Shutdown Fullcast - Workplace Disasters: LIVE! from Portland

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

Ryan tries some ASMR The meanest email Holly has ever gotten A surprise guest! “Have you ever downloaded so much porn that you crippled infrastructure?” The crew writes some live women’s restroom horror fanfic Everybody wants to be a tuberculosis influencer Ask Coach: How do you motivate a two-star player harboring a deadly parasite? This week's theme song arranged and performed by Trey McClure Tickets still available for our festival show in Raleigh! More info here: https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/41961499/the-sports-podcast-festival-raleigh-the-rialto Also on sale: tickets for our show at Furnace Fest in Birmingham! https://www.seetickets.us/event/shutdown-fullcast-live/603983 Follow Jason's work and upcoming book-related appearances on Vacation Bible School, Shutdown Fullbooks, and elsewhere at jasonkirk.fyi Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at channel-6.ghost.io Listen to Ryan's other, less harrowing podcast, We're Not All Like This, and check out his new project at assigned.substack.com  Purchase only the finest Fullcast gear at sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Well, first of all, right quick, coach, since I got you on the line, I just want to check in on the status of your program. You keeping those boys inspired? What do you turn into? You turn into motivational quotes, to wall hangings, to have you gotten a tattoo of any made-up Abraham Lincoln quotes or anything, Coach? Well, one thing I did is this. I said that, you know what? You know, when we have Fridays in our family, what do we do on Fridays in our family?

We have pizza night, right? We have pizza night because you don't get pizza on Mondays, okay? Mondays when we show up to work and we tell them. the truth. Okay. Tuesdays, that's Taco Tuesday, because we take our responsibility. Truth Monday. That's right. That's right. And after that, we take all of our hurt that we've gotten from telling the truth because the truth ain't easy, okay? We tell the truth in this program, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Nobody wants to hear the truth because if you hear the truth, that means you've got to get better. That means you got to be honest. You've got to face facts,

okay? So after that on Taco Tuesday, it's Taco Tuesday, we take all those hurt, we put it between two shells and we eat it. That's what we do. Two shells, coach. Right, yeah, two shells, okay? You're cracking a taco in half and then reassembling it. That's right. What else is a shell? A shell? That's something that goes off, right? That's us.

We're a weapon and we're pointed in the name of righteousness at victory. Okay? So we take two of those. Boom. We make a taco of greatness and that's Tuesday. Okay. Then on Wednesday, that's wild Wednesday, okay? Because sometimes in the middle of the week you've got to go ahead and you got to let it out.

Because I don't want you going in. I don't want you going through the rest of the week, you know, with all this buildup, okay? Wild Wednesday, we're going to have hard workouts. We're going to have hard practice. That's going to be full shells. We're going to see, we're going to see, you're firing artillery at them boys out there. That's right. That's right. We're truly wild on Wednesdays, okay? On Thursday, Thursday, that's when I want you to, that's when we have our team meetings where we get composure.

We tell everybody about the worst things. For instance, like our offensive lineman, skillet Thompson, skillet Thompson last Thursday, after we had a moving Bible passage that we shared with everybody. It's okay, you don't have to be Christian. We're just using it for inspiration, okay? Sure. That's it. All right. He shared a moving story about his, his fight. with colitis, okay? And if you don't think pooping your pants when you're not expecting, it's an issue and send it something to overcome, go talk to skill it. He might change your mind about that, okay? You never know what somebody's going through unless, of course, they've just pooped their pants in front of you, which is pretty apparent. Fridays, Fridays, that's going to be Finisher's Friday, and that's when we have pizza, okay? And my point being, okay, you got to go

through all four steps of the week, including Finisher's Friday to earn that pizza, all right? Because you know what, you might think of it as something that you could get every day. Maybe some of you do. Maybe some of you were born with a pizza tooth. Maybe some of you were born with a golden pizza in your mouth, okay? Not anybody at this program, okay? Everybody who comes here, we start from step zero, okay? We start without boots.

Ain't got bootstraps, okay? We find some boots. We take them off somebody. We put them on, and we make them fit. Then we stuff them with pizza. And then if you don't fill it, hey, listen, if you're not filling out those boots, we're going to give you enough pizza, okay? this program I'm telling you we may not have the resources that some other programs got but the pizza budget pizza budget's enough to fuel a small army all right and we're gonna make sure you get all that pizza and that when we take the field we're tipping the scales both spiritually morally and literally now coach if I was one of those young men down there in North Texas playing for suiting up for the mean green that speech you just delivered just now that would have me ready to run through a fucking wall of pizza that's great that's great we watch the profanity unless it's game day okay that's one of you Monday listen

Monday through Sunday, I want everybody to go ahead and conduct themselves accordingly. We just cut out Saturday because football, you might be a nice man. Football is not won by nice men. So, you know, for three or four hours, we're going to be class. We're going to do everything right. But like Tina Turner said, we don't do it nice and we don't do it easy. Now, coach, the day on which I'm cursing is Tuesday. And, of course, my Colorado State Rams, we're in the Mountain West.

We're trying to promote it to the Mac. So therefore, dress for the job you want. The job I won is a coach in the Mac who's about to leave for an even better conference, right? Right. Coach, we are in the midst of our third straight winning season just put together a number 11 recruiting class. Number 11. Number 11. Highest rate of class before we arrived here was number 78 in the past 20 years of Colorado State University.

That's incredible. We have surpassed that twice this year. We've got four blue chips already locked and loaded. I don't even know what's going on in the field. We just beat the shit out of Navy, but that doesn't matter because we had some recruits in the building. And I spent the whole time talking to their mothers. I put very, very cordially and professionally, of course, get my hands to myself, Coach, as you have to do nowadays.

But, Coach, I just, I just, I also want to check in real quick with Michael Serber. We have a college athlete on the call. Oh, goodness. I'm going to see if we can get him to transfer to one of our schools. As I understand, we have a University of South Carolina running back Michael Serber, a.k. What's your name, Ray Gunn? Ricky Gunn.

Ricky Gunn. Ricky Gunn with two ends. Ricky Gunn with two ends. This kid right here He's a three star But he's an earner He's a worker All right

I was a two star sir I was a two star I see in my eyes Everyone gets an extra star But Yeah I mean you know what They

I like your five star attitude Already and that's what I gauge first Okay So I'd be moving you up the board Ricky Listen I'm the third stringer On these here Gamecocks

We're four and six All right But we gave a hell of a game to the number six Oklahoma Sooners in our last matchup. I've got about 12 snaps this season through 10 games and I think I'm going to get the hell out of here because I think I'm going to force win

this final game against Clemson to Clemson to make sure that we don't go to a bowl game and I'm going to go elsewhere. I'm taking my talents elsewhere. In fact, I'm going to be doing that here in the next 10 minutes or so. What I hear is that you, You've got some bullets in the magazine. Ricky, you've got some mileage left in that tank if you only got 12 snaps.

I don't appreciate the pun, sir. None at all. I understand this young man here is a 3.0 student, matter of fact. 3.0? I'll have you know I'm a 3.2, sir. Criminal justice? No, sir. Communications. I mean, I told you that.

We got one of those here at Colorado State University. I understand you've already been to CSU. Is that correct? uh no sir no sir you must be thinking of my cousin handing the dirt all right that's true hey i want you to know we don't have a communications program here at north texas but we specialize in music and that's the ultimate language the ultimate form of communication i think you got a leg up with um um ricky ricky guns spiritual operator there here's my here's my issue with north texas uh against colorado state and weighing my options

y'all are both green that's badass but um my man has gold dude yeah what do you got for me do you have any black alternates we do we got to listen we got a we got a we got a we got a clean black and green uh alternate that like it's nascar clean it looks like damn it we look like the skull machine out there rip the ass well we we have an alternate white helmet that looks like a rams skull so i don't know if you'd rather be a human skull or a or a dead ram i know which i'd rather be of course you ain't got gold that's the thing yeah i'll give you gold if you want to come here i was going to say gold you know what we do have platinum son got a little platinum accent and some of those white platinum albums yeah yeah platinum albums platinum uh platinum dreams

that's what we do here there's a chance i get three uh snaps here against coastal i'm gonna have to jump off this call thank you uh rickie i look forward to uh seeing you here in dentin i think you're going to contribute a lot of valuable time and effort to our football team it's really I'll be going anywhere but there. Thank you, sir. Always good to hear from three-star league blocker Ricky Gun. I don't hear no. I just know he's out there giving him hell on the punt return, punt coverage team.

You know what? I got a little something to talk about out there. If we're going to continue this theme here, Coach. But I do want to ask you one thing here. It's understandable that our programs, we've got to be a lot of different things here. And at our program, you know what we like to do. We need to go ahead and make sure that everybody is informed. If you want to go ahead and be informed.

armed, you know, not to interfere and provide a little bit of business along with our pleasure, but we run a little newslet that you might want to hear about Channel 6 newsletter. Channel 6 newsletter keeps you appraised of all things college football sports. And of course, University of North Texas free jazz offensive plays included in that. It's just $10 a month or $100 for a year with football season coming up. Valuable insights that you can only get there might be a good time to go ahead and sign up. What you got in your program? going on well coach just down the road from uh ricky guns um over lord michael surber uh we this program

the shutdown fullcast has a uh a headlining spot in the sports podcast festival coming up august 24th raleigh north carolina that's week zero saturday there ain't shit going on on the college football schedule that day so uh ignore it um watch watch georgia tag fs u that'll be a mess and then come hang out with us and hand in the dirt and and and many more and many more coach uh the tickets are available there sports podcast festival the name of it additionally the next day i will be at quail ridge books with serber with demetri vanos who put together this whole weekend and emily kirk her her very first book event for my novel hell is a world without you uh we are doing that quail ridge books raleigh north carolina sunday august 25th tickets available your ticket comes with a book i'll sign i'll do

whatever i'll draw a picture in it whatever you want we'll do a quick q-and-a reading those tickets are basically the same price as the price of a retail book. So you'd be crazy not to. You already have a copy. Awesome. Now you have one to give away. It's summer. Major League Baseball is in full swing.

And there's one app for you if you want last minute deals on Major League Baseball games. And that's game time.co. That's right. Gametime. com. I'm looking at the app right now and I'm picking out America's team, really. The Kansas City Royals. And at Kaufman Stadium, just in a couple days, there's tickets available.

for $16. And then, well, I don't want to up the stakes too much here, but let's go to next week. It looks like they're playing the Chicago White Sox. There are tickets available right now for $3. You could see a Major League Baseball game in Chicago for $3. What stadium you ask? Not important.

It's in Chicago. But GameTime.co is not just for Major League Baseball games, even though you can get great deals for that. You can also get great deals for concerts, football games. Those are going to be coming up pretty soon. You can find them on Game Time. dot co i use game time dot co to purchase last minute tickets for an olivia rodrigo concert tyler childers did not show up at mine that would have been awesome but it was awesome nonetheless

and gametime dot co made it super easy i got my parking through gametime dot co and and i got great tickets for my wife and i came time dot co made all of that so easy and one of the greatest concert experiences i've ever had in my entire life and i'll be using them again in fact i'm seeing a little bit called the beaches in late september And where did I get my ticket? That's right. Even ahead of time, I didn't wait till the last minute because GameTime's not CO has you covered then as well. That's what I love about it.

Whenever I want to get a ticket for an event, whether I heard about it months before and procrastinated to no end and have left myself an alert, you can save up to 60% of buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, anything else. So take the guesswork out of buying MLB tickets with GameTime. You can download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code fullcast for $20 off your first purse. purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code F-U-L-L-C-A-S-T for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. And additionally, the shutdown forecast is that, yes, speaking of live shows, we do have live show audio coming up in just a second. You're almost there. You're almost there. Your Portland Planetarium audio is coming right up. Before that, I'm going to tell you about

October 3rd, 2024. Sorry about that coach. Furnace Fest, Birmingham, Alabama. The shutdown full cast is playing our first music festival. Get you a ticket to our set, to our gig. And we might strum a guitar. I don't know. Serber strummed guitar on my audio book coming soon. Coming soon within the next couple weeks. Let's put it that way.

Yeah. And those tickets are also available. So you should acquire some. Coach, I think that's all our business at the moment. I think that is all of our business at the moment. Hey, come on out to Birmingham. You might go ahead and see me and coach. and coach, we might do some Gojira.

We might do some Sirea. Yeah, I might cut a queen's head off. Okay, let her sing. Hey, we might, hey, we might fucking sit around a table and anger every Republican to the side of people sitting at a fucking table. God damn it, I came all the way to France. Why don't they do American stuff an American way?

That's what I need to see. I hate the idea of people sitting at a table. Anyway, let's go to Golden Corral. Yeah, I love America and everything the revolution stands for. Unless it involves cutting an aristocrat. lady who'd watch me starve's head off and then in that case i'm really against it i don't know who that lady is but this is satanic anyway and that's why it's awesome that's right oh sorry i broke character there all right let's hear some portland audio to space

We're going to be able to be. We're going to be able to be. Close your eyes. Picture a crystal blue ocean, teeming with life. Fish of all sizes dart through her waters, and an octopus floats dreamily through the abyss. Draw closer to the octopus. See its undulating tentacles.

Dancing and weaving an unknowable pattern. With one arm, the octopus brushes the ocean floor. Sending a cloud of sand and pieces of shell spiraling through the water. As the detritus drifts, it spells a ponderous message you can just barely make out. Michael Dyer was down. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. Live from Portland, fucking Oregon. Live from 165 million years ago.

Jason, the earth's not that old. Speak for yourself. These people in Oregon don't know that. I am Spencer Hall. I am joined as always by Ryan Nanny, Holly Anderson, and Jason Kirk. Thank you so much for coming out to see us and hear the, first of all, big hand for Mosey here for the people. Not the name. No? Is that Tampa?

It's what it says out there. The planetarium folks who have hosted us here, a little round of applause. Thank you for mosey and on down. Thank you. The Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. Thank you. Museum of Oregon Science and Industry.

Yes. Thank you for having us. Thank you for hosting us here in Portland. Several other planetariums straight up rejected us. I am not making that up. No, like a lot. No, we tell no lies. Fuck you, San Diego.

You have no. Don't have the Marines and I think you're too good for us. I want you to know, there's like 38 other planetariums that were like, you can call it football, right there what, no, we're not a board on either boat. There was an ACC town that said, we'll need to run this by the board for approval. And then decided, no, there's no fucking way we're getting front of the board. Do you know who said we can go any time, but they're only half this size so we didn't pull the trigger out of this time?

J.M. Ugo, Dukes. Yeah, absolutely. but what planetarium heard this and within seconds was like it's go time that's right portland is this bothering anyone else is this upsetting anyone else um what earth being the wrong shapes put the shit back where it was go on get what are we here to discuss spencer well we're here to first of all observe the beauty of the cosmos and the universe unfolding above us okay but what you're happy to have your ears and your mind trained on is that if we have a live show then we're here to do a set of disasters that's correct this is a disasters episode that we will be doing tonight

and in this case we have asked you for your workplace disasters we're going to offer our own first okay Ryan would you like to go and discuss your workplace so my workplace disaster has nothing to do with me and but it does have to do it sounds like you're going to talk about Spencer or something so I called Spencer as former bosses and no my workplace disaster has to do with Bo Jackson who was drafted first overall by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers when he was first eligible to be an NFL player Bo Jackson hated the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because when he was a player at Auburn, they said, oh, we want you to come do a physical.

So just get on our plane. It's fine. We asked the NCAA. They said it's cool. They had not asked the NCAA, and the NCAA did not think it was cool. And because Bo Jackson did this, his eligibility to be a baseball player at Auburn was revoked. and Bo was fucking pissed. So the Bucks still, knowing that he hated them, took him first overall.

Do you know what Bo Jackson did instead? He went and played baseball and waited a year and got drafted by the Raiders. And if wasting the first overall pick isn't an extreme workplace disaster, I don't know what is. That GM, Spencer Hall. Thank you. And Auburn and the NCAA have got along just fine ever since. Famously. What's your workplace disaster, Jason?

So I think I have mentioned this one on the full cast before, but I'm told it was six years ago, which might as well be 165 million years ago. I long ago worked at a grocery store, that's southeastern regional grocery store by the name of Publix. And there was sort of this thing where it's like, the young people, they get kind of bored doing the normal job thing. So we give them weird stuff to do. we need Christmas decorations hung on the top of this building

that was roughly the same height as this planetarium so we need to break out the 20-foot ladder and we need to do it during business hours and we need to have some idiot up there risking life and limb for 8, 50 an hour or whatever it was. So I am a coworker who I was like kind of dating at the time so I'm like, okay, I got to be really cool about this.

Is there anything more early 20s than kind of? of dating. Exactly. So yeah, it kind of turned into a W.W.E. match where it's like, yeah, the ladder needs to be moved, but, you know, not carefully. Coolness matters more than care. And eventually it ended up I'm like under the ladder walking it. Again, this is during business hours. And then, you know, it starts to get a little top heavy and it starts to tip back. And honestly, it probably looked like the Eiffel Tower collapsing. And next thing you know, I'd basically suplexed a 20-foot ladder down the dead center of an aisle. Luckily, it didn't crush anyone.

Luckily, it didn't, like, smash 100 wine bottles. Luckily, I was fine. I mean, I was like 19, so what? Can't die. Impervious to injury. Fuck it. I'll do it again. Did it look cool?

Did you get it on film? I'll do it again. And that's why I'll see that ladder at SummerSlam. Back on, King. So they say walking under a ladder's bad luck. Well, evidently it's not, because that was fine. And yeah, honestly, the disaster might be that I didn't learn a fucking thing, right? I didn't learn a damn thing from this experience.

I probably did something even dumber later that day. There's something at the top of the planetarian we need you to get, Jason. Yeah, I'm on it, brother. It's the moon. Oh, shit. It's the moonie in the bank briefcase. The world is. waiting literally on your story holly when do you think we will have our first

wrestlemania on the moon 2038 let's accept as a group that it will happen one day yeah but we're not paying for it the chinese will pay for it and they'll have to say a bunch of nice stuff about china right they'll have to be like yeah the moon wrestling on it's awesome you know what else is awesome she Jinping thought she Jinping thought rules it's the best brother man undertaker kicked ass on the moon somebody somebody somebody in the crowd's had WrestleMania, that's right. That's good, yeah.

Triple H, you heard it here first. Those continents are still the wrong fucking shape. We don't want to be in the same continent as England. It's supposed to be flat. Well, no, no. Not now. Holly, what is your workplace disaster? My workplace disaster was working for you.

No, that's not it. It's not a one-liner. Folks, thank you for coming up to the interstellar roast of Spencer Hall. I don't know. Man, you're going to be real, real old if you remember this, but Spencer and I used to do bets during Florida, Tennessee week until it became apparent that this was going badly for me. And we kind of quit doing them.

But I was like 26 when this happened, which is important to remember. Like, I was not quite, not a little bit too old to do something this dumb, but not quite. Like, it wasn't outright, outlandish. But it resulted in the meanest thing that's, ever been said to me, and it wasn't by a woman. It was a dude, which blows my mind of this day.

Spencer and I had a Florida Tennessee week, just like a week three bet, and the loser was gonna have to paint up in student section colors for the opposite team for the next game. And it may shock you to learn that Tennessee lost this football contest, just being in the early aughts. And I'm, you know, I'm good for a bet, So I painted, I painted up, you know, sports bra,

paint it blue and orange. I alternated colors of the letters, and I put little, I did the little dots on the end, like I had a font. And it said property of Mr. Tebow, just like across like my whole, just across like, like he know what to do with him. This is like, this was,

Hey, pray on him. See, I know I was safe. Father God, I'm just bouncing my eyes. away right now. If you remember this back me up, this was tamer than a Sears catalog. I cannot possibly over-emphasize this. Somebody read this. Found my mother's email address at her government job. Somebody from Knoxville emailed my mother to say that her daughter was selling herself on the pornographic website. Every day should be Saturday. Don't clap. It's not over. This is the last line of that email, which is the meanest thing I've ever heard,

and it was said about me. This is the sign-off. I am sorry for you and for her father if she has one. Like, I can't say without ghost bumps. That's how my parents found out I was blogging. And you also didn't learn anything. This was another instance where... This was many years before Spencer became my parents' favorite child.

This is an instance of blowing money fast. This involves a friend of the program, John Boyce, who you may know from the internet. So sometimes John and I would write things together on Friday because on Friday, you know, like, what the fuck do you put up on the internet? You're just like, I don't know, you put up Batman or you write some crap. And we were going to write about a video game we hated because we both hated this video game, watchdogs. I don't know if you ever played this video game. There you go. Thank you for groaning.

If you like this game, fuck you. So we're playing watchdogs, and John and I are talking as we do. And I was like, hey, John, I think this video game sucks ass. And he's like, yo, this video game totally sucks ass. We should write about how much it sucks. So we wrote a full, like, far too many words. Like, there are Wikipedia entries about world leaders. You? No way.

There are Wikipedia entries that are. Spencer's three editors just nod. Suddenly around the table. I think we wrote 4,800 words about how much this game sucks. You did. We were like, the protagonist was a huge nerd. So that's a college football weekend recap, though. Yeah.

For comparison. Yeah. Like, we were like, this dude's a total loser, and all the mechanics in this game suck. And it's like playing inside Walmart's retail simulator in terms of character. It was just, it was long, and it was very mean, but I'm not going to take back a word of it because it was all very accurate. That game is ass.

And you don't even get to watch any dogs. Not one. Not one. It says watch and dogs, and it involves neither one. Instead, you're just trying to rent there, bud. Yeah. you're just trying to exact your revenge on Chicago Society through your cell phone

like a nerd anyway what you're describing his Twitter yeah it's like I can play this a lot cheaper and easier and it's way more fun anyway so we publish this on a Friday we get a violent email at the end of Friday PM is like what the fuck are you guys doing

from sales because there was a huge deal with the parent company that produced this Activision and Activision had read it and it went viral really fast And this was back when people thought Twitter was real life. So you would publish it. And then Activision was like, oh, God. Oh, God.

People hate this game. This is awful. It has 15 retweens. It has 15, yeah. Over 800 people have seen them. It has more views than the rock. They publish it to news site, Twitter.com. Yeah.

More views than the rock breaking the news of bin Laden's murder. This does get diary, if you remember how rarely they actually figured out how to sell something for something we were doing. Yeah. We blew a $500,000 ad buy. across multiple networks blew a half million bullet because we thought the game sucked and needed our little post stand on business yeah yeah and in retrospect i was required salary yeah in retrospect i would take back nothing fuck that game fuck them fuck their 500 000 dollars so totally

worth it that was either the first or the second time john did that yeah no just done that twice there was also a there was a takedown of i forget which light beer company that john did he did there's a they did that he hated. I don't know if anyone remembers this, but it was his whole post about how stupid this commercial was, and it turned out that they had a related ad campaign on our website network, and fuck them. Their beer did suck, damn it. You know, I think, like, those were four really good stories, but I think we could use another one. I think we'd use some perspective from Brian Floyd. Brian Floyd, what was your workplace disaster? Are you going to hand him the mic or you just...

Yeah. Oh, hey. Hey, Floyd. Oh, hey. Thank you. Folks, I know y'all are sick of hearing Floyd's voice every single week, but... That's why we didn't give him his own mic. So similar to Spencer, when you leave us in charge with things, especially at night, we have problems.

Me and Bill Handstock were up one night on Pacific time. Bill Hanstock was going on vacation the next day. And I was closing the website, and then I had two days off. The Chicago Bulls had played, and they won a last second game. And there was a picture that showed up of about a half dozen exceedingly exciting, excited white guys, all celebrating. How wide were they, Chuck? Well, let me tell you, buddy. So Bill broke this down frame by frame like you would on the Internet.

And we decided, all right, we'll get it set up, fire it up in the morning, publish it, schedule it, go on about our business. I'm here's six dudes who make J.D. Vance look effing. Jesus. Am I wrong? Also, they were all sitting. So we all go to bed. Bill goes on vacation. I get up the next morning.

It's like 8 a.m. on the West Coast. This is published about 5 a.m. And by then, we had syndication deals all over the place. One was with Yahoo. And we had just let it rip. You can usually mark it to not. And I was like, whatever. And by then it was on Yahoo.

There was a number of live visitors that I had not seen in a very long time. And we had a problem. And this was before it even, it moved on to different right-wing websites to the point where VPs and CEOs of our company were getting called into meetings, asked about a post about why we made fun of these white people. The worst crime possible. I'm telling you, man, one of these dudes is a way he looked like Gallum. one of our product team members made a gift of a hand shooting off one like a rocket and rocketing off into space that still exists somewhere it was beautiful the number of comments

was into the thousands like it broke the commenting system Saturday afternoon and it was like it was a spectacle where like yeah I'm off work but this is back when the comment system was good and it actually took something but Yahoo days were always treacherous like something was going to go sideways, but this one just went in one direction. Right. But we're here to talk about disasters from all, not just internet people who don't have real jobs. That is correct. So join us. I'm going to kick up the festivities. Brian said y'all didn't have real job. Did you hear that? Yeah. We don't. I want to start this from from Elliott because it is relevant. This is a college football podcast, if you don't know,

which is why you're in a planetarium. Oh, the lights went out before I could see who's been dragged here on a date. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we haven't done this in a while. Who here has never been to a full cast live show? Just go, who? Who here

has never listened to the shutdown forecast? Wow. Hi, girls. Wow. Welcome to hell. Well, you're going to learn some things about space. Listen, I think most things in life are shades of gray, but I think this is a binary. Either you are in a very great mutual partnership, or you need to get out.

And tonight we'll find out. We're going to help you reach that fork in the road and make a very important decision about your future. But I'm going to first consult listener Elliot. listener Elliot who is going to take us through his workplace disaster it's succinct but I think it gets us off to a good start one of my former co-workers hid under our boss's car to serve them a summons just imagine by the way just somebody like either it was really fast like gotcha bitch right like you can't get out that I don't think there's any getting out from

under a car fast unless you're Jackie Chan, right? Well, I'm about to cast some serious doubt on my fast surprise theory with this sentence, which is the only other one in this story, which is they are all Arkansas fans. So I imagine it was, hold on, I'm stuck. Nah, that means there's- Just out of the car, boss. Don't go anywhere. I got a summons for you. That means there was a lot of pig grease. I'll just squirt right out of there. I think this is a case of cultural differences. Ever, in every other state in these United States, If you serve someone with a summons, that's like, hey, we have a problem.

This is friction we're starting. In Arkansas, just like, I didn't forget about you. Also, there's a really good chance his vehicle is a jacked-up truck. Yeah, sure. Is this Arkansas Tazard Tahoe? Yeah, it might be. Is this the Arkansas Aloha? Is this showing up with paper?

Instead of a Christmas card in Arkansas, you get a summons. Yeah. Here's a bag of chicken tenders and a summons. There you go. I'll see you in the deposition. Yeah. I'd like to read one from Paul. Worked in a food shack at Six Flags.

Developed an allergy to bees. Why? After being stung 18 times in less than two months because the park wouldn't remove a beehive from the soda syrup holder. Dan Snyder, business genius. the homemade bee removal potion what a phrase Shakespeare could never

It's just nacho cheese The homemade bee removal potion of lime away and bleach My boss made Did not help But it did send us to the ER Many of you struggle with your submissions and write to us

asking how you can get in a show six flags in the subject line goes a long way yeah do you think there's anybody who's like I worked 20 years of six flags and they were all great I was well taken care of yeah this is the one yeah this is the one who ends up in a story with the caption it's always the quiet one oh yeah yeah it really helps that I'm hearing the vanga boys the whole time during Dan Snyder got rid of that dude, too. Well, he wasn't old. He was just stung by bees. I have everything I need in order to succeed.

Yes, I agree strongly. All right, let's settle this down and do some serious talk about the military. This is from Bo. Bo are you here? No. Some of y'all are here. We like to recognize you. Bo says, I was in the Army.

They sent us to West Point to teach the cadets. how to use artillery. The West Point Artillery guy was also the lacrosse team sponsor. Why does it, why does this matter? Oh, because one afternoon, he made us let the civilian family members of the lacrosse team crew, the gun. Bo goes on. What was supposed to be a small pop came out as a big boom, and the howitzer went all the way

back on its carriage. We were hoping no one would notice. when a fisherman called saying that a tree near him on the lake nine kilometers away had exploded the target area

was 2.5 kilometers away coincidence there's more tried to brush it off the next day the fisherman shows up with a fragment from 105 millimeter howitzer shell he dug out of the tree

that could be any shell that's crazy coda number one we did the math if someone were to say shoot an entire canister of powder seven bags instead of the two bags that were supposed to be in the gun that lake was exactly how far the shell would have gone at that gun elevation code number two my commander said if i go down for this you do too and the lacrosse coach covered it up for us

and that's why you let your kids play lacrosse because you're going to go away with some shit it's a cultural thing um by the way like in that one i might my favorite part of that is that that's five miles over five miles away because you hear it because i'm american and i hear kilometers i'm like that means nothing yes no only put it two and a half times like further than the shell should have gone additionally i know that the dod would have tried this they would have gone tree just did that trees just do that sometimes tree had to come down anyway yeah it was rotten uh this one comes to us from adam a company i worked for hired a new cTO my coworkers and I googled his name

and the first hit was a news article titled So Much Porn Evidently he got fired from his last job because he had downloaded enough porn on his work computer that he filled the hard drive and the computer would no longer turn on He gumbed up the works

Can I pull back with another another computer story right here from Vandy Import. While working IT at National Geographic had to investigate a user's malfunctioning desktop computer, turned out it wasn't working because a hostile coworker had literally pissed in it. He follows up.

The pisser was a Penn State guy incidentally. I don't think that's incidental at all. No. I think that's explanatory. I like that some IT guy opened up that laptop. and was like, I figured out what's wrong with this. There's simply too much ass in this laptop. I have a theory about so much porn guy.

I think he was doing some serious crimes, and he was like, fuck, I did these on the work computer. What I can't, like, I'm not confident I can erase them. What can I do to throw people off the scent? I know a shutdown level of pornography. What is the biggest porn? We'll bring the system down with multi-gig porn. Quick, I need 500 hours of porn.

Any porn. Bigger asses. More pixels. Enhens. More pixels on ass. Enhance. Maximum quality files. Have you ever downloaded so much porn you crippled infrastructure?

Do you think that's what happened with Crowdstrike the other night? Yeah, why do you think Ed Baskin went to France? It was an update we pushed. Definitely an update. Let's go on talking about the ass crippled laptop. First of all, this is definitely a desktop computer. Let's, let's be real. Who's still doing that in the year 2024?

Desktop computers? No, no, not desktop, but who in the year 2020? Downloading work porn? Yeah, no, just like, yeah, because you know, you can stream it all. This guy was like, no, I'm going to take something with me. And like, you have a phone. Yeah, you have a phone. This guy's like, no, this is a good one.

I'm going to down. I'm going to, I'm going to say, this one. I'm going to make a special folder. In case they delete it. That's right. Analog, right, right, like individually own media. Yeah, physical media. Yeah, I was going to say, like, you know, streaming services,

pull things all the time, you never know. And you want, there's some guy who's going to seriously give you, you're going to go to his house, it'll be like, listen, Cherokee's retired. And streaming porn could go away at any time. But I have Asatack Volume 1 through 9. I love that you're describing Eminem.

I am. He was ahead of the curve. Or Deky Matsui, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. A preservationist. Yeah. It's for future generations to understand what asses were like in our time. Anyway. This posits a before time in which it was just jiggly polygons.

I would like to cover another one that's brief, but I think is related to the story we just told. This is from Will. Co-worker showed up naked to Zoom sexual harassment training. Thank you, Will. Naked guys for Kamala Harris. There's simultaneously so much and so little to unpack with this one. It's already unpacked. Well, okay.

We've all been managers. Let's put yourself in the brain of this nude man. Right, because training is clearly needed on one hand. So you're working from home. Respect. You look at your phone. Sexual harassment training in two minutes. You're fully nude.

Many choices lay before you. One of those choices is skip the training. That's going to be a problem. know that you've been told you need to show up to these trainings a lot of you are nodding Debbie Debbie and HR has asked you to pay better attention and turn your camera on so everybody can know that you're fully engaging oh we're engaging so you decide you're gonna listen to Debbie mm-hmm and show fully new the other thing is that you get to choose like how much the camera

can show you know yeah you're not stepping into a studio where you're like am I going to camera through is my dick in camera three yeah so I'm just assuming this is Jeff Tubin by the way there's nothing in this to indicate that it is but there's nothing in this to indicate that it isn't like I want to be clear you shouldn't show up nude to any meeting there are stuff what is the meeting you should show up nude The naked people? The naked people's meeting. You're asking a question.

Yeah, nudist for Kamala. Sure. Sure. To be fair, you should show up with the nudist for J.D. Vance one too, but, you know, that's a real different part. That's just a room to go. Yeah. It's right there in the title.

Also, I prefer, I like this about this too, that like maybe there is an outside shot that in lining this up, the guy's like, oh, who fuck? Oh, no. And he started randomly clicking button. and that's when like the make your head an animal head thing popped up. Yeah, sure. So there's this dude with his dong hanging out who's panicking badly in front of his co-workers and he's got like a cow head that's going like,

and when he raises his eyebrows, it goes like, you know, looks really surprised. That's what I want. I want the panicking nude pervert who's cycling through the crab face, the T-Rx face, right? If I'm the HR manager, I'm like, okay, so this is our example of what not to do.

now. What's that line you love? This was not our finest hour, nor was it a teachable moment? No, it's not, yeah. Thank you, Solomon. Yeah, not our finest hour, not a teachable moment. That's one thing that, like, the HR guy could give up on. I think we need more of that society.

We need more moments where you go, yeah, we're writing this whole thing off. This whole shit, this whole meeting. No, there's nothing teachable here. Oh, I got another nothing teachable here, one liner from Greg. This is three words. It might be the shortest one we've ever had. But I think it packs a punch. Gravitron group sex injuries.

Now that's what you Google when you're trying to fill your work computer. Yeah, because there's a lot of that. High storage pornography. This is how you know you worked in investigations, Ryan, that you see a laptop full of nine zillion gigs of porn and you're like, what's the real story here? Yeah, I've watched Colombo. So you're trying to see this episode of Colombo is 20 minutes of him jamming a laptop full of porn. Peter's lock, yes. Oh, one more thing.

Yeah. One more thing. One more thing. What's underneath all that porn? Gravitron group sex injuries. Do you think they didn't know that the panel's moved? Does everybody know what a Gravitron is? Okay.

Well, explain it for the listener. The listener, sure. But children, there used to be things about con. We are amongst men and women of science. We cannot expect the simple listener at home. Children at Gravitron is a carnival ride that is round and looks like a spaceship. And you go in and you line up against the walls. You make a circle against the walls with your backs to the wall.

And the Gravitron spins round and spins faster and faster and pens you to the wall. And then you're kind of leaning back against like a padded backboard, like a gymnastics mat. And they slide up and off the floor because gravity is pulling them sideways it up. Is that centrifugal or centripetal? Which one? Just yell it out. Nobody knows.

Yes. Wow. That's good. I like that. I knew, but I didn't want to make you know I wish more science. I wish more Jeopardy answers were like that.

What is no one knows? Okay. How would one have group sex in a gravitron? Well, I imagine it's going pretty well. It's got to be mostly hand stuff, right? Well, no, because. Because if you... Not if I'm involved, brother.

I would imagine you all just stand in a line and let gravity do the work. Yeah. You can do a lot of in, but not a lot of out. It's physics. Okay. So we're not describing NASA soaking, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's why I downloaded that clip of Gravitron. sex under my laptop and made sure it was the largest file I could find what now I don't want to know about the injuries never mind I'm going to take I'm going to retract do they not know that the panel slide where oh what if they came back down and like shit got pinched yeah I mean even your feet would hurt well here's the thing I'm assuming you're barefoot in the gravitron but having I guess I guess if you're having it would be weird to have room sex with your shoes on I like that in this story of complete negligence, we're like, they'd have sensible footwear.

I accepted the group sex without question. And then what I thought of their barefoot, I was off before we get our don't know. I don't want to get turf to. Is this a situation where you think, and let's be honest, these are teens. Yeah. Do you think?

I don't know. All right, these are teens or 50-year-olds who live in Florida. Arizona also eligible. Yeah, yeah. The Florida of the West. This might be like an Arizona State Practicum. Do you think this is a, do you plan to have Gravitron group sex?

Or is it like, hey, you know while we're here? I'm getting a little riled up right. Me too. If it's one on one, I think it's easy to say this. But like, how often is group sex spontaneous at a carnival? Probably more often than you think. Or as I say, the more plausible that starts.

Yeah, right? Tammy's all gone off the cotton candy and funnel cakes. I got a strike now. Wait, maybe this was employees. Oh, sure. Maybe this is employees. The siren song of the Gravitron, calling to your loins. I'm Johnny Doxville.

By the way, super loud music plays, and it's always something like Crazy Towns Butterfly. So if you wanted more ambiance for whatever the scene was supposed to be. Yeah, that's it. You can have a happy memory to Butterfly about. how you got a sprain gooch sleeping with a couple of carnies. That sounds awesome. You have such a beautiful way with words. I'm a writer.

I believe people can transcend the station to which they are born. I think if you are conceived in a gravitron, that's a real steep climb. That's how you get superpowers. I've named him Shazam after the position he was conceived in. Shazam Crazy Town Johnson. That's his name. Spencers recruited him to North Texas. See this like the fourth line of this song.

There's nothing that they won't try. Yeah. R.I.P. This is from Rob. I started a new job and set up my outgoing voicemail on my phone. It took me several tries to get it right. And each attempt made me more frustrated and ended with a string of curses. I thought.

you can tell where this story turns I thought that I'd hit the button to start a new attempt each time but instead I was simply pausing and unpausing one very long profane recording it was my

voicemail for four months before anyone told me statistically the odds that the person who told rob is listening is at the show we're listening to this show are very low but if you are fuck you i hope rob is a clergy member thank you for calling st roaredons fuck that's not the name fuck Fuck. There we go.

I kind of, I would have kept it. That's the thing. Once this is your brand for four months. Yeah. You're just like, yeah. Like everybody knows it is clearly not impacting your workability. They might as well know the real you. It kind of depends what business you're in.

Like, Spencer's right. If you're a clergyman. Or is it an internal office voice, or is it like a forward? Is it like an outward facing? Like, are you getting external sales calls? Yeah. In which case, again, congratulations.

It's a power move. If you still left a message through all of that, you needed whatever was all the other guy. Or you were like me and you're like, nothing works. It's all fucked. You might as well leave a message. It's fine. Hi, we're calling about your test results?

I mean, your fucking test results? We're calling about the Gravitron incident wrong. See, he was distracted from downloading all that porn. He was just like, yeah. Canonically, these are all one person going through life. Pastor man. Let's follow up Pastor Rob with Robbie, whose first job was at a grocery store.

Same. I see that hand. Had to clean the women's restroom. There was a trail of explosive diarrhea from toilet to ceiling. From the toilet to the ceiling. Oh, that shit. I'm all over the towel. Wait till that poop falls.

Oh, shit, shit, motherfucker. Yeah, as someone who has cleaned both restrooms in a grocery store, yeah, the hardcore shit is in the ladies. I think it's like steady level of filth advantage, dudes. Horrendous the thing level of special effect. or like you walk in and go wow this is Rick Baker's best work yeah yeah yeah and I've heard this confirmed from others in other lines of work including the United States military that like if you

want to see like that's gross you clean the men's restroom if you want to risk either oh it was already clean or I'm I've seen that terrible battle was fought here I've seen things I'm not going back it's always nice event horizon you clean the women's restroom yeah it's always nice when you get a reminder that humans are many things. One of them is nature's grossest super-soaker. Just a bag of liquid. Well, like, the most common way this happens, if you have

children, at some point, they will poop in a way that is physically confusing. You'll be like, you pooped across the room. You pooped on the wall that you're not near. I think the thing is, we're the only animals who are, we have designed structures that are not supposed to have poop.

Every other animal just knows, like, there's the ground. That's where you shit. We're the ones who said, here's the ground where we don't shit. And then we shit it. And then we further subdivide it. That's true. Yeah. Into slightly gross and a film by Eli Roth.

That's like, yeah. I bet there are animals who come upon other animal droppings. They're like, well, you nasty. Like, I think animals have that sense of like. Not dogs. No, not dogs. No. Oh, interesting.

A new book. Maybe there's treasure. Tell me your stories. It's speaking to me. We should have dogs clean restrooms. Oh, my God. No, you don't want that. No, you do not want that.

I have the thing you just don't want to touch the dogs after they clean it. You've never smelled anything like what comes up after that. Oh, boy. Then we have a separate room where the dogs go after cleaning the restrooms. Was that the end? entire thing was was straight to the ceiling and that's the entire yeah it was on the ceiling brother okay yeah you know like our famous catchphrase there were some great one-liners in this batch so where do you think the trails started and ended it says from yeah do the

hannah because i'm having trouble walking through i'm like in my cSI mine palace no no no we need to do this sexy like will graham oh boy okay draw clock right wait wait wait spencer completely unrelated draw clock no like do you think we started asshole towards ceiling or we somehow ended up there i well it might have been an urgency thing you know the the the pants are going down yeah we might mean a bending over uh-huh to to descend the pants uh-huh at which point the ass might have been skyward sure so in hannibal speak this is i lean down at a 20 degree angle relative to the ground this is my design okay okay but that makes more sense than the other one my supple undercarriage breakfast the other version where you start low and go high is like I forgot I was

still going and I tied my shoes it could have been that the propulsive blast created such a concussive force sure I was thrown I was thrown clear of the wreckage I was lifted from the toilet seat and found myself prone with my asshole as a Roman candle look at the animation above us by the way relevant relevant me and

Michelangelo guys who paint ceilings that was Michelangelo right and this lady thank you two great artists I'm just going to blame sugar-free something gummy bears mentos this seems like they're kind of work is it possible this was a top I've been thinking about the physics this whole time

Is it possible this was a toddler who was not, who had to be extricated from some kind of complicated carrier situation, thus, like, hoisted? So the kid was, and so it started up and went down. The kid was a loaded weapon who was being aimed. Like if you had to lift, if you had to lift like a large-ish infant out of one of the chest. Or, or I'll tell you what it is. Like a can of spray cheese, you knock the nozzle off. It's that kid, but the, the, the wielder of the kid was not prepared. for the recoil.

So when the weapon discharged that it kicked, right? If you've ever, folks, we're in Oregon. I know you've shot a lot of guns. When you shoot a big firearm, it's going to raise up. If you're not prepared for that caliber, your kid's going to shit the fucking ceiling.

That's why you need range time. Thanks, coach. I'll say one good thing about shitting from the floor to the ceiling. Sure. A sentence I definitely thought I would say. You make no pretense of, well, I'll clean this up before I

leaving the fuck out of there you're like no not only do i not shop at this croaker anymore i don't shop at any of them i'm moving yeah and some kid who makes 775 will clean this ceiling yeah you should just quit that's another thing and a lot of these situations i think it's better to just quit had a co-worker once who did that when he was told he couldn't go to a white zombie concert sure um which is natural why why did the founders even do all their work if we couldn't right so he had a bus tub full of dishes and shit that he was going to take back and he goes oh you're going to tell me i can't go to the white zombie concert okay threw it right in the trash compactor bus tub dishes and a hall and was like white zombie and like walked out yeah and ben franklin in heaven is rocking out to drag you love ben frank yeah you know

you know who would have love that um rob rob yeah rob yeah i have one that i want to share um that's definitely not going to take us out of the bags of liquid discussion of humans again look at visuals that we've got the majesty of space just look at the majesty of space and all that gas when you think about Marshall's story here we're watching the earth with

pubic hair no no hang on I'm not entirely sure we got to tell Marshall's story okay so a center fusion in my infectious disease research lab underwent catastrophic failure I love the passive

verb here Yep. Legally, that's the smart move. It suddenly started pissing a fine mist of live tuberculosis all over the room while sounding like Ed Ogeron falling down a hill covered in kitchen appliances. If anyone wants to just make a shot at that noise, you know, go ahead. Oh, that's a bubbly tuberculosis. Oh, shit, get that too.

That's a good TB. That's a spicy TV. You want that TB down in the lung, right here. Touchbound. That's it. Yeah. You want to make a good defense for the tuberculosis. That's it.

So where were we pissing TB? Okay. He lost two. He concludes this story with grad school was great. what do you do by the way if you're just like covered in that like you've got to just resign yourself to a romantic doom somewhere out the desert right you go to a sanitarium you get all sexy because TB makes you sexy remember historically like that was the thing yeah sure i've seen tombstone i know how it works yeah the man walks in all flush with color

and people in the 19th century are in such shit condition that someone walks in with pink cheeks and they're like they must be healthy look at them i will say i do I understand. I'm happy that we live in the medical science of 2024. It's a lot better. I am a little jealous that there was a time when you could get sick. And your doctor was like, I know, move to the beach. I prescribe vacation.

In Europe, they were like, ski town. Go to a ski town. What do you do? Sit with a blanket in a chair. Consider the demise of your late imperial civilization. Eat a groundcracker and stop downloading pornography. on your computer. Should I stop drinking?

Not brandy. Brandy's good for you. Drink a lot of it. You think the doctors were in on it? You think the doctors were like, hey, Atlantic City, you kick me $50 and I'll start telling people to cure their, what ails them.

100%. Wouldn't you do that? Look at where sanitariums are. They're like, resort town in New Mexico far away from tax enforcement, right? Switzerland. They sent people to Switzerland in really nice towns.

They're like, absolutely necessary. I realize what we're describing is, Instagram influencers before Instagram existed. They even took selfies. They had like tubercular selfies. You know what cured my Crohn's disease? Key West. Sorry, my healing journey.

Demographically, a lot of those people they want to bring back tuberculosis. Yeah, that's fair. My healing journey included having an affair with a ski instructor in Stod. His name was Todd. I'm dying. But I've never been more alive. Your brother's name is Todd.

My brother's name is Todd. He's not a ski instructor, though. Anyway, this is from Nina. Nina, are you present? I am. All right. Yeah. Nina, I'm not going to make you get on the mic,

but you sent in the following short message. I worked for what turned out to be an actual Ponzi scheme. Nina, I'm going to ask you some short questions. To the extent you were legally able, I'd like you to answer them. When did you learn this was a Ponzi scheme? After I got a big job. Okay.

So one interpretation is that you got out before shit hit the fans. While working this job, did you ever think, hmm, this might be a Ponzi scheme? Yes. On a scale of one to Madoff, how Ponzi scheme was this job? If you were to Google Oregon Ponzi scheme. Whoa! You're telling me this has SEO value? The biggest Ponzi scheme, Oregon has the biggest pond?

Okay, first of all, that's a challenge to every innovator. I mean, Nike's here. Come on. That's amazing. Oregon history. Okay, so Holly's checking it out. You're telling me it's a bigger fraud than the Willie Taggart era. Wow.

Nina, I mean, looking back, do you think you could have stopped the Ponzi scheme? 74 million dollars yeah you know what you know what oh wait there's one that's bigger than 74 million dollars million million

okay this guy oh okay oh wow how you all got like try second biggest Ponzi scheme second in Oregon history a few hundred million Oh, so more than this.

Okay. I know. I was a low-level account. Oh, okay. That's what David said. So how much did you get? Nina, I can't get further into this without reading actual names aloud, which I assume. What's the name of the company?

That's here. Okay. Okay. Oh, the first Google result is a Justice Department result. So, this is nearly $300 million from defrauded investors. Oh. Nina. One of these people has the same name as the Lady Val's Women's Basketball announcer, and I'm going to use this information. Nina, have you ever had to talk about the Ponzi scheme company in an interviewer on your resume? The official Justice Department release includes the phrase elaborate web of lies. Wow. In a way, I find that flattering.

Because if the Justice Department put out a press release, that was like, jump-ass, easy, boring scheme. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, man. Stupid criminals make stupid plan. The simplest shit we've ever uncovered. The very last line. The very last line,

Assistant U.S. attorney Hannah Horsley assisted the trial team. Okay, okay. Horse girl. She saw a crime and said nay. Have you ever had... You tell me to hoof it? Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't push it.

This is what happens to you. You get one and you're like, Oh, fuck, I can shoot three-pointers now. And it's like, God damn, man. Nina, have you ever had to explain this in a job interview? Not in a job interview, but after, so the next job I got is the job I'm currently at. Okay. And people, when he came out like six months later or whenever they went to investigation, people came out and they were like, what?

Oh, okay. Okay, Nina, I promise this won't be used in court against you. I can't promise that. Using the scale of extremely confident, confident, somewhat confident, not confident, and extremely not confident. Do you think your current job is a Ponzi scape? Okay. Okay. So almost positively.

Okay. Thank you, Nina, for getting out of life. Yeah! when they were trying to spend all this money that should have gone to investments and so they were spending it on the stupid stuff. Uh-huh. One of the things they spent it on was two six-foot statues that they had commissioned of the Oregon and Oregon State football. Yes. Yes.

The company was when bankrupted and was under investigation before the statute was over. Oh. But that means that they had to sell them, right? Somebody got those at auction. Meaning that there was some like your uncle, right, like your 68-year-old uncle who's like, I just go to auctions on Saturday. Like he showed up and he's like, hey, look, they got a giant beaver. I think I'd buy that.

The boys would think it's funny. What a bummer for Oregon State that they're like, fuck, somebody ran a huge Ponzi's game and all we got was almost the statue. I mean, somebody got that statue, brother. Oregon State didn't? No, no, no. But somebody's uncle was like, yeah, I put a beer can over. I put a beer opener in the paw.

really cool and then they walk in and I go how are you like my beaver I'm going to be a great 68 year old man already am that's next week yeah yeah I got another month's long investigation this is from Greg the internet is attacking us what the shit all the information in the world and also crippling amounts of points of Sorry, go ahead, Holly. I distracted by the robot butthole. All right. Who among you?

Greg, work surveillance cameras for a sportsbook slash racetrack. Again, if you want us to read your email, this is a compelling start. Our primary vault room had a blind spot that was about a third of the room. That's more than a blind spot. Oh, there's just this one slimmer of vault we can't quite see.

It's a Cerberus with an eyepatch. Yeah. It depends on where you're standing. Tess, I'm just here to say goodbye. After warning the state and our bosses about it for a month, everyone in surveillance stopped caring. Five months later, I came in on a Saturday at 5 a.m. After being told by our boss, someone stole $75,000 from the vault, and it's your job

to find it. Nina, where were you that day? Co-worker and I worked for 40 hours straight, breaking several laws. Greg, I know we said to keep this short, but I would have appreciated a little bit of elaboration here. State police used what my coworker and I put together

to get the guy to confess. The state comes in and demands that cameras be put all over the vault rooms going forward, including under tables. You might feel like this story is meandering. A year and a hundred thousand dollars later we had to put up a sign in the vault room that said do not wear skirts inside vault as the person who installed the cameras was caught selling upskirt video footage from

our surveillance feed yeah by we're reading that one we're like i can't read that one i can't read that one i can't read that one thank you for making me upskirt correspondent yeah You're welcome. This person was then hired as Porn CTO. Rachel, you're here tonight. There you are. How do I say the name of this county? Maltnomah, just how it's spelled.

Thank you. Hold on, hold on. What did you want to say? Maltnama? What do you mean? Oh, I didn't have any preconceived. Oh, okay. I say the word.

Can you give me your most? I'm neither disappointed or heartened. I'm from Tennessee. I just sort of called it Maree County. I think if I'd encountered this county where we were from, I would assume, Moultonoma. Okay.

When I was working for the Malt Noma County Courts during a really nasty mega high profile murder trial, how high profile? He was the guy who made crime stabbed and murder people on the train. Oh, that one. Okay, all right.

that sucks I just want to say we don't like that we'll come out against that yeah yeah applaud us no we are we'll take a brave stand

others won't say it it's a bad time makes us first responders that's right where's our bumper sticker it's the back to do one I can park in the special spots at Lowe's because of this now

that's right thank you I'm basically a veteran Thank you for your service. The fire alarm went off, and everyone had to evacuate the building. The cause? One of my co-workers had put a banana in the microwave for five minutes. Again, this speaks to me of covering up some other unrelated.

Yes. Thank you. It caused a fire. What? And she refused to tell the, shout out to she, huh? Yeah. Let's go, girls. Won't she do it?

And she refused to tell the sheriff's, firefighters, and trial court administrator why she was microwaving a banana. Mind your fucking business. God forbid a woman have hobbies. You go get a warrant if you want me to explain myself. I want banana immunity. I know why she did it. Why is that, Spencer?

Well, she ate a bunch of sugar-free gumming. bears. And after leaving a march, she did not want to leave on the ceiling in a manner that she could never admit to on pain of death. She looked in the break room and said, where is my salvation?

For I only have a snack banana to save me. And then she realized it's not just a microwave. It's a banana obliterator 5,000. I cast hot banana. That's true. The worst D&D cast member in the world in your group.

decided as the sorcerer of the microwave slash banana obliterator 5,000, she was going to cast banana. You're going to need a roll of 20 dexterity on that and she hit the 20, buddy. Thank God she did. Yeah. The evacuation made the copy for the news that night, but the reason did not, we're breaking news here tonight, folks. It was hot banana in the break room with the microwave. That scans in the podcast business song. Hot banana. Hot banana.

terrible fire and the microwave murder trial derailed by hot murder's bad and we're gonna say it because we're braving them we're brave and then the murder it's bad and i got the rest of the day off where um can i offer a short one yeah no it's your turn i'm sorry no please please come ahead of me on take your daughter to work day sorry this is from shannon's dad Shannon sent it in, but this is really Shannon's dad's story. Shannon is the daughter in this. On take your daughter to workday, I unintentionally took my daughter to the Playboy Mansion. Okay, I was skeptical, too, with the unintentionally.

It was her birthday. She was eight, and it made the Los Angeles Times. And because Ryan is a professional, he looked this up. Yes. So Shannon sent along the clip from the LA Times. Because we all saw unintentionally and went, so her father was, I believe, a photographer for the LA Times. He was sent on assignment with a writer to the Playboy Mansion.

I believe this was for Jenny McCarthy winning Playmate of the year. He had already decided it's take your daughter to work day. So he brought her along with him. And the journalist very cleverly was like, I'm going to make this story about the daughter and what the fuck she thought about all of this but yeah she's she's in the LA Times for going to take your daughter to work day

at the Playboy Mansion this is that scene from the nice guys right this is yeah yeah I am going to share yet another one this one you know these are these are long but I think we're going to get through it because this is

I would as I will say this what would the alternative be I got a couple How strenuous is this for you? I might take a deep breath and get through this. This is from Eric. And then Spencer walked out. Eric shattered a glass bottle of phenol

and chloroform soaking my shoes. We'll eat through plastic and burn skin. Due to the lab, thank you for saying that you had a bottle of chloroform and that you were in a lab. This was a recreational. The daycare was very mad. When the chloroform fell out of my trench coat pocket.

The woman was startled. Due to the lab, having pedal-controlled sinks, I had to sit on the counter with my feet in the sink while someone else had to stand on the pedal and hold it for 15 minutes. Faces were less than one foot away the whole time. Missed chance for romance, this is a meat cute. Yeah.

So how'd you two get together? The chemicals also melted the tile in the lab, which were made of asbestos, which caused the lab to be closed for two weeks. Parenthetical, my boss couldn't use his office. Less than one month later, the lab opened back up. Okay, that's a good ending. It's not. I accidentally injected myself with a deadly... Stop.

Stop. Say those words again. I accidentally injected myself with a deadly parasite which can only be treated with surely like antibiotic any fungol or something

chemotherapy how bad was it surely this pair my blood had to be sent to the CDC in Atlanta once a month for three months for them to laugh at neither incident

actually hurt me but my boss? Disagree! No, no, no. Hi, hi. If you, I'm not a doctor. If you get a disease that requires chemotherapy to treat what you injected yourself with,

you are hurt. I'm actually, you're injured. You cannot go, you can't be like, yeah, I'm good. I'll play 41 games for the Lakers. It's fine. Out here, no selling doing research for the CDC. Hey, coach, coach, player.

I'm a coach, I'm going to let this up on you. What? It's a little bit. it's a little bit of coach talk coach you got a player okay okay he's he's not a good player you hate him but you kind of need him because your depth charts up against it okay this two star has a deadly parasite sure sure and the CDC's got to look at his blood once a month or he's gonna die do you start him what do you do how do you motivate the player with the deadly parasite well coach is this is this this uh this uh this addition to his blood

stream is it turning him into the Hulk perhaps oh definitely not it's probably weakening him I mean I granted I'm recruiting his replacement but I already was so just so you know just you know what I'm doing I'm turning him hit turning him into a motivational mascot type right like look at this guy this guy's blood is evaporating from his veins and we have to we have to like dice him up into pieces and mail him to labs across the country and he's still showing up at practice. He's bad at football but he's still showing up. If he can be here

the rest of you motherfuckers better be giving it your all. Not literally your all like he is. Coach, I'm going to step in and just say this. There's something special inside all of us. For some of you it's a greatness. Until we send it to the CDC and for some of you, it's a deadly parasite

that you injected yourself with. Also, as head coach at the Colorado State University, Rams. When I say, you cut me, I bleed green. For some of us, that's literal. Coach, al.com, I was of the understanding that weakness is in the mind. What deficiencies are there in your program that explain this showing up in the corporeal forms of your players? We're hoping he turns into venom. That's really what we're hoping. I want you all to hold this story in your mind. The next day, you're like, I had a terrible day at work. I was so, like, your bad day at work, if it doesn't involve you.

you sending your blood to the CDC, you did fine. I accidentally injected myself, but it was just gatorade. That's right. With all love to every one of you who wrote in about, oh, I rear end in my boss's car in the parking lot. I know that was a bad day for you. I know that was hard. It did not involve chemotherapy to get out of it.

I know that I had a friend once who worked in a lab with some like strontium 90 or some sort of like hideous, like, radioactive shit that they used it was like a tracer or something. Anyway, some of it got loose and aerosolized. That's not the story. The story is, is that when it happened and this coworker of my friend aerosolized and loosened the hideously radioactive Strawnium 90 that went into everyone's lungs and eyeballs, right? Not turning them into venom. Nothing cool is going to happen.

Oh, never. Your superpower is cancer. It's bad. Yeah. When this coworker did it, they clip the top. I went, whoops. Like a, like a, like in this cartoonish, whoops, a doodle. I was like, how much were that stuff?

Garsh. Garsh, I need chemotherapy, Mick. Goofy, not the strontium 90. Here's one from, folks, this is a good signer, right? Anonymous. We only get a first name for this one. A co-worker snooping around the company, The intranet found an unprotected spreadsheet with the innocuous name info.

That spreadsheet turned out to contain not only everyone's salaries, but also who was going to be laid off. The spreadsheet spread like wildfire amongst non-management. By the time the first layoff arrived, HR was confused by the non-emotional response they got when they loaded everyone into the conference room and made the announcement. A few legends already had their next jobs lined up, pocketing severance and sliding right into a new paycheck. Minutes later, a manager ran from the room screaming, They've got the spreadsheet! What they think was going to happen?

It's called a spreadsheet. Like it's going to stay put? That's amazing. That's why managers are important. Remember, the first people you hire in any endeavor is a manager, right? The ones you definitely retain the longest. We actually ought to tell that as the workplace disaster story. Oh, it's funny now.

This is from John. I used to work at a locked inpatient psychiatric facility. Again, the power of a compelling lead. We're trying to help you guys write interesting letters. Patients would regularly sneak cigarettes into their rooms to smoke, constantly setting off the fire alarms. At one point, we had our counties, and this, this is where again the language of the human brain really sings we had our county's most

prominent meth user yeah that's right in my annual top 10 for april 2023 where's the big game boomer graphic do you agree yeah the one who's on the fucking oh it's subway car oh i'm tired of the ap people prioritizing blue blood meth users I was going to listen. Group of five meth users are doing good work. In an upset, I got Chad Lady Bugs Wilson at number two, okay?

They don't even pay attention. This is Subway Carl Arasher. We had our country's most prominent meth users are in the building. One afternoon, the fire alarm went off in a patient room, and several of us ran in with a fire extinguisher. We were greeted by a cloud of thick blue

gray smoke, whilst trying to find what was on fire. We then realized we had walked into a room that had been thoroughly hotboxed with meth smoke. By the time we realized and got out of the room, it was too late, and we spent the remainder of the afternoon secondhand high on meth before crashing at 8 p.m. John, are you here? John, I don't want to put you on the spot. What makes a meth user the county's most prominent?

Is there a pageant? When he admitted, he had been a frequent flyer as they call this? Sure. The past 20 years. Oh, man. So it's a body of work. Yeah. Okay.

How did you feel the day after this day at work? I came back to, I legitimately did crash at like 8. on account of all the meth that you inhaled they were all like how did you feel about that and that was kind of it and then it became like a real fun story

that John would you say that this is the worst possible work group bonding activity that one could conceive have you played pet put put with Spencer I want to say yes but I have worked for seven years so

there was a lot of other shit. Oh, oh. So, so did productivity spike once the meth set on? Did anybody have some questions after about, you know, surprisingly piquant? I think we have time for one or two more. I got a short one that is not. I got a big, big downgrade in terms of stakes,

but it's one of those rare sentences that every single word of it gets worse. Oh, good. It's short, it's short, but it really, from start to finish, it's a plummet. All right, this is from Jack. Jack says, and follow the trajectory with me, I got food poisoning from a chicken finger at the pickleball U.S. Open. I like this because you know it's recent. I wouldn't, information that you couldn't waterboard out of me.

Being at the pickleball U.S. Open. A thing I found out existed from Jack. I think, a place you'd hope you could trust the chicken fingers. Yeah, seriously. Like their whole deal. This is from the, honestly, the name is as good as the story itself. daughter of Auburn mom okay

I ran a freshman dorm and someone quote accidentally discharged a weapon unquote into the water main it was a long night there you have it

all right that is I have so many questions because no you don't How big a gun do you need to actually fuck up a water main? That's not a small, like, that isn't it? Yeah, what's Auburn's packing list? Evidently, it's like M240.

An armed student body is a free student body. Infrastructure Week means something very different in Alabama.