Shutdown Fullcast - Who’s That Comin’ Down The Tract?

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

* Folks, they called the Senate runoffs pretty much right in the middle of recording this thing, and then they cancelled Caillou, and we found out about all of this mid-show, so just bear with us okay * There may or may not be a title game in five days, sure  * Holly becomes the final Fullcasteer to come up with a voice that she is never allowed to do on the show again * A robust amount of NFL coaching carousel analysis * You’re probably overpaying for snakes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown to the shutdown fullcast. Listening, it's gorilla thumping. To the internet's only college football podcast. Holly, you had a succinct question, which addresses many of the things that I think we should discuss when talking about the finale to this college football season. I did. You did?

You had like one question. Yeah, we're going to have a title game? It's a good question. Cool. It's a real good question because this afternoon came out. reporting an al.com by John Taltine others that we Ohio State might have some COVID issues some COVID issues that could potentially push the game back to and I quote a later date you said that so ominously like it'd be 2037 a later date is an ominous phrase

when you hear a later date in life it usually doesn't mean anything good It's usually what you hear at the end of a job interview when somebody says, hey, we'll contact you at a later date. What if it's some shit you don't want to do? What if it's Kristen Sabin and you're going to court? For punching someone? Yeah. Yeah? That would be a later date.

Yeah, we can discuss that like courts. Hypothetically. Yeah, you would hear that. Sorry to beat you the punch there, Spencer. Jesus is coming back at a later date. You know what? The hits just keep coming, Ollie. That's amazing.

Also like Kristen. Yeah, Jesus, coming at a later date. Godot, coming at a later date. Your sentence. Avatar sequels coming at a later date. Yeah, Half-Life 3, coming at a later date. This is all really hit or miss. Do you think Jesus is waiting on the Avatar sequels?

Yes, yes. James Cameron is going to make it happen. James Cameron has the same initials as Jesus Christ. Think about that. out. I think the Lord knows the movement of every Sparrow in the heavens, but even he doesn't remember shit about Avatar. I get to heaven. God, what's your favorite line from Avatar? Me, damn it. This is embarrassing. I think it was when Jake Avatar turned blue. And he said, Avatar on three. One, two, three. Avatar. It was probably when Bob Odin

Kirk Pointe, jumped up and said, avatar. We're going to need an avatar. We're going to need a bigger avatar. We got a real avatar here. Dave Wasserman has seen enough. Raphael Warnock defeats Kelly Loughler. So Dave Wasserman said that. Dave Wasserman has seen enough.

Okay. Holly's not happy. No, no, listen, man. Holly's not happy. Do you, mm. Holly's, that's it. That's it. That's what's happening here.

Holly's grumble really like strikes the like primordial fear part of my being. It makes me feel like I'm not happy. I'm not happy. That's what's happening here. I just, I just responding to your growl, that's all. So yeah, we may not, we may not have a title game going back to this because a couple things. Yeah, Ohio State might not have that.

Also, I don't know. What do you do in a reasonable, society when a major epidemiological event affects the scheduling of certain non-essential activities like a college football final you would say ah we'll pick it up at a later date you play on motherfucker you play on okay i'll take that bait ryan even if you play on what would you say between the two parties in this particular game one might not want to do something like I don't know, accuse them of cowardice or wanting more time to let a star quarterback recover from a major injury or even a minor one.

Well, you wouldn't do that, would you? I wouldn't, but my dad is just some regular dude, not the head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. That would be at Kristen Saban S. That'd be Kristen Saban, daughter of Alabama football coach Nick Samed, who tweeted earlier. If you're not confident to play, then say it. I call BS on the COVID cases. I'm not even through the tweet. That's the first two.

They're just worried about their QB and want him to have more time to heal. If he's hurt, put in your backup. You didn't see us postpone the rest of the season to wait for Waddle. All caps. Bye! Posted 419 p.m. January 5th, 2021 from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Please note, location and timestamp for 19 p.m.

She sounds like she needed to chill. She did chill. She did chill. Diled it down, walked it back. Diled it down, walked it back. Yeah, sure. Not before Cardell Jones tweeted back, quote tweeted it with. Laughing, crying emoji. Sure you want to face another backup from OSU?

You know what happened last time, right? Dot, dot, dot. on the plus side they can't hurt organ again that is true so they can't hurt my beloved ducks silver linings that's true we we may not we may what is like if you said at a later date and they actually push this back a week that means it will have taken it will take in i'm gonna say three years to play this season and full at some point we're pushing into the uh supposed that fcs season so we could do a double header or some of some sort can we just do an fbs fc s handoff where we play the title game and then we roll directly into the opening game of the

fcs season yeah fuck it i mean at some point we're just doing the NBA thing they had like two months off right something like that between yeah like the uh the finals was during this football season and and NBA is already back and running that's what college football is going to have to make sure i think everyone is a somewhat healthy i guess that i think the obviously this is uh you know whatever's going on with ohio state and i think i think both athletic directors came out and said like yes it's fine we're probably going to play um whatever's going on it's easy to make assumptions and all that.

The one thing I do want to note is both Alabama and Ohio State, both of you have immediate family members of legendary championship head coaches who post online denying denying COVID. One of them has at least apologized. The other who... The other works as a nurse at Ohio State. The other is a nurse who could be on a way to Jacksonville, Florida. or or Los Angeles, California.

And we'll presumably just keep posting. At the Ohio State School of Crazy Medicine. Crazy medicine. It's like normal medicine, but crazy. Yeah, who could be on the way to Jacksonville? Because that's exactly what the Jaguars need, is a coach who can't physically stand losing. Like, it actually, we really considered that.

that like the jaggs were like we need a coach who's going to have a professional football team in their hands let's get somebody who's actually been made physically ill by losing the jaggs are two and 13 it's week 17 urban mire is standing they're shaking and he looks over jackson deville is on fire and he says that guy that's the one guy in here i need on my team all the rest of you get out of here keeping the fire cat That's it. You see, like, Urban's arm falls off, just drops off. Do you know how many games Urban Meyer has lost as a coach in the 17 years? He's been doing that job.

I was going to. A bunch one year in Florida, and then otherwise, like, none. I want to say something like 24. It's 32. Yeah. And the bunch of that one year in Florida was eight and was an eight and five year. Uh, so how many years would it take him to lose that many games as head coach of the Jaguars? Just one.

Four. Did you just one? Different answers. Go ahead. Above it. Average amount. Average amount. That's, that's a superb answer.

Um, yeah. I could say like reasonably, given how bad the Jags are, you say one. I mean, I'm going to say this philosophically, not possible, or philosophical. possible mathematically not right i think i think he could lose that many on like three seasons the worst season he's had is that eight and five year he's both in terms of total losses and winning percentage um i mean unless you count you know the whole 2018 ohio state year where he had quite a fun off the field experience and got held out of a handful of games but um just going on wins and losses yeah that's the worst and like it's very it seems likely that he'd go at least like best case nine and

seven that's a huge stretch for me to say nine and seven but that seems right and i don't know how he would handle seven losses i i really don't there's no data there's no dave to here the irony of having a very high pressure job like an NFL job where failure is all but guaranteed for even the best in a in a difficult year where you're going to like you will lose games you know 10 and 6 is a real kid season that's an amazing season 11 and 5 it's an awesome season you go 12 and 4 we're getting to like the stratosphere of excellent um if you're you if you like lose 11 games in the season there's some really good coaches who've lost 11 games in the season Bill Belichick did it Bill Belichick did in his first year in New England and his last year in

Cleveland I think he's going to have to draw strength from from an earlier source in his life he's going to go back before he was a head coach all the way back to an organization that for a long long long time prepared many people to deal with losing he played in the minor league baseball system for the Atlanta Braves in the 80s. Do they have a mustache? I got to assume so. Okay. Yeah, everyone, you were legally required to.

I was going to say, I feel like the Braves in the 80s were like the inverse of the Steinbrenner Yankees where Steinbrenner was like, no long hair, no facial hair. And the Braves were like, slap a goatee on it right now. I mean, Ted Turner is your, is your local demigod? Like, yeah. Yeah. You got to have a mustache like, Ted. Here's a soul patch.

Get out there. Shack some thoughts. Everyone answer the question. What are you working for? The weekend. That's right. Everybody's working for the weekend. But we play games on...

Shut up. Shut up. We're all working for the weekend. I don't care that we play games on the weekend. Everybody wants a what. I gotta get some water. You'll keep going on or whatever. A new romance.

That's what we want. Yeah, I cannot imagine this working in any way imaginable. Not for the usual college football coach reasons, which would be like Lou Holtz making the Jets learn a fight song. Please remember that Lou Holtz tried to make the Jets like learn their own fight song. Please imagine this. Please imagine how well a New York Jets fan handled this news. Probably, probably well. Yeah, no.

A freaking son! Wow. He's got them doing musicals. Speaking of musicals, yes. Oh, you gave me the end. Well, he walked into it. Idiot. All right, Spencer.

The game is returned when you least expected it. And guess what? These are all listener submissions. All three. Again, the rules are simple. I'm going to read you the title and a brief description of three musicals. Two are real. One is not.

Are you ready? I'm always ready. Number one, the boys of Camp Winamonco. When the boys and the alcoholic counselor of Cabin 5 accidentally set up camp on the land of a mysterious farmer. They're kidnapped and forced through a series of mind games through which they learn not just about survival but about each other. This show surprises its audience by killing off a different camper every night.

That's the boys of Camp Winamonco. That's your first choice. Choice number two. Can I just say something? Yeah. If you made that one up, that is an ornate and beautiful piece of imaginary work. Choice number two. All-American is the title.

Professor Fedorski emigrates from Hungary to the United States to teach at the Southern Baptist Institute of Technology, where he winds up applying engineering principles to football and leading the team to the Cotton Bowl until an unscrupulous advertising executive decides to exploit his newfound fame. All-American, that's the title of that one. Your third choice, dogfight, a group of young Marines gathered in San Francisco the night before they ship off to Vietnam decide to celebrate their last night of freedom with a cruel game they call a quote dog fight where every man puts money in a pot sets out to find a party date and the man with the ugliest date wins the pot that musical dog fight which which of these is the false

musical i'm going to say for the first time in the history of this game the brief history of this game i am flying totally blind here do not have uh i do not have prior understanding or knowledge of any of these three and i'm just going to have to go by uh if not sight by faith i think that the second one sounds like the made up one um so i'm just going to go with that and say that all american is the fake one ryan i told you all american is a real musical spencer ryan i told you he was going to bite on that i mean because well this i i i overthought it because i bit like three times. I was like, oh, that would be the one he made up. No, but it wouldn't. But what if he, what if he, what if you reversed me? A true reverse. I didn't make it up. I didn't make it up. Mel Brooks made

it up. He wrote the book to All-American. Wow. Which, which ran on Broadway for 80 performances in 1962 and drew mostly unfavorable reviews. You're kidding me. That is an amazing piece of cultural history, Ryan. Again, these, these, all three of these, I do. didn't pull the listener names because they don't know if people want to be associated with the show or with me or any of that but thank you to the three listeners who sent in the two fakes the two real musicals and the fake the fake was from a listener as well what was the fake musical well okay no give him another give him another guess uh is the fake one is the fake one the first one yeah the the the ugly date pot is basically every musical ever that's kind

true i am do i desperately want the first one to be real more than any other of the fake ones we've had before yeah yeah i do that is amazing not just for the prospect of killing summer campers i i was trying to think the staging on that one is pretty spectacular doesn't have to be right no you could do it in a black box where they can't fire right in the middle of the theater i like that you're already plotting it or you could you could do it in the round like uh that's what i was thinking like the like the Oklahoma revival they just did which was supposed to be very good and had crockbots all over the stage too and I think you got to go up to the stage and like get chilly out of the crockpot if you wanted to oh god we did that for fucking inherit the wind when I was like a freshman it was awful wow who played who did you have any like dennyhee worthy oh worse this was at Tennessee so it was always David fucking Keith okay however on occasion it was all also Dale Dickey, who is a goddess. Fair.

Well, Spencer, you've been got once by our listeners and none by me. And I think that means I should quit the show forever, but I won't. Tough shit. I think this is just an invitation to the listeners to keep the streak going. That's true. Keep it going. Yes. Send in more suggestions.

There are more that I haven't gotten to, obviously. Hashtag Ryan Streak. Yeah, that'll work. Streaking Ryan. How bloomed was his onion? Bloomed. Bloomed. Bloomed.

Yeah, so no, again, great work, listeners. I am impressed. I take this loss with equanimity and tip my hat. I will be back for this. Tonight, tonight was a Heisman. I don't know, did you all know have a vote for that? I have a vote for the Heisman. Oh, dear, still.

still still have a vote are you ever worried are you ever worried that one year they're going to be like yeah no thanks they're going to they're going to clear the voter rolls and like yeah we purge me yeah that Spencer's dead i had this was my ballot you want to hear my ballot because i have a vote not really so yeah so i'm going to tell you um field apparel i heard yes i heard a yes in there all right your eyes your eyes was that was it server that said you yes, I don't think it was server. Server, did you say yes? No.

Server's sounding good tonight, folks. Server recording from inside the fullcast paint. Server is recording from the shutdown fullcast, 2012 to 2019. A lot of people will tell you that 30,000 leagues under the sea, 20,000 leagues under the sea is shut down at Disney. In fact, it's where server records this podcast from. On Dardust. Um, we're, we're going to outro this with the Bubba Spark's Little Mermaid remix, right? Get it right.

Get it right. Get it tart. There's a chance the server has never heard this. Um, well, we're going to fix that. Um, hang on. Do mermaids technically have booty? Yeah. They do after this.

I mean, for one, they have to, uh, they have to excrete a solid waste somehow. That's different. That's, you're just saying that they have an elementary canal. Yeah, but, well, I mean, we all know you have to have some sort of a, they have a, if you're a humanoid, you have to have some sort of a cushion around that, some sort of a, I mean, curvature around it. But, but, all people are essentially tubes, right? I mean, if you've never heard this, it is amazing. Get it together and bring it back to me About a month of two

And what's weird Is Disney signed off on this? They did Man, this is a lovely podcasting right here Yeah Being a radio DJ is a great scam This is easy Just got to hit the post

Just push the fucking button Take back and lots of money pile up The Weasel! Darling, it's better down where it's wetter could have been above a sparks line. That is true. But no, I don't think fish have butts. Well, they...

Mermaids aren't fish. Yeah. The relevant half is fish. Yeah, but look at the way it's drawn. They're drawn by perverts. Brian, I'm just, I'm also disappointed that you would not consider the entire mermaid worth considering, but merely the relevant... I just want to know if Ariel...

has a dunk or not, okay? I mean, I think there's a large portion of the internet that has studied this issue and would conclude in the affirmative. There are probably numerous subredits that will give you an opinion on this that you don't want. Because look, I know, listen,

we all know Elastigarol's got a dunk. She's got that big old mom don't. Sure. But so... No, I denies it. I know Disney is up for it. That's, I will tell you this. The song's amazing.

I'm not going to stop for a minute. It's a good part. Oh, no! I mean, Ursula's got a butt. Ursula's all butt. The funniest version of the little mermaid to me are the ones where mermaids and mermens go pleading with the gods of the sea and land.

please please let me let me take to the land so that I might have a gigantic donkey ass please like some guy some merman like crawling to shore being like all I want to do is have legs here's the bridge oh he's going to get a suit somehow Who's going to sue us? Bubba Sparks or Disney? Bubba is, of course, a George football fan and Alabama basketball fan. Sure. So that is a unique category.

Bubba's my Twitter pal. Bubba, please don't. We love you. I would say there's like a 0.01% chance Bubba. We'll just listen anyway. Like if we put, if we put... Oh, wait, wait, no, here we go. Finale.

If we title it something, Georgia's football, he might actually listen. that's our show thanks everybody that's great yeah does bobo sparks thank you uh thank you to sound cloud rapper t l d royd it's pretty good

too long didn't royd correct yep it's about this is he's a strength coach yeah definitely a strength coach oh it's all natural I worked out too long did not royd did I came out of the sea I prayed for a gigantic donkey ass

put one on the beach back and I became the squad king of central Florida and uh king Triton didn't give me one so I just squatted until I had one that's it um I got I'm so sidetracked now for what you were talking about Ohio State what is King Triton's strength program like underwater like how's he getting that big well you know he skips leg day obviously but also like what is he he's mostly doing cardio right I mean, water is great resistance. Yeah, but that's not going to get you bulk, is it? No, but you look at...

Like, shouldn't he look like Michael Phelps with a beard? He's not holding it up. What are you talking about? He's not an atlas of the city. Titan is the atlas of this. God damn it. Not in the movie, he's not. I mean, if you ever seen a ripped dolphin, they're not.

You know, think of a seal. Right. Like a seal. Think about a seal. A seal is amazingly strong, but it's not. going to be cut it's going to have the power belly right if you're the bottom of the ocean and the whole ocean is pushing down on you you're essentially holding up the oh let's bring on our friend james cameron that's not how this works yeah if the part of the ocean right then that is not

you everything above that is being held up by you as well as the water that is alongside you so you're saying the strongest animals on earth if i'm understanding yeah it's the weird blinking shit down there that like you look at it and they're just like fuck you and you're like sorry sir that's why they look that way they're like I don't have time to look pretty constantly in the gym oh my god oh my god this is a joke okay this is joke that's just

for Ryan but I promise it's fucking hilarious okay Ryan Ryan we're going to make a musical about the creatures that live around the little geothermal vents at the bottom of the ocean you know what we're going to call it? What? Spring awakening Go Damn

Damn What the fuck? Really broke the foot off into shit That was Andre's Cantor-worthy is everyone okay I think I'm oh baby I wouldn't even try him

so like I said my Heisman ballot was I will do it again is King Triton on it he was second really Hey Chris dot com slash fullcast It was Devante Smith God damn it

Second was No yards at all None Man's never even seen a yard I had Naji Harris second and then third out of Jared Patterson because you know that third

Heism's slot let's just give Jared Patterson some love Buffalo's finest there only had to talk about mermaid butts to get there no lineman huh not in a good line man no lineman this year that sucks they're all pretty bad this year

I can't think of a dumber thing dude than to say yeah every college offensive linemen they were pretty disappointing they were all average they were all they were all okay just get the fattest meanest men on the field really mad at you they don't do they will they I forget did they release like the fall like here's everybody who got about okay yeah it's probably out already okay it better be it takes them way too long to count this way too long we got to wait for mail-in ballots and then there's the military ballots from overseas and yeah do we have to see if any dead like did anyone vote twice with their voter

for a lot for the heisman oh so we have the top 10 top 10 devonte Trevor mac trask naggie breeze hall of iowa state world's greatest running back for the playoff committee uh justin fields who played about six minutes they're all pretty good zach wilson ian book and kyle pitt So Florida had exactly as many top 10 guys as Bama had top three guys. Still pretty good. Cool. Yeah, Calchasca, Calchas didn't really finish strong. That's just, just IMO, a hot take didn't really finish strong enough.

Maybe losing LSU. But again, better than all the linemen, all of them everywhere. Yeah, better than all this. I didn't see a lineman throw a single decent pass this year so sorry you're going to get emails now so I'm going to get

emails with emails with barbecue sauce on them dear idiot dear little idiot dear tiny that really should be what all linemen do in response to any insult hey little idiot

dear tiny moron up here in giant land we see things a little differently um is anyone's coach left yet did anyone get fired as of as of the last hour yeah i don't think so i would like to point out so you know uh let's get a few things out the way the forecast has magical powers yes can we control them no because on the last episode i said by the time that episode came out dan lullin was going to get the jet's job we're here recording

the next episode and Dan Mullen did not get the Jets job so no like I understand people want to people tweet us and are like hey why don't you just talk about how like COVID magically disappears or some shit like we can't control it right that when is when does that end though because like this episode is not out yet no yeah like the powers could still happen but I'm just saying like we've tried I think we have tried to use our powers exactly twice on this show once last show I tried to get Dan Mullen in the high as well uh when we try to use it it doesn't work right we tried to get dan mullen the jet's job and we tried to get henry kessinger dead via skateboard accident and those things have not happened no we didn't we just wanted to see a molly over a trash can i thought we

wanted to die in the skateboarding i think it was him didn't want to kill henry kessinger ryan i realize as our attorney you have to spell out exactly what uh yeah i'm our attorney now Holly would be a great attorney because, like, a witness would just get up there and say something. Filing my teeth to points while maintaining unblinking eye contact with the opposing counsel. Witness would be like, I saw Spencer going to the bank and Holly would just be like, no, you didn't. And the witness would be like, maybe I don't know. Crate. Crate.

Get in it. I think you would just do your negotiating tactics at them, right? Oh, do you want to... Have we ever done this on the show? Yeah, that when you try to... Don't tell people about this. It makes me sound psychotic. It's a very effective negotiating tactic that I think more people should try.

All right. How do we do this? What's an example that we... What's an example that we've done in real life? This. Hey, you know what? I think we... I think that should happen at 12 o'clock.

It works better with money. Okay. $5. I will give you $5 for that. $10. I will give you $6. $20. I will give you $6.50.

I will give you $10. $100. It's an offshoot of the Don't Start Nun doctrine. Sure. It feels very... It's overkill. Hans Gruber, where like... Overkill, listen, what's the point of underkill?

That's where the good meat is. It's in the underkill. yeah i i this is this is how you would be on the stand with somebody right you wouldn't bother to say like oh i've established that you've lied about that you would just basically badger them until they admitted it it would be yeah yeah and the judge would the judge would be like move along you would go no no i'm not going to do that no i'll stay right here uh no nobody's gotten any new jobs yet they're interested in the jobs the jobs are out there this I will say this is so most of the time I think college football is funnier and more interesting than the NFL the coaching cycle in the NFL is the one exception and I will tell you why there is this thing that happens in the early stages of the coaching turnover progress a process rather where the coaches that are going to get fired get fired and then the next thing happens and keep in mind this is while the NFL has you know puffed itself

up as you know 100% grit nothing but nothing but fighting through pain next man up business it's a business and a sport and an honor shield ball right but then the thing happens where the franchise is that want to go after certain coordinators who are like occupying the playoffs have to get extremely courtly about it where they're like dearest dearest kansas city chiefs owner It would do be the great honor if you would release your offensive coordinator for one day of merriment and interviewing with a humble franchise with your permission at a date to be determined at your convenience. They have to go around and do this whole bullshit act where they're like,

may we please meet with your coach to discuss future employment with us? And the franchises can just be like, no, you can't do that. that's my eldest son and I won't let him date you you're asking some dude you're courting some dude some dude like Jerry Richardson announcing your intent

may I court your daughter may I court your offensive coordinator I will bring her only the finest of hardest dish sir I would like to announce my intent to whed your defensive

of coordinator. To first quit and then quill. I'm so glad you brought this voice in because this is

how I always imagine Jason Garrett talks every time I see his face. It's like

a cross between that and John Lovitz doing tales of ribaldry. I'm Jason Garrett.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I enjoy the problem. Maybe with a little bit of King John in the cartoon Robin Hood but that fox

that everybody wanted to bang. Including the thumb-sucking. Oh, no, no, no, no. Jason Gaddett has a dirty thumb. He did go to Princeton, so he doesn't wash his hands. This is how everyone from Princeton talks.

I love dudes in the NFL who somehow bypass any... Now I have a voice. It's so disturbing. It's great. I have a terrible voice. Now every NFL coach is named. This is the tall lady on Good Place. is the voice I'm getting here.

Oh, thank you. I love dudes in the NFL who've somehow gotten to this point without ever actually having done a decent job coaching anywhere at a lower level. You know, they're like, what was he? Well, special teams coordinator at Mississippi State.

He was at Pittsburgh State. You know, the guerrillas for nine years and won approximately seven games there. Don't ask you how. Seven. And then then I don't know. Then he became the offensive coordinator for the New York Giants.

He was off the grid for about three years there. Nobody really knows. Then he went to work for, let's see, Ron Turner. And now he's the head coach. He was Ron Turner's pool boy. Just so we're clear, not football related. How? Yeah, he did great things at East Illinois.

And then, I don't know, he got a gig with the Packers. like there are so many dudes in the NFL I'm like I don't really expect these to be direct pipelines and completely overlapping but I sort of kind of expect to go well I've sort of heard of that dude there are dudes who pop up in the NFL and you're like this says you worked at a sunglass hut seven years ago

there's also there's I think there's this thing every year in the NFL say there's like six open jobs everyone agrees who five of those jobs are going to right this year Eric B. Enemy the Titans O.C. The Bucs O.C. you know, there's like this short list of guys that are like doing musical chairs. And then there's the one oddball team that hires the sunglasses head guy. It's just, all right, we got a guy from the CFL.

That's how. Yeah. Now, I think the, now the opposite of that are college guys who get hired that pro people are like, what? Like Cliff Kingsbury. Like realistically, if you're a professional fan who has no contact with pros. And then you're like, yeah, we hired Texas Tech's head coach. Huh? Yeah. Well, I mean, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's quite possible Cliff has worked at Sunglass Hut. Man wears shades a lot. See? So maybe that's why. Maybe. I mean, that's totally, that's completely possible, you know? And then there are guys who are just so old that, like, the people they've coached with,

I don't really recognize their, their, you know, entire, like, network or, like, I don't recognize anyone they worked with, right? Like, Vic Fangio. You're like, how long has he been coaching? 41 years. Okay. Yeah, everyone who trained him is dead.

They've been dead for a really long time. He started in the Colts mailing room when they were in Baltimore still. And he never gave up. That was back when the Colts was like the Colts Express. He was literally delivering mail for the Colts. Yeah, or like this. Matt LaFleur was like just his resume, you look at it, you're like, you weren't anywhere for a real long time, dude.

and I don't really know where you came from. One fun thing about Matt LaFleur that you should know. In 2003, he played football for an indoor football team. The Omaha, Nebraska. The Omaha beef. The Omaha beef. Do you know what their mascot was?

It's a bull, right? Yes. Do you know what the mascot's name was? Sir Loin. Nice. The cheerleaders were the prime dancer. Oh, Jesus. That doesn't really make any sense.

So the fun thing about this is I was actually Googling this the other day. If you Google his name in Omaha Beef, you will find a Facebook post by the Omaha Beef saying, hey, NBC wants photos of the Packers Coach in Omaha Beef jersey. Anybody got him? We don't have any. We're the Omaha Beef. They have like one photo of him standing by the logo. They're like, please post photos if you got them.

And there's like five photos that are like, I was sitting in. like the last row, which is like, you know, the 50th row. It was like, I don't know if he's any of these. And one of them's like a guy being carted off with injury. Like, who's at him? I don't know. Could be. Anyway, that's a good thing to Google. But these are the people

who are beating Jim Harbaugh out for NFL. That's right. What? Ew! Yep. And they are doing it while like Michigan fans, I think, are hoping. I think Michigan fan, I don't know at this point, but it feels like

Michigan fans are like, God, it would be fucking great if the Jets just took him. If they just took them off our hands, fuck, that would be like, it just, it wouldn't be awkward and we could just all move on quietly. I've seen multiple, like, play it as success. Yeah, like, you know, it'd be really funny if we just end up with Matt Campbell, you know, like, I think they would be fine with that. Like, it's like he's a valuable car that they regret buying. So they're like, maybe if I just park it on the street, someone he'll steal it, and then I can

just get the insurance money and like yeah I'm gonna fuck what he has depreciated quite a bit y'all are not going to believe what just called both races what the fucking economist what I was

I was hoping you were going to say TMZ sports this is a little hasty for the economist doesn't they move at like 1845 speed I'm uncomfortable with this the economist is called like the 1912 election Oh, okay, that makes a lot more sense.

Rutherford B. Hayes, a sentence to the presidency. We've finally determined. Our raven has finally returned from the front. Here are 100 non-by-lined words about what the raven haths. We asked 100 Civil War veterans. Put the answers on the board, please. We shall publish these after 11sies. The answer is to trust the magnates.

The magnates know best. Hop on the wires. Let the Empire know. Mill your children for food. I thought you were going to say like David Pollock called the race or something. You know, like... Then I really wouldn't miss, dude. Don't ask him to do math. He's got the prettiest eye that might bleed.

He went to Georgia, Spencer. What are the funny. Guys, I think it's over. Guys, I've seen enough. Big things happen in here, but I heard something crazy. Just Desmond Howard busting out a statistically intricate and detailed and accurate scenario where he's like, yeah, I just don't see, I don't see Purdue having the votes here. Like, look, Dooley County, 98% reported. It's over. It's over.

Yeah, we got to do this in like the bear breaking down stats. I don't trust the economist for shit. Imagine the economist reporting on us like they're in the Paddicton movie, Darkest Peru. They have built a house of waffles. A once great empire. Oh my God. You know they pronounce it, Waffle House. Waffle house.

The waffled house. In the southern provinces of the... A deceptive name, given that it is neither a residence nor crannied on the outside. Oh, God. that's it we need more economists covering college football we would be like you know no no no we need to go over there we did hey hey i got an invisible hand for you right here i mean holly you got your new voice to use and everything shit using no listen this is the voice that i used to leave voicemails for brian phillips

and so far i've never used it for anything else so nobody tell him i've done this I just want to evaluate currencies like football teams to talk about them emotionally, right? We're like, hey, listen, man, the euro, they took that loss personally. They took it personally. They're using motivation, right? Like, that's from that loss, they're going to come back. I don't think that's that different from mad money based on what you're saying. No.

Like, I think that's what mad money is where Jim Kramer's just like, you know what? I think semiconductors, like, they're going to rally in the fourth quarter. gonna get it together they're looking at each other saying like we gotta pull together semiconductors and that's why they're a must buy bam that was all that guy did for like 15 years man just sitting there just sitting there hitting the soundboard being like hmm what do i think about waste management it's pretty good right trash trash trash that's that's all that dude did there's no evidence he was actually any better or worse than anyone else just guessing that's what bruce wayne becomes if his parents don't die

just sitting in a room screaming just screaming about business i'm gonna i'm gonna yeah this is what we need to do with college football with absolutely no room for debate right we're like hey they're the number seven team caller you're on the air i think they're more about not no They're trash! Don't buy. Don't buy. You could be so rude and shitty to them, and they'd be like, that guy gets it. He's great.

He sees what he wants to see. He hears what he wants to hear. And then he hangs up on his collars. He calls it like it is. That guy's strong. He's like Gary Barton, ketamine. That's the Johnson family gives you the Jets job for it. This guy gets it.

100% certain about everything he says and that means he's definitely smart and on the level I have not seen by the way before we tell everybody about a very dear close friend of the podcast I do want to say

I haven't seen anybody you talk to God the sun I haven't seen anybody try to hire Todd Grantham yet and good I like him where he is and I'm not trying to do this because that would put it out in the universe as intent and then it wouldn't happen but it would be nice if if Todd Grantham got the West Virginia defensive coordinator job which was a rumor floating around about three or four days ago just just a thought I don't think it works that way I think

it's more of a Ringo situation where like once you you have to pass you have to affirmatively yeah you pass the curse on yeah i don't think you can just float it i don't think that's how it works you gotta like leave them at somebody's doorstep and hope that they just like signed them to a contract is this this victorian baby doll that only screams blitz interesting well spencer remember remember the law of extremely confident gary barda i think you have to believe it first wow oh shit god also why are you why are you got to do that to west virginia like what have they ever done to you

shown you hospitality they've like provided you with entertainment i don't see why you got to dump them on them you know what when it comes to curses there are no um there are no heroes and there are no villains there's only the next i mean you know who needs a defensive coordinator hmm no name you know what i think they need an aggressive no nonsense defensive coordinator Boy, this is a great fit. Can you imagine? Brian Kelly, Todd Grantham, having a chat. It'd be like inside out if all the characters were anger.

Two angers. Yeah, these are our characters up here. This is anger, and this is anger, and this is anger, and this is, this is farts. I don't know if it's rude. Big Midwestern farts. Yeah, big angry, that's what we got here um you know what i i'm really trying to find comfort in something that i can't find comfort in i.e. hoping that a terrible defensive coordinator goes away but you know what

i can find comfort in i think jason can tell me a little something about it i'm going to guess you're talking about extremely comfortable cool collegiate apparel from home field apparel such as shirts for the upper body yeah shirts hoodies very very very very select pants, which you could perhaps wear on your upper body. Not enough pants. Mermaid friendly. Mermaid friendly is what it is. I would say mermaid biased, to be quite honest.

Mermaid, merman. Mer people. Why is Connor biased against those of us with more than two major limbs? That's a real. I think a good question. Connor, Connor, the floor is yours, sir. Answer for your crimes against the ocean.

I never get over the fact that he is paying to listen to this. also you know what home field apparel is not very good for snakes no man if you if they've got two they've got a pair of the home field apparel sweatpants which do not contain photos of the sad dog they can share them it's true they could do that in a they could do that in a shirt you got two a hoodie that's two sleeves what is a pant but a dull that's that's right what is a pant but a double snake snuggy and what is a hoodie but like a

an apartment for two snakes with like a roommate floor plan so you're saying a whole living room in the middle so you're saying a hoodie is a honey is a snake church here is the home field and here is the steeple open up inside and snakes snakes isn't have to rhyme it's blank first you're doing great homefield apparel.com if you'd like to house your snakes in your clothes and occasionally borrow the clothes from the snakes, it would be recommended by two hoodies, one for your snakes, one for you, and then maybe you can trade.

Sure. If you do not have any clothes for snakes at this time, you're going to want to use Offer Code Fulcast. If you have already purchased. If you're wrong. If you're unsure about whether you have snakes, go ahead and be certain. Can't be too careful.

Can't ever have too many snakes. That's what I always say. also you're going to need to feed your snakes right yeah snakes are expensive snakes are an expensive pet snakes are uh only if you keep them only if you keep them confined only if keep them indoors yeah yeah my snakes have jobs so they're sort of self-providing what jobs do you snakes do uh they're bloggers well so so so like i said they're a drain on the economy yeah they're tanking your household Yeah, totally worthless But those snakes do have

Some amount of income Because all blog posts Snakehorns.com acorns.com Offer code fullcast for $5 booster kit To begin to provide for your snakes of the future Snakes don't do snakes live a long time? I don't I've never had a snake Longer than you think Long enough to be terrifying

How long do snakes live. It's going to be a big range. This lists one type of snake and says nine years, but the thing people also ask is can snakes live for 100 years, so.

The larger snake can grow, the longer it can live. All right, so boas can live over 50 years. So say you have a double boa, and this thing is going to live 100 years. Like a Georgia, longer than several uggas. Yeah. That's like a desi

a desi ugga. Say you have a boa. like bumpy with uggas that it's swallowed. Yeah, just just like a whole Did you just say bumpy with uggas like a corrugated snake? It looks like a fucking pot of peas. Sorry, what combination of letters

is right in the middle of the word corrugated? That's the word. U, G, A. What's that coming down the track? A ball on constrictor a snack. You can skateboard across this top of this boa like Bada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Henry Kissed you just did a six and eighty

off of the back of this snake. That ain't all George's mask. All the back of the 37 still digesting uggas. Acorns.com to begin your investment portfolio today, it's simple and easy to sock away cash for the future. Uga won't need that, of course Nuga won't be around for that But hey, we'll be on

We'll be on UGA 7,000 by then It's like It's like a warhammer Where the emperor's been alive for 30,000 years One of these days One of the Ugas is going to outlast us all That's what the Acorn's family investing plan is for

Yeah, start that Uga Young with the child plan And that'll be the one that makes it I'll give everyone an update, by the way. It currently... On my Acorns portfolio performance. Currently up... Currently up 41% from initial investment. $0.44.

Let's see. Cost of buying a snake... Again, a wide range. The internet says the cheapest garter snake's going to run you about $20. I mean, shit, I'll go grab one out of the front yard right now. Let's get it from the yard, yeah. Yeah. Go on out of the island and... your yard.

Yeah, it's insane in it. It's pretty great. The kids used to be terrified of lizards and snakes and whatnot, but at this point, they're just like, oh, fuck it. There's so much nature. World's ending anyway. Might as well get comfortable with this. Yeah, they're out there like with machetes, like hacking through our bamboo jungle

back there and the island in the front. It's great. Like, if I don't say anything, they'll end up just doing yard work. But yeah, I could buy six garts. harder snakes online with my acorns retirement portfolio so I could either retire or buy six snakes I think you should retire personally to be with my snakes yes that's it all I care about are my 36 snakes snake boss see that would be that would be a hell of a way for a coach to step down if like you know

wouldn't wouldn't not be great Nick Saban wins the title just alright I'm just gonna go hang out with my snakes like I think they're very active listeners wouldn't it be if Gary Patterson was just like well we had a good run

built a lot of things here now it's time for me to retire to Arizona with my 58 snakes he's just weird enough to say like a snake yeah he's very distended he's like a coiled snake yeah do you think he could eat an entire bulldog and unhinge his jaw oh yeah uh i think he can if you tell him you think he can't wow see what i'm saying yeah it's good motivation oh fuck you and then he's also gonna extrude a lot

a liquid during the process which is going to make I see the vision right okay you see where I'm going with this yeah he's going to dehydrate the dog as it is in his mouth making thereby there is less to digest he mummifies

he mummifies everything he touches so that he can make it into jerky as he's chewing the dog it is turning to mere powder wow yeah I mean it was already powder because it's been real real dead you know Do you know what this reminds me of?

What? The benefits of long-term investing. That's what I'm just, it's coming all back around. Sure. Yeah. Having a slowly digesting dog in your stomach that you feed off of for months and months. Wait, I got it. Who's that coming down the tract?

Laugh. Laugh. That's the definition of long-term investing right there. Yeah, Python is the, that's the shrewdest investor of all. Oh, yeah. absolutely acorns.com to plant seeds

in a garden you never get to see because you're inside a python y'all remember Ogden Nash yes did you ever read

his zoo poems no some of them were it's a tiny little book that my mother had the men and some of them

were several pages long and some of them were like three lines long but the one I remember was about eels and the whole poem goes like this I don't mind eels except his meals and the way they feels

end of poem and this man made money writing these Ogden Nash is a god is this still a shoot he was probably super racist and I don't even know about that so please don't take me saying

that he was a god personally Ogden Nash super racist I know one I know one Ogden Nash couplet and it was about fled the Nazis for all I know, or he might be awful. I don't know.

It was about an extremely nepotistic Hollywood producer who used his entire family, put his whole family on the payroll, and his name was Carl Lemley. And the entire poem was, Carl Lemley has a very large family. Sure. One of the ratings for the pocketbook of Ogden Nash still gave it three stars, says surprisingly racist at times. And not so surprisingly misogynistic at others. Wait, it's all about animals.

I don't know. Still gave it three stars out of five. I'm positive I'm missing something because I only remember this and the poem about guppies. And the whole poem about guppies is just a list of what you call a baby animal. And then the last line is guppies just have little guppies. Jason, how would you feel if Jim Harbaugh took the falcons shop? Oh, geez.

Ryan? Ryan, I feel bad. You can't sneak up on a man in the grass like that. No, listen, listen. Like a snake. I wasn't clear if we were out of the ad or not, so I had to steer us back into something. I don't know.

Out of the ad and into the adder. I'll answer the question. I would feel bad, Ryan. Okay. Also, I'm not sure if we can afford him. We're like $25 million over the cap. So, we're going to, we're going to, we're going to, for who? For what?

I mean, Matt Ryan plus Julio equals a salary cap, so. Pretty much. Worth it. Wait, something. It seemed like it for a while. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Like, you look at the Jags is like you walk in and you are, hey, you are, you are, you

are create a GM in Madden. You can do whatever you want. You got 10 draft picks, the number one pick. got a shitload of cap space. The Jags, other than, like, the father of a guy who runs a wrestling company is the actual GM, the Jags is an awesome job, you know, and the Chargers is a pretty nice job. The Falcons, the Texans, Texas you get Deshawn Watson. Cool, that's it.

You got no draft picks, ever. The Texans is playing the Oregon Trail on, like, an unseen difficulty level. Texas is playing. with debt you start with debt and you have to work off dog it's like you were playing organ trail going east you're starting hey hey welcome to organ trail extreme guess what you already have dysentery you haven't even left your house have a great fucking time go you're playing playing organ trail starting in the ocean you can't swim hey who who traded all those draft picks away at all the best player for another future Alabama offensive

coordinator bill o'brien bill o'bop do yeah that's just wanted to go ahead and tag that because whoever ends up being the Alabama offensive coordinator is going to be hilarious the uh you've seen the rumor right like the funniest rumor

the funnier than bill o'brien Adam gays the gays rumor yeah yeah yeah yeah like that's that's like the coach sabin let's let's really see how you are at this, right? I think that is Nick Saban being like, oh, so much work.

Like, having to hire new help is so much work. Where can I find somebody who will never get published? Somebody who would never draw any interest from another college football team as for a head coach position. I like how even that would backfire. Adam Gase is going to be the Tennessee head coach in two years.

Even that backfires. Two years later, it's like, you know, this guy's worked for Nick Saban. I mean, this is also such a harsh indictment of everyone else competing against Nick Saban right because he's like shit

it doesn't matter who I hire so fucking look at you see God these guys are so good I'm so good at recruiting and I just hand them off and like yeah I mean Offensive quarterback he's a funny guy I think it's going to work out great it's just going to be fine

yeah that's it he's just like got such contempt for offense that this is the final stage where he's like I can plug anyone in there i can put it what you throw to the fast guy like that's the hard side of the ball it's like selling fireworks just like slab a new label on it who fucking cares like they're so talented adam gase could just call the stupidest game plan it's like we haven't called a we haven't called a pass on first down and eight games and we haven't called a pass on second down and five games and we're still undefeated because everyone else sucks and i'm awesome

I actually think with Adam Gase, they would take a step back, which is the funnier part. So that he can screw that up. And it'd be like, I think we throw it in Devante Smith too much. 7.20 p.m. January 5th, 2021. TVline.com. Cayu canceled at PBS kids. Oh, fuck yes.

What a night. Kelly Leffler and Cayu out of here. The great scourges of our nation since Skitterin. Man, are two weirdest-looking losers. How do you manage to have better hair than Kelly Leffler? How do he pull that off? He doesn't even have hair. That's just like...

He's got eyebrows. That's hair? No, that's like some sort of loser flaky, loser skin lint that hangs off. You know what? You know what? He makes it work better than Kelly Luffler's flat show dog bullshit. I know who's... Like an Afghan hound with a malfunctioning flat iron.

But I don't like baseball. Bye, bitch.