Sibling Revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson - Revel In It: Are You Attached?

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

What is your attachment style? That's the question expert Dr. Judy Ho is here to answer.Is clinginess learned early? Can you be a mix of all six attachment styles and how do you BREAK a cycle learned early in life?Oliver asks it all in this deep dive into human attachment.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an IHeart podcast. September is a great time to travel, especially because it's my birthday in September, especially internationally. Because in the past, we've stayed in some pretty awesome Airbnbs in Europe. Did we've one in France, we've one in Greece,

we've actually won in Italy a couple of years ago. Anyway, it just made our trip feel extra special. So if you're heading out this month, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. With the co-host feature, you can hire someone local to help manage everything. Find a co-host at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Hey, it's your favorite jersey girl, Gia Judice. Welcome to Casual Chaos, where I share my story. This week, I'm sitting down with Vanderpump Rural Star, Sheena Shea. I don't really talk to either of them, if I'm being honest. There will be an occasional text, one way or the other, from me to Ariana. Maybe a happy birthday from Ariana to me. I think the last time I talked to Tom, it was like, congrats on America's Got Talent. This is a combo you don't want to miss.

Listen to Casual Chaos on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It may look different, but Native Culture is alive. My name is Nicole Garcia, and on Burn Sage, Burn Bridges, we aim to explore that culture. Somewhere along the way, it turned into this full-fledged award-winning comic shop. That's Dr. Lee Francis IV, who opened the first Native comic bookshop. Explore his story along with many other Native stories on the show, Burn Sage, Burn Bridges. Listen to Burn Sage Burn Bridges on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, guys, it's Stephanie Beatriz.

And Melissa Fumero, and this is more better. We are jumping right in and ready to hear from you. Your thoughts, your questions, your feelings about socks with sandals. And we're ready to share some possibly questionable advice and hot takes. God, that sucks so hard though. I'm so sorry. Can you out petty them? Can you match their pettiness for funsies?

Yeah. All the things. Because aren't we all trying to get a little more better? Listen to more better on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Culture eats strategy for breakfast, right? On a recent episode of Culture Raises Us, I was joined by Belisha Butterfield, media founder, political strategist, and tech powerhouse for a powerful conversation on storytelling, impact, and the intersections of culture and leadership. I am a free black woman. From the Obama White House to Google to the Grammys, Valicia's journey is a master class in shipping.

in culture and using your voice to spark change. Listen to Culture raises us on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Kate Hudson. And my name is Oliver Hudson. We wanted to do something that highlighted our relationship. And what it's like to be siblings. We are a sibling rivalry. No, no.

Sibling Ravelry. Don't do that with your mouth. Sibling Reveory. That's good. This is Oliver Hudson. And I'm hungry. Oliver Hudson is hungry.

This is what's happening right now. We have a guest in the waiting room. and I'm starving but you know what I'm going to fight through it because this is what champions do they fight through the pain they persevere when things get tough

any obstacle that comes in their path gets annihilated because of the strength and fortitude that the champion has to make everything great and that's why my hunger is going to be set aside, okay? I am going to ignore it and I am going to give an incredible interview.

But as you're listening to this interview, know that Oliver Hudson is hungry as fuck. Okay? So I want you, the audience, when you were listening to me, talk to Dr. Judy Ho, that I'm starving. But I'm very excited about Judy, Dr. Judy. She has a new book out. It's called The New Rules of Attachment, How to Heal Your Relationships, Reparent Your In a Child, and Secure Your Life Vision. It's about the attachment theory, which I think a lot of you guys know about, or a lot of people, do. I kind of do. My sister-in-law knows a ton about it. I think there's four of them. I'm going to

have her explain all this because, you know, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. But warning, I will be talking about the Hoffman Institute again because there's a lot of similarities here. I know those who have listened to this podcast, you know, know that I talk about all the time. So just trigger warning, the Hoffman Institute will be brought up again. I don't want anyone to sigh. Oh, God, again. It's relevant. Okay. That being said, let's bring on Dr. Judy Ho. How are you? I'm good. What's going on? Oh, not much. Not much. Thanks so much for having me on the podcast. Super appreciate it. No, I'm very excited. I'm very excited to talk to you. I know everyone says that on a podcast. Oh my God, I was like that. But I actually am. And I'm going to start this off by saying

that I know, you know, about sort of what you've been doing with this, what's called attachment, not therapy, attachment theory. And I didn't know much, but I read. Okay. I'm sure you might have heard of a place called the Hoffman Institute, have you? Yeah. Okay. So I went. Oh, okay. And it was incredible seven days of my life, you know, really was life changing for me as far as understanding patterns, negative love patterns that have come up and, you know, were there since childhood and even starting from birth, getting to the root of it, finding compassion, finding forgiveness because at the end of the day, it is generational, it is passed down. And without getting into my whole experience, which everyone on this fucking podcast has heard about because I talk about

the Hoffman Institute, a ton. It really reminded me of some of the things that I experienced, you know, at, at Hoffman. That's really interesting. Yeah. So explain it a little bit for those who don't know what attachment theory is. And then I want to briefly go through all four of them. And then at the end, I want you, I want you to analyze me the entire time we're talking, okay? You are a therapist. I've been in therapy all my life. And then I want you through my stories and my, whatever I'm talking. I want you to tell me which one I am.

Oh my gosh. I love it. Okay, great. That sounds good. So first, just a quick primer on attachment theory. Okay. So attachment theory was initially developed by Dr. John Bulby, it was later expanded upon by one of his students, Mary Ainsworth. And this was probably about 60 or 70 years ago when they came out with these findings. And they were studying babies and toddlers and seeing how they responded to separating from their primary caregiver, being with their prime Gary caregiver, being in a totally new environment and how they would fare, what they play, would they engage people that they didn't know. And so they put all these different permutations on these kids who were probably anywhere from six months to about three

years old. And they found that even in this very, very early time, there were very distinct patterns that would emerge based on the quality of the relationship and the bond with a primary caregiver. Later on, this was expanded to other primary caregivers. This doesn't have to be one person, could be two or three or four. And also they studied children who were older, four years, five years, six years. And a lot of times, it was the same attachment style that they had earlier in life. And essentially, it's a way that you express not only your ideas about yourself, even at that young age, even through behaviors, but it was also a way to express your beliefs in other people and whether or not you think that people would be there for you or you had to fend for yourself. And obviously, as babies and toddlers, we can't fend for ourselves. So you can imagine how disregulating it could be for a child if they feel like, hey, nobody in the world really cares about me. And some of them develop these ideas at a very, very early age in life.

Mm-hmm. Wow. Okay. So you can never do it right, though. Are you a parent? Yes, I'm a parent. Yeah. You can never do it right. You can never do it right. No such thing. Yeah. I always say this. I say it's not about if you fuck up your kids. It's about what to what degree. You know what I mean? I come from, you know, a broken home. My dad left when I was five. Mom was single for a while. She, dated, did not like her dating. But then Kurt came into my life and raised me. He's my father. We call him pa, but he's my father. Things are really well, good with my dad, tells him it might be 11 or 12. And then it just went off the rails, you know, and then he wasn't there. And for whatever reason, it just didn't happen. And it was not the best situation, you know, in the way that he was handling shit. Now, things are good. Strangely enough, we have in the last five years sort of reconnected and, you know, I'm 47 and he's however old he is now in the 70s. So there's been a nice reconnection. So I have been in, you know, therapy and I've learned a lot about myself.

but how often do you see when you are diagnosing or when you are in your when you are in your therapy sessions someone who is on the fourth one which I want to go through them the fourth one is almost like hey you're good right yeah right what's the fourth one called you're secure attached secure attachment you're so great everything you're perfect right so you should be yeah exactly not really right um But let's go through, let's go through the four, because there's four of them, correct? Yes, that's right. Yeah.

Okay. So there's three insecure attachment styles and one secure attachment cell. So already, the odds are not in your favor. No, no. 75 to 80% of people are going to be insecurely attached. Yeah. So anyway, and those are only the ones who are being honest, I think. There's probably some people who believe they're securely attached.

And then you ask their partner or you ask their sibling or you ask their family. They're like, I don't think so. Yeah. before you even get into that, I mean, again, doing this podcast, it's called sibling revelry and my sister, you know, can't be here right now. But the sibling dynamic is so interesting. Huge. Because there's two siblings, let's say there's two. They can be raised by the same exact parents in the same exact way. But the perception is totally different. And we've noticed that through all of the siblings. One might think, oh, dad was great. And the other one was

like, no, he was not. He was a hard ass and I'm fucked up because of him. You know what I mean? Exactly. It's interesting. The theories, it's almost like so individual. You know, because your parents could be like, no, I did the same thing with your brother and he has secure attachment. But you all of a sudden have an anxious attachment? Like, how's that possible? A hundred percent. Yeah. So you and I are both the older siblings. I have a younger sister. And again, grew up in the same home. I mean, I don't think we were treated exactly the same. I do think that there was some difference in the way we were treated.

But other than that, our family environment was pretty much the same. And we were put into the same classes. We did the same like music classes, right? Like we were all afforded the same kinds of extracurriculars and whatnot and exposed to obviously the same people. My sister and I are totally different. We're so, so different. And that caused a lot of grief when we were younger.

Now I think it's bonded us in a way. but we talked about our own attachment styles and how that's so weird that we grew up with essentially the same ingredients and then we're just completely apart, you know, just totally apart. So it's, I hear what you're saying. That's so crazy. Yeah, it's like the same ingredients, but the cakes are completely different when they come out of the oven. A hundred percent. I know.

Yeah, if you talk to my sister, I mean, she went through a phase where she was like involved in gangs and junior high and, you know, I mean, she got. kicked out of schools. Like she was kind of quote unquote the black sheep of the family. Now she's a professional poker player. She obviously put that to good news. Really?

Yes. Who, what's her name? Her name's Maria Ho. So she's been in the industry for a while, like almost 20 years in professional poker. Because I play, I was a crazy poker player.

I mean, I play in the World Series of poker. If you Google Oliver Hudson, World Series of Poker in 2005, I, do you know, do you, because your sister plays, do you know poker?

I mean, you must. I know, I know poker pretty well because of my sister. Yeah. So the way it works is there's, you know, however many people, there was a featured table that they put on to ESPN. And it was me, Gianni Granu, a guy named Sam Farrha, and blah, blah. And I was at the fucking feature table on ESPN.

Oh, yeah. That's crazy. First hand, firsthand, and I'll let you watch it. I won't explain the whole hand because people will, like, get bored. first hand I go broke everything goes in the middle on the first hand and I am out

on a horrible horrible, horrible beat where if you watch it or your sister will I guarantee your sister knows this I guarantee she does because it's one of the most horrible beats that has been around tell me the hand you had

I had pocket tens Sammy Farha had he had ace 10 okay oh come on yeah the flop comes ace ace 10 oh no that's basically all you need to hear now and the announcers are like oh my god it's the

first hand yeah and and the only thing that could have slowed me down was a queen came on the turn and so i'm like ooh he could have had ace queen because he raised me pro he he raised pre flop pre flop yeah of course right so but he's a very loose player anyway i don't want to get all the weeds because people are, what the hell are you talking about? But I could have slowed down on the turn, but there was no way my money wasn't going all in the middle, you know, at some point in that hand. Right.

And then I played in a bunch of WPT events. Like, I had a huge poker room. I mean, I was obsessed with. Oh, my gosh. I love it. Side track. No, but no, but that was actually very, very interesting to me because I'm like, of course, of course you were going to go in with everything you had.

Because you're like, I got a full house, baby. Like what ridiculous? I got you. No. Oh, no. Oh, my God. That is like the worst thing. The worst. And of course, obviously, pre-flop, you had the odds in your favor. Yeah, everything was going right. So wrong. So wrong. Anyway, yeah, so my sister. So my sister was, I think it was 2007 maybe where she made it to, she was like the last woman standing in the World Series of Poker's main event. So anyway, she's been doing that for a long time. And yeah, we just, I mean, we went totally different ways in terms of our careers. But then again, in poker, she used the psychology. So I was like, I actually think we are probably much more alike than we would like to think. But we definitely develop different ideas about people and relationships from a very young age. I noticed a difference right away.

And those differences have still kind of bore out as we grew older too. Yeah. September owns feels like the start of something new, whether it's back to school, new projects or just a fresh season. It's the perfect time to start dreaming about your next. adventure. I love that feeling of possibility, thinking about where to go next, what kind of place will stay in, and how to make it feel like home. I'm already imagining the kind of Airbnb that would make the trip unforgettable, somewhere with charm, character, and a little local flavor. If you're planning to be away this September, why not consider hosting your home on Airbnb while

you're gone? Your home could be the highlight of someone else's trip, a cozy place to land, a space that helps them feel like a local. And with Airbnb's co-host feature, you can hire a local co-host to help with everything from managing bookings to making sure your home is guest ready. Find a co-host at Airbnb.ca slash host. I had this overwhelming sensation that I had to call it right then. And I just hit call, said, you know, hey, I'm Jacob Schick.

I'm the CEO of One Tribe Foundation. And I just wanted to call on and let her know. There's a lot of people battling some of the very same things you're battling, and there is help out there. The Good Stuff podcast, season two, takes a deep look into One Tribe Foundation, a non-profit fighting suicide in the veteran community. September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so join host Jacob and Ashley Schick as they bring you to the front lines of One Tribe's mission.

I was married to a combat army veteran, and he actually took his own mark to suicide. One Tribe saved my life twice. There's a lot of love that flows through this place, and it's sincere. Now it's a personal mission. Don't have to go to any more funerals, you know. I got blown up on a React mission. I ended up having amputation below the knee of my right leg and the traumatic brain injury because I landed on my head. Welcome to Season 2 of the Good Stuff podcast on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

The Super Secret Festi Club podcast season four is here. And we're locked in. That means more juicy cheesement. Terrible love advice. Evil spells to cast on your ex. No, no, no, no. We're not doing that this season. Oh.

Well, this season, we're leveling up. Each episode will feature a special bestie, and you're not going to want to miss it. Get in here! Today, we have a very special guest with us. Our new super secret bestie is The Diva of the People. The Diva of the People. I'm just like, text your ex. My theory is that if you need to figure out that the stove is hot, go and touch it.

Go and figure it out for yourself. Okay. That's us. That's us. My name is Curley. And I'm Maya. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreak, men, and, of course, our favorite secrets. Listen to the Super Secret Bestie Club as a part of the My Cultura podcast network available on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

Hi, I'm Jenna Lopez, and in the new season of the Overcover podcast, I'm taking you on an exciting journey of self-reflection. Am I ready to enter this new part of my life? Like, am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have kids and to really just devote myself and my time? I wanted to be successful on my own, not just because of who my mom is. Like, I felt like I needed to be better or work twice as hard as she did. Join me for conversations about healing and growth. Life is freaking hard. And growth doesn't happen in comfort.

It happens in motion, even when you're hurting. All from one of my favorite spaces, The Kitchen. Honestly, these are going to come out so freaking amazing. Be a part of my new chapter and listen to the new season of the Overcumper podcast as part of the My Cultura Podcast Network on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, it's your favorite jersey girl, Gia Judice. Welcome to Casual Chaos, where I share my story. This week, I'm sitting down with Vanderpump Rule Star, Sheena Shea.

I don't really talk to either of them, if I'm being honest. There will be an occasional text one way or the other from me to Ariely. Maybe a happy birthday from Ariana to me. I think the last time I talked to Tom, it was like, congrats on America's Got Talent. This is a combo you don't want to miss. Listen to casual chaos on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, so let's go down the list. Let's go into the four.

Let's do it. So the first insecure attachment style is anxious attachment. I think that most people feel familiar with this because people talk about it, like, kind of just like a very regular topic. They're like, oh, I'm kind of anxious in this relationship, I'm anxious attachment, et cetera. You see it a lot on social media too. You know, the prototypical anxiously attached person is that they're a people pleaser and they're more prone to codependency because their self-esteem rests on what other people

think about them. And this type of attachment style can come up when you've had parents who maybe were inconsistent in ways or made you feel like. you weren't sure when you were going to get affection from them. And of course, this is not to blame parents. Parents are dealing with their own shit all the time, right? Like we talked about,

there's no way that you're going to be a perfect parent. So in this past down generationally, what they experienced from their parents. So 99% of parents out there are not blatant abusers that are trying to screw up their children. It's like they're trying their best, but they got their own stuff. But either way,

anxiously attached people, when there were babies and toddlers, they realized, oh, I'm not exactly sure when my mom or dad are going to be around for me. So then they start to grow into this idea that they have to always be checking on and be validated by people or else they're not sure where they're standing is. So they have a harder time doing individualistic things. They kind of feel like they have to be in some kind of relationship or have people around them all the time. And that leads to codependency behaviors

because, hey, if you support somebody and help them, then maybe when you need help, they'll be there for you, right? But over time, you start to believe that maybe you're not as important as other people. So that's the anxious attachment style. Okay. Okay. They avoidantly attach. I think a lot of people see that almost like as the opposite spectrum. So this is the person who's more of a lone wolf. They pride themselves in being a lone wolf. They're pretty driven.

Usually they're very ambitious. They might identify themselves as a workaholic and they wear that like a badge of honor. And really deep down, it's because they don't really trust other people to take care of them. So they feel like they have to do everything on their own. And sometimes this comes from parents who maybe showed their most affections with them when they were achieving something or doing something that felt like a goal. Sometimes it would be that the parents maybe shut them down when they were trying to express

emotions, maybe in a way to try to help them cope, but it made them feel invalidated for talking about their feelings. Like, well, you shouldn't think about that or, well, why are we talking about this? Let's stop talking about it. Or maybe they seemed to overwhelm when they expressed their emotions. So anyway, as they grow older, they start to not want to talk about their feelings also. So they get a little bit uncomfortable with intimacy. see, it really has to be at their pace. And when they are feeling stressed or troubled, they just

go away. Like, they don't tell anybody. They just kind of hide away. And so nobody really knows what's wrong with them because they don't show that to the world. But obviously, over time, that can cause distress in a different way. Oh, my God. That's so that one is crazy. Because the minute you started talking about it, this one friend popped into my mind. And then you literally ran the list like of who he is. And it's crazy. I mean, it was. It's like to a T, to a T. I keep going. This is so interesting.

It's crazy. Okay. Then there's disorganized attachment, which I think is the most misunderstood of the three insecure attached. When you look at social media or look at online articles, they seem to think that it's a combination of the anxious and the avoidant. I think that there are people who are combination types. So I actually think that if that's how you feel you're not disorganized, you're probably

just running the spectrum of anxious and avoidant. And sometimes it happens in different situations or with different people. But I think the hallmark sign of the disorganized attached person is that they constantly feel like they're in fight or flight. So fighter flight is an awesome adaptive response, but it's only meant to be used sparingly. It's not meant to be that you're in chronic stress all the time, right? And the problem with somebody who is disorganized attached is in their childhood. There might have been a lot of chaos. There may have been even over abuse or major traumas.

And so the person feels like, well, I can never be safe. I always have to be watching my back. And so their entire life is like that. It's like there's always a suspicion that something is going to go wrong. The other foot's going to drop. If things are too calm, they inevitably will draw up chaos somewhere because they're more comfortable with that and it's familiar to them. They're a little hot and cold in relationships because they go between, hey, I can maybe

settle in and really relax around this person to wait, no, like there's something bad that's going to happen and I better just preempt it by creating the problem myself first. And again, a lot of this is not in a conscious way. So I think that oftentimes their own beliefs is that people can't be trusted, but they also don't particularly love themselves. So there's kind of like a low self-concept, but also when they look at other people, they think that other people suck too. So like it's kind of a terrible mind state to live in, right?

Because you're kind of more pessimistic, probably than the average person. So that's the disorganized type. Okay. Yeah. And then the one, the golden, the golden child. The golden child, which of course, as we talked about as the minority. But I think the securely attached person is that generally they had parents who were pretty present, who didn't, you know, tell them to shy away from their negative feelings, but also

did not define them specifically by their achievement. It's kind of like, we value you no matter what. Even if you make a mistake, we might be upset about the mistake, but we love you. So generally, they're pretty consistent in their parents. parenting. They're generally available, especially emotionally. And so then these adults grow up and it's not that everything is perfect. That's the ridiculous thing. Nobody's that way. But it's more that they just have a little bit more self-confidence than the other types. They generally believe good things should happen to them that they deserve it. And when they are pressed in a stressful

situation, they're just a little bit more resilient than the other type. So they're just more flexible. So they can be independent, but they can also rely on other people and not feel like well, what is this person going to think about me? Are they going to see me as a burden? You know, they just don't get caught up in thoughts like that as much. But a securely attached person, obviously they have their blind spots too. It's just that overall they're a little bit better equipped to deal with life. And their self-esteem tends to be stronger, even when there are toxic people around them,

even when they come across difficult situations, they're able to be more stable in terms of how they feel about themselves. A couple things. So interesting. Number one is, first of all, you kind of hit on it, that you can have a combination, right? Or are you always leaning more towards one or can you be a combination? Because now you're dealing with sort of how you grew up. So you can't, I mean, I guess you can, but to grow up along that spectrum of the four seems kind of difficult. I mean, there would be all over the place.

Right, right. But there are combos. I assume. Yeah, and I think the combos come from a couple of places. One is if you had a different kind of relationship with one primary caregiver versus another, you could develop like a combination type of sort. So you could be, for example, mostly securely attached because your dad provided that kind of basis for you. But your mom was the one that was kind of inconsistent.

So there's a part of you that's anxious. But that doesn't really come out except when you're in a romantic relationship. So like at work, you're pretty much secure with friends. friendships are pretty much secure, but then when it comes to dating, like, that's where that anxious attachment kind of shows up. So that's the most common way that I see the combinations manifesting is that it's not all across their life at all times. It's more like one major area of life, they seem to be more insecure. And then maybe the other areas. Yeah, I mean, personally, right, like from a social place, from walking on the earth and being around

people. I'm very confident. You know what I mean? My self-esteem is through the roof. I know that I'm a likable person. I know that I can have good conversation. You know, I can be charming. I can do all of these things. My lack of self-esteem comes from work, interestingly enough, not thinking or feeling that I'm good enough, you know, in my occupation. Because my sister's huge and my parents are huge and by the way my career has been incredible I've made money and everything's good but I just don't feel good enough it's like oh everyone thinks I'm bad I'm not I probably I'm the worst actor here I'm da-da-da-da you know or the other thing too for me is almost it gets directing is something that I'm passionate about producing which is what I do as well there are there are

talents that I have that I look at and it's just so overwhelming to even try to get there that I don't even try. You know what I mean? And the minute that I sense any failure, I'm just, or any negative thing, I'm like, I forget it. If my work ethic was better, I would be very, I'd be so much far along on a personal level of where I would want to be, you know, but I just sort of cut it off. That's that. So I have a little bit of both of that. you know what I mean. Right, right. You get so reinforced by those areas where you are 100% certain,

at least in your own self-perception of your competence in them, that it's so easy for you. And there's so many people who they would be finding those situations more difficult, like talking to people they don't know, like, you know, feeling like people accept them and like them, et cetera. But that whole idea of being held back in certain ways in your career, and like you said, you've had a phenomenal career. You are having a phenomenal career.

However, there's always that thought of, oh, but there was a couple of missed opportunities. Like, if I had just pushed harder and went for it, like, where could I be now? And it makes, it makes so much sense. But also, that is like the true mark of a perfectionist, too. Like, anybody else who looks at, it'll be like, I don't really know what you're talking about. But it's really the most important thing is how you're feeling about it, right? It's like, that's your interpretation and that's your perception. And it does affect how you think.

and it does affect maybe future things that might kind of provoke those same feelings and you're like, oh no, like I'm finding myself back in that pattern again of like not being sure and like maybe I should have just done it and like why didn't I? Yeah, or then have the perseverance to push through. Yeah.

You know, it's like, just fucking do it. You know, because perfectionism is definitely strangely a part of this equation for me. But you would, no one would ever look at me and say, oh, Oliver is a perfectionist because I'm a very free-spirited person who's kind of all over the place. You know what I mean?

But there is a piece of me that is perfectionist where if it doesn't, if it's not perfect, like fuck it, I can't do it. Right, right. Well, totally. And that's why I think sometimes people say,

well, why didn't this person do this or why not? And it's like sometimes what holds us back or what leads us to procrastinate or don't hit something as hard as we could is the fear of, but if it doesn't come out exactly the way I want, whether that's your perfection

or it's like your own vision of what this is supposed to be like. It's, you just don't do it so that you don't have to confront the feeling of, but I didn't do it as well as I want. Right, exactly. Yeah, it was always like, even with when I started auditioning, I wouldn't put the time in and I would, you know, not do well and not get jobs. And I would be hung over and not take it seriously. And it was, there was a lot of realization in that if I try really,

hard and fail. I'm falling up from a much higher place than if I don't. And I'm like, man, whatever. I didn't get it. I didn't, I was fucking hung over. I didn't try. Exactly. You know, there's a ready made excuse if it doesn't work. Yeah. Yes. It's much scarier when you have to like put your whole effort through and it still doesn't work. You're like, well, now what? Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. How do you have from a psychological place, you know, and we don't have to go through a we don't have to have a session right now but how do you break through those things i mean obviously there's tools there's ways you know how deep seated is that is that does that come from trauma in your life does that come from your dad not being there does that you know and then how do you

move to a place where it's it's no longer just sort of trying to walk in molasses yeah no that's a great metaphor for the feeling that that might give you, especially when you see that it might be a cycle at certain points or with certain situations. And yeah, sometimes it comes from trauma. Sometimes it comes from early messages of, you know, somehow you're not good enough. That could have either been directly given to you by an important adult in your life or it could be your own interpretation to what happened. So like something that I see oftentimes is, again, as children, we're all self-centered and I don't mean this in a bad way. way. It's like we just think that we're the center of our universe. So anything good or bad that happens, you think that you played a role, right? And so when something bad happens in your childhood, there's oftentimes this feeling of maybe I did something or I didn't do something and it was my fault. And that that over time can grow into this essentially, I will say a vulnerable spot where there's insecurity. And oftentimes we don't do things that will actually essentially get us out of those thought patterns

because your brain actually still likes familiarity and anytime something happens that might shake that, it's amazing how your brain is so biased and will just like only incorporate the parts of that situation that still makes sense to you with your existing ideas as opposed to being like, oh wait, does this mean I have to revisit my whole idea about myself and the world? Like, we don't do that very easily, you know?

So I think that that's part of it. It's like, that's why childhood is so important, you know, because it affects us today. You know, I don't think it's helpful to dwell on your childhood and all the bad things that happen just for the sake of doing that. I think that it's important to reflect on it because it will affect your ability to have joy now or like to do the things that you want. Yeah. And then you talk about your inner child, you know, sort of, and again, Hoffman, you deal with all that shit.

I mean, it's- I love that. It's so powerful. Inner child work. Yeah. I used to say that there was B. but now I realize that it's powerful, too, you know? September always feels like the start of something new, whether it's back to school, new projects,

or just a fresh season. It's the perfect time to start dreaming about your next adventure. I love that feeling of possibility, thinking about where to go next, what kind of place will stay in, and how to make it feel like home. I'm already imagining the kind of Airbnb that would make the trip unforgettable, somewhere with charm, character, and a little local

flavor. If you're planning to be away this September, why not consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you're gone? Your home could be the highlight of someone else's trip, a cozy place to land, a space that helps them feel like a local. And with Airbnb's co-host feature, you can hire a local co-host to help with everything from managing bookings to making sure your home is guest ready. Find a co-host at Airbnb.com. CA slash host. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast season four is here. And we're

locked in. That means more juicy chisement. Terrible love advice. Evil spells to cast on your ex. No, no, no, no. We're not doing that this season. Oh. Well, this season, we're leveling up. Each episode will feature a special bestie, and you're not going to want to miss it. Get in here.

Today we have a very special guest with us. Our new super secret bestie is the diva of the people. The divo of the People. I'm just like text your ex. My theory is that if you need to figure out that the stove is hot, go and touch it. Go and figure it out for yourself. Okay.

That's us. That's us. My name is Curley. And I'm Maya. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heart breaks, men, and of course, our favorite secrets. Listen to the Super Secret Bestie Club as a part of the Michael Thura podcast network available on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever. ever you get your podcast. Hi, I'm Janica Lopez and in the new season of the Overcover podcast,

I'm taking you on an exciting journey of self-reflection. Am I ready to enter this new part of my life? Like, am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have kids and to really just devote myself and my time? I wanted to be successful on my own, not just because of who my mom is. Like, I felt like I needed to be better or work twice as hard as she did. Join me for conversations about healing and growth.

Life is freaking hard. And growth doesn't happen in comfort. It happens in motion, even when you're hurting. All from one of my favorite spaces, The Kitchen. Honestly, these are going to come out so freaking amazing. Be a part of my new chapter and listen to the new season of the Overcomper podcast as part of the MyCultura podcast network on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. I had this overwhelming sensation that I had to call it right then.

And I just hit call. I said, you know, hey, I'm Jacob Schick. I'm the CEO of One Tribe Foundation. And I just wanted to call on and let her know there's a lot of people battling some of the very same things you're battling. And there is help out there. The Good Stuff Podcast, season two, takes a deep look into One Tribe Foundation, a nonprofit fighting suicide in the veteran community. September is National Suicide Prevention Month. So join host Jacob and Ashley Schick as they bring you to the front lines of One Tribe's mission.

I was married to a combat army veteran and he actually took his own life to suicide. One Tribe saved my life twice. There's a lot of love that flows through this place and it's sincere. Now it's a personal mission. I don't have to go to any more funerals, you know. I got blown up on a React mission. I ended up having amputation below the knee of my right leg and a traumatic brain injury because I landed on my head. Welcome to Season 2 of the Good Stuff.

Listen to the Good Stuff podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, it's your favorite jersey girl, Gia Jude Ice. Welcome to Casual Chaos, where I share my story. This week, I'm sitting down with Vanderpump Rural Star, Sheena Shea. I don't really talk to either of them, if I'm being honest. There will be an occasional text, one way or the other, from me to Ariana, maybe a happy birthday from Ariana to me. I think the last time I talked to Tom, it was like, congrats on America.

This is a combo you don't want to miss. Listen to Casual Chaos on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I had this therapy session. So I was in therapy, you know, since I was 20, 21, I'm 47. Eventually I found CBT, Cod Behavioral Therapy, which it's vibe with me so much more than the other therapy I was doing. Yeah. Anyway, but this, my therapist at the time, he's like all right oliver we're going to do an exercise and i was like oh god jan his name was

jan and he's like what are we doing today man yeah homework time yeah he's like you're gonna you're gonna talk to your inner child oh my god did you laugh at him oh god i was like what i was like i don't want to do this he's like just do it and i had to sit on the couch and as me as the adult and be like hi oliver like how are you and then move to the other side of the couch be like i'm okay and then like uh and talking it was fucking horrendous yeah yeah yeah the empty chair exercise you have to commit to those things like yeah you have to get over yourself i think that's almost part of the therapy is a rendering to the process more than the actual process you know so anyway yeah that inner child work dealing with that as i've gotten older and when you talk about

self-esteem. For me, it wasn't anyone telling me it wasn't good enough. It was my own, it was me at the age of 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, whatever it was saying, oh, I'm not good enough for you to stay, you know. And, and, you know, and of course it's not my fault, but that's was my perception. So, it's about going back into that little dude and almost healing the little man, essentially. But it's been hard. Like, it's been hard to heal that little dude. Oh, dude. The inner child is, I mean, it goes so deep, right? And what you just described is exactly what happens because as children, you try to explain when bad things happen

with your little five-year-old brain. And yeah, so your five-year-old brain is going to, it's not going to say, oh, well, that's their problem, like why they split up or why he didn't decide to stay. Maybe that's because he's got his own stuff that he's dealing with. Like, you don't know how to think that way when you're five. When you're five, you just think, oh, they didn't love me enough or like that I wasn't good enough.

Like you said, like those are so much more of the. the concepts that just get kind of cemented into your belief of yourself, right? Yeah. And then as you become an adult, even if you get all this other validation and people are constantly telling you how much they care about you and that you are good enough, there's always going to be that eye of skepticism like, really, am I? Like, are you sure? You know, you just kind of, you're just different.

So yeah, like going back to do inner child work, I love that you shared your experience with it because the first time that I had to practice it, um, to, learn how to do it with my patients, I was just rolling my eyes the whole time. I was like, what are we doing? Is this hypnotism, like some pseudoscience, you know? And then you realize, oh, that inner child is, it's a scientific part of yourself. It's kind of that part of your brain that isn't the frontal lobe that's like all about your higher order functioning and your executive functions. It's that part of your brain that is more primordial and it's just like going by feel it might not even know how to expressly discuss what it's feeling because again

the inner child is formed at a time when our language skills were not the way they are when you're adults but there's just like a feeling it's kind of that gut feeling we talk about sometimes we have a gut feeling it's that's the part that i think is connected to your inner child and so you might not be able to totally explain it with your intellect but it's just a feeling you have you're just a feeling that you have that maybe you're not good enough. And it's not about finding all the evidence that you are because, yeah, your intellectual brain knows that. But somehow you just feel that deep down, you know. I guess how do you eliminate? Is it possible to totally eliminate these things? Or is there always residue, you know? Yeah. And I think that for a lot of people,

there may be some residue, but then you start to know that that's what it is. And you can quickly turn your attention to healing your inner child in that moment or validating them. But, you know, back to your questions that I know we got like kind of off track is I think that the best way to kind of fight through some of these scenarios is to really engage with your values. Like, you have to take a step back and say, what are the most important principles that I want to live my life by? And obviously, those are not things you can check off the list. Like, it doesn't matter how many projects you get to work on or how many awards you get. It's more about at the end of the day, even if I've accomplished nothing on my to-do list today, do I still feel good about myself? And that really has to do

with your principles of life. And everybody has different values. They're not things that you can check off, but they're kind of like compass that you follow. And so they could be things like adventure or community or spirituality or knowledge. And it's like, did I do something today that honors some of my top values? And if you can stay on track with that, then I think it helps to push through the times when you don't want to keep going or you question whether or not you should go for it. It's like, well, let's see. Is it important to me based on my top values? If it is, then you got to fight through it. And if not, then maybe this wasn't a worthwhile goal to go after it anyway. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's great. And all the

therapy that I've had, I'm not sure I've even heard that. I like that. It's like you're cementing your foundation. And then once you have that, you know, then you can, from, Situation, situation, you almost have like a bit of a roadmap how to navigate it, you know, rather than just being all over the place. I mean, I do gratitude stuff. Problem with my gratitude stuff is it's the same shit every day. I'm like, I do 10 things. I write 10 things I'm grateful for. I'm like, okay, here we go.

Yeah. Okay. My wife, my kids, you know, the ocean, you know, it's just the same thing. I was trying to sit and think of different things. things, you know. Yeah, yeah. Journaling, you know, just sort of trying to self-express if it's not with someone, you know, even talking to yourself sometimes helps me. Oh, totally. Yeah, self-talk for sure. Yeah. I know. I have conversations with myself all the time. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My inner voice needs to shut the fuck up because it's too much.

I know. Me too. Was there an age? Is there like an age? Is there a, is there a cut off. You know what I mean? When 10, 11, or 13, and then answer that question in two parts, because you did study neuroscience, right? Am I right about that? Okay. So the development of the brain moving from sort of toddler into a teenager. I have a 16 to 14 and an 11 year old. Oh, yes. You know, and as far as parenting goes, understanding that brain from a scientific place can I think really help the way that you parent your kids because their brains are developing and they're all over the place, you know? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I mean, there isn't a cutoff necessarily for attachment styles to cement themselves. And, you know, the whole premise, of course, is that you can heal your attachment at any age. So it doesn't ever, is not ever as static as people might think it is, although it can be. a pattern that you have to notice and then break, you know. But I would say that the most pivotal time for attachment to start to kind of form into a style or a pattern is the first six years of life. That's what we know from research. Doesn't mean that doesn't happen at age nine. It's not continue to transform, but it's like those first six years. And I think it corresponds to when we're the most helpless as a species. Like you have your children. So you know as now they're in

they're 11, 14 and 16. It's like that time when they just started to like dress themselves and like prepare their own breakfast. You're like, oh, this is a lot better. But that kind of happens around that time. It's like that kindergarten first year. Like they start to become a little bit more independent. They have like there are a lot of their own ideas and they can execute some of them. Like I have a toddler. He's almost three. And, you know, he can't execute a lot of his ideas. He has a ton of ideas and he's very demanding. But then I have to do all of his ideas. I'm like, Okay, you know, so anyway, I think it's the age when you start to become more self-sufficient. And that is when you have to rely on your caregivers a little less.

And so I think that's why those first six years are the most foundational, because if your caregiver wasn't around, like, you could literally die. You could. And that's why that's when your attachment bonds and how they impact you are the strongest. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I mean, part of Hoffman's thing was about, you know, self or negative love patterns because we need love to survive, you know, just from an infant.

You need love. And love doesn't, it's how we are perceiving love at that tiny little, our tiny little beings are still, it's not conscious, but there's a perception of love. And if that is negative, if from your parents, it's, you're attaching yourself to those feelings because that's how you feel like you will receive love or that's what it is. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Like that, that's the core of, of that whole. therapy that whole week that I did there you know it's just so fucking interesting I mean that's yeah

just to dive into the mind and now go to the kids and their brains and developmental stuff like first of all when is the brain fully developed oh my gosh so this is always a shocker when I tell everybody this but probably not until age 35 what I know and then this is the craziest part is that then it quickly starts deteriorating so like you're kind of like at the peak of your cognitive prowess, I'll say, around the age of 35, which is also when your executive functions totally forms. And then like literally the year after that, it starts to decline in certain areas, like memory or like attention. And I'm like, that is so crazy. Like so you basically have 12 months to be at your peak cognitive functioning. And then you're done. Yeah. So people,

when they say things like, oh, well, he's 18, like his executive functions are all developed. Like, yeah, you wish. Like, that's absolutely not. That's, that's when they're starting to get on a, on a role of developing. But then it kind of continues for the next 10 to 17 years. So there are some people whose executive functions form by the age of 29 or 30, but pretty much the average is more like 35. And then, but some kids are, their executive functioning is way more developed than others.

I mean, I know that because I have three of them. And my oldest is, you know, but this year was a really big year, meaning, wow, he's doing shit on his own. He's in 10th grade. He was in 10th grade, going to 11. But, you know, before he's like a wilder like, did you do your homework? Whereas my middle, his executive function was just on point. He would just get it done. You know, it's funny how things. Yes. There's just levels of maturity, level of levels of brain development. And I wonder, is that genetic, you think? Yes. Some of us definitely genetic, as well as what they feel they're being rewarded for. So when I was a teenager, I was being rewarded all the time for getting my homework

done on time, et cetera. So like, I did it more because I knew it was a way that I would get validation and support and love, right? So I think it's a combination of genetics and how the environment's responding to you. It's like that with any trait. Like, if you learn from a young age that you're a funny kid, you're probably going to become funnier over time because you know that whenever you crack a joke, people laugh and they're excited, they're happy. Exactly. So then you develop that more. But yeah, so you definitely see differences in people. And I think that the biggest thing with teenagers as they're getting their brain to be in a more mature state is that, yeah, some of their executive functions are growing, like they can do more complex things and they can self-monitor

a little better. But the one thing that I think is the slowest to develop is impulse control. So like, you know, when you're 18 versus 21 versus 31 versus 41, you know, you may still have impulses, but by the time you're 41, like, you just don't act on them as much anymore if you know that it's not a good idea. But when you're 21, you would just act on it. You're like, why not? Who cares? Like, you just don't think about the future the same way. So I think that that's one of the things that's the slowest to mature is just that ability to look at your impulses and be like, is this a good thing to do or not? And then if not, can you kind of move on to something that would be more productive? That's the last thing to come in. Yeah. Yeah. So totally,

still working on impulse control. Right, hello. I get it. It's so hard. Oh, God. I'm still a child. Like, that's the problem.

I love it, though. I love it, though. No, it is, it is. You got to honor that part of you.

You got to honor that part of you. Of course. I know, now I embrace it. But I hear what you're saying. I mean, sometimes, you know,

because my husband and are very different. My husband is much more like he wants things planned way in advance. He doesn't like it when things are out of place. But I love to like wake up one day. And if somehow like I had some patient canceled. I'm like, well, I'm going to Disneyland. Like, I just roll, I just roll up. I'm like, why not?

And he doesn't get that. He's like, why would you do that? Why don't you just stay home and relax? I'm like, no, the whole point is like, it's fun to be impulsive, you know? Yeah. I still want to try to do that. My wife is a planner, man. She's like, okay, well, so in March 2025, I've got, I'm like, what?

I don't even know what I'm going to do on Friday. Okay, I can't, I can't, I can't even go there. We just had a little, not an argument, but I hadn't seen her in a couple days or whatever. And she gets in the car and she starts planning things. I'm like, babe, I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to plan. I'm not trying to plan. I'm just saying like, these are things we have to figure out. I'm like, I know, we can figure them out later. Can we have a beat? Yeah, just an hour. I hear that. I hear that. That's so funny. I know, I know. But it makes it work. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know what I do

without her. Yeah. Exactly. We're attracted to people who are different from us. And I am of the believe that you tend to be attracted to somebody whether you know it or not to somebody who shows you like a different way of life like I don't really see a lot of people who are just always the same in terms of how their approaches I think my husband balances me out because if it wasn't for him I'd just be like running up I mean I'm very accident prone so I'll just constantly just like fall while I'm running like things like that and he's just so careful he's never had a fall like literally in his life and I'm like well it's probably good to find somewhere in between because I'm sick of getting all these injuries all the time.

September always feels like the start of something new, whether it's back to school, new projects, or just a fresh season. It's the perfect time to start dreaming about your next adventure. I love that feeling of possibility, thinking about where to go next, what kind of place will stay in and how to make it feel like home. I'm already imagining the kind of Airbnb that would make the trip unforgettable somewhere with charm character and a little local flavor. If you're planning to be away this September, why not consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you're gone? Your home could be the highlight of someone else's trip, a cozy place to land, a space that helps them feel like a local. And with Airbnb's co-host feature, you can hire a local co-host to help with

everything from managing bookings to making sure your home is guest ready. Find a co-host at Airbnb.ca slash host. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast season four is here. And we're locked in. That means more juicy chisement. Terrible love advice. Evil spells to cast on your ex. No, no, no, no, we're not doing that this season.

Oh, well, this season we're leveling up. Each episode will feature a special Bestie and you're not going to want to miss it. Get in here! Today we have a very special guest with us. Our new Super Secret Bestie is The Deva of the People. The Deva of the People. I'm just like Text Your Ex. My theory is that if you need to figure out that the stove is hot, go and touch it.

Go and figure it out for yourself. Okay. That's us. That's us. My name is Curley. And I'm Maya. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreaks, men, and of course, our favorite secrets. Listen to the Super Secret Bestie Club

As a part of the Michael Thura Podcast Network Available on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. I had this overwhelming sensation that I had to call her right then. And I just hit call. I said, you know, hey, I'm Jacob Schick. I'm the CEO of One Tribe Foundation

and I just want to call on and let her know there's a lot of people battling some of the very same things you're battling. And there is help out there. The Good Stuff Podcast Season 2 takes a deep look into One Tribe Foundation, a non-profit fighting suicide in the veteran community. September is National Suicide Prevention Month,

so join host Jacob and Ashley Schick as they bring you to the front lines of One Tribe's mission. I was married to a combat army veteran, and he actually took his own life to suicide. One Tribe saved my life twice. There's a lot of love that flows through this place, and it's sincere. Now it's a personal mission. Don't want to have to go to any more funerals, you know.

I got blown up on a React mission. I ended up having amputation below the knee of, my right leg and a traumatic brain injury because I landed on my head. Welcome to Season 2 of the Good Stuff. Listen to the Good Stuff podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hi, I'm Jenna Lopez. And in the new season of the Overcomfit podcast, I'm taking you on an exciting journey

of self-reflection. Am I ready to enter this new part of my life? Like, am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have kids and to really just devote myself and my time? I wanted to be successful on my own, not just. because of who my mom is. Like, I felt like I needed to be better or work twice as hard as she did. Join me for conversations about healing and growth.

Life is freaking hard. And growth doesn't happen in comfort. It happens in motion, even when you're hurting. All from one of my favorite spaces, The Kitchen. Honestly, these are going to come out so freaking amazing. Be a part of my new chapter and listen to the new season of the Overcomper podcast as part of the MyCultura podcast network on the IHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, it's your favorite jersey girl, Gia Judice. Welcome to Casual Chaos, where I share my story. This week, I'm sitting down with Vanderpump Role Star, Sheena Shea. I don't really talk to either of them, if I'm being honest.

There will be an occasional text, one way or the other, from me to Ariana, maybe a happy birthday from Ariana to me. I think the last time I talked to Tom It was like, congrats on America's Got Talent This is a combo you don't want to miss Listen to Casual Chaos on the IHeart Radio app

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts Going back to the four pillars, as we call them, I guess I was just, it popped into my motion It's interesting to think that Without the negativity, some of the greatest things probably would never be invented. Exactly. The mankind would look differently.

I mean, I don't know Steve Jobs, but, you know, if sometimes you, because you've had these situations in your life and because you are one of the four, in the negative ones anyway, you know, the anxious attachment or whatever, it has spurned on people to do incredible things

and to change the world. Yep. You know? so it's not all there there there there is really i mean of course there's negative but there's all you can always turn those negatives into something incredible yeah i mean where would we be without negative self-talk and negative thoughts i mean you have to have some of that and and actually negative thinking is adaptive to a degree if we didn't think about the potential threats that would hurt us we would not be alive as a species i mean i know that we talk about mindfulness and it's

such an important part of well-being, et cetera. But if you think back to the caveman days, the people who were mindful were dead. I mean, our ancestors are not the mindful ones. The people who were being mindful got eaten by bears. They didn't see. Right. So, like, you have to understand, too, that, like,

in terms of a hereditary perspective, like the anxious brain was what was passed down to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the nervous Nellys that are alive now, you know? Right. Anyway, like you said, a lot of the most amazing inventions wouldn't be invented. a lot of the greatest artworks would not be developed if there wasn't a negative perspective

because that feels ideas for our survival and our thriving. Totally. And when you talk about art, too, more art than anything, you know, it's my world is just, you know, not art itself, but just the arts, the artistic endeavors, I guess. And how many of us are crazy, you know, how many us, how much amazing things are coming from your pain and your anxiety, you know, that is a form of expression mostly comes from something negative. And when you're looking at comedians stand-ups, most of them are fucked up. Most of them are, they use that as an outlet. Right. It's a coping strategy for them.

It's a coping mechanism, for sure, you know, so it's pretty phenomenal. It's really interesting. Yeah, when you think about it, and you're absolutely right, I mean, when you think about the arts and obviously that requires digging deep, people just don't dig that deep when things are going well. It's like, what does it to dig into? I'm happy, you know? People are kind of just like reveling in that moment as opposed to, well, why do I feel this way? Why am I so upset? Why do I have depression?

Like those are the things that really cause you to think deeply and reflect on the human condition. And then that's what people respond to when you produce artwork in that vein. Yeah. Because it speaks to like a universality of what everybody feels. Yeah. My problem is that I'm like a fair weather mindfulness person, meaning when I'm not feeling well, I've been through a bounce of anxiety and it's just a part of my life. You know, I'm on Lexa Pro and I've learned to deal with it over 20 plus years. But, you know, when I am starting to get into a funky place, I meditate my ass off. I write my journal. Like I run. I do this. And I'm like, all right, I feel great. Like, where's the tequila? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of the maintenance, just maintain. The maintenance. Oh, I know. That is the hardest, though. Like I was saying, when things are going well, it's easy to not want to do them because you're like, oh, I'm just going to enjoy feeling well. Yeah. But yeah, prevention and maintenance is such a big piece of it.

And it is hard. I mean, I think that that feeling is very, I think it's very relatable. Like, I think that I've learned that over time that if I don't do the, the prevention and maintenance and like I burn out much quicker and I just kind of I have to. So there are times when I rather not, but I'm like, oh, I better do it, you know, I better do do you practice. I mean, do you meditate or do you practice? Oh, no, I hate, I hate meditation. Yeah, you do. But I do practice mindfulness. But I hate meditation. I don't know. You know, I have to like, is it too hard? I mean, I can't sit there and do this. Yes, yes. And I think that that tells you

a lot about kind of where my starter attachment style was. Like, I just, I feel like I have no time for it, you know? Like, I was, I always love being this workaholic, being busy all the time. It's like, yeah, but you know, maybe it's because you don't really want to think so deeply about certain things, you know, but I have found a happy medium. I do visualizations. I think that those are more effective for me. Yeah. Inner child stuff, a lot of that's visualization.

That works for me. But just meditating, like, I know some amazing practitioner. They just like sit there for 30 minutes and clear. clear their mind or whatever. I think I've done five minutes. Yeah. So, like, that's kind of my threshold. And then with mindfulness, too, I prefer what I call practical mindfulness,

which is doing something that I'm already doing every day, but single-minded, don't have distractions. And some of those can be so mundane. It's like folding laundry, but not also talking on the phone at the same time. Right. Just being like one, like, this is my attention. Love that. It's so true.

Meditation, I think there's, there's a connotation of the word where it's you're sitting, you know, cross-legged and with your elbow, hands on your knees. But meditation is not that. There's all the different forms of meditations, walking meditation, sports can be meditation, anything. Fishing for me is my meditation, you know, where you are on a singular focus scuba diving is probably the greatest thing in the world.

All you hear is your breath, you know, and you're floating. So I think to each their own, there is no right way to do it. Exactly. I used to judge myself all the time, like, oh, my gosh, I can't do meditation the way that we traditionally think of meditation. But you're absolutely right. Like, I run every day, and that's my meditation time, essentially. I don't have anything else open. Sometimes I run with no music. Yeah. And that's it. How long, what's your, how many miles? What do you run? What's your typical? Like five miles. I used to run a little more. Yeah, five miles a day. Some days I run three if I have

less time. But like, it really helps. The first 10 minutes is kind of painful. So I have to get past that part. So I try to do like a 45 minute to 60 minute run and depending on how I'm feeling that day. It's like how fast. Yeah, the first part of the run is horrendous. And then you get the zone. You get in the zone. You get that runners high that everyone talks about. And it's there. It's true. I'm like, I really attest to that. But it's like an endorphin rush. It's like my free, my free endorphins for the day. Like I really want to make sure I get that. But yeah, anytime I stop running and a lot of times it's been physical injury as I've gotten older, it really changed. changes my mindset. It does. It's so crazy how quickly you become a dark person without your

go-to-toping strategy. What do you run? Like what are your miles? Like how fast? 10 minutes. I'm a jogger. I'm just like a slow, slow jogger. It's okay. Oh, no, I'm not a good runner. No, I'm a bad runner. That's not the whole point is that it's okay if you're not good at it. You know, I've had to like really no, but I totally resonate with your saying. So everyone, everyone has music when they run. I don't. Yeah. Because I listen to my footsteps and my breath and my mind is able to just go, you know. It's so great. Oh, I love it.

I've had some amazing revelations running. Like, again, it's mindfulness, but it's not like I'm trying to direct my thoughts, right? So sometimes I have like a really creative idea when I'm running. And I'm like so excited. I'm like, oh, yeah. But it wasn't like I was going for that. You know, it's just, you're just kind of being okay with whatever comes. Yeah, that's what's cool about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Your book came out in March. What's it called? Give us a little preview where it's already out, but give us an overview. Yeah. So it's called the new rules of attachment. And it's about identifying your attachment style, understanding how you can heal it at any age and stage. And also learning how to get along with people with other attachment styles. I think that that's really important. Most people do not end up partnering with a person with the same attachment style or there's some important person in their life, whether it's a coworker or a family member or a really. dear friend who just communicates differently than you do. And I think of attachment style sometimes as manifesting almost like love languages. Like people need different things to feel good. And so it's important to know those types of tips too as you're doing your own healing work about how to have conversations and how to be in relationship with others who might be coming from a different perspective than you are. That's great. So basically, if you're meeting someone

and falling in love and you have the same attachment style, just get out. No. No. that's hilarious. Well, I think you would see each other's blind spots a lot more. But you might also use the same coping in a bad way. Like two avoidance, I think that's tough, right? Because then like there's nobody to like feel the engine really. Like anytime things get too intimate, they both just kind of go to their corners. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And do you have a podcast? Yeah, I have a podcast. It's a, it's a very, very short one. It's like a 10-minute podcast that I just launched a few weeks ago. It's called, it's called Mental, health bites with Dr. Judy. So basically in 10 minutes, you just get like a timely topic and answer to a burning question and then a practical tip to to charge up your mental wellness for the day. I love that. Thank you. That's because that's how we operate now and bites. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

we don't have the time. Short attention spans. Yes. It's crazy. I know, but that's the way it works. Okay. Final question. What am I? Okay. We're ready. I think you have predominantly anxious attachment mixed with secure. That's what I think. I think it's predominantly anxious attachment, right? And like a little spice of... You got the secure. Sprinkles of secure.

In every part of life, it feels like. It kind of just comes out in like the most inconvenient places. Like you're secure when things are going well, right? And then it's only when you're stressed that the anxious attachment starts to like rear its head. You're like, what's up? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I just sort of spin out.

sometimes where I'm just like, dude, what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah. Why am I still analyzing this? And this pain that is just hasn't even happened yet. And you're tripping. And for your, you know, I mean, it's unbelievable what our brains, how incredibly powerful our brains are. It's. Yeah. We can cause physical ailments with with this organ in our head. It's unbelievable. It's so crazy. But here's a reframe though for your supposedly anxious over-analytical mind, that's just a very, very strong survival instinct. So I love this little exercise of just basically thanking your mind when you notice it spinning out.

Like, I give my mind a name. My mind's name is Betty right now. And I'll just be like, thanks, Betty, but I got it. You know, like, that's just sometimes enough to shake me out of something where it's like, look, you can keep analyzing this, but there's actually no solution and there's nothing you can do about it. So you got to just, you know, recently my main thing has been about existential stuff because I'm in midlife.

I'm only a couple years younger than you. I think I'm the same age as your sister. So I've been thinking a lot about life and death stuff. Yeah. I just have to stop myself and be like, thanks, Betty. Because guess what? Like, we are all going to die. So yeah.

Yeah. When we get off, I'm going to name in my brain because I like that. Because I get it all existential too where the death thing freak me the fuck out. Breaks me out. Because they've got kids and I'm like, I got to need to be there for them. And my dad wasn't, I'm going to, you know, and then you just got to sort of everyone's going to go. I know. You can't, you know what?

It's not, there's nothing you can do about it, you know. There's something you can do. It's not like the movie that your mom was in death becomes her, which was actually one of my favorite movies. Great movie. And I'm just like, you know, you can imagine that. But you see, there was also still a lesson to be learned. Yeah. Nobody can live forever.

No. he's not well. Exactly. You gotta just, yeah, but I was getting into these crazy little like loops of like thinking about what it would feel like the moment I died. Oh, yeah. And you know, so you just have to stop. You're like, so you know what?

It's coming for you. I used to trip myself out as a kid or teenager like 13, 14. I'm like, what is death? And I still do it today sometimes. I'm like, is it just blackness? It's just black. I know. And then I'm like, well, you're not going to be conscious to know that it's black.

So it wouldn't be scared. But then the idea that I am no longer going to be existing on this planet, like what? Such a crazy, trippy. Just trip yourself out. You can really trip yourself out. That's when you have to say, thanks, Betty, but I got it. Let's move on. Good.

Well, this has been so fun. I appreciate the time. Oh, I appreciate you too. You've taught me things. I'm going to name my brain right after we get off of this. Awesome. I appreciate you. Thank you.

Thank you. All right. Fun, fun. Yeah, have a good day. Bye. Okay, you too. Bye. Okay, I think I'm going to name my brain Doug.

Hey, Doug. Shut the fuck up. I like it. I think Doug is a perfect name for my brain. So much interesting things or so many interesting things, right? Not so much. Man, what it's like to be full of that much knowledge about one specific topic and then how you live your life accordingly you know what i mean like when things go wrong

and her relationships or in her you know oh their husband or whatever does she ever spin out or does betty always she always just knows how to talk to betty i guess i don't know but she was uh she was great everyone's great i always say that everyone's great because no one really hasn't hasn't been great everyone's honestly been great but it would be weird if someone we finished i'm like that was not good that just didn't go very well maybe we'll find one of those but not today not today the doctor came through with a ton of wisdom and um yeah i learned something new every day hopefully you do too this is oliver hudson signing off Hey, it's your favorite jersey girl, Gia Judice.

Welcome to Casual Chaos, where I share my story. This week, I'm sitting down with Vanderpump Rural Star, Sheena Shea. I don't really talk to either of them, if I'm being honest. There will be an occasional text, one way or the other, from me to Ariana. Maybe a happy birthday from Ariana to me. I think the last time I talked to Tom, it was like, congrats on America's Got Talent. This is a combo you don't want to miss. Listen to Casual Chaos on the IHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. It may look different, but Native Culture is alive. My name is Nicole Garcia, and on Burn Sage, Burn Bridges, we aim to explore that culture. Somewhere along the way, it turned into this full-fledged award-winning comic shop. That's Dr. Lee Francis IV, who opened the first Native comic bookshop. Explore his story along with many other Native stories on the show, Burn Sage Burn Bridges. Listen to Burn Sage Burn Bridges on the iHeart Radio. app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, guys, it's Stephanie Beatriz. And Melissa Fumero, and this is More Better. We are jumping right in and ready to hear from you. Your thoughts, your questions, your feelings about socks with sandals. And we're ready to share some possibly questionable advice and hot takes. God, that sucks so hard, though. I'm so sorry. Can you out petty them?

Can you match their pettiness for funsies? Yeah. All the things. Because aren't we all trying to get a little more better? Listen to more or better on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Culture eats strategy for breakfast, right? On a recent episode of Culture Raises Us, I was joined by Valicia Butterfield, media founder, political strategist, and tech powerhouse for a powerful conversation on storytelling, impact, and the intersections of culture and leadership.

I am a free black woman. From the Obama White House to Google to the Grammys, Valicia's journey is a master class in shifting culture and using your voice to spark change. Listen to Culture Raises us on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Lauren came in. From standout speeches to the shows and stars making all of the history, my podcast, The Latest with Lauren the Rosa, has your full Emmys breakdown. The wins, the surprises, the cultural impact, and what it really means for us. I'm a homegirl that knows a little bit about everything and everybody.

Listen to the latest with Lauren the Rosa from the Black Effect podcast. network on the iHeart radio app you can get it at apple podcast or wherever you listen to your podcast this is an iHeart podcast