Sibling Revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson - Revel In It: Oliver's Love Language

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

In this episode he is joined by Intimacy Expert Dr. Viviana Coles who offers some SHOCKING truths about sex and relationships. Can pillow talk actually save your marriage? Which love language appeals to you?Plus, a foreplay confession from Oliver and what he considers 'chore porn!'  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an IHeart podcast. September is a great time to travel, especially because it's my birthday in September, especially internationally. Because in the past, we've stayed in some pretty awesome Airbnbs in Europe. Did we've one in France, we've one in Greece,

we've actually won in Italy a couple of years ago. Anyway, it just made our trip feel extra special. So if you're heading out this month, consider hosting your home on Airbnb. With the co-host feature, you can hire someone local to help manage everything. Find a co-host at Airbnb.ca slash host.

In early 1988, federal agents raced to track down the gang they suspect of importing millions of dollars worth of heroin into New York from Asia. Had 30 agents ready to go with shotguns and rifles and you name of it. Five, six white people pushed me in the car. Basically, your stay-at-home moms were picking up these large amounts of heroin. All you got to do is receive the package. Don't have to open it, just accept it. She was very upset, crying. Once I saw the gun, I tried to take his hand, and I saw the flash of light.

Listen to the Chinatown Stang on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Jenna Lopez, and in the new season of the Overcomfit Podcast, I'm even more honest, more vulnerable, and more real than ever. Am I ready to enter this new part of my life? Like, am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have kids and to really just devote myself and my time? Join me for conversations about healing and growth, all from one of my favorite spaces, The Kitchen. Listen to the new season of the Overcombered podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hi, I'm Kate Hudson.

And my name is Oliver Hudson. We wanted to do something that highlighted our relationship. And what it's like to be siblings. We are A Sibling Reavory No, no Sibling Rehury Don't do that with your mouth

Sibling Reveory That's good All right, I just finished A meditation Because that's what I'm doing now Finding wellness in my life For about two weeks

and then it will go away. That seems to be my pattern. You know, hit the health shit hard for a minute. Feel pretty good about yourself. Look in the mirror. Oh, you look pretty good. Yeah, look inside your brain. Oh, yeah, look, I'm feeling kind of good.

And then, okay, I guess I'm done. Consistency is the key. And that's what I need to sort of focus on. But yeah, I did a meditation. You know what I listen to, Sam Harris, who I love? He has a podcast. I mean, he's big time. He has an app called Waking Up that I love.

Great for meditation. Even though I've been doing it for a minute or, you know, understand kind of the parameters of meditation and how to do it, he still has this intro to meditation that takes you through each day. It's like 10 minutes and it's guided. And even if you've been meditating for a minute. it's nice to listen to it's kind of great um so yeah i did my meditation tried to stop my mind from wandering tried to stop thinking about the day and all the shit you know and all the issues anyway i ramble i rant but on a lighter topic intimacy and sex uh we have viviana Coles, Dr. Viviana Coles here, who's an intimacy expert.

And she's in her waiting room right now. But I'm excited because, you know, I have to say I'm excited about everything. It's kind of like the, he's like, oh, I'm excited to talk to this person, that person. But I will say that I am, to be straight up, I'd say 75% of the time, 80%, like really excited to talk to the guests because of what I might be able to learn. And actually, I was going to bed last night thinking about the podcast and how cool it is, not just because, you know, you make a little scratch, make a little money, you get paid. And it's always fun to talk to people. I love being conversational. But also because of the shit that I learn. You know, I mean, the things that I learned about myself.

I mean, I meditated today and wrote a whole list in my calendar of how my day is going to be mapped out because of an interview I did yesterday, you know, about manifestation, about how to sort of create and what are the steps. So I'm always excited to talk to some of these experts because I know that I'm going to learn something about myself too. And if you listen to this show, you know, I inject my own shit into everything that I talk about. But intimacy is definitely an extremely personal, interesting, relatable topic for me, and I'm sure for a lot of people, especially for a man, you know, what vulnerability looks like, how to be vulnerable, what intimacy looks like, all of the different sort of aspects of intimacy, sex, all of it. So let's get into it. Let's talk,

let's talk about sex. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about O-L-I-E. That's my my name. All right. Let's bring it on. There she is. Why? Well, I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy to talk to you. You know, I have dealt with my own shit as far as intimacy, vulnerability goes. I have learned a lot sort of about myself and how understanding what intimacy means to me, what vulnerability means to me, and how that sort of has affected both good and bad, honestly, my relationships, not just with, you know, my wife, but, you know, with the people around me, you know, as a man, I feel like it was hard for me to be vulnerable to express myself for fear of judgment or not feeling man enough or whatever all of those, all that bullshit is. But how did you get into

all this first of all? And let's just get rolling because it's going to get nuts. You don't really know you don't know me yet but you will and and uh i feel like i know a little too much about you i've listened to some of these podcasts i think i think um there might be a little bit too much information especially judging off of the intro to teddy's uh part one that's right that's right it's awesome that teddy's been on here because you know we've run into each other in l.A and you know she's a big fan of my book as well and i'm just like so thrilled And then when I started hearing what y'all were talking about, I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, y'all know each other differently.

I've always just been a big fan of love. At first, it was just, you know, kind of like the sense of romanticism. I come from a lot of really good examples of long-term, what seemed to be at least healthy, happy relationships. and it became pretty clear early on that that was something that was a real big goal of mine. I was just actually talking to my brother this morning and they're celebrating 22 years married. My parents will be celebrating 50 years married this year. I'll be celebrating 17 years married this year. So I really have come from a lot of people who believe in marriage and who believe in fighting for a really tough marriage and for a really great marriage.

But it's, it really did start. to come into my life as a career when I knew I wanted to talk for a living. I love talking. I just do. I love talking about anything. And when I spoke to one of my earlier advisors, college advisors, I said, I want to talk for a living. She's like, what do you want to talk about?

I want to talk to people. What about what? I'm like, well, they're always talking to you about their problems. Even early on, I was one of the few at an all-girls school who had like a boyfriend. And, you know, so people were always wanting to get into my business. And I'm like, sure, I'll tell you what's going on. Yeah. And so it's always been a big part of my life.

But then I realized, wow, the impact that a healthy marriage or even just a healthy long-term committed relationship has on everything around you is so vast. It really does impact everything. I want to be a part of that. I want to be a part of helping couples to stay connected in all. ways as far as intimacy, especially emotional and physical. And if I can do that, then I feel like I'm in a good mission. It's also really rewarding. I'm a certified sex therapist. I'm a relationship in sex therapist. So I just, I find that it's never the same. Well, that's what's so interesting

is everyone has, you know, completely different issues, obviously. And it's relatable. I mean, there's no doubt about it. There are, you know, probably a set of few that people can very much so relate to, you know, but everyone is so different in what they want and what makes them happy and, you know, what gives them pleasure emotionally, physically, and how those things match up within a relationship. And if they don't, then how to sort of navigate that. I mean, typically with the love languages, you know, which we had him on, actually, which was, it's just, it's so awesome. I mean, it's so fucking real, you know, that, that shit is so real. That's the first episode that I heard of y'all's.

I love the five love languages. I am just, it's almost like Dr. Gary Chapman's kind of a bit of a rock star, right, in my world. And what he's done with a book that came out in 1992. To me, I was like, this. has really revolutionized the way that couples can talk, and not just couples, everyone can talk about love. But I always got the question, but what about sex? Yeah. That was who was coming to me, but what about sex? Because we know we love each other. We know how to express our emotional sides and how to relate and connect and the emotional intimacy side, but what about the physical?

And that was the part that I said, you know what, after years of having to respond to that, I'm going to write a book about it. And the pandemic provided some opportunities for really being able to buckle down. And so I was able to do it then. But it was, you know, it's been amazing. I was so thrilled to hear from your team that you were interested in it as well because, you know, I'm professionally self-published. And we're not used to like, I'm always fascinated when people and how people find out about the book. So I'm glad that you've heard about it too. but I mean, ideally in 20 years, the four intimacy styles will have a little bit of what the five love languages has done.

Yeah, no, I mean, I love that. I think that's so smart, by the way, you know, because, I mean, I imagine it's different when you're getting physical, you know, but what it did for my relationship was just sort of acknowledge the way that we like to be loved and then having to sort of sort of. switch the way that we love because it's not always the same you know i'm very physical touch and my wife is acts of service right so you know if i'm washing the dishes and i'm taking out the trash and i am like working around the house and i am doing things it's it that's how she feels love you know and that's how i get laid too feels supported and that's how she feels like the two of you are on the same team, which I'm constantly, like, in my private practice, that's what I'm really always trying to help couple to remember, especially when they've been arguing and fighting and disagreeing so much. It's like, you're on the same team. Yeah, 100%. And then mine is a physical

touch where, you know, I would be doing something and I'd feel her past behind me. And I'm like, is she going to touch me? Is she going to touch me? Oh, she didn't touch me. And you have to learn how to sort of be that for the other person, you know, even though she doesn't need physical touch because she had enough of it in her childhood or however you want to sort of psychologically place it, you know, she doesn't need it so she doesn't give it. You know, for me, acts of service, like it doesn't do anything for me. Like I'm like, oh, cool, yeah, that's awesome. Thanks. But that's not, you know, the way that I... That even hit the spot. Yeah. But then when it comes to all things physical intimacy, it's even more diverse. And it's even actually more difficult to talk

about because it's not as if you can find out, hey, this is someone's intimacy style. Now, I'm going to do that. You can't see intimacy style because you experience something totally different. They need to be able, and in my professional opinion, they need to be able to experience all four of the intimacy styles in nearly all or every sexual experience in order to really be able to feel connected long term. You can't be without one or the other. You need to have them all, which is something that differentiates it from the five love languages. A hundred percent. And by the way, relating sort of the love languages or that emotional sort of love and then translating it to the physical, I will say that when I am providing acts of service, like,

more times than not, it's going to lead to getting late because I'll be doing the dishes or I'll be doing something and she comes up like, babe, like what? Like, you know, I mean, it's, it's amazing the way that that works. The chore porn. You're such a point. The chore for 100%. But explain the, you know, how do you call the four intimacy? The four intimacy style. Okay. So let's let's go through all four. are fun and let everyone know what's up yeah the first of the four intimacy styles is bonding and these are in particular order so just you know there's no like hierarchy here um it's bonding and this is people who are of the bonding style will seek out physical intimacy in order to experience more emotional intimacy they need to feel physically connected through sexuality with their partner in order

to feel like they're actually connected. So it's very, very important to them. And duty sex, no. They're not going to, they're not okay with that. Like, that's a big no, no. Then we have release. And these are the people who really prioritize that physiological release of tension. They want the ecstasy.

They want all the pleasure. They're really prioritizing the physiological effects and euphoric feelings that happen during sex. And then we have giving. These are the people who. who it's all about the other person. They feel that like, wow, all is right in the world if I'm able to give you that big O. All is right in the world if you are associating pleasure with me.

And then we have responsive. Responsive is probably the least understood, but maybe the most common. And that's when someone doesn't have internal, necessarily like internal urges for sex. It's always in response to their partner saying, hey, you want to get brisky, hey, let's go upstairs, whatever. Then they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

But they're not necessarily experiencing that outside of a relationship. Of course, humans, so they have sexual urges, but they don't necessarily seek out partner experiences. And that can be one of the most difficult to be understood, because for a lot of them, they're thinking, I just have low desire for sex. It's not that they have low desire for sex. They just don't have it on the brain as often.

often as everybody else. They, they love it when they do. They usually have really intense experiences. It's just in between those experiences. It's not on the brain. September always feels like the start of something new, whether it's back to school, new projects, or just a fresh season. It's the perfect time to start dreaming about your next adventure. I love that feeling of possibility, thinking about where to go next, what kind of place will stay in and how to make it feel like home. I'm already imagining the kind of Airbnb that would make the trip unforgettable, somewhere with charm character and a little local flavor. If you're planning to be away this September, why not consider hosting your home on Airbnb while

you're gone? Your home could be the highlight of someone else's trip, a cozy place to land, a space that helps them feel like a local. And with Airbnb's co-host feature, you can hire a local co-host to help with everything from managing bookings to making sure your home is guest ready. Find a co-host at Airbnb.ca slash host. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast season four is here. And we're locked in. That means more juicy cheesement. Terrible love advice.

Evil spells to cast on your ex. No, no, no, no. We're not doing that this season. Oh, well, this season we're leveling up. Each episode will feature a special Bestie and you're not going to want to miss it. Get in here! Today we have a very special guest with us. Our new super secret bestie is The Deva of the People.

The Deva of the People. I'm just like text your ex. My theory is that if you need to figure out that the stove is hot, go and touch it. Go and figure it out for yourself. Okay. That's us. My name is Curley.

And I'm Maya. In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreak, men, and of course, our favorite secrets. Listen to the Super Secret Bestie Club As a part of the Marco Tura podcast network available on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hi, I'm Janica Lopez

and in the new season of the Overcover podcast, I'm taking you on an exciting journey of self-reflection. Am I ready to enter this new part of my life? Like, am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have kids and to really just devote myself and my time? I wanted to be successful on my own, not just because of who my mom is. Like, I felt like I needed to be better or work twice as hard as she did.

Join me for conversations about healing and growth. Life is freaking hard. And growth doesn't happen in comfort. It happened in motion, even when you're hurting. All from one of my favorite spaces, The Kitchen. Honestly, these are going to come out so freaking amazing. Be a part of my new chapter and listen to the new season of the Overcomper podcast as part of the MyCultura podcast network on the IHeart Heart.

Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Are we one or the other? Or like you said, we are, we encompass all of those. Yeah. So actually, I have a quiz in the book and online that you can take for free. It's the 4 Intimacy Styles Quiz.com. And it'll give you the percentage of each that you currently are. And what you want to do is try to experience.

25% of each. So you're rounding out your intimacy style in order to be at your best when you're partnered with someone. Because when two people who are both rounded out come together, they tend to feel satisfied, fulfilled for the long term. Yes, of course. If you're just hooking up with someone and you want to be all released, go for it. If you're all about giving in that moment, if you're like, it's just this one time, then you can do whatever. But if you're looking for long-term connection and the truth is we all need to be prioritizing our physical intimacy, I believe it is the number one reason that people end up leaving long-term relationships is because it dies.

And it's so important for people to know that. In the book, of course, I talk about this at length, but so many people will leave a relationship and their partner will never know that it was because of sex because in our society, we still think that that's too shallow, but what about everything else? Right. If you're not satisfied sexually and you don't have any hope that it's going to be, you should either, you know, get help and but if no help after that or no hope after that, I would prefer that they leave because guess what happens when you're dissatisfied in your long-term relationship and you're expecting to be found. Find somewhere else. Or you're in, you're incredibly miserable by yourself. Yeah, miserable. Yeah. No, I couldn't

agree more. I mean, I, I, I preach this, you know, when I, we have these conversations amongst friends and other people, you know, about relationships. If you don't have sex and if you don't have a healthy sex life, then, yeah, what do you? You're just friends. That's what I say. I said, like, I could just, you know, raise my children with my best friend. It would be great. I mean, it would probably be fun, you know, but if you don't have that connection, if you don't have that sexual chemistry, that connection, then a relationship to me is over. You mentioned that you do things to kind of help create more of an opportunity. So, of course, as a sex therapist, I get people who are like, okay, so you just want people to have sex. I'm like, no, no, no, I want people to want to have sex. That's a very different thing. Most healthy people can have sex. But when it's truly satisfying, fulfilling, and is serving the purpose of bonding and connecting

you in this crazy life that's always trying to keep us away from each other, it serves a purpose that's much greater than just the physiological act of having sex. And one of the things that you've mentioned is kind of coming up on my radar more generally, not just in my practice, is this idea of having an underlying current of sensuality in your relationship that you can tap in and out of, right? And a lot of people feel like they're just flipping a switch. You're either having sex or you're not. And they're going from cold to hot. And it is something that everyone will be like, oh yeah, I've been there where it just feels like, where is this coming from? Like we were just changing a diaper. We were just like outside, you know, doing the yard.

like, how are you horny right now? And so what I'm trying to help people to understand now is that the term that I use for that is pillow talk. You need to have pillow talk in your relationship outside of the bedroom, outside of an actual sexual experience. It's so important for you to show that you're interested in your partner, that you're interested in sex with your partner, and of course, vice versa in order to make sense of having sex. Make sense of having sex in your relationship by doing the Pillow Talk. And fortunately,

I've got my act together. It's been a long road, but I'm going to be sharing a free Masterclass online for everyone who's interested in making sure that they're living a relationship where it makes sense that sex happens. It's going to be a part of my website. So if you go to Pillotockmasterclass.com to register June 10th at 1230 Central. that's going to be an opportunity. It's the only time that I'll be offering any of this for free, so get there. But yeah, it really is for anyone

who's interested in making sure that they know how to keep that spark alive. I'm sure Oliver, you've heard lots of people who are like, how do we keep the spark? How do we keep the spark? I mean, I get that question at least like 10 times a month. And this is how you do it. And the truth is, I got it from living it.

My husband and I, like, we do a lot of pillow talk, a lot of pillow talk. And I feel like it has made the biggest, difference in our connection outside of the bedroom because of course in the bedroom there's all sorts of fun things that can be going on and it's very focused on sex but outside of that how do we know that we want each other without like necessarily always having sex no no i mean i think it's it's awesome and and by the way you know pillow talk is is personal meaning it's different for everybody you know um it can be gnarly and dirty and nasty it can be you know sensual it can be

sort of again um just talk telling someone how much you love them and appreciate them or showing them i'm saying i'm just i'm for whatever reason picturing like texting but yes yeah absolutely and sometimes words are easier for people typing and using sort of, you know, a computer or a phone than it is to sort of say them out loud to someone's face. And I only know that because that is me. You know, I've worked on that part of being more vulnerable and having the ability without feeling shy or that I'm going to be judged or somehow left psychologically. Because It all, your psychology all plays into your sexuality, too, I believe. You know, I mean, from how you grew up to your relationship with women or men.

The messages that you got about sex or did not get any messages about sex? A hundred percent. It's all in there. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, for me, it's always been much easier to write than it is to sort of say in person. And I've been sort of working on that. And I couldn't agree more. Well, then we'll have to work on your pillow talk.

We'll have to work on getting you to a better place with that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, for sure. I mean, so I did this, I'll come up every fucking episode on my podcast, but I did this program called the Hoffman Institute, and it was amazing. And without getting into the whole thing, because everyone's heard it a million times, it's just dealing with childhood patterns, you know, and how they've affected your life. I came out of this week-long course just so open, so comfortable with my vulnerability, unafraid to express how I feel to my wife, to everyone around me, you know.

And as men, there's this sort of idea, as you said, that we need to have sex to feel connected and that women need to feel connected to have sex. That is the stereotype, okay? And I lived that stereotype. I did. If we went a week or two without having sex, there's some, it shit happens where you all of a sudden have resentment that you don't understand. And it gets kind of contentious a little. The minute that I was able to be vulnerable, truly vulnerable, as a man especially, our sex life blossomed even more. So our sex life has always been good. But it deepened to where it was unbelievable. I mean, the physical. was always there, but once I was able to sort of really become a vulnerable person to her and express myself to her and how I felt about her, it allowed her to let go as well. And all of a sudden shit just went crazy. And I'm not talking about, you know, like soft core sort of nice music. Like it can get just as gnarly and dirty and graphic as you want. And

that vulnerability allows that to be as comfortable as it's ever been. But a lot of people don't have the language for that and they don't necessarily have the beans or time or even know how to go to an institute like that. But that's what I've been talking about in the four intimacy styles is that people, your partner needs to and deserves to understand your why. Why is sex important to you? It's not just, well, you know, I always ask people, of course, in my office. I'm like, so why is sex important to you? Why are you here? Why do you want to work on it. And inevitably, they say, well, because we're supposed to, because we're together. And I'm like, it's what makes you stand out as more than just friends. You can do really anything

else but sex if you're in a monogamous relationship with anyone else. Other people, your doctors can see you naked. You can say, I love you to the kids. You can kiss your dogs in the head, you know, get a massage from a stranger. Like, there's so many things that you can do. But this is that thing that if you're, of course, in a monogamous relationship, it's just the two of you. It really does make it sacred. You can be vulnerable to therapist with your best friend, but this is that thing. But there's so much more to it than that. And that's why I think it's so important for people to really understand how the four intimacy styles can play out and really help enhance all of it, all the physical for sure.

What if you love? What if you're in love? You're in love with someone and you've been together for 20 years and you guys were hot as shit back in the day. And what happens when the attraction goes away? You know, because that's life. You know, that shit happens and we change. And what happens when it's all? But I'm just not attracted to you anymore. And I love you and I love everything you are. But I just don't feel like having sex with you because I'm not. attracted. Can you get past something like that? Yeah, this is my whole world. This is my career. It's helping people to transition from that hot and heavy new relationship energy, passionate. Your brain is like on drugs feeling into something that's more long term and lasting. So many people don't even know that the passion will neurologically kind of die out in, you know, it will not last longer than two years. I mean, for sure. Sure. And for most people, especially nowadays, it's more like 10 months, maybe, if you're lucky. So a lot of people get kind of slapped in the face by it. And inevitably, they'll either

become serial relationship people or they'll just think like, okay, so this is it. Like, what? How do people say together for? So making them aware that that's even a thing that they need to be watching out for. But that's where that pillow talk comes in. The way that you share that you're interest in sex and interest in sex with your partner will keep you from going into that like bed death place and it will also help you to get to a place where you say i'm not i'm not like as interested in the other shiny objects around me my partner and i like we've got something going on now that's the thing a lot of people are like well i'm not into pda well i'm not talking about you know mugging down like I don't think I say that anymore, but whatever.

It's not about becoming graphic or saying raunchy jokes in front of it. It's like it should be a language between the two of you. And that's what I'm going to teach people is like how this looks. And I do think that there are better ways to pillow talk than others. And it's not just, well, you know, say this or. Yeah, there's no universal way. I mean, there's no universal way, but there are better ways that will, that will actually help if you do them versus being somebody who maybe doesn't talk or do anything and then just thinking, well, my partner knows because I have sex with, like, we're still having sex once a week or once a month or whenever. So we're fine. No, you're not. That's not enough. Sex isn't enough. new, whether it's back to school, new projects, or just a fresh season. It's the perfect time to

start dreaming about your next adventure. I love that feeling of possibility, thinking about where to go next, what kind of place we'll stay in, and how to make it feel like home. I'm already imagining the kind of Airbnb that would make the trip unforgettable, somewhere with charm, character, and a little local flavor. If you're planning to be away this September, why not consider hosting your home on Airbnb while you're gone. Your home could be the highlight of someone else's trip, a cozy place to land, a space that helps them feel like a local. And with Airbnb's co-host feature, you can hire a local co-host to help with everything from managing bookings to making sure your home is guest ready. Find a co-host at Airbnb.ca slash host. I had this like overwhelming

sensation that I had to call her right then. And I just hit call, said, you know, hey, I'm Jacob I'm Shick, I'm the CEO of One Tribe Foundation, and I just want to call on and let her know. There's a lot of people battling some of the very same things you're battling, and there is help out there. The Good Stuff podcast, Season 2, takes a deep look into One Tribe Foundation, a non-profit fighting suicide in the veteran community. September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so join host Jacob and Ashley Shick as they bring you to the front lines of One Tribe's mission. I was married to a combat army veteran, and he actually took his own mark to suicide. One tribe saved my life twice. There's a lot of love that flows through this place and it's sincere.

Now it's a personal mission. I don't have to go to any more funerals, you know. I got blown up on a React mission. I ended up having amputation below the knee of my right leg and a traumatic brain injury because I landed on my head. Welcome to Season 2 of the Good Stuff. Listen to the Good Stuff podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hola, it's HoneyGerman.

And my podcast, Grasasas Come Again, is back. This season we're going even deeper into the world of music and entertainment with raw and honest conversations with some of your favorite Latin artists and celebrities. You didn't have to audition? No, I didn't audition. I haven't audition in like over 25 years. Oh, wow. That's a real G-talk right there.

Oh, yeah. We've got some of the biggest actors, musicians, content creators, and culture shifters, sharing their real stories of failure and success. I feel like this is my destiny. You were destined to be a start. Yeah, that's what I wanted to say. We talk all about what's viral and trending with a little bit of chisement, a lot of laughs, and those amazing vivras you've come to expect. And, of course, we'll explore deeper topics dealing with identity, struggles, and all the issues affecting our Latin community.

You feel like you get a little whitewash because you have to do the code switching? I won't say whitewash because at the end of the day, you know, I'm me. But the whole pretending and code, you know, it takes a toll on you. Listen to the new season of Grasasas Come Again as part of my Cultura podcast network on the IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever. you get your podcast. So our sex life has always been really good. But sometimes it's hard to communicate verbally, right? And I know that that's the number one way to sort of communicate, right?

It's like, oh, pillow talk. It's talking. It's using your mouth, right? Some people aren't as comfortable saying the things that they might feel because it feels embarrassing to them. You know? So how do you get past something like that? You know, where it's like, oh, I want to say that. But I just like, shit, that's embarrassing. How's that going to come out of my mouth? Well, I think what ends up happening to a lot of people is that they say it and they joke. And that doesn't feel very seductive. And then for other people, they say it as a joke and they just like they make it a running joke. But even just the joke, even just that ha ha. moment, it's still something that means something. It does land. It is pillow talk because I'm not

talking about like seduction for foreplay. I'm talking about everyday life, you know, whether it's a pot on the backside or not, you know, or laughing at a funny meme about sex or something like it's all of that that a lot of people who aren't necessarily in very good, don't have very good sex lives. They shun it. They keep it out because they're worried that. it's either going to make them feel uncomfortable or make them seem like, well, that's not, that's not my style. Like, I don't do that or I don't want people to know about my sex life or think about me or, you know, like it's almost like they're giving away too much.

They're showing too much of the private and public. But I'm talking about, like, they won't even do that when it's just them on a date night because they're thinking, well, that's not, that's not prim and proper or I don't want to give them the wrong idea or you know like oh i know every single time i kiss my husband he's always trying to like grab my butt in my boobs and you know like people think about that and then they say well guess what i don't want to kiss my husband anymore yeah so and and that's another thing is you know this is all very it's very real like and the problems that come about it are very real so it's important for people to understand what's going on and kind of assess where is the issue here

is it that every single time I kiss my husband he always wants more is it every single time that I you know pat my my wife on the butt she's like gosh get away from me you know and it's like rejection like what is it or is it the let me send you a sweet text and you send me you know eggplant squirt you know like right and everybody's is different everybody's hold up is different but it needs to be happening it just needs to be happening in the right way what do you What have you found in sort of your practice is the most sort of common, the common issue that you get? You know, it's like, yeah, that's number one. I'll say generally in a heteronormative relationship, it's usually that the men are able to tap into that sexual undercurrent so much faster and easier than women.

a lot of the women feel like they're going from cold to hot. They feel like it's something to check off their list. They don't even really prioritize their own desires. They're not like thinking about sex. Men are so good about letting sexual thoughts in and kind of simmer and then go away. Women are more like, I'm, you know, at the park with my kids. I can't have a sexual thought or, ooh, I'm reading a sex novel. Well, this needs to be alone in bed or in the tub.

there's just kind of this sense of sex belongs here. It does not belong here. And men are really good about just like allowing those things to happen. And I'm convinced that that's why they seem to have a higher level of desire for sex is because it's on their brains. So that's the number one thing is that I usually have a desire discrepancy in a couple. And they're trying to figure out like how do we get to a more similar place? It doesn't have to be right here, but somewhere more functional. And what about do you, have you studied you get into sort of just things?

primal nature of sex and, you know, just the procreating aspect of it, the unconscious brain essentially and how we operate sexually, aside from any social sort of pressures or things that have been put upon us from a societal standpoint. I think it's very unusual for people to feel similarly in that regard. And so it can become more of a problem than anything. I think the minute we start talking about like unconscious urges or desires or things that are very primal, we kind of get into this weird consent, non-consent, you know, duty, obligation, expectation, and that can be very unsexy. So for a lot of people, it really is just figuring out, okay, what works for the two of you? Who are you sexually?

who are you sexually, let's figure out if we can bring those two people together in a satisfying conscious, like very consensual way. Are we a monogamous species? Oh my gosh. I don't think so. Has to be a no. I mean, I don't think so because I see a lot of the people that come in as well, like probably a third of my clients, if not more, are coming in for a fair recovery. It's just so common and I and that's why I'm always like okay well let's work on the pillow talk let's work on the four intimacy styles let's work on communication let's work on all of these things to see if we can avoid that because it's I don't think it's usual or typical or normal to betray someone and lie to them that like that's not ever going to be okay but those feelings of wanting something

different I think are very human and that's why I think it's so important to if you're going into something that is monogamous, that you do everything within your power to learn how to be monogamous because it's not going to be easy. It's just not. I know. Do you think that we need to be more accepting of the fact that we are maybe not a monogamous species and, you know, to be a little more gentle and forgiving? I'm saying if it moves beyond, you know, just that sexual desire and into a problem, you know what I mean, where it's, I'm no longer in love with you. I want to, I just, I don't want to live you with anymore. Or if it's just, look, this happened, I made a mistake. I'm still in love with you. Let's work through it. Because I feel like a lot of the times

today, with infidelity and other relationship issues, people are so quick to just throw it all away, rather than look at the relationship as a whole and look at the human as a whole and say, oh, well, we are good. This is good. He's amazing. She's amazing. This thing happened. Let's get to the root of why it happened instead of just saying, oh, you know what, fuck you.

I'm gone, you know. Well, okay, so there's a lot to unpack with that. But I'll tell you, because this is something that I work with every day, first of all, 70% of couples who go through infidelity do end up staying together. Now, of the couples that stay together, I would say the people who have gone to therapy and couples therapy to work through that affair recovery are probably going to stay together forever. I know that in my practice, people who come to see me, I would say 90% of the couples who have

lived through and recovered from an affair tend to do really well for the long term. because now it's like everything's laid out. It's almost like you're having exploratory surgery, right? Like you get to see what's going on and say, okay, that's a problem. That's a problem. That's great. But a lot of people don't do that until a bomb goes off in their relationship, like a partner betrayal. And that's not fair.

I feel like for so many people, they need to be conscious of the fact that I never tell people you should trust your partner 100%. That makes no sense in the world that we live in. Now, that doesn't mean you need to be treating them as if you only trust them 10%, but you need to be conscious of the fact that you're a human, they're a human, and we don't live in small little communities anymore. And we're bombarded by things that are literally created to take our attention away from our partners. So to be able to say, maybe we should explore consensual non-remoner. monogamy and open our relationship, but we need to do it with help, which is a lot of people

come to me for that too, because they don't even know what they don't know. They don't even know how to be it. And it's so dangerous to just say, let's open up our relationship. Oh, gosh. Yeah. No, I mean. I mean, there's a lot to that. And I feel like we could talk about that for days because it's such a hot topic. And I think for a lot of people, it's a hot topic because they want to know how to prevent that. A fair prevention is something that I'm always talking about online, and I feel like with my clients, okay, so now that you've been through this, how can we prevent this from happening again? Well, a big part of that is feeling emotionally and physically connected. Oh, yeah. And what about sexual addiction? Do you deal with that a lot? I mean,

how much are you seeing of sexual addiction? It's a very small part of the people who come in, who are experiencing what they would sit, they would call sexual addiction. Oftentimes, I'll have people who have compulsive sexual behaviors that we need to kind of go through. It's very difficult for me to diagnose anybody with sex addiction just because, of course, it's so different from person to person, from relationship to relationship. And I also think that that diagnosis and that label can exacerbate problems. it doesn't often help as much. Some people it does, but just like with anything else, labeling

somebody, it carries a lot of weight. So if they come in with that and say, this is what I know to be true, great. Let's use that speak. But otherwise, it's more about let's tease out the different behaviors that you find very dysfunctional or very undesirable or really chaotic in your life. and let's take those and put them off to the side and study them. Because as a systemic therapist, I don't believe that problems lie within us. I think they lie between us and the issue. And if you can really work on that, just like with any other relationship and see it as a relationship, it's either healthy or unhealthy and there's work there.

But if it's within you, then that's when you get self-loathing. That's when you get low self-esteem. that's when you feel like you're unworthy of love, and I just don't believe. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, I know. Yeah, no, it's interesting because it, you know, you go through this idea of like, well, what is sex addiction exactly? And it feels different than, I guess, alcoholism or different kinds of addiction.

There seems to be levels of it, which, you know, I think there are other addictions as well. There's levels of it. Because you can abstain from alcohol, but you can't abstain. from food or sex. Right, right. No, I know. If it starts to sort of become detrimental to your life, you know, one way or another. Well, and for your viewers, a really great kind of long-held authority in the field is Dr. Patrick Carnes, and he has a really great list. It's almost like a quiz or some sort of an assessment that you can do on your own. Of course, it's not like a clinical assessment so but if you're ever like wondering hmm what does being addicted to sex like mean

or look like it's it's a good resource is just yeah that's a good that's good to know okay so you've been married for 18 years is that is that correct not to be 17 yeah 17 okay i think i'm 18 i think i'm 18 oh 17 in july yeah oh cool um so you obviously had a long extended monogamous sex life, right? And you are a queen. You are a professional at all of this. And how do, how does this work within your relationship when shit is going a little south or whatever? And, and does your husband look to you as the professional? I know. I have three of them. Is your husband like, honey, honey, honey, tell me what to do. Tell me what to do. You're the pro. What's going on? Yeah. So my husband gets that question a lot. What's it like being married to a sex therapist? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's

Like the truth is we're just like every other couple, but we see things from a mile away and deal with them now. That's the difference. We don't let things, you know, fester, even for an hour. We're those people who like, okay, we have to deal with this now. We can't, we can't just like go into that silent mode. And that goes with sex too. I mean, being a woman, having had two kids, like we've gone through times where there was definitely like on paper a drought. but the pillow talk was always there.

And bringing up like, hey, I recognize that it's been a couple weeks or, but let me tell you, this is what's going on for me or him saying, I'm feeling super disconnected from you because we haven't had intercourse or because we haven't done anything sexual in like three weeks or, you know, I remember at one time, it must have been at least a couple months. I mean, we were doing things, but it wasn't, there was an intercourse. And for a lot of people, if there is an intercourse, then it doesn't count. not necessarily case for us, but you can quantify that, right? You can be like day one, day two, day three, you know. And so he's really good at pinpointing also times when he's like, I think we need

to have sex. And I'm like, I think you're right. Well, there's so much psychology that it gets wrapped up in all of this, you know. And I'm only speaking just from my own experience of sort of what it feels like to finally have that moment after it's been a minute and what what that not just the physical release is but just that uh like i'm there now i i can think a little bit better i feel connected to you now or when it's not happening um based on my psychology which is different from anyone else is it's like oh what you're not feeling me you know okay obviously you're not feeling me which is total bullshit but that's my own stuff it doesn't just have hurt it's like it's like this um this feeling of like i'm lost i don't i don't like this

it's it it does seep so much into like your feelings of experiencing your highs you know like i can tell people i work with really high power and high profile people and if things aren't going well at home those awards those deals those I mean, all of that, it's like they just fall flat. So everybody experiences that to a different degree, but it can be helped through relationship therapy. I'm just a huge fan of get that help, invest in yourself, invest in your future. You have so much history behind you for a lot of these long-term couples. They have so much history.

They don't necessarily need to throw it away or at least get to a place where you can say, we tried and we tried far. Yeah. I think people get me like three to six months. You'll know something. And do you dig into their whole, you know, why the sort of root cause of why some of these things are happening or why they can't communicate and sort of, you know, pairing that with pillow talk as well, once you can understand your own psychology or your partner's psychology as to why that pillow talk can then be curated essentially? because so I have my doctorate in marriage and family therapy and because I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist I'm allowed to do that coaches are not allowed to do that they cannot go into the past or into the you know like the origins they're very future oriented which can be very helpful but I find that when you're talking about two people it's like especially like you're talking about all this psychology you know and I have I'm able to do that and I absolutely do I think it's so important to not just know the the what but the why yeah i'm going to let you go but i've got i got i got i got one thing i got i got to say which has been amazing for us and it wasn't even to it wasn't even to

kickstart anything but it just created for play without having to do it on your own so we took games okay we took yatsi we took jenga yatsi was the first one we called it sexual yatsi We literally did this on our fucking honeymoon, where, you know, if you know Yatsi, you write in, you know, your scores and whatever it is once you roll the dice. Instead of putting like numbers and you put sort of a sexual act that you would like done to yourself or that you want to do to them. And so it can be as graphic or as sort of simple as you want it to be. So you're creating this foreplay through a game that is so fun. Because if you roll like three of a kind and you're like, I'm going to take three of a kind, you read it. And it says like, you know, go down on you for 30 seconds.

And like, okay, here we go. 30 seconds, done. You know, then you got to come back up. I'm a big fan of games and I'm actually developing an intimacy game. So I'm absolutely going to send one your way when it's ready to go. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. I love this stuff. And then we took Djanga, you know, Django where you pull the bricks out, you write your little fantasies or whatever you wanted to

to you on the brick so you pull it out and it's like ooh you know and there's no question you have to do it you have to do it and sometimes it's like you know really sort of you know sensual and sometimes it's like you know like you're actually having penetration for 30 seconds but you have to stop so it builds it up to this point where eventually you just can't take it anymore and then boom you're off to the races and I've always sort of given that little piece of advice or what we have done to couples of our, your friends of ours who sex life is kind of like, I'm like, just try that one night. Drink a bottle of wine and try that.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I'm hoping to see you and your wife at my Pillow Talk, June 10th, Masterclass is free. It's online on Monday, June 10th at 1230 Central. You can go ahead and register at Pillotockmaster.com and follow me at Dr. Viviana. Spell out the doctor. And hopefully I'll see you all then because I really want to help you. connect and I think this is the way to do it. Great. Perfect. Thank you so much. This was so fun. I appreciate your time. All right. And your whole family. Thank you so much for having me.

I really appreciate it. Of course. Of course. We'll talk soon. All right. She was great. I mean, you know, dedicating your life to sex. I mean, that's kind of double-edged sword. You know what I mean? It's the good and the bad. I feel like I could have been a sex therapist I would have been a fun one too people would be like oh my god I cannot wait to go to sex therapy with Oliver and it's just gonna be a blast

yeah but I would have been good at it I will say though that you know I'm an actor and I in the business or producing blah blah blah blah but if I wasn't doing that I would I would probably well I'd be a fisherman

but forget about that psychology fucking love psychology anyway that was fun Thank you so much and we'll see you next time. Out. Let's start with a quick puzzle.

The answer is Ken Jennings' appearance on The Puzzler with A.J. Jacobs. The question is, what is the most entertaining listening experience in podcast land? Jeopardy-truthers believe in... I guess they would be Kenspiracy theorists. That's right. To give you the answers, and you still blew it. The Puzzler. Listen on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, I'm Jenna Lopez, and in the new season of the Over Comfort Podcast, I'm even more honest, more vulnerable, and more real than ever. Am I ready to enter this new part of my life? Like, am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to have kids and to really just devote myself and my time? Join me for conversations about healing and growth. all from one of my favorite spaces, The Kitchen. Listen to the new season of the Overcombered podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Your entire identity has been fabricated.

Your beloved brother goes missing without a trace. You discover the depths of your mother's illness. I'm Danny Shapiro. And these are just a few of the powerful stories I'll be mining on our upcoming 12th season of family secrets. We continue to be moved and inspired by our guests and their courageously told stories. Listen to Family Secrets Season 12 on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast.