Shutdown Fullcast - Who could go toe-to-toe with 2019 LSU?

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

If you're Mike Bloomberg or someone associated with the Mike Bloomberg 2020 Campaign, don't read below this. Just reach out ([e-mail]) and let's figure out how your money can become our money. If you're not Mike Bloomberg, this episode is about theoretical matchups that would fluster 2019 LSU, and by theoretical we mean everything from very good Miami teams to time-traveling Derrick Henry clones. Does it make sense? More than our proposal for a top-loading microwave does! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

welcome to the shutdown full cast oh ha do you just like like burp up the season as you as you as you lumber into the off season just coughing up turnovers here that was one of his least confident welcomes and i think it's because holly's not there holly's not here by the way i think it's because i went for about an eight on the vocal cords and they gave me about a six yeah so this is This was you swinging at a curveball that, like, bounced a foot in front of the plate. I'm a little horse. You didn't limber up beforehand. You know, at this point, given what the voice is going through, a little bit of midwinter congestion, if you will, this is about what I got today. We're going to get through it, and I'm because I'm a gamer, right? But by gamer, I mean, I play a lot of Civ 5.

Five? Yeah. I thought you were on to six. I can't quit five, but I'm breaking six in. Let me see. Let me see. You know who I am. I do already?

Yeah, you know. You don't have to know to know. That's what I'm saying. I feel like I should know, but I don't know that I know. What's the one civ, like the one civ culture that across all games involves, very little development, rapid expansion, constant violence, and very little planning. The big 12th. I mean, this is sounding like Shaka to me.

I am either Shaka or Genghis Khan. Most of the time I am Genghis Khan. Okay. It's a branding thing. It's real hard to turn down the Mongols. In a lot of ways. Yeah, yeah. That was kind of their whole thing. Genghis Khan has a deal for you.

That's the remake of deal or no deal we need. Yeah, Genghis Khan used cars. Come down here. Buy this car and we'll kill you. That's the deal. Genghis Khan's used cars. Remember, they're a traveling horde. So all the cars arrive on your street.

You will be buying one. And that's the whole deal. Or we'll burn your house down. And then you'll still buy one. And then you will become a car. You'll have to carry their car. Trade-ins, not option. Nah, we're going to take all your cars.

Gangus Con Motors. Do you have a car fax for this? Nope, I got a sword, though. I got facts about this car. I got a car axe. Got a shitload of arrows. Carcats. That brings us to podcast business.

Podcast business, Spencer. Give it to us. Podcast business. Best you can't. What's that business? Podcast business. Man. It's a business.

I feel like you're going on motors you come down here will kill you All right so Spencer we have a business opportunity for you Not for Spencer Spencer doesn't have money Hey venture capitalists who listen to this program Because it's part of the Vox Media Podcast Network The Podcast Network for Venture Capitalists Hey you want to give us millions of dollars For a huge growth scale opportunity thing

wow that sounds like we are going out for our first round of funding we have been uh self-valuated at 10 billion dollars we're calling this series x funding i know it doesn't make sense but it sounds aggressive yeah like weapon x yep uh so so you know how folks this is the kind of thing where you you condescent and act like you're only talking to the ladies out there like the ladies and their husbands you know like so ladies you know when you're going around the house filling up your microwaves, and you have a front-loading microwave, but you wish it was more like a washing machine, a top-loading washing machine. You know when you jam a bunch of spaghetti, loose spaghetti into your microwave to heat it up,

and then you open it and all just spills out on the floor? Ugh. You know where it's Skip Bayliss's house and there's a fucking microwave on the floor, like he's crang or something, or like literally in the floor, like a trap door, and you just dump spaghetti down Skip Bayliss's floor and then it gets vaporized while it's in the basement

and you scoop it out with a net? You know what? You know I eat all my food off the floor, right? To remind myself that I'm a dog and I could be hungry at any instant. Well, what if your dog had a microwave on the floor? That's right, folks.

Invest right now in Brian, what's the name of our company? The, um, uh, uh, uh, Scar loading microwaves Scartor Skartor Vidgo Vidgo

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You just dip a big ladle in there and scoop it out It protects you from the harmful radiation You don't have to change the nuclear rods You can put what you can stuff way more food into your microwave. Yeah, you can get a fucking plunger and just jam all the pizza you can in there. It's like a nuclear blender.

And then think about the hours you save. Those are hours you spend making money. That's right. This is the first microwave that makes you money. Makes you money. Fellas, you want to surprise your lady. Get her a microwave that doesn't need to be cleaned because you can't even see the mess. Venture capitalists only eat.

one meal a day. But how are they supposed to microwave this Titanic meal in a standard front-loading poor person's microwave? Answer, the top-loading microwave. Even better idea. I've always thought, I've always thought the most inconvenient thing about a microwave was that I couldn't heat something up that had a lot of water in it and then immediately and inevitably get scalded from the steam. No more. Yes. You know, the best part about this invention is that it could be easily solved by just turning your microwave 90 degrees on the counter impossible god damn it ryan we're trying to get money here so all right i will top you i have a better idea okay all right so gravity tends to go in one direction there are some exception to this rule but generally only goes in one direction now

what do you do with your food when you eat it it goes down your throat you see what i'm saying bottom loading microwave microwave on your ceiling wow you shove your food up in there slam the door shut really fast. Stand under it. It gets nuclear vaporized. Then you open the door and you are in a soup shower. You become sort of a stargate for food. Yeah, now you are the bottom-loading microwave.

What is our other piece of podcast business? Our other piece is this, that this podcast, I would like anyone listening and within the sound of their voice to know a couple of things. It is a production of Banner Society, one of the most dominant brands on the Internet today, and definitely the only college football website featuring the only college football podcast. We do have an NFL podcast. And the only top loading and bottom loading microwave.

That's right. That's right. Additionally, we also have an opportunity for any candidates within the sound of my voice and those unseen and unheard past the frontiers of this broadcast, you can reach your target demographic. How many people in Iowa in South Carolina and early primary states are currently listening to this going, I really want to know what does the full cast want me to do once I enter the voting booth and pull that lever for the candidate of my choice. It's all anybody's really asking about. Just check the internet. New York Times isn't going to give you a clear

answer, are they? No, they're going to endorse two people at once, right? So it falls to us. The podcast of record the blue gray lady there are no ties in football anymore all right at least not in sanctified college football all right it's not going to happen here either we're going to pick someone we're going to stand by them and you know how we're going to pick them the same way everyone else picks them whoever pays us the most money that's right all you need to do is send us a check and we will endorse you. I think at this point we're choosing between two candidates. It's going to be either Michael Bloomberg, who I'm told has money,

and Tom Steyer, who I don't know anything else about him other than he has money. Is he the workout one? No, I think that's... Who's the workout one? That's Bernie Sanders. Yeah, that's Bernie. Bernie's just deadlifting, man. It's sick what he's putting down.

No, this is Bernie's respectable deadlift numbers aside. in this presidential year, the one who's deadlifting is, I believe this is John Delaney. He's another guy with money. If you're pulling at 1%, you are indeed deadlifting. Anyway, you're pulling your weight

and not much else. You're pushing and pushing and it's just dead. I think it's fair to say that if you're pulling this low, it's not working. Whatever you're doing is not working. And we can agree that whatever you're doing is not giving the shutdown fullcast $950,000.

of your own money. Although really, if we were searching our hearts of being honest, Delaney would be our candidate because there's a shot of him. He's like kind of a frumpy, angry looking guy. And he's going down a corn slide at the Iowa State Fair. And he looks like a man who is enjoying the cornslide less than any human being has ever enjoyed the cornslide before. Perfect.

Like he looks like an action figure that you bent in. half and then just pushed down he's perfectly erect from the waist up and then his legs are completely straight out and the expression on his face is of somebody passing a kidney stone it is amazing he's he's clearly the most full cast candidate and that's saying a lot in a field that did have marianne williamson in it however we're focusing on the two people who have the most important qualifications for office and that's tremendous amounts of money and zero judgment Mike Bloomberg, let us know. Let us know.

We're here to deliver voters to you. There are at least 35 people in Iowa listening to this right now. And judging by the poll numbers, should you buy them all, that will double your vote counts in the state. Hey, Tom Steyer. That's his name, right? Doesn't matter. Okay. Mr. Steyer, I have an investment opportunity for you.

I am leaving topmicrowave.com, and I'm launching my... own company where I'm going to launch no load microwaves. It's just going to be a rock, a uranium rock. You put your food next to it. There are no walls. And then your food is done. We had something going here. No, it's time for me to cash out.

I'm taking my 50% of the company, Spencer, Spencer, you didn't invest in time. Damn it. Yep, sorry. Business is ruthless. That's fine. I use my 50% to acquire the remnants of Toys R Us. Wow, that's pretty smart too. Yep, yep.

Now toys are you. Toys are me. So we did have a football topic for today, believe it or not, those of you who have... Bloomberg, 2020. Bloomberg, 2020. We will set up a Venmo for this. Right, yeah, we're going to set up a Venmo. Actually, Venmo is United States secured.

Do something a little friendlier to the tax profile, Brian? Sure. Just ask, bud. He's got something, I'm sure. Yeah. We'll get that set up. Well, I got Slovenian Venmo. Can't trace it.

Low price of 800 grand. I know we were in 900 for the savings and bringing you down to 800. Oh, y'all don't use Moon, Venmo. Venmo? Ven Moon. So the football topic for today is 2019 LSU. very good sports team. I think we can all agree. Some would even say the best team in its particular sport. Some would even say the best ever. I think there are several different cases for it as blogged

at banner society.gov.com. Sorry. So the question I wanted to pose to y'all and the readers as well is if you had to pick one team to beat 2019 LSU, we'll say we are time portling them to the same place and neutral site. It's happening at some point when they have, you know, they've had a month to train or whatever. That is not a long list of teams that you have a high degree of confidence in, I would assume, but what would be the first names on your list? This is a boring answer, but last year's Clemson team, honestly. Like, they just look better.

Based only on this, they look better than this year's Clemson team. So I feel like they have a better shot. And this year's Clemson team was very good. Yeah. I think, I mean, I think that's one of the best choices. This year's Clemson team plus an NFL defensive line. And that could have come in really handy because they got, they got to Joe a few times, but what if they did like twice as many? Plus a Hunter Renfrau. It's good to have one of those. I'm going to go ahead and just because I know we want to see it. And I would just go ahead and take the 2010 Auburn Tigers. I just want to see Cam. So just Cam Newton is what you're taking. Yeah, no, that's what you're picking.

Okay. Right? Like, because Auburn's not going to stop them. That's very, very silly, right? However, Auburn had enough talent that year to disrupt an offense, just enough. And yes, yes, Joe Burroughs an entirely different challenge. But if I'm going to get a negative... Fortunately, defensive coordinator Ted Roof is here, so...

If I'm going to have... have King Kong Joe Burrow on one side. I want Mecca Godzilla, Cam Newton, on the other. And I'm just going to see what happens for entertainment purposes, right? The other serious answer is the 2013 Florida State Seminoles because, yikes, that offense would, that offense is still a handful. So, and they might be able to stay in a shootout with them. So, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and hedge and take those two.

I'm calling a tie because, again, no one's paid me to make a decision. Spencer, you are going to want to surround those 2013 Knowles with a ring of towels given the benefit of hindsight got to keep the got to keep the signals tight come on baseball like they're stealing they're stealing our signs elementary school brain sport good god i don't i don't think there is a team older than oh five texas that i would say this team has a pretty good chance to do it like there are hundreds of other teams where i'm like well that would be interesting, you know, and they might have a chance, but 05 Texas is the oldest one where I'm like, all right, let's put them within, you know. Miami fans have now, stop the podcast and

are out now tweeting homophobic slurs at Jason for the next week. We lost eight listeners. I welcome all seven canes. We also want to note 2019 Ohio State, which SP Plus still ranks ahead of LSU. Now all the angry Ohio State fans are in Bill's mention. So we've lost Miami fans and Ohio State fans. And as several of our readers pointed out, 2019 Alabama with a healthy tour. Why is that, why is that significantly different from the actual game that was played that way? Is it just the neutral? Like, what are we talking about here? Because it was pretty close. Okay. Yeah. Even with an unhealthy Tua. he was he was reasonably healthy he there so he had two weird turnovers you know weird for him

yeah weird for anybody but definitely weird for him um if you take away like one of those i don't think the defense is good enough this year i am like i don't think this defense they they certainly didn't do a ton to slow down lSU when they actually played i don't like i get that too is a great player and I'm not trying to suggest he's not but I don't that doesn't feel like the part where you would have to flip it to me like why wouldn't you just go 2017 Bama then perhaps to any of the last four Bama teams there's an argument maybe some sort of huge hulking mecca Bama I mean if you want to combine them then fuck everybody get out of the way yeah and Ryan that you mentioned the first time we talked about this was 2019 Ohio State never got a

shot quite possibly the best team in the country just had like a bunch of drive stall out and a couple weird bounces we'll call them bounces against clemson refs did their best is that we're calling it oh the refs just got got the bounces today refs said bouncy eyes and i got the bouncies boys that is a good way to put it ah the refs just got some weird breaks yeah i want to see if this pattern and holds by the way none of us reached immediately for an alabama team yeah which is why i think like i think there's a natural reason for that which is when alabama's been this good and this dominant for this long you just kind of lump them over into like the alabama drawer don't bother

sorting them just pour them into the bama drawer they're all the same i mean it's very hard to like so like florida state if you say best florida state team of the last 20 years that's easy as hell if you say best bama team of the last decade you have to like fuck who was on with you know it really all runs. 09 was special, you know, the Tua was a special quarterback. Other than that,

man, it's been the same. You can probably make it. 2012 is the other one that was like clearly better than everybody else in the sport at that point. They're like a full six points ahead,

almost a full six points ahead of number two and SP Plus. Yeah. So basically, you know, any of these teams and then fucking any Bama, sure. could give LSU a really good game and possibly win.

That seems fair. I think that seems fair, but, like, that's the problem with having such a homogenous product is that we can look at this LSU team and go, damn, that is the best LSU team I will ever see, ever. If there's better, they're going to be astonishingly, brain-meltingly good. And with Alabama, you're just like, I don't know, that's just another, that's just another Maserati.

This exercise that we've done in various iterations, Jason's written some stuff on it, we tweet about it, we're talking about it now, it makes me, it keeps leading me to one question. Was 2,000 Oklahoma any good? Because they never, like, I feel like we don't even mention them, consider them, even to sort of say, nope, not them. But this is a team that beat like a bunch of ranked teams and most, Most games in the season were holding their opponents under two touchdowns. And, like, yeah, the national championship was pretty dumb,

but it is funny that Florida State lost the game 13-2. But, like, am I right in thinking that, like, yep, does not even merit consideration because of Jason White's jeans or something like that? I think that's pretty fair. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that would be Josh Heifle. Oh, right, right. Josh, that's UCF head coach. Josh Hypo, an all-inspiring athlete.

And then what do we got? Nate Hibble is the backup? Nate Hibble, I believe, is the backup on that team. So looking at SRS, the rating system, it has Oklahoma that year third behind Miami in Florida State. Okay. You could say that's fair, that's unfair, but, you know, overall SRS of 21 and a half is not particularly exciting.

Okay, that's fine. Yeah, and that Florida State team, like that 13-2 game is one of the weirdest games of import in recent college football history because that is Mark Rick trying to coach Georgia and put an offensive game plan together. That is Oklahoma suddenly realizing what, I don't know, I guess no one else in the ACC could notice for an entire year. They're like, that's an immobile 27 year old quarterback back there. Hmm. I wonder if we can do something with that. I just realized that I think I'll have to check the numbers here, but I think 2019 Ohio State is SRS's highest rated team since 1971, Nebraska.

And they didn't win the title. I will say, I don't generally like this as a metric, but for that 2000 Oklahoma team, here are all the players they had drafted in the following draft. Torrance Marshall went in the third round. Josh Heiple went in the sixth round. End of list. Well, yeah.

There are a weird couple years there, man. Eric Crouch has a Heisman. Like, no one was paying attention for a couple years there. Yeah, I don't feel real, real good about putting that team out there, period. This, by the way, is it time to, oh, is it time to make the case about 2001 Miami yet? You want to hold off. Sure, go for it. Nah, just make it happen.

It's going to happen. So the thing, so our, this program being what it is, obviously, we're going to, going to quickly be done with the serious business and moved through the stupid shit. Well, we started with non-loading microwave. So I think we've fulfilled that obligation for at least a few more minutes. You mean the serious business? Yeah, I agree. Yeah, this is very serious.

I can't believe you betrayed me. So, Spencer, you should do the all-loading microwave. That's right. Bad boy bottom-loading microwaves. You know, by the way, this is like, like the bad boy mowers has already a splintersect of bad boy mowers right that they have a splinter company there's like a batter boy mowers that's not the name the worst boy mowers it's a family business and the two brothers have had some sort of falling out so bad boy mowers now has a rival company you have to find the name of it i will find i will find

the name of bad boy mowers uh or you can do this well you can do this well spartan mower is it really Spartan mower? I think so. There is no way the Spartans gave a goddamn about lawn care. No. Unless it was like, you know, water your lawn with blood. Yeah. I'm making sure this is great. This is right.

Spartans were so fucking overrated, by the way. So speaking of overrated, 2001 Miami. So the reason we all love this team is they had an insane number of pro bowlers. They had what, something like three Hall of Famers when it's all

sudden done pro something like that um insanely talented quite possibly the most talented college football team ever as far as names and individual skills go um but we are a little bit nostalgia drunk on this team if you go back and you look at what they actually accomplish as a college football team it was good it was good uh they didn't play a schedule anywhere near as hard as 2019 lsus they had a couple close calls and some pretty lesser teams you know, you look at the roster and you don't see a single weakness. Up the middle, it's Reed, Vilma, Wilfork. That might be the best backbone ever of a defense.

But then you look on the other side. And yet, it's loaded, loaded at running back, you know, every other position group on until you get to Ken Dorsey at quarterback. Ken Dorsey was the 17th best quarterback in the country that year. the 17th best quarterback in the country. This year was, I don't know, Jack Cone of Wisconsin. Is Jack Cone equivalent to the quarterback of the best team in college football history? I'm pretty sure LSU would, 2019, LSU, would hold Ken Dorsey to like seven yards.

Like, is 2001 Miami-O-C. Rob Chudzinski going to riddle Dave Aranda? No, I don't picture that happening. That's former Cleveland Brown's head coach, Ron Chudzinski, there. One of several one-year Cleveland Brown said, put some respect on his name. So, like, if any pre-05 team is going to give 2019 LSU a challenge, yeah, 2001 Miami, if they can, you know, make the game not about the QV because, you know, no disrespect to Ken Dorsey. He was good enough, quite evidently, but he's not Joe Burrow, you know. And maybe the canes have an edge in, you know, several position groups in a head-to-head battle here.

but there is one position that outweighs any other position group. So, O-1-Kains, awesome, awesome at the time. We have inflated them due to seeing what they did in the NFL ever since. And here's one interesting thing to me. If you go back and look, you know, consensus all-Americans year by year, for a national champ, you'd expect to have, like, LSU had four this year. O-1, Miami had two. Did they get that right?

Did they get that wrong? I don't know. Either way, the point is, In 2001, we did not really, you know, unanimously think of this Kane's team as like, my God, this is the greatest thing ever. You know, we thought this team is awesome. It's one of several awesome teams from the state of Florida, you know, maybe the best. But we did not think, Jesus Christ, it's the greatest college football team ever.

Stamp it, hands down. No argument. There is an argument. I will say there's one place where they match up really nicely with LSU. Like, even through the midst of time, even if the offense itself definitely wouldn't be able to keep. pace with LSU, they match up really nicely across the secondary. They do, like Philip Buchanan, Mike Rumpf, Ed Reed, Ed Reed, oh, God, the things he would be able to do against that passing offense would, I mean, I don't think he'd stop them,

but there'd be a couple of spectacular moments along the way where he would completely baffle Burrow. James Lewis at Strong Safety, if you went to the nickel, because he's in the second string, freshman Sean Taylor. would be that dude, which I'm okay with, that's a nice spot to have. That's one place where, like, defensively, that is a robust challenge for LSU. Yes, the defensive talent is insane. Like, I'm willing to grant, you know, most talented defense, best college defense, anything you want to say about the defense. Okay, but here's the question I have.

In some ways, Miami is a victim of the BCS being the BCC. because it, to me, it's essentially like saying, okay, what if LSU, Oklahoma had been the national championship game, which kind of fits because Nebraska was, I think, number four in the AP. They got, you know, Florida, Florida lost Tennessee, and then Tennessee lost in the SEC championship game, and then Oregon didn't get picked. So I guess my question is, if you swap me out, let's say that Oregon team, that Joey Harrington, Mike Bellotti, Oregon team, and they're the ones who, I don't know, Let's say they get stumped by Miami in the Rose Bowl.

Does that change your opinion, or is it still just you have a Ken Dorsey and therefore you cannot compete in this. I think who you play is who you play and it does complicate the argument, you know, and you could play the shittiest schedule and still like 2013 Florida State. That is not an incredible schedule, but we still readily acknowledge that's one of the best teams ever because of what they did to it. The O.1K's like, yes, I'll agree they're still one of the best teams ever. but for me the differentiator is you know i don't picture

2019 ls u needing a pick six to beat boston college it's just it's just so stupid that we used to like i get that people have feelings about the playoff and i'm not even going to say those feelings are wrong we used to live in a world where where colorado fucking stomped nebraska in nebraska's last game of the year the game that knocked nebraska out of the big 12 championship game and they still went to the national time yeah that was the very very fun thing about this season is everyone

knew we were just serving someone up to the canes it was like who else was it Oregon was in there yeah Florida this was the year Florida plays the late game because of September 11th against Tennessee yeah and they lose Tennessee then swings that momentum into losing to I think LSU

and the SEC championship game yeah but like so like I don't want to Nebraska lost to Colorado 62 to 36 they almost got fucking double up and they still got to play for the national championship. The BCS was so bad and so dumb.

It was, I mean, it's hard to have one system that fits every year. And this year, this year and 2011, we should have just said, come on, we have a number one. We don't need to go through with this. Yeah. I mean, by the way, like this is now, now we've just managed to diversify this stupidity of the BCS, right? Because we know we're going to get one game every year where it's like, well, Oklahoma.

it's been cool you're going to go in there we're going to try real hard you're going to get a juice box at the half that's still happening but the good news is that's not we're not taking the risk that that's the only thing we have that's that was the problem with the bcs is you could be like well sorry folks that's all we have played for tonight sorry i made i made a one plate meal and that plate is ruined so unfortunately we had a diagonal loading microwave So I don't want to shit on wholesome memories of the O1 Cain's lovable, treasured team. I will shit on memories. I will apply a little bit of context before you declare they're the best team ever in there.

I would also state this. They get such a massive bump from what everyone did after they left Miami. Exactly. That's all I'm saying. That's no. That's just to sum that up, make it clear for everybody. There's another bump here is that they were fucking fun. Well, there's cocaine.

Yeah, fair. But they were fun. Like, I think a part of what weighs into this is, like, this LSU team was a lot of fun, and that's part of why we think of them the way we think of them. And, like, most of the other teams we're talking about were a lot of fun. Like, 05 Texas was a fun team. Lots of, there are good Texas teams that are not that fun. They're part of why maybe we don't have more Alabama teams on here is because

some of those teams were not as fun. Oh, in Miami is fun as shit. Yeah. no they're great they're fine um they would also lose to this lSU team that it's a little bit like saying what is the most what is the best car you can buy and like the child who's like a speedboat they're like well i i agree that a speedboat is fun and very fast but i don't think it's the best car you can i you know whenever anybody recommends a team from the past and says like oh 71 nebraska you guys are just you got to mention them no one actually says

this or cares, they don't, right? Because they'll never have to prove it because the reason I will invent a time machine is so I can do this and I can watch 71 Nebraska lose by 80 points, right? That's the sole reason I'm going to do this and master physics and the established new lines of science as we know it is just so I can shut people up who go. Oh, man, the dolphins are still undefeated. Meanwhile, 71 Nebraska is like, well, they had bananas at the locker. room. I've only seen that twice in my life. Can I give you a little fact about 71 Nebraska? Okay. It's this. Do you know how long they'd had a weight room? Three goddamn years. Three. They had three more than anybody else. That's correct. What you're seeing in 71 Nebraska is, oh my God, they have bananas and a weight room. They've exercised.

And I picture the pack 12 having one of those like weight jiggling belts that they just rotate. I guess at this point it's the pack eight but all right Arizona it's your turn with the jiggly weight belt well Arizona State Arizona State actually had like Arizona State not a member at the time right they weren't a part of the pack eight yeah but Arizona State at the time had some some weights going on I think Maryland had them but Nebraska was the first one to go maybe they deserve their own room and by the way we're not talking real complex weights here when they started paint cans on a bar like literally that's what boyd epley had started with and boyd epley strength coach genius and legend he had one guinea pig for his experiments on figuring out what the best way to combine power lifting

Olympic lifting and bodybuilding was that guinea pig was boyd epley boyd epley who at the time i believe was 27 just said well i guess i have weightlifting is my job so i've got to lift all the weights Captain Arizona He did For like two For like two years All Boyd Epley did Was like drink milk

Eat whole loaves of bread And lift all the time He's like well boys You gotta look like this Let's go Am I gonna fight the Nazis? No you're gonna golf You're gonna golf and you're gonna punt

Do I really need to lift all these weights? Yes Everybody's got to look like Boyd by the way Captain Arizona Arizona children look up to you The Super Serum is ingested via smoking it. Yeah, vaping it. We vaping. We vape. We vape the super syrup. People have been trying to create the secret super,

Super Soldier syrup known as Monster Energy drink for decades. Seventy years ago, I went into the sand. It's wild. It was 1971, and I had a DVD copy of Boondock Saints. It's nuts. Red Skull, you idiot. Just use suntan lotion. I have to find the Tesseract. I was going to sell it for weed. So the 71 Nebraska thing, the argument is, I think I would define it like, if you say most accomplished team, there's an excellent case for 71 Nebraska, but 71 Nebraska versus the 01 gains. Like, they're going to lose by 50. This is like calling Spanish flu, like the most dangerous, like infection.

And of its time, yeah, it sure fucking was. But in 2020, it's not. Sure, or the Mongols. Genghis Khan would not get a lot done these days. I don't know. You tell him I said that. You tell him I said that. Meanwhile, Peter Thiel's like, and I'm writing you a check and you, there you go.

Shit. Yep. Genghis, I'm telling you. Zombie Genghis Khan at my door to sell me a call. Genghis Khan, use voters. What a Genghis Khan, but online streaming video? Spencer, Spencer, you have a deeper Nebraska heresy in you, don't you? I do.

I do. And it's a team that I, before watching the LSU team, had pretty much universally recognized as the most dominant college football team of all time. And they wouldn't be against this LSU team for a lot of reasons, a lot, all of which I'm about to tell you, hey, 1995, Nebraska. Oh, so big and so strong. You come in and sit down. I'll tell you all the reasons you're weak. This is why. Because, first of all, I'm just going to give you this.

1995, Nebraska ran the option, okay? I mean, they ran the old school option. Was it ingenious? Yeah, yeah, they ran a lot of ingeniously constructed eye form option. They even put in some spread principles, constantly evolving. Football geeks love to do this. Like, oh, it's all these little tweaks to the things. Yeah, that's cool, right?

LSU has like seven 300-pound noseguards. You know what you can do to little tweaks in innovation? Throw a 300-pound noseguard at it, right? This is a game where a backup defensive end who weighed 280 pounds was bringing down Travis Etienne. That's not, Lawrence Phillips and Amon Green are not going to scare anybody on that roster. Is Tommy Frazier the best option quarterback I've ever seen?

Yeah, probably. You know who can chase him? Anybody on LSU's defense. Anybody. They were facing faster players against Clemson who were playing in more confusing schemes with better planning. And yes, I'm going to say it, even better nutrition and training than the vaunted Nebraska strength program for some of you who are going, oh, yeah, that Nebraska strength program with the quotes behind it, just say it.

You think they were on PEDs. I assume, by the way, that most championship teams have some degree of PED use. I'm going to say PEDUs instead of cheating or doping because, I don't know, you didn't get caught. So, and the stuff you're using, it's probably like several generations of half. head of whatever they know about in terms of banned substances, right? So I'm just going to assume when people are like, oh, man, Nebraska was on roids. They weren't alone. It was the mid-90s.

Everybody was on roids. I was on roids. You were on the gas, right? That's how we hit 40 home runs, me and you. Peter Jennings was jacked out of his fucking mind. I'm Peter Jennings. And I will break you. That's how Mariah Carey hit 30 home runs.

That's how Carson Daly got famous. He just walked in MTV and started destroying things. No, Carson Daley was the one person who wasn't on Roids, and that's how he won America's hearts. We're like, look at our soft boy. We love him. He's so sweet and weak. This is what a natural boy looks like. Jow rule on every bit of gas.

Oh, he does is getting hit by the ball and steal second base. So, yeah, that's the Pete Rose of inconsequential video hosts, right? Wow. I said it. that implies a lot more was he betting on t rl what are you saying here carson daly took the ultimate wager he bet on himself he was always falling on his face that much is true yeah so just throw that out there okay i know that they're big and they're strong the size of the players involved when you add these up and you go i don't know man they had they had grant wistram

and they had jason they had the peter brothers remember that yeah jason peter and christian peter neither of which were over 300 pounds. Their defensive end was 255 pounds and 6'5. You want to see a scarecrow fly backwards? Yeah, that's what would happen to Grant Westram against, you know, a pulling guard from LSU and against anyone who's going up against Lloyd Cushenberry, okay, at center. Additionally, once you get to the second level,

there is nobody here who can body up with LSU's receivers. Nobody. Michael Booker, it's probably like the guy in Mike Minter, Like, Mike Minter, yeah, he's a headbuster. He was also 180 pounds. 180 pounds. When you've got Grant Delpit floating around for LSU, like, 205, 210?

Now head coach, now head coach of the Campbell fighting camels. I need this gear immediately. We can get this gear. Campbell fighting camels have to have some outstanding gear. Homefield, get on it. Mike Bloomberg, buy us camel gear. Mike Bloomberg, buy us the Campbell fighting Campbell's, the program, the school. And a camel.

You know, we would tell him like, oh, it's like $1.2 million to just get the whole operation under our thumb. And he'd be like, is that a lot of money? Seems like a lot of money. I don't know. Here, take it. It's in North Carolina. That's a swing state. Mike Bloomberg, get on this.

We can get you polling at tens of decimals. Tense, I tell you. he would definitely like this. You know what? You know what camels do? They carry water. Huh? That's all we want to do.

That's all we want to do for you, Mike. And the important thing is that water's not soda. Yeah. Like the offensive line, by the way, like there's a better deal there. But all they're going to be. There probably is a North Carolina camel full with cheer wine and it's hope to be clear. And when I find it, and when I find it. He's going to kill.

it and drink it. I'm going to kill it, drink it, and please, my lord. Or are you going to milk it? Yeah, I'll just keep it to myself. With a straw sticking out of its back. Source, I found it. Like, it's real cool, by the way, that this offense has like, Joel McAvica, I love Joel McAvica.

He was like a zero star, nothing recruit, okay? He'd probably be okay, but also he's not going to be able to pick up anything in terms of blitzers that LSU was sending, right? uh in addition to that like the guard like the offensive lines they can reach block that'd be fine if i get you in third long what are you going to do technique was it's not looking real good it's just not Tommy fraser he's awesome i'm not going to include him in the slander i just won't everyone else though dominated by lSU it's not by the way like this nebraska team wasn't super dominant it's just that they were like the end product of 20 years of development like literally

like 20, 25 years of development. This team was the crown jewel and this entire structure and in terms of the end progress of the program. Like, what did they look like when they figured it out to like maximum effectiveness? It's this 95 team. They play in a good big eight.

They beat three top 10 teams. All of the teams that they beat go on and just romp in the bowl games, just destroy people, right? They do receive some favorable matchups. But I did say bowl game. Correct, including, by the way, number 19, Texas A&M, who defeats Michigan, 2220. I just wanted to mention Michigan losing there.

I don't know why. It's a bit of self-hatred considering I have two Michigan tats. But they go on to try to split a title with Nebraska. So, like, 90s, Michigan, I'm always kind of iffy on your claims here. So remember, you lost the Texas A&M, something literally no one does in the SEC. No one, not a team. Don't mention one. Arkansas does.

Every single year, exactly. But it's always real close. The 95 Huskers, I feel like if you were to translate them into modern terms, it might be something like the 2014-2015 Buckeyes, like very, very run-heavy team, but still insanely fast, you know, relative to the people around them. But that is 20 years of time that is not on Nebraska's side if they played an actual game.

Yeah, and I actually also, when people go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's rewind this. Because what about Florida? Because they ended up putting it on Florida, right? Well, yeah, 6224. It's one of the biggest ass beatings you will ever see in your life. A Gator team that really, like, in terms of being on someone, like someone being on their bumper,

you know, there's not many people go, Oh, man, I remember that. Yeah, like they were, it was actually a competition. However, I will posit, it actually was when Florida had to play some ranked teams. They weren't quite as productive. They were good. They weren't quite as productive. They weren't quite as dominant.

This was a team that all along looked like a, look like a team that, you know, had some defensive vulnerabilities. Here is the best way to summarize that. If you go to the wiki page for this Florida team, they have 10. offensive players listed the roster is not full by any means but they have 10 offensive players listed they have two defensive players listed that is correct so therefore florida only had two defenders no wonder they lost yeah i believe i believe that's uh that's the triple option always makes both guys wrong exactly and they only had two guys so everyone else is just kind of stuffing yeah this was not a defense that was uh necessarily equipped to face a

real, real good running team. And when they did, they did give up some yardage. So what I'm saying, 62, 24, with the gift of a mere, what, 25 years of hindsight, 24 years of hindsight, probably a little more predictable than we expected. So I just don't see them being able to, what happens when you get a triple option team on their back, right? And what happens when they're a turtle? They cannot write themselves. They cannot keep pace. And also, So modern defenses, modern defenses would absolutely humiliate what Nebraska would try with that offense. So now that we've committed various blasphemies, let's pivot toward teams that you wouldn't say, I will bet they can win. Teams where LSU instead would say, oh, fuck, we have to play them.

Like when we threw this to the readers, the two most popular names they threw out were 2015 Ole Miss. a talented team that is also a mayhem chaos team. It's like if Indiana suddenly signed like four and five stars. It turns out a few too many four and five stars, but they were on the field. They'd shit like Chad Kelly Helmut, doink, scored going for them. And the other team, every reader throughout was Pitt.

Not even a year, just Pitt. 2015 Ole Miss, important to remember, only lost one game in the SEC West and still did not make the SEC championship camp. In the game they lost was extremely 2015 Ole Miss. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I love the 2015 Old Miss.

Should we lightning around through a few of these from the reader folks? Sure. Yeah, please. Finish that, Spencer. Just this, that you don't want any part of depending on them or betting against them. They are the, yeah, they are the perfectly fickle team for this scenario. One, speaking of Pitt, from Drank Williams Jr., everyone saying 2007 pit is so close. 2007 pit with less miles as their coach.

This would combine the shittiest team in the fucking world, to quote, West Virginia fullback Owen Schmidt, that did beat West Virginia with the less miles team that only lost in triple overtime twice. Bunky Perkins has a particularly profane suggestion which is 2007 West Virginia with head football coach Houston Nut that's far too much danger and volatility for me I want nothing I want nothing to do with that pick

this one is a little too real 1990 I want to get to your year right 1999 FSU if Randy Moss had never smoked weed. Remember that? Remember how Florida State couldn't have a player

because he smoked weed? That's a thing that happened. Not that long ago. But like a really fucking good team with really, really, like if you put Randy Moss in this team, it's possible Laverneus Coles and Anquan Bolden barely see the field.

Is it Laverneus Coles and the like, is he in the slot there? It's, it's Coles and Warwick. And Cole's work and Moss would be here. Because Snoop Minnis was, I think, your slot receiver on that team. Oh, my God. Laferrinus Coles, who ran like a 3-8 in the 40? I think Laverine's Coles still ran like a,

I think he ran like a 4-9 and fell down at the combine. Like fell flat on his face and still ran a 4-9 or a 5, despite spending part of it completely flat on his face. He'd be your fourth option. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. I am also terrified to think of like, hey, what if you put Randy Moss and Sebastian Janakowski with free time to get to do that? What would that even? Oh, God.

Just some really good fishing. No, do not want. Matt Berry 05 says 2001 Miami, but with a 12-year-old Cam Newton at QB. We're taking literally what Cam Newton was doing at the time and he's suiting up. And I'm like, you know, even money. He's probably like, what, like 5-11? 190 or something like that. I'm sure you can run.

Let's try it. There's one problem with this. I think the harder part is teaching Miami to run a shotgun. That's way harder because they were so pro-style it hurt. Yeah, you were so willing to Rob Chensitki. Hey, buddy, we're going to run in 1910s offense. What? Yeah, just run that way.

How? I need complex diagrams. My diagrams. My spreadsheets. Listen, just give it to this. 12-year-old kid from Atlanta, okay? Make sure the check clears to his dad and just give the ball to this 12-year-old.

I enjoy Staircase Witt's suggestion, which is 2014 Ohio State, but with a fourth string, QB, unstoppable. My God, their final form. Wow. And he's like eight feet tall. Like they did get bigger and bigger sequentially, didn't they?

This is a team I don't remember at all. This is from Wise Tender Snob. 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes, an underrated chaos team as a boost. I'd make LSU play them the week after we killed Osama bin Laden. So Ricky Sting would be a maximum Americaness. Does Iowa fucking entrance to like Kurt Engels music? He does what Kurt Engel did when he was real off on the perks, right? Does the like flying ass flip?

into his opponent, onto Joe Burrow. Wow! This is an extremely, extremely all over the place, Iowa team, that went to Beaver Stadium and beat at the time number five, Penn State, beat Michigan, beat Wisconsin on the road, beat Michigan State on the road, lost their first game at home to Northwestern, 17 to 10. Just, oh, man.

Jason, go on. I've got one. We have two related to previous LSU teams, and both have family connections here. Jacob Hester of the 2007 Tigers says those tigers just went straight up. And John Chavis' son, an attorney in Nashville, opening a practice with Ryan Nanny, I think, says the 2011 LSU Tigers with Jill Burrow at quarterback, which, okay, now we're fucking talking. I have one from at Manzard. which is 2005, Texas, but I'm sure VY is there in person to finishing second and

Heism, voting to Borough, where VY is the only person in the world who thought he would win and played at the Rose Bowl. A lot of conditionals here, Manzard. But again, I think we are kind of sleeping on how dominant Vince Young was, and I can see an easy Cam Newton argument to work him in here as in, I might only need this player. I don't think Texas' defense is going to do as badly as I think it would. against this attack because one of the few teams

that sort of compares to LSU in terms of production when you go in the last 20 years that 2005-2006 USC offense it's right up there So one team that people threw out was this year's Auburn team

if you gave them a quarterback What I want to ask you is like what is the lowest the least talented and you're going to have to go a pretty talented quarterback That is such a That's an insult to Bo Nix.

Well, Bo Nix was not talented enough to be this, to be an LSU. You know, he was close. No, he was within three points. Oh my God. No, he wasn't. Can Chris Todd get it done?

Don't take that away from Bo Nix. Three points. Take what away. They lost. The ball mostly, because, you know, he has a hard enough time. Can Nick Marshall get it done? He threw for 157 yards.

I made all of them count. On 35 attempts. Efficiency isn't a strong point. He ran, Spencer, he ran for negative 16 yards. You know what? Barrett Trotter. Barrett? What about Ben Laird?

Let's go all the way back. Big old refrigerator of a quarterback in so many ways in that he was cool and not real mobile. Is that what you aspire to me? You know, I'm hitting at about 50% on that and not by choice. Jabon. Now there is a cool customer. I like this one from Zach to Zizzu-Wizzes. Just throw those letters in.

It'll come up. September Maryland. Invincible. Invincible football team. He also adds that Chase Young decides to stay home and play for the Terps. But you had me at September Maryland. September Maryland. and Kofi Yeb was favorite.

He loves him. He loves watching his serps. Did a magnificent video where it was, it was break butts, your wish is my command, right? Where they're playing it, and they're going over the highlights of beating Howard by 75 points.

Like, they're back, and then. It was the We Got Them meme. And then the We Got a meme happens, and they start losing by 40 to everybody. But yeah, September Maryland, unstoppable. I like this suggestion, I just lost it.

J.R. Howard, 81, 1999 Virginia Tech, coached by Paul Johnson. God, yes. Oh, please. I mean, they'd lose, but God, yes. Yeah, but it'd be a fun loss. I want to watch it.

Some people threw out, like, World War I and two shit. No, go away. 1949 Notre Dame, get, please. No, stop. Absolutely not. Are they fighting on a train? mention World War I?

I like Dakota Moyer's suggestion of 1916 Georgia Tech, but every player is Derek Henry. Okay. Well, now we're talking. All right. Oh, God. I can really not think of ways that 222 to 0 could be worse. Every player is Derek Henry makes it worse.

Every player is Derek Henry. Just did it. Congratulations. You achieved a historical impossibility. That's the game. I don't necessarily want to see that team play in 2020. I do want to see that team play in 1916. I sent Derek Henry back in time

He killed the Kaiser for us You send him back to 1916 They think he's a nuclear weapon They literally think he's the Terminator No He is He is true I don't have any evidence that he's not

He would be He would literally He'd be the don't shoot him You'll just make him mad guy I would also appreciate this. Wait, does that mean Ryan Tannahill is the future of the revolution? Oh, God. Fuck. God damn it.

All that stands between us and Sky Night is Ryan fucking Tannahill. I can't wait for the Titans to do this. Man, look at our playoff run there. We really did something. We got something cooking here. We should give Ryan Tannahill $400 million. Well, if he's the future of humanity. Yeah.

Clearly, this is why this all happened. $400 million to Ryan. You need him to have all the resources he needs to lead the revolution. I hope they give Derek Henry the quarterback deal. We've got to lock up our quarterback, Derek Henry. Hey, Ryan Tama Hill, we're franchising you as a long snapper. Given their choices.

Ryan Tanyhill gets the like, well, we don't know how much more tread he's got on those arms. I would be the most antisocial, like, inappropriate agent because I'd walk right in that room and be like, we're trying to get a Bordals deal here, gentlemen. I'm not just, listen, I know you want to make this. stick, and I do too. Hit him with the Bortles tag. Yeah. Listen, listen, law of averages,

every Bordel's deal can't be bad. Maybe this is the one that's genius. See? They've all been bad so far. But that means we're due. Fellows, let's make history. We've been trying to do the right thing for years and it's just not working. Why don't we just embrace the wrong thing?

Bloomberg 2020. Top Loading Microwaves.