Shutdown Fullcast - Who Rescued Who??

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

Spencer has a zoo crew morningImportant trucks we have seen latelyLet's remember some banksLet's remember an embattled Texas funeral commissionerThe 2026 EDSBS Charity Bowl begins Monday, April 20! More on that here.Our small damp Vice President broke the college football playoff trophy and then he broke Ohio StateThe Shutdown Fullcast is on Patreon. This is how we pay our producers, and occasionally ourselves. If you'd like to help with that, give us $4 a month (or a larger, funnier number of your choosing) and we'll give you bonus episodes. As of this recording we have delivered 28 (twenty-eight!!) bonus episodes since launching in August. We think this is a pretty good deal (for you)Now through June 30, 100% of proceeds from PTKU merch sold through the Shutdown Fullstore will be donated to the Transgender Resource Center of New MexicoShutdown Fullcast is produced by Michael Ray Surber Fullcast theme variant arranged and performed by Corey Cunningham DID YOU KNOW: Spencer and Holly write Channel 6, a year-round newsletter that is mostly about football, until it’s notBefore the world ends (again), treat yourself to Jason’s critically praised novel and other workTravel in your mind palace to Phantom Island, Ryan’s new show with Steven Godfrey, which is not a college football show because another simply cannot existCheck out Surber’s band, Killer Antz

Do you have a standout sentence in your mind or a standout experience of the worst or strangest way you've ever been awakened from a peaceful sleep? By a rat in my bed. Okay. Yeah. What part of Florida is this in? I was in a Chinese bus station and there's a little hotel attached threat that you could crash for in the night. That's a werewolves of London lyric. Yeah.

And I look down and there's on my thigh is a fucking rat just staring at me like, morning. His name was perfect. And I immediately threw it at the door. It agreed to leave, which I thought was cool of the rat. And then I realized it did me a favor because I was late for the bus. And the bus was about to leave. So grabbed all my shit. Chris Cross didn't do this first.

Yeah. And then ran to the bus. It was pretty cool. That was a bad way to wake up. I also had a bad way to wake up this morning, which was to the sound of, an animal I did not recognize in my house. It was a cat. It was not my cat.

And it was in my house. And it had come in through a door that was left open on the back of the house and had come in during a lovely evening. If you got to have your door open all night, what a night to do it. Perfect spring evening and morning here in Atlanta, Georgia. The dog was very excited and that's never good. when a dog's excited it's just bad when this dog's excited

super bad it's never it's never good no it is never good this dog who is also on a very thin tightrope herself based on some antics

she pulled on Sunday involving a hazmat level cleanup in and around her cage crate so I wake up to the All the animals looked up like, hmm?

I wake up to the dog bolt upright and fascinated by something, which again, not good. Not good. It's like if I tell you something's funny, something bad has happened if I'm like, oh, man, this is so funny. It's not a good sign. Yeah, smell this. It's not a good sign. Actually, wait, that's literally what she was doing. She was like, smell this.

Yes, she was. So dog is bolt upright, and I hear a hideous, like the sound of. a cat fight. The cats who live there are quiet. I don't think I've ever heard a peep. So this is like this is definitely an unusual occurrence. They are extremely chill.

It's bad. And also senior citizens. They're going to be 16 in July. So if they're, I'm saying if their cat sounds there, something is very wrong. Yeah. Yeah, the cats are not usual noise makers here.

And I hear that. And I immediately bolt up, get semi-decent, and proceed downstairs where I see one cat leaving the, office and I see the dog bolted the office like, ooh, neat. Again, not a good sign. One thing that we try to avoid just as a general life rule with this pack is something

called dog solutions. Yeah. Which in my head is like a corporation. This is like like dog solutions limited. Yeah. I guess dog solutions unlimited. Not a company you want to solve problems for you. Because the thing with hounds is they're problem solvers.

They will find a solution. They will find the shortest possible distance to the angle. They will find the best angle of pursuit, and they will take it. And they don't have second level of thinking. I think they are to, like, dogs are to problems what ER docks are to surgeons. Surgeons come down and they go, what the fuck? Why did you staple this man shut with an actual stapler? And dogs like, fixed.

Yeah, and the ER docs go, fixed. Your problem now. There you go. That's what dogs do. So I get the dog out of there and I look under the bed in that room and I see two pairs of eyes. Big ass eyes. Is that unusual? Eyes under that bed are not unusual because the cats like to hang out under there sometimes.

This is like a daybed couch type situation. You had seen cats leaving the room and I'm going to guess there's not sort of a secret entrance where they could have circled back around. These are also not outdoor cats. not outdoor cats These eyes were outdoorsy These eyes were larger than usual Okay Which is not good

So I get the light under there And I eventually discerned that it is a Big ass cat Not of a color which lives in my house Which is backed all the way up Into the corner of this fucking thing And it is 745 in the morning And already I am filled with a rage

Indescribable to Manbeaster God So What is the dog doing at the this time. Is she anything? What are you looking at? Huh? What is it?

Huh? Huh? Smells weird. Yeah. So I immediately get infuriated at the dog for being a dog. Dog is also hungry at this point. Dog is also hungry. Dog is full of piss and shit.

Like there's a time bomb behind me that's very interested in everything going on and also may explode at any minute. So dogs Sims meters are all maxed out one way or the other. Dog is such not. The dog is the opposite of help at this point. Nothing this animal. Like the only, the best option. is that the dog murders this cat.

That's the best option of like for the like I can solve the problem. Yes, you could. Please get out of here before you do that. Because cleaning up blood is a real pain in the ass. So I get the dog out of there. I get the cat isolated in this room. I create one way out, one fucking way out, okay, of this place. And it leads straight to the door, straight to the door, right?

Got like four or five foot tall pieces of cardboard. I'm not here to criticize you, but you've, you have not had as much cat experience as I have. And you, this is not a good, four to five feet is a nothing barrier to a cat. I found that out because the cat, when I got impatient and kicked the bed to scare it out from under it. So, kicked it. It did, no. Please, I'm obviously a professional from the way the story is unfolding. I kick the bed, cat goes flying out, cat

head butts the window trying to get out, then headbutts the second window. This is a cat who's maybe never been inside a building before. Does not understand glass. Right. Does not understand how it works. Does that a couple of times. Just makes a couple of dead runs at the window.

If the cat had shattered the glass on the way out, incredible. I'd also have been clean it. God, that would have been fun. Fucking Ralphie Wiggum flying through the... Yeah. Like the welcome to jackass moment I did not want to start my day with. The cat then scales out, goes to the second story windows, which are like 15 feet off the ground, and proceeds to bat around there for a minute.

And then as it's trying to come back down on a railing, I swing a net at it, make contact. Where did you get a net? Yeah, you just spawn from your inventory? We have a net in the house just in case birds get in. Because that's happened before. Because that's happened before. Okay. So I swing the net.

at it, make solid contact, and bat it down into the doorway where it finally fucking figures out, oh, I should go outside, and then it runs out. So that wouldn't, that's not the same door it came in through. No, different door. Same outdoors, though. Same, obviously, I'm going to, this is a stupid fucking cat. Yes, it's never been, but at one point it was like, do I go back in where there's the large ape with a stick, or do I go outside?

And it hesitated for a minute. It's like, I don't know. You're too genial. ever consider that? I was not genial in this moment. I was not. I would have shot this cat with a rocket launcher if I had one. I want to ask you a foreboding question. Yes. Do you think the cat's done? So here's the thing. This is probably, of all the animals that live in these woods, this is probably the best available option for what could have come into the house. I left with minimal racket. That door was open all night. Y'all have all been. Y'all have all been.

in this building. Y'all know how many places there are to hide in this weird ass house. I'm not even sure that's the only thing that's in here. Yeah, you got cryptids and who knows what. Probably a deer. There's probably a deer hanging out. Dude, maybe. Maybe, but I can deal with the deer.

The deer, at least I can be like, look, hmm, salt. And the deer would be like, fine. Cat, I have nothing to offer. The cat's motives are inscrutable. Were we recording a show when a bird flew into the house last year? Yeah, around this time. And it died while I was on the mic.

I believe it was last April because it was an NFL draft episode. What that man. But that's, yeah, and then I got the cat out. And then I had to retrace steps. And what I figured was across two floors and three different rooms, there was a fight up the steps where, frankly, the resident cat, one of them fought like fucking John Wick. Which is he's down, and he's at a disadvantage to because he's only got one front tooth. Wouldn't say it was like John Wick if that cat's still alive, brother.

That's true. It's not John Wick if he actually made it up the stairs. Yeah, Spencer. Yeah, that's true. But fought, I found... I'll give you common. That's the best song. Common?

Oh, that's mean. Listen, just comment in that movie. My cat would never chill for AI. Yeah. Imagine the power. Common and John Wick, it just shoots at people while walking next to them in public. And buys him a drink. It's like it's a pretty good of the of the people John Wick fucks up common probably has one of the better times

Okay so so yeah I had to retrace fur everywhere just two primary spots where this cat obviously beat the shit out of the other cat Like just beat the shit I was I was I'm proud of our boy our boy put in work because I cleaned up like a half a cat Worth of fur I could in I could in I could medieval times throw that cat fur into a corner with some dirty rags boom new cat this makes this makes me think like you you sort of dodge the question i don't like this cat is done with you in your house yeah um it better look look how hard look how hard this cat fought to get where it got and now you think it's just done you think this story is over much like john wick i think you're walking away and thinking like eh i have these cat's car and i killed its dog

Surely this will not descend into chaos spanning several movies. Spencer, did you kill this cat's dog? No, I did not. But I will if it wants me to. I will. The Baba Yaga cat is a myth. I didn't believe in it. I had that thing where I forgot how...

Just huge week for Hungarian folklore. If you have an animal in your house that you invited, love of your life, defend it to the... the death. Serve it. I will be a servant for an animal that I invite. I will get you out your own pillow. I will go to ridiculous lengths. Sure. You won't even let suddenly be a detective. What you're describing are the rules of animal pet relations. But again, the whole premise of the John Wick movies is that John Wick breaks the rules. You've met Cat Joker. Like you're saying your house is the Continental and this is, hey, no blood shall be spilt. John Wick, the cat gives no fucks about

your rules. Oh man, we even got weird coins in here. My mom gave me some irradiated dimes when I was home last week. Spencer, what if the cat has adopted you? That was not adoption. That's actually how he came to have

the cat who already lives here. What if the cat has determined you're going to need some training work, so, because clearly you're a little unruly swinging nets at him at 7am. I will continue to swing nets at this motherfucker at 7 a.m. Until he trains you.

It's the regret of my life that I didn't get to see you, Jay. I'm real, okay, several things. Let me stack this because you're already boiling and I could see this. Let me stack things. One, I'm glad nobody's visibly injured. Two, thank you for dealing with this. You're a hero. Three, it is the current regret of my life that I did not get to see you swinging a butterfly net at this strange cat.

And making, and Marty McSorleying this cat? Yeah. regret of a lifetime. That's the thing I've forgotten. It's like when I had, I didn't at one point. I feel like I went to pee at the World Series and missed a walk off home run or something. I did at one point have rats in a previous house from a construction site. Was this also when you were living in the Chinese bus station?

No. This is in Atlanta. And if you have rats in your house, when you think academically of the notion of having a rat, what do you think? Oh, I'll find a safe. And like, I'll find a humane way to get them out of my house. No, I don't think that. No, sir. You're talking, Ryan, you had, you have some very memorable rat experiences.

I have, I have, I have mouse experiences. I've never had a rat in my domicile. Wasn't one of these the inciting incident that caused you guys to move? 100%. Yes, yes. The toilet training. Yes. We were toilet training, my daughter, a mouse skittered across in front of her.

My wife called me and was like, we're leaving. Start looking right now. we're not doing this anymore and we left New York. But no, rats would know. At no point what I think, hmm, how can I re-home this rat, this aggressive, especially a New York rat. Oh, at no point. At no point.

And also, if there's anybody here who's going to think let's re-home this rat, it's Spencer. And I thought about it. And then I had an encounter with a rat in my own house. And instantly, I was like, can you get me the rat super annihilator 5,000? Can you get me a rat that was raised around other rats? Can you get me the Daywalker blade of rats? Can you get me the rat who's like, yeah, I'll make him bleed and then he'll die. But first he'll want to die.

Like, can you get me the scariest fucking way to dispose of it? I want a way to kill a rat where the rat is allowed to tell another rat what is happening and then dies. And then that rat goes back to the other rats. And they're like, don't go over there. Don't do it. You don't want to know, brother. Yeah. I want, like, because that, that changed my perspective on humane trapping forever.

Like, no, I want it to be deeply inhumane. I think it's fine. I think rats understand, like, I think rats have decided they're at war with us, and they understand. There's no pretense. Who is Plano's Pizza Rat be? I think there are certain animals that aren't animals. They're just monsters, you know, like, like, they're enemies. We can get your kids on here to settle this.

Rats are just level one enemies. Roaches are enemies. Mosquitoes are supervillains. You know how in a Zelda game, if you start hitting chickens with your sword, the chickens will eventually attack you, but they won't do that to start. Like, that's not their resting state. Chickens are animals. Chickens are animals.

Rats are the weird little spider things that try to jump down on you and kill you immediately. Yeah, rats are bocoblins. Controversial. Yeah. So you want to deal with them as harshly as possible. Yeah. Yeah. And honestly, they respect them.

going to respawn anyway. That's right. Yeah. And with this cat, honestly, the cat could have gotten me. The cat could have been like, oh, la purr. Yeah, you didn't get a scratch. There was a scenario where you would have welcomed this cat into your home as a permanent resident? I wouldn't have been as big a dick to it. I would have been like, oh, look, fair sir. Here, some kibble. It could have, it could have charmed you. Again, again, though, there are multiple instances where John Witt could defuse the situation with a conversation by trying to be more understanding about the other person's feeling that's not how john wick the cat works john wick is assembling the gun by hand dude comes in the doorway john wick could instead lay down the gun and go nuzzle the guy's knee with the top of his head like a cat that's right that's right the movie has a lot of cat like qualities i would say sure sure i mean yeah and the question is house cat or um like panther who's building a gun by hand yeah you remember kevin you remember kevin nash in the first one He's the doorman. He walks up and says, hey man, you lost some weight.

Looking good. Hey, you might want to get out of here. That could have been him and me. 100%. The cat could have said, hey, dude, listen, just coming through. Little misunderstanding. Think I might go here. But instead, it came in, beat the ass of at least one of my cats.

And when I looked at it and shown a light on it, it looked at me like, it's my house now. And I'm like, oh, okay. I think it's way weirder if like you spot the cat, you get it moving and it just saunters past you when the route that came out. I'm like, that's a witch in disguise. What did it just do door the house? Yeah, I could deal with that.

I could be like, I mean, get a warlock on contract. We'll make it work. Okay, okay. Yeah. Like, I can deal with that. I cannot deal with the arrogance of this cat being like, what are you doing in my house? I'm like, oh, hell no, no, no. Maybe that's the situation now.

Cats in here running my light bill sky high. I'm not having that. Oh my God, Spencer, you were literally air conditioning the whole neighborhood all night. I was. See? Dad's nightmare. It's called fighting climate change. That's right.

Sorry. Kids who are allowed to listen to the full cast, please file that one away to tell your parents, who should not be letting you listen to this. Sorry, some of us care about the environment. Sorry for trying to turn the tide. You know, sorry for trying to, sorry, sorry for trying to re-home an animal. which I did with great violence. No, I didn't accidentally leave the fridge open. I was making up for the Industrial Revolution.

That's true. The transfer wizard made sure that cat transferred right back into the great outdoors. To the shutdown full cast. You are listening to the internet's only college football podcast and cat behavior podcast. That's every podcast. The latter one is every podcast. that's true if you by the way if you have any notes that you want to send me about how i did not behave well in this situation please send them to 38 godfrey um stephen godfrey i think it's actually just

stephen godfrey uh at blue sky dot social yeah yeah blue sky he loves blue sky engage him there um he loves to learn things on blue sky so if there's something you think he doesn't know hit him up just be like hey i heard you didn't know this but you might like it it doesn't even have to be about cats anything no Oh, anything. Blue Sky's about learning. Especially if you frame it as like, did you not know this?

Right? If you have that sort of tone. We've had generational cohort discourse, music industry discourse, and now this. What I want you to do is go for, and this is news to you. Ooh, that's good.

Yeah, that's good. You're surprised because. I like, you know, that's playful and it has an intimacy that I really appreciate from a stranger. I think, assume that this person's most recent post, is a non-ritorical question, whether it has a question mark in it or not. I've been thinking about the paradox of being online, which I think this ties into, which is that,

one, the safest thing to do with online strangers is to assume that they're very stupid, that they're the stupidest people you've ever met, that they don't understand anything, that they don't have any, they can't read context or tone, like, to just operate from the assumption that if you're not somebody that I've ever interacted with, you must be the stupidest person who's ever existed. No judgment. It might be a wonderful person, but very stupid. The flip, the reason why this is a paradox is, if a stranger treats me that way, I'm furious. How dare you assume that I am stupid? How dare you assume that I am an idiot in any way, shape, or form? And so that's the, that's the central, like, disconnect with the internet is I must treat all

other strangers as the world's dumbest person, but never shall that behavior be visited on to me. Great offense if it ever happens. It's a lot like driving. Like, you're in the car, every car around you is fucking up a thousand ways on purpose because they're trying to kill you. Whereas you drive, you're driving and why do these people not understand everything that I went through, getting out of the house this morning? Do they not know that I am four minutes late to, and for reasons that are not my fault

and things of that nature and that I've never driven in this particular state before? and they have weird on ramps. That's not my fault. They're all trying to kill me. Stop honking, I'm sleepy. This is the all true Scotsman fallacy. Stop honking. Stop honking, I'm sleepy.

The Ryan Nanny story. Why not like, keep honking. I'm sleeping. Have you all seen that bumper sticker that says, please be the only bumper sticker I've ever really wanted to affix to my own car, which says, please be patient. I am nine years old. It's a good one.

I saw one. that's around the Cheshire Bridge neighborhood in Atlanta that says, please don't honk at me. My dad is dead. The neighborhood makes this even funnier. People will hesitate. This guy's a fucking idiot, but his dad never taught him out of drive. Boy, he's going through.

Also, it's such a range of like, did your dad die yesterday? and you got that sticker at the funeral, or was your dad not around to show you how to use your car because you're driving not like that. These details should be given out in one of those back window RIP. The details should be getting out of one of those back window RIP decals. There should be like a menu selection. This truck in memory of Rooster, 1965 to 19888.

He's why I'm like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love you, Rooster. All right. We have some really important trucks to talk about because I need to put out a Bolo. Okay. So last week, driving up to Tennessee to see some family, a member of my family who was on her way down from Knoxville for the same gathering saw a truck. This truck was a, I believe she said it was an F-150.

It was white. and on the side of this truck was painted as what she described as the most jacked and muscular slimer from Ghostbusters. Now, that's funny enough. What happened after that was that we posted about seeing this truck online and then a reader hopped in with a picture of a slimer vehicle with jacked slimer on the hood that. that was not this truck. I believe it was a Hellcat. I don't even think it was a truck at all. There's at least two of these people out here.

I need to know everything about both of you. Is there a giant Jim Maxing Ghostbusters underworld out there that we're just not aware of? We're getting old. We can't manage to keep up with every newfangled youth thing. Is this a thing? Are there more of you? Can I join your truck?

tribe. Can I come to live among you like Kevin Costner in dances with wolves? Please teach me your ways. Also, can slimer be shamed for skipping leg day if he does not have legs to speak of? Then Spencer, a couple days later, you saw a third green vehicle of import. Yeah. It was a mid-80s, late-80s Toyota Tacoma. One of the little short trucks. Awesome. Windows down. Like they don't give a fuck.

Gigantic radar detector. Like the radar detector on this thing was big enough to like destroy entire sheriff's department's worth of materials. Right. Like it's like just a big cancer node mounted in the middle of the dashboard of a truck that I assure you does not do more than 70 miles an hour. Like downhill. And in addition to that on the front of it, a gigantic painting of the green gobble.

I mean the old double butt chin green goblin. This one was not professionally done though. Like the two slimmers that I saw were beautiful pieces of airbrushed art. This one was done, let's call it freehand. And and in lettering with like crylon. Yes. And in lettering free hand next to it, in all caps, the question, who made who from the classic ACDC track from the soundtrack of the equally classic maximum overdrive.

I only wish that it had said who rescued who. That's the only note I would have had. Just like adopt, not shop with the mask just floating here. Well, I thought about, you know, like the level of existential angst that I might experience on any given day. What if I just gave it up and was like, man, oh no, man, I just try to live like the green goblin. What is that mean? What does that mean to you? What is living like the green goblin?

Goblin mode is a long-established lifestyle parameter, but I want to hear what you mean. Not being a coward, man. Put on the mask. Put on the mask. It's calling to you, isn't it, Ryan? You know what it is. I don't know what my green goblin mask would be.

You'll know it when it calls to you, brother. All right. Okay. Yeah, brother. Is it moving back to Florida? Because I got to say that shit is, not calling me one bit. You know what?

It's not today, but it might be tomorrow. You know, other people might, you know what? If you move back to Florida, I might be like, that's a villain move by Ryan. The teal goblin mask is called it. Put on the sandals. You know you want to. Terrible.

The Who made Who? The maximum overdrive is the one where it's like the lawnmowers are rising up or whatever, if I recall. Yes. So it sort of applies that like, hell yeah, man. So like, they're coming after all of us. The truck included, this truck itself is warning us. I got that goblin in me.

And when the, you know, when the revolution comes, I will be, I'm coming after you. So like the truck, the truck are just openly calling it shot. I, but yeah, that's what that dude is. I could just let all this go. I could just be like, yeah, man. I think that you for more of a slimer mode guy, to be honest. I mean, maybe. Maybe.

Like, the character is. Jack Slimer feels much more like you're a normal. star than Green Goblin does. The character doesn't really matter. The Goblin has to do a lot of paperwork. It's just I should become one of those people who has, who's like, yeah man, I got a spirit animal and then I just don't worry about shit, you know? Let me check through some boxes.

Okay, in the tenderest way possible, in what way do you think you're not already that person? We can revisit that in another time. I mean, honestly, there's a lot of green characters who just really go for it. You know, like, there's not really, really a whole lot holding back the Hulk. The Ninja Turtles do whatever they want. Shrek is whatever the fuck he wants. Yoda lives by himself in the middle of nowhere. He's kind of like a little Shrek. Never really

thought about that before. Larry from the Veggie. Larry from the Veggie Tales is the more misch. Larry, my God. Yeah. Sorry. Oscar the fucking Grouch. You're going to tell that guy what to do. Luigi. Nobody even gives a shit about Luigi. Grinch can't be stopped. Only the Grinch can

stop the Gris. You're going to tell Yoshi what to do. Yoshi's so green. He'll show up pink and you still can't tell him to do. I think there's only. One green character. Buzz Lightyear's the one with attitude. Kermit? I think Kermit's the only one who self-regulner.

Kermit's the exception that follows. Green Eminem. She's too sexy to live. Kermit's shown up nude in primetime cable for decades. The green Powerpuff girl, she's the fighting one, if I recall correctly. Green, oh, dude, Green Ranger. RIP, Tommy. Yeah.

Green is, you know, just pick a green character, man. Let it loose. And Brian, I don't know what that's going to be for you. I can't prescribe that. But like, I don't know, man. What if, what if one day all of a sudden you just have a vision and you're like, man, Garfield? I'm just about that fucking Garfield. No, that's orange.

It's definitely not. Are you just saying that because he's Italian? Can it be some sort of green Garfield? Some sort of color swap? I'm about that hulked up Garfield. You know? You won't like him when he's angry. First, Green Garfield, the result, he is about to throw up.

All right, that works. Get a nice pan of primavera out there on the countertop, hate on Thursdays. I want to eat so much lasagna that I puke. That's my, that's my Greece Garfield. Yeah, I'm positive. Maybe some sort of Irish Garfield. I could go with that. Oh, God.

Irish Garfield. That's why those cats that's so depressing, it just doesn't move. There is, of course, Nirmel's cousin Ivy. who is a green Garfield I've just now learned. Sure. Wait, is this like in Sonic where we find out that they're fucking and it's canon? I didn't see anything about that, but you never know. You can't be too careful.

Did you know that I watched, thanks to our friend Victoria Zeller, I watched a video that included the slight detail that canonically, Oticon from the Metal Gear Solid Universe is Jewish. Yes. Yes. Just because they listed it in one. In one thing, he is that nothing about his character or anything that happens in the game involves Judaism in any way, shape, or form. But on one like game insert that they created 30 years ago, they were like, yeah, Otocon's Jewish.

We've decided that. It's just kidding. I like that because including this character without including any tropes of any kind is a way of fighting back against stereotyping in media. That's powerful. That's right. That's right. Auticon, by the way, is a guy who, like, wets his pants, and he's not cool. It's Metal Gear.

Like, nobody gets away clean. That's true. I don't think anybody in Metal Gear should have a religious affiliation, quite frankly. Well, they all do, like, all of them are like, every religion at once. It's all the religion of meme. We worship the Netto Machine. Yeah, like, it's like... The battlefield is our lord.

And, like, I would assume. By being Jewish, it means more in the ethnicity sense. Like we say, there is not a scene of Hal Emmerich talking about like, oh, I have to shut off the metal gear because it's the Sabbath. That would be awesome, though. First of all, that would be the most normal thing to happen in any metal gear game. Yeah. Yeah. No, I have to leave the Metal Gear running.

I can't operate it on the Sabbath elevator. I have a machine that keeps it running, but it's not work. I don't do it. The machine is doing it. That's right. You can get it in the Sabbath Metal Gear if you want to. I push a lever that goes up and it lights the candle that then ignites Metal Gear. These are all unexplored in the Metal Gear universe.

Yeah. Just fucking wait. Just Snake being like. Death Stranding Five. Kojima takes on Kabbal. All bar mitzvahs. Just Snake being like, yeah, we've got to go find Dr. Axe face. And all of a sudden somebody in the background pipes, I go, a doctor.

Nice. Wow. Good for him. Once again, you can reach Spencer at 38 Godfrey. That's right. No one's going to give me shit for that. No one. They're going to be like, that is nice.

That's good for him. It's good to be a doctor. Yeah. It's very successful. There's slimer protein powder, just so you guys know. So yeah, he's on that shit. Dehydrated slimer. Oh, gross.

Like these left them out in the sun? It's from a company called EHP Labs. OxySred. Nope. Two spooky limited edition Ghostbusters flavors. Yeah. Yep. Yep.

So if you want to get... Was that acronym? E.H.P. Labs. Ecto. So Egon something Peter. Yeah. Ecto. Who went in on it with them.

Yep. So if you need slimer or protein powder, they... Not a sponsor of the forecast, just to be clear. They really boxed out red. But we do. Interesting. We do stand by their product. Well, it got slimer jacked.

Have you seen him? Used to be a doughboy. Now he's all ripped. Maybe the H is for Ernie Hudson, and he is participating out of character. I think what's depressing is that slimer on this protein powder is not depicted as ripped. He's just, he's just regular slimer. Like they didn't go the extra mile. Jacked slimper.

I shouldn't type that. There's not that much to be found, which is what makes these trucks kind of inspiring is it's not like this. was the thing out in the world in a big way these are people who had their own vision and saw it through there is one moment in slimer and the real ghost busters where uh slimer i think is putting up wallpaper and he's got he's got biceps here this is sure so the potential was always there he just needed slimer protein powder to unlock the beast within oh yes so this a lot of this is relying upon whether you consider slimmer in the real ghostbusters. I mean, look at him. He's got like, looking, this is, these are good fundamentals, right?

That's just good genes. Some of us win the, some of us win the lottery. It looks like he can raise one eyebrow. That's an important gym tactic. Yeah. I mean, I think he's, he's definitely already in that power lifter build where he kind of looks flabby and then he flexes and you're like, whoa. Yeah, there's really not, man, there was truer words never spoken. The rest of the results might not be what you're looking for. Thanks, Google. who says AI doesn't work with the with the assurance that you have already given me everything I might need yeah so that's it I think we should just become you know I should just lay my troubles down at the foot of some sort of meme I should just be like hey man why am I worrying about things when I'm living that normal life just all about normal just point to it yeah man no this is I agree

with Holly this is going to be a big change for you a lot of a lot of difference a lot of difference yeah I'll just be I listen you think I'm relaxed now Man, what do you see me when I'm, what do you see me when I'm on that, I don't want to be judgmental. I don't want to be judgmental. If you decide you are about that green goblin life and the next time I see you, you are riding a glider through downtown Nashville terrorizing woo girl parties and such. It'd be impossible.

I will, yeah. It would be impossible. Like, how would you terrorize them? You'd be like, ah, ha, ha, ha. And they'd be like, we're like, we're saying. That's so cool. How would you know, how would you know if I was actually terrorizing the city? I hear screams everywhere.

Yeah. I mean, the green goblin doesn't hit shit. The green goblin doesn't hit shit. Petty cabs do. You already have a green goblin problem in downtown Nashville. I think the main, I think the main way you would terrorize the city of Nashville with your green goblin glider is that you wouldn't let other people riot. on it. And I think people will get bad because they're like, everything downtown is for me to ride on. Wagons, trucks, boats, things that aren't boats and service boats, they're for me to ride.

Let me on that glider and give me, give me a beer. I think that's how, yeah, they'd be so mad. They would get heated. And not just, not just ladies either. Dudes would be like, oh yeah. Yeah. Come on. Let me have a shot. Let me give it to spin. Yeah, let me have a shot, you know. I don't want to ride on it with you because, you know, that's a little close. I got a jet ski. I'm sure I can handle your dumbass glider. I got a Durhamax, buddy. What makes you think I can't handle the Green Goblin glider? Like sexually?

Actually, that would be the question. Server just left. Yeah. Server has a bandit as opposed. Yeah. That would be the question. They'd be like, hey, listen, I'm going to get on this thing. But does it run on diesel?

Because I don't know if my lifestyle is compatible. It's better not be electric. Yeah. I mean, hell, I don't want it to be, how much ethanol we got in here? I'm riding on one of these Chinese green goblin gliders, tell you what, needs to be made America by Norman Osborne himself. Yes, King. Yeah.

See, just be about that, just be about that Norman Osborne life, man. Just serious. I have a vision. I want to execute it. I want to inject myself with untested medical chemicals. And then fly around downtown Nashville. What's so wrong with that? Nothing.

I'll tell you. This is the clip we should pull for promo. Yeah. You guys want to be nominated for a podcast award? Yeah. You should hear our Green Goblin shit. It's amazing. Do you know you have to nominate yourself for all that shit?

Yeah, because you got to pay. You got to pay money to do it. Anyway, think about this the next time you see who wins podcasting awards. Yeah. Because, you know, they should give them to us instead. No, they shouldn't. I don't want them. You don't want, it's not pure.

I don't want that attention. Yeah. I only want them if we can win them in confusing categories. If we won like best business podcast, yes, I would take that. But I don't want to win like sports podcast. No, I don't want that. Can we have their money but not the attention? Historically, no.

Like it, hmm. That's the dream. I think what I'm asking for is like an attention economy glory hole. Like if you told me we can beat Planet Money in a head-to-head for the same podcast award, that shit would be funny. Yeah. Yeah. Like that would be funny to me. But if it's just like, oh, this sport shows, no, I don't want that.

No. Let's just give ourselves one. Like, let's just make one. Okay. Sure. We can make a good one. Dude, okay. I got a spam email today that was one of the, one of the strangest.

You know, we don't have real names for things anymore. We just make up companies. I got a spam email today. It says, I don't know how to pronounce this. Welcome to QM-E-E-exclamation point. How do y'all say that? KME! Welcome to Q-Me!

Yeah. That could sound like a podcast award. There was that one year when we made it to like the semifinals of like the ringer sports tournament or something like that. Yeah, one of those. Yeah. I mean, that's basically an award. Yeah. Final four, final two.

I am looking at the Wikipedia list of defunct banks of the United States. I just want to pull one of them. We might have to re-update that for... Yeah. By the time this episode comes out of it. Yeah, I think we can be the Curtland Safety Society podcast of the year. That feels good. Hell yeah.

Or the Dollar Dry Dock Savings Bank podcast of the year? Dollar Dry Dock Savings Bank. What about banks that have animals? in their names. I'm not immediately seeing any of those. What about... I can give you Los Angeles Hibernian Bank. There we go.

Nobody knows what that means. Yeah. That is the most nonsensical name for a bank I have ever heard in my god. Oh, man. See first bank? That's like Mongolian Bank of Sydney. I think this is the one I want. Second Bank of the United States.

What a flashy? Listen. Ryan, just pick three. And we're going to just be like, okay, how did you not see that going bankrupt? Pick three names. Okay. Let's see. Some of these don't exist just because of bankruptcy.

Some of these, like, got absorbed, but that's fine. Seaman's savings bank. Seaman is in sailors. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. You literally named your bank after a nut sack, man. Yep.

Yep. You named, you named, yeah, you named it after something that you can only deposit in so many places. Man, there's a lot of boat themed. Yeah, all the boats out, out. All the boat ones, boatman's bank shares, yep. No. That's not going to work. I like this one, CompuBank.

Listen, comp, compu banks losing your money. Instant. Like, yeah, that's why it goes bankrupt. And the third one, Nickerbocker Trust Company. I don't trust them. I don't trust them at all. Yeah, I don't trust them to get out of the first round of the playoffs. Come on.

Oh, wait. No. Banka Commercialale Italiana Trust Company. Yeah. Nope. Actually, that, I trust it so little that it goes all the way around to like adventurous. Mm-hmm. I feel like I'm playing one of them fucking gotcha games.

I don't know how to say that word. That makes me feel like I would react to what I put my money in the long Italian bank name. What I put it in there instantly. instantly. That's how, let's just see what happens. Break you off a couple thousand. There you go.

It'll be memorable. Yeah, whatever, listen, listen, when we talk about why would you start a relationship with a new bank,

it's not because you want something steady. No, man. Let's see where this goes. Let's see what kind of federal indictments we can get out of this. I'm headed for bailout. Like,

I'm going to have enough money where I, listen, as long as the FDIC is insuring this up to a certain point, we're good. Let's ride. this, let's ride this dragon. I'm not dragons named after banks. Hey, just in time because I got a text message from longtime friend of the program, Matt

Barry. It says, I know y'all are probably recording the full cast, but this makes, that makes this even more imperative. Houston Chronicle. Kristen Tips, the long time presiding officer of the embattled Texas, Embattled Texas Funeral Service Commission is a phrase I would like to know a lot more about. is no longer on the board. Additional friend of the program,

Solomon, Missouri has added the following context. Tips, who has run San Antonio's prestigious Mission Park Funeral, chapels, cemeteries, and crenatories with her husband, Dick Tips, was appointed to the board by the governor in 2017 and made the presiding officer in May 2024. Tips did not respond to a request for comment. to which Solomon adds, I know this lady husband's name, not Dick Tips.

It is. It is indeed. Pastor, it's true. Thank you, Matt. Thank you, Solomon. All right. All right. There's something poetic about Dick Tips.

It's microphone-shaped. I want to add this. I want to add this into the mix. What do you think this man's given first name is? What do you think his first name on his? You're in the right ballpark. Wait, so it's not Richard. But it's not Richard?

It's not Richard. It's not Richard. It's Robert. Oh, come on. Bobby Tips is weird enough. But he decided to go with Dick Tiff. Wait, what's his full name? I don't know what his mental name is, but it's Robert Quote Dick Tips. Robert Richard Tips. Robert Richard Tips is a hell of a Texan name.

Richard Tips. Dick, Dick Tips, not responding. Oh, we can hear him talk because here he is taking the standing a civil trial eight years ago. Talk to me, Dick Tips. This man looks exactly like you think he looks. Is it spelled like I imagine, like T-I-P-S or T-I-P? Yeah.

Wow. Like Tips of Dix. Dick. Yeah. Funeral Home Mogul, Dick Tips takes on San Antonio, H-O-A. I bet he fucking does. And you don't ruin the day you ever tangled with Dick Tips. Oh, he has.

has a real, he has a real quiet, like quiet storm voice. I bet he's good at funerals. I guess that's how you get to be a magnate. No, Richard D. Dick Tips. Maybe his middle name is just Dick. Oh, no, that's a different Dick Tips. God damn, Texas. What are y'all doing down there? That's why you're so mad. That's why you're so mad all the time. I wonder if he's junior. Oh, that's big big Dick. Tips attended Texas A&M and the University of Texas. Dick tips the day Walker. That's old big dick tips over there. Little dick tips.

He's on the come up. You think he's not as big, you know, initially. But then you get up close to him. Funeral home tycoon and legal battle over a billboard. Oh, that's the HOA one. Okay. Oh, my God. Man.

On that note. Okay. And then the second you click to the second page of results, it's 55 intense blowjob techniques to make him scream. Okay. Thank you. There we go. Podcast business. What's a business?

Tips. It's a business. Tits. Pardous business. Bails. Dick Tips is his real name. And oh my God, his name is Dick Tips. Hello, I'm Dick Tips.

This is my wife. How long that one was. Sorry. It's so good. I was looking for the, oh, no, disaster. What a bad idea clip. I think we just have Gus in here. five different times it's so nice that like other broadcasters their like signature

moment is like oh they were they they let the crowd or the moment sort of over i know i know it appreciates a a a a this is left alone at the mnm store this is the energy i wanted a broadcaster this is the energy i want in this broadcaster yeah i'm sorry can you play it one more time Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up, but Gus, go nuts.

Yeah, I'm not here for subtlety if Gus is in the house. I'm here for Gus dominating that microphone. Yeah, I'm not. If Gus isn't talking, Joel is. So. That's true. Yeah. That's a very valid point.

This is the green goblin you know. That's true. Yeah, the moment. I'm going to let the moment speak for itself. And that, I am the moment. Yeah. Mendoza. There we go.

Trouble! It's out! Tell us, Gus. Get into the Heismat trophy now. If you don't bring at least a, if you don't bring at least a moderate measure of Bobcat Goldthwaid into the booth, I don't want it. It's also like, if you ask someone who hadn't seen this play, what do you think happened here based on what you just heard? I don't even remember what this is.

Is this the Omar Cooper catch? I think it's the, the throw to beat Penn State. I'm pretty sure. The first one or the second one? No, the first one was... It is the throw that beat pinstead. Yes. Okay, yes.

So the first one was Cooper. Who caught this? I feel bad. I can't remember. Charlie, um, Charlie Becker caught the first one. Thank you. Okay.

Um, I don't know, ball. Uh, anyway. None of us do. Anyway, it's podcast business time. It is podcast. Get out the big gong because it's that time.

From our gong closet. Yeah, don't, no. Keep the minor league gong. This is major league gong. long time. Holly. That's a dangerous phrase to repeat. Holly, it's time.

It's charity bowl time. Not yet. Well, not yet. It's time to start talking about it. It starts on Monday. It's time to prepare yourself for how you will be contributing to the charity bowl. This is your last moment to start thinking about your contribution number, how mean you want to be, how many times you want to be mean.

Like, it's time to, like, get ready. so you stay ready so you don't have to get ready is what we're saying here absolutely um spencer why don't you tell us what exactly the charity bowl is and why we're even talking about it well the charity bowl we are coming up on the 20th 20th edition of that's two zero 20th edition of the edsbs charity bowl the charity bowl was started by our little community to support an organization now known as new american pathways which serves refugees in the metro Atlanta area. And you can imagine over 20 years.

It's been quite the adventure as to what the needs are and what the changing environment is for refugees in the Atlanta community. The one thing that has not changed is the general MO of how we do this. We give in the name of spite in order to fuel charity. We come up with donations that are themed, themed. So it would be. be very hard for me to give like a a Florida themed donation because there really weren't a lot of

positive moments for but you don't have to give from last year no no I can give moving forward right for instance hey what if I just wanted to give a nice 77 dollars for the seven turnovers that happened in the spring game why always got to be why I was going to be negative here here's here's Can't this be the seven turnovers that Florida's defense achieved in the spring game? $266. That's what you're giving if you're a Florida fan. You know what that is? That's Jaden Baugh's rushing total when they beat the shit out of Florida State and kept Florida State from making a bowl game.

Did Florida have a good year? No, but Florida State certainly didn't either. And Florida got to be a big part of that. And I think that's worth celebrating. Agreed. So that's the charity bowl. We do it every single year. We run it off social media.

We give you updates for, who's donating the most. That typically tends to be at the end of all things, Michigan. For an exhausting streak of years now, it's been Michigan. We have some scoring adjustments this year, some adjustments to the leaderboard that may make this more competitive. And by the time this episode is out, hopefully you will be hearing all about those.

If not, you can go to edsbscharitybowl.com, which again hopefully by the time this episode is out because we were hoping to have this up by the time we recorded this episode and then Spencer with a butterfly net chasing a cat took a lot of a big chunk of our workday out this morning this contest starts on Monday morning at 10 a.m. Eastern April 20th runs through Friday evening April 24th. We have been known to extend it throughout the weekend through a kind of a dark match where there is a melee free-for-all, no school. boring updates and you just have to keep donating because if you don't, Texas might beat you. And we can't, we can't, we can't, we? Not that you have a rival, Texas, that you would ever be worried about out, don't. Not that you would ever be worried about that. Once again, that is aDSbscharityville.com where you can learn all about this, learn about new

American pathways, learn about, I don't have to tell you one of these years, we're going to be coming to you guys trying to raise money for refugees in Atlanta. and we will not be coming to you during the most dire set of circumstances we have ever faced. This year is not that year. There have been over 500 actions taken by the federal government in 2025 alone. Each one of those creates a barrier to what New American Pathways is trying to do, which is help refugee families achieve self-sustaining lives here in Atlanta. I think everything else I have to say about that as a terms of service violation.

So, EDSPS Charity Bowl.com, check it out, get ready. We accept corporate matching gifts, by the way. We happily take your boss's money. We accept gifts from family foundations, gifts of stock. You don't even have to donate online. You can mail us a check if it gets here this week. We'll score it.

Information on how to do all that and who to contact at new AP. Again, we'll be up on EDSBSTarityBull.com. the time you hear this episode. And now that I've said that, we have to get it ready. Yes. Spencer, you know what I'm going to ask you, right? What's the bonus going to be?

What's the stretch reward going to? Well, that's assuming, Ryan, that's assuming we hit our initial goal. And I guess that's our other big announcement. Things are bad. The world is on fire. However, so are our collective hearts. This little Mary Band of College Football Idiots is the biggest non-guards.

governmental source of fundraising for refugee communities in the state of Georgia. Sorry about it. And we're setting our initial goal at a million dollars this year. One million dollars. We crossed the million dollar mark a year before last. Somehow last year in the midst of a world already engulfed in flames. We did it again and beat the previous year's total by about $200,000. So let's see how far we go this year.

Spencer, what would a stretch goal even mean for you this year? A million and a half, too? I think a million and a half. If we get to 1.5, we can talk. Might be time to get a third Michigan tattoo. Do you have anything you're thinking about? You're like, this would be a worthy thing. No.

I mean, maybe another tattoo. So you didn't drink 500 beers. Nope. No, no, no. That's off the record. I took everyone to a movie. That's done. All right.

No, that put a dent in it, buddy. No, no. Did you do the golf thing? I can't recall. No, no. No, that was the funny part. That's where we got reverse Spencer. We actually were trying to set up a charity golf tournament and got ghosted by the golf people.

Janko's golf didn't happen. Movie did happen. Basketball remains off the table, right? Basketball. No. Basketball. Two million basketball. No.

If you raise $2 million, I'll play basketball in public. What about pop a shot? Is pop a shot on the table? You don't want to wake up my demons. Okay. That way. Yeah, no, I'll do that. That's fine.

So $2 million. $2 million, you'll play basketball in public. What are we talking? One-on-one, five-on-five, just shooting hoops. What are we looking at here? Oh, listen. Don't even think, like, you say, oh, man, why don't you just play a game of 101 or five-on-five? Couldn't.

Couldn't. What do you mean couldn't? Yeah, this is also. Like one on one I'll buy. Like one on one, I understand that you're like, I just don't have that in me. But five on five, literally most of the time you're not touching the ball. You set a pick. Yeah.

You could set a great pick. Dude, do you know what a box out butt? What? Do you know what it's like if I try to set a pick? That's when we have to call an ambulance. It's not a big butt. No, but it's solid. It has meaning.

Is it? Yeah. It's solid. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's ponderous. Yeah. Whoa. I have an ankylosaurus ass is what you're saying.

I appreciate that. Yeah. Man, I don't even want to try to scheme up something here. If $2 million basketball is on table, okay? No, $2 million. I will totally play basketball in public. You know, maybe, maybe get, listen, I could get lessons from Atlanta locals like J.E. Skeets, right?

I would like if we could set up some sort of like carnival setup where like people could come get their pictures cost a ghost tile yeah I would like if you could come get your picture taken of you yamming on Spencer I think that would be fun you're a fun thing for you to have we could just do it over a cutout yeah I wanted to be I wanted to be

Spencer I really do have we'll have a dunk tank Spencer's in the water and you are dunking yeah no no no we're not we're not combining listen you're drowning so you don't know you're being done we're not we're not combining two of my least favorite things which would be playing basketball in public and being wet. Lounge into the pool.

Big wet basketball cat. Sure. And then we get John Wick, the cat shows up. Think you're done with him. Fucking dumps on you. There's a photo of it. Lives forever. Just like everybody.

I bet we could get 100 people to come out and dunk on you if we said, hey, this is happening. This plan is three steps, three to four steps have me saying, fuck no. We could totally pull it off. What are you talking about? Wait, wait, wait. Your anxiety about basketball has frequently been described about you don't want to, you don't want to play basketball in public. But if you're getting dunked on, you're just a prop. I don't need you to hold the basketball, shoot the basketball, dribble, pass, defend nothing.

All I need you to do is put arms up and look unhappy. Can you do that? This sophistry will not fool me, right? What if we say only kids can dunk on you? Yeah. Absolutely not. No. What about only short?

What about? What about only short adults? About only animals? I know some shithead short adults. I'm not going to let me do that. Kids. Why don't you support women in sports? Hmm?

Only women. Okay, guys. Spencer, Spencer. Can you go away? Okay, Spencer, earmuffs. Hey, guys. Earmuffs, buddy. If we get to $2 million, we'll totally make Spencer get y'ammed on.

We'll make it. I don't know why he's worried. It's not like he does the plans he even. that agrees to. Because here's, because here's the thing. We'll just tell him he has to show up one day. And then he'll just be committed to it.

And it'll be too late. We'll have, yeah. We'll have like a professional photographer there and everything. And you'll get like a glossy eight by ten out. It's going to be. I can hear this. I think what we're going to do is just walk around with a portable goal.

And just put it over his head. He'll just never know. Yeah. Yeah. When it'll strike. Yeah. And the longer he struggles, the more we'll do this.

We'll do it. We'll do it in one of the parking lots at him. One of his sons is taller than him now. Yeah, yeah. It'll be fun. We'll have a trampoline. We can make this a brawny situation. If you want, I'll pick you up and boost you.

No big deal. We'll Photoshop me out. It'll be great. It can't be a brawny situation if I'm also Bronny. Huh? I told you not to listen. Earmuffs. I don't know what he's, he's referring to things that someone else is talking about.

No, it's going to be great. He couldn't possibly have any idea what we're talking about. He means charity. The paper towels. Charity Bowl is going to hit $2 million, and then we will have 2,000 pictures of Spencer getting amped on. And he'll have a great time. You know what?

He's being all crusty and cranky about it, but he's going to have a good time. He is going to have, I can tell. Oh, hey, guys. Wasn't listening. Hey. Anyway, if you have questions about the Charity Bowl, please send them to Spencer or to our Charity Bowl help desk booth babe, Jacket Dan.

Don't send them to me. I'm busy. Don't send them to anybody else on this show. This thing is not their fault. And yeah, we will see you guys Monday morning. Give. Ew. Hmm.

Working on that tag. I don't think it's a very good one. No, I don't think it's strong. Sunday. Okay. That's also the wrong day. Are we running the bowl over WrestleMania? Monday, Monday, Monday.

Yeah. Yeah. It's shitty WrestleMania. Oh, God, I forgot Macfee. Yeah, never mind. Yeah, yeah. That's one of a million concerns, yeah. We should just play Warhammer.

Um, you know where you're going to, you know where you're going to get your F.AQ and list of those things. If you subscribe, I sure don't. I can tell you if you could subscribe to our newsletter, channel six,

that's right, channel dash six dot ghost.io. It is our biweekly. You get, sorry, twice a week, twice a week you get two things, two things a week for the low price of $10 a month. Um, we write about college football.

We write about non-college football things. We give you TRL every Friday in the offseason. That is the name of our own creation where we tell you what we've been reading, what we've been looking at, what's been interesting, what's been amusing us. We do a whole lot of that stuff. We have a lot more stuff coming down the pike this summer as well. So that would be channel dash 6.gov.io built, constructed, using only the minds and creative souls of myself and Holly Anderson.

Channel 6, subscribe. But you should subscribe. anyway. Yes. Despite our involvement. Next. Hey, do you know the last quarterback who was signed out of high school by Auburn, who played his entire college career at Auburn and started for along the way? Sure don't.

Just say, I don't know, Jason Campbell. Brandon Cox. Holly, you're correct. What? Wow. Brandon Cox, Class. 2003. I thought I was kidding.

Who played there through the 2007, through the Peach Bowl that year when they beat Clemson. 2003 when they were still a Russell athletic school. I learned this from my coworker Antonio Morales and led the Until Saturday newsletter with it today. The college football newsletter that is these days usually about like UCLA women's basketball or whatever. But still, you can learn stuff like that in until Saturday, the free college football newsletter. Next. Phantom Island. You go there.

You listen to this show. You subscribe. Or you don't. It's cool. Whatever. That's it. We're keeping it moving. Next.

Hey, you know, please subscribe to that thing. I also pay me for that too. Listen to my band Killer Ants. The answer is the, we got a new single next week, but we also have a single that is out now called Course for the Wasteland. But the single next week is called You Want Sliverag and Roll.

Listen to both of them. Next. Do you like the things that you're hearing right now? I'm sure. The birds? Yeah. The birds? You less.

Damn. You know what? We can get, if you want to dunk on me, oh no, don't dunk on me. If you can't be here in person to dunk on me, do you know what I hate? Ooh, I hate it when people subscribe to our Patreon. Oh, it makes me so mad if you did that.

That's right. You can subscribe to the shutdown full cast Patreon. It helps fun things like, oh, our episode that subscribers get, our full cast lore episodes, like on amateurism, where we did, I'm pretty sure it was a nine-hour podcast on amateurism. It doesn't matter. It's gripping. It's awesome anyway. It's $4. It's $4.00. That's it. Like the charity bowl, however, you can give more if you want. You can. You could give us $4 million. And then we, is that the price we've decided? Four million dollars and you'd never hear from us again?

Yeah, but you have to keep doing it every month. Right. Yeah. Four million dollars a month, I will absolutely, I will hand you my microphone for that. Yeah. Yeah. Four, four, four, I, I did the math. I'm like $4 million on current. Yeah, take it. Take it, dog. I can be bought for cheaper than that. Oh. I'm not going to say how much. Just too. Kind of underbid us. Same. Consider considerably less in my case. Just hit me up in my DMs. I'll do it for $3,99,999,999.99.

My spot is available for $2 million. Yeah. Yes. But for just $4 a month, you can get our $4.00. free it. Or you can get our free shit. Support what we do. That would be at patreon.com slash shutdown. You already get our free shit. For $4, you will get more than just our free shit. Yes, you'll get our paid shit. Yes. I think it's pretty amazing that a lot of you have listened to shows like this one and said, yeah, more of that. And I have to pay for it. Dick tips. You know, when I go to homefield apparel.com, I usually just look up whichever school I was talking about most recently,

and we haven't had much reason to look at Auburn's page in a while because they don't win anything anymore. Wrong, incorrect, NIT champions. You know, I've really gone full circle on the NIT, haven't I? I used to be its premier evangelist, and now I don't ever think about it at all. I like this War Eagle shirt, the Ringer Sleeves shirt with just the drawing of the War Eagle. it's very nice throwback. It's not the Anheiser-Busch-Auburn logo.

It's a much, much better eagle than that one. Let's see. I like the War Eagle Puffy Trucker hat. Probably not going to wear it, but I do like it, right? You know what I mean? Because it's like extremely Auburn. It's like two Auburn for those not in the fold. Yeah, I can't wear that ironically.

You know what I mean? Like if I wear that, somebody's going to be like, oh, did you go there? You know, and I don't want to people asking that. If you can say Auburn family unironically, get over there. So, yeah. but I do like the drawing of the eagle. Oh my God. The Jerd and her eagle, the eagle like imposed behind the stadium.

That is lovely. I really, I greatly prefer the, there's the Zubaz hat. There's a homefield Zubaz hat. What? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Oh, there's, of course, the peacock basketball.

My goodness. What a collection by Aubrey. It's good to check in on a specific school at Homefield Apparel.com. every, you know, a couple years, because they had stuff all the time. So, and now we're back to, like, the old, like the Home Field Original from stuff from, like, years ago, you know, like Pothead. Pothead Tiger.

That was a favorite. Yeah, we're back to the classics. I'm glad I did that. I'm glad I went to Homefield Apparel.com and looked at Auburn stuff. And if I were a person with any interest in Auburn, I would be buying at least half of the things I mentioned. Because that is a thing anyone should do when they like any school that plays sports. Go to homefield apparel.com and just start buying stuff.

I like... That should be the company motto. I like the long sleeve that has the tiger with his tail, like, curled up over his back, and the eagle is riding atop of it. Like they're sort of forming some sort of megazard out of animals that don't live in this area. That's what's going to be under my couch. Ryan when the cat comes back. Hey, listen, there's no reason Auburn can't keep adding animals.

That's all I'm saying. Like no reason. That's right. And Homefield apparel. And you know what? Homefield apparel will add them too. They're cool guys and ladies. And if you're like, yep, we have Ketzelquadal now.

It's like, all right, throw them on there. Got one of those. We have or corkas. Yep. War or orca. Here he is. War. Warc.

Warca, warca. Warca, yeah. Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm. Only at homefield apparel.com, home of the warcas. They pay us money to say these things. This, uh, there is a very nice puffy trucker hat that I would wear, um, Auburn, Auburn

style, the Ever to Conquer one. It's currently sold out, which is why you should all, unlike me, I missed out on that hat because I didn't visit Auburn's page at homefield apparel.com often enough, right? So it should be your, it's, it just made your homepage. Yeah. Why risk it? Well, I think the thing is, there are, you know, however many hundreds of D1 schools, And that, mind you, there are schools outside of D1 available at homefield apparel.com.

But regardless, the thing is you should have like a rotating homepage with all of them. There we go. It's a good plan. It's a very good plan. Also, additionally, I like the 1990 SEC champs women's basketball shirt with Angel Wings. That's it. I'm finished looking at Auburn's page at homefield apparel.com. Play us out.

So we have several things on the document. I think we should pick one. The Ohio State went. Time to start the show. Yeah, I want to go over that. Jason, you brought this up yesterday. J.D. Vance's latest fuck-up of some sort. He went to Hungary to campaign for the bad man, and then the bad man got his ass whipped.

And it was, like, added to J.D. Vance's list of fuck-ups. He meets with one pope. That Pope dies thinking, like, God, J.D. Vance sucks. Then the next Pope hates him, too. And, like, it's just, you know, this long series of everything he touches sucks. or fucks up or he looks like the asshole idiot, including like his current job. His job is like one part, you know, keep Donald Trump on, like Donald Trump's babysitter, but also guy vying to like take Donald Trump's coalition.

And like those both impossible. Neither of those is going to work at all. And if anyone could pull him off, it's not J.D. Vance. So sports wise, the last thing, significant thing he did was he touched Ohio State's National Title Trophy. and he dropped it like he's in a fucking infomercial about like, do you have a hard time picking up object? Look at this bumbling moron who can't hold object.

Smashes it on the floor as if he was dunking on Spencer, but not as cool as that. You know, it's just like a massive fuck-up moron. And all the players are looking at him like, gee whiz, we did all that work for this idiot to fuck everything up. And since then, here's the thing. Since then, honestly, that was inauguration day when Ohio State won that title.

And I guess there was enough residual effort that they were able to move past. But since then, Ohio State hasn't done a damn thing. Ohio State has kind of sucked since then. And when Ohio State sucks, that means like, oh, they didn't win every title, you know? Because, like, they don't, they've never had a problem in their life. But regardless, this is, like, the saddest period

in Ohio State athletics history because, like, they've been surpassed in basketball, men's basketball by Michigan National Champ. Sebastian football by Indiana, the team that they're never supposed to even lose to, let alone lose a Big Ten championship to. Their most recent titles, they won like fencing. They competed for women's hockey.

They won pistol, which is not an NCAA sport. Put some respect on their non-NCAA sanctioned Ohio State Pistol Team. You know what else isn't an NCAA championship? that fucking football trophy, J.D. Vance fucked up. Ohio State has no actual NCAA championships since that shit happened. They have this made-up college football playoff thing. That's not a D-1 thing. Fucking North Dakota State was the D-1 champ that year.

Idiots or South Dakota, one of them, state. But, yeah, mainly we just wanted to sort of run down Ohio State's many achievements since J.D. Vance became important. That happened on April 14th, 2025, okay? Since then, we'll go big first. The sport, the one sport that they really, really, really care about football. Lost the Big Ten championship game. You know, that happens when you have a conference that's as deep and tough and burly as the almighty Big Ten.

Who'd they lose that to? Indiana. Yeah, you lost that to Indiana. Everybody lost Indiana, though. So, you know, maybe there's no shame. It's still Indiana, but maybe that's their only problem. I mean, Ryan, let's walk this off. Surely Ohio State had lost Indiana in football recently, if I had to guess, right?

No. Not at all. Like, surely in my adult lifetime, right? Surely it hadn't been since 1988 since Indiana had beaten Ohio State in football, right? Why'd you pick that number, Ryan? Because that's when that's right. That is the last time it happened. That's correct.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the last time it happened. So surely a rematch in the Big Ten championship game, which Ohio State should win handily based on being three times the size of every other single like Big Ten team financially. Uh, no. No, no, they did not, they didn't win. Can I go, can I go back to the Pistol thing for a little bit? Mm-hmm.

Gosh, yes. All right. Pistol is, yes. Ohio State has won. This looks like their fifth consecutive national title in Pistol. Pistol is not an NCAA-sponsored sport. Do you know what is an NCAA-sponsored sport? It's rifle.

Your guns too short. That's right. You got little guns. As we record this, the record of Ohio State's rifle team is three and six. Here are the teams they have lost to. Georgia Southern, Nebraska, Kentucky, Memphis, Alaska, Fairbanks, twice. They are getting their asses kicked. To be fair.

Let me see some of there. You suck at Big Guns. If you're going to lose at guns. If you're going to lose at guns, lose to Alaska, Fairbanks, Memphis, and Georgia Southern. Okay. That's fine. Those are areas that are good at Big Gun.

Those are not school. Like Alaska, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, Georgia Southern Big Gun, come on. This is putting AYSO up against some European Soccer Academies. Last year's team, I didn't do shit. Like, they can't even bother keeping these records up to date at this point. This is embarrassing.

Ohio State, Ohio State's men's basketball finished ninth in the Big Ten last year. I take it back. Georgia said the women's rifle is 25 and 4. I take it back. They finished last in the big 10 of the year prior to that.

So, you know, let's see, they declined an invite to the Crown postseason tournament, which is, I believe. I believe. I believe. I'm scared. It didn't even happen?

No, that one did happen this year. Sometimes it doesn't happen, but this year it didn't have. They probably did it because they're like, oh, Ohio State thinks are too good for us. So we'll show them. They're probably like, we don't know where it is. Please reach out and tell us where it is and we'll go. The crown was just like, ah, we didn't call them back. We're not legally allowed to tell you where we go.

Yeah, we're not. You'll get in an unmarked vehicle and you will arrive at a gymnasium. You will play, and then you might be driven. back. Ohio State volleyball, which has had success in recent memory made it to the Elite 8 in 2022. You know what their record was in 2025? Oh, what was it? Six and 20. Oh, trash! Honestly, and first of all, like, Elite 8 by Ohio State standards, that's like, like, like, fire everyone, you know, no matter of the sport. Like, it's melt, meltdown tummy hurt time, but like, regardless, this is all J.D. Vance's fault. Yeah, there's, dude, there's more.

field hockey. Nope. Nope. They were out at the Big Ten tournament to Iowa. Oh, nice. Although really, how... I assume Iowa field hockey is fine. I'm sorry. It has the name. It has the word field in it. Iowa should be good at it, right? And hockey. Yeah. And how yeah, come on. Grass, ice? Yeah. Can't lose. Ohio State's, uh, men's and women's cross country. Nope, came up short in both of those. Ohio State Baseball finished last in the Big Ten with 13 wins Not worth mentioning

Not worth mentioning What the fuck are y'all doing? I know it's cold up there for longer But it's not that cold It's not so cold that you're not talented Let's look at the current Big Ten baseball standing So nine and six this time around

Yeah, it's still nine and six Not impressed. UCLA baseball in the middle of Big Ten baseball is so fucking funny to me because the rest of them are like, ow, hurts to hit ball with stick because it's cold. Hands vibrate. Ow! And UCLA's like,

Woo! Living big! California dreaming! UCLA baseball has won 27 games in a row. Maybe a cold weather sport will suit Ohio State better like men's hockey. Oh, they made it to the tournament this year. What happened? After two periods against Boston University,

they were tied 3-3. And that would happen? B.U scored five straight goals in the third period. Be fat ass eight three. Knocked him out. J.D. Vance strikes once again. J.D. again, the poop touch. The poop touch of J.D. Vance strikes yet again.

Like even when, like, Ohio State's women's basketball holding it down, 27 and 8 had a great season. And they lost in the Big Ten tourney. Fire everyone. They lost in the second round of the women's tournament to Tennessee. Yeah. We don't, nope, we can't go down this road. Nope, nope, nope.

Also, you know who's holding it down? Do you know who's immune to the poop touch in addition to the pistol team? Okay, that's right. Ohio State's women's fencer, Natalia Betelow. That's right. Who is solely standing against this? Natalia Betelow, a woman who, according to J.D. Vance, should be in the house. making babies and taking care of them.

But instead, she's got a sword. She could easily crush J.D. Vance at sword. She could do it two years in a row like she has done in 25 and 26 and taking the women's saber title in the big tent. You know who else? You know women shouldn't be outdoing according to J.D. Vance? Dancing. The Ohio State dance team. They're the jazz national champion.

I mean, if Ohio State's just going to win pistol and sword, like just go be France. Be French. All right. All right. Stop this. Go be a musketeer with all this bullshit. Small gun and skinny sword. We're here to play football.

Y'all try to do dumb pirate shit. Ohio State also very good at women's hockey. Didn't win the title. Almost. Which I know, granted, fire everyone because you're Ohio State. Go shit your pants and fire everyone. But almost one title. 36 and 5 women's hockey.

You are good at certain kinds of skate. You are good at Little Gun. you're good at skinny sword that's it three things so it's very clear it's very clear what they have to do right they're fire jd vance they're gonna fire jd vance get rid of him or he has to line up and do the johnny knoxville punt return in every sport you never yeah that's it he has to atone by doing the equivalent of that in you know um fencing i'm not going to get yammed on but you know what would help JD fans getting hammed on by every member of every single basketball team men's and women's so they they looked really bad against Miami remember that like a year after jd vance

got an office how bad everyone saw how like helpless they looked against Miami they did look helpless do you know the years that jd vance was at ohio state i don't actually they're a recent So J.D. Vance appears to have enrolled in Ohio State in 2007. Does anybody want to remember where Ohio State ended the year in 2007? Why, they lost the national title game. Got that ass beat in the national championship. Okay, 2008. Anybody remember how that season ended for Ohio State?

I actually don't remember. You don't remember 08? 2923 lost to Clemson in the Fiesta Bowl. So you didn't attend the National League. And then on his way out, he did get to get one win. Did they beat Arkansas that was then revoked or whatever? This is Ohio State beating Oregon in the Rose Bowl for the 2009 season with, of course, Troll Pryor.

These are all Jim Tressel years. What's the 2008 season you said? The history changed? The 2008 season. The Fiesta. Clemson did not go to the Fiesta Bowl. I'm sorry, you're right. You're right.

I missed that. You know, the world is a weird place and I thought something had happened. You're right. You're right. I apologize. This thing where we call, this thing were in certain places they call like the 2007 season ending Fiesta Bowl, the 2008 Fiesta Bowl. It's fucking annoying.

No, you're right. I lift it up and now it makes a lot more sense. Yes. This is Ohio State losing close, but not really, to Texas in the Fiesta Bowl with the, here's a beautiful passing line. Terrell Pryor 5 of 13 for 66 yards. Don't like that. Don't worry. Todd Beckman, 5 of 12 for a hundred and 14.

I hope you won better. So like basically, all the highs of this era. are like Jim Tressel and Terrell Pryor and so forth who would go on to encounter massive scandal I say with quote marks I see our amateurism episode on our Patreon but regardless at the time it was very embarrassing and it all overlaps with J.D. Vance.

Yeah. He wasn't watching. He was playing Magic the Gathering. He was listening to fucking 2000s emo. We all know. Like we've all seen his blog. Talking about like, oh, I'm a huge kid rock fan. No, you're not. Not. Yeah.

No one is, but you aren't. He's on some dashboard confessional, trying to come up with the optimal deck. Now a sports team suck. Yeah. Eat shit. That's what we're saying.