Shutdown Fullcast - Welcome...to the Shutdown Fullcall!

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

Because we continue to be plagued by "we can't actually send new podcast episodes out to anyone for some reason" problems (which we do explain to the best of our ability in this show), we made the brave and brilliant decision to embrace a new and emerging form of technology: the conference call. What you're about to hear is us and 700 muted guests* doing something roughly like our usual weekly review, except this time we couldn't edit anything out. Fun! *There is a hell moment at the end where they are all simultaneously unmuted. You have been warned. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, hello, fullcast listener. I wanted to give you a little bit of context as to what you're about to be waiting into. Since we're still having technical problems getting the podcast out through the normal, healthy means, we decided on a whim and a Twitter poll to do a conference call Sunday night for our usual Monday release episode. So that's what you're about to hear. There were 700 other people on the call besides us, the hosts. They're all muted, so you don't have to worry about them jumping in with whatever. That said, we do unmute them at the very end. and, ooh, it's hell. Just pure audio hell, which for me is really saying something.

Probably wondering, what are we going to get back to our usual standard of just kind of bad at our jobs? I don't know. I wish I knew. Oh, God, I wish I knew. In case anyone did not expense a lunch for this, company policy, you are allowed up to a $15 lunch. Who are they? Wait, are they going to send us those receipts now? You send your receipts to at 38, Godfrey.

No, we have to, here's the thing. And I'm only going to say this once. Thank you very much to Godfrey and Bill for letting us put our podcast on their feed. Bill, you're super smart and hardworking. Godfrey, you're very tall. He's so tall. So tall. The first time you see how high his belt buckle is,

off the ground, it's like, man, that's the highest belt buckle I've ever seen. But he's all legs. Like, he has the torso of a 5 foot 8 guy, and, like, and it's just like somebody messed with the sliders and was just like, set legs. Set legs to 140. I don't know. That's not going to put legs at 140. It only goes to 99.

It's like this huge person who can't get on a horse. I can get on a horse. I can. Have you seen his hat? He's not over-compensating for anything at all. Yeah, please. I have... All that, no inseam.

I have cotton hull, a cotton hill body. My name is that cotton-hilled disease. I do. I cut my legs off in Okinawa. Godfrey is the subject of that redactress article that asks, is he cute or is he just tall and white? all right um spencer do you want to formally kick off this episode in heavy quotes of the podcast welcome to the shutdown full cast we're a conference call now

Why are we doing this? Two weeks from now will be a newsreel somehow. The latest... Hello, everyone. The latest in college football, the Kaiser marches forward, but Notre Dame is there to answer the call. Oh, Notre Dame taking heavy casualties in the trenches. Wow, where have I seen that before?

When has that ever happened? This is the year, okay? This is Notre Dame. year. It's Notre Dame's year. Now I'm full on rooting for Notre Dame to get in the playoff. Why? Because I want to see it happen again.

Oh, I see. I want it to be like, here comes on Notre Dame. I remember just hanging out the window at that orange bowl and screaming like, pass the dirt and bury them next. Do you think it was bad before

they just come back and they're like we get Famba again yeah they can score 70 now you know that thing in Lord of the Rings when they're like they have a key patrol it's like if it's like if the guy Indiana Jones just shot the

sword fighter in Raiders if his son grew up and was like I'm gonna sword so hard I'm gonna get him and Indiana Jones is like yeah I have two guns now I don't, you still don't have a sword.

Yeah, I'm not A.J. McCarron anymore. That's the best part. You can't slam by A.J. McCarron. What are you going to do when it's Tua? Listen, that's Raiders participant, A.J. McCarron, sir. No, this game is going to be like after Temple of Doom when Spielberg and George Lucas both were like, we're sorry about this. We were getting divorces, both of us.

We were working through some shit while we were making this. Notre Dame, your best player was from Hawaii. Bama's got an even better Hawaiian. You have nothing. Stay out of the playoffs. Speaking of divorces, sup, Jeff Long. Sup. Sup.

Oh! So. I see you creeping. So before we discuss everything that happened this weekend in college football, we should discuss, you know, and follows and followers, i.e. that Kansas formerly unfollowed coach David Beatty. Despite having his best season at Kansas, I mean, that doesn't say much, but new athletic director Jeff Long fired him. And then someone noticed, an eagle-eyed Twitter

participant, noticed a very particular follow Jeff Long made on Twitter tonight. Would any of you like to chime in on who that follow was? Anybody want to have Spencer out? Help me. Houston Nail nut! Was it sexual posts with two elves? No. It was not But Pocket either.

No. It was Houston nut. I like it when Butpocket tweets at me because then I get to reply, thank you, butt pocket. Thank you, Butt Pocket. So, yeah, it was Houston Dale Nutt. That would be former Old Miss coach, Houston Nutt. That would be former Arkansas coach, Houston Nutt.

Former Boise State coach had a hot minute there, exactly one year, a five and six year at Boise State, after which he was list away to Bayfield. Former San Diego Chargers coached, too. He did. He coached the Chargers right. I think he was. It was a weird deal. He only coached him for the preseason, and then he just got lost. He lost his key card to the building, and that was that.

He was between Mike Riley's 2 and 3. Like versions? Like Iron Man's? Yeah. Iron Men's? The Mike Riley's too. It's Mike's Riley. The Mike Riley.

Mike Riley is Mark 4. Yeah, Mike Mark 4. That means Mike Stoops at Oklahoma. That was like Mike Mark 5. Yeah. This one eats double-doubles. So remember when we all thought Jeff Long with the smart one, and then... Yeah, he's in that Larry Scott folder.

Yeah. So Miami's head coach is Mark Mark 4. Yeah. He might be Mark 4.5 pretty soon. That's a bad situation down there. It's not good. Mark, we're going to remove your offensive coordinator chip now. Why?

Is something wrong? Yes. extremely don't disconnect me I enjoyed that at Georgia it was I'm Mark Rick and I've had a difficult year well he's a godly man

it's a good question we'll let him slide hi I'm Mark Rick Miami coach I'm having a difficult year hey fuck you buddy Mark I need you to open I need you to open the beat Duke doors

I'm sorry I can't do that my name he wants to do for the first time since I was born and I'm old so old oh yeah so just know this we thought Jeff Long was real smart I want to go back and review Jeff Long that'd be Jeff Long hire Petrino and Jeff Long who hired

Brett Beelma after Brett Beelma wrote him a letter saying what a nice smart person Jeff Long was and he just followed Houston nuts Okay, but... Can we all try writing letters? If you got a letter from Bette... I mean, they don't even have to be about... No, it won't be the same,

because I think what we're ignoring is not the fact that... It's not about the content of the letter. It's about the fact that he got a letter from Brett Bilemon and was like, holy shit. I ran the black light over it, and nothing. Amazing. I enjoy.

By the way, doing this. live. You have a couple of benefits. David Satan Hubbens at St. Hubbins says, you're missing out on the once-in-a-lifetime experience of hearing a podcast via conference calls. You haven't called in. The audio quality is approximately the same as normal. The world-only college football conference call points out Jason's meal. I really... This is so much better than those playoff conference calls. So I'd like to return to something that we said last week. Remember, what's the only animal that can make it to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and then head back up?

Cat. You hear that? That's the helicopter. Just saying, no, leave him down there. That would be the borough, the Joe Borough, the little dependable beast that was going to... A beautiful hollow bone nephew. Avoided a safety, didn't he? He avoided that one safety.

Clutch? He even avoided scoring when it was for the other team. His process was up over 50% at one point. Yeah, that's when they really were struggling. Or at 50. I remember because I celebrated it. Woo! Joe Burroughs at par!

He needs to get under par. Spoken like a future Georgia transfer. Yeah, that's... Joe Burrow. Joe Burrow is... Joe Burrow didn't make it back up from the Grand Canyon. Hey, what did you say about this game? Just real quick?

Are you trying... Are you trying to catch me on a... false prediction. What did you say about the Penn... We can move on to the Penn State Michigan game if you want to talk about that one instead? No, no, that was an amusing one because I thought that was going to potentially be trouble for Michigan.

Hey, it wasn't. Wait, I thought we said Penn State was a bullshit team, which they are. They are. I just thought they were going to be bullshit in the bullshit in the troublesome way that they had no right to be kind of way. And that's actually kind of what they were because they made Michigan play way too long. They should have ended this after two quarters.

Complete bullshit team, Penn State. Complete. If we let LSU, and if we went to LSU and Penn State fans right now, and we said... We could do that. We can. They're on the call, potentially. And we said, okay, no questions asked,

ignore the financial implications of it. You can switch head coaches now. But you have to stick with them for the rest of the season. Like with each other? Yes, you have to stick with them for the rest of the season and, let's say, two more years. You have to stick it out two more years, James Franklin, the LSU head coach, Coach-Oh, Penn State Head Coach, which is either side saying no. I'm pretty sure both are saying no. Okay, talk me through that, though.

Matt Popeck on Twitter is going to say more Penn State fans will say no than LSU fans that's probably true I mean I don't why would they I guess it's a

I'm going to play the lawyer and throw it back at you how about that? Because you don't like okay so what's the knock on on James Franklin at this point that he makes bad in-game decisions, right? Yes.

Also what Holly said. Red Dead Rebillion, we're definitely going to talk about. A whole mess. Shut up. Get out of here. But, yeah. But Coach O. doesn't make in-game decisions. So, like, wouldn't be an issue, right? Okay.

We make one decision. The decision is to have a, have a, Big heart in our chest. I decided to fight. The coin toss, I liked to fight. The only decision we made today was to enter the stadium. I like that in the lead-up to this, the most like, holy shit thing was said by Nick Sabin.

About the coin toss. I missed that. What was that? Oh, let me find the exact quote. do everybody's this is the real full cast experience you're welcome yeah in case y'all were thinking we like edit out stuff and like no expressing astonishment that spencer and i have a mic do you know how hard we work to make the podcast sound like it does imagine if we didn't yeah yeah i don't the el well ryan looks that up all right all right go ahead yeah so um this is during his during next

Weekly Radio show, a caller called in, again, it's important that we give coaches access to the public like this to ask whether Bama was going to elect a kick or receive if they won the coin toss. This was like three days ago. And his reply was, to be honest with you, I hope we elect a kick ass is what I hope we do. Yeah. But then because he's Nick Savant, he said, but I usually don't really decide that until we get a little closer to the game, because we always take the weather into account. Because Nick Saban, obsessed with the weather. Because you never know if, like, it'll be, if the forecast will call for ass or not. Right, sure. Oh, it's going to be wet-up. I'm not kicking wet-ass. Gross. It just goes like. You used to do that in Michigan State. We played in, we played in wet conditions there.

and I got really upset because I kicked some wet ass and then it caused an infection. Players get infected in the mid-playing sign. Make their wet-ass quit. I made that wet-ass quid. Buy our t-shirt. Usually you pay double for that cotton. So quit asin.

God, damn it, Ryan. From Conway Tweety on Twitter, a podcast being a conference call is what every college coach thinks a podcast is. have entered, like, every college coach pretending they don't know what the internet is and saying, like, I don't get on the space face. Like, we are the ultimate parody of that right now. Can you fact your voice in?

Can we stop to explain? Should we stop to explain why we're doing this? Yeah, actually, we should because I feel bad for Ryan, which is a sensation that I'm uncomfortable with. Our feed's messed up and the technical question beyond our control. No, no. Do the thing. Do the actual explanation.

I think that is the actual explanation. Say it, you know. That is, yes. I mean, that's the best of it. So, yeah, if you don't know how podcasts work whatsoever, each podcast has a feed, which basically is what directs all the episodes to

all the places you listen to it. iTunes. Spotify, Google Podcast, whatever. And you can think of that feed, in this case, as like a sewer line. In this case, our primary sewer line is backed up. And it has been backed up for about two months. And those better and smarter than us within Vox Media know that. We have told them, hey, sewer line's all backed up.

We've got to do something about it. Now, I have been able to keep the flow going by... I going back and unpublishing old content, like 40 for 40 is from 2015 or something, basically plunging a little bit of, yeah, they still exist. They're just like not on the feed. And, you know, that has been enough to keep the flow going so we can get individual episodes out. Last week we found out that the plunger technique was no longer working. That's how backed up this sewer line is.

They have been trying to, and they, I mean, people who are not anyone on this show, have been trying to put in a second line, a clean line, if you will, and the success of that has been mixed, because some people did get the show last week, but if you listen to us and you use Apple Podcasts or iTunes or whatever, you probably didn't. We don't know when that's going to be fixed. therefore ass hattery yeah and last week in case you missed it

just to get our episode we recorded Tuesday night out before Saturday happened we Ryan sent it off for transcription posted it at EDSPS.com all what was it like 14,000 words or something like that yeah it was 11,000 words yeah yeah it was a damn whole right Thompson story and also

Father's and son. Father is a son. Sorry, that's a trigger for me. Podcast. Like his father before him. The Marinero, the most famous soccer arena in Mars. The man from New York City said the sewers were clogged. His daddy was dead.

And we also put our podcast saying, Play Nobody was gracious enough to let us crash their couch for that Friday. So we just threw an episode on there. And I intentionally listened to that one just to sort of try and immerse myself in like, what would it be like to be a person who expects to hear Bill Connolly say smart things and to also hear Stephen Godfrey. And to instead of it's Friday,

and they think they're getting a bonus episode. Yeah, they're thinking, like, oh, this will be fun. It's probably, like, you know, Bill is, like, interviewing someone. You know, Bill is, like, breaking down some key matchups. Bill is imparting wisdom, and, like, maybe Godfrey's there, too. And, like... Godfrey's screaming about everybody else who lives in Nashville, even though she was there. I can pay taxes there on purpose.

But instead, what they get is of... I made his wet-ass quit. Yeah, I forget what bullshit we were talking about from the jump. Oh, we were talking about, like, Sam Cassell's balls within the first, like, four minutes. Like, I'm sorry, man. And there was no explanation because we didn't know that was going to happen. And I assume PAPN, I assume they've explained it to their dear listeners by now. I haven't had a chance to listen to the episode today, but as of now,

everyone who is on this fleeting ephemeral call is caught up. Maybe someday we'll post this, but... It is not referred to at all, which is... Okay, perfect. Even better. Because Leah Goldman asked on Twitter how long this is going to take. If you think this show has ever had anything approximating like a run-of-show or an order or a set start or stop time, no. Yeah, so Leah, here's the behind-the-scenes thing.

Usually, if anyone mentions a show time on this or anything else you record, it's Spencer Singh. Yeah, I think we can get this done about half an hour. We have never gotten it done in about half an hour. The weird thing that I think a lot of people don't believe is that, and I actually thought that Spencer had to be wrong about this when he told me the first time, was that the longer these episodes are, the more downloads they seem to get? Not this one.

Not this one, though. What is wrong with y'all? It is pretty true. people do, I think people have a lot of time to waste. I also really like coffee cup suggestion that we should just do this at noon in the middle of people's work days. I think that's a great idea. So they can just be like, oh, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

I have a call. Yeah, maybe we just do a new podcast. It starts every Tuesday at noon. No, we do like Friday at noon, right? Yeah, we just call it a conference call. Yeah. Sorry, I got a conference call. Put it on your work calendar, yeah.

Let's actually talk about some football games. Most importantly, pit rises. I think you could start with PITS. Let's start with PIN. Is it not the most important result of the week? You know, this started as a goddamn joke, and now we're like, well, the first place team. Not just the first place team, but by ESPN puts out this metric. Basically, it's like a prediction percentage-wise about who they think is going to win the coastal week to week.

And Pitt's now like... I'm looking on Twitter says you sound matronly. Yeah, wasn't that burrito? Brothers. That's a compliment. You're the anchor of this family, Ryan. Yay, you all came from Aloyns. The Barbara Bush of this family.

You wouldn't find the bodies if Barbara killed somebody. That was Laura. Sorry. Apologies to Barbara Bush. But now, but now, Pitt is like a 47% chance to win the coastal. Like, it's significantly likely to happen. this is the only outcome that is funnier than the coastal ending in a tie of four and four for every team yes there's one version spiritually it's the same thing I think wherever where ever pit is four and four is implied yeah it's like there's one step across the international date line in either direction they're close enough to hold hands but there's one there's one other

possibility I want to throw out which is that Boston College beats Clemson and hangs on wins the Atlantic. Pit gets the coastal. Clemson out of the ACC Championship altogether. Neither Boston College nor Pitt makes the playoffs and Clemson does. Right. Yeah. As soon as that happens, Clemson is clutch. Nor Pitt makes the playoffs. Who saw that coming? I enjoyed that pit is now Thanosing itself. There is too much pit. There is not enough pit. Pit is perfectly balanced. Thanos had some good ideas. I would also like to discuss

All that for a drop of ketchup I'm going to tour around the ACC and you go man who talked about the ACC on a national show unless we're talking about Clemson if I'm talking about Clemson and about the team that they beat by what 68 points

it was it was a I remember looking back at the Sandman's picks and seeing that he took Louisville and the points and boy need it I feel like if you had doubled that spread, Louisville still doesn't cover. They would have at that point.

Okay, well, that's good at least. So Louisville had never given up 69 points in a game before. Do you know what happened? Louisville gave up way more than 69 points. They got the 69 and then they kept going. People listen to that live. Yeah. It's worse live, isn't it?

Let me let these numbers tumble. My God. Yeah, 77. I'm sorry. It was like, don't think Tabo's nice. Don't, okay? Because if you remember, how did his career get started? It got started with Dana Holgerson and the West Virginia Mountaineers putting up 70.

70. There were a lot of games before. There were a lot of games before. before that but yeah but that was the big like I masturbate too is what do you mean

we're not on mute whew that's a hair raid don't worry we'll get to West Virginia later don't worry speaking of speaking of erotic football

I had a real good weekend I don't know about the rest of you all but Yeah, that was how Debo got his start was before they started winning they actually lost in the Orange Bowl to... They took a billboard-worthy loss, a loss that you put on a billboard

because that's how embarrassing it is. Yeah, one where it was such a route of West Virginia wide receiver clocked the Orange Bowl mascot so hard that the mascot mock puked into a trash can and then gave the thumbs up. real high watermark for Opie in the orange bowl. And now he returns the favor against as hapless an opponent as possible,

who normally would be worthy of mercy. But somewhere, once they were up 70, right, once they hit 70, did they stop? No, they scored a touchdown. Who did they score two? Jason Kurt, please. In the Patrino voice, who did they score the last touchdown with? I don't think Petrino voice is appropriate when we're discussing fathers and sons. I can't do it.

Bobby just wants everybody to get the ball. There's nothing wrong with that. The fundamental problem with the Patrino voice is that Bobby Petrino's voice is in real life, incredibly unpleasant, and it sounds nothing like any of our Bobby Petrino voices, but that doesn't make them feel inaccurate. it? No, no. This, this, uh, the forecast exists in its own timeline. And so everything we say is true within that timeline. And if you're in the earth timeline and you're bringing facts from that into this, you are the, you're wrong actually. I just think it's, not weird. I think

it's kind of beautiful, actually, that we've created an entire other completely unpleasant experience. Just like listening to Bobby Petrino talk, which in real life makes your skin crawl just in a different direction. Yeah. So, fast forward. That last TD was scored.

From father to son. It was scored. No, he wasn't on the feet. God. Yeah. A daddy looked across the football field that day and saw his youngest boy

who'd been used only as a kickholder and decided it was his day to taste glory. Jason, if I pull up a random article from the New York Times, will you do a little... Please don't make it the one about white supremacists and cops. I really don't want to hear that.

No, he usually writes about Ole Miss, so that's nothing. I was going to find the closest thing I could find to the artisanal popcorn. Play the hits. Yeah, I mean, this is a work for. function, so whatever's put in front of me. This is from the vows column. We're hoping, by the way, to get a thousand people on this conference call just to see

if we can break it. What are we up to? Currently hanging on like more than 700. We're at 720. We're at 720 right now. You know, it vacillates when people get some common sense to go. But, you know, invite a friend, let somebody know, open up this on three or four laptops. If you're in an Apple store or a best buy, right?

rank them up, man. At 10 o'clock Eastern, yeah. And when Ryan said 720, he meant 720,000, just in case Popeyes is listening. Yeah. And you're currently robbing in Apple's the door, and we hope you are. Oh, here's a guide to squash. Yeah. Just send that over to Jason, and we'll get to that.

See if we can get a thousand people in here and meltdown free conference call.com. I'd love to hear that. Let's do it by talking about the end of it. liberating the conference call. I do have a transition, though. Jason, do you want this fire? Oh, God. Sorry.

Can everyone mute? Yeah, just mute. Can everyone mute? I do want to see what, how you feel about this, because there's a lot to choose from here. West Virginia beat Texas this weekend. They beat them on the final play of the game.

They beat them by going for two with very little time left on the clock and getting it. What a disgusting combination. Holly, Holly, focus. No, I sent the squash thing to Jason. I sent it to his cheese shop. I'm about to make her focus.

What, ew. Because I'm about to talk about Will Greer in the West Virginia Mountaineers. Yeah, see? I have your attention now. What was the, this is from Brim and Keezy, because I'll attempt to answer questions as we'd go from people on Twitter.

You showed up live. if we might as well take your questions. You fools. This is from Bremen Casey. What was the best moments in the last moments for Will Greer? The touchdown dime or the guns down celebration? Okay, so the touchdown dime was beautiful. The two-point conversion was great because he made it twice.

He threw a pass to, I believe, David Sills. That timeout was called shortly before by Tom Herman. Nice job, Tom. Now here I wish that Dana had just called the same play again. They did. That's the thing, right? I'm setting you up. I'm being theatrical.

Oh, thank, thank you. You're a good improv partner, you dickwagon? Yes, and I'll say, yes. Yes, and you, dickbag. Thank you, Ryan. So anyway, fellow dickwagon Dana Holgerson called the same play because they had a, come on, man. Like, if you have Dana Holgerson, hey, are you a dickwagon?

He'd be like, oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Hell yeah. I'm an 18 wheeler dickwagon. That's what's up. That's what your Aunt Carol had to say. Extended cab. I don't have an Aunt Carol.

Oh, sorry. You do now, Sport. What does that mean? So they called the play, same play twice. The best part was they changed the defense to counter the throw, because thinking, this is the best. They changed the defense because they completed a one-on-one pass for the conversion.

So they put a guy like in that curlstone over in the flat to guard against the slant thinking, you know what, Dana Holerson's a dickwagon. He might call this again the exact same thing. They're right. Yeah, I'm a dickwagon. And they did call the same play, but it was an RPO. And Will Greer just scooted in on a QB draw.

That's still not the best moment. though because there is footage afterwards they were penalized afterwards for doing the horns down which as we all know is the big 12th way of causing everyone's feelings dishonoring America's cow troops that's what it was

cows have fought in all of our wars pissing off big cow big cow just writing it into the big to my favorite I said that this was like I was just tired of them cobbling Texas's feelings I go well you know if they do it for other hand singing too okay So it's an entire conference

full of sensitive mimes. The Big 12. A bunch of tetchy mimes. How dare you hand-jiving my... Don't mess with my precious semaphore. Well, not hand-jive in my house, sir. My agricultural hand puppetry is precious to me. Screw all of you.

We're the ones who get to turn our hands into a cow's head. Yeah, but like I said, You know how many people gator chomp when they kick field goals on us, all right? This is my fingers are horn. Do you're another school whose hand gesture being done sarcastically results in a goddamn penalty? A Texas Tech player, or Texas did the guns down. I see them doing that all the time. I've never seen a flag called on that.

Yeah. I mean, it does happen, but like the horns down gets flagged in the Big 12, which is the stupidest. It would be dumb in any conference, okay? If you flag someone for doing the Gator Chomp, and recently you could flag quite a few players for that. It'd be done. Such as Mizzou. Mizzou.

Such as Mizzou. Just line it up to do it. Doing a chachaw line of Gator Choms. I think when you go to Ole Miss and you're the visiting team and you do something good, you should mind putting money back into your wallet. Wait, no, no. What if you're a lady and your boyfriend

is carrying your purse. Jason, we have an audible for your Wright-Thompson voice request from Intrepid reader, Sage Gunner, 47, who wants you to read the passage from the David Brooks column about fancy sandwich meat and texted it to you. Good. Go ahead and take a look at that,

and I will finish the Will-Grearer story. No, those are not the best wheel-of-ear moments because the best Will-Grearer moment coming off the sidelines one of his teammates was doing it and someone, you can hear someone from the stands in Texas go, hey, fuck you!

Look a good. Hold on, hold on, did you see this from the smoking musket, our West Virginia blog? No. All right. This is a quote from Dana Holgerson, I assume after the game. We got some hand signs too that we can throw up, Holgerson said.

There's a hand signal that looks like the state of West Virginia that we could be flashing left and right out. How the fuck? Yeah. What are you ripping that hard that you can twist your fingers? John Wall can't pull that off. It's the most fucked up shape in all of borders.

Oh, you're not familiar with this. Oh, you're not familiar with this gag, Jason. Because if you shoot someone the bird, it really does look like the state of West Virginia. Yeah, I'm just trying to literally, literally create. Oh, you're trying to crib it up. You're trying to. Yeah, don't ask the song about. Yeah, don't let me be seen.

doing this, because I'm probably, I'm probably set-tripping off overall. You got, you got to keep your thumb out when you do it. You got to do it, what, righty, I guess? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, when you, uh, so the guy from the stands out, fuck you. And Will Greer turns around and goes, hey, fuck you! It does the horn down again as he's walking off. Fuck them, man, fuck them. And that's where I remind you, where did Will Greer start his career at the university?

of Florida. I'm so proud. Recently, I took a friend with only a high school degree to lunch. Insensitively, I led her into a gourmet sandwich shop. Suddenly, I saw her face freeze up as she was confronted with

sandwiches named Padreno and Pomodoro, and ingredients like soprasata, Capricolo, and Astriata baguette. I quickly asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else and she anxiously nodded

yes. And we ate Mexican. Thank you, right. Speaking of Mexican, you all heard about this new SEC coach. I have a theory I'm going to unveil for you here. Did David Brooks go to Northwestern? Man, he should have.

Actually, it's worse. Oh, Jesus, that was close. He went to the University of Chicago. I was joking. You know, so really, like, he was taught that children should be used as fuel. Yep. I have a new theory. I have a new Auburn-related theory, if I'm allowed to share it with y'all.

Ooh, please. Auburn has two coaches, and this is sort of in a Steve Urkel, Stefan, or Kell, kind of way. When Auburn loses or when Auburn just looks like shit on offense or when they're just sort of bumbly-stumbly, when it's a fire Gus year, it's important that that's a Gus year. Because Gus Malzahn, he loses those games. He has those bad seasons. You know who wins the big games for Auburn?

Who wins the kick-six? Who brings the team to a national championship game who takes him to the SEC championship, all that shit? That's Gustavo! Gustavo win the big Gustavo win the big games Gustavo

That's odd Gustavo Gustavo make The most passionate love In all of Auburn, Alabama Gustavo It's Italian So it can't be racist

You know Do you know how much differently I would feel That Gus Melz-on If he just one day Said Now I'm going by Gustavo which is his middle name

Gus is like my favorite name too because like in real life it's always the name I give in my head to really fat bees that are buzzing around my garden but what is yeah but Gustavo where's the andolier out to the field

and that's racist imagine how fat a bee named Gustavo would be is what we're saying maybe Jolly and you know what nothing about Godmelt on is jolly and this is I think the worst result of the weekend I know you think

oh LSU losing to Alabama is bad no man everything since 2011 this is old hat they just put those pants on one leg at a time right L-O-S pants on got my lost pants on they wore them to the game

they knew it was going to happen everything good that happens in LSU Alabama in the modern era happens before the ball is ever kicked. So really, anything positive that happens in that game at all, all, right? Like limiting Bama to under 30 points. Way to go. That's a victory.

How many did you score? Zero. That's a form of perfection. Take the positives out of this, if you can, LSU. That's not the worst result of the weekend, okay? Penn State losing to Michigan as badly as they did, not even the worst result. Because I think Penn State fans knew they were kind of a Potemkin village.

A little bit of an illusion, a mirage on the horizon. That, when approached, turned out to be nothing more than shadow and positive thoughts. Now, the worst loss on this weekend is undoubtedly Auburn winning. Okay? That's the worst loss, because now you can't have the absolute certainty of being 100% done with Gus Malzahn, because all anyone at Auburn wants right now is to be done with Gus Malzon. They don't want this off-the-mat bullshit. Viva guzano

never No, no Nunca Oh my God This is our new love Chronicus And why does it always Come out of Arkansas

Always comes out All the crazy Always comes out of Arkansas Okay And the almost Undead The hard to kill The inexplicably resilient

Gus Melzon Hales on Hales from the state itself And Auburn They can't They can't Get rid of him

They can't Unless, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, unless, hold on, what if he takes the Kansas job just despite Houston not? But hang on, hang on, hang on. Because I googled Mitch Mustaine, and he looks just like Rick Muckles now. Spencer, tell me I'm wrong. Oh, my God. What was the date of all the game against Texas A&M in which Gus Malzahn? Gustavo Malzahn emerged, reborn, renewed from the grave?

That would be Saturday and November. November 3rd. Do you know the day on which in this year Dia de los Mueros

ended the night before the dead man walks among us Oh man He remembers You are just

Unpoco Ain't no grave Go hold me Yeah This is terrible This is bad If you go man can I pick the worst outcome for both teams this this was this was as bad as it could get

because now I don't know there's a thread there's a tiny little skein of possibility that Gus Melzon is hanging on even though everyone in Auburn can't stand him he probably can't stand anyone at Auburn if he actually has any human emotions whatsoever he's kind of a John McEvic territory minus sort of abusey side as far as we know yeah it's not good it's bad and in addition to that on the other side, yeah, Texas A&M gets to look at Jimbo and be like, 70 million, huh? No, 70 million. A&M's fine.

Texas lost. Who? I'm sorry. Who? Who? This is the same reason every school in the state of Florida is fine. They all lost, so. As long as none of us mix it out this bucket.

Hey, I just wanted you guys to know that when we say who in talking about them, our bottom lips are not trembling. I'm not in love. Yeah. It's like a, no. It's just a silly phase I'm going through. Boo! Yeah. This is a great conference call.

So, fantastic. This is the best conference call you'll ever be on. Damn it. So, yeah, that was. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very, very, very low bar. But we're leaping. We're leaping all the way over.

We do have a request to unmute all the lines for just a few seconds. I think we should unmute all the lines at the end of this call. You make it all the way to the end of this call. And then you can just hang out and scream. It'll sound like that thing where you play every Dragon Force song at once. That's my favorite. Yeah, it'll sound like that. The Portal to Hell video.

Event Horizon, the conference call. That's what this will be. Speaking of a portal to hell. Speaking of clawing your eyes out, Minnesota gave up 55 points to Illinois. And did my favorite thing ever, you give up 55 to Illinois, and what happens the next day? We fired the defensive coordinator. You give up 55 to a Big Ten West team and fire your defensive coordinator. But in your –

What do you might be invincible, y'all. He might be a demigod. But in his state, in PJ Flex's statement about that firing, he's still called said defensive coordinator, an elite man. Not coach. Elite man. Yeah, you gave up 55 to Illinois, Minnesota. You know, you know who else wrote a boat? Henry Hudson?

That's who else wrote a boat. How'd that end for him? All things are. end. I don't know. Yeah, I don't, come on. He didn't, he didn't make it. He didn't make it. Oh, well. Did he give me 55 to Illinois? He, you know, he froze

to death, which is actually not as bad. Well, if you're in Minnesota, and you don't mind that at all. No, Diet of exposure, that's a goal. Now I'm a dilly bar. All I ever wanted to be. You know? Eater of world, that sounds

delicious. O'I and I were talking the other day, we weren't, men don't talk. We were drinking brandy next to each other. That sounds right. That's how men talk. Yeah, quietly. Not like those hoodlums from Wisconsin. With the weird accent.

They're so weird. I can't understand anything they're sure. So, yeah, that's, Illinois. scored 55, but again, because PJ Fleck is a responsible coach, he fired the guy who gave up 55 to a Big Ten West team, as Jason pointed out. I also have an apology to issue to Jason because I doubted the Sandman's lock this week. Yeah, it wasn't close. Sorry about that. No, that's fine. I mean, the Sandman is, he doesn't profess to go 100%.

professors to kick the shit out of those scumbags in Las Vegas from which he's banned every week. That's all. That's all. Hey, South Carolina scored 48 points in a single football game. I have no further comment. I would point out that 48 points is how you spell 4 and 8. Just a little Will Must Jam joke.

Why are you hurting yourself? Who put, yeah, who did they put them up on? Ole Miss. Ole Miss. The land sharks. Land shark defense. I like it because it's becoming more accurate where you're like, oh man, what if we threw

11 sharks out on the turf? Yep, they're just flopping around and die. Swapping around. A couple of Chinese fishermen cutting their fins off. They can't do a thing about it. It can be made into a medicinal soup. Wow, they were dead in 30 minutes. Well, they can't make it from 1-900.

We can charge people. No, it's not a dollar 1-900 fullcast. Come talk to us now. Sam, Memphis. Yeah, we're charging all y'all by the minute. Yeah. Yeah, that's Ole Miss. All-Miss is 1 and 4 in the SEC, by the way.

So, Matt Luke? Lat Luke. Yeah, in case you go, man, what do I know about Matt Luke? Nothing you need to know. I'll tell you what I know about Matt Luke, which is that he looks like a my buddy and me doll is the microwave for 15 seconds. Can we talk about the big missed opportunity the NCAA had when they decided to... So they lifted a bunch of old missed sanctions, I think all recruiting related.

But they didn't lift the bull ban, which I think they should have said, okay, you're five and four. And you've got A&M on the road. You've got A&M on the road at Vanderbilt, which is a game you could be dumb enough to lose. And the Egg Bowl. Go get it. it. Go see if you can get it. When is Old Miss folded under pressure before?

They'd be fine. I was like, did they list the sanction of them being Old Miss? That's really the ultimate sanction oldness faces every year, isn't it? No one can do that but God. God has nothing to do with Old Miss football. Lost their number a long time ago. I don't know her. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

Who? Oh, Eli's on the Giants. I stopped watching them, too. Yeah, that's it. My special boy, Peyton, is hanging out with Satan himself, Brad Paisley. We're still close. I mean, you know, you go through things with people. We've only got eternity to figure the rest of it out. Are there any other games y'all want to hit before we just turn the conference call into unmitigated disaster? Yeah, I wanted... Talk about West Virginia some more?

We can, but I want to mention one thing. about Army Air Force. Two things, actually. Jesus Christ. Okay. No, no, no, no. No. No. We need to talk about this because these guys are going to be in charge of extraordinary renditions as soon as next year, depending on what class they're in. Okay. Yeah. And you can't even extraordinary rendition a bird. So, so first of all, Army abducted the ball for 21 plays, 75 yards of offense, and a

touchdown covering 12 minutes and 55 seconds of game time. to open the game against Air Force. That was really well done. That was coordinated, and you took something that you were given custody of. You held onto it for a prolonged amount of time, Army, and you moved it to where it was going to be safe and achieved the goal.

Then Army cadets allegedly kidnapped the bird. The falcon, the mascot of Air Force. Last significant story involving the Air Force mascot. It was a Navy goat, wasn't it? No, this is not the Navy goat. The last significant story involving the Air Force Falcon was when it escaped during the Independence Bowl and was found sitting on a building in downtown Shreveport,

presumably smoking. Because it's Shreveport. You see that? I'd be crazy not to smoke. I'm losing money by not, man. Losing money by standing here is not inhaling it. Wasn't it Air Force Georgia Tech? That bird's leg, I've seen this fucking game three times already this year.

If I see one more fold back guy, God damn it, I got a lineup of a heater right now. I watch spring practice, all practice. So good when it hits your lungs. So, yeah, they're unfiltered. what am I on America so that was the last story involving them no this is this is actually like somewhat

it's only morbidly funny how's that I hope the bird is okay because in kidnapping the bird the bird was severely injured somehow I think it's not funny at all they're going to have to do this to people next year I think clearly what we must

infer from this is that the bird was withholding information. It's simply enhanced interrogation. The bird, I think a report came out today that the bird is expected to be okay. This doesn't exactly let the dumbass, whoever did the dumbass

kids off the hook, but... My remaining question, I guess, being how can you tell when you need to euthanize a falcon? When it's up by 25 points. Falcon. Yeah. When it's up by 25 points. And I'm seen.

All right. Yeah. I'm going to unmute the conference line. If that's, last chance, if anybody really wants to talk about anything else. I want to talk about Duke. Arizona State could win the Pac-12 South. Arizona State will win the Pac-12 South.

Booking. All right, here we go. Nope. All right. Oh, Jesus. I'm not going to bother finding Spencer and Jason. So if you called in, thanks for doing that. We'll try to fix this stupid podcast.

Or I don't know, I'll just walk into the river, never return. See y'all.