Shutdown Fullcast - Your (and our) Offseason Goals

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

The offseason is upon us, which means it's time for all of us to set goals for ourselves and our teams. Will we achieve them? Probably not, but that will not stop us from doing this all again next year. Go Human Brains! Topics on this episode include: 3:21 - The Fullcast hosts as Pokemon types 4:29 - A tribute to a truly great college football hater 15:41 - Your/Our Offseason Goals! 26:57 - What if Dan Mullen poses nude with a shark? 35:12 - Let’s talk about the White House Burger Spread 48:12 - Ok more of Your Offseason Goals Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Ain't got no games this week. Ain't got nothing to live to talk about. The LSUFootball.net TV schedule is dang near empty until next season. Yeah, that's what we're looking at, y'all. This is the first podcast of the college football offseason. just to go around the horn because occasionally we do like to introduce ourselves

you're listening to the dulcet tones of Spencer Hall whatever I do a DSBS-type person and SB Nation joining me as always around the horn geographically speaking

next to me is Holly Anderson hey that's their job description hey am I supposed to do you want my Are we doing that introduce yourself shit again? No, you just did it.

How often do we do these introductions? Is it like a quarterly review? And it's weirdly always Spencer who wants to talk about, who wants to be the camp. Well, you know why. It's because Spencer doesn't remember our names or what we do. And you are. I'm currently playing Nintendo and cannot really complain. This is that thing where you introduce your partner to somebody and you're like,

oh, this is Sharon because you don't. remember who you're meeting. And so you're hoping your partner will just sort of bail you out. Mm. You know, that one could gracefully just, you know, own that. Yeah. Casio Dog, own that. Ro!

From beautiful Kennesaw, Georgia, we have our college football. Minor Domo, uh, Jason Kirk. Shit. No. I lost baby. That's, again, Holly's introduction is ongoing. It'll just happen like that. Did you see how close I was to the end? Fuck this. Fucking para beetles. Hey, Jason. No, this is good. This is better than anything I had to say.

Yeah, that's Jason's introduction. Fuck shit. Did you see how close I was to get a Yoshi? And then Ryan Nanny in beautiful Brooklyn, New York. Nobody knows what my job is. Nobody has a fucking clue. People. think this podcast is my entire job and that said they really do they do think like uh we pulled listeners a while back and they thought like i think Ryan is Spencer's boss or Jason's boss or they are Ryan's boss okay but beyond the org chart which none of you are right about uh because we don't even know Brian's actual department I don't even think any listeners have any idea what it is no Nobody seems to, and that's fine, you know?

Like, not even the part of the company, let alone what he does there. I, uh, that's fine. We're all in a Mexican standoff of bosses, right? Just one gun pointed at the next day. Approve my vacation request. You approve my vacation request. Well, we know Spencer as a squirtle fan is water type. and Ryan is

City so he's lightning type I'm onion type that's that's grass type battered type that's all a plant I'm not a Pokemon you have to tell me what I am I'm not a Pokemon enthusiast I have to tell me iron type metal type metal type metal type

metal type okay metal type I'll be I accept us and don't know if it's an insult No, no, it's just more about these things, how they counter and interplay. Only one can defeat one other. And it's sort of a paper, rock, scissors kind of thing is what I'm getting at. Jason is stray dog type. That would be a fighting type. Anyway, each of us is the boss of one other and the reports to one other.

And no one can never know. In a managerial Ouroboros. I think it's important that we start the offseason by recognizing greatness as it passed. And that would be in a tweet from at EA Wilkin 25, Ethan nickname, Ethan, unquote, Wilkinson. It's a catchy nickname, Ethan. You sound handsome, Ethan.

He is, he is. And it comes from good stock. How do we know? well the tweet says so just found out my wife's best friend's granddad a lifelong diehard LSU fan watched Alabama lose Monday closed his eyes and passed away at the age of 98 wow what a hate and ass legend we stand a king I like to think I like to think that in his final moments he was like Oh, man, heaven's going to want to hear about this, or hell, either one. No matter which way I'm going, I got news, brother.

Must credit LSU Grandpa. On the way out, hit him with the at channel, fuck Bama. Imagine if somebody did that. That's it. Like on the way out the door, just looking at everybody going, Les Miles, you're cool. Ed Ogeron, you're cool. hey Mike Shula you're cool

Nick Saban fuck you yeah what a what a God what a Titan of men that he even even when they were up merely 3716 said no no no this is like the end of the crucible

but with Boudan yeah more Boudan he did it and he lived in 98 man that was the last thing he all was 44-16. Go tigers in either case. He knew that Dabo's closest friends would all want to hear about this thing as possible. I mean the disciples, you Herbs.

Yeah, come on. Also, Billy Blanks. Yeah. Billy. You know, Downing Thomas was like, okay, I know I have a rep, but did you say, Yeah. I'm sorry, Billy Mays. I'm pretty sure Billy Blanks is still alive. If not, R.I.P. Billy Blanks. Who is the, oh, John Bastow is the other one who was rumored to be dead when the internet was capable of spreading malicious rumors, but not giving you a clean way to debunk them if you wanted to. Yeah, fortunately, we've solved that.

Fortunately, now we just have total information and in missing. information at the same time it's great and that means it's good because balance huh that's i mean really like if that's the last thing you see on the way out you know like if the cheesot bowl had been the last football game i'd ever watched okay like ryan remember when your daughter was born and there was that period of time when we would just amuse ourselves by counting all the things that hadn't happened yet in her world football wise like how her parents have been alive for a Georgia national title yeah that was that was mostly the one that I was thinking about only I thought we promised not to talk about Georgia anymore I sure didn't sign

anything I really wanted to pay proper respects to this man by doing what I want done at my funeral you know I can go Earl sounds like an Earl yeah you know as a as the ranking Earl Authority we will happily claim him oh fair yes yeah I mean, I'm figure... My apologies. No, no, no. I'm merely co-signing. I had Furl gotten.

Yeah. So, you know, I'll just say like Earl Valentine, Chodorot, whatever your name actually was. That's a good one. Yeah. It seems likely that this is the name. That as all LSU fans. And I think a number of college football fans, including myself, want, neck should be played at your funeral. Like a mourn, like a mournful version of neck.

of neck you could do you know you could if you're from Louisiana I think you go full board like the fox injury version of neck yeah

suck that tiger the other version the other possibility is to do Ave Maria but sneaks suck that tiger bitch suck that tiger dig bitch into it oh tiger do

suck that tiger dick bitch suck that tiger dick suck that time you might know near my god to be that's what you really want is for that chorus to come over the top with you know suck that tiger dick bitch you know yeah the most problem

most problematic cheer in all of college actually is it no i don't think so really not It's really not It's absolutely not Florida State's right there y'all Like beastiality is the least of our concerns We have a lot of concerns To be clear

To be clear we have several concerns It's not like three No You know what else isn't like three Alabama trying to kick up Oh Still got it It's more like a one

Big middle finger That's the end of the show Yeah It's more like one goal post Boom I I really Really really do hope though

That you know I hope you all have an end As rewarding as this fans What game What game that's already taken place Would this have been for you, Spencer? I know my answer But I want to hear this

Probably I mean I have a couple of candidates I think the 2017 Tennessee game would have been one. Why? Okay. Right?

The Franks Hail Mary game? Yeah, the Franks Hail Mary game just to have been awful and been like, I'm going to dash the last crappy game I see and then something completely unfair and untoward happens to rob a rival of the only good thing they'll have all season. And then I immediately deceased.

That would have been. been pretty great. Actually, I kind of had the same. I was kind of going on the same instinct there. Like, I did not pick a good game. Yeah. Like, do I want to go out on the national title in 98? I do not. I want to go out on the 2009 Tennessee Georgia game when Jonathan Crompton threw for like 900 yards in Athens. By the way, with Mark Rick Ritt retiring, Lane Kiffin is undefeated all-time versus both him and Steve Spurrier. Suck it, Atheist. I'm picking Florida State, Oregon in the first college football playoff.

That's a spicy meat to ball. Reminder, that's the James Winston throws the ball 15 yards backwards game. Man, I miss that vine. I probably should have checked out during one instead of waiting for it to finish. There would have been the Super Bowl a couple years ago. Yeah.

I don't understand. I should have said, oh, look, 21, oh, I'm out. 283, looking good, buddy. 28 to 3, bye. He never knew. How many Falcons fans would take that deal right now? That's probably like 15 who are like, I got bills due. Screw it, I'll take that deal.

I mean, there's got to be a Falcons fan who died during the Super Bowl. Statistically, yeah. I mean, just think about our caloric intake. cholesterol wise surely there was one who is in heaven just talking so much shit to no here's here's the problem the one who died in the middle was like lord i i know this is heaven and all is possible through you and your awesome power please allow me to see the end of the super bowl and god was like okay i don't know if it's a true falcons fan he gets up there like god please don't tell me what just let me just let me statistically speaking there were also

people out there trying to make decision over whether or not to pull life support from a family member who'd been a falcons fan for a while pull it pull it do it now i don't know y'all i got a feeling dnr do not run falcons offense as opposed to old uncle tater here i got a feeling about this i would i think you also probably could have i could have gone out uh with sheer joy i could have gone out on this game honestly like 44-16 just watching the unexpected happen i'd have been fine with that oh man man or if we talk about the goddamn peach bowl one more time if i could have gone or if i could have gone out with boise state oklahoma and the fiesta bowl that's a good back oh yeah come on man like proposes to the cheerleader and all of a sudden chris meyers is about to talk and ruin the whole moment

with this big stupid head and voice and then i die right there at that spot big stupid head and voice How do you feel after you propose? And she said, yes, you probably feel pretty good. Great question, Chris. It's phenomenal question. So after someday when, like, it's like, North Dakota State beat Notre Dame and the playoff national championship

and one million college football fans died on the spot. Now we'll know why. Because that would be the funniest possible results of any football game, right? Something like that. No, Northwestern. That's too far-fetched.

Sorry. North Dakota State at least has a path. by their full title you've been reading lovecraft son that would mean we'd have to watch northwestern is more of a gibson as they're so eager to tell you true true but yeah i i i think that uh whatever about a snow crash i think any that's that was good though sorry for all our medill grads uh the the order of the evening for those of us still for those of us still for those of us still tethered to this mortal coil. Entering minute 13 of our introduction of this hour-long college football.

Now we're going to hit you at the table of contents, folks. For those of us still unfortunately tethered to life on Earth. Girl, let me get up in them appendices. Yeah. For those, Ryan, we're still on the temporal realm. Yep. Ryan, tell them what you hit the listeners with. I didn't do it.

Jason did. Jason, tell them what you hit the listeners with. Folks, we have an undetermined origin for this thing of which nobody is claiming responsibility. We asked you, the dear listeners, for the things you hope to accomplish this off-season. Your off-season goals. It's a long time of year.

It's the majority of the year, in fact. So what do you hope to get out of it? And what do you hope your team gets out of all this time? I can start us off real quick. I think I plan to run a marathon, say, July, August, something like that. what's the longest you've done before i've done the half okay so it'll get a beautiful tattoo for it if i'm not mistaken yeah so which which one do you want to run probably thought about this somewhere uh i'll have to look at the schedule to see if there's anything official going on at the time

you're not going to run like a freelance marathon i really might i mean you you could kind of uh thing i would do but you you could you could just run the libertarian marathon The Sovereign Citizens Marathon. Sorry, that was me almost falling in some lava. Again. Where it's like, it's a tribute to the original, where it's like I have to run 26 miles to tell the gun shop that the libs are coming or something like that. Yep, that's right. That's exactly what it was in ancient Greece.

And let's see, a goal for my college football team. I hope Kennesaw State continues to schedule no one at all I hope we forever remain the team that does not play a goddamn whiff of a good team until we get beaten in the playoffs I'm very much like going 11-in-1 every year it's awesome I don't know what UCF fans are complaining about

just kick the shit out of terrible teams have a lot of fun for three or four months maybe you win your bowl maybe you don't but that's a dragon that's a dragon I would I was going to cover Can I can I do a reader's one before I do my own Because I think this is a really

This is related to mine Sorry Look y'all got to talk about your fucking video game For like 19 fucking weeks Time to pay the fiddler Rents do Rinse do Taudet Toad's Antifa

I think we can all agree on that Can we have that guy on the show Yeah we need that guy She's black block We've talked about this This is this is canon I wanted to just mention an important one I just beat the cupa that looks like Spencer

Damn I know I'm taking L's and I'm not even playing the game man I didn't even make you Morton calm down At TC internet says One stop losing to nine year olds And Smash Brothers online who call me Peenerbutt

Is that for a resolution for us or for them You know what I'm going to make it a resolution to stop losing to the eight-year-old in my house, who calls me Peter Butt when... Dad-butt. Dad-butt. Yeah. So I'm going to do that.

I'm going to at least good enough to smash. I'm going to resolve to teach your eight-year-old some better burns. Okay. That's because he's going to use him on me because he's probably still going to be. Yeah, that was his, what was it? You let him win in something. And he was like, ha-ha, dad-but. Oh, yeah, never again.

Yeah. Yeah. Now, what did you let him win in? I let him win in a game of what was it oh cars three the combat arena section of cars three and he screen capped it and put ha ha ha ha l-ol dad sucks or something as a screen cap which I was after you let him win I was at the moment like Kentucky fans please send Spencer's screen grabs of the end of the Florida Kentucky game with that written over it Yeah, to 38 Godfrey.

I'm pretty sure he wrote Dad But, which is funnier, I think. Yeah. The other one, he has another goal, which is have fun and make new friends. Go, I.U. Hoosiers. Fun and Indiana. I know. It's basketball season. Yeah. But I wanted to go ahead and be like, you know, that's not a bad goal.

That's manageable. That's small. That's achievable. Right. that you might be able to at least beat you hopefully could beat like at least one nine-year-old and then call them a peener butt. That that's the goal.

So it's my turn? Yes. Wait, you didn't say what yours were though, did you? We're going to come back to mine. Okay. I just had to address I had to address important peener butt news first. My goals for Florida are

I think I think like just Dan Mullen not doing anything catastrophically embarrassing doing nothing memeable if you can just not be memed over the course of the off season

that would be good I realize that like Ryan would you rather have a 10-win season or a meme-free off-season meme-free off-season All right no I want to find the line here 11-win season

11-win season 11-win season yeah 11 wins. Okay, cool. Just making sure. And the personal one, so this is the time of year where, because I'm deeply broken, I get most excited thinking about cool shit we can do over the course of the offseason and next year.

So, like, I don't have anything specific, but I just, like, know in my head this is when we're going to figure out, you know, this is the time of year last year when I just, or a couple years ago when I was like, okay, Loomin Onion, that's the thing I want to do. This is the time of the year last year when I think we started to talk about doing a live show. I am, I am, I'll go ahead and put this out into the universe. If you live near the Lafayette Popeyes and you are willing

to be an emissary and you think that you have sort of the, if you think you can do this in a convincing way, if you're going to show up and, you know. Yeah, Podcat. Damn. And you want to help. us make this happen let me know like if i if i was close i would do it myself but we let's just make this the year we do the Popeye's buffet live show there's a number of you that are under the impression that this hasn't happened because we don't want it to happen that's absolutely not

the case that's false yeah uh so those are those are my goals yeah we've definitely mentioned before that you don't have to tell us that we want this to happen yeah no you're met us? Do you know our feelings about this chicken? So, Spencer, what are yours then? Okay. My goal is one, I would like to read actual books a lot more. Like, I have three or four already sort of like on the docket. I will read them. Not because they're just on my, you know, like, because your books are on the shelf doesn't mean you really have to read them, right? And I have it on the shelf.

Yeah. You know what would help? It could take them off. Take them! so sam do do do do do do so i want to do that what books are on that list oh you know like i got a bunch of like stuff i'm not going to read that's like recommended or prestige and i really should just read what i want to what i meant like today i order you know what i ordered today to read there's a lot of fan fiction that's like in hard uh the kenny stabler autobiography snake like i hell yeah yeah yeah I ordered that hardcover, and I even paid for, like, you know, Amazon two-day shipping because I got to have hot Kenny Stabler stories from, like, the 70s. Oh, they're all hot.

Don't worry. Well, it's South Alabama. It ain't cold. Radioactive. Yeah. And it involves Kenny Stable. Welcome to the new snake. So it's going to be hot.

So I just, like, I want to read a lot more of that. Like, I do actually occasionally my interest intersects something that's like vaguely prestige. I want to read that book about Theranos, the, because I love... Blood something, right? Blood work. I love rich, insane people. Right, yeah, I like, I like books where it were, you know, bad blood. That's the name of it, bad blood.

Is it really? Yes, isn't that great? Wow. That's exactly what you should call that book. Like, don't aim high. I was going to call it in gold blood. You know, my Theranos book. But, you know, I want to read that because it's about idiots losing

money and I was going to say you know that's not Thanos right yeah it's yeah Thanos is starting a blood company a Theranos workout plan what actually yeah no that's an idea you don't actually have to do it you just tell everyone you did it and then you know wait that's oh my god have we've been living in this all along I know we have so but yeah like I want to read that because it's it's idiots losing money and I absolutely that's the best plot for me is idiots lose money or something happens at sea those are if you can combine those if you can really the only two plots. Those are the only, yeah, man has only ever come up with two original plots. And those

are those two plots. This sounds like a fire festival. Yeah, which is why I'm going to watch both of those documentaries. I was going to see, is there a book about this? There's two. There, yes, this, did you see this? Hulu, Hulu beat Netflix. Netflix is dropping. Today is Monday. I think Netflix comes out on Wednesday, and out of, Hulu had announced that they were doing a documentary, but sort of that got lost in the mix and they hadn't released a trailer or anything and today hulu was just like boom here it is fuck you netflix so we have an armageddon deep impact situation with fire festival correct correct docks you know and i'm still going to watch both of them i'll be busy for the next four hours watching both of these documentaries about

the biggest collection i i do know i do know this about the the hulu one it has somebody saying well, when Jha Rule gets involved with something, you know it's real. That's what he's called Jarl real. It's literally, literally the Dave Chappelle joke made real. Yeah, no, that's it, yeah. So that's my goal. My team goal this off-season would be for everybody to just practice a whole bunch of reps and stuff so that, like, so that, you know, they actually know what they're doing on every single.

play and we can actually like you know do a little bit more offensively that'd be cool they were i like that they were fine on offense no they were fine but like reps just go go just practice it sounds like the goal for florida is to have the most boring off season possible yes that's it yeah off the boring is great man nobody gets injured nobody falls off a scooter nobody uh has like an outlandish firearm charge our coach isn't you know recruited away uh you know which is a new concern I know, but he doesn't fuck a shark Yeah, you know what? I don't really care

If Dan Mullen, as long as Dan Mullen's winning He can pose nude with whatever form of marine life he wants to No, I want to be clear, I'm not okay with that You're not okay What if he doesn't in a really boring way? If it's a tasteful campaign for like the Monterey Bay Aquarium, yes He's so good, don't get that Dan Mullen's tasteful moods only

To a Best Western. Yeah. Stayed there for one night. Dan Mullins always been passionate about sea otters. Ah, that's not quite the same as a shark. Yeah, that's a cute little animal. It's a little darker, right? How about a squid?

No, no, no. No, sea otters are assholes. They're terrible. Squids seem like they got a lot of crevices, though. Yeah. Oh, boy. This is getting Japanese, right? Yeah.

Can we, let's just go back to the original purpose of this segment. Yeah. I don't want to be cosmopolitan, fine. I thought we were talking about ambitions, Ryan. Sorry. Boring off-season, read a lot more. I have very, very low, low bars to clear this off-season. These goals are not different from, like, a man in prison

who's just trying to, like, serve out another couple years. I just want to read more and no trouble. That's all I want. Or a guy who's having a house built. Yeah, I got enough going on, all right? We're doing redos, Ryan. Homeownership, the modern prison. Why wouldn't that be your goal then?

Because that's happening whether I wanted to or not. He also doesn't want to jinx it. Like, the minute he says, oh, I want this to happen, his contractor's going to call him and be like, yeah, it turns out your floors were made out of dead ghosts. So we got to replace that. Oh, that sucks. Post of those good live, those live ghost floors, that's what I thought I had.

Live ghosts work, but dead ghosts. Yeah, that's what I thought I had. No, I, yeah, so I don't like to, I don't even like to talk about that. That's how superstitious I am about it. That, like, I don't, it'll be real. Like, I have, I am so pessimistic that I don't actually like to even consider that this is real, that we're going to have a roof, right? Like, no.

This is also your. Approach to Florida football in 2018 and 19, so. So I don't talk about it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud. Yeah. I was just thinking out loud. All right, Jason, you have some submissions from the readers, right? The listeners.

So, yeah, we've all taken a look through these various lists on Twitter and the Reddit. And one, before we get into some others, one group I went to acknowledge is the Bama fans. because you folks don't usually have things to worry about in an off season. If we're being honest, your worries are usually like, oh, we lost 10 draft picks. They deserve it. But usually the Bama fans' concerns are like, oh, we have to replace Steve Sarkesian. You know, like every team has to replace Steve Sarkesian. That happens to every team every year.

Bama fans usually don't have, but right now you do. You kind of do have some problems like that. concerns because you just lost a football game by 28 points. And that is not a thing that teams that are in, that are on excellent footing tend to do. So let's see. Let's just run through them real quick. Marcus R. Jackson on Twitter wants to lose 15 pounds. A lot of people in that boat exiting January and wants to hire some coordinators we keep for at least three years. Hashtag roll tie. Can you imagine Bama having a coordinator for three years? Like, mm-mm. Kirby was there for a while, but But he slept, he slept, he went into hibernation during the offseason, so it didn't add up to full years. Yeah, he was on, he was on that, uh, Georgia time. He went, he went to work at the rallies. That's where he's, he wouldn't work to a seasonal job.

Peeling Alice also on Twitter went to demolish the patriarchy. That's a good offseason goal. Yes. I think you can get that done in like five months. For an Alabama fan. And once Saban needs to stop turning his coaching staff into a home for wayward coaches, sensing a trend here. Hey, there haven't been any rumors about who might join Alabama recently have there? Sark is back, right?

Oh, I thought there was a sexier rumor. Uh-uh. I can't keep track. What else do we have? Oh, I don't know if this is a thing or not, but there were people speculating that Bobby Petrino was joining the staff. Oh That's all we need to say about it That's all we need to say about it

That's enough That is sexy You know like Bear Bryant said Mama call Rammer jammer Help Pine 46 Stephen on Twitter Says wants to lose a pound or two

Maybe read a book Good good standards there Also wants Bama to get in the best shape of their life Stop wasting time in class And study the playbook in more film study more defense in big games hire a few NFL coaches as analysts I like the modest goals there I sort of feel like desperation is setting in here it's good keep these college coaches isn't it great you're down here at the rest of us I like this one a lot with the this is

accompanied with the shocked Pikachu Avi with a Bama hat on him personal goal care about my team less so when they get stomp by Clemson in the national championship, it doesn't hurt as badly as it did. Goal for Bama. Figure out how to not get stomp by Clemson in the national championship as badly as they did. Let's pause on this first. Think about how wild that is that assuming you've been an Alabama fan for a sizable portion of time and all of the good you have seen and all of the success you have enjoyed, that even that, even a historic run of winning in championships and dominance cannot insulate

you from the pain of getting stomped. That's like what happened to your carapus? We're supposed to be great at those. I'm just like, it's a little depressing. All the shit about the history of this sport

and you know, we're piling up banners and trophies and accolades and all that. Like, that's cool and all. But really, when you really boil it down, the only thing that matters is who got their ass kick most recently. Yeah. That's all that's it.

That's it. It's like life, man. Like, go up to a Kentucky fan and talk some shit right now about Florida. They'll laugh in your face. Why? Because they've beaten you once in the last 32 years, but it happened to be this year. Oh, it's a fresh one. Yeah.

Like 31 years, gone. Poof. It never happened. Yeah, they're baked goods. It's like, oh, man, I've had 32 good croissants here. And they're like, yeah, man. Guess what? I have the last one.

I got the last one. It was so fresh. You got to stop eating 32 croissants in one sitting. I do not. You know what? That's the reason I didn't list my resolutions. Yeah, that's the kind of thinking that got us beat by Kentucky, right? You go ahead.

This offseason Florida football, eating all the pastries. Cressant bulk. The bulk bowl. From the Reddit, D-deja-intensity. dude perhaps personal goal record an acoustic album i'm going to assume it's just uh rammer jammer uh ten different ways uh bama goal get better assistant coaches please no sark please hmm about that last last in the bama group from lone star a l on twitter uh personal

goal not eat any more fast food team goal not have the president feed them fast food Well, there's one way to avoid that. That's to let Clemson take that particular bullet because Clemson went to the White House. And in case you were not on college football internet on Monday, the president fed them fast food. Not just fast food, but like the most basic, mediocre. But like D.C.'s the home of five guys. Surely they at least got gigantic burgers. No.

No. The president can't afford to buy a whole football team five guys. Our president poor. I mean That is a lot of money Five guys is real expensive Our resident Thousandaire president

So what I'm unclear about is There was Wendy's at this right It was mostly McDonald's But like There's not a Wendy's The closest Wendy's is like A bit of a drive It wasn't just sort of like

Oh this is nearby And this is easy like so they like drove past all the poppies and no they tore out a library in the white house and put in an in-office wendy's like the little sad sidebucks you see on corporate campuses clearly they got they got a bunker Wendy's like the closest I think the closest White House the closest Wendy's I think it's like 20 minutes away man I know who has the bunker Wendy's though it was built by bainer like Wendy's is an Ohio thing right Yeah, he had one put in at like the congressional bunker. Wendy's put in when, you know, you need to take the edge off after a long night. He's got the skin tone of a man who lives on chicken nuggets, yeah. Yeah, that man's, you know, listen, three marlboroughs, little eye opener and a loaded baked potato. Hey, girl.

I'll buy you a frosty. I don't think we've talked enough about what John Boehner is doing with his life right now. Isn't he a weed lobbyist? Yeah, he's super, super, super chill. bro. He's a weed hustler now. Yeah. Tells you how to get in on the weed business. And I'm like, brother, I have numerous forms of music that have beaten you to this seminar. So of the many things that were humorous about the dinner setup for Clemson's White House visit, what did you all enjoy the most? I know what my personal answer is, but I want to hear from y'all. I enjoy that he was still wearing his really badly tailored coat indoors. sure that was poorly cut so that he just looked like he really does look like a big vacuum cleaner wearing a human skin just brrhr just being Rumba like one of those old ones that's got big canvas bag oh yeah like horrible smelling gasoline powered vacuum cleaner from the caracine powered vacuum

cleaner from the 50s and then slapped with like two feet of lunch meat on either side like surplus lunch meat and cheese. Now I'm upset. Right. And then like and then like a sort of cinth skin pulled over that topped with a few delicate light golden hairs pulled

from a fresh corpse's head. Not a fresh corpse. I'm sorry. Surplus meat and cheese. Here's Wendy's. Yeah. I like that he probably got Wendy's for vegetarians. Yeah that's that is like looking at the spread, the salads. I believe the salads are Wendy's and he has like I think these are like, uh, raps from Wendy's.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. That would get something light. Get it from Wendy's. So he's, like, talking. How did you decide how much to get of what thing in this scenario is what I'm kind of fascinated? Panicked guesswork. He's such a fucking cheap ass. He's like, oh, we'll just get, we'll just get like 20 quarter pounders, 20 quarter pounders of cheese.

He's not cheap. He's poor. Get an armload of salads. So my actual first, oh wait, are we still doing, um, did I, interrupt somebody's thought because I have thoughts. No, please, go ahead. Like, I did a lot of talking in the, in our immediate, uh, aftermath podcast to talk about how so much of Clemson's success owes to what they've done as an institution in terms of

committing to this football program, man, those boys have been eating training table steak for months, if not years at this point, depending on how long they've been on the team. That much fast food is going to upset their seat. systems. I think that this was an act of sabotage on behalf of a president who's secretly pulling for the tide. I will also point this out. Have you ever had to, at the last minute, get a lot of food for people and yourself been hungry and stressed and panicked? Yeah, it's called going to the beach. Yeah, this is exactly what this looked like, right? Like, when dad's got a scramble for food, right, to get dinner for like six kids. I don't know. We're

We're having bacon and ravioli. I don't know. If you've been at that drive-thru speaker and gone, how many hamburgers do you need? And you're just like, I don't know. This is a sin batter routine. I need a cheeseburger and a coat and a cheeseburger in a coat and a cheeseburger and a coat.

Yeah. It's when you go, how many do you need? And the answer in your head, you could say 10 or you could say 70. How many have you got? Yeah. Just keep them coming. Just give me a, I don't know. Just give me a sack.

That's what some, because you don't know. Our sack president. Our man, he's like a crystal sackful in human form. He's like a crystal sackful patroness. If you put up, you say expect a patroness. And that's what pops up. Yeah, quit wizarding. Just quit wizard and Donald Trump.

My favorite is, my favorite thing to think about this scenario is that, so the president eats a lot of fast food normally, but, you know, and people have talked about like what his go-to order is, and it's pretty gross and sounds unpleasant, but whatever. But when that... I don't think I know this. I can look this up. It's like a chocolate shake,

a Big Mac and a filet of fish. Oh. Yeah. The chocolate shake and filet of fish should actually turn to concrete, like in your stomach. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I've got it right here. Okay.

His go-to order is two Big Macs, two filet of fish sandwiches, and a large chocolate shake. So it's just like, it's a lot, it's a lot, but I get, but I get that, they're dead. I know, I get that, somebody goes out and get that, you know, probably a secret service agent or an aid or something goes out, gets the food, and they probably have to do some inspecting of it to make sure that, you know, the president's not going to be poisoned or whatever. but they had to do this for 100 you know hundreds of individual fast like what is that security process like how especially during a government shutdown how are we screening all of this food oh it wasn't no that's what ga's are for no it's absolutely yeah some gays sitting there and it's just like listen i'm going to eat it and if i die in the next two minutes okay somebody's like the things you'll do for clemson football they'll be like would you do that for our president? Hell no. Would you do that for Clemson? Man, hand it over. Do anything for these tigers. They've worked hard. The other thing I like, in some of the photos of like the setup before Clemson got there, you know, there's the president proudly lording over his stacks on stacks on stacks.

But there's also another man who is probably White House staff or who knows what, who's, you know, setting things up and getting the candelabra, all of that. And he's wearing a Tufts. He doesn't have... He doesn't have... He doesn't have the jacket on, but he's got like a bowtie and what looks like a t-shirt, a t-shirt, a t-shirt, a t-suito shirt, rather, and suspended. And I'm like, so this dude woke up this morning and said, it's time to look nice. Clemson's coming to town. Put on a tuxedo and then had to artfully arrange boxes of quarter-pounders and Big Macs. That's amazing. That's that, that's a person, that's a day a real person had. A lot of people compared this spread to the one in Talladega Nights where they're praying to baby Jesus around like Mountain Dew and Wonderbread and Little Caesars. I thought of a different John C. Riley welfare scene, the one where they're wearing tuxes and farting and during a job interview. One last. Yeah. This is just one of the funniest meals anyone has ever come up with.

Yes. To criticize this meal is to ignore the amazing comic quality of it. Yeah. Yeah. Was it appropriate? No. Is it hilarious and therefore good? Sure.

It is the shutdown forecast of state meals. I will say that. You made the Cheez-It Bowl. This is what you give the Cheez-It Bowl champions. think about what every other white house visit and every other era has gone through they go i don't know got some like rubber chicken and you know the president you know remembered he shouted me out you know like hey made a joke about me that was fun and then uh you know we got to look around and then they ushered us out and it was over these guys get to go like man i don't know man we were some busted ass fast food feats with

this morons it's important that they know that grown-ups why here's the other good part so like Business will continue in the government to the extent that it is right now. So that means, like, Chuck Schumer is going to come to the White House in a couple days. And the president is going to hand him a multiple-day-old filet of fish. Here we go. You're going. You're going to sit in the fridge. You know he's not throwing that shit out. He's going to be eating that shit for a week.

Oh, and the intern who went and got this, right, in addition to there being no screening, he's not being reimbursed. not a chance he's sitting on like he's like i don't know i got like 600 700 bucks worth of fast food just gotta invoice that don't invoice it but you got the miles didn't you yeah that's yeah that's yeah but those miles have to be reimbursed by whom the irs that's no you're not getting any and even if you file it it's never getting back to you take it from the sports writers kid we know when you're getting fucked on expenses. The other thing is this. How much money do you think Trump thought this cost?

He was like, that's probably 40 bucks. How much could it be? Either he thought, oh, this is only like $35. Or it was like, it's an $18,000 dinner. Yeah, yeah. You fellas, you're dining big time now. Like, this is what I have on my special day. But that's true.

It's like $100,000. That's true. This is. a special dinner for him they literally are eating like the president didn't say which president oh my god that's what he was doing he was like let me show you the food of my people i can show travelers from far off lands would you like to dine like the most powerful man alive shimmery shining splendor the world is my food court. With just that's windy stacks on it.

Aladdin. You've shown me so many things. God, do you think he was bummed the first time he went to the United Nations and he's like, there's no Panda Express here. This is bullshit.

I think that's a little too spicy for him. I doubt he's ever been to Panda Express. There's no Sabaro? Are you fucking kidding me? I think in his mind, the United Nations is like there's a Chinese McDonald's. There's an Italian McDonald's. There's an Australian McDonald's.

Like how, like consider the people in the room there, Davo still had an amazing time. He's probably like, oh man, the president he gave us McDonald's. It was amazing. I haven't had a happy meal since 1998. Just like us.

I do wish whoever had gotten this food had, as a nod to the internet, just gotten a single Arby's item and put it by itself. Shout out to our buddy, the gurgling cod, who I'm sure had an apoplectic fit when he saw this, go tithers. Hey, that's what college students would want anyway. Well, there's a lot of the things you didn't give them when they visited, okay, that college students would want anyway.

It's just, it's not a good idea. Let's do some more listener, listener aspirations for the offseason. I pulled a couple from our Reddit squad. I'm going to start with this one from appropriately. Give pizza a chance. Personal goal. Finish chemotherapy and hopefully start teacher certification. Yeah, that sounds great.

Good luck with that. We hope it all goes super well. Texas Tech goal, get a sign E named Goose to go along with Maverick and Iceman. Is this true? Yeah, yeah, they... We must research this. Yeah, they do, um, they did, they did add a, uh, a Juko tight end whose name is Travis Kuntz, but he goes by Iceman. He was destined.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. You got to go get, go get the goose. Whoever it is. Find a goose. Even though that doesn't bode well for that person's playing career, but whatever.

Hmm. Um, I... Yeah. Go ahead. I would like to choose this one. This is from at Gord 93. His personal goal is to adopt a horse. I mean, I think that's noble, right?

If you're in a position to support and take care of a horse, I encourage people to do it. That's great. Including emotionally support a horse. No, no lie. Support the hindquarters. They're extremely sensitive animals. And, but comma.

Teach it to place kick. Okay. I support the ambition, and I wish you luck. Don't you dare reign on this man's dream? Why can't a horse have goals? It stops here. That's what I'm saying. Do you know horses have three hearts?

That's three times as many wishes. I question at like three points. It's destiny. I just question whether a horse can have field goals. It's got a regular heart and then a heart for the front legs and a heart for the back legs that's what i'm that's what mike gundy's looking for i want a quarterback with three hearts i saw a snake with three hearts once it's the strongest snake in oklahoma

uh his other goal is to uh is and this is for the team i guess is a 100% field goal percentage by the place kicking horse sir sir sir again i wish you look but if you do get the horse to even place kick perfection seems a bit far fetched. So here's the one downside of this. Being a college kicker now sucks, right? Like, it's a lot of pressure. You have virtually no support. Getting

recruited is a fucking nightmare because college football staffs, you know, they have a special teams coordinator, but half the time, you hear these stories all the time, like, that guy knows nothing about place kicking. And your development in college may be like, here, here's a camera on an iPad, see what

you're doing wrong, and try to fix it on your own. so now on top of this you are kicker a you go to insert school here at your rival school or at another school in the conference there's a fucking horse that's kicking 100% on field goals and now you're being compared to that do you know how much that sucks do you know how much it will suck to have people say hey why do you keep missing field goals when a literal horse can do it yeah but here here's the deal Okay. And this is what I would want to see if a horse actually became a field goal kicker, right? Is I would want a horse to miss a crucial field goal. And for no one to say, well, that's what happens when you make a horse your field goal kicker. Instead, I want everybody to go, ah, college kickers. Glue. That would be a great moment in species of quality. Glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue. You know, when we just bypass it, we're like, we're like, damn it, Chauncy.

God It's been so inconsistent since October It's in his head It's because he can't look straight at the goal Dumbass They got to stare at the That's why you kick on an angle Do you think yeah

I was going to say Do you think the horse is kicking Horses can't kick frontwards They got a face away from the goal Oh you think they're like donkey kicking it I mean Do their knees bend in such a way to allow I don't think the horses have that kind of

hip motion. Does anybody know anything about the hip flexors of horses? Texas A&M fans, please at 38 Godfrey. Actually, yeah, do that. Do that. Send that to Godfrey. A Texas A&M fan has probably written a 42 page paper on this, right? I got my PhD and horse kicking. That's what what animal would be the best kicker, right? Like this is a point of discussion. A donkey. No, I mean, like straight on like if you actually had to kick a field goal. And you have to have forward flexion, right? Or rear kicking, looking back, right? The look back at it technique.

How, how, how, like, if I train an alligator to whip its tail and hit the ball, are we counting that? If you can get it to do it consistently, man. It's a kangaroo, I guess, right? That's a good one. Well, a kangaroo kicks forward, right? Right. I don't know if it can do like a toe kick or it can do like a directional kick, right? Neither can Bama.

I'm going to go with, because I've seen them do this in an attack, I'm going to go with a giraffe because the giraffe has that long lever, right? And I've seen footage of giraffes kicking lions. And if you can kick a lion into the air, which they can do. If you can kick a line, you can kick a ball. I'm guessing that. They can decapitate a lion with a kick. I'm pretty sure they can hit one from 60.

I think an elephant is a good plan for this. And yes, I recognize the Bama joke there. Um, not necessarily because they'll be really good at it, but who the fuck's going to, like, sign up to block a field goal kicked by a fucking elephant? I'm faking every time to the kicker in that case. If the elephant's on the field, we are running the damn balls. What's what we're doing? I don't care. I don't care what it is.

You got to bring it down before it gets to the sticks, kid. I personally don't believe in elephants. Just my opinion. hell you're going to call horse collar it's not even a horse just wrap up okay you ever try to put a collar on a fucking elephant here's the problem somebody's going to do research

do their Edison research should be like ah electrocution that's legal yeah that's you can apparently if you have money you can do that we got Nick Sabin so we're going to go ahead and employ that defense here fucking dark uh okay this is from quiet

Starting now, this got dark. This is from Quietude 38 on our Reddit. Personal goals. Eat better. Meditate more. Stop being such a pain in the ass to deal with for my wife and kids. I mean. No, I mean, that's step one right there.

Yeah. Step one. Yeah. Good self-awareness. Yeah. Goal for Kentucky. Well, you're a Kentucky fan. So you're probably still going to be a pain in the ass for your wife and kids.

Sorry. Proved 2018 wasn't entirely a fluke. that's a good like that's a very reasonable and good goal for your football team especially for Kentucky man have two really good years in a row that's that'd be huge for Kentucky yeah to have two really good years in a row right or to even have a really good followed by a good that would be a lot for that program yes right any kind of consistency like what it what are we talking about like eight wins probably yeah man what like what go eight and five beat the right teams like

You know, you want those, you want those five to fall where you, where they should fall. Right. Right. Lose, lose like a West game because everybody will sort of ignore that. Don't lose to Vanderbilt. Don't lose a road game in the SEC East, right? Yes, right, right. Like, those, those add up.

And as long as you beat the dog off Louisville at the end of the year, I think you're good, man. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You know, keep, and that's going to happen next year because they're not going to be out of the woods for a while. I also have one from Cashlock Personal goal Figure out how people with jobs and kids Make time to play more video games

Do you have any advice here Spencer or Jason To play more video games Yeah when you have a job and you have children I'm gonna give you I'm gonna give you a real pro tip here All right You're gonna have to get up early

the same way the people approach like going to the gym more or whatever what if this is your goal man the only way to get anything done as an adult is to get up earlier that's it right when people go the most effective people who will get up at 5 a.m. no you know what they're doing they're trying to get away from everyone who wants something that's all they're doing right and they're like I'm so happy because for two hours I get up and I just fart in my chair and drink my coffee slowly they're not doing anything you think tim cook's doing anything at apple no no one who makes that much money actually does anything he's sitting there reading auburn 247 okay that's what he's doing he's like i got to get these hot recruiting tips in before people start

emailing me about i don't know chinese tariffs or whatever no right like our profits are down whatever i got to follow up on this important defensive tackle you think they're different They're not different. Gus Malson is what matters most. Yeah, right? He probably wakes up at five. And you know what Tim Cook does? He emails Gus and he's like,

damn it, Gus, what is wrong? What's wrong? Got to get it together, man. And I said in my newsletter. And Gus Mazzon's been up since four. Playing Mario Kart. Yeah, that's right. Sleep is been up since four on a boat,

deep sea fishing. That's right. And playing Super Mario. And thriving. Playing Super Mario card on the switch because he's on boat. That's it. He's got the mobile going.

waste of time yeah no you know what you're going to go to bed early get up early that's fine right you're like oh i'm gonna get more sleep cool go to bed at nine wake up at five play a little red dead too okay so basically act like act like a hyper productive and successful person but actually just you're shifting your schedule so you can play more video games you got to sneak it in on the front end as well yeah depending on what your job is you can also frame this as executive time call a little personal when somebody ask you how you're doing physically be like there's never been a more fit me than me alternatively when somebody asks you how you're doing personally say got it coming out both ends and they won't bother you and you can play video games more yeah also if you feel if you feel in the least guilty about this you know what you can do dead serious get you a cheap treadmill or exercise bike put it right there in front of the TV totally serious I have done this it is do you sit in it no no no No, no, no. Don't say that. It's just there. It's exercise by osmosis. As long as you don't, like, stack hoodies on it and, like, use it as a coat rack, people will assume you use it, and that's just the same as actually using it.

That's true. The goal for Georgia Tech, Cashlock's chosen team, score more than 16 versus Clemson in the season opener slash ACC network debut. Maybe stick to the video game goal. no that's good you outscored bama that's a good goal i think that's a goal for every team that plays clemson next year outscore bama they're losing their whole defensive line what if they give up more than 16 points in like every game this wasn't hard we look back like damn louisville scored more than 60 points i think that's a great goal for every team okay um i like this one Jim Gordon on Twitter this combo

personal goal start biting my nails it's written as start and that's fascinating it's achievable it's very achievable but like can you develop it as a habit I don't know it comes so naturally to me

like I don't feel like you could just pick that up you know you either have it or you don't yeah you've had a long time to refine your technique and ingrain this in your mind is something that champions do oh yeah and have the kind of restraint where you're like Like, no, no, no, not going to bite them today. I need to let these go a little bit.

But sometimes you do go too far, don't you? No, no, this is one of my few actual skills. Yeah. Hi, I'm Spencer Hall. Hi, I'm Spencer Hall, and I'll come bite your nails just right. I will. We have an entire network of people who... This is how we're going to get the charity bowl of this year.

Yeah, just download the app and we'll send somebody to your house. to bite your nails for you Nibble to nubbins.biz Yes Nubbins Use the promo code Spencer 420 Spencer blaze it 420

Thing I found out this week Our Wolf Dick 69 Twitter account is still active Yes They have not taken that away from us now Jack And Nazis Oh yeah

Because Twitter's Twitter is in charge. Because Twitter's all over the keeping it clean side of things. Twitter has pretty much. I had heard, yeah. I see no reason to doubt. Also, Jim wants to leave the ACC for the Big East. I took a look at Jim's account and couldn't figure out what team this refers to.

So let's just say it's... Miami. Miami. Yeah, no, that's who's like reminiscing for the Big East, right? Miami or Virginia Tech. almost everyone actually i actually would like that if miami went independent but said

that they were rejoining the big east miami's like we are the big east who is more eastern than miami if you went right now to like miami pit syracuse louisville west virginia boston college yeah like hey fellas we want to get the band back together don't they all say like you know what yeah that was a lot more fun sometimes winning i guess syracuse would say no we've earned our place

we'll stay here. Right. We're a dominant force in the ACC. After, no, mind you, they did that after like 15 out of 20 of the last years. They have been in the gutter.

They have been in the wilderness. The worst part is Yukon would be like, hey, guys, what about us? They'd be like, later, fuckers. Fuck off. Um, no, you got to win your conference to make the playoff.

They need Yukon. Nobody needs Yukon. Yeah, man. You add Yukon in there. That is a nice stats pattern. Ugh. I'm going, I'm thinking of Jason Stratt here. I mean, think about why the Big Ten added Rutgers.

Was it to add all those TVs? No, it's so you can score 70 points. That's right. And they've had nothing but playoff success since them. Who? You want, man, you want somebody who has got a goal. Like, and I hope you do it. I'm being very serious and I am thoroughly encouraging you to do this.

And at one point, of course, take a branded selfie, you know, encouraging everyone to listen to the shutdown fullcast while you're doing this. You won't because you'll be really, you'll be too busy like puking sports drink up over your handle bars to do this because, although if you're able to do it while puking up sports drink over your handle bars,

that would be very on brand, in my opinion. D.S. Cerec, also known as the Alabama Grammar Nazi. It's a hell of a title, sir. But you repeat yourself. He wants to complete, let's see, the Cheaha Challenge, the Chiaya Challenge, which is, I'm mispronouncing, I'm sure, but is a bike race around Anniston, Alabama, which is pretty hilly, a 100-mile, 10,000 feet of elevation change bike race. Woo!

That's some ambition, y'all. Yeah, that's pukworthy. Yeah, seriously, pukeworthy. And then for his team, as the accomplices. fire matt luke short sweet to the point i like it the focus is what i like here okay

i like that it's an off season goal not a goal for the football season itself right i also like that you gave yourself one hard goal this bicycle race and one easy goal fire the coach everyone hates i know this is amazing we want him fire we want his ass out of here before football season begins i think that means the public records are being rifled through right now. Wait, hold on, at a stable institution like Ole Miss, how could such a thing happen? Does Matt Luke have the most quietly upsetting Spoonerism name in FBS?

Latin mucke. Yeah. Yeah. Mewk. No, it's still, it's still fat Fitzgerald. Is there, how much would an Old Miss fan pay me during the charity drive? to dress up like a raccoon and go through Matt Luke's garbage. Let's find out.

Let's find out. I'll dress up like Tanuki Mario. And I'll go through Matt Luke's garbage looking for anything incriminating. I'll be like, look, I found it. It's half and half. How about we just lease this out as a service? You send Tanuki Spencer anywhere. Oh, this is how we're going to make Charity Bowl money happen.

The problem is Matt Luke's going to look out his window, see Spencer in a Tanuki Mario suit and be like, well, guess we got another new mascot. All right, whatever. They seem to be getting less and less racist, at least. Breaking news, sorry, we've now found out the Landshark is racist.