Shutdown Fullcast - Workplace Disasters Part 2: LIVE! From Portland

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

- More attempts at ASMR from Ryan - When Airplanes Get Hungry - The worst place to watch Act II of Oklahoma - The Mystery of the Abandoned Retirement Community Car - Katie vs. Biker Gang vs. Cops vs. Katie - Sewage Pump Missile Keys - May God grant you the confidence of a lady who brings her bird wherever she pleases - Forklifts: The Ultimate Revenge Tool - Bring Him Home (him is a gun)- This week's theme song arranged and performed by Michael Surber with Metallica- Listen to Ryan's other, less harrowing show, We're Not All Like This, and check out his narrative podcast with Steven Godfrey, Who Killed College Football? https://www.wkcfb.com - Check out Jason's free newsletter and other work: https://www.jasonkirk.fyi/ - Find Holly and Spencer writing and chirping at https://channel-6.ghost.io/ - Purchase only the finest Fullcast gear at sunny https://preownedairboats.com/

Hello, friends and listeners. The National Championship has completed. Spencer, how proud of we are the team that won? I am so proud of your team here. And if your team lost, you know why? It's because of that one call. Oh, boy, was that bad. It's all on the refs, and I'm not a loser for suggesting that.

And maybe the coaches, too. Who's to say? Hey, Ryan, sometimes we keep a show in the can. Sometimes we keep a couple. Who knows? The archives are full. mysteries. Expired in 2015.

Oh, no. Terrible creatures. We do occasionally let you listen to one of them, you know, because we're kind like that also because hey, if we got one in the camp, we might as well share it with you.

That's right. That's right. Like hobos of your around the campfire. You know what this is. Hmm. This is teacher doesn't want to teach lesson. Let's put on a movie.

This is the gigantic LCD TV on top of a dangerously unstable cart. Why are we watching Glory in Math? I don't understand. Why are we watching Talladega Nights? This is cultural geography, son. This is the 13th Warrior. This is, by the way, somebody told me that their AP lit teacher, it was like, yeah, we read Baywolf, here's 13th Warrior.

Yes. The education system has never been working better. Anyway, we're wheeling one out for you, is what we're saying. Let's roll that big old CRT out here on its dangerous perch. Workplace disasters live from Portland. This is July, 2024. So far, so far away. Here you go.

They keep me locked up in this cage. Can I see it's why my race is a praise is raised. Blind artarium Leave me Baby Blind artarium Just leave me alone Close your eyes.

Picture a mountain towering over a forest. Its snow-capped peak, swirled by the wind. A hawk knifes through the air, hungry for prey. It wheels and dips, battered by the frost but undaunted. Suddenly the hawks spots a mouse that has strayed far from its nest, and it dives for what feels like an eternity. an eternity. Time slows and the wind softens as the raptor continues its headlong descent and just before it reaches the mouse the hawk turns and looks you deep in

the eyes and you hear it whisper. Mario Cristobal lost to Georgia Tech because he refused. To just call a fucking kneel down. Welcome to the shutdown full cast. Brian Nanny, ladies and gentlemen. We're coming to you live. from Portland, fucking Oregon. Yes. What's the name of the facility?

The name of the facility is the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. One for two. There was some debate about that in our first show. There was some debate about that. The best part was when he was like, no, I'm right.

I was palindromically right. It's confident. That's not the same thing. There was a variation thereof. But yes, the first people we need to thank tonight are you for coming out and seeing us in, I guarantee you, the only planetarian hosted college football. And also giant floating Einstein face. Yes. Yes. If you don't understand the theory of relativity after tonight, then fuck you. What if you fell into a school

picture background forever? And somebody was talking about Mario Cristobal's clock management. That. Brother, I'm stuck inside a trapper keeper. This was not an option for picture backgrounds at our school when I was a kid and we were fucking livid oh yeah but we need to thank you and then we need to thank the planetarium for hosting this there were other planetariums that were asked and every single one of them said go straight to hell they also said what what but not Portland in classic fashion since you've come out of I've given you a classic full cast introduction

where I have not said any of our names yet. I am Spencer Hall and we are joined as always by Jason Kirk, Holly Anderson, and yes, the previously mentioned Ryan Naney who gave us that lovely ASMR Planetarium intro. Right now, if you've had a couple of edibles, you're wondering what in the fuck is going on?

We're in Portland, so I'm like, only a couple? You all see this, right? Yeah. The listener at home... Well, hey there, so wrong. The listener at home should know that above us is a giant red ball of gas called the sun occasionally being cut into cross-section.

The person who I told to take two edibles right now is off his face. I'm wondering what is happening. We're watching the sun's assholes prolapse. This is the future of liberals want. We are here... Bob DeSantis is horrified. So weird.

There's a lot of that going around this week. Speaking of disaster. Speaking of workplace disasters, Ron DeSantis. That's right. This is cheap pop if I ever heard one. Validate me. I love every Oregon politician, by the way. Like every major Oregon politician comes out.

I think we should have recycling and people should be careful about shit. And everyone in D.C. is like nerd. Buddy, I have some news for you. I have some news for you about almost the entire. rest of Oregon, but we can talk about that out. Portland. Just Portland. We can get to this after the show. Yeah, I saw a sign. There's a sign on the bridge coming over here that says, that says,

emissions, you know, kill. You should turn your engine off while you're waiting. What are these folks kayaking into a black hole? Yeah. What the fuck are y'all up to here in the great city of Portland? It's called action sports, you coward. Is this entire show about buttholes of nature? Yeah. Welcome to buttholes of nature. I'm David Attenborough.

I would turn around. In my opinion. I think this looks dank as hell. Dare to be fucking great, I guess. Let's go. Oh, no. Why are you paddling? There we go.

I got to say, it's pretty funny that somebody was like, all right, I'm going to kayak into the center of the earth, but I'm going to wear a helmet to be safe. I don't know what's down there I don't want to balk my nog It's the earth's mantle Matthew McConaughey right now It's like hey brother

You just got to go ahead and sail on in I bet you what's down there is a library Before you kayak the center within Before you kayak the center without Yeah The real force holding the universe together is love And also And maybe we need

Yeah Maybe your butt holes where you begin And the rest of the world ends And I hear stuff like that I hear green light brother Green light People say up your own ass like it's a bad thing. We are not here to look at the anises of the universe.

We apparently are. I mean, that's apparently what we're here for, but we're going to try to re-rout it. We have disaster history, but honestly, I feel like we can just sit here. This might, oh, y'all, are we in a visual medium podcast? Yeah. Yeah. The prophecy. It's come true.

This is part two of workplace disasters. Part one was terrible. we saved all the good ones for you. That's right. For those of you who were at the first show, we still haven't managed to fix the narration about the stairs that repeats during the show. Yeah, you're going to hear that.

So y'all get to hear that again. You will be listening to the voice of God will remind you about stair safety when they come in. He's lying. We've replaced one of these stairs with a slide. Real quick question. Who here is? Whoa.

Who is at their first full cast live show? welcome who has never listened to the shutdown forecast before tonight how ladies hello hey i see that hand i see that who is here on a date with the relationship that hasn't quite got to the comfortable stage or early anybody maybe we asked that mistake all right okay good all right fortunately the the room was not lit up for the answer to that question i i have good news if you are here for the first time you've never listen to this show before you have been given

a chit of sort one day in your future your partner or friend or whoever you're here with will not want to do something that you want them to do and you'll get to say hey I saw those fuck faces at the planetarium so yeah

you're coming with me to this wedding remember when I had to go to the space butthole antiquing ain't shit compared to that I'm pretty sure you are going to clean the shower fuck off but we are going to do workplace disasters we asked listeners

contributors readers for those of us who read this podcast tonight that's true yeah tonight that is 100% true we reached down to the cosmos okay into that vast beyond that butthole just blew up we did

and the butthole reached back have we disasters of our own to read read as if we to recite I do I want to start with mine and this is going to be a different one than one because I appreciate the late night crew

y'all turned out you're probably drunker you're probably higher you're probably more tired I think you're probably more susceptible to the wilds of this podcast than our previous audience and they were really susceptible y'all there's something perverted about you know I'm going to go to the early full cast then get a good night's sleep

I want to see them when they're rehearsing when they don't have this shit down yeah mine is going to come from the time I worked at a university bookstore and in Florida by the way this never means that you're actually being paid by the

university no it means that they have subcontracted it to some asshole who runs an overpriced bookstore next to like Aramark books correct we've privatized the bookstore and the first step of that is inserting a finger of economic stimulus directly up the butthole

of every student. We're continuing a theme here. Anyway, we are going to talk about the time that I threw a box at someone's head for a good reason. So what we had to do is we had to ship boxes and we did it in an air-conditioned warehouse where we listened to a lot of corn

and smoked a lot of weed, okay? If you have life's peachy, shouts out, you're one of my people, okay? So we had to wrap boxes and I had this co-worker named Kurt. K-U-R-T. He was a dude from Tampa who had shoulders that were about

six inches wide from tip to tip. And he claimed that he was and he was like kind of a goth. I would respect hot weather goths, but I will also say this. I don't respect Kurt. If Kurt is in this audience, I'll beat your ass

tonight. So hard. Kurt had a lot of different ticks. Kurt is the kind of who if you're around today would buy tactical everything right like because you never know when the next thing's happening and he was a hot weather goth which is very weird because i feel like you're already deeply committed to that lifestyle right it's humid everything sucks it's 95 degrees and you're wearing velvet pants as a choice and anyway kurt was profoundly irritating in every single way

and did not like corn that's really all you need to know about him that's why he didn't fit in at the warehouse but at the end of the day we're getting ready to leave somebody goes okay do we have any thoughts on the day because I had this manager who was like, let's ask a bunch of 18 to 22 year olds who were high off their ass if they had any thoughts about the protocols on the day. You had like day and philosophical windups in an unair conditioned to warehouse? Correct. Our manager, Tony,

was like, I take back my original ending to this story, which is that you should have gone to jail. I take it back. Yes. So like, what did we learn from fieldy today? Correct. What did we learn from working in a warehouse for eight hours? You're like, I should have smoked more. It's really what the lesson was.

You know, also corn rules, right? raise my hand you're like i think this album kicks ass especially adidas so um anyway kurt he goes what do we learn today and kurt looks down and goes yeah what we learned spencer can't wrap a box because you have to tape them right and of course like you're being paid exactly seven dollars an hour you're going to get approximately three dollars and fifty cents worth of effort i'm going to keep the rest and so i've done a shay job you challenge your craftsmanship he did challenge my craftsmanship and he should have but it was fucking curt and anyway I have it in my hands right

and he goes take a look at it it's not good and I'm like oh hey by the way did I mention Kurt thought he was going to be a supermodel as a really narrow goth from Tampa

earlier today you said Kurt looked like Gru he did look like Gru but like Groo has shoulders so as you can move him in and also Gru has some looks yeah okay Kurt had zero looks

okay um curt looked like everyone who's like are we the bad guys in a nazi like sure clip right like that's him so anyway kurt was like it's not good and kurt is standing about from me to you okay so for the listener at home this is a distance of about what 10 feet no fuck them they don't deserve to know how far they don't yeah they should have been here if they wanted to know 1,000 feet across the galaxy that spans above us yeah so anyway I took that box which weighed probably 8 to 10 pounds and I immediately chucked it straight at Kurt's fucking head. Box of what? Just a box? Just a empty

box? No, it was loaded with books. So it was loaded with books and I threw it about as hard as I could in front of no lie, about 15 people. So clearly I was past the point where I was like jail. None of them objected. None of them objected. In fact, when it happened there were titters of laughter, a couple of awkward laughs and then the manager

goes, I think we're done today. and we just left. So it should have been arrested. And instead, it was Miller time, baby. Well, Kurt learned a valuable lesson that day. He didn't learn shit. Jason, do you have a workplace? So on the full cast, a few times

over the past 11 fucking years we've been doing this, I have mentioned... Oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah. That's about as long as the universe that is whirling above us right now. I've mentioned that time I went to jail. you know

I was carrying a good yeah let's hear it folks shout out for jail I had a firearm in my backpack at the Atlanta airport

it's common it happens to lots of people I mentioned this a few weeks ago on the forecast for whatever reason and someone on Reddit was like you shouldn't have done that

thank you Wikipedia man fuck you just for that I'm going to do it again put it in the previous strategy guy Did you think I thought it was a good idea? This is a bad play coach. This is a misfortune of geography because if you had had that on the Fulton County into the airport, this would not have been a story.

For those of you who don't know the Atlanta airport, it sits at top three different counties. And so depending on which end of the airport you get arrested and you go to one of three different county jails. Jason got the bad one. I got Claycoe. He got Clayton County. You don't want you to know there. Fuck Clayco.

Yeah. And if you went to the Fulton County Jail, you can let yourself out basically. That's the one more famously you can see. swipe like a credit card in the door lock and it will just pop open. It was the one where T.I can record a rap album. TI. TI recorded a rap album and actually shot a video

inside the Fulton County Jail. Whereas Clayco, fuck Clayko. Jason went to the jail last jail. The detail that I have not talked about on the full cast is I was on my way to a work meeting at sbnation.com.

This meeting was going to be in New York It was going to be, I was college football editor at the time, so I was going to be, guess what, leading the meetings. And like, there I am locked up in airport jail, emailing Spencer to say, hey, buddy, I'm tagging you in. And, you know, I emailed Spencer for a variety of reasons. One of them being, all right, so this company is at the time based in Washington, D.C., and composed almost entirely of, let's call them, Blue State Coast. elites who have never seen a gun in their life. A firearm. And if they, yeah, if they hear this about me, then like, oh gosh, I don't know, do I get,

I don't know if I get fired or what. But what I knew about Spencer. On a long enough timeline in digital media, yes. That's probably what did it. That's probably what did it. Not that long. But I knew the thing is, like, those type of people think Spencer's very cool. To be clear, Spencer is very cool.

But those people are sort of just awed by Spencer. He was like a zoo animal, like a fancy zoo animal. Spencer walks in a room and anyone who is wearing a collar, thinks, I should have just dressed like Spencer. So they just do whatever Spencer thinks it's cool. So I wanted Spencer to deliver the news. And what ended up happening is

our little circle, we developed like street grid around the company. It was like, we had like younger co-workers who were like, dude, this is so fucking badass. So you're like basically like a made man now. I'm like, yeah. The people who all went to like. Give me some

fucking SEO posts. The people who all went to private school in like the D.C. area or Massachusetts, they were all like, dude, you know, Jason, he's been to fucking jail. What time is the Super Bowl? Whatever time I fucking say it is, because I've been on the inside. Pow, pow!

So, yeah. I mean, the disaster part of it was like, yeah, it costs a lot of money to go to jail. It turns out that was the part of it. It also takes a lot, or it took a lot at that time to miss the start of quarterly meetings more spectacularly than this one. Yeah. Also, can I elaborate on one element that I find delightful about this story?

Yeah, let's do it. That, first of all, Jason got free legal representation. Isn't that great? That's amazing. How do he do that? He got it for how? Who represented you? Wait, wait, wait, wait, back up. Because behind the scenes, while we're getting like drips and drabs of information about Jason,

this rapidly goes on our end from, oh, shit, we got to get Jason a lawyer. Oh, Jason's in Claycoe, we got to get him a real lawyer. Oh, Jason had a gun. We got to get him a good lawyer. So it ended up a member of my family ended up getting me a gun lawyer which was a person who was concerned with the personhood of the firearm

and you know I was incidental to the whole thing so like the only contact I ever had with this person this lawyer just kept saying like we're so close to getting the gun back like fuck the gun little t-shirts like bring him home with the picture of the gun we will not abandon the gun

my client hundred dollar gun it was a shitty little fucking gun keep the fucking gun yeah no not worried about Jason just as like listen we're gonna get the gun out of it let Jason fucking rot can they get Jason's criminal record expunge

but about the gun Johnny Magnum's gonna make it out of this so yeah and you know I'll check in on Reddit for advice on what I should have done 11 years ago and then I'll try to follow it Ryan Hello Well I left a perfectly good legal

career to do this We told you not to So everything's fine You're never going to make me feel bad about that Never It's not your fault No we tried to stop you We tried to stop me anytime

I think the best work disaster It's one I think I caused It's really more like a situational one in between college and law school, I worked at a golf course because I was just like, I just want something easy that I can just sort of go to. I don't need it to be fancy. They were very alarmed that I spent, that I was a college graduate who wanted like an

$8 an hour golf course job. They were like, what is happening? Why are you? What's happening here? But I spent most of that summer when I wasn't working, sitting on a golf cart reading the 9-11 convention. Commission report. That's not weird.

It's only in retrospect. These people must have been like, holy shit, what is this dude planning? But then I just left and everything was fine. So were you like scrutinizing it or? There's no casual way to read the 9-11 commission report. Were you like looking for holes in the story here? There's no like, no, man, this is the graphic novel.

It moves. Oh, man, here comes Joe Lieberman again. Were you highlighting passages? Only articles. He's just highlighting Ann. The. A. Spelling out butts in the margins.

Truthfully, though, this is in Florida. They were probably like, who's this guy with a book? Why is he looking at those? He doesn't even have drugs in it. Why is he reading about Porsches? Why is he looking at those? I'll wait. I'll wait.

Lord. Holly, do you have another workplace disaster? God, yes. We were discussing these earlier today because we, like many of us, a lot of our workplace disasters have come up through the context of other disaster episodes. And I was a stagehand for a really long time. And most of those disaster stories depend upon you knowing the context of the show. But one of them involves the musical Oklahoma. A disaster in and of itself.

And this one production, there's a set that is one giant building that sits in the middle of the stage, almost like a full-sized bungalow. And the front of it is the farmhouse. And the farmhouse scenes all happen in front of it. And then when you go into the barn, everybody, the whole thing's on casters. And you flip it 180 degrees, and there's a barn set built on to the back of it. And you've got to, so that the light shines through in the right places for, reasons anyway the house has curtains and you have to like pull these little

gingham curtains down and get off stage without being seen for the house scenes and then you have to roll the curtains back up you have time for the barn scene and if you don't make it when the barn is flipped around to the back you have to stay bent over in the hay loft for the entire second act of Oklahoma which is long and which contains the only good song in the whole show but it is long and this is a three-week run. This has happened to me like five times that I gotten stuck on top of the hayloft

and I had, I don't work on Oklahoma because I want to see Oklahoma. And so I decided I was going to make a run for it with like, like, you see that the car is coming and you kind of like, is that car coming fast enough for me to pull out? And you kind of do a little stutter step on the gas pedal and then you go, which makes it worse.

There's a trap door elsewhere in the stage that is not marked because it was not being used during the show. It was to like shuttle, like there was a big old string bass that was used for one scene, and it was to take it back down to the orchestra pit. And because it was where nobody was walking during the show, it was not marked, which is why I went full, like full body, one foot into it and caught myself by the armpits on it. And that's where I stayed for the entire second act of Oklahoma. not only having to listen to the entire second act

about how farmers and cowboys should be friends, but hanging dangling by my elbows above a two-story drop into the baselines. Damn. No, the worst part is having to listen to Oklahoma. These are all great, obviously. I just, I wonder if Brian Floyd has one. so much that he could share.

I don't know, Floyd. Are you out there? Nope. Oh, hey, buddy. Brian Floyd, everybody. Hi, y'all. So working at a public pool as a lifeguard, we would do stunts after hours.

One of these stunts, we had a high lift that was being used to repair things in the pool, and there was a note that said, in a locker, that said, move this to the deep end with a picture and jump off it, things like that. We took up skateboarding on the roof, had a little incline, little old roof, and one of our rugby player lifeguards sliding down the incline, the two front wheels stayed, and he went down. So now we had a hole in the roof.

We spent the next week collecting materials, learning via YouTube how to repair a roof, and slowly over that week repairing the roof. We continued skateboarding. Ricky was not allowed to skateboard anymore, but everyone else was. And the roof did not get damaged again. The perfect crime. That was beautiful. Spencer, give me that sweet, sweet podcast music, please.

Podcast business. What's the business? Podcast business? That's the business. Podcast business. We're going to make some cash. That's right. If you attended this live show, you don't have to listen to these ads.

That's why you got to go to the live show. It's the pristine. It's how the show is meant to be listened to. But if you weren't, now it's time to do some ads for you. Starting with Spencer Hall, prize picks. Prize picks. Prize picks. Prize picks.

What is it? I'm so glad I can tell you everything about it. Prizepix is the best place to get real money. Sports action with over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings prize picks has made daily fantasy sports accessible to all. Hey, Ryan. it is just this simple you just pick more or less that's correct even me even me dumb floridian can do even dumb floridian can do prize pick just pick more or less uh for a shot to went up to 1,000 times

your cash run your game all season long on prize picks uh you know for instance by the way NFL playoffs, you know, ongoing as they are. Lamar Jackson rushing. More. Yep. Just smash the more button. Derek Henry, more. More.

What's that? More. All of it. Just select Derek Henry and press more. Josh Allen, I think universally, Josh Allen, more. Yep, yep. Receiving touchdowns for Josh Allen. More.

Hammer, more. Ticktok's, more, more. All things are silly hair. more surprisingly romantic proposals more more romances of of enviable intensity and quality more more more everyone loves josh allen and that's why you need to hammer that more button um i would also state too that by the way price picks you know you're going to make some money how am i going to get it out you ask oh that's easy when you're putting a job together we'll get the money out you put a job together She was only

You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors You don't even have to blow the bloody doors When it comes to price pace Because all you need to do is select withdrawal And you can get your money And as quick as 15 minutes Heck, it even offers MasterCard For quick and easy deposits into your account

This sports season I'm talking a lot I should stop talking And I should start doing some doing For instance, I could tell you to download the app Today and use the code Bullcast to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Who just got you $50?

That's right, prize picks and the full cast. And me, Jason Statham. And that's right, Jason Statham. To get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. Spencer, it's Jesse and me today. So I picked a very special edition of more or less that I think is maybe going to make you particularly unhappy.

and I'm sorry about that, but it is good audio. Whatever, saw puppet. Just go ahead. This is, of course, more or less, our weekly game presented by prize picks. Spencer, when this episode comes out, we will be hurtling towards that most important February cultural event.

I'm, of course, talking about the Grammys, the thing that has an ice of vice-like grip on the American consciousness, the face you're making, right? Listen, I have to mix these up. They can't all be football, okay? Are you not sure when the Grammys are? No, I have no idea.

Okay. They would come on and I would be like, Hark, the Grammys. Hark, a Grammy has appeared. I'm going to give you two musical artists, and you are going to tell me which one of them has more Grammy nominations, not wins, nominations in their career. Are you prepared for this journey? I'm prepared.

Let's go. Okay. Let's start with this one. Chicago, the band Chicago, or The Weekend, the Singular Newsblood. Chicago was around so long. Chicago did so much M-O-R, middle of the road, fantastic. Baby, I love you, but we got different ways kind of songs. Yeah, listen, you couldn't have a retan chair for like 20 years unless you were listening to Chicago and going through a divorce.

Yeah, so I'd say Chicago. The weekend has 13 Grammy nominations, Chicago, merely 10. What the fuck? And now you see how this game will work. You know that's wrong. You know that's wrong. I'm going to make it worse. Okay.

Will Smith or Fleetwood Mac. Which one of these two has more... I'm going to follow a theme. Will Smith. That is correct. Will Smith has eight Grammy nominations. No, I'm in the mode now. Fleetwood Mac has...

I had to shift from Real to Crap World. I'm in Crap World. That's right. Carlos Santana or Maroon 5. Now, to be clear, this is Carlos Santana as a solo artist. This doesn't include nominations for Santana, the band that he fronted. Does this include his nominations with Rob Thomas? I believe it does.

I believe it does. Or Michelle Branch. I believe it does. Game of love is sublime. Yeah. Maroon 5. Carlos Santana narrowly edges down. Maroon 5 with 14 nominations to their 13.

Maroon 5. My head spinning. Okay. Knaz or Outcast? Which one of these important parts of rap history has more Grammy nominations? I'm going to say due to the popularity of Hayah and also having songs you could play at a party, Outcast. Nause has 17 Outcast 16 Grammy nominations. That's a fucking crime.

Okay. Let's make it worse. Celine Dion or Jay Cole Who has more Grammy nominations? She is the greatest singer in the world So I'm gonna go Celine Dion Jay Cole has 17000 Grammy nominations And Celine only has 16

What are we doing? How is this a real award? I only have two more They're both gonna make you very mad I suspect Al Green or Billy Joel Spencer Billy Joel That's correct Amber that button.

Billy Joel, the highest of any artist we have named so far. 23 Grammy nominations, Al Green, 21. Grammys are literally like, you can't say enough about Billy Joel. Everyone's talking about him. Do you think when he gets it, he's like, thank you for music award. Yeah, he is. I'm so happy to have won the music award. This is an expression of gratitude I am making right now.

All right, this is the last one. And this is the one I debated putting on. at all because I think you might throw something. Okay. Who has more Grammy nominations? Dolly Parton or Drake? Drake. Drake, 100%.

I'm betting on crap world here. Crap world come through. Drake has 55. Dolly has 54. We live in the worst possible universe. Yeah, the world is crap, but we just benefited because we gave you more and not less. We gave you more and not less. You know who else always gives you more, Spencer?

Homefield apparel, that's right. Home field freaking apparel. It's chilly season here. It's chilly season in a lot of places, I guess unless you live in Australia and other parts of the Southern Hemisphere. In which case, if you're within the sound of our voice, home field apparel still has T-shirts. It's not all about sweatshirts and sweatpants.

That's right. You can get out with your clogs. You can enjoy your weird beach Christmas. Your weird beach Christmas? You know, sending Santa out to be stung by a tiny jellyfish. What is, what do you, I have no idea here. If you just had to speculate, what do you think is the most popular homefield school in Australia? Arkansas, because remember, Australia is the Arkansas, the South Pacific.

That's right. That's right. That's right. So if you are Australian and going to home field apparel to make a purchase for the first time, you can use offer code full cast to get 20% your order of any and all Arkansas gear. Does this offer code technically work for anyone using this the first time for any school? Yes, but today we're emphasizing that it's for Australia, for Arkansas. Fafah.

That's what this clothing brand is. The tunnel connecting the two shall never close. That's right. That's right. There is a hole through the center of the earth that goes directly from Perth to Little Rock. Two of those, by the way. One from Australia, Arkansas. The other one is from Mexico City to Bangkok.

I swear. That's it. Thailand is Asian Mexico, and Mexico is North Americano, Thailand. And this is, and this is, this is basically our globe's secret passage between the kitchen and the, whatever it was. That's right. This is, this is, for the old, for the old heads, this was, this is like the secret, like, tunnel and Webster, right? Uh-huh. Where you open the clock and you went up to Webster's bedroom. Yes, that's right. That's right. It's cold in the tunnel, though. So before you get in, Before you start that long crawl, and it is a crawl.

It's not a standing tunnel. You got to get on your belly the whole way there. Go to homefield apparel.com, get some warm, comfortable clothing, show up in Australia, wearing brand spanking new, Arkansas gear, become president? Yes, but this is, no, it's this, become prime minister. Okay, yeah. All right, get punched in the face. Yeah.

Yeah. The prime minister did get punched in the face. And also, um, when you've done that, that retire, take up skin diving, and then potentially be eaten by a shark or disappear, because that really happened to an Australian Prime Minister. And then what did they do, by the way, after he disappeared? What did they do? What did they name after him?

Polycule? No, no, no, no, no. Even better. School? No, even better. What do you name after somebody who disappeared swimming? Beach? A pool.

Never say Australians don't have a sense of humor. The Harold Holt Memorial Pool at the Australian base in Wungtow, Vietnam is named after Harold Holt. He disappeared. Also, there is, Harold Holt has become slang in Australia for, to make a quick exit. So to do Harold Holt. This is the Irish goodbye. The Irish goodbye is, I'm going to. going to walk into the sea.

I'm going to walk into the ocean and disappear. Let's hold field apparel.com. All right. That's enough for this podcast business. Back to the live show that you're listening to. Good on you, mate. All right. I think it's time to do some listener submissions.

It is. Do you want to lead us off? Oh, I'm going to get. I'm going to set this off. Okay. All right. Big Kaisi. From Andy.

City work crew was doing part maintenance. Some mowing, a little bit of line trimming. When a guy knew, to the city, but with prior work experience. Crew came across a bee's nest. Oh, thank God. And the crew lead told the new guy to follow the bee protocol.

God damn it. Follow the bee protocol. Spencer, what's the bee protocol? We're about to learn. Which was to shut down everything, leave, and call a bee guy. Call the bee guy. Pretty good bee protocol.

Pretty good bee protocol. protocol. This is what you should do at home with anything. Your protocol should be called the person who knows how to do it. Is that what they did? No, no, no, no, no. That's not what they did. Instead, he said, fuck that. Watch this. And ran. Which the bees said, okay. Bet. I'm the bee guy now. And ran his line trimmer through the nest. What was he hoping to accomplish with this? I guess is my question. I will deprive them of their home. I like that there is a certain type of human brain that gets a tool and is therefore like, oh, I am protected now. I have a power tool and therefore I can do anything.

The bees don't have a tool, but I do. The bees couldn't even grab this. Yeah. This thing that is meant to edge the fucking lawn. has now become my sword and shield. Bees don't even have new balances. I have turned one beehive into two beehives. Surely this will solve my bee problems.

The bees will be dissuaded by facts and logic. I have bisected the issue. This is your dumbest friend who read Freakonomics and no other book. Spencer, is there a code to this story, if I recall? He was fired as soon as he got back from the E.R. There we go. There we go. I just want you to imagine, by the way, coming back,

you've just got your ass whooped by a hive of bees. You are swollen. You look like some sort of giant, like, misformed potato man. And you show up back at your city job, and they're like, yeah, pick up your last check. You're totally fired. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fair. Get your ass out of here, stay puff, marshmallow, man. Go home and swell. The most disappointing part of that story is not the decision to use the line tremor. Is that your boss was like, V protocols that we go home. And you're like, no, I'm going to ask the bee teacher for extra homework.

I don't know if you've ever had a friend who goes, oh, I'm just going to take some aerosol and a lighter. I'm pretty sure we've told a story like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just when you end up with bees on fire. That's half the long care disaster submission. It includes flaming bees. Yeah.

Hey, I got a new guy story. Another new guy story. This involves Brian. We probably got about 12 y'all in here. Brian, whose father was a Delta pilot, Brian? Are you in here? Okay. Yeah.

Talk shit about Brian. Brian says, my father was a Delta pilot for 25 years, starting in the late 1970s. And early in his career, he was assigned to a new route that flew into Frankfurt, Germany. This is, if you've never been, And Frankfurt is a massive, massive an airport. After a few wrong turns, the controller radioed and said,

What is the problem, Delta? You have never flown to Frankfurt before? That was Swedish. I don't know what happened. The captain, calm down. Bork, pork, pork. It was the right planet. Is that what I sound like?

I just wanted to say bork. Park, I'm sorry. The punch, we've ruined the punchline at this point. No, I don't think that's true. The captain who had been a B-17 pilot in World War II radioed back. Tower, I have flown to Frankfurt before, but last time I was here, I didn't land. Woo! Don't maybe do it again.

I have a couple of airports. ones as well. Let's start with this one. This is from Danny, who I think is here. We're going to find out. Hi, Danny. So confident. All right, let's find out. Danny, you work in airport operations, correct? All right. Danny says, we had a contractor repaving a section of a taxiway using a newly approved asphalt mixture for the first and last time. It seemed fine. We inspected it. We reopened it for use. Unfortunately, under the weight of a 737, the first aircraft that taxied over it, which was a full

united flight bound for Chicago, wound up with its wheels and undercarriage absolutely covered in sticky black liquefied asphalt as it peeled the new pavement off the ground. This is bad, but it was bad. probably very fun to watch. Like, when parts of the world do things that you're like, that's what happens in a cartoon, that's pretty cool. Like, if I saw somebody paint a tunnel on a rock and then watched a bird fly through it,

I would be like, holy shit, that doesn't make sense, but it rules. And then I would run into the rock myself. Chris Nolan is in shambles right now. Yeah, by the way, that's one of the safer ways of Boeing can stay on the car. ground that's like all of the all of the asphalt had to be scraped off of the plane by hand before the aircraft was towed back to the gate i should note that my girlfriend was on this flight

traveling to a conference for for work it was delayed enough that she missed her connection and got stranded in chicago overnight she did not find the reason as funny as i did but she still proposed me later that year and we've been married for two years now hey Was it fun to watch? Oh, yeah. Okay. It's like picking a scab on the world. Hey!

She's here. So what were you... Yeah, we got a lot of questions here. What were you told on the plane? Because this is a good way to see, like, what's your name? What's your name? Hi, Rebecca.

I was like, there's no problem. That's not a lie. That's not, yeah, that's accurate. Unfortunately, we can't because we're eating the runway. So you weren't told the plane had been mummified and fried. Ladies gentlemen, the tarmac is molting. Airports only do this when they're very distressed. Plain feels snacky.

It's like earth jerky. Yeah, by the way, thanks. Whoever was like, ooh, with the Boeing thing, I didn't make the shitty plane. They were the ones who made the shit plane. Hey, you're in Boeing country, pal. So I'm going to look out. Things might be falling, is what you're saying?

We're from Delta country. We can say, uh, from Aaron, played the unedited version of DMX's party up. which I'll say as a Caucasian, one of the very few lines in that song that I could gesture at is the one where he threatens to hit someone with his penis.

Played this song for a crowd of 6,500 plus at a minor league baseball game. On the 4th of July, America was already great. I will say this you don't have to get that far into a DMX song before you realize it's the unedited version.

Is it the second line that says he's like very straightforward about these things. This is a song where the unedited or the edited version still includes the line that's like you're about to go missing. You know who's going to find you some old man fishing?

Which I always loved because it posited that there was some old man enjoying a nice morning. Well, you read that. thing in a DMX song. You read that as I'm dumping your body in the lake, but maybe you've made a new friend. You've given an old guy a great story. He's going to go back and be like, boys, crazy morning. Oh, DMX is at it again.

Oh, that dark man X. Don't go near him. He'll hit you with his dick. I got another accidental rap story here, actually. I didn't think we'd get two of these. Reese, you hear? Oh, good. in my prior job I worked as an editor for a golf magazine part of my job was writing and sending out our email newsletter

we had a somewhat redundant system that required me to copy and paste the email content to multiple versions to deal with this I would use the Apple sticky notes as a staging area for the content so I could copy and paste as quickly as possible I also use the sticky notes as well sticky notes one day while copying and pasting away I I hit send and felt a sudden pang of unease. I had copied and subsequently pasted the wrong item, which meant that I had sent an email with the rap lyrics, drunker than a motherfucker, step up into Denny's, eat a plate of eggs and bacon, tip that bitch in pennies,

to 55,000 members of a state golf association. subscriptions went up listen listen Reese was not fired hold on you know the open rate on that email was amazing I also happened to know that this was the state golf association of Texas oh yeah okay fuck that's good the growth metrics on it though the growth metric yeah there's probably somebody there who is like maybe this should be our whole strat

just imagine all of those guys finally I know how to talk to my grandson right there's probably like of that list 55,000 I'm just going to assume that a reasonable percentage let's say 48% of them are Hank Hill right so just imagine them opening their email and be like in pennies well that's rude

this is the kind of thing where someone who was like off that day you know the analytics manager come you know three months later is like so I noticed there was a spike in click through day. Is there anything we could replicate about that the strategy on that day? Hey, it's a

return to a line we had in the last show, one of Spencer's favorite lines from Pastor Solomon, Missouri. Not our finest moment, not a teachable moment. Nope. You got one? I do. This is from a long-time listener, Verb. Who? Verbe

In about 12? Verb works with a lot of guys who, who are their own boss, works with a lot of guys who own duly trucks, and send in like 12 different ones, so we had to narrow it down. He didn't send in the one that I thought he would send in, which involved a driver

of his hitting a car in front of him in a company tractor trailer because he was jacking it. And this guy had apparently already been warned about jacking it at least once because they had his manner, whoever his

fool me once. No, because whoever his manager was, the only reason they knew this had happened was, whoever his manager was, felt they needed to take him aside that the week before and be like, hey, dude, we're installing dash cams next week. Did not deter him. Anyway, that's not the one that,

that story did not make the cut of the stories that verbs sent. That driver was probably like, finally, finally. Can't wait to be on camera. I just realized I don't even know if it was a dude. I'm just assuming, and that's unfair. Yeah, that was probably a dude. This is a different story. Salesman upset with a shipping clerk.

Forklifted said clerk's car onto a rack in the warehouse, comma, puncturing the fuel line along the way. If you're going to forklift revenge, don't be sloppy about it. It's not just, it's certified forklift operator. Certified. They teach you not to claim. By the way, how have you ever been angry enough at anybody to be like, I'm going to fork lift their car up on that rack? I've never been that mad in my life. You just told a story in which you could have.

If you had had a forklift in front of Kurt. I'm going to think about this. Okay. What I like about this is this is taking a toy that your toddler won't stop playing with the wrong way and you put it too high so they can't reach it.

This is that take into a dangerous extreme. I think all of this is level one in the video game when you use the weapon you have. Beehive, hedge trimmer. Kurt, box. Yeah. Car, forklift. Yeah, this is like from some Lego game, you know, when you're like

hoist the car up onto the Lego. Then you get 60,000 studs. Ryan. Let's see. All right, this is from Nick. I worked as a parking attendant. After swiping a customer's credit card, I had to enter the last four digits of the credit card

into our payment processor as some sort of fraud prevention measure. Only after entering the last four credit card digits could I then enter the transaction amount into the payment system. Having long-seased paying close attention to what I was doing. I once built

someone $4,060 for three hours of parking. Oh, Joe Biden inflation! But that car was so fucking parked. I just like...

It's happening again. When you get that call from your credit card... All right, two things. Either you don't get that call from your credit card company. You're like, what the fuck are you for? Or you do, and they're like, hey, did you park at so-and-so parking? And you're like, yeah. Did you park there for 58 years?

That was, this isn't a disaster, and I think I told this story on Twitter, but the first college football playoff title game in Dallas, the Oregon, Ohio State one, I was in charge of feeding breakfast to the entire Oh, Jesus. Look, okay, whose side do you think we were on?

Come on. We had to go on there for the first time. Not only have to spend New Year's in Arlington, but we've got to spend it in Jerry World. We're not happy about being there. Anyway, it was my job to feed the SB Nation House the morning after, which is how I wound up fielding a call from Amex in the drive-through

asking, ma'am, are you trying to spend $175 at Taco Cabana? Not trying I'm doing. I was like, yes, give them to me. Do you know how these boys eat? Listen, it's, I understand that national championship game didn't go the way a lot of people in this room would have wanted it to go, but it's important to go big pick.

Okay. Show yourself. That was some Big Ten solidarity if I've ever heard it. Listen, this machine kills fascist, so you better stand up. It's important to remember that history is a long arc. And if Urban Meyer doesn't win that game, maybe he doesn't get fired from the Jaguars for grinding on some random girl in Ohio.

By the way, I would like to go ahead and this is a sponsored show. Y'all didn't know that. We're sponsored by Pete Golding Wine. That's right. We have Pete Golding's West Coast Wine, which a listener brought us. If you can't see, I'm going to go ahead

and for those in the audience, shine the light. There is indeed a little label. I don't know if you can see that. Pete Golding's West Coast wine. They made a label for it for us. That's actually the marketing slogan. Yes.

We made a label for it. Pete Golding, West Coast wine, the official West Coast wine. Would you even drink from a sealed bottle that Pete Golding offered you? Yeah, yeah. But I'm not responsible. So, yeah.

I don't have good ideas. This would be great. That's great. Holly, do you have one? Why is the fucking star doing that? It's taunting you. Why is the star twerking? Pulsar is twerk.

You didn't know that? Am I being pulled over? Hmm. This face is not like this. I'm going to go ahead and say that. This is construction related. Drew. Shake that ass, pulsar.

They got raves in space. This is going to read so weird on the file because we're all just like... This is where you realize that the Venn diagram between Planetarium Educational Show and, like, 1993 MTV dance video, the middle section is very large. By the way, later on this summer,

stopped by the planetarium to see Pink Floyd the Wall. Pink Floyd, the Wall. What the fuck just exploded? It was a planet. I just went up because the star, the star danced so damn hard. Star twerked so hard. I was like, I can't handle it. This siren saw of the star.

Damn, girl, I'm about to explode as a planet. I was clearly told, shake it, make sure you don't break it. Whose turn is it? Mine. Construction, right, forklift. Drew, about 11 years ago, my job made the ill-fated decision to expand office space. That doesn't sound ill-fated, Drew. One of my coworkers, here's where the two.

Man, there's just a road sign right up at the beginning of this that I love. One of my co-workers who everyone called Gris. It's short for Gritchard. I wonder if he's related to diesel. I don't think that's true. But you're not sure. There's a thermos in space. I'm making baby Gris jokes and you can't stop me.

One of my co-workers whom everyone called Gris, I assume his name was like Brandy or something. Yeah, sure. Asked if he could help with the... Oh, yeah, sorry, go ahead. Asked if he could help with the demo by punching through the wall that was to be torn down. The contractor happily obliged.

Drawing two circles on the wall in Sharpie, where he could punch and then said, whatever you do, don't punch here while pointing at the space between the two circles. Beat. Guess how we found out that building has metal studs.

RIP, Gris. When you hire a contractor. Gris, what's your five-year plan? I assume you don't ask. If my employees offer to help with demo, will you say no? But apparently that is a question you need to ask.

There's such a wide delta here because I'm like, this is the contractor for me. But if I'm in the position of the company. Give a man a demolished office building and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to demolish an office building. I don't know. You haven't been a manager for a minute. Yeah. Monetize.

Monetize. The demolition of the office. Sure. I feel like one constant theme and disaster episodes involving any kind of wall is, I know what's inside that wall. Spoiler. They did not know it was inside the wall. Take this home.

If you learn nothing else from this show, be like, I don't know what's in that wall. I'm not looking. I'm going to hire the wall guy. Go hire the wall guy. I blame Chip. Chip Gaines has really, like, encouraged the youth of America to, donkey kick and flying leap into

all manner of the wall they never show demo day when he gets like a live 220 Dwyer right like demo day when Chip gets asbestos exposure

Chip finds a body in the wall we never see that fucking demo day I would like to share one. This is from Dylan. Dylan, you're not here, are you? Okay, good.

Vermont, 2018-ish. What do you mean, man? It's either 2018 or anything. Are you a cop? Yeah. Time moves a little slower up there. Pump truck hired from national company. to pump grease trap from kitchen

partway through pumping there's a blockage to clear pump man clears and goes back to the truck to resume pumping I love that you're reading this like it's a children's story yeah by the way we've already heard pump man pumped you good this is the second trucks and things that's

clued this is the second time tonight we've heard about a trucker going back to the cab and pumping this truck is also responsible for septic pumping this seems like a dangerous overlap. Why is that what? Why is that?

You should have different trucks for that. Different trucks. JMO. And as luck would have it is almost full. Okay. Of which? I'm about to find out. Upon return,

Pumpman chooses to pull the tank release lever by mistake. Okay, I'm sorry. I have no simple. That's a one job. That is the close thing we've come to a one job. Sounds like he did that one job. job he's opened it yeah yeah um this is by the way the this should be one of those things that's like harder to do it should be those things like you got to pull one thing to do another like

it should be harder like a missile key system right yeah captain like we must both use key yeah you should have to make like could matter tense homoerotic eye contact with somebody while you pull that lever right who do we trust with the shit launch codes I will continue. Unaware of his mistake. I don't know how he was unaware of this mistake. Unaware of his mistake, he returns to the kitchen to supervise what he thinks is the pumping of the grease trap. This kitchen has 25 foot ceilings.

That's a great setup. This is important because when the pump man returned to the kitchen, those ceilings, among other things, were being covered in the contents of the pump truck. Pump man tries for 30 seconds or so To plug shit geyser successfully I will tell you that it had to feel like 200 hours Unfortunately he was the pump man Not the plug man You need to call the plug man

Tag that man out for the plug man 30 seconds Seriously he's like I was there for years Proceeds to walk out the back door the kitchen and does not return to the truck. There's this episode of Aquitaine Hunger Forrest. This is O. Henry short story called Pump Man's Last Day. So like, literally pump and dump.

Yeah. There's this episode of Aquitaine Hunger Force where... Thank you to whoever sighed tiredly over... Yeah. This is a man who knows the story of Icarus. Yeah. It was like... I'm not sticking around for the melting wax.

I'm going to skip that part. Yeah, this is like Master Shake being like, that room's dead to me when somebody asked him to clean it. He's just like, nope, done. I'm out. Also, he's doing the right thing here. Do you think your state has a protocol to deal with a restaurant completely flooded with shit? Vermont didn't.

That's the end of the story. I assume they just burn the restaurant down. I would have. Oh, here we go. Let's see who narrated this one. Ray Valard. It was, okay. Renee Oberjeanois.

So while we're wondering if this means you're going to hear the stairs narration again, yeah. While we wait to hear God tell us stairs are real. Ryan, you read one about someone named Nick involved in the parking industry. Yes. I'm going to go back to that exact well. Okay. Nick says, and this is the longest one I think I've ever chosen for a disaster's episode, I usually B-line for the ones that are like one sentence.

But this one has some twists to it. I worked at a retirement community, and one morning the wife of one of our residents went to pull their car up front for her husband. She forgot to put it in park and watched it roll about 100 feet into the field below. She went back inside and told her husband she wasn't feeling well,

and they would skip church that week. End of story. I like where we are so far because any time you can tell someone we're skipping church, you've already improved their day. Any excuse you can find to skip church, put your yes on that table. Sounds like she already let Jesus take the wheel once that morning. Lord, I am letting go and letting God. I see that hand.

God's plan for the car was down there. Who am I, Lord, to. You have placed traveling mercies on that car, Father God, and you have steered it directly into the hedge of protection. Into the providence of lambs, no less. However, maintenance noticed the broken curb, saw the taillight sticking out from the brush, and immediately ran down the hill,

assuming an injured resident would be found. Nerds. To their horror, when they found no one, they assumed the person was disoriented and stumbled away. What about a very small rapture? Ryan, I like where your head's at, but unfortunately we skipped church so we did not make that particular cut.

That abandoned pile of clothes, those clothes weren't ours. Now, fearful that a frightened, wounded elderly person was wandering the forests of Southwest Pennsylvania on a December morning, they called 911. When the campus director sprinted to the residence apartment, she found them sitting at the breakfast table him none the wiser

when asked why did she just leave the car and not tell anyone she explained that she wanted to wait until he had breakfast and coffee so he'd be in a better mood so honey now that you've had some coffee

little thing happened this morning cars downhill God's plan Can I read one that I don't want to sound upon? Scrapple, a drama. Oh, we got Dr. Strange in the house. This is from Chris. I love that this is up here so you all know exactly the distance between what you could have seen tonight and what you're doing instead.

Thank you for putting Benedict Cumberbatch's name on screen. This is from Chris. but so far. And I have no further comment on it. Did you know that when dropped end over end from a height of 18 feet, a unit of 16 foot pressure treated lumber will bounce

over 12 feet in the air. Now we know. This is like the best SAT question ever. We got the yellow fellow writing in? I hope so. I got a short one to bounce us out of that. Jacob. All right, this is kind of three verses, call and response style.

Y'all just respond as your hearts take you to this, because it's a short but poignant story. My co-worker got a DUI in the courthouse parking lot. Not done. Where we work. As attorneys. Thank you, Jacob. Won't he do it?

No further questions. like so your friend asks hey do you know a DUI lawyer and you have to ask now Descript English is a funny thing What do you mean by DUI lawyer Do you mean a lawyer who defends DUIs for other people But one who is a DUI

But lawyer Like DUI lawyer is you Like guerrilla lawyer Yeah be careful if you ask for a gorilla attorney you may get one that's all i want oh god um i have one from uh is donovan here donovan donovan hello donovan we're going to tell your story okay worked at a dishwasher at an off-brand denny's type restaurant like the pancake pantry but worse first of all donovan what was the name of this place oh wait a little is this spelled with two k's

the country cafe has sold out it's gone legit does it have that so the country does it have an oh okay oh oh rich mr rich pants fancy McGee one Saturday the floor drain where the dishwasher dumped all the water stopped draining during breakfast rush which by the way breakfast rush if you've ever waited or worked a restaurant sucks ass nobody wants to work breakfast it's awful and if you've ever worked in a restaurant you know that that floor drain is the worst fucking smell on the planet to be doing with

nobody's tipping especially if it's like church day they're like bless you and that would like a dollar manager refused to close the restaurant during peak hours I love it sure the ship is sinking sir plow forward

yeah I've watched Jurassic Park and I learned nothing we're making money hand over fists out there I'd be a fool to close this place both the line cooks and I worked the whole shift and dirty dishwater coming just up below the ankles that's a shitload of water dude that's a river

that's waiting yeah that's the world's worst kiddie pool I feel like I feel like I'm stating the obvious here but that's a health hazard one very real thing y'all are not in hurricane country But one very real thing that a lot of people don't understand when they moved to flooded country for the first time is that a lot of hospitalizations post-natural disaster are from people who catch, God knows what, waterborne illness from walking around in water like that, which is all of them, all of the illnesses? Well, we'll simply remove the water some way, right? That's right.

Like, this is as dangerous as it is gross, is what I'm trying to say. So Mr. Crabs has them use the push broom to show. shove it out the back door every two to three loads, so it didn't go in the front. Put it in the water table, yeah. Yeah. Because have you seen the profit margin on a pancake? This restaurant can make tens of

dollars over the next hour. Minimum wage! Donovan, thank you for your story. I can't imagine having to bail out a restaurant. Can I tell you of a disaster of sorts that just occurred to me for my time? You went to work a dishwasher and you left a pirate yeah you you did um you're gonna have a fucking peg leg when your

foot rots off so this dishwasher at rio bravo in kentna saw georgia was named and andy andy andy never talked and what he did he sounded like this andy somebody said you don't ever want to stay too late at the restaurant they're like why and they're because just andy's left and nobody would say what the scary thing about being left with andy was and one night bartender was opening with me. I'm his bar back and he comes in and he looks white as a sheet. Like he's just been through like a war. And I was like, what's up man? And he goes, I don't want to come to work today. I was like, what? And he goes, do you know what Andy does late at night? And I was like, oh God, whatever. And he goes, so I walk in last night. And Andy's doing the dishes. And there's one more dish

that he leaves to do as the last one. He goes, what? And he goes, himself. Apparently Andy would at the end of the night, which I get, man. Bray thing? Yeah, he would totally like, he would totally, and nobody had ever seen this. It's called method acting. So what Andy would do is he would take his Braves hat

and he would hang it up over here, right? He would take his Braves hat, he'd hang it up over here, and he'd get completely fucking naked. Because the Braves hat can't get wet. It couldn't. He had to keep it. That's bad last time I did that,

we lost to the fucking Mets. But Andy would sit there and he would soap himself up. and he would wash the last dish which was his own vessel himself and would wash himself off with the spray and apparently my boy john had walked in the bartender had walked in and seen andy completely naked and the sight of andy naked covered in soap posing himself off next to the dishes has so scarred him that like he didn't talk for two or three hours i think he was so moved the male form caught in a beautiful pose as never before i have become dish a washer of myself. From Dan. At ESPN, we had a camera at a World Cup watch party in Chicago's most famous park named after one of America's most famous presidents.

I told the production assistant to write down the name of the park to include in a graphic. SportsCenter wanted that park footage as soon as the game was over, so we worked as quickly as we could. I sat down at my desk to see how it looked on air when I heard the producer.

over the comm system. They misspelled it. They fucking misspelled it. They spelled it like the fucking band. I looked this up. There were articles about this at the time. That's how the sausage is made, folks. This one comes from Jesse.

A lady came into my store with a pet bird. On her shoulder. So many pirates. While my manager explained to her that she couldn't have the bird in the store, the bird flew into the manager's hair. Confidence is a wonderful thing. Because this lady responded, see, that means he doesn't like you.

it's starting any phrase with C C yeah it's not my bird that's the problem it's you that's the problem I know the science there's no birds at the store this thing it doesn't not yet I have a question by the way

if a lady's walking around with a bird why are you talking to her if a lady walks in with a bird she came into their store yeah no I'm just walking out why is there a sign I have never been to a building that says no birds in here. Birds can't read.

That should be implicit. Does she go there that often? If anyone walks in with a bird on their shoulder, that's a universal declaration that you're a fucking pirate and I can open fire. It's also an invitation. Okay, East India Trade Company. If I'm bird lady and I see that sign, I'm like, this is about me. I need to go talk to someone about this.

Have I been here before? Does it matter what kind of store? Because, like, look. If it's an anti-bird store. If you're the manager of a Margaritaville. First of all, my life is awesome. I would bet money for no reason whatsoever, I would bet money that this is Joanne Fabrics. Because they're all kind of filthy on the inside already.

Sure. Like that bird filth. And now we know why. Yeah. But yeah, what kind of story you're saying at a margarita? Yes, but like if I'm walking into the Swarovsky Crystal store, I'd better be really wealthy. Better be like, yeah, he's so wealthy.

He could be weird. Let him have a bird. What about other animals? On my shoulder or in general? I mean, it only says birds. Only says birds. Yeah, I don't know. The most disturbing thing you go walk into the store with as a pet other than the obvious

cartoonish, like, you know. A bull, obviously, idiot. Correct. I've always wanted to do this. I've always wanted to go to a tree. china shop and on a leash bringing in a bull and so he's like no I've heard about this I know what you're

going to say this is Ferdinand he's fine you're like no there's a whole saying about this he's a Sagittarius he's voiced by John Sina it's fine loves to dance does anybody here have a bird that they take out in public

this is Oregon come on okay it's okay nobody I just like imagine imagine being man like I walk around constantly like I don't know what I'm doing I don't know about the direction I've taken in life

his shirt feels weird yeah right like are you fucking Odin but there are other people who are like not only do I feel great about me I'm adding a bird to the whole package say shit you won't

bird be my eyes I need you to scout the room for weak points And if you walk in with the raven on your shoulder You might be Odin So like I got a hedge by beds It will sacrifice my eye For the intel of this Joanne fabrics What if it's like the Beanie Baby store

And he's gonna peck out all the eyes one by one Well that's how they get your soul Everybody knows that That's cat's breathing No that's true That's the ugliest planet I've ever seen That's fucked up They should put that

one back jason do you know uh yeah uh katie all right sorry so many people in this room have been afflicted with that particular ailment um i was a 23 year old justice reporter in bum fuck Arizona uh katie could we narrow that down by chance the name who okay all right the newspaper i worked for banned me from going to one particularly small town in my coverage area, which that's got to be a small fucking town. After a biker gang apparently told folks they were going to kill me over a story I'd written. I didn't hear this from the biker gang, mind you, but from several residents who, I don't know how, came to hear that the gang was after me. That was enough for my publisher to tell me I wasn't allowed to go to that town for a good

long while, not because they cared about me, but because they didn't want to have to pay out my meager life insurance policy. Katie, do you remember, like, what it might have been that drove you and this biker gang at all? You and a whole fucking biker gang. What a badass you are. Like, were you trying to take down the biker gang? No, they were threatening the sheriff's department, which also paid me, and when I tried to

report it to the sheriff's department, they basically told me to go out. Wow. So you were like the lone the lone figure of justice in this anarchic town in which the government and the biker gang were just feuding openly and they both agreed. The only thing they agreed

on was they didn't like you. That's fucking badass. You know that this is a setup for a Jack Reacher story, right? Then a man with hands like turkeys, six foot eight, stormed in the door, dressed in the clothes of a man who steals clothes from goodwill.

And then Katie beat all their asses with the power of journalism. How many bikers do you need to make a gang? At least three, right? Katie, how big is this gang? You know, I never met the gang. They didn't like me to their bar to talk it out. That's so rude. They're too fucking shy.

Phantoms. Show up with a bird, though. I'll freak him to fuck out. I think it's because I think if you have two bikers, then you're just buddies. Sure. That's not scary. Right.

Three bikers might be an accident. I think gang starts at four. Gang of four or more. Yeah. Gang of four. That is a thing. Yeah. I'm going to go four.

I'm going to remember this story. Next time I'm like, people on Twitter weren't nice to me. A biker gang in Wyoming wanted to kill me. I've never had a biker gang and the cops be like, get out of our town forever. Anytime anybody talks shit to me, I'll be like,

I'm a sin fucking Katie after you, man. You. you've been too far so like these are bikers of Wyoming so I'm seeing some definite sons of anarchy type shit right however I'm just wondering

like the funniest thing to me would be if it was a biker gang full of like the wild hogs guys if it was a bunch of like dermatologists in their early 60s who are like Tim Allen is after you yeah we're gonna kill her

right after pickleball we're gonna find her and complain about mash reruns. Our taxes are too high and we want Katie dead. We're going to find it. Imagine if you've been threatened by a biker gang. It turns out it's William H. Macy.

That'd be so terrifying because you're like, I love your work. Why do you want me dead? I have one more. Fire away. This is from Well. was flying cross-country with a client missed the flight

because client showed up at the airport half an hour before boarding with an unleashed dog and a prostitute. What's the problem? Both of whom he wanted to bring with us. Were they ticketed? Airport police disagreed.

Boo. these are my personal items it says one personal item listen who is that the prostitute will fit the overhead compartment and the dog can fit under the seat in front of me

I'll get in the overhead let her have it I'm a gentleman she can have the seat I'll be in the overhead there's the people out there just like like you think you have the manual man no that dude is making up the manual of life as he goes bird bird lady has no

has nothing on this dude what if the bird lady was the prostitute you don't know what a unique sales pitch should be like how will I know who I'm looking for if I'm trying to find her covertly and you're like it's very easy to

find she has a golden eagle on her shoulder is the bird involved in the act of love that's for a fee the bird don't work for free What do you think that what do you think was more alarming to this person? You showed up with a prostitute sex workers work. That's fine.

But also like just get a ticket. Well, it mostly feels like from the context here, if you're flying cross country with a client, I assume that means a legal client. Yeah. I assume that also means like, hey, we have a thing we're going, we're not going, we're not going, you know. This isn't good. We're not going to a burning man. Yeah.

Well, maybe we'll stop there on the way. nose the dog wants to go the dog's fucking pumped man we can just open the door and jump maybe the dogs will witness you ever think about that dog's never seen major laser what I have a feeling this client is like Ted Turner it's like somebody we know right like it's sure it's an actual famous person yeah we do know Ted Turner I sort of also feel like implicitly the client is barefoot this seems to make the most sense that you would show up like George Jones that's what they want it TSA I'm following the rules.

What about the Unleashed dog? I'm following some of the rules. I'll put the dog through the X-ray machine. It's fine. They told me to take my belt off. Hell, I'll go through there. Holy shit, my wallet's in there. Crazy.

I can use a tan. Fuck. Starting to like this guy, the more I talk about him. He's starting to relate to this guy. Starting to. That's because it started with he showed up half an hour before boarding. That's right.

He's just like me. It's fine. From Cam. Boss drug tested everybody on 421. And then had to rehire them all back. When he didn't have any employees left. In the words of the great philosopher Bubba Sparks, they can't arrest us all

all right man I bet 423 was so awesome you know what we're allowed to do now solidarity this is the ID for structure they arrive they attack we fight back it was also that 1175

you were paying us price going up buddy you know why weed we just got more expensive and I'm smoking it on your dime. That's capitalism, baby. All right, sun's melting. We got to go. All right. Bye, all.

Night y'all.