Single Ladies In Your Area - App-solutely Terrified: Setting up your dating app profile

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

This week we take a look at the dating apps. Which app is the best to use? How do you choose the right photos? And will the police come knocking if you say you smoke weed?Want to share your dating tips or horror stories, or have a question for the experts? Email in at [e-mail] Single Ladies In Your Area on Instagram @singleladiespod and Twitter @singleladiespodRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Matt Crockett and Linda Blacker.Design by Welcome Studio. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. We're both single and in our 30s. And we've found ourselves back on the dating scene. And the landscape has changed. Everyone has settled down. But we're back out there. And we're desperately trying to figure out what the hell we should be doing.

So we're going to speak to experts, chat about dates we've been on, if we manage to get any, and share your tips and horror stories. So we all feel less alone we might even get our exes on yeah we'll see about that this is single ladies in your area so this week we're going to be talking about the apps oh yes we're going to be looking at advice on how to set up the perfect dating profile and And I'm going to set up mine right here, right now.

And I'm already on the apps. So to help Amy, I've gotten some professional advice on my own profile. We need to hear from the professionals. I am not on any app yet. I have never been on an app. I want to be on an app. I am absolutely terrified of it. I'm scared of people I know seeing it. Yeah. That's the thing that makes me feel sick. I'm scared of like,

because it sort of feels like a CV, but then your mate's going to see it and be like, you're not easy. You know, like, what do you even put put it's so vulnerable and embarrassing it's like I don't know if they did it in like medieval times where they just put up like posters of like a drawing of your face and then like what you're looking for in a relationship and you just love a sunday roast like it's just so weird that we're putting up these signs for everybody to see it's so like weird because it's not even like a CV where it's like so like business. It's like so vulnerable.

It's so vulnerable. And also, how do you encapsulate anybody's life in like a hundred words? Like everything that is them, isn't them, what they've been through, what they need. Yeah. But it always just comes out with from what i've seen sunday roasts men like big fish

everyone likes films shock fucking horror you like films do you well fucking hell what a niche how do you even get through life having such a specific interest i've never come across one where they're like, just not into films. That would be interesting at least. I'd be like, go on. What is it about films? I did have an ex who didn't like music.

My brother isn't into music. And when people play, you know how they play the piano at train stations and stuff, he takes it as a personal attack. He gets so cross. He's like, why do you think i want to hear you do that they're just playing like a lovely song and he's like just when there's someone busking he's like and is he single no he found somebody you know so it is possible it is possible. Okay. So let's take a look at the apps. So we've got the big ones. Hinge, Bumble.

Raya's one. Raya, yeah. That's seen as like an exclusive one. Yeah. There's Field, which I've been hearing about quite a bit. It's meant to be kind of like sexy, which makes me like a little bit nervous. But then I've heard that people are more like open minded on it more in touch with their feelings and stuff yeah that sounds good tinder does anyone

use tinder i don't know i don't know does anyone use any of them does everyone use them when i do comedy like i ask people if they're on the apps and i will say not everybody says yes and then i say how are you finding it and they go oh god and it's really like nobody has been like oh brilliant I'm just having the time of my life actually it's it's technology has revolutionized dating and we're all just having a fantastic time but I think when you're in a relationship or whatever you're like oh I like you hear all these horror stories but you're like actually I think I would be good you know it's part of you that's like yeah I know you're having a hard time but I think if I was to do it I'd get it yeah I'm pretty good at angry birds I really think I could complete Tinder I think I could just give it a go I think

there is something helpful about it in one way though and that is that like I especially before my relationship like I'm much more confident now but I was like very shy and it was very hard for me to meet people and I couldn't just talk to somebody in a bar really like that felt too overwhelming and I think also I wasn't like I have friends that they walk into a bar and like they're swarmed by men and that never happened to me and so the apps are quite helpful in a way that you can talk to people in a way like I think we've had a lot of practice with MSN Messenger and so it is just utilizing those skills you know that we grew up with and it comes back. I was really good at MSN Messenger. Yes well I think this might be this might be something for you. Maybe I'm gonna flourish

on these apps. Maybe. Well let's shall we find out. Okay so we're gonna set you up um so firstly firstly what is the what what are you scared of? Like, what's the thing that you're scared of, like with the apps? Yeah, I'm scared of murder. Murder. That's kind of a biggie, isn't it? That one, the old murder. Yeah.

It's not the biggest one, but it's at the back of your mind. Just be so embarrassing to be murdered. Date one on an app. Oh, she picked a murderer. What an idiot. Yeah, I'd be gutted about that. He had all these knives he was sharpening in the photos. And he's like, what a collection.

Want to meet for a first date? Yeah, what should we do? The dungeon? Yeah. Big time. Is it the one under your house? Yeah, definitely. Do you need me to bring anything?

Boat. Boat. Don to bring anything? Rope. Don't tell anyone you're coming. It's our secret. I won't. I'm scared that they

think I'm hotter than I am. I've been so scared like turning up and then being like oh and they vomit immediately. Yeah.

I'm terrified of that. Yeah. I'm terrified that, yeah, that somebody I know sees it and screenshots it and sends it around being like, have you seen this idiot? Look at her trying to find love. Yeah. Even though they were on the app. Yeah. You still worry about it.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm scared of somebody that I've been with before seeing it or I don't know. I'm scared of how to write it. I don't want to sound big-headed. If I was left to write it myself, it would mainly be an apology for wasting everyone's time.

I'm so sorry about this. Just move on. You shouldn't be wasting your time here. I'm not too terrible. Lots of lovely ladies out there. Just swipe by don't worry about me the one next is probably gonna be brilliant just pass me by come on i think it would be like i just find it so hard and i think it's really hard saying anything positive about yourself i feel like i can i can have self-esteem when it comes to like I know I'm hard working I can say that I can say I'm hard working I will carry five bags up a hill and I won't complain

about it absolutely yeah will not make a fuss yeah I will not make a fuss I will wash your pants I can say these things with confidence but how do you say like how do you describe your own personality how do you describe your own personality? How do you describe how you look physically? That makes me feel sick. And then it's like, and with pictures, do you go, because like, oh my God, I've got some pictures where I look fantastic, but do I look like that all the time?

No way. That's when I've had professional hair and makeup and excellent lighting. And then it's like, and then you turn up and are they going to be like, oh Jesus Christ. Also, what are they going to think about my voice and my accent and do you put

what you do as a job so we're both comics do we put that is that off putting repulsive absolutely repulsive so it's like women that think they're funny

no thank you but then do you lie about it and then you have to spend I hate telling anyone I always say I'm a teacher or something. I say I'm a nurse because then they say, oh, that's amazing. You're clearly a really good person. I go, yeah, thank you.

And I just go along with it. I take the compliments. And then they're like, oh, my God, this person's having a heart attack. And you're like, I tell dick jokes. I lied. I lied. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.'m so sorry he's dead

yeah it's hard I think it's so true about what you look like because you're like you want to you want to look good enough that they're like oh and you stand out amongst all the photos but then you don't want to be like off-putting I heard one piece of advice which was on the first date don't dress up too much like don't be too because then on the second date they're kind of like you wow them otherwise it's just a steady decline towards real disappointment as you just peel off the makeup and you peeling off your fake eyelashes fake fake nails, the extensions are coming out. Yeah. By then they're like,

oh, I was dating a Yorkshire pudding with some hair extensions clipped in. Oh no, I've done it again. I've fallen for some yeast again. And that's how they become incels, is this kind of stuff we've got to be responsible for no no no god no you're already on an app yeah so I joined hinge um a few months into the divorce and it felt so scared it felt so scary and um I didn't know what to do

and so my instinct was to kind of make fun of it and so um one of the things was like what are your boundaries and then last year there was like the big story do you remember where Jonah Hill like had all of his boundaries that they like released so I put all of those as my boundaries because I thought it was really funny. It's like, no surfing with men. That's really funny. But nobody got it. I just got a lot of messages saying either like, oh, these seem quite extreme.

I don't know about this. Or like, I really agree, actually. Your boundaries are brilliant. So I was like, oh, I guess there's no one out there for me and nobody's ever gonna understand me it's just telling men in London to not go surfing with other men is fantastic this is a deal breaker because I always look for the profiles that are fun or they're being funny like that's why I want like a sign that they're funny but it's there's one in a million that are that don't have the

same jokes of them one of them yeah it's like the pronunciation of their name. Like that's a big joke of like they say like, how do you pronounce this? And they say Jimmy. Oh, yeah, like that's a good one. Or it works for Andrew, John, Thomas, like all of them. They all can do it. And it's hard to find anything genuinely funny.

But then I don't think they want us to be funny necessarily. It's really hard. Well, it's that thing, isn't it? Like after gigs, male comedians can sweep up. But yeah, we don't have that. The only time I've ever been hit on after a show, I got hit on by two different men when I died worse than anyone's ever died in Middlesbrough Town Hall um so badly that um half the audience was telling me to get

off and then the other half was saying leave her alone um and then eventually they did persuade me to leave them to leave me alone but then nobody wanted like my material so then I had to just stay there for longer which actually was worse in the long run. And then two men were like, oh yeah, this is what we like. Like a vulnerable woman that's like, thinks she's funny, but she's not. She's at her lowest ebb. Yeah, exactly. We don't want her to be funny. We want her to be like weak.

Yes. And did you get with them? And yeah, I slept with them both. It was a magical evening. Yeah, that's great thank you yeah i've only ever pulled once after a gig and it was in edinburgh but not in the festival it's doing a gig up there afterwards and this incredibly handsome scottish man came up afterwards and he's like hey do you want to go to a bar afterwards where are you staying and i was like oh yeah i was gonna stay

with my friends but like yeah i'll come out we went out and his sister was there and we was having like this great time and then he was like do you want to go to this gay club and I was like yeah definitely and I was like oh my god I'm so in here and he was like do you want to come back to my sister's house and I was like yeah definitely and we went back to his sister's house and then he left and then I was like oh I get it oh he didn't like me the sister liked me and we have been to a gay club for a lot of the evening and I've been oh yeah yeah yep it all makes sense and then after like five hours of being with them i just had to be like i'm not um i'm not gay you're so nice i'm so sorry i'm so sorry so that's the only experience i've had yeah real positives uh from both of us i think um really recommend it as a way to find men and so that's kind of

you want to keep it secret i think is, is that because they're either threatened by it or they're really attracted to it, which is worse, actually. That is actually worse. It's a niche group. So what have you put on your profile? Get your profile up! It's so embarrassing, Amy, because I was like, look, I can't be funny because no one gets it.

So I have to just try and be like earnest I guess um so I'm gonna show I'm gonna show you my profile it's it's so embarrassing this feels like literally I'm showing you my vagina um oh you look so cute I look a bit like I don't have a neck um but it was the it's the best one there's no you look beautiful. And you're outside. Outside. In front of a lake. I can go outside, just letting them know. Yeah, and you're clearly up some steps. Yeah, I can climb and I can go outside.

May I read it? It's so embarrassing. You can read it, but it is so embarrassing. I just saw other people do this and I was like, oh, I guess you just list things you like. So the question that you're answering, I suppose, I go crazy for. Snowboarding, cavapoos, sunshine. It's a random list.

Pizza. The bear. Like, not the show, the creature. No, the show. Reformer Pilates. I've really got into Pilates. So're so okay so snowboarding you're saying i'm cool i'm outdoorsy cavapoos i'm cute sunshine i'm just like a sort of chilled out girl in the summer with flowers in my hair i'm not representing myself

at all i'm just like just trying to be as basic as possible. This is great. None of the edges. None of the truth. Just the most basic bitch stuff so that they might swipe. No, it's great. Pizza. I do love pizza. I can eat.

I'll eat what I want. I'm not going to be like too stringent. Like we can go for food. I will eat food. I can eat, I'll eat what I want. I'm not going to be like too stringent. Like we can go for food. I will eat food. You will eat food. You will watch TV. Reformer Pilates, you're stretchy. Yeah.

This girl can stretch. I'm not necessarily good at it. You know why I like it? It's because you're lying down. It's the only exercise where you literally lie on a bed and you just move your arms and your legs while you're just lying down. I cannot recommend it enough.

Right, well, I'm going to start that. The others, they make you stand up and stuff. No way. I've always thought that. That's the worst thing about exercise, the standing up part. And then the last two, sloths. That's nice. Would you say that's...

I'm just grasping. I'm just just grasping i'm just thinking of things like off the top of my head it's like 11 p.m i thought that two glasses of wine and i'm like sloths cavaboo sunshine the bear pizza that's lovely and curb so they know you're funny it's a good it's like a real i think kirb is a really good way of like showing your sense of, your specific sense of humour. That's it. If they don't like it, then it's like, oh, we're not going to get on. Like if they don't find Curb funny, then it's not going to work. That's great. Then you've got Where You're From and Your Job, comedy.

Yeah, I didn't put it originally. And then I did start putting it because I thought it would save time maybe. I think that's a really good, really good idea. And then you've got a lovely picture with friends. It's a full body shot. Yeah. They know what they're getting. Yeah, I've got legs, I've got arms.

Legs, arms, torso, boobies. It's all happening. Then you've got a picture on your snowboard, which links back up to the list. Yeah. Proof. This girl puts her money where her fucking mouth is. Not a liar, crucially.

Not a liar. My most irrational fear. Do you know what you put? I just remembered, yeah. Yeah, E.T. E.T.? Yeah. That actually has caused a lot of issues, actually.

A lot of men very angry about that, really standing up for E.T. That's my most divisive opinion. I will say. I don't trust him. I don't trust them. I don't like them. What is the app do? Stunning picture. Oh.

That's another thing where it's like, oh, yeah, it's a TV show. It's professionally taken, hair and makeup. Like, that's the best it's going to be. The absolute best. There's no... It's downhill from there. And then one by a beach. You've done quite good because you're in a bikini in the beach one,

but you've kept it classy. It's above the titties. But you must have to make that decision. Well, I can't show... Well, I think because going on other people's, well, men's profiles, like they're just... It's like a fantasy land. Like it's a whole different utopia

than what I see on my apps. It's just beautiful women being nice and amusing in bikinis. But like I can't put a full bikini shot because like I have like some pubes. My stomach will be all wobbly. And so we just, we're like like i can wear a bikini but you only get to see up to here yeah

and how do you kiss someone amy you just got a lunge so we found a video from the director of relationship science at hinge logan uri that is a real job um yeah yeah and so her advice so you need to show clearly who you are and i do agree with this because i think you do see some of you see like a man he's on a rock and you're like is that a man is it a seal like it's hard you can't you can't really see the face and then you have to scroll like you maybe it's the rock maybe it's the dating profile for the rock at some points it would be better to date a rock um you do believe you do start to believe so do you have a photo of yourself that's a clear photo of yourself just like a mug shot

passport photo like i should take one now like from this angle where it's like chin down it's no selfies and that's my first one is a selfie she also says no selfies but then how do you get

a picture of yourself I guess you have to have a friend a friend this is fuck this is the first

hurdle we're gonna have to go back to the drawing board I'll take some photos of you. Yeah, that feels hard. I mean, I've got posters. You've got your comedy posters.

I've got my comedy posters. Yeah. Is that any good? I guess because also you don't want to be too, you don't want a professional photo. You want it to look a bit candid. It's so hard because people don't take the best photos. And also one of the things it says is like,

so you need one on your own, so you need the one of your face, and then you also need one just to prove that you know people, you've been out in society, you do have friends. Okay, so we're going to have to take a group one. Then we're going to have to do a full body shot. It's a lot of work, isn't it? It's a lot of admin. It's a lot of admin involved in it.

For something that's love, it's so admin heavy. You know, you think it would involve less like just chores. So they said put one of your full body as well. So we're going to have to do that. We're going to have to walk far away from you. She didn't say if you need to be naked or not. That wasn't specified. So maybe we'll do one naked, one not naked, just to cover all bases.

Yeah, that sounds good. It's like, make it clear who you are because sometimes you see a group of men and no offence men, but often you do look the same. They have the same head. They have the same... Same hair, same face, same body. There's not much different on a man.

Same clothes. Yeah. And they're in a line-up and you're like, I don't want to spend my time trying to look back at the photo and then look back and be like is that one you I don't know

god and it would be awful as well though if you like actually I think you're hot and then it was actually one of the mates but that's one of the questions

yeah and then you message and you say hey is your mate available but I think that's one of the worries because like it's like do you put yourself

with like your best looking friends because or do you put yourself with your worst looking friends? There was a thing I read once that actually you should put pictures of you with your better looking friends because then that elevates you. And they're like, oh, they're in this. But then you're like, oh, do I stand out if I'm with, you know. And so many of them, this is what they say, don't put it with anyone that you're romantically involved with.

Because so often they'll have their arm around like yeah a woman and like their fingers inside her and you're like i don't know if this is seems like you might be quite intimate with this person um it says no smoking no gym i mean gym that's fine is there a lot of that yeah actually there are a lot of gym A lot of gym windows Of kind of like They're holding like a weight or something And their biceps curled Which I'm just

I'm not That doesn't interest me No but for some women it would Yeah I like more of like a dad bod Ooh Yeah so I'd like to see like a man like Resting beer cans on his belly

Is that a thing? Is that an option you can tick? It's a match. So one of the things I did to try and help you, and I thought maybe to help myself as well, I got told that you can get people to help you with your profile. Oh my God.

And I've always thought that I'd actually really like to do this for men. Like if I was just to be like, look, give me a hundred quid, I'll say, don't wear that shirt. Don't post that picture of you holding a dead lion. Like just the real basics. And I think they'd find love so much quicker.

But I was like, maybe I need to look inwards and I need to try and find out what's wrong with mine. And so I went on Fiverr to try and find somebody to help me. Amazing. And it turns out it is all set up to help men um it's very much uh very much the men that need the help and um but i found this woman called janet janet that's a sexy name she's gonna help with love and so she said all i need to do is i send her a screenshot of my profile yeah and some pictures which she can edit rude and um then she sent me over some questions to answer so these are the questions and I will say they are confusing and the first

one is what experience can I have with you and I was like Janet that's Janet Janet that's an that's an intense question I said a nice one like I don't know I don't know the crystal maze like I I didn't know the answer to that one she said what else will you do with your life and I said I don't know. The crystal maze. Like, I didn't know the answer to that one. She said, what else will you do with your life? And I said, I don't know. I've been thinking about that too. I could be a receptionist, work in a coffee shop. Like, we're really, I was really having a lot of issues straight off the bat. Janet was going very deep.

She says, hobbies, goals. And I said, I really like just sitting. That really is like a hobby at this point. Just like all I want to do when I'm not doing anything is just to sit. Yeah. And then goals wise, I would love to go to a cat cafe but I am allergic to cats so okay if they can invent a hypoallergenic cat cafe then I'll be there great great then she said what is the difference and I was like Janet you're gonna have to be careful what's the difference

between what it's not really it's not really helpful in any way so far she said current professional situation and he said no specific company it's just a very unprofessional situation he said what are you looking for and I said love someone patient a talented chef and I've then sent her six photos and then she responded and said I said I think this is a fun selection I said yes I'd like you to edit them and I said there is one of me with my ex-husband can you edit him out and she said that is not possible Janet come on edit him out um anyway then she's given me an opinion on my profile so she said I think it's generally very well done you've incorporated a good mix of seriousness and humor i would go into more detail in a few places i wouldn't change anything in that i go crazy for section that's enough

sunshine that's enough that's enough from you um And then there is one thing where I said, it's like, I know the best spot for, and then I've put waffles, but I've actually just put an emoji of a waffle. And she said, I shouldn't use the emoji,

but just write waffles. You'll never forget in your life. But that sounds a bit like. Waffles you'll never forget. Oh, does that sound like a euphemism or something? Yeah. Okay.

I would swap the picture above that I go crazy for with your picture at the beginning with the sunglasses. Eye contact at first glance is important. Interesting. That's interesting because we need to have pictures where we're looking forward. Because so many, you see, and they've got sunglasses on, and you're like, but what is your face?

I need to see if you have eyes of a killer. Like, it is important. She said, I've selected two of your pictures and edited them. First of all, I would replace the picture where you can pictures and edited them first of all I would replace the picture where you can be seen with the two others I would use the picture with the glass in your hand

you can optionally use the second picture I edited however you like I added it because I think it's beautiful but you're already wearing the same dress in one photo

in your profile so I wouldn't necessarily use it twice yeah otherwise they might think I just wear this in one photo beautiful girl

one one dress, unfortunately. Unfortunately, very stinky. And then she says, I didn't edit the picture with your ex-husband because it doesn't work well to remove him from it. Smile. And then she's given me some tips.

She says, always show only yourself in photos, especially no other men. Okay. But wouldn't they see that as a challenge? Wouldn't they be like... I could take him. Yeah, I could take him. Yeah, that's what they want, isn't it?

Well, you feel like sometimes, or I certainly have, the best way to get the man you want is to flirt with the man that you don't want to make the man you want upset. I think that seems like a great way to do it. You should flirt with the profile before theirs. Yeah. Really interacting heavily with that one. Yeah, then they'll know.

And then swipe on them. If you use photos with groups and only with same-sex friends, photos with other men can always give the wrong impression. I think Janet might be living in a previous century, maybe. Yeah. Don't use photos where you're far away, which we agree with because many people make the decisions quickly and such a photo is lost in the crowd of others.

Always make sure that you are clearly visible in your pictures and that they are of high quality. And then she's put, she's really heavily edited. These photos of my face where it's like, I would say unrecognisable. I've got to see it. I'm 15 years younger and my features are just very smooth. Wow.

It's slightly jarring. Wow. I don't think I could put that on a profile. You look beautiful. Thank you, Amy. It's not like myself, though. You look very... When you look like someone else, you look so beautiful. you look so no no no you look more beautiful

in real life because you look more like um waxy very waxy she's really made it look like yeah she's really waxed me up you're like a beautiful baby bell with eyelashes a peeled baby bell with eyelashes it's giving real peeled baby bell i will say beautiful really yeah very cheesy answering the questions is so gross because you just can't think of anything original or or interesting and i did listen to this one thing and they said it's really good to be specific in the answers because if it deters a lot of men, that's actually good because you're actually just looking for someone that would like it. That's interesting.

That's why I put pizza in mine. I really wanted to be specific and just find that perfect guy for me. Okay. Well, I've opened Hinge. Add hidden words. We'll hide likes with comments containing any words you add here. This will not block words you see on profiles.

I didn't know you could do that. So what would you not want them to say that they like? Racists. Yeah, but a racist's going to say racist. Oh, yeah, because people actually might say, yes, that's really good i don't want anyone talking about vaccines what if they've said i've had a vaccine i want them to have had a vaccine for sure but if you're still talking about it now i would see that as a red

flag that's a good point vaccines gone what else do i want what's it called when you have sex with a dead body? Necrophilia. Necrophilia. Yeah. I think they're the two main. They're the two biggest. They're probably, they're the two biggest. Anything else? Nope.

Banker. I don't want a banker. Really? I sometimes think it would, because they'd be out the house a lot. You know, like I do think that's nice. But so would necrophiles. That's probably in the evening though. They'll be around in the day. I do. We want a banker in the day, necrophile in the evening.

Okay, well that'll do. Okay, done. Hidden words. Yeah. because you put these words and that's to keep people away and then also that if you put words in your profile that then they will attract those people to it but I think sometimes that can be wrong because I was like looking originally like for people that were like me like like a bit clumsy and a bit silly. And then I was like, actually, I don't want that. I want the opposite. Like I want somebody, you don't necessarily want someone that's exactly like you. I think in my first, I put like I fall over a lot or something in the thing. And I was like, just be upfront. I'll be honest.

But then I was getting a lot of people being like, I fall over all the time as well. We can't make a life. We're going to burn down the house. This is unsustainable. We can't have a life. We're going to burn down the house. This is unsustainable. We can't have two of us together. What is going to happen? This is chaos. Another one with a fish.

Right. Just doing the basics. Where do I live? What are my pronouns? Okay, so it's asking me my sexuality. Oh, wow. There's so many sexualities Do you need a moment to work out what your sexuality is?

Well, I thought, well, allosexual Allo? Allo, what's that mean? Allo, A-double-L-O, sexual Autosexual, demisexual, greysexual, gynosexual, monosexual, omnisexual, polysexual, questioning, scoliosexual. Okay, fine. God, I feel absolutely pathetic putting straight. I feel absolutely pathetic.

It's such a disappointment being straight. There must be something else I can put. But like straight but not boring. Yeah. Not shit. Yeah. Is there like an option? I think if you, but like straight, but not boring. Yeah. Not shit. Yeah. Is there like an option? I think if you are straight, you are shit and boring.

I think I'm sorry, but that is the case. I reckon one of these other ones that I don't know what they mean is like, yeah, I'm straight, but you know, I'm a queer ally. I'm a good person. Impossible. Impossible actually. I believe in gay rights and trans rights but you put straight and i just yeah straight to me is like a fucking bald man in a polo shirt in a pub like they're straight

i'm not straight you should put that as one of the words you want to block i absolutely don't want to straight man i don's for sure. I don't. Yeah, no, I know, I know, I know. Oh, okay. Who would you like to date? Oh, God, again. Men? Feels disgusting, doesn't it? Yeah.

What type of relationship? Monogamy, non-monogamy? Figuring out my relationship type. Prefer not to say. Well, hmm. These are big choices you're having to make. These are huge decisions. It's quite overwhelming.

Yeah, it's quite intense, isn't it? You just have to make all these choices right now. And it's just a tick box. It's not like, oh, I don't know. Could I have a year or two to sort of think about it, discover myself? Absolutely not. Decide right now. Well, I've put monogamy, but I've also put figuring out my relationship type

just because I don't know. I don't know figuring out my relationship type just because I don't know I don't know enough about what my I don't know I don't know you tell me what it is I do not think you want them to tell you

what it is I think you do not want to open yourself up to them telling you that I'll tell you Amy what you're into how do you think I don't know

I think sometimes men will put things like oh short term relationship is what I'm looking for and then you're into. How do you think? I don't know. I think sometimes men will put things like, oh, short term relationship is what I'm looking for. And then you're like, oh, fuck off. I don't know why I just had that response.

And they're like, maybe open to long term. And it's like, I'm not going to try and convince you that you can have a long term relationship with me. Like, I'm busy, you know, I'm not going to spend my life trying to convince you.

I guess there's people who want different things. Like if you are, some people are just looking for a fling, but I'm never just looking for a fling like that's what's so I know I wish I was like it'd be so much easier like I can't help but think I'm always looking for something more yeah because that's I think that's the exciting bit being like oh my god imagine if we were brilliant together yeah and then my brain instantly is like, all the travelling and this and that and then doing all this together and oh my God, we'd be so happy in a field

and we could skip along this road. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever found a man that will skip with you? No, and to be honest, I'm not much of a skipper. Okay, what's your dating intention? Life partner, long-term relationship, long-term relationship open to short, short-term relationship open to long, short-term relationship, figuring out your dating intention? Life partner, long-term relationship. Long-term relationship, open to short. Short-term relationship, open to long.

Short-term relationship, figuring out my dating goals. Prefer not to say. Man, oh man. And you can only pick one. It's really hard. Yeah, it's really hard. I just put on mine like monogamy and looking for a long-term relationship because I think that's long-term.

I don't want to enter into anything with anyone I don't know that isn't heading in that direction. And I might meet somebody or it might come up where it's like, oh, this is just fun and this is silly. But that is what I'm looking for. That is the goal. The goal is that. The goal.

Yeah. Ethnicity. God, white Caucasian. Every one of my choices is pathetic. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't help that. And it's best you don't

lie about that um i think it's best you just yeah you follow um man fuck me what are your family plans it's a you're my mother i know and i will say that i think it's good to be vague on this like i don't mention that i have a daughter on my profile and i don't put a picture of her because i don't want to attract a paedophile. Yes. And I think that must be like, I think that would maybe be annoying for some men or something, but I think that they would be so lucky to spend time with her. Exactly. And if they weren't thrilled at the idea, then they can fuck off.

Absolutely. Hometown. Is that where I live or where I'm from? Where you're from. Oh, fuck. Hull? Fuck me. This is a waste of time.

Nobody's going to... You've really got very down on yourself during this process. It's been a very confronting look at yourself. Workplace. What if I said writer? Yeah. And then it's a middle ground.

It's not a lie. I do write stuff. I write loads of stuff. I didn't say you didn't yet. I write loads of stuff, write loads of stuff actually I write dating profiles what is your job title? writer I'm a writer at writer

come on really just believes big questions it's important you decide it right now as well yeah I think it is yeah interesting I think this is giving you a crisis do you smoke weed? is it allowed to ask you that? yeah but you can choose whether you say or not It is, yeah. Interesting. This is giving you a crisis.

Do you smoke weed? Is it allowed to ask you that? Yeah, but you can choose whether you say or not. What if an employer saw this? Ooh, what if an employer was just trying to take you out on a date? I'll skip that one. Well, I get that. That's interesting, isn't it?

They're taking all your information. They're probably selling that to somebody. The police? Probably the police, yeah. Is the police going to knock on the door? Okay, done. Fuck me, I feel... That was a lot, actually. Yeah, and that's...

Even just getting through that. That's not even the hardest bit. I will say that was really just the bare, the basic questions in the beginning. It's written downhill from here, Omi. Oh, you just love a roast, do you? Prompts. Select a prompt.

This, I will say, will be one of the worst moments of your life. Oh, that's cool. Hey, that's cool, mate. If you thought it was bad before, think of trying to say something original that perfectly encapsulates your whole character in um one to two sentences oh no i can totally see why you did the i go crazy for sloths snowboarding pizza thing snowboarding pizza just list things i mean one of them is i recently

discovered that and i did recently discover that not everyone has onion headaches because i thought if you ate onion you got a headache but i don't think that's gonna do you think do you think that's what they want do you think that's what they want I guess I guess if that's I guess if that's important you say that's not what they want I guess if that's important to you and you feel like that's something you're going to want to talk about a lot, because you're going to get a lot of messages from people saying, I've had an onion headache as well, or I've never had an onion headache. I don't want that chat.

Then I think you must avoid this. I think it's very important you do not mention onion headaches at this point. Okay. I recently discovered that. Still on an onion theme. Okay. I am going to suggest maybe we move away from onions. But you're going to say this, yes.

Caramelized onion hummus goes really well in crisp butters. That's quite nice because that's kind of delicious. Maybe that would make their mouth water a little bit. And if you had to describe me as a food, it would be a crisp butter. Why put that there, shall I? and i'm not just going to put the emerges like the as we've learned we mustn't put a waffle emoji yeah heed janet's words yeah is there an emojis for caramelized onion hummus there will be great well one down that was actually that was really impressive it took me so long to come up with sloths and cabbages one of the questions is like um it's like what body parts do you like I think it's something

like that and then one guy he like he did just list body parts he was like hands feet torsos and I was like you sound like a murderer like if that's you can't just list like like separate body parts for women like decapitated head, decapitated feet. Okay. My greatest strength can't just be how many crisp butties I can eat, can it? I think sometimes they will. I saw one guy and he did all of his responses were about tea. And I will say I've never wanted to date somebody less.

Right. I think you have to show more to you. There is more. You can get caught on something, but there is more to you than Chris Butties. Okay. A life goal of mine is to see the Northern Lights, the Aurora Borealis. And it happened here in London a few weeks ago

and I didn't look up. I guess you could put highly motivated, will do anything to get what I want yeah I think that's maybe a nice placeholder I feel like you can improve that more later because I just think there's more specific things maybe like I think some people might say that like but that's kind of romantic, isn't it? It's like a romantic thing. The way to win me over. Maybe I could talk about them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the way to win me over is... Full sex, first date. Dick out empathy. Big dick empathy. Eyes like a cow. They've got such beautiful kind eyes with big eyelashes. I actually really agree with that one.

Should I put eyes like a cow? I can't be the only one that you ask this about. I feel like I need some BS. I feel so responsible for this and I don't know if you should put that. Because then does it feel like you like cows? I don't want to fuck cows. Yeah, I'm worried that it does give the impression that you like to fuck cows. Okay.

But I do know... You're saying like a cow, not a cow. I'm not putting, are you a cow? Because I want to fuck cows every day and every night. I'm not playing that. Yeah, yeah. These are impossible. This is an impossible task.

I know, I know. Isn't it awful? This is impossible. No wonder you just put an emoji of a waffle. You're going to get... There she was, judging my waffle emoji, and turns out that's... That's the best answer I've ever seen for this.

Dating me is like easy peasy unless pollen's out, in which case my hair voo-vo will be ruining everyone's day. I don't think you want the phrase ruining everybody's day. Your dating profile. Maybe I'm going to have to go for the I go crazy for thing. Yeah, I go crazy for. Just do a list. There we go.

Everyone's coming over the list now. Interesting. Okay, think of some things. What do you go crazy for? Christmas. Onions. Cows. What was it?

Weird arms. Do you remember when you kept making sandwiches out of pasta? I don't think I should put that. Lasagna sandwiches should not go in my bio. Oh, is message back? It's not good. Do you know what? This is a task for me to go home.

I think you need some time to think about this. Yeah, I think so. Because do you know what? It is hard. It's been a bit overwhelming. It's been overwhelming. It's good to take a little break. Yeah.

So what I might do is I'm going to go and prepare some and then I'll bring them back. Yeah. And then you can say like, this one's just about onions. This one's just about cows. This one's about onions and cows. It would be helpful if you just moved away from that just going forward. I feel. If we have to have this conversation again.

I might test my patience slightly, Amy. I will say, let's just put a real line under cows and Chris Buttys. If you come back in here next episode and you have a profile, I love Chris Butty, 200 and a lot, right? A Chris Butty. Okay. I'll try, but I feel, turns out, that's my entire personality. I don't even know that until now.

Well, maybe you should work on your personality. I need to go and work on my personality a bit. But that's what what it makes you feel like it does make you feel like this whole thing makes you feel like you need to rethink your personality that you need to be a better person that like you have nothing that everyone else is more interesting like it's really overwhelming so what they do is they really crumble your self-esteem to nothing yep so that then you'll pay to get more matches is that what you have to do that's, that'll come later. You don't have to do it. Like, I don't do it, but they definitely push it all the time,

like paying. If you pay, more people will like you. If you pay, you'll find love. If you don't pay, do you really want love? I want love. It's only my money. I can live with one less crisp buttery a week. Okay, great.

Well, I will do that. That's my homework. What's your homework for this week? I guess I've got to chat to, I've got to chat to somebody. Yeah. Let me know how it goes. Yeah.

Okay. It's exciting. It is exciting. It doesn't matter which way you look at it. Yeah. It's depressing and exciting. Yeah. All in one.

Yeah. I heard someone say that it's like, it's like snakes in ladders, you know? You feel like you're taking a step forward and then you just go straight back to the beginning. But you just have to enjoy the game. Sorry to bring up snakes again after what happened to you. Hello, me again, Amy Gledhill, but this time I'm with... Not Harriet Kemsley.

Whoa! WT, fuck! What's going on? I'm with bloody Ian Smith. Off at Northern News podcast. Yes, a podcast that's not about the news. Don't worry, single ladies. No, it's not about the news.

It's not about being single no it's about the north and all of our stories are about couples that is not the truth ian not technically true it's weird stuff it's funny stuff that's going on up north that we're reporting back on things like pure evil blackbird named derrick terror terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. And we've got special guests. We're talking about people like Phil Wang, Jessica Knappett, Ed Gamble and Ross Noble, who joined us in the studio.

Woo-hoo! Yeah! So that's Northern News, starting next Thursday, the 1st of May, and then every Thursday after that. Join us.