Shutdown Fullcast - What's the dumbest fight you've ever witnessed?

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

We talk about the stupidest fights we've ever seen. Then, we review a simply incredible list of reader submitted fights including: --Soldiers staging a multi-room brawl over a ham sandwich --Tussling over the rules of...hacky-sack? --A man fighting for his right to eat old beef There's also a discussion of how to license mobile hot tubs, what Mike and the Mad Dog would have made of League of Their Own, and we figure out which school is Satanic Hogwarts with a skate park.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

From Lally P.B. My roommates got into a fist fight, arguing about whether or not Gina Davis's character dropped the ball on purpose at the end of a league of their own. Which one of you was arguing that she didn't? I want to fight you myself. So you're, so that's, you, you come from the place of she did drop the ball on purpose. There's no other place. Okay.

I'm just, I'm just clarifying that that's your stance. Apparently there is, because there's one person out there who would still like to pick this fight. Who believes that Lori Petty generated the force to jar the ball loose from a Gina Davis who was trying to... Her character arc was completed. She was trying to give her sister a win. It was the last best gift she could give her sister before they were separated again. I'm sorry there. What if she choked?

What if she choked? we are in a fight now i'm sorry i thought this would be funnier we can cut this do you think do you like do you think she told her teammates that's what she did no let me let me put it this way if if you were gina davis and you carry this different that that character doesn't have that level of egotism but if you but how long could you carry this around before like eventually you're going to get into a different fight with your sister and you're going to say Oh yeah well I fucking drop that ball Oh let me be clear

I'm not Gina Davis I would hold this for Maximum impact and bring it up like 20 years later Like on their deathbed Like whisper it Wow Or at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony Oh that'd be good Oh look there's the ball I dropped on purpose

Because I'm stronger than you And better at baseball Always was always will be Go peaches The movie definitely wants you to believe She dropped the ball on purpose like they very it's it's very clearly like that's what they that's the story they want yes i don't see how any other reading of the movie as a text is possible i would now pay ten thousand dollars to hear

mad dog rousseau and mike francesa reunite i would no way no way by those dames no way those dizzy dames it completed a character arc mad dog it was beautiful what was the movie they watched together? They watched the horse whisperer she had to do it

she had to do it no the actual quote was they're sitting there and mad dog goes she had to do it and very thoughtfully

and gravefully Mike Princess nods his head and goes it was the right call dog it's the right

it's the best thing ever published in the New Yorker and it is about these two fucking morons wait this was in

the New Yorker It wasn't in the New Yorker. It's sublime. I can't believe I've never showed this to you. Oh, my God. Yeah. And so, when I read it, I had to put it down because I was crying, laughing for five minutes straight. It's really quite funny.

Yeah. Oh, my God. But yeah, just the two of them discussing league of their own. They're like, glory, petty. Yeah, she's not a five tool player. Not a five tool player. But what a dame. I mean, she's scrappy.

I'll give me that. That Rosie O'Donnell, though. All those curves And me with nobles. Welcome to the shutdown Welcome to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the shutdown fullcast. You are listening to the

internet's only college football podcast i am spencer hall joined by my co-host jason kirk hello jason hi how are you i'm good thank you for asking how's your how's your week going buddy oh it's going pretty good so far um a little bit a little bit of gray sky out here but we're persevering it's not quite hoodie weather looks like it doesn't feel like it though don't be yeah we're i think we got to we got into false false fall no we've been through cowards fall cowards fall and now we are in summer 3.0 summer 3.0 it was kind of a it was like

shuddy weather like should should I put on a hoodie oh I thought you were making a shirzy hoodie combination like if we had one of those thin hoodies made of jersey material oh I like that's the thin hoodie the real real thin hoodie that's the perfect garment I wish that they were more popular like nationally because really that would be all

we needed here shouldies season i like it the other voice you are hearing is our perpetual guest host holly anderson i haven't been a guest for months why are you erasing me i'm sorry just like in real life just like in real life holly anderson hi holly how are you i was better a few minutes ago but then the podcast started i'm literally tethered to you by metal cords tethered by metal chords, not tethered to me by metal cores, but by bonds of emotion, too strong to break. Counselor Ryan Nanny. Didn't we almost have it at all?

I would actually prefer to be called guest host because I feel it gives me a level of legal distance that might come in handy down the room. Plausible deniability. Oh, no, you're in this. We've been through this. You're a lawyer, so everything we say here is protected. That's right. including the listeners the listeners the listeners everything that they're saying back to us in their cars

in their homes uh wherever they're listening to this out in the wilderness which who knows after you end this podcast which could be right now who's to say um someone could end this podcast i want you to google crime fraud exception that's it ooh again you are your own attorney remember that's the most powerful attorney you have Don't say anything. Look up crime fraud exception. Do your own research. Ryan, has there been,

have you or anyone you loved been hit or harassed or damaged by a pedal-based form of entertainment and bar in Nashville? No. Are there pedal tavern lawyers? I'm telling him, this is this is a sideline. You need to be a pedal tavern lawyer. Yeah, it beats being a blogger. Am I, am I working for the pedal tavern? Or am I working for those accosted by them?

You could chase an ambulance pretty easily if it was a pedal tavern. If it was petal. I think you're making your own reign by establishing two law firms, bankrolling the other one, and ginning up an entire economy of pedal tavern-related lawsuits. So one is pedal prosecution and one is pedal crime defense? Yes. I mean, the city recently filed a lawsuit to shut down the hot tub pedal tavern. I don't think that one's a pedal tavern.

but it is a, like, mobile hot tub. Wait, are you trying to tell me somebody was running an unlicensed mobile hot tub? I believe that's right. Yeah, I believe that is right. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, I want to stop. Holly, did you say hot tub crime machine? I did, thank you.

I love you and I cherish you. Thank you. From three. Is Nashville just, like, lazy Vegas? Like, just sit and wait and just sit and wait and this, like, half-ass debauchery will roll past you, and you can climb on. Can I tell you my favorite fact that's like 10 years old?

Although I'm sure it's still true. Do you know where the top three highest concentration, like in the world, the top three highest concentrations of either like physical weddings chapels or weddings performed per year are? One is Vegas, which you can probably guess. Two is Istanbul, or at least it was at the time.

Three is Gatlinburg. Huh. So the idea that I have in mind, is that you converge from wherever you are in the Midwest on Nashville for your bachelor party and then you just continue marauding east like a parade of locust that has monogram decals in your back window

basically can I tell you a little bit about the hot tub I would I want to hear nothing but hold all my calls while you do this okay I'm gonna I'm gonna summarize it as best I can there is there is a

there is one of the traveling Bachelor slash Bachelorette Bacchanalia devices is called Music City Party Tub Wait, dudes do this? I thought this was a lady's only process. I think this, no, I think some of these are like dudes and ladies. Do they have seat belts on the ones for dudes? I have concerns. I don't know, actually.

I just want to know how many dudes rented it and they were just like, all of a sudden, they're like, yeah, so we got eight dudes in a hot tub. This is nowhere near as entertaining as we wanted. it to be. Oh, disagree. So the city's lawsuit alleges that Music City Party Tub, just a wonderful phrase to say, is operating illegally without a public swimming pool permit, but it also is not registered with the state and does not have a business license. And basically what they say happened is, in 2019, the proprietor of this submitted, like was told by the health department, And like, all right, submit some design plans for your mobile hot tub, apply for this permit, whatever.

They had somebody go and inspect the trailer that has a hot tub on it and give, and they gave him a list of things that had to be done before they would give him a permit. And then he just never showed up. He never came back and he just started rolling around town in his hot tub, in his mobile hub. They can't catch him. They can't find him? no well clearly discovered a Nashville Philly portal we have somewhere yeah yeah except here's slips backs to Pennsylvania as soon as he turns the corner here's the key difference in Philly they would just say this is illegal and that's why I like it this guy claims that his hot tub

is 50 gallons short of the minimum capacity for a public pool that sounds like an insult that you would whisper to somebody at like a family reunion he's 50 gallons short 50 gallon short hot tub and he's going bald too bless his heart but the but the city is like that requirement doesn't that exemption doesn't exist you just made it up well what is the

like how big is this swimming what is how big I think it has to do more with like how you're using something versus how big it is but who swims in a hot tub isn't this legislative okay I have a serious question yeah doesn't this fall under the Doesn't this fall under the same general umbrella of legislating intent that gets us into philosophical hot water with legislating hate crimes?

No pun intended. Because ultimately what you're legislating here is intent, right? I guess so. Yeah, I guess it is about like what is the intended use of your, so you're saying it would be perfectly fine if this gentleman had Music City Party tub, but it was just for him. and because he has decided to make it a business, he has crossed the line. Wait, wait, wait. It's not a, it's not a swimming pool. It's a wet chair.

Yeah. What if it was just like, hey, I have a private club. I drive around and I sell memberships to my friends to sit in my web chair. All right, all right, does it matter? Trademark, by the way, trademark. Does it matter? Does it matter that he has a hashtag on the back of the, on the back of the vehicle? that says Splashville.

Anybody could have put that there. Yeah. Can't he just argue, this is my bus and it has rained? Of all the places to argue for the existence of rogue bands of ladies, wandering around town with their cricket machines,

just plastering decals on everything. Nashville's the strongest case. Splashville, by the way, it's an old family name. We're French. Splashby. I don't see what's wrong with having a very leaky bus But I mean I want to be clear

This is not He didn't just like Put a tarp up in some ways to Like it's a literal hot tub So and then it was filled with rain It's not his fault What if we Turn off the heat on the thing

Fill it with fish Give everyone hooks And lures And rods And we turn it into a floating fishing pond, aka like the livest well imaginable.

I like that we've come back to live wells where there should not be live wells, like three episodes in a row. I love this energy. What could go wrong, by the way, with getting a bunch of idiots who would party in Nashville on a Friday night hammered and handing them hooks they can send flying

through the air? What if we use the little magnet fish and give them that little And no one can be harmed. And additional potential of electrocution, which I like. What if we go the other way and give everyone spear guns? Harpoon guns. Hey, we're going harpooning from a bachelor party.

It's going to be awesome. Five hours later. Charlin said, don't ever fight a crying woman with a harpoon gun entering a sports bar. And we're about to test that theory. That's the last time you do that to me, Randy, son of a bitch. right anyway you've given us a lot you've given us a lot to thought to think you're welcome um you know Nashville they say they're business friendly but then they tell you that you got to get a license for your hot tub on a truck and it's like show me in the

constitution show me in the commerce clause it ain't there hot tub is not in the constitution i look frequently interstate commerce clause for a reason this is Broadway right this is the inner tube commerce cost nailed god I hope that exists this is like you've brought so much to the show this week Ryan because this wasn't even

what you wanted to talk about to start the show you have an existential issue that wasn't the existential issue no this isn't the existential I just assumed this was it okay no my existence is perfectly fine outside of Nashville party pool so I

I tweeted a pointless tweet that's not the important thing. I said that I thought the bridesmaid dresses in the Fansville commercial where they have the wedding, I was like, I think those actually look very nice.

I think like that's, of bridesmaid dresses I have seen, like it's a pretty nice color, looks good on people, looks good on like a wide range of people. There's no weird silhouettes. Right, right.

I'm like, I think that, you know, throw away meaningless, whatever. And then Dr. Pepper responded to me and said, if it was up to us that'd be the color of the wedding dress are they calling Natalie a tramp

sure I mean are they saying that Natalie is a tramp but they were overruled by some kind of power over Dr. Pepper who has more power than Dr. Pepper that's my question so that's my that's where I'm really getting tripped up because it's like it is up to Dr.

like unless Dr. Pepper is telling us that Fansville is a simulation spun out of their control where they cannot dictate. With our help. Right. And I'm like... I mean, this was basically our...

We basically manifested Fansville lore into the real world on our own. But... So who controls it now? So you have like... It's kind of a matrix situation, right? Where they're bringing... They're trying to define the Neo

who can reset the whole thing. The color of the dresses, it's like the color of a Dr. Pepper can. It's that dark red. right yeah yeah yeah and on the wedding dress also she does have the jersey stripes down the side the very nice the very nice accent so what they're saying is if it were up to them that color would be on the the bridal dress entire I that appears to be the case yeah but it's not up to them who is it up to well it could I mean why wouldn't it just be up to her she said no

Dr. Pepper, I do my own research. I don't listen to doctors. But see, even in that, this woman within the Dr. Pepper universe, whom we love, she's our favorite character, you're saying that she now has free will. Right. Of course, they all did all along.

You're saying everyone in the Dr. Pepper universe has free will and are making these choices of their own volition? Did we think they were animatronics all along? Controlled via Dr. Pepper mind machines. Listen, this is going to make me sound really stupid, but I thought they were actors.

Until now. No. They do these performances live 100 times per Saturday, over and over. Eddie George actually is animatronic, though. There really is a Stephen King story that lines up almost exactly with this, and it's called, You know, they got a hell of a band. This is terrifying. It's about literal rock and roll heaven being a tourist trap town on a lonesome high.

highway that you get lost on and all the dead rock and rollers are trapped there performing forever what what i see here is dr pepper wanted her dress to be a certain color and she rejected the patriarchy she elected the the dress that she uh that she wanted that's actually a very canny feminist inversion of insisting upon uh the insisting upon the color so associated uh you know with with purity and all of the you know all of the baggusting that has come with that throughout the centuries so maybe she's like she's like I'm definitely not a virgin but I will wear this dress fuck you well and also it has red accents like that clearly indicates I am my own person this might have been a

dress inherited from a grandmother or something but it has no it hasn't her grandmother's dress was also football themed because this is fans feel like so she also decided to have Joe Thysman at her calling her wedding yes so that he could be tackled just wisdom across the board by her right yeah so what does dr pepper control at this point i think that's is that the overall story dr pepper's losing control has fansville broken contain did they control the portal through which fansville now like basically do they just control the windows did the transfer portal and appearing in fansville work a little too well are there immutable laws of the fans like is the so there's the lysine contingency in

Jurassic Park where the dinosaurs have given lysine or they will die is Dr. Pepper the lysine uh I feel so bad that Felder's not here right now is Dr. pepper the lysine of the fansville human population you know listener out there if you are interested in seeing the first work of fiction to develop a fully functioning rule for physical active transfer portals uh that that work their way in and out of a college football themed universe sinful 7.com. Thank you. It was a year ago. It's okay. It's okay. A year and a half ago. It's okay.

Still good, far as I can tell. Still good. Still works. Dr. Pepper doesn't control that either. There's no Dr. Pepper in it because they couldn't afford us. The color of the cover suggests that it's within the extended universe, doesn't it? That's true. Makes you think. Anyway,

Dr. Pepper, come throw us some fucking sponsorship money, you cowards. Seriously, the amount of, the amount of emotional labor that we have thrown this sentient soda brand of again our own free will Actually I'm going to bypass The fake powers at Dr. Pepper Oh wait we have

Yeah just just like the brat The puppet government At Dr. Pepper User bend to mouth suggestion Has a suggestion for Our slogan for when Dr. Pepper picks up a sponsorship of this show which is 23

flavors 23 flavors and about 25 snakes 24 flavors of snake Maybe Hey you know what Jason that sounds like you're doing a little bit of Podcast business Yeah

What's that sound Podcast business What's that business? Podcast business It's a business Podcast business With the business It's the stuff we do to make money

To feed our dogs and cats and stuff I'll get to a second verse. Home field apparel. They got shirts with dogs and cats and stuff. So many dogs and cats. As they've noted, dogs and cats are very popular shirts. Their number two shirt of Big New Saturday was a dog playing golf. Number one was also an animal, if I recall correctly.

A lot of alligators performed very well. Yeah. Mm-hmm. We also, our Tampa listeners got very upset at me in particular last week because I did not acknowledge that USF, despite not being part of Big New Saturday, is now part of the homefield family. So if you want to get a very top heavy bull standing on its two high, on its two back legs, looking like it's ready to like fight and hug you, the traditional form of Tampa greeting, you can get that now. Fight hug. Yeah. Go golden diamonds.

It is a sick logo. Like that 90s USF logo, is heat? That's good. I like the Rombus bank logo one. Like the very bank logo is the only way can describe it. That is a very Tampa thing. That USF, they're like, what does our logo look like? You're like, a really tough, nasty bank.

Dirty bank. Dirty bank. It's a very, very important thing. It is the most comfortable. dirty bank shirt you will ever wear this bank you can still smoke in welcome to 2021 why are you keep coming up with awesome business you have no license for your bank you can smoke in ryan i'm sorry i thought this was america and for some reason it's like a tractor i roll around nashville welcome to smoking bank pedal bank hot tub bank we got wet money and cigarettes

We got wet crypto. Hot tub dimes machine. You look like you had a bad... You look like you had a bad day at the beach, brother. Do you need to lay low somewhere? Come to Tampa smoking bags. Lay in the back of a hot tub. Your wanted stars will go down so quickly.

Cops can't see you underwater if it's warm. It's got healing properties. You know who can't see in the hot tub? predator. Predator has no idea where he are. Predator's like damn it, he disappeared and he also appears to be so relaxed. I'm detecting immense relaxation and invisibility.

Yeah. Petter just wanted to go to Jason Aldean's bar, but instead do it! Do it! Buy me a yard of beer! Buy me a huge cartoonist drink. Holly's physical revulsion to this is the correct response. No, it's just so loud, he's in my monitor.

Just do the tiny donkeys thing again. Tiny donkeys in the hot tub with me, the wet chair and my tiny donkeys. Wet donkeys. My tiny donk and the tiny donkeys. I would, listen, I'm not that interested in Lower Broad. I would go down to Broadway for Arnold Schwarzenegger's tiny donkey honky tonk. We're going to donkey talking.

I need, can we take an intermission? I need to cry. I need to cry because this is so beautiful. This isn't even what the show is about today. Home field apparel. Home field apparel. Oh yeah, you use offer code fullcast. You get 20% off your first order.

That's right. And maybe honky tonk, tiny donkey will make its appearance there at some point. Because I'm a donkey talk man. And I don't know where to stop. to hear the little sound of their hooves when they go clipclubs. It's the fuck, man.

Yeah. I didn't think I'd, like when I started this day, I didn't think I'd end up singing Dwight Yolkham and Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. Shout out to Colorado School of Mines. The original donkey tongue school. You know what you could put into the jukebox at Arnold's tiny donkey honky tonk.

That's right. Money. You can put money. Your retirement account. Your whole retirement. Put the entire retirement account into it. Why retire in a retirement home when you can retire in Arnold's roving donkey hot tub? Acorns.com by Joe D. Messina 58,000 times and leave.

Slash full cast, where if you go to the thing and download the thing, you get $5. She thinks my donkey's sexy. You can retire a few seconds earlier with those $5, plus the money you add to those $5. that then multiplies via market magic. You know, with the demise of the bad boy, mowers bulb, we can use our retirement accounts to find, to found our own line of tractors and lawn equipment, John Donk.

Their crimson. For wide-hipped men. According to the app, I will still be working at age 83, but I have a feeling that we're whittling it down. That's right. I will rest my bones on the mower in the donkey tub that is traveling throughout Nashville while I bank.

I mean, Acorns also hasn't taken into account the money you're going to see from your competing hot tub pool business. Yeah, or from your competing children who can both have their own early start accounts under the early plan. Let me give you the score this week. Oh, we've had some motion, y'all, okay, because my, as you're familiar, my younger son has been embezzling from his account and making his own investments. Right now, we are down to the lowest margin yet. Wow. Yeah, older son, older son,

the law abiding one. The reckoning. Is catching up. Now, this means one of two things has happened. One, either my younger son is siphoning off money from his account slowly, like a gas leak, so that I won't notice it until it's too late. Or the older son has figured out how to do crimes now and is catching up that way. Because the margin is now... Am I wrong in saying he would... He would tell you if he had figured out how to do crime.

I'm committing crimes. Yeah. Okay. All right. So let's just rule that one out. Unless he doesn't know it's a crime. Hmm. Yeah.

Unless I get... Unless I put down my headphones today and go over and he immediately says, says hey dad I'm committing crimes he might do that he does crave approval he's at that age yeah he would and I'd approve I love this sequel to hell or high water yes it's my favorite part of the acorns experience my children learning the joy of investing and on the side financial crimes if you're going to be a real investor you have to commit some kind of financial crime all finances crime yeah all finances crime acorns crime

All property is theft We love our sponsors Not all crime is finance But not all theft is property But all crime is fun That's true All hot tubs are technically wet naps But not all wet naps are hot tubs

Oh man you could take a wet nap in there See This is how Spencer dies This is 100% Spencer took a nap In the national hot tub and he drowned I just ate ribs What do I do

Hot tub you are the only adult I know who sleeps like on their stomach as though they have been dropped into their crib yeah this could happen you could drown in very shallow water you know every now then there'll be a story out of Arizona where they're like two retirees were found dead in their hot tub it turns out that turns out that they each had like nine drinks and they smoked a bunch of weed taking a bunch of pills and they were like hey let's go chill in the hot tub that sounds fantastic that never sounds like a tragedy to me I'm always like well you gotta go how are you feeling awesome super chill super chill how did you die in my bad ass hot tub that'd be fantastic if if the answer to how did you die is i don't know then how bad could it have been yeah that's true man i woke up somebody's like yeah you died in a hot tub and i was like awesome next thing i know i was out of there how did you go torn to torn to pieces by wolves man that sucked how did you die i died in a hot tub drunk off my ass abe's nice abe lincoln would have much rather died in a hot tub you kidding me i don't know he's really tall guy his whole upper torso would be really cold i feel

it's got to be a big hot tub and he's got a slouch he's got to lay down in the thing yeah yeah although the humor the humor of looking up into the balcony going oh no he stayed in the hot tub sweet too long oh no he wrinkled the death dead John Wilkeswood standing there with a gun you stay in that hot tub the president has disintegrated yeah six separate hot tub this is the white house down sequel that we deserve where a white house drown thank you thank you yes yes the president's being held in a hot tub the president is so he's having he's having a good time the president is soggy it

has the little neon lights that you can change the colors and everything. It's transfixed. We're invoking the 25th Amendment because the president's in a hot tub and he's had four beers. He's too chill to do the job. He's too chill to lead. He's too chill to lead. Yeah, yeah. Man, that's pretty good idea.

Like before you go into the room where it's like, do we do a war or not, let the president get a good soak in and have a few beers. And then he gets to decide whether we're going to do the war. Jack Bauer bursts through the door and shoot some of the war. chest. If the idea of the job being terrible doesn't dissuade you enough from wanting to be president, think about like four straight years in which you cannot in good conscience pop and editable before bed. That is, I will say, the designated survivor, not the television show, but the actual person at the state of the union, they should get to, put on the television show, but on the television show. But on the television show. I think, I think the designated survivor,

and we should like have a camera, like a picture and picture during the state of the union, they should get to be like in a chill out tent or a hot tub or something like that because if things go super wrong and they have to lead the country we do want them in a chill state of mind you want them well rested my sensory deprivation tank yeah you want the camera to cut to them and they're kind of unfazed like right ready to leave a second sure okay I realize I'm introducing more water to a scenario that if anything calls for drier conditions but man how much better would it be if the state of the union was conducted i mean so there's a dais up at the front right dunk tank hmm yeah only dunk tank with dodgeball elements like if the president

catches your softball he can throw it back sure sure wilson looking at you i'm still stuck on the notion of the lone survivor being on the stationary bike designated survivor loan survivor is a different television show i'm sorry the lone survivor being on the exercise bike like the backup QB, like, yeah, here it goes. He's like, holding the clipboard. There's a net in front of him as he signs, as he signs. He's warming up.

It's got a ball cap. He has to remove. He or she has to remove. It's like, are you at a Fairfield in? Yeah, the buffet here's great. He sits in on every meeting. He's there. He's the first guy in the facility, last out. Do we

do we have any further podcast business that you would like to mention Let's Another show Oh right Yeah We do

But in case In case anyone is Still trying to Catch up on things This season If you're looking For the second episode The weekend

Recap episode We still do it It's on a different feed Fullcast after dark Is the name of the feed It also goes up On the Lebitard and Friends account

Because we are friends of Lebitard as of officially As of a monthish ago I like that you We also have given you Two options for how to listen to this show

One you can listen to it when it gets posted as a podcast where the audio is like pretty good, pretty normal, and you just sort of hear it, uh, start normally and end normally. These are all in, you know, relative forecast terms. Or you can listen to it on, at Twitter spaces at like 1230 in the morning when half our phones don't work and we're not sure when the show is started and things, uh, weirdly echo. And the transcript says Jason is just saying mom over and over again. So you have like two different, you can have like,

you know vanilla ice cream or you can have ice cream with rocks in it you can have ice cream that is like still not made yet yeah you can have milk just hot milk hot tub of milk that's what we give you every midnight eastern Saturday on Twitter I have a confession to make yeah so it has been jokes have been made before about how I literally went to school for for this for performing arts and audio is obviously my weak spot and even I with my look it's the Tennessee is not a great school but my program is a good program and I can't fix the I can't fix the audio consistently you know server is a professional and the better than any of us and the haint has bested him at times the haint is in the process of besting our new engineer from metal art I got a confession to make

it was about four o'clock in the morning on Saturday night when I was ruminating over the bumpy start we had logging into Twitter spaces because one of the things exacerbating the current conditions on the Saturday night show is that Twitter spaces is itself kind of a mess right now and that's per Twitter's own engineers. They're like, yeah, we're kind of trying this thing. They, we have a very shared energy with them, which is, I think, one thing that makes the show really work. They're like, we don't know if this is going to work at all.

I'll just try this. And it's almost impossible to get all of us onto the broadcast at the same time to start the show at the same time. for the first couple weeks like mine wouldn't turn on at all you know spencer and i had this weird echo that's following us around and our listeners have taken it in great stride because we have clicked trained y'all through much much worse over the years and they kind of reveled in being around for the sound check on saturday night and about two hours after we all logged out for the night i sat bolt upright and realized that we all could have just muted our phones until we

were all in the twitter space forget on Saturday. You know that. Oh, I know. Okay. Okay. And if I remember, I have no intent of reminding anyone. Okay. I believe that concludes podcast business. On to...

On to the episode. I'm going to lead us into this. Yeah, it's a good time to start this episode of 44 minutes into... Server, what are we at? 44? Yeah, 44. All right. Sorry, my microphones don't work. I am a professional at audio.

Yeah, you sound like it. It's a lean 44, though. Server was better at his job I maintained before he joined up with us, idiots. I think Serber is playing down to his opponent, and I get it. I respect it. Listen, he's reserving his strength.

He is like, he is Roger Federer letting some scrub in round one of world and take a set off him. Yeah. Yeah. Six, four, three, six, six one, six one. that's still a win you're still moving on it's fine yeah so i have for our listening pleasure uh queued up a number of scenarios from a twitter prompt we threw out this week which is what is the dumbest thing you have ever been in or witnessed a physical fight over now we set some parameters that we thought for very clear and as usual most of you blew by

these yes they had to be a physical fight uh yes it had to be you not something you heard about. We would also accept fights that you saw. And, no, that's about it. That's all our parameters. So many of our disaster episodes involve, involved fisticuffs.

But after watching, again, for the umpteenth time, the video of the guy pulling a knife on the other guy, as they argued over whether or not Glinda was a witch in the Wizard of Oz. we we decided to we decided to take this one to the people uh spencer what's the dumbest thing that you have ever physically fought over or witnessed someone fighting over um i got into a fight with a good friend of mine in college because i said the following words please stop reading

your journal to me oh god he's reading his journal out loud to me he said please stop reading your journal to me and at that point we began to fight violently yes yes it was so like um we're gonna have to bleep that out so your opponent insisted on continuing to read or it was it was very much uh you have offended my honor by stating that you have crippling ADHD and can no longer take me reading my journal out loud to you because it's for you man I cannot imagine anything worse And then we got into a fight

That's basically just long-form Twitter How'd the fight go? I won West is pretty small I won, that's the problem Is that I was wearing him like a backpack And slamming him into the door behind me And did he surrender and agree to terms?

That's not Jason born of you Yeah No, it was very like I discovered That was when I discovered my fighting style Which was use anything in the room and hit people with it. I'm not, I'm not good at fighting,

but I'm very creative. Very creative. I would have hit him with a phone book if we'd had one, right? I would have done the born thing. Oh, I've never gotten to do that. That's a dream still. It's not too late. Hey, next live show,

I think we should let, if we, let's do this, let's combine two things. If we hit a certain charity bowl goal, Holly gets to hit Spencer with a phone book at a live show. Oh, I was. I thought you were going to say

a member of the winning fan base gets to fight Spencer. I don't like that because Michigan has many students. Michigan has produced many alumni. They know a lot of things about war, though. They've read about a lot of duels. Yeah.

The dumbest fight I have ever witnessed in person was I'm going to have to obfuscate some details here because of the governmental and religious jobs a couple of the people involved in this brawl now hold. But one of my very good friends, speaking of metal arc, this is not that poppy, but shout out to Poppy, one of my very best friends at college who became involved in a lengthy bout of fisticuffs over whether or not a deer, a given deer, was in fact a 10-point buck. For those of you who aren't familiar with deer hunting, you can determine.

whether or not something is a 10-point buck by counting the amount of points on its antlers. The deer in question was dead and right in front of us, and this is an argument that could have been solved by counting to 10. It was like my own real-life version, though I didn't know it yet, of John Boyce's dumbest boy alive. Folks, if you have a hard time counting bucks, acorns.com. Wow. 2003 some friends and I went to the Miami Florida game in Miami Florida blue a I want to say a 22 23 point lead in the second half we drove home and that night all feeling terrible through the night and in the morning two of my friends fought in the parking lot on campus at Florida and the subject was which one was more mature

that's it there is I have no nuance to the story there are no other levels they were just fighting about which one of them was more mature yes the only fight I can remember being in and since middle school I don't remember why it happened I just remember me me and the homies did a lot of amateur MMA so like we thought we were really good at fighting and we'd also watched a lot of pro wrestling I think I've talked about it on here I don't know we've done this podcast for about 50 years but um in the background of Publix this big fellow whose last name was Valardi came charging at me like a damn rhino so I hooked his head and hit him with the DDT on the cement it outweighed me by like 70 pounds but it was a very easy fight to win and everyone thought it was a badass but all I did

was fall over yeah all I did was okay you want to go that way let's let's go we are both going the way you were going which is your face into the ground and like his big old like fucking buzz cut you know like the crew cut yeah his big old crew cut skull just bong just a satisfying thump

and then he pops up and goes back to work it was like I fixed his brain or something I don't know what we were fighting about there

you have a hard reboot yeah you reset it just reset Valardi dude I want to go ahead and rephrase this

though because you just like poor mouth yourself there you gave someone a DDT on the concrete floor in the back

of a public unplanned on the spur of the moment then we just popped up like okay I got aisle 7 and you know back to work

dude you sold the hell out of that that that's like that's like wrestling he sold it in the shit he was really he did sell it yeah but you are in Anderson to him that's spectacular it worked all right

we're going to turn now to the readers I have collected a number of them not to trigger any not not to trigger any fans involved in the Alabama A&M or Ole Miss Arkansas game but I'm going to ask all of you

to pick six and we are going to lead off with uh oh no i'm saving that one for last i'm going to lead off with with lootersuko with reader suco i just had a small stroke at it's bp though on twitter i really like this one because of the ending and also because i feel like there's some missing information that i would like us to just fill in i don't want it from the reader at a night game tailgate my friend threw a bowl of beanie weenies on the ground and started an epic

dozen of 18 year old versus 50 year olds brawl that the wives had to break up was fun though was fun did he dishonor the beanie weanies was that the problem or were the beanie winnies the

gauntlet thrown down to signal that he was not going to let some previous insult pass. I think it's the gauntlet. That to me is more entertaining. It's like, no, this, no further. The beanie weanies drop here. Did the wives think it was fun? Do wives like breaking up fights?

They had to break it up, so I'm guessing no. Although if one of them was the architect of the original beanie weanies, maybe perhaps they started something that they did not feel like finishing for such a lengthy amount of evening. I would like my first one that I would like to discuss here is from

At Scooter 80 At a frat party my roommate was snooping around and pulled a catering pan out of their fridge containing the prior day's sliced beef the kind where the once liquefied fat has congealed he ate that filled cold

and I gave him so much shit he finally had to punch me in the face I misread this one initially and I thought that the reader was so angry at at his roommate for eating this that he punched him like out of principle

I have to right so this is not really like this is an honor thing this is not really a fight over a subject so much as it is driving another person I mean it's really all fights are about you know defending your shitty choices on one level or another right i get this though because i am the guy who would give him so much shit that i'd get punched i am that person are you also

the guy who would eat the old beef yes yeah i am also how will you escape his dungeon how i can't i'm the duality the duality of man two statues guard adore one only eats old beef the other only punches two wolves are incited one only one is eating old hungry. Only one of them is hungry. The other one is full, but doesn't feel good. One of them wishes it could have eaten the old beef. You know, God damn it, Daddy.

All that talk about the wolf you feed and not that talk about what you feed the wolf. I could have used that information. I just know there's just one moment where the guy's just been hit and the other guy standing there with the like tin of beef in his hand, right? And it's like shit all over. This is like aluminum.

So I'm holding it like this, right? Yeah, and he's sitting there just And he's going like, why did you just let me eat my beef? But here's the problem. Here's the problem. When you have been punched by somebody who just ate a catering tray of old beef, you can't punch them because the likelihood that they will throw old beef up onto you is very high. Oh, you're aiming for just the nose.

You cannot, no body shots here because I honestly, I think, I think like the delicate balance is such that. any contact with their body would immediately like if you even kicked him in the shins heart and startling I think if he stumped his toe he would throw up old beef everywhere

this is diabolical because not only is he the physical aggressor in this situation he's turned himself into a proximity mind what kind of like what kind of sauce scenario did we just create

you've just eaten a bunch of old beef you're on a trampoline and I will begin bouncing you've And now you're invincible. Wait, was that supposed to be saw? Yeah, I do it. Okay.

That's fine, yeah. I think the strategy is to quickly uncircle the person. They can't, they can't turn very fast. They're full of old beef. That's true. And then you go for the headlock and, you know, they're already sleepy because they're full of old beef. Yeah.

You just sort of guide them to the ground and okay, sleep it off. You tranked yourself. Congratulations. I feel like I've learned a lot today already. He's hurt, Mike. He's full of old beef. This fight's over. Um, okay. I will, uh, I will take one that I love because it's short but sweet.

This is from Wild West WX on Twitter. Two of my high school buddies got in a fist fight over a nuance in hacky sack rules. I was not aware that fist fights and hacky sack protocol junkies were an overlapping Venn diagram of any sort. Well, Robert's rules of hacky sack. sack is obviously Rob it's Robbie Robby's rules of Hockey's

Robby's rules J. Robb's rules of Hackey's Brody Brody Brody Naismith Like

I don't isn't the whole point of Hackysack that you're going to do something vaguely physical that is in no way competitive or

at all violent like Hackysack is the least violent physical activity you can do right? that was my confusion as well but but i mean i i i've seen a lot of uh taking pride in the uh in a in a combo streak chain whatever you call yeah but what are what are the

like if i ask the three of you what are the rules of hacky-sac i thought it was like keep it off the ground sure there are numerous it's like kids with a balloon right keep being numerous schools yeah so it's like different fighting styles of hacky-sac yeah i I hung out with enough... I hung out with enough... I hung out with enough skaters in high school to gather that there are many important styles and distinctions and, like, there is a negotiating round

what sort of hacky sack are we playing? Like, there's also the pothead hacky sack which is just, like, we're kicking an object because... I thought that was hacky sack. Yeah, I wrongly assumed that was the only iteration of hacky sack. I mean, to be clear, potheads can be competitive. Sure. So you can't have a mix.

That's where true harmony is found. I think it's one of those sports... They're like, yeah, there are no rules, and there's actually 37 unwritten rules that everybody's super passive-aggressive about, right? Right. That's why I'm not an anarchist, because that's what anarchy is, right? Like, yeah, man, and everybody just takes care of everybody. It's like Bernie, man, there's actually 3,000 different rules you have to follow, right? Think about it like this. Football, the most complicated sport in the world.

We spend hours watching it, and we understand, like, 0.01% of it. Or football can be throwing a ball back and forth. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, 500 is football. Thank you for putting the headline eight stabbed in Ultimate Frisbee fracas in my head, Ryan. Thank you. Go stay away from the ultimate course, man.

No, now, Ultimate, if you told me that that devolved into some, like, rules fighting, I'd be like, yeah, Ultimate is frequently just like people who decided they shouldn't play rugby because they can't control themselves. Oh, that's absolutely my brother. But Hackysack is more like, yeah, I don't know. I thought Billiards was too fast. pace. I decided I need something a little more chill. I think the other thing with HakeySec is you get,

you get people who like identify as chill. Yeah. And people always don't understand themselves very well. You know what I'm saying? You got people who like really advertise and broadcast their chillness and like, oh, I'm so laid back. And it's revealed that they're not. Yeah. If you follow, if you follow my rules for declarative humanity, that means that they're actually the most violent person in the world, right? Like, yeah, you know, people just say I'm a free free spirit, I'm easy going, I'm freewheeling. That means that person is the biggest control freak you have ever met. Well, see, and that actually tracks,

it sounds, it sounds funny, but that actually tracks into common sense because why would you feel the need to state over and over again in a lot of these imagined cases that you are chill unless there had been an argument made against that in some point. You are either, you for some reason in your past you feel the need for your present self to state over again how chill you are something's up there i do not have a knife i am extremely chill the chill is the chillest thing is to not never claim to be chill the chillest thing is to not play hacky sack and to not even own a hacky sack ball to do nothing it involves prank collar yeah just to play sack just sack out just sit there let's say that don't say that don't i don't want you to say that

anymore sack hey kids we're gonna play sack to notice the resplendent light on jason right now yeah it's magic hour he's like a cat in a sunbeam yeah it's early in the morning the sunrise comes in over here and it's like oh shit this is too bright and now this time of day

luckily it's cloudy or I'd be blinded let's see here from I'm a pumpkin doctor you can find it hoomst you can find it JCDPB on Twitter.com brother and I argued in line at Kroger about whether Shiner holiday cheer tasted like Christmas

because we couldn't agree on a definition for what Christmas tasted like. Now, per the rules of the assignment, I'm going to assume this means pumpkin, doctor, and brother then physically fought in Kroger over this. So we will assume... I allowed this in because the premise was so funny. Yeah. Well, I mean, this was not listed, but I allowed it on that reason. I'm just going to assume a fight took place.

It's Kroger. Yeah. A fight was happening somewhere. them the best of you guys because you should fight over this. Yeah, if this were a... Literal wars have been fought over this. If this were a republics you wouldn't fight it. If this were an H.E.B. in Texas, they have established

procedures for that in Texas, right? Like, all right fellas. You take this root and tooting argument out into the parking lot. That's happened before. But if it's Kroger, they're going to let you do anything. They'll let you strangle each other. Oh, yeah. They're like, don't splash blood on the magazines. Yeah. We can't resell them.

Except blood magazine. We could have some of them, you can't. lion. We just got that prepper quarterly in. Don't get blood on it. No, that's valuable with blood. Like, blood iron in it. You need that. You can sell it. You can do DNA

stuff. It's just sick. I want to say something controversial. Yeah. I don't think anything should taste like Christmas because when I think about Christmas, I think about pine trees. And if I want gin, I will just drink gin. So I would argue if we're going historical with it, the most

Christmas flavor you could get, would be the old beef tray. That sounds like sleeping in a manger to me. Like, that's Christmas as hell. You know, a manger, what is it if not a beef tray? An old beef tray, that's right. Our Lord was born in a beef tray. Jesus is old beef.

And then the Romans roasted him for it. And what did he come here to resolve? Old beef, in fact. Yeah, yeah. The Roman Empire itself was the old beef. Yeah. And I'll leave you sleeping like baby cheese. Jesus in that old beef tray if you eat that beef tray around me on principle.

Oh, Todd, he looks like a little angel, just baby Jesus in a beef tray. I would like to redo the last supper where he breaks the bread, but then he passes the beef tray. It's sort of more of like a Philly last supper at this point. Oh, my God, Bethlehem. Eat it. Stupid ass. I would like... Also at the nativity was a stupid ass.

There was a donkey right there. and it didn't talk. It's not my tiny, though. Oh, man. I want to go to the Schwarzenegger Christmas pageant. Ooh, boy. We talk about a problem about a Christmas pageant. Oh, the Kennedys aren't invited.

Why are there so many butts involved in this? Why'd you give it the baby wine? This baby is very strong. Extremely developed. Riding a muscular tiny donkey. No, I was just thinking he would make the angel like suspense. themselves from the ceiling, just like doing a rope climb the entire time? One thing, friend.

Is there an angel in the nativity pageant? I don't know. I don't know God. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Talks to the mod die, right? All the shepherds would have to strip because robes can teal swallness. The angel is the one who knocked up Mary.

Oh, that's right. Friend of the program, John actually saw it recently in California. During the play. He was in Santa Monica and he saw Arnold rides his bike every day on the beach in Santa Monica. and Arnold he saw Arnold He's got one of those like fat tire bikes

He does and he saw Arnold on his morning ride and I was like how did you not just run after him going like I would instantly begin chasing him hollering all sorts of

Arnold things at him and people say you are you're difficult to work with yeah blow out his earphones yeah see I would like to share one from user terminal fatigue

it is brief to the point and stunning witness day brawl in the front row of a they might be Giants show. Once again, I feel like the

collection of people here should exclude fighting. Now, now, you know what this was? One was going, Istanbul, the other one,

Constantinople! The fucking crusades are happening. Got your Turkish delight right here, pal. We got the damn Byzantines and Romans warring in the Mosh pit at the

They Might Be Giants show. Maybe the problem was they were literally giants. They saw giants. Put a birdhouse. They are giants. You're going to be Particle Man by the time I'm through with you.

Triangle Man does hate Particle. It was written. They had a fight. Particle Man. There was Particle Man. Where is he? Where is he? He looks over and he says, oh, shit.

The dude from Silent Hill, Triangle Man. Going Birdhouse on your ass. Is this the silliest band to have a fight at their concert? It's up there. Gosh. It's, it's well. Nah, because Rafi's got kids and kids will fight over almost anything. Okay.

Yeah. If you're an adult fighting at the Rafi concert, yeah, you fucked up. Something happened. I would say Yanni, but Yanni just implies adultery. Sure. Yeah. Not Weird Al. He's got songs about fighting.

Yeah, that might kick off in the pit at a weird Al show. I mean, you just play like weasel stomping day and it's going off. Yeah, that could get pretty rowdy. I very much like it being canon that every concert. has a pit. Yeah, never a concert. Dina,

honest to God, the way her Vegas shows have been going, you know who could really use one is Celine Dion. I would jump in there without questions.

So it's Celine. This is fantastic. I'm doing the fighting. She would also, like, if I could go, which diva grade singer would totally

give death metal a 110% committed run for an entire song, it would be Celine Dion. She would like she would crank it, like she would open her mouth and you'd hear that's a terrifying noise. I'm going to flip over to another concert tale from Mark Parker at Parker 45.

Now once again, I am assuming fisticuffs here and I am assuming fisticuffs because it is funny. First fight ever for me and future wife was at the Far Made concert and it was because she left to get a corn dog and didn't come back

with one for me. In my head, these two decided to settle it in the octagon emerged with a mutual respect and then decided to get married. Yeah. They didn't even know each other before this. I just want to carefully frame this so it is not

an endorsement of partner violence but two adults coming together to settle a serious crime a serious crime in you know, in one of the old ways. like because they're married I assume that she kicked his ass at least a little

corn dog fight is it a fight over the corn dog or the principal and which one is stupider but the principal is less than a corn dog the stupidest possible thing would be calling it a corny dog which is what

they call it at the Texas State Fair ew yeah is it different in some meaningful way no it's a corn dog but they call it corned corny dogs because like every state fair every state fair claims that every food was invented at said state fair and no state fair is bigger than the texas has a stronger claim to this than most of than the texas state fair right the texas state fair has invented every kind of absolute garbage grease fire food all of them invented at the texas state fair allegedly and the guy who did it marketed his version of the corn dog which i'm sure existed for 50 years prior as a corny dog to which Which to me, if I had a time machine, instead of going back and helping humanity, I would go back and punch people in the face, like this guy. It's like, no, I would call it a corny dog.

You got to just find something to hit him with. The U.S. the patent for the corn dog was filed in 1927 and granted in 1929 for a combined dipping. It took two years for them to decide. Listen, listen. Research testing. Send us more corn dogs. We haven't yet decided yet. Was there a government guy in a bowler who looked like William Taft, who was like, I must sample these.

Here is a segment of the patent. I have discovered that articles of food, such, for instance, as weaners, boiled ham, hard-boiled eggs, cheese, sliced peaches, pineapples, bananas, and like fruit and cherries, dates, figs, strawberries, et cetera, when impaled on sticks and dipped in batter, which includes in its ingredients a self-rising flour, and then, deep fried in a vegetable oil, the resultant food product on a stick for a handle is a clean, wholesome and tasty refreshment. No. Holesome. It is neither clean nor wholesome. Tasty is up.

Listen, I can only conclude that the holder of this patent was the very hungry caterpillar, based on the amount of shit that they put in. At first, he fried one plum, then he fried one peach, then he fried. Yes. On page,

on page four, the very hungry caterpillar has a heart attack. Then he's fried big techs. But I feel like he would really like where we're going with this. And then I said big techs on fire. Correct, Jason. Spencer, go right ahead.

I want to go ahead and go to bad rooster fly, a.k.a. chance. Which is argument last to this day between myself and a few of my fraternity brothers over whether or not our friend could defeat

a mountain lion in hand-to-hand combat see why you picked this one mm-hmm the statement i could definitely bench more than a mountain lion was made at one point in complete sincerity bench no shit let's unpack let's unpack is the the assumption that fighting is about benching what the fuck that first of all the idea of a mountain lion being like yeah bro it's chest day hold on like spot spot me spot me The idea of a cat lying on its back on a bench. Wrapping its paws around the bar. First of all, everybody knows that mountain lions prefer incline bench.

Everybody knows that. You see, incline's actually better for you, Ryan. I can explain to you about the angle. But you see, flat bench is not actually good for pectoral development. Because what you want is that shelf across the top, right? Obviously, a mountain lion prefers an incline. That's right. that's right yeah yeah they're doing the salmon pull-up yeah they're doing the salmon pull-ups that's how they

prepare themselves to like fling themselves out of trees at their prey just seeing them out and just seeing a mountain line on the bench some dude over it going quit archin bitch quit archin that's no yeah that's what started the fight quit that power lifting shit man i feel like we hear a lot of these arguments and not enough about whether or not anybody decides to find out i have i have a link from outside magazine how a man killed a mountain lion with his bare hands was this the small one I don't know

because it was a right so there was a guy who was killed a baby mountain it was like yeah oh yeah younger than a year old that's fucked up yeah and it was like starving it was yeah it was kind of never even been to the gym yeah but yeah bro he was still on push

he was still on body weight he wasn't even through his first cycle of starting strength mountain lion just pushed the bar No way, it's, and you're out here bragging about defeating it. No, he's not, that is not the case that I think is actually the impressive I kicked a mountain lion's ass. I know this is going to derail us and I'm so happy it is. All right, 2007, California, and the Prairie Creek Redwoods on a tent at the tail end of a 10-mile hike.

When the Pac-12 still mattered. When the Pack 10 still matter. Sorry, apologies. when was that the lion pounced on Jim Ham at the tail end of the hike Jim Ham Jim spell H-A-M-M-G-Y-M G-Y-M

G-E-M-H-A-M The mountain lion sitting there in like large predator court going The man's name was Ham How could I not So he He was attacked The 70-year-old man Was pinned down, face down on the trail

Nellham, his wife, screamed at the lion, grabbed a branch. Nell ham. Nell, will you make me the happiest ham, man? Nellum. She started beating the crap out of the mountain line with the stick. That did nothing. And she grabbed a pen from her husband's pocket and stabbed the mountain lion in the goddamn eye. And broke it off.

yeah and then she picked up the branch again slammed it into his face the animal stepped back and looking badass and yeah looking bad with the pen looking good bro with a rakish piratical charm he's like how am i got a bench with this pen in my eye this is this i'm gonna miss fuck i'm never gonna be a pilot now fuck yeah i guess like in a bodybuilding those are the two jobs It's all they would mountain lions do these days. It's going to be a mountain lion pirate, my little eye patch. Pirate or pilot? Yeah, so Nelham managed to fend off a mountain lion with nothing more than a stick

and a pen that she jabbed into the goddamn eye of a large mountain lion. Mom, why do you always carry all that shit in your purse? I hope she points to this article from now until the end of time. That's right. but also i hope i kind of hope that y'all are eaten by mountain lions sorry who who is the y'all here i guess we'll find out okay let's continue let's continue let's continue who's next i think i think it's my turn um i am going to go to this one from roy donk at big old mud pie St. Louis

It only gets dirtier St. Louis 2014 The Rams were 3 and 6 and last in the division I was outside a bar waiting on my Uber where I saw a guy drunkenly berate his buddy for not believing

that they'd make the playoffs by the time my ride arrived they were beating the stuffing out of each other on the curb St. Louis Rams 24th. Yeah. The Rams failed.

Huh. It will shock you who coached this team. Jeff Fisher. Not one of his better years. Six and ten finished last in the division. Aaron Donald was on that team, though. I just feel older than God because what do you mean Aaron Donald was in the league in 2014?

So it looks like from that point on, after the fight, they went three and four. Oh, wow. You guys made it worse. Not inspired. Yeah, I'm trying to, so this is, if this would have been what week for them, week nine? This was November, November 2nd, ish, okay, so it's either after they beat the 49ers, which, which beating up your friend after your team wins is truly demented, or after they lost the next week to the Cardinals, which, I guess it would make. Yeah, it was after the 3114 loss to the Cardinals. I would like to remind you that

the Rams only stayed in St. Louis for one more year after that. Yeah, they had to get away from these guys. Yeah. This is just like you don't believe in our bad team is such a specific reason. Like, what a reason to have to defend the honor

of the three and six St. Louis Rams? Yeah, this was a pretty bad team. They'd been blown out a few times and all their wins were by one score, beach at that point so who's the quarterback at this at this point on the ramps it's bradford isn't it is it well i i don't know if he's hurt that's why i'm asking he's probably the quarter he was heard for a game or two uh he was injured in preseason so the quarterback would have been either austin davis or sean hill sean hill yeah so so you so somebody beat up another

person who dared to suggest that sean hill would not lead okay i just want to make sure we Maryland, an undrafted Maryland quarterback. That's fucking great. Playing for Jeff Fisher on the Rams. It's fucking wonderful. Now I'm just sad. I can make you feel better. Please do.

Not confident, but go ahead. This anecdote from Oh boy. Leo the giant slore. You could just read his at. Yeah, at the real Tony Leo. God, I hope so. The guy's next door to me in the barracks.

Yes. Fought over a ham sandwich. They fought through the bathroom and into my room, then out of the hallway. They all boy did. They totally, they fought like the Girl Scouts, an airplane. Like, they are all over the bar. Daredevil fight scene, the hallway freight scene. One of them holding this sandwich.

I was thinking of blazing saddles specifically. Yeah, but yes. I'm picturing one of them has the same. sandwich and like whoever is winning the fight at that moment possesses the sandwich but it's being ripped from hand to hand and I don't know if it's funnier if it's tearing to pieces or if it's not it's it's better it started when one guy was about to take a hit out or hey take a bite out of his sandwich and his roommate slapped it out of his hands I just see like diving across the room like so this fight started in the bathroom which

I really want to believe that the ham sandwich... They said through the bathroom. Through the bathroom? Okay. I'm assuming this is like bedrooms or barracks connected by a battle, like a communal bathroom. So this might have been, this might have been from their room, through the bathroom, into the next room, and then into the hallway over a ham sandwich. Now, this doesn't say these are Marines, but don't you worry, folks. We have a Marine story coming up.

I mean, it doesn't say whether these were Marines. I have my suspicions I could The guy's next door The bathroom would be next door So that would mean the fight That would indicate the fight started in the bathroom Because the bathroom would be next door

Oh I thought they meant that they That they transitioned through the bathroom On route to his room This is like the weirdest game of Clue ever I think that would be a very logical reading But if you take it very literally The guys were next door And the next door would be the bathroom.

So one of these fellows was eating a ham sandwich and a bathroom and any right-thinking person would... Right, wouldn't it be fucked up if this guy's name was Colonel Mustard? Oh, how much shit would you take if your actual name was Colonel Mustard? That would suck so bad. None ever. The thing is...

That's where like the Percy Harvin rule comes in. You don't fight the dude named Colonel Mustard if he's made it to Colonel in the Army with the last name of mustard. I thought this is going to be a catch-22 thing. where he has the rank of colonel but also his literal name is colonel mustard or he's sergeant colonel you don't fight colonel mustard because you might kill you with a candlestick in a library that's true here's the thing about slapping a ham sandwich out of somebody's hands you either have to have a very good reason for doing it like it's poisoned or it's like a religious relic of a great value

and worth or you have to have no reason like there's no like medium range here where it's like well i kind of had a reason it's either i was fucking with you or this is the reincarnated Christ and I didn't want you to eat him the second one is by far my personal preference yeah I mean the no reason at all won well it's already established that Jesus is beef nut so sure sure yeah it can happen sorry

um let's see here from sparkles Robbie sparkles left foot sparkles I assume those are emojis but that's how it appears in spreadsheet just reading just reading the card saw a near fist fight over whether a particular Star Wars novel, I wish I remembered which one, probably one of the original Thrawn trilogy. I'm going to guess, you're probably right, Robbie, was considered, quote, unquote, literature. Yes.

All right. And if it's Thrawn, I think everyone on the internet will say, well, yeah, of course. So, I feel like the internet is with you at this one. Like, it's one thing when we do this shit on Twitter, because everything we do on Twitter is a waste of time to begin with, and it's just, like, it's only trained us to have bad opinions and fight over them. but to actually do this in real life is just like hey buddy i was born to have bad opinions and fight over them go balls i love the uh the status we give to the word literature that just means books that teachers like

yeah is that like yeah does that just mean like uh things i have to read slowly is that i mean it just means um books you buy and then set somewhere How rich do you think you'd have to be To get like a Thron book put on like the AP lit exam Not that rich I bet the amount of money would disappoint I bet it would disappoint you yeah No I think it's a goal

That's why I'm more interested in it Let's do it's why we're going to take over school boards Honestly School boards could do a lot worse This is this is one of the less destructive ideas we've had That's what I'm saying This is how we're going to sort of gum up of the works.

Yeah. With our shutdown full pack. I'm just going to make an energy drink empire and then I'm going to write a series of Star Wars novels where they'll drink the energy drinks. Are they licensed? No.

Then I'm going to get the Tennessee School Board. I'm going to go to Tennessee and I'm going to pay off everybody right? Sure. Yep. And I'm going to get a Tennessee School Board to approve my Energy Drink endorsement plan right but these books are just huge ads it'll be like it'll be like it'll be like it'll be like

obi won pulled out his lightsaber and took a swig of his you know antsy boy let's say drink throndo we're calling it throndo yeah he took an enormous swig of his trondo energy drink and it was like ah with the power of throndo I will defeat the dark side and I will read these slowly in this exact fashion at these school board meetings Yeah, sure. And I will pay all of them a pitiful sum of money, right? These people could be bought off with like $70. They'd be like, I think it's a good idea to put Throndo in there.

The Battle of Throndo, volume two in the Throndo trilogy, I think it needs to go into our schools. Yep. So Obi-Wan receives his mental boost. Thank you. I think, so like in the 90s, I think you literally could have done this and it wouldn't have been a difficult at all. because like George Lucas really likes money now it's going to be more of a challenge

because of Disney yeah yeah but uh I think what about Babylon 5? can we do that well there's that we'll just call it Babylon 6 I was going to say just straight up call it Star Wars literature right up top

right yeah because then they feel bad for telling you to knock it off a parody it's a parody I'm going to take this ramp of both novelizations and pick up the threat of the military and go over to Benji the kid at Benji SC30. Oh, boys, the Marines are back. What's Jonesy going to stick his dick in this time?

In Iraq with the Marine Corps. Two guys got into a... Now, give me a second when I finish this, okay? Because I have a theory. Two guys got into a fight over who got to read the book, Lone Survivor, first. now if you don't know what book I'm talking about go ahead and look this up we will wait

but in my head this is not the original book this is the novelization of the Mark Wahlberg movie that they made out of the book literature yeah that's literature oh my god so there's one copy

I have no further it's called lone survivor yeah so there's There's a lone copy of Lone Survivor, and both of these gentlemen want to be the first to read it. Yes. And then I assume they would wish to destroy it so that the other cannot become the lone survivor. Oh, shit, I hadn't thought about that. I don't know if the Lone Survivor book is a how-to manual.

We can't know until you read it, and if you're the second to read it, then it might already be too late. Hey, Jason, you've got another literature one in here, don't you? Do I? you do from Prescott Bishop You've got the real good one From Wild West WX on Twitter Prescott Bishop Classmates at my fundamentalist middle school

All right here we go Scream fighting over whether or not Harry Potter was real life satanic magic All right Let's go I know when you went to middle school Prescott It was before 9-11 Because after 9-11

These people stopped giving a shit about Harry Potter And they trained all the energy on people from a certain part of the world. The 90s were nothing but Fundy's training all this energy on everything in sight because the Cold War had ended and they were desperate for villains and they found it in a 11-year-old British boy and whatever. And then, yeah, and then just within a couple years, they completely forgot about it.

This is funny. I was researching something a few months ago, Christianity Today, all right? It's like the Time Magazine of Evangelicals. I was looking through it for references to Harry. Potter, so it's funny I was assigned this, and in articles up until 9-11, Harry Potter's described as evil nefarious. This is a gateway to Dungeons and Dragons and Magic the Gathering and all sorts of

evil things. 9-11 happens. A year later, movie review of Harry Potter, delightful family fair. So, there you have it. When you said, when you said they were going to blame it all on one 11-year-old British boy, I wanted to jump in and just go, Neville. It was Neville. Neville killed the snake.

Typical, no, I don't even mean Neville Longbottom. I just mean something like. Oh, random. Just a Neville. You know, just like Neville from like Bournemouth. Like devil. Oh, I accept that completely. Yeah.

I am not like deeply steeped in the Harry Potter lore. But the magic doesn't. Oh, you've got a daughter. Just wait. I know. But the magic doesn't seem interesting enough to be satanic. Like, if that's all Satan can do, like, I'm not. real worried about that battle between good and evil.

If he's just like, look, I can summon things, but only simple ones. The idea is it's a gateway. That's it. These are the same people who, these are the same people who are terrified of yoga. Okay. How do they feel about close-up magic? There are Christian-Assad. Yeah. You have to be Christian.

The, uh, the arrested development joke about illusionists. I'm, you know, I guarantee you, they got that. Sure. Got that from youth group ministry. Sure. Yeah. Really? Yeah, if you Google Christian Illusiness right now, page after page after page of guys saying it's not magic

So you can hire us Right, excellent There is like a satanic Hogwarts But it probably rocks too hard To be discussed They'd be like, yeah, these kids have so much fun Oh my God They have the sickest outfits

They have the best parties Dismal academic performance But nobody cares It's fine Their hair is so clear Their hair is bouncy It is awesome It's in Orlando

it always comes back to hot weather goths with you doesn't it it does it be hot weather guys be like yeah where'd satanic hoggworts be it'd be in someplace dismal and cold right or it being like it okay you're like no Orlando committed than hot weather goths we've established this it'd be in Orlando so it's UCF it's UCF is evil Hogwarts UCF is evil escape Hogwarts Stephen Godfrey's antenna are twitching right now and he does not know why He'll be extremely pleased when he finds out.

I just keep making them sound awesome, though. Like, satanic, look at the Hail Satan, hoggards in Orlando. It's like a big skate park. Do they have mighty feasts with floating candles? And you're like, no, it's like a Chapolri kind of arrangement. They steal things from the mall food court. Fuck you. It's awesome.

Look at this. It's a cookie cake made for somebody named Brenda. We just ruined her fucking birthday. You got the, uh, so when you walk into, uh, Satanic Hogwarts, a UCF, you have to learn which frat you're going to, which is determined by the sorting visor. They learn Ivana Kadabra on like day one. That's all they, they're like, what do you do? Fatal spells day one. Can you guys like, can you do things like convert toadstools to tomatoes? No, but we got that killing shit down. We learn that like sick day one. We learn. Don't say it, bro.

Don't say it, bro. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. I just watched the Tyson Fury fight. I'm so amped. Jesus God. I put a piece of my soul in my PlayStation. It's fucking awesome. My horrocks is a fake cartridge. I have one more. It's from

At Robbiddy. I got sucker punched at a bar by an astonishingly drunk man for taking his hat. He accused me of stealing his hat. I explained we had the same baseball hat and that his was on his head and he decked me mind your fucking business

I hope that this man realized that he was wrong and punched the guy anyway I hope you I think that's what happened you made me feel bad why are you embarrassing me you're not the boss of me punch smart Alica I see you I in my hat.

Why should you have two hats? That's selfish. I had this hat first. Then you walk in with it. You stole my hat and put another hat on my head. You're going to steal that one too? You cloned my hat. It's the Indians fault, too, for being on our land when we got there.

Oh my God. I just like, I love the commitment here. I just like that he's like, Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. Stick to your guns. I already decided to just... Finish the drill. I already decided I'm punching this guy.

Finish the drill. So I have to go from theft to mockery. I just have to be like, well, now you're making fun of me. Yeah. Yeah, there's no retract button. Yeah, it's like a video game animation. You can't stop. It's like, sorry, I'm already punching you.

Where are you? I can't get out of this punch. Strong punch Maybe Maybe the theory on the part of the puncher is that these hats were swapped And you're trying Uh-uh, uh-uh, that's still my hat Not catching me and none of your devilish traps

You know old Frank, once he starts winded up Like he has the cartoon wind up to the punch, right? Like he's windmilling and he's like, sorry All right, I got eight windmills in. Nine and ten are coming. Be ashamed to waste this wind up.