't work bad for asking internet no no they don't they don't they don't idle chauvin is a small village near kirkagrade in the southeast of the netherlands close to the belgian borders it has two former coal mines laura and julia named after the wives of the

owners huh is it flattering to have a coal mine named after you bence uh let's see uh we have two ant based nicknames to explain stabby and mothman i don't actually remember where stabby came from, which is how long this internet concern has been going on. I mean, it was a commenter. I just don't remember who. Yeah, no. It came from repeated threats of stabbing people. Oh. The best

nicknames are organic like that. Okay. Aunt Mothman is my mother's sister. There are members of my family. We are Hungarian slash Bulgarians slash a lot of gypsies in there. And

there are a group of women in my family who believe that we are direct bloodline descendants of the mothman and that these powers have manifested in my mother's older sister who doesn't have kids so guess who get her powers when she dies the greatest heirloom an heirloom of doom what's up uh there oh let's see spencer you're next uh we are often the things you can't do are often noted i think you're capable of many things but people often discuss how you To thank you. You're following things.

You can't swim. You can't count. You can't eat cheese and you can't follow rules. He can't eat cheese. He just won't. Yeah. I've seen any cheese. He's eating any pizzas.

Can't swim or count. Yeah. Don't like cheese. I've never been able to stand the smell of it. I don't know what you're smelling. But every time I smell it, it smells like the ass end of a farm. All the asses. Just sitting there on your plate.

Don't have any clue why any of you touch that bullshit. But I choose not to. No, it comes from cows, not bullshed. Oh, that's a boy cow. Well, that's what I'm doing wrong. The other one is... It comes from their stomach butts. Can't count.

In the words of a long ago show, God made Adam and Bvo, not Adam and Stevo. I can't count. I'm really not going to contest that one. Can't follow rules. Again, not going to contest that one either. I'm just naturally not particularly... It's not even a matter of being

philosophically anti-authoritarian. Some of us just can't follow rules. That's just... That's not an excuse. I didn't say it was an excuse. I just said it was the condition. Next up, I have two things to answer for. My name on the internet is very often associated with the town in which I live,

like more than most people. It's because Kennesaw is a funny name. I don't know. Yeah, that's where I am right now. Well, it's also because you're associated, that's your alma mater. There's that. There's that. It's a college town that used to.

be not a college town. You're the Pope of Kennesaw. Sure, that's fine. It's pretty normal little town, about half a county north of Atlanta. I think most people think it's in Kentucky or something, but no, it's right here in civilization. I lived there for about a year. I did enjoy my favorite leftover rule on the books that all heads of household must own guns. No problem there. Speaking of, yes, I've been to jail for taking one of those household items to the airport. I didn't mean to, okay? Next up, this is a frequently, a frequent observation.

People realize Spencer and Holly aren't married. So what we would like, what we would like to announce as the actual lore here? This is canon. This is officially canon now. The actual marriage on this program is Spencer and Ryan. We're married. Ryan's a hen.

I love you, Cream Puff. And on the catch, too. He is. Technically, you're an interception. Spencer, you're a batter getting drilled at the plate. I am the batter getting drilled at the plate. You know, you know what's disturbing? I immediately, not because of any homophobic reason,

but I think about Spencer and I'm like, I couldn't be married to him. I just couldn't. I'd yell at him all the time. I'd be so mean. Why do people keep wishing that on me? No, because every decision that you make, I make the opposite decision.

And for instance, we both grind our teeth. Do you have a mouthpiece as prescribed by your dentist? Yes. Yeah. Do I? No. It's time to discuss our other husband, 38 Godfrey. People.

Oh, that's the one we married for his logs. So, co-worker Stephen Godfrey leads Banner Society's other college football podcast. Podcasts ain't played nobody. And has been part of that for a long time. And we like to mess with each other. Sometimes their listeners don't understand. and jokes, but ours always do. And that's what matters first and foremost.

And we like to direct people who have complaints about our podcast, 238 Godfrey. Because he's real friendly. Well, we know he'll mostly ignore them and play along. We don't, we actually quite like podcasts ain't played nobody. I don't know if podcast ain't played nobody actually likes us, but they tolerate us. So that's kind of a Deadpool and Spider-Man situation.

Yes. Except we're actually funny, right? I'm sorry Yeah, right, right Like we have Deadpool defenders This is a one-way podcast They can't still scream into the ether Bro

Stop it, stop it As soon as I get done listen to this Joe Rogan podcast Let's devote 15 seconds to wisdom On our next subject to explain Which is Brian Floyd Floyd, Floyd would you like to explain Your role in this podcast? No, we have to explain

In the actual joke, God, let him talk. Ryan, let him talk. Ryan, let him talk. Ryan, shut up. Ryan, shut up. God, Floyd is going to explain for 50. Go ahead, Floyd.

Uh-huh. Right? Does anybody know where this joke actually came from? Solid happiness is an oil on canvas painted in Italy by the Chilean artist Roberto Mata in 1997. If you want to know the actual. The Panthers' last companion of this certified the work in 2001.

Just tweet at me. It's fine. Buenos Aires. It's in Buenos Aires. The Sandman. The Sandman. So a few years ago, I'm like, I like to dabble as an amateur, casual fun in gambling, mostly on college football, the only part I understand.

I was successful at NBA gambling last year. I don't want to bring up my record. It would probably embarrass people. That's fine. into betting on NFL gambling as part of an actual major contest. I didn't put up the money, but once I realized how much money you have to spend to put in it, I was pretty embarrassed to be taking up someone's spot. Joked about it on the podcast week, and Ryan gave my gambling alter ego the nickname of the Sandman,

who is this New Jersey dirtbag who lives in the Mississippi River and is constantly evading the feds, and he has this accent that sounds like someone from New Jersey drinking gravel, and every time I try to produce it, it sounds different. He doesn't know anything about college football. Proudly doesn't know anything about college football. It's kind of my NFL draft alter ego. Yeah, that's right. Disaster episodes, one of our specialties.

The first one of these was actually an accident. And it remains one of our most popular episodes ever, despite having, even for us, I think the worst audio quality of any episode that wasn't the Atlanta Live Show, Ryan and Jason were both out that we, And so Spencer and I ended up recording an episode on the fly just between our cell phones. And I was in an extremely echoy bathroom stall in Los Angeles recording the entire thing. I think Spencer was surrounded by screaming children the entire time. And we had nothing to go on for the episode.

So we started talking about our favorite topics, which are backyard YouTube videos of wrestling stunts gone wrong. And we kind of led from there into asking our listeners, to share horrible things that had happened to them while doing lawn care. And what resulted was one of the most fun experiences we've ever had recording a podcast, it's not necessarily listening to a podcast. And we've branched out from there into a number of other disasters since then. Most recently, our vacation disasters episode from last week. All of these feature the central cast members, Idiot Dads and Uncles.

That's not by design. It's just what pops up when we request them. the idiot dad and the idiot uncle frequently we are the idiot dads we've done we've done animal disasters kitchen disasters uh others we'd like to do at least at least a couple few of these per year next week we need to spend 35 seconds discussing conference calls right can you can you explain how this actually came about because i don't think i even remember like what was going on with the feed uh i don't so i don't remember if it was a feed thing or just a thing we decided to do but because we're dumb and we like to try

weird things. We decided, I think this was when a coach firing happened. Maybe it's when Hugh freeze. No, this was when the feed went down. No, it was because we had no other way to release the show. We had no other way to put out audio to do a conference call and tweet the link. And then we decided it was fun, so we kept doing it. So yeah, occasionally we host, we'll just pop up a conference call out of nowhere if you're wondering like, oh, that's just a conceit. Nope, it's a link to a conference call where you have a dial in number and the whole thing and you sit on mute, except for a brief moment where we unmute the whole call, and it sounds like hell itself has opened up. So the next item on the list is Cassio Dog. A hilarious number of people

wanted us to talk about Cassio Dog. We have, we'll have about 35 seconds to discuss Cassio Dog. I don't remember exactly how we got to Cassio Dog. Writers on the storm. Simply put, Cassio Dog is Spencer making the sound. a Cassio keyboard would make if it had a dog setting. No, the one, the other storyline here is Spencer loves to make. It comes from the SK5 Cassio keyboard, all right? This is a real Cassio keyboard. It's a real Cassio keyboard.

It's the SK5. It had four drum pads, one sample bowl that you could put the word butt on. So you just did it and it was like, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but. And it had a dog noise, and it would play jingle bells. And that is the exact same noise that I do when I do Cassio dog. Next up, about 25 snakes came out. This was from a story, I believe, by Holly. This is from a sequel to Long Care Disasters.

Yeah, this is, this was in a sequel to one of our Long Care Disasters episode, wherein a reader lit a brush pile on fire leading to the discovery, the very rapid discovery, that a number of snakes had been, had been taking residence in that brush pile. Because of this, we own the domain's 25 snakes. 24 snakes, and 26 snakes.com. Because you can't be too careful. Austin, Texas live show Holly collected 25 rubber snakes, and we distributed those to the audience.

About, about 25. The list of proton diseases includes crown gall, a bacterial, which can infect certain kinds. Crown gall, a Georgia quarterback. Take those old records off the shelf. This came from, yeah. This was just in the middle of a normal episode with Bill Connolly, which is about the most normal person who's ever been on this podcast.

Spencer shares a story you saw on Twitter of someone at karaoke who sang this song repeating nothing about that line. We've since done that for real at live karaoke. Yeah, this comes from a this comes from a Kath Arbidoro tweet, which my favorite response is from user at Say What again, which was I want, this is the response that does it actually. It's Chris Wade at Say What Again. I once saw someone do old time rock and roll

but just saying, just take those old records off the shelf for every line and it whipped the room into a fervor. Ferver spelled F-U-R-V-O-R. Casio-D-R-W-R-R-W-R-W. Cassio-Daw-R-W-W-W-W-W-R-W. Next item is

parenting. We have several children between this group, and I think the single conclusion that we've come to on the subject of parenting is that you should avoid having sons. Is this correct? Yes. Jason has a daughter. I have a daughter. Spencer has two sons. Jason and I. Yeah. And I have Spencer. Jason and I, I think, have normal parenting problems, and Spencer is constantly being threatened with death and destruction. Yeah, they're going to kill me, and no one is joking about this. The idea between having sons is that in the first 10 years of their lives, they will take 20 off yours by trying to accidentally kill themselves in traffic.

It's like if Ricky Bobby's kids were also Damien from the Omen. Yes, but very... Why do you think there's that Goya painting of Saturn eating his young? Like, it's a preservation tactic. Strike first. Yeah, like, seriously, you become a parent of boys and suddenly Skynet becomes a sympathetic character. a lot of people pointed out we often veer into star wars and comics discussion i had a question here so ryan and spencer did they ask us to explain star wars no i think more our relation to it

ryan and spencer you too very much grew up on it had the books in the 90s you know memorized the movies forever ago i only got into it because of my kid actually holly where are you on that spectrum as far as star wars interest a little too young but i had uh my god godmother's oldest son was like a little bit older than me and he had the big like wooden curio cabinet with all the action figures so like i was a toddler when return of the jedi came out but i kind of got gateway drugged into it through my um through that kid and through some of my older cousins so i i grew up on it from a very very young age okay so we have three three uh three jedi masters and one patawan here to use to use terminology

Will Mustchamp has no idea what you're talking. Yeah, if you don't think this is college football relevant, somebody did ask Will Mustchamp about being a Padawan, and he did actually respond with, I don't know what a Padawan. I don't listen to hip-hop. I don't know what that is. Our most frequently referenced video games,

according to the users, I'm going to start calling our listeners users. Our readers, you mean? Red Dead Redemption. Our readers are users. So we did a Red Dead. episode a long time ago and people keep asking about part two that'll happen when it happens. Metal Gear is also on the list for

its total depraved insanity strategy games of course, but let's talk about sexual toad again. I don't think we really, we didn't really roll around in that enough. That was our most culturally relevant. Is that a Patrick Gill image, the one of Toad with big sexy legs? It's, yes.

Oh, that one was my fault. I'm the one that introduced that into this bloodstream. Patrick L. Polygon was trying to get Nintendo for a while to retweet a picture of Toad with a normal Toad upper torso and wearing an adult diaper with human legs on the bottom behind it that somehow turned into a discussion of hat meat meaning that Toad has no hat. He just has meat on top of his head that's part of his form. And then like I said, it somehow turns into a porn star saying that Donald Trump's penis

looks like Toad. So under 45 seconds to discuss our relationship with music, we used to talk rappers a lot more than we do now. I guess we're getting old. People noted we talk metal from time to time, but the most frequently cited musical contributions by the full cast all revolve around Billy Joel, Garth Brooks, and other such white guys. So Spencer hates Billy Joel is softing Spencer. Spencer hates Billy Joel because Billy Joel is the most literal musical artist. But also because Billy Joel follows him everywhere. Like if he walks into a store or a chain restaurant, Billy Joel will come on the speakers.

Well, Billy Joel is one of those people that I don't hate. I'm just fascinated with why he was ever as big as he was because, one, if he wants to write a song, he writes exactly what that song is about to the extent that it becomes something beyond a running joke. You're like, dude, you're brilliant. Just like 3-6 mafia. Exactly, right? Like, let's like, let's do a robbery. Yeah, that's exactly what Billy Joll would call it. A Robbery is about planning a robbery.

Yeah. We often discuss the Bible for reasons being that, hey, we're all Southern here. We were raised with various degrees of religiosity. I think I had the majority of that. A lot of people pointed out Ryan has a long fascination with Noah's Ark. Ryan, would you like to talk about Noah's Art for 30 seconds? It's a story about a drunk who's told by the Lord to build a boat and gather a bunch of animals by himself with no background or equipment. Ryan, have you seen the Russell Crowe movie?

I have not seen the Russell Crowe You should see it It's crazy as shit Okay It's got like fucking It's got angel ints Wow Yeah it's actually metal as shit

Is he drunk? Yeah it's got fights He's drunk as hell It's got drunk fights He's dude Noah's a fucking drunk warrior With an army of rock End angels

So in other words Russell Crow's not acting Like there's no acting by Russell Crow Yeah it's totally normal Russell Crow And Kirk Farrants is there next up along with extreme coach and team characterizations we also apply broad swaths to entire regions of the united states but these are really not extreme they're just accurate i had jotted down based on listener feedback new york sucks the midwest is slow and starchy west coasters are too cool for any of this in the south has many insane racists these are just facts i don't yeah new york sucks i hope by the time that you are listening to this as long as you're not listening to it right after we published it i don't live here

anymore, please? Robert McMurtory is a physician and special advisor to the Canadian Royal Commission on the Future of Healthcare actively involved in discussions on creating an accessible medical system for the Canadian public. Is it not already? Jesus. The future of healthcare is Robocop. Call me Bob. Like they're up there

trying to make it more accessible and we're trying to like make it accessible at all. They're just stunting on us. Nature seeks balance in all things. If you would like an MRI, you have to get past Glacier and the tennis. Ball Gannon. Only three more. Third to the last, this was mentioned by many, many, many readers.

Papa John. So Papa John, before he, like, had his ignominious fall from grace, if you can call it Grace, is fascinating for several reasons. One, he insists on being in all of his own commercials, even though he's a terrible actor, it entirely wouldn't. Two, he goes by Papa John. he's a grown man who says that that's what his name should be three his pizza's kind of gross four he was way too involved with louisville athletics i think he was on like the board at louisville

or something like that drove a camero on the field drove a camero on the field has an infamous drunk looking picture at the national championship game in basketball that louisville won um yeah it was kind of rubber faced in the way that someone might be if one used a tremendous amount of Botox late in life. And also, if you know anyone who is from Louisville or who has spent a good amount of time there, ask them for a Papa John story. They've got one. And it's not flattering.

There are very few Papa John stories that are like, oh, yeah, he came to the hospital. And no, it's like, oh, yeah, he came to the hospital and he stole my bike. 45 seconds to explain Big Cow. Big Cow is the id of the Texas Longhorns fan base. They're big cow. they swing their antlers their horns wherever they care to swing them and they don't really care how you do it and when trying to channel that i decided that the way that they would sing this would be i'm big cow and i don't like you you can suck my dick it doesn't matter from this comes from a video of

a deposition by texas super mega booster jojamael look that up that's better internet content than you're getting right here fat boy the mega chile albi fast skis is a species of bee discovered in 1932. Where was this when we were trying to come up with insect mascots? And finally, many, many people brought this up are fascination. And I think ahead of the curve on this with fast food and grocery store opinions. The internet, as we're of recording, is being consumed by this, but we've been doing this for years. I got my Popeye's chicken sandwich last Friday.

can't relate to y'all out there in line yeah we had them in may i didn't realize we were an early trial market i i would have bragged about it at the time the point is fast food and um grocery stores are probably america's most lasting cultural contribution to the world at this point like i guess you can like r and b is probably the other one um we're simple people right like we're very simple people what do you do like where does life start you got to live life kind of, you know, like gull at first. You got to eat. Where do we get food? Typically get food at one

of these places, right? One for necessity and one for leisure. And because, you know, we... That's time.