Shutdown Fullcast - Your College Team as Biblical Character or Story

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

It's time for you to get some religion, and by religion I mean finding the story, character, or book of the Bible that best fits different college teams and entities. We split the good book into different assignments: Ryan leads off with the New Testament, Holly gives us a very personal digression into the Book of Revelation, and Jason takes the Old Testament with a few bonus books. Spencer? Spencer didn't do his homework, and is condemned to Hell. Or possibly saved from Hell because this podcast concept is inherently blasphemous? Unclear.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the shutdown fullcast You can't do it like that for this episode Oh, I'm sorry It needs to be more like welcome to the shutdown forecast Okay, no, no, that's Catholicism We went to some different ass denominations Yeah, yeah, yeah

I don't know what the fuck that is Joined by Holly Anderson No, absolutely no thank you, that's Morrissey You're just doing Morrissey now I don't know what the fuck this is Jason who are these people When the Druid thing was very popular in like 1990s. When an enigma?

Yeah. The bread of bread is life. Wait, enigma was druids? What is life may be bread for life? Because like where I come from, my ancestors, when they say welcome, it's, you know, it's more of a welcome friends. You know, that sort of thing. Yeah. Is this not, because this episode of the shutdown fullcast, by the way, welcome to the internet's only college football podcast.

The only college football podcast. I don't know what the fuck that noise is. Yeah, see, this is when we're going to take you to church. This is a, this is going to be here. No, really, we're taking you to church. We are going to take you to church. You could frankly use it. Because remember what happens on Saturday.

It's forgiven on Sunday. I can't think of anything more relevant to the sport of college football than making bad mistakes on Saturday. And then go into the film room of the spirit on Sunday to examine what your mistakes were, how you could do better, and then come out and practice the rest of the week before the big game. Like an NCAA. investigation confession is mostly voluntary when you think about it absolutely so i'm gonna i'm gonna hand you over to our our senior theologian for a second jason kirk who unlike me went to a church

and can explain exactly what we're going to go into a lot of church yeah i went to a shitload of church yeah i haven't been uh intentionally in a great deal of time but i am still your most qualified steward through the afterlife here on this podcast because i i guarantee you i have have been through an average of at least one church service per week in my lifetime. We went to a damn lot of church, man. And you went to, you grew up Southern Baptist. Yeah, bro. Yeah.

So that's like a lot of. We went to some church-ass church. That's some thick church. That is as church is it. Like you're talking, all right, you're talking you got before church, you got an hour and a half or so of church for kids, which in my experience, the most memorable experience was basically a retired drill sergeant standing up knuckles press. into the table pointing, you know, lots of that going on.

And then you have the actual church. And then, uh, how long does that take, by the way? Boy, it fluctuates. It is, it is hard to call. What's your, what's your minimum you get out of there? Minimum is an hour, but I mean, I'm, I definitely recall it going past noon at times. Um, you know, you're going to have, you're going to have, it depends on how fired up the preacher is about keeping everyone out of hell that day.

Um, it also depends on, I went to a, I'm mostly went to a meg church. Is there some days where he just phones the, like, he's just, like, he's just the goalie phoning it in right like a few of these are going to get by i mean you it's sort of like bubble spark said you can't rest them all yeah so catholic mass is a lot more like saturday night live set time every week a lot of things you're not sure why they're on the cutting room floor institution that you're also not sure why it's still around right at this point in time but you know rakes it money yeah yeah okay important thing yeah well yeah um the baptists i guess it's more like a

I guess I'm thinking in terms of like Hollywood content franchises I don't know maybe it's more like the Fast and Furious franchise you know it's just never know what the fuck's gonna happen like oh oh okay Jetly is here today I swore the plane would have taken off by now but but no

I mean again there are a lot of very expensive planes yeah in the Southern Baptist Jason Statham Southern Baptist Hello hello family So, for lack of anything better to talk about, given that college football is our nation's best sport at going entirely on hiatus. It's our best sport. It's just entirely disappeared.

It's like Captain America. It just went to the ice until we need it again. Yeah, and we don't need it. That's the thing. That's the awesome part. It'll just show back up. It really is America's ass. Given a complete lack of better things to talk about, we're going to talk about.

We're going to talk about the Bible. And that's no offense to the Bible. I realized the way I just put that was very blasphemous. But again, I went to a lot of church. So I'm good. I'm the one he didn't know. He's good. Like me,

I think I've been a church if I average it out, probably once every 48 weeks of my life. You know? Sure. You're sufficiently unchurched. I think, see, I didn't go to church. I was raised Catholic.

Somebody went to church for me. They read church to me. Okay. Right. And the other thing that I learned from the Bible was this. There are maps in the back. I was very disappointed when there were Bibles that did not have maps at other churches

because that was how I got through services. Also, that's how I discovered I could vomit on command every time I wanted to get out of a church service because I was bored, I would just get real nauseated and my parents would go, you're doing this just to get out of church. Oh, God! That's the spirit moved me. They call that the sick motto.

Yeah. He cuted a hole in both shoes. So am I up first? So, you know, we're going to do the college football blogger thing here with the good book, basically. Dear listener,

you'll catch on, and we've decided that we're going to go, we're going to break up chronological a bit. We're going to go in media Reyes, you know the term. Latin. Yeah, thank you. Like the original, whichever, the Aramaic. So Ryan's going to explain

the New Testament for us. Through the lines of college football. Can I ask a clarifying question before we start? I will seek to divine the answers from above. I did not make anybody in college football Jesus. That's good. Are we're comfortable with that? No one really deserves that.

Okay. Liberty's not really in the FBS. Okay. All right. First up, Pontius Pilot. The Roman... Was he the governor of the territory? Basically, yeah.

Basically. You know, didn't want to deal with all of it. A rent-a-cop would be a good way. Really didn't want to deal with the... Proud wanted the problem to not be his. Had a tough choice to make, admittedly. Pontius Pilate is the college football playoff committee. Just wants to watch his hands as he done.

All right. I'm done. Not my fault. You want Michigan State? Fine. All right. You're in Michigan State. That's not fine.

Judas. Judas is scary. Trader. Yeah. Abandoned his colleagues. Abandoned his 12 colleagues. colleagues for silver for promises of riches that didn't pan out no no uh immediately or very shortly thereafter hung himself i believe well and ended up he exploded and condemned to the well

this is more of a dante thing but condemned i think to the innermost circle of hell yeah that's extended universe but close enough to get that's not that's not that's not canon right it's close enough Right. Judas is Nebraska. Saw the promise of wealth abandoning his chosen spot. And how's it worked out for Nebraska? Where did his exploded remains end up in a wide open prairie? Look it up.

Look it up. That is. Actually, this is totally like scriptural. I'm going to make up nothing. Also, getting pasted by a 7 and 5 Wisconsin team in the Big Ted Championship, that's suicide. That's suicide right there. This is one I'm not going to pronounce right. Ananias and Safira.

Sapphira. Safira. Or if I'm just going to go ahead, the Southern Baptist pronunciation would be Safara. Sapphire. Right. So these are two, I think this is an axe or so, to a husband and wife who sold their land

to go towards the new works of the apostles. But they secretly withheld some of the proceeds and when they brought the the small portion to peter peter was basically just like nope god has god has cursed you this is fiesta bowl executive john joker had a sweet gig and just got greedy just got greedy for no reason i like that peter took one look and said no you're you're you're you're actually rich right you got rich in your eyes shouts out to the fiesta bowl by the way for posting a recent picture. I can't remember who posted this.

It was the Fiesta Bowl wine tasting. Yes. Yeah, and banquet. Just, you know, we haven't learned anything. We learned nothing. I would drink branded Fiesta Bowl wine. Oh, 100% because I bet it cost $500 a bottle. Yep.

Barabbas. Oh. The criminal who the crowd encouraged Pilot to spare instead of Jesus. this is UNC not getting any section from the NCAA the thief on the on the neighboring cross who mocks Jesus

our Lord on the cross suffering the ultimate redemption and this asshole is over here talking shit that's a Miami move that's 100% I am saying now it is biblical canon that that was the first instance of somebody saying it's all about

the you and it was granted because the crucifixion it's a wide you literally part of the process of crucifixion is you are cane that's right okay by the way like like a paleo troll

right god of all trolls right is the guy who while being crucified it's like l-o-l yeah John the Baptist paved the way for the coming of the Lord prepared people but in some ways is most famous for his untimely end

being beheaded by a request of, is it Salome? Yes, and on a plate? Yeah. Yeah, having the head. See, I know this because that's a literary reference. That's how I know the Bible. Yes, yes. It's by looking up tiny chunks of it in reference to 19th century poetry.

So accomplished a lot, but ultimately not a champion. That's organ. That's the organ. Head on a plate. Yeah. King Herod. Boot. Are we supposed to, boom?

Yeah, yeah, boo. King Herod, it wins at all, wants to win at any cost. Pretty paranoid. Will, like, we'll stoop to anything, I think. Yeah. This felt like Auburn to me. Like, I think if you told Auburn, like, hey, you can, you can control the Iron Bowl forever.

You just have to kill a lot of children. Mm-hmm. I think Auburn would be like, yeah, man. Oh, it's not. from family they'll just make more you seem you seem like you have a different answer for that one no no that like herod is a is a rich answer the other thing is from one of those ancestry dot com things or whatever uh we we plugged down we found a bunch of stuff me and my dad are mainly like oh let's find what part of scotland our families are from and blah blah blah blah and the next thing

you know bloop doop doop oh we're related to king herod like oh i looked up like hey dad you're related to a bible character he's like oh cool which one I'm like, well, the worst one. Again. A motivated one, a hard worker. Finding out you're related to an Auburn fan. Similar feeling. My brother went to Auburn, full disclosure.

Lazarus, dead for four days, I believe, before Jesus phrases him. Enough to get smelly. That's UAB. That's 100% UAB. Came blazing out of the grave. Right. Matthias, the apostle who, after Jesus' death and resurrection is chosen to replace Judas.

Yeah. This is an obvious conference expansion scenario, but what's important is that while there was some divine conversation that took place, they got down to a couple finalists and then they cast lots. And if that doesn't feel like West Virginia joining the Bswell, I'm not sure what is. That also helps tie them to Judas, Nebraska. Also, keep in mind, this guy was replacing Judas, right? in the gang that spot you're just going to be looked at with a little bit of suspicion and fear

just like west virginia but they're also happy to have you also the bar is real low yeah bars yeah exactly real low hey what's west virginia contruted well let me tell you what they're not doing yeah um paul of tarsis the epistolary is that the word the letter writer I like it now he's he's the Bible's original journalist that's Northwestern as a midulgad

I concur the original journalist also if you read Paul kind of an explainer and a little pedantic a little preachy overwritten all this dude does is he writes like dear Ephesians

right here's some shit you need to correct. Column. Right. Yeah. My column for me. This is what he does. He said my column for the Colossians.

He's a little, he's a little Mike Wilbonny. Right. And if that's, if that's what we're going for here, then yeah, Paul and Paul and Willbon when he's like, none of you have dressed correctly. Dude, you want to talk about column inches. This dude's word count in the Bible is like, okay, buddy. Let's just listen, Moses did this much and you did this much, sir. Father to people, but I put up blog posts.

But I blogged my. Man, the amount of content is degenerated. Oh, yeah, 100%. With Alex Kirchner of the Bible. Simon Magus. I did not know the Bible had a recognized magician. A wizard of sorts. In this case, this is a man who, also after the death of Christ,

went to Peter and basically tried to buy the power of the Holy Spirit, was like this would be good for my my routine that's Houston just showing off your money and yeah that will buy literally anything right the prodigal son uh spend thrift bad decision maker but still comes out on top Ohio State Ohio State is the prodigal son over and over Every coach who leaves Under shit circumstances And yet Ohio State is like I'm back

Let's slaughter some cows I need protein Hey bitches I'm bulking up Yeah they'll be back to the playoff someday Yeah Thomas Oh

The doubter The questioner Thomas don't play When you think of When you think of a fan base That looks at what we know to be true about college football And cast doubt upon it

Michigan. Michigan is constantly, well, I don't, show me, show me that players are getting, show me that we're paying players. I have Michigan has a two seat for Paul of Tarsus. Yeah? Yeah, that's, this fits. I also thought about making Tennessee, Thomas,

just because they always want. We're going to get to Tennessee in a little bit. Okay, I'll leave it a lot. There's actually a whole book about Tennessee. You'll never guess which one it is. The Good Samaritan. It's not Acts. The Good Samaritan is the Big Ten.

because the beaten man is Rutgers. Others saw him on the road and quite reasonably passed by, but the Big Ten did the charitable thing. He's coming with us. He's coming with us, and we'll pay his expenses. We will lose money. We will never stop letting you know how virtuous they are. Yeah.

And they should, they should sort of spin it this way, honestly. Going forward, it's like, listen, man, yeah, Ruckers isn't good for the conference, but we did a good thing. Look how much money we're losing. on it though. Everyone else was like, we thought they were dead. Simon Peter did many things in the Bible, but I think the thing I will always stick to is cut off a police officer's ear with a sword. Hell yeah. Oh.

That's a Florida move. No, that's a year. That's 100% of Florida move. 100%. And like, in a way that it's, I mean, I'm kind of reading into it here, but it's very clearly an overreaction where they're just sort of like, we're here to arrest you. but we're not like it's not like a gun battle or something Simon Peters is like you're right it's not a gun battle

also if you want if you want a Florida man if you want a drug reference his nickname of course is the Rock yeah yeah so like that's also by the way like a very Florida thing to be like who draws a sword in that circumstance why did you have that what the hell and my last one this is not a person it's a story the wedding at Cana, friends, there is no fan base that would celebrate a miracle like more wine than Washington's state. God is real!

So, yeah, that's my retelling of the New Testament, at least the portions I got to or felt somewhat comfortable being damned for being associated with college football teams or entities. Also, not, can you, how many people do you think can name all the apostles? There's a lot. Jason. No. I think eventually.

I couldn't do them in order. Oh, I could get two. You could get two? Four of them literally wrote the books. Yeah, no, like, seriously, you're really, you're asking if Spencer did the reading? Yeah, that's fair. There's a lot of double news to. Where do you think I learned not to do the reading?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Another good point. I think the New Testament is, is, is, is, I think you've done about as many actual characters as it has. Like, it's heavy on advice. Right.

It's not heavy on stories. Like, there's stories about Jesus, but it's the same story told four times in a row. And then it's this dude, Paul, just getting these takes off. And there's a lot of, like, what was I going to do with Mary Magdalene? You know, there's a lot of people you're just like, I can't drag them into college football. Yeah, she doesn't deserve this. Yeah. Also, like, am I correct that Ecclesiastes is a New Testament book?

That's mine. That's your list. I'll be doing the... We'll be getting to the Old Testament, folks. We're going out of order. It's fine. Nobody knows when this shit was actually written anyway. Yeah, that's fine.

Shut out Constantinians. Yeah, all you. We had... Up next, we had either Spencer or Holly. I thought I was supposed to go next and Spencer was just supposed to be funny throughout. That's what I'm supposed to do. Okay.

I mean, why start now? I'm glad we've established this at this point. So, dear listener, here is my favorite. part of this episode is the joke was going to be Spencer doesn't know anything about the Bible so he was going to read the wrong Bible like the Spencer forgot to pick which the bass fisher Bible the Monster Truck Bible the and not even that happened no not even okay okay then did all four of us proceed to forget that we were podcasting today yeah the collected Zelda the bigger on of college football the minish cap is not considered to be part

of the sacred text of Zelda. All right, we'll do this soon. We'll do that. That's an episode. Let me put that in the spreadsheet. Yeah, just put that in the spreadsheet. So going through the New Testament, right? We've gone through zipped through the Gospels, at least the parts that we don't feel

we will be struck by lightning for. We've zipped through the bulk of it, which is just Paul getting off tape. There's more of the New Testament, though, right? I mean, the whole, I will say the whole Palm Sunday to Easter thing is a very good metaphor for, like, being a coach. Hooray, he's here. Get him out of him. A week later. I hate him. I never loved him. I never believed in him. And then he wins the egg ball. He has risen. Yeah. So to close out the New Testament, however, you got the best book in the entire thing. It's time to raise some bloody thundering, crumbling mountains of blood. Brutual. Brothers and sisters, I'd like to welcome you to this week's shutdown full cast vacation.

Bible school Bible study edition of the book of Revelation. Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. All right. I will now proceed to give you seven or eight points that illustrate why this is the book of Tennessee football. Lesson number one. Jesus is coming again.

We teach our children the plan of salvation focusing on repentance and living right, which is all great. And we press the theme over and over again that salvation, salvation will return. However, we also teach them that the said salvation will be accompanied by the end of the world. And this information is treated as exciting. I don't feel like I need to draw a line. You're just nodding in recognition of every Tennessee person you know, right? Yeah. We're all in the same room, by the way, which never happens. We want to win a national title and not have to defend it. What have I always said I want from Twitter, except for a million followers and no mentions.

We're going to win a Natty and then leave for 1,000 years. Point two. Even the elect could be deceived. The loveless church, the corrupt church, the compromising church, the dead church, and the lukewarm church are some of the labels given to the seven churches that are prophesied about in the book of Revelations. What does that say to you except in reverse order, Jeremy Pruitt, Boch Jones, Derek Dooley, Lane Kiffin, and Phil Fulmer?

Wow. The Bible also says that people will call righteous things, people will call things righteous that are actually evil. And that which is evil, they will call righteous. So Lane Kiffin and Phil Palmer. Correct. Point three, the mark of the beast. The mark of the beast required of all people who wish to buy or sell anything.

Clearly those little hologram stickers. Yeah. Point four. And I'm going to dip back a little bit into Matthew and Acts. There will be many proclaiming that Jesus has already come. right there are many people right now uh some of them we work with who can make a very strong case for the fact that uh the end of the world has already passed sure and then our so our salvation will never come again one thing that everybody is sure about however point five there will be

worldwide suffering wars rumors of wars drought death famine pestilence earthquakes that's like a monday morning on a tennessee message yeah that's a coaching search yeah that's yeah that's we almost hired Dave Doran. We almost hired Greg Shiano. I'd like to hire this bag of cursed locusts. Oh, it took another job. Damn it.

Actually, Greg Shiano actually did bring pestilence, didn't they? Lakeofire.net reports Mike Leach has an offer. We already had pestilence. We already did that. You can't spell pestilence without a big old tea in the middle. Play the hits. We had staff under Dooley.

This already happened. All right. Number six. important point, there will be suffering among the saints of gods. So Christian leaders teach that following God's laws means that good things will happen to us. If you're raised on Rocky-Tot, this is clearly bullshit. However, unless you read the book of Revelations, in which, according to Revelation, the world would be topsy-turvy. And in this upside-down world, righteousness reaps negative consequences and evil reaps positive consequences. And look at every

bad thing that's happened since we started scheduling one AA team. I was going to say, This also explains Vanderbilt being on top of that rivalry. Let me tell you about James Franklin and how the Antichrist is going to be beautiful. It says so so many times they're in the book. You know, there were a lot of people as a young Baptist boy. There was an entire industry about the year 2000 being the end of the world. When did the Falls win that national title? Incidentally, on New Year's Eve, 2000, I was at a seventh day Adventist lock-in because it seemed like the safest place.

Damn. Yeah. That's some Tennessee shit. Hey, Shane. All right. Last point. The importance of being a prepper, which is in the Bible. Right.

Okay, I'm going to dip back a little bit into some Matthew and some Luke for those of you who are following along at home. Jesus said we should prepare, right? And he told a lot of parables to this effect, including the parable of the wise and foolish versions in which there are these five ladies who have enough oil for their lamps to light their journey to this wedding feast. And then there's five women who did not have enough oil for their lamps and had to stop off and buy some and God shut them out into outer darkness. This is God telling you, you don't

have time to go to Cabela's when the end strikes. You have to have your generator filled up at home. You can't count on proximity to the Bass Pro Shop's pyramid to spare you from doom. None shall know the hour. Goals. And thank you for coming to my Tennessee time. That was incredible. Well done. Get your ass in the truck. I learned it by watching Jason. Wow. So I would also point out that if you're the seven false churches. It's how many you have an indivision in the SEC, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Those are all false churches. Those are all adjectives to describe Columbia, Missouri, or Columbia, South Carolina. Agreed. Except, well, no, Columbia, South Carolina has never been lukewarm. Kentucky's the lukewarm church. Oh, God. Yay, football. Half hot, half cold, yeah.

Basketball! Tennessee's fight song is played by seven trumpets. Those of you have done the reading, you'll get it. Don't laugh, Spencer. It's not you. Spencer, did you have anything? Oh, no, I've got nothing. We're talking about religion. I've said literally all the words I know about religion.

I was really hoping there actually was going to be a saltwater fisherman's Bible because I wanted to hear what it said. And God said on the seventh day, I've hit my crappy limit. I assume it's stuff about like how to trick your wife and to letting you go fishing. This is going to be the secret to like efficient normal length full cast episodes is one. of us just forgets to do anything. Thanks. We'll just constantly do topics we don't know about, such as football. Yep. Science. So, let's take it back to the beginning. The beginning of what, Jason? We're going to go literally to the beginning, roughly when the

universe is created about 6,000 years ago. Shout out all our friends of Baylor. What I have prepared, we're going to go book by book through the Old Testament. The Protestant Old Testament, and then some, by the way. There are many different... Wait, are we going tribulation? Tribulation was in your book, as a matter of fact. I don't know. Are we veering?

No, no, I'm going entirely old testament. Okay, because I dip back some into yours. There are various Old Testament. There are various versions of the Old Testament. I'll put it like that. We're going to start in Genesis. We're going to spend a little extra time in Genesis, and then we'll go one school per book roughly.

Genesis is the first book, right? Because the last thing is... Very good. Yeah. Yeah. So, in fact, Genesis, we're going to literally start with... So like Phil Collins as a drummer. Okay.

In the beginning. Yeah, that's how we start. See, now we're talking about things like that. Oh, okay. All right. So Genesis, the creation story is we're going to stick to what we know. The creation story. The creation story is Tennessee.

Why? Because nobody's going to be doing any work on Sundays. Oh. Next. What happens next? It's true. Peyton's retired. I can't.

Next. A dude builds a boat, a big-ass boat in his backyard, Ryan's favorite. Sorry. Fills it up with meat, exotic meat. Then he gets his ass blind drunk. LSU,

go tigers. Go tigers. I really thought Rutgers was going to be Adam just because it was like, technically you were first and there wasn't much competition for a championship.

So good job. Ruckers is coming up soon. Okay, good. Yeah, by the way, now I'm just seeing Noah like going play neck. Sograb tag up deck. I did.

I did on day 3.42. How do we get this far into the show without Ryan bringing up Noah? I'm being disciplined. Because he had the new. That's why I got the New Testament. We cordoned him off. So then I won't go on a Noah.

Sojourn. Up next, we have a completely pointless project in the middle of a big flat stretch of land. It is doomed to fail once everyone realizes nobody is talking about the same thing. It's like they're not even speaking the same language. We all know, as soon as they realize this, they're just going to disperse elsewhere across the map. Of course, the Tower of Babel is the Big 12 conference. Sodom and Gomorrah. That's what they should call

wherever the Long War Network is based out of. Sodom and Gamora. Not rivals, though. So, so, Saddam and Gamora, what was the downfall? Do we have any? They all like fucked each other to death. Right, okay.

Their insane horniness is what it's chalked up to. No, literally, y'all, the Bible is lit. But later in the book, it says it was actually their arrogance and not their horniness. But this is fun. because either way, this is Hugh Freeze. Horniness is fine. This is Hugh Freeze either way.

But humble horniness. Pious horniness. Devout horniness. When when when when when when we're reading into the mic for that one. Lot said hornyness. Lot said please Lord if you find any of these young men in Sodom and Gomorrah, please forward it to compliance at omis.edu. And God said I there.

Yeah. I got nothing. And God said I got nothing, the Ole Miss story. Yep. Next up, Rutgers. Rutgers, of course, is Abraham. Because it's the father of the sport? No, no. Because its people are destined to suffer for 400 years before they finally win. There are only 250 to go.

We're done with the book of Genesis. We're moving on to Exodus. in Exodus, Colorado takes a real chill hike in the hills and it lets the burning bush show at its place in the universe and like, and it's just very super chill. I mean, like Colorado learns a lot from this plant that's on fire. Yeah, no, I think that's correct. Leviticus, it is very long lists of elaborate rules that are hard to remember on how to smoke meat,

not have, you got it right away. I got four more to go. Let's keep going. Not have hippie haircuts. Wear matching uniforms. Connect, connect. And make sure ladies sit only where they're allowed to sit. They also have an innate distrust of shellfish, as I understand.

That they do. It's very landlocked. Don't eat the bats. There's probably a whole thing about like not trusting cows. I mean, that was back in Genesis. The book of numbers, Georgia Tech. It's it, done. No way, we can do better.

So there's a part where a donkey starts preaching, right? Right. A jackass has things to say. Liberty. All right? Okay. Done. Next up, Deuteronomy.

That's Notre Dame because Moses goes to the middle of nowhere to become a really good lawyer, but then he doesn't win for like 40 years. Right. That was the Torah. All right. Let's move on to the history. Also, Notre Dame is like Little Tikes, Christianity.

First up, the book of Joshua. Nothing? Nothing. So, in Joshua, Oklahoma goes across a river to steal gold from people who worship a bull god. Oklahoma. That's Oklahoma. The book of judges, Harvard, fuck them.

The book of Ruth, it's good. This is, if you don't like murder and war and blood and law. read the book of Ruth. It's the palate cleanser. It's this delightful story of friendship between grown-up women. And there's friendships and genuine love across class lines and legal technicalities. And you find out Jesus is partially descended from an immigrant. And like, it's wholesome.

And it's way too wholesome to be compared to football. This is college softball. Oh, that's great. It's wonderful. It's heartwarming. First and second Samuel. All right. So there is this goofy little dork.

who only gets a good job because he makes people happy and then he chops Goliath's head off. Okay. Clemson. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

On that same line. First and second Kings, this is the Big Ten. There is this super rich, smart guy. We'll call him Jim Delaney Solomon. He runs this group of factions territories that when they finally face some actual competition, they get their asses kicked by the, say,

Bamalonians. Oh, my God. No, it gets worse. King Nebuchlimnezzar. Hmm? Mm-hmm. All right. Let's move on to first and second chronicle.

Oh, wait. First and King, this is the book with... Are we getting into the Bama Robic Code? Was Solomon the one who wanted to divide the child? Yeah, because he was so smart. That's leaders of legends right there. No, that's how we all get our own Sabin assistant. Oh.

Wait, Jason, are we getting into the Bamborabic Code? Yes. Yeah, actually, yeah. That was better than what I had. That's good. We'll go with that. Spencer, that's not a... real thing. It's a pun that I made. Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right. Thank you. That's better than one I had. It's a fun that I'm off two different things. First and Second King does have the one Bible story Spencer knows. You know what I'm talking about? No. It's the one where 42 teens roast a bald guy. So he makes bears eat them. Yeah. They roast the wrong bald magician. So he's like, fuck you. And bears eat 42 teenagers. And it's that they just move on to the next verse. This is the, yeah, when people people say, what's the Bible about? I'm like, it's about teens roasting a bald guy. So bears

destroy them and devour them. And that's really what you should take away. Because that's what God wanted. That's what God wanted. So just to say, the teens who roast me, it's coming. It's coming. It's coming, you bitches. I think you might be the bear. That's fine. I'm the bear. I see this is inspirational. I have a purpose in life. And it's to eat the teens. Hey, you leave God for you alone. Harry Alex and Richard Stop making fun of God for him First and Second Chronicles There is not much to it

other than reciting coaching tree information This is the Begat, Begat, Begat, Begat, Begat, Begat, Begat book This is Miami of Ohio, of course Woody Hayes, Begat Bochum, Begat, so on and so forth It's thrilling read. Ezra, the book of Ezra, most of it is about rebuilding temple okay that's a college football team

you understand Nehemiah this is a tricky one it's about this cool guy who has a really good job in Persia and he keeps leaving to help rebuild Jerusalem and like if you have an example of a college football institution that acts out of not self-interest

it goes here I couldn't think of one so a giving college football yeah a college football institution that like thinks of others first oh that's is that Cincinnati just constantly being like here no man that's Texas Tech

like here you go NFL yeah and also we will rebuild the Arizona car and also points we give a few points and we give with you our yards right oh yeah yeah that's good Texas Tech's defense is the book of Nehemiah yeah I like that

also turnover luck is definitely in the Bible actually Nehemiah the tricky thing is what he's rebuilding in Jerusalem is walls Texas Tech Defense does not have died. But where is Texas Tech located? Middle of nowhere.

Yeah. Yeah. Desert. We'll say that. Right. The book of Esther, there's a guy name. His name is spelled H-A-M-A-N. Let's call him Ham-Man. All right. Right. He swears he's on the verge of victory, but next thing you know, 70,000 of his people have died. Who big! Right.

Those are the history books. I love how history starts with like a guy gets murdered, and it ends with 70,000 people get murdered. Ham-Man, thank you, ma'am. it's time for the wisdom books the book of Job this is one I believe we know it's an over the top dark comedy about God making a bet with Satan

on how much pain a nice guy can endure Michigan that sounds like just how a Michigan man would describe it too this was also Purdue for a long stretch yeah yeah yeah it was like oh can we just kill them already come on this is maybe the most guy in your MFA

book of the Bible but this also might be Yukon football at this point where it's like what happening to Yukon is just like come on this is just sadistic how did you con football end up inside oh god Jesus Satan's like surely they can't handle giving up 600 points don't break and God's like you'll see you'll see you'll see they'll keep division one football

they'll suit up again next year so committed to division one football that they'll suffer all of this and more um Paul Pasquilone of course not though yeah they will the book of psalms I have two one is USC because it's the same song played 150 times in a row yeah the other is Iowa State because this is a lot of thoughts about

animal husbandry the book of proverbs it's lots of like quippy quips that are handed down throughout generation Steve Spurrier yeah yeah the book of Ecclesiastes near and dear this is a top five

book in the entire Bible this is one everyone should read this is the most Twitter book of the Bible, all right? Nothing matters. No one knows anything. The past sucks. The future sucks. The present is a march to the grave. Death is fine. Express all your emotions via Burger King boxes. This is the Pitt Panthers. I was going to suggest that the quizzical and often contradictory wisdom contained in Ecclesiastes would be the book of Ecclesiastes. So it would be, it would be nothing but one long rambling Mike Leach press

conference. What is he talking about? Funny thing about Solomon. Yeah. Oh, man. Mike Leach, let's see. I'll tell you, I think it's Ecclesiastes. Like, I have no authority here, but I've read Ecclesiastes. And I just think the whole like, hey, death's good, life's good. It's all kind of crazy. I think we might give him one of the history books where he's like just a story leads into a story. There's no transition.

Here's the thing about beheading Hollifernice. Funny thing about the Persians. Next up, the Song of Solomon. Are we familiar with this one at all? Yeah, yeah, it's the horny one. Yeah, this is the junior high, good book of the Bible. Yeah, this is Arizona State. Next up, a section, this is...

There are a lot, oh, man, I had a Bambi joke in there that is lacking in both taste and wit. That has never stopped us before. This section is called The Major Prophets. There's some very good content in here. Isaiah and Jeremiah were putting these two books together. These are, they're so long. Like, there's just like 120 chapters between these two books.

It's when the CBS games goes to overtime because, like, there's a little. a lot of really good moments, but I am not sitting through all this. The Book of Lamentations. There's this really sad guy who wants you to read his poetry about he's pining for the days of yore. Like, I think this is Ole Miss. Virginia attacks some years. Yeah, maybe more in the future coming years. The book of Ezekiel, super fucking metal. This dude trips real hard. And he sees visions of like valleys full of skeletons coming back to life and the evil empires finally collapse and like it opens the very first chapter is he's seeing God in the figure of a being that's part cat and part eagle.

War Eagle, right? Yeah. The Auburn Eagle Tigers. Next up is Daniel, which is the second medalist book behind Only Revelations itself. And it has deleted scenes. There is a deleted scene. This is real. All right.

I'm not making a word of this up where Daniel, the titular character, kills a Babylon. dragon god by tricking it into eating hairy tar cake until it explodes okay i didn't write it wow harry tar cake of course sounds like something they would eat in ohio yeah is ohio state yeah also they would eat it until they would eat it at gnc it's probably got cut up listen listen you know you just have to get it from a friend this is this is one of those things that you crumble ritz crackers and cut up hot dogs on and bring to the bring to the fellowship hall like dude The gains are insane. It made me explode.

I got a friend who goes down to, like, Jordan, you know, every three months. It made my buddy fucking burst. Yeah. You got so fucking spoiled. So sick. So small. There's parts of them all over the driveway. It's just insulting all of our prep when you reveal your actual knowledge of this material.

Yes, it's horrible. He just named a location. I just picked a place off the map of the Middle East. I mean, let's not get too far into my knowledge of the Holy Land. Okay. Okay. My buddy went to Kuwait. the next 12 books they are called the lesser prophets that's mean i didn't pick the name however

it's like calling them a mid major right we're gonna do them all at once they are 12 relatively inconsequential entities who do some weird stuff and then do nothing of consequence for decades but still get to be part of the main story anyway hello pack 12 conference that is the end of the protestant canon bible are we done no there's a non-canon book called The Book of Enoch. It's got, again, I am summarizing, a gang of rebel angels who defect to earth and raise an army of giant human offspring

who eat people and then eat each other and God gets super pissed about it and he buries the leaders of the rebel angels in the desert in a pit called God's cauldron and he says, you're going to stay there until I make hell. It's awesome. Didn't they make a movie about this?

It sounds like Diablo 3 to me. Oh, wait, I know what movie you're thinking of. The Paul Bettany movie? It's like 20-25 years. There's a late 90s. There's a crap person that walks on the ceiling. It's like late 90s. Hang on.

I'm going to find it. Carry on. Pastor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what movie you're talking about. Spirited away. It's about the Nephilims who are, basically this is the rogue one of the nephalims who are briefly mentioned in Genesis.

Nephilim, of course, is the offspring of a human and a demon. But now we get a whole book about these. Legion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, man.

That's your assigned viewing. That's the film for this class. The book of Enoch has a blasphemous calendar. Don't ask me how. Enoch's awesome. He pulled it off. Retails the whole story of the Old Testament using animal metaphors that write directly to the gang of Rebellate.

Anyways, it's a shame all this fucking awesomeness isn't allowed to be a part of the main story. Apocryful. This is Boise State. Like, this shit is so awesome. It should be part of this story. Flipside. There's a book called Tobit.

Tobit is this weird dude who goes blind because the bird shits in his eyes that's how it starts. Relatable. Things that could happen in the past we're all bad. All of them. This is Florida State losing to Boston College.

But Tobit with the bird shit in his eyes he tells the stories about his son who is trying to marry his cousin sure but can't because she has a demon that murders all her husbands on her wedding night. Oh, goals.

Which might not be a bad idea. So what does, what does Tobit's son do? He smears fish guts everywhere around their wedding bed so that the demon is too grossed out to murder him. And then they fuck on the bed surrounded by fish guts. Okay? Everything was awesome at the time. I thought we already did at LSU. Then he takes the fish guts and he rubs at him Tobit's eyes and now Tobit can see again.

He cleans all the bird shit out with the fish guts that he fucked his wife amongst. All right. So Washington tailgate is awesome. Yeah. Yeah. this is some serious like Seattle Polly kind of thing right when you're like

Hey you know remember my friend to move there like 15 years ago Yeah He and subhusband Dave Really enjoyed their marriage With their wife Rehanna 4-5 Beta Who also has a wife

And three other sub-husbands Susan she's lovely Susan they're great people You should go I got to Is that what Seattle Polytech means That is exactly what what Seattle Polytech means. That happens to

everybody who moves the Pacific Northwest from somewhere else. Weird. Yeah. Do you want to go to the S&M club? It's really not as athletic as it sounds. There's some very winded people down there. So the best part about this insane work of literature is that it

is canon according to like all of the major councils. Like the Catholics kept over and over like so, what are we going to do about Tobit? They're like, yeah, that's in. That's good. It's cool. Tobe. Tobit's in there. Keep it. Keep it till the next cut. every hundred years they're like yeah tob it stays so this book is canon according to uh all the metrics it's undefeated it has your transitive win over alabama over georgia like this book should

be in but it's not it's ucf also there's dead fish everywhere right yeah yeah yeah i was gonna say that's also a very orlando thing hey so you remember subhusband todd you went back to orlando and uh turns out orlando's got like a real good scene it's nuts All those Disney people, they're free. They leave the costumes on. Yeah, it's cooler than it sounds. But also much worse. So my daddy, a bird shit in his eyes.

But we saw a doctor. Well, yeah, exactly. You know, over in Lake County, they ain't got much. All those stories that starts, well, well, so I've seen this girl. She's my cousin. She had a demon, second, second. She had a demon, all right. Listen, those co-pays are bullshit.

I got fished in the background. Come on. not going to no damn hospital solving solving problems with fish innards is definitely if this don't fix it nothing will smearing it on everything i put fit dead fish on everything i got two more uh Alabama is the Ethiopian Orthodox Church all right we're going to get some emails how am I going to land this one just watch first they got a lot of elephants sullenberger or the shut down full cast. They got a lot of elephants, all right?

Second, they consider absolutely everything to be canon. Okay? If you claim a 1941 national title based on your AP number 20 ranking and the book of Deke Holgate, you're kind of like the Ethiopian church. They have 81 books in their Bible. There's a lot of these books you click and they're like, this is not canon, except in Ethiopia. Championship.

Ethiopia likes content. Finally, their most famous emperor was a messianic figure who stood five foot two. Okay. I don't understand that reference. Finally, are you familiar with the fourth book of Maccabees? No. No. It's not a story of Jedi.

I would have told you. So this is, this is honestly Jason's most awe-inspiring performance. This is, this is as not canon as a barely canon book can get. Basically, this book and everything I'm about to say is completely true through the end of the sentence. This book basically repeats a more. more successful book tries to replicate the success of a book that came before it, and it argues continually that suffering and losing for long periods of time are actually good for you. And it is only canon in the country of Georgia.