Shutdown Fullcast - Zoroastrian Cincinnati Bengals Appreciation Episode

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Welcome noted Cincinnati export and most prestigious flower of the EDSBS coaching tree, Jane Coaston! Spencer thinks rocking chairs don’t want it enough A detailed film review of the Golden Corral brawl We lost vigilance and the Applebees song snuck back into the public’s ears via the NFL The Marines are at it again NEW MERCH AVAILABLE at sunny preownedairboats.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to Mopoomopoombe. Mouw-hmm! Welcome! The shutdown full cast. That was a good one. That was a really good one. Full.

The notes of vibrato that are coming in over time. It was operatic. Half-mast. Thank you. Thank you. I enjoy getting us off of the right note because tonight on the Internet's only college football podcast, we are going to explore a mystery, a conundrum, a riddle, which is, What is this magic surrounding Cincinnati, Ohio, that it has suddenly, for the year 2022, become the football capital, all right? The mecca for this fine grid iron sport.

Why, why has Cincinnati managed to corner the market on football excellence? We have brought in an expert for this. Jane Koston, say hello. Hello. The rest of us, our usual roster, will introduce. ourselves in turn i am spencer hall live from atlanta georgia with a yelping hound dog next to me here in the shutdown full cast studios across from me is holly anderson hello holly and then uh from beautiful kentassau georgia in his rocking chair as always framed in golden hues jason kirk hello jason

yeah i really don't know where these rocking chairs came from they've just always been on I could not possibly tell you their origin. I feel like they were issued to you. I feel like that just sort of happened. I mean, it's... I feel like Jason was born and returned home and they were like, take a load off. Like, I have never opted into rocking chair.

It's just, it was here when we got here. That's all I know. And why would you get rid of it? It's a chair that moves. But only a little. It's flat, like this... I don't want to move a lot. then you're somewhere else that's a car so the i noticed something the the funniest part about going to

yet another new buckies which i got to do this weekend and go to the daytona edition is seeing that the georgia ones are indeed the only ones without the outdoors gear like every other state there's an outdoor kitchen set up like you might go outside and exert yourself and then get an animal and then clean it and cook it and you might need supplies for that no georgia just like we know in that little entrance in georgia it's like here's a cornhole table it's a cornhole table that's up on it's a hand of god it's a cornhole table that's up on sticks you don't have to bend over so far to pick up the beanbag yeah it's a long way down there georgian why don't you just pick it up where it is work for my food

public so for eight dollars that's all the work i'm doing even the Daytona one the daytona one had the full outdoor kitchen set up and i was like oh god they really did the didn't they? And they were like, yeah, Georgians don't actually like going outside or doing anything wildlifey. So we're even lazy by Daytona standards. Yes, you're lazy by Daytona standards. I'm so glad you brought that up because let me explain my favorite thing about the Daytona infield. We were there for the Rolex 24, which is the 24 hour endurance race. But regardless of whether it's that or the upcoming 500 or something smaller and less interesting, Daytona management has an aggressive level of disinterest in whatever kind of personal vehicle you want to bring in if i had

thought about this ahead of time i would have made a scavenger hunt but if it has wheels and you can move around on it they just let it in it's beautiful yeah jane this is the full libertarian infield i actually thought of you when i was in there because i was like dotson racing truck parked nose to nose with like a mada concept car from the early aughts it was 34 degrees uh at around two or three AM, so people were starting the kind of fires that you don't do in a pit. There were people who had nice artisital fire pit setups. No, there were people who had train hobo fires from the 30s. Who had straight just been like, I don't see anything against bonfires.

I'm going to dig a hole. Like digging a hole and making a fire in the Daytona infill. You were at like a Daytona Hooverville. Like, kind of. It was. It has never been that cold, which actually pretty, I'm writing about this for road and track so there will be a story about this in the magazine in a couple weeks but they like even in wind tunnel conditions they had never tested the cars at this temperature none of them yeah and it

it thankfully did not descend into enough humidity to create like frozen mist at three in the morning which was the worry because like hey what happens if you put racing tires which via the rules of the race you're not allowed to warm before you put on the car what happens if you put them out onto black ice at 200 miles an hour now they know thank you daytona thank you yeah it was a blast we're going back next year all of us it was a lot like imagine if you could do like burning man and like second gear you could do burning man and second gear without the pretense there are showers there yeah and there are showers and nudity is nudity is to be kept inside the campers yeah okay at best a weirdly weirdly small amount of weed like i think that's the first outdoor event i've maybe ever been to

to in my life in Florida that smells more like cigars than weed. Oh, that's interesting. It is weird. It's confusing to the nose. That's, I wanted to open the ceremonies this week with important news from Bensil and Pennsylvania. As we know, Pennsylvania, I argue is the funniest state. Like, it's the funniest. It's, yeah, by far.

That's a big claim. You've said this before. Yeah, Philly, easily, probably, like, I think that's our funniest city by far as Philly, just in terms of senses of humor. I think that's just what you get when you get a place that has the influences of Penn State football, a love for contact sports, the Eagles, the Phillies, and on top of all that, a fondness for making pools out of dumpsters, that's just the greatness that Philly offers at every single turn. That's not funny. That's art. Well, speaking of art, in Benson, Pennsylvania, there was a 40-person fight, a 40-person fight in a golden corral. Why?

Because they ran out of steak. Because they ran out of... Yes, yes, Holly has a question. How... What was their plan for procuring more steak via Fisticuffs? That's how it works in Minecraft Once you punch someone to death Then their body is stakes

Ooh So it looks like this is Right outside, Philly Mm-hmm You know, they said closing rural hospitals In the steel belt Was going to produce medical innovation And by God they were right

It's a 40-person fight How do you decide to be number 40? How do you see... How do you decide to be number eight? Yeah, I want to go to the rumble works. The last one in has the likely gives the best chance to win. Because it's the buildup of massive brawls.

It's like when you watch like South Korean parliamentary sessions that turn into massive brawl, like there's a decision-making process where you go from two to three. Three, I guess, I always presume that then you go to five. You go to five, one more person adds in. It's how you go from six to seven that I don't understand. Because six people fighting seems like it's sort of like,

you know, it's like a golden ring. ratio type situation where I'm like this all makes sense everybody's even you got somebody to fight then there's like a seventh person who's like I'm going to take all of them but like imagine that in South Korean parliamentary terms but like that's the question I have it's like 50 somehow I'm like mm okay you saw 49 people fighting and you're like well this seems wrong and you have to go in because you need even I get that but it's the seventh person who starts fighting like who was seven Who sees six people fighting? I was like, I can help.

I think the math thing for me is once you get to 22, because at that point, I mean, we watch 22 people fight each other all weekend long. It's true. From that point on is when the math goes crazy for me, because we already have a regulation football game. What the rest are you folks doing? The key number for me here is five, because you can have one person,

takes a swing and it's fairly easy for me a veteran of a whole lot of football internet fight videos and a whole lot of stadiums, it's very natural for me to imagine one buddy trying to pull one person back and one buddy trying to pull the second combatant back and becoming embroiled themselves. It's that second, it's that second tier where person number five decides I am the arbiter of both of these fights now and inserts themselves and starts swinging on everyone this is what this to me is where the cosmic plate tilts i think you can be number 23 in a fight if you run in saying i got too much bama in me that's it you can be the extra man on the field if you say i got too much bama in me it's perfectly acceptable i also love this by the way do you want to know how you

show that you are about it in life that you are not to be fucked with at any turn fight and risk a felony and serious injury over Golden Corral steak. I don't mean steak. This is my additional question. Did they think that steak would be produced if they fought long enough? Okay, okay. If you eat enough steak, you're better at fighting because blood makes your muscles grow. And then once you fight, you are better at creating steak.

So looking at the CBS Philly, it says more than four. 40 people were in the fight. I love this. Former employee, Dylan Becker, former. So he was like called in. Like they called him and you got to see this shit. He didn't even work there. It's just the crew of the Golden Corral was like, Dylan, come check this shit out.

Dylan says, quote, Dylan likes a good steak fight. Dylan says, I've never seen nothing like that in Golden Corral before. And I love how specific it is because, I mean, if you're from Philly, you've seen shit like that. But at Golden Corral. I also appreciate the work of Alex Rios, another witness, who said, it began because he received his steak before another person who was in line first. But then he explains, I had a rare steak, which is a lot faster to cook than a well-done steak.

That's why I got my steak first. Yes, Alexis Rios, you did, because you got made a good decision. Imagine waiting for a well-done steak and golden steak at a Golden Corral. Oh, that's why they were mad. I mean, have you ever been at a table where there are six or seven people eating and steak is the meal if it's like a steakhouse, right?

Because that's like default expense account meal is, I don't know, let's just go to steakhouse because guys have no taste. Let's go to Ruth, Chris, cheat on our spouses with some farmer reps. Farmer reps. Is it? Farmer.

Let me out. I need to get to know a good farmer. Do you know a strong one? Not a farmer, a farmer rep. a farmer yeah no that's what it's called when you um well you know you press them so to speak so it's yeah oh yeah then you're doing the farmer's proceeded by a farmer's carry how many reps you're doing that farmer for i ripple windmill jones winemill jones he's the strongest farmer in south dakota i set my farmer personal best just last night after the rich i'm sorry i can't stop

thinking about this dylan person like the phone by his bedside rings and he picks it up and there's no answer and it's still ringing and he opens the hidden drawer in the night stand and he pulls out the special phone dude you gotta see this shit he pulls the phone out of the locked drawer and he's like it's time I really hope by the way I want to be this person in people's lives I want people to call me when they're like

dude there's a 40 person brawl at the steakhouse call Spencer at your former he's got to see the shit at your former workplace like when there was a 40 person brawl at Vox Media and we were all called watch good one boom boom

That would be, I'm sorry, I'm now trying to think of how that would have worked, and it would have involved the SB Nation Box Newsboro that could have never happened, but, man. No matter who wins, we all lose, because anybody who touches it's poop hands. He's got hands. He's got hands. But the Warhammer term for that is plague boss. He's a plague boss. Do we have to cut all this?

No, no. She has a set of things. Sorry, we'll work on this. Jane, welcome to show. Hi. You said that you wished people would call you when things like this happened. It's just to come watch. Just to watch her to participate.

Okay. Watch. But we kind of have a see something, say something program of a sort going on in the full cast Twitter mentions. because I need to now, first of all, thank you to everybody who sent us the golden corral fight. There were a lot of you. We were extremely happy to receive this in time for taping. And now I have to bring you to another news story that was sent to us by alert readers. Jason and Spencer may already know this.

So Jane and Serber buzz in if you think you have reached the point in the headline where you can complete the sentence. All right, you ready? Suspects, sorry, this is from, this is from NBC. Suspects in vandalism incident that stranded zoo ride passengers are San Diego-based Marines. Yes. The Marines are back and they are still perpetrating attacks. They are still awesome. They are still perpetrating attacks on wild life.

just willy fucking nilly is this like is this like this the marine story that I heard where this guy was like yeah I had to tell a dude that I'd seen his wife's butt and he's like well where'd you see my wife's butt and they're like yeah it was basic when we were tasing each other for fun and she she thought that be the easiest place so that we did that and the dude was like oh yeah that's understandable that's cool that's ura sympathize baby this is by by the way, I want one thing, though. No, no, you didn't hear about the incident.

Please. Yes, go ahead. All right. Four people between the ages of 20 and 24 arrested for felony vandalism. And I guess they put vandalism in here because they didn't have a better idea for what happened. What happened was people were riding the sky gondola over the zoo, and these four Marines started rocking the gondola back and forth to such violence that I guess it triggered. the emergency systems and it caused the whole ride to stop and so everyone was just stranded in the air until who do you rescue when the Marines are the ones that have stuck the sky is this

I would just also like to say that I've been thinking deeply you know I think a lot about criminal justice reform issues but that's the death penalty right there if you do that and a thing I am on I'm sorry you got to go to forever jail counterpoint counterpoint What if the car, Searle State, is just the gondola? A gondola, just a gondola. Can I offer a... I think it is just a gondola. Can I say a few words in defense of my clients, these American heroes? Who bravely served their country.

Please do? Just two words, in fact. Just two. Just two words are all I need. Dude's rock. Literally. I'm going to acquit. Jonesy, I'm going to fuck that giraffe. I'm going to fucking rock this gondola so hard. that giraffe's going to fuck me that moment that terrible moment where they realized what's happened

dude i think we fucking broke it no we got to jump we got to get out of here is this like a ski lift because if so those things are hooked onto a cable with a mechanism that does not wrap all the way around the yeah yeah it's like it's like the upside down boy who went over the swing set that's that's what marines are you know they were thinking of jumping too they're like listen if we get to get to the ground maybe if we can chain off i'll hang on to you you hang on to me yeah yeah and then what we do what we'll do is once all four of us are hanging we're dangling we'll have a chain there and then hold still and then whoever's on top they'll climb down and they'll be hanging from whoever was forth and we'll keep doing that until

we reach the ground i would also like to note here that um they were stranded for nearly two hours and it stranded over 100 passengers so also i'm looking i'm looking at pictures of this and they would have been stranded um like fuck high up in the air i would have i would have i would have i would have lost i i would have that's that's a war crime no that's a no this they gotta go to military you gotta get a jag involved in this that's a war crime oh you're sending them to war jail yeah war jail got a jag get jag involved jag gets involved with that right i just started watching nc i s hawaii so that i could be in touch with the people so that i can be in touch with the people

So I feel like I'm pretty well, I understand what's going on here. Jack, that was a show. If the Marines love Drove Rees so much, we should just send these to Gitmo. So this is over, this is over a zoo, right? Yep, yep, sure is. So the real possibility of them not only considering, not only considering their options for exit, but also looking at the animals below and wondering if they can take them.

That was a genuine consideration here. You're dropping down like 50 to 60 feet, so you drop 60 feet and then fight a lion. Yeah, I can see this. After we, after we enter tactical infiltration and then egress upon neutralization of the lion. Light work, bro. I just, I did lift 480. Yeah. And then we'll just climb back up here and keep rocking.

And eat our fucking lion steaks. That's what we'll do. Yeah, bro. We can start a fire in this thing. It'll be fine. Jonesy. Jonesy, Jonesy, we're straight. We've got to repopulate the earth, bro.

Hold still. Hold still, bro. You're an nurturer. I think you should have it. It'll work, I swear. Look, let's put the lines. I love you, Jonesy. If you haven't partaken of hand in the dirt recently,

I highly recommend the episode where they had Amanda Mull on, and I don't remember what brought this to her. Maybe she was talking about her dog, but she was talking about how she really loves animals, and Mike Felder, without missing a beat, goes, what animals do you think you could fight? I feel like the man missed his calling occasionally.

The best is that the images of this skyride, by the way, are just all... It's just all smiling families. It's just like, yeah, yay. Then in one of them, four meatheads who are like, bro, I'm going to kick the orangutan's ass. Gonna beat its ass. I'm going to beat its orange ass so hard,

they'll be orange on my foot. I just want to be clear here. Of the animals you could have referenced, not an orangutan. not in a hundred years. No, the reach. But a Marine would think, would disagree. Oh, no, a Marines, no, a Marine's like, no, bro, this light word.

They would be incorrect, but they would disagree. No, I got a low center of gravity. I'm going to charge in like a cannonball and his ankles. What? He didn't have fucking legs. Orangtang tangs don't have legs. They'd be like, Joltsi. Arangetangs have legs.

They'd be like, no legs, man. They don't know any fucking Brazilian jiu-jitsu. They're built like Dr. Robotnik. There's just a rocket over there. I just imagine. If you're, imagine me, like, a 40-year-old Sumatran orangutan. You've seen things. seen things. You've done things. You're going to do things to that Marine. It's going to be like

island of Dr. Moreau. It's going to be like the Marines coming out of the zoo like I'm never going back. Get ready to save your die motherfucker. Jane positing the existence of a saw orangutang is my favorite thing that we've done in a while. Oh, let's play a game Marine. Bro, we've got to avenge Jumzy. You've upset Dr. Chuckles. Dr. Chuckles had to leave Indonesia. He's not here because we stole it from the jungle. He's here because he was extradited.

He's the only orangutan ever convicted of human trafficking. The Hannibal Lecter mask. That's the one I want to fight. He was an arms dealer. No, I don't know how, but it worked. by the way I had one rogue steakhouse thought you can fight at a golden corral

steakhouse all you want I want to go to a steakhouse and just start like a really nice one and start taking everyone's stakes off the table and see how long it takes to fight because the harumphing of the dudes right bro don't touch my steak bro don't touch my steak bro

dudes don't touch dude's steaks bro all right I have a map the Sky Fari West Gondola line flies or begins in the northern frontier section of the zoo it flies over something that's pretty small that i can't see some kind of well this could go one of two ways it's either a northern like a northern Siberian tiger situation oh no it is it's some kind of northern quadruped it might just be like you know a deer or something like a mountain goat or something i got that bad. Panda exhibit, second. That's just going to be smelly if you fall out.

Honestly, the aviary in Treetoops Way might be the real low-key night. Never mind. Never mind. The next stop is Hippo Trail. Absolutely where this, absolutely where this happened. That's absolutely where this happened. And those hippos. Oh, oh God. They were waiting. Okay, hippo is bad and we all agree that hippos are the animals that you want to fight. but here are they shouldn't have put the gondolas here it was real dumb of them to build this zoo so close to a military base and then have the gondolas fly over in order the hippo habitat either alligators or crocodiles i can't tell from the photo the monkeys indeed and something called tiger trail then reptile house before landing it's just a i believe the marines would call this a target rich environment you know though

the Marines got stranded over the pandas and they're like yeah we can kick those ass like those like animals ass that's fine pandas are nothing but you know that like some little kid got stuck over the hippos right and they're next to the Marines and they're like hey can you guys fight the hippos are like no you're dead if you go down

there bro hippos are savage the one animal they respect yeah yeah make me feel better and comfort me no bro that hippo will kill you we might all be dead well just you mainly we'll be fine we got the pandas this is our opportunity by the way to conduct a little bit of not just business but podcast business podcast business what's the business podcast business it's a business with the podcast and it's got a gun oh my god it's a panda with a gun he's chasing a marine and he thought he was

popling pile of notebooks That's right, Betty That's right Podcast business this week Hey Holly Hey Spencer What were you doing in Daytona Where's that going to be?

What's happening? I already said that part It's going to be a story in Road and Track magazine Betty, God damn it It's going to be a story in Road and Track magazine Available where finer magazines are sold They go to press in like five days So I've got to finish this story pretty quickly

And there's going to be a little notebook emptying session about it, including more talk about the personal vehicles and the different types of smoke we encountered on Channel 6, which is our little subscription newsletter situation, over to Pastor Jason, who has some fairly new content of his own to share. Well, on the Vacation Bible School podcast, we have made our way to the book of Joshua, which is the book that has war stuff. That is, how do I tease it without, ruining it uh fake let's just say that it's all bullshit book of joshua's bullshit it's the first book in the bible that i'm like no this is fake this is a lie um i will bend over backward

to to uh defend and believe pretty much anything in it except for this book of joshua wall jericho it's all bullshit um but tune in as i work to uh to convince you of all these things and emily as well um it's a it's a good podcast those of you who have not checked it out yet there is no uh i'm not going to do a like uh guilt and shame type joke there because like that That's what she'd get in real church. We don't do that here. You should listen because it's good. That's all.

It's a great podcast. Jane has been on. Yeah, Jane, I know another good podcast. Maybe you know the same one. It's called The Argument. It's from the New York Times. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's cool if you haven't.

You know, whatever. It's very niche. I think it's sweet of you to lend your voice to classing up the New York Times. Finally. That lady, she needed it. I host a podcast. It's called The Argument. You should subscribe. I am slowly working in more sports references and just increasingly, like, you know, a little enchlusing of sports into the argument, which is challenging to do. But, you know, like

invading Czechoslovakia, when you can, why don't you? I just hear you triumphing over adversity and being rewarded. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I would also highly recommend Jane's uh newsletter yes which you can sign up for where yes you do a noble job working sports into it i have appeared in said newsletter along with many other experts um it paul fine bomb just stops by because that's how jane's got it just paul fine bomb stops by to kneel at the altar jane doesn't break him over her knee because she's merciful that's right um he was a he was a delightful guest um who kept reiterating how he has said nice things about Michigan, and I was like, congratulations to you. Good job.

I, you okay? Sounds like Paul scared. Well, when the only time I ever met Paul Feinbaum in person, it was outside the Popeyes in Atlanta's airport, which I think is like where you would run into him by law. Wait, which one? Was Terminal B? Yeah, Terminal B. Ooh, that's the Abandon All Hope Popeyes. That's the Bo Bies pop-byes, isn't it? No, no, no, his was at the gates.

Okay. Yeah. All I know is I was I was extremely happy to see that, Papa, is what I don't care. My hope was not abandoned. But yeah, so I saw him in person, and it was interesting because it was like, Paul Feinbaum might be, I often think that there's like this weird bell curve of celebrity where at a certain point you're like too famous for your own good and you can't interact with any humans.

And weirdly, I think Paul Feinbaum might be edging, like he's super, super famous, but he's not famous enough for people for him to like stay away from the people so he has people coming up to him all damn day and like no one's trying to stop you or get in your way and he handles all of it and i'm like you know like there are people who are correspondingly as famous in their field as he is and they have like 15 bodyguards but pa five months is wearing a slightly too baggy suit being nice as heck yeah he's also dude famous which i find is a very very very particular and unmanageable kind of famous because a lot of times dudes will just think we're hanging out they'll just say oh well i've met you now we're hanging out yeah and at one point you

have to say i have to go into this bathroom and into a stall by myself they're like oh cool we poop yeah they're like cool bro i could i could be next to you do you need a hand we could like we can get through this yeah it's a it like i watched one time i've watched scott van pelt at the masters walk around as a civilian so behind the like not behind the ropes like out on the fairway you can't do it you cannot you cannot because there are so many guys in quarter zips who want to come up and say oh scott listen i just respect what you've done for this sport and you're such a consummate professional like it's being dude famous is i i once met um this is a different profession but i once um met chris hayes and someone came up to him and it's that exact voice like

hey Chris just really want to say I really appreciate your show and I really think that what you're doing is and they had this whole like meeting of bros and it was like what is happening right now it is that glory to God post game voice yeah

it is very weird they will talk to you if you get the particularly respectful guy which I don't get which I'm very happy right like most people come up to me and they're like some asshole you're like hey like I'm used to that right So you don't get the like, your tweets change my life and like that kind of thing.

No, no, I get like, I get like, dude, you look even more disheveled in person than you do on TV. Like, that's what I get. When you said the entire state of Ohio was sweatshirt fascism, I felt that. Yeah, yeah, bro. No, I don't get the lowered voice very often. I usually get dudes who are like, hey, what's going on? You know, do you want a mop? You know, like that's, that's really.

Do you want them? A mop, right? Like looking over at the mop on the wall and just handing it to you being like, hey, something weird. Like I get the weird, which is a really great kind of famous, actually. Like my little internet. Yeah, to be the person that gets offered random objects, right? Oh, I thought you meant they were asking you to join the custodial staff. That might be the case as well.

Okay. You know, and I'm listening, frankly. I am my current podcast business. You can find me over at Channel 6. I might be doing debatable on Thursday. if you all want to debateable debatable that's an online show for ESPN with Pablo Torre and company I might be a talking head on there on Thursday I think we managed to work that out so I might be on there Thursday and you can find me on

this the internet's foremost steak brawl podcast the shutdown fullcast tune in to the shutdown fullcast folks to find Spencer Hall oh shit y'all there's another news story oh do we forget one cruises ship flees to the Bahamas with 400 passengers aboard to avoid seizure in Miami after parent company goes bankrupt and pays fails to pay for millions in fuel the parent company is the same company trying to sell Miami Day to 770 million dollar monorail this is the greatest company in the world this is wonderful ah anyway this is a second vote under arrest or whatever this is the second i don't know if they've arrested the first one but a second one has now like

turned away from miami and made a run for the bahamas with 400 people on board who just wanted to go home so the first boat is now a ringleader the yeah or the first boat was gunned down by police in miami dade hang on the second boat is coming to arrest yeah that's it that's exactly the plot, Jason. The boat say, yeah, bring it hell with me. God, it would be terrifying to be pursued by a cruise ship. I do not

see the, okay, the most recent version of this story says a cruise ship is trying to evade U.S. arrest at sea, buddy, aren't we all? Yeah, same. Goals. Boat goals. I'm just trying to evade arrest on the big

sea of life. True. I just feel as if wouldn't being like I feel like being pursued by a cruise ship would be like being pursued by like a giant imperial star destroyer in that like yes it's very scary but I feel like this entire chase must be taking place very slowly yeah all you have to do is turn 90 degrees yeah yeah I saw enough of speed too I think I could handle this the cruise ship chases the last Jedi chase

where the two ships are like eight feet apart shouting it each other. You know, we brought up justified in our last discussion of Crystal Cruises because Raylan is based in Miami and there's a U.S. Marshal apparently stationed at the docks ready to arrest this boat the second it comes in. But do you remember in, I think, season two, the incredibly slow speed foot chase between the elderly senior U.S. martial art and an elderly criminal who was dragging an oxygen tank? and art can't walk so they're just kind of like shuffling after each other carrying guns like that level of that level of mobility Spencer has gone to feed the dog because she will give us no peace yeah both of the puppies so we have a box that was underneath the couch that contained other boxes for reasons and the puppies attacked it with such vigor that they tired themselves out and that's why when you have puppies or dogs or I assume like very small children up to a certain point you just to be like you just got to keep like

falling back it's just like you know you can have these fields and burn down these barns and a certain point you'll get tired and fall asleep right right they found their waterloo under the couch yeah yeah they're good yeah they're they'll they'll be dead asleep for like the next hour I'm just really hoping though that like I've been trying their circadian rhythms are like generally they can sleep through the night it's just at six o'clock in the morning they experience a crisis of the self and they really want someone to come look at them

you don't really need to pet thumb or anything they just want to be looked at just to make sure that they still exist yeah confirm I am still yeah yeah sure I'll get that one pink please Jane what manner of puppies are these they are lab mixes

and we think they might be lab husky mixes because they have heterochromia so they have different color eyes which is they are extremely cute they are also small animals with the digestive tracts that is six inches long

yeah they are they are very small they are rescued they were brought up from Mississippi where they were in a rescued from an extremely bad situation that fortunately they have no memory of and they are going to two delightful homes in a couple of weeks, but for right now, they are sleeping. And they sleep in such a way that's like, it's like they worked all night in the, like,

picking stuff up and putting stuff down factory or something. And now they're sleeping, like, like, oh, like the sleep of like the, when they sleep, it is like the most restful looking sleep you could possibly imagine. Like, oh, man, they must have worked so hard doing nothing. Got a lot done. yeah i want to accomplish all their goals we are here today to discuss uh again the aforementioned mystery as to how five minutes later cincinnati managed to become the center of the football universe in the year 2022 first with the regular season and champion conference championship winning

cincinnati bearcats taking college football by storm by making the playoff and don't worry about what happened after that. And then with the Cincinnati Bengals following this up by not only winning a road playoff game for the first time in the history of the franchise, but defeating the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC championship game to become Super Bowl participants. I hate it when our sons fight. How? But I'm proud of both of them.

This is so against everything that you have to know. about the world. It is, um, unmooring. It actually has gotten to the point that, like, I have seen Bengals Super Bowl merchandise. And it is like, it's wrong. It's like if you see in other countries where they have sent the, like,

Falcons won the Super Bowl t-shirts that were definitely made. And it's like, oh, like, that's a thing that didn't actually happen. Ha, ha. No. No, this is all real. Joey Burrow has brought. the Cincinnati Bengals to the Super Bowl while proceeding to just give no fucks whatsoever the whole time not once not once at all not in any way does he cared at all and now like it is unmooring

and it's it's interesting to see people try to treat it as like oh it's this interesting thing because like you know they made this big turnaround they were two and 14 like the season or two ago and wow and I'm like no no no no no like it's like if Burkina Faso becomes like the number two economy on earth. Like this is, this is like people are, somehow I keep, I have many beloved NFL writer friends and they are great and they keep trying to put this in terms that are like, oh, this is a normal thing, turn around draft. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, this is beyond the nature of space and time. It is above the concept of natural occurrence.

I don't know what's going on here. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of it. Like, I watched the end of the game on Sunday in a Whole Foods because when the Bengals got down 21 to 3, I was like, ah, like, okay, nature has taken its course. I see what's happened here. I was worried about you until I heard you had taken a walk.

walk. Oh yeah. I took a two hour long walk and it was very cold because I was listening to a podcast about classic Hollywood. So I was a lead dad moved by the way. Oh yeah. I mean you got to take a walk for feelings. Yeah, it really helps. I didn't have any like there's no chores I could have been doing. So I just took a long walk. And then I checked in on Twitter in the second half and I was like oh it's like okay it's like 21 to 10. I'm like okay. That's like you know you got to make it respect. and then it was like 2117 and then the game was somehow tied and I was like oh this is going to be even worse when the Bengals lose and then the chiefs get the ball back first in overtime and I'm like oh here we go and then there's an interception and not just an interception like a normal like bloop it was like an interception like a deflected interception and then the Bengals kicked a field goal and won the game. And I just was like, I'm sorry, what?

Like, it would be like if the Marines had fallen into the hippo area, and then they became friends with the hippo and decided to live in the hippo enclosure. And they were just like, no, we are of the hippos now. It's like, you know. I love you, too, hippo. It had that level of probability. Okay, so we're going to do a real quick Georgia segment called How's Your Tahoe? Michael, how is your Chevy Tahoe?

Chevy Tahoe is doing real, real good I've been looking at them aftermarket tail lights but have not decided yet I did get my Georgia Bulldogs 2020 National Champions magnet for the back of it though

so it's going to pop It's going to pop going down That's going to pop real good Jason has your Tahoe My Tahoe is a spectacular It's just sitting It's just sitting out there We hadn't needed it

because we'd been taking the daily driver the Hummer, so the Tahoe's just been resting because everyone needs to rest a little bit. You know, I'm from Georgia. We work real hard, really hard as Georgians. And sleep hard on icebags. So do our Tahos. Spencer Hall, how's the Tahoe? Yeah, my Tahoe's good. You'll notice, by the way, my Tahoe featured in, I'm real optimistic about its longevity because my Tahoe was featured in the preview for the Halo movie that Paramount's doing.

on streaming, there is in one of the back of the fight scenes of 552-year-old Tahoe. And it looks like it just, you know, looks like brand new. Additionally, my dog puked in the Tahoe this week. So I got to say, I've been taking a point down. We're down a point. We've got to clean it up, do a little carpet shampooing. But otherwise, I think it's going to be good enough to make it till Master Chief Times. Folks, you know who can't answer the question?

How's your Tahoe? Who's that? Marjorie Taylor Green, who appears via Roger Salenberger, reporting to have bought a $93,000 Buick or GMC campaign vehicle. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but neither of those

looks like a Tahoe. There are no Buick's in that range, also. So, congratulations, first of all, to buying a big, dumb truck with donor money, which I believe is a dream we all aspire to. But got to see that Tahoe, babes.

Now I'm going to return to a question for Jane Koston because when we said when we had a mystery bingles guest on today's show I'm guessing by the tenor of these questions everybody believes that this is going to be Jane because the very first question is what military leader most resembles the bengals

over time. Oh my God. Well it needs to be someone who is trash who was good and then trash for so long that you forgot that they were good except in lower and then has suddenly made a massive turnaround. I feel as if like, I don't know, is this kind of the Ulysses S. Grant story of somebody

who is just like a just sad and pathetic and then somehow made it like, you know, by being wily and angry somewhere out in the West, which in the Civil War, the West is like Tennessee. Maybe are they the, which also then makes me think that their presidency is going to to be disappointing for me but that's neither here nor there it's like yeah that that drunkard is president now that's kind of the bingles are in the super bowl yep yep yep yeah but the drunkard that we all kind of like everyone's sort of confused at but damn it if that drunkard wasn't wily jane can i go ahead and suggest that maybe he's rokosovsky that would be the guy who is taken away to prison has all of his teeth pulled out his tortured beaten left for dead then

called back at the last minute absolutely kicks ass when you need it at the last possible second? Also, this then again means that he will then be betrayed again during the Polish October of 1956. Also, there's a whole thing about- You see the grand plan here. Again, I don't feel good about where this ends for the Bengals. I also will note that with Rakhosovsky,

that there's the story that he, yes, he had his teeth pulled out, but there is a story that he also had metal teeth, put in and that you can see it in photographs, but because there was like a glint or something, it is biohacking. It's unclear whether or not that was true. But as I remember, there were a lot of people who are like, well, I mean, it does seem like something that would have happened, which that's the real issue with that kind of like Soviet purge era, like from like 1934 to 1947.

And then even after that to Stalin's death is that there's a lot of stuff. off where you're like, well, probably. Like, this is the rare, the rare intersection of Soviet generals and New Orleans rappers. Yeah, I was just going to say, anytime you tell me a Soviet general did something that like 2000s-ish rapper would do, I'm like, yeah, that happened. Yeah, yeah, it's a, you know, the great person, like when you're just like, oh, we just have to murder all of the generals, you know, all the most experienced people, and then we're going to go to war.

Yeah, yeah, this is going to go fine. I'm sure it's fine. I heard Polish October and I was like, law. a folding tables lost during polish october go bills yeah it's uh hey hey hey hey come here the dog dominance on all sides today what are you doing um this is actually i think this is a unique overlay of your interest jane this is from john smack 220 your airport is in kentucky how excited are you for us to annex you as well as if you are successful?

Yeah, that'll be cool. Because the nice thing about that airport is that there's another airport and it's in Dayton. But if you fly into Cincinnati and you tell people to come meet you at the Dayton Airport, everyone gets really confused for understandable reasons

because there's just CVG. Also, when you drive up from CVG to Cincinnati, you come around this curve and you see the whole city and it's very beautiful. And you're like, oh, this seems like nice place to be and if you're me when you're 15 you're like that's a lie um one of the funny things about Cincinnati is that I grew up there um my parents are there my whole family is there and it's

an interesting place because I both very much enjoy it but I am still getting to know it as an adult because um I was going to joke earlier that my my thought is that we are actually in a simulation and there's a famous quote Mark Twain gave about how when the world ended he wanted to be in Cincinnati because then he'd have 10 more years and then I then I looked back and I was like well what was a Super Bowl in the college national championship 10 years ago 10 years ago uh Alabama beats LSU in an extremely boring title game if I believe that was like the that was after the nine to six game that was the 21 to nothing national championship game that was the first title game I ever went to it was the it was a sugar bowl that year and the and the

The Super Bowl was the Giants beating the Patriots the second time with that Mario Manningham sideline catch. And so I'm like, oh, so it's like all of this is supposed, like Cincinnati was supposed to make it to a hypothetical playoff adjacent thing in 2012. And then the Bengals were supposed to do all of this in 2012. But they just didn't because, you know, we were late. But now we're on time. It's just now that's why it feels so weird. They were just like 10 years off of whatever was supposed to happen. As the profit foretold in that case.

Yeah, but Cincinnati is also like there's a, you'll note that there are a lot of people who now live in Cincinnati and they're like, it's a super cool place to be. But if you live there as a teenager in the early 2000s, you probably don't live there anymore. And now people are like, yeah, it's fun. And I'm like, is it? Tell me more about this fun place. I think it's when you come back as an adult and your interests are far more prosaic and you have maybe far less hope for the world. Now neat cities to me are places where you go, oh, I can buy a house for less than a million dollars and the water only has so much feces in it. My expectations for a city are so much lower than they used to be.

Well, it's just like, you know, it's interesting now when I go back because it's people are like, oh, like there's this cool bar. And I'm like, I don't know anything about a bar, but if you needed to find a smoothie in 2004, I could tell you all about how to do that. You know, I could tell you the closest panera to my Catholic high school in Blue Ash. I could tell you that the high schools that weren't my Catholic high school were dens of iniquity, because they were. And everybody knew it. And yeah, no, it's real weird because it's sort of like, it's like if you, you moved away from like the country of your birth. There's a Jay Caspian Kang, he wrote this book about Asian American identity.

And he talks a lot about how his parents, they moved from South Korea and then moved back like 20 years later. And obviously South Korea, like a lot had happened in 20 years since like, you know, the end of a military dictatorship and all this other stuff happened. But his parents were like, whoop, we're like trying to go back the way it was. when we left, and everyone in South Korea was like, what's wrong with you? And that's what it feels is like, I moved away from the country of Cincinnati, and the country of Cincinnati was like, cool, bye. And they, like, moved along, and everybody did stuff. And then I go back, and I'm like, what do you mean you changed something since 2005?

That's where I left it. Why did you move it? No, no, no, no, no. This is where the United Dairy Farmers is. That's where it is. And you can't move it. I wonder if there's this thing where like everyone grows up and if you don't live in a city that they make lots of movies about you think oh where I'm from is lame and bad and then you move around the world a little bit and you realize like every town is like 90 something percent the same I guess my town was fine mostly yeah it's yeah and I think that that was a thing though is that like I thought that like New York seemed like there were like imaginary cities to me growing up like new york Tokyo london like those aren't real places those are movies um but then there was like Chicago Chicago's real and like this big place reading movie yeah it's like it's an accessible TV movie it's like happy endings it's like a good show that's going to get canceled too early um it unfortunately that has not happened for the bears no no no

Well, I appreciate that their coaching search really appeared to, and I'm aware that this could have been a joke, but I can't tell if it was, but it appeared that their very, very, very, very, very elderly owner just didn't want to learn any more names. So just when it was like, get me another mat. And I'm like, I respect that, Virginia. You're 99. Like, I would never try to tell a 99-year-old woman what to do. Never. Hi, you're okay You're okay

So Holly Holly you're okay with Knoxville now You're like okay, it's like cooler What? No? Where did you know? No? I don't ever go back there if I can help it.

Yeah Also I try not to mention this on this I had a terrible time in Knoxville I was caught between If you went to Knoxville in the early early At the turn of the century When I went to Tennessee we were kind of caught between two big economic downturns for Knoxville and in a period of time where there was just nothing there like there wasn't a movie theater anywhere within like reasonable walking or public transportation use there was not even a grocery store on campus really and I I go back to my actual hometown quite frequently which I love because it is mostly woods and it is outside of Knoxville and I don't

really venture into Knoxville that much but whenever I'm forced to I'm like y'all have I get mad I get mad at the kids are in school here I'm like y'all have stuff now and you don't understand how lucky you are you have stuff we had to drive to goddamn bearden to go to Kroger

anyway I'm over it really yeah because I grew up like the big city for me was Nashville and you would go oh if you came back like 20 years later you would think it was like you know you'd go oh I see the upsides and no I don't Oh, see, when I was growing up, like, the big city was Atlanta. Like, this is where we would come shopping for prom dresses to feel extra fancy, right?

Yeah. Nashville's only gotten worse. And now I live here, and I'm like, oh, God, I hated here. So, I don't know. I'm not on any reasonable time track except just being cranky about wherever I am. Nashville is now trapped in, like, Bachelorette hell, which is funny as hell to me, that they were like, they're like, we want nightlife. Oh, do you? Oh, do you?

Be careful what you wish for. welcome to hell yeah at least Cincinnati just went with like why don't we just put a lot of breweries in a place and then it turns out that works out great yeah it just is like when you just really lean in hard to alcohol

yeah sure they're gonna be unintended consequences like your little bikey bachelor ready things that people do in places craft beer people think that it's okay to be themselves and you wind up going to like beer festivals and then there's a wine tent and you're like oh thank god who big relief um but it it appears to have it's just it's interesting though because one of the other things about Cincinnati is that it's big enough that like stuff has happened

but small enough that like even local politics there's kind of like a rotating cast of characters like the current let's that's double check so that I am not oh wow well the current mayor of Cincinnati it is like this okay see this is another thing like John Cranley was mayor in my head for like 90,000 years but now the mayor of the city of Cincinnati is a cool person named oftab purival and I'm like wait I'm sorry the what now we have a person who is not not like he was born

in 1982 he is from Xenia his mother is a refugee from Tibet he went to Ohio State but you know whatever look it happens in the best of families so did Von Bell

so I mean this all happens let's see he's he extended support for mobile devices for the clerk of court's website which for Cincinnati is like whoa slow down if you if you could get your court date information on your phone out well that that's just that's just nonsense see that again slow down cissy again like I I since that again it's a place that has continued to change and then I'm like, no, I put you here. You can't move over there.

But I do appreciate that while Cincinnati might change, my parents are still there. And they're still like, we went for a bike ride today. It was great. My dad saw the hawk again. There's a hawk that lives in the neighborhood. The Cincinnati Hawk. Yeah. He likes to keep an eye on the hawk.

Just see what's happening. All the pictures he's taken of the hawk and his cell phone are slightly blurry. So it's kind of like, is it a hawk? Perfect. Or is it like, yeah. It's the perfect way to do hawk photography, as you know. You don't want to be able to see the hawk too well. No.

That's how they're trying it. It's like a horror movie. You don't want to be able to see the monster. It ruins everything. Has your dad gotten into like mapping the hawk's whereabouts or charting the hawk or anything like that? As far as I know not, because my dad's very busy with they have chickens, because of course they do. Ground hawks.

Yeah, they have ground hawks. And my dad gets really into, you know, woodworking projects and reading new books. from the library about the Second World War because he hasn't finished all of them. They keep making them. It's really, you'd think at a certain point, but it turns out I am, it's a vein you can just keep on tapping. So yeah, it's nice because like my parent, the level of stasis in the Koston household, great. Like things, like they, if they, if they got a new couch, I think I would need to like,

I need to take another two hour long walk. I don't know if I could really come back from that. Um, no, Cincinnati is a place I keep trying to pin down and then it moves a little bit. And I'm like, mm, can't do that. Not allowed. Stop whittling Cincinnati. Yeah. Well, Cincinnati's upgrades, they include things like Joe Burrow.

Yeah. That's a pretty good one. Jane, where you, when the, the last time the Bengals went to the Super Bowl, were you like two? Uh, yeah. Um, yeah, it's 19, they played in 1989. Um, so yeah, I was two. Uh, the quarterback. It's funny because I actually, they, they,

YouTube recommended their playoff, their AFC championship game to me from that year. So it was against the bills. And Boomer Ossison was quarterback for the Bengals, which is funny to me now that he has in my head, he has been a commentator far long, like in my imagination, he's been a commentator my entire life. And it is weird to me to see him actually playing the sport. That is why he is paid to comment on things, which is kind of why I think that if you are a commentator on sports that maybe there's like an expiration date for it just as like have you been a commentator for longer than you played the sport at a high level you're out of player for every year you play you get to put a rock in a pile and for every year you commentate you have to take a rock out and then you're done yep yep I think that sounds great um did you did you see did you see the halftime show by the way the CBS half time show I heard it I heard it

We were tagged many times in this news event as well. Why was everybody tagging us in this show? Because for seven minutes, the CBS halftime show, a confusing affair already with at least seven jocks lined up on a desk, like some sort of insane, blocky review board of man beef, right? Like a council of elders in a space movie. Yeah. In like very blocky double-breasted suits.

All of them sitting there were drowned out by a loud, speaker for the halftime show mounted immediately next to the set and yet what was the halftime show what's what tune was it what was it what was finally figured out who this person was because we were trying to figure it out

on a previous show what was the halftime show it was the fucking Appleby's song the Appleby song that we bullied off of the college football airwaves not just us the collective college football internet bullied this song off of college football broadcast in October and lo and behold like a fucking shitty

phoenix here it is in january in kansas city drowning out boomer asiason and bill cower and the chiefs were up 2110 at the time and then they lost what's that tell you at the time i believe boomer asiason there's a clip of him going i didn't hear anything you just said so i'm going to say my thing and i was like thank you for finally saying it out loud. None of you are listening to each other at all. I'm just pasting my statement. Hall of favor Bill Cowher sitting there getting drowned out by the fucking Applebee song. But I need to hear him say whoever runs the ball will control the line of scrimmage. I need it. I'm going to offer a dissent here. And I'm sure I will regret this

the second I have more information about this. But do you know, who I have not heard a fucking word about or from outside of this television program since he retired from football Bill Cower I was thinking about that like it's interesting to me because one he's younger than you think he is

whatever age you think he is he's younger than that because I did not realize that he retired like early which is weird for the NFL because it feels like people hold on for like a really long time and he is let's see let me let me 64 he's 64 yeah and as soon as he retired he was

NC states Jack del Rio right like every year is NC state's gonna land cower and I don't know if he he retired at 49 like see that's how maybe this is maybe he can replace jean Chiswick since gene has backslid in our knows how to live and how to stay out of everybody's business uh... Pat is, and I'm, he may be a shitty person to work with or have shitty opinions, but I'm just saying, I'm not aware of them. And I appreciate that about Bill Cowher. Yeah. Yeah, he just like, I, yeah, I just like that he's just like, I don't want to coach. I don't want to do anything. I, the only reason that there were rumors about me coaching is because they sold their house and then built a new one two miles away, which I appreciate. Um, also I have learned that, uh, so Broomer Syerson, uh, played for the Bengals from, um, um, um, Let's see. From 1984 until 1992. Then he went to the Jets for three years, which is like you do.

Grim. It's interesting because he, yeah, they went. Bruce Coslett was, oh, God. Oh, no. Yeah, and Bruce Cozell, he just, like, I guess Bruce Coslet just followed him back. But anyway, so then he plays at Arizona for one year in 96. And then he comes back to Cincinnati in 1997. And I have learned from Wikipedia that so the Bengals were very bengaly that year.

They won their first game of the season and then lost the next seven. And Jeff Blake, who was the starter, lost his starting quarterback job because that's what the Bengals will do to you. Also, I did not realize that he was in Jeff Blake, finished sixth in the 1991 Heisman trophy voting because he was at East Carolina and had just. really obscene numbers. Oh, he had, listen, he tore Miami up one night, like, on a Thursday. It was great. So then boomer Sison comes back, and they win six out of their final eight, and the Bengals were about to give him the job full time, and then he got an offer from

ABC to do Monday night football, and he was like, because he would make more money doing commentating than playing football, he retired. That's it. And I'm like, yeah, no, sounds about right. That's, that's, I think that's the other. thing is that, like, as I recall, the Bengals still do not have an indoor practice facility. And I just checked. What?

That's why they're so tough. Yeah. Yeah, there's been a lot of stuff. So, let's see, there's an article from April of 2021. Another change the team much seriously considers an indoor practice facility. Cincinnati remains the northernmost city with an NFL franchise. have a not have a

practice facility however on the Bengals Reddit channel there is fact

guess who hasn't had a COVID outbreak playing in the fresh air we've been playing

4D chess for years they should they should try playing football yeah I think the reason they don't

I think the reason they don't have an indoor practice facility is because you want to keep the stench outdoors and let it air out generally like the

bagels franchise you don't yeah you don't want to put a lid on that yeah and also because um they are let's see uh an agent described mike brown the uh owner of the team who in my head is three thousand years old he is 86 and rough round the same uh he they agent described of being a don quixote type pushing back against the forces of salary madness but also he he just didn't pay for anyone to do anything he uh he was supposed to sign warren sap in 2004 i have a question no let jane keep going that's why i raised my hand i'm saying um he is uh one of the cheapest people in the history of time and he um yeah he's why they probably don't have a Wow, I am, the people who don't let, who are mad at, um,

Mike Brown Wikipedia section, um, is lengthy. Uh, Corey Dillon, to key of spikes, Carl Dickens, um, yeah, apparently he would do not, like, you, you had to be nice to the Bengals. You had, he, they instituted a loyalty clause, which means that they wouldn't pay you if you were mean to the Bengals. Now, let's keep in mind, the two thousand. thousand Bengals were, let's check. Which school is going to be able to do that?

Four and twelve. Yeah, yeah. So you had to be nice, or else they wouldn't give you money. But yeah, he's very cheap. What was your question? I got distracted. What happened to Don Quixote? Just asking questions, folks.

He went to the Super Bowl. Yeah. T.J. Hushmanzada, by the way, once said that the Browns, or the Bengals, the the owners, the Bengals management, and were so cheap that they handed out used jock straps. No. Yeah. In addition to that, most teams on a game will have the whole team together in a hotel. And they didn't do that for the Bengals.

So Hushmanzada thought he was inactive. So he went out on like Saturday night real hard. And then they're like, hey, bro, you coming in tomorrow for the game? He had to suit up after being at the club all night on Sunday. go bangles jane i have a question at b-en-g-a-l-s would you pronounce that please bangles bangles not bangles do no no no no no do i do i do the bangles thing oh no oh no a little bit a little bit no there was like a shade of it because i had never heard this before spencer brought it up and now i hear it everywhere people say this apparently yeah

Spencer, this is your theory. Go ahead. Yeah, that if you listen, and once you hear it, about half of all Americans say bangles. Yeah. Like people from not just like, you figure that Southerners would be the ones who would go ahead and, you know, pull the e-break and start sliding around the syllables a little bit and really sort of put in a drift on the pronunciation. But no, if you listen, like a lot of the like primarily mid-Atlantic and northeastern NFL media crew, like people from Long Island are like the bangles. Like they say B, A, and once you hear it, you won't unhear it. A lot of them, because it should be, like if you're real stick up your ass stickler for this, bengals. That's, right?

Bangle, yeah. That's, yeah. But the two mispronunciations that I absolutely love, bangle is my favorite because people just love saying the word, apparently just smack right into it. The other one is bing, like, bingle. Like, that's very much the like. Bingle. Bingle. Bumer Ossyson says it like that.

The Bingles! Yeah. That one's fine. But half of all Americans say bangles. Like it from like California, New York. No, and it's like the Yugoslavian Civil War. There's no geographic divide. It's house-to-house fighting over this pronunciation.

Yeah. Mel Kuiper has a great B-E-N-G-A-L-S with his extremely Baltimore accent. Bangles! Thank you for helping me. shed some light on that one of those moments in which I think that I have a very like flat midwestern accent of any kind and now I'm just going to be saying bangle bangle bangle bingle yeah it's like you kind of unintentionally have to start saying bingle like b-i-n-g-l-e which is not a word it's like it's like course it's like you're making a giant

sweeping turn with a boat right because you can't if you turn it too sharply you're just going to slide off. Yeah, yeah, you got to... But you almost have to overcorrect to get to where you want to go. You know, kind of steer into the skid, is that it? Mm. Something.

I had another question for you. You get three Bengals to take with you for the Super Bowl to celebrate, who played on really shitty teams, but were heroes. I suspect I already know who one of them is. But who's coming along and getting partial credit for this one?

Uh, Peter Warwick. Uh, Chad Ochosenko. I hope he's going anyway. I hope that one, I hope the team is bringing him. And two, I just hope that he's just like, I was already there. Like, I hope Chad goes in uniform.

Um, and TJ, obviously. Like, they put up with, uh, you know, the death of a teammate. They put up with just like abject nonsense right and left. I also think, I hope that like somewhere Carson Palmer is enjoying quiet, puttering around by himself time and thinking like, that's nice for them because like there was a story that like Chad would just start showing up at Carson Palmer's house

on random weekdays being like let's hang out and Carson would be like no no I'd rather no no no that's unexpectedly poignant no it's um I mean I imagine Chad's a lot oh yeah and now I think that he he was a lot then

and he's now he's just like he just seems like he's kind of aged into himself he he just had a baby girl with the apparently the star of selling Tampa yeah this all checks that um and he is uh he celebrated by getting cigars

Christmas cream donuts and a tall caramel macchiato like dad he's having transition into elder statesmanhood for him um he is he seems to be having just a really nice time he said apparently he said that he believed in the team

beforehand and I just like that and I think T.J. Hushman's not like there was this really pleasant era of the Bengals in like 2003 to 2008 in which they were like feisty and I never really thought that they would just be good but I thought like feisty is fun there's like

Pac-Man Jones yeah yeah there's like a you know like mildly problematic but fun which is something like you know kind of like oh like you know if this team if these things break right this team is fun like there was a there was a year in 2004

where the chiefs were undefeated and then they came to Cincinnati at like 9 and oh and Peter Warwick like caught a ball no it was a kickoff return and he ran it back while dragging someone half the distance, and I was like, yes, I'm into this. I'm into everything. I subscribe to this newsletter. And like, you know, each time they would attempt to go to a playoff game, something terrible would happen. I believe that the 2015-2016 wild card game against the Steelers has

been detailed in a past episode. I watched that game in Auckland, New Zealand on my phone at Ponsa Beach Central, where Spencer, I believe, has been. And I remember standing there at like 11 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday and thinking, I'm too good for this. I'm done. I'm out. And there's nothing. It was nice because you are so separated from it.

Like when you're in another, like especially a time zone that different, like it didn't even feel real. Like there were pictures of it being cold. And I was like, what's happening? Because it was not cold in Auckland. And it was just like a different time and a different day. And I was like, I'm done, I'm out. And then I've been like, you know, I don't want to come back to this.

Nothing good happens. And then Joey Burrow came. And I was like, all right. See, because the nice thing is that they have kept the fun and feisty part without the players who have gotten arrested slash players who have done bad things slash losing in part because of the feistiness. because let's keep in mind that the losing

because of the feistiness was bad. Like I wrote a whole piece for the ringer about Vante's Burfect because I thought there was a period where he really like

spelled out what the NFL was which is like he does this thing he's really good at the thing you don't want him to do the thing like the man

threatened to kill Matt Barkley in high school and then just was like you know what I'm going to double down in college and like he would have moments of being like

I caused a 15 yard penalty. I got the game winning fumble. Like, that's what you're, you're, you were going to, and then it turns out that like, that balance is really hard to keep. And he could not. And, uh, here we are now. But yet, now the Bengals appear to have managed to merge feisty and good. And that's very confusing. I was going to suggest that it doesn't really matter whether we put perfect on that list or not. If he wants to, he will be there. Oh, yeah. Who will stop him? Yeah, I feel about him the way I would feel about like Shug Knight, which is that we should probably stop talking about this immediately. I didn't say a thing. I just would like to be clear here. Everything I have said has been, I would argue, complimentary. I wanted to address one reader's question by answering a little bit of it for you and then handing off.

This is from Will Made Good. How do you reconcile the coolness of Joe Burrow, southern ohio i'm just going to go ahead and quote after the game when asked whether his diamond pendant medallion thing uh was real diamonds or not he said i make too much money to have fake diamonds yep yep while wearing a black turtleneck which i'm wearing a black turtleneck right now and i'm just saying it's a look and i'm into it um also he's Definitely the most interesting person to come out of that particular area of southeastern Ohio, which could be why his high school has already renamed the stadium for him.

You might think that's a little soon. But in the planes, it's not soon. It's real not. That's not soon. Ooh, I found there was some article like Joe Brough was in for a rude awakening at Arrowhead Stadium. And it's like, Joe Brough doesn't care. he's played in death he's played in death valley he's like they're just like especially because i think that there's sometimes where you have like a welcome to the NFL moment but if you have

played high level SEC football in some senses not the play because like every NFL player is better than college football players they just are like that's just how it is like the NFL is the top echelon of players and then there's Jimmy Garapolo but he's very pretty so like beautiful he is in his post game interview I was like damn

like damn but like in terms of atmosphere like there you know I I am sure like I've had friends who've gone to playoff games at Lambo like it sounds great

but like Death Valley always seems like there could be a human sacrifice tonight maybe there will be maybe there won't be we don't know yeah who could I get that the NFL has like multiple like notably loud stadium so when they do the like oh you can't handle Seattle and it's like yeah but they you know like if you've played at Texas A&M and Alabama and Ohio State and like on and on I think I'm not sure Seattle Stadium

is louder than you dobs yeah I don't understand like you're gonna welcome to Arrowhead I'm like I'm like you got old people in there they get they're tired they're Brittle. You're in Missouri now. Welcome to Missouri. Are you sure it's that Kansas City? Really sure? Yeah, that, you know, that LSC, that 2019 LSU team also like, you know, went to Alabama and dropped 46 and just like, just pretty much like, yeah, we just don't care. We just do not care.

And I do, I do appreciate that this is the first meeting between Joe Burrow and, uh, Oda, Beckham Jr. since the incident in which OBJ showed up and just started handing out money and then there was like, he probably shouldn't have done that. But I was like, but they did it. They beat Clemson. He's just being nice. Two years.

He's not even making them go to church to get the money. Funding student athlete experiences. Yeah. Two years of Baton Rouge, by the way. Yeah. Two years of Baton Rouge for Joe Burrow. This is what he comes in as. Ohio State transfer with zero with zero swag.

Joey Burrow, poor accuracy. Two years in Baton Rouge, Caged Cooking, left that man as Joe Burrow, number one draft pick, somehow became a style icon. Somehow proxed. No, even the pictures of him, even the pictures of him at Ohio State, like he looks like Craig Crenzel.

He's got like a white shirt underneath. Life and arena to give you blessings. And journey through Joey's. media from high school like no man this dude had it all along like he's posting the shit on Instagram he's like it dances they don't let us grind but student athletes grind all day it's like man this guy was always it you can find him in fucking like eighth grade talking about like class sucks can't wait for football practice putty tang is the greatest movie ever made that is a Joe Burrow so we put that side by side with like quarterbacks praising cops and stuff and it's like no we

We know who we're riding with. It's Joe Burrow. And the, oh, oh, he said that my favorite tweet of Viz. He said, feeling like some Arbys. And I think he mispelled Arbys or something like that. Like, that's my guy. These are all fantastic. They're not as great as the Jimmy Garoppolo LLL just saw a long border get hit by a car.

Jimmy G suits are fantastic. My favorite one every single year when the Niners get eliminated is trying to find some whir to watch entourage he's genuine okay he's 100% genuine hymbo from from the floor favorite quarterbacks like jes want to man jimmy do you just want to go like have some light beers and watch entourage yeah man that's what i want to do meanwhile man in the on the other side in the super bowl you have stafford who's like been around so long like his like old pictures are from, like, pre-MySpace, right? Like, the picture of him doing the keg, holding up the keg with the girl or whatever, like,

how is that photo in color? That's so old. It's also funny because if I, let me look this up real quick, because I feel like Matthew Stafford and I, like, no, I'm sorry, I got to stop you there, Jane. That's not a Matthew. No, that's Matt. That's Matt. He'll be mad forever.

Maddie. Maddie, Mattie, Ice. I appreciate that our ages map on in this very specific way. He's born after. He was born in February 7th, 1988, but he's like in my, like, he was in college at the same time I was. He was drafted the year I graduated. So we are, he is the first quarterback where I'm like, you can't call him old. Like I'm like, yeah, sure, sure.

Here he comes. The oldest player in the league, a miracle. 32. Jane, wait until there's, you're a little bit, you're a little bit behind us, aged ones. But wait until the first coach who's younger than you. Oh, we are, we are edging dangerously close. Like, we got that, like, calling people, people giving Colin Klein jobs. And it's funny because when you Google Colin Klein, they're like, half of the pictures are him trying to look like a coach.

And half of them are, like, him playing because he played 10 seconds ago. And, like, it's, um, I, I, find distasteful. Like, we're getting, we're in the, like, like, there are a couple of coordinators who are younger than I am, and I'm like, all right, that's fine. Like, you got to be young and wily to be a coordinator. No, it's not okay.

You got to start getting mad at it now, or it's going to take you by surprise when it actually happens. Yeah. I will tell you. I do appreciate that for, I like that, I'm happy for Matthew Stafford, because if you go through his Wikipedia page on all those lion's seasons, I'm just like,

oh, yeah, yeah. I'm delighted for him to get, like, to do anything. He gets to do anything fun in his entire football career. Like, good, good. And, like, he won a game by doing what he is really, really good at, which is throwing a deep ball and then running like hell to spike the ball. He can run to spike a ball like no one has ever seen. We have to keep reminding people that he's good.

It seems like he is the quarterback who we most do that for, that with Matt Stafford, you still have to after years. Look at him. I mean, he's, sorry. He's so lions affiliated that even after a year with the Rams, you have to go, he's actually really good. He looks, it's, it's he, okay, he has perpetual resting sleepy face. He does. And I think that's the problem.

He always looks sleepy. Chouts out to Odell Beckham, too, for finding a better, uh, spot in life. He started the year in Cleveland with Baker Mayfield. Hey, then what? and then his dad found a YouTube video and his dad started posting next thing you know he's in the Super Bowl

think about that that his dad posted him into the Super Bowl I know he's got athletic achievement and talent behind him okay O'Dell Beckham Sr. was like the power of social media in my hands like the son

YouTube videos of Baker Mayfield sucking and next thing that's all he did that's all it took people have the NFL like it's a league it's a grind it's for men O'Dell Beckham post a couple of

hurtful videos about Baker Mayfield and O'Dell Beckham Jr. teleports to Los Angeles. That's magic It's pretty easy I'm speaking of these guys It's the most effective sports dadding we've seen in a long time like we had that horrifying

Lonzo ball period of our lives I hated that but then now I'm like did Lonzo did that it kind of worked because but it just it worked in that now all of his kids seem way less irritating than he is which is it's effective like if you've got kind of like you've got a heel then everyone around you looks more baby face and so yeah if you've just net maybe there's just more good sports dadding happening and I just didn't know about it yeah I think with Lonzo it's the thing where you tell your you know you tell your parents oh I got a D and they're like what

and you're like just kidding see right and they're like that's a lot that's a lot That's not so bad. Yeah. My NFL fandom is so sad that I watched the Rams and I'm like, I just want Matt Ryan to be traded somewhere and get to do this. Yeah. I just want the best quarterback in franchise history to leave and get to win for someone else because I've completely given up hope on him winning here. So like watching Matthew Stafford is like, I'm like, oh, it's still possible. What, for your team to win?

No. For our players to leave and then win. what I want. Jason, if you could script a twilight career for Matt Ryan, what would that look like? Leading the Lions to the Super Bowl and winning it. How about that?

Let's go all in. He'll be cold, but he'll be a hero. The cold will preserve his vessels. And he's from, he's from Pennsylvania. He's from Philadelphia, the greatest city in America. Oh, God, I keep forgetting that. He's the least Philly, Philly person I think I've ever known about. I think he had to leave because he's their only nice person.

I would laugh real hard if O'Dell Beckham and O'Dell Beckham Senior ended up doing the Tim Montgomery celebration. If you remember, Tim Montgomery was the sprinter for Britain who famously in the Olympics pulls up lame, right? Like he's injured and his dad comes out of the stands

and they walk him across they walk across the finish line together. Like that's O'Dell Beckham Senior this year. What are you doing? I want to get you across the finish line, buddy. Are you implying that was a work? Yeah, I'm going to do that. Let's go ahead. Let's just go ahead. Yeah, total work.

Wasn't winning the race. Oh, here comes dad. Just going to go. All right. Can I do that? Wow. No one else would go out on that limb. I just did it.

Tim Montgomery's dad's going to show up at my door in seven minutes. He's going to be posting videos. Beat my ass so bad. You're fucking uptakes. He's going to beat your ass, but he'll walk you to the finish. He'll walk me to urgent care. I'll be like, he really is a great dad. So they're crying, he beat my ass so bad.

But then he helped me. I love you, man. The Marines are behind us. Like, that's right, bro. That's right. That's how you do it. Jane, do you have any other final thoughts here on the Bengals? I can't believe them in the Super Bowl.

It's going to be like, it's weird because it's like the Super Bowl has always been like, it has existed as an entity about which caring has been like a choice and now it's like now I'm locked in I'm in I'm like oh this is awful caring about the Super Bowl is the weirdest thing of the world oh yeah I don't recommend it like I just this is where what is it it's Tuesday and you got you got a whole week and a half you got like media days next week that's gonna suck yeah yeah and then there's like the when the when the falcons were there last it was the Friday night when I was like, holy fucking shit, this has been a lot. And like, there's still an entire day.

And then it's game day. Like, yeah. Yeah, I'm just like, you know, I've already, I'm like, I got to, you know, should I pick up a quick hobby? Like, should I learn to do something the next week? Because it just is like, ooh, macrame. I was going to get back. And when I was a kid, I used to like knit pot holders.

And no one ever used the pot holder, but I just kept producing pot holders. It was kind of like, it was a very like Soviet armor men. post-war where it's just like, I'm just going to keep making this stuff. You're not using it. We'll just put it in a place. But an oversized knit potholder is just a puppy blanket waiting to happen. They could chew on it and they would love that. They will chew on basically anything.

But yeah, so it's real weird. It's disconcerting. I mean, I think that this is, I was trying to figure out how to write about this and I'm not sure if I can come up with something. But there is something about like when it's your team. it's like a team that isn't supposed to be there like not even the like nobody believed in us and I'm like no no no no no no one believed in this nobody should have believed in us no yeah with good fucking reason like if it turns out that like zoroastrianism is true and that

we should have just been worshipping a hurrah mazda this whole time I will be shocked that'll be a real thing that I'm going to be like well I did not see that like genuinely I did not believe in this it's like that the Bengals are Zoroastrianism. Maybe I should just get on board. Yeah, the colors game is very dualist. Introducing your kids to finances and gift cards can be quite a task. You don't want to limit them with traditional gift cards that only work for one specific store or give them a credit or debit card and have them run unsupervised.

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